Subject: I Am NOT A Luddite!
Date: Monday, December 3, 2007 3:55 PM

Some times peoples say I'm outta touch, a step behind, a bit slow. They say I'm gonna have to speed up if I wanna catch up to every one else. They accuse me of still bein back at th tollgate on th third Millennium Bridge. Not True!

I have many technological gadgets in my crib, jus like everybody else. I have a VCR, a color TeeVee, a cellular phone. I have a state-of-th-art HI-FI, three-speed Sound System, which allows me to not only play regular 45's and 78's, but also LP's too.

Sheeeit ese, I even have an electric can opener, so I don't have to crank those cans open by hand any more. Ya jus hook yer can up to it, and it revolves around in a circle, which is a good way to revolve, by th way, and it peels that lid right off, and thru some kinda technology, which I admit I dun't understand, it holds th severed lid in place, so it doesn't clatter to th floor. A pretty nifty feature I think.

And of course, I have my WebTv which is barely ten years old, which enables me to communicate with other peoples, such as yerself, all over th planet, should I so choose. And altho it is true that I did have certain difficulties with th old fashioned method of pen to paper, y'know, like, making all those squiggly lines run together in some kinda fathomable fashion, I still managed to get a High School Education. And hey, some one has to be last!! We can't all be NUMBAH ONE ya know!?

So...don't concern yerself with th Cap'm! He's up to date in Kansas City! Aw'right!?

th Cap'm

P.S. I even get catalogues from th Sharper Image. They know a techie when they see one!

Subject: Invitation To A Party!
Date: Monday, December 3, 2007 4:35 AM

Saturday nite I overheard this young dude tellin this gurl, when she asked him where he'd been, say,

"I've been down in the Plah-za networking with some other young professionals."

Ha ha I had to break into a little chortle over that one. I couldn't help but thinkin to myself, "You pretentious little prick you!" I guess thas what "young professionals" do these days huh? They network. But, jus what th fuck constitutes a young professional anyway?

So, a bit later this young, wasted gurl came up to me and introduced herself. She said,

"Hi, my name is Jenny. What's yours?"

I said,

"Hi Jenny, I'm Charley"

She said,

"My friends call me Slutty Jenny."

I said,

"Well then, hi Slutty Jenny."

She said,

"I'm having a party next Saturday night. You wanna come?"

I said,

"Well Slutty Jenny, I'm not reel big on th whole party scene, y'know what I mean. Besides, ya don't even know me, why would ya want to invite me to yer party anyway?"

She said,

"Well Charley, the secret to a good party is to have lotsa different kinds of people there; and you're different!"

I said,

"Ummm, thanks, I guess. Tell me Slutty Jenny, will there be any networkin goin on there?"

And she said,

"Huh?"

And with that response, I immediately made her fer a "young Un-professional". Y'know, a poseur.

So I said, tryin to be diplomatic about it,

"Well Slutty Jenny, I'll havta check my schezhule. OK? See if I'm open then?"

And she gave me th deer in th headlight look and said,

"Check your what?"

So I said,

"Um....well, I will if I can... y'know."

So Slutty Jenny gave me her address, and and we chit-chatted fer a couple minutes, and she moved on.

About twenty minutes later, Jenny went stumbling by me and I said,

"Yo Jenny, what time's yer party?"

She said,

"What party?"

I said,

"Y'know, yer party next Saturday nite!"

She said

"I'm sorry, but I don't know you!"

I don't think I'm gonna be goin to Slutty Jenny's party next Saturday nite, y'know what I mean.

th cap'm

Subject: In the gang
Date: Monday, December 3, 2007 3:32 AM

About a week ago I joined th Costco Posse. I didn't have to be "jumped in" or anythin, but I did have to take th Costco Pledge of Allegiance and I had to pay em $50.00, so I'm now a card carryin member. I promised to faithfully uphold th traditions and laws of Costco, and to never reveal their secrets. Omerta, y'know!

Today, I was given my first assignment to covertly infiltrate Iran and try and discover any secrets they may be hiding. Our Intelligence peoples know they definitely got some secrets; all I gotta do is find em. But as ya'll know, they are a bunch of sneaky bastards, so I got my work cut out fer me. Then, when I return, I gotta participate in th "Annual Holiday Rumble" on December 22nd with those punks in Sam's Club. No big deal; Sam's a punk and all his boyz are a bunch of "squares" anyway.

I also made my first purchases, before my secret flight on Saturday. I bought a hundred and twenty dollars worth of foods stuff to demonstrate my commitment and loyalty to th Costco Cause, which is th most money I have ever spent on nonsense like foods at one time in my life. And I didn't get very many items either! But, when th End Days are over, I will have enuff Picante sauce, BBQ sauce, peanut butter, cookies, mustard, and parmesan cheese to last me fer a good long time. And I got a five gallon jerry-can of extra virgin oil too, so while th other survivors are out scroungin thru peoples garbage cans and so on, I'm gonna be eatin my olive oil flavored cookies and peanut butter and stuff off my bountiful paper plates, and while they're searchin fer dry leaves to take care of their bodily hygiene needs, I will be sittin on a mountain of soft, four ply, top quality tissues. I'm in like Flynn, don'cha know!

I started to buy a 50 lb. bag of rice, which woulda lasted me til hell freezes over, but that was Maria's day off, so I didn't have any one to carry in it th crib for me.
I also bought 4 new tires fer my ride. I only needed two, but they told me I had to buy four fer safety reasons. Mutherfuckers!! Sheeit ese, I drove cars fer 25 years that had absolutely no tread on em at all with no problema and all different sizes on each wheel too. I drove my tires til they blew out, and then I replaced em with another 8 dollar bald tire, til it blew out. I never had any "safety issues"!

Th way I knew I needed a new tire was when I heard that loud... BANG.. and th car started fish-tailin back and forth and makin that noise, y'know th one I mean. That loud, rubbery, floppin sound, and then th ride got a bit bumpier. Yep, time fer another tire!

So, anyway, havin mobbed up with Costco, to save myself some monies, I left there spendin 650.00 smackers. I'm still wonderin when th "savings" part comes in effect.

th cap'm

Subject: An Opportunity Presents itself
Date: Tuesday, November 27, 2007 7:29 PM

Today, I got a letter from Steve Morris, President, Arbitron Ratings. They want ME to take part in their radio survey. Evidently some one told em I was a person of Distinction and Taste. And evidently some one musta also told em I could be bought off too, cuz there was a dollar bill enclosed as a, "small token of appreciation". Yeah sure, I know how that works. Hey, yo dudes, I been off th turnip truck fer more than a week now, OK?!

I find this insulting. Do they think they can buy me off with a fookin dollar? Huh?! Do they think I would sell out my Pride and Dignity so easily? I am th Captain, after all. Oh yeah, sure, I can be bought off! No doubt about it! But fer a steeenking dollar? I dun't think so!! Sheeit, ese, they'll find my Principles don't come so cheaply!

But, I'm not rulin anythin out at this point. I believe much can be accomplished thru compromise and negotiation and I'm willin to meet with Mr Morris at my convenience, of course, to see if we can iron out some kinda deal. Ya can see how it would be quite a coup on his part to be able to report to th Board that he has landed me on th Team, eh? A feather in his cap, fer sure!

And it might be a good opportunity fer me too. cuz, th more I think about it, this could be my chance, finally, to make my mark on th world. To finally do somthin that will make a difference in other peoples lives. To influence th kinda music we hear. Y'know, to be..... SOMEBODY!

Damn, if only I had a fuckin radio!

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Uneasy Riders (Pitch Nov.8-16)
Date: Sunday, November 25, 2007 5:52 PM

OK, ya'll, th following is a letter I wrote to th Pitch about a recent article they posted about th hazards of ridin a bicycle in KC. As ya perhaps know already, I am not a bicyclist fan, so If yer a bicycle enthusiast, I suggest ya jus skip th whole thing all together cus it'll get yer blood pumpin! But, if ya insist, when yer finished, mebbe ya oughta get on yer bike and go fer a little spin and use up that extra adrenaline.

****************************

Hmmm, let's see. According to the Mid-Amerika Regional Council 12 bicyclist were killed on area roads from 2000 to 2006. That's an average of two a year. What?! Is this some kind of epidemic or something? Two a year!? How many pedestrians were killed in that same time frame? How many motorists? Are peoples surprised that when two-ton vehicles collide with 35 pound vehicles, some one is going to get seriously hurt or killed, namely, the bicyclist.

To me, it is absurd to put small, two-wheeled, self-propelled vehicles travelling at 8-10 mph on the same roads, designed for 35 mph and upwards traffic. They don't allow cars to travel less than 40 mph on the highway because they pose an obvious hazard to other vehicles traveling at 70 mph. So, why can't bicyclist see the same connection? This is an un-safe mix!! Period!

Let's face it, from the time of the very first motorised vehicle, the bicycle was extinct as a form of travel, kinda like the horse and buggy. Obsolete! For recreation, OK, for transportation, fuggehdaboutit.

As for the 10 sob stories of bicyclists who have had incidents with motorists, Big Fucking Deal; is there a single motorist out there who couldn't relate a similar account they've had with another motorist? How many bicyclists were killed in the last six years as a result of "road rage," as compared to motorists? Do these 10 bicyclists think they're the only ones who were injured in accidents that weren't their fault?

What ever person or persons was responsible for designating bicycles as "'vehicles" in the first place, should be returned to the institution they were erroneously released from.

But hey, you know, I have nothing personal against bikers. Some of my best friends are users, and furthermore, I wouldn't mind at all some portion of my tax monies being spent to provide areas for the recreational use of bicycles. We already spend money for basketball courts, baseball, football, soccer, rugby fields, hiking trails, etc, etc. so why not bicycles too? But of course!
Just keep em off the steeeenking streets where I gotta drive!Now this part I also wrote, but deleted becuz of space restrictions.

********************

Why is it that bicycle vehicles don't have to stop for stop signs? For red lights? Why can they ride their vehicles on the sidewalk, then onto the street at their whim, then across the street against traffic, ride across a public park, then go the wrong way on a one way street without the slightest hesitation. Cuz they apparently have carte blanche to do all those things. With complete impunity!

When was the last time, IF EVER, that you saw a cop giving a ticket to a bicyclist? The next time you see a police officer, ask them how many violations they wrote up on bicyclists in the last year?

Now, peoples on bicycles with motors on them (we call them motorcycles) don't try the stunts bicyclist pull regularly. So why do bicyclist get this special Immunity Status, and yet continue to whine cuz they don't get no respect! Well hell no, they don't get any respect. Why should they? They have absolutely no respect for any of the rules and regulations that motorist must comply with, or face heavy fines and loss of license. How many times have you ever sat at an intersection, waiting for the light to change and had a bicyclist come right by you on the inside lane and cruise right thru that red light? Sheeeit.

What really cracks me up is the claim among bicyclist that they are doing something for the environment by not polluting the atmosphere. Oh pleeeze huh, gimme a break. Do you think all these oh-so environmentally conscious bikers threw away their electric can openers, because of the energy necessary to run them. I suppose they use straw brooms also, cuz those vacuum cleaners use a lot of energy too. It's just another red-herring ploy to divert attention from their lost cause of mixing bicycles and motor vehicles on the same roads. They just fucking don't mix!!!

*************************

I doubt if there's any smaller minority in this country who whine and snivel more about their "abused rights" than these critters. But of course, all these aspersions I'm casting out don't apply to all bike riders; becuz, like, my amigos aren't of that stripe, and I don't judge peoples by their transportation mode! So, to all my bicycle riding friends, I jus wanna say,

"Ride on!" And, oh yeah,

"Be careful out there!"

th cap'm

Subject: Faded Memory
Date: Saturday, November 24, 2007 1:32 PM

My good friend Vegas Judy sent me an email a couple days ago, and besides th Holiday greeting, she mentioned in passing that it was th anniversary of JFK's assassination, that is, Nov. 22, 1963. I usually am aware of such significant dates, like, fr'instance July 20, 1969, (you know that one of course, don't you? th most significant day in human history!) and yet I had forgotten completely about this one! It was only 44 years ago. Damn, it doesn't take long does it, before these kind of things fade from memory. Shame on me for forgetting!
th cap'm

P.S. And it was a rather strange co-incidence that it fell on Thanksgiving this year, eh?

Subject: Armaggedon Approaches!
Date: Wednesday, November 21, 2007 4:13 PM

My good friend Ms. Dorothy, who, by th way, is not from Kansas, sent this amusing bit to me. This typifies th fervor th upcoming football game at Arrowhead, this coming Saturday, between top ranked KU and MU generates around these here parts.

Peoples take this game between these two rival states very seriously. We are awash in coverage. It's crazy! If "The Leader" announced Saturday morning, that all US troops would be outta Iraq by noon, no one would pay any attention. At least, not until th game was over and th ensuing riots had been quelled. And ya would be wastin yer time to point out to th peoples of Kansas and Missouri that th core basis of said intense rivalry, namely, th Civil War, has been over fer some 142 years now. Evidently, some things are not easily forgotten or forgiven.

Check this out fer a chuckle. To come clean, or not?

****************

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer from Council Bluffs, IA who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Des Moines and one of my sisters, who lives in Ames, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Omaha.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Bettendorf for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Davenport. She is still a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Kansas Jayhawk fan?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

*********************

Did I mention Ms Dorothy is not from Kansas?

th cap'm

Subject: Suspender Snappers, Hat Flippers, Pony-Tail Yankers, etc.
Date: Tuesday, November 20, 2007 5:40 PM

Ya ever wear suspenders? Did anyone ever snap them; either th front or th back? Whas up with that? Why do fuckin idiots do that anyway? Is it supposed to be funny? Jus what is it about it that's supposed to be funny anyway? I don't get it. In th hundreds of times thas been done to me I have never once, not once ever laughed and said somthin, like,

"Ha ha. Wow, that was funny. That always cracks me up. Go ahead, do it again. Make me guffaw this time!"

Do they think, like, they're in th middle of a Three Stooges movie or somethin?

Do they suffer from a chronic, retarded sense of juvenile humor? Do they get a sense of Power out of it? Or, are they just simply stupid mutherfuckers? As you can perhaps see, I have some questions as to th motivation of peoples who do that. Personally, it pisses me off! Always!

These are exactly th same assholes who, if you're wearin a hat, will come up behind ya and give it a little flip causin th front to slant over yer eyes. Yuck, Yuck. Isn't that a crockpot of chuckles?

What about th pranksters, who when ya feel a tap on yer right shoulder, and ya turn around, but there's no one there, see, cus they were actually on your left side, and they just tricked you into looking in th wrong direction. Oh man, that's a good one, eh?! Some peoples are jus real characters, huh!

And then of course, ya have yer pony-tail yankers. These are th cretins who walk by ya and find it humorous to give yer pony-tail a little tug from behind. Thas always a lotta fun too. Boy, th laffs I've gotten out of that one over th years!!! Specially when yer jus gettin ready to take a sip of yer beverage.

Y'know.... were I a more aggressive type individual, y'know, a guy seethin with a lotta suppressed hostility.....like, th next time someone snapped my suspenders or flipped th brim of my hat, fr'instance, I would say to em,

"Hey that was really amusin. No kiddin!. Hey, ya wanna see something reely funny? Check this out!"

and then I would blind side em with a bone crunchin punch to th temple, and go, "HAR, HAR, HAR. You should see yerself tryin to get up off th floor. Now, THAT'S funny!!!"

But...I don't do that! Not any more anyway. I take my Anti-Rage pills, which keep me mellowed out and I jus come home, and fire up my device here and rant about it for a bit, and then I feel all better. Yes, I do.

But still...the Fantasy lingers, ya know whut I mean!

the capt

P.S. Th nose punch is also always very satisfyin fer boorish, ill-mannered buffoons such as these. Well, at least fer th nose puncher, not so much fer th punchee, cus, damn, but it hurts to get punched in th nose! Ya always get that crunchy little snap when th bone breaks, and of course, there's that squishy sound of th cartilage, as it re-arranges itself to th new nose configuration. Gosh darn it, it's such a shame, is it not, that as we get older we are not able to enjoy some of th simpler pleasures of our youth! SIGH!

Subject: Nov. 16, 1941
Date: Saturday, November 17, 2007 3:15 PM

As President Roosevelt so aptly noted, "...a day which will forever live in Infamy", which I felt was somewhat of an exaggeration. I mean, c'mon, how bout some slack, eh. But in any case, yesterday was m birthday, and altho I hate all that birthday fanfare and so on, I put on a suit for th silly parade, and th Mayor handed me th keys to th city, and after th ceremony, I quietly slipped away to th saloon.

Later on, near closing time, this drunk (obviously) young gurl, told me that I should be on th cover of GQ. Heck, I didn't even know there was a "Geezer Quarterly."

OK, altho th day is done, somethings are never too late, and I say this only with th intention of salving yer possible guilt feelings, but I would enjoy very much a bottle of Absinthe, y'know, fer my birthday, jus in case ya were wonderin; what do ya get fer th man who has everything? One answer to that dilemma would be...a bottle of Absinthe!

th cap't

P.S. I'm sendin th below with this jus in case ya might wanna ever buy a bottle. Y'know, like jus FYI. I mean, this is not a pathetically veiled attempt to entice a gift outta ya, by providing ya with all th info ya might need someday, to make it simple fer ya to buy a bottle of Absinthe. OK?!

absinthe_newsletter@originalabsinthe.com Date: Mon, Nov 12, 2007,
10:17pm (CST+7) To: absinthe_newsletter@originalabsinthe.com Subject:
Absinthe Newsletter - SPECIAL Offers by Absinthe Original
ABSINTHE ORIGINAL SPECIAL NEWS
Brought to you by Absinthe Original Liquor Store
OriginalAbsinthe.com

And because it's only SIX WEEKS to Christmas, we want to make this issue
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(OK ya'll, notice this offer where you can save 200 smackers. jus a thought. ch)
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This special offer is only available for the limited time only and will expire on the 31st December 2007.

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anyone who wants a less assertive, but flavorful, absinthe distilled to contain 35 mg of thujone. Absinthe Original Innocent is now also available in a smaller 25 cl/8.454 oz bottle size. Is a genuine Verte Suisse absinthe, distilled using 11 plants, including angelica and grande wormwood. Steeping a mixture of aromatic plants in the distillate produces its natural green colour. The taste of this absinthe is just as absinthe was meant to be. It accomplishes what many other absinthes are just trying to accomplish. It is a refined combination that makes no attempts at being overly complex just to stand out. The background herbs dance around the dominant flavors in a delicate and complimentary way. Now, for the first time since 1912, you too can legally partake of absinthe, thanks to the European Union's pointing out a loophole in the U.S. ban.

("Innocent Absinthe" that sounds like an oxymoron to me! hey fuck all those herbs dancin around in complimentary and delicate ways. I want th potent stuff, heavy on th thujone ch)

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(OK, this is more like it. Notice it sez it makes a great gift fer birthdays. Also notice it is, "handcrafted from the finest quality cardboard with attention to the smallest detail". I like th sound of that "quality cardboard" ch)

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(a flask would make a nice touch too. ch)

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(Well anyway, it's no big deal if you aren't able to send me a bottle. I am used to bein shunned and rejected since I was about three years old. Oh th stories I could tell ya, but I won't bother ya with all that. I'm sure ya prolly don't wanna hear about it all!!! Do you?

Aw'right, so, like, I'm not bitter or disillusioned or anythin, OK!? Like I said, it's no big deal. I hope all you guys have a nice birthday when your's comes around. I'm sure your friends will buy you some presents and stuff, and mebbe even have a party fer ya. Boy, I'll bet that would be fun. I bet. ch)

th cap'm

Subject:Do You Believe In A Higher Power?
Date: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 7:11 PM

OK ya'll, I jus wanna make it clear here that I'm not talkin bout, "GOD", OK?! This doesn't have any thing to do with GOD. I'm jus talking about a higher power. (note, thas not capitalized) Make of this what ya will.

Aw'right, this is what happened. I am th driver/go-fer/light bulb changer/dinner fixer/etc, etc. fer an elderly lady 91 years old. Twice a week I take her out to Harrah's, as she is an avid "gamer". (formerly known as a "gambler") I take her to th Let-It-Ride table, and pick her up at a later pre-determined time.

When I went to pick her up last nite she was in a bad mood, down about 700 dollars. She was pretty mad and disgusted. Even tho I was a couple minutes early, she said,

"Let's go Charley, I can't get out of here fast enough."

I said,

"I'm a couple minutes early, Mz. Daisy, why don't you play one more hand, jus for th heck of it."

So, she said,

"OK, just one more!" in a resigned, exasperated tone.

And so, she got FOUR JACKS good fer $1,950 bucks!!!!

Higher power, I dunno, you be th judge!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, this power that be's, got a 200 dollar tip fer that last minute suggestion. (chortle, chuckle) And, oh yeah, I'm available fer consultations.

Subject: To Read; Perchance To Think
Date: Sunday, November 11, 2007 11:01 PM

Remember these old blues songs?

"Who put the Benzedrine in Mrs. O'Malley's Ovaltine?" by Harry "the Hipster" Gibson.

"Who's gonna chop your suey when I'm gone?" by Margaret Johnson.

If ya've ever slept on a park bench, or otherwise had no place to lay yer head down, yu can dig this;

"I hate to see that evening sun go down." W.C. Handy.

Country; "I Saw Right Through You So I Filled You Full Of Holes."

"When It's Tooth Picking Time In False Teeth Valley" by Homer and Jethro.

A reel bad case of "buzzard's luck". D'ya know whut that is? Thas when there ain't nothin to kill, and there ain't nothin dyin.

Akin to Shakespeare's, "Death, once dead, there's no more dying then."

"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."

"did her wrong" Yep, Shakespeare redux.

I got some good news fer ya, and I got some bad news. Th good news is.... ya only die once!

Th bad news is.... it's fer a long damn time! (thanks fer that one Moliere)

Quik-Trip; a short term food and notions needs store.

Howard Nitze, four foot nine inches tall was known as, "Itsy Bitsy" Nitze.

"That part about me being who I was did not impress him."

Th Biblical prophecy, "There shall be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth." spawned th Christian sect, "The Holy Grinders."

Some peoples who make it a point of cutting their fingernails short are baseball infielders, lesbians and intensive care nurses.

Road lizard, outhouse rat.

Did you ever contemplate goin into th worm farm business? Besides th worms bein highly profitable themselves, worm manure makes an excellent fertilizer, altho as ya can imagine, it does take a goodly amount of worm shit to do th north forty!

Ya might be a redneck if....ya have a provincial, conservative, often bigoted socio-political attitude.

Have you ever gotten an obscene phone call from a heavy breathing parakeet?

Does yer house have dog snot smeared on th windows from yer dog tryin to get at th UPS man?

Can a one-legged penguin walk without crutches?

How is it that chickens eat all th time but their faces never get fat?

How long does it take a wooden legged grasshopper to kick th seeds outta a pea pod?

Krispy Kreme originated in 1937 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Clark Gable once asked William Faulkner, "Oh, do you write?"

This is a good one fer when tragedy strikes.

"Sometimes there's just nothing we can say."

And so on.......

th cap'm

Subject: FREE MONEY! FREE! FREE!
Date: Friday, November 9, 2007 3:12 PM

Thas right. Have I gotta deal fer you!!! Thas whut I'm offering to th first person to respond. Sound too good to be true ya say?

Au contraire. I'm making this special, one time offer, in response to some scribblings I received from some peoples disagreein with me on th importance of th penny.

Aw'right, here's th caper. I have a huge glass jar full of said pennies, collected in an earlier age of naiveté, which I will give, absolutely FREE, to th first person who wants em. With but one caveat; you gotta pay th freight on em!

Here's yer chance to show yer support fer th penny and make some big-time bucks in th process.

Write me soonest!

th cap'm

Subject:"Pennies from heaven."
Date: Thursday, November 8, 2007 9:58 PM

Bullshit. Keep yer fuckin pennies. I hate pennies. Whut in the hell are we still doing foolin around with em? They're virtually worthless! Ya know whut ya can buy fer a penny? Nada! As in, absolutely nada fuckin thing! Hell, sheeit, ya can't even buy anythin fer a nickel these days! So, why don't we just round off purchases to the nearest nickel?

Every now and then I see someone drop a penny and wait fer it to stop rollin, and walk over 8-10 feet and pick it up. Why, I ask? I mean, it's a FUCKIN PENNY! fer chrissake! Get real!

If ya had a job pickin up pennies one at a time, and ya got paid by the amount of pennies ya picked up; if ya stooped over 4,680 times in eight hours ya woulda jus made yerself minimum wage. Ya woulda made yerself forty six dollars and eighty cents. A gig at Mickey D's would look pretty damned good in comparison, wouldn't it! (I did have a job one time salvagin bricks from buildings bein torn down fer a penny a brick, but minimum wage was about three dollars an hour then)

I dunno, maybe those peoples are still influenced by the old adage,

"A penny saved, is a penny earned",

ya remember that one, don'cha? Well, mebbe that made sense in 1900, but today in th Third Millennium, what a crock!

I never take pennies in change. I mean, why have them cluttering up yer pockets? Peoples say,

"Well, ya can use them to make change with."

Once again, Big Deal. So ya've saved yerself 2 cents on a twenty-nine dollar and ninety eight cent purchase by taking your two cents change. Now, ya got two cents towards yer next purchase. WHOOPEE!

"Well, take 'em home and put them in a jar and save them til you get enuff to take to the bank."

Right!! Didja read in th papers a few days ago about an old geezer in California who had been doing JUST THAT fer FIFTY YEARS!! When he finally went to th bank with his FIFTY YEARS accumulation of pennies in a CRATE, a crate, no less! He had saved 264.00 dollars. This is fer FIFTY YEARS OF EFFORT!
Which works out at about 43 cents a month. Whew!

Imagine if you save yer pennies 365 days of the year, droppin em into a jar, at th end of th year, after spendin thirty minutes to count and wrap them up, and take em to th bank, ya can go to Mcdonald's and treat yerself to a quarter-pounder and some fries, Jus on th pennies yu've saved up in th precedin year. Whut a deal, eh!! Course, if ya want a drink too, yer gonna have to dig into yer pockets fer that. OK, ya'll,

"A penny for your thoughts."

Sounds kinda insulting to me. A penny? Ya wanta give me a penny fer my thoughts? Hey, fuck you! Yer not buyin my thoughts fer no steeenking penny!

th cap'm

P.S. But ya know whut th best reason of all fer doin away with pennies is? Cuz it costs more than a penny to manufacture a penny! Whut private business person would manufacture a product that cost him more money to make than he could sell it fer? That doesn't make very good bidness sense does it? But, whut th hell, it's th United States Government we're talkin bout here, so, whadda'ya expect!?

Subject: Irresponsible Procrastinators.
Date: Thursday, November 8, 2007 8:34 PM

Some peoples jus let things go, and go, and go, and then, mayhaps act at th last second. I know, Mea Culpa! But then others take it to another level. This is one of them. When I see things like this, I walk with a bit more bounce, knowin these kinda peoples exist.

There's a car parked on th street in front of my house whose license plates expire in October, 1962!!

Those peoples need to get on down to th DMV and get up to date, don'cha think?!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Makes A Bold, Audacious Prediction
Date: Wednesday, November 7, 2007 4:04 PM

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. You will scoff! You will jeer! You will make disparaging and unflattering remarks about me. You'll say things like,

"Are you out of your mind?" or maybe,

"What manner of psychedelic have you done now?" or maybe,

"We knew the cap't was on his way; but this time, he has definitely left the dock!!"

But, you see, that's what captains do! They leave the dock, and travel thru unchartered waters and bring news of their newfound discoveries back to those who elected to stay home and watch Jerry Springer.

So, I'm used to the barbs. I have learned to deal with the critical ridicule sent my way over the years. That's just the way it is. Being th Guru/Sage/Seer carries it's freight. No big deal!

So, lemme give you a little background first, so as to soften the impact of my prediction, and so you can see which way the wind has been blowing for some time now. When I was a young dude, granted, quite a long time ago, back in the late '50s and early '60s, guys wore their hair short and gurls wore their hair long. It was easy to tell a guy or a gurl from behind; the guy had a crew cut; the gurl had long hair. The only exception to this was the Hell's Angels and not many peoples ever confused an 'Angel' for a gurl.

Guys got haircuts. They didn't get their hair 'styled'. They got a haircut. They definitely didn't get their hair permed!!

Guys did not wear bracelets; gurls wore bracelets. Oh, you might wear a silver "ID" bracelet, but that was about it.

Same thing with rings. A guy might wear a school ring, but not many guys wore rings strictly as an "accessory."

Necklaces were for gurls. Guys did not wear necklaces!! Period. Well, except for maybe a St. Christopher medal, but which was strictly a practical matter, to keep you from gettin squashed when you were attempting to beat the train at the crossing, but still, worn under the shirt. The only other exception being some members of the 'Hell's Angels".

Guys did not wear or carry purses, or bags strapped over their shoulders of any kind. Only gurls carried their books to school in bags. Guys carried their books resting on their hips. (that is, those guys who bothered to carry books anyway)

Only gurls wore ear rings! No guy ever went to school or out drinking and raising hell with his buddies wearing an ear ring! With the exception of the "Hell's Angels" and unless you were wishing to be the object of a righteous gang-stomping, you didn't pay any noticeable notice of it. It was like that big silver hoop was invisible!

One guy I knew in '62, in San Berdoo, Calif. had a ring in his nose, a ring in his ear, with a chain connecting them both. Quite a statement in 1962! I mean, Really! But this guy was a GENUINE BAD ASS and could get away with it.

Ya' wouldn't wanta' say to him,

"Hey are you nutso? What in the hail is that contraption on your face?"

No! You wouldn't have wanted to do that! And if you did, I assure you, you wouldn't have ever made that misdtake again!

Gurls back in those days did not wear Levis. Oh, they might have worn some kind of pansy-assed jeans, but guys wore Levis. Gurls did not play soccer! Nor rugby, Nor baseball or basketball. Gurls did not become boxers! Or cops! Or firemen! (note that "fireMen" cuz there were no gurl fireMen) They didn't fly B-52s or F-16s! They were taught how to sew and darn socks and domestic stuff like that. Y'know, cooking and stuff. Important kind of things they would need to know in order to attract a mate.

If a gurl wanted a career, she could become a secretary, or teacher, or a nurse. Gurls didn't wear boots of any kind. Well, not the kind of boots you see gurls today wear as ordinary footwear.

Gurls didn't have tattoos. Hell, hardly any guys had tattoos! Maybe some guys who'd been in the service, or in the joint, or was a member of the Hell's Angels. Man, when you think about it, the "Angels" were way ahead of their time, "sartorially speaking," weren't' they?

OK, having said all this, I just wanted to lay down a bit of precedence for my prediction, and here it is,

WITHIN TEN YEARS, MEN WILL BE WEARING LIPSTICK AND MAKEUP!!!

as casually as gurls do now. IT'S GONNA' HAPPEN!! This trend has been going on a long time now. (see above) With all of the blurring of traditional and cultural distinctions between guyz and gurlz, this is simply the next step. So, I want you to be prepared, so that one day, when your son comes to the breakfast table, before school, wearing lipstick and make up, and your first reaction would be to say,

"What in the fuck-all do you think you're doing, young man? You're not leaving this house looking like that Mister!"

And your son says, "Oh com'on mom/dad, all of the Cool Dudes at school wear make-up!"

and naturally your riposte would be,

"I suppose if all the Cool Dudes at school wanted to jump off a cliff, you would too, huh?"

Aw'right, you can fight it if you want, but eventually, you're just gonna have to accept it, just like you're own parents had to accept all the silly trends and fashions you went thru. You know what tho? As I sit here writing this, while wearing three rings, a bracelet, a watch, a necklace, long permed hair and an ear ring, personally, this next trend around....... I'm gonna take a pass! I don't wanna wear no lipstick!

the cap'm

PS. please don't slay me tho, cuz I'm only the messenger!!

*******************
By th way, I wrote this glance into th Future back in November '02. I still have five more years left fer things to come to pass. Stick around boyz n gurlz fer when I can say, "I told ya so!!"

Subject: World News
Date: Tuesday, November 6, 2007 4:05 PM

What's new in th world of Guinness's Book Of World Records ya ask? I'm glad ya asked. It's been an exciting week kids. First off, mi amigo, Tommy th D, sent this to me yesterday, knowin of my keen interest in all things Guinness's-Book-of-World-Records related. And then th item appeared in today's issue of th Star. One can always count on th Star to provide us with on-going coverage of th major news events of th day.

***********

DUBLIN, Texas - Texan sets record with 87 snakes in tub. Another day, another bizarre world record for Jackie Bibby, "The Texas Snake Man." Bibby spent about 45 minutes in a see-through bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes Monday, shattering his own record by 12 snakes just in time for Guinness World Records Day, which is Thursday. The record was certified by a Guinness official. (jus who in th fuck are these so-called Guinness's officials who "certify" these absurd events, and jus what exactly are their qualifications to "certify" anything? ch)

Bibby sat in the dry tub with a pillow propped behind him to make him more comfortable. He wore regular clothing, and the snakes were not defanged and still contained their venom, he said. Workers placed the snakes in one at a time and removed them one at a time. The clear bathtub was specially made several years ago for Bibby by the Guinness folks for a televised segment. He's used the tub for subsequent attempts at the record for sitting in a tub with snakes. "I have set several world records in that bathtub," Bibby said. The record was Bibby's latest grab at glory. (and what Glory it was, eh? ch)

Last year he set a Guinness-certified record by holding 10 rattlesnakes by their tails in his mouth at once. He said he plans to break that record Tuesday by squeezing in an 11th. (Oh man! I can hardly wait fer that!! I jus hope it's televised. ch)

The Texas Snake Man also said he holds non-sanctioned records for climbing into a sleeping bag head first with 20 rattlesnakes.

(I can't help but wonder jus how many guys are out there climbing into sleeping bags full of rattlers head first? Is it some kind of Texan coming of age ritual? By th way, I'm not bein a sexist pig by excluding yew gurls from this practice, I'm jus assumin there aren't any of ya'll that stupid. ch)

"I do it for the attention," Bibby said. "I like being on television. I signed autographs for 45 minutes today."

***************

Aw'right, tell me somthin, if you were in a restaurant and some one noted "the Texas Snake Man" was there, would ya go over and introduce yerself and th missus and th kids and get yer pic taken with him and get his autograph too?

Fuckin A, ya would! Sheeit. Who all wouldn't be proud as th dickens to have a piece of history like that hangin over th mantle?

Aw'right next on th list of Utter Stupidities, his one will jus blow yer mind with envy. You'll wonder why some guys get all th glory. This fookin mook from Tyler, where else, Texas, is szhezhuled to have his leg hair "officially" measured in his attempt to beat th old record of 4.88 inches. He sez his leg hair is 5 inches, which would mean that he would shatter th current record by .12 of an inch!

WHEW! Th Fame, Th Glory! That oughta give im some braggin rights when th guys all get together, eh!?

Hey, and looky here, imagine how ya could beam with pride if ya could get his autograph too, to go right alongside th Texas Snake Man's. Wow! Yer friends and acquaintances would be constantly wranglin to get an invitation to yer crib, so they could see em fer themselves. You would be, like, a local celeb yerself. Peoples would be drivin by yer house hopin to catch ya mowin th lawn or somthin. "Look Mommy! Look! There he is!"

And speakin of excitement, what about this thing of Thursday bein Guinness's Book of World Records day? They got an official fuckin day now? Will Hallmark be puttin out 'Happy Guinness's Book of World Records Day' cards now? Has any one wished you a Happy World Records Day yet? Have ya bought yer sweeties some flowers and candy? Don't be a clodhopper. Thursday is loomin, ya know. So, like, get on th fookin bus huh, or get left at th station.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Folds His Tent And Absquatulates (th time seemed apropos)
Date: : Monday, November 5, 2007 9:43 PM

Ya May recall I told ya about a week ago about pickin up two books from th library. One, a 1,089 page monster, Against The Day by Thomas Pynchon, and th other a collection of light essays, Long Time Leaving by Roy Blount, Jr. about th trials a "Southerner" goes thru living up in Yankee Land.

Now, if ya are familiar with Pynchon, and ever read anything by him before, ya know he's a reel hard read. I mean, it's not like Dr. Seuess, or The Adventures of Dick, Jane and Spot. It's tuff goin. I made it thru 250+ pages, and WHEW, no mas por favor. I'm gonna wave my white hanky and surrender th field to those better qualified. There was a time when I woulda jus bungled and stumbled my way thru th whole thing jus fer th pure Fuck of it, y'dig. But no more. Jus can't hang!

And up until earlier this afternoon, I felt that even tho I'd already put some time in it, I felt it was worth it becuz of some new words I'd learned. Especially th word, "absquatulate" which I liked th sound of. There is somthin kinda raunchy soundin about it. But it means in fact,

"to move off hastily, to depart quickly and secretively".

So I carefully set it aside on a shelf in my mind, to pick up one day and lay it down on you in a surprise move. (see title)

But then, this afternoon, reading th other book by Roy Blount, Jr. I came across this sentence,

"On both sides of his family, Faulkner came from roughnecks distinguished by drunkenness and absquatulation. They probably absquatulated because they liked the sound of the word."

and thas where I exclaimed to th walls,

"Hell yes. Yer darned tootin! I can dig it!"

Cus thas xactly how I felt about it. So, in a period of two days, I came across a word, in two different books that I picked up th same day, that I had never heard in th previous 65 years! No big deal of course, but do I find that jus a bit strange. Y'know, th co-incidence of it.

Whut would be even stranger boyz and gurlz would be if I went to th library tomorrow and picked up a book, completely at random, and there found th word, "absquatulate" again! Wow! I would have to pick up my entire stash, plenty of rollin papers and some cigarette lighters and retreat under th sink and ponder th implications to me vis a vis th Cosmos and it's meaning to me, and my place here. Pretty heavy shit, eh.

But, sheeit it's all jus a hypothetical anyway, right? Still tho, I don't like to get caught off guard. I don't like surprises, y'know whut I mean.

But I keep thinkin bout th Pynchon book and my inability and unwillingness to see it thru. It reminds me of my dilemma with yer Billy Shakespeare. I'm loathe to admit it, but I jus don't like th dude. I know! I know. Thas like sacrilege. Heresy!

And I feel bad about it, I reely do. After all, Shakespeare is generally acknowledged as th greatest writer of all time, but alas and alack, fer th life of me, this churlish knave jus cannot abide th Bard. And since I'm not in English Lit any more, I jus don't read that which I don't fookin like. Cus I don't havta! See whut ahm sayin.

Now, I tend more towards th works of th likes of David Barry or th inimitable Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, like, fr'instance, th below. Check this out from Dr. Gonzo. This was written sometime after th invasion of Iraq. Speakin of those sneaky Iraqi bastards, can ya imagine goin to an Easter Egg Hunt where they hid th eggs? Sheeit Duke, ya'ed Still belookin!

****************

"We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world, a nation of bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with hate and fear in our hearts.

We are human scum, and that is how history will judge us. No redeeming social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or we'll kill you.

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having all this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush?

They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us; they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis.

And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them."

—Hunter Thompson

***********************
And they say I'M strident? Sheeit. Right on, Hunter! FUCK EM!!!

th cap'm

P.S. I would like to be among th first few thousands to wish You and Yours a "Merry Christmas and A Happy and Prosperous New Year"! And fer th gurls out there, "Happy Valentine's Day".

Subject: The War on Obesity Ratchets Up A Notch.
Date: Sunday, November 4, 2007 5:24 PM

I have some reel bad news fer some of ya out there. Especially if ya happen to be a few lbs. overweight. Under normal circumstances, this would be entirely up to you, and wouldn't be any body else's fookin business. But these are not normal times. We are in a War fer Survival here. Terrorists lurk everywhere. Thas why th Govt. needs to listen to yer phone conversations, read yer e-mails, go thru yer trash, and strip search yer granma at th airport. Vigilance! Thas th key word.

OK, here's th deal. Peoples heavy of foot, listen up. Richard Carmona, former Surgeon General, warned Friday, that Obesity is a National Security problem.
Yep! A National Security Problem! Got that? It seems the more than 9 million overweight and obese children in this country threaten to shrink th pool of eligible servicemen/women in this country. GASP!

Ya see th point is, from a National Security view, that mebbe we won't have enuff boyz and gurlz to allow us to invade various countries of our choosing, in order to bring them Peace and Democracy. Sometimes, as we've seen already, Wars of Peace must be resorted to. And if all our youth are lying idly about, scarfin down Bon-Bons and swillin Cokes and doin th Waddle, and stuff like that: well then, jus who in th fuck-all can we count on to advance our National Goal of Democratizing th Planet? Who will there be to peoples our Peace-Keeping Forces?

Th very same peoples who have long demonized Weed, Booze, and Tobacco are now goin after th Rotund Ones, only for them, it's a matter of National Security no less!

Soon, at check points, set up at random, th Obese Po-lice will be stopping vehicles, and their occupants made to, "Stand th Scales", and those who don't pass muster will be given heavy fines, and fer those who weigh in at more than a certain standard, will be incarcerated as Security Threats.

And th Round Ones won't even be safe in their own cribs. While they're wallowin around, wolfin down Cheezits and swillin non-light beers, squads of heavily armed Swat squads will be bustin down doors, front and back, all of em screamin and shriekin,

"GET ON TH FLOOR. NOW! NOW! GET ON TH FLOOR! DON'T MOVE OR WE'LL BLOW YER HEADS OFF!"

Well, yu've seen th coppers doin that before on th TeeVee, haven't ya, raidin some dude's crib where they confiscate a half-OZ of weed, congratulatin them selves fer takin some dope off th street.

"Yeah, it was a good bust. Took some Bad Guys down and got some narcotics off th street too. Yeah, good show, guys!" followed by a lotta hearty backslaps.
So, like, ya can see what th future holds, eh!? Bring back th mu-mus and long, flowing shirts. Be careful out there in other words. They're watchin ya!!

OK, ya'll, th next time ya order some ice cream at yer Baskin and Robbin's, take a close look at th peoples around ya. See if they're takin notes and writin down license plate numbers. And if they got a camera and are takin pics of their girlfriend, and you jus happen to be right behind her, don't let em get that pic of you in th background; pull yer brim down quickly over yer eyes, or better yet, flee away.

Sure, these are difficult times, but jus keep this in mind th whole time: sometimes to be Safe, we havta give up a few liberties, but remember: it's all fer National Security! And thas good!

th cap'm

Subject: Consumer Tip # 231B From Th Cap'm
Date: Sunday, November 4, 2007 4:10 PM

Aw'right ya'll, I send this bit o info out in my ongoin, continual, persistent Cause to aid th Masses in their efforts to survive, and save some jack at th same time.

OK ya'll, here's a good one fer youse. A chance to save some big bucks. How does 90% off strike ya? Pretty dammned good huh!

OK, all ya gotta do is: take yer butts down to CVS Pharmacy and get 90% OFF on all yer Halloween decorations!! Thas right, 90% off!! Now is defintitely th time to act. So, be th first on yer block to take advantage of this incredible offer, but hurry, cus supplies won't last forever.

No need to e-mail yer profuse thanks, I know, I know.

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, that Xmas music yer listening to now on yer radio is fer this XMas '07. It's not early '08 XMas music. Jus wanted to make that clear.

Subject:Forget About Th Meaning Of Existence; Whut About Th Hot Dog?
Date: Tuesday, October 30, 2007 12:41 PM

Have ya ever heard of a more oxymoronic expression than, "Gourmet Hot Dogs"?

Don't get me wrong here now ya'll, cus I love th Hot Dog. I have been a fan of th Hot Dog my entire life, Hell, back in th '70s when I had my headshop, "Middle Earth", in Westport, I subsisted on one Hot Dog a day from Davey's Stagecoach Inn fer months. So, I am not Anti-Dog. I jus wanna make that clear.

But this notion of a "gourmet wiener" is kinda amusin. After all, we all know th Dog is made up of all those disgusting parts of th animal, that by all rights oughta be fed to th hogs, that is, if ya didn't have anything better to feed em.

But, I can't help but wonder: which cow lips go into th "gourmet" pile, and which ones go into th "regular" pile? Are th bluer ones "gourmet" or is it th "redder" ones? I mean, jus exactly whut is th criteria they use to determine "gourmet" disgusting parts, from th rest of th disgusting parts?

And then, and then..... how can they turn around and charge us 6.00 a lb. fer that stuff?!

And then, ya got yer "all beef franks" which are only made from th disgusting parts of th Moo-Cows. No disgusting parts of Cock-A-Doodle-Do Chicken, or Oink-Oink Pig parts allowed!

Y'know, jus havin consumed two Dogs got me to ponderin on these weighty matters. Now, I have somthin to occupy my time fer th rest of th afternoon.

th cap'm

P.S. Jus to show th respect I have, perhaps ya noticed I capped th Dog in every reference to it.

Subject: Th Turds and Th Kurks
Date: Tuesday, October 30, 2007 11:36 AM

I suppose ya'll have noticed that there's some tension along th Turkish and Iraqi border lately. It seems th separatist leaning Kurds there are crossing over into Turkey, conducting hit and run attacks, and then slipping back across th border into th sanctuary of Iraq.

Th Turks, losin their patience with these tactics are threatening to cross th Iraqi border and strikin back at th Kurds in their home bases.

I don't know where these Turks get th idea that jus becuz they're bein constantly attacked across their borders gives them th right to invade Iraq? I mean, are they goin to claim they have th right to defend themselves? Where ever did this quaint notion come from?

We can't allow this to happen! We need to tell those sonsabitches,

"Hey dudes! Unless ya haven't noticed we already invaded these fuckers!! We got there first, y'dig. Go find ya some other country to invade! This one's ours!!!"

As THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, we cannot allow other countries to jus go in and re-invade countries we've already taken th time and trouble to invade ourselves. Altho I don't ordinarily condone "snitchism," in this case, I think somebody oughta drop a dime on those Turk bastards to th United Nations. Boy, they'll be a sorry then!!

th cap'm

Subject: HELP
Date: Monday, October 29, 2007 1:27 AM

OK, here's th deal. I picked up this little tome by Thomas Pynchon called Against The Day. True to Pynchonesque form, this one runs 1,089 pages. But thas not th problema; before I tackle th rest of th book, I'm still tryin to figure out what this quote on th page after th table of contents means,

"It's always night, or we wouldn't need light."

Is that somthin you can comprehend boyz and gurlz? Am I jus th village idiot, or whut? Sheeit, if I can't even get to page one, then I dunno! By th way, that bit of mysterious Wisdom comes to ya by way of Thelonious Monk! No jive. Go figure. So, ya got any clues or hints fer me?

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, do ya know why Hitler had to quit drinkin gin?

Subject: Th Chicanery Jus Keeps On Keepin On! Ad Nauseaum.
Date: Monday, October 29, 2007 12:38 AM

I spose ya'll have heard about th phony news conference FEMA put on last Tuesday about their handling of th fires in California? Yeah, they had a bunch of their employees play th role of reporters and lobbed soft-ball questions at their representative, Vice Admiral Harvey Johnson, Dep. Director of FEMA.

Whut in th fuck is happening to our country when a Government Agency stoops to faking a news conference? Th brazen, mendacious audacity of it boggles my mind. I mean, th Deputy Director of FEMA, was responsible for this shady charade, not some low level mook, who took it upon himself to try and make th Agency look good.

Some one from FEMA said, in lame-ass excuse mode, that they were merely tryin to get some information out to th public, but used a regrettable and ill advised manner of doin it. No kiddin? Th head of FEMA, Michael Chertoff, said those responsible would be reprimanded!

Sheeit! He and every single individual in that room, including th camera man and sound man, everybody, ought to fired immediately!! And never be allowed to work in a Government position again. And surely there must have been some kind of Federal statute violated? Isn't there a Federal joint somewhere they could be sent to reflect on their poor decisions?

I guess, tho, considering th lies this Administration used to justify th Invasion of another country, and th lies they've used to try and justify five years of War there, a fake news conference shouldn't really surprise. But, it still does, dammit. I keep thinkin; there must be limits, but nooooo. Those fuckers have gotten so used to tactics like this, they jus don't know where to stop.

Man! This is th kind of "news management" that goes on in dictatorships.
Yo Daddy, are we there yet?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Takes On Dick And George, And Emerges Triumphant!
Date: Sunday, October 28, 2007 7:39 PM

I had a dream last nite where my Arch-Nemesis Dick Nixon and George Bush were in cahoots together tryin to get me to divulge th names of peoples on my e-mail list, so they could round em up and send em to re-education camps in Cambodia, and thus rule th World.

Well anyway boyz n gurlz, no cause fer alarm. Ya'll can rest easy cuz I didn't snitch any body out! I told em,

"You'll never take me alive!"

And Georgie got a reel confused look on his face, y'know th look I'm talkin about, and Dicky said,

"Don't worry! Be happy. He's jus bluffin, cuz we already got im."

So I retorted,

"OK, but um...well, yu'll never make me talk then!"

And Georgie's face lit up and he said to Dicky,

"Iss OK. Ve haf vays of makeeng peoples talk."

and so Georgie asked me,

"Ben schvimming lately cap'm?"

and my heart filled with dread, cuz I knew whut was comin.

Yep! They had discovered my Achilles heel. My fear of Death by Drowning. How did they know? Who betrayed me? So, he and Dicky started waterboarding me! Oh man, it was horrible I tell ya!! I couldn't breathe. My lungs were bursting, and finally I had had enuff und so I shrieked,

"Enuff! Enuff of zis Madness."

and from somewhere deep inside, a terrible fury erupted and I found th strength to break th chains of oppression holdin me down. It was a scene reminiscent of, like. Popeye downin a whole can o spinach, y'dig, and tho I be's a geezer, I can still smoke th Nixon/Bush combo any time and so I proceeded to handily kick their asses.

Hey ese, there's some shit I don't have to put up with, and bein intimidated and tortured (dependin of course on whut ya call torture) in my own dreams is one of em, OK!

And so, once again, I saved th world from th Evil Duo of Dick Nixon, and his cowardly protegé, Geo Bush in their quest fer World Domination. (and my e-mail list too)

Havin whupped their butts, I sallied forth and I couldn't help but shout out my rallying cry.

"Damn th windmills, full-speed-boogie ahead!" and lowered my lance.

and th peoples threw laurels and rose petals before me (they love me) and some cried out that I was The Super Hero, but I jus said,

"Aw Shucks, it was nothin! I jus did what yer regular run-o-th-mill Super-Heroes do! Y'know, I was jus bein Super and Heroic, albeit, simultaneously. har har"

And my modesty and humor elicited a huge outpouring of affection from th masses. (See, I told ya they love me!) And I was basking in th adulation and accolades, and it was all Aces me, but of course, dreams are only dreams, eh?

And then I woke up! And it all came back to me. Harsh Strident Reality. I wasn't actually a Super Hero after all; I was jus th cap'm havin another super silly dream. Drats!

Th disappointments one must go thru in Life, eh! And yet somehow we endure. This broken dream, like all th others preceedin it, in time will fade away into th grey mists of memory, otherwise, how would we ever survive! OK, so now, like,

"Whut's next? Bring it on!"

th cap'm

Subject: Chinese Launch Lunar Probe
Date: Friday, October 26, 2007 2:57 PM

Ya prolly didn't hear about this bcus th story was pretty much buried here in this country, but th Chinese jus launched a Lunar Mission a few days ago. This is a major technological accomplishment, and yet, we are told almost nothin about it. It's like, "Ho-hum. So, whas new?"

You can be sure that this story was given major coverage in Asia and Europe, but our Government views th Chinese as a major competitor, as a rival, so they downplay it by not even talkin about it. But whut about our so-called "free press"? Why has there been almost no mention of it there? Do they all get together and collude and say that they will all give it minimal, or no coverage at all? Are they all followin th Government's lead?

Of course, th Chinese made a major PR gaffe by launchin durin th World Series. As THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, we have more important issues on our minds right now than a bunch on Lune Talk. Sox or Rockies? Don't bother me with any inconsequential crap right now, OK! I'm busy!

th cap'm

Subject: Two Letters To Star Reporters
Date: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 4:35 PM

From: capthoohah@webtv.net(Charley) Date: Tue. Oct 23, 2007, 4:01pm
To: mhendricks@kcstar.com
Subject: Your Monday Column On The Semler Controversy

***********************

Normally Mike, I agree with probably 80% of what you say, but I couldn't disagree with you more on your take of the Mayor's position as "principled".
(this is roughly th letter I sent to th editor a few days ago)

I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement in this controversial organization BEFORE he appointed her, THEN he could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his decision. That would mean he went into it with eyes wide open. BUT since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down now strikes me as nothing more than Stubborness, not Principle.

I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked that he wasn't your typical "insider". I thought he was going to make a great Mayor with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT work. Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, I'm beginning to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very well in politics, because in spiteof their good intentions, they simply don't know what the hell they're doing!

Now though, in spite of the negative financial results to the city, the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle. Altho it strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick by your decisions, no matter how wrong and costly they may prove to be, on the Principle that you won't be swayed by reason or rationale to change them once you have "decided".

Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for. His so-called "principle" reeks of nothing but Bull-Headed Stubborness to me!

I further thought that was a real stretch for you to equate the Minutemen with a neighborhood watch group? C'mon, pleeze! I thought vigilantes were organizations formed because there was no other law? How would you feel about people coming from all over the country, patrolling our neighborhoods in SUVs, armed to the teeth, because they said they were just doing the job our local police weren't equipped to do? Would you still be saying,

"Hey, nothing wrong with a bunch of vigilantes!"

Are you behind in your dues Mike? Is that what was behind your Minutemen defense? Did they threaten to cancel your membership, if you didn't demonstrate your support in some way?

I'm not sure on this point, but didn't the Mayor's actions result in our city losing the La Raza National Convention, representing a good part of the large Hispanic population of the entire country, for the Minutemen convention of 300 people representing a small fringe group?

Spin it any way you like, you won't convince me this was good for Kansas City!

charley

***********
Aw'right, this is th letter I wrote to Steve Penn, who I agreed with.

From: capthoohah@webtv.net(Charley) Date: Tue. Oct 23, 2007, 3:17pm
To: spenn@kcstar.com
Subject: Your Views On Funkhouser Re Semler

Mr Penn, I couldn't agree with you more. Normally I like Mike Hendricks, but I was sorely disappointed to read his "take" on this whole issue in his Monday column. It was pathetic.

You, on the other hand, were Right On! We seem to see our Mayor in a similar light, Stubborn, not Principled.

**********

Read Steve Penn's column on th front page of th Local section of today's paper (Tues. 23rd) to see what I'm referrin to.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: My Letter To The Editor
Date: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 3:56 AM

Hmmm, other than the fact that La Raza's withdrawal of their convention is now official, I'm not sure just what this person wants me to "revise".

I read Mike Hendrick's column in today's paper and I disagreed with most of what he said. At one point he said of Funkhouser,

"He stands his ground on what he sees as important principles."

I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement in this controversial organization before he appointed her, then he could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his decision. That would mean he went into it with Eyes Wide Open. BUT since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down now strikes me as nothing but Stubborness, not Principle!

I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked he wasn't your typical "insider". I thought he was going to make a great Mayor with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT work. Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, including accepting a car from a local car dealer, where he said in his defense,

"Hey, who wouldn't accept a free car?"

Oh man, when I read that, I was astonished at his naiveté or stupidity, which ever way you choose to interpret that? I'm beginning to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very well in politics, because in spite of their good intentions, they simply don't know what the hell they're doing! If these first few months are any indication of what's to come, I suspect he and Gloria are going to be one term Mayors.

And, at this point, I think that would be a good thing!

I know a lot of yua'll like the guy, but I'm having a hard time getting on the Funkwagon.

*******************

Yo! The letter, I submitted is below. Lajean suggests I should revise it as a result of "given news events".
charley

From: lkeene@kcstar.com To: capthoohah@webtv.net Subject:
RE: Semler Controversy Date: Mon, Oct 22, 2007, 10:55am
X-Brightmail: Message tested, results are inconclusive"I assume you'll want to revise given news events."
Lajean Keene
Letters Editor
Kansas City Star
letters@kcstar.com
www.KansasCity.com
816-234-4474

-----Original Message-----
From: capthoohah@webtv.net [mailto:capthoohah@webtv.net]
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 1:51 PM
To: letters@kcstar.com
Subject: Semler Controversy

"The way I understand this is that the Mayor appointed Ms. Semler to her post, unaware of her affiliation with the Minutemen. Once her association became public and controversial, he has admitted that he probably wouldn't have appointed her in the first place had he known about it. But defending his action he asked somewhat incredulously, but naively,

"What!? Am I supposed to check the background of every one I appoint?"

Well, YES Mr. Mayor. That would be the prudent and sensible thing to do. See, that way you don't get blindsided.

Now though, in spite of the possible negative financial results to the city, the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle. Altho it strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick by your decisions, no matter how wrong they may prove to be, on the Principle that no matter how bad they are, you won't be swayed by reason or rationale to change them once you have "decided". Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for."

charley guillermo
2525 Snakes and Snails Blvd. North West,
KC, Moo. United Corps. of Amerka

********************

So...what do You think? What is it I'm supposed to revise? And why?? Am I being pressured here? Is this person using La Raza kinda tactics on me? Wanting me to change my opinions? What about my principles? Do I have any? Does anybody reely give a shit? Will you still love me tomorrow? Will there be Peace in the valley? Will Johnny B. Goode? Who is the Rama Lama Ding Dong? There are many questions in The Big City. These are but a few!

Subject: Be Prepared!
Date: Sunday, October 21, 2007 11:34 PM

Today, amongst th regular spam I get every day fer sex toys and what not, one of them had my name behind th addy listed as Wilson Guillermo. I kinda like that cuz I had an uncle who was named Guillermo Flores. Th next time I find myself usin an alias, I think I'll lay that on em. In th future, you can jus refer to me as El Capitano Guillermo.

Aw'right then, enuff of that nonsense, among th others, some one must think I'm paranoid or somthin, (Who me?) cuz it was fer a emergency pre-packaged food survival kit, consisting of MREs. (meals ready to eat) Y'know, like th military uses. Sheeit ese, obviously these peoples don't know I'm already well prepared fer Armageddon. I'm one step ahead of th game, y'dig I have at this very moment, a can of tuna, a package of crackers and TWO bottles of mineral water. Since this will be th Ultimate battle of Good vs Evil, and since I'm on th side of Good of course, I fully expect to survive th turmoil. So, in the words of "Der Leader",

BRING IT ON!

th cap'm

P.S. After th nuclear winter, when th dust settles, Las Cucurachas and I will emerge from under my kitchen cabinet to begin THE NEW WORLD! It's jus possible I could wind up bein, "El Rey de Las Cucurachas!" Well, one can dream, can't they?