Subject: Promoting One's Self In The Music Business
Date: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 8:42 PM

I know a young dude whose a musician and a very talented one too. Other than that, he's jus boring. Jus bugs th shit outta me whenever he raps with me. He thinks becuz I'm there every time his band plays at th bar, that I'm a special fan of theirs. Not so! My presence there has nothing to do with him or his band. I'm there becuz thas what I do. I'm there all th time cuz thas where I drink! Not becuz his band is playin there. Th two circumstances are not related.

See, altho I do enjoy th music, th fact is, I reely don't give a shit about his band all that much. I mean,y'know, it's jus some background sounds to mask th slurpin of my beer. Couldn't care less whether they be's playin th blues, jazz, rock n roll or polka.... don't matter to me, but every time he see's me, he insists on tellin me where they're goin to play next. Then he tells me th personal history of each guy in th band, how long they been playin, who they previously played for, let's me know whether they tend to come in late on th beat, or early, and gives me a brief synopsis of their personalties, their likes and dislikes; even tells me what high school they attended.

''Yeah right, tell me more dude, pleeze, cuz I jus can't get enuff info on yer band. Ya know I reely care where your bandmates went to high school! Thanks fer that info cuz that burnin question has always been on my mind, keepin me awake at nite, tossin n turnin n thrashin around! Fer sure!''

Course, in that respect, he's not reely that different from a lotta other musicians I've known. They mostly have such one-track minds and they think every thing in life revolves around Music. And more specifically, Their Own Music! They are always in constant, self-promotion mode. If ya say to em,

''Hey dude, whas up?''

jus by way of a generic kinda greetin; thas their cue to tell ya bout their last gig... or their next gig.... or th gig they'd most like to have if a fairy godmother granted their any wish. And thas when they start pressin their latest flyer in yer hand.

"Hey thanks dude. I'll jus fold this up and put it in my coat pocket. Boy, I can't wait til I get home, so I can memorize where ya'll gonna be playin fer th next six months. Gosh, this is th Best Christmas ever! It's even better than when I got my Daisy Repeater in th fifth grade!!'' Ha ha

But, what th fuck! I guess it's th nature of th business. Self-promotion is, and always will, play a big role in th music business cuz, if ya don't promote yer own damn bad self; who will? And I know what thas all about myself, self-promotion, cuz, like, many years ago, I used to be a salesman. I was in sales from th time I was 18 to 28. Talk about self-promotion! They're th same way; constantly sizing up every one they meet as a potential mark, er, customer, and then tellin em all about yer product, whatever ya might be hawkin.

Meet a salesman, and he'll be givin ya his bidness card within th first minute. I sold encyclopedias, vacuum cleaners, costume jewelry, cosmetics, photo albums, insurance, stenographic machines, copiers, dope, jus all kinds of stuff fer ten years. (by th way, th biggest obstacle in sellin a fax machine back in th late '60s was th fact that no one else had one, so who in th hell ya gonna fax anything to?) When I went into a restaurant, after placin my order, I had to ask th waitress how she was fixed fer encyclopedias, was she takin care of her chirrun's educational needs? How about a color copier, (color: that was a new cool feature in th '60s) Did she need some supplies fer her addressing machine?

Maybe some Holiday Magic cosmetics to hide those unsightly acne scars, and how's bout some nice faux-pearl earrings, or y'know, what ever th hell I was peddlin at th time. ''Here sweetie, here's my card jus in case. hehe'' So, I've been in th self-promotion game myself......and Damn, but it's a pain in th ass..... fer all concerned!

So....lhis musician dude was dronin on to me last week, on and on about his band and no jive, I got seriously drowsy so I jus tuned th guy out. ZZZZZZ Didn't hear a word he said after th first minute or so. You'd think my complete lack of attention woulda been noticeable, mighta given im pause, but it had no effect of any kind; he jus blathered away, oblivious to my indifference. Finally, after about ten minutes, as I got up in mid-sentence without a word to replenish my beer supply, which IS of major importance to me, he finally sensed he'd lost me some where along th line.

On th other hand, jus so's ya don't misunderstand me, I have a number of friends who are musicians. They're cool peoples and unless ya happened to ask em, ya could carry on a conversation with em fer hours without ever findin that out. It's not necesssary fer them to let every one they come in contact with, know they're musicians and in a band. Those are th cool musicians. They know they have unique skills which we all envy and we'd all like to possess, but........they don't feel th need to constantly focus on nothin but Music. You guys know who ya are! I think of youse as, ''th cool musicians!''

th cap'm

Subject: Worth A Chuckle, Perhaps Even A Guffaw
Date: Monday, January 26, 2009 5:41 PM

My good friend Vegas Judy sent this to me. This cracked me up, so, breaking my usual stance here, I'm passing it on.

------------------------

"As life goes on, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my local GP referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why, she said,"Because I'm trying to examine you."

------------------------

Ha ha Oh Mercy!

th cap'm

Subject: ERROR! ERROR! My Bad!
Date: Friday, January 23, 2009 4:35 PM

When I wrote about my son's gurl friend's bar, th Corner Bar in St. Charles and th two-lane bowling alley in th basement; jus fer th hell of it, I tried searchin th net fer some more info on, ''cocktail hat bowling'', but I blanked. There was nothing! Couldn't find nary a word.

But, I said this game was referred to as, "cocktail hat bowling''. Ooops, well, no wonder I couldn't find anything; that was my mistake cuz I jus heard from my son a few minutes ago and he corrected me, saying it was called, ''cocked hat bowling'', not, ''cocktail hat bowling''. He went on to write me,

''yeah i just read your email about the part two. it's actually "cocked hat bowling". (as I mentioned, in this game, you only have 3 pins, instead of th 10 pins in regular bowling cd) when you hit the head pin only and you have to pick up the 7-10 split on your next ball it's referred to as "bowlin with your cock out." but anyway try looking up cocked hat bowling', you might have better luck.''
So, I did. And had lotsa better luck too. Th below is a small segment from an article on bowling in general.

''Another version I will use as an example is the version of bowling called "Cocked-Hat bowling." This version of the game actually originated in Germany and was adopted into popularity by certain people in the United States.

Nonetheless, its popularity was short-lived. There is, I believe, only one location in the US where cocked-hat bowling is still played. This place is a little club called The Corner Bar in St. Charles, Mo. It is a three pin game, using special duckpin bowling balls.''

See? Did'ja see that part where th Corner bar in St. Charles is noted as bein th only one left? Remember? Thas what I said, so....I got that part right, OK.
th partially right cap'm

P.S. So... go to St Charles. Go to th Corner Bar and engage in some cocked hat bowling. Jus try to not bowl with yer cock out!

Subject: A Small Taste Of Trivia Fer Ya!
Date: Thursday, January 22, 2009 4:51 PM

Do ya remember that song from 1964 by th Shangri-las, "The Leader of the Pack"?

"Hey Betty, is that Jimmy's ring you're wearing?"

"Uh huh"

Did'ja know Billy Joel was playin piano on that? Gasp!

As far as I'm concerned tho, he coulda faded into oblivion with th rest of em. Wouldn'a missed him one bit/beat.

th cap'm

P.S. That reminds me of this quote from Mike Tyson a few years ago, after he was released on his rape conviction about his plans for th future?

''I might just fade into bolivian.''

Th man had a way with words didn't he?

Subject: Trip To St. Louie, Part Two
Date: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 5:30 PM

On Sunday, we trucked on over to St. Charles. This is a small city along th river front, mebbe twenty miles NW of St. Louis where many early settlers arrived and built their homes. Th main drag, Main Street, is a big tourist attraction; about an eight block long brick paved street (what else?) full of antique shops, tea rooms and assorted touristy attractions.

But, we went there to see th bar Ms. Libby (Jason's g/f) owns. Her bar is a few blocks away from that area and serves a mostly local clientele. It's on a corner, and is named The Corner Bar. She sez it's th oldest bar in Missouri dating back to 1865, altho it was closed during Prohibition.

It's a pretty neat bar by itself, but it does have one very unique attraction tho, that ya won't find in any other bar in th whole damned country; Check it out, it's th only bar thus equipped; it has a TWO-LANE BOWLING ALLEY in th basement! No jive! In days past, there were other bars that had this feature too, but accordin to th American Bowling Association, hers is th only one left.

This particular brand of bowling is called, and don't ask me why cuz I dunno, ''cocktail hat bowling''. Th lanes are a few feet shorter than a regular lane, and not quite as wide, and th balls are about th size of a grape fruit and they only use 3 pins instead of ten. They have a pin setter who stands in a box to protect himself from flyin pins, (his name is flyn and accordin to some graffiti posted there, he has a small penis) and he retrieves th balls and puts them on a rail sendin em back to th bowlers, and then resets th pins by hand.

Up at th front, where th bowlers stand, there is a holy water fount there, mounted right between th lanes, where th would-be striker can dip his fingers if he so chooses. Libby tells me tho, that since th water hasn't been blessed, there are those who then find th benefits of it's use, questionable.

She also tells me she has an elderly lady, who is th official statistician, and who keeps all th records on all th bowlers who ever played there since, roughly, th beginnin of Time. Like I said; she's elderly!

They have regular league games Monday thru Fridays and th lanes are available for private rental on Saturdays. OK, so next time ya feel like gettin wasted and bowlin a few lines, fuck th bowling alley; head on down to th Corner Bar in St. Charles. Tell em th Cap'm sent ya! That'll get ya th bum's rush out to th side walk. Ha ha

After checkin out St. Charles, on th way back I was listenin to th radio and Th Rams jus hired a new coach, and they were analyzin and projectin, and predictin, y'know how radio sports guys carry on, takin calls and so on, and th peoples there believe, hope, that he's goin to be their Saviour, and bring em back to Glory. Sounds familiar doesn't it? See, we have a lot in common with th natives there.

Aw'right, so th next time yer on th road, stop by St. Louie fer some laffs and grins.

th cap'm

P.S. When she was 27 in 1424, Joan of Arc began to hear voices. Th specific instructions of Saint Michael, Saint Catherine and Saint Margaret are to cut her hair, wear men's clothes and join the army in order to free the French from the English invaders.
(hmmm, do ya think our little Joanie had some gender issues?)

Subject: My Trip To Saint Louis; Part One
Date: Tuesday, January 20, 2009 4:56 PM

I went to St. Louie over th weekend to visit my son and his gurlfriend. Have ya ever been to St. Louie? It's a cool city I think. Th city has a certain ambiance which feels to me a lot like an east coast city, and of course that can be either good or bad, dependin on how ya happen to feel about east coast cities. Th downtown is pretty impressive what with their hockey arena, football and baseball stadiums all bein located there, as is one one of their casinos also, (I think there's one more jus across th river in East St. Louis, Illinois) as opposed to here in KC where we like to spread everything all over th fookin place.

So...how do ya feel about bricks? If ya like brick structures and churches, ya'll find plenty of both in abundance there. I guess St. Louians must be religiously inclined and thus, do a lotta worshippin, cuz they seem to have a church on every corner. If one were drivin or walkin along and felt a sudden urge to worship somebody, well, ya wouldn't have far to walk or drive, before encounterin a House of Worship. And these aren't jus yer average, basic churches either, but rather huge medieval-style cathedrals, with towerin spires soarin upwards to th heavens, makin you in contrast feel pretty much like th insignificant piss-ant ya are! Reminded me a lot of th kinda churches I used to see in Europe. You can see those church spires juttin up over th horizon all over th city.

And if ya like brick as a buildin material, ya would love St. Louis. Everything there seems to be made of brick; homes, businesses, institutions, etc. everything. Brick, Brick, Brick! Bricks here, there, everywhere; fuckin bricks all over th place. My son quoted me some local trivia non-sense, that if ya stacked all th bricks on top of each other blah blah blah and climbed to th top, ya would be in Heaven, but personally, I don't believe ya can stack enuff bricks, regardless how many ya got, to ever reach Heaven, cus fer one thing, I think it only exists in our minds anyway, eh. Besides didn't some guys waaay back when, already try and build a Tower to Heaven, with less than satisfactory results. I think th effort turned em into a bunch of babblin idiots, didn't it?

But any ways there are whole neighborhoods consistin of brick homes that are all almost identical in appearance; very little difference in any of em. And there are a lotta these small one story, one bedroom ''shotgun'' houses, mebbe 14 feet wide, sometimes less, with barely two feet separatin em one from th other. Heck, ya can cram twenty of em in one block.

And they have alleys too. We don't have many alleys here in KC, do we?! Like, I'll bet ya don't have an alley behind yer house do ya? Nah, but if ya lived in St. Louie, ya prolly would. But I like th alleys tho; reminded me a lot of Dayton, Ohio, where I lived for a few years when I was in grade school, waitin fer Santa to bring me a 200 shot Daisy Repeater, a lot like that kid in 'Toy Story. Thas where all th action was; thas where we played mostly, y'know, hide and go seek, kick th can, Red Rover, etc. Didn't have a bunch of pesky traffic interruptin th fun. So, if ya happen to be th kinda person who likes hangin around alleys, there's an alley waitin jus fer you in St. Louis! You will like it there.

Next: Part Two; Up th River To St. Charles

th cap'm

P.S. An excerpt from a book by Senator Barbara Boxer of California.

''Her skirt was very short, and Josh found himself mesmerized by her perfectly shaped, silken legs with kneecaps that reminded him of golden apples.''

Hmmmm, hot knee caps, eh! (snicker) That reminds me; that Indian maiden on Land O' The Lakes Butter packages has nice kneecaps too, don'cha think!

Subject: I Had A Dream!
Date: Monday, January 19, 2009 4:35 PM

Oh wait.... that wasn't a dream; it was a Nightmare! But at last, at last; th eight year long Nightmare finally comes to an end. Hallelujah! As Americans, we can be proud of ourselves becuz, in spite of what Bush/Cheney and their Rovian thugs have done to our great country, we have survived th Unbearable. Now, we have to take th tattered fragments of what's left and try and put it all back together; back to some semblance of what it used to be. And it's gonna be damned difficult. Sheeit, all th King's horses and all th Kings men faced an easier task of puttin Humpty Dumpty back together again!

I had tried to summarize a lot of th horrors inflicted on us by those megamaniacal fuckheads, but sheeit, why bother!? It's not like I would be tellin ya anything ya don't already know, eh! But personally, I think th fuckers oughta be held acountable. I think they ought to pay a price for what they've done. I think they oughta be locked up like th common criminals they are and fed slimy, green baloney sandwiches, like th rest of their ilk. But of course, thas not gonna happen. They'll all go off to lucrative, high payin jobs in th private sector. Cheney will prolly get his old job back runnin Haliburton. No big deal. Nothin new there, cuz actually, he never left it.

And so now, our new President is coming into office facing bigger challenges than any other President in our history. Our Economy in complete shambles, bogged down in wars on two fronts, our international reputation sullied almost beyond repair. Sigh, I hope he's up for it.

th cap'm

P.S. Ironic isn't it, that th next day following Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday, a black man is being inaugurated as our President! I wonder if even MLK dreamed that?

Subject: In Defense, Sorta
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009 2:22 PM

Get this; Tommy th D, he of th tasteless joke notoriety, now accuses me of ''waterboarding'' my poinsettia, Nigel, in spite of my efforts to show ya that my action there was one of Ignorance, not Malice. In spite of th fact that I had Nigel's best interests in heart, and was only tryin to nurture im, in th end, it turns out that I actually killed him with Love. Ironic, isn't it that my good intentions turned out so badly!

It's kinda reminiscent of a remark of Col. George S. Patton, th son of th legendary WWII general, about one of his actions in Vietnam which came to symbolise our efforts there,

"In order to save th village, we were forced to destroy it!''

I guess ya could say roughly th same thing about Iraq today, eh.

But anyway, regarding Nigel's untimely demise, If I was Geo. Bush, I could say I was ''disappointed' in th outcome! Not sorrowful, or remorseful, mind ya, but merely ''disappointed''. But sheeit, I give ya credit fer more Intelligence than that slime-ball mutherfucker, whose end can't come fast enuff fer me! Cuz I admit it! I fucked up! And poor Nigel paid th price. Kinda like !

Well, thas what happens when clueless buffoons are in charge, eh?! Some body's gotta pay th piper! Nigel and th 4,000 + dead Americans in th Iraq Farce could attest to that!

th cap'm

P.S. I didn't watch Der Decider's departing message last nite; din't have th stomach! But from what I heard, it went jus like I suspected it to go. He tried to sugar-coat th big pile of Shit he thrust on us fer th last eight years, tellin us it was actually a chunk of chocolate, and then left that big steaming pile lying there fer his successor to try and clean up.

Subject: RE: ''kickin th dog across th room."
Date: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:42 PM

MEMO: To all th outraged dog and animal lovers.

Oh pshaw! Heck ya know I would never resort to such vile caninephobic behavior. Shoot, ya know PETA would revoke and cancel my Lifetime Membership Card if I did. I like animals and pets. Altho I do still carry certain guilt feelings about my past in that that most of my pets, includin my pet rock Orson, died of starvation while lying in their own feces.

But, that is all behind me. Reely! That was th old Captain. That all happened back in th old days when I was hopelessly hooked on th Devil Weed, spendin all my wakin hours scammin, robbin trains and stage coaches, prostitutin my body, y'know, doin what ever it took to feed my addiction to th Marihuana, while ignorin th basic needs of my pets, i.e. sustenence. That was th only thing on my mind, gettin enuff jack to score my next puff. And then, startin th whole ungodly process all over again while my life spiraled steadily downward out of control.

Let that be a warnin to ya boyz and gurlz. There's a lesson to be learned here. Lissen up; if yer out on th playground and some seedy lookin dude sidles up to ya (fer one thing, NEVER Ever trust any one who ''sidles'') and whispers,

''Psssst! Hey kid! I got some Reefer! Wanna get high?''

Flee! Run away as fast as ya can. Do yer civic duty and report im to yer school counselor or better yet, Th Po-Lice Authorities, so he can be apprehended and sent away to eat green, slimy baloney sandwiches, and altho not very likely, be Re-habilitated. I say, not likely, cuz, usually, once addicted; th degenerate addict is doomed to a Life of Crime and Degradation, culminatin in th end in Madness & Lunacy. It's a one-way trip to th Loony Bin, and if ya don't believe me, I suggest ya rent a movie called, Reefer Madness. You'll see plain enuff what I'm talkin about!

So, any ways, thanks to th efforts of Father Mulligan, I was able to pull myself outta th gutter, back into th mainstream and now spend my time here on th sofa, instead of runnin those mean streets lookin to th next score, while ignorin th needs of my pets. And tho I still feel badly bout it all, I'm sure they're all up in Doggie/Cat/Gerbil/Hamster/Poinsettia/Pet-Rock-Heaven now.

Th point is; I'm Reformed now, see! Th haze of my Mary Jane addiction has faded and I can see clearly now and would never kick a small, defenseless doggie across th room, jus because I was frustrated and enraged and felt like kickin somthin across th room that couldn't retaliate....like a small defensless doggie!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, do ya recall me tellin ya a few years ago bout my pet Poinsettia named Nigel? Now, his death was a Reel Tragedy which haunts me to this day. Oh th Irony of it all. Cuz see what happened was; in my efforts to make sure he didn't die of starvation while lying in his own feces, like those unfortunate others who preceded im, I inadvertently drowned him!! Oh, it was sooo sad! I still have nightmares of Nigel screamin at me while I'm emptyin another pitcher of water on im,

''STOP! Fer th love of God; NO MORE WATER!! Pleeze! Stop!''

Glug. Glug. and then his leaves go limp and he goes quiet..... and I come leapin up wide awake, drenched in a cold sweat! Rememberin. But dammit, it wasn't my fault. It was an accident. I didn't know Poinsettias could drown! I didn't know. I swear.

Subject: Sick,Tasteless Joke. There's Nothing Funny About Mental Illness
Date: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 7:10 PM

OK, ya'll, my buddy Tommy th D sent this to me and I wanna take this opportunity to apologize fer im right now, up front. Some things jus shouldn't be joked about and I'm sure this so-called joke sprang outta th twisted, bitter mind of some Bush/Cheney Radical Republican Neo-Con Fanatic, who needs to have his mouth (and brain if he has one) thoroughly washed out with some Heavy-Duty-Industrial-Strength Soap. There's jus no place fer crap like this!!

-----------------------------

John Hinckley released from prison?

There is speculation attempted assassin John Hinckley may soon be released, seen as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan.

We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: We just wanted you to know however, that while you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado!!!

--------------------

See what I mean? Man---that is Terrible! There is just no justification for sludge like this to be passed around, so I hope you have th good taste to delete it post haste.

th cap'm

Subject: Stupid Things Said Or Published
Date: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 1:39 PM

Actual book titles nominated for The Bookseller magazine's “oddest” Titles Award.

*Circumcisions By Appointment
*Urogenital Manipulation
*Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
*Bombproof Your Horse

-----------------------
On A Medical Chart.

''He has not had a bowel movement in 48 years, and this is somewhat
unusual for him.''

(Ha ha 'somewhat' unusual???)

-----------------------

From The Glasgow Herald.

Spokeswoman Susan Sheehan said,

''We know from talking to patients and clinics that there is only one active sperm donor covering the whole of Scotland at the moment.''

(whew! that must be one tired man and one tattered kilt, eh)

-----------------------

Th Prez demonstrats his geographical knowledge. During a visit with Brazilian President Luiz de Silva, after da Silva showed him a map of Brazil.

"WOW. Brazil is big!''

then, during a G8 luncheon,

''Russia's big and so is China.''

(and you thought th man was stupid!)

th cap'm

Subject: Th Case Of The Cursed Dog!
Date: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 11:29 AM

A few days ago a buddy of mine gave me some Magik Herb from California. This is some reely keen stuff. You can get this herb from yer doctor there; it's a medicinal herb, you see. Its fer what ails ya. Like, supposin yer feelin down and lowly, what ya do is; ya take some of this stuff and put it in a pipe bowl, then put some fire to it, and inhale deeply. Voila!

Mere seconds later, ya feel great. It's like magik! Then ya drink flagons of mead to go with it, and yer jus havin a swell time. Th combination of these two organic substances cannot be beat. It's a fuck of a lot more effective than aspirin, I can tell ya. Of course, every silver lining has a cloud lurkin some where about in th background. Ya know how that goes tho don't ya?! Cus, sheeit, nothin in this existence is Free, y'dig!

Like, early this morn, fr'instance, upon my return to th crib, wobbling about th kitchen/laboratory a bit, I decided to indulge in a little snack before my nightly rendezvous with Morpheus. I grabbed my supply of hot dogs, Oscar Meyer, all-beef, of choice. I was plannin on usin my Hot Diggetty Dogger hot dog preparation device, but some how or other, I knocked it off th top of th my Electric Toaster where I had balanced it ever so carefully. It hit th floor with a clatter. What th heck, no big deal right? But when I re-balanced it and inserted th hot dogs there...Nada! There was no ignition! Damn! Ya would think this gadget wasn't so fragile that it couldn't withstand a small drop, wouldn't ya? Well, hell, my own fault I guess. Whadda'ya expect from a Canadian hot dog maker, eh!? I want my two dollars back tho!

Aw'right, sheeit, I jus figured I'd use th back-up system; th Radar Range. And I figured that as long as I was usin that, I'd jus throw in a bowl of ham 'n beans too, so while they were bein zapped, I went to get my BBQ sauce ready and followin directions, I shook th bottle vigorously and after th fourth or fifth shake I couldn't help but notice that BBQ sauce was flyin all over th walls and floor. Dammit It was BBQ sauce here, there, BBQ sauce everywhere. Oh, bother! Intent on satisfyin my hunger, I ignored th mess.

So, seconds later, when th bell sounded, I carefully wound a path around most of th sauce and sat at table, but shoot, I forgot my milk, but when I got up, curses! I knocked my bowl of ham 'n beans to th floor!! Aaaaargh! I began to think this particular early mornin snack wasn't goin so smoothly. I had broken my hot dog maker, scattered BBQ sauce everywhere, and had a pile of ham 'n beans all over th floor too. I said, Fuck it! I'm not quittin! I'm gonna see this thing thru to fruition and fuck th mess, I'll deal with it on th morrow!

So, doin th side step, I made my way to th ice box and grabbed my gallon of milk and set in on th table. Well, I guess I didn't sit it exactly on th table, but rather on th edge of th table, cus it fell right in my clump of ham 'n beans and of course th fuckin capping system failed, and milk product was gushin out and in my haste to retrieve it before it all ran out, I leaned over to pick it up, and godam it all to dog fuck, I lost my balance, and tryin to break my fall, thrust my hand right in th middle of th ham 'n beans slidin forward, crackin my head on th wall.

Th Three Stooges combined, could'na put on a better show than I did all by myself. I mean, can ya believe this shit? All these misadventures happened within about two fuckin minutes. After confirmin that my appendages were all still workin, I stood up, sorta, with milk, ham 'n beans, and BBQ sauce all over my hands and shirt and jeans.

Well, I'm tellin ya boyz n gurlz, that was pretty much th end of my patience, and at that moment, I felt th keen absence of a small cuddly pet, y'know, cuz like, I needed somthin I could kick across th room! Y'dig! Sheeit, my fuckin kitchen was a total fookin mess. Now, jus to be clear here; this wasn't my first rodeo y'know! I mean, I done this kinda thing many times before, but not all in th same nite. Normally, I woulda spread these kinda shenanigans out over a week or so. It all seemed like a whole lotta trouble jus to eat a hot dog!

''Darn that California Medical Herb'', I said with a chortle. Now, gimme another hit!!

th cap'm

P.S. Damnation! Walkin thru my kitchen is not exactly like a stroll in th park. It's a sticky kinda situation, y'know what I mean!?. There are clean-up issues to be addressed. OK, so, like, any volunteers? Oh yeah, keep this whole sordid affair jus between us, cus I don't wanna get a rep as a drunken, stoned buffoon! Thas not th Cap'm!

Subject: Urinal Dot Net
Date: :Monday, January 12, 2009 5:42 PM

I don't remember where i got this originally, but I'm passin it on to those of ya who may find th urinal an interestin setting, or perhaps even a objet d'art.

Also it's for those gurls who may have wondered in th past also what jus what th hell th men's room also looks like there? (I luv Sarah Palin) if thas th case, here ya go. there's much to be admired here boyz n gurlz and perhaps ya got yerself a unique urinal also and ya would like to share with others? Don't be shy.

Contribute yers to th mix.

th cap'm

http://www.urinal.net

Subject: As His Inmates Grew Thinner, a Sheriff's Wallet Grew Fatter
Date: Monday, January 12, 2009 4:30 PM

I hope you can get th below attachment. If not, perhaps you already read the article yourself. My buddy, Mike th G sent this to me, prolly knowin I could relate.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/09/us/09sheriff.html?th&emc=th

I wrote Im back.

-------------------

This was exactly the situation here in 1970 when I was in the Jackson County Jail for months before I was finally transferred to the federal joint in El Reno. Oklahoma. And then for a month when I later came back for final sentencing. At that time, the Jackson County jail was not in it's present location, but was located on the top three floors of the Jackson County Courthouse, It was a dark, dank, dirty smelly place.

See, back in '70, and for many years going back decades, the Jackson County jail had a national rep as one of the worst county jails in the country, along with some other places like Cook County (Chicago) and LA County. The physical conditions of the jail, the sweltering heat in the summer, the lack of heat in the winter, the food, the chronic overcrowding, the inmate trusty system, the daily on-going, non-stop violence made for a real ''hell hole''. It was a real bad place to spend any time.

The feeding of the inmates was one of the perks of being the Sheriff of Jackson County. The state paid the Sheriff a certain daily amount of money to feed inmates, as did the Federal Government for inmates like myself housed there while awaiting trial or transfer to a federal prison. The Sheriff was permitted to keep for himself (no questions asked) any monies in excess of the daily food allowance per prisoner.

This practice had been in place for many decades and was just standard operating procedure. It was a very lucrative perk for the Sheriff because he made an extra 30 K a year off it. And keep in mind, these were 1970's dollars too. 30 large was a goodly amount of money then.

We were given a hard stale donut or roll and cold coffee for breakfast at 5:45 AM. Then for lunch at 11 AM, a green and yellow, one slice baloney sandwich made with reject bread from one-day-old bakeries, with some green watered down kool-aid. And then, to end the day, dinner at 4 PM. where we were treated with some kind of unidentifiable, tasteless mush with corn complete with the green kool-aid and stale bread again. The corn we were given was what is known as 'field corn; each kernel had little straw-like strands sticking out the end. This corn is what was normally used to feed pigs and livestock. Humans wouldn't eat this kind of corn, unless they were starving, or---- in the Jax County jail!

And if you didn't have any money on the books for commissary, it was a long fucking 12 hours between dinner and breakfast the next morning. Around midnight, you were wishing you had a bowl of that mush even. Anything to stop the grumbling in your belly. You were in a constant state of hunger and they liked it like that, because you'd eat any kind of crap they gave you.

I lost almost 20 lbs there before I was sent down to El Reno, where I quickly gained it all, and some more back. It's weird, but after the Jackson County, eating in the federal joint in El Reno was like a gourmet restaurant.

Then, in the month after I came back from El Reno awaiting final sentencing. I lost weight again and weighed 132 lbs when I got out. Skinny as a rail.

When I was released, I wrote to and met with a well known and renowned Investigative Reporter for the KC Star by name of Carl Jones. I told him in two interviews about, not only the food, but a lot of the other medieval conditions that were common place there and he wrote a three part exposé series in early '71 about the horrors of the Jackson County jail and reforms that were badly and urgently needed.

Which turned out to be much ado about nothing, because instead of an outcry of outrage which I had naively expected, the reaction was pretty much, ''ho-hum'' cuz most peoples couldn't have cared less about what kinda crap peoples in jail were forced to eat or what kind of conditions they suffered under. The thinking was; if they hadn't done something wrong, they wouldn't have been in jail in the first place, so---who fucking cares! Remember, these were the Nixon years, and it was not only cool for public officials, but expected of them to be tough on ''crime''.

The Sheriff defended his food policies, saying he had done nothing wrong; that the Sheriff was allowed, and indeed, always had been, to keep any extra money if he was able to cut food costs below the daily allotment and that prisoners were being adequately fed. Man, what a fucking crock that was!! If I'm not mistaken, it was several years later, during the Carter Admistration I believe, before that policy was finally done away with.

So, when I read that article in the paper a couple days ago, I was shocked and surprised to see this practice was still going on. But then----not too surprising tho, becuz it was in a small town in Ala-fucking-bama if you noticed, and it could have just as easily been in any small town. (although I must admit, I was served as fine a breakfast as I've ever eaten in Liberal, Kansas on my return trip from El Reno) Other sheriffs there saw nothing wrong with it either! No need to coddle prisoners with actual amounts of edible foods. Fuck em! And as I said previously, that was typical of the attitude here too before it was finally stopped.

And then, to top it off; I was greatly amused at the Judge's re-action of sending the sheriff to jail and the outrage it caused among law enforcement. Sheriffs in Alabama and others like them; The Mutherfuckers! Oh gosh, the poor sunuvabitch was incarcerated for one fucking night! Whooo boy, I bet he learned his lesson, eh!? What do you want to bet that the inmates in his lock-up are going to be eating the same piddling amount of crap tonite, they were trying to swallow last week!!

I suppose those vile inmates there in Decatur, Alabama ought to be grateful they live in AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, because at least they weren't being waterboarded. We do still have our principles, don't we? haha Now, that's amusing!!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Babble And Drivel Of Th Loon Early Of A Morn
Date: Friday, January 9, 2009 3:29 AM

When we talk about, ''the american way of life'' ya've heard that many times before, eh! but jus exactly what th fuck does that mean? what IS th ''american'' way of life? Is it different from th german way of life? Or th canadian way of life? Whas th difference? Are there other ways of life similar to our american way of life, or--- is it uniquely ''american'' in some kinda way?

Time doesn't stand still; it waits for no man---so if yer late, yer gonna miss yer bus. simple as that. and altho time doesn't stop, supposin jus fer th fuck of it, let's say time actually did stop fer ten minutes. what would ya do durin that non-time? like, would ya whistle broadway show tunes? or what?

always use caution when functioning at th junction.

Ya ever sit in a joint next to some one who likes to chew their fuckin ice cubes? crunch crunch crunch. godam but it's annoyin! stop it pleeze, or I'll hit ya upside th head when my bottle becomes half full.

Ya know mannheim mickey from hamburg? It's a long complicated story, ok, so don't ask!

The next time ya climb a bean stalk, tell that big fuck who lives at th top jack said, ''nyah, nyah, nyah, fuck you!''.

Ya know, ''little billy from miami''? tell im never to go back to Atlanta again, unless he's lookin to take a dirt nap, cus ''cowboy'' is still pissed!

Y eah, i've been to Denver, but i never OD'd there!

don't flick ice cubes off th bar top with yer forefinger--cuz--it hurts! Don't believe me? Try it sometime. I'll bet ya don't do it a second time

I know ya heard of ''joe th plumber''? well, I'm ''joe th dreck'' sometimes.

I wonder what timothy leary used to think about when he looked back on his life and reminisced? Do ya think they were colorful memories? Ha ha

an ode to th birds up in th trees, ''free, free as th breeze''

life is like a hot dog/
full of grease and mustard/
some onions/
and relish too/

Remember that radio show back in th '40s bout th black detective? Th shadow---he know!

Back in '61 Iused to sell encyclopedias door to door thru out Georgia and n. Florida. my livlilhood depended on th naive, th gullible, and th ignorant. We referred to em collectively as ''mooches''.

god made th mooch/
so con-men could survive/
thas th function/
of th mooch/
so that others/
may thrive/

I wonder--if you hopped off th kitchen table, could ya hit th ground running?

doin th bad man boogie

One time, many years ago, I was havin a loud, drunken argument with my gurlfriend on th pay phone hangin on th wall in th saloon. Some guy kept interruptin and buggin me that he wanted to use th phone. so---- Ihit im reel hard on his forehead with it. I flipped im a dime and told im I had his next call covered and no need to thank me. un amigo chastised me and told me that there was no need to act like that. I said, ''Hey, no sweat, it was only a dime!''

memories of hot dogs, grilled to perfection.

Did Itell ya bout Shiva, th sentient, homo-sapien hating tornado? Especially trailer trash. it would make go outta it's way jus to take out a trailer park.

I had a dream. and in my dream, i woke up and it was rainin beer! not a bad way to wake up, eh? even if it was only a dream.

When th occasion calls fer more that jus a ''goodbye'', try this,

It's late! It's late! and so, farewell my friends. perhaps, the gods willing.... our paths shall cross again, and we shall recall this night of good cheer with.... great affection.

th cap'm

Subject: What's Next?
Date: Thursday, January 8, 2009 3:40 PM

Th Cap'm, finger always on the pulse, spots a new trend. Yep boyz n gurlz, I feel th Winds of Change kickin up some dust. I have keenly noticed in th last couple weeks four different dudes I know, formerly of th bald headed mode, are now lettin their hair grow back out. Mere co-incidence? I don't think so!

This bald-headed look has been with us fer some time now, hasn't it?! But as ya'know... nothin lasts for ever, eh! Especially fashions, whether they be of clothing, cultural, or in this case, of th hair! Like, I remember back in th 60's and 70's when th Afro-look was so cool and hip. And not jus among th Africans either, cuz lotsa white boyz n gurlz were into that too. Celebs, sports guys, Joe Cool, even Joe Nerd; they were all sportin Afros. Today, they look at photos of themselves back then and chuckle in embarrassment. They chortle and say, in wonder and surprise,

''Wow! That looks ridiculous. Ha ha What th fuck were we thinkin? But it was sooo hip at th time tho. But sheeit.... today it looks so silly! All that frizzy hair like a big fuzzy basketball on our heads.''

OK... fast forward here 30 years and this current crop of hipsters are lookin at pics of themselves back in th 90's and 2000's and will be goin,

''Wow! That looks ridiculous. Ha ha What th fuck were we thinkin? Why in th fuck were we shavin our heads to look like we were bald? Our heads looked like shiny cue-balls. But sheeit, half th guys I knew back then looked like that.''

See, what I've been seein is jus th vanguard, y'dig! Th rest of th troops will be followin soon. It's gonna happen dudes. If ya don't believe me, then check out Th Seer's seer, th Man hisself; Nostradamus's quatrain # 1406.

When the gold turns to copper/
When the bush has failed /
In the reign of the Nubian/
Hair will prevail/

Sounds pretty clear to me. So.... looky here boyz n gurlz, here's th deal; when th Cap'm and Nostradamus both; are in Synch, well....ya can take that one to th bank! Assumin that is, that th bank is still solvent.

th cap'm

Subject: The Great American Fairy Tale.
Date: Thursday, January 8, 2009 2:36 AM

''One must be presumed Innocent; until proven Guilty!''

This is one of th Basic Tenants of our whole Legal System! Th Principle is as important as any thing there! HOW EVER, any one who has ever just been charged with a crime, not convicted yet, just charged; will tell ya what a Big, Bold Crock Of BULLSHIT that is!! Oh sure, peoples will repeat that empty slogan and say it out loud, but th fact is, th whole time they're talkin bout it, they're thinkin,

''That Mutherfucker is GUILTY as shit!!"

Y'know, cus, like....they're thinkin, if they weren't guilty, then why were they even charged to begin with? So, obviously they're Guilty.Thas what peoples think!

Take yer Gov. Blog fr'instance. Th man has not been ''convicted'' of a single damned thing yet. But, they wanna impeach im? For what? He hasn't committed a crime, has he, cuz he hasn't been convicted of anything? Yeah, sure, he's been charged, as every one in most of th world knows, but where's that ol Presumption of Innocence? Y'know, one of yer most basic rights? What happened to it?

And then, those fuckers in Congress don't wanna seat th guy Blogo appointed to th Senate? As a Governor, thas part of his duties. At this moment in time, th man hasn't been convicted of a crime...ergo, at th moment, we must presume he's Innocent, right?! And so, therefore he should be able to continue to perform his duties as Governor. Right? (I know it can nget taxing agreein with me on everything) Remember that pesky ol thing bout bein Innocent til proven Guilty?

Ooops. Seems like some body forgot about that.

And now, Harry Reid wants to deny Burris, th legal appointee, his Senate seat; said seat which he was properly appointed to by th Governor. So..... on what grounds can they deny him th seat? They amazes me. Th blatant hypocrisy of it all. From what I understand, no one is even allegin that this guy Burris has done anything wrong, immoral, or illegal. So... what's th beef?

Well, it's reely simple enuff, isn't it. It's nothin more than ''Guilt By Association''. And further more, association with a guy who's never even been convicted of a crime! (yet)

And then, look at Gov. Richardson of Colorado. He had to give up his appointment as Sec. of Commerce! Why? Well, becuz th Feds are lookin at him in connection with somethin or other that may not be on th level! So... where's his so called Presumption of Innocence? Ha ha Fuck that ese!

Like I said, it's all a big crock of Bullshit!

Bet hey, don't get me wrong, OK, cuz I know that crooked ass-ed Governor is Guilty as Sin too, but I still think we, if nothin else, jus fer th sake of Th Charade, should pay at least token service to his right to be ''Innocent, until proven Guilty''! Y'know, jus fer th sake of appearances, so, like, fledgeling Democracies will know how to conduct themselves, instead of choppin th hands off suspected thieves, without goin thru all th mumbo-jumbo legal motions first.

th cap'm

P.S. Yeah, yeah, I know... I'm babblin. But, thas what I do when I AM!

Subject: Great Expectations-- For Naught.
Date: Wednesday, January 7, 2009 3:29 PM

As ya know, I'm sure, sometimes Life can present us with Disappointments. Verily, for who amongst us has not ever said, ''Gosh, I'm disappointed!"

This was how I felt, after riggin up my new Hot Diggetty Dogger, (which I told ya about recently) and placing an Oscar Meyer wiener in th receptacle and activatin th system. I could hardly wait fer th finished product, and when it popped up.... I quickly arranged it, just so, on my pre-mustard-slathered slice of bread, and th Moment of Truth was upon me.

Keepin that slogan, ''The Greatest Hot Dog Maker In The World'' on th side of th machine in mind, I eagerly took that first bite, expectin bells and whistles and fireworks and so forth and so on. But....nada! I mean, I'm not sayin it was Bad, y'dig, but it was jus hot dog-business-as-usual. Sheeit, it wasn't any different than if I had zapped it in th Radar Range fer 30 seconds!

Indeed! Those damned Canadians! They conned me. I shoulda known better. What th hell they know bout hot dogs anyway? Helloooo. That would be like me goin to Taco Bell to give em some advice on Mexican cuisine.

Well whad'da ya expect I guess, huh? After all, these Canucks are th same critters who refused to help us make th World safer by invadin Iraq and stoppin em from droppin nuclear bombs on our heads and also bringin em Freedom and Democracy. And...did it work? Well, when was th last time ya saw a mushroom cloud in yer neighborhood, eh? Nuff said bout that!

And then there's th matter of my new Electric Toaster. It seems that th toast only goes halfway down. So then, I gotta remove it and turn it upside down and re-activate th System! It seems kinda inefficient to me. My idea would be to make it so th piece of toast went all th way down and thus completely eliminate Phase Two of th Operation. See what I mean?!

Darn! It's jus one thing after another, isn't it? Hey but, ju know wat... I may be down now, but, I've weathered adversity before, and ...I'll be baaack!

(I always like to end on a Positive note. Y'dig!)

th cap'm

Subject: Exciting Shopping Excursion
Date: Monday, January 5, 2009 6:19 PM

Earlier this afternoon I went to the Goodwill store north of th river. I was hopin to find one of those automatic answerin machines fer my phone, but sadly, they didn't have any.

But th trip wasn't wasted by any means, becus I did find an Electric Toaster device. It's pretty cool; you put one or two slices of bread in it, push th lever down, it heats up and shortly afterwards, yer bread has turned to toast. And it has different settings on it too, so ya can select th crispness that ya prefer yerself. I started to buy a Delux model they had, which allowed ya to do FOUR slices all at th same time, but not bein th ostentatious type, I settled fer th two-slotter model.

Heck, I'm not tryin to make a statement or anything, y'know what I mean. Not lookin fer nothin fancy, I'm jus tired of puttin th oven on broil, and waitin fer 3-4 minutes fer my toast. Besides, I will save energy this way, since I never need more than two slices at a time and that energy woulda been wasted in those two empty slots. See where I'm comin from? I wonder if this qualifies me as ''greenie''?

But th real coup fer th afternoon tho was in th Hot Diggety Dogger Roaster I picked up. It sez it's, ''The Greatest Hot Dog Maker in the World.'' And it's from, strangely enuff; Canada. That kinda surprised me cuz I'd never reely thought of Canucks and hot dogs at th same time. Hey, but this is hott, ese! It operates in a similar fashion to th bread toaster. Like, ya place yer dogs in these circular holes on th top of th device, and put yer buns in these two oval holes there; push th lever down which lowers yer dogs and buns down into th innards of th machine, where th heating element does it's thing, jus like on th toaster, and soon they automatically pop right up to th top and now ya got a roasted dog with a warm bun to go with it, all with nothin more than th press of a lever.

Sheeit, what'll they think of next? I think I've already told ya bout th Electric Can Opener I bought a while back, didn't I? Man, this technology is somthin, isn't it! I dunno, sometimes I think they're movin too fast fer me.

th cap'm

P.S. OK, so then, on th way home listenin to th traffic report, th newscaster said that there were some cattle blockin th highway on I-435 out South. Evidently, she jus couldn't resist th urge cuz she said,

''Hopefully, they will be MOOOO-ved soon.''

Talk bout Diversity. Take that East coast elitist!!! And then later on, th broadcaster said,

''Taking a government that was already in grid-lock, Blogovevitch has now bought it to a stand still.''

Hmmm, I'm still mullin that one over... lookin fer some subtle, hidden meaning.

Subject: Bringin In Th New Year With A Bang. A Big Bang, A REEL BIG BANG!!
Date: Thursday, January 1, 2009 4:03 PM

Last nite at th saloon, jus a few minutes past mid-nite, there was a flurry of peoples headin out th door. Evidently, some one had brought some fireworks to celebrate th New Year. I stayed there on my stool cus, altho I was curious, I ain't no sheep..I don't follow th crowd, y'dig!

Th bartender asked me,

"Whas'sa matter? Aren't-cha goin out too Charley? Don't ya wanna see some fireworks?''

I said,

''Nah, thas OK, I've seen fireworks before!''

So, we were about th only ones left in th bar, and we were jus sittin there rappin and a couple minutes later, there was an explosion--KABLOOOM!--followed by th ''Ooooohs'' and ''Ahaaaas'' and cheering and applause of th crowd. I mean, dude, it was Fuckin LOUD! This wasn't any run-o-th-mill firecracker! This wasn't no M-80 either! This was Big!! I'm talkin Reel Big! Th bartender let out a,

''WHOA! What th fuck was that!!?''

and I went simultaneously.

''Godam! Sheeit!! Mutherfucker!!''

This thing rattled windows! We both guffawed, and chuckled. There was lotsa laffin, yellin and cheerin goin on outside too. After a minute or so, when th crowd noise died down a bit, I looked out th window and saw some guy across th street leanin over and put his lighter to somthin, and then he high-tailed it back across th street and jus a couple seconds later, I saw this large bright, reddish-yellow fireball erupt, followed instantly by a thunderin’ --- KABLOOM--- once again! And this huge cloud of smoke roiled down th street. Wow, I must say, it was pretty spectacular. This was a first class explosion.

Yep, I'll tell ya, a couple sticks of dynamite goin off in th middle of th nite makes quite a sound and will amuse yer friends no end, haha but I wouldn't recommend it. I guess ya could say it was a “Dynamite Celebration.” Ha ha and a bit unusual too, cuz most peoples don't usually bring in th New Years like that, eh? I expected to see th Po-Lice rollin up any second, but I guess they had plenty other stuff to be dealin with at that time. And besides, they prolly wouldn't have found it as amusing as that crowd did either, I'll bet. Well anyway,

HAPPY NEW YEAR BOYZ N GURLZ!

th cap'm

P.S. OK ya'll, I wanna make it clear here, that I was but a spectator in this whole affair. OK!? I was inside th tavern when this all went down. I was in no way connected with this blatant violation of th Law, y'dig! Cuz, like, basically, I'm a Law Abidin Person....but, I did thoroughly enjoy it!! Ha ha