joe dreck
July 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, wants to know —
Did the cockroach find out about the cookie?

Subject: De Cap'm, he like th babblin brook!
Saturday, July 26, 2008 2:45 PM

Sometimes in th saloon, I think of somthin I'd like to write about, but short term memory bein compromised now, I jot a little somthin down, so perhaps later, my mind can recall where I was headed.

Th problem here tho is that, often when re-readin these little bits of mnemonic aids, I am unable to read my scribblins. Or more often, am unable to translate em into anythin that makes any sense.

Like, here's a few examples of some stuff I found. And if ya get a bit confused; sorry but I won't be much help.


King Curtis (one of th top saxophonist of th '50s and '60's)

Only the Lonely--Roy Orbison

I got two birds with one thought!

before drive-bys, we employed ride-bys on our bicycles, splatterin corn across front porches, makin a lotta racket, but no one got killed. They jus knew th Gumer St. Gangsters had been there. (4th grade gang in Dayton, Ohio, when I was th CEO)

Scooter Rathenberg (?)

do Mexican gurlz say, "O mi Dios" like gringo gurlz say, "Oh My God"?

"I saw Lon Chaney walkin with th Queen, and he was drinkin Piña Coladas at Trader Vics.
And his hair was perfect." (i like that line)

"Little old lady got mutilated last night." (some lyrics from Werewolves of London)

I only need you when I have a lotta frozen groceries to put away.
th only time I ever drank Gin was durin a severe blizzard. Mixed it with
OJ. called it Orange Demon.

It's not that I expect so much; it's jus that I accept so little.

Dino Martino Gambino

What kind of message does that send to th rest of th Universe? (?)

people can only be as mean to you as ya let em be. Tell em to Fuck off! (some advice I gave to a gurl)

band name--you too

mushy mouthed Tom Brokaw reminds me of Brian (?) Crawford----Highway Patrol dude--needs to learn to E-Nun-Ci-ate

par-mis-ian Cheese, does it grow on trees?

pissin in a dark bathroom by th light of th Bic

why don't they make earrings in th likeness of th person wearin em?

fee-gee bee-gee box (?)

i love th pleasure of pain (overheard)

glass hammers don't last long.

as cosmo topper would say, "Bullshit!"

avoid nuclear explosions like th plague

it's not a mobile rail. you're not supposed to lean on it. it's a fuckin car! (some advice i gave to some peoples leanin on my ride)

why did my betting system go awry?

is th earth wobblin on it's axis? is it part of th axis of evil?

dumb gurl. exquisite writing. how? intelligence (? you got me, i only wrote it Ha ha)

brutish british oppression

how much energy does th wall absorb when you roll a ball into it?

th New Bruce Wayne--"I'm not Batman any more! Been there-done that. I collect grasshoppers now."

i know this gurl named julia who's pregnant. she's pregnant all th time. 24/7. i know cus she tells me everyday about it. it's interesting---then it's boring.

starvin marvin

there was a party in my neighborhood tonite. cars everywhere. Peoples walkin up and down th streets to get there. i wasn't invited. i'm a Bad Neighbor! They don't like me I guess. Fine! No more fireworks displays for you guys.

let th dart fly straight and true. do not send it awry. (advice to a dart player)

Ode to Winter--Fuck you--Go away!

Snarin a here. i saw D-Rock chase a rabbit down th street outta sight.

news guy said galaxies were colliding with each other doin hundreds of miles an hour. 100's mph Ha ha that stupid fuck.

bicyclist rights-what are they good for? absolutely nothin! Meaningless babble.

note: if yer writin a poem, snooze rhymes with canoes

on Hubris---th higher ya go, th longer th fall.


OK, now I can throw all these pieces of scrap paper away. Clutterin up my house and mind. Begone!

th cap'm

P.S. I found it a bit embarrasin to note in that bit where I was telling ya how to impress yer friends by insertin th word "smutch" in yer conversation, that I mis-spelled "Upon" in th subject line as, "Opon". He he My mind was driftin at th time, y'see? Jus a little slip of th mind. It coulda happened to any one, right?

Subject: A Harbinger of Horror; Return of La Cucuracha
Friday, July 25, 2008 1:12 PM

Hey, looky here, I have been in this particular crib now goin on 8 years and with th exception of this one morning I have been cockroach free.

A bit of background is in order here: As ya may recall, fer years I shared my dwellings with thousands of members of th Cucuracha Community. I didn't like it. It wasn't by choice.

They just always gravitated to the same places I did. And if ya happened to be a cockroach, ya couldn't ask for a better host than myself. Fer yer average cockroach, it was like, "cockroach heaven on earth", cuz when it comes to, "Food Discipline", I was extremely lax, thereby creatin conditions conducive to Cockroach Communities.

We were at constant war. Over the years I became a 'Preferred' Customer' of Johnson and Son, Inc. because of my voluminous purchases of Raid. Each year I made the annual pilgrimage to Racine, Ill. where I was presented with a large trophy topped with a man holdin a spray can.

But, in spite of all my efforts, all th spray bombs, and hundreds of cans of Raid; no matter what lengths I went to, th Cucuracha population increased year by year. But in all fairness to myself, keep in mind, these are th same critters who have been around fer some 165+ millions of years.

When th comet hit Earth 65 million years ago, wipin out most existin life forms, includin th dinosaurs, when th ashes settled and th colossal climatic changes that occurred had finally ebbed after some millions of years, it was these same cockroaches who came out of th rubble and were doing th Mambo.

They have proven to be rather resilient to say th least. In my situation, they became so brazen and bold that when I went into th kitchen and turned on th light, they didn't even bother to go thru a charade of scurryin fer th darkness any more. They went, like,

"Big deal. It's jus th cap't. Ho-hum!"

and they continued saunterin leisurely about th cabinets, tables and left over foods lyin about, as though they didn't have a care in th world. Seein that attitude, it was then I realised I was defeated. I knew it! Whadda'ya gonna do?

Think of th numbers involved! How many cockroaches do ya think there are in the world? Huh? Quite a damn few I dare say. Trillions!

And then..... there's ME!..... sheeit!

Talk about Mission Impossible! These 'chicken-shits' (my apologies to th Capon Community) don't have th cojones to take me on, Mano a Mano. as it were.....nooooooo, they know I'd squash em like a bug! Well anyway, I gave up th field of battle....I folded my tent and silently slid away in th middle of the night leavin no forwarding address. I lost em!!

And everything has been Good since then. And it was Good!.....Until.....early this mornin......when I went into my kitchen fer a sip of milk Glug Glug and as I was gettin ready to turn th light off, out of th corner of my eye, I noticed some movement about a plate I had left on th table.

"Hmmmmm" I thought, "Thas strange. All those scraps are supposed to be dead. There shouldn't be anything movin there!"

And so I peered closer fer a better look, and suddenly my blood froze and a chill went up my spine...LA CUCURACHA! The dirty little son-of-a bitch!! We made eye contact for a brief moment....and then he made a desperate run fer it, leapin off th table and headin fer th baseboard....but, my adrenaline was pumpin now.... I was too fast for im...and I brought my foot down on him hard....again and again and again.... and then some more again....... in an uncontrollable frenzy of Rage... until finally.... I leaned against the wall, breathin heavily, weak with exertion.

Eight fookin years! Ya dig!?

Clean!....cockroach-free...and now this!! I pondered th situation, fraught with all it's ominous portent fer me. Th possibilities!? Was this a lone dude who jus happened to enter my house tryin to get in out of th hot, sultry morning? Or, was he in fact, a scout? Merely th vanguard of those I thought I had left behind those many years ago? Was he able to communicate to his 'brothers' that conditions were ripe fer exploitation once again? Am I to be forced, once more, out of my comfortable lair, to seek out a new place of Refuge?

And, where I ask, would such a place be? A place where there are no cockroaches? Does such a place exist, other than in Man's Dreams? And so, I leave the house tonight, with a heavy heart and a bleak future. Well, Fuck It. This evening, I'm just gonna' get drunk anyway and abuse some substances and remember what Mr. Natural would say about th situation, as he sez bout everything,

"It Don't Mean Sheeit!"

I'm gonna cling to that. A good Philosophy to live by kids.

th cap'm

P.S. By th ways boyz n gurlz, remember this time of year when it swelters; always leave yer windows in yer car cracked a bit, cuz polar bears can die in hot cars!

Subject: Opon Bein Popular and Impressin Yer Friends
Friday, July 25, 2008 12:29 PM

The Setting: It's a warm, sunny day, and yer sittin on th patio of yer favorite bistro.

You are conversin with a friend and ya say,

"Gee, there is a smutch on my shirt. Dang, I've really gone and smutched it this time."

And yer friend says,

"I do beg yer pardon! A smutch? I don't believe I'm familiar with that term?"

And you reply,

"Smutch, a Noun, meaning------ a stain or spot of dirt. Or.... as a Verb----- to stain or soil something."

And they look at ya with a look of sheer envy and say,

"Gee whiz, yer Rilly Somethin'! Y'know that?!"

And, tryin to avoid even a trace of smugness, ya shrug it off with a slightly dismissive wave of yer hand, and retort,

"Oh pshaw, it's nothin."

th cap'm

PS. Try this and watch th glow of Pride in yer friend's face jus to be in yer Presence.

Subject: Compromisin One's Ethics
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 3:55 AM

Ms Daisy, (an affectionate nic-name I have fer my elderly lady employer) recently had her great grandkid gurlz over and she had to buy some Gurl Scout Cookies from em.

So. she gave me two boxes. I started to protest! To tell her, No Way! To tell her I refused to subsidize a far-right wing, neo-con, jingoistic Organization of Young Female Patriot Gurls. But, decorum didn't give me an option. So, I took em! I got two boxes of some Caramel Delights. An apt name, I assure ya.

OK, now, I jus wanna say this, whatever faults one may find in this Organization, lemme be clear about this one thing tho;

Those Gurl Scouts know how to make good cookies!

I made a Pig of myself. Oink! Oink! And I didn't give a shit what they did with th monies Ms Daisy had to pay fer em. They could be buyin assault weapons fer th Gurlz fer all I care. Right now, I jus want some more fuckin Cookies, OK?! I don't have time fer no Morality Issues, aw'right! But, I know I won't be able to cop til tomorrow.

Oh, Curses! I was warned; after that first bite, ya can never go back. So, whutta I'm gonna do in th meantime? Now, I'm jus another Gurl Scout Cookie Junkie with a bad Jones. So, beware of young innocent lookin gurlz on th street tryin to sell ya a box o cookies, cuz, otherwise, like, one day you'll wake up in th gutter, havin no memory of when ya last bathed, rememberin nothin really, can barely remember yer own name, only knowin ya gotta score, reel quick!

th cap'm

P.S. An associate told me that at th annual Gurl Scout Jamboree, where they used to get a bunch of th gurlz on stage, and they all did a choreographed version of th Hokey-Pokey: that they now do th Dirty Boogie; Gurl Scout Style. I dunno.

Subject: "War Crimes Suspect Quizzed"
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 7:45 AM

Ok, th above was a headline on my homepage. I didn't click it on to read th whole story, cuz it's early in th morn, and time to rack out, but I figured it was about th former Serbian prez who they've been lookin fer fer many years.

I did find it a bit amusin tho: he's bein "quizzed". Ha ha Knowin what we know now bout Amerikan "quizzin" techniques, I kinda doubt whether they're playin 20 Questions with im. I'm thinkin this would be th kinda "quiz" one hopes not to experience. Could get one's day off to a bad start, and only get worse. One always dreads un-expected pop-quizes such as that.

th cap'm

Subject: Breakfast Snack
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 6:32 AM

OK, ya'll, I just arrived back to th crib a few minutes ago. I was hongry y'dig! So, I went into th lab and proceeded to fix up myself a bite to eat.

I found a nice pkg of Johnsonville Home Style Cheddar Cheese Sausage. But there was only one sausage left there. And bein th careful Consumer I am, I took th trouble to read th pkg. It said,

"Sell before 4/19/08"

Cool! I figured I was in th Safe Zone, eh? Whas a few months here and there, huh! But before I put it in th Radar Range, I noticed a large, bluish, green spot about th size of a guarter on one end. Damn! Fucked up that whole end.

It was un-appetizin, I'm tellin ya. Curses! So, what I did was; I cut off th offendin end and jus tossed it aside like yesterday's garbage. And altho I didn't get to eat th two ends of th dog I had originally planned on, I did still eat th two ends of th remainin dog, if ya know what ahm sayin. I always think it's important ya wrap up all th loose ends, y'know what I'm talkin bout?

Try these some time before retirin of an early morn. Makes fer a pleasant early mornin repast. But... don't eat th blue, green parts!

th cap'm

Subject: Sigh! How quickly They Grow Up!
Saturday, July 19, 2008 6:48 PM

A friend of mine was tellin me earlier that a friend of hers visited with her to show her (my friend) her (my friend's friend) new baby girl. She jus got her recently, bout four months ago. I think Wal-Mart was havin a sale on em at th time. Naturally, like everything else in this country, she was made in China.

But, anyway, she jus had th baby's ears pierced a few days ago and wanted to show th baby off with em. Now, I dunno, mebbe this is jus th rantings and ravings of a drool infested old geezer, but isn't that rushin things jus a bit?

Am I outta touch here? Has my finger slipped off th pulse? Am I left stranded at th station once again? It seems th Culture Bus is movin waay too fast fer me.

Now, I'm curious tho. I wonder if she plans on waitin til th baby is six months old, before she can wear lipstick and makeup? What about a small nose piercing? Maybe a small butterfly tattoo on her little butt cheek? Is her first training bra far behind? I mean, what th hell they waitin fer?

Sheeit, let's stop this jivin around and get on with th program!!

th cap'm

Subject: An Ill Omen; But What Doth It Portend?
Saturday, July 19, 2008 4:44 PM

My Radar Range, or as you younger folks would call it, my Micro-Wave Oven, sounds like a jackhammer. It's gotten reel fookin noisy. Is this serious? Does it mean it's gettin ready to explode like th last one?

Should I retire to th dining room when it's in an operational mode, or better yet perhaps, to my secret fallout shelter? Should I build a brick wall around it? Need I alert my neighbors? Th Haz-Mat Squad?

Or, will it maybe repair it's own damn bad self? Whas th proper procedure here?

Clueless in KC,

th cap'm

Subject: Photo Etiquette
Thursday, July 17, 2008 9:33 PM

Last nite, at th saloon, bein a birthday bash and all, there was a lotta picture takin goin on, groups, individuals and so on. I happened to notice one dude who got into several group photos. Each time, he would stick his tongue out of th side of his mouth, contort his face, and bulge his eyes out! I dunno, he was prolly cross-eyed too. Why do some fuckin morons do that whenever they get in a picture? I mean, ya expect children to do that sorta thing, cus y'know, well they're childs, and childs do childish things, but why would an adult do it? Is it an attempt to return to those years of th eight year old? Is it an attention getting maneuver? Is he challengin his momma's warning that his face wiill freeze that way? Whas th point, is what I'm askin?

I'm sure ya must know some one like that yerself. Sure ya do; everybody does. Look thru some of yer old photos. There's always one in every crowd. When ya find one, do ya go,

"Oh, look, there's Earl. haha What a cut-up he was. He was reely a character, wasn't he!?"

I assume thas what they want ya to remember bout them. Myself, when I come across one of those pics I go,

"Oh look, there's Earl, whatta dumb fuck he was! Man, he was an Asshole wasn't he!?"

Aw'right, so, looky here, if I come around with my camera, tryin to take a picture of you; don't cross yer eyes, don't scrunch up yer face, don't let yer tongue loll outta yer mouth; don't do that, OK? Cuz if ya do, years from now, when I look over those old photos, all I'll remember bout you; is what a fuckin mook ya were.

h cap'm

Subject: Bringin In A Heavy Hitter
Thursday, July 17, 2008 12:37 PM

Last nite, at th saloon, was a lively scene. They were havin a birthday party fer Mz Laura, one of th barmaids and they had a couple of young DJ's doin their thing. Y'know, these guyz had all th equipment there on th stage. Turn tables and amps, speakers and wires goin all over th place, boxes of records, head phones, th works! Y'know what I'm talking bout.

A young musician friend of mine stopped by my table to rap with me fer a sec. He's a Reggie (sometimes referred to as Reggae) kinda guy, Y'know mon, wit de dreadlocks and all. He was a bit tickled as he told me that earlier in th evenin, he was at a studio rehearsin fer an upcomin gig, when he got a phone call from th two DJ's. It was an emergency! They needed his help, right pronto now. They were all set up and almost ready to go. But, they had a serious problem. He asked em,

"Whassa matter, Mon?"

They said, and this is no jive, I'm not smokin ya,


HAR HAR I let out a guffaw. Can ya dig it?! They had all this complicated and interconnected equipment set up, but they didn't know how to TURN IT ON! Oh Mercy!!

It would be like buildin yer own race car, and then, jus before th race, call up a buddy and have him come over and start th engine fer ya! Kinda made me wonder jus what kinda show they were gonna put on, if their main problem was; how to turn th whole fookin mess on? Ha ha

But, once they overcame that minor obstacle. they did OK!

th cap'm

Subject: Mrs. McCain
Wednesday, July 16, 2008 3:22 AM

Th next time ya happen to see John McCain givin a speech and ya see his wife in th background, keep your attention on her. I'm tryin to be generous here, but have ya ever seen a more, grim, solemn, un-smilin person before? She looks like some kind of automaton, one buys outta a catalogue, to act as some ones trophy wife.

She has th charisma of a rock. She stands there rock still, (see above) completely expressionless, th only movement is in th eyes. Watch her; her eyes dart around like she's one of McCain's Secret Service detail jus waitin fer some person to try and pie him or somthin. I dunno, mebbe she's jus been so over-botoxed she is incapable of smilin. But, her demeanor looks to me like she'd rather be any place else.

And altho she may own a very large beer distributorship, I kinda doubt if a beer has ever crossed her thin cruel lips. (cruel? is that too strong mebbe) She sure as hell doesn't strike me as some one I'd like to sit down with and have a Bud with and I'll give ya odds, she's never been bowlin before either.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course, cuz I've known several bowlers myself in my life and they were....well... um... y'know....well, never mind, it's not important anyway. But, If ya thought Obama looked ridiculous tryin to bowl, get a mental picture if ya can, of Cindy givin it a shot. Ha ha. I imagine she'd still be in her equestrian ridin outfit too, and altho I'm sure it wouldn't be easy tryin to bowl in ridin boots, I hardly think she'd be caught dead in some tacky bowlin shoes either.

Y'know, I wonder, hmmm? I wonder if there might be a spot fer me in th McCain campaign to jazz up their image a bit? I have some very nice black Stetson fedoras and white silk ties to wear with a black shirt and white suit that I think would give his image a little boost. A nice pair of very hip shades could complete th image.

And fer Cindy, mebbe a tasteful eye brow piercin, a bit of silver glitter about th eyes, some purple highlights in her mohawk, and a micro-mini with some thigh high white boots.

I think it would make a great counter to Obama and his wife's little fist bump fer th McCains to mebbe high-five each other. Can ya picture that one boyz n gurlz? Not jus yer ordinary. run-o-th-mill, but both of em leapin up and givin a loud resoundin high-five WHACK! Followed by a fist-pumpin power salute. YEAH!!! Now, that would make a good shot on th evening news, eh?

th cap'm

P.S. I wonder how I oughta go about offerin my services? Seein as how it's about three-ish mebbe it's too late to call now. Mebbe I oughta pitch my ideas some other, more auspicious time? Yeah, mebbe so. But, if ya see a new, different lookin McCain out there in th next few days, you'll know he's smarter than he appears!

Subject: Scott McClellans New Book, What Happened
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 11:17 PM

I finished McClellan's book earlier today. I'm a bit disappointed tho, becuz I had waited so long for it to become available, and I'm not sure if it was worth th wait. It just wasn't up to all th hype. However, havin said that, I would still recommend th book tho.

Basically, he jus confirmed what many of us have always suspected of the whole Bush Administration. And, it is an interesting behind th scenes look at the way politics is run in Washington. It's all a lot more complicated than it appears.

I found th last chapter, "Changing The Culture Of Deception", to have some interesting and intelligent ideas on some things that could be done to change th "permanent campaign" atmosphere that pervades politics in th White House. So, naturally, none of them will ever come to fruition.

To me, Obama seems to exemplify some of these notions, but, well, havin been burned by too many other politicians with lofty soundin th ancient Chinese Philosopher said, "We shall see." (why are all Chinese Philosophers characterised as "ancient"?)


P.S. With my keen eye fer detail and accuracy (stop th snickerin) I did discover a mistake in th book on page 121. If ya read th book, see if ya notice what I mean. Somebody shoulda caught that.

Subject: Immigration, And Some Minor Issues
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 2:12 PM

It's amazing isn't it how fast things change these days? Sometimes th pace is so swift one can hardly keep up with th changin times. Like this bit here below, written a short time before th congessional elections of '06. And today, who even remembers this stuff?

Tue, Aug 22, 2006, 1:15am To:

Election years are great aren't they? They allow our politicians to get us all excited about shit thas been right under our noses for a long time, but that they have done absolutely nothing about and have completely ignored. Then suddenly, they tell us they are very concerned!

That something must be done! Right now, every politician must be able to tell you where he stands on illegal immigration. It's a big, burning issue that must be resolved. But oh wait, did any one give a shit about illegal immigration six months ago? Fuck no.

Everybody had more important things to worry about, y'know, like Brad and Jen. Does Tom really care about this chick Katy, or is it all jus a publicity stunt? What is th marriage situation between Jessica and whatever th hell her husband's name was? Who has Paris been seen with this past week? These were th big issues peoples were dealing with six months ago.

If ya had asked some one what they thought about immigration like I did Earl, he said,

"Whut th hail are yew talkin about? Whut th hail is immigrashun? Is thet th stuff them Asian birds got?"

And so I took a second to explain what illegal immigration meant. Earl said,
"Hmmmm, I'll be damned!"

I saw Earl a couple days later and asked im what he thought bout what I'd said,

"Hey looky here hoss, I gots Chico and his crew puttin up new gutterin on mah house fer almos nothin, yew know! An besides thet, how muh gonna get a maid ta replace Maria on muh wages at th McDonald's?

So I was talkin to Chico yesterday bout it durin their lunch break, cuz I give em fifteen minutes to eat their tacos and stuff; well heck, how long does it take to eat two tacos? And he gave me this poem he wrote.

doan know why
all yoo peeple
are so down
on my peeple

we cleen yoor toilets
we mop yoor floors
we cook yoor foods
yoo treat us like whores

we beeld yoor houses
we peek yoor fruit
we wash yoor clothes
but yoo geeve us th boot

we have beeen here
for a lonng time seenyor
and yoo said notheeng
but now yoo are sore

now yoo wanna
beeld a great wall
to keeep us out
hey ese, whas that all about?

yoo have eelection now
yoo make beeg steenk
but wheen it's over
yoo weel geeve us a weenk

so we go baack to workk
deegeen yoor deetches
but joo still pay us notheeng
for beeing yoor beetches

so theees is wat i say
hey greengos
leesen up
chinga tu madre,

Beaners, shoot, caint even spell properly. And then he demanded I start payin em three dollars an hour! And to add insult to injury, now they wanna half hour fer lunch! Shooot.Talk about a gougin goin on!!

So nows I'm fed up I tell ya. I've had it. I think there's a lot of merit to thet proposal that we oughta round em all up, all 12 million of em, y'know, and put em someplace, and then ship em all back to Mehico. Heck if we loaded em up on busses, 50 at a time, and sent a bus off every ten minutes, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it'd only take 4 and a half years to get rid of em all. And I think ya could do it too with prolly no more than say, twenty-five or thirty thousand busses.

And by th time we got rid of em all, we'd have th wall built to keep em out permanently. And we'd create12 million new chobs so no amerikkan would ever be without a chob. Think of th opportunities. College grads wuldn't have to worry bout whether they's be able to get a chob on graduation anymore, cuz there'd be plenty of openins out there in th strawberry patch. And no more homeless peoples buggin ya at stoplights anymore.

And nother thing, Iran! Nuke em! Turn Iran into a giant glass topped parkin lot. Hell, we got ten thousand of those damned things jus lyin around goin to waste.

And while we're at it, we could unload a hunnert of em on N. Korea too and not even know they were missin. That would solve a number of problems includin their own inability to feed they own selves. Y'know, th old sayin,

"Dead Koreans eat no rice!" har har

And nother thing, as long as we're tidyin up, this would be a good time to put th kabosh on th Chinese ambitions to take over our place in th world as Numbah One! We reely don't need any more Chinese restaurants anyway, do we! Don't those folks know whut a cow is?

And finally, I don't guess I gotta draw ya a picture of how to deal with our Cuban neighbors down there to th south, do I?

Can ya say, "Mushroom clouds over Havana?"

That Earl! Whatta character, eh? Aw'right now boyz n gurlz, ya might think these are jus th ravins of an ignernt clodhopper, but these things are not as far fetched as one might think, cuz fortunately, we have a President who is willing to take bold, decisive action to protect our Freedoms and to promote Democracy to Peace loving peoples everywhere.

God bless Amerikka!

th cap'm


And so here we are kiddies, jus two years later and no one even cares bout those things any more, altho if I was yew, I'd think twice bout takin a vacation to Iran this year. Ya might better wait til th dust settles

th cap'm

Subject: I'm Curious, I wonder what happened?
Saturday, July 12, 2008 3:37 PM

I just got Scott McClellan's new book from th library on his experiences as White House Press Secretary called What Happened.

And yesterday, jus co-incidentally, I happened to come across this little bit I wrote when he resigned from th White House over two years ago.


Wed, Apr 19, 2006, 7:05pm
Subject: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I would be willing to bet that tonight, Scott McCllelan gets his first good night's sleep in a couple of years, knowing that tomorrow, he will not have to face a national TV audience and try and explain away th Chicanery, Incompetence and Foolishness that is th George W, Bush Administration.

th cap'm

P.S. Heck, (as they say in Bushland) he might even break out th Mad Dog and th bong just to be sure.


I'm lookin forward to see what Scott has to say about it all. I know I shouldn't cuz I know it's gonna piss me off, but sometimes ya jus gotta do what ya gotta do, eh?!

th cap'm

Subject: A Bummer Way To Wake Up!
Saturday, July 12, 2008 1:51 PM

Earlier today, upon awakening, I bumbled my way to th water closet. With my first glace in th mirror I was shocked at th visage lookin back at me. It was HORRIBLE, I tell ya!! I couldn't believe what I was seein.

Aw'right, stop th snickerin. It wasn't my image that shocked me; it was what was missin. See, what happened was, earlier in th day I had picked up a new ear ring. I always wear my diamond, and danglin underneath it, is my 1941 Mercury Head Dime earing which I've been wearin fer th last twenty-five years. See, it's like a "two earings, one ear" kinda scenario, ya'know what I mean!?

In all th time I had had that combination I had never lost th diamond. I had lost th dime several times (but always found it) but never th diamond. So, jus fer th occasional change of pace, I had a sterling silver skull earing that I had had two very nice rubies put in th eye sockets. (i know, kinda trite) It is prolly twice as heavy as th dime; thus evidently stretchin th hole in my ear. So, last nite was th first time I'd ever worn these two together.

Before I left th crib, I had noticed that th diamond was at an odd askance angle. So, I straightened it out and made sure that th little gadget on th back was secure, y'know, so as to prevent th damned thing from fallin out.

OK, now comes th Shocker if ya haven't guessed already by now. I immediately noticed that my 2G diamond ear ring wasn't home, where it shoulda been. It was AWOL. Gone. Phttt! Poof! I let out a stream of vulgar language, which I won't repeat here, y'know; th kiddies and all.

But Fuck, Shit, Piss! I was bitterly dismayed. I had seen th warnin signs earlier, but had dismissed em. Oh, I cursed and screamed at th heavens! Ten Thousand Curses!

I immediately searched my Sleeping Zone. Over and over! And then again. I searched everywhere, yeah, even th freezer got a good goin over. But it was not to be found. So, I called in th heavy guns. Thas right, I appealed to St. Anthony, who as ya know, is about as reliable as ya can get. I searched again. Nada!

So, as a long shot I called th bar and asked if they had found it. Nope. But I decided to go and check fer myself. I took my super-flashlight and checked all around where I'd been sittin, but they had already swept th floor. One of th guys who works there was helpin me too. He was shiftin thru th debris they had swept up and put in a plastic trash bag. While I was lookin under one of th tables, this guy Brandon, yelled out,

"Charley, I got it!" in a voice of triumph!

And he held it up in his hand. I let out a loud, "ZOUNDS" in exclamation and
Joy. Man, I was tickled. I told im,

"May th gods grant you Good Fortune and Prosperity."

And I laid a yard on im fer his discovery. He didn't wanna take it. I had to almost force it into his hand. But sheeit, if some one had ear-napped that and told me th ransome was a lousy hundred bucks. I wouldn't have quibbled one bit. Besides, I've always felt good deeds need to be rewarded, even jus a little bit as in his case.

Once again boyz n gurlz, St. Anthony came thru fer me again! Th guy will always be Aces in my book! I can't begin to give im th credit he deserves. I jus wish there was some way I could pay im back fer all th stuff he's found fer me over th years.

Well, anyway kids, I got my earing back, Brandon got a C-note, St. Anthony got my unendin Gratitude....and they all lived happily ever after.

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know, th Irony of it all is that last nite I woke up several times and put my finger to my ear cuz I was checkin to make sure my new earing was still there. I guess I sensed that somethin jus didn't feel right.

Subject: Language Barriers
Friday, July 11, 2008 4:32 PM

My son was in town this past week visitin from St. Louie. We were in th mood fer some Mexican foods, so we went down to Sol Azteca on th Boulevard.
Their entire staff is Hispanic; some barely speak English, others none at all. When th lady bought our salsa and chips to th table, I asked her,

"Scuse me, do you have any specials today?"

Her reaction was unusual, to say th least. She looked as tho she'd jus seen a Mongolian Death Worm, or perhaps a Chupacabra. In any case, th look of sheer Horror on her face was palpable. As her eyes bulged out and her mouth widened in shock, she threw her hands in front of her face, as if to protect herself and scurried away, mutterin somthin in Español.

Not sure if I was jus reading more into what I saw, I looked at my son fer his reaction? He said with a big grin on his face,

"What th fuck did you jus say to her?"

And I said,

"Whadda ya mean? You heard what I said! I jus asked if they had any specials?"

And he started laffin and said,

"Well, from her reaction, it looks as if you just told her you were going to rape her and slit her throat!"

"I Did Not! I jus asked her if they had any 'specials' today."

And we both cracked up, chortlin and guffawin. I told him, I said, "See! This kinda shit happens to me alla time. I didn't do nothin wrong! And look what happens!"

This poor terrified woman went over and spoke to another lady who was our waitress, I guess, and pointed at us. Jason and I were still laffin when she came to th table. In retrospect, she prolly thought we were still laffin over what ever crude remark I was supposed to have said. I told her we were wonderin if they had any specials today?

She looked at me with a blank, not so friendly kinda stare and pointed out on th menu th daily lunches. So we ate our lunch, and everytime we described th looks and reaction of that one woman, we would laff again. But, all in all, a very good and entertainin lunch.

By th way, if ya like Mexican, Sol Azteca is a good place to go. They got good Mexican foods there, nice portions and in-expensive too. Ya jus gotta be careful what ya say there tho. Reel careful!

th bi-lingual el capitano

P.S. When we left I thought this might be a good place to practice some Spanish expressions, so as I walked out th door, I said,

"Chinga tu Madre!"

which as I'm sure ya know, means, roughly translated,

"Have a nice day!"

Subject: A Joke
Wednesday, July 9, 2008 2:54 PM

I don't usually pass on jokes, but this one did appeal to my kind of humor. This was from my Cuz, Ms Clara


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb.. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


Ha ha see what I mean?

th cap'm

Subject: Some Feedback On Patriotism
Wednesday, July 9, 2008 2:28 PM

Below are a few comments some of my friends sent me about my rant on Patiotism. My amigo, New Yawk Dave wrote me somewhat sarcastically, I like to think,

"it's people like you who don't deserve to live in a great country like ours. you talk about little miscues like in nam and iraq and conveniently forget to mention america's triumphs. remember granada? panama?

I wrote im back,

"yeah, i know, i'm surprised you didn't include the mayaguez incident too. our final triump of the vietnam era."

My bud, Ernie wrote,

"Captain, the reason they play the national anthem (which there wasn't one until the 1920s) before events dates to the depression. It was instituted by FDR to give musicians a job. Of course these days it is canned music.

I will respectfully disagree with you on Afganistan. We are there because of the Taliban and al Qada's attack on Sept 11 (I refuse to call it 9/11 as that is what those fuckers want, us to associate the day with an emergency call -- 911).

Of course Shrub cut an ran from Afganistan as soon as he could muster enough half-truths to avenge Poppy in Iraq (of course Bush 1 had enough sense to get out when there was no support for removing Sadam). Now the Taliban has regained it's strength and will probably take over Afganistan again. If you haven't seen Charlie Wilson's War you have missed a great explanation on why they hate us and don't trust us over there. We abandoned them to the Taliban following the Soviets exit and we are doing it again."

I repled,

"well ernie i certainly agree with you on our justification for invading afghanistan originally. but..... what have we actually accomplished there since?

sure, we defeated th taliban. but, oh wait... seven years later, th taliban is re-emerging and are as strong as ever, and as you mentioned, could possibly take th country over again.

we allowed bin laden to escape into pakistan where he probably remains to this day.

so, what do we have to show for our seven year involvement? well, for starters, we created th largest narco-state ever. th karzai govt is pretty much of a joke and his govt cannot, or will not, take on th narco-warlords who actually run th country. almost all of th heroin in th world comes from this place, where bin laden still rules much of it thru his surrogates, th taliban, becuz our miltary forces there are stretched so thin due to our committments in iraq.

so.... again th question? what have we actually accomplished there? Sigh we might just as well stayed home.

as for deserting th afghan peoples, they should have taken a look at hungary in1956 and czechoslovakia in 1968 and vietnam and th kurds after th 1st gulf war. there was plenty of evidence of amerikan perfidy and broken promises.
so, when some one sez,

"don't worry! th amerikans have promised to help us"

translation: in what ever language is apropos,

"Oh fuck, we're shit outta luck!"

my good friend judy wrote, who always has such nice things to say,
"I always love reading your "take" on things. I'd say you're right up there with Tim Russert (and I'm not being sarcastic).I know how much you admired the man.

Your version would have to be "censored" of course (because of naughty language!!) so I'm glad I get the full, uncut version, directly to my email box - so I can chuckle to myself and say, "Oh, that Charley. He is a wise, wise man." (And I mean THAT sincerely too!)"

see what i mean by nice things? and then tommy said,

"Maybe if you took a real hot chick in a American Flag bikini to court with you they will realize what a patriot you is. TD"

i replied,

"you'll never guess what happened? th mutherfucking cop didn't show up again. case dismissed. fucking assholes! on A FUCKING PARKING TICKET."


I imagine many others were jus too outraged to respond, fearing perhaps about their blood pressure.

th cap'm

Subject: Patriotism: "Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light...."
Monday, July 7, 2008 12:58 PM

With th passin of th Fourth, some times I think peoples can get carried away with all th jingoistic brouhaha associated with Patriotism. Like, fr'instance, peoples criticized Obama for not wearin an Amerikan flag pin on his lapel. How fuckin ridiculous! Tell me somthin: are YOU wearin a flag pin on yer shirt or blouse right now? Yeah, I know yer not! But is that any indication of yer Patriotism?

Well, fuck no it isn't! But ya polly figure yer as patriotic as th next person, don't ya, yet peoples attacked him as bein un-patriotic fer not doin so!?

I was amused a while back, when on Chris Matthews show, some jerk was criticizin Obama fer not wearin a flag pin on his lapel. Cris noted that he wasn't wearin one either and asked if he was a such a patriot, why didn't he have a pin too? Of course th dumb fuck had no answer to that. Got a reel kick outta watchin him squirm.

Then I saw a buffoon on th news Friday, th 4th, who had, I dunno, mebbe 50 flags all over his lawn and porch. This ol duffer said he jus thought it was important that we honor and respect th flag. And, th Irony is that this fool was wearin a shirt made outta an Amerikan flag. Ha ha. And ya know what; it wasn't that long ago, he woulda been ostracised and run outta th Amerikan Legion Hall fer disrespectin th flag like that. Sheeit. Wearin it as a shirt? Blasphemy! Heresy! But I guess he forgot about those times.

And fer some reason Sports and Patriotism seem to be linked. They both share th same jargon. I don't get it. Is it cuz of th Olympics? Is that where th patriotic connection comes in? Why do they play th National Anthem before th football, baseball, basketball games? Why do all sports teams wear an Amerikan flag on their uniforms or helmets? Sheeit, we already know they're Amerikan teams, even tho half of em may be from a foreign country. When I see th New Yawk Giants play, I already know they're not from Zimbabwe. So....whas up with that?

Even out at th dog track, they have four very large Amerikan flags hangin on th walls in th lobby, plus one hangin from a pedestal. Thas jus to make sure ya know yer not in Albania, I spose. Ya'know how it is sometimes, it's been a long tuff nite, yer heads still not right, ya look around in confusion; and ya see a flag, and then ya go,

"Oh yeah, thas right, WE'RE IN AMERIKA! COOL!"

And before th hounds commence to runnin, th announcer says in a very, deep solemn tone,

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please rise while we play th National Anthem in Honor of our young men and women who are fighting for Yours, and My, Freedom at this very moment."

Oh fuck! What bullshit! This is before a fucking dog race, y'unnerstan? Gimme a break, huh!? By th way, If yer one of those peoples who think we should play th Star Spangled Banner at games and so forth, think about this one! Would'ja have any objections to playin it before th movie starts? And if so; why? What about before Happy Hour? Mebbe th true Patriot plays it before th family settles down to th evening repast. And, it could be an excellent way to wake th kiddies up in th mornings. Well, jus some suggestions to help keep Amerika Strong.

Besides which, there are no Amerikans fighting for Our Freedom anyway! Oh sure, they're fighting and dying, and bein gravely wounded in body and Spirit every day; I'm sure as hell not denyin that, but it has nothin to do with Our Freedoms. Th Iraqis and th Ahghanistanis are not reely a threat to our Freedoms. I don't believe either one of em had any designs on invading us and makin proper Muslims outta us. Nah! It all has to do with a dumb ass President who invaded another country and took us to war under totally false premises. If I remember correctly, it's becuz Saddam Hussein had chemical, bio-logical and nuclear weapons he might decide to use on us at anytime. They are collectively known as Weapons Of Mass Destruction, or, as they are now more commonly called, WMDs. Kinda a catchy name eh? Easy fer th dumb Amerikan public to say and remember. I don't remember what they were called BS? (Before Saddam) But, as we know now, there was jus one little flaw in that thinkin.
"Oooops, hehe, sorry bout that folks. But, well. they coulda had em y'know!, but ya'll are a helluva lot safer now tho, eh! Don'cha feel a lot safer now? Sure ya do, and now that we're there, we can teach em some Democracy. All peoples want Freedom and Democracy, whether they know it or not!"

Remember when th Fuerher poked a little fun at his own self, when he made a little joke durin a White House soiree,

"Darn, where in th heck are those WMDs? I know they're around here someplace!"

Ha ha What a cut-up! Oh, that was humorous, huh? He's reely a character! We went to War and Invaded another country for totally bullshit reasons, and are still there five years later, and he makes jokes about it. Well, it helps to have a sense of humor I guess, tho I would bet th families who lost sons and daughters there might fail to see th humor in it all.

And ya remember that dude Saddam, don'cha? Oh, he was a nasty despot. Of course, he wasn't as bad as that other guy, Osama Bin Laden. Ya remember him too, don'cha? Altho it's been seven years now, he's still in deep doo-doo, cus It was his posse that blew up th World Trade Center, not th Iraqis. Most of those guys were from Saudi Arabia, our erstwhile oil buddies. But now, that O'sama pissed us off, we're chasin him. There is no place in th four corners of th world where he can hide. Every Wal-Mart greeter carries his photo. If he ever shows up fer a blue light special, he's a goner. And if he thinks he can jus avoid us by stayin away from WAL-Mart, it doesn't matter, cus we're gonna track him down and KILL him where ever he holes up, th cursed snake!

Reely, no jive, we are! Jus as soon as we get Iraq and Afghanistan pacified, we're goin after him. We could ask th Russkies fer some advice on Afghanistan, cus as ya know, they were there fer many years themselves, but what th hell, they didn't know how to do it and left in disgrace. Th same way those Frenchies didn't know how to handle Indo-China. (Vietnam) We had to go in there and show em how to bring Democracy to peoples who didn't even know what th word meant. Altho, truth be told, mebbe thas not a very good example of Amerikan know-how, eh.

But, on th other hand, even tho it's a Commie country, if I'm not mistaken, isn't it called th Democratic Peoples Republic Of Democratic Vietnamese Democrats? Or somthin like that? So I guess it wasn't a total loss.

Yeah, yeah, I know. This is not a popular position I'm takin here. I'm well aware that peoples don't like to hear crap like this but.......But ever since one of my contacts, who is on th Most Popular Dude Election Committee, told me that I hadn't even made th Semi-Finals, I said,

"Th heck with it! Who cares anyway? Th dumb fucks wouldn't know a popular dude if he bit em on th ass!"

So, from now on, I'm not gonna censor myself. I'm removin this mask of bein Fair and Balanced in th hopes of winnin a Popularity Contest. What was I thinkin? How shallow of me! From now on I'm not gonna weigh every position I take based on what th Peoples (th dumb fucks) on th Committee might think. If I choose to use a particularly vile curse word, then Gol-Darn it I will!! If I say Amerikan Idol is fer Imbeciles, I'm not gonna worry bout how many points that might cost me. I'm jus gonna be ME, with all my warts and scabs oozing with pus, and th occasional drool hangin off my chin. In other words boyz and gurlz, No More Mr. Nice Guy! So, don't be stoppin by my crib on Halloween, aw'right!!

th cap'm

P.S. I'm jus gettin myself psyched up fer my encounter with th Justice system, fer th second time, over th Heinous charges of Improper Parking. A totally bogus and erroneous charge to begin with, but in this Society, all Crimes, no matter how small and trivial, are dealt with. This maty help to explain why we have more peoples incarcerated than any other country in th entire world, includin th 1.3 Billion Chinese Commies. While yer contemplatin THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, think about that fer a second.

Subject: Th Cap'm Discovers A Brand New, Revolutionay Taste Sensation!!
Thursday, July 3, 2008 2:13 PM

I'm tellin ya guyz and gurlz, I'm on to somthin Big here. This stuff is gonna replace ice cream!!! I jus a couple weeks ago got turned on to this stuff...and it blew me away. This stuff is Aces!

This stuff is called CUSTARD!

For some reason I had always thought of custard as somthin like yogurt. "Th yogurt experience" was jus too close to "slimy" fer my tastes. There was somthin too 'mucous-like', fer lack of a better word, about it. I spose a yogurt afficionado would describe it as "silky smooth". Yeah, but he prolly works in th Marketing Dept. there too.

And, so becuz of this life-long erroneous association, I had never eaten any custard before. Never before in my life! Oh, sure, I'd had plentys of peoples try and lure me in. Previously, I had always jus politely declined offers of custard with a,

"Naw! Thanks, but NO THANKS!! None of that SHIT fer me, thank you very much!!"

Or, on other occasions I had simply taken Nancy's advice and jus said, "No!"

But, one day a few weeks ago, I allowed my son to talk me into tryin th stuff. After my first bite, I lit up like a slot machine jackpot. Bells, and whistles and sirens were goin off, multi-colored lights were flashin. Whew! At first I thought I was havin a flashback. Far out! It was great! But then, I realized these effects were due to th Custard. Ok, not as heavy duty as acid, but still plenty pleasantly enjoyable.

Now I'm a convert; a CUSTARD ZEALOT. I'm on A Crusade Fer Custard. I want to bring th Joyous Sensations of Custard to th poor, huddled masses, who don't know Custard. They feel an emptiness of their lives. There's a hole in their life; and they don't know how to fill it. They know they're searchin. They jus don't know what it is they're searchin for?

Th answer, my friends, is blowin in th wind, and it goes by th name of Custard. Once you accept th Custard, your life will change Forever and nothing will ever be th same again! Thas how good this stuff is.

And th really cool thing is; they can mix other flavors with it. Like, they could mix some bananas and pecans with it, fr'instance. Or some strawberry jam with choc chips, or.....well jus a whole bunch of other ingredients.

As a matter of fact, they'll put anything you want in it. Except fer two things.....frog feces and ground june-bugs. They got a thing bout them, but anything else: yer good to go.

So, looky here, fer all you fans, th old ones and th newbies, I'll be gettin th T-shirts reel soon, so I'd suggest ya get yer orders in ASAP, eh, and avoid th inevitable delays.

Some shirt titles.

Custard Rules!

Custard Forever!

Give me Custard, or Give me Custard!

Home Is Where The Custard Is.

My Custard Is Bigger Than Your Custard

United Behind Custard, We Stand!
Divided Behind Yogurt,
We Fail.

Some Will Go This Way
Others Will Go That Way.
Brother Will Fight Brother,
Families Will Be Torn Apart,
The Nation Will Need To Heal,
Custard Is Good For Healing.
(this shirt only available in XX Large)

Reel Men Eat Custard!
Pussies Eat Yogurt.

My Baby Done Took Everthin I Had,
But She Fergot th Custard.
Dumb bitch!

Some Custard! Some Custard!
My Kingdom For Some Custard.

Th Redeemer Cometh,
In Th Meantime, I'll have Th Custard.

New titles will be forth coming.

Gosh dang it, It seems such a fucking shame I should have discovered this stuff so late in Life. My heart grows heavy when I think of all th Custard-less years, which can never be reclaimed. So, now, in these last days, I'm in a Custard feeding frenzy, which yer average shark could only witness with envy. Talk about 'voracious'! Sheeit.

If I had only paid more attention as a child hearin th old nursery rhyme,

Jack and Jill
Went up th hill
To fetch a pail of custard
Jack fell down
And broke his crown.
So, Jill had to eat
Th whole Pail by herself
Altho Jill felt bad
About Jack
She also realized
That sometimes Good
Can come out of Tragedy
It just depends on
How you look at it.

(a good example of this would be th great catfishin as a result of th recent floodings)

But, I was jus a dumb kid, and I thought it was jus another dumb nursery rhyme. Sheeit, like I said, I didn't know Custard from Yogurt. Or shine-ola even.

th cap'm

P.S. Me, a pail of Custard too.

Subject: Missed Opportunity
Monday, June 30, 2008 2:11 PM

I was listenin to Steve Kraske on KCUR this past Thursday. Th topic was Bicycle Riding In Kansas City. It was jus th usual bullshit ya would expect from mentally deranged peoples.

But when they claimed that almost all bike riders, being aware they were on "vehicles" and therefore subject to th same rules and laws motorists were, obeyed th same traffic laws as motorists have to; that got my attention. They went on to say that while occasionally a cyclist might not come to a complete stop at a stop sign, that they were th exception. They wre th one percenters.

Y'know, th outlaw cyclists. Th ones who give em all a bad name. They also noted that motorists didn't always come to a complete stop too. They maintained that while th vast majority of cyclists observed th traffic laws. they were frequently aurally assaulted by rude motorists.

As I was drivin at th time, combin my hair, rappin with Fat Louie on th cell phone and eatin my Big Mac, I jus about had a wreck when I heard that. I spewed a mouthful of foods all over and lost my cell phone and Big Mac as I pounded both hands on th steerin wheel in Rage and Indignation. What fuckin fantasy world do these peoples live in? Have they become such victims of their own propaganda bullshit, they are unable or unwilling to see th Real World? Th fact of th matter is that, they have their estimates completely backwards. About one out of a hundred obey th traffic laws. Th rest of em couldn't care less about stop signs, red lights, one way streets, ridin on th wrong side of th road, on th sidewalks, across th parks, on and on, ad nauseum. Sheeeit!

I tried to call in and express my views on th subject, but was unable to get in. Mebbe it was th sputterin, outraged tone of my voice when th screener asked what I wanted to say? I told her I jus wanted to see if th guests had ridden their bikes to th station and mebbe to find out their routes home, so they could have a Personal real life story of a rude motorist at their next Bicycle Riders Support Group. Ha ha

They chose not to let me speak.

th cap'm

Subject: A Thief In Th Nite
Saturday, June 28, 2008 3:51 PM

Last nite, lookin over my wardrobe, contemplatin my attire fer th evening. I decided to go with my khaki slacks, a black shirt and my white sports coat. But th problem was; I couldn't find my khaki slacks. They weren't where they were supposed to be. I scratched my head in consternation and confusion. (do ya ever do that kids? like, when yer confused, ya scratch yer head? of course ya do. we all do, but WHY? I dunno)

So, I immediately began a search of th premises. I'm talkin a "full body cavity search" here. And that also includes th freezer and th kitchen cabinets. But they're not here. They're gone!! Naturally, my first suspect, as usual, was Dick Nixon, or one of his minions. Th thing about that Tricky Dick, is that ya never know jus how wide rangin his influences are?

So, last nite, I tried to question some of my associates in as un-accusatory fashion as possible, Like, I said to this one dude, in a casual, ho-hum, jus makin conversation kinda tone,

"Hey yo, dude, my khaki slacks have gone missin. Ya wouldn't have mebbe accidentally snuck into my crib while i was drunkenly racked out, and fled away into th nite with em, huh? Did'ja?"

And this dude said, in a defensive kinda mode, (note: those are th one's ya gotta pay attention to. th ones who get defensive. it looks like they got somthin to hide)

"Cap'm, now why in th fuck would I sneak into yer house and steal a pair of slacks ya bought at th thrift store fer $3.00?" as tho th illogic of th premise was enuff in itself to exclude him asth perp.

I said,

"Hey, whoa dude, no need to get all defensive on me. I was jus askin if ya snuck into my crib and swiped my khaki slacks while I was drunkenly unconscious to th world. Mebbe it was some one else?"

That mollified im a bit, but I didn't remove im from my lists of suspects tho.
I questioned several others with no better luck. Seems like th word is out. (Mum is th word, along with th Bird)

Every one I asked all claimed they knew nothin about it. Fer those who claimed
Ignorance, I said,

"Yeah sure, thas easy fer You!"

One of em even asked me if mebbe I thought Dick Nixon might be involved? Jus an innocent remark? Or somthin more sinister? I wondered if he had been instructed to say that in a taunting way? I put an asterisk by his name.

So, now I'm sans khaki slacks. Th Mystery continues. Oh sure, I could ask St. Anthony, but I don't reely like to bug him with matters so inane and banal as a pair of missin khaki slacks, if ya know what I mean? I save his counsel fer more important matters.

th cap'm

P.S. Recently, I experienced a small moral dilemma, in that I wondered if it would be in-appropriate to ask SA to find my stash, which I had evidently hidden very well, th nite before. Mebbe he draws th line on missin dope? Luckily fer me, I found it on my own. Right there in th freezer, where of course, no copper would ever think of lookin huh? But don't tell th Po-lice bout that secret hidin place; they don't need to know that. Course yer professional thieves and burglars know that trick, so it's not a sure fire safe place. (that was why I checked th freezer fer my slacks, cuz they coulda been there)

Subject: Some Other Viewpoints Vis A Vis Me And Th Loons
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 5:20 PM

"Looking for Socio-Pcycho babble huh. Well you did call them loonies, what more is there to say than you are a looney magnet. A magnetic looney attractor- a looney locator-a loonies looney. TD"

My buddy Janell's take.

"umm . . . some folks say that looney-tunes are hypersensitive to powerful forces in their environment so they sense your incredible wisdom and spirit even more than the average person and want to bask in the sunshine that is you. So thus driven they attempt to engage you perhaps uncharacteristically determinedly, occasionally to your majesty's annoyance. how's that?"

Do ya notice how Janell seems to be a level-headed person; perceptive and unbiased? Unlike some others I could mention, but I won't say anything about Tommy D or th Stagford. Cuz I don't say bad stuff bout other peoples, unless mebbe, y'know, like, they're a FUCKIN BICYCLIST! (altho some of my best friends are such critters, i still like em cuz it's not their fault; they were jus born with th bicycle gene)

My amigo, th Phil wrote me,

"You know Capt the reason I introduced myself years ago was because you looked like a man with a story, most people don't!"

OK, Phil, lemme start at th beginnin. I was born in Brooke General Hospital at 6:10 PM, Nov.16th, 1941 at Ft. Sam Houston Army Hospital, in San Antonio, Texas. And fer th last 798 months, I've jus been hangin out and doin stuff. Thas basically my story.

Ernie sez,

"It's the magnetic personality. The thing I think it is which draws them in is the picture of you and I which was in The Pitch. I'm not there so the loons think, what the hell, he'll do..."

Mardi sez

"Maybe you should try and hang out with people who don't drink so much. Just a thought."

Y'know, I don't have much truck with non-drinkers or dopers, so I don't think thas gonna work.

Pookie sez,

"it's just Nature's way Charley. Likes attract likes."

Julio Coolio sez,

"When those folks are around, I always feel more comfortable sitting across the room from you, rather than next to you. lol You're like the loony buffer zone. Ha ha"

Abe said,

"You're lucky in a way Charley, because I'm one of those guys that no one will talk to. lol"

Stan said,

"Maybe they are attracted to your babble like bees to honey."

I dunno. I'm still confused.

th cap'm

Subject: Paper Plates Galore
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 4:32 PM

I jus came back from Costco, where I purchased 420 paper plates. I thought to myself,

"Sheeit, this calls fer a celebration!"

So, this Friday night, th party is at my crib. Bring yer own food..... but, th plates are on me!

Party hearty!

th cap'm

Subject: Surely There's A Better Way
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 4:25 PM

I had a buddy of mine tell me last nite about this asshole he used to work for.

When ever th guy fired some one, he would call em into his office and would pull out a sock puppet of Kermit th Frog, and then Kermit, would say,

"You're fired!"

And all subsequent conversations then took place between Kermit and th fire-ee.

Doesn't that strike ya as a bit strange?

th cap'm

Subject: Reluctantly, Th Cap'm Gives Advice To Th Lovelorn
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 4:15 PM

Last nite I was sittin at th bar next to a guy I know. We'd been rappin about th prospects of light-rail in Kansas City. He turned and looked at me and said,

"Cap'm, will you answer a serious question for me?"

Alarm bells went off cuz I don't like that kinda question. So, I said,

"I dunno? Depends on th question."

So, he said,

"Do you feel a need to entertain me?"

That caught me by surprise. I snorted, and said,

"Say WHAT?"

cuz I wasn't expectin that one. Ha ha. I mean, that was outta th blue! From no where.

So, he said again,

"Do you feel like you have to entertain me?"

I said,

"Dude, I have never given th slightest thought in th world as to whether I was entertainin you or not. Thas not in my job description. Ok."

He said,

"Thanks for telling me that. The reason I asked, is because my gurlfriend just broke up with me and she told me that she felt like she had to entertain me all the time and it was just too much pressure on her. I just wondered if every one else felt that way? Do I strike you as the kind of guy who needs to be entertained constantly? Whadda ya think?"

Oh sheeit. Ann Landers, I'm not! So, I replied,

"I'll bet ya that twenty years from now, they will still be forming committees and study groups lookin at th feasibility of light rail here!!!"

I was lookin to slide, ya see, but he was not to be deterred.

He said in an exasperatin tone,

"No, no, I mean about my girlfriend. Whadda ya think I oughta do?"

After some careful consideration, I said,

"Oh that? Well, I dunno. Hmmmm, let's see? Mebbe you guys oughta set up "entertainment times". See, like, durin th "entertainment period', she could do stuff to entertain ya, y'know, like some soft-shoe routines mebbe, or some renditions of some Broadway show tunes, impressions, y'know, a few jokes, stuff like that. Then when th "entertainment time" was over, she could then go putter in th garden, or do some yoga techniques, or what ever struck her fancy, See, like, she could have her own private space then, havin already entertained ya, and that would take th pressure off her."

And he said, no shit, I'm not jivin ya,

"Ya really think that would work?"

And doin my best to stifle th guffaw buildin in me I said,

"Well, as th ancient Chinese Philosopher said, 'We shall see'. Good luck, and let me know how it turns out."

Sometimes th role of th Guru is more difficult than others. Some peoples think,

"Gee, I wish I could be a Guru too!"

Thas cus they don't even begin to understand all th problems it can entail. Yer better off bein a streetsweeper, take my word fer it.

th cap'm

Subject: Lose Yer Money Often?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 4:24 PM

This has been a life-long problem with me. Th booze and weed sometimes dulls th senses. After a nite of carousin, I often find when I get back to th crib, or else th next day, I don't have as much money as I should.

And it's not that I spent it either. It's monies gone missin. Sometimes I see it on th floor, but many other times I don't. I jus discover it's gone. Does this ever happen to you boyz n gurlz?

So, here's my plan to cut my losses; here's what I'm thinkin. This solution came to me like a flash outta th blue. From now on, I'M GONNA START CARRYIN MY MONEY IN MY WALLET, instead of my shirt pocket.

If yer havin these same kinda problems, why don't you try this too? Then we'll set up a meet with others who are tryin to quit too, and we'll all compare notes and stuff. Mebbe form committees and study groups. Explore different methods of takin out and puttin th money back properly, all th while, searchin th floors around us fer rogue bills that may have escaped our scrutiny. Ascertain th effectiveness of different procedures? It'll be a gosh darn lotta fun hippin others to his radical approach, and mebbe we'll save some money too!

Lemme know.

th cap'm

Subject: Why Do Th Loonies Seek Me Out?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 2:14 PM

That was th question. I sent ya th Stagford's opinion. Now my buddy Tommy D. suggested this,

"I think that that the resolution to this dilemma is,

''You look like someone no sane person would normally talk with.''

so they feel safe that you are probably in need of conversation and they are taking pity upon thou. Puzzle solved. TD"

Hrummp! While, of course I always welcome feedback, and I DID ask th question, these kinda responses are not exactly th kinda answers I was lookin fer. I was lookin fer somthin more profound. Y'know, like, some kinda socio/psychological insight into th thought processes which cause peoples to blather away at total strangers, about whatever is flitting thru their warped minds at th moment. And further; which didn't question my own sanity or mode of dress. Y'know, somthin like that. Somthin that puts th onus on th loons instead of moi.

So, like, WHAT? Should I perhaps get a crew cut, some owlish kinda glasses, mebbe some dockers and a polo shirt, with some spiffy penny loafers? Huh? Would th Loony-Tunes pass me by then?

Naw! Fuck That Shit. In th words of Frankie S.

"I do it MY own fuckin WAY!" and th loons be damned, Full speed ahead.
SIGH! Th slings and arrows th visionaries must endure, eh?!

th un-repentent and un-bowed cap'm

Subject: Mayoral Election Redux
Monday, June 23, 2008 2:42 AM

If they had a mayoral election tomorrow and th choices were again between former mayoral candidate, Alvin Brooks, and th present co-mayors, Mark Funkhouser and Gloria Squitiro, his scummy wife, do ya think these two buffoons could now garner even a hundred votes?

What a colossal joke this mayor and his wife have become! Even a number of th City Council are now askin her to take a hike, but th mayor is diggin his heels in again! Th dude is a pig-headed, stubborn fool, who continually delusionally mistakes his Stubborness for Principles. He sez his wife is an invaluable asset and we oughta be glad she's there, contributing her time and effort for free and he couldn't run th city without her. Sheeeit! If thas true, one shudders to think what woulda happened if Gloria and her cherished counsel hadn't been there? Whoooie, th mind reels with th implications, eh?

If he can't run this city without her bein his unpaid, volunteer, without-a-clue, chief-of-staff, then th two of em oughta march off into th sunset, arm in arm, and head straight fer Disneyland where they can frolic with Mickey Mouse and other cartoon characters! They oughta fit in very nicely there.

th cap'm

P.S. I hope I'm not bein premature in sayin, "Thank Zeus, we won't have to deal with Hillary and Bill as co-Vice Presidents."


2008 Discovery Publications, Inc. 1501 Burlington, Ste. 207, North Kansas City, MO 64116
(816) 474-1516; toll free (800) 899-9730; fax (816) 474-1427

The contents of eKC are the property of Discovery Publications, Inc., and protected under Copyright.
No portion may be reproduced in whole or part by any means without the permission of the publisher. Read our Privacy Policy.