joe dreck
Jan. 02, 2007

Joe Dreck, the Captain, has a special
rapport with The Ronald.
Email
capt_duderino@webtv.net.

Subject: Th Capm's Thought Provokin Thought Fer Th Day
Date:
Wednesday, January 2, 2008 4:26 PM

"Sometimes yer th Bug,

And sometimes yer th Windshield!!"

(i told ya it was some good shit bzzzz)

th cap'm


Subject: Finally, Some Recognition
Date:
Wednesday, January 2, 2008 4:15 PM

I have been buyin th McDonald's product since 1954 in San Bernardino, California. If ya don't have yer calculator handy boyz and gurlz, thas like, 54 years. I couldn't even begin to estimate how many burgers and fries that would be, but it would be a lot, thas fer sure! Today, after all this time, they finally showed me a bit of appreciation.

After purchasin my BigMac, when I got home and dug into my bag, some thoughtful person had left in th bottom, in a nice cellophane pouch, three lovely buds of some very high quality weed. I know it was high quality, cuz I sampled it already. And it was GOOD! And by th way, that Big Mac was about as tasty as they come too. Oh, I wanna tell ya; it was muy delicioso. So, thanks Ronald, I'll be back tomorrow...jus in case. He he

th cap'm

P.S. Now, I'm jus reclinin here on th Sofa, sated and content, my belly full and my head buzzin. bzzzzzz


Subject: New Year's Resolutions
Date:
Tuesday, January 1, 2008 1:37 PM

Normally I don't fool around with this kinda nonsense. I have always considered NY's resolutions to be silly and meaningless gestures and a waste of good time that could be better spent lyin about here on th sofa. However in my efforts to get "IN th box", and be more "mainstream," I'm changing my policy this year. Therefore, this year 2008 anno Domini,

I RESOLVE to,

Be Cooler,
Be Hipper,
Be Suaver,
Be Smoother.
(why do we set such lofty, unattainable goals fer ourselves?)

Oh yeah, on a more practical note, I further resolve to,

Return Books To Th Library On Time,
and,
To Clean Th Gate's BBQ Sauce Off My Floor and Walls. (I had another of those cap-flies-off-while-vigorously-shakin-th-bottle mishaps last week)

On th other hand, I RESOLVE NOT TO,

Run Bicyclist Off Th Roads,
Slam On My Brakes To Discourage Tail-gaters,
Throw Bottles At Drivers Who Abuse Their Cell Phones,
Stop Yelling, "Get Th Fuck Off Th Streets You Stupid Mutherfuckers" To Joggers, Pedestrians, etc, etc,
Sneer and Be Surly!

And, oh yeah, not to,

Cook With Fire After 3 AM.

What about you boyz and gurls? Did you makes some Resolutions too?

th cap'm


Subject: Just A Reminder!!
Date:
Monday, December 31, 2007 12:33 PM

Ok, boyz and gurlz, it's that time of th year again, so remember: at 12 o'clock be sure and set yer calendars ahead one year. Don't be a laggard; Do it now, so you won't forget!!

Oh yeah, one more important thing:

Bail Money!

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!!

th capt

This has been another public service announcement brought to you courtesy of th Cap'm.


Subject: Once Again. St. Anthony To Th Rescue
Date:
Monday, December 31, 2007 12:21 AM

Ya may recall, in th past I've hipped ya to St. Anthony before. If ya've fergotten. St. Anthony is th patron saint of lost things. Say, like, ya lose yer marbles; St. Anthony will find em fer ya! He has worked with me numerous times over th years, with an extremely high rate of success.

Now, ya might object and say somthin like,

"Y'know cap'm, I don't go in fer all that mumbo-jumbo."

I'm with ya there bro, but th fact is; he takes care of bizness. There's no explainin it thru Reason or Rationale. It works! Now, ya might object again and say somthin, like,

"Well, like, I'm not Catholic, why would he help th likes of me?"

I can only tell ya; that ain't a problem, believe me! St. Anthony is an equal opportunity finder. He don't care whether ya be Jewish or a papist hatin Baptist! He don't give a twit. He finds stuff fer ya if ya ask im. And ya don't gotta get down on yer knees, ya don't gotta sacrifice any goats or bulls or any other kinda animals. Thas why he's got th PETA Seal Of Approval. All ya gotta do is ask im in a civil kinda way, always acknowledgin that nothin is guaranteed in Life! God knows, he certainly has grounds to refuse helpin me, and yet, he almost always comes thru fer me. On several occasions, it took more than six months, but, in th end, he produced!!

Like, jus last week, I lost my shades. They're like a permanent part of me. I don't feel complete without em. I only takes these off to sleep, and not always then. They were missin fer four days. I was beginnin to think they were gone fer good. I was beginnin to start thinkin bout how I was gonna be able to go on without em. Th idea was depressin! Then, I decided to ask my good buddy, ol St. Tony. So, I sez,

"Hey, looky here St. Anthony, This is th Captain speakin. Ya'know, ya've always been Aces with me, and ya've helped me on a number of occasions. Ya remember that lion's head ring ya found fer me and, that 500 bucks I misplaced, and that formica table, yeah those were all me, but here's th deal, I've currently gone and lost my shades, yeah, those blue tinted ones, and I'd be much obliged if ya could give me an assist, eh. Y'know, whenever ya get around to it, OK?!"

Aw'right, it was that simple. Now, I'm not jivin ya one bit, I found those steeenking glasses not five minutes later, under a huge pile of dirty clothes. Don't even bother askin me how they got there, cuz I don't have th slightest idea. Th important thing is; they're perched on my nose right now!!!!

Around th same time I lost my shades I also lost a laundry bag containin all my colored T-shirts. In other words, all my T-shirts which aren't white! This includes my Jimi Hendrix, my King Louie bowling shirt, my various bar and booze shirts, my coca cola t-shirt, every fucking colored t-shirt I had. About 25 of em, along with about six pair of colored socks.

Th followin day, after returnin from th laundromat, when I went to select one fer th that evening's ensemble, I couldn't find th bag they were in. How does one misplace a bag of t-shirts? I looked everywhere. And then, I looked everywhere again and again. Nada! I even looked in th freezer. Nope, they weren't there either. Whenever I lose somthin, I always check th refrigerator and freezer, cus sometimes when I'm drunk and stoned I hide things there, and then ferget about em. Do ya'll do that too, boyzs and gurlz?

I'm kinda reluctant to ask fer any "special" help on this project, cuz I don't wanna send Tony out on some wild goose chase, cuz even St. Anthony has his limits. In th past week, I've been preparin myself fer th fact that they're GONE! Never to be seen or worn by me again. SIGH! Sometimes Life can deal us these crushin blows, eh! And some peoples wonder why some peoples do drugs!?

th cap'm

P.S. Mebbe there's fodder there fer some kinda inspirational story of th type Reader's Digest might like, y'know, how a guy picks up th shattered pieces of his life, and triumphs over adversity. hmmm


Subject: Trouble in Paradise
Date:
Friday, December 28, 2007 2:26 PM

As ya may know, if ya've tried to reach me lately, we have been experiencing technical difficulties here at Headquarters Central. Th scurrilous curs at MSN would have ya believe that th problem lies with yers truly, moi, tellin ya that my mailbox is full.

This is an un-truth. Or, like, in other words, IT'S A FUCKIN LIE!! My mailbox is not full, yet e-mails sent to me are bein bounced back to th sender. I first noticed this on th 24th, when not only did I not get anything from my friends, (that would be youse guys) but I didn't get th avalanche of spam I've been gettin lately. I thought at first that I was mebbe th recipient of a Christmas Miracle of some kind, but alas and anon, that wasn't th case.

I made an irate call to MSN to clear this mess up and told em I wanted to speak with th Big Guy hisself, not wantin to waste my time with his minions, but they informed me that Mr. Gates didn't handle these kinda issues personally. Sure Bill, go ahead: duck yer responsibilities jus cuz yer a fuckin multi-Billionaire. So what!? Big Fuckin Deal! I'm th Captain after all!

His stooge told me I could solve th problem myself by simply deleting, or else moving all th saved messages I have to another of my secondary user names. Yeah, sure! This is a laborious process that has to be done one e-mail at a time. It takes about 20-25 seconds to transfer one message. I have 1422 saved messages on this user name capthoohah. I'm figurin say... 22 seconds apiece, times 1422, divided by 3,600 seconds per hour would be about 8 1/2 hours. No fuckin way Jose. I am of course a very busy person, with much to do and no time in my schezhule to waste that kinda time, y'can unnerstan that can't ya! I refuse to compromise my daily meditations here on th sofa fer so banal a task.

In any case, I was told that they were workin on th problem. When I asked about how long that might take, ya know, approximately..... they said between 72 hours and six months!!!! WHEW! Not a bad time table eh? 3 days to 6 months! Sheeit. Are you smokin me?! That kinda left me sputterin in a fury! To say that I hung up then is puttin it mildly. Damn cheap plastic phones from China can't even take a bit of bangin around!! After pickin up th pieces of th phone, I immediately went and OD'd on my anti-rage pills. I regained consciousness a couple hours ago, and I am still seethin, but it's a controlled seethe, if y'know what I mean.

So, boyz and gurlz, in order to solve this crisis, I have had to create a new user name.
capt_duderino@webtv.net

So, if ya wanna send me anything, send now to that new addy, cuz I don't think ya'll have any luck with this one. OK, roger that!

th cap'm

P.S. I saw a t-shirt on my bud, th D-Rock, last nite. It was no doubt sponsored by th Kansas City Chamber Of Commerce. It was a black shirt with raised white lettering that said,

WELCOME TO KANSAS CITY

and directly underneath that was a white silhouette of an 45. automatic and under that it said in bold white letters

DUCK MUTHERFUCKER!

which caused me to guffaw out loud. har har

Tuesday, I saw a bumper sticker that said,

THE PLAGUE SUCKS

Did'ja ever wonder what kinda dreams peoples born blind have?


Subject: Holiday Greetings To One And All!!
Date:
Monday, December 24, 2007 3:43 PM

I hope th holidays find ya'll in th Spirit, and I hope yer all bein good Amerkans and Max-in out yer credit cards. Do yer part and help keep th Terrorists at bay!

BUY..BUY..SPEND..SPEND, KEEP AMERKA STRONG!!

And if ya should see MURRAY KRIZMAST, tell im I said, "Yo!"

No, seriously, all kiddin aside,

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH!

th capt

P.S. While yer doin all that buyin and spendin, ya might wanna keep in mind that ol rallyin cry that brings a lump to th throat of every true, red-blooded Amerkan,

"Remember th Cap'm!"

th cap'm


Subject: Slow Down, and LIVE!
Date:
Friday, December 21, 2007 4:20 PM

Yesterday, as I was lyin here on my sofa readin a book, listenin to some quiet New Age kinda music in th background, it suddenly occurred to me; what am I doin? Why do I feel th need to maintain this hectic, helter-skelter, dizzyin pace? To what end? And th more I thought about it; I decided to slow down. Basta!!

Th first thought that came to me in my new enlightened awareness was to smell th Roses! So I put on my coat and as I was headed out th door, I remembered,

"there ain't no fuckin Roses round here!" What to do?

So, I did th next best thing. I decided to explore th ice box! (refrigerator to all you techies out there) There was th usual assortment of half-eaten foods there, cuz ya know I don't like to waste! But as I extended th search into th freezer compartment, thas where I made this extraordinary, exciting discovery. I found there a piece of roast chuck I bought back in March '05. Naturally I shrieked out, "ZOUNDS!" or somthin similar! And it was in excellent condition too. It had cost $1.73 @lb then and it was a couple shades browner than I remembered, but still......

I know it's been a while, but I'm sure it's still good isn't it? I mean, it has been frozen! And I hate to waste perfectly good foods. Also, I jus recently watched an episode of, "Good Eats", specifically bout roast chuck, so I have all th latest info on how to best prepare it. I guess I'm gonna have to make a decision on it soon, cuz I'm thawin it out right now. Curses! Decisions like this are exactly what I was tryin to get away from? I shoulda jus stuck to th sofa and my readin!

th cap'm


Subject:TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
Date:
Thursday, December 20, 2007 9:25 PM

Youse guys have prolly seen this before. Lots of ya lived it. Fer ya younger peoples, this was what it was kinda like.

****************

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. (mmm boy, wish I had a good lead paint and mayonnaise sandwich right now ch)

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, (i can't even imagine some sissy-assed kid wearin a helmet to ride his bike. woulda never happened! ch) not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. (i got robbed at gunpoint twice hitchiking. ch)

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. (i personally owned 6, thas SIX, vehicles that had little to No Brakes. talk about a challenge and overcoming adversity! ch)

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. (then all yer friends could come visit ya in th hospital. ch)

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. (that water always had a rubbery kinda taste to it tho. great if ya like rubbery tastin water, but i never could acquire a real taste fer it. ch)

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. (i don't know bout that, cuz i ain't in to all that "sharin" crap. get yer own damned coke! ch)

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, (i always liked that kool-aid flavored with lsd. ch) but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! (besides, most druggies aren't fat, ch)

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. (some things yer parents are better off not knowin! y'know what i mean. Ha ha ch)

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. (i didn't run with any peoples that fookin stupid. ch)

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers!, no Internet or chat rooms.......(we used two tin cans, with a string stretched between em. it worked great as long as ya weren't too far away to hear what they were sayin. ch)

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. (we were jus too ignorant of th $ possibilities then. ch)

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. (take it from me, if ya've never eaten worms or had a nice warm mud pie, ya ain't missed much! take an el paso on that dish. ch)

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. (BB gun fights. now THAT was fun, beats paintball any day, even tho rossie green did lose his left eye. It wasn't me dammit. i didn't do it. i was shootin at robin cunningham at th time!! rossie was waaay over there, tryin to hide behind that big tree. ch)

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! (and if no one was home, well, we jus helped ourselves, knowin they mighta given us that stuff themselves. well, they might have! ch)

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! (those mutherfuckers! i was TOO good enuff. fuck em! i didn't wanna play anyway. ch)

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! (i can attest to that. i could never figure out why my parents thought prison would be good fer me. altho, to be fair, it did keep me off th streets and outta trouble fer a while. ch)

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! (we also gave you vietnam, grenada, panama, gulf war 1, Afghanistan and iraq. stick around fer iran. ch)

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them?

CONGRATULATIONS! (and BFD!! ch)

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. (all we are sayin is...see how brave we were! ch)

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! (not me duke, cuz thas a good way to put yer eye out!! ch)

th cap'm


Subject: tH pOWER oF pRAYER
Date:
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 11:48 AM

Famous quotations from captain hoohah, dec, 18, 2007:

"To pray, is but to deceive one's self!"

or

"The act of prayer is nought but self deception."

take yer pick

th cap'm


Subject: This Is Yer Captain, Th Eternal, Quintessential Optimist, Speaking
Date:
Sunday, December 16, 2007 7:14 PM

Th follow in message, while intended fer th football fan, more specifically, th Kansas City Chief's football fan, also contains lessons fer even non sports minded peoples.

See, th thing is, I'm th kinda guy who always sees th glass as bein half full, rather than half empty. I'm th kinda guy who sees it as bein partly sunny, rather than partly cloudy. I'm th kinda guy who views th world thru rose tinted glasses, which helps explain why I always see things as bein....well, rosy, ya dig!

So, as ya'll may recall, at th beginning of this football season, in spite of some gloom heads, I confidently predicted our Chiefs to win 6 and lose 10. Yep, that was me with that bold assertion! And once again, my prescience comes to th fore, cuz here we are at th end of th season and they've already won 4 games, so I already feel somewhat vindicated. I'm almost there.

And one of th major reasons fer my enthusiasm fer Your Chiefs, is th leadership and philosophy of our Coach, th esteemed Herm Edwards, who is on th verge of takin our team to their Not Best season in 25 years! Herm's philosophy can be summed up in six little words, which ya can apply to any situation in Life itself,

In Herm's own words.

"You. Play. To. WIN! The. Game."

Try applyin that deceptively simple formula in yer own Life, and step back quickly, cuz if ya don't, th Stampede of Change will trample ya underfoot!

th cap'm

P.S. Th only weak link I can see in Herm's organization is th absence of consul and advice from th Mrs. Co-Mayor. Whew, what a combination they would make, eh!! (out-of-towners may be puzzled by that remark, Fer clarification, google, The Shit Pile That Is Kansas City Politics)


Subject: Achtung! Members Of Th CPN (Costco Posse Nation)
Date:
Friday, December 14, 2007 5:40 PM

If yer not a card carryin member, ya prolly won't wanna read this cuz it'll jus make ya envious and bitter. But fer you hipsters out there, who are "in", here's th deal.

Ya must needs to check out th 2 lb. package of Morton's of Omaha Roast Beef mit Gravy. Wow! It is sumptuous, I'm tellin ya! It comes in a bag which, all ya gotta do, is boil it fer a bit. Of course, fer Chefs like myself, who take pride in th professional preparation of a meal, th simplicity of this dish is a bit unchallenging, but what th hell, th finished product is still excellent. Th gravy is outstandin! And th meat has plenty of fat in it, and we all know thas where th real flavor lives. Not only does th fat provide lots'a flavor, but it has added health benefits, which ya might not be aware of.

In recent studies th AFA (Amerikan Fat Association) determined in totally unbiased tests that th fat eases circulation by makin it easier fer th blood to slide thru th veins and arteries, so, no more annoyin blood clots in th brain and so on.

So, fer 4.99 an lb. ya can't go wrong. Jus tell em th cap'm sent ya, and ya'll get th extra bonus of bein escorted out of th store personally. Sometimes it pays to have friends in high places, eh!

th cap'm


Subject: Our Friends!
Date:
Friday, December 14, 2007 1:48 PM

My cuz Clara left this nice thought at th bottom of her message.

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart"

Thas th way Cuz Clara is; a sweet lady with a kind, caring outlook.

I have found that to be true; and more! Because my friends left their footprints on me too. All about my head and shoulders and ribs, and other sensitive areas of my bod. Thas what friends are for, right?! Ha ha

th cap'm


Subject: Once again, back into the Breach
Date:
Friday, December 14, 2007 1:31 PM

My cuz Clara sent th following stats to me as part of a longer e-mail concerning govt. spending. This got me to thinkin. (look out)

*******************

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases:

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

****************

OK, now, looky here.

**********************
Aw'right, lemme start all over here. See, I hadn't meant to send th above message to ya'll. Not at that time anyway. I had meant to only send that back to me so that I could finish it at a later date, like, today, fr'instance. What happened was; I suddenly heard th Budweiser's Sirens beckonin me. Th call was irresistible. I tried tying myself to th sofa, but to no avail, cuz I'm not much fer knot tyin. I was powerless. So I got out some of th Demon Weed to prepare myself fer th journey.

So in my befuddled state of mind, I accidentally sent it to everyone, istead of only myself, which prolly left ya shakin yer heads in confusion more than usual, goin,

"What th fu....?"

Then, realizin my gaffe, I sent out an explanation of my stupidity under th subject, "Faux pas" which I just now discovered, I never even sent at all. Oh brother! Ten Thousand Curses! OK, are ya with me here? Do ya see what happened?
Like I said, blame it all on th cannabis. Just another true life story illustratin why this dangerous drug should be made illegal and it's users and purveyors incarcerated in maximum security gulags, far away from decent law abidin peoples.

Aw'right, so here we go again. From th beginning.So, looky here. Presidential candidates in this country gotta have about 400 millions if they seriously wanta be a contendah, at least. That works out at about a 1.35 cents fer every person in this country.

Now supposin a person runnin fer Prime Minister in Iraq spent that kinda money there. That would amount to whoppin SIXTEEN DOLLARS fer every single person in Iraq. Thas a lot, eh?! Ya can buy a lotta influence if yer willin to spend 16 dollars a head, eh?!

Now, consider that since there were no WMD's in Iraq, we then had to change th Mission there to one of instilling a Democracy on peoples who couldn't care less about Democracy. Dawg, these are folks who are SERIOUS about their religion, who are perfectly content to let their religious leaders tell em how to conduct their lives. In Christian nations a person is considered devout if they go to church once a week; these peoples set aside time to worship Five Times a day, fr'chrissake!!

OK, so here's my point, in th last five years we have spent, not 16 dollars per person, but 20,000 dollars per every man. woman, and child in that country, tryin to convince em that they're gonna get a Democracy, whether they want it or not!! At 20 K per person, ya'd think ya could get some result, huh?.

And so....whatta we got there today to show fer that expenditure of 500 Billion dollars? Fer that kinda outlay, those Iraqi's oughta have Democracy gushin outta there asses!!! Th Administration tells us as a sign of progress, that th daily death toll is down somewhat. Whoopie! Isn't that swell!! Let's have a party! If we "stay th course", when there's about two hundred of em left, I can see em, th stubborn bastards, finally sayin,

"OK, Ok, godammit, you guys win! Give us some fookin Democracy. We get th point. aw'right?! Where do we go to vote? Who ya want us to vote fer? Fuck it, you can have th fuckin oil. Take all ya want, OK, but jus give us yer McDonalds, yer Burger Kings, yer Walmarts. Geeeze, you peoples can't take a joke!"

OK, so take those stats up there illustratin how much ONE Billion is, and multiply them by 500, to give ya an idea how important it's become to democratize Iraq!!

Can you think of anything boyz and gurlz; how that 500 Billion dollars mighta been better spent?

th cap'm

P.S. Oh yeah, by th way, fer those of ya, who don't think of everything in terms of dollars and cents, there's also th 3,000 Amerkan men killed and th 30,000+ wounded, plus th countless thousands of Iraqi dead and wounded men, women and children to factor in too. But back to th basic economics of th venture tho, what dollar figures should we put on those numbers?


Subject :<no subject>
Date:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:53 PM

My cuz Clara sent th following stats to me as part of a longer e-mail concerning govt. spending. This got me to thinkin. (look out)

*******************

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases:

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

****************

OK, now, looky here.

th cap'm


Subject: the funks
Date:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 8:55 PM

I know it's early and a lot can happen in th next 3 1/2 years, and peoples have short memories, but i predict that mr. and mrs. Funkhauser will be one term mayors. and i don't see any improvement either, because they are both clueless. as a matter of fact, I just see more of the same for the next few years. I know they have said they don't need any outside help, but I really do think they need some consultants to advise them, or at least give em some clues about how one manages a city.

Is there any way we could repeal that election on the grounds that the electorate were conned and bamboozled into thinking there had to be at least one brain between the two of them! isn't that fraud or something?

th cap'm


Subject: Some Chumps Are Such Suckers Fer A Little Bit Of Flattery!
Date:
Wednesday, December 12, 2007 3:27 PM

I stopped by th CVS drug store earlier today to pick up th latest issue of th Pitch, and this homeless dude was sittin there on th freezing sidewalk, eatin some kinda roll, and y'know, it's jus colder than shit out there, and I was thinkin what a bummer that is, havin been there before, and as I walked by him he said,

"Hey bro, nice lookin hat."

and I said,

"Thanks", and knew what was comin next, and he said,

"Could ya spare me a bit of change?"

And I said,

"Sorry man, I don't have any on me."

as I patted down my pockets, and I actually didn't. I felt kinda sorry fer th dude, but what th hell...there's a lotta peoples out there on th streets, whadda ya gonna do? And he said,

"Thas OK, thanks anyway."

So, as I took th paper outta th rack he said,

"Thas what we call a “boss brim” and not a “lame lid.”

And I hadda chuckle at that, cus I hadn't heard th expression “boss brim” in 45 years, so I went inside and got change fer a twenty, and when I left gave im a ten spot. He kinda lit up at that.

But hey, in my defense, it... IS... a cool lookin hat.

th cap'm


Subject: There's ONE Good Reason To Like Winter!
Date:
Monday, December 10, 2007 1:01 PM

I don't like winter time. I don't like bein cold. I don't like th increase in my utility bills it takes to stay warm. I don't like th fact that things break down and don't work in th extreme cold. I don't like slip-slidin around and fallin down on my head and other various appendages. I don't like holdin on to my steering wheel with two fingers cus it's too cold to hold otherwise. I don't like when my car slides down hills turnin round and round. I could go on, but I think ya get my drift, eh? There are lots'a other reasons too, but time constraints prevent me from elaborating.

Now, I know some peoples like winter time and th changin of th seasons. They refer to th pristine beauty of a winter snow scene. Th quiet stillness as th snowflakes gently descend. Th crunchin, scrunchin sound of th trodden snow. Th soft, scrapin sound when it slides off th roof and plops gently to th ground. Th high pitched squealin delight of th kiddies as they careen down a steep hill outta control and run their sleds into a snowdrift. And yeah, sure, undeniably, it does make fer a beautiful picture with th snow softening th edges of everything....yeah fer, like, about 24 hours..... and then th next few months, all ya got is dirty, brown, sludgy gloop. (gloop, AKA slush)

But fer th past few weeks, as th winter weather has enveloped us, I have been unusually serene. I noticed I have been mellowed out, and more stress free, and while ponderin th cause of this rare state of mind, it suddenly struck me....... my Nemesis, 'Dirty Joe Bike Rider' has been absent!! No where to be seen.

Yea, verily. I haven't had to deal with their ilk fer a while now. No wonder I feel so good! Obviously they don't relish ridin their "vehicles" in this kinda weather. And evidently, their self proclaimed concern fer th non-pollutin nature of th bicycle beast, flies out th window in th winter, and they are forced to become th dreaded (SHUDDER) "motorist" themselves. I can only chuckle at th self-loathin they must feel. Ha ha. Think of th adjustments they will have to make in their mental thinkin; they will actually have to stop now fer red lights, and stop signs, and no more goin th wrong way on one-way streets, and they'll have to make sure they have head-lights, tail lights, turn signals, license plates, insurance, and on and on with myriad other details they don't even think about on their bicycle "vehicles". So yeah, when ya think bout it; no wonder I feel good about winter!

And as I mentioned a week ago, th Pitch posted my most recent anti-bicycle tirade in th last issue so I've had my "self defense perimeter" set up in anticipation of a retaliatory strike. No bricks thru th window yet and as a further precaution, I pay Maria, my maid, recently arrived from ______, an extra dollar a day, to start my vehicle every afternoon, while I stuff my ears with cotton, jus in case. So far, so good....but with these kinda lawless hooligans loose on th streets, ya can never be too careful.

Eternal Vigilance is th price I must pay fer my freedom of speech. So be it. Oh sure, I know, I know, some peoples say I'm an Amerkan Hero fer havin th Courage to stand up to these bicyclist ruffians and proclaim loudly.

"A pox on you!"

But...shucks...I dunno...if thas true, then where are th medals, th plaques, th awards, th parades, th confetti, th fireworks, th celebrations? Huh? Where? All I can say is; it's a dark and lonely endeavor.

th cap'm

P.S. I'm sure when th next issue comes out on Wednesday, their minions will respond with scurrilous and defamatory remarks about my character. Mebbe th scalliwags will uncover remarks I made when I was five years old professin a desire to own and ride a bicycle of my very own. I wouldn't put nothin past those fiends! Their tactics would make a gutter bred politician blush with shame.


Subject: Clearin Thh Air Of Some Misconceptions
Date:
Sunday, December 9, 2007 2:45 PM

RE: Fast proficient typers. My good friend Ms. Dorothy suggested I may be sufferin from "clickity clack envy" and hinted some professional help might be warranted. On th other hand, my good friend Ms. Pat complimented me on th fact I was able to type at all.

Now, there jus might be some truth to th assertion that I suffer from "clickity clack envy", cus as I sit in th library listenin to those peoples there makin all that racket cuz they're typin so fast, I find myself thinkin bad things about those who type so proficiently, even tho I don't even know em. I imagine em forcin their kids to eat green beans and spinach, and pulling on their puppy's tails for amusement, and jay walkin, y'know, stuff like that. Perhaps I'm too harsh on em? Mebbe I jus don't like em cuz they're too good, while I'ma clodhopper at it? I dunno.

Now as fer Ms. Pat's comments complimentin me fer bein able to type at all, lemme jus say this; it's not as easy as it looks. but I do want to clear up a small erroneous impression she has of me. when she sez,

"You actually know how to use a keyboard with both hands".

As I told her;

"Ummm no! Not reely Ms Patty. Truth be known, I use not two hands, but in
fact, ONE FINGER!"

That would be my right index finger. As I work from my base of operations here on th sofa, I hold th remote keyboard up in my left hand, you see, with the TV in th background, and type usin my right index finger to search out and find the letter I wish to strike. And when I discover it's approximate location, I then attempt to punch it with my finger, often times not successfully. Then I must needs go back and try again! It's a pretty laborious affair. Ya would be surprised to find how much time some of this drivel takes. If ya actually knew, yu'd prolly use th ol cliche on me,

"Cap'm, you got waaay too much time on yer hands."

At which, I might riposte with somthin witty, like,

"Eat shit and Die!!" har, har

As fer th usual and oft repeated suggestions that I get a computer rather than my WebTv system, I refute th idea that I'm jus too fookin ignernt. Au contraire, I'm craftily waitin til th banks start givin em away to open up an account, like they do with small pocket calculators now, thus savin myself lotsa dinero.

Remember ya'll,

"All things come to the patient man".

th cap'm

P.S. Many peoples would find that real amusin; referrin to myself as "patient".


Subject: Lawyers In Th Night: Part Two
Date:
Saturday, December 8, 2007 3:24 PM

So, after most of th pool playin lawyers left, around midnite, there were only a few of em hangin round. But one of em, this young drunk girl, came up and introduced herself to me at th bar. (ya ever notice all th girls who talk to me are always drunk? I wonder if there's any significance in that? Ha ha)

She then, this little 26 y/o girlie, proceeded to tell me about LIFE and stuff, y'know!? She gave me th benefit of some lessons she'd had to learn th hard way, y'know. So, like, I might avoid that kinda stuff later on in my own life. (I love it when 26 y/o's tell me what to expect later in life).

After about ten-fifteen minutes, I had made th occasional, "Hmmmm", and, "Izzat so?" and "No kiddin!" to several remarks so as to indicate I was listening, and she asked me,

"You don't think I have any substance, do you?"

Now, what th fuck are ya supposed to say to a question like that? I mean, sheeit.

So I hem hawed around and tryin to be diplomatic about it, I said,

"Well, um, yeah, you have ...um.. some substance, y'know... uh...sure"

She seemed glad to hear that. And so then, with her confidence bolstered I guess, she proceeded to tellin me about th '60s no less. She said,

"Y'know, back in th '60s kids my age were into all kinds of things."

"Oh really? Like what?"

"Well, they were in th civil rights movement, and they protested the Vietnam War, and there were a lot of drugs back then too. Just all kinds of things going on."

"No kiddin. Wow, that musta been a trippy time, huh?"

And then she went on to tell me all about that exciting time! Ha ha. I listened to her for a bit, and finally said,

"Hey look, ya know what, back in 1967, I was th same age as you are right now. I was 26 then myself, back there in 1967, but do go on, tell me what it was all about? I'd like to know what was goin on back then."

She said,

"You're making fun of me aren't you?"

"Well, yeah, I am kinda, cuz see, it's pretty silly of Yu to be telling ME what was goin on in th world I was actually living in, 40 years before you were even born. See what I mean? Are ya goin to tell me bout th ‘50s next, cus I was in my teens then!"

She seemed to deflate a bit, but then she beamed and said,

"I love your hat, can I wear it?" and she reached up to take it off my head. Now, That pisses me off. Always! I grabbed her hand and said, in a not even friendly manner,

"No! No! Ya can't fuckin wear it! Don't be grabbin my godam hat! Keep yer hands to yerself."

And she kinda flinched back and and pursed her lips in a pouty manner and I snickered derisively and said,

"Oh c'mon, pleeeze, yer waaay too old to be poutin like a little10y/o spoiled brat."

and she said in a sulking, little girl fashion,

"You're mean!"

and she stuck a cigarette in her mouth and jus stared at me. And I stared back. And we jus stared at each other, and finally she said in a commanding, imperious tone,

"I need a light!" and I said,

"Sorry, don't have one." She said,

"Well, there's some in that box."

and she pointed down th bar. And I broke out in a guffaw and said,

"Yu gotta be kiddin me! Are yu fuckin nuts? Do ya reely think I'm gonna get up and walk down there to get ya some fuckin matches, Are yu serious? Get fuckin Real, little gurl. No way am I gonna go fetch some matches fer yu!"

And then she stuck her tongue out at me!!!! Ha ha Oh sheeit! And she turned around to go back to her table and said,

"I'll remember you, what ever your name is, the next time I come in here!"

I said,

"Does that mean ya won't be tellin me about th '60s, and ya won't be grabbin my hat, and ya won't be askin me to fetch things fer ya? And by th way, my name ain't Pop either."

And she made a face and stuck out her tongue at me again. Ha ha Why do grown gurls still pout and stick out their tongues like they did when they were 9 years old?

Oh....th poor Little Princess Lawyer Student! Peoples like her jus aren't used to not gettin their way. I felt bad about it all, ya'll. No reely.... I did. Ha ha. But I was only tryin to teach her some subtle lessons, which might help her in th future. Y'know, like...... how do ya deal with th concept of, "NO!"

th cap'm


Subject: CLITTER CLATTER; Those Annoyin Fuckers At Th Library!
Date:
Thursday, December 6, 2007 10:23 PM

I wuz at the library a bit earlier today. Some peoples there piss me off. I'm talkin bout those assholes who use th computers there. I hate th clatter they make as they type away. I suspect many times that those folks who type so fast aren't even really typin anything. They are jus tryin to impress everyone with how fast they are.

Now, look here, just cuz I flunked typing twice in HS, And got a D in college, doesn't mean I'm jealous or hold anything against those speed freaks!!

I'm not bitter, or nothin! That noise just really annoys me. Why can't they make a keyboard that's completely quiet? I mean, they can make nuclear attack submarines that are so quiet one of em could run right over you and you would never hear it comin. That way those peoples could sit there and let their fingers fly across th board and not bother others....those others about them who are distracted by their clickings and clackings.....others there such as ME, fr'instance.

Like, today, there was this one particularly obnoxious fucker who sat there hunched over th keyboard. He only used two or three fingers maybe, but he was really fast. But you see, he pounded th keys every time he struck them, bouncin up and down as he did so. It was kinda like Little Richard on th keyboard. I wanted very badly to tell him on behalf of th rest of th library patrons to "shine off," but bein th mild-mannered person that I am, I held my tongue. This seemed to perplex this lady there who saw me standin there with my tongue in hand, cuz she said,

"Excuse me sir, but, are you alright?"

And I jus shook my head and pointed my free thumb in that assholes direction, but that didn't seem to answer her question. I finally jus left in frustration, still hangin on to my tongue. I suppose I'll jus have to pick up a pair of ear plugs th next time I visit th library! Ya wouldn't think that would be necessary to visit th fookin library, would'ya?

"Hey Cap't, What'cha doin with those earplugs in yer ears?"

"Whadda'ya think I'm doin? I'm goin to th fuckin library!"

the cap't.

PS. Then there are those TOTAL ASSHOLES who answer their phones there and carry on a conversation. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH FUCKING PEOPLES THESE DAYS? I mean, Gimme a Break, huh! Sheeeit!


Subject: Lawyers!!
Date:
Thursday, December 6, 2007 9:26 PM

Last nite I was sittin in th saloon and soon became aware of a lot of commotion goin on in th pool room. There was a lot of angry shouting and yelling, and th noise ebbed and flowed. Finally th barmaid went in there to calm every one down a bit. After several minutes had gone by she came back to th bar. I asked her,

"What's that all about?"

She said they were arguing over a rule on th pool game. I laughed and said,

"Ya mean all that shit goin on in there is over an 8-ball rule? They've been goin at it fer 15 minutes now. What, are they playing fer big stakes?"

She said there wasn't any money riding on th game at all. I said I didn't see how they could all get so excited over one shot in a game where there wasn't even any money involved, and it wasn't even a game winning shot. She said,

"Charley, they're all law students!"

And that explained everything! Ha ha Who else but a bunch of smart-assed law students could make such a big deal out of nothing? If it had been anybody else, th brawl woulda started ten minutes before; th barmaid's warning evdently didn't bother them much cuz they were still arguing.

Then after a few more minutes they all came into th bar area and one of em said,

"Ask this dude. (and he pointed to me) He plays here all th time. He'll set you straight."

So I put my white wig on and adjusted my robe and said, "OK, so what's th situation?"

So they explained th problem and each side then began to make their arguments to me. And they were still arguing back and forth just as vociferously as ever.

Finally I broke in and said,

"OK, OK, let's have a little order here huuh! Team A has got a good point. There are a lot of peoples who play by that rule."

and that crowd started high-fivin each other and carryin on and sayin, "See, we told you!"

"BUT...hold on," I said, "Team B also has a valid point cuz a lot of guys play by that rule too."

And then they all "went off" all over again.

I said, "Look, there are no "official" rules on 8-ball. There are a thousand different ways you can play th game. Th only rules that count are th "House rules". Th rules of th joint ya happen to be playin in. They always take precedent over all other rules. They're th only ones that count!! And since there are no "house rules" in this bar, I'd suggest ya just flip a coin, cuz you guyz could argue about this all night long."

And a light went off in one of th future lawyers head and he said,

"Hey guys, that's a good idea. Let's just flip a coin."

(BRILLIANT!)

And they all concurred that was a splendid idea, and they flipped a coin, and th losers groaned and th winners slapped em on th back and they all laughed and went back to finish their game. And th one guy said,

"Hey thanks Pop."

And I said,

"De nada. Thas what I do. And don't call me Pop!"

And Peace returned to th planet.

th cap'm


Subject: I Am NOT A Luddite!
Date:
Monday, December 3, 2007 3:55 PM

Some times peoples say I'm outta touch, a step behind, a bit slow. They say I'm gonna have to speed up if I wanna catch up to every one else. They accuse me of still bein back at th tollgate on th third Millennium Bridge. Not True!

I have many technological gadgets in my crib, jus like everybody else. I have a VCR, a color TeeVee, a cellular phone. I have a state-of-th-art HI-FI, three-speed Sound System, which allows me to not only play regular 45's and 78's, but also LP's too.

Sheeeit ese, I even have an electric can opener, so I don't have to crank those cans open by hand any more. Ya jus hook yer can up to it, and it revolves around in a circle, which is a good way to revolve, by th way, and it peels that lid right off, and thru some kinda technology, which I admit I dun't understand, it holds th severed lid in place, so it doesn't clatter to th floor. A pretty nifty feature I think.

And of course, I have my WebTv which is barely ten years old, which enables me to communicate with other peoples, such as yerself, all over th planet, should I so choose. And altho it is true that I did have certain difficulties with th old fashioned method of pen to paper, y'know, like, making all those squiggly lines run together in some kinda fathomable fashion, I still managed to get a High School Education. And hey, some one has to be last!! We can't all be NUMBAH ONE ya know!?

So...don't concern yerself with th Cap'm! He's up to date in Kansas City! Aw'right!?

th Cap'm

P.S. I even get catalogues from th Sharper Image. They know a techie when they see one!


Subject: Invitation To A Party!
Date:
Monday, December 3, 2007 4:35 AM

Saturday nite I overheard this young dude tellin this gurl, when she asked him where he'd been, say,

"I've been down in the Plah-za networking with some other young professionals."

Ha ha I had to break into a little chortle over that one. I couldn't help but thinkin to myself, "You pretentious little prick you!" I guess thas what "young professionals" do these days huh? They network. But, jus what th fuck constitutes a young professional anyway?

So, a bit later this young, wasted gurl came up to me and introduced herself. She said,

"Hi, my name is Jenny. What's yours?"

I said,

"Hi Jenny, I'm Charley"

She said,

"My friends call me Slutty Jenny."

I said,

"Well then, hi Slutty Jenny."

She said,

"I'm having a party next Saturday night. You wanna come?"

I said,

"Well Slutty Jenny, I'm not reel big on th whole party scene, y'know what I mean. Besides, ya don't even know me, why would ya want to invite me to yer party anyway?"

She said,

"Well Charley, the secret to a good party is to have lotsa different kinds of people there; and you're different!"

I said,

"Ummm, thanks, I guess. Tell me Slutty Jenny, will there be any networkin goin on there?"

And she said,

"Huh?"

And with that response, I immediately made her fer a "young Un-professional". Y'know, a poseur.

So I said, tryin to be diplomatic about it,

"Well Slutty Jenny, I'll havta check my schezhule. OK? See if I'm open then?"

And she gave me th deer in th headlight look and said,

"Check your what?"

So I said,

"Um....well, I will if I can... y'know."

So Slutty Jenny gave me her address, and and we chit-chatted fer a couple minutes, and she moved on.

About twenty minutes later, Jenny went stumbling by me and I said,

"Yo Jenny, what time's yer party?"

She said,

"What party?"

I said,

"Y'know, yer party next Saturday nite!"

She said

"I'm sorry, but I don't know you!"

I don't think I'm gonna be goin to Slutty Jenny's party next Saturday nite, y'know what I mean.

th cap'm


Subject: In the gang
Date:
Monday, December 3, 2007 3:32 AM

About a week ago I joined th Costco Posse. I didn't have to be "jumped in" or anythin, but I did have to take th Costco Pledge of Allegiance and I had to pay em $50.00, so I'm now a card carryin member. I promised to faithfully uphold th traditions and laws of Costco, and to never reveal their secrets. Omerta, y'know!

Today, I was given my first assignment to covertly infiltrate Iran and try and discover any secrets they may be hiding. Our Intelligence peoples know they definitely got some secrets; all I gotta do is find em. But as ya'll know, they are a bunch of sneaky bastards, so I got my work cut out fer me. Then, when I return, I gotta participate in th "Annual Holiday Rumble" on December 22nd with those punks in Sam's Club. No big deal; Sam's a punk and all his boyz are a bunch of "squares" anyway.

I also made my first purchases, before my secret flight on Saturday. I bought a hundred and twenty dollars worth of foods stuff to demonstrate my commitment and loyalty to th Costco Cause, which is th most money I have ever spent on nonsense like foods at one time in my life. And I didn't get very many items either! But, when th End Days are over, I will have enuff Picante sauce, BBQ sauce, peanut butter, cookies, mustard, and parmesan cheese to last me fer a good long time. And I got a five gallon jerry-can of extra virgin oil too, so while th other survivors are out scroungin thru peoples garbage cans and so on, I'm gonna be eatin my olive oil flavored cookies and peanut butter and stuff off my bountiful paper plates, and while they're searchin fer dry leaves to take care of their bodily hygiene needs, I will be sittin on a mountain of soft, four ply, top quality tissues. I'm in like Flynn, don'cha know!

I started to buy a 50 lb. bag of rice, which woulda lasted me til hell freezes over, but that was Maria's day off, so I didn't have any one to carry in it th crib for me.
I also bought 4 new tires fer my ride. I only needed two, but they told me I had to buy four fer safety reasons. Mutherfuckers!! Sheeit ese, I drove cars fer 25 years that had absolutely no tread on em at all with no problema and all different sizes on each wheel too. I drove my tires til they blew out, and then I replaced em with another 8 dollar bald tire, til it blew out. I never had any "safety issues"!

Th way I knew I needed a new tire was when I heard that loud... BANG.. and th car started fish-tailin back and forth and makin that noise, y'know th one I mean. That loud, rubbery, floppin sound, and then th ride got a bit bumpier. Yep, time fer another tire!

So, anyway, havin mobbed up with Costco, to save myself some monies, I left there spendin 650.00 smackers. I'm still wonderin when th "savings" part comes in effect.

th cap'm


Subject: An Opportunity Presents itself
Date:
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 7:29 PM

Today, I got a letter from Steve Morris, President, Arbitron Ratings. They want ME to take part in their radio survey. Evidently some one told em I was a person of Distinction and Taste. And evidently some one musta also told em I could be bought off too, cuz there was a dollar bill enclosed as a, "small token of appreciation". Yeah sure, I know how that works. Hey, yo dudes, I been off th turnip truck fer more than a week now, OK?!

I find this insulting. Do they think they can buy me off with a fookin dollar? Huh?! Do they think I would sell out my Pride and Dignity so easily? I am th Captain, after all. Oh yeah, sure, I can be bought off! No doubt about it! But fer a steeenking dollar? I dun't think so!! Sheeit, ese, they'll find my Principles don't come so cheaply!

But, I'm not rulin anythin out at this point. I believe much can be accomplished thru compromise and negotiation and I'm willin to meet with Mr Morris at my convenience, of course, to see if we can iron out some kinda deal. Ya can see how it would be quite a coup on his part to be able to report to th Board that he has landed me on th Team, eh? A feather in his cap, fer sure!

And it might be a good opportunity fer me too. cuz, th more I think about it, this could be my chance, finally, to make my mark on th world. To finally do somthin that will make a difference in other peoples lives. To influence th kinda music we hear. Y'know, to be..... SOMEBODY!

Damn, if only I had a fuckin radio!

th cap'm


              
              
                 

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