Subject: Genesis Of A JD (juvenile delinquent)
Date: Monday, January 21, 2008 8:43 PM

Did'ja ever see th 1955 movie, The Wild One with Marlon Brando and Lee Marvin? That movie turned me into a JD. I was 14 then, livin in San Bernardino, CA. in th 9th grade, and that was th coolest movie I had ever seen. I wanted to be jus like Johnny. I wanted to be a Rebel. (I still do Ha ha) I wanted to wail too. I wanted to be hep, daddy-o.

Within a week after seein that flick, I bought a black leather motorcycle jacket, with all th zippers and pockets and some black motorcycle boots. We called em, "stompin boots". Combed my hair in th DA style (duck's ass) and wore my collars turned up in th back. We wore our Levis low on our butts (take note hip-hoppers this was th '50s) and cut th belt loops off of em.

Didn't wear no khaki slacks with little belts in th back. No Princeton haircuts, with th part already shaved in. Wasn't no preppie pussy. Wasn't no "square". I was one of th school's "hoody" guys. I was Bad!! Ha ha We always got drunk and rowdy at th sock hops, gettin in fights with th jocks.

Durin intermission at th theatre, we used to lean against th walls, with one foot braced against th wall puffin away, blowin th smoke out in a slow defiant kinda way, employin th bad-ass style of cradlin th cig in th same fashion ya hold a roach, eyeballin anybody who looked at us wrong.

"What'chu lookin at?!"

It took a lotta Brylcream and effort to maintain that slick wet look too. Ya stood there in front of th mirror, legs akimbo, pelvis thrust slightly forward, glidin that comb slowly thru yer hair, with jus th hint of a sneer. Elvis could do a really boss sneer. I tried copyin his style but it didn't work out very well on me. One nite at th Friday nite flik, when my amigo and I were standin there in front of th mirror, tryin to get everything, "just so" my bud looked at me and said,

"Why you got that goofy look on yer face?"

I retorted,

"Say what? What'chu talkin bout? What goofy look?"

He said,

"Yer mouth is all twisted up. Ya look stupid!"

I said,

"Hey fuck you asshole!"

And we shoved each other back and forth a couple times. I thought we were goin to Knuckle City, but th attendant stepped in between us. Later that evening when I got home, I was practicin my sneer in th mirror, and I realized; th dude was Right! I did look stupid! So, after that, I dropped th sneer from my act altogether.

Course, on reflection today, ya gotta kinda smirk at a 14 y/o punk wearin such a get-up and thinkin he's cool, and a bad ass too, eh?! But sheeit, it was th '50s, y'dig! We were jus doin our best toi be cool and hep. I try and keep that mental image in my mind every time I see a young teenage dude struttin around with his big baggy pants barely coverin his butt and a t-shirt that comes down to his knees,and all th other accoutrements that comprise th "cool" look of today. I try not to be judgemental and go,

"What th fuck is with these young peoples anyway? Don't they know how stupid they look!?"

And even tho we obviously looked cool, whereas they jus look Dumb, Ha ha they prolly think they look cool too, y'know what I mean!? And some of this slang they use daddy-o, I mean, it's so lame. Word up!!

But sheeit, most of em will grow outta it. As fer myself, as I got older and more mature (about th time I was 16) I would'na been caught dead lookin like that anymore.

Today I see all kinds'a young cats and chiks wearin those same things. Ah KIDS, y'know. DANG, I wish Id'a kept mine now! Sheeit, I coulda been Cool all over again!

th cap'm

Subject: A Better World Thru Shower-Water Temperature Control (and much more)
Date: Thursday, January 17, 2008 5:24 PM

Last nite I was eavesdroppin on a young couple sittin next to me. It sounded like first date kinda material. He was mightily tryin to impress her and goin to great lengths to explain how he planned to make a difference in people's lives, and at th same time to become obscenely rich. That way he could actually do GOOD, and yet enjoy his yachts without feelin guilty bout anything.

I will try and summarize his ambitions without goin into great detail. (like he did)

He told her of th hassle of takin a shower and havin to adjust th water temp to a comfortable level. It's too Cold, so ya give it a bit more Hot....ooops too much, back off on th Hot a bit....and back and forth, until ya finally get it jus so. Yeah, right, oh what a hassle! Who amongst us hasn't confronted this dilemma before?

His plan, involved installin his system of temp controlled showers in every new hotel and building built in th future. One would simply dial up th desired temp and within 31 seconds, no more foolin around. It would maintain that temp. Note thas 31 seconds to achieve desired temp, so it seems that he's reely thought this thing out eh?! (accordin to my calculations it would actually take 31.35 seconds, but I'm not gonna nit-pick)

When he finished elaborating, she mentioned that she thought there were already such systems in place. Undeterred, this bit of info only stalled him fer a second, cuz he replied that his Genius was in th fact that He was gonna be th one to exploit th idea. He was th one who was goin to make it BIG. He was goin to be th Water Temperature Control Czar Of The World !

Personally, I think th dude is on to somthin! I think it's a capitol idea. Like, there's an un-tapped world market out there fer such a system, cuz, outta th 7 billions of peoples on th planet, how many currently enjoy such a necessity?

There are shanty towns and slums all over th world in such places as Sao Paulo. Bangkok, Cairo, Ethiopia, Bangladesh, and on and on who are bereft of such things. Shocking, ya say? No, it's true! Heck, right here in th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, there are many peoples livin under bridges in card board boxes who are lacking these basic human needs. All their showers have to be adjusted th old-fashioned way. It's a New World kids!!

So...to all th Gloomheads out there, it jus goes to show ya, that some peoples aren't buyin all those Doomsday scenarios and are actually tryin to change things fer th betterment of all Humankind. And jus last nite, I sat right next to one of th Visionaries whose gonna change all that!

Ya ever feel like yer in th presence of Greatness boyz and gurlz? I hope that gurlie was as impressed with that dude's "up and at em" attitude as I was. He's gonna make his mark on th world!!

th cap'm

Subject: Homage To Steven Wright
Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2008 8:00 PM

Do ya'll remember Steven Wright, th comedian? I haven't heard much from him lately. I don't know if he's still performin or not. If ya remember, he was th comic who jus stood there and delivered his lines in a montone voice, and with a completely deadpan expression. I always thought of him as th intelligent person's comic. Just imagine him saying these things with absolutely no expression. You get the picture?

*********

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was an only child... eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... then I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Sure, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My school colors were clear.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the entire evening in ten minutes.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store...'

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, 'the whole time.'

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

*****************

I'll take Steven over th Cable Guy any day, but Lewis Black is my all-time favorite!

th cap'm

Subject: Polls. What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothin!!!
Date: Monday, January 14, 2008 4:06 PM

If ya ever wondered jus how accurate these polls that are constantly bein referred to in th media are, th debacle last week in New Hampshire oughta settle that one fer ya.

Every single solitary one of em had Obama ahead by 8-12 %. Th pundits and talkin heads were already dismissing Clinton's campaign as OVER, before they even started voting. After comin in second in Iowa and New Hampshire, fr'chrissake, it was suggested that Hillary might as well fold her tent, and slink off into th night. Ditto JC. Perhaps she and McCain could go off and get steeenkeeng sloshed and commiserate with each other.

But...then...OOOPS, it turned out they were WRONG. Damn! Same with those other guys; th ones McCain runs with. (whose name we do not speak in polite company haha) It's my contention that pollsters are former weather/persons who were given th axe fer their, shall we say, rather less than inaccurate predictions.

They looked around fer another gig, and, voila, they became predictors of political events, cuz it hardly matters whether yer right or wrong; peoples jus wanta know what th polls say.

Me, I'm thinkin, they can take those polls and stick em right up their ass!! At least there, mebbe they can serve th function of stoppin th flow of bullshit emanatin from em!!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cycle Of Life (not to be confused with th bi-cycle)
Date: Friday, January 11, 2008 8:29 PM

From my buddy, th Hendersonian.

A young child is born, the baby lives. The parents say this is good and the Zen master said we shall see. As years pass the boy has troubled times and the parents say this is bad.

The Zen master says, we shall see.

Ah so.

th cap'm

Subject: A Comparison Of Sorts
Date: Friday, January 11, 2008 7:59 PM

I read jus recently where it's estimated that 151,000 Iraqis have been killed since we invaded and occupied their country to save them from th wrath of their evil dictator Saddam Hussein, and to give them th Democracy they've always wanted waaay deep down in their hearts. Evidently so far waay down in their hearts, they weren't even aware of their yearnings.

Now, supposin some country invaded us seeking to find and destroy our WMDs. Well, of course, they'd still be lookin cuz we had thousands and thousands of em, scattered all over th place and ya jus don't round em all up in one day, and it's a big country too, y'know.

But shortly after occupying us, they would have unleashed th bitter hatreds among th two major factions here, th Republicans and th Democrats. In th past th only thing keepin em from rippin out each others throats was th central government. Now, with that power in shambles, they would be bombin and killin each other like there was no tomorrow.

"Eat lead ya dirty rat neo-cons!!"

"Have a bomb-burger with those fries ya donkey-ass mutherfuckers!!"

Five years after th occupation, some cities would have electricity and drinking water a few hours a day. So far, 1,800,000 Amerikans would have been killed as a result of internecine clashes and battles with th occupiers. But, what th hell, Peace comes with a Price, y'dig.

th cap'm

P.S. I must say I find it a bit amusin how Geo. Bush can tell th Israelis, lookin em right in th eye without a Cheshire Cat grin, how they must stop their Occupation of Palestinian lands if there is to be Peace in th Middle East, without breakin out into a mischievous snicker. I mean, how does he do it?

Subject: Justice
Date: Wednesday, January 9, 2008 7:51 PM

Earlier today I confronted th Authorities on th scurrilous charges of "Illegal Dumping" they had levelled against me. I reminded them th Bill Of Rights guaranteed every Amerkan th right to throw their trash in State Authorized Trash Cans.

I warned them if they continued to press this attack on my civil rights. I would engage in a War of Hooliganism against th State. I threatened acts of Civil Disobedience such as, crossing against red lights, throwin candy wrappers out of my car, walkin on grass in prohibited areas, blatant jaywalkin; I even threatened to stop shovellin snow from my sidewalk. (as a matter of fact I haven't shovelled snow in over 25 years, but they don't need to know that hehe)

They were Shocked and Awed at th extent of my reprisals. After a hasty call to th Governor, they agreed to drop charges if I agreed to be Civil. And so, a lasting (hopefully) Peace was achieved.

And they all lived happily ever after.

th cap'm

P.S. Don'cha like happy endings boyz and gurlz!

Subject: Goin On Th Lam
Date: Tuesday, January 8, 2008 5:25 PM

Yesterday th mail/person knocked on my door. Told me I had to sign fer a registered letter. Th letter was from th Parks Dept. I thought, "Parks Dept. What th fu.....?"

So, when I opened it, it said that, as a result of items found in one of th trash barrels at Loose Park, with my name and address on em, I was accused of "illegal dumping"! It cautioned that I was subject "to one year imprisonment and a fine of 1,000 dollars." Whoooie! Sheeit.

This, because I put some trash in a trash barrel?! So, like... jus what th fuck are they fer anyway? I don't quite understand how they get, "illegal dumping " outta that? I'm expectin th Swat Squad any moment. I'm wonderin how long I can hold em off with my pea shooter. And when I say pea shooter I'm not talkin bout a small caliber handgun either. I'm literally talkin pea shooter, y'know, like, spitballs. (see, last nite in th saloon they had a small spitball war goin on and I had to defend myself, y'dig!? That gives ya a little clue as to th brand of sophisticated, suave clientele that frequent that joint. haha) I jus hope they don't deploy that armored tank, cus, like, what kinda chance do I have, with only a pea shooter? How long can I keep em at bay with that? Oooh, I think this is gonna have an ugly ending.

Well anyway, ya might not be hearin from me fer a while kids, cuz, like, if they don't pop me tonight, I'm gonna take th 4:10 to Yuma tomorrow, and then from there, to Costa Rica. Damn, a fugitive once again. Sheeit. I wonder what kinda extradition agreements we got with th Ticos? (costa ricans) If they send one of those teams from th Unit after me, Im fucked!

OK, boyz and gurlz, here's th deal; ya can learn from th capt's mistakes.

DON'T PUT YER TRASH IN TRASH CANS! DON'T DO THAT!!

Instead, find yerselves a vacant lot some place, or mebbe a city park; do yer dumpin thing, then egress th fuck outta there right pronto fast as ya can. I would further suggest, some kinda ninja outfit, with a black ski mask to complete yer ensemble. Word on th street is, thas very cool, too!

Next time ya hear from me I'll be sayin, "Hola

th cap'm

Subject: It's Not Easy Bein Cool
Date: Tuesday, January 8, 2008 4:21 PM

As ya might recall, part of my New Year's Resolution Package included bein, "cooler, hipper, suaver, smoother".

As ya might also recall, towards that end I upgraded my "threads" on Sunday. So I figured last nite that I would wear one of my "new" shirts, y'know, jus to kinda let peoples know there was a new cap'm afoot. I selected a nice black sweater fer my debut.

Now, recently I read where cool guys were not only not discardin th sales tag, but were leavin em intact; were in fact, flauntin em! So, in my efforts to raise my coolness factor, I left th pink piece of paper stapled to th front of my sweater. It had an "L" in red crayon, and underneath that, $4.99 in red crayon but with a blue crayon slash thru it and under that $2.49 in blue crayon. (with my Sunday discount, further reducin th final price to $1.99) I thought, "Thas cool!"

So, I sauntered into th saloon expectin Accolades and Cheers. Y'know, mebbe a small round of applause or somthin. Instead.... what I got was Insults and Jeers! One of my amigos took one look at me and guffawed,

"Yo, cap'm, ya fergot to remove th tag on yer sweater!"

I said, "I know that you Dolt. It's th hip thing, tho. All th cool dudes do it."

And he started laffin and shakin his head and said,

"Yeah dude, but they leave th $550.00 dollar tags on em from Gucci, not tags stapled on em from th thrift store."

and I said,

"Oh."

and I felt a bit foolish, if y'know what I mean. So I sez,

"Well...um...I was jus...uh ..y'know tryin to be hipper and cooler in '08."

And he chortled again and said,

"But cap'm yer already hip an cool."

"Gee, ya reely think so? Gosh, yer swell. I was jus tryin to move it up a bit, y'know."

he said, "Follow me, I'll fix ya up."

So, like, we went in th kitchen and he used one of th shanks there to remove th offendin tag and he said.

"There! Now ya look cool dude!"

And I said,

"Aw shucks, really?"

And he said,

"No worries!"

which my friend Harlene told me while breakin bread together this afternoon, is th newest hip way of sayin, "No problem." which as ya know can mean, "Thank you." or "You're welcome." or a myriad of other things too.

Well, anyway, like I said, it's not easy bein cool. We learn from our mistakes, eh. From now on, I'm gonna make sure I remove th tags from my clothes before I leave th crib. It's cool!

th cap'm

Subject: Another Pothole In Th Third Millennium Hiway
Date: Monday, January 7, 2008 4:30 PM

TEN THOUSAND AND FIVE CURSES!!! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

Aw'right, never mind, make that an even Ten Thousand Curses! Friday nite after closin time at Mikes, I stopped by my crib to relieve myself on my journey to my late nite spot, and to also to take a med. Bein fairly drunken and fucked up, and after a successful yet somewhat splashy conclusion of my business, I was swayin and leanin this way and that, tryin to maintain my perpendicularity. I stood there and grabbed my pill container off th top of th commode, and while I was tryin to get th damned cap off that cursed child-proof bottle, I dropped th whole fookin bottle right there into th toilet. SPLASH! Th Horror!! GASP!

As I stood there shocked and stunned, unbelieving, my very first thought was,

"I wonder if.......?"

But then, cooler voices prevailed,

"Nah, I dun't think so!"

Gosh darn it to all heck! I was annoyed and irritated. After a short while, I realized good guzzlin time was bein wasted and there was only one thing to do, so I hit th handle and watch my whole stash swirl around and around and then disappear into th bowels of th earth. Sheeit. It was like, deja vu. It had been 39 years since I had done anything similar. 1969 to be exact.

Altho that time I flushed them away on purpose. It was intentional. See, I was trippin, y'know what I mean, and to make a long story short, I was paranoid and thought my crib was bein raided. I had already placed all my goods on top of th commode, and when I felt I couldn't waste any more time, cuz I didn't wanna get popped with all that stuff, I hit th flusher, and watched as several thousand dollars worth of product went literally down th drain. Oh what a bummer that was! (to use an expression of th time) not to mention th financial loss, which was considerable at th time. When th realization struck me that I had acted rather precipitously, (and downright stupidily) and I thought of th consequences, I shrieked out a string of cuss words out loud. Reel loud!

Now, fast forward to th next Milinnium. Here we go again. Sheeit. There's jus somthin reel depressin to watch perfectly good drugs goin to waste, ya'know what I mean, I wonder if there's some way I can hold th designer of th bottle legally responsible, not only fer my actual loss, but make em pay fer th severe emotional damage I've suffered. Sheeit, fat chance, eh?! They'd prolly jus suggest I hire some kid to open my bottles fer me.

OK, boyz and gurlz, what lesson did we learn from all this? What measures can we take in th future to make sure this kinda tragedy never happens again? Oh sure, I spose I could stop drinking! Yeah, right. Ha ha Get fuckin Real, huh! No seriously. I'm always open fer ideas.

Mebbe I should keep my pill bottles in th closet or somthin? Sheeit, I dunno.
This whole episode got me to wonderin jus why th Cosmic Powers That Be's, got it in fer me? (what? me paranoid?) Whad I do, huh? Looky here, jus last week they snatched my laundry bad full of my colored t-shirts, and now they had my meds flushed away? Hey Guyz, how's bout it huh? What say ya step off!! Give th cap'm some slack here Yo!!! (when dealin with Cosmic Forces, ya gotta be firm!)

th cap'm

Subject: Takin Care Of Bidness
Date: Sunday, January 6, 2008 4:40 PM

Lately I've been feelin that my winter wardrobe was deficient. I've been experiencin what is know as, "th Wintertime Sartorial Blues". Today I decided: Enuff! I decided to remedy th situation; so I went shopping.

I have now added 7 dress shirts, 9 colored t-shirts, 6 sweaters, 4 pair of jeans, and 2 dress slacks. Whew! It set me back 61 bucks. Ouch. But hey, sometimes, cost be damned, eh, cuz ya gotta do what ya gotta do! If ya would like to upgrade yer closet, I suggest th Major Thrift store at 47th and County Line Rd, just around th corner from Oklahoma Joe's. 20% off on Sundays.

th cap'm

Subject: Finally! A Sensible Work Out Program
Date: Thursday, January 3, 2008 5:22 PM

My good buddy Vegas Judy sent this my way. This is just what I was lookin fer.

My shaman has suggested that I get up off my sofa more often and engage in some kind of exercise. He said it would help to increase my circulation. But, sheeit, I circulate pretty freely right now.

Well, anyway, this program sounds like it was designed specifically fer me. I'm goin to start jus as soon as I pick up th necessary equipment. Of course workin out is always easier if ya got some workout partners so, if yer interested get in touch. We can work out here in my crib and bulk out together. Th Program as per Judy follows.

*****************

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Good Luck,

Judy

***************

How fookin sensible can ya get, huh!! By th way, this program is not jus fer geezers and wheezers, you younger peoples can do this too if ya'll jus get up off yer asses and give it a shot!!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Capm's Thought Provokin Thought Fer Th Day
Date: Wednesday, January 2, 2008 4:26 PM

"Sometimes yer th Bug,

And sometimes yer th Windshield!!"

(i told ya it was some good shit bzzzz)

th cap'm

Subject: Finally, Some Recognition
Date: Wednesday, January 2, 2008 4:15 PM

I have been buyin th McDonald's product since 1954 in San Bernardino, California. If ya don't have yer calculator handy boyz and gurlz, thas like, 54 years. I couldn't even begin to estimate how many burgers and fries that would be, but it would be a lot, thas fer sure! Today, after all this time, they finally showed me a bit of appreciation.

After purchasin my BigMac, when I got home and dug into my bag, some thoughtful person had left in th bottom, in a nice cellophane pouch, three lovely buds of some very high quality weed. I know it was high quality, cuz I sampled it already. And it was GOOD! And by th way, that Big Mac was about as tasty as they come too. Oh, I wanna tell ya; it was muy delicioso. So, thanks Ronald, I'll be back tomorrow...jus in case. He he

th cap'm

P.S. Now, I'm jus reclinin here on th Sofa, sated and content, my belly full and my head buzzin. bzzzzzz

Subject: New Year's Resolutions
Date: Tuesday, January 1, 2008 1:37 PM

Normally I don't fool around with this kinda nonsense. I have always considered NY's resolutions to be silly and meaningless gestures and a waste of good time that could be better spent lyin about here on th sofa. However in my efforts to get "IN th box", and be more "mainstream," I'm changing my policy this year. Therefore, this year 2008 anno Domini,

I RESOLVE to,

Be Cooler,
Be Hipper,
Be Suaver,
Be Smoother.
(why do we set such lofty, unattainable goals fer ourselves?)

Oh yeah, on a more practical note, I further resolve to,

Return Books To Th Library On Time,
and,
To Clean Th Gate's BBQ Sauce Off My Floor and Walls. (I had another of those cap-flies-off-while-vigorously-shakin-th-bottle mishaps last week)

On th other hand, I RESOLVE NOT TO,

Run Bicyclist Off Th Roads,
Slam On My Brakes To Discourage Tail-gaters,
Throw Bottles At Drivers Who Abuse Their Cell Phones,
Stop Yelling, "Get Th Fuck Off Th Streets You Stupid Mutherfuckers" To Joggers, Pedestrians, etc, etc,
Sneer and Be Surly!

And, oh yeah, not to,

Cook With Fire After 3 AM.

What about you boyz and gurls? Did you makes some Resolutions too?

th cap'm

Subject: Just A Reminder!!
Date: Monday, December 31, 2007 12:33 PM

Ok, boyz and gurlz, it's that time of th year again, so remember: at 12 o'clock be sure and set yer calendars ahead one year. Don't be a laggard; Do it now, so you won't forget!!

Oh yeah, one more important thing:

Bail Money!

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!!

th capt

This has been another public service announcement brought to you courtesy of th Cap'm.

Subject: Once Again. St. Anthony To Th Rescue
Date: Monday, December 31, 2007 12:21 AM

Ya may recall, in th past I've hipped ya to St. Anthony before. If ya've fergotten. St. Anthony is th patron saint of lost things. Say, like, ya lose yer marbles; St. Anthony will find em fer ya! He has worked with me numerous times over th years, with an extremely high rate of success.

Now, ya might object and say somthin like,

"Y'know cap'm, I don't go in fer all that mumbo-jumbo."

I'm with ya there bro, but th fact is; he takes care of bizness. There's no explainin it thru Reason or Rationale. It works! Now, ya might object again and say somthin, like,

"Well, like, I'm not Catholic, why would he help th likes of me?"

I can only tell ya; that ain't a problem, believe me! St. Anthony is an equal opportunity finder. He don't care whether ya be Jewish or a papist hatin Baptist! He don't give a twit. He finds stuff fer ya if ya ask im. And ya don't gotta get down on yer knees, ya don't gotta sacrifice any goats or bulls or any other kinda animals. Thas why he's got th PETA Seal Of Approval. All ya gotta do is ask im in a civil kinda way, always acknowledgin that nothin is guaranteed in Life! God knows, he certainly has grounds to refuse helpin me, and yet, he almost always comes thru fer me. On several occasions, it took more than six months, but, in th end, he produced!!

Like, jus last week, I lost my shades. They're like a permanent part of me. I don't feel complete without em. I only takes these off to sleep, and not always then. They were missin fer four days. I was beginnin to think they were gone fer good. I was beginnin to start thinkin bout how I was gonna be able to go on without em. Th idea was depressin! Then, I decided to ask my good buddy, ol St. Tony. So, I sez,

"Hey, looky here St. Anthony, This is th Captain speakin. Ya'know, ya've always been Aces with me, and ya've helped me on a number of occasions. Ya remember that lion's head ring ya found fer me and, that 500 bucks I misplaced, and that formica table, yeah those were all me, but here's th deal, I've currently gone and lost my shades, yeah, those blue tinted ones, and I'd be much obliged if ya could give me an assist, eh. Y'know, whenever ya get around to it, OK?!"

Aw'right, it was that simple. Now, I'm not jivin ya one bit, I found those steeenking glasses not five minutes later, under a huge pile of dirty clothes. Don't even bother askin me how they got there, cuz I don't have th slightest idea. Th important thing is; they're perched on my nose right now!!!!

Around th same time I lost my shades I also lost a laundry bag containin all my colored T-shirts. In other words, all my T-shirts which aren't white! This includes my Jimi Hendrix, my King Louie bowling shirt, my various bar and booze shirts, my coca cola t-shirt, every fucking colored t-shirt I had. About 25 of em, along with about six pair of colored socks.

Th followin day, after returnin from th laundromat, when I went to select one fer th that evening's ensemble, I couldn't find th bag they were in. How does one misplace a bag of t-shirts? I looked everywhere. And then, I looked everywhere again and again. Nada! I even looked in th freezer. Nope, they weren't there either. Whenever I lose somthin, I always check th refrigerator and freezer, cus sometimes when I'm drunk and stoned I hide things there, and then ferget about em. Do ya'll do that too, boyzs and gurlz?

I'm kinda reluctant to ask fer any "special" help on this project, cuz I don't wanna send Tony out on some wild goose chase, cuz even St. Anthony has his limits. In th past week, I've been preparin myself fer th fact that they're GONE! Never to be seen or worn by me again. SIGH! Sometimes Life can deal us these crushin blows, eh! And some peoples wonder why some peoples do drugs!?

th cap'm

P.S. Mebbe there's fodder there fer some kinda inspirational story of th type Reader's Digest might like, y'know, how a guy picks up th shattered pieces of his life, and triumphs over adversity. hmmm