joe dreck
November 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, blames the slow posting on this blog
to the high-tech dick at headquarters who probably rides a bicycle to work.
Email
capt_duderino@webtv.net.

Subject: Another Thanksgiving Tragedy! Where Will it End?
Date:
Saturday, November 29, 2008 8:23 PM

I was jus informed about yet another senseless death due to this Holiday. How many must die before some one finally sez, Basta! Basta!

Evidently some where down in Texas, (not much surprise there, eh) a young gurl was trampled to death on th opening of th doors Friday morning for th fabled after-Thanksgiving Sale. I'd say it was time fer th Authorities, like, Homeland Security fr'instance, to step in and formulate some kind of regulations, to help insure th safety of th American Consumer.

Maybe in th future, to prevent such a tragedy from happenin again, before th store opens, they should make all th gurls take some kind of heavy downers, like oxycontin or demerol fr'instance, to slow em down a bit, cuz it appears th crack pipe is havin jus th opposite effect.

We all know how dangerous a herd of wild, young gurls in a state of frenzy can get when they stampede; not even brick walls could keep em from a 20 % off bargain. There is no shelter that can deter em from their pursuit of discounts. Chuck wagons and log obstacles splinter like so many toothpicks under their assault. Th weak, losin their balance, are treaded underneath and turned to mush. No matter tho, cus there's savins to be made fer th willin. This ain't no place fer pussies, y'dig. Only th strongest grab th brass ring.

And it happens every year. For th love of god, can't something be done? Who is to blame? Society?! I dunno, maybe the fault lies in the Educational System. Maybe th young gurls should be given rudimentary shopping etiquette lessons starting in first grade, so by th time they've become degenerate shoppers by age 9, they will at least have some basics of th do's and don'ts of shopping manners. Death just seems too high a price to pay fer inexperience.

Like, it's not nice to trample other shoppers, even tho they are obviously headed fer th same outfit you got yer own heart set on. But sheeit, what ya gonna do? And of course, along with government programs, self-help groups, their parents should get involved and set a good example for em too. This is after all, a society-wide issue.

I dunno what th answer is? Mebbe a draconian law preventin more than two of these critters gettin together should be enacted. We know, that, singly, or even in pairs, they can be friendly, charming, and even mate-able. But beware of gettin caught alone in th middle of a gaggle of em, cuz th slightest mis-step, th most innocuous remark, a gaze held fer th briefest moment too long, and th fingernails become un-sheathed, th fangs are bared, th hairs on th back of th neck stand up, th nostrils flare, th ears fold back, and th rendin of flesh and limbs is about to ensue. In South America these ghastly remains are often attributed to th Chupacabra. Horse puckey! Th astute social scientist will be able to detect th satiated blood lust in th females hangin around fer one last glance. Th constant and almost imperceptible licking of th lips, th memory of th kill still there in th eyes, th longin to repeat, barely concealed. Thas when ya say,

''Well gee, it's sure been fun visitin with ya'll, but I'm thinkin mebbe it's time fer me to mosey. Here, take this silver bullet as a gift from me''

And thas when ya put th spurs to Silver sayin,

''Hey Yo Silver! Let's get th fuck outta here right pronto. eh!'' and ya dig yer spurs in and egress th hell outta there in a cloud of dust.

th cap'm

P.S. So, th next time ya see a sign sayin, ''SALE", I guess I don't gotta tell ya what th prudent thing to do is, right?!


Subject: Christmas vs Thanksgiving
Date:
Friday, November 28, 2008 4:57 PM

Fer th last couple of weeks now, I've been listening to Xmas music and carols. Then I've also been listenin to stuff about Thanksgiving. It's fookin confusin, y'know what I mean. Why don't they make up their fuckin minds. I mean, we only have one President at a time, right? So, how come we got two holidays at a time?

I'm wonderin whose bright idea it was to stick this Thanksgiving Holiday right in th middle of th Christmas season? Yeah, I know; it's those jerks from th turkey side of th aisle. Would it be too much to postpone th so-called Thanksgiving event til after Christmas, so we'd know just how thankful we must pretend to be?

I mean, after all, is another set of athletic socks gonna send us swooning?

''Oh gee, looky here. Another pair of white socks. Wow! Thas jus what I've been waitin fer, since th ones I got last year are kinda grey and funky now. Now how did ya know that? Gosh! Yer swell!''

Heck, there's a month and a half between Christmas and Valentine's day. Why couldn't they stick Thanksgiving in there? Or, better yet, jus combine th two. Valentine cards accompanied by clever, smarmy Hallmark's poems with lyrics declarin Eternal Love of Beets and Chocolates. They could have swarms of cute little Cupids surroudin a defensless turkey, sendin multitudes of arrows thru his heart makin im bleed all over th page.

So, if yer wonderin who th grinch was who stole Christmas; it was that fuckin turkey w/th trimmins, thas who!

th cap'm, Guardian Of Th Christmas Spirit.

P.S. A couple holiday shoppin tips from th cap'm. If ya like hot spicy fast food chicken, then go to Church's. It doesn't get any spicier.
And if ya would like some custom, low-profile wheels put on ur ride, go to Autowerks, 2018 W. 43rd, KCK or visit em at autowerks@kc.rr.com
They will be glad to scam you with a smile, and overcharge ya up th ass while doin so. And if ya jus like bein taken fer a ride, jus tell em th cap'm recommended em and you'll be guaranteed an extra special reamin.


Subject: It's A Good Day Not To Be Dead
Date:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 2:55 PM

I read this headline on my home page, but follow up and read th ensuing article.
"Back from the dead: 3 happy to be alive.''

Well, big fuckin deal. Is this headline worthy material? I mean, like, aren't most of us happy to be alive after bein dead?!! Ask Lazarus, fr'instance. After all, bein dead is a drag. It's Boring! Just lying around, not movin, can't even brush th flies away, jus bein dead alla time. Can't even watch no wrasslin or even play checkers or nothin.

Where's th kick in that? Oh sure, I know, there are some peoples who'd rather go dead, than live: I got no problema with that. But, they don't know what they're missin, do they?

Especially round this time of th year when we give thanks fer our cardboard shelters and stuff. Cuz see, lotsa peoples in th world don't have cardboard boxes to live in, y'dig! And they don't have dumpsters either to pick up a snack.

Ok, so tomorrow bein Thanksgiving (y'know, like thanks fer bein alive: see above) and all, and unable to afford a turkey this year, I have set out some traps to catch these fookin pigeons who have chosen my crib to hang out at, and whose coo-cooin alla time, disrupts my sleepin, and now it's payback time. Not gonna be a very good Thanksgiving fer them, I'll bet!

Any ideas on how to properly prepare a pigeon?

th cap'm

Subject: A Hit Record. Followed by World Domination, Stalled Fer Th Moment
Date:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 8:08 PM

I was rappin with my bud, Kurt th workin guy, th other nite and I told im I had a great title fer a money makin song, but I didn't have th lyrics fer it yet.

He said, ''Oh yeah, whas that?"

I said, ''Th title is; "Hamburger with Cheese, in Paradise."

Surprisingly, he scowled n shook his head.

''What? Ya don't like that?"

He said,

''Nah, it jus doesn't sound right. Besides dude, there's already a song called, 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' by Jimmy Buffet, and he has a big following who refer to themselves as 'parrot-heads.'"

''Sheeeit! Fuck, I already KNOW that!!! I don't care bout no steeenking Jimmy Buffet and his 'parrot-heads'. Cuz looky here, this isn't a 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' y'dig? This is a, 'Hamburger with Cheese in Paradise.' Don'cha see th difference? His song is about a 'cheeseburger'. Whereas my song is about a 'hamburger with cheese'. See what I mean? And when my song becomes popular, fuck a bunch of 'parrot-heads', cuz my cultish fans will refer to themselves as,'dick-heads.'

He still turned thumbs down on my idea. He said,

''Whatever!'' in an off hand dismissive manner.

Well, frankly, I was surprised at his non-plussed, luke-warm reception to my song writin idea. So, after that, I din't even bother to further tell im bout my blueprint fer World Domination! And how I planned to have th Masses pay homage to Me in weekly worship sessions, attendance strictly required, lest they offend me. I had visions of em paradin down th streets carryin statues of me on their shoulders, wobblin from side to side, with bands playin dirge-like music, all th while self flagellatin themselves with knotted whips, and rendin their hair and gnashin their teeth and swingin incense and stuff like that.

But, I didn't even mention that part of my plan, cuz no doubt, he prolly woulda found some flaws there too, like, some body else already thought of that. Still tho, one dissenter doesn't a movement make, eh! There are others out there. Remember, th Grand Canyon wasn't built in a day and ''all things come eventually to th patient Man''.

th cap'm

P.S. Hamburger w/cheese, anyone?

Subject: Obama Controversy
Date:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 6:02 PM

My friend, ''3 clicks'' sent this to me. We can only hope this was an abberation, and is not a harbinger of things to come. Oh, woe is us if that is so also.

**************

November 18, 2008
Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' 60 Minutes on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

*************

You can see th dilemma here, can't ya? I mean, if Sarah Palin is confused, where in th fuck-all does that leave mainstrem America also?

th cap'm

Subject: The Last Thanksgiving
Date:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 4:15 PM

With our economy in shambles, with untold peoples losing their retirement funds, millions bein laid off, further millions without health care, sub-standard education for our children looming, fighting two wars simutaneously, th auto industry on th verge of collapse, on and on til th ends of doom and gloom; I am wondering what father's across th country, presiding over th turkey dismemberment ritual, will be sayin at the Thanksgiving table this year?

''Oh heavenly Father. Thanks cuz we're still alive!''

th cap'm

P.S HAPPY THANKSGIVING!


Subject: When Potatoe (Dan Quale Lives) Pieces Go Missing
Date:
Sunday, November 23, 2008 4:18 PM

I had dinner out at Harrah's last nite. I had my usual, th prime rib with steak fries. But as soon as my meal was delivered I looked at my plate, and I sensed somethin wasn't right. My keen eye fer detail alerted me that there was somthin, vis a vis my potatoes, that jus didn't jive.... but I couldn't tell xactly what it was. So, in a process known as ''reverse engineering'', I took th various pieces and began to re-assemble th potato. But before I had even finished, th problem was obvious as a grief-stricken Republican! Zounds! There was a sliver missin. Yep, my potato was a sliver short.

Now, as ya'll know, I'm not a nit-picker kinda guy, but this situation simply couldn't be ignored like some others. Like, fr'instance, in th recent past, strictly in a spirit of constructive criticism y'dig, I have pointed out to my regular server, one Ms Niecie, that one of th pictures on their wall was not exactly level. And this unevenness, I told her, caused me some dizziness. I explained that that often accounted fer th wobble in my walk; that th booze was only partially to blame.
I had also noted on several occasions that a decorative grouping of bottles wasn't in symmetry. I had tried to explain to Niecie, how with jus th re-arrangin of a couple of th bottles, a sense of Balance and Order could be achieved. I mentioned that as casually as possible, so as not to seem to be overly critical, that a Fine Dining Restaurant may not be th best place to demonstrate Chaos Theory! And I offered to re-arrange th display right there on th spot. Or, if that wasn't convenient, I could come in some time, free of charge, and make a few other needed changes in their operation I had observed.

I told her to have Tom (Tom is th Head Dude of th whole joint) "touch base" with me, and we could arrange a sit-down and clear up a few things. I sometimes drop Tom's name in casual conversation around there.

Like, I might say,

''Y'know Niecie, th other nite at our weekly poker game, I was telling Tom...blah, blah, blah...."

or mebbe,

''Last nite, obviously uneasy about th current economic atmosphere, Tom was askin fer my advice on his portfolio, and I told him him.........''Y'know, jus little things, intimated at, so th help is made aware of th caliber of individual they're dealin with. OK!? Jus so they know I'm not some clodhopper, fresh off th turnip truuck!

Well anyways, back to ''th Mystery of th Missin Potato Part'', I summoned my waitress, th aforementioned young Ms Niecie, she, outta Haiti. (tho that be neither here nor there, jus some background) I told her,

''Looky here Niecie, I have re-assembled my potato and as ya can see, there's a potato gap there! Look! Ya can plainly see there's a chunk of potato thas gone missin.''

and I held up my plate so she could see. But instead of furrowin her brow in a look of concern, she started gigglin. Not th reaction I was lookin fer, y'dig. And she said,

''Oh My God! You mean you put your potato back together and there's a piece missing. Ha ha Oh Charley, you're too much, really!''

And she started laffin and chortlin some more. Tryin to put this affair back on track, I said with a serious mien,

''Um...hey looky here Niecie, I know, on a slow nite, ya gotta find yer amusement where ya can, but if ya can stifle yer gigglins jus fer a sec here, cuz, this is a serious matter; my potato is a sliver short! Yet you regard it with mirth? Hmmmm, thas a bit suspicious, y'know, cuz, like, I'm seein Levity where I oughta be seein Concern. Is this a practical joke or somthin? Is there a camera on me now watchin my reactions? Whas goin on? And if thas not th case; this brings up th question, now I'm not accusin you or anythin, OK? but do YOU have any personal knowledge of where my missin potato sliver is?''

She laffed again and said,

''No I don't Charley, Really, I don't have the slightest idea where th rest of your potato is? We've never had a situation like this before. This is a first! No one has ever complained about missing potato parts before. I might have known if it was going to happen, it would happen to you of all people tho."

this, accompanied by some more chucklin and chortlin. And I said,

''Well, I'm glad I was able to lighten yer evening a bit, but ya see sweetie, there's still th issue of my potato here. My potato is still not up to standards. Somthin needs to be done here to rectify this situation and I've got two possible solutions.

Solution # One: In th interests of gettin down to th bottom of this mystery, (pun pun) I suggest that th entire kitchen staff submit to a full cavity body search! I have a feelin that my potato slice jus might turn up.''

Niecie said, but now with th brow furrowed,

''Mmmmm, I don't know bout that Charley, because I kind of doubt they would be willing to go that far. I know I don't want to be anywhere around when you tell Diego of your plan! He's scary enough when he has a butcher's knife in his hands.This just might be too much for him to handle.''

I said,

''Oh well, excuuuuse me then. Pleeeze! Oh goodness, I soitnly don't wanna offend any of yer squeamish staff who might be a little uncomfortable with a finger wigglin around in their ass. No, no, no! So....mebbe we oughta go with

Solution # Two.

That is; if we could figure out what portion th potato amounts to in, in relation to th whole bill, we could then take 1/8th of that cost, and deduct it from th total.

Whadda'ya think?''

Niecie said,

''Well, maybe that would be best Charley. Knowing th rapport you have with Tom, I'm sure if you suggested somthing like that to him, he can work out a deal that will satisfy you.''

And when I get to thinkin bout it, I'm sure Tom and I could come up with an amicable solution to compensate me fer my loss. And, as fer th potato filchin perp hisself, ju know wat!? I'm thinkin; it's Christmas Time. Joy to th World. Good Will towards Persons. Let it go. It's jus a piece of potato. Let th potato filcher slide this time. There'll be other potatoes. Besides, I din't even finish th potatoes I had...so... no big fuckin deal I spose, eh!? OK, so.....Merry Christmas ya'll!


Subject: Someone Had To Do It
Date:
Sunday, November 23, 2008 10:56 AM

When I was 16
I met this gurl
She was 15 and a virgin
So I relieved her of her burden
What can I say
Thas just the way
I am

Subject: Eureka! At last. At last. I Sees Th Light
Date:
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 12:58 PM

Ok, first of all I would like to thank those of you who sent me helpful suggestions on how to deal with this pill spillin problem. I have been mullin over several of them which seemed like good ideas.

But less than 5 minutes ago, in th water-closet, I carefully side-stepped th pills still on th floor, and picked up one of my bottles and th darned thing slipped right outta my hands and to th floor. Drat! This time, I didn't accidentally knock th bottle over or anything, I jus dropped it. There were only about 8 or 9 pills there, so no big deal, eh. Sheeit, compared to th previous 5 spills; a minor spill.

But tho minor, this incident made me realize somthin: it brought it home that this thing is bigger than me! It sunk in that there's reely nothing I can do about it.

These fuckin pills are gonna wind upon th floor whether I like it or not and there's not a godam thing I can do to stop it either! Evidently, th Pill Spill gods got it in fer me. I dunno why? What'd I ever do to them? Nada, señor, but thas jus th way it is, it seems. What to do?

So, acceptin th inevitability of th situation, I have a new plan and it's very simple really. Since these things are gonna happen anyway, it's a complete waste of my time to get down on th floor every time to retrieve th fallen pills. My new strategy is:

"What falls to th floor, stays on th floor!!"

All I gotta do now, is be careful where I puts my feets when I'm in th bathroom.

And when I needs a pill, why sheeit, I'll jus pluck one off th floor, thus no more wasted precious minutes pickin up pills.

So, y'see boyz n gurlz, don't fret, cuz there's always a way outta jams, even if th gods are behind em, cus,

"We Are Homo Sapiens, Masters Of Our Own Fate!"

You'll figure a way out by yer own damn bad Self! Remember that, th next time yer wastin yer time shakin yer fist skyward and cursin th heavens. Cus they ain't listenin and furthermore, don't give a rats ass!!

th cap'm


Subject: Letter To The Editor
Date:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 8:37 PM

Becuz I know yer keenly interested, this is my letter th Star published today,

**************

What A Joke Our Mayors Be

Because of the Mayor's childish, stubborn Intransigence, the City Council was forced to pass a resolution forbidding unpaid volunteers from working in City offices. However the Mayor says he can't function without his wife's vast knowledge in running a city! Just for the record, she acquired this experience due to the fact that on a clear day, you can see City Hall from her front porch.

Local politicos wondered how the Mayors would react to this affront to their Authority? Check this out; since they wouldn't let Gloria come to City Hall, the Mayors decided to let City Hall come to them instead. They now run the city from their home instead. What chutzpah huh!?

I guess the next step the City Council must take would be to pass another ordinance; this one making it a requirement that the Mayor (singular) show up for work at the designated Mayor's Office, down town at City Hall, you know, where the rest of elected city officials work.

And you wonder why people laugh at the Cowtown?

***************************


Subject: Reply To City Council/Person
Date:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 8:21 PM

This is a reply I sent to Beth Gottstein, City Council Person for th 4th District, who sent me a mailer earlier today, stating that she wasn't gonna be distracted by all th crap goin on at City Hall, but was gonna concentrate on th isues.

**********************************

Well Ms Gottstein, if you can some how ignore the brouhaha swirling about City Hall and get something done, I take my hat off to you. Frankly I don't see how you, or any one else, can do it with all the distractions.

Personally, I am so fed up with the childish antics of our Mayor and his playmate, I just can't keep silent. The Star published yet another of my rants today about our Mayors. This whole situation of the Mayor conducting City Business from his home, in retaliation, because the Meanies on the City Council won't let his wife work with him in City Hall reminds me of something one might read about in a small hick town. One doesn't expect this kind of childish nonsense in a city the size of KC.

May I suggest a compromise? Isn't there a vacant room some where in City Hall where you could install a TV, a couple of cots and some used playground equipment, like a slide, a jungle jim, a couple of swings, etc. That way Mark and Gloria could watch cartoons in the morning, play in the afternoons, and then you could put them down for their nap when they get cranky. You might even try a little bribe by offering the tykes some of their favorite ice cream if they behave. And you could pay for it all from gas savings, by not having to drive out to their house.

In the meantime, folks on the City Council could address some of those issues you mentioned, and possibly get something accomplished. Perhaps you could suggest something like this at your next Council meeting.

Just a thought.


Subject: Pill Spillin Time, Ad Nauseum
Date:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 5:26 PM

I know you guys prolly get tired of readin this crap. Cuz frankly, I get tired of livin it alla time my own self. It's like it's "th Way of th World'' now. Maybe I should jus make it a weekly column called, "My Mission In Life Is To Spill Pills" Episode # ? whatever. And each week, I could relate my latest pill spilin adventure. Kinda like I do now, eh?

Last nite, my Navy Pea Jacket was to blame, again. Mebbe ya recall th prominent role it played in Pill Spill One & Pill Spill Two. Hip to that connection, I decided not to wear it in th bathroom again, so as to avoid future spills.

Now, Pill Spill Three was th result of my lid slippin off a stack of books, knockin over th silver polish, which then domino-ed in to th pills, thus that spill.

So, I moved th Pill Ops into th kitchen where one nite, reachin over my bottle of extra, extra virgin olive oil, (I wonder sometimes; jus how virgin can it get?) I accidentally knocked th olive oil bottle over onto my pill bottle, resultin in Pill Spill Four.

That was th Final Straw. I vowed that nite, that no matter th circumstances: NEVER AGAIN!

N E V E R A G A I N!! I simply would not ever let it happen again!! Y'know, like never!! I didn't think that ''again'' was ever goin to come again!!

And fer several weeks now, I have kept my pledge. I maintained a high level of Caution and Vigilance around my pill stash, bein ever so careful not to make unwarranted contact with em. I began to have confidence once more, in spite of th economic turmoil swirlin around me. Cuz, what th hell, in spite of my 401 tankin, my investments in Banking and Insurance wiped out, my GM stocks takin a dive, and with Gold plummetin, in spite of all that, I had managed to keep all my pills in their bottles and off th floor. And it was Good! Sometimes, one must take what ever small triumphs in Life one can, eh?!

So... last nite, after a bit of substance abuse, havin put on my US Navy Pea jacket, (ya remember that one) as I was about to egress th premises, I decided to relieve myself before venturin off into th nite. Everythin went off as planned, no problems, it was a splash-free op, but as I turned to ablute my hands (yes I do that) I heard an, oh so familiar sound. I recognized it instantly. OH FUCK! It was th pitter patter of small pills hittin th tile floor. Again!

I turned and looked to see about a 150 pills all over th floor. Oops! My fuckin coat! Once again. Sheeit. Double-Sheeit. Altho, jus fer a second, I lost my focus and was intrigued by th splatter pattern. I was wonderin bout what conclusions th KC CSI team would come to if they had been called to th scene? What would they surmise went down? Would a Navy pea jacket be considerd?

Well, puttin those conjectures outta my mind, I surveyed what has become a regular, routine tragedy in my life. Evidently, I'm incapable of goin one month without spillin my pills all about. This was, if yer keeping count, th FIFTH fuckin time I've done this in th past 6 weeks! I couldn't deal with it. I decided to play clean-up later, rather than then! I told myself tho, that when I came back to th crib in th morn, I would remember th pills on th floor, and so would step carefully, so as not to squash any of em. So... ya know what happened when I came in this mornin and turned on th light and stepped into th bathroom, don't ya? Yep, thas right kids, I took one step, and heard that crunchin sound, and then remember th pills on th floor. Curses! Ten Thousand Curses! I wonder if those pills will still work if they're broke? And dirty too!

Y'know, I remember back in th '50s in high school, where they showed us these movies bout th Horrors of Marijuana, but none of em, not one mind ya, ever showed that if yer were able to survive to th "Old Geezer'' stage, ya would be knockin yer pill bottles all over th fuckin place every time ya turned around! Th real-est thing ya had to worry bout, was smokin th Death Weed and then takin an ax to granny's head. Never said nary a word bout pill spillin. Course, even if they had, I would'na paid em any attention either, cuz I never thought I would make it this far anyway. I mean, sheeit, who in th fuck wanted to grow up and later become an ''old geezer'' anyway? Man, that was fer ''squares''! I was hep, ya dig.

Y'know, this whole pill spillin epidemic has got me wonderin, like, mebbe if it isn't a sign of some kind? Could it be an an indicator th End Days are near?

Does th Rapture approach-eth? Is Armageddon on th horizon? Is this what Nostradamus referred to in his still undeciphered quatrain # 1254, where he said,

''Pill spills hit the floor
Then come many more
>From th pills we can see
The final days of Destiny''

Hmmmm. Food fer thought, if ya wanna snack.

th cap'm

P. S. My pills are still on th floor. I can hear em from here on th sofa, pleadin,
''Hey dude, how's bout a hand here yo? It's fuckin cold on this hyere floor ya know! Whadda'ya say bro!?''

Fuck it. I'm gonna let em stay there. At least I won't drop em again.


Subject: th cap'm got ripped off
Date:
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 2:31 PM

Do ya recall me telling ya about a week ago how those fuckers at autowerks 2018 w. 43rd, kck, ripped me off? lied to me, didn't back up their guarantee, overcharged me, charged me for parts they never put on, etc. jus screwed me over in general.

well i jus wish a couple of peoples would write them at autowerks@kc.rr.com
and say you read about them on "eKC" on-line mag, or from my e-mail, and that if you ever go to buy a set of wheels, you won't go there, cus you know what a bunch of cheatin mutherfuckers they are! don't matter if ya live in wasilla, alaska, they don't know that.

everytime i think about those assholes, i get pissed off all over again. and there's nothin th consumer can reely do when shit like this happens to em. complain? to who? but maybe if a few folks wrote them, they jus might stop and think about it th next time they do that figurin no one will know about it anyway.

but, if ya don't wanna mess with it; it's cool, no big deal. I unnerstan. everybody got a bitch with some one!

th cap'm


Subject: Th Cap'm Scores Another Coup. Once More. Again!
Date:
Monday, November 10, 2008 1:25 PM

A couple nites ago, I was sittin there in th saloon, groovin and meditatin, quaffin my brews, stoned outta my fuckin mind, y'know, "jus another Saturday nite, and I ain't got no body"....(oooops sorry bout that, damned blues wigglin their way in my thoughts)

So....I was sittin there, tryin to ignore th blues th band was layin down, cuz like I told ya, I don't float like that, when suddenly, from outta th blue as it were, EUREKA! I got another great money makin idea. This happens alla time tho. Sheeit, I been gettin these capitol ideas my whole life, but th main-est problem is; I've never been able to make a fuckin dime off one of em yet! Sheeit, I sometimes wonder whether I oughta even bother gettin these great ideas or not? I mean, y'know, whas th point; if there's no pay off, why even bother, eh?

But anyways, I think this time gonna be different, cuz this Killer Idea hits me right between th eyes, damn near knockin my off my stool. This time... I think I'm on to somthin! Check it out. I was thinkin bout marketing a Personal Eye-Ball Cleaning Kit. Like, who amongst us fr'instance, hasn't suffered th humiliation and contempt, when as ya approach, others step back askance and whisper among themselves,

"Ooooh gosh, he has dirty Eye-Balls! Oh gross! Why doesn't he do somthin bout them?!"

And they make ya feel like some kind of ignernt clodhopper who jus came down from Alaaaska or somethin, who doesn't know anything bout personal hygiene.
OK, this is fer youse guys and yer gonna dig it. My kit consists of a small plastic tub, bout th size of a cigarette pack, one side containin The Clamp, The Personal Applicator, The Cleansing Brush, and The Buffing Tool. On th other side, you peel off th plastic cover exposin three small, numbered trays. Tray # 1 containin th Cleansing Solution. Tray # 2 containin The Rinsing Solution, and Tray # 3 containin The Buffing Paste.

So, what ya do is, and this is very simple. Jus follow th included instructions.
Step One: ya attach the Clamp to yer eye lids, and then use the small crank to pry yer Eye-lids open and keep em in the "open position".

Step Two: Ya now take yer specially shaped Applicator and dip it in Tray # 1, which has th Cleansing Solution in it, and ya use it to apply th Cleanser to yer eye ball, using it's unique, patented design to reach in those hard to access places, like th corners of th eye and so on. Let it soak in reel good fer about 15 minutes. If ya want, ya can skip rope, or masturbate, or whatever, while The Solution does it's job. That's strictly up to th individual as to how they spend that time. Jus keep in mind that there is no wrong way, or right way. It jus comes down to personal preferences.

Step Three: Ya then take The Cleansing Brush and first dip it in Tray # 2, which contains The Rinsing Solution, (by th way, th Chalice in th Palace has th Brew that is True) and vigorously brush out all those stubborn spots. Don't spare th elbow grease here, which ya will have to supply yerself tho, but if yer like me, ya always keep a spare can around, jus in case. OK! So, there'll always be a few spots that The Applicator jus can't handle, but yer special Cleansing Brush is made outta very fine, steel bristles, and is Guaranteed to do th job!

Step Four: After th Eye Ball is completely dry, and if ya wanna speed up this Process a bit, I recommend puttin yer hair-dryer in th Waaaay Hot setting and placin it as close as ya can to th Eye-ball, lettin it do it's dryin thing. This is strictly optional tho, cuz it doesn't improve th Process; but merely speeds it up.

Step Five: Th Final Phase. Dip yer Buffing Tool in Tray # 3, and Buff th whites of yer Orb til they glisten and shine. And once again, altho this is optional, fer that reely special look, I suggest ya use some kind of whitening agent, like Clorox fr'instance, cus as ya know, that always makes yer whites look whiter.

And of course, repeat th Process fer th other Eye-ball.There ya have it. Spendin only 30 minutes per Orb, twice a day, in no time yer friends will be enviously askin,

"Hey Yo, like, whas yer secret, dude/dudette?"

Isn't that swell! Yew will no longer be subjected to th snide whispers and openly contemptuous remarks upon meetin new friends. You'll quickly discover that yer bright, sparklin Eye-Balls will attract a lotta attention and subsequently make ya a Preferred Guest at th de riguer Events of th Social Season. You will quickly become A-List Material and much in demand, and ya can thank th Capm's Eye-Ball Kit fer yer new found popularity.

I'm treatin some Big Time Investors to lunch tomorrow at Taco Bell, to pitch my Idea and give em a chance to get in on th ground floor! Cus this elevator's about to go UP boyz n gurlz, and FAST, and NOW! Ya dig!?

th cap'm


Subject: "Th Blues"
Date:
Sunday, November 9, 2008 3:58 PM

Why? Who needs em? Fer some reason, strangers always think I'm a blues fan. Peoples I don't know, come up to me and say stuff, like,

"Hey dude, I'll betcha yer a big blues fan, aren't ya?"

I dunno why! I mean, I'm OK with th Blues every now and then. I can handle some Stevie Ray Vaughn occasionally, but th Blues alla time? Sheeit, that sounds like Clinical Depression to me.

Hey... instead of Blue... why not Boog-a-loo? Or Boogie-Woogie? Sounds like lotsa more fun to me. I mean, if yer man/woman done left ya, stop snivelin and whinin bout it. At least publicly, cus I don't give a shit! Do ya think yer th only one been thru all that? Who in th fuck hasn't? Do I gotta hear bout how low down ya are bout it? Didn't ya jus hear me say, I don't give a shit. I mean, fuck, Duke, we all had disappointments in our lives, eh! That don't mean I want ya whinin and slobberin on my shoulders bout yers, cus, like I said....It don't mean sheeit to moi!

S'not my problema, OK. I gots problems of my own, ya dig! Act like a grown-up. Ya'll get over it. It'll pass. Nothin lasts forever. Th sun will come up, th birds will sing again, laughter and joy will return. In th meantime quit yer cryin and belly-achin over it, cus, besides bein unseemly and pussy-like, it's a reel drag fer th rest of us, cuz....and I can't stress this enuff; We Don't Fucking Care!

Get ya some good drugs. Thas what I do. Go off and nod in th corner. Ya'll feel better. I guarantee it!

And, oh yeah, stop goin to places where some one else is singin about their blues. Ya don't need that negative crap. Tell em, to shut th fuck up, and cease and desist with all th histrionics and drama bout their little problems and let ya drink yer booze while ya try and figure out how yer gonna pay yer rent.
th light hearted

cap'm

P.S. By th way, I'm not a Dredful Grate fan either, so don't bore me in some pseudo kindred spirit mode; with yer stories bout how ya followed em around th country fer ten years. I gets my fix with Cherries Garcia, and thas plenty enuff fer me, thankyaverymuch.OK, ya'll, fer those of ya who likes their cheap thrills; here's one fer ya! And it's Free, so how cheap can ya get? Keeps yer peepers focused on th Letters to the Editor in th next several days, and ya can read th below.... AGAIN! Oh what a Thrill that'll gonna be, eh!?


Subject: "The Most Popular Governor In America!"
Date:
Sunday, November 9, 2008 2:57 PM

I heard that expression more times than I can remember in th last three months as an attribute of Gov. Palin, who was constantly touted as "The most popular Governor in America." She evidently had th highest percentage of approval of any other Governor, as tho this was significant in some way.

But as fer myself, I don't think of it as an endorsement as such. But rather than as a reflection of credit to her, I think of it more as an indictment of th Stupidity of th average Alaskan! Th Alaaskan hive mind is not too bright. Also keep in mind boyz n gurlz, these are th same wing-nuts who just re-elected their Senator, th Honorable Ted Stevens, who could easily be th undisputed poster boy fer Pork Barrel Spending, and who was recently convicted of multiple Felonies. Yeah, seven counts as I recall. Oh well, no one's perfect, eh! Ya want Perfection? Get a God.

While completely disregardin their election and approval of Sarah herself, which I would further say is jus one more indication of their combined Idiocy; that gives ya some idea of th mentality and mind-set of yer typical Alaskan, and where their heads are. Yeah, ya could graciously say they're jus slow learners... or... ya could be brutally candid and jus say they are th epitome of th Dumb Fuck Moron. On th other hand, cuz there are always two sides to every argument, their actions may not be ones of Stupidity, but instead, may be evidence of late development.

Consider this, Alaaaska: a state bigger in area than California, Texas, and New York combined, who have an aggregate population of 79,000,000! Whereas in Alaaaaska, ya got about 670,000 Fuckin Idiots; not even one million in th whole damned state, or about half what ya got right here in jus th KC Metro area. They have 1.1 peoples per square mile, sheeit, compared to 217 in California, 401 in New York, and 80 in Texas even.

See, what this may mean is; they don't get a chance to develop their peoples skills properly, cus they only run into other like-critters at th Summer Solstice, when they venture out and perform their courting rituals durin Baby Seal Slaughter Time. There, they rub noses together in their time honored tradition, which means, "Me Man! You Woman! We Fuck!" and they go off in th bushes and boink, thus perpetuating th age old Genetic Imperative of th Species to Survive.

Oh sure, there are some of em who've had some skoolin and can make their sign in a rudimentary fashion, and cypher a bit, but, by and large, they are still like a tribe of Primitives, and are not familiar with th ways of civilized folk. They are jus now emergin into th modern world and are now beginnin to see th advantages of metal tools, like Iron, fr'instance. So, perhaps it's no surprise that they are a bit politically naive, so to speak? Maybe it's not Stupidity, but merely jus Ignorance! Mebbe we jus need to give em some time to catch up?

But, in any case, I hope ya'll keep these things in mind th next time some one tells ya that,

"Sarah Palin is the most popular Governor in America."

Yeah, and in th Valley of th Blind, th one eyed Man is King too!

th cap'm


Subject: Our Gurl Sarah. Oh My! Now Th Truth Comes Out!
Date:
Saturday, November 8, 2008 4:13 PM

I am findin it amusin in th extreme to see that th harshest, most heated, most insulting and vitriolic criticisms of Sarah Palin did not come from her Democratic opponents, but from her former supposed Republican supporters!! Th Dems were actually gracious in comparison.

Equally surprisin and amusin was that I first saw this on Fox News, of all places! This is what is referred to as: Priceless!

Now that th shit has hit th fan, and it's all over but th cryin, and there's plenty of that goin on; th finger pointing has begun in earnest. And there's plenty of that too. Ha ha I must admit, I'm enjoyin every minute of it immensely! Evidently, shockin as it may seem, Sarah's supporters weren't actually all that keen on her, in their hearts of hearts, were they?

Now that it doesn't matter any more, we're hearin what they reely thought about Mad Dog Palin. And it's not a pretty story boyz n gurlz. Sarah was a person they referred to as a, "Diva", a "whack-job", "th Wasilla Hillbilly", and lotsa other insulting things.

I'm sure you will not hear any of these slanderous remarks about Sarah coming from McLame personally, cuz, after all, He picked her!! But ya know damn well he's not doin anything to stop em! That gives ya some measure of th Hypocrisy of th man. And this whole farce has exposed th utter phoniness of John McCain's purported, "Country First" strategy.

Obviously, had he reely been thinkin of America First, he would never have chosen such a dim-wit twat, no-body from no-where, to be his VP. He showed reely Baaad Judgement! Ya could even say he was incredibly STUPID in doin so. And th most Hypocritical, of all th hypocritical things he has done so far, would be for him to criticize and blame her! After all, he is Th Dumb Fuck who plucked her outta no where, and some how expected her to transform herself into a first class, national politician over nite.

It would be like an NFL coach takin a kid outta a high school football team, and makin im yer star NFL runnin back, and then complainin he was no good; didn't perform up to standards!

This was a person who didn't know that Africa was a Continent, and not a country. Who thought that South Africa was merely a region of th Country and not a separate country itself. Who thought that becus she could see Russia from her front porch; that that gave her foreign policy experience. Who thought th VP presided over th Senate and made policy. Who didn't know what countries were in NAFTA. Didn't know what countries comprised N. America. In other words, a person who didn't know her ass from her elbow!

And in spite of th fact it was blatantly obvious she was just plain ignorant, or at least, incredibly naive when it came to politics on a national scale, th faithful continued to praise her as tho she were not only a viable candidate, but an exceptional one to boot. It is still beyond my comprehension how any semi-intelligent woman could find her appealin in any kind of way, other than th fact she was a female. If you had liked Hillary, fr'instance, how in th fuck-all could you find anything worthy of note in this simpleton? Were I female, I would have been pissed that this Idiot was put forth as th first Repub female in a National Election. Out of 150,000,000 women in this country, John McCain picked her??? And you don't think that makes him a Dumb Fuck!!

Fuck John McCain! I don't have one iota of respect for im any more. He's proven to be jus another first-class sleaze-bag politician as far as I'm concerned.

In closin, lemme jus say,

After a long arduous campaign, ya had to have one party lose, and no one deserved th title of LOSER more than JM. (and crew!)

"Fuck John McCain!!"

(hmmm it seems I somehow got off th Palin track, eh!)

th cap'm


Subject: Th Farce Goes On!
Date:
November 7, 2008 3:50 PM

I was jus made aware of a few minutes ago that our stupid fucking Mayor had filed a lawsuit against th City, challenging their recent ordinance to keep his equally stupid wife from interfering in City Business.

I just sent the letter below to Lynn Horsley of th Star. This is besides th one I sent to Letters to the Editor. Sheeeit!

Sent e-mail message

From: capt_duderino@webtv.net(Charley Hoohah) Date: Fri, Nov 7, 2008,
3:15pm To: lhorsley@kcstar.com
Subject: RE: Our Country Bumpkin Of A Mayor

This childish immature mayor and his equally silly wife are a constant embarrassment to this city. It is absolutely disgusting the way they both act like a couple of spoiled brats. The absurd lengths these two clueless buffoons will go to boggles the mind. The people of Kansas City are the victims of an outrageous hoax. The Mayor talks about preserving the Integrity of the Office! What cow manure! If he was the least bit concerned about the Integrirty of the Office, he would promptly resign and aplogise to this citizens of this city for Impersonating a Public Official!

What a joke of a Mayor he has proven to be! If they ran an election tomorrow, I doubt whether he could ganer a thousand votes! Can a Mayor be recalled from office? Who in the world would vote for him again, besides his wife and a few other mental defectives?

charley

P.S. I have no doubts what so ever that this simpleton needs to have Gloria there to hold his hand while he goes wee-wee and poo-poo while she advises him on how to proceed. This person is just too pathetic for words, and I use this term, because he can't possibly be a Man. Sniveling, Whining, Spoiled Brat is the only thing that comes to my mind!!


Subject: THRILL SEEKERS ALERT
Date:
Friday, November 7, 2008 2:07 PM

OK, ya'll, fer those of ya who likes their cheap thrills; here's one fer ya! And it's Free, so how cheap can ya get? Keeps yer peepers focused on th Letters to the Editor in th next several days, and ya can read th below.... AGAIN! Oh what a Thrill that'll gonna be, eh!?

Sent e-mail message

From: capt_duderino@webtv.net(Charley Hoohah) Date: Fri, Nov 7, 2008,
12:09pm To: letters@kcstar.com
Subject: What A Joke Our Mayors Be!

Because of the Mayor's childish, stubborn Intransigence, the City Council was forced to pass a resolution forbidding unpaid volunteers from working in City offices. However the Mayor says he can't function without his wife's vast knowledge in running a city! Just for the record, she acquired this experience due to the fact that on a clear day, you can see City Hall from her front porch.

Local politicos wondered how the Mayors would react to this affront to their Authority? Check this out; since they wouldn't let Gloria come to City Hall, the Mayors decided to let City Hall come to them instead. They now run the city from their home instead. What chutzpah huh!?

I guess the next step the City Council must take would be to pass another ordinance; this one making it a requirement that the Mayor (singular) show up for work at the designated Mayor's Office, down town at City Hall, you know, where the rest of elected city officials work. And you wonder why people laugh at the Cowtown?

****************

Of course, if this all sounds vaguely familiar to ya, it cuz it's a shorter version from th one I already sent ya on Tuesday. Not so long ago, eh? Ah Redundancy and Repetition: it's a drag! But... like I said, it's Free!

th cap'm


Subject: PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
Date:
Friday, November 7, 2008 1:32 PM

Due to th results of a certain Presidential Election held recently, I will no longer be spellin America as, "Amerika". I will continue this practice in th future. Unless of course, if I should become dis-allusioned again! At this point tho, I feel confident I can put th old spelling out to pasture permanently.

"Amerika" was a place th bastards Bush/Cheney invented which I knew not of. A Pox on them for their dastardly efforts! Maybe now, I can feel good about it again.

th cap'm


Subject: President Obama
Date:
Wednesday, November 5, 2008 5:01 PM

November 4th, 2008. So much has been written about this historic day, I'm not going to add more. What more is there left to say, that hasn't already been said by many, far more eloquently than myself!

I thank all of those tho, who did write to me expressing your Hopes, Dreams and Optimism for what th Future may hold for us. We are all aware that this President goes into office facing more and greater challenges by far, than any other President in History, but I feel confident tho, that th best, most able person for th job, is th one America chose! I have high hopes, altho it's going to take some time to repair the damage that's been done to us over the last eight years.

It's not going to get fixed quickly, but I'm confident, it will get fixed!!!

th cap'm


Subject: The Return Of The VROOM VROOM
Date:
Wednesday, November 5, 2008 4:42 PM

Ya'll may recall about three years ago I wrecked my '90 Mustang convertible. I still don't know exactly how, but I managed to lose control of th car of a rainy evenin, not goin round a curve, or anything like that, but on a straight away. After I went up over th curb, th car flipped sideways and I went thru th end of a 3-foot high brick wall. Sideways! I remember, as I climbed outta th wreckage, tryin to figure out how this had happened, and so quickly, lookin at my car which I'd only had 4 months; I thought,

"Darn! Now you've done it! Ya've gone and ruined yer car! Sheeit!"

See, th thing is; this little car has a 5 Liter engine with a 5 speed transmission in it. This is a whole lotta engine fer such a small car, thus makin it rather speedy. And I had had th mufflers removed and was jus runnin straight pipes, so not only did it go fast, but it made a lotta noise doin it. It sounded jus like a dragster. Th roar of that engine was a sound I found very satisfyin. That VROOM VROOM was like music to my ears, so I played that tune every chance I got. And th engine loved RPM's. I found it impossible to ignore th it's siren cry,

"Gimme more RPMs pleeeze! Lots more RPMs. More! More! More! I wanna be redlined!!"

It's appetite fer more RPMs was insatiable. So I fed it constantly, til that nite when it OD'd causin th ruin of us both. It was too dangerous fer our own good. It demanded too much excitement and bein th enabler I am, I gave it all it craved, and then some. So after that incident, I had it towed back to th crib and never drove it again.

Until today, that is. I filled th tires and went and bought a new battery. I didn't know if it was even gonna start or not, cus it's been sittin outside fer three winters now. But sheeit, guess what happened when I turned th key? Instantly without th slightest pause....VROOOM!! VROOM!! VROOOM....HOUSTON WE HAVE IGNITION!!!

Oh it was Sweet! It was SWEET, I tell ya!!

So, I had to take it on a little shakedown cruise, y'know what I mean!? All of a sudden th last three years of Reason, Caution and Safety concerns, vanished without a trace. It was jus Me and th Throttle, and th Steerin Wheel and th Gears, and of course th obligatory VROOM VROOM, all in Synch, workin in Unison, becomin ONE! Oh it was Blast! I was grinnin from ear to ear.

So....early this mornin, if ya wake up to what sounds like th Demons from Hell roarin thru yer neighborhood, don't panic; relax. It's jus th Cap'm makin his way, homeward bound.

th cap'm

P.S. I must sell this vehicle while I still have my wits about me, cus if I succumb to it's spell once again, I'm afraid we're gonna have a sad ending!


Subject: Yawn!
Date:
Wednesday, November 5, 2008 5:37 AM

I have returned to th crib as we leaveth th bottom half of th 5 o'clock hour. 5:30 AM, Nov. 5th, 2008. Ho-hum I have been sooo bored th last few days. There's absolutely nothin goin on!

Last nite, Tuesday, I was sittin at th bar, tryin to eavesdrop on a conversation between this young twit and his young twat, and I could barely hear em, cuz this bunch of other kids were all goin off over some political bullshit on th TeeVee.

Damn! Sheeit, th only thing keepin th nite from bein a total waste, and it gets drowned out by a bunch of ill-manner ruffians.

So....anything worth noting goin on in yer life? It's like, Deadsville here!

Bored In Cowtown Cuz There's Nothin Goin Down!

th cap'm


Subject: A Mayor We Can Be Proud Of!
Date:
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 8:03 PM

Whatever criticisms others may hurl Cowtown's way, no one in these United States has such principled Beings in the Mayor's office as we do. There's no other mayor even close to our Dynamic Due.

When the Meanies on the City Council realized that all their hints, suggestions, beggings, implorings, etc, were not going to force the Mayor to make his Co-Mayor; that would be the lovely Gloria Squitero, his wifey, stay home and mend socks, and stop fussing around in city business, they passed a resolution forbidding unpaid volunteers from working in City offices. Take that Mayors Funkhouser!!

Whew! Talk about raising some one's hackles! The Honorable Mayor didn't like that one bit. No Sireee! He felt it was insulting. He had told them numerous times in the past that she was indispensable to him in running the city. As he told them many times She is the Love of his Life, and Everything he has, he owes to her, and gosh darn it, he can't function without her vast knowledge in running a city. She acquired this experience due to the fact that on a clear day, you can see City Hall from her front porch.

Some of my sources in City Hall tell me that when the Mayor has to go potty, he holds up either one or two fingers, you know, depending, and she then holds his hand while he makes dooty or wee-wee. He says he can't do it without her assistance. He says he is very uncomfortable trying to make poo-poo if Gloria isn't there to advise him through it.

Well anyways, after passing the new ordinance, all the local politicos wondered how the Mayors would handle it? They vowed to fight back. But how?

Very Simple. Since they wouldn't let Gloria come to City Hall, the Mayor decided to let City Hall come to them instead. He now runs the city from his own house. That'll teach them to mess around with the Funkhousers! Ha ha The Man is brilliant huh? Altho many say he is acting like a spoiled little brat throwing a temper tantrum, never the less, if you wish to speak to the mayor now, you must call him at home.

And check this; guess who answers the phone there? Ha ha Yep, Ms. Gloria, that's who! And if you should happen to be one of those who had bad things to say about either of them in the past, well, you're likely to find Ms. Gloria telling you the Mayor is busy at the moment and he will return your call, when he's not so busy. In that case, my advice to you would be; not to hold your breath while waiting.

I guess the next step the City Council must take would be to pass another ordinance; this one making it a requirement that the Mayor show up for work at the designated Mayor's Office, down town at City Hall, you know, where the rest of elected city officials work. But we don't know for sure what their next move will be? The ball is definitely in their court now.

OK, so, if you don't happen to approve of the way the Mayors runs this city, just remember one thing folks, they are the HONORABLE MUTHERFUCKER MAYORS FUNKHOUSER, and You, Me, Us, are just the PEONS!

Is this a World Class City, or what!!

th cap'm


Subject: Important Consumer Tip From th Cap'm
Date:
Monday, November 3, 2008 7:43 PM

Hey yo, do you guys recall a few months ago when I told ya bout buyin some new wheels fer th Caddy at AUTOWERKS, 2018 W. 43rd, KCK, and th glowin account I gave ya of my experience there.

Well ferget it!! I was talkin outta my ass. cuz I was bamboozled. Yeah, I got conned. Big Time. I'm hopin none of youse took my words to heart, cus if yer gonna buy ya some wheels fer yer ride, go to this place only if it's th last one left standin..... and then think twice about it. And then, jus say "FUCK IT" and faggedaboutit. You'll be glad ya did!

Ferget what ever promises they make ya, ferget all their con about how important ya are as a customer, ferget what ever guarantees they give ya, cus all that crap don't mean sheeit, as you'll discover when it comes time to pay yer bill. And brutha, lemme tell ya, when ya get that bill, yer in fer a SURPRISE! SURPRISE! And a right mightily unpleasant one it's gonna be too.

I GUARAAANTEE IT!!

Hit me up fer th details if ya want more info. I'll be glad to SHARE! Like, I'm gonna file a complaint with th Better Business Bureau, but SHEEIT, ya'know ese, when ya get fucked over by some unscrupulous outfit, there's not a helluva lot ya can do bout it, cept splutter and blather with Rage and mebbe hip as many other peoples as ya can what they're up to. And ya know what that does fer ya, don'cha? It don't do sheeit!!

OK, so.......remember that place, AUTOWERKS, when yer drivin by 1820 W.43rd, and keep on truckin; don't pause, don't slow down, cuz it's a bummer business, a bummer operation!

My apologies fer th bum steer I gave ya concernin these guys earlier. Really! Like I said, I had my head up my ass! Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa!

th cap'm


Subject: Ode To Oblivion
Date:
Friday, October 31, 2008 2:17 PM

Stop! Stop!
Wait! Wait!
I'm Late, I'm Late.
Gotta catch
the Slo-Mo Express
to
NOWHERE!

******************

Yeah, i know, i know. i usually don't go there, but i couldn't help myself.

th cap'm


Subject: Life Drops The Hammer. Once Again!
Date:
Friday, October 31, 2008 2:25 AM

My pet turtle, Meghan, ran away from home yesterday. My across-th-street neighbor told me he saw her and Joey (they call him "Joe th Turtle") runnin down th street from 2:30 til 3:45 when they turned east on 51st, from 3:45 til 4:30.

Joey lives next door and he's th neighborhood Lothario. I warned her bout him and his slitherin tongue, but she said they were jus friends.

Th thing is tho; she's a tease and she's Hot.....and she knows it. She's got those big, brown eyes and that cute little tail that she's constantly wigglin around in a provocative manner. I gave her "th talk" recently. y'know, bout safe sex and all, cuz I could see trouble comin.

I told her,

"Friends" sheeit, gurl, he's jus after one thing and you know it!"

But she said I was jus goin by his reputation and that actually he was a very "sensitive" dude, and I jus didn't unnerstan im. Well, ya know how it is; she's 17 years old and y'know how rebellious they are at that age. Everything turns into an argument, with her snappin at me alla time. I try and get her to clean her terrarium and she jus withdraws into a shell and sulks and pouts.

Well things blew up Tuesday nite when I came home unexpectedly early and found em doin th horizontal bop in th middle of th living room. I went off Duke! I asked Joey if he ever heard of "turtle stew" before? Man, his eyes bugged out and he hauled ass outta here likety-split! He was out th front door in twenty minutes!

I told Meghan,

"I warned ya bout him! You silly gurl, whadda ya gonna do if ya get pregnant?

You think yer ready to care fer thousands of eggs?"

But she claimed it didn't matter even if she was, cuz they were, "in love". She said one day they were gonna make it down to Brush Creek, then to th Little Blue, to th Big Muddy and pick up th Mississippi at St. Louie, all th way down to th Gulf, where she wanted to pursue her dream to be an astronaut.

I scoffed in disgust,

"So, ya think ya got it all figured out huh? An astronaut!! Where do ya get these fool notions? Yer a turtle! Turtles don't become astronauts, only humans can do that!!! Ya got about as much chance of becomin an astronaut as Mike th Headless Chicken had of becomin a wide receiver in th NFL!"

And then she accused me of bein a Speciesphobe, sayin that jus cuz we have prehensile thumbs, we HomoSapiens all think we're so special! And she went on to tell me about an e-mail she got awhile back from some asshole named Aesop, where he told her bout a turtle that beat a rabbit in a race, or some such shit, and how she's been trainin to become a sprinter and challenge "Joe th Rabbit" who lives down th street to a foot race. I've been wonderin what she's been doin runnin up and down th driveway this past week?

"Oh Lord. C'mon pleeze! Don't tell me bout some bullshit e-mail ya got! Damn gurl, how many times I gotta tell ya, that 99 % of that bullshit ya read on th Internet is jus that; BULLSHIT! Ya dig! Yer not gonna beat any fookin rabbit in no foot race, y'unnerstan that?!"

And she screamed,

"I hate you! I hate you! You ruin all my dreams!" I said,

"Thas it!! Yer grounded young lady! And if I see that Joey character round here again, we'll be havin turtle-tail soup fer dinner instead of Big Macs. Now go to yer terrarium and I don't wanna hear another word!"

And she left a trail of big, turtle tear drops behind in her wake. I felt kinda bad, y'know, but whadda ya gonna do?

And so... today when I came home from some errands, she had left. I guess it's fer th best, but I'm gonna miss watchin Animal Planet with her and our regular chess games. I know all th young snails in th 'hood are gonna miss th thrill rides she gave em on her back as she raced up and down th driveway trainin fer her foot race with "Joe th Rabbit".

She left a note apologizin and tellin me not to worry; that Joey was gonna take care of her, and that she was happy and all.

Well I sure hope so. I guess it was inevitable but, SIGH! I still can't stop worryin. Did'ju ever have a pet run away too, boyz n gurlz?

th cap'm

P.S. If ya happen to see a couple young turtles crossin th street, give em a wide berth would'ja, or better yet, stop and give em hand. Mebbe somthin to eat. Meghan is partial to Big Macs and fries.


Click here for Joe Dreck archives

2008 Discovery Publications, Inc. 1501 Burlington, Ste. 207, North Kansas City, MO 64116
(816) 474-1516; toll free (800) 899-9730; fax (816) 474-1427

The contents of eKC are the property of Discovery Publications, Inc., and protected under Copyright.
No portion may be reproduced in whole or part by any means without the permission of the publisher. Read our Privacy Policy.