joe dreck
February 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, back in the cereal game, is
pondering a suit against Captain Crunch for copywright violation.
Email
capt_duderino@webtv.net.

Subject: Sunny Afghanistan
Date:
Friday, February 27, 2009 12:55 PM

Another one of th major problems our president has inherited from fucking Geo. W. Bush, besides th myriad of others, is th catastrophe that is Afghanistan. And it is strictly a lose-lose situation too. This is jus another of those ''Wars'' we'll never win! No one has ever been able to conquer Afghanistan!

Any historian could have told our military peoples of th folly of even trying. If nothing else, they could have studied th failure of th Soviets, th other Superpower, who couldn't do it and th reasons why?

That should have told em something! Th Russians were unable to subdue a country consistin of nothin more than a patchwork of small tribal enclaves, without one single leader unifyin em. Th one unifyin factor they did have tho, was that they were all religious zealots! Those kinda peoples can never be defeated! Th Russians and th Brits both found out th hard way! And so will we!

Yeah, th Brits could have explained it to em too. They tried unsuccessfully a couple of times in th 1800s when they were th reignin Superpower in th world at th time, only to finally realize it was hopeless. And now, we're facing th same dilemma.

But, bein Americans we always have this delusional idea that we can succeed where other mere mortals fail. Like, th same way we went into Vietnam directly after th French debacle, payin no attention to th causes of their failure there, thinkin we had th answers! Ten years and 60,000 American dead later we left there in disgrace. Th footage of our helicopters pullin off th rooftop of our Embassy, with Vietnames hangin from th skids, was not an inspiring sight! Our stated goal for those ten years, of preserving Democracy fer th Vietnamese, was set aside and discarded by th wayside, while we scrambled to get th hell outta there right pronto. Did we preserve Democracy for South Vietnam? Nah, cuz as ya know, today, Vietnam is Communist. So, what th fuck was that all blood and effort about? And did we learn anything from it? Apparently not!

Now, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, the last remaining Superpower, will eventually come to the same conclusion in Afghanistan. What th hell are we doing there? We are facing th same set of circumstances of those who preceded us---and it's gonna end for us just as badly.

We have been there already for what? seven years now! And to what end? What have we accomplished in those seven years? Today, th Taliban is stronger than ever! What is our goal there and how many years do they think it will take to achieve it? And how in th hell do they think a military solution will ever work in a country of so many disparate, fragmented fractions?

Yeah, I know, I know, they now have a democratically elected Government! But, what a joke! Th puppet government of Karzai is rife with corruption; every govt. official is on th take there and it's limited power is restricted mainly to Kabul and a couple other cities, cuz once you get into th countryside, th Taliban Rules! Ya remember them, don'cha? Yep, those same guys who threw th Russians out and who we already defeated. hmmmm?

Th problema is; when religious fanatics wage a ''Holy War'' against you, well, ya might as well pack up and go home, cuz otherwise yer gonna leave there anyway with yer tail between yer legs just like every other would-be conqueror in history.
How can ya defeat a peoples who are willin to strap explosives on themselves and walk into a market place and blow up themselves and a few other peoples, all fer ''ISLAM''! And they have no shortage of volunteers either. Do ya think ya could get one single American to do th same exact thing fer nothin more than th concept of ''DEMOCRACY"? Yeah, I don't think so either.

Drat! We gave em a Democracy, becuz of course, all peoples crave th Freedoms only a Democracy can provide; right? But do they appreciate it? Th ungrateful bastards!

th cap'm

p.s. By th way, speaking of futility, could some one please explain to me WHY we still have substantial numbers of combat troops in Germany? Let's see; that war ended 64 years ago, and th threat of a Russian invasion has been gone fer 20 years now. So what exactly is their purpose there in 2009?


Subject: A French Hero!
Date:
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 1:23 PM

A good buddy of mine wrote me today, in reference to my tirade about th congressional junket to Europe, and my mention of Charles DeGaulle there, that their family lore has his wife's father, a bomber pilot in th 2nd WWII, flying Charles DeGaulle to Paris after th German occupation had ended. It's a shame her dad couldn't have ejected him over th English channel instead, eh!?! Ha ha (By th way, did I ever tell ya bout my mother's people's historic role in th creation of chili? Well, perhaps some other time, eh)

Aaah yes, Charles DeGaulle! He always inspires such fond and pleasant memories, eh. Th guy who kicked NATO out of France. Th haughty, aloof, megalomaniac. That is th only reason I can figure to explain his blatantly anti-American attitude, in spite of th debt th French peoples owed us for savin their sorry asses from th brutal Nazi occupiers, um--thanks to a bit of intervention on th part of th US and UK. Sheeit, talk about ingrates! CD stands there tall (hehe) with th creme de la creme

Yeah, Chuckie, (btw, he never did like that nickname) told NATO in 1965,
"Hey yo! We don't need no steeenking NATO to protect us from a possible Russian invasion, thank you very much!! So pack up yer bags and hit th bricks. We'll send a telegram if we need ya. Adios mutherfuckers and don't let to door bang yer ass on th way out!!'

Yep, he said this with full confidence in France's ability to defend it's own damn bad self against th Russkies or any one else foolish enuff to mess with em! I guess he had amnesia, or in his case, more likely, was in denial concerning th rapid, total collapse of th French against an inferior German force in th early days of WWII where th Germans cut thru em like like a razor thru butter. But, what th hell, let's be charitable here and jus say French resistance was---well---- um, ''weak and close to non-existent'', so to speak. Ha ha

Vive France and Vive it's Savior, Charles DeGaulle!

th cap'm

P.S. So, considerin France's role, or more accuratedly, lack of role, in NATO fer th last 44 years; was exactly why I questioned th need fer a bunch of our legislators, and their wives, fr'chrissake, to go on a fact finding mission to Paris, to study NATO? It doesn't pass th smell test to me!


Subject: Letter To Th Editor
Date:
Tuesday, February 24, 2009 3:17 PM

Below is a shortened, sanitized version of a recent rant th Star tells me they're gonna publish in th next couple of days.

--------------------

From:capt_duderino@webtv.net(Charley Hoohah) Date: Fri, Feb 20, 2009,
9:19pm To: letters@kcstar.com
Subject: What's The Difference?

I read in the Star last week where a Congressional delegation of thirteen lawmakers, plus nine of their spouses, aides, staffers and the necessary military escorts are going on a fact finding mission to Europe to study NATO. This includes Dennis Moore of Kansas and Mary Ann Emerson of Missouri. This is a huge entourage.

So, it's kind of amusing to watch our congressional reps sputter in indignation and outrage at CEO's and and their bonuses and trips to lavish spas on their corporate jets. The arrogance huh!?

But, of course, after spending several days passing a stimulus bill, oh boy, what a job that was; they are now entitled to take a nine day vacation, oops, er, I meant ''fact finding mission'' on special Air Force jets to Paris, (DeGaulle threw out all NATO troops, and forced them to move their headquarters to Brussels in 1965) Vienna, and th ski resort at Garmisch to study NATO?

Yes, of course this is an important spending of taxpayer dollars. We absolutely need to know more about NATO, and it's also vitally important for their wives to know about NATO too. It's not like there's anything going on around here that needs their attention and this is a very important mission!

-----------

Of course, they've told me they were goin to publish some of my blather before, and didn't, so, we'll see.

th cap'm


Subject: Th Reaming Of Th America Taxpayer
Date:
Tuesday, February 24, 2009 1:38 PM

I read a headline on my home page that th US is contributing 900 Million bucks to help rebuild Gaza, after our Israeli allies flattened it with US ordinance.

What a boon fer th Defense Industry, eh? First of all, they get outrageous money for their weapons to begin with. Then, thru their stooges (our esteemed elected officials) they urge our Government (and others like th Israelis) to use em, like, as in th first Gulf War, then Kosovo, then Iraq and Afghanistan, th Israeli invasion of Lebanon, and now th Israeli invasion of Gaza.

Well fer sure, I mean, like, whas th point in havin a bunch of bombs if yer not gonna use em? Go ahead ese, bomb th shit outta em. Doan worry bout it, cuz, sheeit, we got mo plenty bombs where those came from! We got a ''bottomless weapons pit''.

Of course th beauty of that is; those huge amounts of bombs, missiles, shells, munitions, tanks, armored vehicles, planes, helicopters, etc. must all be replaced! Ya don't wanna get caught in a situation that calls fer some good bomb policy, and then discover ya used em all up and forgot to reorder. Cool, no problema, cuz those guys love th re-supply side of th biz. Use em all! They don't mind one little bit buildin more fer youse. It's what they do.

And then, here's th other cool part of th equation; after th enemy's entire infra-structure has been destroyed, y'know, wiped out, obliterated, everything left in smolderin rubble; then....one of their subsidiaries get's th contract to go back and rebuild everything their weapons destroyed in th first place. And then, it starts all over again.

Man those dudes in th Defense Industry got quite a scam goin, don't they!

th cap'm


Subject: It's Time!
Date:
Saturday, February 21, 2009 4:17 PM

Mi amigo bueno, th Werkin Curt, and I were rappin early this morning. I recall he invited me to go on a trip with him and a couple other guys to Machu Pichu. I am seriously considerin it since I haven't had a vacation since 2000 when I went to Costa Rica and Vegas.

I can picture it all right now. Lying on th verandah of th Machu Pichu Hilton on a warm Aegean afternoon, a gentle tropical breeze waftin thru th palms, th white pristine beach stretchin below with it's usual assortment of surf bunnies cavorting about playin frisbee, paragliders floating high above th surfers, th white yachts of th gentry lyin just off shore

Yep, it's somthin to think about.

th cap'm

P.S. I wonder if there's some course I could take, so I could rap with th native Machu Pichuns in fluent Aegean?


Subject: Fucking Drivers and Their Cell Phones
Date:
Saturday, February 21, 2009 4:03 PM

As ya know, I've been bitchin bout these assholes fer years When some one starts driftin into yer lane, when ya see some one blow thru a stop sign or red light, when some one just sits there after th light has changed green, odds are reel good that fuckin idiot is chattin on their phone. They have no idea where they are, or what they're doin, cuz their focus is on their conversation.

Yesterday I paid th price for one of em's inattention. Big Time! Drivin down SW Trafficway, all of a sudden, traffic came to a complete halt fer some reason. Cars in front of me slammed on their brakes barely avoidin runnin into th cars in front of em. I had no problema tho, cuz y'know, bein Mr. Safeguy, I always leave mo plenty distance between me and th car ahead, so I was able to stop with room to spare.

After a couple seconds th car in front of me started movin again, but before I could do anything I heard th screechin of tires and then - BLAM! -I heard glass breakin and metal crunchin and I was knocked violently forward Son-Of A-Bitch!! I got out of my car and was sickened when I looked, cuz this fuckin asshole had just about knocked th rear end off my car. Th whole front end of his car was totally demolished; nothin but twisted metal and plastic. Th dude gets outta his car and sez,

"Oh man, I'm sorry. I was talkin to my wife and just zoned out, y'know, before I realized what was happening, but then it was too late."

Yeah, see, th guy's excuse is; he was just talkin on his phone, and you know how that is, of course man, sure, I understand. Heck, we all do that, so it's OK.

It looks to me like my frame might be bent. I dunno, mebbe they'll wanna just total my car. That would be a disaster cuz I have a '99 Fleetwood Limited. It's basically a Sedan DeVille except it's a foot longer. You wouldn't believe th amount of foot room in th back. You could put th biggest offensive lineman in there and he'd be perfectly comfortable.They only made 469 of these cars in '99 and that's th only year they ever made em, so ya just can't go out to Crazy Eddies and buy another one.

Fuck! And ya know what th reel tragedy of this whole thing is: his godam air bags worked! Cus sheeit, I would rather his head had gone thru th windshield!! Now, THAT would have been Justice! And if he had survived, I'll betcha he woulda learned a lesson bout drivin and rappin!!

Th Pissed Off Cap'm


Subject: My Babble About Th Rabble Becomes Too Much!
Date:
February 20, 2009 4:52 AM

Evidently, my rant about congressional mutherfuckers was too much fer a long time reader. She said she couldn't take my vulgar, cynical, disrespectful attitude any more. She said I should be ashamed of myself and asked to be deleted.

"So let it be written; so let it be done." And POOF, five seconds later she was gone.

But I feel so cheap and tawdry now. I spose I shouldn't have referred to em as a bunch of Hypocritical Mutherfucking Assholes. I guess I should have just said, they were inconsistent and contradictory in their condemnation of th excesses of Wall St. Execs; that their own behavior was of times no different than th arrogant CEO's who seemed to think th obscene bonuses they awarded themselves were deserved; th same CEO's who flitted about th world in their corporate jets.

Whereas th Congressional peoples were only using Air Force jets, only made available to them to go on fact finding excursions to th hell holes of th world like Paris, Vienna and Garmisch. Because after all, they had just spent several grueling days passin some legislation. Heck, that could tax any body, eh! (was that a pun?) And so they deserved a nice nine=day vacation, --- ooops--- sorry, um, I meant a nine day ''fact finding mission'', with their wives, about an issue which is vital to th interests of th American peoples.

There will be plenty of time later to deal with th economy, home mortgages, bailouts, th auto industry, stimulus packages, N. Korea, Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, etc, and other minor issues later. Right now, it's important that members of Congress take a break from their belittling of th shameful behavior of greedy CEO's and address th all important issue of NATO. This is not one of those things we have th luxury of puttin off any longer. This is th kind of thing that demands immediate attention.

So---Excuuuuse me! I should have been more circumspect and respectful of th burdens and responsibilities of our elected officials, who are, after all, only lookin out fer our best interests. If it makes ya feel any better, I will be lashin myself repeatedly with my barbed wire cat-o-nine tails to try and atone for my breach of good manners.

Gosh! I jus feel sooo bad! No reely, I do. I wouldn't jive ya bout somthin this serious!

th cap'm

P.S. Rudy Giuliani: ''We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything.'' Sometimes I think all Republicans took th same "Logics" class! From Buffalo Bob mebbe?

Reporter: ''How do you feel about being named one of the NBA's most reporter-friendly players?'' Michael Jordan: ''No comment."


Subject: Congressional Hypocrites; Those Mutherfuckers!
Date:
Tuesday, February 17, 2009 10:28 PM

I get reely pissed at th sanctimonious self-righteousness of some of our Congressional representatives when they start bitchin about th excesses of some of these companies who got huge bail out monies and then used some of it to give themselves giant bonuses and send their execs on week long visits to lavish resorts.

Don't get me wrong cuz, personally, I think every one of those sonsabitches oughta go to prison fer th damage they have wreaked on our country while they were stuffin their pockets with our money. Th greedy fucks! And I'm not talkin Club Fed here either; I'm talkin Max Security prisons, like Levenworth fr'instance. I don't have th slightest sympathy fer any of em. Their greed ran th economy of this country into th ground, and yet they walked away with BILLIONS in bonuses, fr'crissake, and then, wanted to go on week long vacations at luxury resorts and spas all on th taxpayer's dime. Th Effrontery, th Arrogance, th Cheek! And these legislators are no different. They are cut from th same bolt of cloth. There's no difference at all.

I jus read this little article in Sunday's paper concerning our elected officials, some of whom expressed their outrage at th arrogance of Wall Streeters and their indifference to everything but their own greedy well being. Those fuckers in their twisted views of their place in th scheme of things believed they had a right to all those perks! Jus like these congressional peoples. They're jus like em. They believe that they're entitled to their perks too! I paraphrased this just a bit.

''Democratic Rep, John Tanner of Tennessee and his wife were scheduled to leave Saturday with a delegation of 13 lawmakers--plus ten spouses on a nine day jaunt starting at NATO's headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. Also going along are Rep, Dennis Moore of Kansas and Rep. Jo Ann Emerson of Missouri. (of course we know how important it is for Jo Ann Emerson, who ever th hell she is, to get a heads-up on NATO, eh! cd)

Their next stop is Paris, then on to Vienna to review NATO's plans to halt an invasion of th Bavarian Alps (i spose Ha ha) and then on to the chic ski center of Garmisch-Partenkirchen with it's lovely views. (yeah, that ski resort would be critical in any future invasion of Europe) Of course, also going along will be their many aides, staffers and their military escorts,''

OK, those fuckers would have you believe that these kind of trips are an important use of taxpayer funds. Yeah right! What fucking bullshit! I don't know if ya recall or not, but NATO was formed originally to counter th threat of a possible invasion of Europe by th Soviets. Altho this doesn't seem too likely a threat these days eh?

So... why in th fuck are they going to study NATO today? What a joke! It's jus too ridiculous! And even more ridiculous, why in th fuck are their wives goin? By any stretch of th imagination, what th fuck do they need to know about NATO?

And Paris? Sheeit! Why in th fuck are they goin to Paris? What does Paris have to do with NATO? Nothing! Absolutely nada fucking thing! Remember, back in in 1965, y'know, 44 years ago, then President DeGaulle withdrew France from NATO and forced them to pull all NATO troops outta France and relocate their headquarters from Paris to Brussels where it is today! So then, why are these fucking assholes goin to Paris, I wanna know?

These assholes in Congress are jus like th assholes on Wall Street. Fer them to bitch about th excesses of th Wall St. CEO's is hypocrisy raised to th Nth power. Sheeit, see, after they passed the stimulus bill, they figured a vacation at taxpayers expense was in order, cuz ya know how much work that involved! Oh brother; that kinda hard work would wear anybody out,eh!

So--whadda'ya think that little junket is goin to cost th taxpayers who are footing th bills for that huge entourage of bloodsuckers? Paris, Vienna and Garmisch? To study NATO? Ha ha Yeah, it would be funny if it wasn't so blatantly absurd.

Th fuckers!! Oh, I'm tellin ya; it pisses me off!

th cap'm


Subject: Blackened Chicken; New Orleans Style
Date:
Monday, February 16, 2009 3:26 PM

Earlier today, I prepared some blackened chicken. In truth, I wasn't really going for the "blackened" thing. It just kinda worked out that way. Yeah, see, I had floured the chicken, sprinkled on my secret seasonings (don't even ask) and plopped them into a skillet of hot oil.

So, I retired to the living room to read a book. (it had lots of pitchers in it) Some time elapsed, I don't know how long, but as I sat there reading, my keen sense of smell was alerted. Sniff Sniff. Hmmmm Sniff Sniff. I sensed something was amiss.

''Hey, I know that smell. That's the smell of something burning.''

I looked up from my book and discerned a pall of smoke hanging from the ceiling and I thought;

''Hmmmm, there's a pattern here, these events are related.''

That's when I remembered the chicken. I immediately leaped into action. When I entered the kitchen, yep, my suspicions were confirmed. Smoke was billowing out of the frying pan so I picked it up and carried it outside and set it on the porch. What I had left was four chunks of black lava. I gotta admit though that once one hacked their way thru the crust, the inner chicken was pretty damned tasty.

the cap't

P.S. If you would like to blacken chicken in your own kitchen boyz and gurz, lemme know, cuz I can give you some helpful hints.


Subject: A C&W Song Perhaps?
Date:
Saturday, February 14, 2009 4:30 AM

''I dreamed I smoked a cigarette in Mike's Tavern last nite.''

Was it just a dream? Or, did I reely? But I'm not sure becuz, rather than a dream, it could just be a fuzzy memory of a cloudy evening? Did I relapse and resume smoking again? I very well could have. After all, it's been 4 1/2 years now. Sometimes, as you know, boyz n gurlz, Booze, combined with th Devil Weed can impair one's judgement. Not to mention one's memory.

Quien sabe? (for those of you who don't speak Español, press 1 for English)

Sheeit! Mebbe I did; mebbe I didn't? And here's something else to consider; who fucking cares, eh?

th cap'm


Subject: Th War On Drugs; What Is It Good For?
Date:
Friday, February 13, 2009 5:46 PM

Absolutely Nothing! Consider; th United States is a law abiding country. That's for sure. And to prove it; we have more peoples incarcerated than any other country on earth. Th rate at which we incarcerate peoples dwarfs th rate in every country. That includes both Russia and Communist China, with it's 1.4 billions of peoples. Altho they make jus about every godam thing we use these days, and in spite of their advantage of having four times as many peoples as us; we're still NUMBER ONE when it comes to jail-birds! Kinda makes ya proud to be an American, huh! Hip Hip Hooray! We're th USA. Fuck with us and we'll throw yer ass in th slammer in a New Yawk second.

We currently have 2.4 millions of our citizens behind bars, locked down, incarcerated. And we are able to accomplish this even tho we are only 5% of th world's population, yet we still have 25% of th incarcerated peoples in th world in our prisons. Isn't that swell!

So how do we do it? Well, the reason we are able to accomplish this dubious feat is entirely due to our insane drug laws. Ridiculous, absurd laws which make 'criminals' out of many of us for doing no more than all th peoples you see lighting up that nicotine delivery device they call cigarettes. 25% of our citizens are hooked on tobacco, but thas OK cuz it's legal, in spite of th well documented injury to our health. Let somebody who smokes 40 cigarettes a day tell ya they're not strung out! Sheeit. Then there's all those millions in bars, saloons, nite-clubs, etc, doin th alcohol drug, which happens to be legal too. Still Drugs tho, by any definition. But, sheeit, these are peoples who are only tryin to relieve some of th stresses of life in general. No big deal! Nothin wrong with that. Peoples have been doing this ever since we dropped down outta th trees on to th savannah.

But th thing is; many of these folks, th fuckin hypocrites, who support these draconian laws are themselves zonked out on Prozac, and all manner of other mind altering drugs. But they feel smug and superior to th peoples on th street, cuz their Pusher-Man is a doctor! So they're not criminals. Peoples who buy their drugs on th corner are criminals, but peoples who buy their drugs from their doctor aren't!! They're jus regular folks who need a little 'lift'.

Rush Limbaugh is a perfect example of that sanctimonious, self righteous mind set. For years he railed against what he scornfully called, ''weak willed cowards addicted to drugs'' and th whole time, he was himself strung out on heavy duty pain killers, even while he ranted against them. If any one ever deserved to be locked up, that fat hypocrite fuckhead ought to go to th front of th line.

Over th years hundreds of Billions of dollars and millions of lives have been wasted on this "War'' and to what end? Take th DARE and COMBAT anti-drug programs aimed at reducing drug use among teens. Th dumb, goofy TV spots which are so laughable. Fuck! They have accomplished absolutely nothing, but keep a bunch of costly programs and their self serving bureaucrats in a job.

Th stats are th same, Are they winning th war? Ha ha. Have they managed to lower th drugs available by locking up all those criminals? Sheeit. Is there a light at th end of th tunnel? Ha ha Yeah, sure there is, and by th way, th War on Terror is almost won too. No really, no kiddin. Any day now!

Other countries have legalized drugs and their societies have not collapsed as a result. It's time th Anti-Drug Bureaucracy took it's collective head outta it's ass and took a look at Reality. When I was 17 years old, I already knew then what a giant crock of shit all th propaganda I'd heard at that time about marijuana was; and I paid th price for refusin to adhere to their bullshit, but FUCK EM! I'd do it all over again in spite of th consequences. But, I'm tellin ya; IT PISSES ME OFF!!

th cap'm

P.S. And what is reely amazing is how drugs of every description and for every condition ya could possibly imagine, are constantly being thrown at us every minute of every day, on TV, magazines, newspapers, billboards, etc. We are swamped in a tsunami of advertising urging us to use drugs for our every little problem. Ask your doctor if I'm right or wrong? And oh yeah, ask him for some good pharmaceuticals so ya don't have to get em on th street and be a criminal.


Subject: In Th End, Th Chickens Come Home To Roost
Date:
Thursday, February 12, 2009 1:44 PM

Speakin of chickens, I jus wanna tip my hat to ms Pat, she of th eagle eye outta Texas, fer bringin to my attention that in my last bit of tomfoolerie i said somethin or other about th ''chickens crowin at th dawn''. Ooops. Yeah, she pointed out that chickens don't actually do much in th way of 'crowin'. Damn those Texans. Ya gotta be on yer toes all th time cuz nothin gets past em. As ''Blackie'', a big black rooster in my grand daddy's chicken yard use'ta say, ''Cock-A-Doodle-Do''.

Aw'ight, now that we got that mess cleaned up, my good friend, Tommy th D and my present Ambassador to New Spain, now more commonly known as Texas, sent me th below message. Now, if I was an, ''I told ya so!!'' kinda person, this would be where I was goin, ''I told ya so, oh ye of little faith!'' But, I'm not that kinda petty minded person, y'dig, so I'm jus gonna let that particular reply to im slide on by and not even mention it. Tommy wrote me,

--------------------

''I googled Joe Dreck and sure enough your rantings I mean publications were in the archives. It brought to mind the movie Barfly with Mickey Rourke. He did a lot of writing when he came home from his local country club also. But anyhow I am now forced to give obi wan charlie more respect and I'm sure you will notice this in future postings. Your Humble Servant TD''

-------------------

As th trite old sayin goes, "It takes a big man to admit.........blah, blah, blah''. Th thing is tho; Google only posted two months worth of some of my former screeds. What th fuck! Where's th rest of th 70 months worth that are out there in th public domain? And why or how did they happen to choose those two months? Not to mention th first 70 months which went out and are still driftin thru th ether, cuz I been on this mission fer 11 years now, y'dig!

What kinda shoddy operation is this Google fly-by-night outfit anyway, and what kinda moron is in charge? Who ever he is, I'm thinkin mebbe he oughta go back to his day job preparin th Big Whoppers fer th masses and leave these technical things in th hands of more competent folks. Google! Whut is it good fer? Well, evidently about 2% would be my guess. Sheeit.

Hey ese, GOOGLE THIS!!!!

th cap'm

P.S. OK, since I wrote th above and have in th interim communicated with th said Tommy in more detail, I have found ou he was referring to th ''eKC'' online site that I had mentioned, not GOOGLE.COM which is what I'm writing about here. Once again, a failure to communicate is th problema. Isn't that th way it usually is!? sigh OK, now that yer properly confused, I'll take my leave.


Subject: Re: A Eureka Moment
Date:
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 6:49 PM

My good friend, th Herr Doktor Crupster wrote me.

-----------------

Dear Don Hoohah,

I find several things of note in this last email. First, I always got the impression that your chili was more of a "work in progress" kind of experiment. I didn't think you were using an ancient family recipe.

While I can understand how genetically you are primed for making chili, I would like to know why your family hasn't entrusted you with the recipe for "original chili, the first and best." I can only assume with such a recipe you would be rich. What did you do to be written out the of plan?

Next, this whole chili thing might be the reason so many people are drawn to you. Maybe they are history buffs or chili fanatics and they knew about your family lineage before you did.

Maybe that guy the other night talking about the "other side" was actually talking about what it was like to be on the "we created chili" side of the track. Still, with all this chili hooplah and multiple past e-mails about your chili, I feel like it is a bit of a myth. I know for fact I have never been treated to Don Charley's First Ever Chili. MC

----------

Und so..... I replied back.

''Well you see Herr Doktor, I myself wasn't aware of this very interesting fact of my heritage until I saw it on th food network last nite. Altho I've heard many other stories of my ancestor's exploits includin 'Chuey' Flores's cappin Davy Crockett's ass at th Alamo (ya remember that Alamo, don'cha, gringos!) no one ever told me about this part. So it was news to me.

But now, my own uncanny success in th kitchen with chili comes into perspective. It must be as you suggested, I can't help it; I'm genetically inclined that way. I can no more not fix delicious chili, then th chickens can stop crowin at th dawnin sun. It's what I do! Like, I'm wired like that.

Hmmm, mebbe I oughta bottle it, eh? Become th Chili Magnate.

Thanks Doktor; I needed that.''

El Capitano, Don Carlos

P.S That part where I said Chuey was responsible fer Davy Crockett's demise; well since this is a food related item, ya can take that with a grain of salt, yknow what I mean!


Subject: A Eureka Moment
Date:
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 3:02 AM

OK, here's an extremely interesting bit of information for ya. First of all; a question, do you like chili? Well, of course ya do. Everybody loves chili, right.

But here's th interesting thing about it I'll bet ya didn't know. I jus discovered this little known, but highly interesting fact myself, earlier this evening, while watchin a show on th Food Chanel called, ''Good Eats''.

Th question of th origin of chili came up. Well, It seems there are three ideas on that, but this is th most interesting one of all and th other two aren't even worth mentioning. It is thought to have been bought here by th 16 families from th Canary Islands who were given land grants in 1723 along th San Antonio River by King Louis of Spain. Yeah see, he needed some suckers to colonize New Spain, in what is commonly known as Texas today. Those settlers were given large tracts of land and th heads of th families were also given th title of 'Don' to sweeten th pot, so to speak.

OK, history is cool and all but here's what's so interesting about this; check this out! Looky here, my mother's peoples, th Flores de Abregos were one of those families! Thas right Duke, ya heard me correctly. Don Juan Flores and his brood settled along th San Antonio River in 1723 about 30 miles south of present day San Antonio. That settlement is known today as Floresville, Texas and in th town square there is a monument there to my grandpa, Don Juan Flores. And this is th very same Floresville, as I'm sure yer all aware, that is also home to th world famous annual Pecan Festival. If ya should happen to find yerself down there some time durin th festival, mention my name and they'll comp ya a bag of pecans!!

So, of course, I'm sure ya can see why this is so interesting to me, eh. So, th next time yer scarfin up a bowl of chili, ya can tell yer wait/staff person that yer a personal amigo of a descendent of th inventor of chili, and if they got any class at all, they'll comp that bowl fer youse.

But, in any case, they'll prolly wanna ask ya lotta questions about me, y'know, like, what kinda guy is he really? Y'know, all that celebrity kinda stuff. In that case you can refer em to ''eKC'', th online mag at kcactive.com where they can read my babble under my nom de plume of Joe Dreck, or, if they should wanna meet me in person, tell em I can be found there in Mike's Tavern, 5424 Troost.

Of course, as I told ya recently, there's a good chance I'll jus tell em to ''Fuck Off And Leave Me Alone!''. I dunno, mebbe ya better warn em first that I'm an old curmudgeon and an anti-social prick to boot!

Anyway, next time one of yer friend starts droppin names, tryin to impress, ya might wanna keep this bit of very interesting info handy to counter em. Jus a thought.

th cap'm


Subject: RE: Why me?
Date:
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 4:51 PM

I have received several responses from peoples concernin my question, all of which have a common thread runnin thru em as to why loony fucknuts are always botherin me.

Tommy th D refers to it as, ''The Asshole Magnet Theory.'' which I think needs no elaboration, eh?! It's somthin akin to, ''Likes attract likes," I guess. Altho he clarifies it somewhat, and tries to mollify me in sayin that I'm not th Asshole so much, as jus merely th Magnet part of th Theory. Hmmm, that makes me feel better; how?

Another person was more blunt. They jus said since I WAS an asshole myself, it was only natural that other assholes would want to be with one of their own kind. Y'know, like, there's some kind of Brotherhood of Assholes. He said it wasn't necessary fer us to have secret handshakes and stuff to recognize each other, like th Masons fr'instance, cus we could spot each other jus by instinct. He suggested that that might explain why I was th flame to their moth.

But I beg to differ, cuz although there are many assholes out there; we've all encountered em before, I Am NOT one of em! At least in my own mind I'm not.

But obviously there are others out there roamin about, who seem to think I am one of em, a kindred spirit, so to speak. Evidently there's something in my presentation, which makes em feel like they've found one of their own.

Another person, of ill repute hisself, said it was cuz of th way I dress. Excuuuuse me! But it's not like I leave th crib dressed like a circus clown or somethin, so, whas up with that? Nah, I don't think so, cus satorially, I think I'm on solid ground.

Whatever! I guess I'm goin to have to change that sign on top of my head to read,

''DON'T TALK TO ME. PERIOD! I AM AN ANTI-SOCIAL PRICK AND I DON'T LIKE YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE. JUST BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!''

Or somthin to that effect.

th cap'm

P.S. Hey, by th way, I wanna lay a bit of Wisdom on ya it took me a long time to figure out: ''No matter how badly ya wanna succeed, ya can save a lotta wasted time and effort in yer life, by acknowledgin that ya can't put square pegs in round holes.'' Yer better off learnin a trade or somethin, cuz, like, even if ya did succeed ese, what are ya gonna do with a board with a bunch of square pegs in round holes? Not a very marketable item in these tuff economic times, eh!! Aw'right, so jus STOP IT!


Subject: "Why, oh why me?" wailed th cap't. (th whimperin CRYBABY)
Date:
Monday, February 9, 2009 4:14 PM

I saw a cartoon in th New Yorker.......a drawing of a cemetery.......on one of the tombstones, it said this, "Why me?" Ha ha. I thought that was kinda funny, cus I can relate to th question. By th way, jus so ya know; I want my tombstone to read, "What the fuck was that all about?"

So, if yer at my funeral and thas missin, I want ya to complain to somebody and tell em th Cap'm wanted it that way. I'm assumin ya can put 'fuck' in yer epitaph, can't ya?

So, anyways I'm still wonderin after all these years why it is, that no matter where I'm sittin in a bar, the loon there, the nutcase, the babblin idiot, the loud obnoxious buffoon, y'know, th drunken ASSHOLE, always winds up sittin next to me? Why do they allways gravitate towards me? And they wanta rap! First of all, they want to know if I'm a musician? And I'll answer back with,

"No, wish I was tho."

An artist?

"Nope, tried that. Didn't have any artistic abilities either."

A professor?

''Nah! I barely made it outta jr. high school.''

Y'know, some shit like that; anything to squelch any further inquiries. I always explain to em that I'm none of those things and oft times, they will argue with me and refuse to accept my denial and tell me I AM....whether I know it or not!!?

I had one drunken, obnoxious, schizophrenic chik one evening who kept tellin me over and over, in spite of me tellin her how I flunked outta junior college majorin in Art.

"CHARLEY, YOU'RE AN ARTIST, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU SAY!"

I had just met this gurl 5 minutes earlier, mind you, but, uncannily, she knew my talents better than myself did. She insisted over and over that I was an artist. I finally had to get loud and rude and obnoxious myself, usin plenty curse words in th process to get her away from me, like, ''Whyn't you get th fuck away from me and leave me th fuck alone ya stupid, fuking, asshole bitch!'' She said,

"YOU MAY BULLSHIT THESE OTHER PEOPLE, BUT, I KNOW BETTER!!"

Sheeit. Some I guess peoples jus can't handle th Truth, eh! So... a couple of nights ago I go slidin into th bar, immediately spot a known loon in there soon as I stepped thru th door, and so, rather than sit at my regular stool, I take one at th other end of the bar to put as much distance as I can between us. You'd think 30 feet would do. Nope, not good enuff tho, cuz sure as hell, about 30 minutes later this cretin stagger/stumbles his way down and sits next to me and mumbles.

"Hey dude, I been watchin you!! You've been to 'the other side', haven't ya?"

and I groaned inwardly, knowin right off, this was gonna be a hassle and said in a sarcastic as possible get-the-fuck-away-from-me voice,

"Well yeah, I've been to the other side of the road lotsa times. But, then so has th chicken."

and he said,

"No, no, man, fuck that booshit; like, I'm talkin about the OTHER side!",
putting some emphasis on 'other'. and I said,

"Hey, I don't know what ya mean, OK! So, whadd'ya talkin bout? Th UPside? Th DOWNside? Th LEFTside? Th RIGHTside? Or what? I mean what side ya talkin bout dude?"

and he said,

"You know goddam well what I'm talkin about and I wanta hear about it, cuz I got some questions! and I NEED some answers!!"

Damn! It reminded me of this gurl a while back wanted me to tell her what happens after we die? Y'know, like, I would know these things. And now; another seeker, it would seem. Well, of course, I'm leavin out a lot of our conversation, but this was th gist of it. In spite of telling him I didn't know any sides besides this side, he wasn't backin off.

Finally I had to enlist th aid of th bartender to get this fuckin idiot away from me, cuz th last time I tried to discourage a jerk like this on my own, got me banned from Fred P. Otts, th mutherfuckers! I told that offendin dude I was gonna gut im like a pig! Sheeit. I was only blowin smoke, y'know, not reely serious y'know, altho I did have a shank in my hand at th time. He he Besides, there were a bunch of peoples in between us, so I couldn't really get a good poke at im anyway. Sigh.

But, no jive, situations similar to this happen to me two or three times a week. I mean it. Every week! Peoples sit next to me and want to tell me stuff about their lives, as though I give a shit. I know, I know, yer thinkin that thas jus what I'm doin here right now, tellin ya crap about my life too. BUT..... th major difference and yer big advantage is; that ya can simply 'delete' me tho and problema is solved. Ya don't have to put up with it fer one second longer than ya choose to, cuz ya got that DELETE button right there at hand. See, saloons don't have a delete-th-fuckin-moron button, y'dig!

Sometimes these are peoples I know...but many other times they are total strangers. They don't care we don't know each other. Don't matter to em, cuz they just wanna 'share' th flotsom and detritus of their lives. But, 'why me?' is what I'm askin? It's like I have a neon sign attached to my head, blinkin off and on that sez in bright colors.

"I REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YER LIFE! NO KIDDING. TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT. NO DETAIL TOO SMALL TO SHARE CUZ... I REALLY CARE!! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO LISTEN TO YER TALES OF WOE! PLEEZE, PLEEZE TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!" (it's a big sign)

Sometimes they catch me in a moment of in-attention. Like, they've been rappin non-stop fer 25 minutes and they notice my eyes have glazed over and drool is drippin off my chin and my head is lowerin towards th bar and they say stuff like,

"CHARLEY" in a loud voice as though they're trying to wake me up!

"You're not even listening, are you?"

they say in an accusatory tone. and I say,

"Oh yeah.... sure.... so like, what did ya do then after ya shit in yer shoe?"
and they go,

"See, I knew it. You haven't heard a word I said, cus I told you about that last nite! Just SEE if I ever share anything with you again!!!"

and they stalk away, talkin about what an asshole I am. And no sooner is th stool vacated, and someone else sits down and sez,

"Oh good, Charley, there's something I've been wanting to get your opinion about! Do you remember me telling you what ______ did to me last week? Well listen to this. You won't believe what she/he did yesterday!"

and I say,

"Well of course, of course, by all means, sit down and tell me all about it...... cuz you know I REALLY care!! Gimme all th background material and remember: no detail is too small."

and the beat goes on.

SHEEIT!

th cap't

P.S. It occurs to me that I need to tell these peoples they need to acquire some Internet buddies, and then they can jus babble and rant and rave to their hearts content. It's sooo relaxin. Stress jus melts away. Of course, not as good as some good pharmaceuticals, but still.....


Subject: This, That n' Th Other
Date:
Friday, February 6, 2009 7:58 PM

Jus some completely worthless bits of information that are good fer absolutely nothin and that no one needs. So, of course I'm sendin em to ya'll.

----------------

''She was a faded, but still lovely woman of twenty seven.'' F. Scott Fitzgerald 1937

"Wow! If only a face could talk." John Madden during th Packers-Patriots Super Bowl XXXI.

''DO NOT PUT ANY PERSON IN THIS WASHER'' warning label on a washing machine and winner of th 2006 Wacky Warning Label Contest.

''There's no end to your limitations.''

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.'' Sean O'Casey. I couldn't age more Sean m'boy.

''I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my Metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'' Woody Allen

''When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one I was astonished at how much he had learned in the past seven years.'' Mark Twain

Pablo Picasso created more than 800 works in 1968-69.

Jesus goes to Jerusalem, tells everyone he is the son of God, delivers an anti-authoritarian sermon endorsing shared wealth and pacifism, (a position which is, oddly enuff, anathema to all right wing, evangelical, anti-socialist Republicans) and is arrested after being betrayed by one of his disciples. Meanwhile th rest of his crew deny knowin im, and he is subsequently crucified on a hill with a nice view outside th city.

Several of his posse begin writing their memoirs.

1940: Charles Schultz's cartoons are rejected by his high school year book.
1950, Oct. 2nd: Schultz debuts his comic strip ''Peanuts" in seven newspapers. Th syndicate paid im 90 dollars a month.
1952, Nov. 2nd: He draws a strip where Lucy holds a football and invites Charlie Brown to kick it. Nooo, don't do it Charlie.
1954: He gives Linus a security blanket.
1959: Linus awaits th comin of th Great Pumpkin.
1993: He lets Charlie Brown hit a home run.

In 1899 a bank teller by th name of William Porter ''borrows'' some money from th till and invests it in a magazine he's started called THE ROLLING STONE. After his arrest and release from prison three years later he changed his name to O Henry. He never bothered to trademark th name.

J D Salinger publishes a CATCHER IN THE RYE in 1951. And oooh, it had the fuck word in it! Th book sill sold 250,000 copies in 2001, 50 years after publication.

During a lunch at th White House, President Ray-Gun asks th Soviet Foreign Minister if Russia would side with th US in th event of an invasion from outer space. Ronnie always struck me as a spacy kinda guy.

Steve Martin announces on live tv that he, ''is a wild and crazy guy'', Sept 24th, 1977. Remember that?

In 1958, Sammy Davis was dating Kim Novak. Harry Cohn, th studio boss who owned who Novak's contract forced em to break it off. Times change, eh!

Reporter: "Where does the President stand on that?"
Secretary of State Colin Powell: "It's not where some people say the President is, or people who are not even in the government who claim to know where the President is. The President hasn't decided yet where he is. So I think we've been able to put that in perspective.'' haha Yep, clear as mud to me jus like everything else that came from those Bush Admin. fucknuts.

EXPERIENCED WAITRESS REQUIERED--ENGLIS ESSENTIAL..... a sign in restaurant window in London.

1448 BC: Moses got a gig as a shepard fer a dude named Jethro.

"The difference between the long program and the short program is time.'' an Olympics commentator covering th pairs figure skating. Whew! OK, Thanks fer th heads up there Kimo-Sabe. I'm sure that eliminated any lingerin confusion there.

William S. Bourrougs, beat novelist does a TV commercial fer Nike in 1994.

DO NOT TAKE IF ALLERGIC TO ASPIRIN warning on aspirin bottle.

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." I'll betcha ya don't know who said that one,do a? OK, I'll give ya a hint... his initials are GWB.

Ray Charles did a country and western album 1962 to th horror of many of his blues and soul fans.

Richard Nixon won more than 10,000 dollars off his fellow sailors in th Pacific. He used th money to finance his first congressional bid in 1947. I always thought there was somthin of th card sharp in that dude.

Paul McCartney grows a mullet, 1962. we coulda done without that one Paulie.

July 25th, 1956: Jerry Lewis broke up with Dean Martin after their tenth anniversary show at th Copacabana, And then, havin no visible talent of any kind, Jerry proceeded to high jack th Muscular Dystrophy Telethon, and later renamin it th Jerry Lewis Telethon. Th fuckin mook!

------------------------------

Aw'right, had enuff?!

th cap'm

P.S. Any moron can write haiku, just stop at the seventeenth syllab


Subject: A Reader's Comment RE: Sports and Athletes
Date:
Wednesday, February 4, 2009 3:19 PM

Well, check this out fer a few grins. Some pipples jus have no sense of humour, eh? Or, perhaps, a large measure of Sarcasm? You be th judge.

--------------------

''Charley, unfortunately, all of you peoples who outwardly express your feeling of thanks (towards your lord) for being selected for something special, as in your case dessert, All Look LIke Fucking Buffoons, to me. The big difference for those like you as opposed to the others, is probably the fact that the others make millions and can be or do whatever and those like you are merely looked at as sick, crazy fucking idiots. (tsk, tsk. rather a harsh assesment, wouldn't ya say? cd)

I'm actually shocked that you of all peoples would fail to realize that you were not selected by the lord to receive that dessert as there were millions of others ordering dessert around the universe at the same time. What would make you think that you were selected out of those millions? Remember, you ordered and the waitress delivered there was no divine intervention in this process. Does any of this sound familiar? Wake up, get a fucking clue and keep your expressions of joy to the lord to yourself.''

------------------

I felt I should respond and so,

-------------------------

''Please Sir, I am a Religious Zealot, so do not try and obfuscate with Reason and Logic. That kinda crap doesn't work on me or my fellow Believers.

We'll see how you and th rest of yer pagan cohorts happen to like the fiery lakes of Hell with it's everlasting, non-stop, forever, unendurable pain and agony, fer all Eternity, Time without end. It's what God refers to as,

''PAYBACK''.

th cap'm

P.S. Besides, th dessert was worthy of heavenly praise. and th reason why I was granted th dessert, even tho, as you pointed out; there may be millions more in th universe who also were havin dessert, was not fer th simplistic reasons you stated, but rather because, wrapped in th lovin arms of my Lord; I'M SPECIAL. Can ya wrap yer head around that, ya fukin Infidel?

See nothin happens without a Reason, y'unnerstand?! Yea verily, even when th smallest bird of th air falls to th earth, you will find God's fingerprints there. Providin ya have th right equipment, and I'm not talkin bout some techniques from CSI either; the equipment I'm talking about is called FAITH! Evidently somethin you and yer pagan cohorts are lacking. Jus remember, when th Grim Reaper comes a knock-knockin at yer door, it will be too late bro. I hope ya come to yer senses before then, ya dig.

Remember; Salvation is but a heartbeat away if ya want it. All ya gotta do is throw yer head upwards, open yer eyes and yer heart, thrust yer arms skyward with both forefingers extended and praise. It's that easy. And even tho some may think ya look like an ignorant buffoon and a fookin idiot, take strength knowin those fuckers are gonna burn in H-E-L-L fer all Eternity. It's a long time dude, that Eternity bit!

And remember those fires and pain and stuff I told ya about?! I always take a bountiful measure of glee when they throw th barbs at me, cus I'm picturin em there, writhin about and screamin in agony, ''Ohh it hurts! Ooooh. Ouch!'' It's a picture that warms th cockles of my heart.''

--------------

I hope he got th gist of what I was tryin to say. Damned Pagan Infidels!

th cap'm


Subject: FEBURARY 3rd, 1959
Date:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 5:42 PM

''Bye, bye, Miss American pie......

drove my Chevy to th levy........''

I wonder what Buddy Holly woulda been

doin this afternoon if...........?

th cap'm


Subject: Emulating My Athlete Heroes
Date:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 5:01 PM

Earlier today, I was having a savory repast in a restaurant I had never been to before. After I had finished the main course, when my dessert arrived, I raised my head towards the ceiling, closed my eyes in rapture and I threw up both my hands in the air with my forefingers pointing heavenwards, towards my Lord, in a gesture of achnowledgement.

When, after a few seconds, I opened my eyes and lowered my head and my arms, the waitress was standing there giving me what I can only describe as a "strange" look.

I returned her stare and said quizzically,

''Yes?"

She said, ''I'm sorry, but are you all right sir?'' I replied,

''Why yes I'm perfectly fine. Why do you ask?''

''Well, I was just wondering. You had your hands up in the air and your eyes were all scrunched up. I thought maybe you were in pain or something.''

And I replied as gently as I could

''Why thank you very much young lady for your concern, but I was just praising my Lord and Savior for bringing me my dessert! And now that I have properly concluded my business with the Lord, expressing my gratitude for His largess, would you mind terribly steppin the Fuck Off and allow me to savor my just desserts without any more interference on your part. Bless you child!''

And she retorted with easily recognizable disgust and disdain in her voice,

''Omigod. Whatever!!'

Gosh! What th fuck is wrong with peoples? She acted as though she'd never seen a person expressing their faith publicly before? The shame lies with her. No matter, she's probably of loose morals anyway and I'll bet she doesn't even worship regularly either. Oh well, it's her own soul that t'will be damned. Not for me to worry or concern myself with, as I feel that I, myself, am an excellent subject for heavenly rewards.

And I am not tasked with helping others to attain such.

When I finished my meal, confident that God would certainly agree with me, I felt no remorse for not leaving a tip for one of such surly, not to mention, godless bearing. She no doubt would have spent the money gambling or to purchase illegal drugs with anyway, so I actually was doing her a favor.

Then, when I went to pay my bill, after receiving my change from the young lady at the cash register, I once again made gestures of obeisance, praise and gratitude, and once again, although it was a different girl, she said,

''Are you all right?'' Exasperated with the godlessness of the whole establishment and the obviously pagan wait/staff, I curtly replied without any further explanation,

''Fuck off, eh!! Oh, and by the way, have a nice day!''

Sigh! I always do like to leave peoples I meet on a positive note. So, altho I did enjoy the fare, I won't be a recidivist there. There are too many other places where Christian values are still appreciated. Hmmm, perhaps I need to contact Justin Colquit. I'll bet he could recommend a good place where some one of my high moral stature could feel comfortable and welcomed.

th cap'm

P.S. I must admit though to being perplexed by those peoples behavior? After all, when athletes make a public display of their Faith, they are congratulated and praised for their courage and willingness to do so. But I, on the other hand, am made to look like some kind of buffoon and treated shoddily. Pray tell, wherein does the difference lie?

Subject: Sports and ReligionSports and Religion
Date:
Monday, February 2, 2009 3:07 PM

There was an article in th paper recently about some Christian athletes and their propensity to wear their religious convictions on their sleeve. I'm sure ya've seen em; th guys who mebbe make th sign of th cross when comin up to bat; or who raise their forefingers straight up in th air thankin their god for allowin em to make a first down mebbe. Or, after racin to th end zone, droppin to their knees in prayer in a public display of their appreciation fer his help.

There was plenty of that goin on at th Super Bowl. Personally, I think they're full of shit and are nothin but a bunch of hot doggers. They spout all kinds of crap about praisin th Lord, and acknowledgin His help in their endeavors. I don't give a shit how religious you are? It's personal. Keep it to yerself!! I say, "Fuck you and your bullshit!"

I mean, do they reely think for one nano-second that their god has jus given them a bit of supernatural assistance to help em make that reception, or whatever th hell it is they've jus done? And then, I mean, y'know, in terms of th entire Universe which is his domain, which is a pretty big fuckin place; does god care about one play of one football game outta thousands of games on th planet Earth in one galaxy outta astronomical numbers of other galaxies? In other words, is god a big enuff sports fan, that he would use his considerable powers to influence a sports contest? Ha ha I know, I know, th very idea is so laughable and ridiculous, and yet.... there are those who actually believe he does...otherwise, what are all th prayers and entreaties about?

Did th Steelers and their fans offer up more prayers and praise than did th Cardinals and their fans? Or, was it a matter of better quality prayers? Like, were they more pious, so god gave them th victory? Do peoples reely belive that god will answer their prayer of th moment, like,

''Oh pleeze god, jus let them score here. Even if it's only a field goal, cus if ys do, i'll bump an extra fiver in th collection plate fer an entire month. Or, if ya'd rather, I'll give up pizza fer ya fer a week! How's that?"

Watch when th camera crew zooms in on th fans who've got their hands squeezed tightly in a prayerful position, eyes shut in supplication, and ya know they're offerin up all kinds of deals, if only th lord will answer their prayers? Course, sittin right next to em are other peoples, rootin fer th other team, and they're askin him to act jus th opposite. Whas a god to do? He's in a no-win situation, right, cus some one's prayers are gonna havta go unanswered, and that person jus might get mad enuff to retaliate by not worshipping next Sunday. And that of course would make god feel bad, cuz he likes bein worshipped. So, how's a god supposed to keep all those fans happy and in th fold? Damn, it's a tuff job and I sure as hell wouldn't want it!

Our own Dustin Colquit is a big demonstrator. After each kick as he runs off th field, he throws his head back and raises his eyes to th heavens and thrusts both fingers skyward acknowledgin his lord and saviour. Why ya ask he must do this in front of millions of peoples, instead of jus in th privacy of his own mind? Nah, it's not cuz he's a pious mutherfucker; it's cus he's a fuckin hot dog thas why!

Yesterday, I saw one of th Steelers make th sign of th cross after a fuckin tackle no less, fr'chrissake! I mean, whas that all about? And from what I understand Kurt Warner is a big proponent of this kinda behavior too. He likes to praise th lord in front of big crowds too. It's all jus to demonstrate that he's a regular, humble, god-fearin man, and everything he's got and accomplished is all due to th lord and so he feels compelled to demonstrate his humility before all. Hey yeah, right, but, when th game was over yesterday, havin lost, did'ja see him stickin his finger up in th air in praise? Nah, I didn't either! Hmmm, well I guess they only likes to acknowledge him when he lets em win, huh.

I was jus bitchin bout all this nonsense Saturday nite, and this friend of mine said it was no big deal. That peoples didn't mind other peoples demonstratin their religion publicly. He said, since th NFL wasn't opposed, and as a matter of fact, they had a constitutional right if they wanted to! And so why did I care?

Cuz it's bullshit. It's phony! It's all an act. It's hypocritical. Fr'instance, what if...... like, what do ya think th reaction of th crowd would be if one of th various muslim players, upon reachin th end zone in a spectacular fashion, pulled out a prayer mat, and got down on his knees facin Mecca, with his forehead to th turf, and praised allah fer his success? Whooo boy, I bet ya'd find more than a few peoples wouldn't like that one fuckin bit, constitutional rights be damned! Those rights are jus fer christian athletes, ya dig!!! We'll let those raghead dudes play, but goammit, fuck that muslim booshit. This is an American Christian game and there ain't no place fer allah in it! Are ya with me here? Gimme an Amen!

But ya jus watch; one of these days, some jew or muslim is gonna demonstrate their faith too, and thas when they'll shut em all down, and that'll be jus fine with me! Some one will say,''We don't need those distractions, pollutin th purity of th game.''

th cap'm

P.S. Speakin of th Super Bowl; what a great, classic game that was, eh! I was rootin fer th Cards myself, but evidently, I didn't pray hard enuff. Sheeit, I figured Kurt and I together would have enuff Piety between th two of us to pull it off, but......oh well, at least I don't have to drink PBR instead of Bud this next week. And as far as half-time shows go; I've never seen anything to ever match ''Th Boss"! Now, That was Spectacular!


Subject: Promoting One's Self In The Music Business
Date:
Tuesday, January 27, 2009 8:42 PM

I know a young dude whose a musician and a very talented one too. Other than that, he's jus boring. Jus bugs th shit outta me whenever he raps with me. He thinks becuz I'm there every time his band plays at th bar, that I'm a special fan of theirs. Not so! My presence there has nothing to do with him or his band. I'm there becuz thas what I do. I'm there all th time cuz thas where I drink! Not becuz his band is playin there. Th two circumstances are not related.

See, altho I do enjoy th music, th fact is, I reely don't give a shit about his band all that much. I mean,y'know, it's jus some background sounds to mask th slurpin of my beer. Couldn't care less whether they be's playin th blues, jazz, rock n roll or polka.... don't matter to me, but every time he see's me, he insists on tellin me where they're goin to play next. Then he tells me th personal history of each guy in th band, how long they been playin, who they previously played for, let's me know whether they tend to come in late on th beat, or early, and gives me a brief synopsis of their personalties, their likes and dislikes; even tells me what high school they attended.

''Yeah right, tell me more dude, pleeze, cuz I jus can't get enuff info on yer band. Ya know I reely care where your bandmates went to high school! Thanks fer that info cuz that burnin question has always been on my mind, keepin me awake at nite, tossin n turnin n thrashin around! Fer sure!''

Course, in that respect, he's not reely that different from a lotta other musicians I've known. They mostly have such one-track minds and they think every thing in life revolves around Music. And more specifically, Their Own Music! They are always in constant, self-promotion mode. If ya say to em,

''Hey dude, whas up?''

jus by way of a generic kinda greetin; thas their cue to tell ya bout their last gig... or their next gig.... or th gig they'd most like to have if a fairy godmother granted their any wish. And thas when they start pressin their latest flyer in yer hand.

"Hey thanks dude. I'll jus fold this up and put it in my coat pocket. Boy, I can't wait til I get home, so I can memorize where ya'll gonna be playin fer th next six months. Gosh, this is th Best Christmas ever! It's even better than when I got my Daisy Repeater in th fifth grade!!'' Ha ha

But, what th fuck! I guess it's th nature of th business. Self-promotion is, and always will, play a big role in th music business cuz, if ya don't promote yer own damn bad self; who will? And I know what thas all about myself, self-promotion, cuz, like, many years ago, I used to be a salesman. I was in sales from th time I was 18 to 28. Talk about self-promotion! They're th same way; constantly sizing up every one they meet as a potential mark, er, customer, and then tellin em all about yer product, whatever ya might be hawkin.

Meet a salesman, and he'll be givin ya his bidness card within th first minute. I sold encyclopedias, vacuum cleaners, costume jewelry, cosmetics, photo albums, insurance, stenographic machines, copiers, dope, jus all kinds of stuff fer ten years. (by th way, th biggest obstacle in sellin a fax machine back in th late '60s was th fact that no one else had one, so who in th hell ya gonna fax anything to?) When I went into a restaurant, after placin my order, I had to ask th waitress how she was fixed fer encyclopedias, was she takin care of her chirrun's educational needs? How about a color copier, (color: that was a new cool feature in th '60s) Did she need some supplies fer her addressing machine?

Maybe some Holiday Magic cosmetics to hide those unsightly acne scars, and how's bout some nice faux-pearl earrings, or y'know, what ever th hell I was peddlin at th time. ''Here sweetie, here's my card jus in case. hehe'' So, I've been in th self-promotion game myself......and Damn, but it's a pain in th ass..... fer all concerned!

So....lhis musician dude was dronin on to me last week, on and on about his band and no jive, I got seriously drowsy so I jus tuned th guy out. ZZZZZZ Didn't hear a word he said after th first minute or so. You'd think my complete lack of attention woulda been noticeable, mighta given im pause, but it had no effect of any kind; he jus blathered away, oblivious to my indifference. Finally, after about ten minutes, as I got up in mid-sentence without a word to replenish my beer supply, which IS of major importance to me, he finally sensed he'd lost me some where along th line.

On th other hand, jus so's ya don't misunderstand me, I have a number of friends who are musicians. They're cool peoples and unless ya happened to ask em, ya could carry on a conversation with em fer hours without ever findin that out. It's not necesssary fer them to let every one they come in contact with, know they're musicians and in a band. Those are th cool musicians. They know they have unique skills which we all envy and we'd all like to possess, but........they don't feel th need to constantly focus on nothin but Music. You guys know who ya are! I think of youse as, ''th cool musicians!''

th cap'm


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