re: phone call joke
September 1, 2007 9:19 PM
My friend ms pat replied to me.
"Charley, you darlin' MCP you, some things never change!"
to which i replied,
"but... but... but, i protest. i sent that as an indictment of
an MCP, not as one
who endorses such shallow behavior myself dear pat. oh woe, I am so
Hmmmm, I wonder what other misperceptions I may have fostered over
th years thru my babblings?
Y'know? Like, I love bicyclists, and joggers and pedestrians, and
I think peoples who talk on their cell phones while driving are so
cute, and I think we should build a wall around th entire United States
60 feet high to keep th illegal aliens out, and I think Geo. Bush
and Dick Cheney are both swell guys and it's just a matter of time
before we find those WMD's in Iraq, which is why we had to invade
their asses in th first place, and I pray for all th Craigs, and Foleys,
and Vitters out there, and their fellow neo-con Republicans, who are
standing tall and fighting every day for good family values and Decency,
and I think every citizen should carry at least two fully automatic
weapons at all times and I think we will have to let History decide
whether Bush or Nixon was our finest hour and I think this is THE
GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!
Y'know, and there's lotsa other stuff too that I don't have time to
get into, but haven't I made myself clear on all this ya'll?
Duke DA Gets Jail Term
September 1, 2007 5:47 PM
Friday I was tickled and delighted to read this headline
on my home page,
"Duke DA Given Jail Term"
I always enjoy readin where some sanctimonious, self-righteous ass-hole
gets his come-uppance, whether it's a family-values prick gettin caught
up in th same kinda shit he's been railing against, or whether it’s
a district attorney tryin to make political hay fer himself. So I
read that and chuckled over it. Th asshole deserved it.
My laffs were cut short tho when I clicked on to th article further
and discovered that this "jail term" was, in fact, ONE Fuckin
Day!! Can ya believe that? Whew brother, that sent a shock wave I'll
bet thru DA's offices all over th country!
Considerin th possible consequences they might face, they gonna waay
reluctant to try and railroad innocent victims fer their own political
gain, knowin if it backfires, they might get hit with 24 hours in
th slammer. Thas gonna keep em on their toes, eh.
Apparently when a DA withholds evidence that could exonerate peoples,
it doesn't matter, cuz he can continue to try and wreck their lives,
knowin full well they're innocent, cus he's comin up fer re-election
and a conviction will look real good fer him. And when caught fer
this transgression, he's given a day in jail!
Oh man, Paris must be burnin!
Th Star Continues It's Slide Downhill Into Oblivion And Irrelevance
September 1, 2007 5:10 PM
About three weeks ago I wrote about th pathetic state
th Star has devolved to. Friday's front page was another good
illustration of that decline.
There was a large photo, in color of course, of a bunch of kids cheering
wildly as their high school football team took to th field in th first
game of th season. In th story under th photo were quotes from a freshman
football player from Lawson High School,
"It was tough to concentrate in school today. All day it's been
really exciting. It's going to be a good year."
And then this, from a sophomore cheerleader at Smithville High School,
"It's always exciting to see how the team is going to be at the
first game. We are all excited. We had a pep rally and everyone got
As ya may have noticed there's a lotta excitement in th air. Right
on! It's High School Football Time!!
This is all well and good, but it's on th front page of th newspaper
Thas where they used to print stuff about, like, y'know, what was
going on in th country and th world. Now, we get high school twaddle!
Not that there's anything particularly wrong with high school twaddle,
y'dig, cuz high school bein high school, whadda ya expect? But sheeit,
do they have to put it on th front page? Don't they have a teen section
in th paper now? Or a Local section? Or some kinda section fer crap
Sheeit! I mean, I don't take th fookin paper to read about high school
twaddle on th front page. Do ya think real newspapers, like, th New
York Times or th Washington Post, fr'instance, print
stories on th front page about th high school football season accompanied
by a big color photo of teenagers cheerin their football team on?
I kinda fuckin doubt it!!!
Yeah, I know, I know, th Star is tryin to attract a younger demographic,
and they don't want me or my ilk any more. It's like, "Step off
Geezer! Ther's some new kids in town!"
It's a sad state of affairs I'm tellin ya.
No jive Duke, th only fuckin savin grace of yesterday's entire paper
was this headline on page 10,
NEW VIEW OF URANUS PROVIDES SURPRISES
Ha ha. Other than that, ya coulda saved yer 50 cent! Ya gotta give
somebody props fer that headline. And not surprisingly, that story
came from where?
Yep, th San Francisco Chronicle! lol
the phone call
September 1, 2007 10:36 AM
Y'know, i don't usually pass along jokes, but this
one greatly amused me. behind th humor, there's somthin there that
rings true about men's attitudes. check it out.
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we
use to have together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd
be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said,
"I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last
saw me. I even have a funky old gray beard.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man
with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention
my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are
a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying
that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to forget it.
Chuckle and chortle here. Ha ha. do ya know any one like that?
Th History Channel Takes A Hit, And Goes Down.
August 31, 2007 8:11 PM
Yesterday, I watched a show on th History Channel
(Lost Worlds. Defense preparations during the Cold War) and there
was one segment about a secret bomb shelter that was built for JFK
near his Florida retreat. This was built as an emergency temporary
shelter for him and his family and his entourage, in th event a nuclar
(if geo. bush can do it, so can I) war should break out while they
were vacationing there.
Th narrator of th story went on to say,
"This facility was only active for four years. After Kennedy's
assassination in 1965 it would serve no further purpose."
Oh sheeeit, what th fu.....? OK, now, did'ja catch that? Thas not
a typo; thas what he said. Wouldn't ya think that a show on th History
Channel would make a bit of an attempt to get their facts straight?
Wouldn't ya think that some one, th narrator perhaps, somebody, fr'chrissake,
woulda said, before this documentary was released,
"Hey hold on here guys! Like, Kennedy was assassinated in 1963,
Ummmm, don'cha think we oughta correct that little faux pas!?"
I mean, it would be like a show on Pearl Harbor where th narrator
talked about how on Dec. 7th, 1943, th Japanese attacked. Or like,
if some one talked about th invasion of Normandy on June 6th, 1946,
or mebbe th moon landing on July 20, 1971. If they can't get even
that, th most basic of facts about JFK right, then why should we believe
any other damn thing that mighta been said there?
Now, if this show had been broadcast on th Fox Network, I wouldn't
thought so much about it, y'know, whadda'ya expect; business as usual,
but one expects jus a bit more accuracy from th History Channel, don'cha
I do anyway!
How to Forward E-mail Properly
August 28, 2007 8:16 PM
My cuz, th lovely Rita, (but she ain't no meter
maid, ya'dig) sent this to me recently, and I am passing it on. Do
not treat it as an indictment of yerself, or as a personal attack,
or as an accusation, for who amongst us are not guilty of some of
these things at some time or another, eh?!
Sometimes some things can't be helped, like fr'instance, perhaps ya've
noticed that I am continuingly guilty of a violation of Rule # 2.
Mayhaps ya've wondered over th years why I persist in doin that?
RE: Rule # 2. "Showing all parties receiving message." Guilty
as charged! But with mitigatin circumstances yer Honor.
As I told my cuz, I wanna tell you also, I have called th Webtv peoples
several times over th years about not bein able to hide everyone's
addys when I send blather out. And it's not that I don't hide those
cuz I jusdon't want to take th time; they are there because with this
YOU CAN'T HIDE THEM! There is no BCC option available on this system.
If one has a Webtv, then all addys will show, whether ya like it er
Aw'right, so, I only send this on in my ongoin attempt to promote
good citizenship and harmony among th masses. Below is message as
NOTHING PERSONAL JUST SOME GOOD INFO FOR ALL OF US
HOW TO FORWARD E-MAIlL APPROPRIATELY
A friend who is a computer expert received the following directly
from a system administrator for a corporate system. It is an excellent
message that ABSOLUTELY applies to ALL of us who send e-mails. Please
read the short letter below, even if you're sure you already follow
Do you really know how to forward e-mails? 10% of us do; 90% DO NOT.
Do you wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Do you hate it?
Every time you forward an e-mail there is information left over from
the people who got the message before you, namely their e-mail addresses
& names. As the messages get forwarded along, the list of addresses
builds, and builds, and builds, and all it takes is for some poor
sap to get a virus, and his or her computer can send that virus to
every e-mail address that has come across his computer. Or, someone
can take all of those addresses and sell them or send junk mail to
them in the hopes that you will go to the site and he will make five
cents for each hit. That's right, all of that inconvenience over a
How do you stop it? Well, there are several easy steps:
(1) When you forward an e-mail, DELETE all of the other addresses
that appear in the body of the message (at the top). That's right,
DELETE them. Highlight them and delete them, backspace them, cut them,
whatever it is you know how to do. It only takes a second. You MUST
click the 'Forward' button first and then you will have full editing
capabilities against the body and headers of the message. If you don't
click on 'Forward' first, you won't be able to edit the message at
(2) Whenever you send an e-mail to more than one person, do NOT use
the To: or Cc: fields for adding e-mail addresses. Always use the
BCC: (blind carbon copy) field for listing the e-mail addresses. This
is the way the people you send to will only see their own e-mail address.
If you don't see your Bcc: option click on where it says To: and your
address list will appear. Highlight the address and choose Bcc: and
that's it, it's that easy! When you send to Bcc: your message will
automatically say 'Undisclosed Recipients' in the 'To:' field of the
people who receive it.
(3) Remove any 'FW' in the subject line. You can re-name the subject
if you wish, or even fix spelling.
(4) ALWAYS hit your Forward button from the actual e-mail you are
reading. Ever get those e-mails that you have to open 10 pages to
the one page with the information on it? By forwarding from the actual
page you wish someone to view, you stop them from having to open many
e-mails just to see what you sent. I know if I discover I must open
umpteen paper clips or e-mails, I get frustrated and just delete before
I ever get to the one I'm supposed to read!
(5) Have you ever gotten an email that is a petition? It states a
position and asks you to add your name and address and to forward
it to 10 or 15 people or your entire address book. The email can be
forwarded on and on and can collect thousands of names and email addresses.
A FACT: The completed petition is actually worth a couple of bucks
to a professional spammer because of the wealth of valid names and
e mail addresses contained therein. If you want to support the petition,
send it as your own personal letter to the intended recipient.
Your position may carry more weight as a personal letter than a laundry
list of names and email address on a petition. (Actually, if you think
about it, who's actually supposed to send the petition in to whatever
cause it supports? And don 't believe the ones that say that the email
is being traced, it just ain't so!)
(6) One of the main ones I hate is the one that says that like, 'Send
this email to 10 people and you'll see something great run across
your screen.' Or, sometimes they'll just tease you by saying something
really cute will happen' IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! (Trust me, I'm
still seeing some of the same ones that I waited on 10 years ago!)
I don't let the bad luck ones scare me either, they get trashed. (Could
be why I haven won the lottery??)
(7) Before you forward an Amber Alert, or a Virus Alert, or some of
the other ones floating around nowadays, check them out before you
forward them. Most of them are junk mail that's been circling the
net for YEARS! Just bout everything you receive in an email that is
in question can be checked out at Snopes. Just go to http://www.snopes.com.
It's really easy to find out if it's real or not. If it's not, please
don't pass it on. So please, in the future, let's stop the junk mail
and the viruses.
Finally, here's an idea!!! Let's send this to everyone we know (but
strip my address off first, please). This information is something
that SHOULD be forwarded.
OK, so there ya have it boyz and gurlz. Let's all go out there now
and be model E-mailers. And remember kids, Tommy Toilet sez, "Always
wipe when yer finished!"
Can You Help Me?
August 28, 2007 6:58 PM
Perhaps a lot of you weren't aware of this, but besides
bein a former bird watcher, I was also a juggler of lemons while astride
my uni-cycle. Until, that is, when one dark and dastardly night, my
uni-cycle was stolen by a mysterious one legged thief, who cycled
away off into th sodden night. Th loss weighed quite heavily on me,
as ya can imagine, and I never quite recovered.
Fer years now, peoples have never believed my version of this story;
but it's true! So, if ya should ever see a one legged uni-cyclist,
toolin his dark self about, please let me know so that, not only can
I reclaim my uni-cycle itself, which I dearly miss, but jus as important,
my reputation and credibility.
I want to restore my good name!! And I want my fookin uni-cycle back
Gettin Into Th Wind
August 27, 2007 7:57 PM
Earlier I was drivin south down US 71 jus past downtown.
Th speed limit alongthat stretch is 55. All of a sudden this young
dude on his scooter' roared by me and he musta been doin 75-80 mph.
Nothin reel exceptional bout that cept fer th fact he was on one wheel.
Ha ha No jive!! His bike was nothin more than a couple degrees off
bein verticle. I mean that dude was just bout standin straight up.
It would seem to me th wind resistance at that speed woulda blown
him right over backwards, but obviously he knew what he was doin.
What a rush that must be!!
guinness book of world feces
August 27, 2007 4:08 PM
If ya never bought a piece of shit before, but ya'd
like to, well then go buy a copy of th guinness book of world records,
cuz thas as close as ya could come, without actually buying yerself
a turd, cuz thas a piece of shit! And I refuse to give it even th
slightest bit of legitimacy by capitalizing th name. There was a time,
somewhere, back in th mists of memory, when it was in fact an interesting
and fairly respectable source of authority. Now it's nothin but a
mass of totally trivialized crap. This is th kinda shit that goes
in there today.
Like, I jus got thru reading a few minutes ago, where some dim-wit
18 year old gurl jus hugged 765 people in less than an hour and plans
to send th results in to those even bigger dim-witted idiots to put
in their book. I mean, really! Who in th fuck would care about a bit
of information as utterly inane, banal and consequential as that?
And furthermore, what kinda fuckin moron would it take to participate
in anything as mind-numbingly stupid as that? Can ya imagine some
one comin into th saloon, beamin with pride as they announce,
"Hey ya'll, I was one of 765 other peoples who jus hugged this
chick and now we're gonna be in that stupid book!! I mean, how cool
And of course, th whole joint goes abuzz as every one there will swarm
about em, wantin to buy em a drink, and shake their hand, and give
em a hearty slap on th back, with beau coup high-fivins goin on and
mebbe even get their autograph!"
And then all those peoples can leave there and go and tell all their
friends and family and strangers they meet at th supermarket bout
the celebrity they saw earlier; a participant in a hugging contest.
A record set fer huggin peoples. Gonna be in guinness's! Oh, th Thrill!!
No but seriously, can you imagine standin in a line, a real long line,
some peoples fer an hour, and ur standin there, while th line slowly
advances, sharin little snippets of ur life with other participants
around ya, no doubt pullin out yer family photos, and pics of yer
gerbil, waitin to give this little 18 y/o chick a hug so it will be
put in some stupid-ass book?
And ya don't gotta watch reel close either, cus hardly a week goes
by that ya don't read about some other incredibly stupid effort to
do some other incredibly stupid thing in order to have it documented
in this incredibly stupid book.
Cuba! Whas Up With That?
August 22, 2007 9:43 PM
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was sellin
used cars for Fidel Castro. Thas right!! Selling used cars fer Fidel.
Now, this being said, and I know it was jus a dream and all, and I
don't wanna make too big a thing out of it all.....BUT...... I'll
tell ya one thing about Fidel
Castro: he is a connivin, cheatin sombitch and
I WILL NEVER WORK ON A CAR LOT FOR HIM AGAIN!!! ....even in a dream!!
Thas a fact!! He fucked me out of my commission fer th last time!
And if ya got any sense at all you will drive right on by 'Crazy Fidels'
and go on down th road to "Crazy Eddys." You'll get a better
deal there I promise you!!!
I spose I may have had Fidel on my mind cus I jus heard a sound clip
earlier in th evening where Barak Obama said he would re-open trade
with Cuba. And his statements caused a major furor. Normalise relations
with Cuba? Oh, th Horror!
Well sheeit, it's about fuckin time somebody did! It's about time
somebody reversed our insane policy towards Cuba, which every Administration
since JFK have blindly endorsed and continued. Fer what reason? To
And in spite of th shoddy way he treated me in my dream, I personally
have never been a knee-jerk Castro hater. I am always amazed at th
picture we have painted of him. I'm surprised we don't refer to him
as 'The Great Satan' th way we have demonized him fer th last 47 years!!
I don't mean to imply I love th guy, far from it, cuz my antipathy
towards him is personal, but I have jus never understood our Government's
position towards him and th Cuban peoples.
Sure he was a dictator, so what!? Think of all the other oppressive
dictatorships we have supported and done business with all over the
world at the expense of their own peoples durin th past 47 years.
Sheeit, th examples are too fuckin numerous to mention.
As far as th US is concerned, he is one of th biggest OGRES in the
whole fuckin world, and thru association, so is th Cuba Government
and th Cuban peoples!
We have had an economic embargo on these peoples for some 45-46 or
so years. I mean, we have better relations with N. Vietnam, a country
we were involved in an actual ten year war with, fr'chrissake, and
who inflicted some 58,000+ killed and a hundred fifty thousand+ wounded
on us. But ya can buy a Big Mac in Saigon today tho. We have better
relations with China, a Communist country of some 1.3 billion peoples
who also have a dismal human rights track record, blah blah blah.
This is a country we granted 'most favored nation' trading status
to a few years back, and now currently supply us with jus about every
godam thing we buy. They have over 900 McDonalds there now. But ya
can't send food or medicine to Cuba.
So, my theory is this; I've said it before on numerous occasions,
mostly to jeers and hissings. But I believe that....... Castro was
in some way responsible fer th assassination of JFK, and becuz of
agreements we had made with th Russkies, in connection with th removal
of their missiles from Cuba, and becuz of secret agreements with them
about Castro and th Cuban government, we could not retaliate against
Th common perception is that in that Cuban missile crisis showdown,
"the other guy blinked first" as we have been told ad nauseum.
Well, thas true to a large extent, but th fact of th matter is that
we blinked back too. That wasn't strictly a one way street there,
where th Russians gave up Everything, and we gave up Nothing. It was
aquid pro quo kinda thing.
Besides quietly pulling our Redstone missiles outta Turkey, which
the Russians rightfully considered a threat, we made certain guarantees
to them vis a vis Cuba.
Well, sheeit it's a well known fact today that Kennedy had tried to
have Castro assassinated on several occasions usin Mafia hit men in
some really bizarre attempts. So it's not unreasonable to believe
that Castro decided to hit back, but he was successful in doin so!
And our Government, knowin this, but because of bein unable to retaliate
against him, becuz of those secret guarantees with th Russkies I mentioned
earlier, and not bein able to explain to th Amerikan peoples why we
couldn't take him out, came up with th Warren Commission Whitewash
to salve our curiosity and formulated an anti-Castro, anti-Cuban policy
that would remain in place as long as Fidel Castro was still alive.
Th Warren Commission had to really stretch to make some of th facts
match their lone-assassin scenario. And yet, there it remains to this
This also would help to explain why to this very day, some 44 years
after th fact, there are so many documents relating to JFK's assassination
that are still classified. Why? Why? Why?
If it all went down as they say, still, that Oswald acted alone and
no one else was involved, then why in th fuck is so much of it still
classified? What in th world could possibly be there to warrant these
continuing decades of secrecy? I'm tellin ya; look at th Castro connection!
You jus watch how quickly we decide to re-evaluate our Cuban policy
after El Commandanté checks out. It won't be very damned long
I'll bet ya!
Course, as with so many other damned things, I could be wrong. But
I don't think so!!!!
Troll Alert, Condition Red!
August 21, 2007 3:25 AM
As ya may recall, recently I mentioned Trolls as
one possible cause of th bridge collapse in Minneapolis. I had one
mook chide me fer my “insensitivity” fer suggestin such
a thing. I replied in as diplomatic fashion as I could muster, I said,
"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!"
Now, once again, we have had another tragedy. As I mentioned before,
Trolls live under bridges and in CAVES, ya'dig! I leave ya to infer
anything ya want from that. But, I'll bet tho, yer spelunkers out
there could tell ya a story or two about close encounters of th third
variety with mysterious critters slinkin about deep below th surface.
But, they're mostly reluctant to speak of such things, becuz of th
ridicule and derision they might face if they went public.
Most peoples, especially th younger sorts, were never warned when
they were younger about bein wary about bridges and caves and th dangers
lurkin there. They're a lot more likely to be concerned about a "virus"
gettin into their my-space site, than usin a bit of caution when crossin
bridges and explorin caves they might come across on their occasional
forays out into th wilderness. Th "wilderness" bein any
area not covered with asphalt or concrete.
Do ya know how many young peoples go missin every year, and jus seemingly
drop off th face of th earth? They're not all shootin meth and turnin
tricks down there in th dark side of town. I suspect Trolls are responsible
fer more mayhem than any one wants to admit.
So, I'm suggestin that Homeland Security take a closer look at this
problem. I'm suggestin that spelunkers and bridge repair workers be
formed up into elite units, trained to recognise th telltale signs
of th Troll; droppings, fr'instance. It's time to form up and make
th "Troll Patrol" operational.
When are we going to wake up and realize th threat right here amongst
us? I'm suggestin we take this threat more seriously! When is somebody
goin to finally say,
When are they goin to declare a War on Trolls? Sheeit, we got so many
other wars goin on, what's one more?
Some peoples say I make too much of this issue; that I exaggerate
th threat. I say,
"Pshaw! Wake up Amerika! Before it's too late!"
Military Tribunals (an idea whose time has come, perhaps)
August 20, 2007 7:02 AM
Altho I wrote this almost four years ago, it seems
jus as relevant today as it did then, doesn't it?
While many peoples oppose this particular concept of Justice, I'm
thinkin that mebbe, in certain situations, military tribunals could
be applied to a vexin problem facin Amerika and our Way of Life.
I'm talkin here about th dangers posed by th many peoples who are
currently drivin about while yakkin it up on their cell phones, and
th bicyclists and joggers, and speed walkers, with their arms flailin
about, listenin to their sony walkmans, who are clutterin up our hiways
and byways, and sidewalks and streets and park paths and malls and
jus about every other goddamned place where decent law abidin Amerikans
hang out. These kinda anti-social activities need to be outlawed,
and those who break those laws need to be held accountable fer their
lawlessness. Who can even begin to figure out th rendins of hair and
gnashin of teeth these hooligans are responsible fer!?
By placin these palookas in Re-Education camps similar to those run
so efficiently by Pol Pot in Cambodia during the 70's, they would
be permitted to do stoop labor, while re-adjustin their anti-social
attitudes. In employin em thusly, we could also reduce th flood of
illegal immigrants comin here looking fer xactly that kind of employment
and willin to work on th cheap. Cuz when ya ain't payin em shit, it
don't get no cheaper than that!! Even those brown-eyed Joses' ain't
gonna work fer nothin, so we could virtually eliminate th illegal
immigration problema overnight.
Plus, it would be necessary to build many penal institutions to house
em, providin jobs and support fer th Industrial-Prison Complex which
has become so necessary to th economic well being of our country.
In a Just Society, ya can never have too many prisons, and right now,
even tho we're still Numbah One in th world in that area, ya can't
jus stand on yer laurels, ya dig. Always gotta be pushin forward.
Perhaps we could even induce Milo Minderbender to come out of retirement
to oversee th whole operation, usin former PFC Wintergreen as his
liaison. And as profitable as it already is, with those two guys runnin
th show, this op could turn into an even bigger cash cow.
Now, while I myself have many friends and acquaintances who are other
wise good and decent peoples, but sadly to say, indulge in these very
same vulgar activities, who may find my ideas odious in th extreme,
this can't be helped, cuz, like, th Lawbreakers never like th Lawgivers!
Thus was it always so!
TOUGH PROBLEMS CALL FOR TOUGH SOLUTIONS,
ya dig! And ya can quote me on that. And while I would miss my amigos
dearly, what is of paramount importance boyz and gurlz is, after all;
The Good Of The Country!
Am I Right Or Not!!
P.S. Besides, it wouldn't be like they got LIFE (well, maybe in the
case of repeat offenders) y'know, jus til they got their heads right.
Although fer some recalcitrant types this can be a problem, but if
ya happen to be th rebellious type, ask Randall McMurphy, or Cool
Hand Luke. They could tell ya how th System deals with individuals
who don't 'get with th Program'!
Somthin Curry-like Goin On In Th Neighborhood
August 19, 2007 3:11 AM
I've been noticin lately that there are more and
more Indians walkin about here. I'm not talkin Amerikan Indians either,
I'm talkin Asian sub-continent Indians. They're drivin up and down
th streets, never singly, but always by th carloads. Groups of em
hoofin up and down th sidewalks.
I jus noticed this recently. I'm gettin suspicious tho they may be
illegal mesican aliens, disguisin themselves as Indians, livin right
here amongst us.
So, earlier today, gettin outta my car, goin into my crib, three of
em were strollin down th sidewalk, and I noticed one of em was carryin
a bag from Taco Bell. Aha! They slipped up and blew their cover. So
I thought I'd test em, jus fer th hell of it, so as they walked by
But they didn't say anything back, so I said it again, louder this
And they jus looked at each other, fakin it, actin like they didn't
understand, but I wasn't buyin it, dig! So this time I said.
"Donde esta el telefono, eh?"
They were still playin 'dumb' lookin at me and jabberin in some kinda
secret meskin code no doubt. And then one of em said in some kinda
"Are you talkeen to us sirrr?"
So, this time, I figured if they were really some Asian sub-continent
Indians they would understand, so, I quoted Robt. Oppenheimer and
"We have become Death, the Destroyer!"
Y'know, I figured they would be familiar with Shiva and all, if they
were reely Indians of th Asian sub-continent brand, but once again;
nothing. I knew it! That confirmed my suspicions. They were gettin
kinda antsy and nervous so I said,
"Hey amigos. It's Ok, No la migra! comprende, Muchas chalupas
and I thought rappin with em in their native tongue would relax em,
but they were too paranoid by now, and they jus turned and proceeded
down th sidewalk and kept lookin nervously over their shoulders. I
stood there in th middle of th sidewalk and yelled out.
and thrust my fist in th air in a classic “power salute”
and one of em gave me a small tentative wave, and said somthin to
his compadres and they all laughed, so apparently they knew I wasn't
gonna drop th proverbial dime on em.
See, it jus goes to show ya that these meskins aren't so bad and if
they wanta act like they're some kinda sub-continent Asian Indians,
I got no problema with that.
Some Overlooked Movies
August 19, 2007 2:02 AM
How come no one has ever made a movie out of On
the Road? We've never had a decent movie come out of th "beat"
era, and this was th most iconic of all th beat literature. It was,
like, th bible of th beat generation, ya'dig. So like, who would ya
cast fer Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarity?
What about, The Electric-Kool-Aid-Acid Test? Another great
movie lyin there in that book waitin to happen.
Ya ever hear rumors of a movie, Confederacy of Dunces? I've
been hearin about it fer years; so where in th fuck-all is it? How
would ya cast that one?
Hey, look here, If ya've never read that book before, ya need to.
You'll be's chucklin and chortlin all th way thru. Takes place in
New Orleans back in th ‘60s. Th author won a Pulitzer posthumously
cus he committed suicide in '69 at th age of 32. Th Chicago Tribune
"A Confederacy of Dunces is an American comedic masterpiece.
John Kennedy Toole's hero is one Ignatius J. Reilly, "huge, obese,
fractious, fastidious, a latter day Gargantua, a Don Quixote of the
French Quarter. His story bursts with wholly original, characters,
denizens of New Orleans' lower depths, incredibly true-to-life dialogue,
and the zaniest series of high and low adventure."
That is but one of numerous glowin accolades from every critic. Try
it; you'll like it.
And what about Catch 22? Aren't we ready for a re-make of
that? There's so much material in that book that wasn't even mentioned
in th movie with Alan Arkin. Hell, ya could make three movies outta
it. And wouldn't ya think th climate rather good for an anti-war movie
right about now?
C'mon Hollywood, get with it!
Th Latest Bottled Water Scam
August 18, 2007 8:03 PM
Is there no limit to th lengths these un-scrupulous
fuckers will go?
Th latest is "Smartwater". Th Coca-Cola company jus shelled
out 4.1 Billion to buy out Glaceau, who formerly produced Smartwater.They
subtly imply that drinkin it will make ya smarter. Smartwater marketing
VP Rohan Oza (personally, I wouldn't pay any attention about anything
to any one named Rohan Oza) said th distilled, electrolyte-infused
"emulates the hydrologic process. 'Hydro' means water. 'Logic
Well, thas what he sez. And ya know what, there are plenty of dumb
muthafuckers out there who'll buy it too, thinkin they're gonna get
smarter. It is unbelievable to me how many of these crazy peoples
are out there already payin 6 bucks a gallon for "Water".
Who woulda ever guessed you could get peoples to pay that kinda money
fer fuckin water, fr'chriisake? They oughta be put in institutions,
cus they're obviously not right in th head. And they're out there
too, everywhere. Yer next door neighbor might be one of em; or yer
Sheeit, you might be one yerself fer all I know, but ya need to be
aware an be wary, cus any one that loony is dangerous.
Any time I'm amblin down th sidewalk and I see some peoples approachin
me wearin their sweaters tied around their waists and sippin some
kinda bottled water, my first instinct is to call 911, and then I
immediately cross to th other side of th street, and slip my piece
into my pocket where I can get to it. Sheeit, ya don't know what they're
liable to do. Peoples that loony; no fuckin tellin!
Th ignernt masses been brainwashed. Th health peoples started telling
every one they oughta drink 8 glasses of water a day! Who in th fuck
drinks 8 glasses of water a day? How ya gonna drink 8 glasses of water
a day? And then they convinced em that their local tap water wasn't
safe, and then, right on cue, th bottled water goons stepped in. So
peoples started buying this distilled water in th notion it was not
only safer, but it was healthy fer em too!
I found it extremely amusin jus a few years ago in France where hundreds
of peoples got sick from drinkin Perrier, th Godfather of bottled
water. Yeah, some how or other it got contaminated. Ha ha I chuckled
fer days over that. But they snake-talked their way outta that. Jus
a little minor abberation, no big deal But watch out fer that tapwater.
So, now, ya see folks drivin to work, sippin on their bottled water
tryin to get their 8 glass quota in. Peoples at th grocery store ostentatiously
sippin their distilled water while grocery shoppin fr'chrissake. Like,
they can't go to th store fer 30 minutes without swiggin their vitally
precious mineral water.
After a while, th bottled water folks, lookin fer new ways to market
their product, started realizin that they had to do somthin to make
th product 'sexier' so they started addin flavors to th water, y'know,
like strawberry or orange or stuff like that. Then they started lacin
it with caffeine, y'know fer an energy boost. (ya can do a hit of
crank and get th same effect)
Hey, looky here, I got a swell idea I'm gonna jus throw out there
and th first entrepreneur who wants to run with it; go for it! This
will be big, I'm tellin ya!! OK, hows bout addin some tea leaves to
th water? You could sell it and call it Teawater. I think it'll fly!
OK, so now, we got Smartwater!! Tired of folks callin ya "young
and dumb"? They got jus th thing for ya. Tired of folks referrin
to ya as "th old dumb fuck"? No more, cuz now with Smartwater
peoples will be amazed at yer mental facilities. Hey students, Got
an important test comin up? Mebbe a chess match? A couple quarts of
Smartwater and ya'll be in like Flynn.
Comin to yer neighborhood market soon from th folks at Coca-Cola.
So be smart. Try it...and be smarter! Drink a quart of hydrologic
Smartwater and put your brain in first gear and listen while it burns
rubber fer a block!
P.S. Hey, this stuff is for real! Rohan Oza wouldn't jive ya!
I Rest My Case
August 16, 2007 1:32 PM
OK ya'll, this incident jus happened a few minutes
ago and illustrates exactly why I get so upset with bicyclists. It
is so typical of common bicyclist behavior.
I was driving south on Brookside, a four-lane street as ya know. I
was in th far right lane, next to th curb, For some reason just ahead,
traffic was backed up and cars in my lane were tryin to merge into
th left lane. I figured th lane must be blocked by some construction.
NAH, it was a bicyclist ploddin lazily along at about 5 mph, completely
oblivious to th traffic jam and turmoil she was creating.
As I went by her, I stifled my impulse to share my thoughts with her
about herself. After all, she has a "right" to be on that
street too, in spite of........well never mind, I don't wanna get
into all that right now.
So, anyway, jus a short distance ahead I got caught at a stop light.
OK, now pay attention here boyz and gurlz; use yer imagination and
try and see this scenario in yer mind, cuz I can't draw ya a diagram.
I was th third car in line in my lane and there were four cars in
th left lane. I glanced in my mirror and here comes this woman right
down th middle between th two rows of cars.
As it happened, she reached th intersection jus as th light changed
and she went to make a left turn. Well th guy there in that left lane
she was goin to cut right in front of didn't know a bicycle was there,
and he jus barely missed her, causin her to lose her balance and almost
fall, circlin around, wobblin back in my lane and th car in front
of me almost hit her too, blastin his horn, not bein ready fer that.
But no problema fer her, cuz she then proceeded to cross th intersection
diagonally right in front of th oncomin traffic!! All cars in all
four lanes in both directions halted, with several of em honkin their
horns too, but no one moved, not havin any idea what this fuckin idiot
was goin to do next. I couldn't contain myself any longer and put
my window down and shrieked at her,
"GET OFF TH ROAD YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON!"
I wasn't th only one pissed there, I can tell ya. Hey, but ya know
what's goin to happen now, don't ya? Yeah, no doubt, some where in
th next few days there'll be a letter to th editor from a female bicyclist
complainin about th rude behavior and obscene remarks made at her
by some jerk motorists as she was simply ridin her bike, jus tryin
to do her part to relieve our dependence on foreign oil and to help
protect th environment. Oh, it's jus terrible what th poor, embattled
bicyclist must endure, eh!
Th War continues.....but I shall never surrender! Never! I shall fight
them on th beaches, I shall fight them in th streets, I shall carry
th fight to th enemy and in th end, god willing, I shall prevail!!
I could use some help tho ya'll. I wish some one would organise a
power rally fer 'th Cause' down there in th Plaza by th fountains.
That seems to be th favorite place to hold rallies. We could all park
our cars on th grass and hold banners sayin stuff like,
POWER TO TH MOTORIST!
and chant slogans,
NO BIKES! NO PEACE!
NO BIKES! NO PEACE!
And we be could be rowdy and act like hooligans and throw rocks and
bottles and rotten fruits and other stuff at bicyclists who happen
to be passin by. And if we should get lucky and knock one of em off
their bikes we could........ well never mind, mebbe some chirrun might
be readin this, but ya know whut I'm gettin at don'cha? wink! wink!
Oh, whut fun, eh! And all fer a good cause.
August 16, 2007 12:01 PM
Below is th letter th Star printed that
I sent in a few days ago, minus what they edited out.
"Of course it was a tragedy that two bicyclists were killed while
riding on the side of the road. Altho that gentleman and his granddaughter
could have suffered the same terrible fate if they had simply been
walking there. The point is; regardless of whether you are on foot,
or on a bicycle, or even in your car, you are always at high risk
to inattentive drivers.
"What bicycle riders, joggers and walkers just stubbornly refuse
to admit is, that it will always and forever be extremely dangerous
for them to try and use the same thoroughfares that are designed for
larger, heavier, faster moving motorised vehicles such as motorcycles,
cars, vans, trucks, buses. Now, this is th part they left out.
"No one questions why cars are not allowed to drive 20 mph on
a 70 mph highway? It's so obvious why, isn't it? Then why in the world
would any one think that a tiny, light-weight two wheeled bicycle
being propelled at 5-10 mph should be sharing the same road as vehicles
traveling at 35 mph? For their own safety's sake, they ought to be
banned from doing so!"
You see what they did? What they did was print what was in effect,
a mild, luke warm observation, eliminatin th stridency and shrillness
I intended. That abandoned paragraph was intended to make my main
point, namely to get th fuckers off th streets!! (as noted in that
last sentence) Th way I look at it, if they wanted to eliminate one
paragraph, why not th first one?
A TALE OF TWO KITTIES
August 16, 2007 6:21 AM
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
(pretty nifty opening line for a story, huh?! HEY, IT'S MINE. DON'T
MESS WITH IT)
Years ago....... it was 1971..... I had inherited a cat from an elderly
lady I rented from, and who no longer was able to take care of it.
I named the cat, 'Killer', in a brilliant flash of creativity, because
of course, Killer was the antithesis of a "killer". (wasn't
that cleaver of me! And so original too)
He was a huge, white cat, with the most mellow temperament you can
imagine. A really big cat. I mean, if Killer had been just a tad bigger,
I could have saddled him up and ridden him thru the neighborhood.
Just to give ya' some insight into how killer's mind worked, sometimes,
when Killer wanted to lay down, he didn't go thru any wasted energy,
like, actually going thru the motions of laying down. No..... what
he did was....he would just stand there......and then he would just
flop over on his side with a loud thump! He looked like one of those
pictures you see where the buffalo gets shot, and, WHAM, he's slapped
on his side.
One night my room mate, in a moment of drunken faux pity, brought
home a small black kitten, who had been hanging around the dumpster
behind the bar for several days, so he could have a pet of his own
too, I suppose.
After some serious thought and reflection one night, and many beers
and joints, we named the kitty, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The
Body Snatchers". OK, now right here I want to make it clear,
his name was not "Neil Young" or else, "Invasion Of
The Body Snatchers", no, no, it was, "Neil Young Or Invasion
Of The Body Snatchers". Understand what I'm saying?
OK, so when I would leave the apartment to conduct my evening drinking
rounds, I would put Killer in the kitchen, which had a heavy swinging
door and although he could have easily knocked the door off it's hinges,
had he so chosen, he just didn't want to be bothered with mundane
shit like that. Just wasn't up for it, Entirely too much effort involved!
And by keeping him in the kitchen, I removed any temptations he might
have to eat my furniture while I was gone. Well one night I put the
little black kitty, "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"
in the kitchen there with him.
When I came drunkenly home some hours later, I was surprised and confused
to find "Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" lying
in the middle of the living room carpet. I had to stop and think......
hmmmm, and then I clearly remembered putting him in the kitchen with
Killer. When I picked him up and I discovered white fur in his little
tiny kitten claws, I thought...
"This is suspicious". Hmmm, I thought, "Something's
not right here". I walked into the kitchen, holding him in my
arms and when poor Killer saw him, he so freaked out, he peed in his
dockers. It seems, after terrorising poor Killer, "Neil Young
Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" had simply pushed right thru
the swinging doors and gone into the living room to chill.
After that, we had to keep them separated, lest "Neil Young Or
Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" cause more great mental anguish
and bodily harm to Killer. After about three weeks, one night "Neil
Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" didn't come home. My
room mate went out on the front porch
around three in the morning and kept calling him over and over, "C'mere
"Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers". I'm sure
our neighbors didn't really quite understand what that was all about.
Now see, I didn't have to go thru all that nonsense with Killer....
all I had to do, was go out and whistle... you know... that whistle
you do for your dog.... and within a half minute, Killer would come
sauntering back into the house. Killer didn't run anywhere, even when
he was trying to catch squirrels. I don't think Killer ever caught
a squirrel or bird in his entire life. Killer was the absolute “lamest”
hunter you ever saw.
Well anyway, after several days passed, it was evident that "Neil
Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" wasn't coming home.
My room mate felt real bad about it, although, not so strangely, Killer
definitely had a bit of a bounce in his step again. I sometimes still
wonder if Killer didn't have a hand, or a paw, as it were, in NYOIOTBS
So anyway, my room mate who was a sensitive, in touch with his feelings
kinda guy, who liked to break bones and bust heads for laughs playing
rugby, plaintively asked me,
"Cap't, where's Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers?
Do ya think something bad happened to him?"
And I said,
"There, there, he's prolly just out playing with some of the
other neighborhood kitties, or else he's been adopted by an elderly
lady and right this minute is purringly lying in her lap while she
strokes his little black kitty head."
And he said,
"Do ya' really think so?"
And I said,
"Yeah, fer sure man! Now let's go and get drunk and we'll have
a beer for Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers!"
And, so we did. Years later, after I'd gotten married, when Killer
failed to come home one time, after repeated whistlings and whistlings
for days and days, and many repeated questions from my kids as to
his where abouts, I finally had to tell them that he had decided to
move to the country, where ho could enjoy a slower pace of life and
where he could get away from all the cars, and the horns, and the
noise and the Pollution. I assured them he was in a "better place."
They were cool with that, especially since we had gotten another kitty
named "Shadow" to fill in for him.
Y'know how kids are, Life moves on! But for myself..... Killer and
Neil Young Or Invasion Of The Body Snatchers ........for these past
36 years, I must say.....You may be long Gone... but not yer forgotten!!!
A Different Letter To Th Editor
August 14, 2007 9:42 PM
There is a letter to th editor in today's paper from
a lady who has just returned from a bike riding vacation in Colorado,
"to our bicycle-unfriendly town where riders are forced to share
sidewalks, rather than run the risk of an encounter with inattentive,
harried or frustrated drivers."
She then goes on to,
"ask that our citizens encourage, rather than discourage those
of us who are trying to save fuel, increase fitness, and enjoy the
I would say to her,
"Buy a Honda Civic, do some sit-ups, and take a fuckin hike!"
And, oh yeah,
"Stay th fuck off our streets!"
I kinda have my doubts whether they're going to print my letter after
that one. Jus cus they call ya to ask yer permission, doesn't necessarily
mean they're goin to.
On a related note, did'ja also happen to see where a bicyclist is
in critical condition after he was hit by a car around 12:20 AM this
morning. He was goin th wrong way up a one way street. And I'm bettin
he wasn't runnin no lights either.
P.S. Did'ja also see this headline?
"HIT AND RUN DRIVER WRECKS HAVOC"
hmmm I wonder how bad he wrecked that havoc?
Here We Go Again
August 14, 2007 5:45 PM
See, I got certain thoughts that travel around my
mind like a train on a closed circuit track. Every now and then, I
run alongside and leap up in one of those boxcars and rattle on fer
a little ride, round that same ol track, same ol scenery, same ol
clickity-clackity, round and round I go. You've heard em before. My
bitches against th cell phone abusers, th anti-smokin freaks, th put-th-toilet-seat
down crowd, th recreational walker, jogger, and bicycle posses.
There are others too of course, but I'm on th bicycle issue again.
OK, fer all of ya that have been on this train with me before, ya
might jus as well jump off right now, cus I'm pissed again and 'goin
off' once more about th same ol things.
OK, jus last night I was sittin at an intersection, and when th light
changed, as I went to pull off, I had to hit my brakes immediately
cus this stupid fuckin asshole on his bike, pedalin his ass furiously,
blew right thru th red light. I didn't even see him, til I almost
pulled right out in front of him. See, even tho it was nitetime and
even tho he had no lights of any kind on his bike, he didn't wanna
have to stop and lose his momentum. I wish I coulda chased his ass
down, and fulfilled his Death Wish, but I had places to be.
Cursed bicyclists! Damn their eyes! Sheeit, whenever they mention
that "right" they have to be on the roads it sends me into
a frothin frenzy.
Every time I read a letter ta th editor from some whinin, snivelin
bicyclist about th rude remarks some motorist made ta him, I get riled.
My adrenaline starts pumpin, my eyes start burnin and I start that
frothin thing at th mouth. Like I said, it bugs me.
See, that fuckin mook doesn't mention how th joggers and walkers on
th running trail he was ridin on were jus goin too fookin slow fer
him, so naturally, completely without warning of any kind, he jus
dashed right out in th street and th guy in th car almost sideswiped
him and then had th temerty to cast rude remarks in His direction.
Godammit, he's on a bicycle and if he wants ta switch from th sidewalk
ta th street at a moments notice, without any kinda warnin whutsoever;
thas his privilege! He's special ya see!! He's on a bicycle!! Laws
and regulations don't apply ta him like they do ta those jerks in
Do ya think fer one second these bicyclists would also agree that
roller bladers and skateboarders have that same "right"
too. Well hell no they wouldn't! Ya can't have peoples skatin, and
roller bladin on th same places where they wanna ride their bikes.
Sheeit. Be serious! But they don't see th similarities.
I am 65 years old and never in my life have I ever seen a cop givin
a ticket ta a bicyclist. Fer any reason!! Why izzat? If bicyclists
have a "right" to ride on public streets, then why aren't
they held accountablefor breakin th rules of th road jus like motorists
are? Why don't they have to stop at stop signs? Red lights? How come
they can ride th wrong way on a one way street without even thinkin
about it? They don't have to worry bout those silly things cus; they're
on a bicycle!!!!! They don't give even th slightest thought or consideration
to th rules and regulations that every motorist must abide by, cuz
whut th hell, they don't apply ta em.
Hey, here's a scenario fer ya! It's dark. It's nighttime. This dude
is ridin his bike. Th front wheel is lop-sided, th handlebars are
noticeably loose and wobbly. He's blind in one eye. He's mentally
retarded, unable ta read or write. So..... he obviously has no license
of any kind! Road signs are meaningless ta him.
his bike has no license plate!
he has no safety inspection sticker!
he has no head lights!
he has no tail lights!
he has no turn signals!
he has no speedometer!
he has no rear view mirror!
he has no horn!
he's not required ta wear a helmet!
he doesn't even have a reflector on it!
he doesn't need any of those things!
None of these things are required at all.
It's a bicycle!!
And yet, this unlicensed, mentally retarded individual can ride his
defective bike jus about any place, any where, any time he wants.
On th joggin path, on th sidewalk, on th street, across th park on
th grass. Any godam place! And it's perfectly legal.
Ya could change that scenario from a mentally retarded person ta a
eight year old kid and it wouldn't change anything legally. No one
would even consider lettin either one of those guys drive a car, but
they can both ride their bikes on th same streets with cars! Daytime,
nighttime, any fuckin time! Does that make any fuckin sense? If so,
please explain it ta me!!
Looky here, when one drives on a hi-way there are two speed limits;
one restricts how fast ya can go, and th other restricts how slow
ya can go. This makes sense!! Ya wouldn't want a guy drivin down th
hi-way doin twenty when every one else is doin 70-75! Ya don't have
to be a waste management specialists ta realise th disparity in speed
would create hazards fer himself and others, eh? I don't think you'd
find any one who would disagree with that, and yet, a bicyclist sees
nothin wrong with ridin his bike 7 mph on a street where th rest of
th peoples are doin 35?
Now, I know there are some bicyclist who ride responsibly and obey
laws, OK?! even tho they are not actually required to do so, but they're
such a miniscule percentage of th bicyclists out on th streets. Like,
fr'instance, there may be six or seven of em here in KC.
So, all you guyz and gurlz who are friends of mine and who ride yer
bikes, before ya voice yer next complaint bout th rude motorists out
there; stop and think fer a change bout us poor motorists, and pedestrians,
and joggers who gotta deal with yer antics everyday!
Apologies accepted! Ha ha
P.S. I'm writin a poem bout myself and th bicyclist. It's called,
"Blood on th Road!"
letter to th editor
August 13, 2007 4:54 PM
I jus got a call from th kansas city star a few minutes
ago wantin to know if they could print a letter I wrote em about bicycle
I said. "mmmm well, um, ok.... I guess so."
but sheeeit, ya can't properly bitch about anything in 150 words,
y'know whut I mean.
but anyway, here's th letter in response to a column mike Hendricks
"Safety is a two way street" about th man and his 8 y/o
grandaughter who were killed recently riding along side th hiway.
Re: Safety Is A Two Way Street, Mike Hendricks
"Of course it was a tragedy that two bicyclists were killed while
riding on the side of the road. Altho that gentleman and his granddaughter
could have suffered the same terrible fate if they had simply been
walking there. The point is; regardless of whether you are on foot,
or on a bicycle, or even in your car, you are always at high risk
to inattentive drivers.
What bicycle riders, joggers and walkers just stubbornly refuse to
admit is, that it will always and forever be extremely dangerous for
them to try and use the same thoroughfares that are designed for larger,
heavier, faster moving motorised vehicles such as motorcycles, cars,
vans, trucks, buses and so on.
No one questions why cars are not allowed to drive 20 mph on a 70
mph highway? It's so obvious why, isn't it? Then why in the world
would any one think that a tiny, light-weight two wheeled bicycle
being propelled at 5-10 mph should be sharing the same road as vehicles
traveling at 35 mph? For their own safety's sake, they ought to be
banned from doing so!"
as ya well know from past rants of mine I coulda gone on fer pages
and pages, and jus barely scratched th surface on my aguments, but
ya only get 150 words. I reely don't know why I even bothered.
Consideration Of Others
August 12, 2007 7:45 PM
I wrote a buddy recently and I was complainin about
peoples and their cell phones and how they blabber away in restaurants,
bars, etc, completely oblivious to others around em who haven't th
slightest interest in hearin their conversations and how we need more
phone-etiquette and so on; y'know, like, how peoples need to be more
considerate of others.
And I jus got a reply from him a few minutes ago remindin me how back
in '68 I was talkin on th pay phone in a joint and I clobbered a guy
over th head several times with th phone cus he kept buggin me cuz
he wanted to use it. Th guy was bein a jerk about it and I was only
tryin to teach him some manners.
I don't see th connection?
Workin Fer Th MAN.
August 12, 2007 5:57 PM
A buddy sent me a rather amusin joke about a lesbian
construction crew. There was nothing demeanin about it, but it did
bring back memories of a situation I was in back in 1980. I wrote
"Ha ha. that reminded me of a gig i had back in '80. at that
time i had a CETA job. (comprehensive employment training act) this
was a federally funded effort to give hard core un-employable peeples,
such as myself, (because of my dope convictions) an opportunity to
learn a trade by means of "on the job training".
So, we re-habbed houses down on th west side, learning th basics of,
electrical, plumbing, roofing, carpentry, and everything else involved
in construction. th idea being, that after 18 months, ya would be
able to get a job in one of those fields.
There were four different crews, each one consisting of 1 supervisor
and 4 crewmen. two of th crews were composed entirely of lesbians.
There was an extreme lot of friction between th crew i worked on and
the lezzies. tho i couldn't care less myself, y'dig, but the other
guys 3 guys on my crew were extremely prejudicial. (keep in mind that
this was 30 years ago and anti-gay prejudice was even stronger than
it is today)
Like, one of th guys on my crew was from Guatemala, who spoke not
one word on English, but non-th-less, because of his sense of Latin
American machismo I spose, had a visceral loathing of them.
Another was a stone ghetto black dude who was "strapped"
even when workin, cuz as he said, "ya never know dude!"
and also hated lesbians.
and the 3rd guy was newly released from th joint at jeff city, and
spent a good part of every day talkin about how he'd like to "off
th whole fuckin lot of em".
and th gurls, all of em, bein yer stereotypical butch-dyke type lesbians
did nothin to lessen th tensions, but in fact, seemed to purposely
exacerbate em. hardly a week went by when it looked like our crew
was gonna rumble with one of their crews. or else the two gurl crews
were threatenin to go at it with each other, while we egged em on.
Th communal friday afternoon meetings where all of th crews and our
supervisors got together to discuss their progress on their respective
projects and different issues could get quite lively. peeples would
be jumpin up and down, yellin and shoutin, gettin outta their chairs,
gettin in each other's faces, sometimes comin to blows. this is why
they were held on fridays, so all parties had a chance to cool off,
before comin back to work on monday. fer myself, th friday afternoon
get togethers were always th highlight of th week. Ha ha
This whole thing was a pretty good example of a typical government
program. like, our crew spent 14 months re-habbing one house completely.
from th basement to th roof; new wiring, plumbing, everything. it
really was quite nice when we finished it. all six-teen of th family
who lived there were pleased with th results, in spite of th rather
lengthy time it took.
It had cost approximately $100,000 in wages and $30,000 in materials.
A month later a city inspector came out and assessed it's value at
Oh well, it provided me and four other guys a job fer four-teen months.
thas somthin I spose.
Foods Preparation Safety
August 11, 2007 4:29 AM
Here's a little secret I wanna share with ya. Th
next time ya go su casa early of a morn, after drinkin a lotta beers
and doin other stuff, an ya decide ya wanna fix yerself an early mornin
repast, listen up: if yer preparation involves edged implements, BE
See, like, this is whut happened to me a few minutes ago. I decided
to fix myself a McGonigles dog, and accompany it with some sliced
tomato. That decision was my mistake. I shoulda remembered past experiences
of this nature. Like, stuff involvin knives, y'know.
OK, so I micro-waved th dog without incident, and put it on a plate.
So far, so good. But, here's where things went a bit awry. Then I
placed my home grown tomato next to it and proceeded to cut it in
in small slices.
"Whut a tomato."
I thought. Just like th olden days. Bright red and juicy. Ya don't
get tomatoes like this every day any more. I marvelled at th bright
red juice gushin outta th tomato. Cool! Very cool!
"Wow! Bright, red juicy tomato!"
But as I looked a bit closer, I realised th juice was flowin, not
from th fookin tomato, but from my finger instead!
I guess I sliced a small bit of my finger in lieu of th tomato.
Oh darn. Sheeit. And I was tryin to be so careful too. Oh well, whut
th hell; this kinda stuff gonna happen to yew too boyz and gurlz,
cuz this time of th morn, all things considered, wha ya gonna do!?
Ya got no biz bein in th kitchen anyway. And it would be silly (and
wasteful) to throw yer tomato away jus cuz of a little blood.
Besides, altho I don't necessarily recommend ya do this on a regular
basis, it does provide some different taste sensations from th norm.
It does add that little extra nuance of flavor ya don't get every
And then too, keep this in mind; tomorrow morning is a whole new game
anyway! Who will ever know? I prolly won't my own self and hopefully,
others will never find out and accuse me of bein some kinda bloodsucking
It was an accident, ya'dig!
Speakin Of Th Newspaper
August 10, 2007 8:20 PM
Today's front page of th KC Star is a good
example of whut I was talking about referrin to th demise of th newspaper
to a schlocky, buzz-buzz bit of malarky better suited to th tabloids.
It consists of an article about some presidential hopefuls coming
to KC Aug. 18th. If yur good with yer math yu'll realise thas still
8 days away, but in keepin with every other bullshit thing about this
presidential election coming up in only 15 months, ya jus can't be
too early with th hype.
Then ya got a color photo of a pig named Moo which takes up prolly
a sixth of th whole page. Moo is gonna be in th Mo. State Fair in
"Stop th presses! Hold everything!! We gots a fantastic picture
of a pig named Moo fer th front page!"
And over th pic, this headline,
ME AND YOU AND A HOG NAMED MOO
Whoooeee! Hot stuff, eh. Thas th kinda front page material editors
Then there's an article about how po-lice are taking a training course
in Warrensburg in case they should have to handle a campus shooting
And then there's a bit about some residents of Osawatomie, Kansas
and a story about a little girl there waiting for a heart transplant.
All of this shit is on th front page of th paper. Now there's nothing
wrong with any of these stories in and of themselves, I spose, but
not very long ago, before th Star revamped itself, each one
of these stories woulda been in th Metro section, now know as th "Local".
Or else, mebbe run in th Enquirer instead.
Obviously th editors have conceded National and World news to other
media sources, deciding since they couldn't compete there, they jus
would tailor th paper to peoples here in th neighborhood.
Oh, hell, if ya wanna read some more boring crap about Iraq, or Iran,
or th situation in Sudan, Darfur, or other places in th world, ya
can still find em buried in th back of th paper y'know, but, like,
fer sizzlin hot news about Moo th pig, look no further than th front
page of th Kansas City Star cuz ya won't be seein a profile
of Moo on th nightly news on NBC, ABC, CBS, or any of th other news
Nope! Look to th Kansas City Star fer that kinda cutting
Whut's Happening To Th Newspaper?
August 8, 2007 10:28 PM
Newspapers are gettin so pathetically desperate
to remain viable in this media saturated world. We now get lots of
color pictures to try and hold our attention; charts and graphs, in
color of course, to try and present things so our simple little minds
can grasp their meaning.
There's an article about a restaurant with a picture of a plate with
a fork on it. An article about a doctor with an illustration of a
stethoscope next to it. An article about aspirin accompanied by a
photo of a finger with an aspirin perched there.
Who in th fuck needs it? Do ya ever get sick to yer stomach of yet
another pic of some athlete pointin his finger skyward, acknowledgin
his Deity fer usin his special influence to allow him to tie th 143rd
game of th season with his sacrifice fly, or perhaps a football player
who jus scored a TD allowin his team to pull within 18 points? Oh
thank you Heavenly Father! Gimme a fookin break, huh!
And ya know whose largely to blame fer all this garbage? USA Today,
thas who! I remember years ago when USA Today first came
on th scene. After jus perusin it a few times, and never again since,
I said, "What a piece of shit! This rag is geared to a 6th grade
mentality. It's like, "Generic News". Mark my words this
piece of crap will be gone within two years!"
This was one of those insights, yers truly, th Seer, th Visionary,
would jus as soon ferget! haha. Mea Culpa on that one! It seems I
kinda missed th boat there, huh! Cuz, whut happened? Well, like, evidently
I grossly overestimated th intelligence of th Amerikan public, becuz
today, most every fookin newspaper around has copied or otherwise
tried to emulate their successful formula,
"GIVE EM LOTS OF COLOR AND KEEP IT STUPIDLY SIMPLE!"
And now, these papers, are tryin so hard to reach young dumb peoples,
shamelessly panderin to em, with fluff and inconsequence. Their pathetic
attempts to be 'hip' are nothin if not laughable.
Like, fr'instance, in Tuesday's OPINION section in th Star,
PRO-CON: SHOULD ALBERTO GONZALES BE IMPEACHED?
We get this from th Seattle-Post Intelligencer editorial.
But before I get into whut they wrote; I jus wanna know whut th fuck
is an "Intelligencer" anyway? Is it a person, place or thing?
Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral? Is it bigger than a bread box?
I mean, reely jus whut th fuck is it? Like, have ya ever seen an intelligencer
before? OK, well, have ya ever seen a UFO before? If ya did happen
to see one on th way to work tomorrow, would'ja call 911?
Well, aw'right, never mind, back to my point. Th SP-Intelligencer
"YES" to th Gonzales question, like this.
"Big ups to Rep. Jay Inslee for asking the Judiciary Committee
to investigate grounds for impeaching Alberto Gonzales."
OK, boyz and gurlz, did'ja get that? "Big ups?" I mean,
I think I know whut they're tryin to say, but, "Big ups."?
Oh yeah, I get it, that must be some new-fangled slang th hipsters
in Seattle can relate to. That editorial wasn't meant fer an old mid-western
geezer such as myself.
Aw'right, on th "NO" side of th question we get this from
th Chicago Tribune.
"Do Democrats really think the larger public is up in arms because
Gonzales may have gotten lawyerly cute in answering their questions?
Yeah ya'll, "GET REAL!" OK, or mebbe they coulda said, "GET
OUT!", or possibly, "SHUT UP!" Yah, see, even tho I'm
jus a mid-western clodhooper, I know some jive-ass slang my own damn
bad self. Ya'dig!
I swear, sometimes I don't know why I still keep my subscription to
th paper. It pisses me off more often than not. I think it's prolly
some kinda old fashioned loyalty to th printed word. Some small effort
to stave off, or at least hold at bay it's eventual oblivion. One
day, in th not so distant future, yur kids will take their kids to
th museum and they will have "books" in a display case and
th kiddies will say, "Gee, did they reely use things like that
back in th olden days?"
P.S. Aw'right, before I sent this off I had to check my dictionary
on that "Intelligencer" thing, cuz it was buggin me. It
Archaic. 1. One who conveys news: an informant. 2. a secret agent,
informer or spy.
hmmm, I suppose if we chose to go along with definition #2 we could
conclude th Seattle newspaper is composed of secret agents and spies.
Like, I'm not paranoid or any thing....but I wonder if Homeland Security
is aware of this situation?
BAD Lucid Dream
August 8, 2007 1:09 PM
Last night I had a lucid dream, y'know, thas a dream
where ya know yur dreamin. I have those kinda dreams mebbe three times
a year and I always enjoy them, specially th "flying" kind,
y'know, where ya go soarin about, doin all manner of aerial acrobatics
and cool stuff like that, but this dream last night was a Class A
See, whut happened was; I was sittin in a bar and got into an argument
with this young dude, and suddenly, without warnin, he blind-sided
me right in th temple. I saw th bright flash of light, y'know, that
flash ya get when ya've been bashed reely hard in th head. Man, he
reely laid one on me! It hurt like hell. I felt like I'd been hit
with a hammer. He knocked me right off th stool onto th floor. When
I hit th floor, I was thinkin,
"Whut the hell is goin on here? This is MY dream! I'm dreamin,
and I know it, and this is not supposed to be happenin!"
And as I rolled onto my hands and knees tryin to get up, this guy
kicked me in th ribs,
I thought he broke em. Then he started rainin blows all over my head.
I felt like I was in a thunderstorm of pain. I thought to myself,
"Wow, this dude is kickin th livin shit outta me, while I'm tryin
to figure what th hell is goin on!"
Now see, in yer normal lucid dream, things would never have reached
this stage, but even if they did, I would have regained my senses,
taken control of th dream, and stomped the guy, but this was evidently
not yer normal lucid dream. Whut th fu....?
I decided then that I reelly didn't want any more part of this dude,
dream or no dream, so I took th chickenshit way out, and got th hell
outta Dodge by wakin myself up. Whew.
As soon as I opened my eyes I checked my head expectin to find lumps,
and welts and bruises and I checked my ribs, but everything was intact.
Wow, that was a relief. I decided to wait a while before I went back
to sleep, thinkin mebbe this dude was still lurkin, waitin fer me
there somewhere. So, I didn't go back to sleer fer along time.
But sheeit, now ese, in th bright light of day, I want some payback,
ya'dig! I'll tell ya whut , th next time I see this guy in one of
my dreams, I'm not takin any chances; I'm gonna make sure I get th
first “shot” in, cuz I'm gonna cap that fucker's ass before
he even knowswhat's happenin. Well, sheeit, thas whut he did to me,
right?! And evenif th Dream Po-lice should apprehend me, it's My dream
and I know I can beat th rap! I already got that Judge in my pocket.
At least I hope so.
But th thing that really bugs me about th whole affair tho, is that
it has shaken my confidence in my ability to control my lucid dreams.
Thas one of th cool things about some lucid dreams, is that if ya
don't like th way things are goin, why then, ya can change em to suit
yerself. Now, I dunno! Mebbe th next time crowds of peoples wantin
to commit mischief on my person, chasin me across roof tops right
to th very edge of th abyss; mebbe I'll think twice before I flip
em th finger and cavalierly leap off th building, laughin all the
time. Mebbe I'll be thinkin,
"Hmmm, mebbe I should'na done that, cuz if this is like that
one dream I had, instead of flutterin gently to th ground, I am goin
to break every single bone in my body,"
Man, I hate it when things happen that alter one's Worldview, know
whut I mean!
August 7, 2007 12:03 AM
My buddy "vegas judy" sent this to me and
while i had seen it before, it still got a chuckle outta me again.
some jokes are like that. try it on; see if it fits?
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence,
he said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"
Ha ha. see whut i mean?!
Thasa Hot Pepper
August 3, 2007 9:11 PM
My bud Mike G. sent me this additional info on Bhut
Jolokia peppers. I send it on to you jus fer yer own information.
Like the Habanero, Scotch Bonnet and Red Savinaâ, Naga Jolokia
belongs to the Capsicum chinense family. This landrace chile originated
in the Northeast of India, particularly Assam, Nagaland, Manipur and
For many years, there was uncertainty about this particular chile
pepper, some sources even listed cayenne-type peppers as Naga Jolokia
or put it into the C. frutescens species. Eventually, a field trial
with comprehensive analysis by the NMSU Chile Pepper Institute (CPI)
shed light on this cultivar.
(get that; th NMSU Chili Pepper Institute got involved, of course
you know who they are don'cha? c.h.)
Both Assamese growers and the Chile Pepper Institute found top heat
levels around one million Scoville Heat Units (SHU), and the Chile
Pepper Institute's findings for Bhut Jolokia were even awarded the
world record as the "hottest of all spices" by Guinness
World Records (September 2006).
Caution: The fruits of this chile variety are extremely hot. It is
advised to wear gloves when handling the peppers, keep them away from
children, and thoroughly clean all kitchen utensils like cutting boards,
knives etc. When grinding dreid Jolokias, wear a breathing mask, protect
your eyes. Don't touch any sensitive parts before cleaning your hands
thoroughly first. And use these peppers sparingly - it is always easier
to kick up the heat of a dish than toning it down.
In their home country of Northeastern India, Naga/Bih/Bhut Jolokia
chiles are used pickled (expect some very hot vinegar as a byproduct!)
and for firing up non-vegetarian dishes like fish curries. You can
use them like regular habaneros, just remember they're up to five
times as hot.
OK ya'll, so th next time ya got guests over and ya wanna serve em
somethin thas not bland and boring, these peppers will certainly add
a little zest to yer meal. And if yer guests wonder why they gotta
wear rubber gloves to eat, jus be coy and tell em it's fer Executive
Privelege reasons. That seems to be a good way of deflectin questions
ya don't wanna answer. Gut apetit.
Accuracy In Th News?
August 3, 2007 3:49 PM
I read an article in Thursday's paper about th hottest
chili pepper in th world. This dude goes waaay beyond scorcher level.
It's off th charts. Even among hot chili pepper eaters, this pepper
is said to be unbelievably... unimaginably...... agonisingly....HOT!!
It's from th state of Assam in India and it only grows in that region,
and it's called th Bhut Jolokia. Accompanying th story was a drawing
of it and a small chart comparing it to other hot chilis. As ya may
know, th "hotness" of chilis are measured in "scovilles".
This is a chemical unit of measurement based on th content of capsacin,
which is th ingredient in a pepper that provides th "heat".
OK, so, as th article noted, these are only APPROXIMATE FIGURES! OK?!
Tabasco sauce.........2,500-5,000 ho-hum
Red Savino Habanero.....580,000 Wow!
Bhut Jolokia...............1,001,304 Holy Shit
But see, whut has got me kinda confused here is; I couldn't help but
wonder about that "approximate" figure fer th Indian pepper?
Did'ja notice that? If that is th approximate number, jus what in
th fuck-all would constitute an accurate number?
Y'know boyz and gurlz, I hate gettin information, which then only
leads to more questions, knowwhutahmsayin. Aren't there any Ultimate
answers? Somthin ya can take to th bank without any provisos, caveats,
exceptions, qualifications, conditions or other fookin hinderances?
Troubled Bridge Over Water
August 3, 2007 4:53 AM
As I listened to th early reports of th bridge in
Minneapolis, I was struck by all th different theories as to what
might have caused this tragedy. I have my own idea, of course, but
I soon realised that I didn't have any company on that road.
Nope, I was a lonesome traveler thas fer sure. No one even so much
as hinted at anything like I was thinkin. I mentioned it to several
peoples in a bar last, and was basically met with scorn and derision.
I jus don't understand why so many of my speculations, suppositions,
observations, reflections, and so on and so forth, are jus disregarded
out-of hand without peoples even giving them any serious consideration.
Whus up with that!? My ideas got cooties or somthin?!
Well anyway here's whut I think;
I base this on my own personal experience. I have been aware of th
dangers these creatures pose to humans from a very early age. I was,
like for or five years old at th time and I had an illustrated book
of various nursery rhymes (maybe Hans Christian Anderson or Mother
Goose?) and so on, and I often perused it with great delight, EXCEPT
for one two page spread. That was th Troll page. Oh, it was scary!
There they were, under th bridge, with their wild, unkempt hair, hideous
faces, and their evil snarlin grins exposing their badly formed teeth,
and believe me, you could jus tell their intentions were less than
And there two young innocent children, a boy and a girl, holdin hands
and (th boy lookin much like me I thought) gaily skippin across th
bridge, laffin and gigglin, without a care in th world, blissfully
unaware of th Evil lurkin right beneath their feet.
Th first time I saw that page, I was sitting in my aunties lap, and
I asked her whut was goin down there, and she told me those ugly critters
were called Trolls and they lived in caves and under bridges and they
snatched up young children like myself, and put them in bags and took
them back under th bridge where they served em up in stews and made
box lunches fer their little Troll kids.
And except for one horrible, unfortunate accident I never looked at
that page again. I knew exactly whut page preceded th Page of Horror,
and so whenever I wanted to check out Chicken Little, Foxy Loxy, Hansel
and Gretle, or Goldilocks, or any of th other characters who lived
between th covers, I made sure to skip th Troll page. Except for one
time when I was running with th book in my hands and tripped and fell
and th fucking book fell outta my hands and landed open right on that
dreaded page. And there they were; those fucking Trolls!! Oh it was
jus horrible, I'm not jivin ya. I had to run into th house and hide
in th closet fer th longest time.
I did learn one valuable lesson from that experience tho, cus for
many years I never ran around with pencils or other sharp objects
in my hands, cus I knew that I actually could fall down and put my
eyes out! I had already learned th hard way bout careless running.
Well, anyways, they can surmise structural failure, terrorism, vibrations,
whatever, I got my own theory and I'm stickin to it!!
Fun In Th Kitchen On A Rainy Afternoon
August 1, 2007 9:18 PM
OK, kidz, th next time it rains and yer bored as
hell and ya can't go outside and play; have I got a nifty little trick
fer ya'll, boyz and gurlz! I discovered this a few years ago and it
will blow you away. And I mean that almost literally. I may have sent
this to ya before, cuz this is th kind of neat-o stuff ya jus gotta
share. It's too good to keep to yerself.
Y'know, where they tell ya not to try this at home; well, pshaw, cuz
thas exactly where I want ya to try it.
But make damn sure yer parents are no where around. As a matter of
fact; make sure NO responsible person is around, cuz it would take
all th fun out of it.
Fr'instance, if peoples describe yer older sister and say of her,
"She's mature for her age."
Don't do this when she's around Ya don't need th grief, take my word
for it. Heck, th best thing would be to do it at yer best friends
house anyway. Thas th ideal setting.Tell em yer sis is jus too lame.
OK...so here's whut ya do....take you some Worcestershire sauce (I
use Lea and Perrins, but suit yerself) and put about a half inch into
a cup, then take you a large skillet and put it on yer stove with
th flames on waaay high.... when th skillet is good and hot, like,
when it starts to glow red, put you some vegetable oil in it, and
in a very short time that will begin to smoke. When it gets hot enuff
to smoke, thas yer signal.
Take yer cup of Worcestershire sauce.... step back now....I mean it
kids, STEP BACK!! and then hurl it into th skillet....KABOOOOOM...
you will have a mini-explosion that will send flames bouncin off yer
ceiling. No jive, it makes a reely cool explosion with a spectacular
fireball. I do need to stress fer safety's sake tho, that unless ya
wanna spend th rest of th afternoon plus th next few weeks in the
burn-unit, make sure when ya make yer toss, yer as far away as possible.
See, I didn't know this th first time I tried it resultin in my right
eyebrow and eyelashes lookin much different then those on my left
side, givin me a kinda lopsided look. You don't want this. It's fortunate
for me that just a couple of weeks earlier I had a gurl come in and
clean my kitchen fer only a hundred bucks, cuz had my stove been in
th condition as it was then, I woulda been on th six o'clock news
that evening with some asshole shovin a mike in my face and sayin,
"So cap't, what were you thinking when you threw that Worcestershire
sauce in your burning oil causing the destruction of th entire apartment
"Yeah, well, y'see, I wuz jus tryin to make a tasty sauce to
fry my steak in, when things went horribly wrong, know whut I mean!"
It woulda been a disaster, I'm not smokin ya!!
Well anyway, boyz and gurlz, show this trick to yer friends th next
time yer are at their home visitin, makin sure of course that mommy
and daddy are gone and make sure ya know where th exits are, And then
watch th looks of sheer horror and terror on yer friends face when
this sheet of fire blasts out of the skillet. Do not spoil this moment
by givin em any clues before hand as what is about to transpire. Good
luck and let me know how it turns out.
It's so much fun discoverin new experiences, isn't it boyz and gurlz!!
Kitchen Trickster at Large,
P.S. OK, OK, here's another good one fer ya. Take a jar of th powered
cream stuff (Coffee Mate I think it's called) peoples add to their
coffee. Hold th jar as high as ya can in yer left hand, and gently
sprinkle it out downward in a fine mist, and with a cigarette lighter
in yer right hand, ignite it at th bottom.....KA-BLOOOM! Ya'll get
a column of fire 8-9 feet high. Remember, when ever ya can, always
do these things at yer friends crib, jus in case things get outta
control, cuz that way yu'll at least have a bed to sleep in. Mebbe
after th firemen leave, ur friends can even spend th nite at ur house,
since theirs will be nothin but smolderin rubble and ya can get yer
stories straight and play some more games while ya can, cuz they re
likely to be grounded fer awhile.
On Th Demise Of Tom Synder
August 1, 2007 7:42 PM
During his career Tom Synder was, and continued to
remain my favorite interviewer above all others. I loved th Tomorrow
show and I was sooo pissed when he was replaced by that guy Craig
He was a unique and one of a kind individual. I would love to watch
re-runs of his shows cuz no matter who his guest was, his interviews
were always first rate. Not only was he intelligent, but funny as
well. I especially liked th ones he did with Harlan Ellison, a regular
guest, who was a well known sci-fi novelist, a media critic, and wrote
a number of award winning stories for th th likes of th Twilight
Zone, Hitchcock and many others. They made great foils for each
other. They fed off each other like Cosell and Ali. Like so many of
his shows, besides bein informative, it was also highly entertaining.
In my book he was simply; th Best.
P.S. And Dan Akyroyd never failed to crack me up with his hilarious
impression of him on SNL. He had his voice and mannerisms
and everything about him down pat. Those were th best sketches.
RE: Th Carnivore Vs Th Vegetarial
August 1, 2007 5:53 PM
My good friend “Vegas Judy,” in a response
to my bovine buying advice, mentioned casually that she was leaning
in a Vegetarial direction. As a card carryin Carnivore, Defender Of
Animal Flesh, I answered her like this.
Ju-dee, ju-dee, ju-dee! tsk, tsk, as i try and explain to a couple
of good friends of mine, who i break bread with every now and then,
our forefathers, many years ago jumped down from th trees onto th
savannah, and after that first bite of bbq'd water buffalo said,
"Ok ya'll thas it. no more bananas and leaves and stuff like
thet fer me. gimme some more of that seared beef."
and so, based on their experiences and those of their offspring fer
th last couple million years, i'm stickin with th meat products and
leavin that other stuff to th chimps and ants and other critters like
that. And of course to you and other Vegetarials like my good friends
i mentioned earlier.
mmmmm jus a thought, but do ya think there's any connection at all
as to why th banana eating chimps are still hangin around in th trees,
whereas we go to th moon and have paris hilton? now, i'm not sayin
that eatin plants, well...... but still, jus wonderin.
One other thing, is it just my imagination, or are most Vegetarials
gurls? now, once again, don't get me wrong, i'm not sayin that gurls
and chimpanzees have an ancient bond which continues even to this
day, but..........well, i'm jus a bit curious bout that connection.
Oh heck, judy, i'm sure there's nothing to it. i'm it's prolly jus
a co-incidence. as they would say in new yawk, fuggheddaboutit.
OK, ya'll, now, don't get me wrong, OK. I'm not prejudiced, cus as
I pointed out, some of my best friends are Vegetarials, and if ya
met em on th street, ya wouldn't have any idea, cus they're a lot
like you and me, but jus stop and think; do ya think th hardy pioneers
who blazed th trails across this, TH GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY
OF THE WORLD, were snackin on granola, or somthing like that? Nah,
I don't think so. Heck, even th famous Donner party; when they ran
outta food didn't go out foragin fer plants and leaves now, did they!?
And even here in modern times, jus imagine whut kinda world we'd be
livin in today if Ray Croc, god forbid, had been a Vegetarial? Whut
a ghastly image that conjures, eh!
And, like, whut kinda movies would George Romero have made? Zombies
approachin a stand of banana trees in that halting, staggering gait,
arms held out in front, with those bulging eyeballs, driven by ungodly,
evil forces to consume bushels of bananas? Scuse me, but that would
be pretty lame, huh. Like, where's th Horror in that?
Well, there are mo plenty other examples I could add in a, "what
if", scenario, but I think ya get my drift, don'cha?!
Heck, jus in my own personal life, I shudder to think of how I woulda
survived stretches of my life, if th HOT DOG hadn't been there to
sustain and nourish me. I'm afraid handfuls of 'party mix' jus wouldn't
have done th trick.
OK, OK, so all I'm tryin to reiterate here is, go ahead, buy you a
damned COW! And if ya wanna a bit of salad to accompany it, whut th
heck, indulge yerself. How much could it hurt?
But, BUY TH COW! Like Tony Soprano sez, "wha ya gonna do???"
Yet Another Consumer Tip From Th Cap'm; Buy Yer Own COW!
July 31, 2007 11:42 PM
Must confess that this bit of information comes to
me by way of my good friend Ms. Dorothy. She wrote,
"Speaking of meat, I have a consumer tip for anyone with several
mouths to feed. Buy your own cow! We recently bought half a cow from
my cousin; some nice folks in Tonganoxie butchered it to our specifications,
and wrapped it up nice in white freezer paper with our name stamped
on each package.
I'm telling you, there's nothing better. It's soooo delicious! I have
to laugh whenever I walk by the meat case at the grocery store now.
This meat ended up costing me $2.34/lb. Not bad when you consider
that includes your KC Strips, Ribeyes, Sirloin, tenderized round steaks,
roasts, briskets, really good ground beef, etc. You'll wonder what
it is you've been eating from the grocery store all these years!"
Right on Ms D! Besides th incredible price of 2.34 @lb, th stamping
of one's name on th packages particularly appeals to my sense of vanity.
I would spend a lotta time starin into th freezer lookin at all those
parcels with my very own name on each one. Th Thrill, eh. Makes my
heart soar like a buzzard.
Another Consumer Tip From Th Cap't.
July 31, 2007 3:48 PM
OK, look here boyz and gurlz, if ya like potato salad
and baked beans, then I recommend ya stop by McGonigles at 79th Ward
Pkwy. These are superb! Numbah One GI! Th potato salad has a nice
eggish taste and th beans have a smoky flavor you'll find most appealin.
(take you an El Paso on the cold slaw tho)
Keep in mind that this advice comes with th usual Cap't Hoohah Guarantee,
namely that if yer are not entirely satisfied, send th Cap't a self
addressed stamped envelope, proof of purchase and 500 words or more
as to why ya didn't like th product and I will give ya Double yer
money back. Let me reiterate that I have no connection to McGonigles
whatsoever; I only do this out of a sense of Community Spirit.
Perhaps some of ya may recall a couple of years ago when I recommended
th Cape Cod potato chips with a similar Guarantee. I actually had
one Loon write me and say,
"Yo cap't, I did not find the Cape Cod Chip to my liking. Please
return Double my money back as per your statement. Sincerely, Joe
Ha ha Did this dude jus emerge from his cave, or whut?! I promptly
replied, per his self addressed stamped envelope with a short statement
of my own of two words.....The first word bein "Fuck". I
leave it to yer imagination to supply th second.
P.S. While yer there, ya might keep in mind th McGonigle motto: "Our
meat is hard to beat."
Amerikan Culture; Envy Of Th World
July 28, 2007 4:26 PM
Well it's really no mystery why every one else in
th world wants to be jus like us. I mean, jus look at this past year!
First, we had Anna Nicole, then Paris, and now we got "The Adventures
of Lindsey Lohan". Whooooie! Jus how much fuckin excitement can
can one absorb in a year?! And th beauty of it is; it's not even over
And all th rest of th world wants to be jus like us. We generate so
much Jealousy, that, like, some peoples jus wanna kill us fer it they
get so gosh darned mad about it. They don't got nothin like this in
Baghdad, thas fer sure. And thas why they wanna kill us. It's nothin
but "Jealousy Gone Wild". (this is sneak title preview of
new "reality show" concept I'm currently pitchin) Those
Muslimic peoples don't have stuff like this to distract them from
th fact that they got no drinkin water, electricity, or schools or
SUVs, or Big Macs y'know, stuff like that. Ergo, they feel left out
and neglected, so they take it out on th messenger.
I think if Th Great Leader would export some of these kinda things
like this that make this,
"The Greatest Country In The History Of Th World",
Well those folks might feel more kindly towards us. We could ferget
troop surges, etc, etc; bring our boys home, and send em Paris and
Lindsey and others of their skanky, spoiled-brat ilk instead. Let
them try and solve those kinda problems. Mebbe then, they would realise
that bein NUMBAH ONE isn't necessarily th Paradise they thought it
was. (and there ain't no 71 virgins here either) Mebbe then, they
would develop a bit of much needed Compassion and Humility.
Oh well, I know, I know, I'm wastin my time as usual, cuz, like, Th
Great Leader nor his string puller, Dickhead Cheney, don't listen
to my counsel anyway. I might as well be pissin in th wind fer all
Well, anyway, I'm so excited and curious as to what kinda counter
measures Paris is gonna take to win back her crown from this young
Lohan upstart. I think a bold move is in order. She's gotta take some
action soon. I mean, that Lohan chick jus turned 21 and Paris is already
26. Startin to get kinda creaky, know whut I mean. Mebbe a stolen
tape of her havin sex with th Winetonka Middle School football team
might get her back on top, so to speak. He he.
In any case, both of em need to keep a sharp eye out over their shoulders,
cus this little Dakota Fanning chick could be th next big thing to
totally fascinate us fer a few weeks. Jus consider her name by itself.
Dakota Fanning! Thas got built-in buzz factor already. A few well
publicized tantrums on th set, allegations of an affair with a couple
of female co-stars, an arrest fer ridin her bicycle while intoxicated,
a stint in Juvie; sheeit, who in th hell is Paris Hilton and Lindsey
Lohan? Huh, who that?
Th Gall, Th Audacity, Th Fuckin Arrogance!
July 27, 2007 3:20 PM
I read an article in th Business section of yesterday's
paper which left me sputterin in rage and frustration! Two high level
executives from Exon-Mobil and Shell Oil testified before a Congressional
Committee that it was fair to sell consumers "hot fuel"
even tho th energy value of a gallon of gas drops as th temperature
This issue gained attention thru a series of articles in th Kansas
City Star last year examining th implications of how fuel expands
and contracts dependin on th temp.
Quoting th VP of Shell Oil,
"Shell does not believe that th American consumers are harmed
in any way by not having temperature adjustment at retail dispensers."
He sez this in spite of th fact that fuel IS adjusted for temperature
at th wholesale level and at all other points in th energy supply
chain. Jus not fer th fuckin peon palooka consumer. That GOUGE is
saved fer them. Them bein us!! Like, you and Me!
Check this, it has been estimated that th sale of gasoline hotter
than th industry standard of 60 degrees costs US consumers 2.3 billion
dollars a year. Does this help explain how these bloodsuckin bastards
are makin record profits boyz and gurlz? Consumer groups have said
that can average out to 3 to 9 cents a gallon, and in th summer it
can be as much as 30 cents a gallon.
But th oil execs said that if fuel volumes were adjusted at th pumps
fer temperature, CUSTOMERS WOULD JUST BE CHARGED MORE TO MAKE UP TH
Ha ha Th fuckers!! Ya can't beat em and they are fully aware of that
too. See, they're not about to give up that gravy train loophole jus
cuz we found out about it. They're sayin to us,
"Go ahead you silly gooses, adjust th volume at th tank. Ha ha.
Big fuckin deal!
We'll jus jack up th price! Then, whadda'ya gonna do, start takin
th bus?! We don't think so! Hey, looky here, we are th Oil Industry!
Ya dig! Ya need us!! Jus like th Pharmaceutical Companies, ya can't
live without us. You mooks are our captive audience; that means we
can do anything we damn well please, charge ya anything we want, thumb
our noses at ya if ya don't like it. And if ya don't like it, sheeit,
why don'cha write yer congressman? hehe Yeah go ahead, see how much
good that does ya, cuz that dude's been in our pocket since forever!!"
Well, th good news is; accordin to th article, plans are bein made
to study this problem further, maybe even by th end of th year.
"This committee will continue to delve into this matter. This
issue is important."
Thus saith Dennis Kucinich, chairman of th committee. Whew! I feel
better. Pesky problem solved. GODDAM, their flunkys are goin to look
into it further.
Damn, but it pisses me off!
P.S. Ya know those two oil dudes had to be pissed at havin to go thru
that whole charade, when they had to postpone their morning tee off
time, jus to take part in th dog and pony show. But, sheeit, it's
all part of th farce, and they don't get paid untold millions of bucks
a year jus fer whistlin Dixie ya know.
One Person's Response To My Efforts To Aid My Fellow Humans
July 23, 2007 4:41 PM
Mi amigo, who goes by th nom de guerre, Stag Fury,
wrote me about some of th consumer tips I put out from time to time.
He used th word "weird" to describe my hints, and also to
characterise my own damn bad self. I thought this was a poor choice
of a descriptive word to portray my efforts. One can only muster a
certain magnanimous compassion for another with such tunnelled vision;
for one who is not able to see th Big Picture as it were. One can
only shake their head, and tsk, tsk th offender.
Y'know boyz and gurlz, I don't do this fer th Almighty Greenback Dollar,
y'dig. There is no recompense fer me, other than a sense of Mission
Accomplished, followed by th occassional standing ovation. After all,
we all have a "mission" in life, eh, and Fate decreed this
one fer me, and I accepted it without qualm.
And so, when speakin o' my consumer tips, let's all keep in mind,
bein Guru/Seer/Visionary, involves a lot more than explainin,
"Th meaning of Life and Everything!!"
T o th un-Enlightened clodhoppers who comprise th Amerikan masses.
Sure, thas all nice to know and everythin; and while it satisfies
certain inherent questions all Homo Sapiens have, and I'm not namin
names here, cus all ya homos know who ya are, (aliens need no respond)
but still, they also need everyday practical stuff to get em thru
th long, arduous days.
Thas where th kind of practical advice I give out from time to time
can be of great assistance in helping em "cope" with th
world around em. A world which bombards em daily with complicated,
multi-faceted issues, like, jus fr'instance; take th dithpicable treatment
of our Royalty, y'know, th horrors our own Princess Paris recently
Or th abominable treatment of Th Great Leader, who is only tryin to
bring Peace, Harmony, Democracy and Big Whoppers to th less fortunates
of th world. He is th embodiment of th loving, but stern Father, who
must impose a certain amount of Death and Destruction oh his wayward
chirrun, fer their own good, y'unnerstan, in order to do what is Right
fer em, yet he endures scurrilous attacks daily fer his efforts. But
he does not shirk his Duty. He stands stalwart. He "stays th
course" no matter what. So, I feel his anguish as I empathise
with im, cus, like myself, I must bear a similar burden in my own
efforts. Sometimes it's thankless task, yet we push on!
So, ya see, I am Every Mans Seer! Well, perhaps in this more politically
correct environment, I should say "Every Person's". I am
th General. All-around, All-purpose Visionary!
From meta-physics, to feta cheese! And everything in between!!
yer humble and willin servant,
Safety In Th Bathroom
July 22, 2007 4:36 PM
(In his quest to do his part to help keep Amerika
safe, th cap'm offers up this bit of Wisdom. There is a lesson to
be gleaned here)
I have a hand held mirror in th bathroom which was about 14"
x 14". I say "was" cuz thas what it was before I dropped
it and broke it initiatin my next seven-year period of bad luck. Sheeit,
jus when I was gettin out from under th curse from th last mirror
I broke; now this. No matter how hard I try, Dame MisFortuna jus keeps
pullin me back in.
Now, this mirror is not in a frame or anything, it's jus a thin glass
mirror, and when it hit th floor, th bottom edge broke off leavin
a very jagged edge with one reely sharp point.
Altho I'm not a vain person, I use this mirror to check th brim on
th backs of my hats to make sure they are not deformed and present
a smooth even angle. I always have th brims turned down uniformly
all th way around th hat. I don't like th rear brim turned up like
so many rookie hat wearers do. So, I don't like it when one part might
be a little lower than th other. It looks awkward. I like symmetry.
To my way of thinking, that looks un-Cool!
By th same token, tho I wear it low to th brow, I never wear my hat
at what is often referred to as a "jaunty" angle. Th kind
of 'look' ya might see in a '40s noir detective film. That is not
for me, regardless of whether it is one of my white Panamas or my
black, felt Fedoras. I check with my small level, always makin sure
th bubble remains between th lines. Some peoples don't pay attention
to th details, but I do. I don't apologise, thas jus th way I go.
OK, so, anyway, like, knowin that I dropped this mirror once before,
I know it could happen again, right?! So, what I've done, and what
I suggest ya do, if ya should be operatin with a defective lookin
glass too, is; I taped a small handwritten message in that pointy,
jagged part on th bottom of th mirror that sez,
CAUTION. JAGGED EDGES MAY OCCUR IF THIS PRODUCT IS BROKEN. DO NOT
DROP ON UNPROTECTED FEET AS THIS MAY CAUSE LOSS OF APPENDAGES!!
That way y'see, I'm reminded of th dangers involved each time I utilize
it. I find myself focusin on maintainin a good solid grip at all times,
becuz right there in front of me is that warning. And so far, I haven't
lost any appendages due to careless and inattentive handling.
And ya never can tell, it might also protect me from a law suit, if
one of my guests, checkin out their angles, should happen to lose
a big toe cus they lost concentration fer a sec.
Y'know, now that I get to ponderin it some more, I prolly oughta say
somthin bout not usin it when takin medications or boozin and dopin
it up. Mebbe a warning against unsupervised chirrun havin access,
mebbe a note about pets, or elderly peoples whose grey matter have
prematurely gone on vacation.
Hmmm, y'know whut, th more I think about it, th more I'm thinkin I'm
gonna have to give this whole operation a bit more thought. I'm thinking
mebbe I didn't think this thing thru propperly.