Subject: Newest Headline Story Off My Home Page
Date: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 1:07 AM

I'm gonna have to start payin more attention I guess to th headlines cuz I never realized before how interestin and informative they could be. Like, fr'instance, th latest,

"New Iraq Plan Focuses On Bad Actors"

OK, OK, geeze! Whut in th hail is Georgie doin now? I mean, I know th Administration is gettin desperate fer some kinda solution to this annoyin situation, but, sheeit, are they goin after mediocre dinner theatre playhouse actors now? Are they th new scapegoats fer everything thas gone wrong? Or mebbe bad Iraqi sit-com actors? Or whut? Jus who are these so-called 'bad actors' any way, and who decides whether they're reely bad, or mebbe jus havin a bad nite?

Who are these anonymous critics and whut are their credentials?

And sheeit, besides all that, how in th fuck is that gonna help us bring Democracy to th Freedom and Peace Loving Peoples of that country any fuckin way?

I mean, like, so whut If we purge th whole damned country of all these inferior thespians? How's that gonna get em any electricity? Is that gonna be our rallyin cry to th Shiites and th Sunnis, hopin to bind em together in a common cause, in spite of their rabid loathing of each other? Instead of

"Death To The Infidel Invaders.",

now it'll be?

"No More Bad Actors! No More Bad Actors!"

Myself, I'd try another approach.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Sales Racket
Date: Tuesday, May 22, 2007 7:31 PM

I was jus lyin here and recollected an incident that happened back in ‘68-‘69 mebbe. I was sellin business machines and supplies fer 3M at th time. Our boss had had a speaker come into our office to try and sign us up fer a three-day motivational sales course put on by th Dale Carnegie peoples. Zig Ziglar, a well know motivational speaker at th time was also goin to give a presentation.

Woohoo, that was a big deal, to hear th great Zig Ziglar, th legendary salesmen's salesman in person.

El jefe was willin to cover half th lug fer th course to any of us who wanted to take advantage of th deal. He told us we should all jump on an opportunity like that. And it was more than jus implied that all of us could use some assistance with our sales figures. Ha ha

Th guy pitchin th deal was a young dude about my age (27-28) and all th salesmen were assembled in th sales room. He put on a pretty good and convincin presentation. He told us how years before he had himself taken th course and had seen th results fer hisself in improved sales numbers. He was so impressed that he decided to sell th course itself. After he finished with his pitch, he told us all to take a minute and mull it over. I thought it sounded like a pretty good deal myself.

Years earlier when I was a teenager and sellin encyclopedias door to door thru out Georgia and N. Florida I used to read all th self-help kinda paperbacks at th time, like, "Think, and Grow Rich" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and other such fare. So, I figured this kinda course jus might help me out.

He was sittin in a chair at th front of th room rappin with one of th guyz and I was gettin ready to tell him to sign me up, and he crossed his leg and I couldn't help but notice he had a hole in th sole of his shoe. I thought to myself.

"Hey, wait a minute here Duke. Whoa! What kinda shit is this? If this dude has taken this terrific sales course hisself, and if it's soo fookin good, then why in th fuck-all can't he buy hisself a new pair of shoes?"

And so, I turned around and went back to my chair and sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. Whew. Jus in th nick of time. That was close. I told a couple of th guys about why I had changed my mind. While I was tellin em, I started to chuckle. One of th guys asked me what I was laughin about and I told him I was thinkin about all th stuff I was gonna do with th 375 bucks I had jus saved myself. We all had a chortle outta that.

While I was chucklin, I was also thinkin bout my other sales job; sellin dope. See in that sales game, ya don't need any special sales techniques, ya know whut I mean. Like, all ya gotta do is say,

"Here's what I got! This is how much it costs. How much do ya want?"

And buyers would beat a path to yer door. Ha ha No charisma necessary! Th only flaw with that scheme was tho: that th Feds beat a path to my door too. Completely uninvited and un-welcome, y'unnerstan. I said, "Ooops" and they took me away fer some Rehabilitation. And so, after I was rehabilitated, I never got back in th sales game ever again. My heart jus wasn't in it any more, ya dig!

th cap'm

Subject: This is a bit weird.
Date: Tuesday, May 22, 2007 5:39 PM

I jus read a headline on my home page, which said,

"FDA OK's pill to end periods"

Thas cool, but what about comma's and apostrophe's and other stuff like
that?

This is jus another example of typical fuckin government bureaucracy crap. They always go off and do everything half-assed, and never finish th whole job! I didn't even bother to waste my time to read what ever hair-brained scheme they had come up with. Don't matter, cuz I'm keeping my periods any way.

Here US Government; take these and stick em up yer ass!!!
..................... and these
too''''''''''''''';;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::!!!!!!!!!""""""""""

th cap'm

Subject: georgecarlin.com
Date: Monday, May 21, 2007 7:25 PM

This is George Carlin's website. Go there to see what he has to say about all the crap attributed to him on the net.

th cap'm

Subject: Golfing Nun Joke
Date: Monday, May 21, 2007 5:17 AM

OK, ya'll, this is for all you golfers and friends of golfers and appreciators of a good joke. I don't often pass jokes along but I found this one jus too funny not to.

**************

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate that was! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" said Mother Superior, with sympathy.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said,

"YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT, DIDN'T YOU!"

**********
Now, thas gotta elicit a chuckle, doesn't it?

th cap'm

Subject: George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
Date: Monday, May 21, 2007 4:39 AM

Have you received this yet? This is allegedly from George Carlin. Yeah, right!!!

*****************

"Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends.

I just did."

George Carlin

*******************

Every couple of months I get somethin similar to this, about some issue or another and they claim to be from George Carlin. Every time my reaction has been th same,

BULLSHIT!!

This crap didn't come from George Carlin. Bein somewhat familiar with Carlin and his brand of humor and his positions on things, I know he didn't write this crap attributed to him. I've often wondered jus what he thought about it all, cuz he surely has to be aware? I know it must drive him crazy bein portrayed as a typical right wing neo-con whacko, cuz you know George Carlin never, ever fit that description. Jus th opposite in fact.

Well, my friend Judy answered that question fer me. She sent this to me from his website.

********************

DON'T BLAME ME

Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine.

Don't blame me.

Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.

And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.

"PARADOX OF OUR TIME"

One of the more embarrassing items making the internet/e-mail rounds is a sappy load of shit called "The Paradox of Our Time." The main problem I have with it is that as true as some of the expressed sentiments may be, who really gives a shit?

Certainly not me.

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.

(See the preface of "Braindroppings.")

Another problem I have with "Paradox" is that the ideas are all expressed in a sort of pseudo-spiritual, New-Age-y, "Gee-whiz-can't-we-do-better-than-this" tone of voice. It's not only bad prose and poetry, it's weak philosophy. I hope I never sound like that.

HOW TO SPOT A FAKE

Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website.

If you see something with my name on it, and you really need to find out if it's mine, post a question on my bulletin board . But only if it's really important to you; don't fuck around with me for a lark.

George Carlin

********************
Now, THAT sounds more like th George Carlin I know!

th cap'm

Subject: When Billionaires Get Bored.
Date: Thursday, May 17, 2007 7:45 PM

Ya know, a lotta peoples prolly think,

"Gee, if I was a billionaire, I would never get bored."

But thas not true! They get bored too y'know. Take Mike Bloomberg. He got bored and so got hisself elected Mayor of New Yawk City. But now, I guess he's gettin bored again, cuz I read in yesterday's paper where he's thinkin of startin a third party, al la Ross Perot, and usin a BILLION dollars of his own money to do it.

And keep in mind, this is th USA where, altho we don't have a Monarchy per se, th Almighty Dollar IS KING! If ya got enuff jack, ya can buy any godam thing yer little heart desires. In this case, Mike thinks bein th Prez might be a cool hobby.

See, he's lookin fer a hobby cuz Mike is bored. He doesn't wanna start a baseball card collection, cuz, sheeit, he could buy every fuckin card thas ever been printed, so....whas he supposed to do? I mean, th possibilities are endless, but hey, I gotta idea........why don't he jus buy th Presidency?!! That would be a cool hobby. Evidently, Mike thought of that also.

As ya may or may not know, one of th big myths of our Democracy, is that any person can grow up to be President! haha. Yeah, I know, I know, there are a couple of caveats there tho, like, fr'instance, th goin price to buy th Presidency these days is about a 100 million bucks I believe, so yer gonna need some trainloads of cash to help ya achieve yer dream. But still...Mike is considerin throwin a billion bucks at it. Ya think thas enuff?

Sheeit, Hell yeah! With a billion dollars, ya could get PeeWee Herman elected!! Or hell, fer that matter, Bozo th Clown. And actually that Bozo gig wouldn't be so hard to do since we've already had a clown in office fer th past six years. Th Amerikan peoples are used to that. But I think Bozo could bring a certain elan to th Office that Georgie Porgie was lackin. Like, he could deliver his State of the Union message while ridin a unicycle and jugglin three lemons at th same time. Our present President is barely able to put three words together. Think of how entertained he coulda kept th Queen Mother pullin silk scarves outta his sleeves all nite, and yankin farthings outta her ears.

OK, all pessimism aside, I'm thinkin there might be one silver lining in this cloud tho, cuz as ya all know, all clouds are required to have at least one silver lining:

President Bloomberg wouldn't be beholdin to any special interests groups tho, would he? He wouldn't have to be goin out on th rubber chicken trail shakin hands with a buncha yahoos from th Moose Lodge in Hays, Kansas, and kissin stranger's babies like he gives a shit!! And hell, he could make Bozo his Veep.

th cap'm

Subject: The Mystery Deepens
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2007 10:47 AM

Regarding th cars parked backwards in th synagogue parking lot on Sunday I wrote about earlier, my friend Stu, who is a Jew responded thusly,

"Hmmm... I can't shed any light on this for you, but I would think the more vexing question would be, "Why was the parking lot of syanagogue full on a SUNDAY?"

Excellent question and a good point which I missed entirely. Cus, after all, th day of worship fer Jewish peoples is th Sabbath, Saturday! So now, th new question is; who were all these peoples usin their parking lot and parking backwards?

th cap'm

Subject: A Puzzling Situation
Date: Monday, May 14, 2007 9:01 PM

Sunday, as I was drivin out to visit my mom, I was goin by 95th and Wornall and I happened to notice in th parking lot of the synagogue there, that all of th cars in their lot had been backed into place? There was not one single car there that had been pulled in with th front of th car facing th curb? Not one!!

Why do you think th entire congregation there did that? I have never seen a parking lot in my life, with that particular kind of distinction! Do you suppose th congregation was urged to do that by th Rabbi there to show unity about some issue or another? And if so, how can we know just exactly what it is they were demonstratin solidarity about?

And if thas not th case, then why were hundreds of cars parked like that? I have had, and still do, many Jewish friends over th years, and I have ridden with them in cars and trucks and vans, and many other kinds of vehicles, and I have never had one of them back into a parking spot, explainin that it was a little known tenet of their religion that they must always back into a parking spot, rather than just simply pull forward into one! I mean, I know about th admonition about th swine and all, but not this one.

So, I was confused to see this yesterday, and today, I'm still wondering,

"WHY?" Whut's it all about Alfie? Can anyone shed any light on this mysterious dilemma fer me, or must I forever wander th earth, with this riddle rattlin about my brain unsolved?

th cap't

Subject: More On The NRA, and some of the Conspiracies surrounding it.
Date: Friday, May 11, 2007 2:18 PM

I have been thinkin some more about th NRA's position that mentally deranged peoples have th same rights to own firearms as everybody else. And then I was thinkin, "What kinda twisted mind would think such a ridiculous notion?"

And then it occurred to me! Cuz, they themselves are fucking crazy, thas why!! They understand that if crazy peoples weren't allowed to own guns, th NRA would cease to exist, cuz 95% of their members are all whack-jobs.

Now of course, everybody who wants to own a gun isn't crazy. I mean, there are a lotta peoples out there who believe in their right to own a gun, and tat doesn't make em a nutcase.

But th thing is; ya can be in favor of gun rights without joinin th NRA!! That organization is fer th nutball fringe faction among ya'll. In th same fashion, ya can be in favor of preservin th environment with out joinin th "Earth Firsters", or ya can be opposed to animal cruelty wIthout joinin PETA. A person doesn't have to join a fuckin radical, berserker organization in order to espouse a certain kind of agenda.

OK, so now, for those of ya who are conspiracy buffs, think about this. Take the acronym, NRA itself. Take th N and place it at th rear, aw'right. Now ya got RAN. Right? Ok, now add an I to th front, and whadda ya got? Thas right!
IRAN

Is there a connection ya think, between th NRA and Iran? Is there a conspiracy of some kind between these two entities? Is NRA a secret code name fer IRAN? Mebbe not. It does sound a bit silly, doesn't it? Is this example analogous to th NRA's position on anything? Hmmmm, nah, I guess not. Th only thing this bit of nonsense actually has in common with th NRA's policies, is that it's completely stupid and makes no sense whatsoever, and so, in that sense it is exactly like th NRA.

Well, OK, if yer scratchin yer head tryin to make any sense outta any of this, well, sheeit, lemme remind ya, no where in my job description, does it say any where about how I godda make sense about any godam thing.

th cap'm

P.S. But is that NRA and IRAN thing reely jus only a co-incidence? And furthermore, check this out; what about "IRAN" and "RAIN"? Huh? Try and explain that one away as mere coincidence?

Subject: Don't Say This Word!
Date: Wednesday, May 9, 2007 7:50 PM

Th word is, "irregardless". This is, like, totally incorrect! OK. And yet one hears it all the time. And, altho misuse of this word has become so common; it still always surprises me when I hear otherwise intelligent peoples say it.

Twice in th last week I have heard news anchors use this word, (one of whom was Katie Couric; well no surprise there) not that they're inherently intelligent or anythin, cuz most of th time they're jus readin th words off th teleprompter any way, but they do have peoples there on th staff whose job it is to see that they speak in a correct fashion.

My senior year high school Engish teacher, Mrs. Hirsch, first hipped me to this back in 1959', and ever since then, I've tried to enlighten those about me, who were unaware of th gaffe they were committin when they said it. I usually carry a sharp stick with me and when I hear this word uttered, besides a verbal rebuke, I also give th offender a sharp jab in th eye, to reinforce th lesson. It's pretty effective. And it also gives that person a rather distinctive mien thereafter.

Th effect of this procedure actually extends beyond that individual, cuz fer th rest of their life, when others ask em what happened to their eye, in recounting th circumstances of their loss, once again th lesson is repeated, and hopefully, reinforced.

Now, if ya like, ya can easily check th veracity of this out by goin to yer dictionary and lookin up th word, but lemme jus tell ya right now, yer wastin yer time, cuz yer not gonna find it! There are numerous other words that start out with that prefix, "irr" like, “irrelevant” or “irrespective” (which is very similar in meaning to irregardless) or “irregular.” We all know thas a person who is not “regular,” and there are over th counter drugs fer that.

Then there's that word, “irresponsible.” Sheeit, now there's a word that has been bandied about in my direction fer my entire life. And one of these days I'm gonna look it up and see jus what th fuck they were sayin to me.

Well anyway, I mention this to ya'll, so like, at yer next book club meeting, or mebbe when yer expoundin yer views on foreign policy at th saloon sometime, ya won't say this, thereby exposin ya to allegations of bein a "clodhopper", and havin peoples ask ya in between snickers and guffaws, if ya injured yerself fallin off th turnip truck, leavin ya puzzlled as to jus whut th hail thas supposed to mean.

I also mention this jus out of a personal mission I've been on to help peoples speak th English properly. As ya'll know I'm sure, I always make th effort to spel words right, to be GC (grammarianly correct) as much as possible. Oh sure, occassionally, I may commit a grammatical faux pas my own self, but sheeit, thas OK, cuz thas different, ya dig! So back off with th sharp sticks fuckers!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Paris Hilton's Impending Jail Sentence
Date: Wednesday, May 9, 2007 6:32 PM

Is Paris goin to th slammer?

NADA FUCKIN CHANCE! NO WAY, NO HOW!

Ain't never gonna happen! Paris won't be goin to jail for no 45 days! Paris won't be going to jail period!!

And ya know why? Cus she's Paris Hilton, thas why! Th Fuckin Bitch!

Jail is for peoples like you and me, commoners, or as Leona Helmsley called us, "the little people", but not fer persons of her stature.

th cap'm

Subject: In Saturday's Paper
Date: Monday, May 7, 2007 4:20 PM

NRA CRITICIZES TERROR GUN BILL

The National Rifle Association is urging the Bush Administration to withdraw it's support of a bill that would prohibit suspected terrorists from buying firearms. NRA executive director Chris Cox said th bill, "would allow arbitrary denial of 2nd Amendment rights based on mere "suspicions" of a terrorist threat.

********************

By th way, on 60 Minutes recently, a spokesperson fer th NRA said they are also opposed to denying peoples with mental problems th right to own guns too, sayin that jus becuz a person is stone fuckin crazy, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to own an assault rifle jus like everybody else. They say th Second Amendment guarantees him that right.

They contend that jus cuz a person is institutionalized and hears voices, needs th drool wiped off his chin regularly and is completely nutso, doesn't mean when he is released, he shouldn't be able to go and buy an assault rifle too. After all, th Second Amendment doesn't make any prohibitions against insane peoples. Th NRA's stance is that it is better to allow scores and scores of thousands of mentally deranged peoples and thousands of suspected terrorists to own guns cuz they haven't killed anybody yet.

Of course if ya've been convicted of th heinous crime of sale of marijuana, well naturally ya can't own a gun. But tell me, using their logic, where in th Second Amendment does it specifically say that? Huh? Where? Where does it say there that a convicted car thief "shall NOT have the Right to bear arms?" Well, not only does it not say that any where, but in fact, it is a crime in itself fer them to own one.

So why are suspected terrorists and legally mentally deranged peoples given a pass? Cus those intransigent NRA fuckers will not give a single inch in th direction of Common Sense and public safety, under any circumstances, cuz they think in their distorted minds, that it might weaken their position th tiniest bit.

ARE THESE PEOPLES UTTERLY INSANE THEMSELVES, OR WHUT?

th cap'm

Subject: Rolling Stone magazine
Date: Monday, May 7, 2007 3:02 PM

I recently saw an interview by Tim Russert with Jann Wenner, editor of Rolling Stone about th magazine's 40th Anniversary issue.

Now, normally, I read magazines at th library where they're free, but this was such an intriguing and interesting story, I decided to buy one of my very own, so I could leisurely peruse it here on th comfort of my sofa.

Damn, peoples!!! What th fuck is goin on?

When did magazines start costin 7 bucks?

No wonder I read em fer free at th library! Ya won't catch me buyin any more magazines at 7 bucks a pop, Rolling Stone, or no!!

th cap'm

Subject: Republican Presidential Debate
Date: Monday, May 7, 2007 5:04 AM

OK, I didn't watch th debate. Like, why in th fuck would I wanna waste my time watchin a debate by peoples involved in an election which is still a year and a half away? Sheeit, I'd just as soon watch Jerry Springer instead, y'know whut I mean?

I mean, at least there, ya could see somethin with som measure of redeemin qualities, like, a couple of huge, toothless, rotund women, fr'instance, tearin each other's blouses off. I'll bet that debate audience never once showed th same level of enthusiasm Jerry's audience displays.

I'm tellin ya; it's absurd. Jus as an example of how ridiculous this crap has gotten; I read in Saturday's paper where th Associated Press asked various candidates to name their favorite reality TV show. I'm not jivin ya! Fr'chrissake, is this th kinda question we ask now of those who would seek th highest office in th land?

Th AP wants to know their favorite TV show? Gimme a break, pleeeze! Does it make any fuckin difference in th world what kinda TV shows they watch? Will they be askin em next whut kinda tree they'd prefer to be too? Is this as fuckin wacky to you as it seems to me?

But, ya know whut, there prolly are peoples out there who DO decide who they're gonna vote for, for reasons as unfathomable as this. Otherwise, explain how any body woulda voted fer George Bush again fer a second term? And never mind John Kerry. Ab-sol-lutely NO ONE coulda been worse than Bush's second term has been! And it's not even over yet. Sheeit. Dick Nixon woulda been better!!!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, in case ya were interested, both Mitt Romney and Hillary Dillary Clinton liked Amerikan Idol best. Keep that in mind when ya go to th polls in a couple years. And whut kinda fuckin name is Mitt anyway? Ya ever known any one in yer life named Mitt? Is that dude an Amerikan, or is he som kinda Mormon immigrant? Whas goin on here?

Subject: An Original Joke
Date: Sunday, May 6, 2007 3:37 PM

OK, ya'll I just made up a joke.

Q: What did th Irish pirate say?!

A: Erin go Arrrrgh!

Ha ha Is that a knee slapper or whut?!

th cap'm

Subject: On the Use of Cocaine
Date: Thursday, May 3, 2007 1:42 PM

THIS past monday nite i was fortunate to rap (to make conversation)with a buddy of mine who was extremely wired at th time funny thing about coke it makes one's self esteem skyrocket* and th desire to share yer brilliance with others around ya who are not so enlightened is jus overwhelming it majikically transforms one into a witty intelligent and very interestin person almost immediately and simultaneously also triggers this desire to share that brilliance with th uninformed and unbriliant non-stop without pause even if those about them are twiddling their thumbs pickin their nose scratchin their privates or passed out those little minor details are of no consequence cuz th important thing is one is releasin th brilliance of one's mind thas all that counts I don't know why but it becomes vitally important that ya let others know of th myriad interestin and widely varied thoughts flashin thru yer mind constantly and there is a pressin need to share these wonderful insights and ideas with those around ya so under no circumstances allow another to interrupt ya cuz after all what could they possibly have to say of any importance haha ya know whut i mean and if they should attempt to do so from time to time simply keep rappin jus as fast as ya can and like get those thoughts from yer mind to yer tongue and pay them no mind and if ya should like get a few of those thoughts mixed up no big deal thas jus part of th process it's kinda like takin 4 lanes of traffic and narrowin it down to jus one lane like yer gonna get a bottleneck sometimes ya dig and then like sometimes ya might even notice that yer sayin th same things over and over again but thas ok too yer simply tryin to make a point cuz oft times those yer rappin with well y'know it's not that they're dumb or any thing but like maybe jus not as quick as you are ya know whut i mean i only tell ya these things so next time yer gettin down with yur neighbors and they ask ya if ya want a 'bump' you'll know how to conduct yerself jus remember this and this is very important others are keenly interested to hear everything ya gotta say so say as much as ya can as fast as ya can and don't let some bore interrupt ya like with some lame ass story bout what their kid said yesterday c'mon dude whose got time fer that kinda mundane banal tripe as opposed to th quality kinda stuff yer layin on em ok looky here i'm only tryin to share with ya a few of th thoughts flittin thru my mind at th moment aw'right and blah blah, blah yada yada yada and so on and so forth and like i was sayin....

th cap'm

*scuse me fer that breach of faith cuz i had vowed previously not to ever use that overused cliche. "skyrocket" again y'know, cus these days everybody sez that nothin merely increases any more everything skyrockets well with th exception of troop increases they jus surgeth

cap*m

Subject: Cinco de Mayo. Si, Si.
Date: Thursday, May 3, 2007 11:55 AM

OK ya'll, get yer asses ready to celebrate. It's Cinco de Mayo Day on Saturday, like I had to remind you party animals that, right!? Ha ha

Now, don't be lettin nobody tell ya it's Mexican Independence Day, aw'right, cuz it's not. It's jus th celebration of a Mexican victory over a French Army at th Battle of Puebla in 1862. Ya remember th date don'cha? May 5th, 1862.

See, th thing is, my peoples, well on my mother's side of th family that is, came here to what was then called Nueva España in 1723. Her maiden name was Flores de Abrego and she was one of 16 kids, 8 muchachos y 8 muchachas. Her ancestors were given land grants and settled along th banks of th San Antonio river in Texas.

There weren't any gringos here then either. There was no bullshit about punching 1 fer Engles, cuz there weren't any of those white devils here then. This was Our land, given to my peoples by King Philip of Spain to colonise for God, the King and Spain.

And so we rightfully confiscated it, by Authority of th King, from th ignerent savages and barbarians who had been living here in obscurity fer ten thousand years, before we 'discovered' em and brought em up to speed, and put em on th map.

And fer those who were willin to see th Light and convert to Catholicism, we allowed to live and gave em good jobs in th silver and gold mines, fields and farms, etc. allowin em to sleep 4-5 hours a day and fed and clothed em too. And all we asked in return was an honest days work. But a lotta these indigenous beings were jus too lazy or somthin, and so we had to cull them out, so to speak. Today, there are still some survivors.

Everythin was goin smooth until one day a Gringo showed up. No big deal. We were a tolerant peoples. We let it go. Then another one came! And another. And another. And before ya could say, "Que pase?", they were coming by th wagon loads, all bringing their notions of Rights and Freedoms and Democracy with em.

Well, ya can ask one of our Native Amerikan bruthas what happened happened next!

Then, cuz God willed it, of course, they were forced to declare war on our asses, and so in th process took Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, California, Nevada and who all knows what else from us. Th fuckin Gringos I'm talkin about!

So today, they throw this little bone at us, May 5th, and let us shoot off some fireworks, drink some tequila and shout "Salud" and then, it's back to th strawberry patch, th kitchen, th ditch, th lawn mower, th leaf blower, etc. on Monday.

OK, ya'll, so gracias massah.

Happy Cinco De Mayo and "SALUD!"

th cap'm

Subject: RE: NO GAS...On May 15th 2007
Date: Wednesday, May 2, 2007 5:26 AM

OK ya'll in th past 3 days I have received this bit of nonsense from seven peoples. So, if you should get it too, pleeeze don't pass it on to me again. Check it out.

*****************

Worth reading.

Don't pump gas on May 15th

In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight.

(well, what utter bullshit! gas has never, ever dropped 30 cents over night!! unless possibly in yer dreams. Ha ha ch)

On May 15th 2007, all Internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the Internet network, and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up.

If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION)

(I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW 2.29 BILLION WORKS OUT TO BE "almost 3 billion"? Ha ha BUT WHAT TH HELL, WHO'S NIT-PICKING? I'M ALSO WONDERING WHERE THIS FIGURE CAME FROM ANYWAY? I GUESS THEY FIGURE IF ALL 73 MILLION INTERNETTERS PUT IN 30.00 WORTH OF GAS THAT DAY IT WOULD COME TO 2.19 BILLION, WHICH IS CLOSE TO THEIR 2.29 BILLION FIGURE. I GUESS. ch)

out of the oil companies pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.

If you agree, which I can't see why you wouldn't,

(WELL I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL REASONS WHY I DON'T AGREE ch)

resend this to all your contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th"

*******************

Why would any one think this would make th slightest difference what so ever to th oil companies? They wouldn't actually lose a penny, much less 2.29 billion!

Even if ya were able, in some fantasy world, to somehow convince 73 million peoples not to buy 30 bucks worth of gas on a certain day, gas sales would simply spike in th days before and after th 15th! So whatever was lost on that one day, would be made up by th increase on those other days. At th end of th month, th result of th one day boycott would be absolutely nil!

Besides which, there is no way ya can beat those fuckers anyway. I mean, look at how they are gougin us all th time, makin record profits; and these kinda absurd, simplistic solutions like this, are just that. Absurd! Those swine can, and will charge us jus as much as they damn well want to.

An excellent example of Capitalism Gone Mad! If ya control th supply, then ya can gouge th fuck out of th consumer. Like, whadda they gonna do bout it?

Boycott a product without which they can't live. I mean, th whole industrialized world depends on it.

Ya simply can't beat th fuckers! Hey, looky here, if ya invented a device that costs five dollars that would make any car get 60 miles to th gallon, ya know what that would mean to th average person?? Nada fuckin thing amigo! Cuz then gas would be TEN DOLLARS a gallon!! Ya can't beat th fuckers. They run th world!!

But if it makes ya feel like yer gettin back at em in some way, well then sheeeit, don't buy any gas on May 15th. And while yer feelin all good about what ya accomplished, say a prayer to th Easter Bunny that we win th war in Iraq too!!

And oh yeah, there's a Nigerian diplomat who wants to give ya 30 million bucks to transfer some funds for him. Do ya mind?

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, did I mention, YA CAN'T BEAT TH FUCKERS!

Subject: Our Prez, he can jive!
Date: Tuesday, May 1, 2007 7:36 PM

I jus recently saw a clip on The Daily Show of the president getting down with some bruthas and sistuhs at some kind of event. I had been told about this before but I hadn't seen it.

That was absolutely hilarious. I mean, that is th most ridiculous thing I think I've ever seen any president do before. Oh lordy, that was classic. I don't know of any thing that even comes close.Th pic years ago of Dukakis in th tank was pretty good, but pales in comparison to this. I mean, I think you peoples know I don't like Geo. Bush, if I might understate my position, but sheeit, even I was embarrassed fer him. Mebbe next time he might try th "boot scootin boogie", y'know, like, somthin more suited to a white boy.

But I guess his handlers jus wanted to let th African-Amerikan Community know that jus because he is The President, doesn't mean he's not a "hip" and "with it" kinda dude! I can't wait til he starts "rappin". Ha ha

th cap'm

Subject: Ya never know!
Date: Monday, April 30, 2007 3:48 PM

I usually visit my mom on Sundays and she lives in an assisted living place out there at 100th and Wornall. So, sometimes on my way home I stop by Ward Pkwy, like yesterday fr'instance. I browsed around for a bit and couldn't help but remember how busy that mall used to be and how there wasn't much happenin there any more, in spite of their efforts to revitalize it, like, with Target, Starbucks and so on.

I came back to th crib and read a book and caught up on some shows I'd recorded recently and never did see th news at all. Went out a couple of hours ago and picked up my paper and saw what had happened out there bout twenty minutes after I had jus left. Whew!

Damn! This is a violent place we live in here in this United States, but I guess it's better than iraq, eh! This incident wouldn't even have made th papers there, considerin every single day there's a massacre somewhere, with scores of casualties. Every single day.

I think what we need is more guns. I think we oughta make em mandatory.

Everybody oughta be required to be “strapped” anytime they're out in public. We could start by teachin our chirrun in like, maybe th 4th or 5th grade to learn how to handle them, so when they get to th 6th grade and are issued their first 25 caliber revolvers, they will feel confident in handling bullies at school, so later on in life, they don't feel th need to go back and shoot everybody they happened to come across. They could jus take out th nuisances and leave th rest of th non-bullies alone.

Every couple of years we could upgrade their training so by th time they graduate from high school, they would be proficient in all manner of weapons, including RPG's fer th particularly obnoxious. That way, eventually, one could go to th mall on a peaceful Sunday afternoon and shop in peace and serenity. Ya could assign each family member a section of th family perimeter that they were accountable fer th security there, givin th young ones a sense of responsibility. That way ya could saunter jauntily about th mall, knowin yer 12 y/o daughter had yer back covered.

Oh well, it's jus a thought?

th cap'm

P.S. And ya know what, that rocket propelled grenade launcher could come in mighty handy fer those troublesome and annoyin tail-gaters. And fer those neighborhood dogs who insist on doin their business in yer yard. I'm tired of steppin in other people's dog's shit when I come home of a mornin.

Subject: Bobby "Boris" Pickett, RIP
Date: Friday, April 27, 2007 12:16 PM

My friend Stu sent this to me and I thought I'd pass it along jus fer yer information. A little bit of Rock n' Roll history fades away...again. (sigh) and I'll bet ya didn't know this bit of trivia bout Leon Russell.

***********

From the Bridgewater (NJ) Courier News:

He does the "Mash" no more. Bobby "Boris" Pickett, whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem "Monster Mash" to the top of the charts while cementing his place as one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has died of leukemia. He was 69.

Pickett, dubbed "The Guy Lombardo of Halloween" for his impossibly catchy No. 1 song, passed away Wednesday night at the West Los Angeles Veterans Hospital.

Pickett's multimillion selling single hit the charts three separate times: when it debuted in 1962, again in August 1970, and for a third time in May 1973. The resurrections were appropriate for a song where Pickett gravely intoned the forever-stuck-in-your-head chorus:

"He did the monster mash. ... It was a graveyard smash."

The novelty hit's fans included Bob Dylan, who sang Pickett's praises before playing the single on his XM Satellite Radio program last October.

The hit single insured Pickett's place in the pantheon of pop music obscurities, said syndicated radio host Dr. Demento, whose long-running program celebrates offbeat tunes.

Pickett's Karloff impression was forged in Somerville, MA., where 9-year-old Bobby watched horror films in a theater managed by his father. When Pickett launched a Hollywood nightclub act in 1959, it inevitably featured his Karloff impersonation. Pickett also did the voice when performing with his band the Cordials, particularly during the spoken part of the '50s hit by the Diamonds, "Little Darling." (Ha ha.I would love to hear that version of another ‘50's classic. c.h.)

Bandmate Lenny Capizzi convinced Pickett they needed to do a song featuring his impression of the horror impresario, and "Monster Mash" was born. The song was recorded in another two hours, featuring a then-unknown piano player named LEON RUSSELL and a backing band christened The Crypt-Kickers.

It was rejected by four major labels before Gary Paxton, lead singer on the Hollywood Argyles' hit "Alley Oop," released "Monster Mash" on his own.

***********************

A memorable song indeed. Oh, those were th times. eh!

th cap'm

Subject: Five Joe's In A Row
Date: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 4:34 PM

Recently I was sittin there in th saloon talkin to this dude next to me named Joe. Th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe too! Thas right!!

FIVE JOES IN A ROW!!!

Altho not unheard of, yer astrologers will tell ya that we don't often see this particular alignment. So th bartender started referrin to them as Joe 1, and Joe 2 and so on, making the last guy in the Joe row, Joe 5. see what I mean?

Well, I got to thinkin....hmmmm what can we do with this? And then I thought of a concept for a movie. Are ya ready for this??

"THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD JOES"

See, what th movie would be is; that th Living Dead Joes would lurch towards a house where there were some peoples there that th Living Dead Joes wanted to rend limb from limb, and do un-godly things to fer some reason; I guess it's a Zombie thing. I dunno. I'm not exactly sure why they feel this compulsion, but, no matter, it's not important. We jus know that they're not from th local Welcome Wagon.

Anyway, th five Joes would form a line abreast and with their eyes bulgin horribly from their heads and their arms held stiffly up in the air in front of em, they would advance slowly, but steadily towards their helpless victims in that staggerin, unsteady gait that peoples of th living dead ilk tend to do. Y'know th walk I'm talkin about!! You've seen em. I'm not sure why all those guys all walk that way.

I think having been DEAD has somethin to do with it. I think bein DEAD tends to slow one down, and obviously impairs mobility. After all, when was th last time ya saw a "living dead" someone at Wimbledon? Or in th NBA? What about th NFL?

IF, and I know it's a big IF, but if ya could get a "living dead" defensive lineman in th quarterbacks face, I'll bet it would scare the piss out of him, huh!!! Like, how would you feel if ya were about to hit yer receiver down field and next thing ya know...there's the "living dead" right in yer face. Sheeit. Bound to throw yer timing off!

OK... so back to th movie. Jus as th living Dead Joes are about to breach th walls of th house, th Haitian shaman there would say a magik incantation, and th Living Dead Joes would dissolve into dust. There would be a collective sigh of relief among th intended victims and some tearful huggings.....
fadeout....some creepy music.....and then,

THE END

fadeout again and then finally....

FOR NOW

leavin th possibility of a sequel. And besides th movie itself. There would be th merchandisin of th Living Dead Joe dolls, T-shirts, mugs, etc, etc, etc. Mebbe they could give out Living Dead Joe dolls with th Happy Meal.

Of course, as like many schemes of mine, this one will prolly not come to fruition either. But I still have some of those Mercedes dealership franchises in Darfur left, if yer interested.

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: Informative (but perhaps disturbing) Message Follows
Date: Tuesday, April 24, 2007 2:36 PM

OK, ya'll, for those of ya who recoil in shock and horror at "offensive" language,
THIS MESSAGE IS NOT FOR YOU!!

Aw'right! So, "don't even go there", as they say. Unless of course, yer curiosity gets th better of yer good sense.

For th rest of ya fuckers, ya might find it a bit amusin. I know I did, which tells ya somthin bout my sense of humor.

th cap'm

From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley)
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:22:49 -0500
To: capthoohah@webtv.net
Subject: Informative Message Follows

www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Misc/fuck.wav

th cap'm