Subject: Th Cap'm Murdered Most Foul
Date: Tuesday, April 1, 2008 3:47 PM

Earlier today I was shot and killed by an enraged Road Rager. I was simply draftin behind him, and when I went to sling myself around him, I barely bumped his rear fender. He got reel mad and after he regained control of his car he pulled alongside of me, havin worked hisself into a Rage, and unloaded his Glock 9mm on me hittin me in th head 7 times.

Whew! Th interior of th car was a mess. So was I. Th guy at th Detail shop told what was left of my head, that he was gonna have to charge me extra. Lacking sufficient brain cells to argue with him, I had to concede.

What about you boyz and gurls? Did you have an unpleasant day too?

th cap'm

P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!! Yuck! Yuck! I fooled ya didn't I?! That was jus an April Fools Joke! Never happened. I had ya goin there fer a while tho, didn't I? I jus love this day when ya can tell silly stories, and peoples don't know ur jus jivin em! I'm gonna try that story on some peoples at th saloon tonite; see their reactions! This oughta be fun, eh? Ha ha

Subject: Th Twinklin Of An Eye
Date: Monday, March 31, 2008 2:41 PM

A few nites ago, I was hunkered down on th bar watchin a baseball game in th reflection of my watch face. Suddenly, th batter got a hit and th ball seemed to be headed straight fer me. I instinctively wanted to duck of course, but since th reflected image was upside down, I was confused as to which way to go, so I was sittin there bobbin n weavin, and th barmaid said,

"You OK, Charley?"

Not quite sure how to answer this most difficult and complicated question, I merely replied,

"Yeah, it's cool. I'm jus practicin some defensive moves here."

She shook her head, but apparently satisfied with my answer, she moved on about her real business, which was not about my well being at all.

But, durin this exchange, I happened to glance down at my hand cuz there on my pinky lives my gold lion's head ring. It normally has two small diamonds, one in each eye, and a third larger diamond in th mouth orifice. But, Zounds, somethin was amiss. As I scanned it closer, I perceived that th left eye diamond was missin.

That fuckin Nixon! Obviously one of his minions had crept into my crib while I was racked out, and absconded with it without me even knowin it was gone.

They're a sneaky buncha bastards, I'm tellin ya!

So anyway, I asked th barmaid if she had a felt tip pen. Rather than look at that ugly gouged out eyeball, I thought I would jus blacken th hole and draw a makeshift eye patch on. It seemed th sensitive thing to do, and I am nothin, if not sensitive, ya dig!

Once again, th barmaid asked me what I was up too now?

Feelin that Truth was th only answer, I told her that I was tryin to cover up an ugly gouged out eyeball. She shook her head again, and moved on down to th end of th th bar, whisperin somthin to a gurl sittin there. I guess it was amusin cuz they both started gigglin, but hey, y'know, they're gurls! They do that giggle thing fer no apparent reason. When gurls get together they giggle a lot. I often wonder what it is they're gigglin about all th time? Sometimes, I think they're giggling bout me! But, hey, y'know, I'm jus paranoid sometimes, cus why on earth would they be gigglin bout me? It don't make any sense does it!!

So, after makin my make shift eye patch, I figured I better write this down, otherwise some day in th future I would notice th missin eye ball and would be keenly upset. Th barmaid asked me what I was writin?

Questions. Questions . So many questions? I told her I was leavin coded directions fer my mind so it could return to this mental place again.

Once again, more gigglin from th gurls.

Well, after wakin up today, I decided to make a more permanent eye patch fer my lion. So, as I was washin away th ink outta th eyeball hole, I caught a glint of somthin. Somethin was catchin th light. GASP! It was th lost diamond eyeball. It was right there where it was suppossed to be! Somehow those fiends had managed to re-insert it while I was hangin out with Morpheus last nite. How do they do that?

DAMMIT. TH FUCKERS JUS BE MESSIN WITH MY MIND AGAIN!!

th cap'm

Subject: Scoring With Th Gurlz
Date: Wednesday, March 26, 2008 3:50 PM

A person I know, who shall remain nameless, (fer obvious reasons) wrote me recently,

Dear Cap'm,

I've been having terrible luck lately with th Ladies recently. Am writing you to see what you think of this new pick-up line I'm eager to try out. It goes like this,

"Hey Baby, let's Boogie til we puke! Or I'll punch you in th Tit."

Whadda'ya think?

signed,

Desperate in KC

I responded,

"Yo, Desperate, th Ladies like to be wooed with sweet nothings whispered in their ears, so I don't think ya'll have much better luck with that one? I suggest somethin a bit more subtle, drop th "Baby", fr'instance, it's too personal.

But...since we are are talkin bout th Inscrutable Female here......Quien sabe?

Let me know how it turns out?"

I don't know why exactly, but peoples are always seekin me out fer advice? I spose it's my level headed, sensible approach to matters, eh, but...Quien sabe?

th cap'm

Subject: CORRECTION, MEA CULPA
Date: Wednesday, March 26, 2008 2:57 PM

OK, Ooops. Several friends jus wrote to remind me that I was never in Vietnam!

So, mebbe that story bout Nam wasn't entirely accurate. Ok, I'll admit...I mis-spoke. Excuuuuuse me. I made a mistake, OK!? Jeeze. I'm only Human y'know.

I say literally millions of words a day (OK, mebbe thas an exaggeration. Damn! Nitpickers) and some times I might say somthin thas not precisely true.

So...whas th big fookin deal here? But, go ahead; draw and quarter me! Dang!!!

If peoples are gonna get upset over every little gaffe I make, mebbe I oughta jus shut th fuck up, eh?!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Reminisces; Th Early Years
Date: Wednesday, March 26, 2008 2:42 PM

I was lying here on th sofa waitin fer some sausage to finish fryin up and, suddenly it triggered a memory of a mornin in th Nam. It was 1968 and I had only been in-country a couple of weeks before I was in a World of Hurt.

We were on a sweep down in th Delta and we were ambushed. Heavy weapons fire, mortars, and RPGs were coming down on us like a heavy rainstorm. Shrapnel was flyin everywhere. I remember runnin and duckin fer cover behind a rice paddy bank. We were pinned down and couldn't move. Several of my buddies had already been hit. Th LT was down too and so Sarnt Warner got on th horn and requested an air strike most ricky-ticky.

Jus a couple minutes later, two fast movers came streakin in unloadin their napalm on th tree line. Soon, it was reel quiet. We advanced and made it to th tree line and there wasn't much left. As a matter of fact, I think we mighta included a few burt out logs in our body count fer th day. Don't tell anybody tho. hehe

Oh man, it was great. There's nothin like th smell of fried gook early in th mornin.

th cap'm

Subject: Five Tips From Th Cap'm Fer A More Serene Lifestyle
Date: Sunday, March 23, 2008 4:17 PM

1. Do not engage Moby Johnson, The Great White Whale, in combat. (you will go to a watery grave if you do)

2. Avoid Th Giant Green Frog. (warts are nasty and unseemly looking)

3. Shun Th Big Black Chicken. (if not, you'll wish you had simply broken a mirror instead)

4. Do not attempt to feed Th Chupacabras. (unless you feel you can still have a rewarding life without hands)

5. Do not adopt Th Mongolian Death Worm as a pet. (survivors of some families could attest to this one)

Of course there are no guarantees in Life, but if you follow these five simple rules, you can eliminate a lot of unnecessary stress in your own life.

Try em. See if th Grasshopper doesn't speak th Truth!

th cap'm

Subject: I'm Curious
Date: Friday, March 21, 2008 3:46 AM

Is that fuckin stooge Joe Lieberman goin to be John McCain's VP? Is he goin to be McCain's Dick Cheney? Thas OK by me, cuz, like, I'm all fer it. Lieberman had to whisper in McCain's ear recently to correct McCain's oft repeated idiotic assertion that Al Quaida and Iran were linked, when in fact, they're bitter enemies. One's Sunni, and th other's Shiite. Y'know, those same two factions that are blowin each other up daily in Iraq? And McCain sez he's th only one whose qualified to be CIC? If it weren't so serious, it'd be laughable.

Those two morons deserve each other. If brain cells were explosive, ya couldn't get a spark between th two of em. Two brains so shallow and stagnant a tadpole couldn't wallow in their combined pool. Go ahead guys, hook up.

By th way, did'ja happen to see that interview of Dick Cheney, where th reporter asked Cheney what he thought about some poll indicating that 67% (I believe, not sure of th actual number tho) of th Amerikan peoples disagreed with th war in Iraq, and Cheney responded in typical Cheney dismissive fashion,

"So what! Who cares?"

That was his reply, verbatim. Ha ha. Unbelievable! And th reporter was somewhat flabbergasted and so to make sure she heard what she thought she heard, gave him a chance to clarify, asked him,

"So....are you saying you don't really care what the Amerikan peoples say? That it doesn't matter?"

And Cheney, not missin a beat, said that, "Well, the Amerikan people had been mislead."

Can you believe th sheer audacity and arrogance of this mutherfucker? To dismiss out of hand, the views of th majority of th peoples by accusing others of misleading th Amerikan public? After th WMD fiasco? Ha ha. I mean, this is incomprehensible that they would publicly state in such a blatant fashion this notion that th peoples themselves, in spite of every thing we are taught about how our government is supposed to function, are immaterial. Th Vice President of th United States sez they don't give a damn what th majority of th Amerikan peoples think!

It is unbelievably outrageous to me, but on th other hand, completely in line with this administration's views on who runs this country, and what their powers are. Is there no limit to their disdain of th way this country is supposed to be run according to th Constitution, and all those other silly documents, like th Bill of Rights?

I wanna go and curse, and scream, and rage, and gnash my teeth and rend my hair and howl at th moon and exercise some projectile vomiting. Th Mutherfuckers! But, to what end? Cause lets face it, th individual is completely powerless and all ya accomplish is to raise yer blood pressure fer absolutely fuckin nada.

Right about now, I needs to do some Zen relaxin techniques... or wait.... I got a better idea....anybody got a match?

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Th White Rule
Date: Thursday, March 20, 2008 8:00 PM

I have been told by several of my sources on th street that th White Rule applies to Memorial Day and Labor Day and has got nothin to do with Easter. I wish I'd had some of my advisors with me there last nite to inform me of that, so I coulda properly put that young twit in her place.

As it was, I violated th most basic tenant of th Boy Scout faith: BE PREPARED!
MEA CULPA!

th satorially "slow" cap'm

Subject: Robbery On Th Riverboat
Date: Thursday, March 20, 2008 3:38 PM

I jus got robbed and th fuckers didn't even have a gun!! I took my Mz Daisy out to Harrah's fer her bi-weekly gamblin session (scuse me but I refuse to use th euphemisn, "gaming") and she said she'd like a candy bar. We stopped at th confectionary store before goin in th casino proper, and she told me to get one fer muhself. I got a Snickers fer her and a Reeces Peanut butter fer moi. I took two dollars outta my pocket to pay fer em, but....GET THIS, they were $4.98!!
Fer two candy bars!! I said, in an incredulous tone,

"What? Are you jivin me? Thas outrageous!"

Th gurl behind th counter put her hands in th air and shrugged and said,

"I'm sorry, but I don't make the prices."

"Yeah, I know ya don't sweetie, but I'm jus sayin....."

and so, I put th two 1s back in my pocket and fished out a fiver, and jus to let her know, I wasn't no cheapskate, told her to, "keep th change hon."

Ya'd think Harrah's makes enuff jack fleecin th rubes, they wouldn't havta charge five bucks fer two steeenking candy bars, wouldn't ya? But hey, y'know, charge whatever th market will bear, huh!

This so-called free market system can get pretty flaky sometimes. Before ya know it, th curs will be chargin us $3.00 a gallon fer gas!!

th cap'm

P.S. By th bye, jus where in th hell does one go to get one of those free markets anyway?

Subject: Un Fashion Faux Pas? I Think Not!
Date: Thursday, March 20, 2008 1:19 PM

Last nite, th weather bein somewhat warmer than lately, I decided to wear my white panama straw hat rather than my black felt fedora. However, I was taken to task by an alert, young female member of the Fashion Po-lice who accosted me and told me that one didn't wear white before Easter. Th White Rule.

"Sheeeit!" I snickered derisively. I told her,

"Hey Princess, I'm a Rebel, OK?! It's not an accident, or out of ignorance, that I'm wearin this hat. I know what th Regs say, but I've been a Fashionista Outlaw all my life and as such, this is a deliberate and conscious effort on my part to defy Dumb, Stupid-Ass Non-sensical, Meaningless Traditions and th Norm, whatever that might be, so do me a favor, will'ya? Fuck off! Get outta my face! And mind yer own fuckin business, eh!!"

Taken aback, she said,

"Oh my, some one is a bit touchy, aren't they?"

I said,

"Nah sweetie, it's not that; it's jus that some one is a snot-nosed punk-assed brat who never learned any fuckin manners, now whyn't ya go out and play in th sandbox and leave th grown-ups alone!"

She flipped me th finger and wheeled around and huffily went back to her table where she and her friends were and they all looked in my direction, where I carefully as could, mouthed th phrase,

"FUCK YOU!"

in such a manner that one need not be a lip reader to understand what I was sayin.

What is th matter with our youth today? They apparently have no respect fer old codgers at all.

th cap'm

P.S. I was kinda surprised that she chose to nail me on th White Rule, but said nothin bout my bright purple slacks combined with my orange ban-lon sweater and my red sneakers con green socks???

Subject: Th Curse Begins
Date: Tuesday, March 18, 2008 2:20 PM

After that encounter with th Big Black Chicken last Friday nite, I was wonderin if there was any validity to th stories of bad luck that was supposed to follow anyone unfortunate enuff to have th Black Chicken cross their path?

It didn't take long, altho I didn't recognise what was happenin at first. Saturday nite, late, I was sittin in my joint down in th Plazah, gettin ready to fall off my stool and figured it was time to egress, and jus as I started to get up, th waitress, who was foolin with some condiments right behind me said,

"Ohmigod, Charley, I'm sooo sorry!"

I said,

"Whas'sa matter?"

She said,

"Damn! I jus accidentally squirted salsa all over your coat."

I looked where she was pointin and all over th side and back of my white sport coat, there were big globs of salsa. Curses! She felt reel bad about it, and offered to pay th cleaning bill, but I told her not to worry bout it. No big deal! I'll buy another one fer another four dollars.

So I went on back to th crib and threw th coat in th trash and decided an early morn breakfast would hit th spot. I successfully fried up some sausages and mixed a plate full of peanut butter and syrup. I love peanut butter and syrup. Oooh, thas tasty. But it can be messy, and rememberin th BBQ I dropped in my lap a few nites earlier, I figured th prudent thing to do was to lose th slacks, so I sat down to scarf up my breakfast in my shorts, and sunuvabitch! I dropped th fookin plate in my lap. Again! Sheeit. I had peanut butter and syrup, sausages, toast and jelly all about my lower person. Gosh darn it to all heck! I'm gonna buy myself one of those breath-alyzers th coppers use and put it on th kitchen door, and if I blow more than twice th legal limit, it will deny me access, thus savin me monies on wardrobe and wasted foods.

Ok, that was two incidents in one nite, directly after th Black Chicken sighting. Co-incidence? Curse? I dunno. I tried to put it outta my mind and not worry bout it.

So, last nite, as part of my St. Patty's Day warmup, I did up a bowl of some fine herb, to get my head right before th th horrors of th evening. Feelin much better and ready to face th nite, I drove up to th joint using my regular route thru th UMKC campus, and as I was turnin a corner there, I saw it. It was a sittin duck!

Right there on my right, thru th passenger window as I was makin my turn, I saw it. But becuz of th rain comin down reel hard, I wasn't sure and tried to put th window down, but I'd already made th turn. I tried lookin thru th mirror but everything was too blurry. Damn, I thought,

"There be ducks about!",

but what th hell was a duck doin sittin there on th corner of 52nd and Holmes? I mean, th Loose Park Duck and Goose Critters Pond was only a few blocks away. Why wasn't th duck sittin over there with others of it's own kind? Why was it sittin there startlin stoned motorists? Why couldn't it chase some bicyclist or somthin? Why me?

But then I thought,

"Mebbe it wasn't a duck after all. Mebbe it was jus somthin that looked like a sittin duck?! Mebbe it was jus a fig newton of my imagination."

And then I thought about th Big Black Chicken, and began to wonder about it's possible role in flingin foods all over me, and now this mysterious duck, and before I realized it, I was at that very same haunted intersection where I had had that frightening experience jus last week. I was expectin th Big Black Chicken to jump outta th bushes and start Cock-a-doodle-doo-in in a maniacal manner.

I panicked. I pushed that pedal on th floor all th way down, causin huge amounts of gasoline to be fed into th engine where it exploded, causin th pistons to pump up and down makin th crankshaft go around and that was connected to a gear box which made th wheels spin so fast that th friction between th rubber and th pavement caused th rubber to melt and great clouds of burnin rubber smoke filled th nite air as I screeched down th street, th car slidin back and forth while I tried to maintain control.

Whew! Before I was cursed, gettin to th bar was a helluva lot easier! Yaknowhutahmean?!

Now, here in th afternoon, I'm already gettin anxious bout tonite's drive thru th Forbidden Zone. I wonder if those young peoples at UMKC have any idea of th sinister goings on in th shadows after dark on campus?

th cap'm

P.S. I wonder? Mebbe it's my civic duty to patrol th campus in th evenings with a bullhorn announcin,

"ATTENTION STUDENTS! BEWARE OF TH BIG BLACK CHICKEN! FLEE! FLEE AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

Subject: Th Day Of Th Rookie
Date: Monday, March 17, 2008 7:02 PM

Holidays like St. Patty's, New Years Eve, Mardi Gras, etc, bring th rookies outta th woodwork. These critters are mostly younger peoples who don't get out all that much. Check out th scene tonite if ya don't believe me. 90% of tonite's revellers will be knockin back Z's by ten o'clock.

So, on those special occasions, such as this, when they do get out, they feel like they must make it memorable. They gotta act stupid and do dumb things so, y'know, like, they'll have a St. Patty's story to trade with others of their ilk on Monday. Y'know, they gotta get crazy, and foolish, and obnoxious and outta control, otherwise they might just as well stayed home. And fer some reason, I think peoples get nuttier on St. Patty's Day than any other day, New Years included. It's expected! St. Patty's Day seems to be more about gettin goofy and RAISIN HELL, than just gettin drunk and havin a good time. And th problem is; they insist that you get jus as stupid as they are!

"Hey, whassa matter with you man? How come yer not havin a good time too? C'mon, man, it's St. Patty's Day. Yeeeehaw! C'mon, get with it!"

In other words, how come yer not yellin and screamin and actin like a dumb fuckin teenager gettin drunk yer first time too?!

Sheeit in th last 52 years, I've already been drunk prolly 15,000 times at least, so at this stage of th game, it's kinda hard to get real excited bout gettin drunk fer St. Patty's Day. Or New Years, or Cinco de Mayo, or July 4th, or Fat Tuesday, or my birthday, or yer birthday, or anybody's else's birthday, or any damn thing else peoples use as an excuse to get drunk on....cuz I'm gonna get drunk anyway! Y'dig. Don't reely need a reason, it's jus what I do.

I jus like to do it more quietly now.

th cap'm

P.S. I did accept a necklace of green beads out at th casino earlier today and I'm gonna wear em tonite jus so I don't havta listen to all those queries, "Hey man, whassa matter you? Ya don't got no green on!"

But, don't get me wrong cuz, I gots plenty amigos of th Irish bog-runner persuasion, and they're all good peeples even if they do get carried away sometimes with that Emerald Isle Admiration Society Thing.

"May ye be a half hour in Heaven fore th Devil knows yer gone.\

Subject: Hubris? Or Something Else?
Date: Monday, March 17, 2008 12:03 PM

There is a reason Wall Streeters broke out the champagne and celebrated Elliot Spitzer's downfall, because he was the only person in government who had gone after them. You can bet you could hear their collective sigh of relief as far away as California.

As Governor of New York, he was virtually the only government official who threatened the fat cats monopoly to screw over millions of Amerikans with complete immunity.

Perhaps you remember the few CEO's (the tip of the iceberg) prosecuted for their Crimes against Humanity were were because he was the Anti-Corruption State Attorney General. When elected Governor by a huge majority, he promised to attack the corruption in New York politics and clean up Albany.
Then came the Fall.

Was it only co-incidence that the day the Fed offered TWO HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS in public money to bail out the large investment bankers whose Ponzi-like scheme finally collapsed in on themselves, was the same day his scandal broke? I think there was a message there,

"Don't fuck with our playground!"

Question: out of the 200 Billion Dollar bailout, how many hundreds of dollars went to the millions of victims of this massive fraud?

Answer: not a fuckin dime!

Yeah right, shame on you Mr. Spitizer for betraying your wife and family, and your supporters who believed in you. And yeah, sure he was a hypocrite in his holier-than-thou attitude, but as hypocrites go; you could do a lot worse!

th cap'm

Subject: KCTV 5
Date: Monday, March 17, 2008 11:37 AM

LIVE-LATE BREAKING-INVESTIGATIVE

In another classic example of th KCTV interviews we have come to rely on to get not only th News, but th gut feelins of those involved, th witnesses to th drama and oft times, th victims themselves, th question concernin th Dignity, or lack thereof, in th display of th "Human Body Revealed" at Union Station was put by one of KCTV's Live-Late-Breaking Investigators to a cute, little gurl of about five,

"Did you find the display of the bodies was offensive to you?"

She paused, while she considered th question carefully, then replied shyly, with a gap-toothed grin,

"Kind of."

OK! So there you have it. Another opinion on this controversial subject by another member of th citizenry. Only on KCTV 5, LIVE LATE...BREAKING...INVESTIGATIVE.

Thanks KCTV 5 for being there, and askin th tough, probing questions!
I do think tho, in all Fairness and Balance, they shoulda asked another 5 year old their opinion, who mighta replied,

"Cool."

th cap'm

Subject: The Legend Of The Big Black Chicken; It's Not A Myth!
Date: Saturday, March 15, 2008 1:19 PM

I'm sure ya'll have heard of this story before about th Big Black Chicken. Th natives often sing of it around their campfires at nite and th miscreant children are warned that th BBC will get them if they don't behave. He's, like, th boogie-man, y'know. So strong is their belief in th Big Black Chicken, that they believe its a sign of imminent misfortune to simply have a black chicken cross their paths. This bodes ill fer th unfortunate.

Now, personally, I have never paid much attention to this whole BBC account, puttin it in th same category as th chupacabra, big foot, th yeti, th Loch Ness monster, gnomes, fairies, and of course th Mongolian Death Worm. (ya wanna scare th kiddies? tell em bout th Mongolian Death Worm haha) Now, of course we all know about th UFO's. They're real.

Sure. I see em all th time. Almost nightly. Sometimes they circle around my neighborhood makin that whop-whoppin sound and they have blinkin lights of their craft and use a giant flashlight lookin fer Humans to conduct their grisly experiments on. I always evade em by turnin my lights off and drivin as fast as my car will go so they can't keep up with me. Altho it can be dangerous when blowin thru intersections at 120, th consequences of capture are even worse. Sometimes ya jus gotta do what ya gotta do. eh!

Well, I'm sure ya'll know whut I mean, eh. I've seen em so many times I don't even bother reportin em any more. Like, I call th Po-lice and th dispatcher cups th phone but I can still hear im sayin, "It's that guy on Walnut again; sez UFO's are circlin his house." And then I hear snickers and guffaws in th back ground.
But, as of last nite; I Am A Believer. I saw th Big Black Chicken with my own eyes. I jus wish I'd had a camera. I was leavin th saloon at closin time, on my way to a late nite joint, and I was crusin thru th campus at UMKC at th designated 20 mph, and I came to an intersection checkin fer traffic, and altho traffic is not real heavy at two in th morn, thas jus th way I roll, ya'dig. A safe driver, cus y'know, like, I'm drunk. So, I'm cautious.

Suddenly....without warning, this apparition crossed th street right in front of me. I hit th breaks and what I thought I saw, was an elderly lady in black leotards, with a white belt around her waist. She had red hair that was stacked high on her head and a sharp peaked nose and as she ran she was bent over at th waist and her arms were pumpin forward and her head was boppin forward and backward with each stride. Before I could even react she vanished off in to th night without a trace. Then th chilling realization hit me. I gasped. GASP. It dawned on me that what I had seen was Not an elderly lady out fer her 2 AM run, but was in fact, TH BIG BLACK CHICKEN.

I saw it with my own orbs. I was within 25 feet of it. Oh, it was ghastly. I gripped th steerin wheel with white knuckles all th way to th next joint. And when I got there, I didn't linger out there in th early morning nite, but scurried as fast as I could to get inside, cuz, I Knew, th Big Black Chicken was on th prowl. I ordered a Bud and tole th bartender, "Make that a double!" as I tried to control my tremblin hands.

Now today, I'm afraid to leave th safety of my sofa, cuz, like, if a black chicken crossin yer path means means yer in fer some trouble, then...pray tell, what doth it portendeth that th chicken was five fuckin feet tall!!?

I'll tell ya what it means; it means I'm in a World of Hurt, thas what it means! Oh woe. I see bad days ahead. I think it might be a good time fer me to check my survival space under th kitchen sink; make sure I have plenty crackers and tuna to last til this Curse runs it's course. Oh, why me? Huh? Why me?

th cap'm

P.S. I can tell ya one thing fer sure; this mornin I'm findin a new route to take. Fer now, I'm gonna repair to th safety of my Lair, until it's time to resume my drinkin activities.

Subject: Time For Someone To Take Some Responsibility
Date: Thursday, March 13, 2008 12:25 PM

OK, early this morning, I decided to eat a plate of BBQ. I slathered up my brisket with plenty of Gate's BBQ sauce and zapped it in th radar range. At th sound of th ping I removed it and sat it on th edge of th table and sat down to "Enjoy", as they say. But some how or another, and I'm not sure jus what happened, cus it happened so fast, but th whole fuckin plate, meat, sauce and all, wound up in my lap on my new slacks. Sheeeit. "MUTHERFUCKER!!" I screamed out. "WHAT TH FUCK?!!!" No way I can possibly get all this crap off my pantalones. Ruined. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

I don't know which of th two taverns I went to is most responsible? I was obviously over-served! How could one reasonably expect a loon as drunk and fucked up as I was to function properly? Preparin and eating a meal was obviously out of my range. Will they take responsibility for my slacks? What about th costs of my foods? Whose gonna reimburse me fer that? What about th Mental Anguish and Trauma I suffered? Huh? What about that? Should I contact my Solicitor and bring charges of Irresponsiblity against them?

Or....mebbe th poltergeists I share my crib with were responsible? They're always droppin things in various rooms while I lie/lay about here on th sofa, knockin on th walls at all hours of th nite. Are they gettin more brazen now? Does this signal an escalation of their harassment? A "surge" of some kind? Yeah, sure, fat chance they'll cop out to it!

And then, what about Slicky Dicky? Did he somehow or another manage to slide that plate off th table onto my lap? Sure, he sez he's not a crook, but ya know what, I don't believe im! Never did! As ya know, we don't xactly like each other, Dick Nixon and I, and this is th kind of chicanery he would pull. But, looky here; don'e be holdin yer breath waitin fer him to acknowledge any role here.

See, thas th trouble in our Society today; No one will accept Responsibility fer their actions. They always try and lay th blame on someone else. There's no personal accountability.

Jus once, I'd like to hear some one say, "Sorry bout that Cap'm, it was totally my fault ye ran yer car into that brick wall." Jus once!

But.....SIGH.....it's not gonna happen.

Know whut I mean?!

th cap'm

Subject: "What! Me Worry?"
Date: Wednesday, March 12, 2008 1:41 PM

A little while ago I went to th drive-thru at th bank to make a deposit. Th last time I went there to get a check cashed, th little gurl there, who was new, shorted me a hundred bucks. I didn't discover her mistake til I got home. I was extremely miffed. I was agitated and annoyed. I went back and reamed her a new one. I really kinda went off on her. She apologised. I told her rather sarcastically,

"Oh don't worry bout it sweetie. After all, it was only a hundred fuckin dollars! Y'know, No big deal, right!?"

After my tirade, she was bitin her lip, to keep from sobbin.

So, today, there she was again at th window. Feelin kinda bad bout th way I treated her last time, I said in a cheery voice, while flashin my pearlie-whites in my friendliest smile,

"Hi there young lady, how ya doin today?"

jus to let her know everything's cool, and I wasn't holdin her earlier stupidity against her. I gave her my deposit slip made out fer 600 dollars and gave her 6 hundred dollar bills. She came back a few minutes later and asked me somthin, but I couldn't understand her. I said, once again in a friendly kinda way,

"I'm sorry, What did you say?"

And she said,

"Do you want me to deposit the entire amount?"

She caught me completely off guard with that and I didn't know what to say fer a moment, cuz like, I thought th idea behind a deposit slip was that you specified how much money you wanted to deposit, (in my case it was 600 dollars) and then you gave them that money, (which is why I gave her six one hundred dollar bills) and then they credited that amount to yer balance. Her question seemed a bit superfluous to me. Am I missin somthin? Fer a sec, I thought mebbe I was dreamin. I looked at th sky to check, cuz in my dreams th sky is always bright orange. Nope! Th sky was blue. No problema there. Then I checked my surroundings, waitin fer some asshole to pop up and tell me, "Smile. You're on, "Make a Fool of Yourself!" But th coast was clear. Nah, I wasn't th victim of some stupid TV show either.

So, still maintainin my friendly mien, I told her that, yes, indeed, go ahead and deposit it all, th whole six hundred samoleans, jus like th deposit slip indicates.

After some few minutes to conduct this intricate and complicated transaction, she gave me my deposit receipt slip. I checked it over very carefully, utilizin my magnifying glass lookin fer discrepancies, before I felt comfortable leaving.

Now, I wonder? Is she a part of it? Is she involved? I'm referrin of course to th vast right-wing conspiracy aligned against me. I can't help but wonder jus how many peoples are? Are th fuckin loony-tunes who sit next to me every nite in on it too? Are th assholes who disregard th YIELD sign as they try and enter th highway almost crashin into my side involved? Is it their collective mission to unbalance th mental gyroscope of my mind causin me to crash and burn?

Hmmmm. I wonder?

th cap'm

P.S. That fuckin Nixon jus won't let our feud go!!! Ever since that prick sent me off to th Gulag in '70, he's been on my case. Now he's got little young gurl bank tellers doin his bidding! It's a good thing that fuckers' dead already!

Subject: Th Cap'ms Low Hipness Factor Exposed
Date: Monday, March 10, 2008 3:27 PM

Y'know, I'll admit, th Hip Express Train has gone and left me and th other geezers stranded at th station. I was late, as usual, and could only watch it disappear down th tracks, as we all stood around confused and mumblin, tryin our various excuses out on each other.

"Hey, I was Prep H-in my ass and lost track of time."

Y'know, that sorta thing.

But, never mind all that. What I wanna rap about here is this fad of wearin th trousers sooo low, they're about to slide down. This, as ya may have noticed, is remedied by walkin with th legs sprawled way out. Resultin in a kinda duck waddle as it were. It reminds me of a person who had jus pooped their pants and are tryin to minimize...oh well, never mind all that. No need to get graphic here, eh.

As ya may know, this originated in th prisons as a way fer a guy to demonstrate, that in spite of his ass bein exposed, he was such a bad mo fo, he could get away with it. Then as soon as all these guys were rehabilitated and got back on th streets, they didn't wanna give up that bad ass image, thus...here we are today.

Our youth copyin em.

Now looky here, I don't care whether yer a black dude or a honkie, it don't matter cuz all I gotta say is; it looks ridiculously stupid to me!! OK?! Doin that duck waddle. Sheeit!

But, what th hell, why don't we take this bit of tomfoolery another step? Like, what I'm proposin is; that we narrow th pant legs, but, we put a brightly colored rope cord, dependin on yer posse's favorite color, connectin th two legs, thus forcin one to do th "shackle-shuffle". Whadda ya say? Wouldn't that be tres cool and hip?

Man, those guys shoulda held that train up fer me, cuz even tho I'ma square, I still got some ideas, knowhutahmsayin.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: SAD*
Date: Saturday, March 8, 2008 2:30 PM

Eureka! Ol Mr. Sol is back. I was beginnin to think he had pulled up stakes and moved to a different neighborhood. I looked out th window and could see sun rays all over th place. I saw shadows too. Thas how ya can tell if yer jus dreamin, cus dream suns cast no shadows.

Ok, thas a start. Now, let's cue up bees hummin, insects buzzin, birds singin, crickets chirpin, leaves swishin in th gentle breeze and that'll go a long way towards riddin myself of this SAD I've been sufferin from. Oooh, it's been BAD!

I'm reel tired of th cold, bitin, winds, th grey gloomy days one after another, th poundin of th rain, th slosh-slosh of rainwater, th crunch-crunch of snow, ice, and sleet beneath my feet. Basta!!!

Let's jus hope this means a reel change, and not jus an aberration, cuz with this Bitch Muther Nature, ya never know!

th cap'm

*SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) from wikipedia

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, is a mood disorder. Most SAD sufferers experience normal mental health throughout most of the year, but experience depressive symptoms in the winter.

Seasonal mood variations are believed to be related to light. An argument for this view is the effectiveness of bright light therapy.

The symptoms of SAD mimic those of dysthymia or clinical depression. At times, patients may not feel depressed, but rather lack energy to perform everyday activities.

The most common symptoms of SAD include extreme fatigue, oversleeping, not being able to get out of bed, overeating, carbohydrate cravings and weight gain.

It can also be accompanied by the regular symptoms of depression, such as low mood, loss of interest in activities and trouble concentrating.

Connections between human mood, as well as energy levels, and the seasons are well-documented, even in healthy individuals.

How bout you boyz n gurlz, do you have SAD too?

Subject: A Tale Of Yore From Yellow Cab Land
Date: Thursday, March 6, 2008 12:30 PM

About ten years ago, when I was still a cabbie, I picked up a rather distinguished, elderly couple from th Ritz Hotel. They were headin back to St. Louie and I was runnin em out to th airport. They said they made th trip a couple times a week to visit their daughter here. They said they reely got tired of th trip. Boring.

In th course of our conversation I told em of some train trips I took between Atlanta and LA. back in th late ‘50s and early ‘60s. I suggested that one time they might wanna take th Amtrak back and forth from St. Louie, jus fer a different change of pace. I told em how enjoyable th train could be. A relaxed atmosphere, wonderful views from th dome car, pleasant fellow travelers, some socializin in th club car, and so on and so forth.

Th lady said, in a very nice manner that they would keep that option in mind in th future. While I was rhapsodizin about th benefits and perks of train travel vs th bus or plane, I mentioned how, fer me, th ultimate train trip would be a run on The Orient Express. She clapped her hands and enthusiastically exclaimed,

"Oh my goodness, Yes! You simply must do that someday. Bill and I have made that trip several times and it was wonderful."

"No kiddin, wow! Thas fantastic. Tell me about it, please."

And so they proceeded to tell me about, not only th Orient Express, but th train trip they took all th way across Australia, about th trip thru th Andes, about th Bullet train in Tokyo, about th Mag-lev train in France, about th trip thru Kenya, and th 5,000 miles trip thru China, and numerous other train trips they had taken in their lives throughout th world.

Hmmm, I thought, as one train travelogue segued into another, these peoples seem to be already familiar with train travel. And so I said,

"I see! Then, in other words, you are tryin to tell me you're not getting too excited bout takin th Amtrak between here and St. Louie?"

They both broke out in spontaneous laughter, which, after all my descriptions of th great perks of th trip and th baloney sandwiches they served, caused me to guffaw a bit myself. I Did feel jus a wee bit foolish, y'know what I mean!? Cuz, like, here's th cab driver waxin enthusiastically to th world travelers about th joys of th train trip to St. Louie on th Amtrak. Ha ha

"OK", I said, "Lemme see if I got this straight? You're tryin to tell me th Amtrak is not high on yer list of trains to experience?"

Once again we all chuckled and Bill said,

"Well, I'm sure it's a very nice trip, but the missus and I already feel like we've had our share of trains. We just prefer the convenience of air travel now."

I said,

"Well OK, I can see yer point, BUT, I still wanna point out...and I'm sure th fare on th Orient Express was quite acceptable, OK, but th baloney sandwiches on Amtrak are reely quite good! Y'know, if that might sway yer decision a bit?"

They thanked me fer th tip, and said they would remember it, and I laughed and told em they now would have an amusing cab driver story to relate over dinner with their friends. Ha ha So, we had a very pleasant trip out to th airport, and they asked fer my card so they might call me again sometime.

We parted ways at th airport, and I reminded em of th baloney sandwiches they were gonna miss, and we all had a chuclkle over that.

th cap'm

P.S. Those nice folks actually did call me several times, no doubt wantin some more travel tips from me, H aha but I learned a good lesson from this whole event altho, from my ravings, it may not always be so obvious, that is; oft times in our efforts to enlighten those around us, we actually do no more than expose our own ignorance. Ha ha Guilty as charged!!

Subject: Th Cap'm Vents
Date: Wednesday, March 5, 2008 6:56 PM

Ok ya'll, I got somthin I wanna get off my chest. I've been wantin to say this fer some time, but I've been holdin back. I hope you ladies will excuse me, but, here goes,

"FUCK YOU MOTHER NATURE YOU FUCKIN BITCH!"

Thas right! I've had enuff of yer shit fer one winter. How long is this gonna go on? Jus what th fuck ya tryin to prove anyway? Well, I got a little surprise fer you! Tomorrow, I'm gonna go buy a quart of 5/20 weight oil, and I'm gonna bring it home and open it and.......I'm gonna pour th whole fuckin thing right on my lawn. See how ya like it. Personally, I hope ya choke on it!!

I'm declarin a War on Nature. Already, earlier today, I threw a candy wrapper outta my car right on th street! And thas jus th beginnin. I'll give ya a week to straighten this mess out; after that, watch yer back!

the cap’m

Subject: Latest Election Results
Date: Wednesday, March 5, 2008 4:15 PM

I was hopin Obama would be able to definitely eliminate Clinton last nite, if for no other reason, than to stop the internecine squabbling going on between them. Every single barb and criticism they hurl at each other is going to come back right at the eventual nominee in the general election, but from McCain's mouth, and he will capitalize on them, for sure!

It's too bad really, because an Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama ticket (not so likely) would be really hard for McCain to overcome. Barack could deliver the black vote, the younger voters, and the independents, and Hillary could bring th women, Hispanics and older voters. McCain would definitely have his work cut out for him.

And how historic!!! For the first time in Amerikan history you would have a black man and a white woman running for President and Vice President, AND on the same ticket!! Think about it.

I think this fact alone, would make make the rest of the world look at us in a more favorable light, and realize that maybe we are not the war mongers that Bush/Cheney have presented us as.

We'll see how it all plays out. I jus hope the Dems don't self destruct in the process.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm takes on The SYSTEM: And Wins!!
Date: Monday, March 3, 2008 1:38 PM

On Dec. 05, 07, after conductin several business transactions in th Brookside area, when I returned to my motorised vehicle, I was shocked to find a citation on my windshield. Th Authorities had accused me of parkin more than 12 inches from th curb. I was appalled. I was indignant. I let our a loud series of epithets, culminatin with, "DANG IT!!" Peoples walkin near me gave me a wide berth, no doubt unsure whether violence was in th offing.

Today, Th Day of Reckoning arrived. I steeled myself for th battle. A few tokes, and I was ready. My plan was to go on th offensive right from th get-go. Attack, Attack, Attack! I had brought with me a standard size 12" ruler, and was prepared to question th accuracy and reliability of th instrument used to justify th spurious charges against me. I was ready to go in Perry Mason mode.

"So, Officer, let us make it clear, please explain to th Court, if you would, just how you were able to ascertain my vehicle was more than 12 inches from th curb. Would you please demonstrate to th Court your procedures?"

Here, my plan was for th City's attorney to be momentarily confused at this ploy, and before she could object, I was going to whip out my ruler with a flourish, and say,

"Officer, have you ever seen one of these before?"

and brandish it fer all to see, At this point I was expectin a collective GASP from th crowd, which I would let hang in th air for a dramatic pause, before continuin,

"I ask you once again Officer, are you familiar with this device?"

I knew th Officer would be flustered and not perpared fer this kinda blisterin cross exam over a parking ticket. And after several more hard hittin, probin questions about "Procedure", I expected th City's case to crumble and self destruct.

As it turned out tho, th Officer wasn't present. Th City Attorney requested a continuance. Before th Judge could respond, I pointed out,

"with all due respect, your Honor"

(I watch TeeVee) that I had gone to some trouble to be there to clear my name, and felt th case should be dismissed, pointin out that it wasn't my fault th City couldn't better co-ordinate their officers court appearances. Th Judge, sensin defeat, sensin he was facing an adversary he might not wanna fuck with, He he agreed with me pronouncin me NOT GUILTY. Th courtroom erupted in spontaneous cheers and huzzahs, showerin me with pats on th back, and handshakes and high fives as I bopped on outta th Courtroom with fist high in a power salute. I heard more than one "Right On Bro!" and "Power To Th People!" in my wake.

Well, anyway, I'm not content to stand on my laurels. I'm considerin a law suit against th city for expenses I was forced to incur to defend myself. Like, fr'instance, I put $1.50 in th parking meter and yet only used 50 cents worth of it.

Sheeit. Some one, no doubt prolly an illegal alien, is usin up my time and paid nada fer it. Then there's my hour of valuable time at 6.15 @ hour. Then there's th fuel cost. Throw in another 4 bucks. I figger they owe me about $11.00 roughly.

Well, in any case, today I struck a blow fer Freedom! And against Oppression. Not jus fer Me, but fer all th little pipples cited fer parking more than 12 inches from th curb. Today, they had a voice too. Today, at least, Goliath hit th dirt! Today, THE MAN took one on th chin!

With th forty bucks I saved, there's gonna be a blowout in th city tonite in celebration. Fer sure. Drinks are on me.

th cap'm

P.S. In recalling this all, it's possible, in my pre-trial prep, I might have gone one toke over th line, thus accountin fer some of th hyperbole. Whatever!

Subject: Cursed Cell Phones! A Pox On Em!
Date: Saturday, March 1, 2008 6:48 PM

Yesterday, I pulled in to a station to gas up th ride. No empty spaces available. Six cars getting gas. six peoples sittin their cars. Six peoples jawin on their phones. Three of em already full. No gas pumpin, but these three assholes jus sittin there babblin away. Who sez road-rage can't be justified? I wish I'd had my pea shooter with me. I pulled up behind one of em and asked as politely as I could,

"YOU DUMB SHIT! WHYN'T YA GET OUTTA TH WAY YA FUCKIN ASSHOLE?"

He flipped me th finger. Typical! Jus another example of th rudeness of th cell phone user. He took his sweet-ass time pullin out too, while I honked my horn occasionally. Th muthafucker!

Damn th peoples drivin while jabberin away on their call phones. Ya know what, peoples could take a lesson from th Original Amerkans. (hereafter known as Indians) They didn't do that kinda shit. Like, ya ever see an Indian dude, like a Commanche or Apache, or Sioux, gallopin along with a bowl of burning charcoal in his lap, rappin with his amigo on yonder hill top? Nah, I dun't think so. Savage/hostiles tho they were, they understood th inherent dangers in trying to communicate while ridin. A guy could drive his horse right into a canyon id he wasn't payin attention. They would pull their horsie over to th shoulder, get outta traffic, dismount, get a good fire smokin and then send th message, eh!

Heck, ya remember that dude Crazy Horse? Well, he didn't need no steenking cell phone to wipe out Custer and his posse at th rumble at th Little Big Horn, did he? Sheeit no!

Why don't th anti-smoking whackos take up this issue next in their ongoin, non-ending quest fer public safety? Sheeit. They would prolly tell ya they got a right to rap and drive even while they're plowin into yer ass end, cus they got distracted!!

I think it oughta be against th law to drive and talk on yer cell phone at th same time, and offenders should be required to wear their cell phones up their keester fer a couple weeks. Or else, they oughta jus be neutered to protect th gene pool.

But, thas jus me.

th cap'm

Subject: Another Job Wrenched Out Of Th Hands Of A Derservin Amerikan
Date: Friday, February 29, 2008 3:58 PM

There is a two-story brick apartment building right next door to my house. There's a crew of about ten Mexican guys been working there. There is a kinda mantle of shake-shingles around th top of th building they're replacing.

I happened to look out my window and these guys were hangin over th side of th building, usin a nail gun to attach th shingles. As I watched em leanin, it looked like a lean too far, could have disastrous results. I was curious how they were gonna get to those last few rows they couldn't reach.

A short time later I found out. They had one guy holdin each leg while one of em hung up-side down over th side of th building, power nailin th shingles in place, while a third guy feed im th shingles as needed.

Heck I'm sure there's plenty home grown Amerikans be willin to do that fer minimum wage. But these guys get th job. It's not right. They come sneakin up here takin all th good jobs, while our guyz gotta hang round th welfare office fer an hour sometimes, justa to get some jack to buy a couple rocks.

Course, if one of our own hombres had been assigned that job, they're woulda put in a call to OSHA and shut that job site down in a New Yawk minute, but still........knowhutahmsayin.

th cap'm

P.S. Where's Lou Dobbs when we need im?

Subject: Who Is Hillary Clinton?
Date: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 1:19 PM

Is she bi-polar or what? Talk about mood swings!! Wow. One nite she's a nice lady whose running for President...and th next day she becomes a shrill harridan. I was surprised she wasn't stirring a cauldron of boiling oil. The night before she talked about how HONORED she was just to be there with Barack, and the next day she is scolding him in a harsh strident tone about his tactics.

"SHAME on you Barack Obama!! SHAME on you!!!"

like he is an errant schoolboy who has just shit in his pants. Then, with heavy sarcasm dripping from every word, she makes fun of his message of Hope and Unity, in an over-the-top bit of theatrics, that frankly, made me wince in embarrassment for her desperation.

She saw nothing wrong tho with her peoples putting out the pic of Barack in Muslim clothes. Yeah right Hillary, play the Fear card. Pull out all the stops. Who says you have to go out with a shred of Dignity!? Turn into the Wicked Witch of the North. Call out the flying monkeys! (thanks CVG) Stoop as low as you must, do what ever it takes, cuz, dammit, you want to be President of the USA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

She criticizes Obama's lack of experience in foreign policy. What exactly are her credentials in this area? Did being the wife of a philandering husband, whose main accomplishment will be remembered as being the guy who used the power of his office to take advantage of young gullible 20 year old interns? (If Power is sexy, then who would be sexier than the President of the United States of Amerika?) This is the guy who probably spent as much time trying to get laid, as he did running the country, and committed Perjury when confronted with the facts. Are those her credentials? Since Hillary seems to think she should get co-credit for Bill's actions as President, shouldn't she then be accountable for his gaffes too? Is this an example of the brand of good judgement she would bring to the office?

If I were Obama, the next time Bill Clinton got on my case, I would ask him if he thought he might persuade Monica Lewinsky to endorse his wife? Y'know, just for old times sake. He he. Maybe they could get together over lunch sometime?

If I were Obama, I would ask Hillary; if she were elected, would Bill still have access to the interns?

If I were Obama, I would ask Hillary; if the actions of her husband in that whole sordid affair are the kind of qualities one should expect from the Commander In Chief? Would she be up to those standards?

If I were Obama, I would ask Hillary; if she couldn't generate any more loyalty than what her own husband displayed towards her, how then could she generate any loyalty from her staff?

Oh, there are lots of things I would ask Hillary and Bill about their first time as President, but Obama won't! He has more class than I do, obviously. I suppose that's another reason why he's running for President, and I'm just th cap'm, blabbering and blathering, eh.

I suspect that the demeanor of tonight's debate will be much different than the last one, and I doubt we'll be hearing Hillary talk about how Honored she is to be there with him. If you have children, I suggest they leave the room.

WARNING! This debate may feature scenes of graphic violence and conduct unsuitable for children! Parental guidance is advised.

th cap'm

Subject: Hillary Campaign Debacle
Date: Monday, February 25, 2008 3:49 PM

When th present, on-going, seemingly never ending, presidential election began about, what, two years ago, (about the same time this winter started) I hadn't formed an opinion about Hillary yet. I didn't hate her, as many do, but I didn't love her as many do either. I was neutral. Waiting to see what the coming years of electioneering would bring. Like, who IS Hillary Clinton anyway?

After hearing her many messages, (they apparently change almost daily) and witnessing her campaign strategies, I now say, "Fuck Hillary!" She has revealed herself to me to be nothing but another hack politician, willing to do whatever is necessary to win via the usual, political rhetoric, mud slinging, staged emotions, and general skullduggery.

Besides all that, if she ran this country like she's run her campaign, we're all certainly better off without her. I thought John Kerry in '04 ran the worst political campaign I've ever seen, but Hillary has beat him hands down in this one. This was her election to win. Six months ago, it was for all practical purposes, in the bag. But because the peoples she chose to run her operation proved to be completely inept at running a presidential campaign; with all their bitter in-fighting and squabbling on how to proceed, her campaign was in disarray and rudderless from the beginning. They gave us a steadily changing and inconsistent picture of her and what her views were. Bad judgement on her part. That's her own fault. If you don't have the management and judgmental skills to hire peoples to represent your self, then how in the fuck are you going to run an entire country?

And her decision to have Bill play the role of her attack dog, was another bad choice. On the other hand, we don't really know which one of these peoples is the string puller, and which is the puppet? For all we know, Bill is the real candidate and Hillary is merely the surrogate! I don't really care anymore myself. I don't like either one of them! Why don't they just ride off in the sunset and shut the fuck up!?

th cap'm

P.S. I must say, I was pleasantly shocked and surprised at her closing remarks in the last debate. She was gracious and classy. I had to rethink Hillary for a bit. Maybe I had misjudged her? Maybe I was too harsh? Maybe I didn't look closely enough at the person behind the facade? Maybe there was more there than I had come to believe? All the pundits and talking heads gave her good marks for it too. And they were all as surprised as was I. This was a different Hillary. A likeable Hillary. But, as it turns out, just another one of the staged Hillarys, cuz that lasted all of two days before the sharpened claws and bared fangs came out again and the Real Hillary snarled back on stage.

Subject: Obama's Purported Lack Of Patriotism
Date: Sunday, February 24, 2008 4:02 PM

I am amazed that any one would question th patriotism of some one running for President of the U.S.? I am still flabbergasted at how the Dems back in 2004 allowed the Swift Boaters to question John Kerry's war record and his various citations, as tho he didn't deserve them, when their own guy, Geo. Bush was hiding out the war in the National Guard.....well, maybe he was....since it's not exactly clear whether he ever even fulfilled his obligations there or not?

Now, we have these same assholes using their same ol dirty tactics to question Obama cuz he doesn't wear a Am. flag pin on his lapel. Sheeit. As tho, the wearing, or not wearing, of a pin is an indication of your patriotism. What fuckin nonsense!

Do you recall, how right after 9/11, every other person on the road was flying an Amerkan flag on their cars? Many had a flag in each window. Not only flags, but bumper stickers and Amerkan flag decals, patriotic slogans plastered everywhere. Now, those were Real Patriots, eh! The more flags; the more patriotic they were! It was easy to distinguish real patriots, from your faux patriots, who might just have one single flag decal on their bumper. So, when was the last time you saw a car with a flag attached to the window? Much less one in every window. Did all those patriots of a few years ago suddenly become un-patriotic just cuz they no longer fly a bevy of flags? Prolly not, eh! They obviously decided that they didn't need to display flags all over their cars to prove their loyalty. Besides, it wasn't really fashionable any more.

I believe that's what Obama said in his defense. And I whole heartedly agree with him. Real patriotism is more than the display of symbols.

th cap'm

P.S.I've always felt you fight dirty play with even dirtier tactics. So, using this idea as a jusification, I think the Dems should ask John McCain to prove his Patriotism. I mean, just cuz he fought for his country and was captured and was a POW for an eternity, being tortured often, does that qualify him as a patriot? Hmmm, some might wonder; couldn't he have done more? Maybe they should, y'know, delve into his conduct as a POW. Maybe he could have socked one of his captors in the nose or kicked them in th shins or something? Did he ever make any anti-war tapes as a POW, and just cuz he was tortured into doing so, what does that say about his loyalty and commitment to the Cause? Just cuz some one may be yanking your fingernails out with a pair of pliers, does that make it Ok to tell fibs? It apparently didn't seem to bother the Repubs in '04 attacking a war hero, so why not give them a bit of their own poison? Actually tho, I would hope the Dems have more class than that.

Subject: THE BIRDS FLY SOUTH IN THE WINTER
Date: Saturday, February 23, 2008 3:52 PM

Or, so we're told. Cuz, like earlier today as I was locomotin down Brookside Blvd. I looked up and saw a googol of geese steadily flappin their way somewhere. OK, OK, I can hear th nitpickers now, and yeah, I admit, that "googol" was an exaggeration cuz as we all know, thas a reel big number. Like, y'know, a googol is th number 1, followed by 100 zeros. It has been estimated that th known universe contains approximately 1 to th 86th power Atoms. So, had there reely been a googol of honkers, ya wouldn't even be able to turn around without bumpin into one of th critters. So les jus say there was a large gaggle of gooses. Prolly fifty, mebbe sixty of em, wingin in their V formation. (it was a pretty sloppy formation too, I might add. formation discipline was definitely lax)

Now, I don't know jus what th hell th head gander was thinkin, and I assume it was a gander, cus even tho geeses aren't very bright, I don't think they'd follow a female, eh? H aha Jus kiddin gurls. That was jus a bit of levity, OK, I'm not reely an oinker. (Say it ain't so Joe)

But here's th thing, th endless winter goes on and on. It started around th beginning of th Paleolithic age, and here it is, late Feb. and no end in sight. And yet somehow this particular crew never got th word, "The birds fly south in the winter." What gives? By th time they get where they're goin, it'll be time to turn around and come back. So, what they been doin these past few months? I mean, what's a fowl to do?

Obviously this was a bunch of Procrastinator Geese. Been puttin off th trip til th very last minute. Prolly been hangin round, protestin, chantin slogans like,
"TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT-----WE DON'T WANT TA MIGRATE!"

Well, any way, on th whole, a pretty sloppy, disorganised, long-feathered crew bereft of Motivation and Leadership.

But, here's th kicker. Dig this!! Not only were they unfashionably late, BUT th fookers were flyin dead EAST!! Not SOUTH!! Like they were goin to St. Louie or somthin. What's with that? Mebbe some one shoulda tied a compass to th lead honkers neck. Jus another example of a lack of leadership. Those guys need a Change. Some one who can show them which way to go. Hell, by now, they might be headin to N. Dakota fer all I know!

OK, so, if ya should hear these guys overhead, and they're a noisy bunch too, tell em they're goin th wrong fuckin way!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know what, I'll bet these guys been lyin around and smoking reefer all this time. That might help explain their irrational behavior, huh.

Subject: Where Do Th Candidates Stand On This Vitally Important Issue?
Date: Friday, February 22, 2008 3:02 PM

Recently in th op-ed section of th Star, they ran part of an editorial from th Seattle Times concernin th fookin penny, which as ya may recall, is an issue I have addressed several times over th past ten years.

They noted th obvious stupidity of makin pennies that cost 1.67 cents to manufacture. Doesn't make much sense does it? Naw, I don't think so either. I got no use fer them steeenking pennies. Remember this? Some thoughts I had on th subject.

***********************
Tue, Aug 3, 2004, 5:09pm (CST+1)
Subject: "Pennies from heaven." Bullshit. Keep yer fuckin' pennies.

I hate pennies. Whut in the hell are we still doing foolin' around with them? They're virtually worthless! Ya' know whut ya' can buy fer a penny? Nada! Pennies; whut are they good for? Absolutely Nothin'! Hell, sheeit, ya' can't even buy anythin' fer a nickel these days! So, why don't we just round off purchases to the nearest nickel?

Every now and then I see someone drop a penny and wait fer it to stop rollin', and walk over and pick it up. Why, I ask? I mean, it's a FUCKIN' PENNY! fer chrissake! Get real!

If ya' had a job picking up pennies one at a time, and ya' got paid by the amount of pennies ya' picked up; if ya' stooped over 4,120 times in eight hours ya' woulda' just made yerself minimum wage. Ya' woulda' made yerself forty one dollars and twenty cents.

I dunno, maybe those peoples are still influenced by the old adage,

"A penny saved, is a penny earned",

ya' remember that one, don'cha? What a crock! I never take pennies in change. I mean, why have them cluttering up yer pockets? Peoples say,

"Well, ya' can use them to make change with."

Once again, Big Deal. So ya've saved yerself 2 cents on a twenty-nine dollar and ninety eight cent purchase by taking your two cents change. Now, ya' got two cents towards yer next purchase. WHOOPEE,

"Well, take 'em home and put them in a jar and save them til you get enuff to take to the bank."

Right!! Didja' read in the papers a few days ago about an old geezer in cal. who had been doing JUST THAT for FIFTY YEARS!! When he finally went to the bank with his FIFTY YEARS accumulation of pennies in a CRATE, a crate, no less! He had saved 264.00 dollars. This is fer FIFTY YEARS OF EFFORT! Which works out at about 43 cents a month. Whew!

Imagine if you save yer pennies 365 days of the year, dropping them into a jar, at the end of the year, after spending thirty minutes to count and wrap them up, and take 'em to the bank, ya' can go to Mcdonald's and treat yerself to a quarter-pounder and some fries, jus on the pennies you've saved up in the preceding year. Whut a deal!! Course, if ya' want a drink too, yer gonna have to dig into yer pockets for that.

the cap't.

Subject: John McCain vs New York Times
Date: Friday, February 22, 2008 2:35 PM

I have always felt th NY Times to be one of the better and more responsible papers in the country, but I'm confused and dismayed by this whole story and the Times involvement in it.

Like, why did the Times endorse McCain and then a short time later, run a defamatory, derogatory story about him that they were sitting on when they endorsed him in the first place? This does not strike me as proper journalistic etiquette. Is there really a nefarious, sinister plot here as their detractors allege? Is the New York Times engaging in political dirty tricks here?

If not, why then endorse a candidate, when you have potentially damaging information about his character? From an ethical point of view, wouldn't they have been better served by withholding their endorsement until they had all the facts to their satisfaction?

Or, on the other hand, did they purposely endorse a candidate that they felt had engaged in unethical conduct, only to expose him later to maximum effect?

I wonder, do they still stand by their endorsement, in spite of his alleged favoritism of his alleged girlfriend lobbyist and her company?

Or, has their own story convinced them it was a mistake? Who will they endorse now that they have discovered he is a cad, and not to be trusted? This whole thing reeks to me of the kind of chicanery we have come to expect from the Repubs!

This fails the smell test for me. You know, if it stinks; something is rotten!

confused in KC,

th cap'm

Subject: Who Would YOU Choose?
Date: Thursday, February 21, 2008 1:17 PM

OK, ya'll, if ya wondered what that power outtage was all about last nite; I was thinkin again. Here's what I was thinkin.

How about doin a full length animated movie starrin......ALFRED E. NEWMAN? Yes, I know, I know..... Brilliant!!!!

But th conundrum is....who will we get to do th voice of Alfred? One said, Mike Myers, another Mike Tyson I kinda liked that one haha can you not hear that goofy Tyson voice as Alfred? Shannon Sharpe, altho I didn't seriously consider him, Dustin Hoffman, Pee Wee Herman, and a half dozen others, which I can't recall right now. Damn short term memory loss! I wonder what thas all about?

But anyway, I thought who ever does Bart Simpson's nerdy buddy (can't remember his name. Curses!) might work? Aw'right, so here's what ya do...take a pic of Alfred E. Newman....and study it intensely, try and imagine what he should sound like, try and immerse yerself in Alfred's Being. See, what it feels like. How will he project himself? Is he a nerdy Einsteinian type? Just too fookin smart for those around him to deal with? Or.....on th other hand, is he more of a Forest Gump kinda guy? Becuz of that large gap in his front teeth, I'm thinkin he oughta have a kinda high, whistly, lisp. Whadda'ya think? By th way, do ya see any resemblance between him and Howdy Doody? Could they be brothers in our story?

OK, send yer suggestions to me and th winner gets a free copy of Mad Comics # 1. OR, if I'm unable to locate that, (plus not havin th mucho dinero that would involve) yer choice of th Meatloaf or Chicken Sunday Special at "the Brick".

Send yer input to, "The Voice of Alfred E. Newman" c/o Capt. Duderino.

th cap'm

P.S. "What, me worry?"

Subject: CORRECTION! Oh Curses!
Date: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 5:46 PM

Th ever vigilant, Mike th G, pointed out that Mike's address should be 5424 Troost, not 5525 as I put it. Thas FIFTY-FOUR TWENTY FOUR.

Well, in my defense, I've only been goin in th joint fer 43 years, so...whadda'ya expect?

th addled cap'm

Subject: Th Art Of Th Barter
Date: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 2:09 PM

About ten years ago, at an auction, I bought a green neon sign that had been in th saloon fer many years. It said, "Mike's Tavern". It's been here at my crib all that time.

I decided to finally sell it. What better place than it's original home, eh? I negotiated a trade with th new owners. Th negotiations consisted of my proposal of th sign, in exchange fer a certain numbers of beers fer me; they promptly accepted without hesitation. Deal done!!

A great way to do business. No hassles, no money exchanged, a handshake. Thas it. They receive a real nice neon sign, I get to drink fer some time free.

Everybody satisfied with th arrangement.

Last nite, I received my first beers. Tonite th sign becomes operational.
Salut.

th cap'm

P.S. Stop in and take a look at it sometime. Mike's Tavern, 5524 Troost. Good music, good foods, friendly crowds. (with th occasional loon Ha ha)