joe dreck
Oct. 30, 2007

Joe Dreck, the Captain, figures FEMA learned how to fake
a press conference by watching the real thing.

Subject: HELP
Monday, October 29, 2007 1:27 AM

OK, here's th deal. I picked up this little tome by Thomas Pynchon called Against The Day. True to Pynchonesque form, this one runs 1,089 pages. But thas not th problema; before I tackle th rest of th book, I'm still tryin to figure out what this quote on th page after th table of contents means,

"It's always night, or we wouldn't need light."

Is that somthin you can comprehend boyz and gurlz? Am I jus th village idiot, or whut? Sheeit, if I can't even get to page one, then I dunno! By th way, that bit of mysterious Wisdom comes to ya by way of Thelonious Monk! No jive. Go figure. So, ya got any clues or hints fer me?

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, do ya know why Hitler had to quit drinkin gin?

Subject: Th Chicanery Jus Keeps On Keepin On! Ad Nauseaum.
Monday, October 29, 2007 12:38 AM

I spose ya'll have heard about th phony news conference FEMA put on last Tuesday about their handling of th fires in California? Yeah, they had a bunch of their employees play th role of reporters and lobbed soft-ball questions at their representative, Vice Admiral Harvey Johnson, Dep. Director of FEMA.

Whut in th fuck is happening to our country when a Government Agency stoops to faking a news conference? Th brazen, mendacious audacity of it boggles my mind. I mean, th Deputy Director of FEMA, was responsible for this shady charade, not some low level mook, who took it upon himself to try and make th Agency look good.

Some one from FEMA said, in lame-ass excuse mode, that they were merely tryin to get some information out to th public, but used a regrettable and ill advised manner of doin it. No kiddin? Th head of FEMA, Michael Chertoff, said those responsible would be reprimanded!

Sheeit! He and every single individual in that room, including th camera man and sound man, everybody, ought to fired immediately!! And never be allowed to work in a Government position again. And surely there must have been some kind of Federal statute violated? Isn't there a Federal joint somewhere they could be sent to reflect on their poor decisions?

I guess, tho, considering th lies this Administration used to justify th Invasion of another country, and th lies they've used to try and justify five years of War there, a fake news conference shouldn't really surprise. But, it still does, dammit. I keep thinkin; there must be limits, but nooooo. Those fuckers have gotten so used to tactics like this, they jus don't know where to stop.

Man! This is th kind of "news management" that goes on in dictatorships.
Yo Daddy, are we there yet?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Takes On Dick And George, And Emerges Triumphant!
Sunday, October 28, 2007 7:39 PM

I had a dream last nite where my Arch-Nemesis Dick Nixon and George Bush were in cahoots together tryin to get me to divulge th names of peoples on my e-mail list, so they could round em up and send em to re-education camps in Cambodia, and thus rule th World.

Well anyway boyz n gurlz, no cause fer alarm. Ya'll can rest easy cuz I didn't snitch any body out! I told em,

"You'll never take me alive!"

And Georgie got a reel confused look on his face, y'know th look I'm talkin about, and Dicky said,

"Don't worry! Be happy. He's jus bluffin, cuz we already got im."

So I retorted,

"OK, but um...well, yu'll never make me talk then!"

And Georgie's face lit up and he said to Dicky,

"Iss OK. Ve haf vays of makeeng peoples talk."

and so Georgie asked me,

"Ben schvimming lately cap'm?"

and my heart filled with dread, cuz I knew whut was comin.

Yep! They had discovered my Achilles heel. My fear of Death by Drowning. How did they know? Who betrayed me? So, he and Dicky started waterboarding me! Oh man, it was horrible I tell ya!! I couldn't breathe. My lungs were bursting, and finally I had had enuff und so I shrieked,

"Enuff! Enuff of zis Madness."

and from somewhere deep inside, a terrible fury erupted and I found th strength to break th chains of oppression holdin me down. It was a scene reminiscent of, like. Popeye downin a whole can o spinach, y'dig, and tho I be's a geezer, I can still smoke th Nixon/Bush combo any time and so I proceeded to handily kick their asses.

Hey ese, there's some shit I don't have to put up with, and bein intimidated and tortured (dependin of course on whut ya call torture) in my own dreams is one of em, OK!

And so, once again, I saved th world from th Evil Duo of Dick Nixon, and his cowardly protegé, Geo Bush in their quest fer World Domination. (and my e-mail list too)

Havin whupped their butts, I sallied forth and I couldn't help but shout out my rallying cry.

"Damn th windmills, full-speed-boogie ahead!" and lowered my lance.

and th peoples threw laurels and rose petals before me (they love me) and some cried out that I was The Super Hero, but I jus said,

"Aw Shucks, it was nothin! I jus did what yer regular run-o-th-mill Super-Heroes do! Y'know, I was jus bein Super and Heroic, albeit, simultaneously. har har"

And my modesty and humor elicited a huge outpouring of affection from th masses. (See, I told ya they love me!) And I was basking in th adulation and accolades, and it was all Aces me, but of course, dreams are only dreams, eh?

And then I woke up! And it all came back to me. Harsh Strident Reality. I wasn't actually a Super Hero after all; I was jus th cap'm havin another super silly dream. Drats!

Th disappointments one must go thru in Life, eh! And yet somehow we endure. This broken dream, like all th others preceedin it, in time will fade away into th grey mists of memory, otherwise, how would we ever survive! OK, so now, like,

"Whut's next? Bring it on!"

th cap'm

Subject: Chinese Launch Lunar Probe
Friday, October 26, 2007 2:57 PM

Ya prolly didn't hear about this bcus th story was pretty much buried here in this country, but th Chinese jus launched a Lunar Mission a few days ago. This is a major technological accomplishment, and yet, we are told almost nothin about it. It's like, "Ho-hum. So, whas new?"

You can be sure that this story was given major coverage in Asia and Europe, but our Government views th Chinese as a major competitor, as a rival, so they downplay it by not even talkin about it. But whut about our so-called "free press"? Why has there been almost no mention of it there? Do they all get together and collude and say that they will all give it minimal, or no coverage at all? Are they all followin th Government's lead?

Of course, th Chinese made a major PR gaffe by launchin durin th World Series. As THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, we have more important issues on our minds right now than a bunch on Lune Talk. Sox or Rockies? Don't bother me with any inconsequential crap right now, OK! I'm busy!

th cap'm

Subject: Two Letters To Star Reporters
Tuesday, October 23, 2007 4:35 PM

From: Date: Tue. Oct 23, 2007, 4:01pm
Subject: Your Monday Column On The Semler Controversy


Normally Mike, I agree with probably 80% of what you say, but I couldn't disagree with you more on your take of the Mayor's position as "principled".
(this is roughly th letter I sent to th editor a few days ago)

I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement in this controversial organization BEFORE he appointed her, THEN he could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his decision. That would mean he went into it with eyes wide open. BUT since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down now strikes me as nothing more than Stubborness, not Principle.

I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked that he wasn't your typical "insider". I thought he was going to make a great Mayor with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT work. Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, I'm beginning to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very well in politics, because in spiteof their good intentions, they simply don't know what the hell they're doing!

Now though, in spite of the negative financial results to the city, the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle. Altho it strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick by your decisions, no matter how wrong and costly they may prove to be, on the Principle that you won't be swayed by reason or rationale to change them once you have "decided".

Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for. His so-called "principle" reeks of nothing but Bull-Headed Stubborness to me!

I further thought that was a real stretch for you to equate the Minutemen with a neighborhood watch group? C'mon, pleeze! I thought vigilantes were organizations formed because there was no other law? How would you feel about people coming from all over the country, patrolling our neighborhoods in SUVs, armed to the teeth, because they said they were just doing the job our local police weren't equipped to do? Would you still be saying,

"Hey, nothing wrong with a bunch of vigilantes!"

Are you behind in your dues Mike? Is that what was behind your Minutemen defense? Did they threaten to cancel your membership, if you didn't demonstrate your support in some way?

I'm not sure on this point, but didn't the Mayor's actions result in our city losing the La Raza National Convention, representing a good part of the large Hispanic population of the entire country, for the Minutemen convention of 300 people representing a small fringe group?

Spin it any way you like, you won't convince me this was good for Kansas City!


Aw'right, this is th letter I wrote to Steve Penn, who I agreed with.

From: Date: Tue. Oct 23, 2007, 3:17pm
Subject: Your Views On Funkhouser Re Semler

Mr Penn, I couldn't agree with you more. Normally I like Mike Hendricks, but I was sorely disappointed to read his "take" on this whole issue in his Monday column. It was pathetic.

You, on the other hand, were Right On! We seem to see our Mayor in a similar light, Stubborn, not Principled.


Read Steve Penn's column on th front page of th Local section of today's paper (Tues. 23rd) to see what I'm referrin to.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: My Letter To The Editor
Tuesday, October 23, 2007 3:56 AM

Hmmm, other than the fact that La Raza's withdrawal of their convention is now official, I'm not sure just what this person wants me to "revise".

I read Mike Hendrick's column in today's paper and I disagreed with most of what he said. At one point he said of Funkhouser,

"He stands his ground on what he sees as important principles."

I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement in this controversial organization before he appointed her, then he could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his decision. That would mean he went into it with Eyes Wide Open. BUT since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down now strikes me as nothing but Stubborness, not Principle!

I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked he wasn't your typical "insider". I thought he was going to make a great Mayor with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT work. Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, including accepting a car from a local car dealer, where he said in his defense,

"Hey, who wouldn't accept a free car?"

Oh man, when I read that, I was astonished at his naiveté or stupidity, which ever way you choose to interpret that? I'm beginning to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very well in politics, because in spite of their good intentions, they simply don't know what the hell they're doing! If these first few months are any indication of what's to come, I suspect he and Gloria are going to be one term Mayors.

And, at this point, I think that would be a good thing!

I know a lot of yua'll like the guy, but I'm having a hard time getting on the Funkwagon.


Yo! The letter, I submitted is below. Lajean suggests I should revise it as a result of "given news events".

From: To: Subject:
RE: Semler Controversy Date: Mon, Oct 22, 2007, 10:55am
X-Brightmail: Message tested, results are inconclusive"I assume you'll want to revise given news events."
Lajean Keene
Letters Editor
Kansas City Star

-----Original Message-----
From: []
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 1:51 PM
Subject: Semler Controversy

"The way I understand this is that the Mayor appointed Ms. Semler to her post, unaware of her affiliation with the Minutemen. Once her association became public and controversial, he has admitted that he probably wouldn't have appointed her in the first place had he known about it. But defending his action he asked somewhat incredulously, but naively,

"What!? Am I supposed to check the background of every one I appoint?"

Well, YES Mr. Mayor. That would be the prudent and sensible thing to do. See, that way you don't get blindsided.

Now though, in spite of the possible negative financial results to the city, the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle. Altho it strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick by your decisions, no matter how wrong they may prove to be, on the Principle that no matter how bad they are, you won't be swayed by reason or rationale to change them once you have "decided". Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for."

charley guillermo
2525 Snakes and Snails Blvd. North West,
KC, Moo. United Corps. of Amerka


So...what do You think? What is it I'm supposed to revise? And why?? Am I being pressured here? Is this person using La Raza kinda tactics on me? Wanting me to change my opinions? What about my principles? Do I have any? Does anybody reely give a shit? Will you still love me tomorrow? Will there be Peace in the valley? Will Johnny B. Goode? Who is the Rama Lama Ding Dong? There are many questions in The Big City. These are but a few!

Subject: Be Prepared!
Sunday, October 21, 2007 11:34 PM

Today, amongst th regular spam I get every day fer sex toys and what not, one of them had my name behind th addy listed as Wilson Guillermo. I kinda like that cuz I had an uncle who was named Guillermo Flores. Th next time I find myself usin an alias, I think I'll lay that on em. In th future, you can jus refer to me as El Capitano Guillermo.

Aw'right then, enuff of that nonsense, among th others, some one must think I'm paranoid or somthin, (Who me?) cuz it was fer a emergency pre-packaged food survival kit, consisting of MREs. (meals ready to eat) Y'know, like th military uses. Sheeit ese, obviously these peoples don't know I'm already well prepared fer Armageddon. I'm one step ahead of th game, y'dig I have at this very moment, a can of tuna, a package of crackers and TWO bottles of mineral water. Since this will be th Ultimate battle of Good vs Evil, and since I'm on th side of Good of course, I fully expect to survive th turmoil. So, in the words of "Der Leader",


th cap'm

P.S. After th nuclear winter, when th dust settles, Las Cucurachas and I will emerge from under my kitchen cabinet to begin THE NEW WORLD! It's jus possible I could wind up bein, "El Rey de Las Cucurachas!" Well, one can dream, can't they?

Subject: Th Mayor's Christmas Tree
Friday, October 19, 2007 2:51 PM

I read in Friday's paper where one of KC's oldest and best known holiday traditions is in serious financial trouble due to a drop in donations, since th demise of Jerry Cohen, in 2003. (who I worked for in th late ‘60s)

It's kinda ironic isn't it, because this staunch supporter and long time champion of this Christian tradition was a Jewish person. Perhaps th Christian Community needs to reach out to another Jewish person to help them maintain their Christian tradtions?

th cap'm

Subject: It Was A Dark. Rainy And Spooky Nite
Friday, October 19, 2007 2:37 AM

Aw'right, Wednesday nite, I was leavin th crib. Been rainin all day ya'know. I park my cars in th back. It's dark back there, so I carry my CSI flashlight jus to make sure there's no one lurkin about. I like to be prepared, knowhutahmsayin. I was holdin it in my right hand and I had my closed umbrella in my left. Yeah, yeah, I know it's lame, but umbrellas can be useful somtimes, even tho they are so very uncool. I'm jus holdin ya to keep this strictly between us, y'know, cuz like, I don't want th word to get around that th cap'm uses an umbrella, y'dig! It could cause a radical drop in my CQ.

Well, any way, while I danced my beam around, checkin fer hooligans in th mists, Suddenly! Without warning! From outta no where, Man!

WHAP!!!!! and I mean WHAP!!!!!!!

Wow! I ducked as fast as I could. It was incredible, actually, how fast my reaction was, cuz I've never been know fer my fast reflexes, but I moved like lightening. I had accidentally hit th "ON" button on my umbrella!! Man, it startled th shit outta me, I'm tellin ya!

But what was so fookin strange about it tho, was that it never actually opened. What I mean is; it was kinda quantum mechanical what happened, y'know whut I mean. Cuz it was closed. Then it was open! But it didn't go thru an opening stage. It jus happened instantaneously. It went directly from th "closed" stage to "open" without any intervening opening takin place. Kinda like th particle and th wave. Sometimes it's a particle and sometimes it's a wave; but it doesn't change gradually, it's one and both at th same time. Am I makin any sense here? Said th Cap'm to th ether?

After that little episode, I went back in th crib fer another toke, and to ponder on th Mysteries of th Universe. Whew. I'm wonderin if I should maybe donate my umbrella to Science. Mebbe let some theoretical physicists study it or somthin.
Or, as another possibility, I was thinkin bout gettin ahold of John Edwards. Y'know him, he's th dude who raps with peoples on th "other side". Mebbe he could get in touch with Werner Heisenberg. See what his take would be on this mystifyin incident?

th cap'm

Subject:You Be Th Judge!
Friday, October 19, 2007 1:31 AM

I was sittin down there in th Plazah windin down fer th nite and rappin with this dude and he told me that ya could greatly increase th range of yer automatic car door-lock opener by placin yer device under yer chin and pointin with yer fingers extended in th direction of yer ride. He explained that by placin th device under yer chin yer body amplified th rays and then yer arm focused them. I said,

"Oh fuckin pshaw! Naw! Yer blowin smoke at me!"

He sez,

"Naw, reely. Square biz! It works. Try it sometime!"

So, at closin time, as I egressed th premises, my ride was parked across th street and I usually have to get pretty close before my doors unlock. I decided to check his claim out. So I stood sideways and dropped down into a crouch, with my legs extended. Now, I'm not exactly sure why I felt that stance would be more effective, but it jus seemed like th thing to do. Any way, I turned sideways and assumed th stance and put my opener under my chin and pointed my left arm straight towards my car and punched th button and VOILA, th lights flashed on th car indicatin th doors were unlocked. I exclaimed rather loudly in surprise and shock,

"Eureka! It works!"

And at that very moment this young couple turned th corner and caught me in this rather peculiar position, with my arm extended pointin off into th nite fer some inexplicable reason, but they didn't look at me, and silently walked by, lookin straight ahead, but after they passed, th young chick started gigglin and clutchin her boyfriend's arm and turned around to look at me, and I jus lamely said,

"It works!"

but of course she hadn't th faintest idea what I was talkin about. No doubt they jus thought they were lookin at some whacked out loony-tune. Well, I'm glad I could provide some amusement fer em, even tho they couldn't appreciate my new discovery.

OK, so th next nite I was down by yer Mike's tavern and I wanted to share my new found knowledge, so there were a couple of young gurls sittin there and I told em about it, y'know, like, jus as a public service, y'dig! Also, jus to let em know old geezers know techilogical stff too. Th bartender overheard me and he jus started guffawin. I said,

"I'm not smokin ya dude! It reely works. Here, I'll show ya!"

So we stepped to th front door and my car was parked out by th curb, and I dropped down into my crouch, extended my arm straight out from my side and pointed at my car, and he started laffin at me again. All this chucklin and chortlin at my expense was gettin annoyin, y'know whut I mean. So, I said,

"Go ahead and laugh dude, it may look weird, but check this out!"

And I zapped my car and th lights flashed, indicatin a successful test, and I said,

"So, whadda'ya gotta say now, smartass?!"

And without sayin a word, he took my keys outta my hands and turned his back and pointed it behind him and th lights flashed, and he guffawed again and said,

"Shit Charley, yer only ten feet away from th car. Whadda'ya expect?"

And he turned and went back in th bar shakin his head. Well OK, I realized he was right. It wasn't reely much of a test.

So, boyz and gurlz, I'll leave it up to you. I suggest ya check it out fer yerselves. Th next time yer in a parkin lot, like at th mall, fr'instance, drop into that crouch, point yer arm, and unlock yer doors from 50 feet away. Peoples around ya will gasp in astonishment after th gigglin stops.

Hey! Ya know I wouldn't jive ya bout somthin like this!

th cap'm

Subject: Why I never Learned To Dance
Monday, October 15, 2007 5:30 AM

In th 5th grade I went to Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic School in Montgomery, Alabama. My dad was in th Air Force and had jus been transferred to Maxwell AFB there and so I had arrived at that school in mid-semester. I was "the new kid".

I don't remember exactly, cus fortunately one's mind has a knack fer suppressin bad memories, but my teacher's name was somthin like Sister Mary Bubba.

Durin th course of my Catholic education, we had been told that nuns didn't get married becuz they were, "Brides of Christ". I couldn't help but thinkin at th time tho that, "Bride of Satan" woulda been more appropriate in her case. I always had th sorta sacrilegious thought that as Sister Mary Bubba went thru th bride selection process that, mebbe as a practical joke or somthin, some one, like mebbe Arch-angel Mike-L, fr'instance, was tuggin on Jesus's ear and distracted Him and she slipped right by without Him even noticin. If so, some body had a perverse sense of Humor.

Sister Mary Bubba was prolly 50 years old. Small, bony and shriveled up, her right hand was deformed and looked more like a claw. She had a hump back and she walked stooped over. She looked exactly like a witch in a nun's habit. She had a narrow, ugly face, with an extremely pointed chin, complete with hairy mole. Her teeth were yellowed and snaggled, and when she snarled, which was constantly, she gave you a good view of em, and it wasn't a pretty site, I'm tellin ya. When she showed her fangs, it was enuff to righteously disconcert ya. Square biz! They were bad.

To top off everything, one glazed-over eye looked off in a different direction than th other one. So ya never knew where she was actually lookin. She used to warn us that God had made her eyes like that so she could always see what we were doin. We believed her too. She proved it often enuff. It was uncanny.

Sister always carried a ruler in her left hand to dispence punishment with, and she would use it on ya fer th slightest infraction. Sometimes she would be at th blackboard, and somehow, even tho her back was to us, she might spot ya outta one of those weird eyes lookin out th window, or whisperin to some one, and she would come swooshin down on ya, with her robe billowin behind her, eyes blazin, fangs bared, and be crackin yer knuckles, before ya even knew what hit ya. She was never without th Ruler.

It was always clutched in her left hand, jus like Bob Dole always carries a piece of rolled up paper. I don't have th slightest doubt she slept with that ruler gripped tightly in her hand. Sheeit, she was prolly buried with it. She would roam up and down th aisles and would sometimes crack ya in th back of th head fer a wrong answer. This made it specially rough on some of th guys who weren't too bright. They could count on gettin whacked every day.

But fer some reason, gurls were exempt from th Ruler. They were jus sent to th corner. I often times wanted to point out to her that, that was blatant sex discrimination, but in 1951 no one knew what that meant, so I never bothered.

Besides she wasn't th type of person ya could reason with any way. If ya were foolish enuff to question her, well then, th only thing ya could do then was kiss yer ass good bye cuz even prayin wasn't gonna do ya any good.

So any way, every Friday they had been havin square dancin lessons, so th first week, come Friday, we went out on th playground and I was introduced to square dancin fer th first time. Now all my classmates had already been doin this nonsense fer some time, so they all knew whut they were doin, but I didn't have a clue. I was clueless in Alabama!

Th first time they said,

"Swing yer partner round and round."

Well I did that. Yeah, I flung Rosie Rainwater right off into th bushes! So she started bawlin, th little cry baby, and before I knew whut was happenin, Sister Mary Bubba was wailin on my palms with th Ruler. At first I didn't cry, but then I realized she wasn't gonna stop until I did, so I let out some sobs, jus to satisfy her bloodlust, y'dig?

I came to dread Friday afternoons cus it always meant I was in fer a whackin. Besides after swingin several more gurls into th fence and th bushes, none of th gurls wanted to be my partner any more and Sister would have to choose my partner. Th "new kid" wasn't exactly reel popular, know whut I mean. Y'know, most kids in school looked forward to Fridays, but I hated em! Every Thursday nite, I used to lye/lay in bed and pray fer rain. This went on fer th rest of th semester. I wasn't tookeen on dancin after that, to say th least.

By th time I got to th 7th grade, we were on Okinawa and all th kids were doin th Bunny Hop, I said, "Fuck that shit." and spent most of my time at th sock hops behind th gym smokin cigarettes with th rest of th hoody dudes. That seemed to me to be a lot cooler than swingin my right leg out when everyone else was swingin their left legs. And then when I would swing my left leg....well ya get th picture.

I danced at my wedding, and mebbe three or four other times, but thas it. So like, who sez teachers can't leave a lasting impression on ya!? Huh?

Sheeit Duke, when ya get right down to it, I guess I been pretty much outta Synch ever since! Thanks Sister Mary Bubba; ya ruined my social life!

th cap'm

Subject: Beth Gottstein, WONDER WOMAN
Thursday, October 11, 2007 10:27 PM

Fourth District at-large councilbitch Beth Gottstein wants to ban smoking in th city's bars, restaurants and casinos. Sheeit ese, besides yer car and yer own home, they're bout th only places left where ya Can smoke any more. She claims she's received hundreds of E-mails supporting such a ban.

What th fuck is it with peoples like this anyway? Hasn't she done enuff? Where does she get off tryin to force a business owner who decides he wants to allow th patrons of his business to smoke if they want to, not to allow smokin in his joint? Who in th fuck is she to tell him how to run his business?

If yer a non-smoker and yer freaked out over second hand smoke, unless some one sticks a gun to yer head and forces ya to go in his joint, what's yer bitch? Jes stay th fuck out and ya won't have any problema, but this woman has made a crusade of this issue.

I think she must see herself as some kinda Joan of Arc of non-smokers. I'm sure if she had her way she'd make it illegal to smoke in yer car and yer own home too. And then after that, sheeit, I wouldn't put it past her to call fer th criminalization of possession of tobacco. Lock those filthy nic-addicts up. After all, it's fer their own fookin good.

This self-centered, ego-maniacal, hot doggin, (insert yer own 4 letter word of choice here) said,

"I've been looking at this for some time...I think this will actually encourage business."

Ha ha Oh pleeeze, Pleeeze! Godam, give me a fucking break!! Sheeit, considerin all th business potential, I wonder why this whack job doesn't open up her own non-smoking bar? I mean, how could she go wrong with all th peoples clamorin fer such a place? I'll tell ya why; cuz she and her wait/staff would be sittin around playin checkers all nite, that is, if somebody could explain th game to em.

In this same article, a bartender at Harry's Country Club, said he supports th ban. Get this tho, he said he enjoys puffing on a cigar, but hates leavin work reekin of cigarette smoke. Oh mercy, whine me a river huh?! Check this jerk, cigar smoke is OK, but,

"I can't stand second hand smoke."

I guess his mantra would be,


Ya know what, cigarettes don't bother me, but I've never met th cigar smoke yet I could handle, but I would never tell a dude his smoke was botherin me. The bartender said he is also worried about what second hand smoke is doin to his health.

Listenin to him snivel bout his smelly clothes and health hazards would be kinda like a firefighter complainin about th fire and smoke he has to put up with. Or mebbe a naval pilot tellin ya how night landings in bad weather sometimes make him shit his pants. That can be odiferous too, y'know.

Hey, I got a suggestion fer this bartender,

"Hey man, when that dude holdin that pistola to yer head happens to get distracted, flee away as fast as ya can, and get a gig at th nearest day-care center, or mebbe th library. You'll be safe there."

But, ya know why he stays at that horrible job, in spite of all his snivelin? It's not th dude holdin th gun to his head, nah, it's all that $$$$ he drags outta there every shift. It can be a significant equalizer, eh!?

Oh by th way, I quit smokin three years ago, so I'm not a disgruntled smoker, y'dig! I'm jus sick and tired of self appointed do-gooders injectin them selves into my life at every turn. Hey Beth Gottstein, take care of yer own damn self and leave th rest us th fuck alone!


th cap'm

Subject: A letter I wrote to th Star
Thursday, October 11, 2007 8:37 PM

In Tuesday's edition (9/10/07) you printed an AP story about Michael Devlin pleading guilty to multiple kidnapping and sodomy charges. In the last paragraph of the story right directly across from a photo of the two young victims, you noted,

"While it is the Associated Press' policy not to identify victims of sexual abuse in most cases — and the STAR generally does not identify them — the story of Shawn and Ben has been widely publicized, and their names are well known."

OK, that explains the name part, but perhaps you could explain what journalistic purpose was served by publishing their photos yet once again? I'm curious. Do you think that perhaps the boys and their families get a kick out of seeing their pictures in the paper? Or maybe you think we have forgotten what they look like, and so as a reader service you felt the need to show us once more? What's your policy on that?

th cap'm

Subject: A Tale Of Redemption
Thursday, October 11, 2007 5:15 AM

I read in today's paper where a former cab driver was arrested fer th murder of a prostitute back in '93. He strangled her cuz she couldn't pay her fare.

I drove a cab myself fer ten years and I kinda know how he felt, cus I had many fares I felt like stranglin, but of course I never did. Altho one nite I did actually try and run over one asshole cuz th sun-uva-bitch beat me outta a 3.50 fare. Mutherfucker!! Fortunately fer both of us, he was too fleet of foot, and I missed im. Jus barely.

Later, as I reflected on my actions, feeling guilty, I resolved to never try and kill any one again fer stiffin me outta a fare, and so numerous peoples got away with it after that without so much as a scratch.

But back in '93 when that girl was strangled, she was last seen getting in a taxi cab and they had a composite drawing of th cab driver posted all over th cab company. He was a long-haired guy with a goatee and wore glasses. A number of guys kidded me about th resemblance to me. When I saw th drawing, I could see why, cuz there was a definite likeness there.

A couple days later th dispatcher announced over th radio that a detective wanted to talk to me, so I went down to th po-lice station and they questioned me fer about an hour and a half and took some Polaroid pictures of me to pass around and then let me go. I had no idea tho whether they had dismissed me as a suspect or not. I was pretty paranoid about it all and wondered if they had a "tail" on me and was constantly checkin my rear view mirror..

One nite I was over at some friend's crib and we were all drinkin and gettin jacked up and a gurl there asked me point blank if I had killed that gurl or not? I found that very annoyin. I told her,

"You know something young lady, you are really irritating me!"

Those of course weren't my exact words, but y'know, like, that was th gist of what I said. Some peoples formed what ya might call a protective shield around her and escorted her out th door. I told em that wasn't really necessary and that I hadn't planned on breakin that wine bottle over her head, cuz I'm not a very violent person. But she left any way. Every one agreed she was a party-pooper and a real S-Q-U-A-R-E. But I could tell she only asked what others wondered.

And becuz they also ran that drawing in th paper, as th days went on, I began to feel like peoples were makin me fer a gurl strangler everywhere I went. I would walk into McDonald's and before I even ordered I would say in a loud voice.

"I didn't do it! It wasn't me! I'm innocent I tell you. I'M INNOCENT!"

And peoples would look at me, y'know, like, I was jus yer ordinary run-of-th-mill ravin loon. So, I called that detective a few days later and he told me th guy they were lookin fer drove fer a different cab company, and they weren't interested in me, and so I relaxed and eventually forgot about it.

Until today that is!! When I read about this dude's arrest in Colorado, it all came back to me and I went "Zounds!" All I can say now is,

"See! I TOLD YA SO!"

th cap'm.

Subject: I'm Confused
Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:48 PM

Some things puzzle me, Y'know whut I mean?! Like, whas th difference between a violin and a fiddle?

They look exactly alike to me, but th dude who plays in th Philharmonic would prolly scoff and be insulted if ya said he played th fiddle there. And th dude in th blue grass band would wonder jus whut in th hail wuz wrong with yew if ya asked him bout his violin? So, whut's th deal?

And hey, Is it,

"Party hearty"?
"Party hardy"?

I have often read reviews of th movie The Wild One with Marlon Brando. Remember that movie? That was soo cool. I was, like, 14 at th time. Johnny (Brando) was th jefe of th Black Rebels MC gang and Chino (Lee Marvin) was th boss of their rivals, check this, th Beetles. Haha No jive. But any way, a lot of reviewers will quote Johnny as sayin,

"Man, we jus wanna whale!"

and they will go on and babble bout how kids at that time didn't even know what he meant by "whale"; they jus wanted to be like him and "whale" too. Whut bullshit. We knew exactly whut he meant and it didn't have nothin to do with "whaling". Whut he said was,

"Man, we jus wanna WAIL!"

"Wail" not "whale" y'dig? Ya dumb fucks! Y'know, like, a musician wails, like when ya beat somebody up, ya wailed on im. Every time I read that, it pisses me off cus th fucker obviously doesn't know whut th fuck he's talkin about.

And then we have dumb fucks criticizin Obama cuz he wasn't wearin an Amerkan flag pin on his lapel. Oh th Horror, eh?! How fuckin crazy can they get with their phoney ass patriotic bullshit? If ya don't wear a godam flag pin on yer lapel, yer not patriotic? Th fuckin stupidity of it boggles th mind. Those imbeciles at Fox News will grasp at any straw, no matter how absurd, to put some body in a bad light. I wonder; do all Fox News employees wear flag pins? Are they required to, or they just all super-patriots?

Why don't they jus take those flag pins and pin em on their foreheads if they wanna show how patriotic they are?

Sheeit. It's disgusting! And confusin! Sometimes I feel like I'm jus goin round and round, gettin dizzy with th absurdity of it all. Then I sheepishly realize I AM goin round and round, cuz I'm on th Merry-go-round!! Or else, as happened recently, I forgot to get out of th revolvin door. Fer awhile there I thought I was jus havin a bad case of th Deja Vu, cuz I keep seein th same scenery over and over.

Sheeit, I dunno! It's all jus too confusin sometimes, knowhutImean.

th cap'm

Subject: Uplifting E-Mail
Wednesday, October 10, 2007 6:59 PM

Earlier today I got an email from my buddy, Jimbo, who told me how, during his stint at South West Missouri State, he refused th chance at fame and celebrity by not joinin in th effort to set a world's record for peoples doin th funky chicken. Kudos, Jimbo. If only others would emulate you in yer restraint!

Remember boyz and gurlz, Just say NO to Guinness's!

th cap'm

Subject: This Crap Jus Never Ends
Tuesday, October 9, 2007 5:17 PM

OK, see this week's nonsense bullshit involves 450 high school students playing th largest game of twister to set a new Guinness's world record, taking th old record away from th Netherlands, back to THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD where it belongs. So, we can all walk with our heads a little higher today thanks to some high school students in Fargo, N.D.

I think Guinness must pay fookin idiots money to go out and do idiotic things so they can get Guinness's name in th paper once a week.

th cap'm

P.S. If ya ever wonder why our youth are so incredibly stupid; it's cuz they don't wanna learn anything. They jus spend all their time tryin to think up some new moronic stunt to get into GBR.

Subject: Th Cap'm Keeps On Striving
Monday, October 8, 2007 4:14 AM

As my amigo, th Brucester noted elsewhere, I am tryin to set a world record for th longest, continuing complaint against th Guinness Book of World Records. As ya may recall, I have told ya how it's almost impossible to go fer a week without readin some place about some new goofy, totally stupid world record thas been set. So, in that respect my quest is no dumber than any of th other aspirants.

OK, this week it seems that a new record was set fer th most skips a stone could make bein tossed across a body of water. Did'ja miss that? Yep, this dude claims that his stone skipped 51 times. Or maybe it was 52. I don't remember for sure. But who reely gives a shit anyway? I mean, do you care? I sure as fuck don't, but let's jus say it was in th low 50's, aw'right!

Now, jus in case ya do care, cuz mebbe ya had yer eyes set on breakin th old record of 41, fugghedaboutit. Th bar has been raised significantly, eh! Ya better be goin back in training cuz I think ye'll need a bionic arm to best this new record.

Personally tho, I'm skeptical. I wonder jus how one goes about verifyin such a feat anyway? I mean, did he have a bunch of peoples there who counted th skips? Did they employ a high-speed camera? Did he pick up a stone off th ground or did he employ a specially designed artificial stone? And if so; wouldn't that be cheating? Did he have to submit to a drug test? Was he jacked up on meth at th time?

In a few short years, will we have to listen to his tearful public apology, a la Marion Jones, about his deception and his "bad decisions"? Will we ever find it in our hearts to forgive him? A fer myself, if this turns out to be a hoax, I'm not th forgiving kind. In this Age of Betrayal, how can we trust in anything? And if we can't trust in th Guinness's Book of World Records, pray tell, whut th hell can we trust?

Sigh. So many questions, and as usual, so few answers!

th cap'm


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