joe dreck
April 26, 2008

Joe Dreck, the Captain, firmly believes
Nixon is behind Hillary's win in Pennsylvania.

Subject: Th Conspiracy Rolls On And Over Us!!
Friday, April 25, 2008 4:54 PM

Today, I came as close to runnin outta gas as ya possibly can, without actually doin so. In th past, fer many years I ran outta gas more times than ya would believe. One day, fr'instance, I ran outta gas three fookin times! In one day! No shit, I'm not jivin ya!!

But a few years ago, gettin fed up with that "outta gas scenario", and all th hassles it entails, I decided that, "From this day forward, I will run outta gas no more. forever!" (thanks Chief Joseph)

See, a lotta times this was caused by my gas gauge not workin. This is also true of my current ride, but becuz it's all computerized now, I don't wanna spend th five yards it will cost to fix it. What I do is: I fill th tank, and knowin I get 14 mpg, and knowin I got a twenty gallon tank, I know when th mileage reaches 270 miles, I'm almost outta gas, comprende cabron? (you understand sir?)

OK, so, like, today, I'm truckin on down th hi-way and I glance at th mileage and I'm at 288! Alarms and klaxons went off. WHOOT! WHOOT! WHOOT!

"Sheeit", I thought, "I shoulda already run outta gas at 280 miles. Damn, I'm runnin on empty! Curses!"

I knew I was in trouble cus I had left my fuckin phone at home and was soon gonna be stranded on th Interstate and I knew I was several miles from salvation, so I slowed down to get as far as I could, and after several tense minutes, as I finally made it to th turn-off, with a big sigh of relief, I pulled up to a pump, pretty pleased with havin avoided a reel bad day! (whew, pretty long sentence, eh)

Jus to show ya how close I was to bein empty, I proceeded to put 20.6 gallons in my 20 gallon tank! $68.00 fuckin dollars! This got me to scratchin my head in bewilderment, cus I ran outta gas in this same car about three years ago and it took 19.8 gallons then to fill it up.'d I squeeze 20.6 gallons in there this time?

I went back inside to get what was left of my hundred dollar bill and asked em how I could put in more than a half gallon of th tank's capacity? I got a ho-hum-who-knows-why-bother-me-with-this- kinda-shit-response, Ya know what I mean!? I pushed em further and they said th pump had been inspected recently. I asked em sarcastically how much they paid th dude off? No response! So I told em I was gonna file a complaint with th State Attorney General and was greeted with a smug, unconcerned grin and a, "Go ahead."

Well sure! See, they know, they ain't worried, fix is in! They're all in on it. Th State Inspector, Th State Atty. Gen, Th US Atty. General, Cheney/Bush/Nixon! All th fuckers are in on it. They all got a piece of th Gravy Train. They are all fleecin/gougin us, me and you, th Amerikan public, all of us are gettin shafted every single day by Big Oil and their underlings. They run this scam. And we're all their marks! Those fuckers are already obscenely wealthy; they couldn't spend all their money in three lifetimes of wild's not enuff!!! What conspiracy, ya ask?

It's very annoyin!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, did'ja see on th news last week where th head of th biggest hedge fund made, get this, THREE BILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS last year! IN ONE FUCKIN YEAR!! I'm tellin ya, there's somthin seriously wrong with a System where one individual can make that much money in one year, and there are peoples sleepin under bridges, where 40 million Amerikans, including my self, don't have health care, where th infra-structure of this country is fallin apart, bridges collapsin, education system underfunded, millions of peoples losin their homes, and this fucker made 3.7 billion dollars!!! And pleeeeze, don't tell me he earned it. And pleeese don't tell me he deserved it!!!!!!

Subject: Staying Au Courant In A Changing Amerika
Thursday, April 24, 2008 9:33 PM

Yo friends, Amerikans, countrymen, listen up! In th future I plan on droppin certain non-english expressions on ya, mostly Español, in my effort to prepare ya fer th changin Amerikan landscape.

Like today, fr'instance. I'm introducin ya to th phrase.

"Chinga tu madre!"

Translation: "Say hello to your mother!"

If ya should find yerself travelin in th Southern Hemisphere, this is always a good ice breaker when first meetin th locals, cuz th Hispanic peoples there are always pleased that you would inquire about their familes. It's a cultural thing. You will be warmly embraced and welcomed and prolly invited into their casa, fer a nice warm cup of coffee.

My next phrase for today is somthin you might say, upon meeting a gurl fer th first time,

"Buenos Chalupas!"

Which means, roughly translated,

"You are very comely!"

This will endear you instantly, becuz Latina gurls like to be complimented. Upon takin your leave, ya might say,

"Bessa mi caca, puta!"

Translation: "It was my pleasure, Miss." next time you are nonchalantly crusin thru th barrio, ya might lean out yer window and practice these on some young females ya see, especially if they're with their brother or boyfriend, as they also like for their ladies to be recognized as such. They get vicarious pleasure in knowin that ya appreciate Latina Beauty when ya see it.

So...until then...Huevos Noches!

El Capitano del Hoohah

Subject: Th Cap'm Executes Another Culinary Coup. Is there No End To His Genius
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 4:58 AM

Ok, so last nite, or rather, a short time ago, if ya wanna get technical, I had worked up a healthy appetite after an evening of vigorous and continuous elbow bending. Against my better instincts, I decided to fix myself some early mornin grub. I didn't take this decision lightly, cuz as ya may recall, many of these kinda adventures have had some rather unpleasant consequences, i.e. explosions, fires, spillages, sliced appendages and so on. But I'm happy to report, none of these things occurred. However these incidents do happen.

Take FIRE, fr'example, while it can be a Good thing in th hands of responsible and safety minded individuals; on th other hand, it can be dangerous and deadly even, in th hands of nitwits, loons, th Irresponsible, and th Immature. If ya don't believe me, give th kiddies a box of matches to play with while ya go to pick up yer pizza. Haha Ya'll be in fer a Surprise when ya get home.

But, everything went smoothly this time. I was able to pull off this entire enterprise without so much of a glitch of any kind, and I gotta admit, I'm pretty gol-darned fuckin pleased with myself at th moment. There'll be no unpleasant consequences to deal with when I awake, like, walls to be repaired, floors to be mopped, appliances to be replaced, stitches to bind up my wounds, or any of th other problems I so often encounter after one of these efforts.

Aw'right, so enuff self-congratulations; let's get down to it, shall we! What I did was; I first fried up some ground beef and seasoned it with equal parts of, 1/3 salt, 1/3 pepper, 1/3 garlic salt, and 1/3 chilli powder. (please don't get all mathematical nit-picky on me here)

Then I filled a plate with some lightly salted tortilla strips, and sprinkled my ground beef over that. Then sprinkled some chopped onions over that. Then I placed several round slices of a MonterreyJack/Colby combo over it all and put a thin layer of Pace's Hot Picante sauce on that. A few more tortilla strips and then some sharp cheddar cheese and some more onions. Next, I placed it in my Radar Range and zapped it fer approx 45-50 secs.

And fer th final stage, I put a large dollop of sour cream right in th center, another dollop of guacamole on top of that, and lastly, a glop of Mango salsa, and then spread it all around over th melted cheeses.

"Oh, th Delight of th melded flavors!!"

I exclaimed out loud at one point in near rapture.

Th crunchiness of th tortilla strips and onions, contrastin with th gooey mushiness of th melted cheeses, capped with th combined flavors of th sauces, caused me to become The Glutton! I consumed it like a starving pig. I noticed I was even makin porcine gruntin noises as I chomped my way thru it. I scarfed it up, in th truest sense of th word. This afternoon, when th sun comes creepin thru my windows, wakin me up, hopefully I will remember that there is still some left in th ice box.

OK now, boyz and gurlz, th next time ya have some of yer classmates over after school, get em reel stoned first on some prime herb, cuz that'll perk up their taste buds, then lay some of th Cap'ms Delight on em. They will long, and fondly remember that day. Durin yer 40 year re-unions, they will be bringin it up still, cuz ya will have etched a place in their minds that th decades won't erase.

th cap'm

Subject: Th More Th Oaffish; Th Harder Th Fall
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 3:41 PM

A friend told me a bit earlier that he was vistin an elderly lady and he was sittin in a hard back wooden chair facin her. My friend said he got up momentarily to point somthin out to her in th newspaper, and when he went to sit back down, he missed th chair and toppled over backwards, bonkin his head on a table and scrunchin his back! Ha ha.

How, pray tell could one be such a bumblin fool? He was a bit dazed there fer a second, while he tried to figure out jus what had happened, cuz, like, one moment he was standin there; th next he was on th floor with a bump on th back of his head. Th elderly lady, stiflin a giggle, tryin not to laugh, but not succeeding, asked if he was OK? He finally stood up and looked at th chair fer a moment, tryin to figure out how he'd missed it, or, if it had somehow moved on him of it's own accord. He mumbled somthin or other bout, "tha fkin nixon"

My friend said he wanted to pull a Hillary on th chair, but in deference to th lady, he desisted cuz he thought that kinda conduct might make her uncomfortable.

Course, nothin like that has ever happened to me! I mean, like, that was a friend of mine. Oh, sure, I've tumbled off many a barstool, sofa, bed, porch, patio, steps, ladders, roofs, etc, etc, BUT I had an excuse! I was drunk/stoned!

He, on th other hand, had had nary a drink nor a toke to blame it on. Whut a klutz, eh!?

Now, by yer leave, I am in need of some aspirin cuz I gotta bad headache and backache from outta nowhere?


P.S. How bout you boyz n gurlz? Ya've prolly done somthin similar to that before too, haven't ya? I mean, I'm sure my friend isn't th only one thas ever happened to before, is he?! Like, I'm sure that happens to regular peoples alla time, huh?! I know it does.

Subject: Th Cap'm Issues His Final Warning. I mean it too!
Saturday, April 19, 2008 1:28 PM

This is jus th latest in a series of bizarre critter sightings I havewitnessed in th last month, i.e. th Big Black Chicken, th Sitting Duck,and yet, I'm being completely ignored in my efforts to warn peoples of the implications and potential dangers they pose. Th increasin frequency of these sightings is alarming.

Like, last nite, at th tavern, I was takin care of bizness there in th water closet, and altho my attention at th time was bein focused on shreddin a cigarette butt lyin there in th bowl, I couldn't help but notice a sharp, rank, pungent odor.... y'know.... but what th hell, it is a shitter after all, right!? But, after successfully turnin that butt into small shreds, as I was zipperin up, I glanced down and saw it!! I froze momentarily in horror; there it was, in attack mode, crouchin under th urinal, red beady eyes glowin, razor sharp, twisted fangs droolin, that musky foul odor, th fur all matted up and tangled and it let out a low guttural snarl.... a fuckin TROLL! Sheeit!

"MUTHERFUCKER!" I screamed out in alarm and jumped backwards, and when I did, I startled it so, that it raised it's ugly head suddenly and with a bone crunchin sound, THWONK!! damn near knocked itself out on th underside of th urinal.

Whew, I used th pause to egress th hell outta there. I scurried back to my stool, hands tremblin and ordered another beer.

"Make that a double!"

I said in a shaky voice. Th bartender shook his head and said with a half-assed grin,

"Ya want a double shot of beer, cap'm!? Whadd'ya mean?!"

"Never mind th double," I gasped, "jus start pourin and don't stop til it's full!"

So, he sez,

"In other words, ya want another beer, right!"

"Thas right Ace! Now yer clickin on all two cylinders!!"

So he poured me a beer and when he sat it down, I glugged down a larger than usual sip.

"You OK? Whas'sa matter?" he asked?

"Fuck No, I'm not OK! Ya got a fuckin Troll hangin out under th urinal. Thas what th matter is!!"

"Oh." He sez in a real nonchalant manner,

"Ok, cool, I thought mebbe you'd seen a ghost, or somthin."

I said incredulously,

"Or somthin? Fuckin-A I saw somthin! Th somthin was a fuckin Troll!! What?! If I'd seen a ghost, that woulda been a matter of concern, but, like, a TROLL is jus Ho-Hum?"

I looked around and other peoples there at th bar who had heard this exchange, were mumblin and whisperin and gigglin to each other. I could see I wasn't makin any headway, I might as well gone outside and pissed into th wind.

"Aw'right," I said in exasperation, "Fine! But jus don't come and ask me what I think happened th next time somebody goes in th john, only to never be seen again. OK!! cuz. like, I don't know nothin!!! Ya'dig!!"

Some peoples jus won't listen, knowhutahmsayin! So, as I slouched there dejectedly fumin, a few minutes later a buddy of mine said with a big shit-eatin grin on his face,

"Cap'm, hey dude, I'm gonna go take a leak now and, look here, if I don't see ya again, ya can have th rest of my drink. How'zat?!"

which got im some guffaws and giggles. So, I sat there, tensely ignorin th ridicule and abuse, lockin eyes with th bartender, waitin fer vindication, waitin fer th screams, th rending of hair, th gnashin of teeth, th sound of rippin seconds dragged by like an eternity. Eons later tho, he emerged from th john, unscathed, to cheers and congratulations.

"Whew!" he said, "that was close!"

Did'ja see im?" I queried anxiously?

"Nah, but I did see Troll droppings on th floor tho!" he said with a guffaw, and th others all joined in.

Oh, what fools these mortals be, eh! OK, I see how it is! Fine! Havin already warned these peoples about th Big Black Chicken and th Sitting Duck a few weeks ago, and now th Troll, and then, to be rewarded with nothin but Indifference, Scorn and Derision, I realize I'm strugglin with a credibility problem, or more likely, I'm jus faced with Mass Stupidity and Ignorance.

I'm pissed! So, Fuck It! I'm tired of playin th role of Th Lone Martyr! I'm not even gonna tell em bout bein kidnapped by aliens after I got home last nite, and th Warning I'm supposed to deliver to th Peoples of th Earth. Mankind will be sorry they dissed me. Jus remember, that voice ya hear, in th moments before th Apocalypse comes crashin down on yer collective heads,


that would be Moi!

th cap'm

P.S. And speakin of Trolls, mebbe ya remember my theories concernin th bridge and mine collapses. Open yer minds Peoples!!

Subject: Turtles & Snails; Th Cap'ms Lighter Side
Friday, April 18, 2008 4:32 AM

Turtles don't do well in th hundred yard dash!


that bein said,

whut did Johnny th Snail say when he went for a ride on th turtles back????


CQ (chortle quietly)

th cap'm

P.S. I told that joke in th bar one time years ago and, surprisingly, in spite of th fact it's not a knee-slapper, it was a huge hit. When I find th recollection, I will pass it on again.

Subject: It All Depends I Guess!
Friday, April 18, 2008 4:11 AM

Yesterday, since Mr. Sol decided to pay us a visit havin been outta town fer th last few months, I thought I would celebrate by gettin my ride washed. It's been a while. So, naturally.... it rained less than 5 hours later!

That fuckin Nixon! And it was still comin down today. I happened to be crusin thru th driving rain by Loose Park this afternoon, and I couldn't help but notice this jogger. Th Lone Jogger! He had th entire park all to himself, and in spite of th diminished visibility, I had no problem seein im, cuz rather than joggin on th running path, which is about five feet from th curb, he chose to run in th fookin street anyway! See, that way ya couldn't miss im! I mean, y'know, what's th point of runnin, if no one sees ya doin it?

While th rest of his ilk were cowerin under shelter, he was splashin along in his ohhh so trendy, color co-ordinated joggin outfit, and tho he was of course soakin wet, he valiantly ran on, hair plastered to his head, oblivious to th elements. I'm sure he was thinkin he must be presentin himself as a highly dedicated athlete, y'know, not th kinda guy to let a silly little thing like a thunderstorm keep himself from his goal; bein Fit in th Third Millennium. It's very cool and very hip to be fit. I'm sure he thought th impression of himself was that of a really cool dude. I'm sure he was imaginin peoples seein im and thinkin,

"Gosh, look at that guy runnin in th rain. Gee, he's rilly somthin!!"

I could tell this by th smug, superior expression on his face.

My impression of him tho was different. I jus thought he was a dumb mutherfucker who was jus too fuckin stupid to come in outta th rain!

th cap'm

P.S. Different impressions of th same event from different perspectives, eh!?

Subject: Encouraging News From Iraq.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008 1:40 PM

On my home page today, there is this headline,

"Dozens killed in deadly restaurant bombings."

Th nay-sayers with their constant tales of gloom and pessimism should maybe shut th fuck up, and th can-doer's like th John McCain/Bush/Cheney/Patreus crowd oughta be givin credit where credit is due, cuz before th surge, that headline woulda read,

"Scores killed in deadly restaurant bombings."

Now, if thas not a good indication of Progress, what th hell ya want? Jeeeze!

th cap'm

Subject: Solution To Risin Gas Prices? I Don't Think So!
Monday, April 14, 2008 4:29 PM

OK, ya'll. I received this e-mail from three different amigos in th past week suggestin we boycott Exon/Mobile as a way of forcing a reduction in oil prices. I have received this or a variation of it at least, two dozen times, since gas first broke a $1.50 @ gallon. Remember that, back in th mists of time? Each time tho, th message is updated to reflect th current price of gas, so as to make th idea itself seem to be a new and current solution.

I'm sure if ya've been on-line fer more than 6 months ya know what I'm talkin bout. Th idea is that; if we boycott one company, they will be forced to lower their prices becuz of lost revenues, ergo, all other companies will have to follow suit too, thus bringing th price back down to a $1.50 @ gallon once again. Happy Days are here again!! Yeah right! Ha ha. Ya might as well go lookin fer Unicorns boyz n gurlz cuz, that is a Fantasy World and those days of cheap gas are gone, FOREVER!!! As in, NEVER comin back!

I wonder if th peoples who sent this to me originally years ago, are still boycotting what ever company it was they suggested we boycott? And if they aren't a bit disappointed, cuz obviously this plan hasn't had any effect, eh, considerin gas is well over three dollars a gallon now! Not withstanding it's impracticallity, this whole scheme tho, completely ignores th Global Market, as tho we're th only consumers of this product. There are other oil hungry peoples out there, ya know! Th days are long past when th US can unilaterally affect a market like this.

Besides th steadily increasin oil demands of th rest of th world, th Chinese, for one, will be glad to pay what ever th oil producers demand, to fuel their growin economy of about 9%! (th highest in th world)

This is jus another one of those Pie-In-Th Sky Fantasies to make peoples think they actually have some Control, when in fact, we are utterly powerless and at th Mercy of Big Business (th oil, pharmaceutical, defense industries, etc) to gouge us to their insatiable, greedy hearts content, and we can't do a damn thing about it!! NADA FUCKIN THING!!! So...fer get this bullshit!

th cap'm

P.S. Hell, if ya got nuthin better to do, ya might as well go and vote, fer all th difference That's gonna make! But if it makes ya feel any better, go ahead and boycott Exon if ya want to. I'm sure th folks at Conocco won't mind a bit. Like I said, NADA FUCKIN THING!!

Jus in case, ya've been off planet and haven't received this e-mail yet, I present it to ya fer yer perusal, Consider th merits, and act accordingly. Jus don't pull a Hillary, and start hurlin things at th wall in despair.


(here ya go. check it out. ch)

Prices, Join the bandwagon


This was sent by a retired Coca Cola executive. It came from one of his engineer buddies who retired from Halliburton. (this bit is to convince ya that these are serious and authentic peoples and aren't jus a bunch of kooks ch)

If you are tired of the gas prices going up AND they will continue to rise this summer, take time to read this, please. Phillip Hollsworth (you know phil hollsworth, don't ya? ch) offered this good idea. This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May! It's worth your consideration. Join the resistance!!!!

I hear we are going to hit close to $4.00 PER gallon by next summer and it might go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action. (scuuuuse me, but where in th hell's th intelligence here? ch)

The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. (crafty bastards, eh. ch)

It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, this is a plan that can really work. Please read on and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $2.00 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $3.19 for regular unleaded in my town.

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50 - $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace..not sellers. OPEC announced this week that it would not increase production, thereby insuring that oil continues to sell for $104 per barrel and higher. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. (look out mutherfuckers cuz here we come! ch)

The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is (like I said NEVER, not even in Never-Never land. ch) if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves.

How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. (buy you a wood burning fueled car ch)

But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies EXXON and MOBIL.

If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But, when they lower prices, you must resist rushing to their pumps in order to buy their gas. You have to avoid buying their gas completely, knowing that other service stations will follow suit in a matter of days. So hang on! Eventually prices WILL fall.

To have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do! (it's kinda like fallin off a log. jus say NO! ch) Now, don't bug out on me at this point...keep reading (ok, ok, i'm still here ch) and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to 30 people. If each of us send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) .. ( i luv this mathematical part, ch) and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth group of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers.

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! (WOW i think i had that exact same problem in th 4th grade ch)

If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! And that's more than every gas buyer in the USA. (yeah fer sure, it's even more than th number of computers we have ch) Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all! (it's as simple as fallin off....never mind. ch)

Well, and, of course, stop buying gas from just one company. How long would all that take? (ok, get yer calculators out again boyz n gurlz, more arithmetic comin yer way. ch)

If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! (amazingly, this number includes all th childrens under two years old too. ch)

I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did you! (nope, i sure didn't. frankly, i'm surprised! ch)

Acting together we can make a difference. (i think i've heard that before! plagiarism? ch) There is nothing wrong with corporations making a reasonable profit. But $40.6 billion in just 13 weeks is a little over the top, don't you think? (i think thas a little over th top! ch) With millions of Americans losing their homes and with taxes going through the roof, we need some relief somewhere and there is no sign in sight that any politician (damn th do-nothin politicos. ch) will help us. So, this is up to us. Either hang together on this one or hang separately--one at a time. (hmm, once again, sounds familiar. ch)

If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $2.00 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

Please Keep This Moving, and, Thank you! (no, thank you, rilly, no, i mean it, thank you. and god bless you, and god bless amerika! ch)


Yep, it's jus that simple boyz n gurlz. Show th big meanies at th big oil company jus whose rilly th big boss! Sheeit

Subject: Some Thoughts From A Friend
Sunday, April 13, 2008 5:03 PM

I always enjoy hearin from my bud, Ernie, even tho we only agree on things about 95% of th time. This in reference to my last bit on, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED".


I am reminded of the story of a man being astonished to see a politician both of with his hands in his own pockets. Or the politician who had found Jesus, most folks didn't even know he was under indictment....

And speaking of patriots and such (although I agree with Ambrose Bierce that patriotism is the first refuge of scoundrels), Rev. Jerimiah Wright dropped out of college, joined the Marines (later transfering to the Navy to be a medic) and received several commendations for his work. He was on the team, which administered to LBJ when he had his heart attack. And while I may disagree with his sermons, he damned well earned the right to speak his mind. That's in sharp contrast to the chicken-hawks running the country now!

But MISSION ACCOMPLISHED is as true as true gets, 'cept the mission was to piss down our backs and convince us it was raining. (that's a collective "we" rather than you and me).


This is one of those times i agree with im.

th cap'm

Subject: Wanna Hear A Good Two Word Joke RE: Iraq?
Sunday, April 13, 2008 12:48 PM


(guffaw here, or NOT)

Remember that one? OK, sorry, I guess it's not all that funny, eh!? But, like a lotta jokes that get passed around, they eventually go stale, and then fade quietly away. At least, The Leader and his co-harts wish it would. But, unfortunately fer them, it's not goin away and it's gonna be around fer a long time.

But hey, don't blame me cuz I didn't tell it originally, aw'right. If ya remember, that one came right out of The Leader's mouth, oh so long ago, when th clown landed on an aircraft carrier, struttin and swaggerin about, flight helmet held under his arm in a cocky, jaunty manner, wearin his aviator's costume, th crowds cheerin, with th band playin martial music in th background, cameras flashin, th banner wavin in th breeze, y'know, th whole celebratory gig, complete with all th bells and whistles. Oh, it was somthin, wasn't it?! Better than any circus you'll be seein! It seems like another time, doesn't it?

Sheeit, if they hadn't staged th whole disgusting farce themselves, they would be denyin today it ever even happened, claimin th incident was nothin other than a myth, created by th left-wing, flamin liberal pussies, with th political intent to make The Leader appear to be a stupid fuckin jackass!

Obama ought to run a picture of that in his commercials, with John McCain's face, overshadowin it, a stark reminder of th false promises made to th amerikan public, and propagated by The Leader's lackeys like John McCain.

But hey, they wouldn't bullshit ya,


I mean, rilly, it is!! And ya can be sure they'll be re-assurin yer children's children too of that! But, if ya disagree with em, as VP Cheney (th real string puller) said recently when reminded that th amerikan public doesn't support th Admin's Iraq policies.

"So! Who cares!"

Ha ha, and you thought they gave a shit, didn't ya? Once again, amerikan public, th jokes on you!

th cap'm

Subject: Fighting th terrorists In Irag so we don't have to fight em on main st
Saturday, April 12, 2008 3:50 PM

I think it's just pure bullshit about us fighting terrorists in iraq so we don't have to fight em here. that's just the latest crock of BULLSHIT that's being sold to the amerikan peoples to try and now justify an ongoin 5 year war for completely different reasons than the ones we were initially scammed on.

W hen the amerikan peoples discovered that we had invaded a country for completely bogus and false reasons, the government had to come up with some excuse to try and explain why we're still there five years later, so now, we get this, "fight em there, instead of here" crap!

They just keep saying there's progress being made. sheeit. what exactly is it that they call progress? it's still a mess there after five fucking years! and 500 HUNDRED BILLION dollars. we are now up to our necks in debt to the chinese to pay for this quagmire. the chinese, fr'chrissake!!! you remember them, our former bitter cold war enemies, the damned chinese communist!! yep, those guys. we owe em, Big Time! If they ever decided to dump their amerikan treasury bonds, this country would literally collapse. it would be catastrophic! peoples who could still remember, would long for the good old days of The Great Depression.

So, how in th fuck does mccain expect to keep on digging us deeper and deeper into this already staggering debt? i heard it was now 9 TRILLION dollars! a literally unfathomable number.

and, speaking of the War on Terror, when was th last time you heard geo bush, or any other fucking asshole in government talking about osama bin laden?

Remember that guy? what ever happened to him? what kind of progress have we made there? we were going to track him down to the four corners of the earth if necessary, and KILL him! he could run: but there was to be no place he could hide!! Ha ha sounds pretty fucking ridiculous now doesn't it? all that bad ass rhetoric we spewed. we were gonna KILL THE SUNUVABITCH! and we will! no kidding, just as soon as we find him. he's going to be sorrrr-eeee!

Hey wait, Ijust thought of something; if I remember correctly, didn't we invade afghanistan, who were harboring him at one time, to capture him? Well hell, maybe we should now invade pakistan for the same reason? And if we don't find him there, ooops, well, we can always say that we're trying to bring a democracy to them, and besides, it would be better to fight the jihadist there, instead of here! right?!

But hey, why stop there boys n gurls? What about those cursed iranians, and the syrians too, and those venzuealeans have been pretty mouthy too, and while we're at it, we're waaay ovrerdue to give those cubans some democracy. and maybe it's payback time for those damned frenchies for not supporting us like they're supposed to. How come no froggies are getting their asses shot off in iraq, so they don't have to fight the terrorists in th riviera? And the north koreans have been thumbing their noses at us for far too long. I think it's time for those barbarians to get a good lesson in why we are THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!
O h woe, it's all too depressing to think about!! Time to hit the ol bong!

th cap'm

p.s. have a nice day.

Subject: RE: "The Brown Leaves Fall From The Trees In The Breeze."
Saturday, April 12, 2008 1:10 PM

OK ya'll a friend of mine, fer our purposes here, we'll refer to him as Phil; mebbe thas his name, mebbe it isn't. I know; you don't. There is a certain compartmentalization involved here y'know, a need to know basis, as it's called in th Biz. I'm sure ya'll understand th sensitivity required in hush-hush ops like this, eh?!

"Phil" (?) replied,

"Yes, But The New Ones Turn Green In Th Spring."

Yep, thas Phil. (?)

th cap'm (mebbe; mebbe not)

Subject: Th Cap'ms Patience Wears Thin
Saturday, April 12, 2008 1:05 PM

Ok, when I jus went to run some errands, I found myself surrounded by swirlin snow flakes. They were everywhere! Whut in th jim-bob is goin on here? This is fuckin April, is it not? This winter started on December 1st, today is April 12th.

Usin my electronic calculator, I have ciphered that this is almost 4 1/2 months.
We have four seasons, right?! So, I have further determined each season should be 3 months long. (these gadgets are pretty cool, eh) This means winter has gone over schezhule 1 1/2 months. So where is that extra month and a half gonna come from?

I'm PO'd! Enuff is enuff. How bout a bit of that global warmin, huh? I got jus two words fer ya Gaia, "EAT SHIT!"

th sick of th winter time, cap'm

P.S. It has inspired me to write a short poem tho.

Winter, winter,
Go away,
Come again,
Some other,
How bout,
Fuckin NEVER!

(sometimes I think th poetry genre eludes me)

Subject: Absinthe Update
Friday, April 11, 2008 12:39 AM

Jus yesterday, I received my latest Absinthe News Letter. They are promotin a new line called Absinthe Beetle. This new product contains 35 millimeters of thujone, which is th psychoactive ingredient of wormwood, th main herb of absinthe. Now, I like my absinthe very much, thank you. It's a reely nice, mellow clearheaded 'high', which I find, ooooh quite delightful.

But I don't like this beetle thing. And this is a big fookin beetle too. I mean it looks like one of those Goliath Beetles, ya know th kind. Whas up with that?

Personally, I don't like to drink any kind of liquid which has any kind of bugs in it, or any other critters that used to walk, crawl, slither or slime their way around. I don't like drinks with worms in em, like mescal, fr'instance, and some kinds of tequila. I took a small sip outta a bottle of some kinda reely nasty, foul tastin Korean liqueur one time, in a moment of temporary insanity, that had a snake coiled in it. That was a big mistake. Don't ever do that at home, boyz n' gurlz, cuz if ya do, you'll be sorrrr-eee! Damn, I coulda done without rememberin that! Some memories are better left in th basement, knowhutahmsayin.

Ok, so call me old fashioned if ya must. Label me a Square, if ya will. But I still don't want any beetle laden absinthe fer moi!

I'll leave that fer th bold and audacious amongst ya! (and th temporarily insane)

And now, I'm off fer "Phase Two" of Thursday Night Adventures!!

th cap'm

Subject: Trying To Make Sense Out Of The Current Truffle Shortage
Thursday, April 10, 2008 1:33 PM

As ya may know, I sometimes get paranoid. So, as to make sure I'm talking to whom I'm supposed to be talkin to, I use various codes to make sure the person I'm talking to is reely th person they say they are.

Fr'instance, when some one who I apparently know comes up to me and sez,

"Hey Chas, what up!"

I say,

"The Birds Fly South In The Winter!"

enunciating each word very carefully. If they are truly who they appear to be and not some cleaver body double, they will reply,

"Yes, But They Return In The Spring."

If I think they mighta been compromised tho, I might say,

"In Houston, It Get's Very Hot In The Summer!"

proper response,

"Yes, And Very Humid Too!"

And one final verification,

"The Truffles In Spain Are Dying In The PLain."


"Yes, But The Pigs Are Still Employed."

Then I can let my guard down and reply,

"Hi Bob." or y'know, whoever?

I'm assuming of course ya keep these codes to yerselves, cuz if others knew of them, they could take advantage, and gain my confidence and acquire knowledge of my inner workings, knowhutahmsayin. This will not do!

OK, so jus earlier today, one of my confederates said they didn't have any problems with th first two passwords, but th last one about th truffles left em a bit confused. They didn't fully understand th connections between th piggies, truffles and th truffle shortage.

Lemme try and shed some light here.

Y'see, these truffles referred to are those rare expensive mushroom truffles that grow jus below th ground. They are very hard to find, but they use special truffle sniffin piggies to find em and when they locate one, before th piggie can eat it, they snatch it up and give him some corn as a reward and put th truffle in a bag so they can send it to market. This helps explain why piggies don't go to market any more like they used to in the olden days. Of course th Big Bad Wolf factors in there too. I don't believe they ever have fully explained jus why some piggies insist on going Wee-Wee-Wee all th way home tho. I suspect a cover-up of some kind is involved, and I'm sure Dick Nixon is lurkin about in th shadows, but, thas another exposé for another day.

Now, because th truffles are dying, many oinkers are left idle, and jus wallow in the mud all day with nothin to do but Oink and grunt ansd snuffle around. But as ya know, idle piggies are th Devil's Workshop, so they are retrainin th unemployed piggies to find oil instead now. This created a problem of it's own tho, cuz, like, with greater discoveries come greater rewards. Th piggies are no longer willin to accept handfuls of corn for their discoveries and now insist on bein paid in truffles instead, thus further exacerbatin the current "truffle shortage" we are experiencing now.

So, y'see, th dying truffles, plus th greater demand from th insatiable piggies, combined with other global geo-political factors, all lumped together, have created this shortage.

I know, I know, it's complicated, but I hope this might give ya a better understanding of how we got ourselves into his mess. When ya delve deeper, ya will see th root causes of this dilemma are directly linked to our invasion of Iraq, but I don't have time to get into that right now, aw'right.

"The Brown Leaves On The Trees Drop In The Breeze."


th cap'm

Subject: Gettin Down To Th Real Nitty-Gritty!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 12:42 PM

Watchin these Senate hearings and listenin to these two stooges dance around th questions, evading and obfuscating, hemmin' and hawwin' around, my bud 'th Wink', has suggested a shortcut.

Perhaps a wee bIt o' th Waterboarding Method might loosen their tongues, eh? Seems reasonable to me. Whadda'ya think? Might we get a bit of straight talk fer a change?

th cap'm

Subject: senate hearings
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 11:34 AM

If ya've been watching th senate iraqi circus hearings starring Gen. Patraeus and Ambassador Crocker, i wonder what would happen to Crocker if he couldn't say "Uhh" every five seconds? I think his head might explode. It seems to be impossible for him to put together 6-7 words at a time without pausin to "uhh" and "umm". It’s so distracting to me I can't even focus on what th guy is even saying between them all!

th cap'm

Subject: A Father's Outrage
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 11:15 AM

Do ya recall some weeks ago, when David (?) Shuster asked an insulting rhetorical question as to whether th Clinton's were "pimping out Chelsea" in using her to promote Hillary's candidacy? And there was justifiable outrage from th Clintons. How dare peoples make unsavory remarks about their young innocent daughter?! I don't blame them for one minute! Who wouldn't be pissed?!

BUT...hmmmm.....I wonder....did Bill ever get a mental picture of th parents of th young, innocent, gullible daughters he was takin sexual advantage of, when he was PRESIDENT of the United States? Do ya think he ever had a thought about Monica's father? Do ya think he ever had a twinge of guilt about that? Yeah, he was outraged about sleazy remarks about his own daughter, but I wonder how he would have felt if he discovered that th most powerful man in th world, had been using his precious daughter as a sex toy?

I'll bet he woulda been annoyed!

th cap'm

Subject: These Fucking Clintons
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 3:02 PM

I wrote this bit of drivel two weeks ago and evidently never sent it. Well, ya know how it is, huh? Sometimes th mind wanders.


A couple of years ago when this presidential election first started, I was completely neutral towards Hillary. Some peoples I talked to loathed her intensely. I wondered why? Others were totally enamored of her. I wondered why? I was right down th middle with her, ready to make my judgement in due time.

Now, after watchin her and Bill in action, I am sick and disgusted with both of em. Their blind ambition, their willingness to stoop as low as possible to win, to do anything and everything, tells me all I need to know about em. Fuck th Clintons!!

Hillary and Bill Clinton have done more harm to th Democratic Party than John McCain could ever do. If th Dems should lose this election, after 8 years of disastrous Geo. Bush Republican Rule, you can lay th blame right at Hillary and Bills dirty feet!

Back in '92, when Bill Clinton was first elected, I admired him a lot. He seemed like a breath of fresh air at th time. That is, until th day someone asked him about his rumored use of marijuana as a youth. Bill said that he had only "experimented" with it, and, "didn't inhale". Oh sheeeit, Give-Me-A-Break!! Th phony-assed, lyin fucker lost me right and there. Fer good! I realized he was jus another hack politician who would say anything, no matter how stupid it was, to "spin" a story.

Like, can ya imagine, back there in th '70s, sittin around with other anti-war peoples, smokin a doobie, and this one fucker jus blows th smoke out and doesn't take a hit? Unbelievable! Nobody woulda ever passed him a joint again. He woulda been laffed and ridiculed outta th crowd. But, not fer not takin a hit; but fer th ridiculous fakin of it. They woulda prolly thought he was The Man!

Now, Bill serves as th attack dog for Hillary, attackin Obama in ways that Hillary can't do in person. It is unfathomable to me, that from an ethical and moral stance, he has th sheer audacity to attack anyone! But, they do it anyway.

Frankly, since th Clintons are willing to do whatever it takes to win, I don't know why Obama doesn't get down in th mud with em with a few remarks of his own about about th future Co-President's escapades when he was President? Some questions about his perjury perhaps, lying to Congress, under oath, in denying a sexual relationship with a young, 20 y/o gullible intern? Some questions about his impeachment? About Jennifer Flowers? And all th others? Sheeit, JFK was a novice in philandering, compared to Bill.

I dunno, maybe Obama jus has too much class! Did'ja see th latest bullshit coming from Hillary, reminiscin about her trip to, was it Bosnia? Back in th ‘90s, tryin to demonstrate her alleged foreign policy credentials, where with her shit eating grin, she jokingly remembered landing under hostile sniper fire, and because of that, th welcoming ceremony had to be moved some place else, more safe. Hmmm, talk about courage under fire! Wow! Pretty cool cookie, eh?! She might as well been talking about a picnic she attended.

And then she went on to laughingly remark about, how around th White House, (a not so subtle reminder that she'd been there already in th seat of Power) th joke was,

"If a place is too unimportant, or too DANGEROUS, send the First Lady!"

Yeah right, don't risk th President; send th ol Lady and th Kid. What Hill failed to realize was that Bill needed her outta th house so he could boink whoever was th Intern Du Jour of th week.

Of course, having now seen th videos of that event where a little 8-year-old gurl was also present, we didn't see any sniper rounds ricocheting about th place. This was at th ceremony that she said had to be moved because of th danger. Oops. Well, a spokesperson said, in defense of her Bullshit, that Hillary had meant th gunfire in maybe th surrounding areas. Another of her lackeys said she was sleep deprived when she said it. But at that time we weren't aware of th several other times she recalled that little anecdote. Seems to be a lotta sleep deprivation in Hillary's life, eh?


So, here we are two weeks later and th Clinton Campaign Bullshit Toilet jus keeps on over flowin! Disgusting!!!

th cap'm

Subject: One Of Life's Former Mysteries Unravelled
Sunday, April 6, 2008 9:58 PM

Friday nite, I branched out and went to a different tavern than my home tavern fer a change of pace. This young couple sittin next to me started a conversation with me by tellin me they recognized me from Mike's. Th guy remembered me from when he used to go in there back in '98 when he was goin to Rockhurst College. We got to talkin about th history of th tavern and so forth. Havin been a habitué there fer th last 43 years, I had a few tales to tell.

After some time exchangin stories bout mutual acquaintances and so on, he said to me,

"Charley, I have a confession to make! And I owe you a pitcher of beer."

Jokingly I said,

"Speak, my son, what is it?"

And he said,

"My buddy and I are th ones who stole your Jaguar hood ornament!"

I was speechless fer a second,

"Ya what?" I sputtered.

OK, a flashback here!!

See, here's what happened. One nite back in '98 I went in th joint and th bartender grinned and said to me,

"Charley, have I got a surprise fer you. Are ya ready? Yer gonna luv this! Ya been missin anything lately?" he asked in a teasin fashion.

Well, I didn't have th slightest idea what th hell he was rappin about and I said,

"What? What th fuck ya talkin bout? I'm not missin anything!"

And he reached under th bar and sat a paper bag on th bar with a loud clump and said with a Cheshire grin wrapped across his face,

"Go ahead. Take a look!"

So, still confused, I turned th bag upside down and out fell a hood ornament from a Jaguar just like mine. (1950 4 door Mark V Saloon) This is a chrome Jaguar in mid leap. I looked at it and said,

"Yeah cool. Thas reel nice!"

He was a clearly disappointed in my reaction and he said,

"Is that all ya gotta say bout it? It's nice?"

I said,

"Well, whadd'ya want me to say? What, are ya tryin to sell it?"

He said,

"Ya dummy. Thas yers!!!!"

"Whadda'ya mean it's mine?"

"That's from yer car!!!"

"Say what?! Bullshit! What in th hell are you talkin bout?"

"Well, go take a look at yer car then."

So, I stepped out th front door, cuz my car was parked right in front where I always park... and I couldn't believe it...but my hood ornament was gone!! As in, not there!!! I hadn't even noticed it was missin. I went back inside and angrily demanded,

"Where in th fuck-all did you get this??"

He splained to me that two young guys from Rockhurst College had come in earlier, giving it to him, and said they took it off my car th nite before! Bein good Catholic boyz, they had felt guilty bout it and fearin Eternal Damnation, I spose, had decided to return it. Sunuvabitch! Th fuckers had swiped my expensive hood ornament and I hadn't even noticed it was gone! I had driven th car home th nite before, and all about town that afternoon and hadn't realized it was missing.

After I recovered a bit, and thought th whole thing thru, I asked him who were th guys who took it? He said he had made a deal with em to return it to me, but on th condition he promised not to snitch em out. I was sooo glad to get it back (even tho I hadn't even known it was missin) I gave him th money fer a pitcher of beer, and tole him to buy em a pitcher fer me th next time they came in and tell em I said, Thanks.

Cuz, like, do ya know where ya can replace a hood ornament off a car that was 48 years old at th time and they only made 5,000 of em over a period of five years? Well, ya can't! Ya can't go to O'Reillys fer somthin like that, ya know! Th price of a pitcher of beer was a small price indeed, even tho they had stolen it in th first place. Sheeit, I woulda given em $300.00 fer it and been tickled to get it back. I had often thought about that fer several years wonderin which of these college dudes were th thieves?

So, here ten years later, th perp is sittin right next to me confessin his role. Ha ha. He said they both had felt reely bad about it all and he apologized to me several times. I said,

"Hey bro, it's cool man. Don't worry bout it! It was a long time ago. No problema. We're square!"

I could sense a weight liftin off his shoulders that prolly had more impact then his priest's absolvement in th confessional. haha. So, I sat with him and his fiancé and we rapped a bit, and he insisted on buyin me a beer and I bought them a drink too, and after some pleasant conversations, they departed in good cheer and they all lived happily ever after.

th cap'm

P.S. Boyz and gurlz, this is a good example of th old Chinese sayin,

"All things come to the patient man."

Subject: Th Biggest Scam Ever Perpetrated! ANYWHERE!
Thursday, April 3, 2008 4:01 PM

I'm talkin here bout those fuckers in th bottled water industry. Some how or another, in th past decade or so, they have managed to con peoples into payin OUTRAGEOUS amounts of money fer WATER, fr'crissake! Fer fuckin WATER! What a PR propaganda coup they have pulled off, eh!

We all bitch at th price of gas, now above $3.00 a gallon, and yet, peoples pay more money fer water, without blinkin an eye. What in th fuck is th matter with em? Huh?

Just stop and think what it takes to get a barrel of oil out of the ground in Saudi Arabia; th men and equipment it takes jus to bring it to th surface. Then th costs of shipping it half way across th world, and unloading, then transporting it to a refinery so that it can then be processed into gasoline. Ya ever see a pic of one of those refineries? Whew! With miles of pipes, and tanks and complicated processes to convert it into gasoline! Then, once again to be trucked to locations all over th country, and we bitch (and rightfully so, tho) about th three dollar costs per gallon!

Then compare that to what it takes to find some water? Do ya happen to know where there's some water boyz and gurlz? Not so hard to do, eh?! And then to run that water thru a very simple filtration system, and then truck it to yer local grocery store. Sheeit. It costs almost nada! Peanuts! And then.... and then, turn around and charge 5-6 dollars a gallon fer it? It's down right criminal! Double what a gallon of gas costs! And then some border-line insane peoples give it to their dogs? I mean, Fuuuuck!

OK, supposin ur out campin? Ya run outta yer water, but hey, no big deal, cus ya also brought along yer own little water filtration system ya paid 25 bucks fer.

I'm not sure on this, but ya could prolly run yer own piss thru it and drink it. Some of you outdoorsy peoples would know about this better then me; but run out kerosene fer yer lamp? If ya should have some drillin equipment with ya, and if ya found some oil, are there any refineries out there in th woods who could process that into some kerosene fer ya? Yeah, I kinda doubt it too.

Tell me, is it not mind bogglin that peoples pay what they do fer water thas no better then what comes outta th tap? And I think th purveyors of same, should be prosecuted thru some kinda Federal Outrageous Fraud Act. Say what ya will about th US, but I'd be wilin to bet we prolly have, THE SAFEST, CLEANEST WATER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! Are international tourists warned before comin here, "What ever you do, don't drink the water!? Because if you do, you'll be sorrrrry."

Nah, I don't think so! How many peoples are sent to th ER each year from drinkin contaminated water outta th tap? Now, fer sure, some times, mebbe becuz of flooding, or a problem with th water system, a community might have to warn its citizenry that th water is contaminated temporarily, but that is th exception. Sheet, a few years ago, hundreds of French peoples DID become violently ill from drinkin contaminated Perrier, which I found highly amusin at th time.

Now, if yer one of those unfortunates who have been a victim of this con and/or brainwashing and are now hopelessly addicted, I would suggest ya turn urself in to th Authorities so ya can get th help ya need.

Fer those others, who refuse to realize th jam they're in, who are in Denial, who buy so called mineral waters, and pay what they do fer it; they should be required to register, and then be subject to mental heath exams, to determine if they are sane enuff to walk among us. And fer those who have been found legally sane, but are sufferin from Acute Brainwashing, they should be sent to Rehabilitation Centers, where thru hard work and Discipline, th survivors can get their head 'right' and then be returned to polite society. Arbeit Mach Frei!

Thas what I think.

th cap'm

Subject: Another Exciting Tuesday Nite
Wednesday, April 2, 2008 3:25 PM

Last nite, as I was sittin at th bar, I overheard this 30's somthin dude tryin to explain to a couple of young gurls th major threat to th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

One of em had suggested it was th Chinese. He guffawed and waved that silly notion away with his hand. Nope! Not by a long shot! Gurls! Ha ha Whad'da they know? He was genuinely amused at this idea, becuz as he explained to em, It's th Mexicans and th Canadians!

Y'see, as he pointed out to em,

"A lot of people don't know it, but there are ten times as many Mexicans as there are Chinese!" Ha ha I'll bet ya didn't know That, did'ja!? And then, there's th Canadians to th North of us. In case they weren't aware of it, they had us surrounded.

How could those two silly, naive gurls believe that only three Billion Amerikans (I'll bet ya didn't know there were 3 Billion of us either, did'ja?) could hold off a combined attack from th two of em, while our Army is tied up in Iran and Pakistan. I know, I know, you thought we were in Iraq didn't ya? Ha ha

Silly Goose!

Comin at us from both directions at th same time, hemmed in East and West by th oceans, leavin us no place to flee to. One gurl, stunned by this scenario, tentatively said she didn't even think there were even that many Amerikans to hold em back? He replied rather aggressively,

"Of course there are! That's a known fact. Look up the census figures if you don't believe me. You'll see I'm right. But it's still nowhere near enuff."

I wanted very much to insinuate myself in that conversation and clear up a few misconceptions he seemed to have about th World Situation and some of his population figures, but how can one even talk to some one that obviously Stupid!? Instead, I tried to communicate this thought telepathically to th gurl,

"Tell im he's th Stupidest Mutherfucker Walkin!"

but I guess we were on different frequencies, cus she never got my message.

I jus couldn't listen any more, so I moved from th bar to a table where I normally sit. It's a good strategic spot, with my back to th wall, and good site lines all around. Nobody be sneakin up on me there. And although I could no longer hear what was bein said, I could still observe and take notes.

And then, I saw this criminally stupid idiot start sneezin, times in a row...POW! POW! POW! And he didn't even cover his mouth. I got a mental picture of millions of tiny microscopic germ laden droplets saturatin th area. He asked th barmaid fer a napkin, and before she could get it, he fired off a couple more. Boy, I was glad I moved when I did, but I still regretted leavin my gas mask at home. So, this dude proceeded to blow his nose with loud, honkin, liquidy noises, which I could easily hear even from where I was sittin. He asked fer a new napkin and wrapped it around his index appendage and then started stickin it up his nose to about th second joint, turnin and twistin it round and around, makin sure he got every last bit, I spose. I didn't know ya could stick yer finger that far up yer nose? cuz I haven't been to th circus in many decades and don't watch illusionists on th TV either. But he managed.

Now, I know we all got to perform certain ablutions from time to time, but does one needs to do it at th bar itself? Is Nothin sacred any more? Couldn't he have done th same thing in th privacy of th water closet? I mean, and believe me, I'm not a particularly squeamish person, but I'm not reel big on watchin a dude with his finger up his nostrils while I'm tryin to have a few beers. It jus strikes me unseemly, knowhutahmsayin?!

Well, like I said, Th Stupidest Mutherfucker Walkin!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Murdered Most Foul
Tuesday, April 1, 2008 3:47 PM

Earlier today I was shot and killed by an enraged Road Rager. I was simply draftin behind him, and when I went to sling myself around him, I barely bumped his rear fender. He got reel mad and after he regained control of his car he pulled alongside of me, havin worked hisself into a Rage, and unloaded his Glock 9mm on me hittin me in th head 7 times.

Whew! Th interior of th car was a mess. So was I. Th guy at th Detail shop told what was left of my head, that he was gonna have to charge me extra. Lacking sufficient brain cells to argue with him, I had to concede.

What about you boyz and gurls? Did you have an unpleasant day too?

th cap'm

P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!! Yuck! Yuck! I fooled ya didn't I?! That was jus an April Fools Joke! Never happened. I had ya goin there fer a while tho, didn't I? I jus love this day when ya can tell silly stories, and peoples don't know ur jus jivin em! I'm gonna try that story on some peoples at th saloon tonite; see their reactions! This oughta be fun, eh? Ha ha

Subject: Th Twinklin Of An Eye
Monday, March 31, 2008 2:41 PM

A few nites ago, I was hunkered down on th bar watchin a baseball game in th reflection of my watch face. Suddenly, th batter got a hit and th ball seemed to be headed straight fer me. I instinctively wanted to duck of course, but since th reflected image was upside down, I was confused as to which way to go, so I was sittin there bobbin n weavin, and th barmaid said,

"You OK, Charley?"

Not quite sure how to answer this most difficult and complicated question, I merely replied,

"Yeah, it's cool. I'm jus practicin some defensive moves here."

She shook her head, but apparently satisfied with my answer, she moved on about her real business, which was not about my well being at all.

But, durin this exchange, I happened to glance down at my hand cuz there on my pinky lives my gold lion's head ring. It normally has two small diamonds, one in each eye, and a third larger diamond in th mouth orifice. But, Zounds, somethin was amiss. As I scanned it closer, I perceived that th left eye diamond was missin.

That fuckin Nixon! Obviously one of his minions had crept into my crib while I was racked out, and absconded with it without me even knowin it was gone.

They're a sneaky buncha bastards, I'm tellin ya!

So anyway, I asked th barmaid if she had a felt tip pen. Rather than look at that ugly gouged out eyeball, I thought I would jus blacken th hole and draw a makeshift eye patch on. It seemed th sensitive thing to do, and I am nothin, if not sensitive, ya dig!

Once again, th barmaid asked me what I was up too now?

Feelin that Truth was th only answer, I told her that I was tryin to cover up an ugly gouged out eyeball. She shook her head again, and moved on down to th end of th th bar, whisperin somthin to a gurl sittin there. I guess it was amusin cuz they both started gigglin, but hey, y'know, they're gurls! They do that giggle thing fer no apparent reason. When gurls get together they giggle a lot. I often wonder what it is they're gigglin about all th time? Sometimes, I think they're giggling bout me! But, hey, y'know, I'm jus paranoid sometimes, cus why on earth would they be gigglin bout me? It don't make any sense does it!!

So, after makin my make shift eye patch, I figured I better write this down, otherwise some day in th future I would notice th missin eye ball and would be keenly upset. Th barmaid asked me what I was writin?

Questions. Questions . So many questions? I told her I was leavin coded directions fer my mind so it could return to this mental place again.

Once again, more gigglin from th gurls.

Well, after wakin up today, I decided to make a more permanent eye patch fer my lion. So, as I was washin away th ink outta th eyeball hole, I caught a glint of somthin. Somethin was catchin th light. GASP! It was th lost diamond eyeball. It was right there where it was suppossed to be! Somehow those fiends had managed to re-insert it while I was hangin out with Morpheus last nite. How do they do that?


th cap'm

Subject: Scoring With Th Gurlz
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 3:50 PM

A person I know, who shall remain nameless, (fer obvious reasons) wrote me recently,

Dear Cap'm,

I've been having terrible luck lately with th Ladies recently. Am writing you to see what you think of this new pick-up line I'm eager to try out. It goes like this,

"Hey Baby, let's Boogie til we puke! Or I'll punch you in th Tit."

Whadda'ya think?


Desperate in KC

I responded,

"Yo, Desperate, th Ladies like to be wooed with sweet nothings whispered in their ears, so I don't think ya'll have much better luck with that one? I suggest somethin a bit more subtle, drop th "Baby", fr'instance, it's too personal.

But...since we are are talkin bout th Inscrutable Female here......Quien sabe?

Let me know how it turns out?"

I don't know why exactly, but peoples are always seekin me out fer advice? I spose it's my level headed, sensible approach to matters, eh, but...Quien sabe?

th cap'm

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 2:57 PM

OK, Ooops. Several friends jus wrote to remind me that I was never in Vietnam!

So, mebbe that story bout Nam wasn't entirely accurate. Ok, I'll admit...I mis-spoke. Excuuuuuse me. I made a mistake, OK!? Jeeze. I'm only Human y'know.

I say literally millions of words a day (OK, mebbe thas an exaggeration. Damn! Nitpickers) and some times I might say somthin thas not precisely true.

So...whas th big fookin deal here? But, go ahead; draw and quarter me! Dang!!!

If peoples are gonna get upset over every little gaffe I make, mebbe I oughta jus shut th fuck up, eh?!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Reminisces; Th Early Years
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 2:42 PM

I was lying here on th sofa waitin fer some sausage to finish fryin up and, suddenly it triggered a memory of a mornin in th Nam. It was 1968 and I had only been in-country a couple of weeks before I was in a World of Hurt.

We were on a sweep down in th Delta and we were ambushed. Heavy weapons fire, mortars, and RPGs were coming down on us like a heavy rainstorm. Shrapnel was flyin everywhere. I remember runnin and duckin fer cover behind a rice paddy bank. We were pinned down and couldn't move. Several of my buddies had already been hit. Th LT was down too and so Sarnt Warner got on th horn and requested an air strike most ricky-ticky.

Jus a couple minutes later, two fast movers came streakin in unloadin their napalm on th tree line. Soon, it was reel quiet. We advanced and made it to th tree line and there wasn't much left. As a matter of fact, I think we mighta included a few burt out logs in our body count fer th day. Don't tell anybody tho. hehe

Oh man, it was great. There's nothin like th smell of fried gook early in th mornin.

th cap'm


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