joe dreck
December 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, knowing the deadline looms for
digtal conversion has decided to buy a color TV.
Email
capt_duderino@webtv.net.

Subject: RE: Avoiding Traveling Pitfalls
Date:
Monday, December 29, 2008 4:47 PM

Recently, I wrote about th need to make sure to include some beef jerky in yer Emergency Travel Kit, cus round this time of year when peoples get in their vehicles and travel about thru th inclement weathers, one can easily get stranded... marooned as it were...out in some desolate place where, not only do they not know yer name; they don't even know yer there! And thas when ya got problemas. Thas where yer Emergency Travel Kit becomes a life saver!

So today, pertainin to this, I received this query from a friend of mine, and I quote,

"Dear Captain, just curious; what about those of us who don't eat meat? Or chicken? Or turkey? Or fish?? What should we pack in our Emergency Travel Kit? signed, A Real Vegan"

(''Vegan''-- aw'right boyz n gurlz, thas a hard core Vegetarial)

And the following below is my part of my reply.

*************

May God have Mercy on yew, ya poor misguided Soul, but never mind that fer a minute; here's one very important point I would like to make here in this whole issue...Meat vs No-meat? If ya don't eat meat, then, it follows, ya don't eat hot dogs either. Right!? Now I ask ya; what kinda Life is That any way? An existence without hot dogs!! And what about chili dogs? And chili-cheese dogs? And hot dogs w/ mustard and onions? And hot dogs with relish? and ......and.....and all the other .......I mean.......it sounds like some post-apocalyptic doomsday scenario I don't even want to think about.

I mean, th whole concept is jus too, too utterly depressin to dwell on. I'm gonna have a hard time th rest of th afternoon expungin these "negative thoughts" from my mind, cuz y'know boyz n gurlz, like, negative thoughts are nothin but ''mind pollution'', and even tho we likes our meats, we're still opposed to pollution, aren't we!! Well anyway, it's bad enuff when ya got an Apocalypse goin down; but to deprive folks of their hot dogs at th same time? It's jus downright Mean!
So..... perhaps a few celery stalks would be in order fer th likes of any such person as ya described. I can only ask tho; whut kind of AMER-ICUN doesn't eat meat? Huh? Prolly some left-wing, commie, scruffy type ya might find supportin Ralph Nader! Thas who!! Radicals and naer-do wells and nabobs of Negativism would be my guess.

Seriously; do ya think any of our FOUNDING FATHERS were Vegetarials? I seriously doubt it!! Do ya think our Constitution was written by a bunch of lentil-soup sippers?

Again, I don't think so!! This country was founded, led, and supported by Red-Meat eaters. Carnivores, if ya will. Thas th way it's always been. Like, durin th Second World War we got by jus fine on Spam, thank ya very much. Those stories ya've read about ''Victory Gardens'' didn't reely amount to a hill of beans. And back in th '60s when we called on our young men and womens to defend Freedom and Democracy in a far off land, th Vegetarials all went off to Canada where they jus laid about smokin reefer and boinkin Canadian chics instead....... while th red blooded American meat-eaters went off to War and got their asses blown off.

Hmmmmm..... perhaps there's somethin to that after all. Let's see........ War and Death?... or... Sex and Dope? Hmmmm.......veddy intersting. I must further admit, I'm still perplexed how a bunch of rice eatin "gooks," as they were derisively called, managed to whip and humiliate our meat-eatin asses? It gets confusin, don't it? Some things just don't make sense, do they? Well, I hope this answers yer question.

the cap'm


Subject: Th Cap'm Advises A Young Person
Date:
Sunday, December 28, 2008 4:30 PM

A couple nites ago I was rappin with a young friend of mine. He's about 24; would be my guess. He was jus recently discharged from th Army and he was tellin me about how great it was to be back home and about his new apartment and how nice it was. He said th only thing he didn't like about it was that there were no on-site parking facilities; only on-street parking.

But havin been gone fer th last four years, and prolly forgettin th local scene, I cautioned him that it was a pretty bad neighborhood he was movin into. I told im it was now, ''th hood'' and how he oughta reconsider th locale.

He said that it wasn't a problem tho, cuz they had a security guy on th door and lotsa cams around th building. He seemed unconcerned. But I was tryin to tell him that all that security didn't mean much, cuz after he left th building and walked out that front door, he was on his own, and would still have to walk to his car, and therein lay th danger. I was tellin him thas where he could have some problems; y'know, th walk to th car, vulnerable to gettin mugged..... and suddenly a thought struck me... and instantly, I cracked up laffin. He said,

''So...what's so funny?''

It had jus occurred to me that while I'm warnin him about th bad neighborhood he's about to move into, I completely fergot th neighborhood he jus left, cus he had jus spent th last 26 MONTHS in beautiful, sunny IRAQ! Ha ha Here I am, warnin that he might get mugged, when fer th last two years, peoples been actively tryin to KILL im!! And I realized that after th last two years and all that had happened there, that little walk to his car would be like a stroll in th park to Him!

I felt pretty fookin stupid, y'know, but, sheeit, fuck, I was jus tryin to give th kid a ''heads up'', y'know what I mean. I jus fergot to take into account that one little detail of his recent life.. Besides, he told me,

''Don't worry bout me Charley, cuz If some body messes with me, I'll jus blow em away!''

and he showed me th large pistol he was carryin. I said,

''Oh yeah, I see! haha Yep! That oughta discourage any potential muggers, you betcha!!''

And so we both got a few chortles and chuckles outta my little gaffe and all, and I felt better then, havin a strong feelin he would be OK and wouldn't come to any harm in his new neighborhood.

It's a good thing I warned him tho, in't it?

th cap'm


Subject: Diggin Thru Th Flotsom And Jetsom To Get To Th Truth
Date:
Friday, December 26, 2008 9:47 PM

I went ta th bank a couple days ago. I had ta put my thumb print on th check I wuz cashin. It said on th top of th little plastic stamp pad,

"INKLESS INK PAD. press thumb blah, blah, blah......"

I asked th dude behind th counter how it wuz possible ta have an "inkless" ink pad? Sounds kinda oxymoronic ta me. He didn't know whut I wuz talkin about. So I showed him th message written there. I said,

"How can ya have an "inkless" ink pad? That doesn't make any sense, I mean, if there's no ink, how then, can it be an ink pad?"

He jus shook his head in confusion. I said,

"Well, look here, if there's no ink, whut th hell is this black stuff all over my thumb?"

Once again, he didn't know whut ta say. He started lookin nervous, started lookin around, prolly wonderin if he wuz gonna have'ta call Security ta get this loon outta his face. Jus ta reassure him and calm him down, I said,

"Hey dude, it's no big deal, OK! Have a nice weekend."

and I walked off, prolly leavin him wonderin bout that "have a nice weekend" bit, y'know, since it was Tuesday and all.

"Inkless ink pad!" SHEEIT! Whut bullshit!! Thas kinda like this bottle of Aunt Jemimah syrup I have. It says in bright, bold, yellow letters,

"BUTTER RICH syrup -Natural Butter Flavor - with other natural flavors - contains no butter"
Say whut? "Contains no butter"?! How then can it have "natural butter flavor" if it doesn't contain any fookin butter? I don't unnerstan!

Man, these peoples and their bullshit. Oh, and check this out. I always get a kick outta readin th labels on, say, fr'instance, Grandma Molly's Chocolate Chip Cookies.

"Made with Grandma's Secret Recipe."

Ha ha. Whadda joke! No way ya could duplicate Grandma's "recipe" unless ya had access ta a lotta chemicals and a fully equipped Laboratory. This is not somthin ya could whip up in an ordinary, run-o-th-mill kitchen!! This is why, when referrin ta various culinary projects of my own, I always use th phrase, "Lab/kitchen", cuz lotsa my stuff can't be done in no ordinary kitchen either.

th cap'm

P.S. We had a rather quite X-Mas eve at th tavern. There was lotsa Christmas Spirit goin on and only two fights durin th whole nite! Joy to th World, eh!


Subject: Sometimes I get Pissed!
Date:
Tuesday, December 23, 2008 7:28 PM

Jus as an example of how much this crap with th 700 Billion dollar bail out to Wall Street pisses me off; yesterday, I was sittin in th waitin room at my doctor's office and picked up th paper and read this,

''Banks that are getting bail outs awarded their top executives 1.6 billion dollars in salaries, bonuses and other benefits.''

As I read on, but before I could finish, th nurse called me in take my weight and blood pressure. She was wrappin my arm and asked me how I was doin and so on while she was pumpin up th inflatable band and she was lookin at her watch, and I started tellin her what I jus read, and she said,

'Stop, calm down Charley!''

and then she said,

''Oh my god!''

and started laughing. She said,

''Your blood pressure just shot thru th roof!''

and she was gigglin and found it all very amusin. So, she let th pressure bleed off and then said, still laughin,

''OK Charley, let's do this again, but this time, I want you to forget about Wall Street. OK? Think about something relaxing instead. Something pleasant.''

And she's still gigglin. I told her I was glad she was enjoyin herself, and she apologized and said she'd jus never seen it shoot up that fast before. Thas great.

I always like to amuse peoples. Especially when they're watchin my blood pressure shootin skyward. Hey yo ese, I'll bet I coulda broken that fookin thing if I had gotten reely pissed.

So, th next time, I took her advice to think about somethin pleasant and I thought about gettin stoned and did much better that time.

th cap'm

P.S. Sheeit! That crap with Wall Street is only one of dozens of things that piss me off. That mutherfucker Dick Cheney, th one who is not accountable to any one, th one who has shredded th Constitution th last 8 years, that arrogant bastard reely makes me mad!! I guess if I want to keep my blood pressure low, I oughta go find a cave in some isolated area some where to live in. Or mebbe I oughta jus go back to th jungle and climb a tree and eat bananas all day long. Sheeit!


Subject: The Dis-connect
Date:
Tuesday, December 23, 2008 5:17 PM

Early this morning, I was getting ready to leave th saloon when my buddy, th owner said to me.

''Catch ya later, huh, and by th way Charley, we're goin to be open every nite this week.''

Kinda confused me fer a minute and I said back to im,

''Well cool, I'll see ya again, but thanks fer th heads up.''

and wonderin why he's botherin to tell me that, cuz, like, he mighta jus well said,

''By th way Charley, th sun will be comin up every mornin this week.''

I had no idea what he was talkin about and I wondered, ''Why's he telling me this?'' and then he said,

''We'll be open X-Mas Eve and X-Mas day too!''

and then, th light bulb went off, and I remembered,

''Oh yeah.... thas right.... it's X-Mas isn't it, and not an ordinary week!''

Y'see, I don't get into th Christmas celebration very much and had completely forgotten that it was but days away. Had he not reminded me, I could very easily have missed it entirely. Dammit, I hate bein outta touch.

th cap'm


Subject: Holiday (eating) Tips!!
Date:
Tuesday, December 23, 2008 3:53 PM

My good friend 'Vegas Judy' sent this to me. I thought it was pretty amusin and personally, I don't see why these helpful tips should be limited to th holidays, cuz they strike me as good advice year round!

th cap'm

*********************

Holiday Tips
(by Unknown)

I hate some things about this time of year. Not just the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. (fuck th foods po-lice in all their forms cd)

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts...eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

(Vegetable sticks! Scuse me while I pull up my soap box cuz as a card carryin carnivore, I wanna hip ya to a couple things here. As fer those ''others'' and even tho I count a few of my very best friends, like th Ms Sally Gurl, fr'instance, among these critters, I feel duty bound to refute and rebuke th pernicious influence of these ''vegetarials'' whenever and where ever they pop up. See, like, some years ago, one of our forefathers, lying there in th crook of a tree and reachin up to grab yet another banana said to hisself,

''Sheeit, another fuckin banana! I'm so godam tired of bananas fer breakfast, lunch and dinner and in-between snacks. There's gotta be somethin else to eat around this joint!''

So, he dropped down outta th tree onto th savannah and there, shortly, discovered MEAT. Remember 2001? A drum roll, pleeze! And after that very first bite he said,

''WHOA dude! Now thas what I call, good eats!''

So he climbed back up and told th other guys in his set about his newdiscovery and told em,

''Hey yo dudes, this gonna change everything. Get ready fer th Future!''

And so, by word of mouth, cus this was before th internet, y'dig, word spread bout this new culinary product. And so, fer th last few million years we've been doin jus fine with MEAT, and I see no reason to go backwards. OK?! Tho, truth be told, I'll bet if that first guy were to latch on to a Beeg Mac today, he'd prolly say,

''What th fu...? So, like, what happened to th meat?''

Aw'right, so scuse th digression kids, but I think it's important to remember our Meat Heritage; back to our helpful hints. cd)

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot is something you leave for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit any more, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. (simple, but sage advice. cd)

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can...and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Holiday Time!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. (can one ever eat TOO much gravy? it's also very healthy in that it makes yer blood slide more easily thru yer arteries. cd)

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. (an exercise in futility fer sure! why bother, indeed! cd)

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free...lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. (again; why bother? all exercise does is make ya tired and worn out. cd) You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again. (these can be particularly delightful after yer most recent doobie cd)

8. Same for pies. (see personal advice above cd) Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards! Unless it was my Mom's fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Must've been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months. (ok, I'm in complete agreement here. I'll take an el paso on th fruitcake. no fruitcake fer me...um no... no thanks. thanks reely but I don't think so. in other words, ''fuck a bunch of fruitcake!'' cd)

10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. (and ya prolly didn't do enuff eggnog either cd) But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

**********

Aw'right, so I think this writer did a pretty good job here, however there is one glaring omission; th most important of all reely; that is, make sure ya do a reel nice bowl of some righteous Herb before ya even go in, and also make sure ya got a rolled doobie to do in th bathroom in between snacks. Nothin sez Holiday Cheer better!

th cap'm


Subject: Where's the beef? A Carnivore's Dilemma
Date:
Sunday, December 21, 2008 10:12 PM

Do ya remember that old commercial where th old lady asked quizzically, "Where's the beef?" Well, right on sistuh! It was a good question then, and today it's even more pertinent than ever.

Sat. afternoon I went to Wendys and what I got in return fer my money was in no way “beef.” I don't know what th fuck it was, but bein a lifelong carnivore, I know “meat” when I encounter it. "LOOK!", I told th young gurl there at the counter, I said,

"Darlin, I know what meat is....and THIS is not meat!"

Same thing with that circular slice of orange crap that was supposed to be a tomato. What a scam! How do these peoples get away with callin stuff like that “beef” and “tomatoes"? Aren't there supposed to be some kind of 'truth in labelling' laws?

So, after my last experience at Wendy's I decided to forever forego fast food places. Even though I've been eatin at em fer th past 52 years. Many are th evenings when ya could find th capt' havin his evening repast at one of those establishments, but...NO MORE!! BASTA!!

And, do ya remember, like, back in th olden days, when tomatoes were big soft, red, pulpy things that ya could cut with a regular kitchen knife? Sheeit! Today ya need a Black and Decker 1/4 hp circular saw to get through one and ya better have you a good sharp blade on that dude too. It used to be when ya bit into a real tomato ya would have bright red juices full of seeds runnin down yer chin.

Ya don't gotta worry bout that no more, cuz today they taste like a piece of soggy cardboard; same texture too. Be sure and put plenty salt and pepper on that thing, that is, unles ya prefer yer cardboard un-seasoned. I dunno, I guess in th future, if one wants something with a meaty taste, a Soylent-Green Burger would be yer best bet. Well Done, of course!

th capt


Subject: KCTV 5--Live! Late Breaking! Investigative
Date:
Friday, December 19, 2008 2:25 PM

If ya ever watch KCTV 5 news there is no way in hell you could ever watch it for more than a minute without knowin yer watchin KCTV 5! Jus fer th fuck of it, I counted em sayin KCTV 5. They said it 31 fookin times durin th 5:00 PM broadcast last nite durin th broadcast. Thas THIRTY ONE TIMES in a half hour. How fuckin ridiculous can ya get?!

And I think th peoples who work there must have a little contest goin amongst themselves to see who can say it th fastest, cuz if ya didn't know they were sayin KCTV 5, ya might not be able to decipher what ya jus heard. Besides sayin it, th KCTV 5 logo pops up constantly. It's in th background of every story. Now, of course, one expects em to toot their own horn, sure, but sheeit, gimme a fuckin break huh! I feel like they're tryin to manipulate my mind. I feel like they're brainwashin me. Sometimes, when I'm sittin around th crib, or mebbe drivin down th street, from outta th ether, KCTV 5 pops into my head.

I dunno, mebbe it's jus me, but some things jus annoy me. Like, KCTV 5's weather person, Katie Horner! She thrives in weathers like this. She gets off on this time of year. Th cold fronts movin in; mixin with that warm air comin up from th Gulf, arctic blasts comin in from th north causin some light snow startin at 3:45 PM,and then changin to sleets and ice at 8:15 and continuin til 11:30, at which time it will be between 15 and 16 degrees.

KCTV 5 Course she luvs tornado weather too. That may be her favorite time of th year. Man, when Katie detects a cloud some where, th first thing she does is; she KCTV 5 Weather Coverage checks fer rotation. If she even suspects some rotation, once she interrupts one show to tell ya about it, y'can ferget about watchin any shows on KCTV 5 fer th rest of th evening. Cuz she's gonna tell ya about that cloud. She's gonna tell ya how clouds form; and where that perticular cloud originated and she's gonna give ya th altitude, th speed KCTV 5 and let ya know where exactly it's goin. And thas not all; if ya live jus a half mile N.E. of Platte City, she'll tell ya jus when it's gonna pass over yer barn too.

And th reason she KCTV 5 does it all? To make you safe! Thas why! Thas her chob. To keep us safe! KCTV 5

I wondered tho; was I bein fair to KCTV 5? Mebbe they all do that? So I watched Fox 4 news at 10:00 and they said Fox 4 news 10 times durin their broadcast. OK, I can live with that.

By th way, when I got up earlier, KCTV 5 after listenin to Katie last night warnin about th approachin apocalyptic storm which was supposed to decimate th area with snows and KCTV 5 sleets and ice and rain and thunderstorms and lightening and every other conceivable weather calamity, I was surprised to KCTV 5 see th community was still standin. I was expectin to need a snow plow to get outta my driveway, but as a matter of fact, it looked perfectly normal. Oh well, thanks any way Katie Horner KCTV 5 fer th warnin.

th cap'm

P. S. Aw'right boyz n gurlz, I encourage all of youse to watch KCTV 5 this evening and count how many times they say KCTV 5, and then write it down in yer diary. Won't that be fun when ya get together fer a sleep-over and ya can compare notes? By th way, how many times did I say KCTV 5? Huh? Were ya countin?


Subject: ''Wipe That Smirk Off Yer Face Young Man!!"
Date:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 11:52 PM

I was recently exchangin views with Texas Pat, my good friend outta Texas, about our President and his recent encounter with an element of th Iraqi counter-culture concernin their methods of insultin peoples.

Some folks, like th Prez fr'instance, weren't aware that throwin a shoe at some one's head was considered an insult. But, why would one think otherwise? Like, I'm not aware of any culture/society where th hurlin of a shoe at another's head is considered an act of homage? Who knows of such a place? I would think th citizens there would be reel reluctant to do anything that might earn em an ''award''.

Dick Cheney (th mutherfucker) once presciently said that when we invaded Iraq we would be greeted by th peoples there as ''liberators'' and they would, accordingly, throw flowers at us. Well, he got it partially right. Cuz they're definitely throwin stuff at us, i.e. bombs, mortar shells, shoes, etc. Jus not so much in th way of flowers.

Jus fer a second tho, imagine a different story completely. What if that dirty, no-good shoe hurler had thrown flowers instead? That woulda confused th shit outta peoples wouldn't it! Ha ha They wouldn't had a clue as to his motives? They wouldn'a known whether to embrace im and march im jubilantly around on their shoulders--- or to break his fuckin arms? Secret Service dudes woulda been lookin at each other quizzically, rollin their eyes, shruggin their shoulders, not knowin what th hell to do? Well pretty much th way they reacted with th shoes.

But anyway, Pat and I discussed th look on GB's face and Pat said of Georgie's perpetual smirk that, every time she saw it, it made her want to smack him upside th head. But, as I said to her,

''But, dear lady, wouldn't we all?''

Th thing is tho, in a civilized society, we have to learn to control our baser instincts. Thas what separates us from th lawless, uncouth illegal Canadian aliens. Y'know, what an unruly mob they are!

Like, what if every one of us who felt that way acted on their feelings? Heck, as agile as he has proven himself to be, I don't think even th Prez could dodge a barrage of that magnitude! Our poor Prez would be black and blue and I don't know how he could continue to keep us Safe, if he was spendin all his time duckin head smacks and th occasional shoe? But one thing th Prez did do tho; was demonstrate th importance of keepin fit. I hope that lesson, at least, wasn't lost on ya boyz n gurlz.

And it also inspired a Fantasy fer me! Seein th Prez duckin those shoes got me to fantasizin,

''What if?''

Y'know what would be cool? Like, ''what if''--- th same thing happened to Dick Cheney, but with these differences. In my fantasy, th dude makes a direct hit. POW!! With a pair of Heavy Duty, Industrial Strength, Steel-toed Jackboots! Right square between Cheney's glowin red beady eyes--- WHACK! ---- he reels, he staggers---WHACK!!--- Again! Fer th coup de grace. He goes down! And stays there!

But then, th real world intrudes. Sigh!

th cap'm

P.S. When peoples talk about George Bush's Legacy. They always repeat th refrain,
''He kept us Safe!!"
And I think, well yeah he did, But, oh wait! Cuz when I hear that; an enduring contradiction always pops in my mind; yeah he did----- EXCEPT fer that ONE day, remember that one? Sept. 11th, 2001. Hmmm he didn't keep us so safe on that day did he? But sheeit, all th other days he did reel good. So---- th verdict is; he kept us Safe??


Subject: Nightmare In Leadville. Doing Hard Time In The American Gulag
Date:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 3:30 PM

Some of ya may have heard this before, but this is a true story, although it is so shocking as to be almost unbelievable. I mean, ya hear about things like this, but ya just don't want to confront the reality of it. It's easier to jus bury yer head in th sand and pretend things like this don't happen. This is not a tale fer th innocent or th squeamish, and if there are chirrun about, ya might wanna have em leave th room.Ya'd like to think things like this don't really happen in THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, (formerly) THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, but they do!

We like to think of Colorado as a place of natural beauty, th snow covered mountains, th forests, th ski slopes, th resorts and lodges, with a nice warm fire in th fireplace, a place of fun, adventure, glamour and romance. But jus below th surface is another place, one ya don't see in th brochures, one th Chamber of Commerce doesn't tout; th dark underbelly as it were. Th Colorado ya don't ever wanna experience.

I happen to overhear this tale of horror in Mike's Tavern. It'll make ya go weak in th knees. This young dude was telling 4 or 5 of his friends about th night this past summer when he was returnin to KC after a vacation and was passin thru Leadville, Colorado, and was pulled over by th local law enforcement thugs fer some bogus reason or another. It turns out he had no drivers license or any other kind of ID.

So, he was handcuffed and taken to th Leadville slammer where he was incarcerated fer 18 hours straight! Thas EIGHTEEN FOOKIN HOURS; locked up in prison, ya dig!!! I mean, they didn't let him out to go buy a newspaper or check out a book from th library to while away th time. No TeeVee, video games; nothin.

There he was; a young innocent college dude, with no priors, behind bars doin hard time. It was a totally frightenin situation cus he was locked down with big-time parking violators and serial jay-walkers, and other anti-social types. Heck, there were even a couple hard case hooligans in there doin time fer disturbin th peace. All in all, a bunch of riff-raff ruffians.

But that was th least of th nightmares he would have to endure, cuz when it came time for breakfast and this is where this nite of Terror gets really bad, OK..... prepare yourselves....get this! ...... (gasp)

THEY DIDN'T SERVE ANY BACON OR SAUSAGE WITH THE EGGS!!!

No shit. I warned ya it wasn't pretty. And on hearin this part, th gurlz all went bug eyed with fright, ''Oh Miiii Gaaawd!'' Myself, I almost fell off my stool at th enormity of th Horror of it all. Ha ha Takes yer breath away doesn't it? Most of us can't begin to imagine what that musta been like?!!

Toast with eggs....but no sausage or bacon to go with it!!!

Yep, ya may find it hard to believe boyz n gurlz, but y'see, th American Gulag does exists! Ya hear about th horrors of foreign jails, but who would think such a thing like that could happen right here in America?

So.... on a note of caution here, just remember this; if yer ever travelin through Colorado, ya might wanna, oughta steer waaay clear of Leadville; drive 50 miles outta yer way if ya have to, cuz they got a slammer there that makes guys glad they're in joints like Leavenworth, or Marion, or Pelican Bay, ya know whut I mean?

And jus like that kid, ya never know. Cuz, like, sometimes in life, all of us, make bad decisions, or mebbe we jus happened to be in th wrong place at th wrong time, or mebbe it's jus Fate! Who knows? But we find ourselves in situations like that young dude, that if we survive, change our lives forever. And even tho that nightmare had happened several weeks ago and in spite of th almost boastful manner in which he related it, underneath his facade of false bravado, one could sense that he was still traumatized and won't be forgettin that night of terror fer a long time.

OK, so remember what he went through, and reflect on it, cuz if jus one person gets something positive outta th re-tellin of this tale; it will have been worth it. (I've always wanted to say that)

the capt.

P.S. I'm not tryin to terrorize ya or give ya nightmares or anything, but think about it; NO BACON OR SAUSAGE WITH TH EGGS!


Subject: More On Our Gurl Sarah
Date:
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 10:56 AM

Havin jus heard Gretta-what's-her-name's most recent interview of Sarah Palin, it is jus incomprehensible to me how any body could detect any intelligence in a mind so shallow and stagnant, a baby tadpole couldn't wallow there.

What in th world is th attraction there? She is so obviously dense, th Village Idiot, even when confused, makes more sense than her.

And I found it amusin that th guy, John McCain, who picked her as his very own running mate, when asked if he would endorse her in 2012, didn't hesitate a second to say ''no'', because as he said, ''there are many other worthy candidates out there''. Hmmm, one can't help but wonder why in th fuck he didn't pick one of em then, instead of her?

th cap'm

P.S. OK, boyz n gurlz, th Visionary goes to work here. I see a Republican Dream Ticket next time around.
Sarah th Alasskan and Joe th Plumber in 2012!
Whew! Mercy! Now that would make quite a duo, don'cha think! "We doan need no steeenkeeng John McCain!''


Subject: Just Another Shoe Thrower
Date:
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 1:45 AM

The thing that I wondered while watching th guy throw th shoes was,

''Where are th guys who're supposed to be willin to 'take one' for the President, if necessary, to save his life? You know, th Secret Service?''

Sheet, it seems they wouldn't even take a shoe in th head for im, much less a Black Talon! Ha ha Not that I blame em, I wouldn't myself, thas fer sure! But, I don't get paid to either. I dunno, it looked like some pretty slow response to me. Th first shoe; nobody coulda prolly stopped that one, but th second one..........?

It's a wonder it didn't get outta hand tho, y'know. Like, th guy standin next to him thinks to hisself,

''Damn, I bet that felt good! That Dog!!''

And then he throws both his shoes..... and then another guy on th other side of th room.... and Bushie is boppin and weavin, grinnin, wavin at th crowd, sayin,
''You like me! You like me!''

but then, it gets contagious and they're comin in from all directions and before th SS can block em all, he's buried under an avalanche of shoes; thus end-eth the Reign Of El Supremo George W. Bush. Headlines all over th world read,

''Disaster In Baghdad; The President Gets Shoed''

and from what I unnerstan, in th Muslim world, to throw a shoe at some one is a egregious insult. I imagine bout th only thing one could do worse woulda been to hurl a clump of pig shit at im. Ha ha I'm sure yer average Muslim would find that plenty insultin enuff. (Muslims don't like hot dogs; go figure)

No, but all kiddin aside, that journalist didn't represent th Iraqi's peoples view. That was jus th antics of one disgruntled shoe thrower asshole, actin on his own. Our President is very popular there. They hold im in great reverence and respect. Thas why this incident, in and of itself, wasn't that big a deal, cus, like, normally when th Prez goes among th peoples, they throw flowers, not shoes, and lay garlands at his feet and th little children reach out and try and touch his robes while he tussles their hair and they clap their hands in unison and jump and down and spin around and they chant,

''Ali Dubya Baba! Ali Dubya Baba!''

which means in Arabic, ''The Liberator''

Thas th way it normally goes down.

th cap'm

P.S. I'm bettin after they've reviewed that tape a hundred times, they're gonna detect some body was outta position at th time. Some one on that SS detail is gonna take a fall. Somebody is goin to get a transfer to a secluded spot somewhere along th Alaskan/Canadian border, whose job it will be to keep an alert eye out fer Canucks tryin to sneak across th border, comin into th Alaaska, bein lawless, committin crimes and havin babies, litterin and spittin on th sidewalk, speakin Canadian while jaywalkin, and flyin Canadian flags, and eatin Canadian bacon, dilutin our culture. A third of em on welfare, and a third of em kickin back, relaxin in American prisons, watchin reality shows, while th rest take chobs away from decent, hard workin American familes. Cuz even tho Georgie was grinnin and jokin bout it all, I don't think he likes havin shoes (shoes; that would be more than one) thrown at im, at a news conference whose purpose was to re-assure especially th American peoples, but also th peoples of th world, that not only are we winnin th war, but we're winnin th hearts and minds too. No, reely. We are!


Subject: Rainy Day Book
Date:
Monday, December 15, 2008 5:27 PM

I was at th library earlier today, searchin fer somethin to entertain myself with, since I can't enjoy my booze at th moment and happened to pick up a book called Notes From The Hyena's Belly by Nega Mezlenkia, and wonderin if I should mess with it or not?

Well..... any doubts I had were dispelled when I read this blurb on th back cover by Nurddin Farah; I'm sure yer all familiar with Nurddin Farah, eh! Th blurb said,

"IT IS THE BEST MEMOIR BY AN ETHIOPIAN I'VE EVER READ."

Well, sheeit.... that did it fer me, y'know! I mean....like....Ive read a lot of memoirs by a lot of Ethiopian writers, but with that kind of recommendation, from some one like Nurddin Farah...sheeit, well, I couldn't pass it up, y'dig! So I'm lookin forward to a good read.

th cap'm

P.S. I'm not complainin or anything, cuz I haven't even started it yet, but frankly, I'd rather do a dozen buds. Don't tell Nega I said that tho.


Subject: Caroline Kennedy to Seek Clinton's Senate Seat
Date:
Monday, December 15, 2008 3:40 PM

Breaking News Alert The New York Times
Monday, December 15, 2008 -- 1:40 PM ET

''Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of an American political dynasty, has decided she will pursue the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.''

A person told of her decision said Monday,

-----------

''Well, isn't that just swell?! Sheeit. I know, I know, she's a Kennedy, but besides that, what th fuck are her qualifications to be a Senator?

I mean, I don't have nothin against th gurl, y'unnerstan. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice person and treats stray animals kindly and all, but still.......?

And then we sit around and wonder why those peoples we elect don't seem to have a clue as to what they're doin?''

-----------

I agree with that person, who ever they are? He sounds pretty smart to me. Fuck a bunch of Dynasties! We let these Kennedys and Clintons and Bushes and all their aunts and uncles and cousins and brothers, et al, run our country. Why?

Hey, I got a prediction for ya, check this, Chelsea, ya know th one I mean; she's gonna run fer th Senate too. And sooner than ya think.

Why? Cus she's a fuckin Clinton! What more do ya need? Jus remember, ya heard it here first, from th Seer hisself!

th cap'm


Subject: Woe Is Me! I Am Serously Unterhopft
Date:
Saturday, December 13, 2008 3:31 AM

Yep, I have been here at th crib four nites in a row now, consecutively, one after another. I haven't been out since Monday nite and I'm unterhopft.

'Unterhopft". Kool word huh? Betcha don't know what it means tho, do ya? I've been waitin fer jus such an opportunity as this to use it. You can use it too, if ya wanna! It's a German slang word, basically made up by th youth there. It means literally, ''under hopped''.

Translation, ''I need a beer."

How's bout you boyz n gurlz, ya bever been unterhopft too?

Der Cap'm


Subject: <no subject>
Date:
Saturday, December 13, 2008 3:03 AM

''THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD''

Yet, 40 millions of us, myself included, have have no health care.

We have 700 billion dollars to bail out Wall Street types where entry level jobs pay 150 K a year and who wear 1,500 dollar suits, and get a manicure on their two hour lunch breaks, but no money for peoples with dirty hands wearing jeans who work on the assembly line. And if they have to relieve themselves, will just have to hold it until their15-minute break.

Do you see anything wrong with this picture folks? Yeah me too; hmmmmm.... it looks like something's seriously wrong with the perspective, doesn't it?

charley

P.S. Back in 2000, I took a little trip to Costa Rica, which as you know, is a third world country. The Costa Rican Citizen, wearing only rags, can go into any hospital in the country, and no one will ask them for their health insurance card. The poorest kid in the country, if his grades are good, wearing rags, can go to college for free. A third world country. Hmmmm.


Subject: A Message For Aqua-Fina Bottled Water Fans
Date:
Thursday, December 11, 2008 9:03 PM

If ya like this bottled water product and don't mind payin a $1.25 @ quart, or what ever it is, ya might be gratified to find out that I read in yesterday's paper, where th Pepsi-Cola Co, th owner's of Aqua-Fina, had a lawsuit against them DISMISSED, jus becuz they didn't disclose to their customers; that would be fookin Morons like YOU, that it is tap water!

th cap'm

P. S. Keep on gluggin! Hey, ya know what? mebbe if ya bought in quantity, they would give ya a price break?


Subject: Guys Eyes Only! OK! No Gurls Allowed
Date:
Thursday, December 11, 2008 1:25 AM

''Lost Tools Complicate Space Station Repair Mission''

A few weeks ago, It was with some amusement and vindication also, that I saw this headline on my home page. Cus heck, I lose stuff alla time, and I wonder,

''What in th world is th matter with me? I mean, do other peoples lose things every day like I do? Am I th only jerk around spendin half my time lookin fer lost things? Sheeit, I keep St. Anthony bouncin around full-time all by my own self.''

So, when I thought of th peoples goin around th space station askin,

''Hey yo, anybody know where my screwdriver is? It was right here jus a few minutes ago!"

it made me feel better, cus if they can mis-place tools there in th space station, then I don't feel so bad lookin around th crib fer my TeeVee, or cofee table, or whatever might be missin, y'know what I mean?!

But then, I went on and read th article itself, and discovered they didn't lose th tools, in th sense they didn't know where they were, but rather, they carelessly 'lost' em, cuz they let em drift off into space, cus ''some one'' didn't follow standard tetherin procedures. Whooo boy, thas what ya call a reel fuck-up, cus, ya can't xactly go to th nearest Home Depot and pick up some more, ys dig!? And I'll bet those tools were plenty expensive too. Not th kinda thing ya might see on a late nite info-mercial fer $29.95.

OK now dudes, and I don't want ya readin too much in this, aw'right, but th person who lost th tools was a GURL! Ooops! Oh yeah, sure, it coulda happened to anybody.... but....well, as it turns out; it was, "th Gurl on board" who lost em. Let em jus drift off into space, while she was checkin her make-up, I spose. And I'm sure it wasn't her fault, but, like, I hope she's havin a swell time up there foolin around and havin fun and stuff, cuz I suspect this is gonna be her last mission. See, th guys at NASA don't take kindly to it when ya lose their fookin tools in outer space! It's jus not done, y'dig, cus It's one fuck of a lotta trouble havin to go back and get some more, y'know what I mean!

OK, dudes, again, now listen up; this unfortunate incident coulda happened to any body, so ya can't hold th entire gurl population at fault. Aw'right, so keep this in mind jus in case Muffy, who lives up-stairs, should come knockin on yer door, askin if she can borrow yer tool kit to replace a light bulb or somthin.

Course, on th other hand, if ya value yer tools, and who amongst us doesn't; mebbe ya oughta tell her ya lost em at th laundro-mat when you were washin yer dishes. And jus to re-assure her, cuz ya'know after this latest foul-up, gurls are gonna be sufferin a kinda Mass Guilt, and so are liable to be sensitive to any perceived notion that they can't be trusted with yer tools, ya might re-assure her,

''And heck Muff, looky here, if they was th last tool kit on earth, I wouldn't have no problema lettin ya borrow em, reely! But shoot, they prolly shrunk and are no good now anyway.''

What's a little white lie? No need to hurt her feelins unnecessarily, eh?!

th cap'm

P.S. What? Me misogynist? Say it ain't so Joe!


Subject: Merry Christmas!
Date:
Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:17 AM

Santa came to my crib early this year and left me a present. But he didn't put it in my stocking on th mantle, but instead th fat fucker left me a rock in my kidney. Thanks Santa, yer swell. Sheeit, I'd rather had another pair of white socks!

All I can say is; I got in touch with Vito and Guido both, and I gotta apologize to all th rest of th kids on th end of his his route, cus he's gonna be a no-show! And he ain't gonna make it next year either!! Nobody gonna be singin anymore,

''Here comes Santa Clause.. here come Santa Clause...right down Santa Clause lane.''

th cap'm

P.S. As they say, ''Santa sleeps with th fishes!''


Subject: ''Smootie'', A Word For All Seasons. Go Ahead. Try It!
Date:
Wednesday, December 10, 2008 1:35 PM

This past weekend, a buddy of mine, told me this story. It was relayed to him by a mutual friend, allegedly one of th participants, who is a Public Defender. He says th story is true. I dunno fer sure, cuz, like, I wasn't there.

But it went down like this: it seems his friend, th Public Defender was representin a man (we'll call Mr. Jones) who was charged with assaulting his gurl friend. Th PD asked his client to explain what happened? Mr. Jones said,

"Well, we wuz arguin and carryin on and she wuz callin me names and stuff and finally she made me so mad, so I hit her wit a 'smootie'."

and this statement threw everybody off a bit. Th Prosecutor and th PD and th Judge all looked quizzically at him, not knowin how to react and finally, th Judge said,

"Mr. Jones, I'm not familiar with that term. What do you mean, "You hit her with a smootie?"

and Mr. Jones kinda stammered and said,

"Well....um....ya know yer honor, um..... like when ya got a wrinkle in yer clothes, y'know, ya use a 'smootie' to get rid of em."

and there was a silent pause and th Judge said, "Mr. Jones, do you mean you hit her with an iron?"

and Mr. jones lit up and said,

"Yeah, thas it yer honor.... it was an iron!!"

and th Judge immediately called for a recess and asked to see th Prosecutor and th PD in his chambers, and as soon as th door was shut behind them, they all cracked up and were rollin around in their chairs. They couldn't stop. Every now and then there would be a lull for em to catch their breath and one of em would say,

"So I hit her wit a smootie.''

and they would all start all over again. Course I'm sure th victim wouldn't have found it all that amusin, but........they did, cuz in th legal system, ya take yer humor where ever ya can get it.

Well, anyway, like I said, I don't know whether th story is true or not..... cuz my buddy is kinda like myself sometimes; in that ya don't know fer sure whether he's 'smokin' ya, or not.

But accordin to him, now it seems th word, "smootie" is bein bandied about th Courthouse in contexts that have nothin to do with irons. It's jus one of those words that have a funny sound to em and they take on a life of their own. I'm sure you can think of creative ways to use “smootie” in a sentence, can't ya boyz and gurls?

th capt.

P.S. ''Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a smootie''


Subject: It's Not Easy Writing A Book
Date:
Tuesday, December 9, 2008 2:24 PM

Some time back I was tellin a friend of mine about takin out my garbage and she said,

''Gee cap'm, you ought to write a book.''

And when she said that, that got me to thinkin;

''I wonder if there are any new 99 cent specials at McDonald's?"

But then I thought,

''Well, if it's jus th same ol same-o, mebbe I ought to jus write a book instead.''

So, thas what I'm doin. I am in th process of writin a book, and I'll tell ya, it's not as easy as it sounds, but I'm goin forward any way. Th Name of my Book is,
"The Life and Lore of th Morningbreasted Sunfinch, It's Triumphs, It's Failures, It's Annual Migration; Complete with The Tragedies of Those, Who Succumbed and Didn't Survive The Journey; Those Who Were Victims of the Hawks, and Other Predators, Like The Feared Felines, And Especially The Young Bloodthirsty Youths With Their Daisy Repeaters."

My editor wants me to work on th title, but what does he know? Fuckin suits, eh!

Yep, I've been at it fer a while now and altho progress has been good, I've kinda hit a brick wall here. Th thing is, I could use yer help jus a little bit. I'm doin some background research and could use some objective input. All I need is yer qualitative answer to jus one single question, if ya got th time? And th question is about gratitude.

And jus so ya know, I am usin the Symthe-Wordsworthy Appreciation Scale which is universally accepted as The Authority in this field. As ya know, I'm sure, but jus to refresh ya, on this scale, one's level of Appreciation is measured in unit's from 0 to 10. With 10 bein th, ''Oh Gosh! Gee Whiz! Thanks ever so much!' Yer Swell!'

And of course, on th other end of th spectrum, 0 bein,

''Thanks? What? Are ya shittin me? Yeah sure, lemme lift my laig so I can piss on ya!''

OK, so here we go;

''On a scale of 1 to 10, and remember, with 10 bein th most and 0 bein th least, th question is:

''How much Thanks Do you think the Indian Gives on Thanks-Giving Day?"

And fer those of ya who are willin to respond, I want ya to know that I will acknowledge yer assistance in my list of contributors. Of course, there will be so many I couldn't possibly acknowledge you individually by name, but when ya see th Phrase,

''And my thanks to You for your help.''

See, that capitalized ''Y'' there, is th Universal YOU, th Royal YOU. Th You that is us all!!

But, mainly th you that is YOU! Dig!?

So, in advance, Thank You!

th cap'm

P.S. And speakin of our Indian brothers, after th way we have treated our ''Native Americans'' since we first arrived and ''discovered'' them, (see, before we ''discovered'' em, they didn't even know they ''was'') and stole their lands, and destroyed their Culture and their Way of Life, teachin em th joys of potato farming, killin em with our diseases and alcohol and imprisoning em in near-concentration camps we call, ''reservations'', I think it's only Karmically apropos that they should now have Casinos today to steal th White-Eyes blind. Y'know, a small measure of payback fer those who spoke with th fork-ed tongues! And
while yer dealer is smilin and commiseratin with ya sayin,

"Gosh Darn, you're having a bad night aren't you fella? Better luck next hand."

What he's reely thinkin is,

"Fuck Squanto and Tonto. Thas fer th 'Trail of Tears' mutherfucker. And thas fer Wounded Knee! And thas fer Tecumseh, and Chief Joseph and Gall, Black Kettle and Sitting Bull, and Crazy Horse and Spotted Elk and Red Cloud, Cochise, Geronimo and especially, Runs With Feets, and all th rest. Put yer money down. Sucker!"


Subject: Sunday, December 7th, 1941.
Date:
Sunday, December 7, 2008 10:10 PM

This was one of those days, like Friday, November 22nd, 1963, or July 20th, 1969 fr'instance, when peoples will always remember what they were doin when they first heard th news.

I remember it jus like it was 67 years ago. As I recall, I'd had a sleepless nite. Ya know how it is, some times ya jus can't get to sleep. I tossed and turned all nite, but sleep jus eluded me. I remember, how finally, I had dozed off, when th damned radio woke me up. I thought to myself,

''Hey yo, how's bout turnin that damned thing down a bit huh? It's Sunday morning after all and some of us already been up half th nite. Geeze Louise, gimme a break here huh?!''

But then I recognized FDR's voice and he said,

"December 7th, 1941, A day which will live in Infamy."

And I became instantly alert. I knew th Jap ambassadors had been in negotiations in Washington, tryin to assuage us that they didn't want War with us. And yet. here was FDR tellin us th sneaky bastards had attacked our major naval base in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, with heavy losses and pretty much destroyin our fleet.

Damn, I felt betrayed. I wanted revenge. I hoped this ensuing war would last long enuff fer me to get my licks in. I wanted to kick some Japanese butt too jus like every one else. But I knew I was too young and they wouldn't take me yet, cuz I was still shittin in my diapers at th time. Well, sheeit, I was jus three weeks old y'dig, and hadn't quite got th hang of things yet.

And then, by th time I made corporal at Mount Sacred Heart Military School in San Antonio, th war had already been over fer six months. A good thing fer those Jap dudes too, cuz I ran th toughest platoon there in th 1st grade.

It's a good thing we whipped their asses too, cus otherwise, stop and think what th world would be like today? Sheeit, we'd all be drivin Jap cars and watchin Jap TV's and stuff.

I jus hope those Japs and those Kraut bastards learned their lesson well and won't be fuckin with TH UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! Cus, boy would they be sorry, eh!

th cap'm


Subject: RE: Th Floating Eichelberger
Date:
Sunday, December 7, 2008 4:05 PM

Actually this whole project with th D-Rock was conceived as a test really. Th Amusement Factor was jus an unexpected, but pleasant by-product. After studyin th results, all we gotta do now is; figure out how many pens would equal th weight of one Eichelberger in a reclining chair? So we would then know how many balloons would be needed for this upcomin, (upcomin, get it? thas a clue, Ha ha) but secret for now, spectacular charity event, which is schezhuled fer some time in th comin future. So, pleeeze, don't ax me no questions bout it, OK, and I won' need to tell ya no lies. On th other hand, if ya threaten to pull my fingernails out; I'll tell ya anything ya wanna know, OK bro?!

And by th way, if ya happen to see th D-Rock in a recliner attached to hundreds of balloons, floatin over th city, it's not an alien space craft, OK; so don't panic! it's jus a floating Eichelberger!

So....there's no need to call out th National Guard; besides, I think they're busy at th moment promoting Freedom and Democracy in places that have no idea what th fuck those concepts even means, but if in th comin decades, they ever do figure out what they mean, they will have a much better understanding of why it was necessary fer us to drop cluster bombs on their heads, and schools and hospitals, and they will be glad to try and put their countries back together again and mebbe they can even get some electricity and water and stuff like that workin again. Oh sure, it's too bad a couple hundred thousand of em were, ''collaterally damaged'', He he, but what th heck, Democracy is not a ''30% Off Sale'' item, y'know. There is a price to be paid, cus Nothin's free. You know that!!

And speakin of non-Mexican Alien Beings, I've had a fantasy over th last eight years of bein approached by one of these critters, askin me to take im to our Leader. Tryin to stifle my guffaws and giggles I would point em towards Washington, DC. I'm thinkin after about 15 minutes with Georgie Porgie, these dudes couldn't get back to th Mother Ship fast enuff, and then th insults and accusations would start flyin,

"Zork, yer th one that said these were semi-intelligent beings."

''Yeah, Dork, but yer th one who said it was a habitable planet, with a nice atmosphere and clean waters. Who would wanna go swimmin at one of those foul beaches?''

"But yer th one who said Lehman Bros. was th way to go. And ya said we couldn't go wrong with th auto industry too.''

"Aw'right, OK, enuff of th Blame Game. Let's face it; we fucked up! Hmmmm, mebbe we oughta take that Sarah Palin creature with us back to th Galactic Council as a typical example of what we were dealin with? Oh what th fuck Spock, never mind. Gimme Warp Drive and let's jus get th fuck outta here right pronto! Make it so."


Subject: Forthcoming Charity Event
Date:
Sunday, December 7, 2008 4:00 PM

Tuesday nite, there in th saloon, there was a forerunner to,

''The Totally Floating Eichleberger Charity Event",

which I'm sorry to say, I can't elaborate on at th moment, but I can clarify one possible question ya might have; an Eichleberger is not some kind of hamburger patty, OK?!

So, like, here's what went down. A number of blue helium filled balloons sayin,
"It's a boy." were scattered about th joint, in celebration of Ms Sara's (th barmaid) brand new baby boy, by name of Ledger William, but who I jus refer to as, ''Ledger Bill". But, one of th balloons had had a pen, tied by a thin yellow ribbon attached to it's bottom, so th pen dangled beneath it a couple of feet. Ya with me?

Th tip of th pen was jus barely restin on top of th bar, but, it wasn't goin anywhere. Sheeit. It was supposed to float, ya dig? So we kept cuttin off bits of th ribbon, lightenin th load, until finally, jus barely, th balloon began to rise ever so gently.

''Houston, we have lift off!''

and a loud cheer went up among th crowds! So, fer th next couple hours, we watched with much glee and amusement as th balloon with th pen danglin beneath, drifted about th bar, risin when it caught an up-draft, but other times comin to rest again some place. Oh, it was fun! Obviously simple, un-sophisticated minds are easily amused, eh. I myself found th whole affair on a par with th Ice Capades; thas how good it was.

And this was reely excitin, but sometimes, when it got near a heatin vent, it was sent bouncin and skiddin across th ceiling, and th crowd collectively went, ''Ooooooh!'' and ''Aaaaaah'', y'know, stuff like that. And then, when some one needed a pen to sign their credit card receipt, th balloon was sent gently driftin off in their direction.

I remember one particularly amusin moment, jus like it was yesterday; (altho it was Tuesday in fact) when th pen had come to rest, with it's tip touchin th bar, and remained there upright, but motionless. After a short time, it lifted jus so slightly, and we all watched with great interests as it started slowly driftin down th bar, liftin bit by bit towards a dude who was sittin there at th end, who was reely outta it, blankly starin off into space, and I saw it was movin in his direction, and it was at eye level now, and I hipped others to th unfoldin drama, ''Check this out!'' and so we watched it with great expectations, as it got nearer and nearer to im, waitin fer im to see it, but there was no reaction from im at all..... until it got right directly in front of his face, and suddenly, he blurted out,

''WHAT TH FUCK!!"

and started thrashin his arms, flailin away, and leaped outta his stool, thinkin he had a giant tarantula or somethin danglin in front of his face, and oh Mercy, there was a lotta back-slappin and guffawin goin on in th peanut gallery. Oh ese, I'm tellin ya, it was jus a barrel of laffs! All in all, a fun time was had by everyone.

This is a good example of why one should make an appearance at th saloon every single evening, cus those who were absent that nite, missed it all!!

So then, th followin nite when I went in and sat down, before I even had a chance to order my brew, "th D-Rock" told me they had had a burglary about an hour after we left th joint th previous nite. We had hung around after hours and th burglar alarm had gone off around 5 AM, mebbe only a half hour after we left.

'No jive!?" I exclaimed, ''Did they get anything?''

''Nah!" D-Rock said, ''And the good thing was; th Po-lice apprehended th suspect too!''

''Cool! Was he by hisself?"

''Yeah'', he said, ''th perp was described as a Blue Balloon with a black pen danglin from th bottom of it!! har har''

Yeah, evidently see, th floatin balloon with it's cargo attached had set off th motion detectors. haha Can ya dig it!!

OK. So, boyz n gurlz, th next time ya get bored, and if ya happen to be one of those characterized as a mite ''slow'', get ya a helium filled balloon, attach somethin to it, and jus have more fun than a barrel of meenkeys watchin it float around. But remember kids, be sure and turn off th motion detectors first!

th cap'm


Subject: Th Adventures Of Mark & Gloria
Date:
Sunday, December 7, 2008 1:43 PM

We here in Cowtown have been very fortunate th last 18 months. There are a lot of other major cities in this country whose Mayors have not provided their citizens any where near th levels of Amusement and Entertainment our current Mayors have given us. They say,

''Gee, why can't we have some fun mayors like Kansas City?''

His name is Funkhouser. Her name is Squitero. Mark & Gloria, as it were. She calls im 'Funk'. Isn't that cute? ''Funk this..'' ''Funk that...'' ''Funk sez....'' It's all very Funky, no?! Jus a little nick-name to personalize im, y'know, make im seem more Human, instead of th knuckle-draggin Neanderthal he appears to be. It's kinda like in that New York City place, y'know th one, where they call their Mayor, ''Bloomy''. Same thing.

Our mayor, mebbe 180 lbs of shit on a stick. A six-foot, eight inch gangly, awkward Ichabod Crane frame, with a small defective brain attached. Extra large head with reely long, narrow face, deep set eyes, black bushy eye brows, large hook nose, and scraggly salt n pepper goatee, which only accentuates th narrowness and longitude of th face. He looks like th poster boy of WW ll Nazi propaganda depiction of a Jew, altho, he's a real person; not a jus caricature. But, th fact is; he's a genuinely ugly mo-fo, altho in all fairness to other ugly peoples; his ugliness should in no way prevent him from performin his duties as Mayor. Jus bein ugly does not mean that he is unable to do his J-O-B. I think thas jus a result of his bein an arrogant, childish, stubborn, clueless, spoiled-brat Stupid Person! And besides those traits, there are certainly other factors involved; one major factor bein his Cave-Mate, fr'instance, but those personal characteristics don't help im any.

His partner, th Gloria, jus th opposite in many ways; a short, squat, snot runnin, drool drippin, ugly fat broad, tho certainly his equal in th Stupidity Realm. She gives im counsel. As a matter of fact, accordin to HizzHonor, he simply cannot function without her sage advice. He sez she is vital to his runnin of our city and th job is simply too much fer him to handle solo. This may be a clue to ya why our city is soo fucked up. He further tells us that she is th Love of his Life and everything he has, he owes to her. Once again, isn't that sweet? Oh gosh, they jus make th cutest couple! They have a kinda Mutt & Jeff quality bout em.

But, her experience as a mayor of a large city is questionable tho, cus her prior experience in Public Service consisted of bein married to a City Auditor. And thas it! Period. And in that capacity, she had allowed him to operate without her at his side constantly. Jus how he was able to pull that off, all by himself, is any body's guess. I guess mebbe her skill with numbers is not as good as her ''peoples skills''.

Evidently, durin his time as City Auditor, Mr. Funkhouser (Funk) had some unnamed person, other than Ms Gloria, holdin his wee-wee while he took care of personal bidness. Yep. I understand there's a lotta amusing speculation down there at City Hall, as to who that "mystery holder" was?

So, these are our Mayors boyz n gurlz! Altho we thought we had only elected one of em, Him that is, we discovered after it was too late, that it was a package deal and we got em both! Double th shit, in other words!!

OK so, eat yer hearts out other cities of America, cuz you guys are gonna have to search far and wide to match our Funk and his missus. They belong to Cowtown! And we deserve em too!!!

th cap'm


Subject: Savings & Guns
Date:
Sunday, December 7, 2008 1:22 PM

A friend recently asked me to comment on an e-mail she had received, quoting something on th internet, concernin Obama's "purported" plan to gut 401ks, and his purported intention to take away people's guns. My reply.

*************

Well actually, I'm not really sure what Obama's position on guns is? I dunno. But personally, it would be perfectly fine with me tho if he decided to round em all up and make paper clips out of them. Or, another possibility; they could jus strap ten guns apiece on all those pesky illegal immigrants, and send th entire package back home, that way killin two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Th apparent fascination/obsession with guns Americans have, never fails to amaze and confuse me!? I mean, some folks seem to think God himself came down from Heaven and got His Hammer and Chisel out and proceeded to grind into stone,

''Let them have guns! That is how ye shall know them! Beware the Dark Ones who would deny them the Means to slay the birds of the Air, the Creatures of the Ground, and their fellow Man!"

I guess it must be our Cowboy Heritage huh? We jus can't let go of our ''Old West'' mentality and th myths that go with it, even tho those days are more than a hundred years in th past. Old traditions die hard, eh? I spose it's kinda like, how over in England, France and Germany, y'know, over there in Europe, their citizens there still cling to their rights to wear suits of armor, and walk about brandishin their large double-bladed swords and their battle-axes, and are constantly challengin others on th bus to duels, by slappin th offender across th face with a heavy-metal glove. OUCH!

''Sir, meet me on the Field of Honor after mid-morning tea!''

Like, th citizens of other Industrial, Civilized countries don't feel it's necessary to walk about, armed to th teeth with automatic weapons usin armor piercing bullets! They don't feel like they have some kind of inherent right, or need even, to carry a grenade launcher when they go grocery shoppin. They seem to think that they can get thru their lives, without such ''personal protection''.

So, what's th big deal with us? Every year we kill 12-14,000 of our fellow citizens with our guns, often fer no apparent reason. Oh sure, I can see goin fer yer "piece" in th event ya have a confrontation, like, say, with a bicyclist with an attitude maybe..... but still, there are other ways of settlin stuff like that. I mean, you got yer Hummer, he's got his ten-speed. My money's on you Duke!

But frankly, I don't remember any of th candidates (maybe Huckabee) ever makin much more than a passin reference to th gun issue durin th entire campaign. Apparently they decided to concentrate on more important things, like th economy, health care, Iraq/Afghanistan, immigration, and oh yeah, Bill Ayers, ''Spawn of Satan''!

Re: retirement plans, 401K's

Ya see, th same sources ya referred yer friend to, which explains th facts pretty clearly to any but th most obviously retarded fuckin mook, are also available to him or any other like minded fool if they were really lookin for answers? But noo, they're not. Not really! Rather than go to th trouble and check some reliable sources and be Intelligently informed, nah, they'd rather jus regurgitate th same mindless booshit they get from Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly, Savage, Malkin, Ingraham, Coulter and 'fair and balanced'' Fox News, etc.

Thas what constitutes lookin into th issues for them! But hey, ya know what? I listen to those jokers too! Every day. I know where they stand. I know what they think. Know yer enemy. But, then, there are th other ten thousand opinions to consider. y'know, ya read some different newspapers, ya read some magazines, ya read some books, ya watch and listen to other news sources; and then, THEN, ya reach a conclusion!! It does take a little bit of time and effort, but at least you can feel like yer opinion is yer own, and is an informed one!

Over th years, I have discovered it to be a waste of time tryin to use Reason and Rationale, to discuss Anything with brainwashed automatons who have been completely drained of intelligence! Unless of course, ya jus like goin thru th motions of Rhetorical Futility? Y'know, jus fer th fuck of it! And then, too, when mind numbingly bored, it can sometimes be amusin! That is, if ya can find th descent into th Depths of Human Stupidity amusin? Ha ha.

But then, there's a kind of guilt involved; that of th smugness of mental superiority over a mindless fucking dolt. Th same kinda guilt ya feel in th amusement of watchin two mentally retarded folks tryin to play chess. But sheeit, in th end, thas not ever reely very satisfyin either, is it! hell, ya might jus as well go out and scorch some ants with yer magnifying glass

So... I dunno fer sure, but I don't think Obama's comin after yer guns! And as fer th 401ks, whatever has happened to them has already happened. Ya can't hardly blame him fer that can ya, since he's not even in office yet!

And everytime I hear that stupid mutherfucker Sean Hannity refer to ''Obama's Recession", I soften my anti-gun position jus a bit.

th cap'm


Subject: Chutzpah! What Does It Mean?
Date:
Friday, December 5, 2008 8:11 PM

Last nite I was rappin with a homie and his gal pal. I had met her once before. She was very pretty, with long, black silky hair; an olive colored complexion and a sharp, slightly large nose, kinda classically Jewish or possibly Italian? Mediterranean, perhaps? She said she had read my letter in th Star on recently and asked me,

''I was wondering why you used the word ''chuts-pa'' (as she pronounced it) and what's it supposed to mean?''

I answered,

''Well, its a Jewish slang word and it's pronounced like th C is silent, more like, as in ''huetz-pah''. It means, y'know, like, 'to act audaciously, to be brazen bout somthin, to act without regardin traditional thinkin, to get in one's face, to act with 'balls', y'know, somthin along lines like that."

And then she asked in an accusatory kinda tone,

''Are you Jewish then? You don't look Jewish to me!''

she said, as she bored in on me! I told her,

''Nah, I'm not Jewish.''

Then she asked,

''Well then.... WHY did you use a Jewish word, if you're not Jewish yourself?''

Say what? She acted like she had jus caught me in th middle of some kinda moral faux pas. She seemed as tho she was offended that a non-Jewish person should use a Jewish word, y'know, like, th affrontery! Th very "chutzpah" if ya will! Ha ha

As in, ''How dare you use a Jewish word Sir, if you're not actually Jewish yourself! Shame Sir, Shame!''

Well, I was startin to get a bit annoyed at her whole attitude and my patience was wearin thin when I replied,

''Hey look here sweetie, jus cuz I sometimes use th word, ''moi'' doesn't mean I'm French, ya dig! And jus cuz I some times use th phrase, ''Mea Culpa'', that don't mean I'm from Latin America, either. (thanks Mr Quale) Peoples can use foreign phrases without bein, OF that peoples themselves. It's permissible, OK, even in Polite company! Like, jus cus I'm at a cocktail party and I say, ''We doan need no steeenkeeng badges!!'', that don't necessarily mean I'm Mexican! Altho.... I am! And I DON'T need no steenkeeng badge either! But still...... ya unnerstan what I'm sayin Missy?''

She looked at me skeptically, and said in a mockin tone, th sarcas obvious,

''Well", she hrummped, ''you don't look Mexican either! And I don't know about all that other stuff, but I'm in my third year of Graduate Study of Jewish History, and I know a lot about it, and in all that time, I've never heard that word used before!! Not once, Ever!!"

Whoa! This young twat is accusin me of bein a boo-shitter, or worse, a liar. I said,

''Hey yo, looky here, I can see how thas possible, cus like I told ya; it's a Jewish, ''SLANG Word'', remember? So, I can understan how it might not come up in a scholarly study of Jewish History, but it IS a slang word and over many years of common usage, it's become acceptable to bandy about, jus like a lotta other foreign words and phrases. But y'know what Buffy, all booshit aside, I reely don't give a Fuck whether it's acceptable to you or not, when it comes right down to it. OK!? But tell me somthin, how th fuck do ya get through four years of college and then three years of graduate school and have never heard th word
'chutzpah' before? Huh? Sheeit. Gimme a break little gurl. Now, if ya'll will excuse me pleeze, I'm gonna see if there's some dim-wit in this joint with half a fuckin brain so's I can have a half-intelligent conversation!''

And a bit annoyed, I got up and moved away down to th other end of th bar, and my amigo let out a hearty guffaw, and th poor thing; evidently all her schoolin hadn't prepared her on how to deal with a drunken, churlish old fart, cuz she seemed to be at a loss fer words. And I must say, I had a pleasant moment of Schadenfreude. (if thas OK with you German folks)

Ok, boyz n gurlz, if yer one of th other ten peoples who've never heard this word (chutzpah: a Jewish slang word) before either, file it in yer memory banks now, cuz it jus may be on th Finals.

th cap'm


Subject: Th Cap'm And Humpty Dumpty Make A Connection
Date:
Thursday, December 4, 2008 6:36 AM

Last nite, I stepped out on my front porch fer th first time, hadn't been out all day, nine-ish of th evening, gettin ready to go out and have a few cool ones. I noticed some frost about tho and so, I decided to use some caution.

See, my front porch, made of bricks, is four steps from th ground. So, with my left foot, I checked th top of th porch fer possible slippery conditions. I got purchase and realized there was no problema, so with my right foot I stepped down onto Step # 3, and before you could say,

A Wop Bop a Loop Bop, A Wop Bam Boom, I had already been lyin on my back lookin up at th stars. Oooof! I felt sharp severe pains in th back of my head, across my back and excruciating pain in my tailbone.

My first thought was,

''So, this is what it feels like to be shot!"

But, I realized I hadn't heard any gunfire. But then again I remember readin that ya never hear th one that hits ya. True dat. But once again I thought,

''Yeah sure, the clever bastards used a silencer!"

And so, I laid there on th brick steps, fer a few minutes, I dunno how long, moanin and groanin, not knowin if my appendages were all workin; but no one was comin to help me and I was thinkin; sheeit, there are about 7 billions of people on this planet and not a single one of em are gonna come to my aid.

But as I laid there, reviewin my life, tryin to think of who would have a reason to clip me, (clip: see Sopranos) and I was already thru with th A's, I realized that wasn't what happened to me: there wasn't any bloods gushing from me any wheres. Hmmmm. no blood. I wasn't an execution victim after all. What coulda happened then?

Suddenly, th cold realization snuck in. I musta been abducted by Aliens, who beamed me up to their 'mother ship' and altho I can't remember exactly, musta conducted gross and detestable medical tests on me. It was th fuckin ''greys'', I know it was. Those bastards have been usin as as guinea pigs fer a long time. When they were done havin their way with me, they obviously deposited me back on my steps. I thought to myself, ''Whyn't you assholes go home and leave us th fuck alone!''

Finally, after layin there fer prolly half a minute I dunno....who knows eh......cuz sometimes, in bizarre situations, time seems to stands still, y'knowhutahmsayin, cuz like, earlier in th day dude, time was standin still as I was runnin to catch th bus, and jus as I got there, time started up again and th fookin bus pulled off leavin me breathin diesel fumes.

Aw'right, so when I went to finally try and get up I put my hands on th step fer support, and thas when I felt it, no, not blood, but ICE!

Fuckin ice! Yeah see, altho th top step had appeared to be ice free, that led me to th false assumption that th rest of th steps would be like wise. Oh man, it was sweet th way they played me, eh? Th fuckers set me up. My complacency almost did me in. When I fumbled around and finally managed to get mostly perpendicular, I was pissed. I told em as loud as I could; I screamed.

''C'mon, you pussies gotta do better than that! I'm still standin. Godam you mutherfuckers!"

I guess one of my neighbors heard me cuz he opened his door and said,

''Hey Charley, you OK?"

I said,

''Yeah, I'm fine. Have a nice evening and, ''Fuck Off!"!

Well, sheeit, it's hard to ne friendly alla time, y'know what I mean, and th whole thing jus put a negative vibe on th whole evening. I hardly felt like sittin in a tavern. I don't think my tailbone coulda handled it anyway. I went back in th crib, my head with a bemp in th back, my back with a long ugly bruise across where it landed on th edge of the brick stair, and I took a mirror to survey my nether regions, but I lost my nerve at th last second. This was a sight I was unwilling to confront. A sight such as that could scarred me permanently, so I decided that perhaps a re-reading of some Steven King might serve me jus as well.

Dammit, this should have never happened. I vowed about four years after fallin on th curb and scrunchin up my shoulder, turnin it to hamburger meat fer about six months that I would never fall again. And I didn't either.

Well, not outdoors anyway, cuz truth be told, I did take a minor tumble last week one nite, but that was jus due to too much substances causin my various gyroscopic systems to malfunction makin perpendicularity difficult. I mean, sheeit, those kind of minor inconveniences will always occur, jus like th sun will come up tomorrow. Thas jus th natural way of th world. But my vow was concerned with things like snow, ice, winter conditions, y'know crap like that; stuff that one can deal with.

This is a Bad Omen boyz n gurlz, seein as how it's jus barely December, and already This! It's bad enuff that everything else in America, (formerly known as th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD) is fallin on it's ass, but does that mean I gotta too!?

th cap'm


Subject: Return Of Th F & S Horror Show: Part 32
Date:
Monday, December 1, 2008 4:30 PM

One of my ''Texas connections'' (Tommy th D) informed me earlier that our own KC mayors, Funkhouser and Squitiro, appeared on GMA this morning. Puttin on my thinkin cap, I was able to deduce that this was an acronym fer Good Morning America.

As I understand it; this is an early mornin TeeVee show whose audience consists mostly of lazy, trailer trash womens, lyin about stuffin themselves with bon-bons, smokin ditch-weed, and swillin MD 20/20 all morning, who would rather lay about in a stupor and mindlessly watch th TeeVee rather than do th dishes or mend socks like they're supposed to.

This also makes me suspicious what my partner was doin watchin this kinda stuff, but hey, it's none of my bidness, right? In his defense, he was prolly smokin some reely good thai weed and doin a tumbler of Maker's Mark and he never was much of one fer bon-bons, or th like. Thas th difference; so, we gonna give im a pass on this one.

But what th heck, who am I to cast th first stone, eh? Cuz as I lay here, zoned out, knocked out on Valiums, pain killers, oxycontin, PBR's, and a splash of toot, dishes piled up, numerous holes in my own socks, surrounded by clutter and detritus, I'm not th kind of nit-picker to point out those sort of shortcomings in others. Live and let die, I say.

But anyways, I wish I coulda seen th dog and pony show those two side-show freaks put on. There's nothin like purgin th system early in th morn to get th day off to a good start, eh! I'll bet she spent most of th time pickin th lice outta his head and beard. 'Groomin him', she would say. He counts on her assistance. He can't function without her. She is th Love of his Life. Everything he has, he owes to her. So why not let her run th city with him. So what if she's dumber than owl-shit and doesn't know squat about bein a mayor. Sheeit, he doesn't either.

So....there!!

th cap'm

P.S. So boyz n gurlz, while yer snickerin and snortin derisively, lemme ax ya this; did yer mayors make an appearance on Good Morning America today, like ours did? I din't think so!


Subject: Another Thanksgiving Tragedy! Where Will it End?
Date:
Saturday, November 29, 2008 8:23 PM

I was jus informed about yet another senseless death due to this Holiday. How many must die before some one finally sez, Basta! Basta!

Evidently some where down in Texas, (not much surprise there, eh) a young gurl was trampled to death on th opening of th doors Friday morning for th fabled after-Thanksgiving Sale. I'd say it was time fer th Authorities, like, Homeland Security fr'instance, to step in and formulate some kind of regulations, to help insure th safety of th American Consumer.

Maybe in th future, to prevent such a tragedy from happenin again, before th store opens, they should make all th gurls take some kind of heavy downers, like oxycontin or demerol fr'instance, to slow em down a bit, cuz it appears th crack pipe is havin jus th opposite effect.

We all know how dangerous a herd of wild, young gurls in a state of frenzy can get when they stampede; not even brick walls could keep em from a 20 % off bargain. There is no shelter that can deter em from their pursuit of discounts. Chuck wagons and log obstacles splinter like so many toothpicks under their assault. Th weak, losin their balance, are treaded underneath and turned to mush. No matter tho, cus there's savins to be made fer th willin. This ain't no place fer pussies, y'dig. Only th strongest grab th brass ring.

And it happens every year. For th love of god, can't something be done? Who is to blame? Society?! I dunno, maybe the fault lies in the Educational System. Maybe th young gurls should be given rudimentary shopping etiquette lessons starting in first grade, so by th time they've become degenerate shoppers by age 9, they will at least have some basics of th do's and don'ts of shopping manners. Death just seems too high a price to pay fer inexperience.

Like, it's not nice to trample other shoppers, even tho they are obviously headed fer th same outfit you got yer own heart set on. But sheeit, what ya gonna do? And of course, along with government programs, self-help groups, their parents should get involved and set a good example for em too. This is after all, a society-wide issue.

I dunno what th answer is? Mebbe a draconian law preventin more than two of these critters gettin together should be enacted. We know, that, singly, or even in pairs, they can be friendly, charming, and even mate-able. But beware of gettin caught alone in th middle of a gaggle of em, cuz th slightest mis-step, th most innocuous remark, a gaze held fer th briefest moment too long, and th fingernails become un-sheathed, th fangs are bared, th hairs on th back of th neck stand up, th nostrils flare, th ears fold back, and th rendin of flesh and limbs is about to ensue. In South America these ghastly remains are often attributed to th Chupacabra. Horse puckey! Th astute social scientist will be able to detect th satiated blood lust in th females hangin around fer one last glance. Th constant and almost imperceptible licking of th lips, th memory of th kill still there in th eyes, th longin to repeat, barely concealed. Thas when ya say,

''Well gee, it's sure been fun visitin with ya'll, but I'm thinkin mebbe it's time fer me to mosey. Here, take this silver bullet as a gift from me''

And thas when ya put th spurs to Silver sayin,

''Hey Yo Silver! Let's get th fuck outta here right pronto. eh!'' and ya dig yer spurs in and egress th hell outta there in a cloud of dust.

th cap'm

P.S. So, th next time ya see a sign sayin, ''SALE", I guess I don't gotta tell ya what th prudent thing to do is, right?!


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