Subject: THE BIRDS FLY SOUTH IN THE WINTER
Date: Saturday, February 23, 2008 3:52 PM

Or, so we're told. Cuz, like earlier today as I was locomotin down Brookside Blvd. I looked up and saw a googol of geese steadily flappin their way somewhere. OK, OK, I can hear th nitpickers now, and yeah, I admit, that "googol" was an exaggeration cuz as we all know, thas a reel big number. Like, y'know, a googol is th number 1, followed by 100 zeros. It has been estimated that th known universe contains approximately 1 to th 86th power Atoms. So, had there reely been a googol of honkers, ya wouldn't even be able to turn around without bumpin into one of th critters. So les jus say there was a large gaggle of gooses. Prolly fifty, mebbe sixty of em, wingin in their V formation. (it was a pretty sloppy formation too, I might add. formation discipline was definitely lax)

Now, I don't know jus what th hell th head gander was thinkin, and I assume it was a gander, cus even tho geeses aren't very bright, I don't think they'd follow a female, eh? H aha Jus kiddin gurls. That was jus a bit of levity, OK, I'm not reely an oinker. (Say it ain't so Joe)

But here's th thing, th endless winter goes on and on. It started around th beginning of th Paleolithic age, and here it is, late Feb. and no end in sight. And yet somehow this particular crew never got th word, "The birds fly south in the winter." What gives? By th time they get where they're goin, it'll be time to turn around and come back. So, what they been doin these past few months? I mean, what's a fowl to do?

Obviously this was a bunch of Procrastinator Geese. Been puttin off th trip til th very last minute. Prolly been hangin round, protestin, chantin slogans like,
"TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT-----WE DON'T WANT TA MIGRATE!"

Well, any way, on th whole, a pretty sloppy, disorganised, long-feathered crew bereft of Motivation and Leadership.

But, here's th kicker. Dig this!! Not only were they unfashionably late, BUT th fookers were flyin dead EAST!! Not SOUTH!! Like they were goin to St. Louie or somthin. What's with that? Mebbe some one shoulda tied a compass to th lead honkers neck. Jus another example of a lack of leadership. Those guys need a Change. Some one who can show them which way to go. Hell, by now, they might be headin to N. Dakota fer all I know!

OK, so, if ya should hear these guys overhead, and they're a noisy bunch too, tell em they're goin th wrong fuckin way!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know what, I'll bet these guys been lyin around and smoking reefer all this time. That might help explain their irrational behavior, huh.

Subject: Where Do Th Candidates Stand On This Vitally Important Issue?
Date: Friday, February 22, 2008 3:02 PM

Recently in th op-ed section of th Star, they ran part of an editorial from th Seattle Times concernin th fookin penny, which as ya may recall, is an issue I have addressed several times over th past ten years.

They noted th obvious stupidity of makin pennies that cost 1.67 cents to manufacture. Doesn't make much sense does it? Naw, I don't think so either. I got no use fer them steeenking pennies. Remember this? Some thoughts I had on th subject.

***********************
Tue, Aug 3, 2004, 5:09pm (CST+1)
Subject: "Pennies from heaven." Bullshit. Keep yer fuckin' pennies.

I hate pennies. Whut in the hell are we still doing foolin' around with them? They're virtually worthless! Ya' know whut ya' can buy fer a penny? Nada! Pennies; whut are they good for? Absolutely Nothin'! Hell, sheeit, ya' can't even buy anythin' fer a nickel these days! So, why don't we just round off purchases to the nearest nickel?

Every now and then I see someone drop a penny and wait fer it to stop rollin', and walk over and pick it up. Why, I ask? I mean, it's a FUCKIN' PENNY! fer chrissake! Get real!

If ya' had a job picking up pennies one at a time, and ya' got paid by the amount of pennies ya' picked up; if ya' stooped over 4,120 times in eight hours ya' woulda' just made yerself minimum wage. Ya' woulda' made yerself forty one dollars and twenty cents.

I dunno, maybe those peoples are still influenced by the old adage,

"A penny saved, is a penny earned",

ya' remember that one, don'cha? What a crock! I never take pennies in change. I mean, why have them cluttering up yer pockets? Peoples say,

"Well, ya' can use them to make change with."

Once again, Big Deal. So ya've saved yerself 2 cents on a twenty-nine dollar and ninety eight cent purchase by taking your two cents change. Now, ya' got two cents towards yer next purchase. WHOOPEE,

"Well, take 'em home and put them in a jar and save them til you get enuff to take to the bank."

Right!! Didja' read in the papers a few days ago about an old geezer in cal. who had been doing JUST THAT for FIFTY YEARS!! When he finally went to the bank with his FIFTY YEARS accumulation of pennies in a CRATE, a crate, no less! He had saved 264.00 dollars. This is fer FIFTY YEARS OF EFFORT! Which works out at about 43 cents a month. Whew!

Imagine if you save yer pennies 365 days of the year, dropping them into a jar, at the end of the year, after spending thirty minutes to count and wrap them up, and take 'em to the bank, ya' can go to Mcdonald's and treat yerself to a quarter-pounder and some fries, jus on the pennies you've saved up in the preceding year. Whut a deal!! Course, if ya' want a drink too, yer gonna have to dig into yer pockets for that.

the cap't.

Subject: John McCain vs New York Times
Date: Friday, February 22, 2008 2:35 PM

I have always felt th NY Times to be one of the better and more responsible papers in the country, but I'm confused and dismayed by this whole story and the Times involvement in it.

Like, why did the Times endorse McCain and then a short time later, run a defamatory, derogatory story about him that they were sitting on when they endorsed him in the first place? This does not strike me as proper journalistic etiquette. Is there really a nefarious, sinister plot here as their detractors allege? Is the New York Times engaging in political dirty tricks here?

If not, why then endorse a candidate, when you have potentially damaging information about his character? From an ethical point of view, wouldn't they have been better served by withholding their endorsement until they had all the facts to their satisfaction?

Or, on the other hand, did they purposely endorse a candidate that they felt had engaged in unethical conduct, only to expose him later to maximum effect?

I wonder, do they still stand by their endorsement, in spite of his alleged favoritism of his alleged girlfriend lobbyist and her company?

Or, has their own story convinced them it was a mistake? Who will they endorse now that they have discovered he is a cad, and not to be trusted? This whole thing reeks to me of the kind of chicanery we have come to expect from the Repubs!

This fails the smell test for me. You know, if it stinks; something is rotten!

confused in KC,

th cap'm

Subject: Who Would YOU Choose?
Date: Thursday, February 21, 2008 1:17 PM

OK, ya'll, if ya wondered what that power outtage was all about last nite; I was thinkin again. Here's what I was thinkin.

How about doin a full length animated movie starrin......ALFRED E. NEWMAN? Yes, I know, I know..... Brilliant!!!!

But th conundrum is....who will we get to do th voice of Alfred? One said, Mike Myers, another Mike Tyson I kinda liked that one haha can you not hear that goofy Tyson voice as Alfred? Shannon Sharpe, altho I didn't seriously consider him, Dustin Hoffman, Pee Wee Herman, and a half dozen others, which I can't recall right now. Damn short term memory loss! I wonder what thas all about?

But anyway, I thought who ever does Bart Simpson's nerdy buddy (can't remember his name. Curses!) might work? Aw'right, so here's what ya do...take a pic of Alfred E. Newman....and study it intensely, try and imagine what he should sound like, try and immerse yerself in Alfred's Being. See, what it feels like. How will he project himself? Is he a nerdy Einsteinian type? Just too fookin smart for those around him to deal with? Or.....on th other hand, is he more of a Forest Gump kinda guy? Becuz of that large gap in his front teeth, I'm thinkin he oughta have a kinda high, whistly, lisp. Whadda'ya think? By th way, do ya see any resemblance between him and Howdy Doody? Could they be brothers in our story?

OK, send yer suggestions to me and th winner gets a free copy of Mad Comics # 1. OR, if I'm unable to locate that, (plus not havin th mucho dinero that would involve) yer choice of th Meatloaf or Chicken Sunday Special at "the Brick".

Send yer input to, "The Voice of Alfred E. Newman" c/o Capt. Duderino.

th cap'm

P.S. "What, me worry?"

Subject: CORRECTION! Oh Curses!
Date: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 5:46 PM

Th ever vigilant, Mike th G, pointed out that Mike's address should be 5424 Troost, not 5525 as I put it. Thas FIFTY-FOUR TWENTY FOUR.

Well, in my defense, I've only been goin in th joint fer 43 years, so...whadda'ya expect?

th addled cap'm

Subject: Th Art Of Th Barter
Date: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 2:09 PM

About ten years ago, at an auction, I bought a green neon sign that had been in th saloon fer many years. It said, "Mike's Tavern". It's been here at my crib all that time.

I decided to finally sell it. What better place than it's original home, eh? I negotiated a trade with th new owners. Th negotiations consisted of my proposal of th sign, in exchange fer a certain numbers of beers fer me; they promptly accepted without hesitation. Deal done!!

A great way to do business. No hassles, no money exchanged, a handshake. Thas it. They receive a real nice neon sign, I get to drink fer some time free.

Everybody satisfied with th arrangement.

Last nite, I received my first beers. Tonite th sign becomes operational.
Salut.

th cap'm

P.S. Stop in and take a look at it sometime. Mike's Tavern, 5524 Troost. Good music, good foods, friendly crowds. (with th occasional loon Ha ha)

Subject: To Chicken Or To Meatloaf? That Is Th Question
Date: Sunday, February 17, 2008 11:21 PM

Do ya'll like fried chicken boyz and gurlz? How bout meatloaf? If ya like either one of em, I got a suggestion fer ya.

Th next Sunday yer bored and lookin fer somthin to do, I suggest ya go down to "the Brick" in th 1700 block of McGee, right directly across th street from th Kansas City Star, our home town rag.

Here's why: on Sundays they have a special. 7.95. Take yer choice of th chicken or th meatloaf. With yer selection, ya get a nice, tasty glob of mash-ed potatoes, delicious mac n cheese, wonderful green beans, and fer dessert, a bowl of sumptuous peach cobbler.

Up until today, I have always gone with th fried chicken. It is outstanding. Believe me, ya won't be disappointed. But, some of my contacts on th street hipped me to th meatloaf and suggested I give it a shot. So, I did!!

Oh man! They weren't jivin one bit. Looky here, all I can tell ya was, that it was maybe..... maybe jus th best meatloaf I've ever eaten in my life. Aw'right. Ok, lemme jus say once again; ya won't be disappointed!!

And if yer not that hungry, th chili is Capitol also!! Aw'right then, next Sunday: do eeet!!

And if yer not 100% satisfied, tell em th cap'm sent ya and they'll refund yer money.

th cap'm

P.S. Um...on that guarantee thing..... well, ya never can tell, y'know, cuz, like, even tho they don't know me, they might? Besides, I'm confident you'll like it.

Subject: On And On, Seemingly Without End
Date: Sunday, February 17, 2008 8:07 PM

Last nite, I exceeded my quota fer Crazies. It was my dubious pleasure to make th acquaintance of four of em. Why am I so lucky and blessed? Damned if I know. They jus seem to gravitate to me like moths to a flame. If there is a loony-tune in th joint, eventually they will wind up sittin next to me. Why me Zeus? Huh? Why me?

I purposely sit in a dark corner, as far from th music as possible. I sit there in an effort at anonymity. I hope that my black fedora, with my black sweater and my black navy pea jacket will help me to blend in with th darkness, so as not to be noticed. Besides, it suits my dark nature.

Sittin at th bar was a squirrelly little dude, all tattooed up from his fingertips to his neck, who kept turnin around and lookin at me. I knew it was only a matter of time. Within a half hour he picked up his beer and came over to my table and introduced hisself. His name was Arthur, and he had beady, intense little eyes with th flicker of Madness behind em. He said,

"My name is Arthur and you look like a philosophical kinda of person to me."

"Nope, sorry Arthur, not me by a long shot. I'm far from it. Not a philosophical kinda person at all."

"Then, what kind of person are you?" he said, as his eyes bored into me.

Oh fuck! He wants me to analyze myself. And what's with those eyes, fr'chrissake? I said,

"Hey, ya know what Arthur, I came here tonite to sit here and dig some music and to quietly drink my beers. My plan fer th evenin was to keep it as simple as possible, ya know what I mean. Like, no conversations about politics, religion, th meaning of our Existence, y'know, that sorta thing. In other words, nothin involvin any kinda heavy thinkin. I'm jus lookin fer a little peaceful oblivion tonite. OK."

So he sez,

"You mean you don't want to talk with me? You'd rather sit by yourself?! Is that what you're saying?"

I said,

"Well yeah, y'know...um..ya can certainly find a better conversationalist in here than me. Nothin personal, y'unnerstan."

So Arthur went back to th bar. Whew! That was close. But then I spied a dude strollin around wearin a woolen cap, y'know, like navy guys wear. He kept glancin at me every time he passed my table, and I could see th writin on th wall. Sure enuff, one time he landed. This guy in his mid-40's, with only a couple teeth left, been down a long, hard road obviously. Said,

"My name is Buddy, ya' mind if I sit here?"

Th place was startin to bounce, y'know, so I couldn't monopolize th whole table, so I said,

"Help yerself dude."

Not surprisingly, Buddy tole me he'd jus been released from th Crossroads, about three weeks ago. Tryin to readjust, y'know. I'm not at all sure what Buddy told me th next 30 minutes, cus with th noise from th band, and th fact Buddy had a hard time stringin his words together to make coherent sentences, I didn't reely have a clue. Finally, Buddy said somthin bout needin to get back to th half-way house, and he left. Whew, once again.

A few minutes later this very drunken young girl, Angie, on her way to th bathroom, sat down at my table and told me she was hidin from her boyfriend cus she needed a cigarette. She quit 3 months ago and was jonesin reel bad. So, she lit up and proceeded to tell me about her Life, and all th trouble her b/f gave her every time she tried to have a smoke. She asked me if he caught her, would I tell him that I gave th cigarette to her. Yeah right! Thas jus what I needed. I told her,

"Fuck no! Are you kiddin me!! Don't be gettin me in th middle of yer squabbles. As a matter of fact, get th fuck away from my table. I'm savin that seat fer a friend of mine."

She made a face and said,

"You're mean!"

"Yeah sweetie, thas what I've been told!"

When she walked by me a few minutes later, she gave me a dirty look and went back in th poolroom, and laid on her back right on one of th tables right in th middle of a game and stuck her spreaded legs up in th air and yelled YAHOOO! Ha ha. By th way, Angie was wearin a dress. She got a lotta attention with that move. I thought it rather strange her b/f hit her when she smoked, but didn't have any problem with that little display. Oh well, Love is strange, eh!

After a few more minutes, I decided th place was gettin too goofy fer me, so I left early fer my late nite joint and hopefully a reprieve from th madness.

Not so! I had only been there a few minutes when I met "Vincent". He sat next to me. Well, sheeit yeah, where else? Vincent was from Newww Yawwk. He looked a lot like Christopher on th Sopranos, and spoke with th most heavy New York accent ya could imagine. I mean, it was so exaggerated, it was like a parody. Vincent hinted at some mob ties and implied he was here in this god-forsaken, nowhere, Kansas place to straighten some things out, before he could return to Nirvana. I didn't even bother to tell him that he was in Missouri instead of Kansas. Out-of-towners always make that mistake. By way of conversation, I tole him he oughta check out Garrrozos fer some good Italiano cuisine. He scoffed and said disgustedly that there was NO good Italian food anywhere! Period! Except in Little Italy in New York. All th rest was jus made by a bunch of wanna-bes who wouldn't know a good pasta from Chinese noodles. I didn't bother to tell im that Italian food reminded me of colorful vomit, with a taste to match. Figured he'd have me whacked before I could get to my car. Ha ha

Normally, I hate to see an evening come to an end, but last nite I actually welcomed last call. Was glad to get to th comfort and peace of my crib fer a change. Monday, it starts all over. Sigh!

th cap'm

P.S. I'm omitting th hassle over th pool table with th fuckin "sports enthusiast" as he called himself, moanin and groanin and whinin with his buddy about a bad call from th ref durin th Villanova basketball game. I kept havin to tell him, "Hey dude, it's yer fuckin shot huh." I'm waitin to shoot th next game and he's flappin his gums about a damn basketball game. I finally jus picked up my quarters and left. I'm not even gonna bother with that story, cuz, like, I'm storied out, know what I mean!

Subject: CHANGE?
Date: Saturday, February 16, 2008 11:15 PM

Is this an omen? A portent of things to come? Is a new wind blowin? Like, whut's happening?

Last nite, sittin there in th saloon, listenin to th Reggie band, (sometimes known as reggae) doin my thing, drinkin, that is, there were four very attractive gurls sittin in a booth across from me. At some point a middle aged couple came in, boogie-in to th beat. They were into th Reggie. She, a tall, blond good lookin woman, very nice body, but obviously in her late 40's. He, jus a non-descript middle-aged dude.

She proceeded to do a bump n' grind in front of th gurls. They loved it. They went wild. They told her she was so hottt.

"Oh Miiiii Gawd, yer sooooo hottt!!"

they all squealed. She placed one leather booted foot up on th table while pelvically thrustin herself in their direction, and th gurl nearest her began to lick her boots!! Soon, one of th other gurls put her calf-high boots up and they all started lickin her boots!! In no time, they were all lickin each others boots and exclaimin, "Ooooh yer soo hott!" to each other. Evidently, this was a boot wearin kinda nitecuz everybody was leather booted up.

Damn! It was distractin! How can one properly watch th Reggie band in th midst of so much distractions? And altho, I have nothin personal against boot-lickers of that variety, I suspect all those gurls were ditchin Hygiene 101 th day they covered, "Licking Another's Boots". Surely there must be some Hygiene issues here, huh? I mean, rilly, how does one know where those boots have been? Can cooties live on leather boots? Well, as I said, I'm sure there are issues.

In th midst of all th festivities, her husband sidled over to me and whispered,

"Th ol lady likes to have her fun when she gets a bit juiced! Whadda'ya gonna do?! He he"

I replied, in ol hippie fashion,

"Go with th flow, I guess, huh?"

He sez,

"Yeah, but I don't really mind tho. I enjoy it myself. snicker snicker"

I said,

"Well thas good. I'm happy fer ya'll!"

And so he went back to th table and they were all exchangin phone numbers, and after some more boot lickin, th swingin couple left fer new boot-lickin horizons I spose.

Who sez we all can't jus get along? But still.......whas happening to my tavern?

th cap'm

P.S. Now, I'm wonderin if this is what they were referrin to in that country song a few years ago,

"Boot Scootin Boogie"?

Subject: Gettin Back In Th Saddle
Date: Saturday, February 16, 2008 11:10 PM

I was shootin some pool last nite, tryin to get my stride back. I haven't been playin much th last year, so I'm not at my fightin weight yet, but I'm workin on it.

There's a whole new crowd of peoples back there in th pool room, who've never seen me shoot, but even tho haven't been shootin and my game's not what it oughta be, I still know which end of th cue to chalk.

So, I'd been playin a few games and shootin jus good enuff to win, and this loud-mouthed young asshole challenged th game and wanted to play fer a beer. I told im I jus wanted to play a friendly game and shoot fer th hell of it. He said,

"Whats'a matter pop? It's only fer a beer. Afraid of losin a few bucks?"

I said,

"Nah, not reely, but I'd rather not play fer th beer. Let's jus keep it simple, eh.

And I ain't yer pop either, Kid!"

He sez,

"So, ya think yer pretty good, but yer afraid to play fer money huh?"

Smart-assed mutherfucker. So I said, real innocent like,

"Ooooh, ya wanta shoot fer some money huh? Oh, well thas different. Yeah, sure, I'll do that. Sheeit, I thought ya were askin to play fer a crummy drink!"

And I pulled some hundred dollar bills outta my back pocket and slapped one down on th table.

"Aw'right dude, ya talked me into it, I'll shoot ya fer th hundred."

I caught im off guard and he was taken aback. Recoverin, he sez,

"What? ya mean ya wanta play fer a hundred dollars?"

I said,

"Well fuck yeah, didn't ya say ya wanted to shoot fer some money? There it is.
Fuck a bunch of crummy beers! So, put up yer hundred and rack em!"

He spluttered and said,

"Well yeah, but I didn't mean that much."

"Yeah, I know what'cha meant. Ya jus wanted to play fer some pocket change, huh? What'sa matter? Ya afraid of losin? I'll play ya fer th hundred or fer nothing? Make up yer mind. One or th other. It's yer choice."

He decided not to bet. Luckily fer his dumb-ass self. He lost six games in a row. Never had a chance. Ya might say, I ripped im a new one! Haha Some games are more satisfyin to win than others and it's eminently more satisfyin to beat some fools than others. I enjoyed myself mightily. Before he left he was callin me Mister. Ha ha

th cap'm

Subject: Keepin Up To Date In Kansas City
Date: Friday, February 15, 2008 5:50 PM

Jus in case ya'll don't know it, this is a special February. Mebbe ya've been on vacation, or off planet, or jus outta touch. Or, mebbe yer jus kinda "slow". No matter. Anyways, March 1st will be comin a day late this year. Thas right, so adjust yer calendars accordingly.

Every leap-year I go out and get drunk on Feb. 29th. And, this year th tradition goes on, as usual. Oh, it's gonna be exciting huh?! I mean, sheeit, all those other days peoples go out and get drunk and stupid on, like, Fat Tuesday, New Years, St. Patty's, yer birthday, etc, etc. come around once a year. But this is only once every 4 years if my calculations are correct, so remember; YEEHAW on Friday th 29th!!!

And a Happy Birthday to all you freeks born on that day!!

th cap'm

P.S. This is neither here nor there, but last nite I overheard a young dude tellin this gurl he was doin a term paper on CANADIA. She seemed duly impressed and wished him well. I thought he might get a better grade doin a paper on CANADA instead, but held my tongue. Not my job to correct th Ignorance of th World, ya know what I mean.

Subject: Doin Th Sroll At Th Mall, or, as they say, "Mall Strollin"
Date: Monday, February 11, 2008 12:54 PM

Yesterday, I happened to stop by Ward Parkway mall and they were havin an indoor art fair. Art has always fascinated me.

As a young dude of 17, I wanted to be a musician, specifically, a tenor sax man. I knew instinctively that I wouldn't be th best, but, I jus wanted to be good enuff to play sax in your average shit-kickin, honky-tonk dive. That woulda been enuff, but sheeit, I was completely bereft of any musical talent. As in, nada fookin bit. Bummer!

Fortunately, I can live my musician's dream life vicariously thru my son, who inherited his mom's musical talent (and mebbe my desire, if such a thing is inheritable) and who has been an accomplished musician fer twenty years now.

So, my second choice was to be an Artist. My first year outta high school, 1959, I went to San Bernardino Valley Jr. College in California and majored in Art. It only took one semester to realize that I had no more artistic talent then I did musical. As a matter of fact, after lookin at other peoples easels in class and seein their work, I knew that after th first week!! There was no latent Picasso lukin inside me. Hell, there wasn't even a Charles Schultz.

But anyway, I have always admired th skill of th Artist, and it still fascinates me how they do what they do. Lookin at all th various booths there I was struck by th niches artists find themselves in. Th various styles and genres they pick to specialize in. Some choose to do landscapes, Others concentrate on portraits. Still others do horses, dogs, airplanes, sci-fi themes, abstract, musical instruments, street scenes, still lifes, etc, etc. Th categories are endless.

By th way, I saw a very large painting, by an artist whose main gig is insects and birds. Thas right, insects too. Beautiful vivid paintings of insects in vibrant colors. And birds. Like a really gifted J.J. Audubon. One in particular was of a Ruby-Breasted Hummingbird in flight with an insect in his beak. It woulda looked super over my mantle and it was only $19,850 bucks. But dammit, I didn't have th jack on me cus I didn't know th fair was even goin on til I got there. I knew by th time I got home and returned with th cash, it woulda been sold already. Sheeit. I was keenly disappointed as I'm sure ya can unnerstan. Remember that lesson boyz and gurlz; don't leave home without yer cash!

And I saw another really striking painting of a wide vista of th plains at nite, in th middle of a spectacular electrical storm, and th lightening literally crackled off th canvas. Ya could almost smell it. But alas, again, I didn't have my attache case of spendin money with me.

So I wound up buyin jus one photo of our famous Strouds chicken joint before it was torn down. A reely cool pic. It's sittin there on th mantle now. Not as awesome as th hummingbird, or th landscape perhaps, but still, in it's own right,

VERY COOL!

th cap'm

Subject: Can't We All Just Get Along; Part 2
Date: Wednesday, February 6, 2008 4:57 PM

It was a cold and nasty day. Earlier this afternoon, fer some strange reason, I had a longing fer either a Big Mac or a Big Whopper. I didn't care which. And altho I had foods here in th crib I coulda eaten, my craving was not to be denied. So in spite of th inclement weathers, I went searchin.

And speakin of cold and nasty, there was snow stuff all over th place. If I was a weather/person I woulda said, "white stuff" in a cutesy kind of fashion. You know how they do that! Why do they fuckin do that? It's SNOW STUFF, godammit! Well, anyway, it was everywhere. All over th place. Heck, ya couldn't even walk without steppin in it. And it was on th streets too. Sheeit.

So, as I was drivin down Main Street, I came across a Burger King first, and that solved th dilemma of which one I was gonna eat. I sat down to enjoy my meal and about halfway thru, some black dude got in an argument with th peoples behind th counter. I don't know what started it, but pretty soon, "Fuck you's" and "mutherfuckers" were flyin all over. About 5 or six of em behind th counter were "mutherfucker'n" him and he was yelling back. This whole drama was not conducive to a pleasant repast, if ya know whut I mean. Sheeit, I shoulda stayed home and ate my hot dog in peace. He was yellin at em that he had already,

"orgasmed wit my ol lady last nite".

Whew! what a relief, eh! Still tho, I wasn't quite sure what bearing that had on th price of rice? Oh well, who said these kinda things had to make any sense anyway??

Then he started threatenin to get physical with em, and then this big fat lady opened up th drawer underneath th register and put her hand in and shreiked in a reel high pitched voice at im,

"C'mon mutherfucker, do it cuz I'm gonna splatter yer brains all over de flo."
and he yelled at her to,

"Go ahead ya fuckin skanky bitch, try it!"

I was hopin like hell she wouldn't tho, cuz he and I were in close proximity, and I knew that splatter was gonna, like, totally ruin my Whopper!! I kinda wolfed down th rest of my burger so I could egress th hell outta there before they started cappin each other. I dutifully put my tray and trash in their proper places and as I left I said,

"Ya'll have a nice day, heah!"

And fer a brief second there was silence, as they all stood there dumbfounded as they all tried to figure out what th hell that meant. But it was only a momentary pause cuz before I reached th door, ten thousand mutherfuckers resumed volleyin back and forth across th room.

I'm gonna check th 6 o'clock news tonite to see how they resolved their differences.

th cap'm

P.S. I don't know why it is, cuz every where I go, there are aways crazy fookin loons lurkin about. Are there reely that many crazies out there? Or, do peoples jus do their "crazy" thing when I'm around? Y'know, like, "Pssst, hey th capms here! Let's go whacko!!"

Subject: Can't We All Just Get Along?
Date: Tuesday, February 5, 2008 4:01 PM

Last nite at closing time, out in th parking lot, this punk hit a friend of mine upside th head witrh a tire iron, splittin his ear wide open.

I immediately threw th penality flag, and cited him fer "unsportsman-like conduct" and penalized him 15 yards! But before I could impose th penalty, he fled th scene, leavin his gurlfriend behind to take th heat, givin ya some kinda idea why I referred to him as a punk. He shoulda been ejected from Life!!

th cap'm

Subject: Re: CANNABIS BIGGER CANCER RISK THAN CIGARETTES
Date: Sunday, February 3, 2008 2:56 PM

Concernin th bit I wrote about th Devil Weed, my buddy Tommy D wrote me back,

"You forgot to mention about the fact it won't cause people to send long ranting E-mails. TD"

I wonder what he meant by that?

Wuz he talkin bout ME?

Whut gives, cus sheeit, I never ranted or raved in my life.

th cap'm

Subject: CANNABIS BIGGER CANCER RISK THAN CIGARETTES
Date: Saturday, February 2, 2008 7:01 PM

My bud, Mike th G sent me an article with that headline. My reply to that notion is, "Oh, Pshaw!". Cus I don't trust th fuckers to ever be straight with us on matters pertainin to th Cannabis. But, if ya would like to see th whole article, lemme know and I'll send it on, but th headline sez it all.

For the last 70 years the "authorities" have been tryin to demonize marijuana with one bullshit myth after another about th dangers of th Devil weed, "reefer". Everything from Insanity and Madness, to life-long addiction, to plants sprayed in mexico with paraquat, a dangerous herbicide, and then distributed in th US anyway, to enlarged breasts in men, to genetic defects, and now they're playing the Cancer card. This is one that, surprisingly, they've overlooked til now. Well, not surprisin I guess, when ya figure that none of th other scare tactics have ever worked.

But sheeit, if they hadn't cried "wolf" so many times before, one might pay a little more attention, but.........we now know better than to trust any bullshit they put out referrin to weed. Sheeit, those of us who been usin all our lives, have found in th past, that we haven't gone Insane, that our breasts didn't grow, that our children weren't born monsters, that in spite of some short term memory loss, we can still go to th grocery store unattended and we still remember our multiplication tables.

I should be dead by now havin smoked weed for 49 years! And tobacco for 46 years too before quitting three years ago. And I'm still here. Course this doesn't mean, I will be here next year too, but, there's no reason to think I wont be. Is there? Huh? What, you know somthin I don't?

To my way of thinkin, it is CRIMINAL to lock some one up fer th use of marijuana, and yet there are currently hundreds of thousands who are incarcerated right now fer that very thing! It's fuckin ridiculous! All th peoples who are ex-cons and convicted felons fer no more than smoking some good weed.

And those fuckers won't back off one inch. Like, 10 or 11 states now allow marijuana fer medical purposes, yet Federal Law, which supersedes State laws, still make it a crime. Think of th absurdity that you can be prescribed morphine for pain, an obviously highly addictive dangerous drug, no question about it, but not marijuana to relieve your glaucoma! It's crazy!

th cap'm

P.S. Here's somthin else all you degenerate dope smokers ought to consider; no pothead has ever won a State Lottery!! Never! And you teeners ought to be aware that pot causes severe, incurable acne. Yer faces will be pitted fer life, but what th hell, get "high" anyway. Pets, especially catz, disdain dopers and won't be affectionate. They can smell that sharp pungent odor, especially from that fresh green stuff, and will go out of their way to avoid you. They wouldn't purr fer ya on a bet. If you should ever miss one of their meals, they'll leave ya in a New Yawk flash! On th other hand, mosquitos and other noxious insects are attracted by th aroma. Pot smokers spend twice as much money on cookies and sweets as "regular" peoples. They also jump off tall buildings in th erroneous belief that they can fly, more often then normal peoples. And never, ever get stoned around yer grandmother if there's an ax nearby, cuz ya don't wanna be doin no mischief to her that ya'll regret later on. Oh yeah, one other minor drawback to weed is; that it not only does NOT increase breast size, but in fact shrinks em and also th other sex organs, but I'm sure thas of no concern to any one. There are plenty products out there to remedy that, eh. Chuckle chuckle.

Subject:Is The Republikan Party Irreparably Splintered?
Date: Saturday, February 2, 2008 4:15 PM

I keep readin how th various factions of th Republikan Party are so far apart in their agendas, that there's no one guy who can appeal to them all. Th Huckabee-ites don't like th McCain-ites or th Romney-ites, and vise versa. Fer further evidence of this chasm, check this little item out in today's paper. This was written by th Arch-Conservative's Arch Conservative. Th Queen Bitch of all Bitches!! This will surprise ya. It sure did me!!

"I'm a Hillary girl now. She lies less than John McCain. She's smarter than John McCain, so when she's caught shamelessly lying, at least the Clintons know they've been caught lying. McCain is so stupid, he doesn't even know he's been caught."

These comments about th Republikan front-runner nominee!!! And this from, no other than, Ms. ANN COULTER herself. Can ya believe that?! I found this amazing! Sounds to me like some political party needs a dose of, "Togetherness"!! Ha ha Kinda makes th squabbles between Hillary and Obama seem tame, doesn't it. But hey, no complaints here. Let em rip each other's throats out fer all I care.

th cap'm

P.S. McCain kinda reminds me of Bob Dole. Both moderate Republicans, both war heroes, both hawkish, both life-long presidential wanna-be's, but both outta touch with th majority of th Amerikan peoples. And seein as how this is McCain's last chance, it couldn't have come at a worse time fer him!!

Subject: Once Again. St. Anthony To Th Rescue
Date: Thursday, January 31, 2008 2:08 PM

Another story of Faith rewarded! I know it's gettin kinda trite usin that line fer th subject, cuz I've prolly used it a half dozen times, but th guy jus keeps on comin thru fer me!!

Ya may recall, in th past I've hipped ya to St. Anthony before. If ya've fergotten. St. Anthony is th patron saint of lost things. Say, like, ya lose yer marbles and yer runnin around jus goofy as can be; St. Anthony will find em fer ya! He has worked with me numerous times over th years, with an extremely high rate of success. OK, now below is part of a message I wrote.

Flashback: Dec. 31st, 2007

**************************************

"Around th same time I lost my shades I also lost a laundry bag containin all my colored T-shirts. In other words, all my T-shirts which aren't white! This includes my Jimi Hendrix, my King Louie bowling shirt, my various bar and booze shirts, my coca cola t-shirt, every fucking colored t-shirt I had. About 25 of em, along with about six pair of colored socks.

Th followin day, after returnin from th laundromat, when I went to select one fer th that evening's ensemble, I couldn't find th bag they were in. How does one misplace a bag of t-shirts? I looked everywhere. And then, I looked everywhere again and again. Nada! I even looked in th freezer. Nope, they weren't there either. Whenever I lose somthin, I always check th refrigerator and freezer, cus sometimes when I'm drunk and stoned I hide things there, and then ferget about em. Do ya'll do that too, boyzs and gurlz?

I'm kinda reluctant to ask fer any "special" help on this project, cuz I don't wanna send Tony out on some wild goose chase, cuz even St. Anthony has his limits. In th past week, I've been preparin myself fer th fact that they're GONE! Never to be seen or worn by me again. SIGH! Sometimes Life can deal us these crushin blows, eh! And some peoples wonder why some peoples do drugs!?"

******************************

OK, flash forward to present time. Jan. 31st, 2008

Aw'right...in spite of my reluctance to get Tony involved here, I did in fact mention to him in passing about my lost bag of T-shirts. This was after he had found my shades. I didn't make a big deal of it; I jus casually mentioned that I would appreciate it if he might look into it at his convenience. In th meantime, I went to th thrift store to replenish my supply of colored T-shirts.

OK.... so last nite about 2 AM, I stopped by th crib on my way to my late nite joint, to "re-boot" myself, so to speak, and while sittin on this big chair, tryin to prepare my "substance," I decided to remove some of th sweaters, jeans, shirts, coats, etc, that I normally drape over th chair. Ya see, th chair functions like an open air walk-by closet. Th original purpose of th chair, as a place to rest one's vessel by "sitting" had been severely compromised. So, I started removin some of th clothes there, when. suddenly, I felt a plastic bag. It was black. I said to myself,

"Hmmm, I don't recall no plastic bag bein there!"

And then again, suddenly, th thought occurred to me,

"NO, no way! It couldn't be!! There's no way it could be TH LOST BAG OF COLORED T-SHIRTS!? Huh? C'mon!"

And so I feverishly began throwin clothes helter-skelter over my shoulders in a mad frenzy until only th black plastic bag remained. I stood there lookin at it fer a few moments, not believin this could actually be TH LOST BAG OF COLORED T-SHIRTS?! And so I slowly, tentatively opened it jus a bit, peekin in afraid of my hopes bein dashed.....and EUREKA! .....ZOUNDS!.... EGADS! Th image of Jimmy Hendrix was starin up at me. My colored t-shirts, all of em, have been on my chair fer th past month buried under a pile of clothes 3 feet away from my Sofa where I live!

Oh, I rejoiced! I swooned even, losin my balance, but fortunately landing on th Sofa. I even put th Hendrix T-shirt on so I could show all th concerned citizens who have expressed their condolences to me, that my T-shirts which were lost, but now they have been found!! And tho I certainly din't need em, I did a couple extra tokes in celebration!

Thanks again St. Anthony, you're always Aces with me!! Remember boyz and gurlz, if ya lose it; call on St. Anthony!!

th cap'm

P.S. I must admit I was a bit disappointed at th reaction of various peoples who I showed my lost T-shirt to. They didn't reely exhibit th kind of joy and exuberance I was expectin. It was pretty much "ho-hum". Well, no matter. My own spirit soars like a buzzard today!

Subject: Don't Be Too Hasty
Date: Monday, January 28, 2008 4:11 PM

About six months ago I had to turn myself in to th medical authorities fer some routine maintenance. I had two x-rays of my back and chest. They sent me a bill fer $114.00 which I promptly paid. A couple weeks later they sent me an additional bill fer those same two x-rays fer $790.00 more. I went thru th roof.

All this happened at Kansas University Med Center. I got those same two x-rays at St. Lukes 3 years ago fer 94.00 and these assholes wanted $900.00 total fer th same thing. They said th first bill was jus fer th doctors to read em. (it took two of em to read em) I told em I would pay em, usin th old cliche, "jus as soon as hell freezes over", and addin an extra "Fuck You!" to emphasize my point!

So, they been buggin me every since. Today I got another piece of mail from em, which I immediately threw into th trash un-opened. But jus fer laffs, I decided to sent it back to em with th aforementioned customary "Fuck You!" greeting in lieu of payment.

Well it turns out that enclosed was a check to Me, from them, fer a $31.00 dollar overcharge?? Say what? I don't know what overcharge they're talkin about, but I'm not askin, since they're claimin I owe em $790.00 bucks more.

Sheeit, I don't know what in th fuck those peoples are doin, but I went and deposited it right away. I'm jus glad I decided to open that, eh? instead of brashly throwin it away. Now, if they'd jus stop callin me 3-4 times a day, we could all live happily ever after.

OK boyz n gurlz, WATCH TH SKIES! And always check yer mail!! Ya never know what surprises might await ya!

th cap'm

Subject: A Comb Too Much
Date: Monday, January 28, 2008 2:42 AM

A Mystery Of Th Minor Variety

When I got home early Sunday morning, I was havin problems pullin my wallet outta my pocket. (well, naturally...I was a drunken loon) My wallet was entangled in some threads in th pocket as was my comb.Th comb is one of those "piks," y'know th kind I mean, like black folks use. It turns out that th threads were entangled in th comb too. It further turns out that there were Three combs in my pocket!

This was strange. I didn't put three combs in my pocket when I left earlier. I know that fer real dude!! This is an absolute Truth!! And th reason why I can state this unequivocally is cuz I only own Two of these combs!!! Of course it's possible I could have inadvertently put my second comb in my pocket, without realizin I already had one there, BUT...th mystery here is; where did th third fuckin comb come from?

Did I at some point in th evening pick some one's pocket of their "pik" without either one of us knowin it? Have I turned into some kinda fiendish zombie pickpocket who specializes in picking other peoples pockets of their piks? I don't understand? Thas not like me. I don't have th kinda rep where, after brief conversations with peoples, they find it necessary to make sure they still have all their accessories on em. They don't pat their pockets down, check their wallets, make sure their watches and rings and piks and so on are still on their person. I never hear any one whisper to others,

"Pssst, be careful, th cap'ms here. Keep an eye out on yer valuables, specially yer piks."

So...where did th Third Comb come from? Is this another one of Dick Nixon's ops? Did one of his goons surreptitiously slip an extra pik in my pocket to cause me this confusion? Does G. Gordon Libby have an alibi? What about E. Howard Hunt? Jus how deep does this conspiracy go? Perhaps th third comb was sprayed with some kinda "silly powder" which would be absorbed by my hair, sinkin down into th follicles and gradually seep into my brain causin me to act silly and irrationally? And if yer sayin,

"Oh pshaw cap'm, there's no conspiracy here. There's gotta be a logical explanation."

OK, fine! So...where in th fuck-all DID th third comb come from? Huh? Where?

th cap'm

P.S. In th mean time, I tried to make some lemonade outta this mess, but got nowhere with that. (well sheeit, how ya gonna make lemonade outta plastic combs any way?) So instead of lemonade, now I'm tryin to figure out a way I can utilise all three combs at th same time, thereby reducing th number of combing strokes necessary to groom myself. Kinda like th 3-4 razor blade theory. Whatever hairs are missed by th first comb, th second will get, and what ever hairs are left, th third one will get. Ya get th pic? Thus savin myself precious moments that could be better spent here on th Sofa, contemplatin th Mysteries of Life.

Subject: Are You A Liberal Or A Conservative?
Date: Thursday, January 24, 2008 4:46 PM

If you want to know where you land on the scale this is a quick little quiz. It doesn't just say liberal or conservative - it is much better than that. The results are interesting and it only takes a couple of minutes to do. check it out.

By th way, I'm a staunch LIBERAL! In case ya didn't know that already. haha

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html

Subject: A Couple Ideas From Th Cap'm
Date: Thursday, January 24, 2008 4:22 PM

# 1: I'm thinkin of makin some runnin shoes usin th same stuff they made those "superballs" out of. Ya recall those little rubber balls that bounced almost as high as they were dropped from? Well, think of th "bounce" that would give th runnin freaks as they bound thru th streets. Sneak a pair of em on to a white basketball player, and shock those who maintain white peoples can't jump. Whooeeee, he be throwin that rock DOWN into th net!!

#2: OK, Packaging: how bout sellin boxes of cereal that are actually full of cereal, instead of air. That huge box of cereal is actually only half full, but it looks really big doesn't it? OK, don't be fooled boyz n gurlz. It appears yer buyin a reely big box, but it's mostly empty space! But if ya made that box jus big enuff to hold th cereal itself, think of th money you would save in transportation alone. You could ship twice as many boxes in th same truck as before. Shelf space in stores would double. Plus, ya eliminate th cost of that extra cardboard! I read several years ago that a cereal box had 8 cents worth of cereal in it, but th box itself costs 39 cents. Fuck all that extraneous shit! Of course this could work, not with jus cereal, but any packaged product. Sheeit, half that bottle of aspirin ya buy is jus cotton, to keep th things from rattlin around durin shipment I spose. Why not jus make th container half as big and reduce th cost of th container and th cotton!? Huh? Why not?

I call this Reality Packaging. Stop chargin us fer Illusions.... lower yer prices.... and jus charge us fer Product.

Hmmm, hey kids, ya ever get th idea ya may be in th presence of Greatness?
th cap'm

P.S. Earlier today I saw a dude standin on th corner holdin a sign that said, "Need money for tobacco and alcohol research project." Two worthy causes I thought merited a small donation.

Subject:Worst President Ever?
Date: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 3:58 PM

For those peoples who may believe that George Bush is th worst President in of all time, and before ya condemn him to th landfill of history, ya might wanna review this list of some of his accomplishments first. It's pretty impressive!! Then make up yer mind. This sent to me from my bud, th Stagford.

**********************
Bush's resume
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. I took off the entire month of August then I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004

*****************

WHEW! Pretty staggerin, huh?! I hope this might help ya decide where you think his place oughta be!

th cap'm

P.S. Please note tho that this list doesn't include his many more accomplishments in th last three years.

Subject: Genesis Of A JD (juvenile delinquent)
Date: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:43 PM

Did'ja ever see th 1955 movie, The Wild One with Marlon Brando and Lee Marvin? That movie turned me into a JD. I was 14 then, livin in San Bernardino, CA. in th 9th grade, and that was th coolest movie I had ever seen. I wanted to be jus like Johnny. I wanted to be a Rebel. (I still do Ha ha) I wanted to wail too. I wanted to be hep, daddy-o.

Within a week after seein that flick, I bought a black leather motorcycle jacket, with all th zippers and pockets and some black motorcycle boots. We called em, "stompin boots". Combed my hair in th DA style (duck's ass) and wore my collars turned up in th back. We wore our Levis low on our butts (take note hip-hoppers this was th '50s) and cut th belt loops off of em.

Didn't wear no khaki slacks with little belts in th back. No Princeton haircuts, with th part already shaved in. Wasn't no preppie pussy. Wasn't no "square". I was one of th school's "hoody" guys. I was Bad!! Ha ha We always got drunk and rowdy at th sock hops, gettin in fights with th jocks.

Durin intermission at th theatre, we used to lean against th walls, with one foot braced against th wall puffin away, blowin th smoke out in a slow defiant kinda way, employin th bad-ass style of cradlin th cig in th same fashion ya hold a roach, eyeballin anybody who looked at us wrong.

"What'chu lookin at?!"

It took a lotta Brylcream and effort to maintain that slick wet look too. Ya stood there in front of th mirror, legs akimbo, pelvis thrust slightly forward, glidin that comb slowly thru yer hair, with jus th hint of a sneer. Elvis could do a really boss sneer. I tried copyin his style but it didn't work out very well on me. One nite at th Friday nite flik, when my amigo and I were standin there in front of th mirror, tryin to get everything, "just so" my bud looked at me and said,

"Why you got that goofy look on yer face?"

I retorted,

"Say what? What'chu talkin bout? What goofy look?"

He said,

"Yer mouth is all twisted up. Ya look stupid!"

I said,

"Hey fuck you asshole!"

And we shoved each other back and forth a couple times. I thought we were goin to Knuckle City, but th attendant stepped in between us. Later that evening when I got home, I was practicin my sneer in th mirror, and I realized; th dude was Right! I did look stupid! So, after that, I dropped th sneer from my act altogether.

Course, on reflection today, ya gotta kinda smirk at a 14 y/o punk wearin such a get-up and thinkin he's cool, and a bad ass too, eh?! But sheeit, it was th '50s, y'dig! We were jus doin our best toi be cool and hep. I try and keep that mental image in my mind every time I see a young teenage dude struttin around with his big baggy pants barely coverin his butt and a t-shirt that comes down to his knees,and all th other accoutrements that comprise th "cool" look of today. I try not to be judgemental and go,

"What th fuck is with these young peoples anyway? Don't they know how stupid they look!?"

And even tho we obviously looked cool, whereas they jus look Dumb, Ha ha they prolly think they look cool too, y'know what I mean!? And some of this slang they use daddy-o, I mean, it's so lame. Word up!!

But sheeit, most of em will grow outta it. As fer myself, as I got older and more mature (about th time I was 16) I would'na been caught dead lookin like that anymore.

Today I see all kinds'a young cats and chiks wearin those same things. Ah KIDS, y'know. DANG, I wish Id'a kept mine now! Sheeit, I coulda been Cool all over again!

th cap'm

Subject: A Better World Thru Shower-Water Temperature Control (and much more)
Date: Thursday, January 17, 2008 5:24 PM

Last nite I was eavesdroppin on a young couple sittin next to me. It sounded like first date kinda material. He was mightily tryin to impress her and goin to great lengths to explain how he planned to make a difference in people's lives, and at th same time to become obscenely rich. That way he could actually do GOOD, and yet enjoy his yachts without feelin guilty bout anything.

I will try and summarize his ambitions without goin into great detail. (like he did)

He told her of th hassle of takin a shower and havin to adjust th water temp to a comfortable level. It's too Cold, so ya give it a bit more Hot....ooops too much, back off on th Hot a bit....and back and forth, until ya finally get it jus so. Yeah, right, oh what a hassle! Who amongst us hasn't confronted this dilemma before?

His plan, involved installin his system of temp controlled showers in every new hotel and building built in th future. One would simply dial up th desired temp and within 31 seconds, no more foolin around. It would maintain that temp. Note thas 31 seconds to achieve desired temp, so it seems that he's reely thought this thing out eh?! (accordin to my calculations it would actually take 31.35 seconds, but I'm not gonna nit-pick)

When he finished elaborating, she mentioned that she thought there were already such systems in place. Undeterred, this bit of info only stalled him fer a second, cuz he replied that his Genius was in th fact that He was gonna be th one to exploit th idea. He was th one who was goin to make it BIG. He was goin to be th Water Temperature Control Czar Of The World !

Personally, I think th dude is on to somthin! I think it's a capitol idea. Like, there's an un-tapped world market out there fer such a system, cuz, outta th 7 billions of peoples on th planet, how many currently enjoy such a necessity?

There are shanty towns and slums all over th world in such places as Sao Paulo. Bangkok, Cairo, Ethiopia, Bangladesh, and on and on who are bereft of such things. Shocking, ya say? No, it's true! Heck, right here in th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, there are many peoples livin under bridges in card board boxes who are lacking these basic human needs. All their showers have to be adjusted th old-fashioned way. It's a New World kids!!

So...to all th Gloomheads out there, it jus goes to show ya, that some peoples aren't buyin all those Doomsday scenarios and are actually tryin to change things fer th betterment of all Humankind. And jus last nite, I sat right next to one of th Visionaries whose gonna change all that!

Ya ever feel like yer in th presence of Greatness boyz and gurlz? I hope that gurlie was as impressed with that dude's "up and at em" attitude as I was. He's gonna make his mark on th world!!

th cap'm

Subject: Homage To Steven Wright
Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2008 8:00 PM

Do ya'll remember Steven Wright, th comedian? I haven't heard much from him lately. I don't know if he's still performin or not. If ya remember, he was th comic who jus stood there and delivered his lines in a montone voice, and with a completely deadpan expression. I always thought of him as th intelligent person's comic. Just imagine him saying these things with absolutely no expression. You get the picture?

*********

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was an only child... eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... then I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Sure, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My school colors were clear.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the entire evening in ten minutes.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store...'

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, 'the whole time.'

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

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I'll take Steven over th Cable Guy any day, but Lewis Black is my all-time favorite!

th cap'm