joe dreck
Sept. 17, 2007

Joe Dreck, the Captain, DOES NOT want you to send him
an email using this address; call the RNC, instead.

Subject: re: phone call joke
Saturday, September 1, 2007 9:19 PM

My friend ms pat replied to me.

"Charley, you darlin' MCP you, some things never change!"

to which i replied,

"but... but... but, i protest. i sent that as an indictment of an MCP, not as one
who endorses such shallow behavior myself dear pat. oh woe, I am so misunderstood."


Hmmmm, I wonder what other misperceptions I may have fostered over th years thru my babblings?

Y'know? Like, I love bicyclists, and joggers and pedestrians, and I think peoples who talk on their cell phones while driving are so cute, and I think we should build a wall around th entire United States 60 feet high to keep th illegal aliens out, and I think Geo. Bush and Dick Cheney are both swell guys and it's just a matter of time before we find those WMD's in Iraq, which is why we had to invade their asses in th first place, and I pray for all th Craigs, and Foleys, and Vitters out there, and their fellow neo-con Republicans, who are standing tall and fighting every day for good family values and Decency, and I think every citizen should carry at least two fully automatic weapons at all times and I think we will have to let History decide whether Bush or Nixon was our finest hour and I think this is THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!

Y'know, and there's lotsa other stuff too that I don't have time to get into, but haven't I made myself clear on all this ya'll?

th cap'm

Subject: Duke DA Gets Jail Term
Saturday, September 1, 2007 5:47 PM

Friday I was tickled and delighted to read this headline on my home page,

"Duke DA Given Jail Term"

I always enjoy readin where some sanctimonious, self-righteous ass-hole gets his come-uppance, whether it's a family-values prick gettin caught up in th same kinda shit he's been railing against, or whether it’s a district attorney tryin to make political hay fer himself. So I read that and chuckled over it. Th asshole deserved it.

My laffs were cut short tho when I clicked on to th article further and discovered that this "jail term" was, in fact, ONE Fuckin Day!! Can ya believe that? Whew brother, that sent a shock wave I'll bet thru DA's offices all over th country!

Considerin th possible consequences they might face, they gonna waay reluctant to try and railroad innocent victims fer their own political gain, knowin if it backfires, they might get hit with 24 hours in th slammer. Thas gonna keep em on their toes, eh.

Apparently when a DA withholds evidence that could exonerate peoples, it doesn't matter, cuz he can continue to try and wreck their lives, knowin full well they're innocent, cus he's comin up fer re-election and a conviction will look real good fer him. And when caught fer this transgression, he's given a day in jail!

Oh man, Paris must be burnin!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Star Continues It's Slide Downhill Into Oblivion And Irrelevance
Saturday, September 1, 2007 5:10 PM

About three weeks ago I wrote about th pathetic state th Star has devolved to. Friday's front page was another good illustration of that decline.

There was a large photo, in color of course, of a bunch of kids cheering wildly as their high school football team took to th field in th first game of th season. In th story under th photo were quotes from a freshman football player from Lawson High School,

"It was tough to concentrate in school today. All day it's been really exciting. It's going to be a good year."

And then this, from a sophomore cheerleader at Smithville High School,

"It's always exciting to see how the team is going to be at the first game. We are all excited. We had a pep rally and everyone got excited."

As ya may have noticed there's a lotta excitement in th air. Right on! It's High School Football Time!!

This is all well and good, but it's on th front page of th newspaper fer chrissake!!

Thas where they used to print stuff about, like, y'know, what was going on in th country and th world. Now, we get high school twaddle! Not that there's anything particularly wrong with high school twaddle, y'dig, cuz high school bein high school, whadda ya expect? But sheeit, do they have to put it on th front page? Don't they have a teen section in th paper now? Or a Local section? Or some kinda section fer crap like this?

Sheeit! I mean, I don't take th fookin paper to read about high school twaddle on th front page. Do ya think real newspapers, like, th New York Times or th Washington Post, fr'instance, print stories on th front page about th high school football season accompanied by a big color photo of teenagers cheerin their football team on? I kinda fuckin doubt it!!!

Yeah, I know, I know, th Star is tryin to attract a younger demographic, and they don't want me or my ilk any more. It's like, "Step off Geezer! Ther's some new kids in town!"

It's a sad state of affairs I'm tellin ya.

No jive Duke, th only fuckin savin grace of yesterday's entire paper was this headline on page 10,


Ha ha. Other than that, ya coulda saved yer 50 cent! Ya gotta give somebody props fer that headline. And not surprisingly, that story came from where?

Yep, th San Francisco Chronicle! lol

th cap'm

Subject: the phone call
Saturday, September 1, 2007 10:36 AM

Y'know, i don't usually pass along jokes, but this one greatly amused me. behind th humor, there's somthin there that rings true about men's attitudes. check it out.


This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we use to have together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. I even have a funky old gray beard.

Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to forget it.


Chuckle and chortle here. Ha ha. do ya know any one like that?

th cap'm

Subject: Th History Channel Takes A Hit, And Goes Down.
Friday, August 31, 2007 8:11 PM

Yesterday, I watched a show on th History Channel (Lost Worlds. Defense preparations during the Cold War) and there was one segment about a secret bomb shelter that was built for JFK near his Florida retreat. This was built as an emergency temporary shelter for him and his family and his entourage, in th event a nuclar (if geo. bush can do it, so can I) war should break out while they were vacationing there.

Th narrator of th story went on to say,

"This facility was only active for four years. After Kennedy's assassination in 1965 it would serve no further purpose."

Oh sheeeit, what th fu.....? OK, now, did'ja catch that? Thas not a typo; thas what he said. Wouldn't ya think that a show on th History Channel would make a bit of an attempt to get their facts straight? Wouldn't ya think that some one, th narrator perhaps, somebody, fr'chrissake, woulda said, before this documentary was released,

"Hey hold on here guys! Like, Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, not '65!

Ummmm, don'cha think we oughta correct that little faux pas!?"

I mean, it would be like a show on Pearl Harbor where th narrator talked about how on Dec. 7th, 1943, th Japanese attacked. Or like, if some one talked about th invasion of Normandy on June 6th, 1946, or mebbe th moon landing on July 20, 1971. If they can't get even that, th most basic of facts about JFK right, then why should we believe any other damn thing that mighta been said there?
Now, if this show had been broadcast on th Fox Network, I wouldn't thought so much about it, y'know, whadda'ya expect; business as usual, but one expects jus a bit more accuracy from th History Channel, don'cha think?

I do anyway!

th cap'm

Subject: How to Forward E-mail Properly
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:16 PM

My cuz, th lovely Rita, (but she ain't no meter maid, ya'dig) sent this to me recently, and I am passing it on. Do not treat it as an indictment of yerself, or as a personal attack, or as an accusation, for who amongst us are not guilty of some of these things at some time or another, eh?!

Sometimes some things can't be helped, like fr'instance, perhaps ya've noticed that I am continuingly guilty of a violation of Rule # 2. Mayhaps ya've wondered over th years why I persist in doin that?

RE: Rule # 2. "Showing all parties receiving message." Guilty as charged! But with mitigatin circumstances yer Honor.

As I told my cuz, I wanna tell you also, I have called th Webtv peoples several times over th years about not bein able to hide everyone's addys when I send blather out. And it's not that I don't hide those cuz I jusdon't want to take th time; they are there because with this little toy,

YOU CAN'T HIDE THEM! There is no BCC option available on this system. If one has a Webtv, then all addys will show, whether ya like it er not!
Aw'right, so, I only send this on in my ongoin attempt to promote good citizenship and harmony among th masses. Below is message as received.




A friend who is a computer expert received the following directly from a system administrator for a corporate system. It is an excellent message that ABSOLUTELY applies to ALL of us who send e-mails. Please read the short letter below, even if you're sure you already follow proper procedures..

Do you really know how to forward e-mails? 10% of us do; 90% DO NOT.

Do you wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Do you hate it?

Every time you forward an e-mail there is information left over from the people who got the message before you, namely their e-mail addresses & names. As the messages get forwarded along, the list of addresses builds, and builds, and builds, and all it takes is for some poor sap to get a virus, and his or her computer can send that virus to every e-mail address that has come across his computer. Or, someone can take all of those addresses and sell them or send junk mail to them in the hopes that you will go to the site and he will make five cents for each hit. That's right, all of that inconvenience over a nickel!

How do you stop it? Well, there are several easy steps:

(1) When you forward an e-mail, DELETE all of the other addresses that appear in the body of the message (at the top). That's right, DELETE them. Highlight them and delete them, backspace them, cut them, whatever it is you know how to do. It only takes a second. You MUST click the 'Forward' button first and then you will have full editing capabilities against the body and headers of the message. If you don't click on 'Forward' first, you won't be able to edit the message at all.

(2) Whenever you send an e-mail to more than one person, do NOT use the To: or Cc: fields for adding e-mail addresses. Always use the BCC: (blind carbon copy) field for listing the e-mail addresses. This is the way the people you send to will only see their own e-mail address. If you don't see your Bcc: option click on where it says To: and your address list will appear. Highlight the address and choose Bcc: and that's it, it's that easy! When you send to Bcc: your message will automatically say 'Undisclosed Recipients' in the 'To:' field of the people who receive it.

(3) Remove any 'FW' in the subject line. You can re-name the subject if you wish, or even fix spelling.

(4) ALWAYS hit your Forward button from the actual e-mail you are
reading. Ever get those e-mails that you have to open 10 pages to read
the one page with the information on it? By forwarding from the actual
page you wish someone to view, you stop them from having to open many
e-mails just to see what you sent. I know if I discover I must open
umpteen paper clips or e-mails, I get frustrated and just delete before
I ever get to the one I'm supposed to read!

(5) Have you ever gotten an email that is a petition? It states a position and asks you to add your name and address and to forward it to 10 or 15 people or your entire address book. The email can be forwarded on and on and can collect thousands of names and email addresses. A FACT: The completed petition is actually worth a couple of bucks to a professional spammer because of the wealth of valid names and e mail addresses contained therein. If you want to support the petition, send it as your own personal letter to the intended recipient.

Your position may carry more weight as a personal letter than a laundry list of names and email address on a petition. (Actually, if you think about it, who's actually supposed to send the petition in to whatever cause it supports? And don 't believe the ones that say that the email is being traced, it just ain't so!)

(6) One of the main ones I hate is the one that says that like, 'Send this email to 10 people and you'll see something great run across your screen.' Or, sometimes they'll just tease you by saying something really cute will happen' IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! (Trust me, I'm still seeing some of the same ones that I waited on 10 years ago!) I don't let the bad luck ones scare me either, they get trashed. (Could be why I haven won the lottery??)

(7) Before you forward an Amber Alert, or a Virus Alert, or some of the other ones floating around nowadays, check them out before you forward them. Most of them are junk mail that's been circling the net for YEARS! Just bout everything you receive in an email that is in question can be checked out at Snopes. Just go to

It's really easy to find out if it's real or not. If it's not, please don't pass it on. So please, in the future, let's stop the junk mail and the viruses.

Finally, here's an idea!!! Let's send this to everyone we know (but strip my address off first, please). This information is something that SHOULD be forwarded.

OK, so there ya have it boyz and gurlz. Let's all go out there now and be model E-mailers. And remember kids, Tommy Toilet sez, "Always wipe when yer finished!"

th cap'm

Subject: Can You Help Me?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 6:58 PM

Perhaps a lot of you weren't aware of this, but besides bein a former bird watcher, I was also a juggler of lemons while astride my uni-cycle. Until, that is, when one dark and dastardly night, my uni-cycle was stolen by a mysterious one legged thief, who cycled away off into th sodden night. Th loss weighed quite heavily on me, as ya can imagine, and I never quite recovered.

Fer years now, peoples have never believed my version of this story; but it's true! So, if ya should ever see a one legged uni-cyclist, toolin his dark self about, please let me know so that, not only can I reclaim my uni-cycle itself, which I dearly miss, but jus as important, my reputation and credibility.

I want to restore my good name!! And I want my fookin uni-cycle back too!!

th cap'm

Subject: Gettin Into Th Wind
Monday, August 27, 2007 7:57 PM

Earlier I was drivin south down US 71 jus past downtown. Th speed limit alongthat stretch is 55. All of a sudden this young dude on his scooter' roared by me and he musta been doin 75-80 mph.

Nothin reel exceptional bout that cept fer th fact he was on one wheel. Ha ha No jive!! His bike was nothin more than a couple degrees off bein verticle. I mean that dude was just bout standin straight up. It would seem to me th wind resistance at that speed woulda blown him right over backwards, but obviously he knew what he was doin. Whew man.

What a rush that must be!!

th cap'm

Subject: guinness book of world feces
Monday, August 27, 2007 4:08 PM

If ya never bought a piece of shit before, but ya'd like to, well then go buy a copy of th guinness book of world records, cuz thas as close as ya could come, without actually buying yerself a turd, cuz thas a piece of shit! And I refuse to give it even th slightest bit of legitimacy by capitalizing th name. There was a time, somewhere, back in th mists of memory, when it was in fact an interesting and fairly respectable source of authority. Now it's nothin but a mass of totally trivialized crap. This is th kinda shit that goes in there today.

Like, I jus got thru reading a few minutes ago, where some dim-wit 18 year old gurl jus hugged 765 people in less than an hour and plans to send th results in to those even bigger dim-witted idiots to put in their book. I mean, really! Who in th fuck would care about a bit of information as utterly inane, banal and consequential as that? And furthermore, what kinda fuckin moron would it take to participate in anything as mind-numbingly stupid as that? Can ya imagine some one comin into th saloon, beamin with pride as they announce,

"Hey ya'll, I was one of 765 other peoples who jus hugged this chick and now we're gonna be in that stupid book!! I mean, how cool is that?!"

And of course, th whole joint goes abuzz as every one there will swarm about em, wantin to buy em a drink, and shake their hand, and give em a hearty slap on th back, with beau coup high-fivins goin on and mebbe even get their autograph!"
And then all those peoples can leave there and go and tell all their friends and family and strangers they meet at th supermarket bout the celebrity they saw earlier; a participant in a hugging contest. A record set fer huggin peoples. Gonna be in guinness's! Oh, th Thrill!!

No but seriously, can you imagine standin in a line, a real long line, some peoples fer an hour, and ur standin there, while th line slowly advances, sharin little snippets of ur life with other participants around ya, no doubt pullin out yer family photos, and pics of yer gerbil, waitin to give this little 18 y/o chick a hug so it will be put in some stupid-ass book?

And ya don't gotta watch reel close either, cus hardly a week goes by that ya don't read about some other incredibly stupid effort to do some other incredibly stupid thing in order to have it documented in this incredibly stupid book.

th cap'm

Subject: Cuba! Whas Up With That?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007 9:43 PM

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was sellin used cars for Fidel Castro. Thas right!! Selling used cars fer Fidel. Now, this being said, and I know it was jus a dream and all, and I don't wanna make too big a thing out of it all.....BUT...... I'll tell ya one thing about Fidel

Castro: he is a connivin, cheatin sombitch and

I WILL NEVER WORK ON A CAR LOT FOR HIM AGAIN!!! ....even in a dream!!

Thas a fact!! He fucked me out of my commission fer th last time! And if ya got any sense at all you will drive right on by 'Crazy Fidels' and go on down th road to "Crazy Eddys." You'll get a better deal there I promise you!!!

I spose I may have had Fidel on my mind cus I jus heard a sound clip earlier in th evening where Barak Obama said he would re-open trade with Cuba. And his statements caused a major furor. Normalise relations with Cuba? Oh, th Horror!

Well sheeit, it's about fuckin time somebody did! It's about time somebody reversed our insane policy towards Cuba, which every Administration since JFK have blindly endorsed and continued. Fer what reason? To what purpose?

And in spite of th shoddy way he treated me in my dream, I personally have never been a knee-jerk Castro hater. I am always amazed at th picture we have painted of him. I'm surprised we don't refer to him as 'The Great Satan' th way we have demonized him fer th last 47 years!! I don't mean to imply I love th guy, far from it, cuz my antipathy towards him is personal, but I have jus never understood our Government's position towards him and th Cuban peoples.

Sure he was a dictator, so what!? Think of all the other oppressive dictatorships we have supported and done business with all over the world at the expense of their own peoples durin th past 47 years. Sheeit, th examples are too fuckin numerous to mention.

As far as th US is concerned, he is one of th biggest OGRES in the whole fuckin world, and thru association, so is th Cuba Government and th Cuban peoples!

We have had an economic embargo on these peoples for some 45-46 or so years. I mean, we have better relations with N. Vietnam, a country we were involved in an actual ten year war with, fr'chrissake, and who inflicted some 58,000+ killed and a hundred fifty thousand+ wounded on us. But ya can buy a Big Mac in Saigon today tho. We have better relations with China, a Communist country of some 1.3 billion peoples who also have a dismal human rights track record, blah blah blah. This is a country we granted 'most favored nation' trading status to a few years back, and now currently supply us with jus about every godam thing we buy. They have over 900 McDonalds there now. But ya can't send food or medicine to Cuba.

So, my theory is this; I've said it before on numerous occasions, mostly to jeers and hissings. But I believe that....... Castro was in some way responsible fer th assassination of JFK, and becuz of agreements we had made with th Russkies, in connection with th removal of their missiles from Cuba, and becuz of secret agreements with them about Castro and th Cuban government, we could not retaliate against him.

Th common perception is that in that Cuban missile crisis showdown, "the other guy blinked first" as we have been told ad nauseum. Well, thas true to a large extent, but th fact of th matter is that we blinked back too. That wasn't strictly a one way street there, where th Russians gave up Everything, and we gave up Nothing. It was aquid pro quo kinda thing.

Besides quietly pulling our Redstone missiles outta Turkey, which the Russians rightfully considered a threat, we made certain guarantees to them vis a vis Cuba.
Well, sheeit it's a well known fact today that Kennedy had tried to have Castro assassinated on several occasions usin Mafia hit men in some really bizarre attempts. So it's not unreasonable to believe that Castro decided to hit back, but he was successful in doin so!

And our Government, knowin this, but because of bein unable to retaliate against him, becuz of those secret guarantees with th Russkies I mentioned earlier, and not bein able to explain to th Amerikan peoples why we couldn't take him out, came up with th Warren Commission Whitewash to salve our curiosity and formulated an anti-Castro, anti-Cuban policy that would remain in place as long as Fidel Castro was still alive. Th Warren Commission had to really stretch to make some of th facts match their lone-assassin scenario. And yet, there it remains to this day.

This also would help to explain why to this very day, some 44 years after th fact, there are so many documents relating to JFK's assassination that are still classified. Why? Why? Why?

If it all went down as they say, still, that Oswald acted alone and no one else was involved, then why in th fuck is so much of it still classified? What in th world could possibly be there to warrant these continuing decades of secrecy? I'm tellin ya; look at th Castro connection!

You jus watch how quickly we decide to re-evaluate our Cuban policy after El Commandanté checks out. It won't be very damned long I'll bet ya!

Course, as with so many other damned things, I could be wrong. But I don't think so!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Troll Alert, Condition Red!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007 3:25 AM

As ya may recall, recently I mentioned Trolls as one possible cause of th bridge collapse in Minneapolis. I had one mook chide me fer my “insensitivity” fer suggestin such a thing. I replied in as diplomatic fashion as I could muster, I said,


Now, once again, we have had another tragedy. As I mentioned before, Trolls live under bridges and in CAVES, ya'dig! I leave ya to infer anything ya want from that. But, I'll bet tho, yer spelunkers out there could tell ya a story or two about close encounters of th third variety with mysterious critters slinkin about deep below th surface. But, they're mostly reluctant to speak of such things, becuz of th ridicule and derision they might face if they went public.

Most peoples, especially th younger sorts, were never warned when they were younger about bein wary about bridges and caves and th dangers lurkin there. They're a lot more likely to be concerned about a "virus" gettin into their my-space site, than usin a bit of caution when crossin bridges and explorin caves they might come across on their occasional forays out into th wilderness. Th "wilderness" bein any area not covered with asphalt or concrete.

Do ya know how many young peoples go missin every year, and jus seemingly drop off th face of th earth? They're not all shootin meth and turnin tricks down there in th dark side of town. I suspect Trolls are responsible fer more mayhem than any one wants to admit.

So, I'm suggestin that Homeland Security take a closer look at this problem. I'm suggestin that spelunkers and bridge repair workers be formed up into elite units, trained to recognise th telltale signs of th Troll; droppings, fr'instance. It's time to form up and make th "Troll Patrol" operational.

When are we going to wake up and realize th threat right here amongst us? I'm suggestin we take this threat more seriously! When is somebody goin to finally say,


When are they goin to declare a War on Trolls? Sheeit, we got so many other wars goin on, what's one more?

Some peoples say I make too much of this issue; that I exaggerate th threat. I say,

"Pshaw! Wake up Amerika! Before it's too late!"

th cap'm

Subject: Military Tribunals (an idea whose time has come, perhaps)
Monday, August 20, 2007 7:02 AM

Altho I wrote this almost four years ago, it seems jus as relevant today as it did then, doesn't it?


While many peoples oppose this particular concept of Justice, I'm thinkin that mebbe, in certain situations, military tribunals could be applied to a vexin problem facin Amerika and our Way of Life.

I'm talkin here about th dangers posed by th many peoples who are currently drivin about while yakkin it up on their cell phones, and th bicyclists and joggers, and speed walkers, with their arms flailin about, listenin to their sony walkmans, who are clutterin up our hiways and byways, and sidewalks and streets and park paths and malls and jus about every other goddamned place where decent law abidin Amerikans hang out. These kinda anti-social activities need to be outlawed, and those who break those laws need to be held accountable fer their lawlessness. Who can even begin to figure out th rendins of hair and gnashin of teeth these hooligans are responsible fer!?

By placin these palookas in Re-Education camps similar to those run so efficiently by Pol Pot in Cambodia during the 70's, they would be permitted to do stoop labor, while re-adjustin their anti-social attitudes. In employin em thusly, we could also reduce th flood of illegal immigrants comin here looking fer xactly that kind of employment and willin to work on th cheap. Cuz when ya ain't payin em shit, it don't get no cheaper than that!! Even those brown-eyed Joses' ain't gonna work fer nothin, so we could virtually eliminate th illegal immigration problema overnight.

Plus, it would be necessary to build many penal institutions to house em, providin jobs and support fer th Industrial-Prison Complex which has become so necessary to th economic well being of our country. In a Just Society, ya can never have too many prisons, and right now, even tho we're still Numbah One in th world in that area, ya can't jus stand on yer laurels, ya dig. Always gotta be pushin forward. Perhaps we could even induce Milo Minderbender to come out of retirement to oversee th whole operation, usin former PFC Wintergreen as his liaison. And as profitable as it already is, with those two guys runnin th show, this op could turn into an even bigger cash cow.

Now, while I myself have many friends and acquaintances who are other wise good and decent peoples, but sadly to say, indulge in these very same vulgar activities, who may find my ideas odious in th extreme, this can't be helped, cuz, like, th Lawbreakers never like th Lawgivers! Thus was it always so!


ya dig! And ya can quote me on that. And while I would miss my amigos dearly, what is of paramount importance boyz and gurlz is, after all; The Good Of The Country!

Am I Right Or Not!!

th cap't

P.S. Besides, it wouldn't be like they got LIFE (well, maybe in the case of repeat offenders) y'know, jus til they got their heads right. Although fer some recalcitrant types this can be a problem, but if ya happen to be th rebellious type, ask Randall McMurphy, or Cool Hand Luke. They could tell ya how th System deals with individuals who don't 'get with th Program'!

Subject: Somthin Curry-like Goin On In Th Neighborhood
Sunday, August 19, 2007 3:11 AM

I've been noticin lately that there are more and more Indians walkin about here. I'm not talkin Amerikan Indians either, I'm talkin Asian sub-continent Indians. They're drivin up and down th streets, never singly, but always by th carloads. Groups of em hoofin up and down th sidewalks.

I jus noticed this recently. I'm gettin suspicious tho they may be illegal mesican aliens, disguisin themselves as Indians, livin right here amongst us.

So, earlier today, gettin outta my car, goin into my crib, three of em were strollin down th sidewalk, and I noticed one of em was carryin a bag from Taco Bell. Aha! They slipped up and blew their cover. So I thought I'd test em, jus fer th hell of it, so as they walked by I said.


But they didn't say anything back, so I said it again, louder this time,


And they jus looked at each other, fakin it, actin like they didn't understand, but I wasn't buyin it, dig! So this time I said.

"Donde esta el telefono, eh?"

They were still playin 'dumb' lookin at me and jabberin in some kinda secret meskin code no doubt. And then one of em said in some kinda engleesh,

"Are you talkeen to us sirrr?"

So, this time, I figured if they were really some Asian sub-continent Indians they would understand, so, I quoted Robt. Oppenheimer and said.

"We have become Death, the Destroyer!"

Y'know, I figured they would be familiar with Shiva and all, if they were reely Indians of th Asian sub-continent brand, but once again; nothing. I knew it! That confirmed my suspicions. They were gettin kinda antsy and nervous so I said,

"Hey amigos. It's Ok, No la migra! comprende, Muchas chalupas señores."

and I thought rappin with em in their native tongue would relax em, but they were too paranoid by now, and they jus turned and proceeded down th sidewalk and kept lookin nervously over their shoulders. I stood there in th middle of th sidewalk and yelled out.


and thrust my fist in th air in a classic “power salute” and one of em gave me a small tentative wave, and said somthin to his compadres and they all laughed, so apparently they knew I wasn't gonna drop th proverbial dime on em.

See, it jus goes to show ya that these meskins aren't so bad and if they wanta act like they're some kinda sub-continent Asian Indians, I got no problema with that.

th cap'm

Subject: Some Overlooked Movies
Sunday, August 19, 2007 2:02 AM

How come no one has ever made a movie out of On the Road? We've never had a decent movie come out of th "beat" era, and this was th most iconic of all th beat literature. It was, like, th bible of th beat generation, ya'dig. So like, who would ya cast fer Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarity?

What about, The Electric-Kool-Aid-Acid Test? Another great movie lyin there in that book waitin to happen.

Ya ever hear rumors of a movie, Confederacy of Dunces? I've been hearin about it fer years; so where in th fuck-all is it? How would ya cast that one?

Hey, look here, If ya've never read that book before, ya need to. You'll be's chucklin and chortlin all th way thru. Takes place in New Orleans back in th ‘60s. Th author won a Pulitzer posthumously cus he committed suicide in '69 at th age of 32. Th Chicago Tribune wrote,

"A Confederacy of Dunces is an American comedic masterpiece. John Kennedy Toole's hero is one Ignatius J. Reilly, "huge, obese, fractious, fastidious, a latter day Gargantua, a Don Quixote of the French Quarter. His story bursts with wholly original, characters, denizens of New Orleans' lower depths, incredibly true-to-life dialogue, and the zaniest series of high and low adventure."

That is but one of numerous glowin accolades from every critic. Try it; you'll like it.

And what about Catch 22? Aren't we ready for a re-make of that? There's so much material in that book that wasn't even mentioned in th movie with Alan Arkin. Hell, ya could make three movies outta it. And wouldn't ya think th climate rather good for an anti-war movie right about now?

C'mon Hollywood, get with it!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Latest Bottled Water Scam
Saturday, August 18, 2007 8:03 PM

Is there no limit to th lengths these un-scrupulous fuckers will go?

Th latest is "Smartwater". Th Coca-Cola company jus shelled out 4.1 Billion to buy out Glaceau, who formerly produced Smartwater.They subtly imply that drinkin it will make ya smarter. Smartwater marketing VP Rohan Oza (personally, I wouldn't pay any attention about anything to any one named Rohan Oza) said th distilled, electrolyte-infused beverage,

"emulates the hydrologic process. 'Hydro' means water. 'Logic means smart."

Well, thas what he sez. And ya know what, there are plenty of dumb muthafuckers out there who'll buy it too, thinkin they're gonna get smarter. It is unbelievable to me how many of these crazy peoples are out there already payin 6 bucks a gallon for "Water". Who woulda ever guessed you could get peoples to pay that kinda money fer fuckin water, fr'chriisake? They oughta be put in institutions, cus they're obviously not right in th head. And they're out there too, everywhere. Yer next door neighbor might be one of em; or yer co-worker?

Sheeit, you might be one yerself fer all I know, but ya need to be aware an be wary, cus any one that loony is dangerous.

Any time I'm amblin down th sidewalk and I see some peoples approachin me wearin their sweaters tied around their waists and sippin some kinda bottled water, my first instinct is to call 911, and then I immediately cross to th other side of th street, and slip my piece into my pocket where I can get to it. Sheeit, ya don't know what they're liable to do. Peoples that loony; no fuckin tellin!

Th ignernt masses been brainwashed. Th health peoples started telling every one they oughta drink 8 glasses of water a day! Who in th fuck drinks 8 glasses of water a day? How ya gonna drink 8 glasses of water a day? And then they convinced em that their local tap water wasn't safe, and then, right on cue, th bottled water goons stepped in. So peoples started buying this distilled water in th notion it was not only safer, but it was healthy fer em too!

I found it extremely amusin jus a few years ago in France where hundreds of peoples got sick from drinkin Perrier, th Godfather of bottled water. Yeah, some how or other it got contaminated. Ha ha I chuckled fer days over that. But they snake-talked their way outta that. Jus a little minor abberation, no big deal But watch out fer that tapwater.

So, now, ya see folks drivin to work, sippin on their bottled water tryin to get their 8 glass quota in. Peoples at th grocery store ostentatiously sippin their distilled water while grocery shoppin fr'chrissake. Like, they can't go to th store fer 30 minutes without swiggin their vitally precious mineral water.

After a while, th bottled water folks, lookin fer new ways to market their product, started realizin that they had to do somthin to make th product 'sexier' so they started addin flavors to th water, y'know, like strawberry or orange or stuff like that. Then they started lacin it with caffeine, y'know fer an energy boost. (ya can do a hit of crank and get th same effect)

Hey, looky here, I got a swell idea I'm gonna jus throw out there and th first entrepreneur who wants to run with it; go for it! This will be big, I'm tellin ya!! OK, hows bout addin some tea leaves to th water? You could sell it and call it Teawater. I think it'll fly!

OK, so now, we got Smartwater!! Tired of folks callin ya "young and dumb"? They got jus th thing for ya. Tired of folks referrin to ya as "th old dumb fuck"? No more, cuz now with Smartwater peoples will be amazed at yer mental facilities. Hey students, Got an important test comin up? Mebbe a chess match? A couple quarts of Smartwater and ya'll be in like Flynn.

Comin to yer neighborhood market soon from th folks at Coca-Cola. So be smart. Try it...and be smarter! Drink a quart of hydrologic Smartwater and put your brain in first gear and listen while it burns rubber fer a block!

th cap'm

P.S. Hey, this stuff is for real! Rohan Oza wouldn't jive ya!

Subject: I Rest My Case
Thursday, August 16, 2007 1:32 PM

OK ya'll, this incident jus happened a few minutes ago and illustrates exactly why I get so upset with bicyclists. It is so typical of common bicyclist behavior.

I was driving south on Brookside, a four-lane street as ya know. I was in th far right lane, next to th curb, For some reason just ahead, traffic was backed up and cars in my lane were tryin to merge into th left lane. I figured th lane must be blocked by some construction. NAH, it was a bicyclist ploddin lazily along at about 5 mph, completely oblivious to th traffic jam and turmoil she was creating.

As I went by her, I stifled my impulse to share my thoughts with her about herself. After all, she has a "right" to be on that street too, in spite of........well never mind, I don't wanna get into all that right now.

So, anyway, jus a short distance ahead I got caught at a stop light. OK, now pay attention here boyz and gurlz; use yer imagination and try and see this scenario in yer mind, cuz I can't draw ya a diagram. I was th third car in line in my lane and there were four cars in th left lane. I glanced in my mirror and here comes this woman right down th middle between th two rows of cars.

As it happened, she reached th intersection jus as th light changed and she went to make a left turn. Well th guy there in that left lane she was goin to cut right in front of didn't know a bicycle was there, and he jus barely missed her, causin her to lose her balance and almost fall, circlin around, wobblin back in my lane and th car in front of me almost hit her too, blastin his horn, not bein ready fer that.
But no problema fer her, cuz she then proceeded to cross th intersection diagonally right in front of th oncomin traffic!! All cars in all four lanes in both directions halted, with several of em honkin their horns too, but no one moved, not havin any idea what this fuckin idiot was goin to do next. I couldn't contain myself any longer and put my window down and shrieked at her,


I wasn't th only one pissed there, I can tell ya. Hey, but ya know what's goin to happen now, don't ya? Yeah, no doubt, some where in th next few days there'll be a letter to th editor from a female bicyclist complainin about th rude behavior and obscene remarks made at her by some jerk motorists as she was simply ridin her bike, jus tryin to do her part to relieve our dependence on foreign oil and to help protect th environment. Oh, it's jus terrible what th poor, embattled bicyclist must endure, eh!


Th War continues.....but I shall never surrender! Never! I shall fight them on th beaches, I shall fight them in th streets, I shall carry th fight to th enemy and in th end, god willing, I shall prevail!!

I could use some help tho ya'll. I wish some one would organise a power rally fer 'th Cause' down there in th Plaza by th fountains. That seems to be th favorite place to hold rallies. We could all park our cars on th grass and hold banners sayin stuff like,


and chant slogans,


And we be could be rowdy and act like hooligans and throw rocks and bottles and rotten fruits and other stuff at bicyclists who happen to be passin by. And if we should get lucky and knock one of em off their bikes we could........ well never mind, mebbe some chirrun might be readin this, but ya know whut I'm gettin at don'cha? wink! wink! Oh, whut fun, eh! And all fer a good cause.

th cap'm

Subject: KC STAR
Thursday, August 16, 2007 12:01 PM

Below is th letter th Star printed that I sent in a few days ago, minus what they edited out.


"Of course it was a tragedy that two bicyclists were killed while riding on the side of the road. Altho that gentleman and his granddaughter could have suffered the same terrible fate if they had simply been walking there. The point is; regardless of whether you are on foot, or on a bicycle, or even in your car, you are always at high risk to inattentive drivers.

"What bicycle riders, joggers and walkers just stubbornly refuse to admit is, that it will always and forever be extremely dangerous for them to try and use the same thoroughfares that are designed for larger, heavier, faster moving motorised vehicles such as motorcycles, cars, vans, trucks, buses. Now, this is th part they left out.

"No one questions why cars are not allowed to drive 20 mph on a 70 mph highway? It's so obvious why, isn't it? Then why in the world would any one think that a tiny, light-weight two wheeled bicycle being propelled at 5-10 mph should be sharing the same road as vehicles traveling at 35 mph? For their own safety's sake, they ought to be banned from doing so!"


You see what they did? What they did was print what was in effect, a mild, luke warm observation, eliminatin th stridency and shrillness I intended. That abandoned paragraph was intended to make my main point, namely to get th fuckers off th streets!! (as noted in that last sentence) Th way I look at it, if they wanted to eliminate one paragraph, why not th first one?


th cap'm

Thursday, August 16, 2007 6:21 AM

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. (pretty nifty opening line for a story, huh?! HEY, IT'S MINE. DON'T MESS WITH IT)

Years ago....... it was 1971..... I had inherited a cat from an elderly lady I rented from, and who no longer was able to take care of it. I named the cat, 'Killer', in a brilliant flash of creativity, because of course, Killer was the antithesis of a "killer". (wasn't that cleaver of me! And so original too)

He was a huge, white cat, with the most mellow temperament you can imagine. A really big cat. I mean, if Killer had been just a tad bigger, I could have saddled him up and ridden him thru the neighborhood.

Just to give ya' some insight into how killer's mind worked, sometimes, when Killer wanted to lay down, he didn't go thru any wasted energy, like, actually going thru the motions of laying down. No..... what he did was....he would just stand there......and then he would just flop over on his side with a loud thump! He looked like one of those pictures you see where the buffalo gets shot, and, WHAM, he's slapped on his side.

One night my room mate, in a moment of drunken faux pity, brought home a small black kitten, who had been hanging around the dumpster behind the bar for several days, so he could have a pet of his own too, I suppose.

After some serious thought and reflection one night, and many beers and joints, we named the kitty, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers". OK, now right here I want to make it clear, his name was not "Neil Young" or else, "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers", no, no, it was, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers". Understand what I'm saying?

OK, so when I would leave the apartment to conduct my evening drinking rounds, I would put Killer in the kitchen, which had a heavy swinging door and although he could have easily knocked the door off it's hinges, had he so chosen, he just didn't want to be bothered with mundane shit like that. Just wasn't up for it, Entirely too much effort involved!

And by keeping him in the kitchen, I removed any temptations he might have to eat my furniture while I was gone. Well one night I put the little black kitty, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" in the kitchen there with him.
When I came drunkenly home some hours later, I was surprised and confused to find "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" lying in the middle of the living room carpet. I had to stop and think...... hmmmm, and then I clearly remembered putting him in the kitchen with Killer. When I picked him up and I discovered white fur in his little tiny kitten claws, I thought...

"This is suspicious". Hmmm, I thought, "Something's not right here". I walked into the kitchen, holding him in my arms and when poor Killer saw him, he so freaked out, he peed in his dockers. It seems, after terrorising poor Killer, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" had simply pushed right thru the swinging doors and gone into the living room to chill.

After that, we had to keep them separated, lest "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" cause more great mental anguish and bodily harm to Killer. After about three weeks, one night "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" didn't come home. My room mate went out on the front porch
around three in the morning and kept calling him over and over, "C'mere "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers". I'm sure our neighbors didn't really quite understand what that was all about.

Now see, I didn't have to go thru all that nonsense with Killer.... all I had to do, was go out and whistle... you know... that whistle you do for your dog.... and within a half minute, Killer would come sauntering back into the house. Killer didn't run anywhere, even when he was trying to catch squirrels. I don't think Killer ever caught a squirrel or bird in his entire life. Killer was the absolute “lamest” hunter you ever saw.

Well anyway, after several days passed, it was evident that "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" wasn't coming home. My room mate felt real bad about it, although, not so strangely, Killer definitely had a bit of a bounce in his step again. I sometimes still wonder if Killer didn't have a hand, or a paw, as it were, in NYOIOTBS untimely disappearance?

So anyway, my room mate who was a sensitive, in touch with his feelings kinda guy, who liked to break bones and bust heads for laughs playing rugby, plaintively asked me,

"Cap't, where's Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers? Do ya think something bad happened to him?"

And I said,

"There, there, he's prolly just out playing with some of the other neighborhood kitties, or else he's been adopted by an elderly lady and right this minute is purringly lying in her lap while she strokes his little black kitty head."

And he said,

"Do ya' really think so?"

And I said,

"Yeah, fer sure man! Now let's go and get drunk and we'll have a beer for Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers!"

And, so we did. Years later, after I'd gotten married, when Killer failed to come home one time, after repeated whistlings and whistlings for days and days, and many repeated questions from my kids as to his where abouts, I finally had to tell them that he had decided to move to the country, where ho could enjoy a slower pace of life and where he could get away from all the cars, and the horns, and the noise and the Pollution. I assured them he was in a "better place." They were cool with that, especially since we had gotten another kitty named "Shadow" to fill in for him.

Y'know how kids are, Life moves on! But for myself..... Killer and Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers ........for these past 36 years, I must say.....You may be long Gone... but not yer forgotten!!!

the cap't

Subject: A Different Letter To Th Editor
Tuesday, August 14, 2007 9:42 PM

There is a letter to th editor in today's paper from a lady who has just returned from a bike riding vacation in Colorado,

"to our bicycle-unfriendly town where riders are forced to share sidewalks, rather than run the risk of an encounter with inattentive, harried or frustrated drivers."

She then goes on to,

"ask that our citizens encourage, rather than discourage those of us who are trying to save fuel, increase fitness, and enjoy the great outdoors."

I would say to her,

"Buy a Honda Civic, do some sit-ups, and take a fuckin hike!"

And, oh yeah,

"Stay th fuck off our streets!"

I kinda have my doubts whether they're going to print my letter after that one. Jus cus they call ya to ask yer permission, doesn't necessarily mean they're goin to.

On a related note, did'ja also happen to see where a bicyclist is in critical condition after he was hit by a car around 12:20 AM this morning. He was goin th wrong way up a one way street. And I'm bettin he wasn't runnin no lights either.

th cap'm

P.S. Did'ja also see this headline?


hmmm I wonder how bad he wrecked that havoc?

Subject: Here We Go Again
Tuesday, August 14, 2007 5:45 PM

See, I got certain thoughts that travel around my mind like a train on a closed circuit track. Every now and then, I run alongside and leap up in one of those boxcars and rattle on fer a little ride, round that same ol track, same ol scenery, same ol clickity-clackity, round and round I go. You've heard em before. My bitches against th cell phone abusers, th anti-smokin freaks, th put-th-toilet-seat down crowd, th recreational walker, jogger, and bicycle posses.

There are others too of course, but I'm on th bicycle issue again. OK, fer all of ya that have been on this train with me before, ya might jus as well jump off right now, cus I'm pissed again and 'goin off' once more about th same ol things.

OK, jus last night I was sittin at an intersection, and when th light changed, as I went to pull off, I had to hit my brakes immediately cus this stupid fuckin asshole on his bike, pedalin his ass furiously, blew right thru th red light. I didn't even see him, til I almost pulled right out in front of him. See, even tho it was nitetime and even tho he had no lights of any kind on his bike, he didn't wanna have to stop and lose his momentum. I wish I coulda chased his ass down, and fulfilled his Death Wish, but I had places to be.

Cursed bicyclists! Damn their eyes! Sheeit, whenever they mention that "right" they have to be on the roads it sends me into a frothin frenzy.

Every time I read a letter ta th editor from some whinin, snivelin bicyclist about th rude remarks some motorist made ta him, I get riled. My adrenaline starts pumpin, my eyes start burnin and I start that frothin thing at th mouth. Like I said, it bugs me.

See, that fuckin mook doesn't mention how th joggers and walkers on th running trail he was ridin on were jus goin too fookin slow fer him, so naturally, completely without warning of any kind, he jus dashed right out in th street and th guy in th car almost sideswiped him and then had th temerty to cast rude remarks in His direction.

Godammit, he's on a bicycle and if he wants ta switch from th sidewalk ta th street at a moments notice, without any kinda warnin whutsoever; thas his privilege! He's special ya see!! He's on a bicycle!! Laws and regulations don't apply ta him like they do ta those jerks in th cars.

Do ya think fer one second these bicyclists would also agree that roller bladers and skateboarders have that same "right" too. Well hell no they wouldn't! Ya can't have peoples skatin, and roller bladin on th same places where they wanna ride their bikes. Sheeit. Be serious! But they don't see th similarities.

I am 65 years old and never in my life have I ever seen a cop givin a ticket ta a bicyclist. Fer any reason!! Why izzat? If bicyclists have a "right" to ride on public streets, then why aren't they held accountablefor breakin th rules of th road jus like motorists are? Why don't they have to stop at stop signs? Red lights? How come they can ride th wrong way on a one way street without even thinkin about it? They don't have to worry bout those silly things cus; they're on a bicycle!!!!! They don't give even th slightest thought or consideration to th rules and regulations that every motorist must abide by, cuz whut th hell, they don't apply ta em.

Hey, here's a scenario fer ya! It's dark. It's nighttime. This dude is ridin his bike. Th front wheel is lop-sided, th handlebars are noticeably loose and wobbly. He's blind in one eye. He's mentally retarded, unable ta read or write. So..... he obviously has no license of any kind! Road signs are meaningless ta him.

his bike has no license plate!
he has no safety inspection sticker!
he has no head lights!
he has no tail lights!
he has no turn signals!
he has no speedometer!
he has no rear view mirror!
he has no horn!
he's not required ta wear a helmet!
he doesn't even have a reflector on it!
he doesn't need any of those things!
None of these things are required at all.
It's a bicycle!!

And yet, this unlicensed, mentally retarded individual can ride his defective bike jus about any place, any where, any time he wants. On th joggin path, on th sidewalk, on th street, across th park on th grass. Any godam place! And it's perfectly legal.

Ya could change that scenario from a mentally retarded person ta a eight year old kid and it wouldn't change anything legally. No one would even consider lettin either one of those guys drive a car, but they can both ride their bikes on th same streets with cars! Daytime, nighttime, any fuckin time! Does that make any fuckin sense? If so, please explain it ta me!!

Looky here, when one drives on a hi-way there are two speed limits; one restricts how fast ya can go, and th other restricts how slow ya can go. This makes sense!! Ya wouldn't want a guy drivin down th hi-way doin twenty when every one else is doin 70-75! Ya don't have to be a waste management specialists ta realise th disparity in speed would create hazards fer himself and others, eh? I don't think you'd find any one who would disagree with that, and yet, a bicyclist sees nothin wrong with ridin his bike 7 mph on a street where th rest of th peoples are doin 35?

Now, I know there are some bicyclist who ride responsibly and obey laws, OK?! even tho they are not actually required to do so, but they're such a miniscule percentage of th bicyclists out on th streets. Like, fr'instance, there may be six or seven of em here in KC.

So, all you guyz and gurlz who are friends of mine and who ride yer bikes, before ya voice yer next complaint bout th rude motorists out there; stop and think fer a change bout us poor motorists, and pedestrians, and joggers who gotta deal with yer antics everyday!

Apologies accepted! Ha ha

th cap'm

P.S. I'm writin a poem bout myself and th bicyclist. It's called, "Blood on th Road!"

Subject: letter to th editor
Monday, August 13, 2007 4:54 PM

I jus got a call from th kansas city star a few minutes ago wantin to know if they could print a letter I wrote em about bicycle riders?

I said. "mmmm well, um, ok.... I guess so."

but sheeeit, ya can't properly bitch about anything in 150 words, y'know whut I mean.

but anyway, here's th letter in response to a column mike Hendricks wrote,

"Safety is a two way street" about th man and his 8 y/o grandaughter who were killed recently riding along side th hiway.

Re: Safety Is A Two Way Street, Mike Hendricks

"Of course it was a tragedy that two bicyclists were killed while riding on the side of the road. Altho that gentleman and his granddaughter could have suffered the same terrible fate if they had simply been walking there. The point is; regardless of whether you are on foot, or on a bicycle, or even in your car, you are always at high risk to inattentive drivers.

What bicycle riders, joggers and walkers just stubbornly refuse to admit is, that it will always and forever be extremely dangerous for them to try and use the same thoroughfares that are designed for larger, heavier, faster moving motorised vehicles such as motorcycles, cars, vans, trucks, buses and so on.

No one questions why cars are not allowed to drive 20 mph on a 70 mph highway? It's so obvious why, isn't it? Then why in the world would any one think that a tiny, light-weight two wheeled bicycle being propelled at 5-10 mph should be sharing the same road as vehicles traveling at 35 mph? For their own safety's sake, they ought to be banned from doing so!"

as ya well know from past rants of mine I coulda gone on fer pages and pages, and jus barely scratched th surface on my aguments, but ya only get 150 words. I reely don't know why I even bothered.

th cap'm

Subject: Consideration Of Others
Sunday, August 12, 2007 7:45 PM

I wrote a buddy recently and I was complainin about peoples and their cell phones and how they blabber away in restaurants, bars, etc, completely oblivious to others around em who haven't th slightest interest in hearin their conversations and how we need more phone-etiquette and so on; y'know, like, how peoples need to be more considerate of others.

And I jus got a reply from him a few minutes ago remindin me how back in '68 I was talkin on th pay phone in a joint and I clobbered a guy over th head several times with th phone cus he kept buggin me cuz he wanted to use it. Th guy was bein a jerk about it and I was only tryin to teach him some manners.

I don't see th connection?

th cap'm

Subject: Workin Fer Th MAN.
Sunday, August 12, 2007 5:57 PM

A buddy sent me a rather amusin joke about a lesbian construction crew. There was nothing demeanin about it, but it did bring back memories of a situation I was in back in 1980. I wrote im back.


"Ha ha. that reminded me of a gig i had back in '80. at that time i had a CETA job. (comprehensive employment training act) this was a federally funded effort to give hard core un-employable peeples, such as myself, (because of my dope convictions) an opportunity to learn a trade by means of "on the job training".

So, we re-habbed houses down on th west side, learning th basics of, electrical, plumbing, roofing, carpentry, and everything else involved in construction. th idea being, that after 18 months, ya would be able to get a job in one of those fields.

There were four different crews, each one consisting of 1 supervisor and 4 crewmen. two of th crews were composed entirely of lesbians. There was an extreme lot of friction between th crew i worked on and the lezzies. tho i couldn't care less myself, y'dig, but the other guys 3 guys on my crew were extremely prejudicial. (keep in mind that this was 30 years ago and anti-gay prejudice was even stronger than it is today)

Like, one of th guys on my crew was from Guatemala, who spoke not one word on English, but non-th-less, because of his sense of Latin American machismo I spose, had a visceral loathing of them.

Another was a stone ghetto black dude who was "strapped" even when workin, cuz as he said, "ya never know dude!" and also hated lesbians.

and the 3rd guy was newly released from th joint at jeff city, and spent a good part of every day talkin about how he'd like to "off th whole fuckin lot of em".
and th gurls, all of em, bein yer stereotypical butch-dyke type lesbians did nothin to lessen th tensions, but in fact, seemed to purposely exacerbate em. hardly a week went by when it looked like our crew was gonna rumble with one of their crews. or else the two gurl crews were threatenin to go at it with each other, while we egged em on. Ha ha.

Th communal friday afternoon meetings where all of th crews and our supervisors got together to discuss their progress on their respective projects and different issues could get quite lively. peeples would be jumpin up and down, yellin and shoutin, gettin outta their chairs, gettin in each other's faces, sometimes comin to blows. this is why they were held on fridays, so all parties had a chance to cool off, before comin back to work on monday. fer myself, th friday afternoon get togethers were always th highlight of th week. Ha ha

This whole thing was a pretty good example of a typical government program. like, our crew spent 14 months re-habbing one house completely. from th basement to th roof; new wiring, plumbing, everything. it really was quite nice when we finished it. all six-teen of th family who lived there were pleased with th results, in spite of th rather lengthy time it took.

It had cost approximately $100,000 in wages and $30,000 in materials. A month later a city inspector came out and assessed it's value at $27,000!

Oh well, it provided me and four other guys a job fer four-teen months. thas somthin I spose.

th cap'm

Subject:: Foods Preparation Safety
Saturday, August 11, 2007 4:29 AM

Here's a little secret I wanna share with ya. Th next time ya go su casa early of a morn, after drinkin a lotta beers and doin other stuff, an ya decide ya wanna fix yerself an early mornin repast, listen up: if yer preparation involves edged implements, BE CAREFUL!

See, like, this is whut happened to me a few minutes ago. I decided to fix myself a McGonigles dog, and accompany it with some sliced tomato. That decision was my mistake. I shoulda remembered past experiences of this nature. Like, stuff involvin knives, y'know.

OK, so I micro-waved th dog without incident, and put it on a plate. So far, so good. But, here's where things went a bit awry. Then I placed my home grown tomato next to it and proceeded to cut it in in small slices.

"Whut a tomato."

I thought. Just like th olden days. Bright red and juicy. Ya don't get tomatoes like this every day any more. I marvelled at th bright red juice gushin outta th tomato. Cool! Very cool!

"Wow! Bright, red juicy tomato!"

But as I looked a bit closer, I realised th juice was flowin, not from th fookin tomato, but from my finger instead!


I guess I sliced a small bit of my finger in lieu of th tomato.

Oh darn. Sheeit. And I was tryin to be so careful too. Oh well, whut th hell; this kinda stuff gonna happen to yew too boyz and gurlz, cuz this time of th morn, all things considered, wha ya gonna do!? Ya got no biz bein in th kitchen anyway. And it would be silly (and wasteful) to throw yer tomato away jus cuz of a little blood.

Besides, altho I don't necessarily recommend ya do this on a regular basis, it does provide some different taste sensations from th norm. It does add that little extra nuance of flavor ya don't get every day.

And then too, keep this in mind; tomorrow morning is a whole new game anyway! Who will ever know? I prolly won't my own self and hopefully, others will never find out and accuse me of bein some kinda bloodsucking ghoul.

It was an accident, ya'dig!

th cap'm

Subject: Speakin Of Th Newspaper
Friday, August 10, 2007 8:20 PM

Today's front page of th KC Star is a good example of whut I was talking about referrin to th demise of th newspaper to a schlocky, buzz-buzz bit of malarky better suited to th tabloids.

It consists of an article about some presidential hopefuls coming to KC Aug. 18th. If yur good with yer math yu'll realise thas still 8 days away, but in keepin with every other bullshit thing about this presidential election coming up in only 15 months, ya jus can't be too early with th hype.

Then ya got a color photo of a pig named Moo which takes up prolly a sixth of th whole page. Moo is gonna be in th Mo. State Fair in Sedalia.

"Stop th presses! Hold everything!! We gots a fantastic picture of a pig named Moo fer th front page!"

And over th pic, this headline,


Whoooeee! Hot stuff, eh. Thas th kinda front page material editors dream bout!
Then there's an article about how po-lice are taking a training course in Warrensburg in case they should have to handle a campus shooting situation.
And then there's a bit about some residents of Osawatomie, Kansas and a story about a little girl there waiting for a heart transplant.

All of this shit is on th front page of th paper. Now there's nothing wrong with any of these stories in and of themselves, I spose, but not very long ago, before th Star revamped itself, each one of these stories woulda been in th Metro section, now know as th "Local". Or else, mebbe run in th Enquirer instead.
Obviously th editors have conceded National and World news to other media sources, deciding since they couldn't compete there, they jus would tailor th paper to peoples here in th neighborhood.

Oh, hell, if ya wanna read some more boring crap about Iraq, or Iran, or th situation in Sudan, Darfur, or other places in th world, ya can still find em buried in th back of th paper y'know, but, like, fer sizzlin hot news about Moo th pig, look no further than th front page of th Kansas City Star cuz ya won't be seein a profile of Moo on th nightly news on NBC, ABC, CBS, or any of th other news outlets.

Nope! Look to th Kansas City Star fer that kinda cutting edge journalism.

th cap'm

Subject: Whut's Happening To Th Newspaper?
Wednesday, August 8, 2007 10:28 PM

Newspapers are gettin so pathetically desperate to remain viable in this media saturated world. We now get lots of color pictures to try and hold our attention; charts and graphs, in color of course, to try and present things so our simple little minds can grasp their meaning.

There's an article about a restaurant with a picture of a plate with a fork on it. An article about a doctor with an illustration of a stethoscope next to it. An article about aspirin accompanied by a photo of a finger with an aspirin perched there.

Who in th fuck needs it? Do ya ever get sick to yer stomach of yet another pic of some athlete pointin his finger skyward, acknowledgin his Deity fer usin his special influence to allow him to tie th 143rd game of th season with his sacrifice fly, or perhaps a football player who jus scored a TD allowin his team to pull within 18 points? Oh thank you Heavenly Father! Gimme a fookin break, huh!

And ya know whose largely to blame fer all this garbage? USA Today, thas who! I remember years ago when USA Today first came on th scene. After jus perusin it a few times, and never again since, I said, "What a piece of shit! This rag is geared to a 6th grade mentality. It's like, "Generic News". Mark my words this piece of crap will be gone within two years!"

This was one of those insights, yers truly, th Seer, th Visionary, would jus as soon ferget! haha. Mea Culpa on that one! It seems I kinda missed th boat there, huh! Cuz, whut happened? Well, like, evidently I grossly overestimated th intelligence of th Amerikan public, becuz today, most every fookin newspaper around has copied or otherwise tried to emulate their successful formula,


And now, these papers, are tryin so hard to reach young dumb peoples, shamelessly panderin to em, with fluff and inconsequence. Their pathetic attempts to be 'hip' are nothin if not laughable.

Like, fr'instance, in Tuesday's OPINION section in th Star,


We get this from th Seattle-Post Intelligencer editorial. But before I get into whut they wrote; I jus wanna know whut th fuck is an "Intelligencer" anyway? Is it a person, place or thing? Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral? Is it bigger than a bread box? I mean, reely jus whut th fuck is it? Like, have ya ever seen an intelligencer before? OK, well, have ya ever seen a UFO before? If ya did happen to see one on th way to work tomorrow, would'ja call 911?

Well, aw'right, never mind, back to my point. Th SP-Intelligencer responds
"YES" to th Gonzales question, like this.

"Big ups to Rep. Jay Inslee for asking the Judiciary Committee to investigate grounds for impeaching Alberto Gonzales."

OK, boyz and gurlz, did'ja get that? "Big ups?" I mean, I think I know whut they're tryin to say, but, "Big ups."? Oh yeah, I get it, that must be some new-fangled slang th hipsters in Seattle can relate to. That editorial wasn't meant fer an old mid-western geezer such as myself.

Aw'right, on th "NO" side of th question we get this from th Chicago Tribune.

"Do Democrats really think the larger public is up in arms because Gonzales may have gotten lawyerly cute in answering their questions? Get real."

Yeah ya'll, "GET REAL!" OK, or mebbe they coulda said, "GET OUT!", or possibly, "SHUT UP!" Yah, see, even tho I'm jus a mid-western clodhooper, I know some jive-ass slang my own damn bad self. Ya'dig!

I swear, sometimes I don't know why I still keep my subscription to th paper. It pisses me off more often than not. I think it's prolly some kinda old fashioned loyalty to th printed word. Some small effort to stave off, or at least hold at bay it's eventual oblivion. One day, in th not so distant future, yur kids will take their kids to th museum and they will have "books" in a display case and th kiddies will say, "Gee, did they reely use things like that back in th olden days?"

th cap'm

P.S. Aw'right, before I sent this off I had to check my dictionary on that "Intelligencer" thing, cuz it was buggin me. It said,
Archaic. 1. One who conveys news: an informant. 2. a secret agent, informer or spy.
hmmm, I suppose if we chose to go along with definition #2 we could conclude th Seattle newspaper is composed of secret agents and spies. Like, I'm not paranoid or any thing....but I wonder if Homeland Security is aware of this situation?

Subject: BAD Lucid Dream
Wednesday, August 8, 2007 1:09 PM

Last night I had a lucid dream, y'know, thas a dream where ya know yur dreamin. I have those kinda dreams mebbe three times a year and I always enjoy them, specially th "flying" kind, y'know, where ya go soarin about, doin all manner of aerial acrobatics and cool stuff like that, but this dream last night was a Class A Bummer!

See, whut happened was; I was sittin in a bar and got into an argument with this young dude, and suddenly, without warnin, he blind-sided me right in th temple. I saw th bright flash of light, y'know, that flash ya get when ya've been bashed reely hard in th head. Man, he reely laid one on me! It hurt like hell. I felt like I'd been hit with a hammer. He knocked me right off th stool onto th floor. When I hit th floor, I was thinkin,

"Whut the hell is goin on here? This is MY dream! I'm dreamin, and I know it, and this is not supposed to be happenin!"

And as I rolled onto my hands and knees tryin to get up, this guy kicked me in th ribs,


I thought he broke em. Then he started rainin blows all over my head. I felt like I was in a thunderstorm of pain. I thought to myself,

"Wow, this dude is kickin th livin shit outta me, while I'm tryin to figure what th hell is goin on!"

Now see, in yer normal lucid dream, things would never have reached this stage, but even if they did, I would have regained my senses, taken control of th dream, and stomped the guy, but this was evidently not yer normal lucid dream. Whut th fu....?

I decided then that I reelly didn't want any more part of this dude, dream or no dream, so I took th chickenshit way out, and got th hell outta Dodge by wakin myself up. Whew.

As soon as I opened my eyes I checked my head expectin to find lumps, and welts and bruises and I checked my ribs, but everything was intact. Wow, that was a relief. I decided to wait a while before I went back to sleep, thinkin mebbe this dude was still lurkin, waitin fer me there somewhere. So, I didn't go back to sleer fer along time.

But sheeit, now ese, in th bright light of day, I want some payback, ya'dig! I'll tell ya whut , th next time I see this guy in one of my dreams, I'm not takin any chances; I'm gonna make sure I get th first “shot” in, cuz I'm gonna cap that fucker's ass before he even knowswhat's happenin. Well, sheeit, thas whut he did to me, right?! And evenif th Dream Po-lice should apprehend me, it's My dream and I know I can beat th rap! I already got that Judge in my pocket.
At least I hope so.

But th thing that really bugs me about th whole affair tho, is that it has shaken my confidence in my ability to control my lucid dreams. Thas one of th cool things about some lucid dreams, is that if ya don't like th way things are goin, why then, ya can change em to suit yerself. Now, I dunno! Mebbe th next time crowds of peoples wantin to commit mischief on my person, chasin me across roof tops right to th very edge of th abyss; mebbe I'll think twice before I flip em th finger and cavalierly leap off th building, laughin all the time. Mebbe I'll be thinkin,

"Hmmm, mebbe I should'na done that, cuz if this is like that one dream I had, instead of flutterin gently to th ground, I am goin to break every single bone in my body,"

Man, I hate it when things happen that alter one's Worldview, know whut I mean!

th cap'm

Subject: Amusing Joke
Tuesday, August 7, 2007 12:03 AM

My buddy "vegas judy" sent this to me and while i had seen it before, it still got a chuckle outta me again. some jokes are like that. try it on; see if it fits?


Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet.

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"


Ha ha. see whut i mean?!

th cap'm

Subject: Thasa Hot Pepper
Friday, August 3, 2007 9:11 PM

My bud Mike G. sent me this additional info on Bhut Jolokia peppers. I send it on to you jus fer yer own information.


Like the Habanero, Scotch Bonnet and Red Savinaâ, Naga Jolokia belongs to the Capsicum chinense family. This landrace chile originated in the Northeast of India, particularly Assam, Nagaland, Manipur and neighboring Bangladesh.
For many years, there was uncertainty about this particular chile pepper, some sources even listed cayenne-type peppers as Naga Jolokia or put it into the C. frutescens species. Eventually, a field trial with comprehensive analysis by the NMSU Chile Pepper Institute (CPI) shed light on this cultivar.

(get that; th NMSU Chili Pepper Institute got involved, of course you know who they are don'cha? c.h.)

Both Assamese growers and the Chile Pepper Institute found top heat levels around one million Scoville Heat Units (SHU), and the Chile Pepper Institute's findings for Bhut Jolokia were even awarded the world record as the "hottest of all spices" by Guinness World Records (September 2006).

Culinary Use:
Caution: The fruits of this chile variety are extremely hot. It is advised to wear gloves when handling the peppers, keep them away from children, and thoroughly clean all kitchen utensils like cutting boards, knives etc. When grinding dreid Jolokias, wear a breathing mask, protect your eyes. Don't touch any sensitive parts before cleaning your hands thoroughly first. And use these peppers sparingly - it is always easier to kick up the heat of a dish than toning it down.

In their home country of Northeastern India, Naga/Bih/Bhut Jolokia chiles are used pickled (expect some very hot vinegar as a byproduct!) and for firing up non-vegetarian dishes like fish curries. You can use them like regular habaneros, just remember they're up to five times as hot.


OK ya'll, so th next time ya got guests over and ya wanna serve em somethin thas not bland and boring, these peppers will certainly add a little zest to yer meal. And if yer guests wonder why they gotta wear rubber gloves to eat, jus be coy and tell em it's fer Executive Privelege reasons. That seems to be a good way of deflectin questions ya don't wanna answer. Gut apetit.

th cap'm

Subject: Accuracy In Th News?
Friday, August 3, 2007 3:49 PM

I read an article in Thursday's paper about th hottest chili pepper in th world. This dude goes waaay beyond scorcher level. It's off th charts. Even among hot chili pepper eaters, this pepper is said to be unbelievably... unimaginably...... agonisingly....HOT!!

It's from th state of Assam in India and it only grows in that region, and it's called th Bhut Jolokia. Accompanying th story was a drawing of it and a small chart comparing it to other hot chilis. As ya may know, th "hotness" of chilis are measured in "scovilles". This is a chemical unit of measurement based on th content of capsacin, which is th ingredient in a pepper that provides th "heat".
OK, so, as th article noted, these are only APPROXIMATE FIGURES! OK?!

Tabasco sauce.........2,500-5,000 ho-hum
Jalapeño..................2,500-8,000 hmmmm
Red Savino Habanero.....580,000 Wow!
Bhut Jolokia...............1,001,304 Holy Shit

But see, whut has got me kinda confused here is; I couldn't help but wonder about that "approximate" figure fer th Indian pepper? Did'ja notice that? If that is th approximate number, jus what in th fuck-all would constitute an accurate number?

Y'know boyz and gurlz, I hate gettin information, which then only leads to more questions, knowwhutahmsayin. Aren't there any Ultimate answers? Somthin ya can take to th bank without any provisos, caveats, exceptions, qualifications, conditions or other fookin hinderances?

th cap'm

Subject: Troubled Bridge Over Water
Friday, August 3, 2007 4:53 AM

As I listened to th early reports of th bridge in Minneapolis, I was struck by all th different theories as to what might have caused this tragedy. I have my own idea, of course, but I soon realised that I didn't have any company on that road.

Nope, I was a lonesome traveler thas fer sure. No one even so much as hinted at anything like I was thinkin. I mentioned it to several peoples in a bar last, and was basically met with scorn and derision. I jus don't understand why so many of my speculations, suppositions, observations, reflections, and so on and so forth, are jus disregarded out-of hand without peoples even giving them any serious consideration. Whus up with that!? My ideas got cooties or somthin?!

Well anyway here's whut I think;


I base this on my own personal experience. I have been aware of th dangers these creatures pose to humans from a very early age. I was, like for or five years old at th time and I had an illustrated book of various nursery rhymes (maybe Hans Christian Anderson or Mother Goose?) and so on, and I often perused it with great delight, EXCEPT for one two page spread. That was th Troll page. Oh, it was scary! There they were, under th bridge, with their wild, unkempt hair, hideous faces, and their evil snarlin grins exposing their badly formed teeth, and believe me, you could jus tell their intentions were less than benign.

And there two young innocent children, a boy and a girl, holdin hands and (th boy lookin much like me I thought) gaily skippin across th bridge, laffin and gigglin, without a care in th world, blissfully unaware of th Evil lurkin right beneath their feet.

Th first time I saw that page, I was sitting in my aunties lap, and I asked her whut was goin down there, and she told me those ugly critters were called Trolls and they lived in caves and under bridges and they snatched up young children like myself, and put them in bags and took them back under th bridge where they served em up in stews and made box lunches fer their little Troll kids.

And except for one horrible, unfortunate accident I never looked at that page again. I knew exactly whut page preceded th Page of Horror, and so whenever I wanted to check out Chicken Little, Foxy Loxy, Hansel and Gretle, or Goldilocks, or any of th other characters who lived between th covers, I made sure to skip th Troll page. Except for one time when I was running with th book in my hands and tripped and fell and th fucking book fell outta my hands and landed open right on that dreaded page. And there they were; those fucking Trolls!! Oh it was jus horrible, I'm not jivin ya. I had to run into th house and hide in th closet fer th longest time.

I did learn one valuable lesson from that experience tho, cus for many years I never ran around with pencils or other sharp objects in my hands, cus I knew that I actually could fall down and put my eyes out! I had already learned th hard way bout careless running.

Well, anyways, they can surmise structural failure, terrorism, vibrations, whatever, I got my own theory and I'm stickin to it!!

th cap'm

Subject: Fun In Th Kitchen On A Rainy Afternoon
Wednesday, August 1, 2007 9:18 PM

OK, kidz, th next time it rains and yer bored as hell and ya can't go outside and play; have I got a nifty little trick fer ya'll, boyz and gurlz! I discovered this a few years ago and it will blow you away. And I mean that almost literally. I may have sent this to ya before, cuz this is th kind of neat-o stuff ya jus gotta share. It's too good to keep to yerself.

Y'know, where they tell ya not to try this at home; well, pshaw, cuz thas exactly where I want ya to try it.

But make damn sure yer parents are no where around. As a matter of fact; make sure NO responsible person is around, cuz it would take all th fun out of it.

Fr'instance, if peoples describe yer older sister and say of her,

"She's mature for her age."

Don't do this when she's around Ya don't need th grief, take my word for it. Heck, th best thing would be to do it at yer best friends house anyway. Thas th ideal setting.Tell em yer sis is jus too lame. here's whut ya do....take you some Worcestershire sauce (I use Lea and Perrins, but suit yerself) and put about a half inch into a cup, then take you a large skillet and put it on yer stove with th flames on waaay high.... when th skillet is good and hot, like, when it starts to glow red, put you some vegetable oil in it, and in a very short time that will begin to smoke. When it gets hot enuff to smoke, thas yer signal.

Take yer cup of Worcestershire sauce.... step back now....I mean it kids, STEP BACK!! and then hurl it into th skillet....KABOOOOOM... you will have a mini-explosion that will send flames bouncin off yer ceiling. No jive, it makes a reely cool explosion with a spectacular fireball. I do need to stress fer safety's sake tho, that unless ya wanna spend th rest of th afternoon plus th next few weeks in the burn-unit, make sure when ya make yer toss, yer as far away as possible.

See, I didn't know this th first time I tried it resultin in my right eyebrow and eyelashes lookin much different then those on my left side, givin me a kinda lopsided look. You don't want this. It's fortunate for me that just a couple of weeks earlier I had a gurl come in and clean my kitchen fer only a hundred bucks, cuz had my stove been in th condition as it was then, I woulda been on th six o'clock news that evening with some asshole shovin a mike in my face and sayin,

"So cap't, what were you thinking when you threw that Worcestershire sauce in your burning oil causing the destruction of th entire apartment building?"

"Yeah, well, y'see, I wuz jus tryin to make a tasty sauce to fry my steak in, when things went horribly wrong, know whut I mean!"

It woulda been a disaster, I'm not smokin ya!!

Well anyway, boyz and gurlz, show this trick to yer friends th next time yer are at their home visitin, makin sure of course that mommy and daddy are gone and make sure ya know where th exits are, And then watch th looks of sheer horror and terror on yer friends face when this sheet of fire blasts out of the skillet. Do not spoil this moment by givin em any clues before hand as what is about to transpire. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

It's so much fun discoverin new experiences, isn't it boyz and gurlz!!

Kitchen Trickster at Large,

Th cap't

P.S. OK, OK, here's another good one fer ya. Take a jar of th powered cream stuff (Coffee Mate I think it's called) peoples add to their coffee. Hold th jar as high as ya can in yer left hand, and gently sprinkle it out downward in a fine mist, and with a cigarette lighter in yer right hand, ignite it at th bottom.....KA-BLOOOM! Ya'll get a column of fire 8-9 feet high. Remember, when ever ya can, always do these things at yer friends crib, jus in case things get outta control, cuz that way yu'll at least have a bed to sleep in. Mebbe after th firemen leave, ur friends can even spend th nite at ur house, since theirs will be nothin but smolderin rubble and ya can get yer stories straight and play some more games while ya can, cuz they re likely to be grounded fer awhile.

Subject: On Th Demise Of Tom Synder
Wednesday, August 1, 2007 7:42 PM

During his career Tom Synder was, and continued to remain my favorite interviewer above all others. I loved th Tomorrow show and I was sooo pissed when he was replaced by that guy Craig Killborn?

He was a unique and one of a kind individual. I would love to watch re-runs of his shows cuz no matter who his guest was, his interviews were always first rate. Not only was he intelligent, but funny as well. I especially liked th ones he did with Harlan Ellison, a regular guest, who was a well known sci-fi novelist, a media critic, and wrote a number of award winning stories for th th likes of th Twilight Zone, Hitchcock and many others. They made great foils for each other. They fed off each other like Cosell and Ali. Like so many of his shows, besides bein informative, it was also highly entertaining.

In my book he was simply; th Best.

th cap'm

P.S. And Dan Akyroyd never failed to crack me up with his hilarious impression of him on SNL. He had his voice and mannerisms and everything about him down pat. Those were th best sketches.

Subject: RE: Th Carnivore Vs Th Vegetarial
Wednesday, August 1, 2007 5:53 PM

My good friend “Vegas Judy,” in a response to my bovine buying advice, mentioned casually that she was leaning in a Vegetarial direction. As a card carryin Carnivore, Defender Of Animal Flesh, I answered her like this.


Ju-dee, ju-dee, ju-dee! tsk, tsk, as i try and explain to a couple of good friends of mine, who i break bread with every now and then, our forefathers, many years ago jumped down from th trees onto th savannah, and after that first bite of bbq'd water buffalo said,

"Ok ya'll thas it. no more bananas and leaves and stuff like thet fer me. gimme some more of that seared beef."

and so, based on their experiences and those of their offspring fer th last couple million years, i'm stickin with th meat products and leavin that other stuff to th chimps and ants and other critters like that. And of course to you and other Vegetarials like my good friends i mentioned earlier.

mmmmm jus a thought, but do ya think there's any connection at all as to why th banana eating chimps are still hangin around in th trees, whereas we go to th moon and have paris hilton? now, i'm not sayin that eatin plants, well...... but still, jus wonderin.

One other thing, is it just my imagination, or are most Vegetarials gurls? now, once again, don't get me wrong, i'm not sayin that gurls and chimpanzees have an ancient bond which continues even to this day, but..........well, i'm jus a bit curious bout that connection.

Oh heck, judy, i'm sure there's nothing to it. i'm it's prolly jus a co-incidence. as they would say in new yawk, fuggheddaboutit.


OK, ya'll, now, don't get me wrong, OK. I'm not prejudiced, cus as I pointed out, some of my best friends are Vegetarials, and if ya met em on th street, ya wouldn't have any idea, cus they're a lot like you and me, but jus stop and think; do ya think th hardy pioneers who blazed th trails across this, TH GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, were snackin on granola, or somthing like that? Nah, I don't think so. Heck, even th famous Donner party; when they ran outta food didn't go out foragin fer plants and leaves now, did they!?

And even here in modern times, jus imagine whut kinda world we'd be livin in today if Ray Croc, god forbid, had been a Vegetarial? Whut a ghastly image that conjures, eh!

And, like, whut kinda movies would George Romero have made? Zombies approachin a stand of banana trees in that halting, staggering gait, arms held out in front, with those bulging eyeballs, driven by ungodly, evil forces to consume bushels of bananas? Scuse me, but that would be pretty lame, huh. Like, where's th Horror in that?

Well, there are mo plenty other examples I could add in a, "what if", scenario, but I think ya get my drift, don'cha?!

Heck, jus in my own personal life, I shudder to think of how I woulda survived stretches of my life, if th HOT DOG hadn't been there to sustain and nourish me. I'm afraid handfuls of 'party mix' jus wouldn't have done th trick.

OK, OK, so all I'm tryin to reiterate here is, go ahead, buy you a damned COW! And if ya wanna a bit of salad to accompany it, whut th heck, indulge yerself. How much could it hurt?

But, BUY TH COW! Like Tony Soprano sez, "wha ya gonna do???"

th cap'm

Subject: Yet Another Consumer Tip From Th Cap'm; Buy Yer Own COW!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007 11:42 PM

Must confess that this bit of information comes to me by way of my good friend Ms. Dorothy. She wrote,


"Speaking of meat, I have a consumer tip for anyone with several mouths to feed. Buy your own cow! We recently bought half a cow from my cousin; some nice folks in Tonganoxie butchered it to our specifications, and wrapped it up nice in white freezer paper with our name stamped on each package.

I'm telling you, there's nothing better. It's soooo delicious! I have to laugh whenever I walk by the meat case at the grocery store now. This meat ended up costing me $2.34/lb. Not bad when you consider that includes your KC Strips, Ribeyes, Sirloin, tenderized round steaks, roasts, briskets, really good ground beef, etc. You'll wonder what it is you've been eating from the grocery store all these years!"


Right on Ms D! Besides th incredible price of 2.34 @lb, th stamping of one's name on th packages particularly appeals to my sense of vanity. I would spend a lotta time starin into th freezer lookin at all those parcels with my very own name on each one. Th Thrill, eh. Makes my heart soar like a buzzard.

th cap'm

Subject: Another Consumer Tip From Th Cap't.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007 3:48 PM

OK, look here boyz and gurlz, if ya like potato salad and baked beans, then I recommend ya stop by McGonigles at 79th Ward Pkwy. These are superb! Numbah One GI! Th potato salad has a nice eggish taste and th beans have a smoky flavor you'll find most appealin. (take you an El Paso on the cold slaw tho)

Keep in mind that this advice comes with th usual Cap't Hoohah Guarantee, namely that if yer are not entirely satisfied, send th Cap't a self addressed stamped envelope, proof of purchase and 500 words or more as to why ya didn't like th product and I will give ya Double yer money back. Let me reiterate that I have no connection to McGonigles whatsoever; I only do this out of a sense of Community Spirit.

Perhaps some of ya may recall a couple of years ago when I recommended th Cape Cod potato chips with a similar Guarantee. I actually had one Loon write me and say,

"Yo cap't, I did not find the Cape Cod Chip to my liking. Please return Double my money back as per your statement. Sincerely, Joe Loon."

Ha ha Did this dude jus emerge from his cave, or whut?! I promptly replied, per his self addressed stamped envelope with a short statement of my own of two words.....The first word bein "Fuck". I leave it to yer imagination to supply th second.

th cap'm

P.S. While yer there, ya might keep in mind th McGonigle motto: "Our meat is hard to beat."

Subject: Amerikan Culture; Envy Of Th World
Saturday, July 28, 2007 4:26 PM

Well it's really no mystery why every one else in th world wants to be jus like us. I mean, jus look at this past year! First, we had Anna Nicole, then Paris, and now we got "The Adventures of Lindsey Lohan". Whooooie! Jus how much fuckin excitement can can one absorb in a year?! And th beauty of it is; it's not even over yet!

And all th rest of th world wants to be jus like us. We generate so much Jealousy, that, like, some peoples jus wanna kill us fer it they get so gosh darned mad about it. They don't got nothin like this in Baghdad, thas fer sure. And thas why they wanna kill us. It's nothin but "Jealousy Gone Wild". (this is sneak title preview of new "reality show" concept I'm currently pitchin) Those Muslimic peoples don't have stuff like this to distract them from th fact that they got no drinkin water, electricity, or schools or SUVs, or Big Macs y'know, stuff like that. Ergo, they feel left out and neglected, so they take it out on th messenger.
I think if Th Great Leader would export some of these kinda things like this that make this,

"The Greatest Country In The History Of Th World",

Well those folks might feel more kindly towards us. We could ferget troop surges, etc, etc; bring our boys home, and send em Paris and Lindsey and others of their skanky, spoiled-brat ilk instead. Let them try and solve those kinda problems. Mebbe then, they would realise that bein NUMBAH ONE isn't necessarily th Paradise they thought it was. (and there ain't no 71 virgins here either) Mebbe then, they would develop a bit of much needed Compassion and Humility.

Oh well, I know, I know, I'm wastin my time as usual, cuz, like, Th Great Leader nor his string puller, Dickhead Cheney, don't listen to my counsel anyway. I might as well be pissin in th wind fer all they care.

Well, anyway, I'm so excited and curious as to what kinda counter measures Paris is gonna take to win back her crown from this young Lohan upstart. I think a bold move is in order. She's gotta take some action soon. I mean, that Lohan chick jus turned 21 and Paris is already 26. Startin to get kinda creaky, know whut I mean. Mebbe a stolen tape of her havin sex with th Winetonka Middle School football team might get her back on top, so to speak. He he.

In any case, both of em need to keep a sharp eye out over their shoulders, cus this little Dakota Fanning chick could be th next big thing to totally fascinate us fer a few weeks. Jus consider her name by itself. Dakota Fanning! Thas got built-in buzz factor already. A few well publicized tantrums on th set, allegations of an affair with a couple of female co-stars, an arrest fer ridin her bicycle while intoxicated, a stint in Juvie; sheeit, who in th hell is Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan? Huh, who that?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Gall, Th Audacity, Th Fuckin Arrogance!
Friday, July 27, 2007 3:20 PM

I read an article in th Business section of yesterday's paper which left me sputterin in rage and frustration! Two high level executives from Exon-Mobil and Shell Oil testified before a Congressional Committee that it was fair to sell consumers "hot fuel" even tho th energy value of a gallon of gas drops as th temperature rises.

This issue gained attention thru a series of articles in th Kansas City Star last year examining th implications of how fuel expands and contracts dependin on th temp.

Quoting th VP of Shell Oil,

"Shell does not believe that th American consumers are harmed in any way by not having temperature adjustment at retail dispensers."

He sez this in spite of th fact that fuel IS adjusted for temperature at th wholesale level and at all other points in th energy supply chain. Jus not fer th fuckin peon palooka consumer. That GOUGE is saved fer them. Them bein us!! Like, you and Me!

Check this, it has been estimated that th sale of gasoline hotter than th industry standard of 60 degrees costs US consumers 2.3 billion dollars a year. Does this help explain how these bloodsuckin bastards are makin record profits boyz and gurlz? Consumer groups have said that can average out to 3 to 9 cents a gallon, and in th summer it can be as much as 30 cents a gallon.

But th oil execs said that if fuel volumes were adjusted at th pumps fer temperature, CUSTOMERS WOULD JUST BE CHARGED MORE TO MAKE UP TH DIFFERENCE!!

Ha ha Th fuckers!! Ya can't beat em and they are fully aware of that too. See, they're not about to give up that gravy train loophole jus cuz we found out about it. They're sayin to us,

"Go ahead you silly gooses, adjust th volume at th tank. Ha ha. Big fuckin deal!

We'll jus jack up th price! Then, whadda'ya gonna do, start takin th bus?! We don't think so! Hey, looky here, we are th Oil Industry! Ya dig! Ya need us!! Jus like th Pharmaceutical Companies, ya can't live without us. You mooks are our captive audience; that means we can do anything we damn well please, charge ya anything we want, thumb our noses at ya if ya don't like it. And if ya don't like it, sheeit, why don'cha write yer congressman? hehe Yeah go ahead, see how much good that does ya, cuz that dude's been in our pocket since forever!!"

Well, th good news is; accordin to th article, plans are bein made to study this problem further, maybe even by th end of th year.

"This committee will continue to delve into this matter. This issue is important."

Thus saith Dennis Kucinich, chairman of th committee. Whew! I feel better. Pesky problem solved. GODDAM, their flunkys are goin to look into it further.
Damn, but it pisses me off!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know those two oil dudes had to be pissed at havin to go thru that whole charade, when they had to postpone their morning tee off time, jus to take part in th dog and pony show. But, sheeit, it's all part of th farce, and they don't get paid untold millions of bucks a year jus fer whistlin Dixie ya know.

Subject: One Person's Response To My Efforts To Aid My Fellow Humans
Monday, July 23, 2007 4:41 PM

Mi amigo, who goes by th nom de guerre, Stag Fury, wrote me about some of th consumer tips I put out from time to time. He used th word "weird" to describe my hints, and also to characterise my own damn bad self. I thought this was a poor choice of a descriptive word to portray my efforts. One can only muster a certain magnanimous compassion for another with such tunnelled vision; for one who is not able to see th Big Picture as it were. One can only shake their head, and tsk, tsk th offender.

Y'know boyz and gurlz, I don't do this fer th Almighty Greenback Dollar, y'dig. There is no recompense fer me, other than a sense of Mission Accomplished, followed by th occassional standing ovation. After all, we all have a "mission" in life, eh, and Fate decreed this one fer me, and I accepted it without qualm.

And so, when speakin o' my consumer tips, let's all keep in mind, bein Guru/Seer/Visionary, involves a lot more than explainin,

"Th meaning of Life and Everything!!"

T o th un-Enlightened clodhoppers who comprise th Amerikan masses. Sure, thas all nice to know and everythin; and while it satisfies certain inherent questions all Homo Sapiens have, and I'm not namin names here, cus all ya homos know who ya are, (aliens need no respond) but still, they also need everyday practical stuff to get em thru th long, arduous days.

Thas where th kind of practical advice I give out from time to time can be of great assistance in helping em "cope" with th world around em. A world which bombards em daily with complicated, multi-faceted issues, like, jus fr'instance; take th dithpicable treatment of our Royalty, y'know, th horrors our own Princess Paris recently endured.

Or th abominable treatment of Th Great Leader, who is only tryin to bring Peace, Harmony, Democracy and Big Whoppers to th less fortunates of th world. He is th embodiment of th loving, but stern Father, who must impose a certain amount of Death and Destruction oh his wayward chirrun, fer their own good, y'unnerstan, in order to do what is Right fer em, yet he endures scurrilous attacks daily fer his efforts. But he does not shirk his Duty. He stands stalwart. He "stays th course" no matter what. So, I feel his anguish as I empathise with im, cus, like myself, I must bear a similar burden in my own efforts. Sometimes it's thankless task, yet we push on!

So, ya see, I am Every Mans Seer! Well, perhaps in this more politically correct environment, I should say "Every Person's". I am th General. All-around, All-purpose Visionary!

From meta-physics, to feta cheese! And everything in between!!

yer humble and willin servant,

th cap'm

Subject: Safety In Th Bathroom
Sunday, July 22, 2007 4:36 PM

(In his quest to do his part to help keep Amerika safe, th cap'm offers up this bit of Wisdom. There is a lesson to be gleaned here)

I have a hand held mirror in th bathroom which was about 14" x 14". I say "was" cuz thas what it was before I dropped it and broke it initiatin my next seven-year period of bad luck. Sheeit, jus when I was gettin out from under th curse from th last mirror I broke; now this. No matter how hard I try, Dame MisFortuna jus keeps pullin me back in.

Now, this mirror is not in a frame or anything, it's jus a thin glass mirror, and when it hit th floor, th bottom edge broke off leavin a very jagged edge with one reely sharp point.

Altho I'm not a vain person, I use this mirror to check th brim on th backs of my hats to make sure they are not deformed and present a smooth even angle. I always have th brims turned down uniformly all th way around th hat. I don't like th rear brim turned up like so many rookie hat wearers do. So, I don't like it when one part might be a little lower than th other. It looks awkward. I like symmetry. To my way of thinking, that looks un-Cool!

By th same token, tho I wear it low to th brow, I never wear my hat at what is often referred to as a "jaunty" angle. Th kind of 'look' ya might see in a '40s noir detective film. That is not for me, regardless of whether it is one of my white Panamas or my black, felt Fedoras. I check with my small level, always makin sure th bubble remains between th lines. Some peoples don't pay attention to th details, but I do. I don't apologise, thas jus th way I go.

OK, so, anyway, like, knowin that I dropped this mirror once before, I know it could happen again, right?! So, what I've done, and what I suggest ya do, if ya should be operatin with a defective lookin glass too, is; I taped a small handwritten message in that pointy, jagged part on th bottom of th mirror that sez,


That way y'see, I'm reminded of th dangers involved each time I utilize it. I find myself focusin on maintainin a good solid grip at all times, becuz right there in front of me is that warning. And so far, I haven't lost any appendages due to careless and inattentive handling.

And ya never can tell, it might also protect me from a law suit, if one of my guests, checkin out their angles, should happen to lose a big toe cus they lost concentration fer a sec.

Y'know, now that I get to ponderin it some more, I prolly oughta say somthin bout not usin it when takin medications or boozin and dopin it up. Mebbe a warning against unsupervised chirrun havin access, mebbe a note about pets, or elderly peoples whose grey matter have prematurely gone on vacation.

Hmmm, y'know whut, th more I think about it, th more I'm thinkin I'm gonna have to give this whole operation a bit more thought. I'm thinking mebbe I didn't think this thing thru propperly.

Whadda'ya think?

th cap'm


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