February 05, 2010

Joe Dreck, the Captain, like in "Avatar,"
has spent time on another planet

Email
capt.dreck@gmail.com

Subject: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PURSE?
Date: Sunday, January 31, 2010 5:35 PM

Y'know, back in th olden days, when gurls went out, they put their lip-stick, and some make-up, some keys, a wallet, and mebbe some cigarettes and a lighter in their purse, and that was about it. They carried this purse in their hands. You could actually carry it in one hand. It weighed mebbe a pound? Mebbe?

Whatever happened to those purses? Today they have metamorphosed into suitcases. I have no idea what they carry in them, but it seems to me that one could pack for a week in th Alaskan wilderness, and still have room in there fer a couple cases of Bud! Tell me, whatever is in there ladies.... c'mon now, do ya reely need it? I mean, what if ya left that food processor at home on th kitchen counter? Would ya reely miss it? Do ya reely think ya'll be needin that kitchen sink ya got in there? What? Are ya thinkin there may be some dishes to wash before th evenings over?

But, my main bitch about those things is th Safety Factor. They're dangerous! Gurls jus seem oblivious to th injuries they inflict on others as they walk about, rearranging them on their shoulders, shifting them about. Like at th saloon, fr'instance, the path between th booths and th back of th stools at th bar isn't very wide. So gurls come boppin thru there, and I'm sittin there, gettin ready to take a glug, and........WHAM.....I'm thrust forward, my head slammin into th bar face first and... I'm spittin out teeth, and I feel a searing pain in my chest as my ribs fracture. I look up thru pain filled eyes to see this gurl continuing to sweep down th aisle, peoples getting knocked this way and that. A broken nose here, a bent arm there... and th gurly is oblivious to it all. She jus struts on leavin a trail of broken bodies behind her. What th fuck!!

And th problema is; they're all sportin this luggage strapped over their shoulders. If it was jus a few, ya might keep a keen eye out fer em....but nooooo... they're all packin! Th worst place ya can be, th most dangerous, is if ya happen to be standin jus behind one of those cuties who insist on whirling their pony-tails around. I don't know why they can't pull off that little maneuver without slingin their valise into my arm, but nooooo...CRACK... thas th sound of a bone breakin!

And if they even bother to acknowledge what they've done, they're likely to say,

"OMG...oh Gee.... oh that's all right, never mind. It didn't even scratch th leather. It's OK, but you reely should be more careful where you stand, because yer liable to break a poor gurls purse on your wretched body. We'll let it go this time Mister...but you reely should be more careful!"

Some peoples think we have too much Government in our lives already, but I think Government should get involved here. There oughta be some laws, some ordinances, some kinda restrictions on th size and weight of a gurls "purse". A hefty fine coupled with some incarceration would go a long ways towards reducing this menace. And by th way, I'm no sexist pig either...... this goes fer those guys who do th same thing, y'know, th ones who carry those bags too. You know who you are!! Whas up with all that? What th hell does any one need to carry around, that they need that much storage space anyway? Sheet, I jus got a wallet ten years ago to carry my stuff around in, and it works jus fine!! What more does one need besides a driver's license, a library card, and a picture of one's spawn, or dog/cat, preferably when they're sleeping. Nada amigos! Thas it! So what's all this other crap? Huh?

Now what I have been doin in my own small way to address this problem is... when I see a gurl comin my way now, struttin haughtily along, eyes straight forward, lookin neither right nor left, acknowledging no one in her path, I surreptitiously stick my leg out.... and OOOF...as she goes sprawlin awkwardly to th floor, I'm th first one there to help.... thus reducing suspicions about me as "th Tripper".

So, mebbe, if you've been a victim of this kinda abuse too, ya might wanna try this solution yerself. A little, small Pay-Back!! And altho it wont mend yer broken bones, I'll bet ya will still feel a lot better. I know it always lifts my spirits a bit!

th cap'm


 


Subject: Poet: Charles Bukowski - All poems of Charles Bukowski
Date: Saturday, January 30, 2010 3:41 PM

OK ya'll, I'm passin along this web site, where if you wish, you can read some of Charles Bukowski's poems.....or not? It's up to you! If you don't like Charles Bukowski, there are a number of other poets available there too. Again, you have th option of reading them .... or not. It's up to you!

Of course, in th end, it reely doesn't matter what you do....y'know, cuz no one reely cares one way or th other...knowhatahmsayin?! Yes, I know...Sad ...but True! SIGH!

OK, now that we've got that established, here fer yer readin pleasures... or not ... some poetry by Charles Bukowski ... and others... dependin on yer whim of course.

www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski

Seer, Guru, Visionary, Purveyor of Culture, the Arts, and Enlightenment,
www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski

th cap'm


 

Subject: TH BIG BUKOWSKI (not to be confused with th Big Lobowski)
Date: Friday, January 29, 2010 12:43 PM

My buddy, Ms Jannell, who is also a big Bukowski fan sent this to me. Although we have never met in person, she happened to see that issue of the Pitch from years ago that made mention of me vis a vis Bukowski, and so she wrote me and we have been friends ever since. She has continued to read my drivel over th years, even tho she, herself, is an excellent writer of great imagination. Sometimes she sends me some of her work, which always amazes and delights me in its vision and originality.

Concerning this particular poem, once again I can kinda relate. I guess maybe thas why I like Buk so much; becuz I understand him, which is more than I can say about most poets. Thas one of th main reasons why I don't like most poetry; th fact of th matter is, it usually leaves me scratchin my head in bewilderment, tryin to understand what I jus read? Tryin to decipher th meanings below th surface? Tryin to figure out what they're sayin? I don't ever seem to know what in th hell they're babblin about! But I don't have that problem with Bukowski, he's easy..... I'm familiar with his subject matter ....he speaks to me .... he knows!!

So, a bit more Charles Bukowski fer yer readin enjoyment.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the broads and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do

you?


Subject: VIETNAM VETS
Date: Friday, January 29, 2010 12:29 PM

OK ya'll, I got this attachment from three peoples today, so it may be one of those things that gets passed around ad infinitum, until everyone on th Net has received it a dozen times, but if so, in this case, it's cool! No problema. I doubt too many peoples will bitch about getting it too many times.
So, if you have already received it....scuuuse me! But, if ya haven't, ya might find it worthwhile, especially if ya had friends or loved ones whose lives were wasted in that pitiful debacle. (much like th loss of American lives in these two worthless wars th politicians have us bogged down in once again!)

Check it out!

www.virtualwall.org/iStates.htm

th cap'm


 

Subject: WHOSE A NIXONIAN REPUBLICAN?
Date: Wednesday, January 27, 2010 1:54 PM

Aw'right, last nite an old friend of mine sat next to more at th saloon. I hadn't seen im fer several years and I didn't even recognize im at first. Yeah, apparently he had gotten married which was why I didn't know im. Like all guys who get married, he had put on prolly at least 60 lbs. I mean, this guy used to be a tall slender dude, with a gaunt, narrow face. Now his face looks like 'th smiley face'. No jive, big, round face, heavy of jowl. I kept havin a hard time connectin this rotund stranger to th guy I used to know.

Well, our little re-union was goin swell....fer about th first half hour. Then we got to talkin politics, which I don't do with peoples from th other side, cuz it always gets loud, vociferous and usually heated. Nobody's mind ever gets changed--it's nothin but an exercise in Rhetorical Futility. Ya might as well try and persuade an Islamic Religious Fanatic thru Reason and Rationale, why blowing up innocent peoples doesn't really make his point? But this guy and I generally agree on a lotta issues, so it was cool......until that is.... I made some statement or other tryin to summarise my position on whatever th hell we were talkin about at th moment... and this guy brought th razors out and leaped on me and said in a loud, I GOTCHA accusatory manner,

"I can't believe you just said that! YOU of all people! Now it turns out you're nothin more than a Nixonian Republican!"

Whoa! Say what? I jus about came outta my chair! This fuckin mook jus called me a "Nixonian Republican!" Now, ya'll know how I feel about Dick Nixon and th ongoin Enmity between us to this day, even tho he checked out some years ago. We are blood enemies, and until W came along, I didn't think I could ever loathe any one as much. And this fucker called me a "Nixonian Republican"? In th first place, I don't even know what a Nixonian Republican is? Or what one would stand for? Nor how anything I had said could be related or traced back in any way to fookin Dick Nixon? But godammit, I sure as hell didn't like th sound of it! Y'know what I mean!?

Like I said, I went off on this guy. I told im to step th fuck off...not bother me.... and never speak to me again! He was taken aback at th ferocity of my response. He sputtered,

"Hey cap'm, Damn, I didn't mean to disrespect ya. C'mon man, we're buddies. We've known each other a lotta years. Don't be this way!"

And I said,

Fuck you! ya fuckin asshole! Get th fuck away from me!"

And I turned my back on im and he left a few minutes later! Th Audacity! Th Gall! Th Effrontery! Callin me a Nixonian Republican!? Hey, looky here.....you can call me a cur... a snake-in-th-grass ..... ya can even call me a mutherfucker, if ya will, but don't be callin me anything thas got anything to do with Dick Nixon, OK?! Fuck that! Sheeit, y'know what, I'll bet Nixon put him up to th whole thing. I'll bet he set me up--staged it all--found out where I was hangin these days--then sent in his flunky to do his bidding. That was jus one more of Nixon's many faults; he never had th cojones to confront me hisself, but always sent one of his lackeys to do his dirty work.

I got a message of apology a few minutes ago from this guy... as tho that will make it All Right! Like, jus say, "I'm sorry!" and everything's cool! Nah, that don't work fer me. Ya don't buy me off--ya don't make everything Ok jus cuz ya say, "I'm sorry!" I flunked outta that school, y'dig, cus I never could buy into that Philosophy. It's gonna take a fookin lot more than that to regain my good graces. At th moment, I'm tryin to think of some kind of Penance he could perform to wipe th slate clean ....... and I'm not talkin three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys either! Gonna take more than that to assuage me. And I'm not gonna ask fer his first born either, cuz I'm not as vindictive as some. Chickens or goats are not enuff...... but....perhaps ........ a sacrifice of a Bull might be sufficient? Provided he be fat enuff of course!

Nixonian Republican! Hey, I got yer Nixonian Republican right here!!!

th cap'm


 

Subject: A LITTLE BIT OF BUKOWSKI
Date: Sunday, January 24, 2010 7:26 PM

OK ya'll, below here is a small poem I found by Charles Bukowski. Some many years ago, in their annual Best-of-Issue, th Pitch listed me as th most Charles Bukowski-type writer in town. Altho, I was greatly flattered by th comparison, I felt it was waaay over th top. I wouldn't begin to put myself in any category which included th late Bukowski. It was just too much of a stretch for me, but I appreciated th gesture anyway. Browsing thru some books here earlier, I happened to come across this little jewel by Chinaski, as he often referred to himself.

Do you remember th movie, Barfly, starring Mickey Rourke as Henry Chinaski, and Faye Dunnaway as Wanda? Well, that semi-autobiographical movie was based on a novel by Buk, jus to give ya some idea of who he was, if yer not already familiar with im.Aw'right, in any case, this from Charles Bukowski, Aug. 16, 1920-March 9, 1994. I can kinda relate!

th cap'm

-----------------------------------------------
my answer-by charles bukowski

"why does he have to use words like that in his writing?"
"words like what mother?"
"well, like 'motherfucker'."
"some people talk like that, mother."
"people he knows?"
"yes."
"but why does he associate with people like that?"
"because mother-in-law, if i only associated with people like you
there'd be nothing to write about that
the motherfuckers would care to
read."


 

Subject: SIMPLE QUESTION
Date: Friday, January 22, 2010 1:28 PM

It never ceases to amaze and mystify me that damn near everything we buy in this country today is made in Communist China, a country of 1.4 Billions, our former Cold War enemy for fifty fucking years....and yet you can't even buy a cigar from Cuba, a small Communist island of 11 million, 90 miles from our shore. Whyizzat?

th cap'm


 

Subject: TENNIS, JOHNNY CASH, FURNITURE IN MILWAUKEE
Date: Friday, January 22, 2010 1:11 PM

OK, so last nite I was sittin there in th bar watchin a tennis match on th TV and I asked this guy next to me if he knew how they kept score in tennis? Now, I know this guy, not well y'unnerstan, but we're acquainted. Th dude was almost insulted by my question. It was kinda like, "How dare you?" He said,
"OF COURSE I know how they keep score! I TEACH tennis you know!"

"Oh sorry, scuuuse me, I didn't know that!"

"Well, I've told you that before!!"

Damn! What a gaffe I'd pulled, I guess it was about th same if I'd asked a mechanic if he knew how to put air in a tire? In a feeble attempt to cover my faux pas, I told im,

"Sorry, I musta been drunk, heheh, y'know how it is!"

While we were sittin there rappin bout tennis, Johnny Cash came on th juke box singin, "A Burning Ring of Fire".A few minutes later I heard, "Get Rhythm" by JC. and then a few minutes after that I heard "Ring of Fire" again. Curses! What th hell! So I started bitchin to my tennis buddy about how I was so godammed sick of hearing Johnny Cash, all fucking nite long, every fucking nite. I rambled on and on and on about it and as an exclamation point, I said th worst, th godamedest worst of all was, "A Boy Named Sue" and how they should raid th trailer parks, break some doors down, confiscate all copies and charge those listeners with Felonious Bad Taste and incarcerate em and separate em from th rest of Society, as bein too ignorant to be allowed to walk amongst us and.....well ya get th picture. I kinda went off.

Again, th tennis guy acted indignant and said to me,

"You don't like 'A Boy Named Sue'? I can't believe that! That's my favorite record of all time!"

Ooops. Damn! Did it again. He went on to say that besides bein th best record ever made, it was also the first rap song. Pleeze, gimme a break huh! I mean, jus becuz rap is a spoken thing, rather than a sung thing, I don't really think of Johnny Cash as th first Rap Artist! And I'll betcha that there's a whole lotta peoples in th Hip Hop Community who would agree with me! Country n Western Icon and Legend Johnny Fucking Cash as th first Rap artist? haha Nah, I don't think so!

But anyway, here's my bitch. These peoples, like this guy, who was out cuz his G/F is outta town, come into th saloons and play this shit over and over with no consideration at all fer th regulars, those of us who are there every evening and have to listen to this worn out crap, over and over again. Ad Nauseam! I mean, take "I Walk The Line" fr'instance...I've been listenin to that song fer over 50 years! I'veheard it thousands and thousands and thousands of times. Now I always liked all of these Johnny Cash songs (except for 'Sue') but, damn, after years and years you would get tired of anything! Think of th best comedy album you've ever heard. Then listen to it 30,000 times... and see if it's still yer favorite? See if it still cracks ya up? I seriously doubt it!! But see, these peoples who only get out occasionally only hear it a couple times a year when they go out. They see th juke box and go.
"Gee! they have Johnny Cash on here. I haven't heard him in forever!"

And so, they proceed to play him over and over again. Damn, but they are so insensitive and inconsiderate of those of us who w are there every nite and have to listen to that crap over and over again, every nite. On and on. How bout a little consideration eh? And it's not just Johnny Cash either. There's "Beat it" "Night Moves" "Only the Lonely," "Pinball Wizard," "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights," "What's New Pussycat" I've been hearing these fucking songs every nite since th dawn of time, and I'm sick of em!! Basta!

Sheeit. Aw'right then, after we had exchanged views on Johnny Cash, I asked im where his gurl friend was? He told me she was outta town at th moment, said she had left earlier in the day. I said,

"Oh, where'd she go?"

He said,

"She left this morning to go to Milwaukee to buy some furniture!"

Yep, thas right--Milwaukee! I said,

"Um... ya say yer gurlfriend is goin to Milwaukee to buy some furniture? Like, why th fuck Why? Don't they have any furniture within a couple hundred miles of here that she likes? Why's she need to go to Milwaukee?"

He said, she saw some stuff in a catalogue that she liked so she was goin there to buy it. I suggested she jus order it over th phone and they could they ship it instead, and y'know, save her th trouble of driving to Milwaukee and back?

"Too expensive!" he said.

"Well, what if they don't have th particular item she wants in stock? It's a long ways to go fer nothin!

What's she gonna do; wait there until it comes in?"

And he sez,

"Oh no, she's got it all planned out. She's got two other backup things she'll take instead, just in case they don't have what she wanted originally. She's like that; very well organized and thinks things thru!"

I said,

"Yeah OK, if you say so!"

Oh, by th way, she's goin on this trip to Milwaukee with her ex-boy friend. He offered to help. They're usin his pickup. He's jus a friend these days tho, nothin happenin there, strictly platonic. He's jus drivin his pick-uup truuck to Milwaukee and back to help a friend buy some furniture. No, really!

"Yeah, OK, if you say so!?"

Aw'right, I'm not makin any accusations, OK, but this is th same guy who thinks, "A Boy Named Sue" is his favorite record ...... and his gurl friend is goin to Milwaukee with her ex-boy friend to buy some furniture ...... and he knows how to score tennis. I leave ya to draw yer own conclusions. But after what I'd heard up to this point, I decided I wasn't even gonna ask him what he thought bout Sarah Palin! But judgin from his record, I think I can guess!

th cap'm

P.S. When this guy said his gurl friend was drivin to Milwaukee to buy some furniture, th reasoning behind that reminded me of a silly cartoon from Gary Larson of The Far Side several years ago, where a typical Larsonesque guy and his chick are talking. She's reading a newspaper and th caption over her head said,

"There's an opening in a car wash in Phoenix. I guess you'll be moving on now?"
and he sez,

"I always told ya tootsie, I'm just a rambling kinda guy!"


 

Subject: SOME PEOPLES ARE SO RUDE!
Date: Thursday, January 21, 2010 2:56 AM

Monday nite, I was sittin on my stool there, kickin back, relaxin, enjoyin my buzz. But every now and then there was a loud clatter and commotion coming from a table back off to my right and rear. Three guys and a gurl seemed to be havin a spirited discussion about somethin or other. I never did know exactly what it was all about, but one of th guys in particular seemed to be quite agitated. His voice was much louder than th others. Finally he jumped up and said,

"Thas it. I can't take this shit anymore. Fuck you guys!"

and got up to leave. I turned my head at this last outburst and as he approached me on his way out, we made eye contact fer a brief second, and I could definitely see that glimmer of Madness behind th eyes. He looked like he wanted to punch someone, like, he had all this aggression built up and he needed some relief badly.....and since he had looked at me, I was thinkin I was gonna become th focus of his rage. So, as he got nearer, I gripped my glass tighter and was prepared to stick it in his face, should he decide to take out on me what was botherin him. But, he jus went barreling on by me, but instead of leavin, when he got to th end of th bar, he rushed behind th bar itself, which is a definite No-No, and was movin towards th barmaid who was at th other end of th bar, and he was wavin his arms and yellin at her,

"Gimme a knife! Gimme a knife? I wanna slit my throat! I can't take it anymore. I wanna slit my throat!!"

Well, sheeit, when I heard that, I immediately flashed on how peoples don't help each other any more in times of crisis. Y'know, like, they see someone in need and they jus go,

"Ho-hum ...... yawn...... sigh" and so on. I mean, peoples, looky, here's a guy cryin out in anguish in th wilderness, and all he wants is a knife to slit his throat with? How callous and uncaring have we become? So, playin th role of th Good Samaritan, I started fishin around my coat pocket, cuz I was gonna donate my own shank fer his Cause. I thought, twould be a shame if this young man's desire to slit his throat should be thwarted by no more than th lack of a blade, eh Sir? But then, I had a second thought,

"Hmmmm, I dunno, like..... what if..... say..... what if I give im my blade.....but instead of slittin his own throat, he decides to slit mine instead? Like, how would I explain why I gave my knife to th guy who then slit my throat with it? What would be th sense in that? What th hell was I thinkin?"
And then would come my lame explanation that, "th guy had asked fer a knife so he could slit HIS own throat. I was jus tryin to be helpful. How was I supposed to know he was gonna change his mind and do me instead?"

Well, anyway, th minute he got behind th bar, it all became moot, cuz th owner and a couple patrons grabbed th guy and manhandled him out on to th sidewalk, th whole time he's yellin and screamin he wants to cut his throat! His friends all apologized fer his behavior, y'know, said all th usual stuff,
"Sorry bout that, heheh ....sometimes he gets kinda goofy when he's drunk. Usually he's a pretty nice guy!"

Yeah, sure, jus yer ordinary, regular, pretty nice guy, who just want's to slit his throat in a bar from time to time. Yeah sure, every crowds' got one jus like im! But, after some chuckles and chortles, and nervous relief, everything was cool fer about two minutes... but then this jerk decided to come back in...... y'know how assholes like that are, they jus can't let anything go! So this time his friends got him out before he got himself hurt, cuz there were a number of peoples who wanted to do a number on Him by now!

Whas with jerks like this anyway? Didn't his Mama ever teach im any Bar Room Etiquette? Doesn't he realize it's impolite to bother other drinkers with his rowdiness and hooliganism? And if he wants to slit his throat, didn't she ever tell im to not bother others and disrupt their drinking schezhules, and to simply go home and slit his throat in th privacy of his own crib? And don't be botherin other peoples! And th bathtub would be th best place, so as he bleeds out, he won't soil th landlord's rug or anything! But nooo, evidently she didn't!! He'd rather make a public spectacle of himself!! Tsk, tsk.
Ah these modern times! SIGH! Where is th Civility?


 

Subject: 1941 MERCURY-HEAD DIME EARRING
Date: Sunday, January 17, 2010 6:48 PM

ST ANTHONY TO THE RESCUE:

I was havin lunch with a friend earlier today when she asked me where my earring was? I felt my ear with an impending sense of Dread; Curses! Altho the small wire that hooks on to th dime was still in place, th dime itself was gone! Aaaarrrggh! Th Horror...th Horror. I didn't handle th situation very well. I went into cardiac arrest. Fortunately a doctor was in th house and he jus happened to have his portable defibrillator on him. After he jump-started me back to consciousness, I groggily informed th peoples at Appleby's that my Solicitor would be in touch with them as their foods had given me a heart attack!

Well anyway, we left hastily as I wanted to get back to th crib to commence th search as quickly as possible and as we got near her house, I slowed down a bit and dropped her off. I tried to explain to her to hit and roll, but I'm not sure whether she understood, cuz from th way she landed.... I dunno. I hope she's OK, but I had other priorities on my plate at th time, y'dig. On th way back to my crib, I decided not to waste any precious minutes this time ditherin about, and so I contacted St. Anthony immediately, told im th earring was MIA again, and asked fer his assistance.

"Yo St. Anthony, it's me, th cap'm. Remember me? Yeah, yeah... thas me. Ha ha But looky here....um... uh.. I'm afraid I've gone and lost my dime earring again! Yeah, that one! I know ya jus found it fer me again a couple months ago, but..uh.. well it's gone missin again so, like, I was wonderin, like, if yer not too busy ....uh.... if ya might give me a bit of assistance?"

Y'know, sometimes I wonder why th dude doesn't jus get tired of dealin with my losses all th time?
"Oh no, (groan) it's that loony-tune cap'm dude again! Gosh darn it! Th guy would lose his friggin head if it wasn't attached by that neck thing. Sigh! What is it this time??"

I mean, I know I must take up an inordinate amount of his time, cuz hardly a week goes by that somthin or other doesn't go missin! And yet... and yet.... He still comes thru fer me! Alla time!! And I'm a fookin heathen too! But he doesn't hold that against me..... he jus takes care of business!
So, I got back and started th Search. I spent twenty minutes lookin here and there and everywhere. Nada! But I wasn't surprised. I really didn't expect to find it on th first cursory search. And altho I had already searched th sofa where I live most of th time, I gave it another quick look and this time, I lifted up th pillow......and sheeit.....there it was!! Eureka! My first reaction was that th Tooth Fairy had paid me a visit, but then I remembered th last time I lost a tooth we couldn't find it anywhere in th parking lot...... so no tooth, no Tooth Fairy appearance. So, th same thing here. But then, in a flash, ZOUNDS! I realized it was my Mercury-head dime earring, th one that was missing .. but was now found!

Hallelujah! Fuck th Tooth Fairy, that was my dime to begin with!

I dunno, this mebbe is a record. Cus Holy Tony found my missing object less than 30 minutes after my request fer help. Can ya beat that? Nah, no way!! I'm tellin ya'll; this guy is GOOD! I'm bettin his success rate approaches 95%!! No jive!! If ya should ever decide to use his services, and I heartily recommend you do, but ya might jus tell im that ya know Me, and that we're simpatico, (press 2 fer Engles here) and that I recommended him to ya. And altho he's not a vain, egocentric kind guy, he does like those word-of-mouth personal kinda endorsements.

th cap'm


 

Subject: MARK MCGUIRE
Date: Thursday, January 14, 2010 11:58 PM

OK, I've heard where any peoples in and out of baseball are willing to give this piece of shit a pass on his steroid use after a decade of denials! The punk broke down on us and in a tearful interview with Bob Costas,

"Boo hoo, Oh I feel so bad! This is the worst day of my life...sob...sob. Pleeeze, everybody feel sorry for me."

or words to that effect. And he apologized to th Commissioner of Baseball, to baseball fans, to th Maris family (Roger Maris had set th home run record back in 1960 or 61, which he had broken) and everybody else you could think of.

And altho McGuire admitted using steroids but, check this, he said he didn't use them to boost his performance!! Nah... no.... he only used em for health reasons! Yeah, right! Then when asked if he could have hit his 70 home runs without them he said,

"Absolutely, I truly believe so. I was given this gift by the man upstairs!"

And then he repeated again that he used the drugs solely to maintain his health. McGuire made reference twice "to the man upstairs", giving him the gift to hit a baseball, so he didn't really need th drugs to boost his performance, you see?! But, I guess when god was passing out gifts to McGuire, he forgot to give him th gift of good health and Thas Why he had to do steroids fer ten years.......see? Are ya followin his logic? But then he admits that he was unhealthy th whole time, so ya gotta wonder....why in th fuck he kept takin em then? Huh? Why, if they weren't helpin him out health wise? It couldn't be becuz they bulked him up, could it?

And then if he didn't do anything wrong .... why th apology to the Roger Maris family? Unless he felt like he cheated his way to th record!!

I heard several prominent peoples defending him and lauding him for coming clean. They all said it was the first step to his redemption. They said we should forgive him and let it go. They said to faggeddaboutit. FUCK HIM! I say. He doesn't deserve any of th stats he acquired in that ten year span. That goes for th rest of th cheaters in all th other sports too. Every stat they gained while doing steroids should be wiped clean, don't count, all gone. But if they did that, you know damned well, every one of em would be whining,

"It's soo Not Fair to be cheated out of all th records I set while I was cheating! Boo hoo!"

Fuck em!

Now, some peoples don't see anything wrong with athletes using enhancers of some kind if it helps them to perform better. I've got nothing against that idea myself. That is, as long as all th other guys are using those same enhancers themselves too. I mean, if there's a pill that skinny weakling, whose always getting sand kicked in his face at th beach, can take which will enable him to hit a baseball 500 feet, fine!! Have at it. Course, there'll be a guy out in th outfield who will be able to jump 15 feet in th air and catch it before it clears th fence too, but hey, thas th game! Right?! You could have two baseball leagues, The National Steroid League, and the National Natural League. The steroid games would attract th Jerry Springer and World Wrestling type-fans, and th other would attract fans of peoples with natural talent. That way....no hassles....fun for everyone.

th cap'm

"The man upstairs" Why do people use this silly euphemism to refer to god? Why doesn't he just say God? Why that cutesy, oblique bit of nonsense? And since he references God several times, demonstrating a belief in him I spose, I wonder if he thinks God believes his lying, bullshit explanation of his ten year long charade?


 

Subject: Fwd: Smack The Penguin!
Date: Monday, January 11, 2010 3:40 PM

OK now ya'll, my amigo Beeg Jeem sent this to me. Now, normally I don't have time for such foolishness, y'know, cuz I am a very busy person as you may know, constantly meeting with other Fortune 500 CEO's, trying to run my far flung Business Empires. So, like ....I'm a busy dude, y'know!
HOWEVER, I just spent the last hour tryin to smack that penguin! Bankers in Hong Kong are no doubt wonderin where in th fuck I am on that merger, like, am I gonna move or not? But, since this challenge was presented here and now, I felt it was important to do well, since I have always been cursed with slow reflexes. I have always moved with th speed of a slow tree sloth. And after th last hour, it's obvious... nothins changed! Evidently nothin miraculous has happened to my reflexes. I'm still turtle-like in my responses!

It took me many swings, I dunno how many; I lost count, before I could even make contact. I swung too early... or too late. I was gettin frustrated. I was beginning to think it was all a joke; that no matter what you did, you could never hit it. But in spite of my poor performance, I persevered tho, I didn't quit. I kept at it. Sarah Palin woulda quit, oh sure...thas jus th way she is... a fuckin quitter.....but not Me, y'unnerstan!! ! Finally, I hit it 79 feet. Whooopie! I thought that must be pretty good! But then, armed with th knowledge that it could actually be hit, I got better! One time, outta hundreds, I did manage to knock that little sucker 364 feet. I wonder, hmmmm, does that make me a Champion? Have I set a new World's Record? Where are th peoples from Guinness? Do I get a medal? A plaque .... a parade....or what?

th cap'm

Smack The Penguin!

This one could keep you occupied for hours. It's certainly a way to get rid of your aggression. This is also really good for improving hand-eye coordination and timing.
So, how far can you smack the penguin?
Click to make the penguin jump and then click again, in time to make the Yeti swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice!

Warning : Very addictive ! ! !

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf







Subject: MOVIN ON UP!
Date: Monday, January 11, 2010 2:51 PM

One of my connections on th street, New Yawk Dave, hipped me that Sarah Palin is goin to join Fox News. Not exactly a shocker, eh?! Hey, is this THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, or what? I mean, where else in the world could an obscure Airheaded Bimbo, th likes of her, come from out of Nowhere to reach the level she has? And I hope th folks from Alaaaska will forgive me fer characterizing their wilderness as a "Nowhere", but what th fuck
ese....... it is...... what it is!

And besides, you guys started all this crap to begin with when ya elected her yer Governor. How's that workin out fer ya? Ha ha Sheeit. Th gurl didn't even finish her one and only term! But does that make her a "quitter"? Nah, nah,...cuz she quit, remember, so she could better serve youse guys! Yeah, don't ferget, she quit so she could do a better job fer all of youse guys, her constituents, by makin millions off her book and speaking engagements and her new gig at Fox. And she did it all fer youse guys!! I'll bet thas gotta make yer chests swell with Pride and bring a lump to yer throats, eh! All th peoples up there in Alaaaska are all goin.......

"Gee! Thanks ..... fer th mem-o-ries! And fer all the wonderful things ya do fer us Sarah. And when ya get on yer Fox News gig, remember and tell em about us up here in th wilderness. And don't ferget to remind em all that yer doin all this jus fer US! Don't ferget us now Sarah!

We're all up here in Alaaska, remember ........ where Putin rears his head, and comes into our air space up here in Alaaaska. Helloooooo....hellooooooo Sarah .... Sarah .... we're up here!........Saraaaaaahh!!!.... remember us?"

Hey there, how ya fixed fer Nightmares? How's this one fer ya? Sarah Palin fer President!! Oh Gawd! Talk about a Doomsday Scenario! That jus scares th bejesus outta me and makes me break out in a cold sweat!. Sheeit, I would rather the Mayans be right first! When is that? December 12th, 2012? Those Mayans knew when th jig is up!

th cap'm


 

Subject: SALVATION
Date: Monday, January 11, 2010 12:21 AM

At last, at last. Finally! I managed to get my car out last nite. Smoked some dope and made it to the saloon fer th first time in a week. Quietly drank some beers, and with th exception of one asshole, had an enjoyable, mellow evening. This one jerk tho, as he passed behind me on his way out, felt th need to tip my hat down on to my eyes. Fortunately for him, I'm not allowed to carry a firearm.

Fortunately for me I guess, since I'm not exactly in prime fighting condition, he didn't respond to my,
"YOU STUPID MUTHERFUCKER!" What th fuck is with assholes like that? Damn, but I wish I coulda put him in th hospital. I believe bad manners and disrespect warrant severe responses. I jus wish I was th Administrator thereof.

But besides that moment of unpleasantness, it was a joy and pleasure to get out again. I don't like, nor ever have, being confined in small spaces. It's jus too, fer lack of a better word, well...... confining! Knowhatahmsayin.

Now, if that bitch Mother Nature would jus back off a bit, mebbe we could return to our normal routines. I don't much like these disruptions.

th cap'm


 

Subject: WHO THE HELL IS BRIT HUME?
Date: Friday, January 8, 2010 7:36 PM

In response to my bit about Brit Hume, I got this from a guy I know.

"Who the hell is Brit Hume, never heard of him."

This is kinda funny, this dismissive kinda reply, cuz Brit Hume is exactly th kind of guy who expresses his very own brand of politics, just like Glenn Fucking Beck, and yet he doesn't know who he is? If he's never heard of Brit Hume, well sheeit, that would be like some left-winger sayin,

"Keith Olberman? Rachel Maddow, whozzat? The mainstream media. Who the hell is that?"

I mean, how in the hell could he have never heard of him? Am I asking too much here? Cuz this guy is a total Right-Wing, Whacko, Neo-Con Nutball. What I mean is; he's not just a Republican, cus there's nothin inherently wrong with bein a Republican, in and of itself, (notice how I demonstrate my open-mindedness, haha) but, noooo.....he's a Birther, Death Panel, Chicken Little, The Sky-is-Falling, Racist, I Want-My-Country-Back, Tea-Baggin Fanatic! And th fact HE'S askin,

"Who the hell is Brit Hume?"

This is so typical of his ilk. Don't even know what's happening in their own camp, much less what's going on in th rest of the world? Clueless! Not exactly what you would characterize as, "informed", and yet every day he sends me whatever th current "America Is Falling To Pieces Right Under Our Very Noses" crap being forwarded by everybody else, unable to have an original opinion of their own. I mean, fuck, I don't care if you don't like my political views. NBD! Send me yer own if you wish; I'll read em. I don't care if yer diametrically opposed to everything I am. All I ask is; don't send me th same crap that was forwarded to you, and forwarded to several hundred other peoples before you; gimme your own views in yer own words.

Well, anyway, by way of a brief explanation of Brit Hume, I sent him the below message.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brit Hume is a commentator, TV journalist, talking head and a senior political analyst for Fox News. He's been around for 40+ years! He recently has suggested that Tiger Woods give up his belief in Buddhism and convert to Christianity where he says his chances at Redemption are much better thru Jesus Christ, than some mumbo-jumbo, flaky Eastern Religion. He has said this several times in the past few days, causing quite a controversy in the process, because he's supposed to be a newsman rather than a Hallelejuh! Praise The Lord, Save Me Jesus-type Preacher. I mean, you know, normally newscasters give the News, as opposed to preaching a Sermon. He was on O'Reilly just recently defending his statements.

Don't you watch Fox News?

--------------------------------------------------------

I'm waiting for him to reply. No doubt he'll ask,

"Who the hell is O'Reilly?"

th cap'm

P.S. By the way, if you find yourself being overwhelmed by my drivel of late, my apologies. It's just that becuz of th inclement weathers and th fact that due to th snows accumulated, I have been unable to get out of th crib and onto my bar stool, has got me rantin and ravin a bit. Also, cuz it's a chilly 55ÜV here in th crib, I keep myself warm by bangin on this keyboard.


 

Subject: BRIT HUME: TH HEIGHT OF ARROGANCE
Date: Friday, January 8, 2010 2:56 PM

Note to Tiger Woods: MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD!

Speaking of fucking freaks, what about this Brit Hume? Is he a wanna-be TV evangelist? Or....is he just insanely clueless?

th cap'm


 

Subject: CONNECTING THE DOTS
Date: Thursday, January 7, 2010 7:57 PM

Do you remember when you were maybe, 4-6 years old, and you got a little book and on each page there were a bunch of numbered dots, and so when you drew a line from dot #1 to dot # 2 and so on, eventually when you finally connected the last dot, a recognizable picture emerged. It might be a dog or a car or a house...who knew? The fun was connecting the dots and seeing what was there. I remember one time, I was about six, and it wasn't until I connected the very last dot before I realized what it was; it was a picture from the air at nighttime of Los Angeles! It was so neat!

Hey, speaking of dots; have you heard anything lately about some dots and the subsequent connecting of them? I have! Sheeit, that's all I've been hearing about. In the past two weeks EVERY single person, without exception, no matter who it was, when discussing the latest Intelligence screw-up, has mentioned, "connecting the dots". Once someone uses one of these simple little buzz phrases, so simple, even a 6 y/o could understand, then they all pick up on it and use it too. Why do peoples in the media and the Administration treat us like a bunch of six year olds when talking about National Security issues? Do they think we wouldn't understand them if they described this "lack of communication" any other way? Maybe they could discuss, as the captain on the chain gang said, "What we got here is...failure to communicate." But, nooooo... they all keep talking about "connecting the dots"!

I just got through listening to the press conference with the Press Secretary, the Director of Homeland Security, and the Assistant to the President for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism, and I heard these fucking dots mentioned at least a dozen times. Questions were asked by the press corp about the dots; the aforementioned officials talked about the dots, every body talks about the dots. But are they all looking at the same play book? What page are we on? Whose got the crayons?

Sheeit, everybody talks in cliches these days! I guess it's necessary, because, otherwise, no body would know what the fuck any one was talking about! SIGH! Listen to any sportscaster on any kind of game and see if they can go one game without using the word, "struggle" or some variant of it? Can't be done! Impossible. Has never happened. If you don't believe me, pay attention to the next game you listen to. I'll bet you hear it in the first ten minutes. I'll bet!!

th cap'm

It occurs to me that younger peoples probably have no idea of this kind of little play book I'm referring to here. Those kind of playthings were probably obsolete a generation before they were even born. They probably don't even know what a coloring book is? Crayons! Are they related to Klingons? So, do they have any idea what those peoples are talking about when they mention, "connecting the dots", or does it leave them scratching their heads, wondering what the old codgers are babbling about?


 

Subject: RE: KARL ROVE
Date: Thursday, January 7, 2010 1:21 PM

Right-wing Southern Baptist Asshole Texan (whew) Karl Rove was given a divorce recently. The ever so sanctimonious Champion of the Sanctity of Marriage Advocate demonstrates once again his utter hypocrisy knows no bounds! Family spokesbitch Dana Perino, you remember her, Geo. Bush's former clueless-airhead-bimbo Press Secretary said,

"There will be no further comment, and the family requests that its privacy be respected."

But of course, Karl himself always showed such respect for others privacy, the least we could all do is return the favor. Further, a close family friend told Politico,

"They maintain a strong friendship, and they both feel that that friendship is a source of comfort and inspiration for their friends and family.”

OK ya'll, now in the future Karl will be championing his new cause that,

"Friendship is a source of Comfort and Inspiration!"

Ha ha Are you as comforted and inspired as I am?

"Sanctity of Marriage"? Nah! That was Then; this is Now! In the comin days, expect to be hearing a lot from Karl about the "Sanctity of Friendship"! I hope he addresses that in his forthcoming book because that whole "Marriage Thing" is so passe these days. Karl is moving on. Yep, once again, I do believe that this snake-in-the-grass truly doth speaketh with a forked-tongue, eh?! But then again, those of us who have been Rove observers for sometime are not surprised! If I might quote another Bible Thumping Asshole, Brit Hume, he of Superior Religion Fame, "It has always been thus." OH MERCY!
And while we're at it; talk about a sanctimonious, supercilious asshole! This pompous, overbearing prick can go right straight to the front of the line!

th cap'm

P.S. Lately we have been hearing a lot from the Right Wing about Commies, especially in reference to our President, y'know, COMRADE OBAMA. But I'm wondering, hmmmm.... why does this guy Rove, spell his name Karl instead of the more demonstrably Americanly Carl? Does Karl Marx come to mind boyz n gurlz? Think about it. Now, I'm not making any accusations, but.......... ? I'll let you draw your own conclusions.


 

Subject: Fwd: NEW ADDRESS
Date: Wednesday, January 6, 2010 6:10 PM

OK ya'll, here's th deal. Becuz of so many problems I've had with G-mail in th past 7 months, I'm going to try Roadrunner for a while. This is my new addy, chutto2@kc.rr.com. I'm gonna see how this works out. It can't possibly be any worse than G-mail.

I have mentioned over th years how electrical systems don't work around me. It doesn't matter what it is; a can opener, an electrical system on a car, TV, radio, light bulbs continually burning out, etc. ---doesn't matter, if it uses electricity, it's gonna malfunction. I have talked to a number of peoples about th problems I've had with G-mail, but no one else has ever encountered these--it's jus ME!
Thus, my experiment with RoadRunner. Course I know what this means--it jus means my problems will be with Roadrunner now, instead of G=mail. But, what can I do?

th cap'm

P.S. I still have my g-mail address too, so should you write me there, I will still get it.


 

Subject: A POX ON MR. WINTER
Date: Wednesday, January 6, 2010 5:48 PM

That SOB!! Damn, but I'm sick and tired of his capricious whims. Altholately, he's been very steady in his machinations. Nothin but fuckin Cold, Ice and Snow, with blustery winds to boot, jus to emphasize his point. Why anyone would choose to live in places where he holds court every year is beyond me. What person, other than a moron would choose to do so, year after miserable year? Who could explain such mindlessness and ignorance? If I wasn't one of em myself, I would think they must all be a bunch of Beck/Rush/Palin devotees. Y'know, th kinda peoples ya could bury under a mountain of facts, or in this case, a mountain of snow, and yet they would go on about their business, oblivious to it all. "Huh? Oh pshaw! What snow? All I want is my country back, but Comrade Obama has other plans!"

I'm tellin ya Duke, I gotta get outta this place! No jive! Altho I've been sayin that every winter fer th past 47 years , and yet, here I still sit, one more time, one more winter season, unable to conduct my normal business, unable to get out to th saloon, becuz of th weathers Sheeit! It's absurd. In th last two weeks I've spent jus TWO nites a-quaffin. Thas not right!

Earlier this afternoon, a couple hours ago, I barely managed to get my car down th driveway, cleverly thinkin I would get down to Costco and buy myself a batch of hot dawgs before th next proposed snowstorm came in. I'm was figurin I was prolly th only one crafty enuff to see what was comin, and so--be prepared Whew! ERROR! ERROR! Sheeit, I jus bout got trampled in Aisle 6, cus I took too long in my chip selection. Ya pause and hesitate, and ya risk gettin run over!

Well, when I got back to th crib, I decided to park my car in my landlord's garage, since he's not usin it at th moment. Now, yer average, ordinary person woulda surveyed th situation, lookin at all th accumulated snow and ice in th back of th apartments, looked at th angle I would have to slip/slide and maneuver my way in, in order to get my car into that small garage, and after a careful assessment woulda thrown their hands up in th frigid air and said,

"Fuck it! Can't be done! No way! No how!"

See, there's only about 4-5 inches clearance on both sides. No problema maybe in better conditions, but now...................? A daunting task, fer sure!

I thought bout it myself fer several minutes, but I figured if anybody could do it; it would be ME! After all ya'll, I am/was a Professional Driver, y'know! So, what I did was, rather than do it th easy way, I decided to back in instead, figurin that then, it would be easier later on to get out, y'dig? Well, of course, th gods didn't favor my decision. I got stuck half way in, with th front of th car stickin out, burned th front wheels into a trough. Couldn't go forwards cuz my side view mirror was against th garage, didn't have any traction to back up. I couldn't leave it like that cuz then my neighbors wouldn't be able to pull their cars into their places. So, I spent th next 25 minutes rockin back and forth, sometimes gainin mebbe a half inch at a time, th rest of th time, goin nowhere. Man, it was a bitch! Finally, after a lotta effort, I managed to get th damned thing all th way in!

Ya'd think that would be th end of this Tale Of Winter Woe, wouldn't ya? But, noooooo ... we 're not done yet. Remember boyz n gurlz how I told ya that th garage wasn't very wide? Well, after I finally managed to get th car in, check this out....I couldn't get myself outta th fuckin car! Thas right! My door would only open about three inches, ditto th passenger door. I was stuck! I couldn't get out! And I didn't have any emergency supplies or nothin. No candy bars, no half eaten burgers, no crackers.....Nada! I had visions of th peoples from CSI findin my body in th spring, scratchin their heads, tryin to figure out what had happened? "Looks like this ol coot got hisself jammed up, and then couldn't get. What th hell was he thinkin?"

But, what I did was; by pullin forward a couple inches, turnin th wheel and backin up a few inches, back and forth, and after a while, th car was at a slight angle. So, then I had to crawl over th back seat and then remove my jacket.... and then was barely able to squeeze thru th narrow opening. Man! What a fuckin hassle jus to park a car in a garage, huh!! Y'know what kinda stress and strain that put on this ol geezer?! Sheeit. Ya think peoples who live in warmer climates go thru shit like that to put their car in th garage? Fuck No they don't!

Garage? What garage anyway? They don't even have or need a garage! Some peoples, y'know, th kind who have to have Everything, y'know, like, th new Ipod or th latest tech gadget, well, those are th kinda peoples who have a Carport. Y'know what a Carport does? Not much! Like, y'know how in th Summertime, when ya go outside, there's Sun all over th place; it's every where, right?! Well ....... a Carport keeps th Sun off yer car!! Yep! Thas all it does. It jus keeps th fookin Sun, fr'chrissake, from shining on yer car. Yeah, see, weather wise, thas all these peoples have to worry about.... th Sun gettin on their car! What th hell are we doin here?

Man, I gotta get outta this place!!!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know what I got to say to ol' Man Winter?

"Hey dude, th next time you and Mother Nature get together... I hope she gives ya th clap! Asshole!"


 

Subject: IMPORTANT NOTCE RE: ED FREEMAN
Date: Monday, January 4, 2010 1:51 PM

My good buddy, Unc, notified me that Ed Freeman, th Vietnam vet who I just wrote about his passing yesterday--- actually died 18 months ago! That would be, like, a year and a half ago! Hmmm, I guess that gives some credence to my nick name, Tardy Charley, eh?! Altho th story itself was true; it was just my timing that was off, but it kinda takes th edge off th whole thing jus a bit tho, doesn't it? So, scuuuse me.

Mea Culpa! I feel kinda stoopid now...altho truth be told, thas nothin new!

th cap'm

P.S. Altho my credibility has taken a shot, don't go away tho cus I'm in th process of writin a diatribe against th proposed No Smoking ban th sanctimonious reformers are tryin to shove down our freedom lovin throats! So, stay tuned!


 

Subject: Fwd: ED FREEMAN
Date: Sunday, January 3, 2010 11:18 PM
Freeman

You're a 19 year old kid.
You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley.

November 11, 1965.
LZ X-ray , Vietnam .

Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in.

You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you're not getting out.
Your family is 1/2 way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again.

As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.

Then - over the machine gun noise - you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter.
You look up to see an unarmed Huey. But ... it doesn't seem real because no Medi-Vac markings are on it.

Ed Freeman is coming for you.

He's not Medi-Vac so it's not his job, but he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.

Even after the Medi-Vacs were ordered not to come.
He's coming anyway.

And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 2 or 3 of you on board.
Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses.

And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!!

He took about 30 of you and your buddies out who would never have gotten out.

Medal of Honor Recipient, Ed Freeman, died last Wednesday at the age of 80, in Boise , Idaho .

May God Rest His Soul.

I bet you didn't hear about this hero's passing.
Medal of Honor Winner
Ed Freeman
Shame on the American media !!!

My amigo, Beeg Jeem sent this to me. I thought it was worth passing on. Although the Vietnam War was a total waste of 60,000 American troops killed and a couple hundred thousand wounded and in the end, it accomplishing absolutely none of our goals. It was a complete failure in every sense of th word, much as I fear both Iraq and Afghanistan are doomed to be. Nonetheless, we need to acknowledge those who served there, both willingly and unwillingly.

I have a friend who was in the Ia Drang, who was critically wounded, but survived. Although, he was not one of the men saved by Ed Freeman, because in his case, the NVA had already over run his position, bayoneting all the wounded around him, but ignored him because he was so horribly wounded, they thought he was already dead. But, reading about this reminded me of him and that pitiful war and of the sacrifices and bravery of those who served, because Bravery like this, even in such a lost cause as that debacle, deserves to be remembered and honored! Men such as Ed Freeman should not pass unnoticed. Send this along to others if you happen to feel the same way. And if not, well, don't worry about it too much; you're not alone in forgetting about the Ed Freemans of the world.

th cap'm


 

Subject: WASHINGTON POST ABOUT GLENN BECK
Date: Sunday, January 3, 2010 4:53 PM

Wow! New Yawk David sent this to me. He knows this kind of crap gets my heart racing. He knows this will get me to pacing about the room, kicking things, smashing lamps, etc. This is unbelievable! And scary as hell too! It's hard for me to comprehend how peoples can listen to this turd spewing out his crap and buy into it? And in case you're wondering, I'm talking about Glenn Beck here. I mean, 90% of what he says is just so ridiculous, I wonder how he can stand there and say it with a straight face? I keep expecting him to lose it one day, and just crack up on camera, at the sheer absurdity of it all. And yet, they pay him big money, and yet, there are peoples out there, who listen and embrace everything he says. There is no conspiracy too stupid, too outrageous, too far out, too completely whacko for him not to rant and rave about! But evidently there are plenty of stupid, outrageous, conspiracy minded whackos who believe him. I just don't understand it?!

But I'll tell you, I'd be willing to bet that if you polled the crowd at any wrestling event, y'know, that's one of those staged contests, where it's so obvious it's nothing but a show, a complete fake; I'll bet you would find the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin fan base there in abundance. They're exactly the same kind of peoples! These are the same Idiots who make the Reality shows so popular. Once again, events like wrestling, that are so staged, so absurd, so dumb and so far from reality, it's not even funny, and yet peoples suspend their brains and watch them mindlessly, discussing with each other their favorites. Just like morons arguing over their favorite wrestler.

God, it's disgusting!!

th cap'm

P.S. by the way, if you're suffering from Depression, I would suggest you just take an El Paso on reading this! It's not going to enhance your mood, I guarantee it!

The Beck effect (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/01/AR2010010101371.html?referrer=emailarticle)

By Dana Milbank

It's official: Americans admire Glenn Beck more than they admire the pope


.

Subject: PICTURE GALLERY: Crazy Crop Circles - WDAF
Date: Friday, January 1, 2010 8:00 PM

These are pretty interesting. A couple guys in England admitted to making some crop circles there that got a lot of attention. But I just wonder how they make such perfect circles? Could YOU drive a tractor around in a perfect circle? How do they do these? Intriguing, eh?

http://www.fox4kc.com/news/sns-viral-crop-circles-pictures,0,4940821.photogallery

th cap'm


 

Subject: GOOD NEWS ON THE HEALTH CARE FRONT
Date: Friday, January 1, 2010 7:28 PM

Yep, America's favorite demagogue, good ol boy Rush Limbaugh, after bein released from th hospital for chest pains, said he was feelin fine, and commented that there is Absolutely Nothing Wrong With The American Health Care System. He said it was great!

Well, gettin a ringing endorsement from a regular, average, hard-workin American Joe would be comforting wouldn't it? On th other hand, a guy who makes 25 million dollars a year spewin garbage over th radio hardly qualifies him then, does it? And jus in case ya weren't aware of it, Fatso doesn't drive a Kia, he doesn't eat at McDonalds, and he doesn't shop at Wal-Mart. And he didn't jus go to th Free Health Clinic either!!

But, if Rush sez our health care system is great.....well, his "dittoheads", his unthinking, mindless cretin fans will be glad to hear it. Course, none of them will be goin to His doctors or His hospital, but heck, that's jus a minor detail.

I shouldn't say this, I know, cuz it's not polite to wish Bad Things on other peoples, and especially cuz Rush himself is such a nice, respectful kinda guy, but personally ..............

I wish th Sunuvabitch had croaked!!

That woulda made a great way to start off 2010. Part # 2 of my New Year's Fantasy; y'know, th icing on th cake, woulda been if he had taken Dick Cheney with him.

th cap'm


 

Subject: NEW YEARS EVE
Date: Friday, January 1, 2010 4:43 PM

I had planned on stayin home last nite. Didn't reely feel like gettin in th middle of all th New Year Celebration Madness, y'know, th rookies who only come out on New Years, St. Patty's, July 4th, their birthday, etc., and becuz they only come out occasionally, they feel that they must get as drunk, obnoxious, and stupidly loud as possible. I mean, if they don't do something wild and crazy, well then, wha's th point? These peoples stay home and quietly watch th TeeVee every night, so now that they're out, they feel th need to do somethin to make it memorable.

Now, for those of us who are Professional Drinkers, we only look at their juvenile antics with disgust and revulsion. I mean, who needs it? Oft times, these jerks will ask ya,

"Hey pops, whassa matter man? Why aren't you havin a good time like th rest of us?"

And I'll say,

"Don't you worry bout me kid, I'm doin jus fine!"

And they'll shoot back,

"If yer havin a good time, then how come yer jus sittin there drinkin? Yer not yellin and shoutin, jumpin up and down, spillin yer drink and pukin all over th floor makin a fool of yerself like we are. Whas th fun in that?"

What never seems to register with em, is that durin th last two months between holidays, while they were quietly hittin th rack at 10 PM, there were those of us, who were sittin in that very same saloon every single nite, so th mere act of gettin drunk is pretty much a ho-hum affair, hardly warranting actin like a baboon! Aaah, th Ignorance of Youth, eh? Young and Dumb! A trite, worn out, but nonetheless True cliche!

Well, anyway, Bobby invited me to his joint, Bobby Baker's Lounge, (my new hangout) for their private Holiday party. So, instead of stayin home like I had originally planned, I decided to do that. And it was a most pleasant evening too. There were no drunken brawls; broken glasses, or spilled drinks everywhere, not even any loud pushin and shovin altercations. Peoples were reel friendly, there was a lotta laughter, peoples havin a good time, enjoyin themselves, a nice festive atmosphere, without all th usual New Year's hassles.

I can't reely say what happened at midnight, cuz I followed my own New Year's Tradition and stepped out to my car at 11:58 and sparked up a doobie. I went back in around 12:05 and th toasting and other related traditions had mostly been already taken care of. A friend's wife who I had been rappin with said,

"Oh Charley, where did you go? You missed it all!"

And I slapped my forehead and said,

"Oh drat. Darn it. Now I'll have to wait til next year, Shoot!"

So, all in all, it was a swell time!

th cap'm


 

Subject: RE: talk about 2000-2010
Date: Friday, January 1, 2010 2:54 PM

Aw'right, concernin th last decade, lemme jus say this, It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. (i jus made that up...... DID TOO!)

These past dark ten years, mostly under the Insanity of th Bush/Cheney Duo, were prolly th most significant in American History. They marked th Beginning of th End of American Power and Influence in th world, and th emergence of th next Super Power, th Chinese! It was not a Fun Decade! Now, th ‘60s; those were fun..... and I'm sure th ‘20s were fun too! But this last ten years...Nah, they weren't any fun at all!!

Ya knew that after Geo. Bush stole th 2000 election, things weren't goin to go well. Then, when his bumblin, asleep-at-th-wheel minions, allowed 9/11 to happen, things jus got terribly worse in a hurry. It never fails to amaze me when Assholes like Dick Cheney talk over and over again how their policies of Invasions and torture, etc. kept us "safe" for EIGHT years, totally ignoring th Fact that th greatest Calamity/Catastrophe that ever happened to this country in it's entire history happened on their watch!! Yeah, see, when they talk about how safe they kept us during those eight years, they jus conveniently ignore th first 9 months of that time. Yeah, that 9 months didn't count! Those same jerks are now howlin and screamin about how this terrorist recently managed to get on a plane, and almost blew it up. As though, under their Administration, nothing like this ever happened. Well, except for that little incident at th World Trade Center.... but besides that.......

What's th next ten years gonna bring, sheeit... besides The Shadow...who knows? And I hate to say it, but if this past year is any example, it's not gonna be a-barrel-of-monkeys fun either!

th cap'm


 

Subject: CHANGING E-MAIL ADDRESS
Date: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 7:54 PM

OK ya'll, I have been having troubles with this damned Mac for the last six months. Nothing but trouble. It duplicates messages I don't want duplicated, it doesn't recognize my password half the time, it deletes things I didn't want to delete. It just acts strangely and erratically. I won't bother you with all the other issues I've had with it. So, my apologies to you if you have gotten multiple copies at times, wondering,

"What the hell's the matter with this loon anyway? How many times is he going to send me this same piece of crap?"

Believe me peoples....I feel your pain!

However, the folks at Apple tell me there's nothing wrong with the Mac itself. I have been down at their store talking to their Tech People a dozen times over these things. I left it with them for 6 days, but the problems persisted anyway! I've spoken to their managers and just about every one else around there. In my last meeting with them, they told me that my problems are all with my server G-Mail, and there's nothing they can do about that! That I must settle these things with G-Mail and stop bugging them about it.

Sheeit, I don't know if they're just scamming me and passing the blame to G-Mail, or what? I'm suspicious why this took them 6 months to finally come to this Apple face-saving conclusion? If the problem was with G-Mail, why didn't they tell me that back in June?

Well, anyway, I'm looking into changing servers....... and if I do, I assume I will have a different name than capt. dreck. Don't know yet what it might be, but stay tuned!

th cap'm


 

Subject: AT LAST, AT LAST, FREE AT LAST
Date: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 5:03 PM

OK, havin been cooped up fer th last week, I was finally able to get out last nite.... and what fun it was! Altho, like all things worthwhile, it wasn't easy. My driveway y'see, was pretty treacherous gettin down, seein as how it was still covered with snow and ice and th concrete there is all buckled into large irregular slabs, more suited to an off-road vehicle than a low slung Caddy. I prepped myself fer th journey with several hits of some primo herb off th ol bong before headin out. It took some doin; there was a whole slippin and slidin goin on, but I made it down.

But then I thought,

"Hmmmm, it's supposed to get even colder tonight with possible snow after midnight; if it was this hard gettin down, will I be able to get back up later on?"

Especially since by then my instincts and reactions might be somewhat dulled as a result of th effects of alcohol poisoning. I might even have to park a block or two from th crib? How would I be able to deal with tryin to walk thru th snow and ice, considerin I would be unsteady of foot by then? Th last time I fell as a result of bad conditions a couple of years ago, I fucked up my right shoulder/arm fer four months. Sheeit, I had to drink and smoke left-handed that whole time cuz I couldn't pick up a beer or bring a square to my mouth right-handed.

So, I figured th only thing to do was to try it right then. Get it over with. If I couldn't make it up then, I'd just have to park on th street, go back inside and venture out tomorrow. I drove around th block so I could approach th driveway from th best angle. Altho it wasn't easy, tires spinnin, car lurchin from side to side, but I did manage to get up and into my parking space in th back. YEAH! I wanted to get outta th car, jump up and pump my fist in th air! Mebbe even high-five somebody. But I got to thinkin, I'd prolly jus fall down, mebbe fuck up my shoulder/arm again. Besides there wasn't anyone around to high-five anyway! So, I jus abandoned those celebrations. But, I did feel good, cuz, I figured if I could do it once, I could prolly do it again.

So, I egressed up to th saloon with a good attitude. Once there, I ordered and drank a beer. Then I got another, and repeated th process! And again, and again, and so on. After a while I got drunk. Th combination of th booze and th herb made fer a nice, warm, pleasant buzz, as usual. I've always enjoyed that.

At one point as I sat there, my reverie was interrupted by some jackass behind me extolling his 5 year old daughter's extreme intelligence to his buddies. And of course, he was none to quiet about it either. It wasn't enuff jus fer his buddies to hear, nah, he wanted th rest of th world to hear about his spawn too. Evidently, she's going to pick up where Einstein left off. He related his little angel's reaction when he told her he hoped they could go on vacation this year, get this, Princess said, (he calls her

"Princess", isn't that cute! I wonder where he got that?)

"Life is full of surprises Daddy!"

Wooooie! Wow! That blew him away! Well, what th hell, sure! I mean, dig this; here she is, only 5 years old, and she's already hippin Daddy on some of th Lessons on Life she's picked up in her experiences. I mean, ya jus never know what's gonna happen Daddy, Life's like that. One day, ya go to Chuckie Cheese's and yer on Top o'The World, and th next day ya fall off th swing and get a boo-boo! Who can figure it, eh?

Yeah, it was another fun nite in th saloon. I'd almost forgotten what it was like. I think I'm gonna do it again tonite!

th cap'm


 

Subject: RE: THE RICOCHETING BULLET
Date: Tuesday, December 29, 2009 2:12 AM

OK, ya'll, after watchin and listenin to this video over and over, I'm beginnin to wonder if it's legit? I'm not so sure about its' authenticity the more I think about it?

I mean, could you actually hear th ping of a bullet striking a metal plate a thousand yards away? That's more than half a mile, you know. And if that bullet was hitting it, obviously almost straight on, could it possibly bounce straight back that far? Look at th height of th gun when he fires it. Then, after striking a metal plate 3,000 feet away, losing a lot of velocity in the process and bouncing back that same distance, that bullet has only dropped 2 feet....and then ricocheted again?

And that whistling sound? Hey, looky here, I've seen plenty enuff cowboy movies in my time, OK, so I think I know what a ricochet sounds like ..... and I never heard a ricochet like that before. I dunno, is it real? Or is it Memorex?

Listen to it again very closely. Do you hear his buddies giggling just prior to him shooting? What's that all about? I mean, is there somethin funny about a guy getting ready to shoot a .50 caliber rifle? Or mebbe .... they're just laughing about the little internet prank they're about to pull?

I think I've been scammed. Whadda'ya think?

th cap'm


 

Subject: SNOWPLOWS; DO SUCH THINGS EXIST?
Date: Monday, December 28, 2009 7:31 PM

I hear the blades of the snow plows ringing/
all around me, everywhere/
and they ring for thee/
but godammit/
not for me!/

Sheeit. It's been 5 days now..... and no snowplow to be seen on my street. It's all part of the, "Get The Capt. Conspiracy". I saw a guy in a snowplow earlier, drivin down th street, and for a second...jus fer a second, my heart skipped a beat......cuz, I thought he was goin to turn down my street. But then, he got a phone call..... and instead of turning at my corner, he went on down and turned at the next one. He prolly got a call from his supervisor relaying a message from Dick Nixon.

"You Fool! The cap'm lives on that street. Whassa matter with you? Wake up! Focus! Remember th plan. We plow th cap'ms street jus as soon as hell freezes over!"

And so ...... at th last second, he passed me by. Again! Godammit, it's a Conspiracy I tell ya!! And Dick Nixon is still there, pullin th strings, and his minions are still jumpin about at his every evil whim!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, this last Airline Security Breach only illustrates th Futility and Stupidity of th Government's line of bullshit about how sending 30,000 MORE American troops into Afghanistan will make us safer! Tell me, do ya feel safer now? What a fuckin waste! Didn't we learn anything from our Vietnam Debacle? You can never defeat an insurgency of th type we fightin in Afghanistan right now. You can fight them forever......to a stand still, a draw, but you can never win! No matter how many years we are there, no matter how many billions of dollars we waste, no matter how many of our peoples are killed there.... in th end, th Taliban, tho bloodied, will still be there!! And if ya don't believe me, hang around fer twenty more years.... and I'm gonna be goin, "Nyah, nyah, nyah...... Ya dumb sunsabitches, I TOLD YA SO!! "


 

Subject: LEST IT BITE YOU IN TH ASS
Date: Monday, December 28, 2009 11:44 AM

52819-50caliber11-1.wmv

OK, boyz n gurlz, remember; don't play with matches or guns. You'll be sorrry!

th cap'm

This is a good Rifle Range Safety Video.

Turn the sound up.........you can hear the bullet head back. Watch in full screen to see it better. This is a very, very lucky sportsman.This guy is shooting a 50 CAL. Watch the dust when he fires. The target,is a steel plate, 1000 yards away. You can hear the ping of the hit, and then the bullet comes back and hits the ground just in front of his position, then tumbles up hitting the earmuffs, knocking them off of his head. The footage is amazing. You can hear the bullet as it tumbles through the air on its course back toward the shooter. He's lucky it hit the dirt first. He is okay, and obviously very lucky. The bullet grazed his temple. What a difference a half an inch makes!


 

Subject: I EARNED MINE; GET YER OWN!
Date: Saturday, December 26, 2009 5:42 PM

Wow! I jus barely got my last post out in th ether and already I jus got a message from a friend chastising me about complainin about seven lousy inches of snow, while he's dealin with 16 inches. 16 inches! BFD! There's other peoples out there who would be glad if they only had 16 inches to contend with! But so what? I don't give a damn about how much worse others have it than me; I only care about ME, ME, ME, y'dig! Sheeit, if I could only bitch and gripe about stuff that was exclusive to jus me, I'd have to jus Shut th Fuck up! And I'm not ready to do that jus yet, aw'right!

So, don't be lecturin me on how others have it worse than me, cuz I don't give a shit about them. When I'm snivelin and whinin, I'm not reely interested in sharin th Pity and Sympathy I'm hankerin fer with any one else, OK!! And if they're searchin fer same themselves, let em go out and find it themselves, and don't be hangin on my coattail and leechin off me.

So....keep those words of commiseration and solace comin, unabated, y'heah!

th cap'm


 

Subject: SURROUNDED BY INCLEMENT WEATHERS
Date: Saturday, December 26, 2009 4:58 PM

CURSES! Damn Mother Nature; she's a Bitch! Becuz of her capricious whims, I find myself ensconced here in th crib for the fourth nite in a row, unable to get out amongst em! I got seven inches of snow out there, just piled up all over th place. It's on my porch, my yard, th street ... it's everywhere! Yeah sure, I could prolly get down my driveway, but come 3 AM, I would never make it back up again. And I'm not yet ready to leave my car parked out in front of th crib, vulnerable to th first fuckin idiot to come slidin down th hill on th street where I live.

And it's gonna be this way fer a while too, cuz, as a result of th ongoin Conspiracy to "Get The Cap'm", it'll be spring before th first snow plow hits my street. They purposely target my street as th last one in th city, jus to annoy and inconvenience me. They'll clear off th gravel road runnin thru Shady Acres Trailer Park, before they come down my street!

Aw'right, I jus wanna make it clear; it's been tuff ya'll. Cuz, like, I have been deprived of my beer, for what would be considered a '”cruel and unusual” period of time. How much is one expected to endure, y'know, before th Snap takes place!? I'm gettin pretty damned tired and bored with my own company. I can only take myself in small, measured doses, knowhutahmsayin, before I needs some Relief! Besides, due to my highly inefficient heating system, it's 58 degrees here on th sofa. Back in th bedroom, it's a frosty 52. I mean, one can certainly Chill, thas fer sure! But it's not very relaxin. Fortunately I do have mo plenty Herb available, so thas a Comfort and Joy, but still.......

Well, it's that time again boyz n gurlz! I must be away, cuz......I hear th Bong tollin; and it tolls fer me!

th cap'm


 

Subject: YouTube - Rabbit.mov
Date: Wednesday, December 23, 2009 2:26 AM

OK ya'll this is really cool. the next time you see a mural on a wall, remember this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bTgatnNt4c&feature=player_embedded#


 

Subject: A SECRET ADMIRER
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:29 PM

OK ya'll, do I have a bizarre story for you! This is jus too weird and it's gonna blow yer mind! Now, I don't know if you knew it or not, but to put it in polite language, I don't much care for Sarah Palin. I have written some stuff about her before, but I'm not sure if I ever actually said, "I don't like Sarah Palin". Now, those of you who are a bit more perceptive than the average yahoo tho might have picked up some subtle clues between th lines, that I'm not favorably inclined in her direction.

And that's why this is so strange! Check this out: just a little while ago, I got my mail, and there was a hand written letter in my mailbox. It didn't have a return address on it and altho it was addressed to me, it had the wrong street address on it, but in spite of that, it still made it to my crib. Figuring it was from some one I knew, my interest was piqued so I opened it immediately. You will never guess in a million years what was in the envelope? OK, are you ready for this?

It was the cover page of the November 23rd issue of Newsweek with Sarah Palin on the cover....and it's signed,

Merry Xmas Captain
xoxo
Sarah,


And you know those x's and o's mean, "hugs and kisses" don'cha? Who woulda thought Sarah had a crush on me, eh? Damn, isn't that a hoot?! Obviously, she prolly hasn't read any of the stuff I've written about her? Or, if she has, she must be really smitten with me, huh! Of course, with Sarah, there's the strong possibility that the gurl can't even read to begin with. Ya recall how Katie Couric had her stammerin and stallin, hemmin and hawwin, when asked what she read!

But gosh, this unexpected development has me in a quandary. Now, I'm kinda torn. Becuz I have my standard, y'know. I have my personal Principles and Ethics to consider. I mean, one can't deny th gurl is attractive, y'know, even if she is dumber than a can of tuna. And of course, we're politically opposites. I view her as a trash can of lunatic, right-wing tea baggers! On the other hand, I'm a left-wing, liberal, socialist bastard. So, therein lies th dilemma.

But sheeit, opportunities like this don't fall into one's lap every day now, do they? In spite of her obvious flaws, she does have a certain "star quality" which I might could take advantage of. Y'know, like, what with myself bein unemployed and all, and then, consider all th cash she's rakin in off her book.....hmmmmm. Food fer thought, eh? I could mebbe duct tape her mouth ...... well, most of th time anyway. hehe That would certainly help th situation. I mean, imagine listenin to her all th time.... and tryin to decipher what she's sayin? Mebbe I could hire that guy who works fer Stephen Hawking and he could translate her gibberish into something I could understand? Is that possible? Or, might I just as well ask fer th moon?
But, mebbe I could help her there?! Like, with some of the tuff interviewers she will have to face in th next few years, like Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. Whew! Oh man. And then, there's Larry King, boy, he can be a real meanie! We could tell that hard assed Katie Couric to take a hike down there along th Klondike and while she's at it, to take those trick questions of hers and stick em where the Alasskan sun don't shine!

Then, after she's elected in 2012, I could be The First Dude. Y'know, havin peoples openin doors fer me, and fixin me foods when ever I took a hankerin to eat, and doin my laundry, tryin to crash parties jus so they could shake hans with me. I could have my minions keepin my Caddy all waxed and shined all th time, while I relaxed out there on th lawn in th evenings, drinkin my Bud and sparkin up a doobie. And hey, y'know what else? I'll bet as Numero Uno Dude, I could cop some rilly righteous Herb too. Sheeit, I'll bet I could get ol Karzai to score me some of that Primo Black Afhgani hash we all love, cuz I know he's got some good connections there.

But man, I dunno! Like, if I did all that and became that person; who would I be then? I mean....... is it worth it to surrender yer Soul fer Fame and Fortune? What to do? Which way to go?

But, ya know what? I don't think so! Nah...... sheeit, I guess I'm gonna have to tell Sarah that it's a No Go.... that I'm takin an El Paso! Oh sure....it'll be tuff!!

But she'll get over it.....ÚÚ eventually!

th cap'm