joe dreck
Aug. 29, 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, knows the feeling of being
in a photo and not being seen.

Subject: By Popular Demand: Another Pic Of MYSELF (scroll down)
Thursday, August 28, 2008 12:41 PM

Yesterday, I sent out a photo of myself, th barmaid, and th owner of th joint I quaff my brews in, Mikes Tavern at 54th and Troost. I had a number of responses, which fer some reason all centered on Ms Laura, y'know, like mostly requests fer her e-mail addy, and stuff like that. I'm goin,

"Hey, what about ME? Remember ME? I was in th picture too!"

But nahh, they all wanted more info about her. Sheeit, I might as well have cut myself right outta th whole darn thing. But, I did have one person write to me, "That was a good picture of you."

So.... fer that person, I'm sendin this one out too. And I'm sorry, but this one happens to have Laura in it also. Sometimes she can be such a pest, y'know, always clingin and everything, y'know how those beautiful young gurls can be.

Ya'd think one would get used to that sorta thing after all these years, but, well.....below th surface, I'm still that shy, bashful kid, who used to like birdwatchin.

And ya never know around this place! I still get th jitters sometimes when walkin down th dark hallway to th john, never knowin when one of these critters may leapt outta th darkness, and wanna hug ya, or somethin else, if y'know what I mean. Thas why I always carry my CSI super flash-light with me on those journeys, so I can always be prepared. Viagra helps too.

Lookin at this pic and comparin it to th other; whadda'ya think. Do ya think this is a better pic of ME, than th other one of ME? What do ya think of this pic of ME, ME, ME?

th cap'm

Subject: Psst. Whadda'ya got?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 6:56 PM

Do ya recall, how on numerous occasions I have mentioned how th loony-tunes, weirdos, nutballs and other assorted mentally deranged riff-raff always find their way to me. I have wondered about this fer a long time, and have never reely understood th reasons fer it. It jus happens! And not jus every now and then, but all th time.

Like, today, I was crusin up N. Oak Trafficway, to have some Flowmaster mufflers put on my car, mindin my own business, when a white van pulled alongside me and began honkin his horn and motionin me to roll down my window. I was a bit confused cuz I was sure I hadn't rum im off th road or anything. So, I rolled down th passenger window and there were two scraggily lookin hombres, looked like desperados, and th driver was yellin somethin at me. I slowed down and he wanted to know if I wanted to buy a brand new Home Entertainment System, still in th box, cost two thousand bucks; they'd let me have it fer a $150 dollars. Thas quite a discount, eh?! I told em I was late fer an appointment, but if they gave me a phone number I might get back with em. They weren't goin fer no telephone exchange. Ha ha

They wanted me to pull over so I could take a look at it. If I hadn't had so much money on me at th time, I mighta done so, but they didn't strike me as reputable Home Entertainment System Associates. I saw what seemed like a possibility, of filin a Po-lice report, describin my vehicle and th two thieves, and of tryin to get a cab back home, telling th driver I'd pay im when we got there, since I'd jus been relieved of all my cash.

So, I took an El Paso!

I'm jus drivin down th street, y'unnerstan? I don't have a big sign on my car that sez,

"Lookin fer a, "hot deal", wink, wink, on a Home Entertainment System. Honk if yer holdin!"

So....why me? I ask, once again fer th umpteenth time?

th cap'm

Subject: Which one is Joe D?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 5:06 PM

Decide which individual above is Joe Dreck and win nothing.

Subject: Hillary's Speech Last Nite
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:20 PM

I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at th content and delivery of her speech last nite. I reely wasn't expectin to hear her sound so positive. I thought she showed a lot of class. She certainly picked up some points in my book, becuz I didn't like th way she ran her campaign at all. It seemed to me like Bill's fingerprints were all over th crime scene.

It's a shame she has th albatross of her husband hangin off her neck. Personally, I think she shoulda ditched th scumbag a long time ago, cus otherwise, I think Obama would have been glad to have her as his VP. Together, they would have made a formidable team. But how could you deal with that ego-maniacal Bozo inserting himself in every issue. I also think that he did her campaign much more harm than good. I think, as close as it was, she mighta won if he had jus stayed home, and mebbe baked some cookies or somthin., we'll see if hubby, "Butthole Billy", can stifle his big ego fer jus a bit. Frankly, I'm not sure he can do it.

th cap'm

Subject: Unleashin Th Dogs Of Cliches
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:44 AM

Is it possible fer any political pundit, news anchor, interviewer, talkin head, y'know, what ever, to try and explain to us ignernt clodhoppers any thing about politics without usin a sports metaphor?

"He/she has to hit a home run!"

Or mebbe,

"Th Obama team is going to have to start playing smash-mouth offense here if they expect to stay within a one possession game."

"That was a slam dunk for the McCain camp."

"They need a hole in one here to put them back in the race."

Yeah, it's like they say in cricket; "A good offense beats a good defense any day."

"Yeah Bob, they're gonna have to rush the net if they expect to stay competitive."

"Yeah Irv, but this campaign is going to be won in the trenches, where the campaign volunteers are going to slug it out, toe to toe, lookin for a knockout punch."

"Well Keith, you know Sandy Koufax took a couple years before he developed his fast ball. These things take time. But I think Obama has proven he's got th arm. Now all he's gotta do is learn th control."

Sheeit! Watch any show ya want to; pay attention. Every fuckin one of em does it.

I was watchin Andrea Mitchell; ya know who she is! And she was talking about somebody havin, "to run the table". This cracks me up. Cuz of course, thas a pool expression, meanin literally, to pocket all th remainin balls without missin a shot. Ha ha sheeit! Do ya reely think Andrea Mitchell shoots a lotta pool and actually has any idea what th fuck that reely means?

And besides th sports metaphors there's th war, military jargon, which is even more prominent than th sports. They are so common and pervasive, that, unless ya reely listen and pay attention, they'll slip right by ya, and ya won't even notice em.

"It's time to bring out th heavy artillery."

"This looks like another case where McCain's plane gets shot down."

On and on, ad naueseum. I jus can't help but wonder how in th world they could describe to us what's happenin, without relyin on those two genres, th oh so trite, over used, lame, cliched expressions that they throw at us, game after game, week after week, year after year....and.... well ya can see where i'm goin here, can't ya, tryin to over come their fortress-like mentality with a flankin maneuver.
Then bring in th heavy guns to finish em off.

th cap'm

P.S. And if I never hear, "We will, we will, Rock ya!" by Queen again, five-six times durin a football game, well that would be a start, at least, towards a more perfect Tomorrow of Peace and Harmony. Providin of course that we track down all former fans of these Assholes and neuter em, so they can't pollute th gene pool any further.

Subject: Sat, Aug. 23rd, 2008. A Dark Day Indeed
Tuesday, August 26, 2008 8:22 PM

This past Saturday was th last Running of the Hounds. Th Woodlands Horsey and Doggie track closed fer good. They have been operatin at a loss ever since casino gamblin came to th area back in th '90s. A rich family from St. Louis has been keepin em open all these years in spite of their losses, but they finally said, Basta!

This impacts me directly cuz I have been takin Ms Daisy out there twice a week this whole summer, and I have been adjustin and tweakin my gamblin system to th point where a major break-thru was imminent. I have been analyzin and studyin th dogs performances in their previous races, and comparin that to th motion of th stars, and certain animal behaviors, specially crows, and various other secret methods I have developed, and now this!

I don't think their timin was jus co-incidental either. I think they did this on purpose, cuz word on th street was, that I was THIS close! Those fiends got their noses to th wind too, and obviously caught a whiff of my plans, so they shut down before I could shut em down myself.

Sheeit, so, now, I'm not gonna be able to recuperate th losses I incurred while developin my fool proof bettin system, and will not now be livin th life of th Rich an Famous. Gosh darn it all to fuck!!

Sigh! I guess now, it's back to Harrahs.

th cap'm

Subject: Re: City Council Ordinance To Restrict Unpaid Volunteers
Monday, August 25, 2008 3:01 AM

Below is a letter I wrote to various City Council members vis a vis th Mayor's wife workin in his office as an unpaid volunteer. Who in th hell elected her as Co-Mayor anyway? What bullshit. Read th Mayor's blog and listen to his wife as they try to explain and defend his decision to keep her on at any costs. Two blatant Narcissists who refuse to pay any attention to any one's views but their own, twisted tho they are.


Dear City Council Person,

I just got through reading, "Funk's Front Porch" in the on-line magazine, "eKC". I am all for this proposition. This woman has been an embarrassment and a distraction from almost the very beginning, and I don't think she has any business what so ever in making decisions that affect this city. She was not the person Kansas Citians voted into office. And I'd be willing to bet there are plenty right now who regret that decision. If they held an election tomorrow Alvin Brooks would win in a record landslide.

Of course he and his wife like to characterize this as some kind of "media vendetta" against them. Nonsense! I have talked to numerous people about this, and contrary to what they claim, I can find almost no one who is satisfied with this situation. They claim the average person on the street is with them.

Absolutely not true!!

He says she's essential to his getting things done that he wants to. I think it's absurd for any elected official to say this of Any One in his administration, be they his wife or advisor or whomever? If he can't do his job as mayor without checking with his wife about every decision he has to make, he ought to resign and let some one else do the job.

His Arrogance, Obstinacy, and Intransigence are so obvious to every one but him and his wife. He claims Principle. Phooey! The man is simply a Stubborn, Bull-headed, Narcisstic Jackass who is incapable of admitting when he's wrong.
And then, he has the Audacity to say that if you do pass this Ordinance, he won't comply with it!! What a role model for kids, eh? The Mayor of your city refuses to follow the law because he doesn't like it. Unbelievable! And yet, entirely in keeping with his general attitude. He's right, and every one else is wrong!

Well, I just wanted to put my two cents in.

charley hutto

Subject: A Bold Move. or NOT!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008 1:45 PM

I am plannin on sendin a submission to th personals column to try and fill that Void in my life. I want my message to somehow, in a few words, capture my Essence, my Being, my very Soul, if you will.

My target audience is an 18 to 19 year old, (somewhere in between there) party-gurl, jet-setter heiress, whose obscenely rich daddy wants to marry her off to a stable and mature influence who is willing to try and curb her Wild and Wanton nature. That would be Moi, of course.

My entry reads,

"Love classical music, poetry, going to the library, art galleries, bird watching, long walks hand-in-hand, barefooted through the surf as the sun sets, and I like to poke dead things with a stick. Are you out there Princess?"

I have never done this before, so I don't really know what to expect.

Wish me luck!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Terrorist; Osama Bin Laden, Al Quaida, and Telemarketers
Wednesday, August 20, 2008 1:56 PM

It is now around two in th afternoon and already I have been assaulted by five different telemarketers. Th first attack came at 8:30 this morning. I was totally unprepared as I had gone to bed jus a few short hours earlier. Damn their eyes!!

These anonymous assholes, strikin out from nowhere, who disturb my Peace and Harmony. I said to him in my most pleasant voice, well, as pleasant as I could muster at that un-godly hour when only th birds and th bees are about their business, and given that I had jus been rudely jolted awake by th clangin of my phone,

"Excuse me Sir. Let's disregard th fact that you have awakened me out of a deep and satisfying sleep, but why would you think I would need aluminium siding since I live in a rented apartment? YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE COCKSUCKING SONUVABITCH!"

(this last part uttered in a high-pitched quaverin shriek) and then after that, I said some very uncourteous and impolite things to him in an ever increasin pitch (the Banshee would'a been envious) upon which he hung up on me, without so much as a "Good bye Sir," or, "Have a nice day." or any goddam thing! Jus hung up on me without a word! Th cheek of th bastard! I'm tellin ya, these young pipples today jus have no manners!!

So now, th problem I'm facin do I go about trackin down and runnin this cur to ground, who wantonly assailed me in my sleepin hours. Must I send "tunnel rats" into th mountain lairs where he and others like him seek refuge? Do I need to mount an assault on th trailer parks where those of his ilk are housed and supported? Need I invade th bogs where these critters breed?

Does everyone get these calls in th quantities I do? Is this normal? Does everyone get 5 or 6 calls a day from imbeciles tryin to sell ya things ya don't want, or need, or already have? Or, is this, as I suspect, part of th ongoin conspiracy against me, by those nameless Nixon minions who will not face me mano a mano? Or, is this all part of some 'black' Government Psy/Ops plot where they think that by deprivin me of my sleep, they will turn my mind to mush, thereby renderin me near mute? Nothin more than an annoyin insect with an insignificant buzz. What a waste!! Th jokes on them since I already beat em to th punch a long time ago my own damn bad self!

Now, I'm just sittin here...... twiddlin my thumbs, bidin my time, waitin patiently and expectantly.....waitin frr that next call, so I can relieve some of this pent up Rage and Hostility on th next asshole! Bring it Assholes!

th cap't

P.S. By th way, should You ever call me, and don't respond Immediately, right away promptly, y'unnerstan, to my 'hello' and are then greeted by a stream of enraged obscenities, you'll know why! This has happened before, somewhat to my embarrassment, as th Minister of Spiritual Affairs found out. See, lots'a times, there is about a two second gap before th telemarketer can reply. This is how I spot em!

Subject: In Reference To: Th Endlessly Perplexin Cuban Situation
Wednesday, August 20, 2008 4:32 AM

My amigo, New Yawk Dave wrote me,


why cuba?

florida. and a presidential election held every four years.

but, a generational change is underway; younger miamians aren't so anti-castro.
so fidel's departure or younger cuban-americans, either way the casinos, sugar plantations, cigar factories should soon be open again to American plunder.


I wrote im back

"florida and the miami-cuban population?

well maybe, but has this small number of one group of people (the anti-castro cubans) been able to influence amerikan foreign policy for the last 45 years? i don't really recall the issue and the candidates stand on Amerikan-Cuban relations, ever being much of a campaign issue before? has any one ever accused another candidate of being 'soft' on cuba. it could have happened but i don't remember it.

maybe yo're right, but conspiricist i am; i see something bigger than that.
the former cubans are, after all, the very peoples who have been hurt by the restrictions on their travel, and the financial aid they are able to render to their families left behind. i would think they would be the ones most pissed right now, since this 46 year embargo never did bring fidel down. so other than causin great hardship to th cuban peoples, what has it accomplished?


p.s. ask yourself these two questions.
is it good for the chirrun?
what would jesus do?

Subject: You Never Know, Do You, In A Constantly Changing World?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008 4:12 AM

Meanwhile the fellows at the Ministry of History will be "adjusting" and bringing material more in step with the Current History Parade, as reported in our most recent history books. (hmmm, I wonder if Orry* knows bout this?) Of course, next week, The History Of The World Aug. 28th, 2008 Issue will be coming out, so be sure and pick up your's so you will know if Canada is still our friend, or our implacable foe? Is an Invasion imminent? If there is conflict, whose side will Mongolia come down on?

Are you wondering if the Azerbaijan/Icelandic Truce will hold, after being announced yesterday, following the War Of Aug. 17th, 2008, in which each side announced their holy intentions to wipe each other off the face of the earth. Now, after the Truce Agreement was signed, proceeded by tea and crumpets, with a side of goats eyes, they are now aligned together, united against their common arch enemy, Andora, who was weakened by the Russian abandonment earlier in the afternoon, citing disturbances in the provinces, to terminate their long standing, week long traditional support of each other.

The Andoran Six Star General (it's interesting to note he's the only six star General in the world) Of The Grand Andoran Military Army, Naval and Air Forces, jauntily dismissed the importance of their Russian partners, waving them off with his hand and saying, "Oh pshaw, they were just so much window dressing. Hooligans, ruffians and rogues anyway."

In the ongoing race to be Numbah One, currently, the United States Of Amerika THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD is listed as, #1, fer the first time since last week's poll had them occupying the 36th slot. Altho many are convinced that, by noon tomorrow, that title will then be wrested away by Uzebekestan. Ha ha Yer prolly wonderin aren't ya, jus where in th fuck is this Andora then anyway? So..... I was surfin thru my dictionary---fer you older buggers, that is computer-ese for, I was browsing.... no wait.... I was searching, no, no...scanning....damn, shit, I dunno what it was called before, but in my quest fer Andora, I happened to come across th word, "hexameter". Strange y'say, but hey, I have my own unique search methods.

Ya know what a hexameter is, of course! Don'cha? Heck, after readin my verse fer a while, ya gotta know what I'm talkin bout even tho ya mebbe din't know th proper word fer it. It's a certain kind of written style.

In a Dictionary For Dummies I'm editing, I'm goin to jus say,

hexameter--a line of verse that is six metrical meters long.

Six meters, sheeit kids, ya'know a meter is slightly longer than a yard, slightly longer than 3 feets. right? So six meters must be, let's see....3 feets is a yard, which as I already noted if ya were payin attention, so's 6 meters times 3 feets a meter = 18+ feets. Let's jus call it 19. OK boyz n gurlz, How many words can ya fit in 19 feet? Sheeit, damn, thas an awful long line in any body's book!

Sounds Faulknerian don't it?

Aw'right, sheeit, haha put yer calculator down and turn off yer computer. I was jus smokin ya. Ha ha Ya were prolly confused by all that multiplyin and stuff anyway, weren't ya?

See, actually a hexameter is a Line consisting of five dactyls and one trochee or spondee!

But, first off, I wanna clear up any mis-understandings; trochee and spondee are not sexually transmitted diseases. OK?! So... those trochee's and spondee's yer snortin up in those dactyl lines aren't gonna hurt ya either. Thas all jus part of th government's Anti-drug Dis-information and Distortion campaign.

OK, OK, enuff non-sense, I did it again. I've gone far enuff with this bit, but I fooled ya tho, din't I? Ya thought those lines I was talking bout had somethin to do with drugs, din't ya? Tsk, tsk.

But No, here's th deal! Th Real Deal, as they say.

dactyl--In accentual verse, a metrical foot consisting of one accented syllable followed by two unaccented, and in quantitative verse, of one long syllable followed two short. (see, I knew you'd recognize that in my scribblins)

spondee--a metrical foot consisting of two long or stressed syllables. (yep)
trochee--a metrical foot consisting of one long or stressed syllable followed by one short or unstressed syllable. (to be sure)

So, ya see why I'm often cited as writing dactylly. I hope this may have cleared up any confusion ya may have had upon encounterin this word before. Like, fr'instance, ya remember that movie where th cub reporter is called into the editor's office. Th editor, a rough, old grizzled, cigar chompin vet in th news biz, sez in a rough gravely voice,

"Hey Jimmy, O'Rileys jus been run over by a train, so I need ya to go down and cover th murder of th socialite Marie DuBois. Find out all ya can about th dame's boyfriend, Jaacques Delon. And don't ask me why he spells it with two A's either! Aw'right! I need ten dactyls to hit the evenin edition. Now, get goin!"

"Gosh, gee, you betcha Chief! Yer swell! I won't let ya down, I Promise! I'll give ya th best danged ten dactyls on a murder ya've ever seen."

"Aw'right kid, aw'right...don't over do it, see! Now, G'wan, beat it!"

as he grins and shakes his head, fondly rememberin his first big story. A fresh faced kid, tryin to make his mark on th world, too young and innocent to know yet, as Mr Natural sez,

"It don't mean sheeit!!"

Some things never change, huh!

th cap'm

P.S. * My nic-name fer Georgie Orwell

Subject: Th Endlessly Perplexin Cuban Situation
Tuesday, August 19, 2008 3:21 PM

I was rappin with a friend recently about Cuba. Our policy towards Cuba has always left me puzzled? It makes absolutely no sense what so ever. There seems to me no justification at all. I would like to hear one president explain this ridiculous policy just once!!

I wrote this three years ago. Since Fidel relinquished his power (did he really tho?) to his brother Raul, there has been a slight warming trend, but I think our current policy will remain unchanged until he Dies!

If Barack Obama is elected I would expect him to change this Cold War posture towards the Cubans quickly, like we changed out attitudes towards the Russians, (not withstanding the current situation) and the godless Chinese bastard Commies and the Vietnamese.

This was three years ago, and not much has changed since.


Subject: Fwd: Bush meets with Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai
Tue, Jun 21, 2005, 8:43pm

This is Amazing! Our President is meeting and discussing issues with the Prime Minister of the country we fought a ten year war with, at th' conclusion of which, we left with our tails between our legs and left Vietnam a Communist country, which is what we were ostensibly there to prevent in the first place.

For those who don't like th' characterization of us as leaving, "with our tails between our legs" I simply ask you to look at some of the footage of the evacuation of Saigon with American soldiers rifle butting Vietnamese civilians, clinging to helicopter skids in a desperate attempt to escape. The pandemonium and chaos that ensued were not exactly what you'd call, "an orderly withdrawal".
Some 58,000+ Americans killed, hundreds of thousands wounded; all for naught. We had accomplished Absolutely Nothing of what we had intended. Vietnamese losses; one and a half, to two million, maybe more, who knows?
Altho at least gaining Independence from foreign powers for themselves as a result of their sacrifices.

A ten year disaster which tore th' fabric of this country apart, politically, economically and socially, pitting fathers against sons, brother against brother, friend against friend.

Now, I'm not against this rapprochement at all. I mean, within ten years of fighting a World War with Germany, Japan and Italy with world wide casualties estimated at 50 million, our former bitter enemies were our staunch friends and allies within fifteen years, against th' common enemy, the godless Russian and Chinese Commies bent on World Domination.

These were our Cold War foes for 40+ years, where we collectively spent hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars, perhaps a trillion, or more, so we could wipe each other off the face of the earth, should we feel it was necessary, perhaps in the process wiping out the human species all together. With the prevailing attitude that, "some times ya' gotta' do whut ya' gotta' do!"

I mean, of course you would hate to wipe out all Humanity, but defending Freedom and Democracy sometimes requires great Sacrifice, and we were prepared to do that, if those rat-bastard Commies pushed us too far. But some how, luckily, (altho a couple of times we came real close) we managed to constrain our selves from destroying our planet and most life on it.

Today, probably half the goods we buy, regardless of what they are, come from China. We're buddies today with the godless Chinee, cuz they make a lotta' stuff we want and they make 'em real cheap.

Now, let's switch to Cuba. Apparently our Number One Nemesis In The World. Oh sure, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, N. Korea all pose some problems for us, but this Cuba thing; Whew! Now that's serious!!!

We have had an economic blockade of Cuba that's been in place for over forty years!! You can go on vacation to Russia, China, Vietnam, but don't even think about going to Cuba. North Korea would probably be the only country on earth harder for an Amerikan to travel to.

Why is that, do you suppose? Do the Cubans pose some kind of military threat to us? Is their GNP in danger of surpassing us as the leading economic factor in the world? Is the Cuban peso about to shunt the dollar, the yen, and the Euro aside? Are they harboring large quantities of Weapons of Mass Destruction which they may unleash on us at any minute? (I sure hope geo. bush didnt read that. i wouldn't want to give him any ideas) What is the basis for our Cuban policy that has been in effect for forty five years now?

Eisenhower started it, and then Kennedy assumed it with the ill conceived, ill executed invasion of Cuba by a motley bunch of unemployed Cubans, with catastrophic results, much to Kennedy's everlasting embarrassment and shame.
Next came Johnson, then Nixon, then Ford, then Carter, then Reagan, then Bush 1, then Clinton, then Bush 2. That's ten administrations and all of them following the same hard line! The Cubans are still pariahs in the eyes of every Amerikan government since 1959!! Why? Why? Why?

If we could forgive the transgressions of the Germans, with their death camps, and the Japanese with their war crimes in China and brutal treatment of American POW's, and the Russian and Chinese Commies who had threatened to "bury us" for almost fifty years, and the Vietnamese; what exactly have the Cubans done, fr'chrissake. to warrant our treatment of their peoples for the last forty-five years?????

The only invasion the Cubans are guilty of, are the boat people fleeing Cuba, not so much for political reasons I think, but simply; cuz they're hungry. They jus' wanta' place where they can get something to eat. See, Cuba may be the only country in the world (besides N. Korea once again) where you can't buy a Big Mac or a Whopper. They don't have Wal-Marts either. Or Jerry Springer. The Cuban peoples want those things too, but our Government won't let them have 'em? All democratic loving peoples want those things. They just go hand in hand with Democracy!!

Now, I have a theory about why our govt's attitude toward Cuba is so unyielding and intransigent. There is no wiggle-factor here at all. (originally you thought this was maybe a small observation about Bush's meeting, didn't you?)

I think Fidel Castro, tiring of the CIA's constant bungling attempts to assassinate him, going so far as to hire the Mafia to hit him, fr'chrissake, decided to take Kennedy down first. I believe that our government thought he was behind Kennedy's assassination, but unable to prove it, then declared Fidel Castro persona non grata Forever, or as long as he shall live at least, and subsequently, the entire nation of Cuba responsible for his death, and decided that as long as Fidel was in power and alive, we would never forgive him, thus making the Cuban peoples have to share the burden. I can think of no other reason why this attitude towards Cuba has gone on for so long.

I'm betting that within one year of Castro's death, we will have diplomatic relations with Cuba once again, and the transformation of Cuba from being a pariah to a friendly nation will take place faster than anyone ever thought.


Wait and see, when Fidel finally checks out permanently, watch how fast things will change.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Bad Luck Thru Broken Mirrors
Monday, August 18, 2008 9:01 PM

My buddy, th J-Man outta Golden, CO wrote me not to sweat it, cus, as he said, if Id'a had Bad Luck, I would be missin some toes. Yep, he's an Optimist. I don't hold that against him tho, cus he's also a skier, bicyclist, runner, jogger, cross country back packer and prolly does 500 push ups a day on top of it, to "wind down".

Back in '68, when I was in trainin to be a Ninja, J was my Black Belt Sensei. Thas another reason why I don't begrudge him any of his leisure activities, cuz otherwise he jus might get on his bike and pedal to KC, kick my ass, and be back in Golden before any one knew he was gone. J. usta like to make an example of me in front of th rest of th class, by standin me up there, after doin our warm-up exercises, with sweat runnin off me in buckets, barely able to stand and breathe at th same time, and he would tell em,

"Now, Charley here is a good example of what ya can expect if yer out boozin every nite, and then think ya can come in th dojo three times week, and perform! Gimme twenty Charley!"

Y'unnerstan, I'm on th brink of collapse, and now I gotta come up with twenty more push-ups. Course every one else in th class would be breathin a sigh of relief that it was ME, and not Them! After completion, pushin myself beyond anything I was capable of, and after th paramedics had arrived to resuscitate me, J would grin and have me get back in my place. Oh he was a task master! But no body ever said bein a Ninja was easy, eh?

And bein that this was durin Vietnam, and havin done his tour, J also taught hand-to-hand combat to Green Berrets. He'd put a bayonet in their hand and challenge em to stick im if they could. What generally happened was; th bayonet would go flyin outta their hand and in a flash, they would be lyin on their stomach, with both his hands around their neck, a hair's breath away from havin their neck snapped. Believe me, J was one of th last peoples a sane person would ever wanna mess with!

But th groovy thing about it all was; that after class, some of us would retire to a bar right next door called Smoky's Lounge, and have a couple cool ones and shoot a little pool. Guess who was th Sensei and th Student there? Ha ha On th mat, J was Master, but on th Green Felt, yers truly was King o' th Hill. I might say somthin to im like,

"Ok Sensei, I know yer a bad sombitch, but let's see how ya handle an ass-whupin here?"

Actually I prolly jus thought bout sayin that. It's entirely possible I prolly apologised to im fer beatin his ass. Ha ha

Over my stint there, about 14 months as I remember, while those others who had joined when I had, and gone on to win their green and orange belts, and brown belts, I was still wearin my white beginner's belt. I struggled mightily to earn my first yellow tip, (ya need to earn two yellow tips before ya can even get a belt that means anything) and finally one nite, I think they awarded it to me outta th goodness of their hearts or sheer embarrassment fer me. Oh it was excitin! There was much back slappin and accolades bein hurled my way, even from th young dudes who'd only been there fer four weeks and already had theirs. We all went next door to Smokey's and celebrated.

Finally! I could tell some hooligan, who might be makin disparaging remarks about me,

"Hey, don't fuck with me bro, cuz I gotta yellow tip on my belt."

Well any ways J. and I became good friends and I useta tell im all th time,
"Hey dude, when th shit goes down; don worry bout it, cuz I got'cher back, y'dig!"

And J. would say somthin like,

"Whew! I'm sure glad to hear that! I feel a lot better now!"

See, thas one of th cool things bout J. He knew a fellow Warrior when he saw one. Fortunately, I never had to get im outta any scrapes, cus others sensed he knew The Way. But fer guys like myself, I had to get my ass thumped cuz they didn't realize I knew The Way too. They never realized I was a Ninja in trainin, so they didn't give me any slack at all. They jus went ahead and kicked my ass!

Well, anyway, that was all 40 years ago. Now when J's not doing one of his outdoor things, He's prolly sittin in his rock garden, with th gentle sound of th ripplin water fall mixin with th soothin sounds of th flora and fauna, meditating, and seekin Satori. Meanwhile, I'm still tryin to master the Horse Stance.

th cap'm

P.S. But if there are any ruffians out there who're thinkin of callin me out, jus remember, I've had Karaté! (and thas not "ka rot ee" either. it's "Ka Ra' tay", OK!)

Subject: Again. Why Me? This Is Gettin Tiresome
Monday, August 18, 2008 2:50 AM

Sometime durin th nite I went to th water closet. While I was conductin some business I had there, (and thas noyb) I noticed I had left my mirror perched on th edge of th sink earlier in th evening. I decided to move it, so I din't accidentally drop it, durin my next visit, cuz, like, y'know, after an evening of guzzlin beers, these kinda trips happen pretty frequently, and bein wobbly and all, accidents can, and do, happen.

But then...damn! In spite of my best intentions, it slipped outta my hand and fell to th floor, barely missin my toe appendages once again.

I don't know what th hell is goin on? But I seem to have some kind of sub-conscious desire to chop em off. This was th third time in th last year I've come close. I spose one solution to this might simply be to get myself some Industrial Strength Steel-Toed Boots, capable of withstandin dropped mirrors, or shatterin heads, shins and bones. Y'know, jus in case.

Th other problem is of course, th Bad Luck Factor. Man, I am so far in arrears right now, I'm pretty much destined to a life time of bad luck. And sheeit, I don't have that many years left. Th only thing is tho; that this is th third time I've broken this particular mirror. And th chunk I re-broke last nite wasn't all that big. See, th first time I broke it, I kept th biggest piece. Same procedure th second time; I kept th remainin largest piece, which was not so big, so there reely wasn't much left. That final small piece is th one I broke last nite.

OK, so, I'm thinkin that th forces who rule on these kinda things couldn't, in all fairness, assess me 7 years fer only partial mirrors, could they? Do y'see where I'm goin with this? Like, Ok, th first one; seven more years on top of th years I'd already accumulated. Aw'right, I can do that bit standin on my ears. But then th second time, that was only a small piece of th first mirror that got me th original seven. Can they give me 7 more fer that? Sheeit, not only was it not a full size mirror, it was only part of th original mirror.

And then... th piece of mirror I broke last nite, was only part of th remains of th second mirror. Are ya still followin me here? So, whadda'ya think? They couldn't stick me with another 7 on that, could they?

Damn, ya know there's so fookin many ways to accumulate Bad Luck, and so ya stack up th years, but can one get "time off" fer good behavior? I'm not familiar with that one. I mean, th only method I know would be to go out and find a handful of four-leaf clovers, but, sheeit, I've never found even one of em in my entire life. Do they even reely exist? Or, are they jus another "urban myth"? Have you ever seen one before boyz and gurlz? Do they keep em in museums? What if I were to sacrifice some bulls or goats, or mebbe my neighbors barking hound; would that mebbe propitiate em? Help.

th cap'm

"Why me?" th cap'm whined out into th still nite? But there was only thsilence of th slit-throated lambs in answer.

Subject: Th Cap'm Scores Another Sartorial Coup
Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:09 PM

I discoverd a little while ago, that I was overdue at th laundromat. I realized this when I had nothin clean to wear. And bein a Sunday, I didn't wanna competewith th workin peoples who must do their laundry on weekends, whereas us Elitist Folks such as myself, can wait until a weekday afternoon. One of th perks of belongin to th Leisure Class, y'know!

So, instead of th laundromat, I went to th Thrift store at County Line and Mission Rd. 20% off on Sundays. Sheeit, how can ya go wrong?

So, I bought four dress slacks, a pair of jeans, five dress shirts and one casual, and six t-shirts. Damn! Knocked th hell outta two twentys. $38.73 cents. But sometimes ya gotta spend th big bucks to maintain yer rep, y'know whut ahm sayin.

th cap'm

P.S. Now I'm faced with th dillema of what combination of new threads to wear this evening? Ya'know, it's not as easy as it looks maintain one's coolness.

Subject: "A Song Of The South", Or, "Crackers R Us."
Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:33 AM

I used to live in th South fer several periods of my life. When I was younger, back in th ‘40s and ‘50s, I lived in Texas, Alabama, Florida and Virginia. Then I lived in Georgia and Florida again in ‘60-‘61, but this time as an adult. Altho there are those who might question that characterization, pay em no heed becus they were of shallow minds anyways. Fuck em. But in any case I have lived amongst th "crackers" before. A strange breed.

This was at th height of Jim Crow. Back then, ya had separate restrooms frr "coloreds", ditto drinkin fountains, buses and all kinds of public transport. No black person would have dared to walk into a white eatin establisment, unless they were suicidal.

Crackers I knew would tell Rastus' and Liza jokes to their black acquaintances. If ya haven't gussed, Rastus and Liza were th equivalent of th two dumbest Polacks ya ever heard of. It was hard to tell who was stupider, Rastus or Liza. And these crackers would tell these jokes usin what they thought was th dialect of a reely ignorant black person, i.e Rastus and Liza. I used to take em to task over their insensitivty and callowness, but they told me in no un-certain terns I din't know nuthin boutit. They said,

"Sheeit hoss, theys lak these kinda jokes. They laffs harder than we do."

Well sheeit, in 1960 in th South, if you were "colored", not to mention that other unmentionable word; if a white person told ya a joke, ya best be laffin. Ya sure as fuck din't wanna be labled as "uppity", too good to even get th humor in a Rastus and Lisa joke. Bad form. And ya could easily wind up swingin with breeze.

"Whassa matter with yew boy? Ya ain't got no sense of humor?"

This bein said to a 74 y/o laborer.

"C'mon boy, clack those bones fer usn. Yew know it's fuuny in't it!"

Crackers always gotta kick outta how th coloreds never learn't how ta speak no proper English. "Sheeit, theys say som of th damdest thangs yew ever heard in yer lafe."

So, from my observations of th crackers, I quietly took notes and gathered up some of their sayins, jus lak I member em. Also these crackers were all religious nuts too and were constantly invokin his name. Cn ya say it now? Jaysus!

Crackers for Christ, whut do they think?

How's bout ya gotta drive a pick-up Truuck with a Confederate Flag decal and a gun rack and have a jaw fulla chaw while singin Dixie and have a bumper sticker that sez,

"Darkies, don't even Think bout lettin yer pic-a-ninnies grow up ta be cowboys.Y'hear!"

alla time wearin a t-shirt that sez,

"Sweet Jaysus, ahm a Red-neak and Proud uv it."

Mebbe another bumper sticker that sez,

"Crackers fer Christ. No fereigners allowed, This means you Chico!"

"Crackers fer Christ. White boyz only"

"Crackers fer Christ. Be Racially Pure and Be Saved Too, Halleuja!"

Ya gotta have gradeuated from 6th Grade and be able ta recite th words ta Dixie and th Plege of Allejance, and be damned sure ya say, "Under Gawd" too, Bubba."
Yer personal Hero is th Reveran Fred Phelps followed by Jerry Falwell.

Ya think they don't signify fer Jaysus enuff on Jerry Springer.

Ya think Charlton Heston wuz a lot like Gawd and ya wuld give yer Life up fer th NRA.

A reel good tahme is kickin some Homo ass fer Jaysus!

If th Ten Comanmants had been in place, Columbine wud never hav hapened.
Th moral decline of this country started th day they stoped letin us pray in skool
If Gawd liked darkies, he wuda made em White. Gay marriage is fer Queers!

Duke a darkie fer Jaysus.

John Wayne wuz Amaericas Greatest Hero.

I'd ruther be a cracker, than a yew know whut!

If Jaysus walked among us taday, He'd be a cracker jus like yew and me.

Crackers n' Christ go tahgether like Mice n Lice.

A cracker knows "Love thy Neighbor" is Christ's way of sayin' "Go ahead, fuck her!" Say Amen.

"Baptist cracker"....... it's redundent.

Sayin some one is a Baptist Cracker is like sayin some one is a black Negro.

How bout a gang of Bible wieldin bikers called, th Hell's Crackers.

Crackers for Christ theme song, "I jus wanna burn a cross on yer lawn, Mama.

Crackers for Christ; Awash in as much Blood as we can spill, say yeah!

A good Cracker for Christ always carries a tire iron jus in case some heathen darky needs Savin.

Bein Saved is th same as bein a Cracker for Christ.

I'm a cracker, yer a cracker, all God's chirrun's are Crackers.

In th beginnin wuz th Word, and th Word wuz.... Christwuz aCracker, an a kiddle eat ivy to wuldnu.

A good 'Cracker for Christ' always helps those less fortunate than himself, like,

"Hey BOY!!!

Need a lift?

Jus grab aholt of thet er chain!!"

And 48 years later; don't despair, Th cracker is not an endangered species. They are alive and thrivin.

th cap'm

Subject: An Internet Argument. Take off yer shoes. Relax, Stay awhile.
Saturday, August 16, 2008 8:01 PM

My friend Cris wrote this to me in response to my affirmation of that decision to drop th atomic bombs. He also, "replied all" which is verboten in my book. I don't like that and told im so.


Chris wrote,

I can give you a 1001 reasons why those bombs should NOT have been dropped. Cracked codes that revealed the Japanese WERE going to surrender, Russia's looming declaration of war against Japan. Truman's own diary not released until 1978 labels one telegram message with the description "telegram from Jap Emeperor asking for peace."

Similarly the files of OSS director William J Donovan reveal that Japan was initiating peace talks over three months before we dropped these bombs! The aforementioned diary of Pres Truman also has an entry about the looming Soviet declaration of war that would have ended the fighting without Atomic Bombs! July 17th 1945 Truman writes in the journal "Fini Japs when that comes about."

But the biggest problem I have with anyone defending the bombs is that they beg the question.

It's always presented as dropping the bombs OR invading the Japanese islands to fierce resistance!


Why would we need to invade Japan at all? It is a tiny chain of islands without any natural resources capable of sustaining a war machine. We had already driven em back to Japan and we should have just STOPPED there. Blockade em and say "fuck it"

Why in the hell would anyone even consider invading Japan?

It was completely unnecessary to our goals. Quoting future president and then super-general "Ike" Dwight Eisenhower "It wasn't necessary to hit them with that evil thing."

or maybe how about Admiral William Leany head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff?

"The use of this barbarous weapon at Hiroshima and Nagasaki was of no material assistance in our war against Japan. The Japanese were already defeated and ready to surrender."

The sad pathetic truth is that we used the bomb against Japan not to demonstrate to Japan how powerful we were, but to demonstrate to the USSR how powerful we were. And to prevent the Soviet Union from being involved in Japan in the post-war period. The two atomic weapons used in 1945 were properly speaking the opening shots of the Cold War not the final shots of WWII. These are facts. Look it up.

Truman's secretary of state James Byrnes was quite forthcoming about it. His lobbying for the bombs to be dropped on Japan to scare the USSR has got to be one of the lowest moral positions ever taken by the United States and it shames me. You should all feel likewise.

"Mr. Byrnes did not argue that it was necessary to use the bomb against the cities of Japan in order to win the war, Mr Byrnes view was that our possessing and demonstrating the bomb would make Russian more manageable." —Leo Szilard, Manhattan Project Physicist

"Mr. Byrnes was most anxious to get the Japanese affair over with before the Russians got in." - Secretary of the Navy James Forrestal


Aw'right, so...bein in a pissed off frame of mind, I wrote Cris back.

"Yo Chris. I don't mind yer disagreement with my opinion on this matter. Ya have yer twisted views. I have mine. Ya quote a lot of peoples, but there are plenty more who would disagree with every allegation ya made. Fer every opposin view you quote I could find plenty more to th contrary. "Look it up", as you said

But, th thing is; I'm not particularly interested in ya lecturin me about bein ashamed by my stand. Disagree if ya like, but forget th shame part. I don't apologize to you or any one else fer my views, but hold off on th self-righteous censure. OK?! Cus I'm not cool with that. And I'll bet ya a dollar to a donut if yer ass had been sittin on Okinawa at th time, after a three month long battle in which a few paltry hundreds surrendered out of 130,000 there originally, waitin fer th invasion, you'd be whistlin a different tune.

And I've heard before some of th objections ya raised. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Roosevelt also knew th japs were about to bomb Pearl Harbor too, since we had broken their codes but he let em do it any way. Right?! And th moon landing was a farce and th Holocaust didn't happen and Big Foot is alive and well.

Too bad you weren't CIC then. We coulda just sat off th coast and played pinochle and whistled Dixie til th Japs starved to death I spose. Never mind th 7,000 kamikazes they had left waitin in reserve. Never mind they still had at least 1,500,000 men in arms. Never mind th fact that many in th military were totally opposed to surrending even after th bombs were dropped!!

Like I said, I don't mind yer disagreement. I'm cool with that. But what I do mind is yer insistance to "reply all" which I have asked ya not to do Several times before in th past, but ya don't seem to pay much heed to that request. If ya don't like my opinions, fuck it, respond to ME, but me only. Ya dig!! There are plenty of peoples on my list who don't much care for a lot of what I say, but, there are a fuckuva lot more who don't give a shit what you say. Period.

So this is th last time I'm telling ya this. Next time, "Fini". Comprende?


P.S. Ya may notice I'm breakin my own rule here in "reply all", but what th fuck, it's my list.


So then, Alan wrote me in defense of Chris.

Subject: "There are (at least) two sides to a coin"

"Charley - On Thursday night, after I asked you, "are these your personal thoughts or are they paraphrased from others' writings?", you responded, "no allan, these are my own babblings."

I asked you this question for two different reasons: 1) your phrasing and the type style you used was different, as well as quite a bit more formal, than that you usually use for your own "babblings." This language would make most people who are familiar with your writing style think your submission was adapted from others' writings.

But, 2) and more importantly, I wanted to compliment you for your clear thinking in the words and thoughts you used, and then tell you that although you made an initially persuasive case, someone else might be able to make just as convincing an argument as you did but reach the exact opposite conclusion!

Well, guess what, someone did. That someone was Chris, who I don't recall ever meeting, or in fact, ever hearing his name before. Although I don't know you well since we've only met once (possibly twice) face-to-face, I still consider you to be my friend. Since I don't know Chris, I can't say the same about him. I hope I'm wrong but there's a high probability that you won't/don't think of me the same way after reading this message.

Chris and your respective comments remind me of high school debate and then moot court my first year in law school. In each scenario, I would hear one side make a very persuasive case supporting a particular viewpoint with many detailed facts followed by logical explanations of why "their" facts could lead to only one reasonable conclusion. More often than not, my immediate thought was that they made such a convincing case supporting their conclusion(s) that it would probably be a waste of time to hear the other side.

But then we would hear the other side that used similar procedures intended to dispute the first party and thereby come up with the exact opposite conclusion(s), with varying degrees of success.

It was then up to the listener(s), e.g., a judge, jury, the public, etc., to maybe ask questions, do some of our own research, and then reach our own conclusions with all this information. Then we, the listeners, would sometimes reach (near) unanimous decisions and at other times, sharply disagree with one another. But, whether we agreed or not, I've always believed this process was a productive exercise.

What upsets me most about your message is the negative, dismissive language you used.

Don't you think that for each "allegation" (a poor choice of words) you make, Chris might be able to "find plenty more to the contrary"?

Was Chris "lecturing" you, as you accuse him of doing? I think not; he was merely politely disagreeing with you, which he is of course entitled to do!

Was he "self-righteous(ly) censoring" you?" What possible proof do you have of this "allegation" (here the word is appropriate)? Of course not!!
How was Chris trying to "shame" you? He wasn't!

And what's this crap about "Roosevelt knew the japs were about to bomb Pearl Harbor. . . the moon landing was a farce, the Holocaust didn't happen and Big Foot is alive and well." How are any of these completely false "facts" relevant? How would they be relevant if they were true?

But probably the most upsetting thing (to me, at least) that you said to him was your accusation that his pressing "reply all" was wrong! How so? You properly raised a very interesting and initially supportable position that was worthy of discussion and sent it to the hundred or so people on your list. Chris then engaged you in that discussion by doing exactly what you did. What could possibly be wrong with that?" A2


This was my reply to Alan, who wrote in defense of Chris.

Alan is an OKg uy."Well Alan, I strongly disagree with your statement,

"There are (at least) two sides to a coin."

Of course there are more than two sides to any point of view, but in my experience, I have never seen a three or more sided coin. haha If you have such a thing, I'd suggest you take it to a coin shop. You could probably get a pretty penny for it. (pun, pun) Ha ha

As to the different writing style, you are correct. I do that sometimes when writing of serious things, where I don't want the persona of "th cap'm" to get in the way and diminish what I'm trying to convey. I've done this before. I'll send you a bit I wrote about my Uncle Benny sometime and you will notice the lack of "th capm's voice" there too. It was written by Charley Hutto, nephew of Benedicto Flores, as a tribute to him.

And believe me, I am well aware that there is a segment of people today who feel that the bombings of those two cities amounted to a War Crime. For the most part these are younger people who really have no concept of those times. One could certainly argue along those same lines that the fire bombings of Hamburg, Dresden, Tokyo, and others, resulting in the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, were also atrocities.

But it was a World War, and we felt that we were fighting for our very existance, and our Way of Life, and so we justified those terrible actions because we were at War, not just with the Axis military machines, but with their respective civilian populations too. That meant the daily bombing of German cities and their innocent women and children were fair game too. And then the same thing applied to the fire bombings of Japanese cities. Gen. Curtis LeMay discovered that fragmentation bombing of wooden Japanese huts wasn't very effective, so the solution was incendiary bombs.

And because of the brutality the Axis regimes had already demonstrated, i.e. the brutal treatment of the Russian civilians under German invasion and occupation, the behavior of the Japanese in their invasion of China, like the rape, pillaging and destruction of Nanking nin '37, for instance, th viciously inhumane treatment of the Japanese towards their POW's; all of these factored into our own callous disregard for their own civilians too.

But some one who has only a passing acquaintance with WW11 history wouldn't take these kind of things into account. They only know we dropped two atomic bombs on two Japanese cities, and oh my gosh, that that was Horrible. It's frustrating to try and argue with some one who has almost no real knowledge of th war. They only know that the Japanese were already defeated, so why did we have to drop the bombs? They have absolutely no understanding of the Japanese militaristic mindset and philosophy of that time.

They do not know, that in spite of the fact the Japanese appeared to be defeated on many occasions, the Japanese Never admitted Defeat. This defeatist attitude was anathema to them; a Disgrace to the Emperor, the Nation, and to their own families and Ancestors, bringing great Shame and Disgrace on them.

The tenacious and determined fighting spirit of the Japanese soldier to the death, was due to his belief that in dying, he was helping to preserve the Empire and the Honor of his Ancestors. They had demonstrated this willingness to die first, instead of surrendering through out the Pacific campaign. They were an implacable and fanatical enemy, who showed no compassion and didn't expect it either.

So, one needs to know these things about their attitudes, before making the claim that they were already defeated, and there fore the bombings weren't necessary.
OK, all that said, I really don't mind dissent. I have known Chris for probably twenty years, and I'll admit I did go off on him. I don't like people though to "reply all" simply because this is not a "discussion group". I send out my thoughts about this and that; if you agree with me, let me know. If you disagree also let me know, that is fine, but keep those things between us.

Also, this is not a high school or college debate, or an exercise in ability to play Devil's Advocate. If you genuinely disagree with me because you sincerely belive otherwise, I'm Ok with that, but don't argue with me just for the sake of rhetorical argument.

I recently got really angry at a buddy of mine about something or other that we were arguing about. I told him that it seemed, no matter what I might be saying, he always took the opposite view. I said I was amazed that there was nothing at all it seemed, that we agreed on. He then told me he merely liked to play Devil's Advocate. That really pissed me off. If we were in a debate, or maybe two lawyers practicing our rhetorical skills would be one thing, but we were sitting in a bar. If you told this guy,

"Boy, it was hot today."

He would likely retort,

"Not in Cleveland, it wasn't!"

Frankly, this is one of the reasons why I dislike lawyers in general, because in discussing any issue with them, you can see them projecting themselves in a court room arguing before a jury. Well, that's what they do for a living, but they can't ever let that mindset go, even when they're 'off duty'. Every discussion is a battle which must be "won'. I don't have the time or patience for that sort of nonsense.

As for the personal things I said to Chris; there is more under the surface there that I won't get into. Maybe I was too harsh. maybe I dismissed him. But he made me mad with his "reply all" response. As I said, I don't like it. Nor do many people om my e-mail list. He knows that. We have been through this a number of times in the last several years, and yet, when he responds to something, he does it again. And again.

Even though he is aware I don't like it. I feel he's dis-respecting me. The implication is;

"I don't care whether Charley likes it or not, I'm going to tell all these people what "I" think about his, and any one else who agrrees with him, 'shameful views'."

Goddamit, don't tell me I should be ashamed of my views! Had Chris sent me the very thing he did, BUT to me only, I can guarantee you, my response to him would have been very different. Much more polite and respectful.

And as to my comments about Roosevelt, the moon landing, big foot, etc, Ha ha I was merely being scathingly sarcastic as to what his next "out there" subject might be, because Chris is a great conspiracist. They are everywhere. Always check under your bed at night, because the boogy-man just might be there.

There are no limits to what he might be warning you about at any given moment.
He does this a blt with me because he considers me a kindred soul, because, I myself, am capable of seeing conspiracies too. But the difference is; I just see the possibility, whereas, he sees the fact. Heck, I often joke about Dick Nixon's conspiracy against me. Ha ha Most people know when they read another of my rants about him, that that's just 'th cap'm'. It's just part of th capm's persona, which is mostly me, but also an exaggeration too.

Sorry for the long diatribe, but just wanted to give you an idea of why I was so short and dismissive with him.



Even tho I disagree with Alan's assesment of th whole situation, I want to make it clear; I am able to handle criticism! (as long as it's not directed at me, of course. Ha ha) Peoples have accused me of bein thin-skinned all my life, to quick to take offense, too defensive and so on. To which I say, "Booshit!

No seriously, I have several good friends on my e-mail list who are staunch Repubs, (GASP) and from time to time they take me to task over some things I might say about their Party and their Fuerher. (scuuse that characterization He he) Thas OK, cus I'm not always so polite in th expression of my ideas. Perhaps you've noticed that? But it's never meant to be personal to any individual. They are blanket statements.

By th same token, I have several good friends of mine on here who are avid bicyclists, and I'm sure they don't appreciate my rantings about th bicycler either. I know each time I send out some blather or another, that there are peoples who won't like it, but I simply cannot go thru my list and try and determine who might get pissed about it? Jus take my word fer it; it's never Personal! Mebbe that will make it easier to absorb. Oh gosh, I'm jus soooo sorry. But pleeeze don't say nasty things about me. (altho I can take it)

Writhing in Contriteness,

yer humble cap'm

P.S. Then too, when one decides not to endure th unendurable any more, there's always th option of removin one's self from my list, which consists of sayin, " No mas! No mas! Delete me pleeze! I cain't take it any more!" And so it shall be done right away pronto, with no ill feelins on my part. Jus don't expect me to buy ya a beer next time we meet. Ha ha

Subject: Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
Friday, August 15, 2008 12:06 AM

My buddy, th crupster sent this to me. it's been around fer a while, and so, perhaps ya've seen it before. if so, scuuuuse me. but i thought it was pretty amusing. maybe you will too.

th cap'm

Subject: Another Phony-Assed Hypocrite Do-Gooder Bites Th Dust
Thursday, August 14, 2008 11:56 PM

I happened to notice this in a, "Weird News", article in th paper on Wednesday.
"A prominent anti-drug motivational speaker who uses his own sordid life story to inspire troubled young kids to turn their lives around, was arrested in May and charged with attempted murder after allegedly shooting at his girlfriend and an old prison buddy following a long evening of alcohol and methamphetamines."

Ha ha So typical of those of his ilk. I have always found those kind of phonies disgusting. I have been forced before to listen to assholes like this tell their stories of excessive drug use, or alcohol, or whatever, and in describin th low points of th typical week long binges, with all th drugs they could do, th booze, and th chicks and big cars and th wild sex, y'know, th endless partyin non-stop, with no responsibilities, gettin up at 3 Pm and startin all over again.

"Oh man, it was horrible."

they would say, livin that kind of life. And in recallin those years of shame, degradation and excess,

"Oh kids, believe me, ya don't wanna ever get caught up in that kind of madness! Th chicks, th booze, th drugs, th excitement, th partyin all day and night. Nah, it's terrible. I know, cus I did it all my life! Thank god I've seen th light and turned my life around. And, with all th shit I've done, if I can do it, so can you!!!"

But, all I could ever see, was a person barely able to conceal their glee and nostalgia fer all those "terrible" days. With each succeeding story of those awful days in detail, ya could see that light of excitement in their eyes grow a little brighter. Now, today, havin been clean fer a year, they don't have to endure all that stuff any more. No more of that craziness fer them now. They are perfectly content to stay home evenings, by themselves in their small studio apartment, and watch, "Dancing With The Stars". No more late nite clubbing fer them! Nope! Don't need that kinda madness any more.

Ha ha Yeah right dude!

I knew, th very first minute they could, they were gonna do a line some place.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Th Cap'm Is Baaack!
Thursday, August 14, 2008 3:43 PM

Hmmm, mebbe I was a bit presumptuous in that statement. Like, last nite, fr'instance. I decided to try and get back in form on th green felt. But, it turned out to be an embarrassin and mortifyin situation. I couldn't make a fookin ball to save my life. Sheeit, I lost 5 outta 6 games to a rookie whose always idolized me. He sez that was th 1st time he's ever beat me. Now, I don't know bout that, but his wins have been few and far between. Til last nite. Six fuckin games in a row.

How can one play a game fer 54 years and put in such a bad performance? It was awful, I'm tellin ya! I coulda been th Poster Boy of a Pool Shooter Has Been. An over th hill derelict livin on his past rep.

Fortunately, only a few peoples witnessed th debacle. Mebbe I could deny it ever even happened? Mebbe I could claim th dude was on drugs, and th whole thing was jus a drug induced hallucination? I could pay off th witnesses to deny th whole story, cuz no one would believe this guy's obvious tall tale. How in th fuck could he have beaten me except in his dreams? I'm still strugglin with that dilemma right now.

This was a Shocker! I am keenly disappointed at th moment. I need some substances to get me thru this crisis. Woe.

th cap'm

P.S. Used to "BE". now I'm a "WAS"! On th long, slow slide down to Oblivion. Curses!

Subject: Hiroshima, Aug. 6th, 1945. Nagasaki, Aug. 9th,1945
August 14, 2008 2:49 PM

Recently on Wednesday, Aug. 7th, 15 World War 11 vets gathered at the Truman Museum to lay a wreath to honor him for his decision to drop the atomic bombs on Japan.

They started doin this after, in 1995, plans were made at the Smithsonian Institute to present an exhibit about the bombings. That was the 50th anniversary. But, because there was a lot of controversy about the appropriateness of the exhibit, it was scuttled. So, since then, these old warriors go there every year to lay their wreath in gratitude for his actions.

Today, 63 years later, in hindsight, and not havin been around at that time, many peoples have criticized that decision, claiming it was unnecessary and that there were other ways we could have demonstrated the awesome destructive power of these weapons, without dropping them on two cities. They say the Japanese were already defeated, and that they were ready to surrender anyway, and that this amounted to an atrocity. Bullshit! There were many Japanese military people who were totally opposed to surrendering. Only the Emperor's decision to do so, was able to overcome their wishes. And, even then, there was an unsuccessful last minute coup among some of them to thwart him.

The fact is that the Japanese never surrendered just because they were defeated. All across the Pacific; Tarawa, Iwo Jima, Okinawa, et al. They fought almost to the last man. In their militaristic society, based on the Code of Bushidio, The Way of th Samurai, it was considered not only the Duty, but an Honor to die for the Emperor, whom they considered a Deity. Surrender was never an option.
On Iwo Jima, out of approx 25,000 defenders, only a handful surrendered. On Okinawa, out of 130,000 defenders only about 800 surrendered. It was considered the ultimate Disgrace to one's Family and the Honor of one's Ancestors to not fight to the death. This partially explains the inhumane and brutal treatment of the Japanese towards their POWs, because they considered them Contemptible and Cowards, beneath consideration, and not worthy of decent treatment.

It's interesting to note that these same critics were not on Okinawa themselves, or on troop ships from Europe, having survived that conflict, only to be sent to Asia, to assault the Japanese home islands. They all knew to a man what a bloodbath it was going to be.

So, as the invasion loomed, those few Gi's who had survived the Pacific island campaigns, and the battles in Europe, knew there was no way they would survive this invasion against this implacable, determined and fanatical enemy on their home shores.

My Dad and eight of my uncles were all faced with this prospect. Not a single one ever did anything but celebrate this action, because they were convinced it had saved them from certain death. I doubt if you could have found an American fighting man any where, who disapproved at th time.

World War 11 was Total War, no quarter given. Allied forces in Europe had decimated an entire continent with indiscriminate bombings of cities and civilians. Hamburg was leveled with approx 60,000 deaths in one raid. Dresden, a city of no military importance, was reduced to rubble with over a 100,000 deaths. Every major city was nothing more than a pile of rubble. Civilian casualties numbered in th millions.

And in Japan, every major city, even small villages, were completely destroyed. The firebombing of Tokyo resulted in the destruction of over 16 square miles of the city with over 100,000 thousand casualties, very few of whom were military combatants.

So, I believe, that in spite of th many casualties of both bombings, they in fact saved untold hundreds of thousands of other lives by bringing th war finally to a close.

I also believe that, because it also demonstrated th unbelievable destructiveness of these weapons in real terms, as opposed to guesses and conjecture as to what might happen should they ever be used was a good thing. It is entirely possible that this first hand knowledge contributed to th fact that they haven't been used since.

This first-hand knowledge may have prevented th US and Russia from employing them during the Cold War. McArthur wanted to use them in Korea against the Chinese. General Curtis LeMay wanted to use them in Vietnam. Thank Zeus, cooler heads prevailed.

So, the next time you hear some one lambasting Truman for his decision, tell them to read some WW11 history first, and then shut the fuck up!

th cap'm

Subject: Some Nature Too Much
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 9:00 PM

A little while ago, I was waxin up my caddy in th shade next to my garage. I kept hearin odd scuttling noises occasionally comin from th garage, but I didn't pay any attention.

That is until I turned and looked and there was a giant raccoon standin on top of th roof on my Mustang and he was jus starin at me. I'm telling ya, this fucker was Huge. About th size of a St. Bernard I'd say. My first thought was,

"Gee, I didn't know they were even conductin any atomic bombs around here. This critter is obviously a mutant of some kind."

Then I thought of a premise fer a movie. It would be called, "Invasion Of The Giant Raccoons." See, like, what would happen was; after some nuclear tests th radiation would change these regular raccoons into.........well never mind fer now, but I'm thinkin of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to play th part of th two nuclear scientists in th movie. I don't wanna reveal too much of th plot yet, so... don't ask me any more bout it, OK?

Aw'right... so, like, this giant monster is starin at me. I hissed at im to scare im off! He jus stood there still starin. This time I reely hissed! That hiss shoulda scared off any normal raccoon, but instead he started to walk down th windshield on to th hood. Yikes! This fucker is not easily intimidated, so I slapped th towel I was usin at im on th hood, and he back off jus a bit. Not much tho, so we then got into a starin contest. Our eyes were locked in a battle of wills. Then, tho, I was distracted when I heard other noises. Damn, now there were three of em! Apparently his whole godam crew have taken up residency in my garage. No wonder he was so bold. He had back up!

I was startin to get concerned. I figured I better do somthin, so this time I made some reely loud growlin sounds, like AAAARRRGGG, and was jumpin up and down and swirlin my towel around in a threatenin manner. He looked at me, then yawned, made a slight movement of his head, and casually sauntered outta th garage with his two stooges followin.

I decided not to finish with th car. I was afeared th three of em might catch me off guard and jump me from behind. Damn! Whas th deal here? Are these critters dangerous? How come they're not afraid of me? Don't they know my rep? I am, after all, th character they based th Big Bad Wolf on. Ya remember that BBQ pork sandwich ya had recently? Ya know where that pork came from? Yep, you guessed it.

But these guys didn't even flinch. I'm wonderin how long they've been here? Are raccoons dangerous to humans? How many peoples are gobbled up by wild raccoons each year? Will they ambush me early of some morning when I stumble drunkenly from my car? Will th neighbors find my various body parts strewn about th neighborhood?

Or, perhaps th authorities will think it might be th work of some mad, crazed loony? Or, will it maybe jus be blamed on a lone Chucacabra, roaming north of his habitat?

Will a clove of garlic about my neck keep em at bay? Why in th hell can't they stay out there in th woods where they belong?

It's all so stressful, y'dig.

th cap'm

P.S. Hey, y'know what would be cool tho? If I could tame that big one, saddle im up, and ride im up to th saloon tonite, dismount, and tie im to th smoker's bench outside and casually stroll into th joint. Now, that would be an entrance, eh!

Subject: It Is Rude To Invade Other Countries!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 5:07 PM

You tell em George! Ha ha I am amazed at th Hypocrisy of this fucking George Bush! Is there no end? He is now indignant that th Russkies invaded a "sovereign" country. And fer no more reason then that country (Georgia) began shelling th capital of a break away region that has a largely Russian population?

Th audacity of those guys! Who do they think they are? They're not even claimin that Georgia has weapons of mass destruction! They're jus sayin they're tryin to protect peoples who have strong cultural ties with themselves. Sheeit, what kinda excuse is that? I mean, is that th best they can come up with?

Bush tells em they threaten alienatin th World Community by their aggression, but more importantly, damaging relations with th United States. Yeah, right! Do ya think he told em if they didn't stop, we wouldn't buy any more oil from em? H aha

Yeah, I kinda doubt it too. He threatens em with UN action. What a joke! None of th same objections stopped him from invading Iraq, which was also a sovereign nation. He basically told th UN and th rest of th world they could "go fuck themselves", mimicking his VP's words.

And while, five years later, we are STILL occupying that country, our President is self-righteously lecturing th heads of State of th other two most powerful countries in th world on ethical behavior. Sheeit, it's fucking unbelievable!

I wonder how Bush felt about th invasion of Grenada in '83, a tiny island of no consequence, by 25,000 Amerikan troops. It seems there had been some kind of coup led by a left-leanin individual. It was felt he posed some risk to a couple hundred Amerikan kids there goin to some bogus Medical School! This op, code named, Operation Urgent Fury was soundly denounced by th UN as a "flagrant Violation of International Law". But, hey, Fuck th UN! We can do whatever th hell we godam well please! Now, that was a glorious day fer Freedom and Democracy.

Then a short time later, in '89, under th elder Bush, (those Bushes seem to get a kick outta invasions Ha ha) we invaded Panama, in what was known as Operation Just Cause (don'cha luv those code names?) fer th sole purpose of eliminatin Manuel Noreiga, who we said was involved in drug trafficking. Even tho th dictator was a paid informant of th CIA fer who knows what? This action was also declared by th United Nations General Assembly as a, "Flagrant Violation of International Law." But so what, Fuck Th UN! Whatta they gonna do about it? We are, after all, ThE Super Power. THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! jus in case ya fergot.

Today, we also currently occupy Afghanistan, another country we invaded, (another Bush Invasion) altho in this case, justifiably so I think, becus of their harboring Bin Laden and his crew. Today, Afghanistan is responsible fer 90% of th heroin in th world, but in spite of some 50-60,000 thousand combined troops there, we are unable to stop this problem. Th Russians coulda mebbe told us of th difficulties of that country, since they were there fer some eight or nine years themselves, finally realizin a historical fact, that no one has ever tamed Afghanistan! And so they left in disgrace, jus like we did in Vietnam!

It seems th US believes we have some kind of inalienable right to throw our weight around, thru military power, to do as we please, but that other nations shouldn't indulge in this kind of behavior. tell em W, what a craven bunch of monsters they are! Why can't they act Responsibly and Morally, like th United States does?! I guess jus becuz those Russkies have enuff nuclear weapons to destroy most life on this planet, they can act any way they want. George oughta remind em, "With great Power, comes great Responsibility."

Mebbe after George gets outta office, assumin he'll go voluntarily, he oughta give seminars to heads of State, like th Russians and those Chinese Commie bastards about how to not behave rudely and impolitely to one's neighbors and fellow citizens.

On th other hand he might tell em a few of th secret ways he discovered to keep those same fuckers in line.

Well, y'know... he could go either way! A guy's gotta make a livin, do what he's gotta do!

th cap'm

Subject: Where Is Every One?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 3:06 PM

Sarge: "It's quiet out there."
th Cap'm: "Yeah, too quiet if you ask me."

Aw'right, I've been lonely here, all by myself. No one to rap with. No one contactin me. Wonderin if I've committed another social faux pas of some kind, thus alienatin those about me? What did I do wrong? How come no one likes me any more? I've been sitting quietly, in th basement, in th corner in th dark, brooding and sulking. Does this mean I'm not gonna win Most Popular Kid again fer th umpteenth time?

OK ya'll, stop yer frettin, I jus discovered th answer to this question.


I was hipped earlier to th fact my mail-box was full. "How can this be?" I thought to myself. I've only been usin this new addy fer about eight months now. But as I've explained in th past, photos take up an inordinate amount of storage space on my primitive system, but I've been receivin many of em lately with no problem..... until today that is.

Now, th box is overloaded; when photos come in, sparks start flyin, smoke comes belchin out, and th whole system threatens to melt down. (did ya see th China Syndrome?)

So.... if ya'll would do me a favor and not pass along those kinda items any more I would appreciate it. It's not that I don't enjoy em, y'see, it's jus th complications they cause.

Thanks again, and remember me when it comes time to cast yer vote fer Most Popular. Yep, I'm runnin again in spite of th setbacks and disappointments of th last 50 years of campaignin. I got a feelin bout this year! Remember,

"Th Cap'm, Smooth and Mellow".

By th way, I've got bumper stickers, buttons and lapel pins if yer interested. I also have lapel pins complete with an Amerikan flag, so ya can not only show yer support fer me, but can demonstrate yer Patriotism at th same time. No body likes an Un-Patriot so keep that in mind when it comes time to cast yer ballot cuz a vote fer me is a vote fer Amerika too.

humbly yers,

th Smooth and Mellow cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Is BAAACK!
Monday, August 11, 2008 6:07 AM

I was shootin some pool last nite. I have always played pool ever sinceI was 12 years old. My dad was stationed on Okinawa back in '53, and since there wasn't a helluva lot for kids to do there, they allowed us to play in th service club, which usually is only fer th GIs. Fer some reason th game came easy to me, which was rather strange cuz I was a total flop at any and all kinds of sports. Un-cordinated with th relexes of a tree sloth. Not somebody ya wanted on yer football, baseball, or basketball team.

But, in spite of those drawbacks, I could shoot pool. I was in th 7th grade at th time and I could beat most of th young GIs then. Not reely all that big a deal tho cuz back in th '50s pool had a rather unsavory reputation, as did pool halls. Bad stuff was supposed to go on there. So, most of th young GIs I played had never even played pool before they joined up. But, still, they didn't care much fer a 12 y/o beatin em alla time. Specially an officer's kid who wasn't supposed to even be there, as far as they were concerned. Well, Fuck Em, if they couldn't take a joke.

So, I stayed with th game. By th time I was 17-18 I was a reely good shooter, and so fer th next 45 years there weren't a whole lotta guys around who could beat me, and I say this with a lotta forced modesty. Ha ha

I used to shoot every day, many days 8-9 hours, but always at least 4-5 hours a day. Haven't missed too many days in my life when I didn't play at all. Heck, when I was married, my wife bought a pool table fer my birthday and put it in our living room, which was one of th best birthday presents I ever got. My buddies would come over after th bars closed and we'd shoot 9 ball til 5-6 in th mornings. That table paid fer itself in about six months of that. Ha ha That was a long time ago tho.

But, fer th last couple years I haven't been playin so much. So many of these young kids today like to play partners. I don't. I don't like havin to "carry" some one else. I don't mind losin, one on one, but I hate losin cuz my partner's got his head up his ass! There are so few guys who reely understand how to play doubles smartly.

Plus, I have a harder time today dealin with th rookies, y'know, I jus don't have th patience fer it any more. Y'know, a 21 y/o punk whose tellin me what th rules are! Sheeit, I'd already been shootin fer 30+ years before he was even born.

He's tellin me that all th guys in th dorm at KU play his way. So then, I gotta try and explain to im that he's not in th dorm at KU any more!

"No, see kid, you're in a saloon on Troost Ave. in Kansas City and we don't give a fuck how you guys play at th dorm, and neither does any one else in th world. Ya play by th rules of th joint yer in at th time. Those are th only rules that count. Th House Rules. Th rest of th "rules" ya can stick up yer ass. This is th Real World and not yer frat dorm! Ya dig what I'm sayin!?"

Well, it can be vexing. And ya think ya've heard every bullshit, off-th-wall, outta left field rule there is in th past 50 years and yet, fer sure, one of these young dudes comes up with one ya've never heard before that jus blows ya away in it's awesome stupidity. One that jus leaves ya reelin and makes ya wobbly and dizzy with th insanity of it..

Well, any way, I'm playin this kid and I'm shootin pretty good even tho I'm a bit rusty, and I've run th table on im, but I leave myself with a near impossible shot on th 8 ball. Th kid sez,

"I'll bet ya a buck ya can't make that!"

I said, "Ya will, huh? Now we're shootin fer th big bucks, eh? A dollar huh? I'll tell ya what; I'll give you a hundred bucks to that dollar that YOU can't make it!"

He sez,

"No, no, I know I could never make it, but I'll bet ya th dollar you can't either."

So I said,

"OK, tell ya what, I'll bet ya ten I can!"

He sez,

"But I don't wanna bet that much."

I said,

"C'mon dude, we're not talkin bout losin th farm here. Look at th shot dude. Look at it! Sheeit! I don't think th sunuvabitch can even be made! This is th easiest ten bucks ya'll ever make."

But he declined, said he'd only bet th dollar.

So I said,

"Aw'right, yer on fer th buck."

I knew I couldn't make it but what th hell....

But I'll be damned but if I didn't make it! Ha ha

Th kid was flabbergasted. He was literally thrilled to give me my buck. I think it may have been th most impressive thing he'd ever seen. Sheer fucking luck tho! Ha ha I could shoot that shot 500 hundred times and prolly not make it again, but I jus acted nonchalant about it, went over, took a sip of my beer, no big deal, like, ho-hum, jus another impossible shot! Ha ha

He was still ravin bout that shot when I busted th rack th next game and made th 8 ball on th break on im! Then he reely came unglued. And altho that reely ISN'T a big deal cuz I do it all th time, young guys who've never played much think it is! I was hopin I might make pop it in again th next game too, and give im a pool story he could tell his buddies back at th dorm, but curses, evidently I already used up my allotment of Luck fer th nite!

Well, I lost a game a bit later, so I went back into th main bar area tocheck out th band. They had a 5 piece band and one dude was playin what appeared to be a miniature cello. He was sittin in a chair, and his part in th music didn't seen to require much. He was jus sawin away slowly and with all th sounds from th other instruments, I wondered jus why they even had him, cuz he didn't seem to contribute much. He wasn't exactly Mr. Excitement!

Hell, I couldn't even hear im. His mike coulda been turned off fer all I knew. So, I was watchin im cuz he didn't seem to be reely 'with it'. He had a kinda blank look on his face and was starin off in space to th side almost th whole set. I jus figured he was drugged out, y'know, those musicians. Ha ha But at one point I looked over where his eyes were and then I realized his indifference. He reely wasn't into th music after all. Nope! He was watchin th Olympics on a TV hangin over th bar. Ha ha No shit! Th whole fookin set. Like I said, he didn't reely seem to be 'cookin' with th rest of th guys.

Then some little Princess tried to take my hat of my head, which has gotten to be an almost weekly occurence. Damn, that pisses me off. I told her too what I thought about it. Her little Brat Princess eyes got wide in shock at what I said to her. I called her some names. Y'know, nasty names. She said she couldn't believe how rude I was. On th other hand a buddy of mine complimented me on what he said was unusual restraint on my part fer that offense. Cuz, like I said, that normally reely pisses me off. I was kinda embarrased by his praise and jus said, in all modesty, "Aw shucks."

Ah well, jus another excitin nite at Mike's Tavern in th Big City!

th cap'm

P.S. I overheard a young man talkin to this young cutie about his ambition to be a Car Stereo Installation Technician. I was kinda amused. It seemed to me to not be a reel ambitious goal, especially when tryin to impress a young lady. Ha ha But, what th hell, it's good to have dreams and ambitions, don'cha think! Cuz, like, heck, when I was his age I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, y'know what I mean!? And sheeit, now I'm 66 and still don't have a clue? Sometimes I wonder if it might be too late now. Hmmmm.

Subject: George Bush Has Harsh Criticism For China's Human Rights Record
Saturday, August 9, 2008 1:46 PM

This cracks me up. Th audacity, th gall, th impertinence, th insolence, th temerity, th hypocrisy, th arrogance, th effrontery th cheek, of this fucker, when there are hundreds of peoples down in Gitmo who have been there for years without trial or even bein charged with anything.

A guy who instigated a war and invaded another country under totally false pretenses, with no justification what so ever, where we Still have 150,000 troops occupying em five years later. A war in which we have killed scores of thousands of innocent civilians, includin women and children. A war in which we have used torture with th complicit approval of Himself.

That he can make these kind of remarks, and not break out into a giggle is amazin to me. Had I been th Chinese I woulda told im to get back on his horse and get th fuck outta here and ride back from whence he came!!!


th cap'm

P.S. By th way, I don't wanna alarm ya, cus I know this is supposed to be a free country and all, but if I were you, I'd be reel careful what ya say over th phone, be careful what ya write in an e-mail, be careful how ya conduct yer self, cuz Georgie Porgie and his minions got their eyes and ears on ya and know everything ya do!



Subject: John Edwards Scandal
Saturday, August 9, 2008 1:15 PM

Well, I must say I'm not terribly surprised that John Edwards has proven himself to be a Phony and Hypocrite. I have always suspected him of being so. He's a fuckin politician! Why would we think any thing else?

Below is some of my impressions of him I wrote at th beginnin of th whole primary farce.


Mon, Mar 26, 2007, 4:42pm
Blind Unfettered Ambition; John Edwards Stays In Race

I watched th interview on 60 Minutes last nite with John Edwards and his wife. But before I get into that, how bout that Katie Couric? Man, that gurl rilly knows how to do an interview, huh, like, when she asked Edwards,

"What was going thru your mind when you realised her cancer had returned?"

Whew! No wonder she gets paid th Big Bucks? You wouldn't get that kind of hard-hittin probing question from yer run-of-th-mill, ordinary, every day hack journalist would ya? Hey, ya ever notice Katie's forehead and face. Smooth as a cue ball. Not a wrinkle anywhere. It looks weird to me. Is she a real person, or is she some kinda automaton?

OK, never mind; ferget Katie. Fuck her! Let's talk about that narcissistic, ego-maniacal prick John Edwards. This is a guy who feels a compelling need to give service to this great nation of ours. And as John would tell ya, this is also a great nation who deserves to have

John Edwards service em. So it works out great fer everybody, see whut I mean?!

In spite of his wife's cancer, John wants to "give back" so fucking bad to this great nation that he's willing to be President to do so. Oh sure, it might be tuff on th little lady out on th campaign trail, but they both agreed that she could do it.

She's a trucker. They are a tuff, optimistic couple, who are determined not to let her cancer get in th way of his desire "to serve" this great nation. And that works out good fer th country too.

After all, it's not about Him, ya see; it's about giving back to th peoples of this great nation, who deserve no less than Him. I mean, he keeps sayin that he just wants to serve th Amerikan peoples, thas why he's continuing to run in spite of this little obstacle. This little obstacle bein th fact his wife has incurable cancer. I guess bein a United States Senator isn't service enuff fer him. Nooo, th Amerikan peoples deserve more than that. He's gotta be President!! Meanwhile his wife is sittin there beaming at his every utterance. Man, I want some of that shit some body fed her, cus, like, if they hit ya up with some of that: if an 18-wheeler ran over ya, ya'd be laffin and gigglin bout it, like,

"Whoooeee, turn around man, c'mon back! Do it again, cuz I think ya missed a few bones. har har."

If ya watched this dog and pony show, ya woulda thought this happy, shit-eatin grinnin couple had just won th lottery, instead of discussing th ramifications of her cancer, vis a vis his presidential ambitions. I was expectin her to offer Katie some iced tea and crumpets any second.

Excuse me; but what kinda prick we got here?

OK, looky here. when yer spouse has incurable cancer, ya remove yerself from th campaign!!

I wouldn't think it would take a whole lot of soul searchin to come to that decision. I think thas what any honorable, decent, person would, oughta, should do! Altho ya might make an exception fer Hillary Clinton here. Ha ha.

I mean, it's not like this is his last hurrah here. Th dude prolly has 4-5 more presidential elections left, so what's th rush? Well, um, he wants to be President! And he wants it now!! Does that answer yer question?

OK, now looky here, here's two possible scenarios I see that would work.

Scenario # Uno: He announces that as a result of his wife's cancer, he is droppin outta th race, so he can spend more time with her and th chirrun. Absolutely no one would criticize him fer that. As a matter of fact, peoples would applaud him fer his noble, selfless action. And I would wager his Senate seat would be safe fer some time to come. At some point in th future, after she has succumbed, and after a decent interval, he gets back into national politics, and announces he's running fer President.

His peoples then play th "Family Values" card to th hilt. In his speeches, with out referrin directly to his own sacrifice, he constantly comes on strong fer "family values" and he also mentions often, how his strong Faith enabled him to over come Adversity. How could any one proclaim to have more "family values" than a man who relinquished his Presidential Ambitions fer his family, fr'chrissake?
Talk about "family values"? Top that fuckers! Th dude would pick up lotsa peoples on that one issue alone, who might not normally vote fer him. He would be a tuff candidate to beat.

Scenario # 2: A way to extricate himself gracefully from a bad decision. As th campaign goes on, and he doesn't make significant strides, or perhaps his wife's condition worsens faster than expected, he tearfully announces one day, that in spite of his pledge to carry on regardless of his situation, he sez it's just too much, that he cannot in good conscience continue, while his wife and chirrun need him now, especially now!

He admits, that in th end, it's his family thas most important to him, and tho he will continue to serve as a Senator, he must now bow out of th race to devote his time and energy to his family. Once again, he's th recipient of many accolades fer his noble sacrifice in th name of his family, and he'll reap those rewards th next time he throws his hat in th ring. And I doubt he would catch too much grief fer breaking his promise to see it thru to th end, eh. I don't think many peoples would try to hang th "flip-flopper" jacket on him fer that.

But, y'know whut, since I'm not one of his political consultants, he's not gonna hear this advice. Besides, that prick's Ambition to be President would over ride any one who might suggest such a scenario to him anyway. Cuz, he wants to "serve" and be President, goddamit.


Yep, John Edwards, A Family Man You Can Trust. (at least if yer not his wife!)

th cap'm

Subject: In Th Humid Muggy Nite
Friday, August 8, 2008 4:37 PM

OK, a couple nites ago, I stepped outta th house fer th first time that day. I had spent th whole afternoon on my sofa contemplatin th Human Condition. Y'know, jus lying about, smokin some dope, kickin back, relaxin, thinkin bout this n that.

And becuz all my blinds are closed, I had no idea what th weathers were doin in th outside world; y'know, that place on th other side of my walls.

As soon as I opened my door I was assaulted by th Heat, and specially th Humidity. I felt like I had stepped into Hades itself! It was kinda like that afternoon scene in Apocalypse Now. In th Nam y'know, where th choppers are takin off, th dust is swirlin around, a cacophony of Sound and Chaos and Confusion. Th only difference was; it was nite time, there were no choppers or dust, and I wasn't in Vietnam and it was eerily quiet.

But, it still reminded me of that any way. As I shuffled out to my car, I felt a rain drop, then after a few more feet, I felt another. Ya couldn't say it was rainin cus it wasn't. On th other hand, ya couldn't say it wasn't rainin, cus occasionally, a drop of water would hit ya. I guess it was between that place where it's rainin or; it's not rainin. It was kinda like a quantum rain, y'know, like, it's rainin and not rainin at th same time, dependin on how th observer sees it.

Aw'right, never mind that crap anyway. When I reached th saloon several minutes later, and egressed from my Vehicle (Notice to Bicycle Riders; yer bike is NOT A FUCKIN VEHICLE, I don't give a shit what ya say!!) I saw my buddy, th D-Rock, sittin on a bench outside th tavern where those "dirty smokers" have to go now to indulge their addiction. So, as I approached im, I said in my best Inspector Clouseau-ese,

"I say, it's a Hewwmiid and Meggey nite, isn't it?"

He answered me with a look of confusion.


I retorted,

"I said, 'it's a huuumiid and meggey nite, isn't it?' you fewl."

He said,


I asked him,

"Where, pray tell, did th wind go?"

He replied,

"I dunno."

I said,

"Well, mayhaps it went to that place where th mind soars and th moon only exists in our dreams."

He snorted and said,

"Charley, are you fucked up already?!"

"Oh pshaw. Nonsense!"

And in spite of th lack of wind, I breezily dismissed his question. Why is one assailed in this accusatory fashion like this before even imbibing one of their alcohol laden beverages? After all, I had jus arrived. It's a mystery to me!

But, one must keep in mind, that I was dealin with one of those nicotine addicts, whose minds have been muddled over th years. Thank Zeus, I was able to overcome that situation after only indulgin fer 48 years myself. It's reely quite an inspirational story kids, how after bein a nicotine junky fer 48 years, smokin 40 cigs a day, in jus 8-10 days I was nicotine free! No mas! No mas! I'll bet yer wonderin,

"Gee, how'd th cap'm manage to quit in ten days after smokin fer 48 years?

Gosh, I wish I could do that. Mebbe he'll tell us how he did it? Boy that would be swell!"

But, th thing is boyz n gurlz, did'ja ever hear th ol expression,

"There ain't no such thing as a free lunch!"

See what I mean? When secrets are revealed, there's always a price to pay. There's always a quid pro quo involved. Sometimes it may involve a deal at th crossroads with a shady lookin character who only wants yer soul. But it's always somthin! In my case th key to unlockin th secret involves cold hard cash: dollars not accepted at this time. Euros would be cool tho.

And heck, this cure will pay fer itself in jus a few years, as result of th savins you will accumulate from not havin to pay fer yer nicotine jones any more. And ya'll be more popular too, since others won't shun ya any more becuz of yer disgustin smoky smell. When yer at a party, other guests won't make snide remarks about ya behind yer back.

"Eeeew, he's a 'smoker'! How horrid!!"

So... don't be th last kid on yer block who still indulges in this nasty habit. Send off right now fer th Capm's book,

"Quittin Smokin Fer Dummies!"

Well any way, like I said, it was a meggy nite!

th cap'm

Subject: Save Th Birds
Tuesday, August 5, 2008 4:37 PM

OK, ya'll listen up. One of my connections on th street jus hipped me to this recently. Of course, I can't reveal his identity, but take my word fer it; he's reliable

Yer avian friends could be in danger, and you could be at fault. Or, they could already be dead and gone. Don't be responsible fer a tragedy like this.

Aw'right, check this out. Do ya have any birds ya share yer livin space with boyz n gurlz? Y'know, like, a parrot or somthin? Or, mebbe a crow? Or, a condor? Well, if ya do, don't be a birdbrain; heed this warning!

Be careful with yer teflon pans, cuz I am told that non-stick pans at High Heat can give off fumes that can kill a bird. Ya may have heard about how coal miners used to take canaries into th mines with em cuz if th bird died, it meant dangerous fumes were buildin up. Same principle applies.

My foods Guru also said he never cooks anything in a non-stick pan at high heat because of these same fumes, cuz, by th way, they don't do you any good either! Now, if ya got some foods in th pan, I guess it's not such a problem because th food itself absorbs a lot of the heat.

He also debunked a foods myth that I myself have mistakenly been practicin fer years. And who amongst us hasn't I'll wager?! That is: meat that is seared to keep in juices doesn't really keep th juices in after all. Nope, it doesn't. Thas jus a common myth.

Heck, in th past I have let pans sit on high heat (teflon, iron, aluminium, plastic, I didn't give a shit) fer a long time so th pan would be really hot before I seared my meat in it to preserve th juices. Ha ha. Wrong all the way around, eh! It has no effect on th amount of juices in th meat at all. BUT.....but, here's what it does do: it does add flavor! Which is good, of course, but isn't th same thing as preservin th juices. So, at least all those efforts I made weren't totally in vain.

Ok, I jus wanted to tell ya bout this so mebbe ya can get some closure now over th mysterious demise of yer pet parrot when he fell off his perch and dropped dead. Findin out about this now, I'm sure yer prolly depressed, and feelin Guilty, knowin YOU caused his death, not purposely of course, but from sheer Ignorance!

And if it makes ya feel any better, hey, he's gone to a better place. He's prolly right now this minute up in Bird Paradise, kickin back, relaxin, doin avian type stuff, y'know, like preenin his feathers, singin songs, flittin about leisurely, from one tree to another, no cares, no predators wantin im fer parrot stew, perfectly content.

Yeah, sure he is! He's in Bird Nirvana! haha Ya know I wouldn't jive ya!

th cap'm

P.S. And remember what I warned ya about recently; polar bears don't do well in th summer, in hot cars with th windows rolled up.

Subject: Return Of Th Demon?
Friday, August 1, 2008 3:50 PM

Several nites ago, I was finishin up my beer at th end of th evenin, and chattin with th young Ms. Laura, th birthday girl from a couple weeks ago. Mebbe ya recall, Ms Laura, who works behind th bar, Wednesdays and Fridays, jus turned 27, a comely lass, and fair of limb. I don't recall what we were discussin at th time but suddenly she said,

"Oh My Gaaawd!"

in a startled, surprised way!

I said,

"Whas'sa matter?"

And she was starin intently at me and said,


Well, with th intensity she said it, I froze; didn't move a muscle! Cus I thought mebbe she was tryin to warn me a giant Cobra was about to strike me or somthin.

Once again, this time as motionless as possible, I feebly said,

"Whas wrong my dear?"

She told me that while she was lookin at me, suddenly my eyes had turned into two bright red glowin orbs, not unlike a Demon. She said that with my hat pulled down low over my eyes that I was eerie and evil lookin. I patted her hand and assured her,

"Now, Now. It's all right, Everything is OK."

I told her that I was, in fact not a Demon at all, but merely an old harmless geezer, sometimes mistaken fer one, and to prove it I took off my shades and, lo, th offendin red evil eyes disappeared.

I splained to her that a red light somewhere in th joint was reflectin off my shades in such a way as to appear to be to be two bright red Demonic eyes. She said,

"Oh, I knew that!"

So, we both got a good chuckle outta that, and snorted and giggled fer a bit. Ha ha Silly gurl. That Ms Laura! She's a character! Ha ha. But y'know, since then, I have noticed Ms Laura furtively lookin at me, tryin I think, to make herself believe that it reely was jus an innocent reflection of light, and that I hadn't let my guard down fer a second, thus revealin my True Nature.

And I couldn't help but notice that she's taken to wearin a garlic clove around her neck, (only works on vampires and first dates) and makes a cross with her two fingers when I order a beer now, but laughs as tho it's only a joke. What a kidder, eh? Ha ha

Ya prolly don't recall, but I wrote about a similar situation several years ago.

While sittin, drunkenly and stoned, I caught my reflection in th mirror behind th bar and experienced this very same sensation It reely did look like some Evil Being starin back at me. When I think on it sometimes, it does get me to wonderin, cus today, I can't find this source of illumination.

"Hmmmm....I wonder....? Nah! But question lingers"

th cap'm

P.S. When next ya go into Mike's Tavern there on yer Troost Avenue, as th young Ms. Laura, who will be doin her thing behind th bar, if she's seen any Demons lately? But, if she does that cross thing, you might be a suspect too!

Subject: Spawn Of Th 60's
Friday, August 1, 2008 2:47 AM

OK, ya'll, an amigo sent this to me. A trip back in time. This is pretty amusin.

Check it out.

th cap'm

P.S. As fer myself, I was a hippie durin those years and I thought those styles as ridiculous then as I do now. haha Wouldn't have been caught dead in em.

But as silly as they seem now, on th other hand, 30 years from now when guys are lookin at th super baggy pants, bald heads, t-shirts down to their ankles, caps with flat brims turned sidways, do ya think they will still think that was a cool look? I kinda doubt it. I imagine they'll be thinkin, "Wha th fuck were we thinkin?"

Subject: Don Rumsfeld; Where Is He Now?
Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:28 PM

Do ya remember that asshole? How could we forget im, eh? One of th major architects of th Iraq Quagmire we have been bogged down in th last five years to th tune of hundreds of billions of dollars and immeasurable human costs. A mess which has sullied our reputation world wide.

Below is an excerpt from remarks he gave to reporters followin a conference on Terrorism in Europe back in early June, '02. I think ya might like this. I certainly did. It's a classic example of Rum-speak. Rumsfeld was speakin to reporters about th conference. Check it out. And I quote.......

"The message is that there are no knowns",

Rumsfeld told reporters. He went on to say,

"There are things that we know that we know. There are known unknowns; that is to say there are things we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns------things we do not know we don't know. So when we do the best we can, and we pull all this information together, and we then say, 'Well, that's basically what we see as the situation', that is really only the known unknowns and the known knowns. and each year we discover a few more of those unknown unknowns."

and then just to make sure there was no confusion he summed it up by saying,

"There is another way to phrase that, and that is that the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."


Whew, I'm sure glad he clarified that with that last statement, cuz I gotta confess, I was jus a bit perplexed myself. I'm sure, more than one European reporter were shakin their heads in bewilderment too, eh?

With minds like this runnin th show, it's not too hard to see how we got where we are today huh? It sounds as though 'Donald' and 'the Boss' took th same public speaking course, y'know, th one taught by th Master himself, Mr. Dan Quale.

th cap'm

P.S. My peoples on th street are tellin me that th Dan Man might be a contendah' on Dancing With Th Stars. Well, good fer him! It jus goes to show ya, that there is Life after th White House. One doesn't have to fade into Oblivion, like, oh say...Bill Clinton.

Subject: Eatin Lunch: Que Sera Sera
Wednesday, July 30, 2008 2:30 PM

A few minutes ago, I cut off th remainin pieces of a seasoned rotisserie chicken I got from Costco. Wow, are they delicious! Even th white meat is tender and juicy. If ya like chicken, and pray tell, what Real Amerikan doesn't, and if ya get th chance, ya must absolutely try one.

So...I put th slices on a piece of wax paper, and slid it into th Radar Range, zappin it fer 50 seconds. Then holdin th wax paper by th edges, I very carefully transferred it to my dinin table.

But, oh wait! I wasn't careful enuff. Curses! I dropped th slices to th floor. Oh, this is a real bummer! Now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, but ya gotta keep in mind, that this was MY floor. Not a regular kitchen floor. Th slices laid there, sprawled all over. I had visions of dozens of germ creatures hoppin aboard before I could get th chicken pieces back on th wax paper.

Under th circumstances and condition of my floor, these pieces oughta have been discarded. Thas what any reasonable person woulda done. But not always bein reasonable, and doin th sensible thing, and since they were th Last pieces, and thinkin of all th peoples who don't even have any dirty chicken to eat, and not likin to waste foods.....I went ahead and ate em any way!

Now, minutes later, I'm here on my sofa waitin fer th repercussions. I'm figurin, that when these new arrivals hit my stomach; th critters who normally live there, would regard these newcomers as usurpers, as invaders, and so an Armageddon of sorts would take place there. And bein heavily outnumbered, I'm hopin th "bad germs" will be quickly and easily defeated, with no ill effects on me.

But, on th other hand, th survivin invaders could be forcibly ejected back up th esophagus, from whence they came, causin me some discomfort. From there, into th toilet bowl, down th sewers, into th Muddy Mo, and linkin up with th Mississippi, where they would eventually spend th rest of th summer in th Gulf of Mexico.

Not such a bad fate tho, eh? At least fer them. But, what about me?

I lie here now, th minutes draggin by, waitin fer th signal from my body, that it's time fer th mad rush to th bathroom. But at least I go with a full belly, my hunger pangs bein satiated.

I await. What ever will be, will be!

th cap'm

Subject: Classic Contrariness
Tuesday, July 29, 2008 4:51 PM

It's hard to understand why some peoples consistently refuse to admit th success of th increase in troop levels in Iraq? And, scuuuuse me if yer confused by that "increase in troop levels" phrase. I jus fucking refuse to call it a "surge". What bullshit.

I wonder who came up with that one word that is supposed to characterize our effort in Iraq? I'm sure he gets a pat on th back every day fer comin up with that bit of obfuscatin bullshit. And th thing is: even th news peoples all use it. An "increase in troop levels" would make it sound like they were sendin more troops there to get th job done! But a "surge"? Well that sounds pretty harmless and innoucous, eh?

OK, so, like, jus yesterday, we had another example of jus how great this strategy is workin. Only 57 peoples were killed by bombs! And it took four of em to do it. Let's see, about only 14.25 peoples per bomb. (PPB) I mean, sheeit, if thas not Progress, what th fuck-all they want anyway?

th cap'm

Subject: The War Rages On
Tuesday, July 29, 2008 4:27 PM

In case ya haven't been payin attention th last couple years, th US government and their heinous minions have been fighting an undeclared War fer some time now. This War isn't about Terrorism, or Drugs, or Poverty.

Nope! This War is about Obesity!

A scourge that they say is sweepin th nation. We are all in grave danger of bein trampled underfoot. Th Government is now goin after th Rotund Ones. There is an ongoin, never endin effort to brainwash th Amerikan peoples to th dangers these peoples pose to our Amerikan Way Of Life. Every couple days I read some new study which demonizes em.

"A recent study has concluded that obese peoples take up too much space on public transport vehicles."

"A recent study done at a major research facility has disclosed that fat peoples are eating up too much of the world's food supplies. They caution that if remedies aren't taken soon to stop this gluttonous waste, WE ARE ALL GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH!"

"A recent study found that fat persons are more likely to pull out their rifles and go INSANE then their more slender counterparts."

"A study done at the National Institute of Mental Health has concluded that overweight persons are three times more likely to be overbearing, buffooinish oafs, than persons of slender, svelte portions."

Like today, fr-instance, there was an AP story on my home page that sez that even th neighborhood ya live in can make ya fatter. Like, in yer gated communities, peoples there have their chauffers drive em to th McDonalds, instead of walkin. So, naturally those folk are fatter than those peoples who live in th inner cities and have to walk from one dumpster to another. See, there are perks to livin in th ghetto.

Jus a little tip kids to keep in mind when ya go shoppin fer a new crib. When ya finally find yer dream home, before ya sign that contract, ask yer self this question:

"But, is it good fer my waistline?"

Further news on my home page sez that LA is considerin puttin a moratorium on any new fast food joints in Los Angeles. The claim they already gots too many peoples heavy of foot there now. No mas! No mas! Jus so ya don't think thas outrageous, a recent study concluded that if Californians don't act immediately, th whole fookin state is gonna drop in th ocean. Then, it'll be too late won't it!

Well, I could go on and on, but I'm sure ya've seen em too. And hey, looky here, if you happen to be an overweight person, don't take it all personally, OK?! It's jus th Nature of Do Gooders. They're only doin it fer yer own fuckin good, aw'right! They only want what's best fer ya. All you smokers, and boozers and druggers and gamblers, frequenters of bawdy houses, and porn watchers, and now, fat peoples: They are jus doin what they know is best fer ya! How can ya argue with some one who only has yer best interests in their own hearts.

In th current atmosphere of HELPFULLNESS (whether ya want it or not) I'm kind suspicious of what their next target might be? But if yer neighbor drops a dime on ya and snitches ya out as an Un-Patriot, I'd be watchin yer back.

We don't need no steeenking Un-Patriots! Ya dig?!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, I jus happen to have a limited number of Amerikan flag lapel pins available, guaranteed to throw suspicious neighbors off th track. Don't be th last one in yer hood to proudly and openly display yer Patriotism. It could be dangerous

Subject: De Cap'm, he like th babblin brook!
Saturday, July 26, 2008 2:45 PM

Sometimes in th saloon, I think of somthin I'd like to write about, but short term memory bein compromised now, I jot a little somthin down, so perhaps later, my mind can recall where I was headed.

Th problem here tho is that, often when re-readin these little bits of mnemonic aids, I am unable to read my scribblins. Or more often, am unable to translate em into anythin that makes any sense.

Like, here's a few examples of some stuff I found. And if ya get a bit confused; sorry but I won't be much help.


King Curtis (one of th top saxophonist of th '50s and '60's)

Only the Lonely--Roy Orbison

I got two birds with one thought!

before drive-bys, we employed ride-bys on our bicycles, splatterin corn across front porches, makin a lotta racket, but no one got killed. They jus knew th Gumer St. Gangsters had been there. (4th grade gang in Dayton, Ohio, when I was th CEO)

Scooter Rathenberg (?)

do Mexican gurlz say, "O mi Dios" like gringo gurlz say, "Oh My God"?

"I saw Lon Chaney walkin with th Queen, and he was drinkin Piña Coladas at Trader Vics.
And his hair was perfect." (i like that line)

"Little old lady got mutilated last night." (some lyrics from Werewolves of London)

I only need you when I have a lotta frozen groceries to put away.
th only time I ever drank Gin was durin a severe blizzard. Mixed it with
OJ. called it Orange Demon.

It's not that I expect so much; it's jus that I accept so little.

Dino Martino Gambino

What kind of message does that send to th rest of th Universe? (?)

people can only be as mean to you as ya let em be. Tell em to Fuck off! (some advice I gave to a gurl)

band name--you too

mushy mouthed Tom Brokaw reminds me of Brian (?) Crawford----Highway Patrol dude--needs to learn to E-Nun-Ci-ate

par-mis-ian Cheese, does it grow on trees?

pissin in a dark bathroom by th light of th Bic

why don't they make earrings in th likeness of th person wearin em?

fee-gee bee-gee box (?)

i love th pleasure of pain (overheard)

glass hammers don't last long.

as cosmo topper would say, "Bullshit!"

avoid nuclear explosions like th plague

it's not a mobile rail. you're not supposed to lean on it. it's a fuckin car! (some advice i gave to some peoples leanin on my ride)

why did my betting system go awry?

is th earth wobblin on it's axis? is it part of th axis of evil?

dumb gurl. exquisite writing. how? intelligence (? you got me, i only wrote it Ha ha)

brutish british oppression

how much energy does th wall absorb when you roll a ball into it?

th New Bruce Wayne--"I'm not Batman any more! Been there-done that. I collect grasshoppers now."

i know this gurl named julia who's pregnant. she's pregnant all th time. 24/7. i know cus she tells me everyday about it. it's interesting---then it's boring.

starvin marvin

there was a party in my neighborhood tonite. cars everywhere. Peoples walkin up and down th streets to get there. i wasn't invited. i'm a Bad Neighbor! They don't like me I guess. Fine! No more fireworks displays for you guys.

let th dart fly straight and true. do not send it awry. (advice to a dart player)

Ode to Winter--Fuck you--Go away!

Snarin a here. i saw D-Rock chase a rabbit down th street outta sight.

news guy said galaxies were colliding with each other doin hundreds of miles an hour. 100's mph Ha ha that stupid fuck.

bicyclist rights-what are they good for? absolutely nothin! Meaningless babble.

note: if yer writin a poem, snooze rhymes with canoes

on Hubris---th higher ya go, th longer th fall.


OK, now I can throw all these pieces of scrap paper away. Clutterin up my house and mind. Begone!

th cap'm

P.S. I found it a bit embarrasin to note in that bit where I was telling ya how to impress yer friends by insertin th word "smutch" in yer conversation, that I mis-spelled "Upon" in th subject line as, "Opon". He he My mind was driftin at th time, y'see? Jus a little slip of th mind. It coulda happened to any one, right?

Subject: A Harbinger of Horror; Return of La Cucuracha
Friday, July 25, 2008 1:12 PM

Hey, looky here, I have been in this particular crib now goin on 8 years and with th exception of this one morning I have been cockroach free.

A bit of background is in order here: As ya may recall, fer years I shared my dwellings with thousands of members of th Cucuracha Community. I didn't like it. It wasn't by choice.

They just always gravitated to the same places I did. And if ya happened to be a cockroach, ya couldn't ask for a better host than myself. Fer yer average cockroach, it was like, "cockroach heaven on earth", cuz when it comes to, "Food Discipline", I was extremely lax, thereby creatin conditions conducive to Cockroach Communities.

We were at constant war. Over the years I became a 'Preferred' Customer' of Johnson and Son, Inc. because of my voluminous purchases of Raid. Each year I made the annual pilgrimage to Racine, Ill. where I was presented with a large trophy topped with a man holdin a spray can.

But, in spite of all my efforts, all th spray bombs, and hundreds of cans of Raid; no matter what lengths I went to, th Cucuracha population increased year by year. But in all fairness to myself, keep in mind, these are th same critters who have been around fer some 165+ millions of years.

When th comet hit Earth 65 million years ago, wipin out most existin life forms, includin th dinosaurs, when th ashes settled and th colossal climatic changes that occurred had finally ebbed after some millions of years, it was these same cockroaches who came out of th rubble and were doing th Mambo.

They have proven to be rather resilient to say th least. In my situation, they became so brazen and bold that when I went into th kitchen and turned on th light, they didn't even bother to go thru a charade of scurryin fer th darkness any more. They went, like,

"Big deal. It's jus th cap't. Ho-hum!"

and they continued saunterin leisurely about th cabinets, tables and left over foods lyin about, as though they didn't have a care in th world. Seein that attitude, it was then I realised I was defeated. I knew it! Whadda'ya gonna do?

Think of th numbers involved! How many cockroaches do ya think there are in the world? Huh? Quite a damn few I dare say. Trillions!

And then..... there's ME!..... sheeit!

Talk about Mission Impossible! These 'chicken-shits' (my apologies to th Capon Community) don't have th cojones to take me on, Mano a Mano. as it were.....nooooooo, they know I'd squash em like a bug! Well anyway, I gave up th field of battle....I folded my tent and silently slid away in th middle of the night leavin no forwarding address. I lost em!!

And everything has been Good since then. And it was Good!.....Until.....early this mornin......when I went into my kitchen fer a sip of milk Glug Glug and as I was gettin ready to turn th light off, out of th corner of my eye, I noticed some movement about a plate I had left on th table.

"Hmmmmm" I thought, "Thas strange. All those scraps are supposed to be dead. There shouldn't be anything movin there!"

And so I peered closer fer a better look, and suddenly my blood froze and a chill went up my spine...LA CUCURACHA! The dirty little son-of-a bitch!! We made eye contact for a brief moment....and then he made a desperate run fer it, leapin off th table and headin fer th baseboard....but, my adrenaline was pumpin now.... I was too fast for im...and I brought my foot down on him hard....again and again and again.... and then some more again....... in an uncontrollable frenzy of Rage... until finally.... I leaned against the wall, breathin heavily, weak with exertion.

Eight fookin years! Ya dig!?

Clean!....cockroach-free...and now this!! I pondered th situation, fraught with all it's ominous portent fer me. Th possibilities!? Was this a lone dude who jus happened to enter my house tryin to get in out of th hot, sultry morning? Or, was he in fact, a scout? Merely th vanguard of those I thought I had left behind those many years ago? Was he able to communicate to his 'brothers' that conditions were ripe fer exploitation once again? Am I to be forced, once more, out of my comfortable lair, to seek out a new place of Refuge?

And, where I ask, would such a place be? A place where there are no cockroaches? Does such a place exist, other than in Man's Dreams? And so, I leave the house tonight, with a heavy heart and a bleak future. Well, Fuck It. This evening, I'm just gonna' get drunk anyway and abuse some substances and remember what Mr. Natural would say about th situation, as he sez bout everything,

"It Don't Mean Sheeit!"

I'm gonna cling to that. A good Philosophy to live by kids.

th cap'm

P.S. By th ways boyz n gurlz, remember this time of year when it swelters; always leave yer windows in yer car cracked a bit, cuz polar bears can die in hot cars!

Subject: Opon Bein Popular and Impressin Yer Friends
Friday, July 25, 2008 12:29 PM

The Setting: It's a warm, sunny day, and yer sittin on th patio of yer favorite bistro.

You are conversin with a friend and ya say,

"Gee, there is a smutch on my shirt. Dang, I've really gone and smutched it this time."

And yer friend says,

"I do beg yer pardon! A smutch? I don't believe I'm familiar with that term?"

And you reply,

"Smutch, a Noun, meaning------ a stain or spot of dirt. Or.... as a Verb----- to stain or soil something."

And they look at ya with a look of sheer envy and say,

"Gee whiz, yer Rilly Somethin'! Y'know that?!"

And, tryin to avoid even a trace of smugness, ya shrug it off with a slightly dismissive wave of yer hand, and retort,

"Oh pshaw, it's nothin."

th cap'm

PS. Try this and watch th glow of Pride in yer friend's face jus to be in yer Presence.

Subject: Compromisin One's Ethics
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 3:55 AM

Ms Daisy, (an affectionate nic-name I have fer my elderly lady employer) recently had her great grandkid gurlz over and she had to buy some Gurl Scout Cookies from em.

So. she gave me two boxes. I started to protest! To tell her, No Way! To tell her I refused to subsidize a far-right wing, neo-con, jingoistic Organization of Young Female Patriot Gurls. But, decorum didn't give me an option. So, I took em! I got two boxes of some Caramel Delights. An apt name, I assure ya.

OK, now, I jus wanna say this, whatever faults one may find in this Organization, lemme be clear about this one thing tho;

Those Gurl Scouts know how to make good cookies!

I made a Pig of myself. Oink! Oink! And I didn't give a shit what they did with th monies Ms Daisy had to pay fer em. They could be buyin assault weapons fer th Gurlz fer all I care. Right now, I jus want some more fuckin Cookies, OK?! I don't have time fer no Morality Issues, aw'right! But, I know I won't be able to cop til tomorrow.

Oh, Curses! I was warned; after that first bite, ya can never go back. So, whutta I'm gonna do in th meantime? Now, I'm jus another Gurl Scout Cookie Junkie with a bad Jones. So, beware of young innocent lookin gurlz on th street tryin to sell ya a box o cookies, cuz, otherwise, like, one day you'll wake up in th gutter, havin no memory of when ya last bathed, rememberin nothin really, can barely remember yer own name, only knowin ya gotta score, reel quick!

th cap'm

P.S. An associate told me that at th annual Gurl Scout Jamboree, where they used to get a bunch of th gurlz on stage, and they all did a choreographed version of th Hokey-Pokey: that they now do th Dirty Boogie; Gurl Scout Style. I dunno.


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