THE BIRDS FLY SOUTH IN THE WINTER
Saturday, February 23, 2008 3:52 PM
Or, so we're told. Cuz, like earlier today as I was
locomotin down Brookside Blvd. I looked up and saw a googol of geese
steadily flappin their way somewhere. OK, OK, I can hear th nitpickers
now, and yeah, I admit, that "googol" was an exaggeration
cuz as we all know, thas a reel big number. Like, y'know, a googol
is th number 1, followed by 100 zeros. It has been estimated that
th known universe contains approximately 1 to th 86th power Atoms.
So, had there reely been a googol of honkers, ya wouldn't even be
able to turn around without bumpin into one of th critters. So les
jus say there was a large gaggle of gooses. Prolly fifty, mebbe sixty
of em, wingin in their V formation. (it was a pretty sloppy formation
too, I might add. formation discipline was definitely lax)
Now, I don't know jus what th hell th head gander was thinkin, and
I assume it was a gander, cus even tho geeses aren't very bright,
I don't think they'd follow a female, eh? H aha Jus kiddin gurls.
That was jus a bit of levity, OK, I'm not reely an oinker. (Say it
ain't so Joe)
But here's th thing, th endless winter goes on and on. It started
around th beginning of th Paleolithic age, and here it is, late Feb.
and no end in sight. And yet somehow this particular crew never got
th word, "The birds fly south in the winter." What gives?
By th time they get where they're goin, it'll be time to turn around
and come back. So, what they been doin these past few months? I mean,
what's a fowl to do?
Obviously this was a bunch of Procrastinator Geese. Been puttin off
th trip til th very last minute. Prolly been hangin round, protestin,
chantin slogans like,
"TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT-----WE DON'T WANT TA MIGRATE!"
Well, any way, on th whole, a pretty sloppy, disorganised, long-feathered
crew bereft of Motivation and Leadership.
But, here's th kicker. Dig this!! Not only were they unfashionably
late, BUT th fookers were flyin dead EAST!! Not SOUTH!! Like they
were goin to St. Louie or somthin. What's with that? Mebbe some one
shoulda tied a compass to th lead honkers neck. Jus another example
of a lack of leadership. Those guys need a Change. Some one who can
show them which way to go. Hell, by now, they might be headin to N.
Dakota fer all I know!
OK, so, if ya should hear these guys overhead, and they're a noisy
bunch too, tell em they're goin th wrong fuckin way!
P.S. Ya know what, I'll bet these guys been lyin around and smoking
reefer all this time. That might help explain their irrational behavior,
Where Do Th Candidates Stand On This Vitally Important Issue?
Friday, February 22, 2008 3:02 PM
Recently in th op-ed section of th Star,
they ran part of an editorial from th Seattle Times concernin
th fookin penny, which as ya may recall, is an issue I have addressed
several times over th past ten years.
They noted th obvious stupidity of makin pennies that cost 1.67 cents
to manufacture. Doesn't make much sense does it? Naw, I don't think
so either. I got no use fer them steeenking pennies. Remember this?
Some thoughts I had on th subject.
Tue, Aug 3, 2004, 5:09pm (CST+1)
Subject: "Pennies from heaven." Bullshit. Keep yer fuckin'
I hate pennies. Whut in the hell are we still doing foolin' around
with them? They're virtually worthless! Ya' know whut ya' can buy
fer a penny? Nada! Pennies; whut are they good for? Absolutely Nothin'!
Hell, sheeit, ya' can't even buy anythin' fer a nickel these days!
So, why don't we just round off purchases to the nearest nickel?
Every now and then I see someone drop a penny and wait fer it to stop
rollin', and walk over and pick it up. Why, I ask? I mean, it's a
FUCKIN' PENNY! fer chrissake! Get real!
If ya' had a job picking up pennies one at a time, and ya' got paid
by the amount of pennies ya' picked up; if ya' stooped over 4,120
times in eight hours ya' woulda' just made yerself minimum wage. Ya'
woulda' made yerself forty one dollars and twenty cents.
I dunno, maybe those peoples are still influenced by the old adage,
"A penny saved, is a penny earned",
ya' remember that one, don'cha? What a crock! I never take pennies
in change. I mean, why have them cluttering up yer pockets? Peoples
"Well, ya' can use them to make change with."
Once again, Big Deal. So ya've saved yerself 2 cents on a twenty-nine
dollar and ninety eight cent purchase by taking your two cents change.
Now, ya' got two cents towards yer next purchase. WHOOPEE,
"Well, take 'em home and put them in a jar and save them til
you get enuff to take to the bank."
Right!! Didja' read in the papers a few days ago about an old geezer
in cal. who had been doing JUST THAT for FIFTY YEARS!! When he finally
went to the bank with his FIFTY YEARS accumulation of pennies in a
CRATE, a crate, no less! He had saved 264.00 dollars. This is fer
FIFTY YEARS OF EFFORT! Which works out at about 43 cents a month.
Imagine if you save yer pennies 365 days of the year, dropping them
into a jar, at the end of the year, after spending thirty minutes
to count and wrap them up, and take 'em to the bank, ya' can go to
Mcdonald's and treat yerself to a quarter-pounder and some fries,
jus on the pennies you've saved up in the preceding year. Whut a deal!!
Course, if ya' want a drink too, yer gonna have to dig into yer pockets
John McCain vs New York Times
Friday, February 22, 2008 2:35 PM
I have always felt th NY Times to be one
of the better and more responsible papers in the country, but I'm
confused and dismayed by this whole story and the Times involvement
Like, why did the Times endorse McCain and then a short time
later, run a defamatory, derogatory story about him that they were
sitting on when they endorsed him in the first place? This does not
strike me as proper journalistic etiquette. Is there really a nefarious,
sinister plot here as their detractors allege? Is the New York
Times engaging in political dirty tricks here?
If not, why then endorse a candidate, when you have potentially damaging
information about his character? From an ethical point of view, wouldn't
they have been better served by withholding their endorsement until
they had all the facts to their satisfaction?
Or, on the other hand, did they purposely endorse a candidate that
they felt had engaged in unethical conduct, only to expose him later
to maximum effect?
I wonder, do they still stand by their endorsement, in spite of his
alleged favoritism of his alleged girlfriend lobbyist and her company?
Or, has their own story convinced them it was a mistake? Who will
they endorse now that they have discovered he is a cad, and not to
be trusted? This whole thing reeks to me of the kind of chicanery
we have come to expect from the Repubs!
This fails the smell test for me. You know, if it stinks; something
confused in KC,
Who Would YOU Choose?
Thursday, February 21, 2008 1:17 PM
OK, ya'll, if ya wondered what that power outtage
was all about last nite; I was thinkin again. Here's what I was thinkin.
How about doin a full length animated movie starrin......ALFRED E.
NEWMAN? Yes, I know, I know..... Brilliant!!!!
But th conundrum is....who will we get to do th voice of Alfred? One
said, Mike Myers, another Mike Tyson I kinda liked that one haha can
you not hear that goofy Tyson voice as Alfred? Shannon Sharpe, altho
I didn't seriously consider him, Dustin Hoffman, Pee Wee Herman, and
a half dozen others, which I can't recall right now. Damn short term
memory loss! I wonder what thas all about?
But anyway, I thought who ever does Bart Simpson's nerdy buddy (can't
remember his name. Curses!) might work? Aw'right, so here's what ya
do...take a pic of Alfred E. Newman....and study it intensely, try
and imagine what he should sound like, try and immerse yerself in
Alfred's Being. See, what it feels like. How will he project himself?
Is he a nerdy Einsteinian type? Just too fookin smart for those around
him to deal with? Or.....on th other hand, is he more of a Forest
Gump kinda guy? Becuz of that large gap in his front teeth, I'm thinkin
he oughta have a kinda high, whistly, lisp. Whadda'ya think? By th
way, do ya see any resemblance between him and Howdy Doody? Could
they be brothers in our story?
OK, send yer suggestions to me and th winner gets a free copy of Mad
Comics # 1. OR, if I'm unable to locate that, (plus not havin th mucho
dinero that would involve) yer choice of th Meatloaf or Chicken Sunday
Special at "the Brick".
Send yer input to, "The Voice of Alfred E. Newman" c/o Capt.
P.S. "What, me worry?"
CORRECTION! Oh Curses!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008 5:46 PM
Th ever vigilant, Mike th G, pointed out that Mike's
address should be 5424 Troost, not 5525 as I put it. Thas FIFTY-FOUR
Well, in my defense, I've only been goin in th joint fer 43 years,
th addled cap'm
Th Art Of Th Barter
Wednesday, February 20, 2008 2:09 PM
About ten years ago, at an auction, I bought a green
neon sign that had been in th saloon fer many years. It said, "Mike's
Tavern". It's been here at my crib all that time.
I decided to finally sell it. What better place than it's original
home, eh? I negotiated a trade with th new owners. Th negotiations
consisted of my proposal of th sign, in exchange fer a certain numbers
of beers fer me; they promptly accepted without hesitation. Deal done!!
A great way to do business. No hassles, no money exchanged, a handshake.
Thas it. They receive a real nice neon sign, I get to drink fer some
Everybody satisfied with th arrangement.
Last nite, I received my first beers. Tonite th sign becomes operational.
P.S. Stop in and take a look at it sometime. Mike's Tavern, 5524 Troost.
Good music, good foods, friendly crowds. (with th occasional loon
To Chicken Or To Meatloaf? That Is Th Question
Sunday, February 17, 2008 11:21 PM
Do ya'll like fried chicken boyz and gurlz? How bout
meatloaf? If ya like either one of em, I got a suggestion fer ya.
Th next Sunday yer bored and lookin fer somthin to do, I suggest ya
go down to "the Brick" in th 1700 block of McGee, right
directly across th street from th Kansas City Star, our home
Here's why: on Sundays they have a special. 7.95. Take yer choice
of th chicken or th meatloaf. With yer selection, ya get a nice, tasty
glob of mash-ed potatoes, delicious mac n cheese, wonderful green
beans, and fer dessert, a bowl of sumptuous peach cobbler.
Up until today, I have always gone with th fried chicken. It is outstanding.
Believe me, ya won't be disappointed. But, some of my contacts on
th street hipped me to th meatloaf and suggested I give it a shot.
So, I did!!
Oh man! They weren't jivin one bit. Looky here, all I can tell ya
was, that it was maybe..... maybe jus th best meatloaf I've ever eaten
in my life. Aw'right. Ok, lemme jus say once again; ya won't be disappointed!!
And if yer not that hungry, th chili is Capitol also!! Aw'right then,
next Sunday: do eeet!!
And if yer not 100% satisfied, tell em th cap'm sent ya and they'll
refund yer money.
P.S. Um...on that guarantee thing..... well, ya never can tell, y'know,
cuz, like, even tho they don't know me, they might? Besides, I'm confident
you'll like it.
On And On, Seemingly Without End
Sunday, February 17, 2008 8:07 PM
Last nite, I exceeded my quota fer Crazies. It was
my dubious pleasure to make th acquaintance of four of em. Why am
I so lucky and blessed? Damned if I know. They jus seem to gravitate
to me like moths to a flame. If there is a loony-tune in th joint,
eventually they will wind up sittin next to me. Why me Zeus? Huh?
I purposely sit in a dark corner, as far from th music as possible.
I sit there in an effort at anonymity. I hope that my black fedora,
with my black sweater and my black navy pea jacket will help me to
blend in with th darkness, so as not to be noticed. Besides, it suits
my dark nature.
Sittin at th bar was a squirrelly little dude, all tattooed up from
his fingertips to his neck, who kept turnin around and lookin at me.
I knew it was only a matter of time. Within a half hour he picked
up his beer and came over to my table and introduced hisself. His
name was Arthur, and he had beady, intense little eyes with th flicker
of Madness behind em. He said,
"My name is Arthur and you look like a philosophical kinda of
person to me."
"Nope, sorry Arthur, not me by a long shot. I'm far from it.
Not a philosophical kinda person at all."
"Then, what kind of person are you?" he said, as his eyes
bored into me.
Oh fuck! He wants me to analyze myself. And what's with those eyes,
fr'chrissake? I said,
"Hey, ya know what Arthur, I came here tonite to sit here and
dig some music and to quietly drink my beers. My plan fer th evenin
was to keep it as simple as possible, ya know what I mean. Like, no
conversations about politics, religion, th meaning of our Existence,
y'know, that sorta thing. In other words, nothin involvin any kinda
heavy thinkin. I'm jus lookin fer a little peaceful oblivion tonite.
So he sez,
"You mean you don't want to talk with me? You'd rather sit by
yourself?! Is that what you're saying?"
"Well yeah, y'know...um..ya can certainly find a better conversationalist
in here than me. Nothin personal, y'unnerstan."
So Arthur went back to th bar. Whew! That was close. But then I spied
a dude strollin around wearin a woolen cap, y'know, like navy guys
wear. He kept glancin at me every time he passed my table, and I could
see th writin on th wall. Sure enuff, one time he landed. This guy
in his mid-40's, with only a couple teeth left, been down a long,
hard road obviously. Said,
"My name is Buddy, ya' mind if I sit here?"
Th place was startin to bounce, y'know, so I couldn't monopolize th
whole table, so I said,
"Help yerself dude."
Not surprisingly, Buddy tole me he'd jus been released from th Crossroads,
about three weeks ago. Tryin to readjust, y'know. I'm not at all sure
what Buddy told me th next 30 minutes, cus with th noise from th band,
and th fact Buddy had a hard time stringin his words together to make
coherent sentences, I didn't reely have a clue. Finally, Buddy said
somthin bout needin to get back to th half-way house, and he left.
Whew, once again.
A few minutes later this very drunken young girl, Angie, on her way
to th bathroom, sat down at my table and told me she was hidin from
her boyfriend cus she needed a cigarette. She quit 3 months ago and
was jonesin reel bad. So, she lit up and proceeded to tell me about
her Life, and all th trouble her b/f gave her every time she tried
to have a smoke. She asked me if he caught her, would I tell him that
I gave th cigarette to her. Yeah right! Thas jus what I needed. I
"Fuck no! Are you kiddin me!! Don't be gettin me in th middle
of yer squabbles. As a matter of fact, get th fuck away from my table.
I'm savin that seat fer a friend of mine."
She made a face and said,
"Yeah sweetie, thas what I've been told!"
When she walked by me a few minutes later, she gave me a dirty look
and went back in th poolroom, and laid on her back right on one of
th tables right in th middle of a game and stuck her spreaded legs
up in th air and yelled YAHOOO! Ha ha. By th way, Angie was wearin
a dress. She got a lotta attention with that move. I thought it rather
strange her b/f hit her when she smoked, but didn't have any problem
with that little display. Oh well, Love is strange, eh!
After a few more minutes, I decided th place was gettin too goofy
fer me, so I left early fer my late nite joint and hopefully a reprieve
from th madness.
Not so! I had only been there a few minutes when I met "Vincent".
He sat next to me. Well, sheeit yeah, where else? Vincent was from
Newww Yawwk. He looked a lot like Christopher on th Sopranos, and
spoke with th most heavy New York accent ya could imagine. I mean,
it was so exaggerated, it was like a parody. Vincent hinted at some
mob ties and implied he was here in this god-forsaken, nowhere, Kansas
place to straighten some things out, before he could return to Nirvana.
I didn't even bother to tell him that he was in Missouri instead of
Kansas. Out-of-towners always make that mistake. By way of conversation,
I tole him he oughta check out Garrrozos fer some good Italiano cuisine.
He scoffed and said disgustedly that there was NO good Italian food
anywhere! Period! Except in Little Italy in New York. All th rest
was jus made by a bunch of wanna-bes who wouldn't know a good pasta
from Chinese noodles. I didn't bother to tell im that Italian food
reminded me of colorful vomit, with a taste to match. Figured he'd
have me whacked before I could get to my car. Ha ha
Normally, I hate to see an evening come to an end, but last nite I
actually welcomed last call. Was glad to get to th comfort and peace
of my crib fer a change. Monday, it starts all over. Sigh!
P.S. I'm omitting th hassle over th pool table with th fuckin "sports
enthusiast" as he called himself, moanin and groanin and whinin
with his buddy about a bad call from th ref durin th Villanova basketball
game. I kept havin to tell him, "Hey dude, it's yer fuckin shot
huh." I'm waitin to shoot th next game and he's flappin his gums
about a damn basketball game. I finally jus picked up my quarters
and left. I'm not even gonna bother with that story, cuz, like, I'm
storied out, know what I mean!
February 16, 2008 11:15 PM
Is this an omen? A portent of things to come? Is
a new wind blowin? Like, whut's happening?
Last nite, sittin there in th saloon, listenin to th Reggie band,
(sometimes known as reggae) doin my thing, drinkin, that is, there
were four very attractive gurls sittin in a booth across from me.
At some point a middle aged couple came in, boogie-in to th beat.
They were into th Reggie. She, a tall, blond good lookin woman, very
nice body, but obviously in her late 40's. He, jus a non-descript
She proceeded to do a bump n' grind in front of th gurls. They loved
it. They went wild. They told her she was so hottt.
"Oh Miiiii Gawd, yer sooooo hottt!!"
they all squealed. She placed one leather booted foot up on th table
while pelvically thrustin herself in their direction, and th gurl
nearest her began to lick her boots!! Soon, one of th other gurls
put her calf-high boots up and they all started lickin her boots!!
In no time, they were all lickin each others boots and exclaimin,
"Ooooh yer soo hott!" to each other. Evidently, this was
a boot wearin kinda nitecuz everybody was leather booted up.
Damn! It was distractin! How can one properly watch th Reggie band
in th midst of so much distractions? And altho, I have nothin personal
against boot-lickers of that variety, I suspect all those gurls were
ditchin Hygiene 101 th day they covered, "Licking Another's Boots".
Surely there must be some Hygiene issues here, huh? I mean, rilly,
how does one know where those boots have been? Can cooties live on
leather boots? Well, as I said, I'm sure there are issues.
In th midst of all th festivities, her husband sidled over to me and
"Th ol lady likes to have her fun when she gets a bit juiced!
Whadda'ya gonna do?! He he"
I replied, in ol hippie fashion,
"Go with th flow, I guess, huh?"
"Yeah, but I don't really mind tho. I enjoy it myself. snicker
"Well thas good. I'm happy fer ya'll!"
And so he went back to th table and they were all exchangin phone
numbers, and after some more boot lickin, th swingin couple left fer
new boot-lickin horizons I spose.
Who sez we all can't jus get along? But still.......whas happening
to my tavern?
P.S. Now, I'm wonderin if this is what they were referrin to in that
country song a few years ago,
"Boot Scootin Boogie"?
Gettin Back In Th Saddle
February 16, 2008 11:10 PM
I was shootin some pool last nite, tryin to get my
stride back. I haven't been playin much th last year, so I'm not at
my fightin weight yet, but I'm workin on it.
There's a whole new crowd of peoples back there in th pool room, who've
never seen me shoot, but even tho haven't been shootin and my game's
not what it oughta be, I still know which end of th cue to chalk.
So, I'd been playin a few games and shootin jus good enuff to win,
and this loud-mouthed young asshole challenged th game and wanted
to play fer a beer. I told im I jus wanted to play a friendly game
and shoot fer th hell of it. He said,
"Whats'a matter pop? It's only fer a beer. Afraid of losin a
"Nah, not reely, but I'd rather not play fer th beer. Let's jus
keep it simple, eh.
And I ain't yer pop either, Kid!"
"So, ya think yer pretty good, but yer afraid to play fer money
Smart-assed mutherfucker. So I said, real innocent like,
"Ooooh, ya wanta shoot fer some money huh? Oh, well thas different.
Yeah, sure, I'll do that. Sheeit, I thought ya were askin to play
fer a crummy drink!"
And I pulled some hundred dollar bills outta my back pocket and slapped
one down on th table.
"Aw'right dude, ya talked me into it, I'll shoot ya fer th hundred."
I caught im off guard and he was taken aback. Recoverin, he sez,
"What? ya mean ya wanta play fer a hundred dollars?"
"Well fuck yeah, didn't ya say ya wanted to shoot fer some money?
There it is.
Fuck a bunch of crummy beers! So, put up yer hundred and rack em!"
He spluttered and said,
"Well yeah, but I didn't mean that much."
"Yeah, I know what'cha meant. Ya jus wanted to play fer some
pocket change, huh? What'sa matter? Ya afraid of losin? I'll play
ya fer th hundred or fer nothing? Make up yer mind. One or th other.
It's yer choice."
He decided not to bet. Luckily fer his dumb-ass self. He lost six
games in a row. Never had a chance. Ya might say, I ripped im a new
one! Haha Some games are more satisfyin to win than others and it's
eminently more satisfyin to beat some fools than others. I enjoyed
myself mightily. Before he left he was callin me Mister. Ha ha
Keepin Up To Date In Kansas City
Friday, February 15, 2008 5:50 PM
Jus in case ya'll don't know it, this is a special
February. Mebbe ya've been on vacation, or off planet, or jus outta
touch. Or, mebbe yer jus kinda "slow". No matter. Anyways,
March 1st will be comin a day late this year. Thas right, so adjust
yer calendars accordingly.
Every leap-year I go out and get drunk on Feb. 29th. And, this year
th tradition goes on, as usual. Oh, it's gonna be exciting huh?! I
mean, sheeit, all those other days peoples go out and get drunk and
stupid on, like, Fat Tuesday, New Years, St. Patty's, yer birthday,
etc, etc. come around once a year. But this is only once every 4 years
if my calculations are correct, so remember; YEEHAW on Friday th 29th!!!
And a Happy Birthday to all you freeks born on that day!!
P.S. This is neither here nor there, but last nite I overheard a young
dude tellin this gurl he was doin a term paper on CANADIA. She seemed
duly impressed and wished him well. I thought he might get a better
grade doin a paper on CANADA instead, but held my tongue. Not my job
to correct th Ignorance of th World, ya know what I mean.
Doin Th Sroll At Th Mall, or, as they say, "Mall Strollin"
Monday, February 11, 2008 12:54 PM
Yesterday, I happened to stop by Ward Parkway mall
and they were havin an indoor art fair. Art has always fascinated
As a young dude of 17, I wanted to be a musician, specifically, a
tenor sax man. I knew instinctively that I wouldn't be th best, but,
I jus wanted to be good enuff to play sax in your average shit-kickin,
honky-tonk dive. That woulda been enuff, but sheeit, I was completely
bereft of any musical talent. As in, nada fookin bit. Bummer!
Fortunately, I can live my musician's dream life vicariously thru
my son, who inherited his mom's musical talent (and mebbe my desire,
if such a thing is inheritable) and who has been an accomplished musician
fer twenty years now.
So, my second choice was to be an Artist. My first year outta high
school, 1959, I went to San Bernardino Valley Jr. College in California
and majored in Art. It only took one semester to realize that I had
no more artistic talent then I did musical. As a matter of fact, after
lookin at other peoples easels in class and seein their work, I knew
that after th first week!! There was no latent Picasso lukin inside
me. Hell, there wasn't even a Charles Schultz.
But anyway, I have always admired th skill of th Artist, and it still
fascinates me how they do what they do. Lookin at all th various booths
there I was struck by th niches artists find themselves in. Th various
styles and genres they pick to specialize in. Some choose to do landscapes,
Others concentrate on portraits. Still others do horses, dogs, airplanes,
sci-fi themes, abstract, musical instruments, street scenes, still
lifes, etc, etc. Th categories are endless.
By th way, I saw a very large painting, by an artist whose main gig
is insects and birds. Thas right, insects too. Beautiful vivid paintings
of insects in vibrant colors. And birds. Like a really gifted J.J.
Audubon. One in particular was of a Ruby-Breasted Hummingbird in flight
with an insect in his beak. It woulda looked super over my mantle
and it was only $19,850 bucks. But dammit, I didn't have th jack on
me cus I didn't know th fair was even goin on til I got there. I knew
by th time I got home and returned with th cash, it woulda been sold
already. Sheeit. I was keenly disappointed as I'm sure ya can unnerstan.
Remember that lesson boyz and gurlz; don't leave home without yer
And I saw another really striking painting of a wide vista of th plains
at nite, in th middle of a spectacular electrical storm, and th lightening
literally crackled off th canvas. Ya could almost smell it. But alas,
again, I didn't have my attache case of spendin money with me.
So I wound up buyin jus one photo of our famous Strouds chicken joint
before it was torn down. A reely cool pic. It's sittin there on th
mantle now. Not as awesome as th hummingbird, or th landscape perhaps,
but still, in it's own right,
Can't We All Just Get Along; Part 2
Wednesday, February 6, 2008 4:57 PM
It was a cold and nasty day. Earlier this afternoon,
fer some strange reason, I had a longing fer either a Big Mac or a
Big Whopper. I didn't care which. And altho I had foods here in th
crib I coulda eaten, my craving was not to be denied. So in spite
of th inclement weathers, I went searchin.
And speakin of cold and nasty, there was snow stuff all over th place.
If I was a weather/person I woulda said, "white stuff" in
a cutesy kind of fashion. You know how they do that! Why do they fuckin
do that? It's SNOW STUFF, godammit! Well, anyway, it was everywhere.
All over th place. Heck, ya couldn't even walk without steppin in
it. And it was on th streets too. Sheeit.
So, as I was drivin down Main Street, I came across a Burger King
first, and that solved th dilemma of which one I was gonna eat. I
sat down to enjoy my meal and about halfway thru, some black dude
got in an argument with th peoples behind th counter. I don't know
what started it, but pretty soon, "Fuck you's" and "mutherfuckers"
were flyin all over. About 5 or six of em behind th counter were "mutherfucker'n"
him and he was yelling back. This whole drama was not conducive to
a pleasant repast, if ya know whut I mean. Sheeit, I shoulda stayed
home and ate my hot dog in peace. He was yellin at em that he had
"orgasmed wit my ol lady last nite".
Whew! what a relief, eh! Still tho, I wasn't quite sure what bearing
that had on th price of rice? Oh well, who said these kinda things
had to make any sense anyway??
Then he started threatenin to get physical with em, and then this
big fat lady opened up th drawer underneath th register and put her
hand in and shreiked in a reel high pitched voice at im,
"C'mon mutherfucker, do it cuz I'm gonna splatter yer brains
all over de flo."
and he yelled at her to,
"Go ahead ya fuckin skanky bitch, try it!"
I was hopin like hell she wouldn't tho, cuz he and I were in close
proximity, and I knew that splatter was gonna, like, totally ruin
my Whopper!! I kinda wolfed down th rest of my burger so I could egress
th hell outta there before they started cappin each other. I dutifully
put my tray and trash in their proper places and as I left I said,
"Ya'll have a nice day, heah!"
And fer a brief second there was silence, as they all stood there
dumbfounded as they all tried to figure out what th hell that meant.
But it was only a momentary pause cuz before I reached th door, ten
thousand mutherfuckers resumed volleyin back and forth across th room.
I'm gonna check th 6 o'clock news tonite to see how they resolved
P.S. I don't know why it is, cuz every where I go, there are aways
crazy fookin loons lurkin about. Are there reely that many crazies
out there? Or, do peoples jus do their "crazy" thing when
I'm around? Y'know, like, "Pssst, hey th capms here! Let's go
Can't We All Just Get Along?
Tuesday, February 5, 2008 4:01 PM
Last nite at closing time, out in th parking lot,
this punk hit a friend of mine upside th head witrh a tire iron, splittin
his ear wide open.
I immediately threw th penality flag, and cited him fer "unsportsman-like
conduct" and penalized him 15 yards! But before I could impose
th penalty, he fled th scene, leavin his gurlfriend behind to take
th heat, givin ya some kinda idea why I referred to him as a punk.
He shoulda been ejected from Life!!
Re: CANNABIS BIGGER CANCER RISK THAN CIGARETTES
Sunday, February 3, 2008 2:56 PM
Concernin th bit I wrote about th Devil Weed, my
buddy Tommy D wrote me back,
"You forgot to mention about the fact it won't cause people to
send long ranting E-mails. TD"
I wonder what he meant by that?
Wuz he talkin bout ME?
Whut gives, cus sheeit, I never ranted or raved in my life.
CANNABIS BIGGER CANCER RISK THAN CIGARETTES
February 2, 2008 7:01 PM
My bud, Mike th G sent me an article with that headline.
My reply to that notion is, "Oh, Pshaw!". Cus I don't trust
th fuckers to ever be straight with us on matters pertainin to th
Cannabis. But, if ya would like to see th whole article, lemme know
and I'll send it on, but th headline sez it all.
For the last 70 years the "authorities" have been tryin
to demonize marijuana with one bullshit myth after another about th
dangers of th Devil weed, "reefer". Everything from Insanity
and Madness, to life-long addiction, to plants sprayed in mexico with
paraquat, a dangerous herbicide, and then distributed in th US anyway,
to enlarged breasts in men, to genetic defects, and now they're playing
the Cancer card. This is one that, surprisingly, they've overlooked
til now. Well, not surprisin I guess, when ya figure that none of
th other scare tactics have ever worked.
But sheeit, if they hadn't cried "wolf" so many times before,
one might pay a little more attention, but.........we now know better
than to trust any bullshit they put out referrin to weed. Sheeit,
those of us who been usin all our lives, have found in th past, that
we haven't gone Insane, that our breasts didn't grow, that our children
weren't born monsters, that in spite of some short term memory loss,
we can still go to th grocery store unattended and we still remember
our multiplication tables.
I should be dead by now havin smoked weed for 49 years! And tobacco
for 46 years too before quitting three years ago. And I'm still here.
Course this doesn't mean, I will be here next year too, but, there's
no reason to think I wont be. Is there? Huh? What, you know somthin
To my way of thinkin, it is CRIMINAL to lock some one up fer th use
of marijuana, and yet there are currently hundreds of thousands who
are incarcerated right now fer that very thing! It's fuckin ridiculous!
All th peoples who are ex-cons and convicted felons fer no more than
smoking some good weed.
And those fuckers won't back off one inch. Like, 10 or 11 states now
allow marijuana fer medical purposes, yet Federal Law, which supersedes
State laws, still make it a crime. Think of th absurdity that you
can be prescribed morphine for pain, an obviously highly addictive
dangerous drug, no question about it, but not marijuana to relieve
your glaucoma! It's crazy!
P.S. Here's somthin else all you degenerate dope smokers ought to
consider; no pothead has ever won a State Lottery!! Never! And you
teeners ought to be aware that pot causes severe, incurable acne.
Yer faces will be pitted fer life, but what th hell, get "high"
anyway. Pets, especially catz, disdain dopers and won't be affectionate.
They can smell that sharp pungent odor, especially from that fresh
green stuff, and will go out of their way to avoid you. They wouldn't
purr fer ya on a bet. If you should ever miss one of their meals,
they'll leave ya in a New Yawk flash! On th other hand, mosquitos
and other noxious insects are attracted by th aroma. Pot smokers spend
twice as much money on cookies and sweets as "regular" peoples.
They also jump off tall buildings in th erroneous belief that they
can fly, more often then normal peoples. And never, ever get stoned
around yer grandmother if there's an ax nearby, cuz ya don't wanna
be doin no mischief to her that ya'll regret later on. Oh yeah, one
other minor drawback to weed is; that it not only does NOT increase
breast size, but in fact shrinks em and also th other sex organs,
but I'm sure thas of no concern to any one. There are plenty products
out there to remedy that, eh. Chuckle chuckle.
The Republikan Party Irreparably Splintered?
February 2, 2008 4:15 PM
I keep readin how th various factions of th Republikan
Party are so far apart in their agendas, that there's no one guy who
can appeal to them all. Th Huckabee-ites don't like th McCain-ites
or th Romney-ites, and vise versa. Fer further evidence of this chasm,
check this little item out in today's paper. This was written by th
Arch-Conservative's Arch Conservative. Th Queen Bitch of all Bitches!!
This will surprise ya. It sure did me!!
"I'm a Hillary girl now. She lies less than John McCain. She's
smarter than John McCain, so when she's caught shamelessly lying,
at least the Clintons know they've been caught lying. McCain is so
stupid, he doesn't even know he's been caught."
These comments about th Republikan front-runner nominee!!! And this
from, no other than, Ms. ANN COULTER herself. Can ya believe that?!
I found this amazing! Sounds to me like some political party needs
a dose of, "Togetherness"!! Ha ha Kinda makes th squabbles
between Hillary and Obama seem tame, doesn't it. But hey, no complaints
here. Let em rip each other's throats out fer all I care.
P.S. McCain kinda reminds me of Bob Dole. Both moderate Republicans,
both war heroes, both hawkish, both life-long presidential wanna-be's,
but both outta touch with th majority of th Amerikan peoples. And
seein as how this is McCain's last chance, it couldn't have come at
a worse time fer him!!
Once Again. St. Anthony To Th Rescue
January 31, 2008 2:08 PM
Another story of Faith rewarded! I know it's gettin
kinda trite usin that line fer th subject, cuz I've prolly used it
a half dozen times, but th guy jus keeps on comin thru fer me!!
Ya may recall, in th past I've hipped ya to St. Anthony before. If
ya've fergotten. St. Anthony is th patron saint of lost things. Say,
like, ya lose yer marbles and yer runnin around jus goofy as can be;
St. Anthony will find em fer ya! He has worked with me numerous times
over th years, with an extremely high rate of success. OK, now below
is part of a message I wrote.
Flashback: Dec. 31st, 2007
"Around th same time I lost my shades I also lost a laundry bag
containin all my colored T-shirts. In other words, all my T-shirts
which aren't white! This includes my Jimi Hendrix, my King Louie bowling
shirt, my various bar and booze shirts, my coca cola t-shirt, every
fucking colored t-shirt I had. About 25 of em, along with about six
pair of colored socks.
Th followin day, after returnin from th laundromat, when I went to
select one fer th that evening's ensemble, I couldn't find th bag
they were in. How does one misplace a bag of t-shirts? I looked everywhere.
And then, I looked everywhere again and again. Nada! I even looked
in th freezer. Nope, they weren't there either. Whenever I lose somthin,
I always check th refrigerator and freezer, cus sometimes when I'm
drunk and stoned I hide things there, and then ferget about em. Do
ya'll do that too, boyzs and gurlz?
I'm kinda reluctant to ask fer any "special" help on this
project, cuz I don't wanna send Tony out on some wild goose chase,
cuz even St. Anthony has his limits. In th past week, I've been preparin
myself fer th fact that they're GONE! Never to be seen or worn by
me again. SIGH! Sometimes Life can deal us these crushin blows, eh!
And some peoples wonder why some peoples do drugs!?"
OK, flash forward to present time. Jan. 31st, 2008
Aw'right...in spite of my reluctance to get Tony involved here, I
did in fact mention to him in passing about my lost bag of T-shirts.
This was after he had found my shades. I didn't make a big deal of
it; I jus casually mentioned that I would appreciate it if he might
look into it at his convenience. In th meantime, I went to th thrift
store to replenish my supply of colored T-shirts.
OK.... so last nite about 2 AM, I stopped by th crib on my way to
my late nite joint, to "re-boot" myself, so to speak, and
while sittin on this big chair, tryin to prepare my "substance,"
I decided to remove some of th sweaters, jeans, shirts, coats, etc,
that I normally drape over th chair. Ya see, th chair functions like
an open air walk-by closet. Th original purpose of th chair, as a
place to rest one's vessel by "sitting" had been severely
compromised. So, I started removin some of th clothes there, when.
suddenly, I felt a plastic bag. It was black. I said to myself,
"Hmmm, I don't recall no plastic bag bein there!"
And then again, suddenly, th thought occurred to me,
"NO, no way! It couldn't be!! There's no way it could be TH LOST
BAG OF COLORED T-SHIRTS!? Huh? C'mon!"
And so I feverishly began throwin clothes helter-skelter over my shoulders
in a mad frenzy until only th black plastic bag remained. I stood
there lookin at it fer a few moments, not believin this could actually
be TH LOST BAG OF COLORED T-SHIRTS?! And so I slowly, tentatively
opened it jus a bit, peekin in afraid of my hopes bein dashed.....and
EUREKA! .....ZOUNDS!.... EGADS! Th image of Jimmy Hendrix was starin
up at me. My colored t-shirts, all of em, have been on my chair fer
th past month buried under a pile of clothes 3 feet away from my Sofa
where I live!
Oh, I rejoiced! I swooned even, losin my balance, but fortunately
landing on th Sofa. I even put th Hendrix T-shirt on so I could show
all th concerned citizens who have expressed their condolences to
me, that my T-shirts which were lost, but now they have been found!!
And tho I certainly din't need em, I did a couple extra tokes in celebration!
Thanks again St. Anthony, you're always Aces with me!! Remember boyz
and gurlz, if ya lose it; call on St. Anthony!!
P.S. I must admit I was a bit disappointed at th reaction of various
peoples who I showed my lost T-shirt to. They didn't reely exhibit
th kind of joy and exuberance I was expectin. It was pretty much "ho-hum".
Well, no matter. My own spirit soars like a buzzard today!
Don't Be Too Hasty
January 28, 2008 4:11 PM
About six months ago I had to turn myself in to th
medical authorities fer some routine maintenance. I had two x-rays
of my back and chest. They sent me a bill fer $114.00 which I promptly
paid. A couple weeks later they sent me an additional bill fer those
same two x-rays fer $790.00 more. I went thru th roof.
All this happened at Kansas University Med Center. I got those same
two x-rays at St. Lukes 3 years ago fer 94.00 and these assholes wanted
$900.00 total fer th same thing. They said th first bill was jus fer
th doctors to read em. (it took two of em to read em) I told em I
would pay em, usin th old cliche, "jus as soon as hell freezes
over", and addin an extra "Fuck You!" to emphasize
So, they been buggin me every since. Today I got another piece of
mail from em, which I immediately threw into th trash un-opened. But
jus fer laffs, I decided to sent it back to em with th aforementioned
customary "Fuck You!" greeting in lieu of payment.
Well it turns out that enclosed was a check to Me, from them, fer
a $31.00 dollar overcharge?? Say what? I don't know what overcharge
they're talkin about, but I'm not askin, since they're claimin I owe
em $790.00 bucks more.
Sheeit, I don't know what in th fuck those peoples are doin, but I
went and deposited it right away. I'm jus glad I decided to open that,
eh? instead of brashly throwin it away. Now, if they'd jus stop callin
me 3-4 times a day, we could all live happily ever after.
OK boyz n gurlz, WATCH TH SKIES! And always check yer mail!! Ya never
know what surprises might await ya!
A Comb Too Much
January 28, 2008 2:42 AM
A Mystery Of Th Minor Variety
When I got home early Sunday morning, I was havin problems pullin
my wallet outta my pocket. (well, naturally...I was a drunken loon)
My wallet was entangled in some threads in th pocket as was my comb.Th
comb is one of those "piks," y'know th kind I mean, like
black folks use. It turns out that th threads were entangled in th
comb too. It further turns out that there were Three combs in my pocket!
This was strange. I didn't put three combs in my pocket when I left
earlier. I know that fer real dude!! This is an absolute Truth!! And
th reason why I can state this unequivocally is cuz I only own Two
of these combs!!! Of course it's possible I could have inadvertently
put my second comb in my pocket, without realizin I already had one
there, BUT...th mystery here is; where did th third fuckin comb come
Did I at some point in th evening pick some one's pocket of their
"pik" without either one of us knowin it? Have I turned
into some kinda fiendish zombie pickpocket who specializes in picking
other peoples pockets of their piks? I don't understand? Thas not
like me. I don't have th kinda rep where, after brief conversations
with peoples, they find it necessary to make sure they still have
all their accessories on em. They don't pat their pockets down, check
their wallets, make sure their watches and rings and piks and so on
are still on their person. I never hear any one whisper to others,
"Pssst, be careful, th cap'ms here. Keep an eye out on yer valuables,
specially yer piks."
So...where did th Third Comb come from? Is this another one of Dick
Nixon's ops? Did one of his goons surreptitiously slip an extra pik
in my pocket to cause me this confusion? Does G. Gordon Libby have
an alibi? What about E. Howard Hunt? Jus how deep does this conspiracy
go? Perhaps th third comb was sprayed with some kinda "silly
powder" which would be absorbed by my hair, sinkin down into
th follicles and gradually seep into my brain causin me to act silly
and irrationally? And if yer sayin,
"Oh pshaw cap'm, there's no conspiracy here. There's gotta be
a logical explanation."
OK, fine! So...where in th fuck-all DID th third comb come from? Huh?
P.S. In th mean time, I tried to make some lemonade outta this mess,
but got nowhere with that. (well sheeit, how ya gonna make lemonade
outta plastic combs any way?) So instead of lemonade, now I'm tryin
to figure out a way I can utilise all three combs at th same time,
thereby reducing th number of combing strokes necessary to groom myself.
Kinda like th 3-4 razor blade theory. Whatever hairs are missed by
th first comb, th second will get, and what ever hairs are left, th
third one will get. Ya get th pic? Thus savin myself precious moments
that could be better spent here on th Sofa, contemplatin th Mysteries
Are You A Liberal Or A Conservative?
January 24, 2008 4:46 PM
If you want to know where you land on the scale this
is a quick little quiz. It doesn't just say liberal or conservative
- it is much better than that. The results are interesting and it
only takes a couple of minutes to do. check it out.
By th way, I'm a staunch LIBERAL! In case ya didn't know that already.
A Couple Ideas From Th Cap'm
January 24, 2008 4:22 PM
# 1: I'm thinkin of makin some runnin shoes usin
th same stuff they made those "superballs" out of. Ya recall
those little rubber balls that bounced almost as high as they were
dropped from? Well, think of th "bounce" that would give
th runnin freaks as they bound thru th streets. Sneak a pair of em
on to a white basketball player, and shock those who maintain white
peoples can't jump. Whooeeee, he be throwin that rock DOWN into th
#2: OK, Packaging: how bout sellin boxes of cereal that are actually
full of cereal, instead of air. That huge box of cereal is actually
only half full, but it looks really big doesn't it? OK, don't be fooled
boyz n gurlz. It appears yer buyin a reely big box, but it's mostly
empty space! But if ya made that box jus big enuff to hold th cereal
itself, think of th money you would save in transportation alone.
You could ship twice as many boxes in th same truck as before. Shelf
space in stores would double. Plus, ya eliminate th cost of that extra
cardboard! I read several years ago that a cereal box had 8 cents
worth of cereal in it, but th box itself costs 39 cents. Fuck all
that extraneous shit! Of course this could work, not with jus cereal,
but any packaged product. Sheeit, half that bottle of aspirin ya buy
is jus cotton, to keep th things from rattlin around durin shipment
I spose. Why not jus make th container half as big and reduce th cost
of th container and th cotton!? Huh? Why not?
I call this Reality Packaging. Stop chargin us fer Illusions.... lower
yer prices.... and jus charge us fer Product.
Hmmm, hey kids, ya ever get th idea ya may be in th presence of Greatness?
P.S. Earlier today I saw a dude standin on th corner holdin a sign
that said, "Need money for tobacco and alcohol research project."
Two worthy causes I thought merited a small donation.
January 23, 2008 3:58 PM
For those peoples who may believe that George Bush
is th worst President in of all time, and before ya condemn him to
th landfill of history, ya might wanna review this list of some of
his accomplishments first. It's pretty impressive!! Then make up yer
mind. This sent to me from my bud, th Stagford.
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine,
and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving
record has been "lost" and is not available.
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to
take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining
the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business
in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't
find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold
all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our
friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected
governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston
replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut
taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing
by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U.S. stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs
and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration
in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice,
has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor,
and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest
corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation
or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused
to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President
in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy
in the history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war"
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President
since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period. I took off the entire month of August then I presided over
the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country
in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record
for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so
against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens,
and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking
Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical
Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC
investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or
minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding
public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004
WHEW! Pretty staggerin, huh?! I hope this might help ya decide where
you think his place oughta be!
P.S. Please note tho that this list doesn't include his many more
accomplishments in th last three years.
Genesis Of A JD (juvenile delinquent)
January 21, 2008 8:43 PM
Did'ja ever see th 1955 movie, The Wild One
with Marlon Brando and Lee Marvin? That movie turned me into a JD.
I was 14 then, livin in San Bernardino, CA. in th 9th grade, and that
was th coolest movie I had ever seen. I wanted to be jus like Johnny.
I wanted to be a Rebel. (I still do Ha ha) I wanted to wail too. I
wanted to be hep, daddy-o.
Within a week after seein that flick, I bought a black leather motorcycle
jacket, with all th zippers and pockets and some black motorcycle
boots. We called em, "stompin boots". Combed my hair in
th DA style (duck's ass) and wore my collars turned up in th back.
We wore our Levis low on our butts (take note hip-hoppers this was
th '50s) and cut th belt loops off of em.
Didn't wear no khaki slacks with little belts in th back. No Princeton
haircuts, with th part already shaved in. Wasn't no preppie pussy.
Wasn't no "square". I was one of th school's "hoody"
guys. I was Bad!! Ha ha We always got drunk and rowdy at th sock hops,
gettin in fights with th jocks.
Durin intermission at th theatre, we used to lean against th walls,
with one foot braced against th wall puffin away, blowin th smoke
out in a slow defiant kinda way, employin th bad-ass style of cradlin
th cig in th same fashion ya hold a roach, eyeballin anybody who looked
at us wrong.
"What'chu lookin at?!"
It took a lotta Brylcream and effort to maintain that slick wet look
too. Ya stood there in front of th mirror, legs akimbo, pelvis thrust
slightly forward, glidin that comb slowly thru yer hair, with jus
th hint of a sneer. Elvis could do a really boss sneer. I tried copyin
his style but it didn't work out very well on me. One nite at th Friday
nite flik, when my amigo and I were standin there in front of th mirror,
tryin to get everything, "just so" my bud looked at me and
"Why you got that goofy look on yer face?"
"Say what? What'chu talkin bout? What goofy look?"
"Yer mouth is all twisted up. Ya look stupid!"
"Hey fuck you asshole!"
And we shoved each other back and forth a couple times. I thought
we were goin to Knuckle City, but th attendant stepped in between
us. Later that evening when I got home, I was practicin my sneer in
th mirror, and I realized; th dude was Right! I did look stupid! So,
after that, I dropped th sneer from my act altogether.
Course, on reflection today, ya gotta kinda smirk at a 14 y/o punk
wearin such a get-up and thinkin he's cool, and a bad ass too, eh?!
But sheeit, it was th '50s, y'dig! We were jus doin our best toi be
cool and hep. I try and keep that mental image in my mind every time
I see a young teenage dude struttin around with his big baggy pants
barely coverin his butt and a t-shirt that comes down to his knees,and
all th other accoutrements that comprise th "cool" look
of today. I try not to be judgemental and go,
"What th fuck is with these young peoples anyway? Don't they
know how stupid they look!?"
And even tho we obviously looked cool, whereas they jus look Dumb,
Ha ha they prolly think they look cool too, y'know what I mean!? And
some of this slang they use daddy-o, I mean, it's so lame. Word up!!
But sheeit, most of em will grow outta it. As fer myself, as I got
older and more mature (about th time I was 16) I would'na been caught
dead lookin like that anymore.
Today I see all kinds'a young cats and chiks wearin those same things.
Ah KIDS, y'know. DANG, I wish Id'a kept mine now! Sheeit, I coulda
been Cool all over again!
A Better World Thru Shower-Water Temperature Control (and much more)
January 17, 2008 5:24 PM
Last nite I was eavesdroppin on a young couple sittin
next to me. It sounded like first date kinda material. He was mightily
tryin to impress her and goin to great lengths to explain how he planned
to make a difference in people's lives, and at th same time to become
obscenely rich. That way he could actually do GOOD, and yet enjoy
his yachts without feelin guilty bout anything.
I will try and summarize his ambitions without goin into great detail.
(like he did)
He told her of th hassle of takin a shower and havin to adjust th
water temp to a comfortable level. It's too Cold, so ya give it a
bit more Hot....ooops too much, back off on th Hot a bit....and back
and forth, until ya finally get it jus so. Yeah, right, oh what a
hassle! Who amongst us hasn't confronted this dilemma before?
His plan, involved installin his system of temp controlled showers
in every new hotel and building built in th future. One would simply
dial up th desired temp and within 31 seconds, no more foolin around.
It would maintain that temp. Note thas 31 seconds to achieve desired
temp, so it seems that he's reely thought this thing out eh?! (accordin
to my calculations it would actually take 31.35 seconds, but I'm not
When he finished elaborating, she mentioned that she thought there
were already such systems in place. Undeterred, this bit of info only
stalled him fer a second, cuz he replied that his Genius was in th
fact that He was gonna be th one to exploit th idea. He was th one
who was goin to make it BIG. He was goin to be th Water Temperature
Control Czar Of The World !
Personally, I think th dude is on to somthin! I think it's a capitol
idea. Like, there's an un-tapped world market out there fer such a
system, cuz, outta th 7 billions of peoples on th planet, how many
currently enjoy such a necessity?
There are shanty towns and slums all over th world in such places
as Sao Paulo. Bangkok, Cairo, Ethiopia, Bangladesh, and on and on
who are bereft of such things. Shocking, ya say? No, it's true! Heck,
right here in th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, there
are many peoples livin under bridges in card board boxes who are lacking
these basic human needs. All their showers have to be adjusted th
old-fashioned way. It's a New World kids!!
So...to all th Gloomheads out there, it jus goes to show ya, that
some peoples aren't buyin all those Doomsday scenarios and are actually
tryin to change things fer th betterment of all Humankind. And jus
last nite, I sat right next to one of th Visionaries whose gonna change
Ya ever feel like yer in th presence of Greatness boyz and gurlz?
I hope that gurlie was as impressed with that dude's "up and
at em" attitude as I was. He's gonna make his mark on th world!!
Homage To Steven Wright
January 15, 2008 8:00 PM
Do ya'll remember Steven Wright, th comedian? I haven't
heard much from him lately. I don't know if he's still performin or
not. If ya remember, he was th comic who jus stood there and delivered
his lines in a montone voice, and with a completely deadpan expression.
I always thought of him as th intelligent person's comic. Just imagine
him saying these things with absolutely no expression. You get the
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I was an only child... eventually.
I lost a button hole.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?'
I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After
a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile.
It's a bitch to fold it.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...
then I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information.
She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or
I'll throw it at them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got
a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
the shape of a house.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Sure, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.'
So I did.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told
me it was none of my business.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly
the prescription ran out.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age
in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
My school colors were clear.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I
think I might have written that.'
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed
in front of the fire for the entire evening in ten minutes.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a
pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or
I'm marking down everything in the store...'
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, 'the whole time.'
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven,
time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right. My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to
go to sleep.'
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't
doing what I was doing.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred
a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
I'll take Steven over th Cable Guy any day, but Lewis Black is my