Subject: Stay Far Away From Doctors!
Date: Sunday, September 30, 2007 10:29 AM

This past Tuesday, th 25th, I was jus yer regular ol galoot, in general good health, and not much to concern myself with. But about a month ago, with about 500,000 miles on th system, y'know, in other words, havin been around th block more than a few times, I thought mebbe I oughta take myself in fer a check up. Jus to make sure I didn't need any maintenance.

So, my appointment was on Wednesday, th 26th. Sheeit ese, that was a mistake! I shoulda stayed home.

Now, I'm gobblin down a dozen pills a day. Thyroid, arthritis, emphysema, poor circulation, high cholesterol, sheeit I don't know what-all. Last week, I was perfectly fine, y'dig, but after jus one visit to th doctor, this week I'm a broken down wreck. Like I said, I shoulda stayed home!

So, boyz and gurlz, unless ya've jus been hit by a truck or somthin, my advice to you would be to jus avoid yer doctor like th IRS. Remember, No News Is Good News.

th cap'm

Subject: Re: different pharmacy prices
Date: Sunday, September 30, 2007 10:21 AM

Aw'right ya'll, if ya gotta pay fer yer meds outta yer own pocket; before ya buy em any place else, ya need to check out th prices at price-chopper's pharmacy.

I had to get some more meds today. so far it works out like this. costwise,

CVS ................165.00
wal-mart...........143.00
price-chopper...117.00

If ya notice thas 48 bucks difference from CVS. a substantial amount. My bud, vinnie tells me ya can get em even cheaper by usin yer Canadian dealer. i'm lookin into that. but if ya don't wanna go that route, it looks like price-chopper is yer best bet, at least around here.

broken down and collapsin in KC, (jus joshin)

th cap'm

Subject: : Consumer Alert: It Pays To Shop Around, Heed Th Word Peoples
Date: Saturday, September 29, 2007 6:03 AM

Fer all ya'll out there, who like myself, don't have any kind of health care; th next time you need a prescription filled, I suggest ya check around, before ya go to wherever ya normally do fer these kinda transactions. Looky here Duke, when ya gotta drag that jack outta yer own pocket, instead of yer health care provider payin th tab, it can make a big difference and is worth th effort.

Like, I recently needed a script filled. My doc, knowin my situation, suggested I check with th pharmacy at Wal-Mart or Price Chopper fer a good price. There are no Wal-Marts any where near me and altho there's a Price Chopper only about three miles from where I live, I didn't feel like drivin there. So, instead I went to a CVS pharmacy about a block from my crib.

Fortunately fer me, after havin already given th doc 145 bucks cash fer my visit with him, I didn't have th 127 bucks on me fer th pills. So I went home to get some more jack, but I figured as long as I was there I might as well call Price Chopper, jus fer th helluva it, to see what they charged.

Well sheeeit ese, they only charged 87 bucks fer th same fookin pills! If ya don't have yer calculator handy, thas a savings of 40 dollars!! So, even tho I hadda spend an extra 20 minutes drivin time, fer 40 dollars that was well worthwhile, eh?

Now, I understand different places gonna charge their own prices fer th same thing, BUT, I had no idea th difference would be so big......127 dollars vs 87 dollars!

OK, so jus keep that difference in mind before ya shell out yer money some place jus cuz thas where ya always go. Ya might be surprised, and ya can check those prices over th phone too. And here's somthin else to keep in mind; with yer savings, ya can then pick up some extra 'product' from yer regular dope-slinger down on th corner.

Cap'm Hoohah, (Champion of th Consumer, Defender of th Oppressed, Lion of Judea, etc, etc, and so on and so forth)

Subject: Th On-going, Continuing, Never Ending, Eternal Quest For Fame
Date: Monday, September 24, 2007 3:42 PM

Wow, th week has jus begun and already I have read in today's paper where 1800 people turned out in North Olmstead, Ohio in an attempt to set a new world's record for the largest harmonica play along. Th tune everyone played was "Frere Jacques". I'm not prejudiced or anything, but that sounds kinda "froggy" to me. Sheeeit ese, isn't there some kinda Amerkan music they coulda played, like, whut about, "Home, home on the range", fr'instance?

How fuckin exciting can a Monday get, huh? I told ya that ya can't get thru a week without hearin about guinness's book of world records and some one's efforts to get in there. They shoulda called out th Ohio National Guard and surrounded that place and rounded up those mooks and put every single one of those fookin loony-tunes in a Re-Education Center of some sort.

But ya know whut reely pissed me off about that story, is that it didn't say whether they were successful or not! Whut kinda shit is that? They taunt us and tease us with this inspirin story, but then, we don't know whether to go out and get drunk and celebrate; or whether to go out and get drunk and depressed?

OK, then, in today's paper we also get this hot news item.

"Icky deaths, Part One"

A story about an 18 year old who fell in a vat of sulfuric acid.

And then,

"Icky deaths, Part Two"

A story about a guy who ripped th head off a tame duck in a hotel lobby.

Aren't those clever, catchy headlines? Our Kansas City Star gets more and more like a tabloid every day. It pisses me off to pay my money fer a paper and then read utter crap like this! Yeah, yeah, I know, Love it or Leave it!

th cap'm

Subject: re: chiefs win
Date: Monday, September 24, 2007 1:27 AM

Oh fuck, i gave em too much credit. i said 3 field goals and a touchdown, but it seems there were only 2. 13-10 i believe th score was. an exciting victory.

th cap'm

Subject: Herm Edwards; Football Coach And Word Innovator
Date: Sunday, September 23, 2007 4:50 PM

Well, our fucking Chiefs barely, but finally, win a game in true, typical Herm Edwards style. Whoopie! Three field goals and a touchdown got Herm creamin in his pants. Watchin a football game Herm Edwards is involved in is about as exciting as counting th cracks in yer ceiling.

See, here's th thing; I don't like Herm. I don't like his football philosophy. I don't like his personal philosophy. I don't like his looks. I don't like th way he speaks. I don't like anything about him. Did'ja know that players on Herm's teams are fined for usin what he calls "bad language", like they're a bunch of fuckin eleven-year-old kids or somthin.

Last year Herm told an anecdote on himself about when he was aguest on th sports program called The Best Damned Sports Show and he had to introduce th show and had to say th title. giggle giggle titter titter. Oh my gosh, he had to say, "damned". hehe. He was, like, soooooo embarrassed. Well, can't ya jus imagine! Havin to say a naughty word like that. Out loud. And on th TeeVee too. Isn't that jus th cutest story ya've ever heard from an NFL head coach!?

But oh, hey, never mind those petty criticisms I have of Herm Edwards, football coach, I wanna give Herm credit fer introducin a new word into th English language. When I first heard him utter it in a post-game interview, I thought he mighta jus stumbled over th word. But then he said it again. Hmmm, I thought,

"Mebbe Herm is jus so flush and excited in his victory, he's unable to speak and enunciate clearly."

But then in his next interview a few minutes later with Len Dawson, he said it again twice more, so I guess he said whut he meant to say. It seems he's makin a concerted effort to get peoples accustomed to hearin it.

He said, and I'm paraphrasing here somewhat,

"Yeah, they were flustrated."

Then a second later,

"No question about it some of th guys were obviously flustrated out there, and it showed."

Whut we have heah, boyz and gurlz, is an attempt to communicate by combining two words into one. flustered + frustrated = "flustrated". See whut I mean!

OK so, th next time ya insert that word into a conversation, and some nit-pickin bastard calls ya to task on it, refer em to th Herm Edwards Chiefs/Vikings post game interviews of 9/23/07. If Saint Herm can say it, then..........need I say more?

th cap'm

P.S. I also noticed that Herm observes some guys are good football players. This is pretty much his standard, stock answer to any question bout any body. as in, "He's a good football player." Or later as in, "He's a really good football player." Or he might say, "Yeah, no question about it, he's a good football player." Or, "Th reason we drafted him is cuz he's a good football player." Or, "Th reason he did so well against us is cuz he's a good football player." Thas th whole secret to success in that game of football: be a good football player. If ya don't believe me, ask Herm Edwards!

Subject: Th Cap'm Observes
Date: Friday, September 21, 2007 5:02 PM

I watched a show on cable last nite about tattoos. Th narrator said this,

"Today, approximately 12 million Amerkans have one or more tattoos".

Not more than two minutes later he said this,

"It is estimated that one out of ten Amerkans have one or more tattoos."

As I thought about these two stats there, somethin jus didn't seem to jell.

"Hmmmm, I dunno. There's somthin amiss here. I don't quite know whut it is, but I got a gut feelin about it that; either one, or more of these stats are wrong. Whadda'ya think?"

Oh yeah, by th way, on a completely unrelated subject, I think, tho no one will long remember, or care naught, fer that matter, but still,

I think

Reese Witherspoon

has th ugliest chin I ever seen.

Next time ya see a pic of her, check it out. It would make yer average witch green with envy. Hey! Ya know I wouldn't smoke ya bout somthin like that!

th cap'm

Subject: As It Was, So It Still Is
Date: Friday, September 21, 2007 4:35 PM

Regurgitation from th past. OK, ya'll, th below is a response I wrote to some folks who criticized me fer some anti/bush-anti/war war comments I had written earlier.

***********************

February 14, 2003
Subject: Some flak....to which I say, "Ho hum."

Well, it seems that there are those who think I should be unceremoniously dragged out of my crib and hoisted by my neck right in my own front yard for my lack of Patriotism and Disrespect to o "Our Leader". It seems like we're back in that time of Vietnam where if you disagree with the government's position, you are vilified and painted as “un-patriotic.”

You must fall into line. No talking. Big Brother has got his eyes and ears on you.

"Our country, Right or Wrong!",

"America...love it or leave it!"

No dissension allowed. This is a nation where Big Business and The State merge to form an alliance of Belligerent Nationalism. There is a word for it...it's called “Fascism,” not Democracy!! George Bush is gonna do what he thinks is Right for the world. It really matters not what the world thinks; what do they know?!

And as he noted, protesters are, after all, "irrelevant.”

So, it still never fails to amaze me the hypocrisy of those “Patriots” who tout the Freedoms and Liberties we enjoy in this, THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF TH WORLD, ie, Freedom of Speech, fr'instance....that is, until you say something they don't like....then, all of a sudden, it's like...... forget about that freedom of speech thing, it's...

"Somebody get a rope and let's string this steenking, ungrateful, mouthy bastard up!!"

God bless You and God bless Amerika

the capt

Subject: In Quest of a World Record
Date: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 7:56 PM

Speakin of mind numbin repetition and over-kill, ya remember how a week ago I was talkin about how annoyin I find th guinness book of world records. Well, truth be told, I guess I was mebbe rantin and ravin about it, y'know, cuz thas jus th way I'm wired. But anyways, I was carryin on about how ya couldn't even go one fuckin week without hearin about some new bullshit record bein set?

Remember that?

Like, last week, it was how many surfers could catch th same wave simultaneously, and then there was th controversy over th biggest sand castle. And then there was th hugging record. Th huggin record, fr'chrissake! Gimme a break, would'ja! Th sheer stupidity of it all jus blows me away.
Ok, fer this week we got th biggest bowl of soup record. Yep, Venezuelan officials claimed a world record on Saturday fer makin th largest pot of stew, dwarfin th current record held by Mexico.

Aw'right, whut I wanna know is; since we seem to be so fookin obsessed with guinness book of world records, why in th fuck-all have we allowed these two third-world countries to get this record in th first place, eh? Are we not th only Superpower in th world?

Surely we have th resources to make a bigger bowl of soup than fuckin Venezuela don't we? Or, is it that we simply lack th will, th backbone if ya will, as a Nation to do whut is necessary? Ya would think we could put bi-partisan politics aside fer a moment and work together to achieve a common goal, wouldn't ya? But noooooo...

It's bad enuff th prestige we have lost in Iraq. It's bad enuff we are losin th War on Terror, th War on Drugs, th War on Poverty, sheeit, we're even losin th War on Obesity, fr'chrssake! Thas right, we are becomin more rotund every day, but are ya tellin me we can't even win th War of th Soup Bowl too?

Sheeit ese, it's things like this that actually make me question sometimes whether we are in fact, th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!! or not? Do ya think th Romans woulda allowed th Venezuelans to do that to them? I don't think so Duke!!!

th cap'm

Subject: "Countdown" with Keith Olberman
Date: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 1:40 PM

Ya ever watch this cable news show? Channel 56. I love it, specially when Olberman goes into one of his anti-Bush, anti-war tirades. He gets me so riled and pumped up I get to leapin up off th sofa pumpin my fist in th air and screamin,

"Right on bro! Give it to him Keith. Let him have it."

But, there's one thing I don't like about it, and it pisses me off, is that every single day, when talkin about Iraq, they show a 20-second clip of about 8-9 GIs walkin down a street, then it shows one of em at a corner pointin his rifle down th street, he moves and th next trooper takes that position momentarily, then a third one covers th street too.

A lotta days, they may show this clip twice, or even three times. In any event you will see this every single day. So th question is; don't they have any other footage, at all, of Iraq in their archives, anywhere, they could show us, jus fer th sake of variety? Well, as a matter of fact, they do have two others. And thas it.
Three clips fer all Iraqi war coverage. No matter what th story is; if it's about Iraq, they're gonna show those same three clips over and over again, and then they'll show em a couple more times.

It's like when ya see a story about th pharmaceutical industry, while th talkin head babbles, they always show a shot of some pills being scraped off a tray with one of those butterknife-like things. It's th standard de riguer shot for drug related stories. If ur gonna to do a story about pharmaceutical drugs; ya must show that clip!

So, whas th deal with this Iraq footage? Why do we have to look at that same footage over and over again, every single fucking day? Huh? Whyizzat?

Surely they have more than three 20-second clips of Iraq in their archives don't they? Is that too much to ask? Are they limited by budgetary reasons, or what? I mean, whas th deal with that? I get so damned tired of it sometimes I'd jus as soon switch to Fox News.

I didn't really say that did I? Whut th hell is th matter with me! I didn't mean it. Really! I was jus stressed out and I 'snapped'. Thas all. It was jus a brief moment of temporary insanity, aw'right! Ya know I wouldn't do that, don't ya! I mean, unless I was totally wigged out on some powerful mind numbing drugs.

th cap'm

P.S.There's another good argument boyz and gurlz to stay away from drugs; sometimes they cloud yer mind to th point, where before ya realize it, yer sittin there on th sofa in a drug induced stupor an yer watchin Bill O'Reilly. Ya jus remember that th next time one of yer peers sez,

"Go ahead dude, jus take one puff. It'll make ya feel like yer on cloud 9."
Stay away from th drugs, OK, cuz that could happen to you! Just say NO!

Subject: Hmmmm. A Question.
Date: Monday, September 17, 2007 12:40 AM

Last nite, a gurl asked me why I dressed like a pimp?

Some what taken aback, I told her,

"Prolly fer th same reason you dress like a hooker."

She was insulted. She told her boyfriend. We had words. I told him she shouldn'na dropped outta Charm School cuz mebbe then she mighta learned some manners.

Outta her hearin, he told me she was a bit drunk, and when she got that way, she could get a bit mouthy. I said, "Thas cool."

But, I told im if he was gonna take up fer his little smart-assed twat of a gurlfriend every time she insulted some total stranger, than he mebbe ought take up some martial arts or somethin, cus she was gonna keep im real busy.

I could tell this wasn't th first time he'd been called on to defend her honor, and I could tell he wasn't real gung-ho bout it either. He took her by th arm and they left.

What'sa matter with young peoples today anyway? Sheeese! A lot of em jus got no respect fer their elders at all. Now, when I was a young person.........

th cap'm

Subject: Speaking Of Peoples Who Have Their Heads Up Their Ass!!
Date: Sunday, September 16, 2007 11:50 PM

Damn it all to hell. I jus realised that I translated Cinco de Mayo as June 5th! And not jus once, but Twice!!! Oh curses, there goes my credibility. Once again! Shot to shit by my own damn self!!

Sheeit. I hate it when I do that. Estupido! Muy estupido! And th reely bad thing is, I did th very same thing last year! What happened to that thing about learning from yer mistakes? It's no wonder is it that some locos think Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day when other cretins think Cinco de Mayo is June 5th?!

Well, sheeeit ese, I don't speak Esapañol. But, at least I got th number right.

Cinco means "five"! Doesn't it?!

th cap'm

Subject: September 16, 1810, Mexican Independence Day
Date: Sunday, September 16, 2007 7:39 PM

Dammit, I feel so bad about not remindin ya'll of this most important of days, so ya could properly celebrate, cuz I know ya count on me fer these kinda reminders. I was sittin in th saloon, downin my cervasa when suddenly, it struck me, I had let it slip by without notice. Curses!

And then, earlier this morning, upon arrivin back at th crib, I tried to hip ya to it but was unable at that time to figure out which one of th two keyboards to try and type on and I hate to type with one eye.

I do want to remind ya'll, once again tho, that SEPTEMBER 16th, 1810, and not Cinco de Mayo, 1862, (June 5th) is Mexican Independence Day. If some one, and there are a lot of these loco loonys around, tries to tell ya that it's June 5th, tell em to pull their heads outta their ass and shut th fuck up, cus they don't know what th hell they're talkin about. See, on Cinco de Mayo, 1862, a Mexican army defeated a larger French army at th village of Puebla. Tho a stunning victory fer our peoples, it had nothing to do with Mexican Independence, any more than, say, th battle of Gettysburg has to do with Amerikan Independence. Not related, y'see.

OK then amigos, it's not too late, let's let it rip, if some what belatedly; grab yer tequila and shout after me,

VIVA MEHICO! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA ZAPATA! and in th words of th great Mexican revolutionary, Elvis Espinosa, VIVA LAS VEGAS!
and toss one back! (don't ferget th lemon and salt)

el capitano,

Mr. Bush, TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!!

Subject: FINALLY! Some Good News From Iraq.
Date: Thursday, September 13, 2007 4:39 AM

Evidently Pres. Bush's troop increase in Iraq has worked. I hope you will excuse me from not referrin to it as "th Surge", cuz I refuse to do that. Fuck a bunch of "surgin". It was an increase in troop levels. Pure and simple!

But, whatever ya wanna call it....as a matter of fact, it has been proven to be so successful that if, and this is only IF, but if things continue to improve in th next six months or so, we will be able to actually withdraw enuff troops to put us back at th same troop level that existed before we increased th troop levels.

I'm sorry, but am I confusing ya here? Yeah, see, here's how it works..... ya increase troop levels...... OK....then, ya withdraw troops back to th level where they were before ya increased em, and then ya can point to progress bein made, cuz now yer able to bring some of th boys home, thus silencin yer critics who want ya to bring at least some of th troops back home. I know, it gets kinda tricky, but believe me, they know whut they're doin!

Ya kinda have to make yer mind do some strange things, to see how this is progress, where, a year later; that is, assumin things go well, ya still got th same number of guys there ya had th year before. But don't be an un-patriotic fookin nit-picker, OK?! Jus go with th program, and don't go lookin fer little minor flaws, aw'right! Jeeeze, fookin cynical bastards!

th cap'm

Subject: Old Babble From Th Distant Past
Date: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 3:01 PM

I wrote this back in March, '03. Ya remember those days, eh?

***************

Subject: Getting in step and toeing the line

A few days ago I rented the old WW11 war movie, The Flying Leathernecks from the library, starring John Wayne, in the hope that I might get some inspiration there, y'know, hoping that I might get more “in synch” (some young peoples here might wonder why I'm referring to a pop rock group) with the "martial" atmosphere currently prevailing. I tried to get, The Sands of Iwo Jima too, also starring John Wayne, but it was checked out by, no doubt, some other Patriot.

When I was about 9 and 10, both these movies, and many others of their nature, made me want to go out and kill some Japs, even though we had already won,
and the war had been over for several years.

All I gotta do now is make a small mental adjustment from “dirty yellow jap bastards” to “raghead Iraqi bastards” and I'll be OK. I have been trying to pepper my conversation with military jingo lingo expressions like, "ROGER" and "WILCO" and, "bomb them back into the stone age". y'know, stuff like that, so that those around me will recognize a fellow Patriot, and won't mistake me for some anti-war, un-patriotic, lilly-liverd, chickenshit, asshole dissident bastard who deserves an ass-whupping!

So far it's working, but one has to be careful and not slip up cuz, otherwise, well, some of yer freedom loving Patriots can get downright nasty in their enthusiams.
this is yer cap't speaking,

OVER AND OUT!!

Subject: What Are We Now?
Date: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 2:38 PM

"harmony and understanding,
sympathy and trust abouding."

Ha ha. Yeah, right!

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius! Aquarius!

Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind's true liberation

Aquarius! Aquarius! Hmmmm. Well, as world as events seem to indicate, I believe it's safe to assume that Aquarius is officially over, eh!?

So what is this? The Golden Age? Nah, I don't think so! Any one got any lyrics to characterize this Age? I lost track some where; what Age are we even in now?

th cap'm

Subject: A Classic Example Of Rum-Speak
Date: Sunday, September 9, 2007 7:50 PM

This is good. I wrote this back in '02. This was our Secretary of Defense for 5 years! Th sad thing is, even with this screwball gone, th nightmare continues, unabated, full stay-th-course ahead!!

*************

June '02.

I think you might like this. I certainly did!! This is an excerpt from a speech Defense Sec. Rumsfeld gave in Europe last week. The issue was 'Terrorism'. and I quote.

"The message is that there are no knowns",

Rumsfeld told reporters. He went on to say,

"There are things that we know that we know. There are known unknowns; that is to say there are things we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns------things we do not know we don't know. So when we do the best we can and we pull all this information together, and we then say, 'Well, that's basically what we see as the situation', that is really only the known unknowns and the known knowns. and each year we discover a few more of those unknown unknowns."

and then just to make sure there was no confusion he summed it up by saying,

"There is another way to phrase that, and that is that the absence of evidence, is not evidence of absence."

Whew, did you get that? I'm sure glad he clarified that cuz I gotta confess, I was just a bit perplexed myself. I know it sounds a bit confusing, but I made great efforts to copy it word for word. But it sounds as though "Donald" and "the Leader" took the same public speaking course, you know, the one taught by the Master himself, Mr. Dan Quale.

It's reassuring to know that we're in good hands, isn't it? With minds like this running the show; what could possibly go wrong?

the cap't

P.S. I'm tellin ya, I did not, nor would not, nor could not.... have made this up. (a little OJ flavor there)

Subject: Those Dumb, Ungrateful, Cowardly French Bastards
Date: Sunday, September 9, 2007 3:36 AM

Do ya'll recall, during th months prior to th invasion of Iraq, how every late nite comedian was havin a ball at th Frenchie's expense. Yeah, th "frogs" told us they weren't ready to go to war jus yet, until it was proven conclusively that the Iraqis actually had Weapons of Mass Destruction. They weren't convinced that they had em.They counseled Patience. They said,

"Ya'll go on ahead, y'heah. We're gonna jus hang fer a while. Let us know how that goes, OK?!"

And so they sat on th sidelines and laid back and popped open another bottle of wine and had a BigMac with fries and mayonnaise.

We of course didn't like their non-cooperative, hang-back attitude one bit and th backlash was strong. I mean, dammit, we're th Leaders of th Free World.

Whut's up with this shit? We're The Superpower. Every one else is supposed to join us in lockstep if we tell em to. And here were these French bastards refusin to ante up. Every nite there were new jokes about th chicken-shit nature of th French peoples, and how, since they had rejected us, we really didn't need em anyway. Like th joke, which pretty much typified our reaction to their rejection,

"Going to war without th French is like going hunting without your accordion."

Nyah, nyah, nyah, so there!! We didn't reely want ya any ways!!!! Th anti-French hysteria got really ridiculous. Th congressional cafeteria went so far as to change the name "French fries" on their menu to, "Freedom fries" which I thought unbelievably ludicrous!! "Freedom fries"! It woulda been funny if it wasn't so fuckin pathetic, petty and childish! And this bit of utter stupidity from our country's leaders; our lawmakers! On th other hand, when ya consider th fuckin morons and imbeciles we put in there year after year, I guess that shouldn't be so surprisin after all, eh?!

OK, so now, here we are, 09-07, some four years, 3,300 + American dead, scores of thousands wounded, 500 BILLION dollars later, and still countin, and we don't hear any more Froggie jokes? What happened? We don't hear nightly what a bunch of pansies they are any more? Hmmmm.

If we had it to do all over again, if we could go back 4 1/2 years, don'cha think about 9 outta 10 Amerikans would say,

"Y'know whut, much as I hate to admit it, I think th French might be right on this one! Let's stop and think about this fer a while longer before we invade that Muslim country on George Bush's insistence and earn th enmity of, not only th Muslims of th world, but th rest of th world too!"

But noooooo........we went along with Bush and company. And look where it got us! No one talks about th WMD's any more. Apparently we went to war there to bring Democracy to a bunch of peoples who couldn't care less about fuckin Democracy! Ignernt fucks! All they wanna do it seems is get down on their knees 5 times a day and worship their Deity. They don't seem to feel th need fer McD's and Big Whoppers and Starbucks and Wal-marts and all th other perks that come along with Democracy. Obviously their priorities are waay fucked up, eh!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Date: Saturday, September 8, 2007 12:20 PM

Here's a little somthin fer HST fans and fer those others of ya that enjoy th thrill of gettin inta th wind. A small excerpt from Hunter's first book, Th Hell's Angels from 1966.

Hunter rode with th Angels (with their permisson of course) fer about a year to get his material fer this book. Altho he rode with em, he was not a made member or even an associate, but mainly an observer. They eventually had a fallin out which resulted in Hunter gettin a Hell's Angel ass stompin. He survived and went on.

****************

MY BUDDY HUNTER

"My first crash had wrecked the bike completely and it took several months to have it rebuilt. After that I decided to ride it differently: I would stop pushing my luck on curves, always wear a helmet and try to keep within range of the nearest speed limit....my insurance had already been canceled and my driver's license was hanging by a tread.
So it was always at night, like a werewolf, that I would take the thing out for an honest run down the coast. I was thinking only to run a few long curves to clear my head.... but in a matter of minutes I'd be out at the beach with the sound of the engine in my ears, the surf booming up on the sea wall and a fine empty road stretching all the way.
There was no helmet on those nights, no speed limit, and no cooling it down on curves. Then into first gear, forgetting the cars and letting the beast wind out..... thirty-five, forty-five.... Then into second and wailing through the lights, no worries about green or red signals, but only some other werewolf loony who might be pulling out, too slowly, to start his own run. Not many of these... and with three lanes on a wide curve, a bike coming hard has plenty of room to get around almost anything.....then into third, the boomer gear, pushing seventy-five and the beginning of a windscream in the ears, a pressure on the eyeballs like diving into water off a high board. Indeed..... so the lever goes up into fourth, and now there's no sound except wind. Screw it all the way over, reach through the handlebars to raise the headlight beam, the needle leans down on a hundred, and windburned eyeballs strain to see down the centerline, trying to provide a margin for the reflexes. But with the throttle screwed on there is only the barest margin, and no room at all for mistakes. It has to be done right... and that's when the strange music starts, when you stretch your luck so far that Fear becomes exhilaration and vibrates along your arms.
You can barely see at a hundred; the tears blow back so fast that they vaporize before they get to your ears. The only sounds are wind and the dull roar floating back from the mufflers. The EDGE... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others---- the living----- are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to chose between NOW and LATER. But the EDGE is still out there."

HUNTER THOMPSON - 1966

******************

Kinda makes ya wanta get astraddle and get it on, huh! Remember what Hunter said ya'll, "th EDGE is still out there!!"

th cap'm

Subject: Somthin To Do On A Long, Lazy Afternoon
Date: Saturday, September 8, 2007 11:23 AM

Hey ya'll fer those of ya out there who like to read stuff, other than, say, oh, Reader's Digest, or USA Today, fr'instance, I recommend ya pick up a book by Tristan Egolf called Lord Of The Barnyard. Besides th fact it's an excellent book, when ya come across an author with a name like Tristan Egolf, ya gotta check im out, eh?! When ya throw a name out like that at yer next book club session, watch those who are on th verge of slumber pick up their heads in interest.

Th central character there, one John Kaltenbrunner, is like no other "rebel" ya may have encountered before in yer readings. He's a one-of-a-kind kinda dude.

Th manuscript was originally rejected by some seventy publishers before a French outfit took it on, much to our benefit. So th next time ya hear some one beratin th froggies ya might tell em,

"Yeah, but at least they had th sense to stay outta Iraq and also to recognize th genius of Tristan Egolf!"

And to pique th interest a bit more, said genius, like John Kennedy O'Toole, who gave us, The Confederacy Of Dunces, also committed suicide at a young age before he could astound us further.

Check it out!

th cap'm

Subject: It Was A Dark And Stormy Night
Date: Saturday, September 8, 2007 3:44 AM

No, but really, it was! Thursday nite, drivin home around 3 ish from yer Fred P. Otts in th Plazah, it was rainin full tilt boogie! It was comin down sideways Duke, I'm tellin ya. Y'know, with th lightening and thunder and wind and all that storm stuff. It was hard to jus see th road.

But thru all th commotion I was able to discern that th in-ground sprinklers were on in th grassy areas surroundin th tennis courts. What th fu.....?

Now, it always amuses me when I see a similar situation in some one's front yard when it's already rainin *like snakes and snails. I always wanna knock on their door jus so I can see what kinda fookin idiots they are? But it doesn't seem quite so funny when, I'm watchin th sprinklers on in th middle of a righteous thunderstorm, and as a taxpayer, I'm kickin in fer part of th lug on that. Whas with that? Don't those guys have anybody there to turn th faucet off?

th cap'm

*did'ja notice th asterisk up there? This is part of my ongoin effort to replace th ol cliche, "rainin like cats and dogs" with a new cliche of my own making. Try it on yer friends in th next appropriate situation in lieu of th old, tired, worn out model. Notice th look of confusion, at first, followed quickly by comprehension as they realize;

"Sure man. Rainin like a mutherfucker out there! Rainin snakes and snails! Yeah, I dig whut yer sayin! Jus never heard it put quite like that before!"

th cap'm

Subject: re: phone call joke
Date: Saturday, September 1, 2007 9:19 PM

My friend ms pat replied to me.

"Charley, you darlin' MCP you, some things never change!"

to which i replied,

"but... but... but, i protest. i sent that as an indictment of an MCP, not as one
who endorses such shallow behavior myself dear pat. oh woe, I am so misunderstood."

*******************

Hmmmm, I wonder what other misperceptions I may have fostered over th years thru my babblings?

Y'know? Like, I love bicyclists, and joggers and pedestrians, and I think peoples who talk on their cell phones while driving are so cute, and I think we should build a wall around th entire United States 60 feet high to keep th illegal aliens out, and I think Geo. Bush and Dick Cheney are both swell guys and it's just a matter of time before we find those WMD's in Iraq, which is why we had to invade their asses in th first place, and I pray for all th Craigs, and Foleys, and Vitters out there, and their fellow neo-con Republicans, who are standing tall and fighting every day for good family values and Decency, and I think every citizen should carry at least two fully automatic weapons at all times and I think we will have to let History decide whether Bush or Nixon was our finest hour and I think this is THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!

Y'know, and there's lotsa other stuff too that I don't have time to get into, but haven't I made myself clear on all this ya'll?

th cap'm

Subject: Duke DA Gets Jail Term
Date: Saturday, September 1, 2007 5:47 PM

Friday I was tickled and delighted to read this headline on my home page,

"Duke DA Given Jail Term"

I always enjoy readin where some sanctimonious, self-righteous ass-hole gets his come-uppance, whether it's a family-values prick gettin caught up in th same kinda shit he's been railing against, or whether it’s a district attorney tryin to make political hay fer himself. So I read that and chuckled over it. Th asshole deserved it.

My laffs were cut short tho when I clicked on to th article further and discovered that this "jail term" was, in fact, ONE Fuckin Day!! Can ya believe that? Whew brother, that sent a shock wave I'll bet thru DA's offices all over th country!

Considerin th possible consequences they might face, they gonna waay reluctant to try and railroad innocent victims fer their own political gain, knowin if it backfires, they might get hit with 24 hours in th slammer. Thas gonna keep em on their toes, eh.

Apparently when a DA withholds evidence that could exonerate peoples, it doesn't matter, cuz he can continue to try and wreck their lives, knowin full well they're innocent, cus he's comin up fer re-election and a conviction will look real good fer him. And when caught fer this transgression, he's given a day in jail!

Oh man, Paris must be burnin!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Star Continues It's Slide Downhill Into Oblivion And Irrelevance
Date: Saturday, September 1, 2007 5:10 PM

About three weeks ago I wrote about th pathetic state th Star has devolved to. Friday's front page was another good illustration of that decline.

There was a large photo, in color of course, of a bunch of kids cheering wildly as their high school football team took to th field in th first game of th season. In th story under th photo were quotes from a freshman football player from Lawson High School,

"It was tough to concentrate in school today. All day it's been really exciting. It's going to be a good year."

And then this, from a sophomore cheerleader at Smithville High School,

"It's always exciting to see how the team is going to be at the first game. We are all excited. We had a pep rally and everyone got excited."

As ya may have noticed there's a lotta excitement in th air. Right on! It's High School Football Time!!

This is all well and good, but it's on th front page of th newspaper fer chrissake!!

Thas where they used to print stuff about, like, y'know, what was going on in th country and th world. Now, we get high school twaddle! Not that there's anything particularly wrong with high school twaddle, y'dig, cuz high school bein high school, whadda ya expect? But sheeit, do they have to put it on th front page? Don't they have a teen section in th paper now? Or a Local section? Or some kinda section fer crap like this?

Sheeit! I mean, I don't take th fookin paper to read about high school twaddle on th front page. Do ya think real newspapers, like, th New York Times or th Washington Post, fr'instance, print stories on th front page about th high school football season accompanied by a big color photo of teenagers cheerin their football team on? I kinda fuckin doubt it!!!

Yeah, I know, I know, th Star is tryin to attract a younger demographic, and they don't want me or my ilk any more. It's like, "Step off Geezer! Ther's some new kids in town!"

It's a sad state of affairs I'm tellin ya.

No jive Duke, th only fuckin savin grace of yesterday's entire paper was this headline on page 10,

NEW VIEW OF URANUS PROVIDES SURPRISES

Ha ha. Other than that, ya coulda saved yer 50 cent! Ya gotta give somebody props fer that headline. And not surprisingly, that story came from where?

Yep, th San Francisco Chronicle! lol

th cap'm

Subject: the phone call
Date: Saturday, September 1, 2007 10:36 AM

Y'know, i don't usually pass along jokes, but this one greatly amused me. behind th humor, there's somthin there that rings true about men's attitudes. check it out.

***************

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we use to have together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. I even have a funky old gray beard.

Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to forget it.

*****************

Chuckle and chortle here. Ha ha. do ya know any one like that?

th cap'm

Subject: Th History Channel Takes A Hit, And Goes Down.
Date: Friday, August 31, 2007 8:11 PM

Yesterday, I watched a show on th History Channel (Lost Worlds. Defense preparations during the Cold War) and there was one segment about a secret bomb shelter that was built for JFK near his Florida retreat. This was built as an emergency temporary shelter for him and his family and his entourage, in th event a nuclar (if geo. bush can do it, so can I) war should break out while they were vacationing there.

Th narrator of th story went on to say,

"This facility was only active for four years. After Kennedy's assassination in 1965 it would serve no further purpose."

Oh sheeeit, what th fu.....? OK, now, did'ja catch that? Thas not a typo; thas what he said. Wouldn't ya think that a show on th History Channel would make a bit of an attempt to get their facts straight? Wouldn't ya think that some one, th narrator perhaps, somebody, fr'chrissake, woulda said, before this documentary was released,

"Hey hold on here guys! Like, Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, not '65!

Ummmm, don'cha think we oughta correct that little faux pas!?"

I mean, it would be like a show on Pearl Harbor where th narrator talked about how on Dec. 7th, 1943, th Japanese attacked. Or like, if some one talked about th invasion of Normandy on June 6th, 1946, or mebbe th moon landing on July 20, 1971. If they can't get even that, th most basic of facts about JFK right, then why should we believe any other damn thing that mighta been said there?
Now, if this show had been broadcast on th Fox Network, I wouldn't thought so much about it, y'know, whadda'ya expect; business as usual, but one expects jus a bit more accuracy from th History Channel, don'cha think?

I do anyway!

th cap'm