joe dreck
September 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, figures watchin' Palin's ass
is worth 5% of the male vote...or more.

Subject: That Sarah Palin Gurl
Tuesday, September 30, 2008 4:24 PM

I swear, it is absolutely beyond my comprehension how any person, no matter how impressed and elated they were after her speech at th Republican Convention, could still feel comfortable with her nomination. Even if yer a woman and are an NRA member, and are anti-abortion, there are a number of Republican candidates who also had those creds, and are imminently more qualified fer th job than her. It is also beyond my comprehension how any woman who was enamored of Hillary Clinton, could then turn and support this woman out of anger that Hillary didn't get th Dem nomination. These two ladies are worlds apart in intelligence, experience, judgement or any other criteria ya wanna use, well of course, cept that one; gender. Thas about th only thing they share in common.

Th outrageously stupid idea that jus becuz she can see Russia from her home, and that that gives her foreign policy experience, is jus too ridiculous to seriously consider fer any sane person, and yet she keeps repeatin it. Does that mean that all those other folks in Alaska who can also see Russia from their homes have foreign policy experience too? Mebbe th next time we have a crisis vis a vis th Russkies, th Prez oughta say,

"OK, this is serious. Get in touch with all my Alaskan advisers. They'll know what to do!"

There's a sound reason why her handlers have kept her away from th media. Every time she opens her mouth, in response to almost any question, rather than answer it directly, she resorts to parroting th "party line", or, jus starts babblin incoherently. She reminds me of that Miss American contestant who jus went on forever and never said one coherent thing.

If ya saw her interview with Katie Couric, ya would havta been cringing in embarrassment fer her. When Katie asker her to clarify her first clumsy attempt to justify her contention that she knew about Russia she said,

"As Putin rears his ugly head (by th way, diplomats don't often refer to Heads of State of th most powerful countries in those kinds of personal descriptions (cd) and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, (I'm glad she clarified that united states of America, instead of th united states of Wazoo, cus hat coulda been confusin, eh? cd) where do they go? It's Alaska! It is just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send them out to make sure that an eye is being kept on that very powerful country, Russia."

WHAT? Oh mercy. Ha ha. C'MON! Read that over, skippin th crap in th parentheses, and tell me what she jus said? Tell me that you think th person who said that has any business being VP of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD? I heard one guy on Fox News complainin that they didn't show th good parts of th interview, y'know, stuff bout her family and all; jus th "gotcha" parts, as they describe any non-fluff question. So does that mean they talked bout her under-age, unwed pregnant daughter, or th son who was forced to join th service to get outta his own little problems with th law, or th "First Dude's" DUI conviction, or th radical wingnut organization he used to belong to that advocated secession from th beloved USA? Or her sister's messy public divorce? Did they discuss those things?

If I were a Republican (are peoples born that way, or is it a learned behavior? jus joshin) I would be sorely disappointed in th judgement of my man McCain, to select Sara Palin as his running mate? I would have to seriously ask myself,

"What in th fuck was he thinkin?"

Ya know what I think? McCain's two word slogan is, "America First". When he picked Sara, do you reely think that fer one second, of all th Repubs out there, Romney, Giuliani, Huckabee, Crist of Florida and several others, that he reely believed that Sara Palin would make th best VP fer Amerika? FUCK NO HE DIDN'T! That was strictly a political choice in that he figured she could best help him win th election. Not th same thing. He sure as fuck wasn't thinkin bout Amerika first! He was thinkin bout John McCain first and only.

Th only bright side to this whole shoddy affair, is that, in th midst of this terrible, possible economic catastrophe we're facin, Sara does provide some good guffaws. Ya gotta give her credit fer that! Plenty credit fer plenty laughs.

th cap'm

Subject: What's Th Difference Between Big Biz And You?
Monday, September 29, 2008 3:12 AM

How did all these big companies get away with their shit fer so long and no one ever asked em any questions? Sheeit. I went thru th third degree at my bank on Friday.

I went to my bank to make a withdrawal. It was a sizeable amount, but certainly nothin to get excited about. I mean, when I deposited it in cash, th whole bank didn't go abuzz. Ya didn't hear a forest of whispers, no excited exclamations. No loud gasps! Th teller jus counted it up, put it in my account, gave me a receipt, and said, "Thank You. Have a nice day." ho-hum, while he tried to stifle a yawn.

But sheeit, when I went to withdraw same, you woulda thought I jus asked em fer th keys to Ft. Knox! They told me they didn't keep that kinda cash on hand. I was incredulous!

"Are you kiddin me? What th hell you mean? Yer a Bank! This isn't that much money! This is utterly absurd!"

Hell, I'll bet th local Quik Trip had more cash on hand than I was askin fer. So anyway, I hadda go to another branch. And of course, th teller had to get one of th bank officers to handle this highly sensitive, big-time transaction. Ha ha

After some minutes this young dude approached th window and said he would take care of it, but he told me that I shoulda given em more warning. "Oh gosh!", I said.

"I didn't know I needed to warn ya I wanted my money back."

He said they could give me a cashier's check. It would be a lot faster and easier. I told im not to worry bout it cuz I had plenty of time and I didn't want no steeenking cashiers check!! I wanted th cash back I put in there originally.

So, he left and came back and started countin out my money and while he was doin so, he very casually asked me thru th glass,

"Jus curious, but why do you need this much cash?"

That pisses me off. I jus ignored im. He asked me again,

"So...what do you plan on doin with this much cash? You buyin a car or somthing?"

I ignored him again and was startin to get even more pissed. Then he asked even louder one more time.

"That's quite a lot of cash, I'm just curious, but what do you need that much cash for?"

I told him, but with a very phony, insincere smile, teeth flashin, and with my voice gettin louder by th second,

"Ya know somthin dude, I don't even know yer name. You don't know my name either. We are complete strangers. So.... what I do with MY money isn't reely any of yer concern, is it? After all it is MY money, y'know. It's not yers or this bank's. It's MY money! I jus left it with you guys fer safe keepin. Now, I want it back. In cash. Th same way I put it here. No one asked me any goddamed questions when I deposited it, so where in th hell do you get off gettin into my business now? I didn't ask you what you planned on doin with yer paycheck this weekend, did I? Cus it's none of my business what you do with yer money, is it? So what I do with MY money is none of yer business either, is it!! Do ya get my point?"

By this time, peoples in th neighborhood were lookin around nervously and th security guard perked up. And this whole time he's jus standin there starin at me. Eyes narrowin, not sayin a word. Then he started countin my money out so fast you couldn't even keep up with im. It was pretty impressive; he was reely fast, but I followed im. Ya know, most tellers count it like that to make sure they got it right, and then they count it out fer you much more slowly, so you can see fer yerself th count is right. But he gave me th fast count and then he jus put my license on top and pushed it thru th window, glad to be done with me. Didn't ask if I wanted an envelope or anything. I gave im th hardest look I'm capable of, (oh horrors Ha ha) and proceeded to count it out fer myself there in front of im, takin my sweet-assed time about it. Th Mutherfucker! And I did take my time too. An eight year old kid coulda counted it quicker. Then I said,

"Hmmm, y'know what, I better count this again cuz I'm not sure I got it right. I think ya shorted me a hunnert."

And he said indignantly,

"No sir, I did not. It's all there!"

But I proceeded to count it again, even slower this time. It was reel obvious th punk was gettin pissed. I enjoyed that. Finally, he said in an noticeably annoyed tone,

"Are you satisfied now?"

And I said,

"Nah dude! It's short! Gimme another hunnert!"

Ha ha Ya shoulda seen th look on his face! Oh, it was good. I wish I'd hadda camera at that moment. I jus waved my hand at im dismissively, like ya would an annoyin fly, turned, and walked away.

Ya see how these fuckers treat us? Th small guy. As tho I needed to explain what exactly I was gonna do with my own money?

Th fucker prolly made a mark by my name. Highly suspicious. Subject refused several times any explanation of his plans. Whats he hiding? See, as one of th peon proles, th assholes think they have some kind of right to have you explain yerself. You are under suspicion... but did any one ask Lehman Bros. or any of those other fuckers any godam thing? Nah, hell no! No one asked them shit! They didn't have to splain nothing to nobody!

I have been waitin all weekend fer tomorrow, Monday. I'm gonna go in and close out my account and take cash fer it, and when they ask me why? I'm gonna tell em cuz I don't trust em one fuckin bit. And if they tell me that my money is safe there, makin one crummy percent. I'm gonna say,

"Yeah sure it is!! Jus like Washington Mutual huh? Th biggest bank in th country went down! Ya mean, safe like that?"

th cap'm

Subject: Who Can Explain Such Aberrations In Th Way Of Th World?
Monday, September 29, 2008 1:23 AM

I'm talkin here bout our KC Chiefs. Who were those guys out at Arrowhead? I've never seen em before. Where did they come from? They exhibited all th symptoms of a Professional Football Team. They obviously must not be from around here.

This is a bunch of guys who were only able to put up 32 points on th scoreboard fer th first three games of th season, and then....put up 33 today! A team who've lost their last twelve games in a row finally won a game, against th Denver Broncos, no less!

It's mind-bogglin. I jus don't know what to think any more? Whas goin on? Is there a tear in th fabric of th Universe, or what? Is Mr. Sol gonna come up tomorrow, like he usually does, or are more surprises waitin in th wings? Is th Depression that was schezhuled fer tomorrow been cancelled? I hate it when everything gets this crazy!

th cap'm

P.S. Next thing ya know, th Chinese Commie Bastards will be space-walkin.

Subject: Special Cap'm Pet Consumer Tip
Friday, September 26, 2008 3:42 AM

Hey, looky here, if ya happen to have a doggy or a kitty, and if if ya happen to notice em grazin in th front lawn, ya might wanna take em to th vet, or at least change their diet, cus thas an indication that they're havin digestive problems, ya'dig!

I hope this helps. Good Luck! Let me know how it works out for you.
With Warmest Regards, Th Animals/Birds Friend

th cap'm

P.S. Thanks to th score of ya'll who passed this info on to me, and fer th rest of ya who failed to keep me abrest of this, SHAME! SHAME ON YOU!

Subject: Too Good To Be True, Ya Say?
Friday, September 26, 2008 3:20 AM

Un amigo sent this to me. At first glance it seems like a swell idea.
Check it out.


The Birk Plan

Hi Pals,

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a "We Deserve It" dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults, 18+, into $85 billion, that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It" dividend. Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Moms and Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces. If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion "We Deserve It" dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam. Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,
T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!


Zounds! This sounds like an exellent solution to me. It seems T. J. Birkenmier has gone into some detail here figurin this stuff out, includin yer ultimate after-taxes gain. I find one little flaw in it tho.

Bein th Luddite I am, I don't of course have one of those fancy new electronic calculating machines, so I had to resort to a form of long division I learned in 5th grade. You have to have a pen/pencil and paper to do it this way tho. Somethin a lotta peoples might not be familiar with these days, especially th young ones.

Th dude sez,

"So divide 200 million adults, 18+, into $85 billion, that equals $425,000.00."

See, thas where th problema comes up with me, cuz every time I divide 85,000,000,000 by 200,000,000, I keep coming up with 425 dollars instead of his 425,000! That would change things kinda a lot wouldn't it? Th perfect solution doesn't seem so hot by these calculations, eh?! But hey, does my old antiquated system not work properly anymore? Must I needs go out and purchase one of those devices myself?

Am I wrong? Silly question, eh? Ha ha. Cus we know th odds of that are reel small, don't we, yeah fer sure, but still......

What does yer calculater tell you? And does it speak English? Help!

Which one of us is th fuckin Idiot here? Me or th Birk Man? Gosh, I hope it isn't me again.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Cats, Grass, Eat
Thursday, September 25, 2008 5:16 PM

Well evidently, from responses I received, I must be th only person in N. Amerika who didn't know cats eat grass.

I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Oh woe,
I'm a Bad Person.
Forgive me.

th cap'm

Subject: Doom and Gloom
Thursday, September 25, 2008 4:56 PM

Is it not utterly incredible that less than two weeks ago, ya could watch two economists arguin about whether we were, in fact, in a recession or not? A Recession?! And earlier, on th very day all this shit came down, you had John McCain standin there reassurin us that, "the fundamentals of th econmy are strong".

Now.... they tell us we are about to drop in to a DEPRESSION, th equal of, if not worse, than The Great Depression, which lasted 10 years.

They also tell us we must act Now, right this fucking minute, to give to them unparalleled powers to dole out 700 billion dollars to bail out th same, greedy mutherfuckers who got us into this mess in th first place! And furthermore, jus in case ya might harbor a litle resentment about that, they tell us if we don't bail em out; it will be even worse! It is absolutely sickening! I'm thinkin calls fer Revolution came 40 years too early.

Comin off some of th greatest natural disasters we've ever seen, i.e. Katrina, ragin fires throughout th West, Ike, th financial drain of two wars we're fightin simultaneously, and now, total economic melt down, I jus hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. That'd be th last straw!

th cap'm

P.S. Hope ya have a nice day!
(It may be th last nice day ya have fer a long time)

Subject: Another Nite On Th Avenue
Thursday, September 25, 2008 6:05 AM

I had a good friend ask me last nite if I had gone to th Plaza Art Fair over th weekend? I was a little surprised cus he's not exactly what ya'd call an "artist type". I said,

"Nah, I didn't make it. Was it any good? Did'ja see anything ya liked?"

He snorted and said,

"Did I? Hell yeah man! It was great. There was more tail than ya could shake a stick at!!"

followed by a hearty guffaw!

Like I said, he's not reely an, "artist type".

Aw'right... so like, back to th tavern. After my art lovin amigo left, I got to rappin with this gurl. Check this; she was tellin me that her cat liked to eat grass! Ha ha. Kinda unusual wouldn't ya say? I mean, like, have ya ever seen a herd of grass grazin cats, slowly chewin their way across th prairie? Me neither.

Then, after that conversation, I moved off over into th corner searchin fer some lyrics to my new country and western song. Right now, all I got is th title,

"Mama, don't let yer boys grow up to eat sushi!"

And I made some moves with an associate to get a bumper sticker printed up especially geared towards those tail-gaters.

"Caution, Ruffian on board!"

Man, I bet that'll make em back off, huh!

While I was sittin there, goin thru th details of my new Empire, tryin to figure how I'm gonna spend all that jack, a buddy tole me he saw my letter to th editor. He didn't agree with my sentiments. Like, today th Star published my letter about our goofy fuckin mayor and his equally goofy fuckin unpaid-volunteer-wife-assistant. I have been silent on this issue long enuff. Finally, th smolderin volcano within erupted. Yeah see, it's like I told that Judge back in '62.

"Well Yer Honor, ya can keep me from votin, but ya can't shut me up! I will speak out on th beaches, I will speak out on th streets, I will speak out door to door if necessary, but I will never shut up. Nevah


And then as they drug me back to my cage, I yelled out,

"Power to th Peoples!"

and trust my fist skyward, not reely knowin why I had said that, or why I did th fist thing? It jus seemed apropos at th time, y'know what I mean?! But then, jus a few short years later, I noticed a lotsa peoples doin that, and I said to myself,

"Hey, whoa here! Whas up with that shit? Thas my bit!"

I wanted to sue th Hippies, but my “lip” told me it wouldn't fly. Sheeit! Ripped off once again. And talkin bout ripped off!? Like, I remember back in '51, when I was a kid in th 5th grade in Dayton, Ohio, and I sent off fer some of those X-Ray Vision glasses, y'know, that were advertised in th back of every comik book? Y'member those? You could see thru walls with em.... or mebbe even through some gurls clothes, if ya were so inclined towards that sorta thing. But, ju know wat? It was a total rip-off! No jive! Yu couldn't see thru nothin. I don't know bout no walls, but ya sure as fuck couldn't see thru any clothes. Sheeit.
Man, I was aggravated. Thas when I first started th Truth In Advertising Council Of South Smithville. I was th champion of No More Rip-offs and a kinda community organizer. I implemented a plan where made guys (and associates) in th Gumer St. Gangsters had to ante up a penny a week fer th cause. Some of those mooks even tried to refused to pay up, claimin they wanted more transparency. My first reaction to that was,

"Say what? Transparency? What th fuck youse talkin bout?" ('youse', Yankee fer 'ya'll')

Well, with out goin into any unnecessary details, lemme jus say that, after some discussions and exchanges of ideas with Fat Rossie, they eventually realized their errant ways, and in no time, those pennies were flowin into th coffers.

Dammit, I seem to have veered off course a bit, huh, well sheeit, but anyway, all in all, jus another day in Th Saga.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Th Economy
Saturday, September 20, 2008 3:59 PM

John McCain jus this past week said, once again, I might add, that even tho things might look bad,

"The fundamentals of the economy are strong."

Ha ha Whew! Oh mercy! Man I was gettin worried there fer a while. I believe that John McCain's mind right now, is at about th same level as Ronald Reagan's was in th last year of his Presidency. Y'know, like, fadin fast!

Altho he was taken to task fer that utterly ridiculous remark, even as th economy was implodin, he later tried to clarify his statement by claimin that by, "fundamentals", he meant th industrious, hard workin, high productivity of th Amerikan worker.

Ha ha Yeah right! Oh fuck! Once again, ya gotta snicker at even his clumsy attempt to clean up th mess everytime he opens his mouth! Yep, sure! Th 1st rate Amerikan worker is gonna pull us thru this economic crisis. So, don't fret boyz n gurlz; th Spirit of th Amerikan Worker will see us through.

Well, yeah, that and about 700 BILLION dollars. Maybe!

th cap'm

Subject: Our Fucking Narcissitic Mayors
Friday, September 19, 2008 4:54 PM

I spose ya'll read in today's paper or heard on th news that our Mayor has vetoed th City Council Resolution placin restrictions on volunteer assistants in public office, y'know, like, his unelected, unqualified wife, who has become de facto Co-Mayor! This in spite of a unanimous vote by them to do so. He had not one single vote of support cept his own.

Th sexual harassment lawsuit filed against him, his wife, and th city itself by a former assistant is only th latest in a series of embarrassin incidents created by Gloria.

Th Mayor sez in defense of his wife,

"I love my wife...For 30 years she has been the emotional anchor of my life. Everything good I have is because of her."

Well, BIG FUCKING DEAL! So, he loves his wife. Lotsa guys love their wives; that doesn't mean they take em to work with em every day! That doesn't mean they let their wives help em conduct their business.

What if th CEO of a large Corp. had his wife, who even tho an unpaid volunteer, advisin him on how to run th company and th Board of Directors told im they didn't think it was appropriate; that she wasn't reely qualified to run a large company, and he over ruled them. What do ya think th reaction would be among th Board and th stockholders. Well, it would be Outrage, followed by Mutiny. Thas what we got here!

What if a Coach of a Pro team, like, consider fr'instance, if say Herm Edwards had his wife standin there on th sidelines, unpaid, but givin him advice on what play to run next; whadda ya think would happen? OK, aw'right, I know, bad analogy, cuz in that particular case, it might be a Good Thing, Ha ha, but ya know what I'm gettin at!

Again in defense of th little lady he sez,

"In a world where political sex scandals get the most play, a loving couple working together is made light of and is made to seem inappropriate and even weird."

He jus seems oblivious to th fact th peoples of Kansas City didn't elect his wife to th Office too! And it seems he doesn't see th connection of th sexual harassment lawsuit, th latest confrontation ignited by his loving wife, as bein a sex scandal of sorts. I guess jus cuz she didn't get caught boinkin a monkey in th closet, this is not a sex scandal. These two assholes piss me off worse than a bucketful of bicyclists!!

Below is th letter I sent to th Star, re: th two assholes.

th cap'm



Our Mayor, with his stubborn, petulant, childish, ego-maniacal attitude towards his job, has proven once again that he is completely too immature to lead this city. He's like a little spoiled brat kid who says, " IT'S MY BALL AND I CAN PLAY ANY WAY I WANT!" The Mayor's job calls for an Adult!
The people of this city did not elect his wife to be Co-Mayor. Their duo has brought more embarrassment to this city than any one could have ever imagined.
Mr. Mayor, since you agree that you can't do your job without her advice and recommendations, and since not a single person on the City Council, agrees with you, nor do they want this totally unqualified person conducting city business by proxy, I strongly suggest that you guys fold your tent and retire from any kind of public office and take up another Hobby? Take a hike! Or take up crocheting. Any thing! Just go away and play someplace else, so the adults of this city can take care of business!!


Subject: re: ike. gougin mutherfuckers
Tuesday, September 16, 2008 3:08 PM

My ex-wife called me earlier. she was in huntsville, tx. when she finally found a gas station open, it was NINE FUCKING DOLLARS A GALLON.

that kinda shit oughta be a crime!!!!!

th cap'm

p.s. barring any assistance from th authorities, an after hours Molotov cocktail would be apropos for greedy bastards like that.

Subject: Heat Up Some Tar And Gather Up Some Feathers, And Slick Up Those Rails
Monday, September 15, 2008 2:25 AM

This flim-flam has gone on long enuff! It's time to clean house at Arrowhead. Starting with fucking Carl Peterson and his never-endin, Eternal Five-Year plans, fuckin Boring-Assed Herm Edwards, and worthless Gunther Cunningham! Dinosaurs, all of em! Where's a comet when ya need it?

Sheeit Chief's fans, if ya thought last year's record of 4-12 was bad, stick around if ya can stomach it, cuz this years gonna make ya yearn fer those good ol days when we could win four fucking games! Herm Edwards! What a fuckin coachin joke!!! Who else but Herm would would even consider runnin his team with a quarterback-by-committee strategy?

Sheeit! It's embarrassin! Has ANY ONE ever done that before? I mean; with th quarterbacks? Did he think he was gonna confuse th other team more than his own team's confusion? How long are we gonna have to put up with Herm's broken down, outdated, obsolete, boring, and jus plain stupid Football Philosophy, before th Deciders tells im to take a hike? How far down into th ground are they gonna let him grind this team, before they wake up and take a look at what he's turned em into in jus two years? Send im packin tomorrow and fill his position with th Village Idiot, so we can at least have a little Hope fer th rest of th season.

Godam, but it's disgusting.

th cap'm, Sports Guru At Large

P.S. Hey, and speakin of football, did'ja watch th Denver and San Diego game? Now, thas what a football game should look like! Tension, Suspense, Action, on th Edge Of Yer Seat Excitement throughout th entire game right up til th last second! Reminded me of what th Chiefs use'ta look like back in th olden days, y'know, like three years ago, BH. (Before Herm)

Subject: Important Info RE: Photos
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 5:29 PM

I jus received an inquiry from a buddy of mine a few minutes ago citing some photos I've sent out recently and wantin to know, in a surly, churlish kinda way, why he can't send me pics, but I can send em to him?

Well, sheeit! Ok, ya'll, lemme go over this one more time. I jus wanna remind ya again that my primitive, obsolete WebTv system, whose target audience are prolly 7-9 years old, is of extremely limited capacity, and has filled up a lot faster under this new nic, than previously. Therefore I would appreciate it, if when sending photos, you delete me from them, as they cause my mail-box to be full, preventin me from readin yers and other's bilge, and I do enjoy yer bilge too.

Reely, I do.

Now, of course this doesn't mean I can't send you photos, aw'right, cuz all you cats are 'hep', and 'with it', and have computers, and so, photos don't affect yer system at all. It jus means ya can't send me any! See how it works. I can; you can't!

It's kinda like, Me, Me, Me!

th cap'm

P.S. Even tho I preceded even th Baby Boomer Generation, I kinda like to think I was a precursor, if ya will, in th Vanguard of th ME Generation. A voyager, into th psyche of a future generation, who became known fer their seriously selfish ways of lookin at things, as in, "Ferget th kids and Jesus; is it Good fer ME?"

Subject: All Vehicles Are Not Created Equal: Ad Nauseum
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 1:53 PM

(Editor's note: If you ride a bicycle, take a pass on this one. For everyone else, there's nothing here you haven't heard from th Captain many times before, to the point where you are just sick of it, so unless you're bored out of your mind, I suggest you just skip this!)

Aw'right, I know peoples get tired of this rant of mine about our bicyclist “friends,” but sheeit, I get so pissed off whenever I read another whinin letter to th editor from some disgruntled bicyclist about th rude and disrespectful treatment they get from motorists. They never fail to point out their favorite mantra that they are considered "vehicles" too, and are therefore entitled to th road to th same degree as motorized vehicles. Sheeeit! Who ever in th fuck wrote that ordinance oughta be committed to some kind of mental institution, where they could get some help. If those same morons decided to call other kinds of toys "vehicles" I'll bet ya bicyclist would be howlin in protests too at th absurdity of "sharin" that road with skateboarders and roller-bladers, and kids on those little foot powered scooters.

And this whole "vehicle" thing! Ya can't do any of th things in a motor vehicle, or a motorcycle either, that ya can do with impunity on a bicycle 'vehicle'. Why, pray tell, don't cops write tickets fer bicyclists who violate traffic laws? No one on a bicycle ever gets a ticket. Fer any godam thing! Spend a week in Municipal Court, and ya won't see even one single instance where a bicyclist got a ticket. Not one! Is that becuz they are such sticklers fer th Rules Of The Road? FUCK NO! Au contraire, they simply know cops aren't gonna write em a ticker fer any godam thing.

Sheet, there's not one out of a hundred of em who believe they need to adhere to any of th basic traffic rules, i.e. stoppin at stop lights, stop signs, one way streets, ridin against th traffic, etc, that would get a motorized vehicle a ticket in a New Yawk second, cuz they know it ain't gonna happen!

Bikes that regularly travel at a wobbly 8-10 mph have no business bein on th same street with cars doin 35 and more! It's absurd. It's a recipe fer a tragedy. There's a good reason why there is a minimum speed limit of 45 mph on th highway when most other vehicles are doin 55-70. They create hazardous situations! It's so blatantly obvious that it doesn't even need explainin. Get outta th fuckin way or get run over! No one would suggest that ya allow cars to go 25 mph on a highway. So, why in th fuck is it so hard fer bicyclists to see th same parallels in mixin cars and bikes on th same streets with their obviously disparate speeds?

I was drivin through th Plaza today, and saw a bicyclist ridin down a crowded sidewalk, weavin in and out of th pedestrians, rappin on his cell phone. Th dumb fuck! On th other side of th street, another bicyclist, this one in th street, ridin against th traffic, on his phone too. Both of these jerks completely oblivious that they were doin anything wrong, cuz to their way of thinkin, they weren't! It's called, "The Way Of The Bike". Scores of po-lice in th area around for th McCain visit didn't even glance at em. Typical behavior fer both groups.
They don't havta worry bout silly little laws. They're Bicyclists. They don't get tickets for ANYFUCKINTHING! OK! So, stifle yer urge to run em into a brick wall. Resist that impulse to slowly, gradually nudge em into th curb. Don't waste yer energy hurlin that half bottle of Mad Dog at em. Hey! Show em some proper Respect, OK, cuz

They're vehicles too!!

th cap'm

P.S. Sometimes I dream of a Utopia, where Peace and Harmony reign. Where everyone has a job that pays wages one can live on. Where every one has Health Care and Education is Free and available to everyone. Where politicians are honest. (now thas a stretch, eh?) A place where it's always Springtime and Possession and Use of a Bicycle is a Capitol crime. Sigh!

Subject: What Our Cell Phones Can do (th cap'm explodes another consumer myth
Saturday, September 6, 2008 3:17 PM

Perhaps you have received this before from one of yer well-meaning friends. Some things may be true, but I kinda doubt it. I think it's mostly bullshit. I don't know bout th rest, but forget trying to open your car with your cell phone!! Absolutely will not work. Try it some time. Snopes will confirm that.

I'm pretty sure # 3 is a crock too. Wouldn't one think th peoples who sold you th phone might have mentioned that little fact. Just in case yer in an emergency situation.

Like, yer stranded out in th middle of th Sahara, It's hot, Th blazin sun is fryin ya to a crisp. Yer thirsty! Ya want a cold coke. But, ya don't have any idea where to stagger? Ya first try and dial that all purpose emergency number, but, sheeit, yer battery is dead. But, wait, no problema, cus ya have your reserve battery.

Ha ha Jokes on you cuz there isn't any reserve juice there no matter what kinds of codes ya use. In other words, yer shit out of luck cuz yer in th middle of th Sahara and ya can't find a coke to save your life!

But...I could be wrong! Ha ha

P.S. I had to chuckle at that, cuz ya know I was jus bein facetious. Y'know...bout bein wrong and all. Th concept is amusin, eh?


"Received this from my former daughter-in-law and I think it's true, because the entire progression of senders was included; it started with an e-mail from a guy in the Montgomery Police Department. (this little personal note' is intended to add "authenticity" to th BS. cd)



There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST -- Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

(i dunno fer sure, but this sounds like some of that bullshit I mentioned earlier. cd)

SECOND--Keys Locked in Car

Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If You lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the Trunk).

Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!

(i don't know who this "Editor" is, but I can tell ya in all confidence, that th mutherfucker is full of shit cd)

THIRD--Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

(Ha ha sheeit. i wouldn't count on it. cd)

FOURTH--How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

(i hardly think ya need to give yer service provider this info in order fer them to disable yer phone. i think they prolly already know how to do that. Ha ha cd)

And Finally....

FIFTH--Free Directory Service for Cells

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

(years ago i was able to get free 411 info, but th catch was ya, had to listen to a couple minutes of advertisements first. i don't remember what i did to access it now tho. cd)

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.

(this would be true, if it wasn't jus so much bullshit, and a complete waste of yer time. cd)


So, once again, th cap'm is there fer ya, separatin th wheat from th bullshit.

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: oh, what?
Thursday, September 4, 2008 12:59 PM

this is from my friend jannell. she is a gifted writer. i don't even remember how we got connected originally, but she has been on my e-mail list for many years now, and i always enviously enjoy her scribblings. i'm sure you will too.


From: Janell Cress <>
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2008 07:04:27 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: oh, what?

you wanted to click on a link today? but what link? where are the links. well, here is one. you can click on this one, if you'd like. really, it's going to be a bonanza of link-clicking--because once you click on this link, you can click on another link, specifically one for a story called "his big adventure." you might remember this story or you might not; regardless, your overwhelming desire to click links will have been in part satiated. and thank fuck for that. i was getting worried.

with my very fondest regards,


Subject: Bubble Gum, Baseball, Spittin, Th Meaning Of Life, Gurlz, Pedestrians
Tuesday, September 2, 2008 4:30 PM

A couple of nights ago, I wuz ensconced there on my stool, slurpin my brews, glancin at th TV from time to time. There was a baseball game on; I don't know who wuz playin, I wasn't payin that much attention, but I did notice this dude, one of th managers, and it was a crucial situation, and so th camera had zoomed in on his face for a closeup, so we could see th consternation there..... the tension, y' know, all that shit..... and this guy wuz chewin bubble gum and slowly blowin a big bubble as he intently watched th action. And th bubble popped and he started another one.

And then they showed some of his players.... in th dugout....same deal... th closeup.... and they were all chewin bubble gum and blowin bubbles.....and then th opposing manager and their team, alla em blowin bubbles, and I thought,

"What th Fuck!!"

These mus be th only adults in Amerika still chewin bubble gum, and blowin bubbles to boot. Why? Whut is it about baseball that motivates grown men to chew bubble gum and blow bubbles? Is it a tension relieving device? Haven't they ever heard of Booze, Prozac, Demerol, Oxy-Contin, et al?

I mean, they don't do this in other sports. Like, Sonny Liston never blowed no steenking bubbles. Football players don't stand on th side lines chewin bubble gum! Coach Bobby Knight; he don't stand around chewin no fuckin bubble gum!! Ya ever see him standin on the sidelines, watchin the action on the court....blowin bubbles?? Nah! I don't think so!! Ya ever see Tiger Woods, standin there blowin a big bubble jus before he rips of a spectacular drive? Sheeit no! So what gives with these punk-ass baseball players?

And they spit a lot too! Nasty. Ya'ever notice that? All th dudes who aren't blowin bubbles are standin there spittin all over th place. Now, we use'ta do that a lot when I was a kid, mind you. I don't know why; we jes did! When ya were a young guy in the '40s and '50s, y'know, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old, struttin down the avenue, with yer arm draped over yer best buddy's shoulder, spitting alla time. phftt here, phftt there, phftt phfft everywhere, y'know, yew were Cool!

At least us guys did it...... I don't think those Gurls got into that very much. They prolly thought it was "Oh, Gross!" or somthin, who knows? Or, they were too busy playin hop-scotch or jumpin rope, or seein who could squeal th loudest, or what ever other silly thing gurls did back then? (well, who can explain such critters, eh? haha) I guess it wuz cuz we wuz "young and dumb" as the sayin goes.

But then....we got a bit older..... and took another look at those silly gurls, hmmmm...we got to thinkin....there may be more here than meets th eye.

Perhaps we were too hasty in our assessments? There's somthin about em thas kinda appealin, eh! So we put on our long pants....and put away our childish things; our marbles, yo-yo's, bubble gum, and our bicycles*, etc. and quit spittin all over the place, cus those things didn't seem to impress em much. I mean, sheeit, ya could be th best marble shooter in yer school and spit farther than any one else on th block, but it didn't mean 'squat' to those gurlies. I tell ya this from personal experience.

And so we started combin our hair a lot instead; y'know, standin there in front of th mirror, pelvis thrust forward, heavy on th Brylcream, slicking it back into a DA. For ya young pipples, that's a "Duck's Ass" a style of hair much favored by the JD's (juvenile delinquents) of the day. Yer hair took an awful lot of groomin to keep it....y'know, just so.

OK, so back to these baseball players; what's their excuse, huh? Oh I know, some of em chew tobaccy and all, but, hail, whut about the rest of em? Sheeit. They jus spit fer th fuck of it. Nasty habit. Whyn't they jus take up smokin or somthin?

Now, being an older, mature, more responsible type of individual, (And please. No outbursts here or I will have to bring these proceedings to a close) these kind of perplexin questions puzzle me, as I ponder The MEANING OF IT ALL, and like, where does all this spittin and bubble gum blowin figure in the equation? Whut does it all mean? (of course 'Mr. Natural' would say, "It don't mean sheeit" but hell, he would say that bout anything)

And speakin of The Meaning Of It All, altho I have made much Progress in this field, keep in mind there's still a lot of work to be done before I unravel this Mystery, and lay th Final Answer on ya, but, I could use a little fuckin help from time to time, ya know whut I mean? But then some cat sez to me,

"Sheeit, cap'm, that ain't no hill fer a Stepper such as yer own damn bad self."

Aw'right! Hey, never mind! OK, OK, I get it. Once again, I'm on my own.

Forget I even mentioned it. I know yer busy tryin to maintain yer Niche, and all, and ya don't got a lot of spare time to be wastin it on stuff like this, so I'll just trod along silently, uncomplainingly and Solo in my continuing and lonely efforts to move th Species up a notch. Whut th hell, no one ever said bein a Guru and Guardian Of Th Peoples would be easy, eh?!

So... I must be away now, cuz there are issues which require my immediate attention. I jus got a report of a Pedestrian makin an un-authorised crossing down in the Plaza district. Subject reported to be a known Serial Jaywalker and sometimes "Spitter". Should I apprehend this perp, I can assure you, Justice will be swift and final. I know, I know, but if I don't do it; Who will, pray tell?

Cuz th Authorities seemed to have turned a blind eye to these Law Flaunting hooligans. And when Government fails to protect it's citizens, it then becomes th duty of th citizen to assume Government's role, and act on his own. And as ya all know, I have always been a Respecter of Authority and a Model Law Abiding Citizen, so it grieves me to witness their outrageous, blatant disregard of th Law.

Fer my part; what I have done is; I have retro-fitted my ride with giant tractor-like steel tipped tires, makin it an excellent Anti/Pedestrian/Bicyclist Disposal Vehicle, plus it has th added benefit of makin winter drivin easier too.

El Capitano De Los Vigilantes

* Bicyclist, take note. We, "put away our childish things." i.e. like, our fuckin bicyles fr'instance, ya dig?

P.S. Why doesn't my dictionary have a defintion fer, "brobdinagian"?

Subject: My Communications System Monitored??
Monday, September 1, 2008 6:28 PM

Some mook had his pick-up truuuck parked in front of my house fer th last ten days. Of course, it's a public street so any one can park there, but yer not supposed to leave yer vehicle there fer ten fookin days. So, I said, "Fuck it" and dropped a dime on im. I called th City Traffic Division to have em put a notice on his car to move it, or be towed.

I was on hold fer twenty minutes before I spoke to a Human. And, in spite of th fact their automaton keep tellin me over and over how important my call was, after about th tenth time, I began to doubt his sincerity. Finally, I was able to explain th situation to th aforementioned Human Person, and after several minutes of explainin th traumatic stress and all I had been exposed to, was told they would have some one look into it. Cool!

So, I returned to my sofa where I live, when I'm not in th saloon. And then, I swear, not two steeenking minutes later, I heard th rumble of that truck startin up, and when I looked out th window, he was pullin away. Been there fer ten fuckin days, and within two minutes of my call he's gone. Sheeit. I spent roughly a half-hour makin my complaint, and fer naught. Now I had to spend another twenty minutes cancellin my complaint.

Y'can plainly see whas goin on here, can't ya? He was tipped off. Obviously, what happened was that, in Maryland, somewhere deep in th bowels of th earth at a top secret NSA monitorin station, a highly encrypted message was sent out to Agent Lothar, who was obviously noting my comings and goings.

"Cover blown. Silver Fox is loose. Flee! Flee away as fast as you can."

(By th way, don't give me any shit over my secret code named, "Th Silver Fox"
OK! Cuz I'm not th one who so classified me thusly. You'll havta speak to Lothar's bosses fer that answer)

And so that cur got away, before th long arm of City Traffic Control could nab im! And ya know what? I know whose behind this whole nefarious plot. And oddly enuff, this time it's not Dick Nixon. Nope, this time it's another Dick, and he's an even bigger asshole than th other Dick. Two dicks, two assholes, and not a ball between em! Hard to believe, ya say? But, it's true! And becus this individual is th most powerful person in th world, I can't reveal his name, but I'll give ya a clue. His initials are, VPDC.

Th next time Agent Lothar leaves his truck in front of my crib fer ten days, I'm gonna leave a message fer him on his truuck wih my key that sez, "No Parking!"

th cap'm

Subject: Change
Saturday, August 30, 2008 4:42 PM

About every six months or so my son comes to visit from St. Louie. This is good on several layers, cus while it's always a pleasure to get to spend some time with him, it also forces me to try and transform my crib into something that a Human might dwell in.

I have six days to accomplish this. I began Operation Clean House earlier today with an assault on th bathroom. It went well too. Altho resistance was stiff, in th end, I prevailed. This was a kinda warm-up to th big event, Operation Big Kahuna, th Final Assault on La Cocina; fer ya non-Español speakin peoples, that would be th kitchen. Th forces of Dirt and Grime are firmly entrenched there, but I plan a two-day campaign to vanquish them. If necessary, I will call up th reserves, but I will prevail.

And in spite of what some of my critics allege: I am up fer th job! While it's true,
my experience is limited in this field, but I am committed to bringin about th change that is so obviously needed. I can do eeet!

th cap'm

P.S. Jus fer yer own info, I tried an old incantation out I had heard about.
"Out Damned Spot! Out!"
Don't waste yer time, it don't work!!

Subject: Obama Acceptance Speech
Saturday, August 30, 2008 1:33 PM

Say what you will, disagree if you want, but I CANNOT see how Anybody could not be greatly impressed and inspired by th Senator's acceptance speech. It was a tour de force performance. All, and more, than one could ask for from a Presidential nominee.

Th man has so much Charisma! He exudes it. I cannot watch him without feeling a certain Pride in our country which I haven't felt for a long time. I know his wife said that, and caught a lotta flack for it too, but I think she was only voicing out loud what a lot of us feel. I cannot remember a time, or an incident in th last eight years of th present regime, which aroused that kind of Pride. Jus th opposite in fact! I have felt mostly Shame and Disdain at th way we have conducted, not only our foreign policies, but domestic also, of this Royal Presidency. We have squandered our Good Will in th world; alienated even our closet allies, while inflaming our enemies to even greater hatred with our disastrous foreign policies.

Godammit, ENUFF!

And I do see actual Change, not jus rhetoric, coming from Barack Obama's Adminstration and I suspect that President Obama will go down in our History as one of our finest Presidents! I wish I was around in fifty years so I could say,


th cap'm

Subject: Th Birdmen Of Berdoo: Good Times! Sigh!
Saturday, August 30, 2008 12:50 PM

Back in th late ‘50s, if ya were havin a party in San Bernardino, (Berdoo) Calif. th last thing ya wanted to happen was havin yer party crashed by 20-30 hooligans wearin th Condor colors. (a "social organization" I was mobbed up with) Things were about to get lively, cuz.... We were BAD!

On th other hand, there was that other faction at school who would say with glee Monday morning,

"Man it was a bitchin party! There were a whole bunch of Condors there! Like, wow, it was cool."

All in th eyes of th beholder I guess, huh?

th cap'm

Subject: By Popular Demand: Another Pic Of MYSELF (scroll down)
Thursday, August 28, 2008 12:41 PM

Yesterday, I sent out a photo of myself, th barmaid, and th owner of th joint I quaff my brews in, Mikes Tavern at 54th and Troost. I had a number of responses, which fer some reason all centered on Ms Laura, y'know, like mostly requests fer her e-mail addy, and stuff like that. I'm goin,

"Hey, what about ME? Remember ME? I was in th picture too!"

But nahh, they all wanted more info about her. Sheeit, I might as well have cut myself right outta th whole darn thing. But, I did have one person write to me, "That was a good picture of you."

So.... fer that person, I'm sendin this one out too. And I'm sorry, but this one happens to have Laura in it also. Sometimes she can be such a pest, y'know, always clingin and everything, y'know how those beautiful young gurls can be.

Ya'd think one would get used to that sorta thing after all these years, but, well.....below th surface, I'm still that shy, bashful kid, who used to like birdwatchin.

And ya never know around this place! I still get th jitters sometimes when walkin down th dark hallway to th john, never knowin when one of these critters may leapt outta th darkness, and wanna hug ya, or somethin else, if y'know what I mean. Thas why I always carry my CSI super flash-light with me on those journeys, so I can always be prepared. Viagra helps too.

Lookin at this pic and comparin it to th other; whadda'ya think. Do ya think this is a better pic of ME, than th other one of ME? What do ya think of this pic of ME, ME, ME?

th cap'm

Subject: Psst. Whadda'ya got?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:56 PM

Do ya recall, how on numerous occasions I have mentioned how th loony-tunes, weirdos, nutballs and other assorted mentally deranged riff-raff always find their way to me. I have wondered about this fer a long time, and have never reely understood th reasons fer it. It jus happens! And not jus every now and then, but all th time.

Like, today, I was crusin up N. Oak Trafficway, to have some Flowmaster mufflers put on my car, mindin my own business, when a white van pulled alongside me and began honkin his horn and motionin me to roll down my window. I was a bit confused cuz I was sure I hadn't rum im off th road or anything. So, I rolled down th passenger window and there were two scraggily lookin hombres, looked like desperados, and th driver was yellin somethin at me. I slowed down and he wanted to know if I wanted to buy a brand new Home Entertainment System, still in th box, cost two thousand bucks; they'd let me have it fer a $150 dollars. Thas quite a discount, eh?! I told em I was late fer an appointment, but if they gave me a phone number I might get back with em. They weren't goin fer no telephone exchange. Ha ha

They wanted me to pull over so I could take a look at it. If I hadn't had so much money on me at th time, I mighta done so, but they didn't strike me as reputable Home Entertainment System Associates. I saw what seemed like a possibility, of filin a Po-lice report, describin my vehicle and th two thieves, and of tryin to get a cab back home, telling th driver I'd pay im when we got there, since I'd jus been relieved of all my cash.

So, I took an El Paso!

I'm jus drivin down th street, y'unnerstan? I don't have a big sign on my car that sez,

"Lookin fer a, "hot deal", wink, wink, on a Home Entertainment System. Honk if yer holdin!"

So....why me? I ask, once again fer th umpteenth time?

th cap'm

Subject: Which one is Joe D?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 5:06 PM

Decide which individual above is Joe Dreck and win nothing.

Subject: Hillary's Speech Last Nite
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:20 PM

I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at th content and delivery of her speech last nite. I reely wasn't expectin to hear her sound so positive. I thought she showed a lot of class. She certainly picked up some points in my book, becuz I didn't like th way she ran her campaign at all. It seemed to me like Bill's fingerprints were all over th crime scene.

It's a shame she has th albatross of her husband hangin off her neck. Personally, I think she shoulda ditched th scumbag a long time ago, cus otherwise, I think Obama would have been glad to have her as his VP. Together, they would have made a formidable team. But how could you deal with that ego-maniacal Bozo inserting himself in every issue. I also think that he did her campaign much more harm than good. I think, as close as it was, she mighta won if he had jus stayed home, and mebbe baked some cookies or somthin., we'll see if hubby, "Butthole Billy", can stifle his big ego fer jus a bit. Frankly, I'm not sure he can do it.

th cap'm

Subject: Unleashin Th Dogs Of Cliches
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:44 AM

Is it possible fer any political pundit, news anchor, interviewer, talkin head, y'know, what ever, to try and explain to us ignernt clodhoppers any thing about politics without usin a sports metaphor?

"He/she has to hit a home run!"

Or mebbe,

"Th Obama team is going to have to start playing smash-mouth offense here if they expect to stay within a one possession game."

"That was a slam dunk for the McCain camp."

"They need a hole in one here to put them back in the race."

Yeah, it's like they say in cricket; "A good offense beats a good defense any day."

"Yeah Bob, they're gonna have to rush the net if they expect to stay competitive."

"Yeah Irv, but this campaign is going to be won in the trenches, where the campaign volunteers are going to slug it out, toe to toe, lookin for a knockout punch."

"Well Keith, you know Sandy Koufax took a couple years before he developed his fast ball. These things take time. But I think Obama has proven he's got th arm. Now all he's gotta do is learn th control."

Sheeit! Watch any show ya want to; pay attention. Every fuckin one of em does it.

I was watchin Andrea Mitchell; ya know who she is! And she was talking about somebody havin, "to run the table". This cracks me up. Cuz of course, thas a pool expression, meanin literally, to pocket all th remainin balls without missin a shot. Ha ha sheeit! Do ya reely think Andrea Mitchell shoots a lotta pool and actually has any idea what th fuck that reely means?

And besides th sports metaphors there's th war, military jargon, which is even more prominent than th sports. They are so common and pervasive, that, unless ya reely listen and pay attention, they'll slip right by ya, and ya won't even notice em.

"It's time to bring out th heavy artillery."

"This looks like another case where McCain's plane gets shot down."

On and on, ad naueseum. I jus can't help but wonder how in th world they could describe to us what's happenin, without relyin on those two genres, th oh so trite, over used, lame, cliched expressions that they throw at us, game after game, week after week, year after year....and.... well ya can see where i'm goin here, can't ya, tryin to over come their fortress-like mentality with a flankin maneuver.
Then bring in th heavy guns to finish em off.

th cap'm

P.S. And if I never hear, "We will, we will, Rock ya!" by Queen again, five-six times durin a football game, well that would be a start, at least, towards a more perfect Tomorrow of Peace and Harmony. Providin of course that we track down all former fans of these Assholes and neuter em, so they can't pollute th gene pool any further.


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