Newest Headline Story Off My Home Page
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 1:07 AM
I'm gonna have to start payin more attention I guess
to th headlines cuz I never realized before how interestin and informative
they could be. Like, fr'instance, th latest,
"New Iraq Plan Focuses On Bad Actors"
OK, OK, geeze! Whut in th hail is Georgie doin now? I mean, I know
th Administration is gettin desperate fer some kinda solution to this
annoyin situation, but, sheeit, are they goin after mediocre dinner
theatre playhouse actors now? Are they th new scapegoats fer everything
thas gone wrong? Or mebbe bad Iraqi sit-com actors? Or whut? Jus who
are these so-called 'bad actors' any way, and who decides whether
they're reely bad, or mebbe jus havin a bad nite?
Who are these anonymous critics and whut are their credentials?
And sheeit, besides all that, how in th fuck is that gonna help us
bring Democracy to th Freedom and Peace Loving Peoples of that country
any fuckin way?
I mean, like, so whut If we purge th whole damned country of all these
inferior thespians? How's that gonna get em any electricity? Is that
gonna be our rallyin cry to th Shiites and th Sunnis, hopin to bind
em together in a common cause, in spite of their rabid loathing of
each other? Instead of
"Death To The Infidel Invaders.",
now it'll be?
"No More Bad Actors! No More Bad Actors!"
Myself, I'd try another approach.
Th Sales Racket
Tuesday, May 22, 2007 7:31 PM
I was jus lyin here and recollected an incident that
happened back in ‘68-‘69 mebbe. I was sellin business
machines and supplies fer 3M at th time. Our boss had had a speaker
come into our office to try and sign us up fer a three-day motivational
sales course put on by th Dale Carnegie peoples. Zig Ziglar, a well
know motivational speaker at th time was also goin to give a presentation.
Woohoo, that was a big deal, to hear th great Zig Ziglar, th legendary
salesmen's salesman in person.
El jefe was willin to cover half th lug fer th course to any of us
who wanted to take advantage of th deal. He told us we should all
jump on an opportunity like that. And it was more than jus implied
that all of us could use some assistance with our sales figures. Ha
Th guy pitchin th deal was a young dude about my age (27-28) and all
th salesmen were assembled in th sales room. He put on a pretty good
and convincin presentation. He told us how years before he had himself
taken th course and had seen th results fer hisself in improved sales
numbers. He was so impressed that he decided to sell th course itself.
After he finished with his pitch, he told us all to take a minute
and mull it over. I thought it sounded like a pretty good deal myself.
Years earlier when I was a teenager and sellin encyclopedias door
to door thru out Georgia and N. Florida I used to read all th self-help
kinda paperbacks at th time, like, "Think, and Grow Rich"
and "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and other
such fare. So, I figured this kinda course jus might help me out.
He was sittin in a chair at th front of th room rappin with one of
th guyz and I was gettin ready to tell him to sign me up, and he crossed
his leg and I couldn't help but notice he had a hole in th sole of
his shoe. I thought to myself.
"Hey, wait a minute here Duke. Whoa! What kinda shit is this?
If this dude has taken this terrific sales course hisself, and if
it's soo fookin good, then why in th fuck-all can't he buy hisself
a new pair of shoes?"
And so, I turned around and went back to my chair and sat down and
breathed a sigh of relief. Whew. Jus in th nick of time. That was
close. I told a couple of th guys about why I had changed my mind.
While I was tellin em, I started to chuckle. One of th guys asked
me what I was laughin about and I told him I was thinkin about all
th stuff I was gonna do with th 375 bucks I had jus saved myself.
We all had a chortle outta that.
While I was chucklin, I was also thinkin bout my other sales job;
sellin dope. See in that sales game, ya don't need any special sales
techniques, ya know whut I mean. Like, all ya gotta do is say,
"Here's what I got! This is how much it costs. How much do ya
And buyers would beat a path to yer door. Ha ha No charisma necessary!
Th only flaw with that scheme was tho: that th Feds beat a path to
my door too. Completely uninvited and un-welcome, y'unnerstan. I said,
"Ooops" and they took me away fer some Rehabilitation. And
so, after I was rehabilitated, I never got back in th sales game ever
again. My heart jus wasn't in it any more, ya dig!
This is a bit weird.
May 22, 2007 5:39 PM
I jus read a headline on my home page, which said,
"FDA OK's pill to end periods"
Thas cool, but what about comma's and apostrophe's and other stuff
This is jus another example of typical fuckin government bureaucracy
crap. They always go off and do everything half-assed, and never finish
th whole job! I didn't even bother to waste my time to read what ever
hair-brained scheme they had come up with. Don't matter, cuz I'm keeping
my periods any way.
Here US Government; take these and stick em up yer ass!!!
..................... and these
Monday, May 21, 2007 7:25 PM
This is George Carlin's website. Go there to see what
he has to say about all the crap attributed to him on the net.
Golfing Nun Joke
Monday, May 21, 2007 5:17 AM
OK, ya'll, this is for all you golfers and friends
of golfers and appreciators of a good joke. I don't often pass jokes
along but I found this one jus too funny not to.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I
thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with
my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was
quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So
I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even
took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother, a 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and
I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and
it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate
that was! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was
still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of
the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" said Mother Superior,
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And
I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was
a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel
and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said Mother Superior with a
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches
from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said,
"YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT, DIDN'T YOU!"
Now, thas gotta elicit a chuckle, doesn't it?
George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
Monday, May 21, 2007 4:39 AM
Have you received this yet? This is allegedly from
George Carlin. Yeah, right!!!
"Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way
to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas
would come down.
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch
an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle
and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to
America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's
pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be
allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will
also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better
life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward
it to your friends.
I just did."
Every couple of months I get somethin similar to this, about some
issue or another and they claim to be from George Carlin. Every time
my reaction has been th same,
This crap didn't come from George Carlin. Bein somewhat familiar with
Carlin and his brand of humor and his positions on things, I know
he didn't write this crap attributed to him. I've often wondered jus
what he thought about it all, cuz he surely has to be aware? I know
it must drive him crazy bein portrayed as a typical right wing neo-con
whacko, cuz you know George Carlin never, ever fit that description.
Jus th opposite in fact.
Well, my friend Judy answered that question fer me. She sent this
to me from his website.
DON'T BLAME ME
Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back
and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people
to know they're not mine.
Don't blame me.
Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line
jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably
not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have
come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really
lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.
And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with
my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor"
on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow
my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the
tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing,
and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable
of writing some of this stuff.
"PARADOX OF OUR TIME"
One of the more embarrassing items making the internet/e-mail rounds
is a sappy load of shit called "The Paradox of Our Time."
The main problem I have with it is that as true as some of the expressed
sentiments may be, who really gives a shit?
Certainly not me.
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and
has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer
culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse.
But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't
care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time
ago. It's meaningless.
(See the preface of "Braindroppings.")
Another problem I have with "Paradox" is that the ideas
are all expressed in a sort of pseudo-spiritual, New-Age-y, "Gee-whiz-can't-we-do-better-than-this"
tone of voice. It's not only bad prose and poetry, it's weak philosophy.
I hope I never sound like that.
HOW TO SPOT A FAKE
Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is
mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared
on my website.
If you see something with my name on it, and you really need to find
out if it's mine, post a question on my bulletin board . But only
if it's really important to you; don't fuck around with me for a lark.
Now, THAT sounds more like th George Carlin I know!
When Billionaires Get Bored.
Thursday, May 17, 2007 7:45 PM
Ya know, a lotta peoples prolly think,
"Gee, if I was a billionaire, I would never get bored."
But thas not true! They get bored too y'know. Take Mike Bloomberg.
He got bored and so got hisself elected Mayor of New Yawk City. But
now, I guess he's gettin bored again, cuz I read in yesterday's paper
where he's thinkin of startin a third party, al la Ross Perot, and
usin a BILLION dollars of his own money to do it.
And keep in mind, this is th USA where, altho we don't have a Monarchy
per se, th Almighty Dollar IS KING! If ya got enuff jack, ya can buy
any godam thing yer little heart desires. In this case, Mike thinks
bein th Prez might be a cool hobby.
See, he's lookin fer a hobby cuz Mike is bored. He doesn't wanna start
a baseball card collection, cuz, sheeit, he could buy every fuckin
card thas ever been printed, so....whas he supposed to do? I mean,
th possibilities are endless, but hey, I gotta idea........why don't
he jus buy th Presidency?!! That would be a cool hobby. Evidently,
Mike thought of that also.
As ya may or may not know, one of th big myths of our Democracy, is
that any person can grow up to be President! haha. Yeah, I know, I
know, there are a couple of caveats there tho, like, fr'instance,
th goin price to buy th Presidency these days is about a 100 million
bucks I believe, so yer gonna need some trainloads of cash to help
ya achieve yer dream. But still...Mike is considerin throwin a billion
bucks at it. Ya think thas enuff?
Sheeit, Hell yeah! With a billion dollars, ya could get PeeWee Herman
elected!! Or hell, fer that matter, Bozo th Clown. And actually that
Bozo gig wouldn't be so hard to do since we've already had a clown
in office fer th past six years. Th Amerikan peoples are used to that.
But I think Bozo could bring a certain elan to th Office that Georgie
Porgie was lackin. Like, he could deliver his State of the Union message
while ridin a unicycle and jugglin three lemons at th same time. Our
present President is barely able to put three words together. Think
of how entertained he coulda kept th Queen Mother pullin silk scarves
outta his sleeves all nite, and yankin farthings outta her ears.
OK, all pessimism aside, I'm thinkin there might be one silver lining
in this cloud tho, cuz as ya all know, all clouds are required to
have at least one silver lining:
President Bloomberg wouldn't be beholdin to any special interests
groups tho, would he? He wouldn't have to be goin out on th rubber
chicken trail shakin hands with a buncha yahoos from th Moose Lodge
in Hays, Kansas, and kissin stranger's babies like he gives a shit!!
And hell, he could make Bozo his Veep.
The Mystery Deepens
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 10:47 AM
Regarding th cars parked backwards in th synagogue
parking lot on Sunday I wrote about earlier, my friend Stu, who is
a Jew responded thusly,
"Hmmm... I can't shed any light on this for you, but I would
think the more vexing question would be, "Why was the parking
lot of syanagogue full on a SUNDAY?"
Excellent question and a good point which I missed entirely. Cus,
after all, th day of worship fer Jewish peoples is th Sabbath, Saturday!
So now, th new question is; who were all these peoples usin their
parking lot and parking backwards?
A Puzzling Situation
Monday, May 14, 2007 9:01 PM
Sunday, as I was drivin out to visit my mom, I was
goin by 95th and Wornall and I happened to notice in th parking lot
of the synagogue there, that all of th cars in their lot had been
backed into place? There was not one single car there that had been
pulled in with th front of th car facing th curb? Not one!!
Why do you think th entire congregation there did that? I have never
seen a parking lot in my life, with that particular kind of distinction!
Do you suppose th congregation was urged to do that by th Rabbi there
to show unity about some issue or another? And if so, how can we know
just exactly what it is they were demonstratin solidarity about?
And if thas not th case, then why were hundreds of cars parked like
that? I have had, and still do, many Jewish friends over th years,
and I have ridden with them in cars and trucks and vans, and many
other kinds of vehicles, and I have never had one of them back into
a parking spot, explainin that it was a little known tenet of their
religion that they must always back into a parking spot, rather than
just simply pull forward into one! I mean, I know about th admonition
about th swine and all, but not this one.
So, I was confused to see this yesterday, and today, I'm still wondering,
"WHY?" Whut's it all about Alfie? Can anyone shed any light
on this mysterious dilemma fer me, or must I forever wander th earth,
with this riddle rattlin about my brain unsolved?
More On The NRA, and some of the Conspiracies
Friday, May 11, 2007 2:18 PM
I have been thinkin some more about th NRA's position
that mentally deranged peoples have th same rights to own firearms
as everybody else. And then I was thinkin, "What kinda twisted
mind would think such a ridiculous notion?"
And then it occurred to me! Cuz, they themselves are fucking crazy,
thas why!! They understand that if crazy peoples weren't allowed to
own guns, th NRA would cease to exist, cuz 95% of their members are
Now of course, everybody who wants to own a gun isn't crazy. I mean,
there are a lotta peoples out there who believe in their right to
own a gun, and tat doesn't make em a nutcase.
But th thing is; ya can be in favor of gun rights without joinin th
NRA!! That organization is fer th nutball fringe faction among ya'll.
In th same fashion, ya can be in favor of preservin th environment
with out joinin th "Earth Firsters", or ya can be opposed
to animal cruelty wIthout joinin PETA. A person doesn't have to join
a fuckin radical, berserker organization in order to espouse a certain
kind of agenda.
OK, so now, for those of ya who are conspiracy buffs, think about
this. Take the acronym, NRA itself. Take th N and place it at th rear,
aw'right. Now ya got RAN. Right? Ok, now add an I to th front, and
whadda ya got? Thas right!
Is there a connection ya think, between th NRA and Iran? Is there
a conspiracy of some kind between these two entities? Is NRA a secret
code name fer IRAN? Mebbe not. It does sound a bit silly, doesn't
it? Is this example analogous to th NRA's position on anything? Hmmmm,
nah, I guess not. Th only thing this bit of nonsense actually has
in common with th NRA's policies, is that it's completely stupid and
makes no sense whatsoever, and so, in that sense it is exactly like
Well, OK, if yer scratchin yer head tryin to make any sense outta
any of this, well, sheeit, lemme remind ya, no where in my job description,
does it say any where about how I godda make sense about any godam
P.S. But is that NRA and IRAN thing reely jus only a co-incidence?
And furthermore, check this out; what about "IRAN" and "RAIN"?
Huh? Try and explain that one away as mere coincidence?
Don't Say This Word!
Wednesday, May 9, 2007 7:50 PM
Th word is, "irregardless". This is, like,
totally incorrect! OK. And yet one hears it all the time. And, altho
misuse of this word has become so common; it still always surprises
me when I hear otherwise intelligent peoples say it.
Twice in th last week I have heard news anchors use this word, (one
of whom was Katie Couric; well no surprise there) not that they're
inherently intelligent or anythin, cuz most of th time they're jus
readin th words off th teleprompter any way, but they do have peoples
there on th staff whose job it is to see that they speak in a correct
My senior year high school Engish teacher, Mrs. Hirsch, first hipped
me to this back in 1959', and ever since then, I've tried to enlighten
those about me, who were unaware of th gaffe they were committin when
they said it. I usually carry a sharp stick with me and when I hear
this word uttered, besides a verbal rebuke, I also give th offender
a sharp jab in th eye, to reinforce th lesson. It's pretty effective.
And it also gives that person a rather distinctive mien thereafter.
Th effect of this procedure actually extends beyond that individual,
cuz fer th rest of their life, when others ask em what happened to
their eye, in recounting th circumstances of their loss, once again
th lesson is repeated, and hopefully, reinforced.
Now, if ya like, ya can easily check th veracity of this out by goin
to yer dictionary and lookin up th word, but lemme jus tell ya right
now, yer wastin yer time, cuz yer not gonna find it! There are numerous
other words that start out with that prefix, "irr" like,
“irrelevant” or “irrespective” (which is very
similar in meaning to irregardless) or “irregular.” We
all know thas a person who is not “regular,” and there
are over th counter drugs fer that.
Then there's that word, “irresponsible.” Sheeit, now there's
a word that has been bandied about in my direction fer my entire life.
And one of these days I'm gonna look it up and see jus what th fuck
they were sayin to me.
Well anyway, I mention this to ya'll, so like, at yer next book club
meeting, or mebbe when yer expoundin yer views on foreign policy at
th saloon sometime, ya won't say this, thereby exposin ya to allegations
of bein a "clodhopper", and havin peoples ask ya in between
snickers and guffaws, if ya injured yerself fallin off th turnip truck,
leavin ya puzzlled as to jus whut th hail thas supposed to mean.
I also mention this jus out of a personal mission I've been on to
help peoples speak th English properly. As ya'll know I'm sure, I
always make th effort to spel words right, to be GC (grammarianly
correct) as much as possible. Oh sure, occassionally, I may commit
a grammatical faux pas my own self, but sheeit, thas OK, cuz thas
different, ya dig! So back off with th sharp sticks fuckers!!!
Paris Hilton's Impending Jail Sentence
Wednesday, May 9, 2007 6:32 PM
Is Paris goin to th slammer?
NADA FUCKIN CHANCE! NO WAY, NO HOW!
Ain't never gonna happen! Paris won't be goin to jail for no 45 days!
Paris won't be going to jail period!!
And ya know why? Cus she's Paris Hilton, thas why! Th Fuckin Bitch!
Jail is for peoples like you and me, commoners, or as Leona Helmsley
called us, "the little people", but not fer persons of her
In Saturday's Paper
Monday, May 7, 2007 4:20 PM
NRA CRITICIZES TERROR GUN BILL
The National Rifle Association is urging the Bush Administration to
withdraw it's support of a bill that would prohibit suspected terrorists
from buying firearms. NRA executive director Chris Cox said th bill,
"would allow arbitrary denial of 2nd Amendment rights based on
mere "suspicions" of a terrorist threat.
By th way, on 60 Minutes recently, a spokesperson fer th
NRA said they are also opposed to denying peoples with mental problems
th right to own guns too, sayin that jus becuz a person is stone fuckin
crazy, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to own an assault rifle
jus like everybody else. They say th Second Amendment guarantees him
They contend that jus cuz a person is institutionalized and hears
voices, needs th drool wiped off his chin regularly and is completely
nutso, doesn't mean when he is released, he shouldn't be able to go
and buy an assault rifle too. After all, th Second Amendment doesn't
make any prohibitions against insane peoples. Th NRA's stance is that
it is better to allow scores and scores of thousands of mentally deranged
peoples and thousands of suspected terrorists to own guns cuz they
haven't killed anybody yet.
Of course if ya've been convicted of th heinous crime of sale of marijuana,
well naturally ya can't own a gun. But tell me, using their logic,
where in th Second Amendment does it specifically say that? Huh? Where?
Where does it say there that a convicted car thief "shall NOT
have the Right to bear arms?" Well, not only does it not say
that any where, but in fact, it is a crime in itself fer them to own
So why are suspected terrorists and legally mentally deranged peoples
given a pass? Cus those intransigent NRA fuckers will not give a single
inch in th direction of Common Sense and public safety, under any
circumstances, cuz they think in their distorted minds, that it might
weaken their position th tiniest bit.
ARE THESE PEOPLES UTTERLY INSANE THEMSELVES, OR WHUT?
Rolling Stone magazine
Monday, May 7, 2007 3:02 PM
I recently saw an interview by Tim Russert with Jann
Wenner, editor of Rolling Stone about th magazine's 40th
Now, normally, I read magazines at th library where they're free,
but this was such an intriguing and interesting story, I decided to
buy one of my very own, so I could leisurely peruse it here on th
comfort of my sofa.
Damn, peoples!!! What th fuck is goin on?
When did magazines start costin 7 bucks?
No wonder I read em fer free at th library! Ya won't catch me buyin
any more magazines at 7 bucks a pop, Rolling Stone, or no!!
Republican Presidential Debate
Monday, May 7, 2007 5:04 AM
OK, I didn't watch th debate. Like, why in th fuck
would I wanna waste my time watchin a debate by peoples involved in
an election which is still a year and a half away? Sheeit, I'd just
as soon watch Jerry Springer instead, y'know whut I mean?
I mean, at least there, ya could see somethin with som measure of
redeemin qualities, like, a couple of huge, toothless, rotund women,
fr'instance, tearin each other's blouses off. I'll bet that debate
audience never once showed th same level of enthusiasm Jerry's audience
I'm tellin ya; it's absurd. Jus as an example of how ridiculous this
crap has gotten; I read in Saturday's paper where th Associated Press
asked various candidates to name their favorite reality TV show. I'm
not jivin ya! Fr'chrissake, is this th kinda question we ask now of
those who would seek th highest office in th land?
Th AP wants to know their favorite TV show? Gimme a break, pleeeze!
Does it make any fuckin difference in th world what kinda TV shows
they watch? Will they be askin em next whut kinda tree they'd prefer
to be too? Is this as fuckin wacky to you as it seems to me?
But, ya know whut, there prolly are peoples out there who DO decide
who they're gonna vote for, for reasons as unfathomable as this. Otherwise,
explain how any body woulda voted fer George Bush again fer a second
term? And never mind John Kerry. Ab-sol-lutely NO ONE coulda been
worse than Bush's second term has been! And it's not even over yet.
Sheeit. Dick Nixon woulda been better!!!
P.S. By th way, in case ya were interested, both Mitt Romney and Hillary
Dillary Clinton liked Amerikan Idol best. Keep that in mind
when ya go to th polls in a couple years. And whut kinda fuckin name
is Mitt anyway? Ya ever known any one in yer life named Mitt? Is that
dude an Amerikan, or is he som kinda Mormon immigrant? Whas goin on
An Original Joke
Sunday, May 6, 2007 3:37 PM
OK, ya'll I just made up a joke.
Q: What did th Irish pirate say?!
A: Erin go Arrrrgh!
Ha ha Is that a knee slapper or whut?!
On the Use of Cocaine
Thursday, May 3, 2007 1:42 PM
THIS past monday nite i was fortunate to rap (to
make conversation)with a buddy of mine who was extremely wired at
th time funny thing about coke it makes one's self esteem skyrocket*
and th desire to share yer brilliance with others around ya who are
not so enlightened is jus overwhelming it majikically transforms one
into a witty intelligent and very interestin person almost immediately
and simultaneously also triggers this desire to share that brilliance
with th uninformed and unbriliant non-stop without pause even if those
about them are twiddling their thumbs pickin their nose scratchin
their privates or passed out those little minor details are of no
consequence cuz th important thing is one is releasin th brilliance
of one's mind thas all that counts I don't know why but it becomes
vitally important that ya let others know of th myriad interestin
and widely varied thoughts flashin thru yer mind constantly and there
is a pressin need to share these wonderful insights and ideas with
those around ya so under no circumstances allow another to interrupt
ya cuz after all what could they possibly have to say of any importance
haha ya know whut i mean and if they should attempt to do so from
time to time simply keep rappin jus as fast as ya can and like get
those thoughts from yer mind to yer tongue and pay them no mind and
if ya should like get a few of those thoughts mixed up no big deal
thas jus part of th process it's kinda like takin 4 lanes of traffic
and narrowin it down to jus one lane like yer gonna get a bottleneck
sometimes ya dig and then like sometimes ya might even notice that
yer sayin th same things over and over again but thas ok too yer simply
tryin to make a point cuz oft times those yer rappin with well y'know
it's not that they're dumb or any thing but like maybe jus not as
quick as you are ya know whut i mean i only tell ya these things so
next time yer gettin down with yur neighbors and they ask ya if ya
want a 'bump' you'll know how to conduct yerself jus remember this
and this is very important others are keenly interested to hear everything
ya gotta say so say as much as ya can as fast as ya can and don't
let some bore interrupt ya like with some lame ass story bout what
their kid said yesterday c'mon dude whose got time fer that kinda
mundane banal tripe as opposed to th quality kinda stuff yer layin
on em ok looky here i'm only tryin to share with ya a few of th thoughts
flittin thru my mind at th moment aw'right and blah blah, blah yada
yada yada and so on and so forth and like i was sayin....
*scuse me fer that breach of faith cuz i had vowed previously not
to ever use that overused cliche. "skyrocket" again y'know,
cus these days everybody sez that nothin merely increases any more
everything skyrockets well with th exception of troop increases they
Cinco de Mayo. Si, Si.
Thursday, May 3, 2007 11:55 AM
OK ya'll, get yer asses ready to celebrate. It's
Cinco de Mayo Day on Saturday, like I had to remind you party animals
that, right!? Ha ha
Now, don't be lettin nobody tell ya it's Mexican Independence Day,
aw'right, cuz it's not. It's jus th celebration of a Mexican victory
over a French Army at th Battle of Puebla in 1862. Ya remember th
date don'cha? May 5th, 1862.
See, th thing is, my peoples, well on my mother's side of th family
that is, came here to what was then called Nueva España in
1723. Her maiden name was Flores de Abrego and she was one of 16 kids,
8 muchachos y 8 muchachas. Her ancestors were given land grants and
settled along th banks of th San Antonio river in Texas.
There weren't any gringos here then either. There was no bullshit
about punching 1 fer Engles, cuz there weren't any of those white
devils here then. This was Our land, given to my peoples by King Philip
of Spain to colonise for God, the King and Spain.
And so we rightfully confiscated it, by Authority of th King, from
th ignerent savages and barbarians who had been living here in obscurity
fer ten thousand years, before we 'discovered' em and brought em up
to speed, and put em on th map.
And fer those who were willin to see th Light and convert to Catholicism,
we allowed to live and gave em good jobs in th silver and gold mines,
fields and farms, etc. allowin em to sleep 4-5 hours a day and fed
and clothed em too. And all we asked in return was an honest days
work. But a lotta these indigenous beings were jus too lazy or somthin,
and so we had to cull them out, so to speak. Today, there are still
Everythin was goin smooth until one day a Gringo showed up. No big
deal. We were a tolerant peoples. We let it go. Then another one came!
And another. And another. And before ya could say, "Que pase?",
they were coming by th wagon loads, all bringing their notions of
Rights and Freedoms and Democracy with em.
Well, ya can ask one of our Native Amerikan bruthas what happened
Then, cuz God willed it, of course, they were forced to declare war
on our asses, and so in th process took Texas, New Mexico, Colorado,
California, Nevada and who all knows what else from us. Th fuckin
Gringos I'm talkin about!
So today, they throw this little bone at us, May 5th, and let us shoot
off some fireworks, drink some tequila and shout "Salud"
and then, it's back to th strawberry patch, th kitchen, th ditch,
th lawn mower, th leaf blower, etc. on Monday.
OK, ya'll, so gracias massah.
Happy Cinco De Mayo and "SALUD!"
RE: NO GAS...On May 15th 2007
Wednesday, May 2, 2007 5:26 AM
OK ya'll in th past 3 days I have received this
bit of nonsense from seven peoples. So, if you should get it too,
pleeeze don't pass it on to me again. Check it out.
Don't pump gas on May 15th
In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide
in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon
(well, what utter bullshit! gas has never, ever dropped 30 cents over
night!! unless possibly in yer dreams. Ha ha ch)
On May 15th 2007, all Internet users are to not go to a gas station
in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most
There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the Internet network,
and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up.
If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00
(that's almost 3 BILLION)
(I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW 2.29 BILLION WORKS OUT TO BE "almost
3 billion"? Ha ha BUT WHAT TH HELL, WHO'S NIT-PICKING? I'M ALSO
WONDERING WHERE THIS FIGURE CAME FROM ANYWAY? I GUESS THEY FIGURE
IF ALL 73 MILLION INTERNETTERS PUT IN 30.00 WORTH OF GAS THAT DAY
IT WOULD COME TO 2.19 BILLION, WHICH IS CLOSE TO THEIR 2.29 BILLION
FIGURE. I GUESS. ch)
out of the oil companies pockets for just one day, so please do not
go to the gas station on May15th and lets try to put a dent in the
Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.
If you agree, which I can't see why you wouldn't,
(WELL I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL REASONS WHY I DON'T AGREE ch)
resend this to all your contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump
gas on May 15th"
Why would any one think this would make th slightest difference what
so ever to th oil companies? They wouldn't actually lose a penny,
much less 2.29 billion!
Even if ya were able, in some fantasy world, to somehow convince 73
million peoples not to buy 30 bucks worth of gas on a certain day,
gas sales would simply spike in th days before and after th 15th!
So whatever was lost on that one day, would be made up by th increase
on those other days. At th end of th month, th result of th one day
boycott would be absolutely nil!
Besides which, there is no way ya can beat those fuckers anyway. I
mean, look at how they are gougin us all th time, makin record profits;
and these kinda absurd, simplistic solutions like this, are just that.
Absurd! Those swine can, and will charge us jus as much as they damn
well want to.
An excellent example of Capitalism Gone Mad! If ya control th supply,
then ya can gouge th fuck out of th consumer. Like, whadda they gonna
do bout it?
Boycott a product without which they can't live. I mean, th whole
industrialized world depends on it.
Ya simply can't beat th fuckers! Hey, looky here, if ya invented a
device that costs five dollars that would make any car get 60 miles
to th gallon, ya know what that would mean to th average person??
Nada fuckin thing amigo! Cuz then gas would be TEN DOLLARS a gallon!!
Ya can't beat th fuckers. They run th world!!
But if it makes ya feel like yer gettin back at em in some way, well
then sheeeit, don't buy any gas on May 15th. And while yer feelin
all good about what ya accomplished, say a prayer to th Easter Bunny
that we win th war in Iraq too!!
And oh yeah, there's a Nigerian diplomat who wants to give ya 30 million
bucks to transfer some funds for him. Do ya mind?
P.S. By th way, did I mention, YA CAN'T BEAT TH FUCKERS!
Our Prez, he can jive!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007 7:36 PM
I jus recently saw a clip on The Daily Show
of the president getting down with some bruthas and sistuhs at some
kind of event. I had been told about this before but I hadn't seen
That was absolutely hilarious. I mean, that is th most ridiculous
thing I think I've ever seen any president do before. Oh lordy, that
was classic. I don't know of any thing that even comes close.Th pic
years ago of Dukakis in th tank was pretty good, but pales in comparison
to this. I mean, I think you peoples know I don't like Geo. Bush,
if I might understate my position, but sheeit, even I was embarrassed
fer him. Mebbe next time he might try th "boot scootin boogie",
y'know, like, somthin more suited to a white boy.
But I guess his handlers jus wanted to let th African-Amerikan Community
know that jus because he is The President, doesn't mean he's not a
"hip" and "with it" kinda dude! I can't wait til
he starts "rappin". Ha ha
Ya never know!
Monday, April 30, 2007 3:48 PM
I usually visit my mom on Sundays and she lives in
an assisted living place out there at 100th and Wornall. So, sometimes
on my way home I stop by Ward Pkwy, like yesterday fr'instance. I
browsed around for a bit and couldn't help but remember how busy that
mall used to be and how there wasn't much happenin there any more,
in spite of their efforts to revitalize it, like, with Target, Starbucks
and so on.
I came back to th crib and read a book and caught up on some shows
I'd recorded recently and never did see th news at all. Went out a
couple of hours ago and picked up my paper and saw what had happened
out there bout twenty minutes after I had jus left. Whew!
Damn! This is a violent place we live in here in this United States,
but I guess it's better than iraq, eh! This incident wouldn't even
have made th papers there, considerin every single day there's a massacre
somewhere, with scores of casualties. Every single day.
I think what we need is more guns. I think we oughta make em mandatory.
Everybody oughta be required to be “strapped” anytime
they're out in public. We could start by teachin our chirrun in like,
maybe th 4th or 5th grade to learn how to handle them, so when they
get to th 6th grade and are issued their first 25 caliber revolvers,
they will feel confident in handling bullies at school, so later on
in life, they don't feel th need to go back and shoot everybody they
happened to come across. They could jus take out th nuisances and
leave th rest of th non-bullies alone.
Every couple of years we could upgrade their training so by th time
they graduate from high school, they would be proficient in all manner
of weapons, including RPG's fer th particularly obnoxious. That way,
eventually, one could go to th mall on a peaceful Sunday afternoon
and shop in peace and serenity. Ya could assign each family member
a section of th family perimeter that they were accountable fer th
security there, givin th young ones a sense of responsibility. That
way ya could saunter jauntily about th mall, knowin yer 12 y/o daughter
had yer back covered.
Oh well, it's jus a thought?
P.S. And ya know what, that rocket propelled grenade launcher could
come in mighty handy fer those troublesome and annoyin tail-gaters.
And fer those neighborhood dogs who insist on doin their business
in yer yard. I'm tired of steppin in other people's dog's shit when
I come home of a mornin.
Bobby "Boris" Pickett, RIP
Friday, April 27, 2007 12:16 PM
My friend Stu sent this to me and I thought I'd pass
it along jus fer yer information. A little bit of Rock n' Roll history
fades away...again. (sigh) and I'll bet ya didn't know this bit of
trivia bout Leon Russell.
From the Bridgewater (NJ) Courier News:
He does the "Mash" no more. Bobby "Boris" Pickett,
whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem
"Monster Mash" to the top of the charts while cementing
his place as one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has
died of leukemia. He was 69.
Pickett, dubbed "The Guy Lombardo of Halloween" for his
impossibly catchy No. 1 song, passed away Wednesday night at the West
Los Angeles Veterans Hospital.
Pickett's multimillion selling single hit the charts three separate
times: when it debuted in 1962, again in August 1970, and for a third
time in May 1973. The resurrections were appropriate for a song where
Pickett gravely intoned the forever-stuck-in-your-head chorus:
"He did the monster mash. ... It was a graveyard smash."
The novelty hit's fans included Bob Dylan, who sang Pickett's praises
before playing the single on his XM Satellite Radio program last October.
The hit single insured Pickett's place in the pantheon of pop music
obscurities, said syndicated radio host Dr. Demento, whose long-running
program celebrates offbeat tunes.
Pickett's Karloff impression was forged in Somerville, MA., where
9-year-old Bobby watched horror films in a theater managed by his
father. When Pickett launched a Hollywood nightclub act in 1959, it
inevitably featured his Karloff impersonation. Pickett also did the
voice when performing with his band the Cordials, particularly during
the spoken part of the '50s hit by the Diamonds, "Little Darling."
(Ha ha.I would love to hear that version of another ‘50's classic.
Bandmate Lenny Capizzi convinced Pickett they needed to do a song
featuring his impression of the horror impresario, and "Monster
Mash" was born. The song was recorded in another two hours, featuring
a then-unknown piano player named LEON RUSSELL and a backing band
christened The Crypt-Kickers.
It was rejected by four major labels before Gary Paxton, lead singer
on the Hollywood Argyles' hit "Alley Oop," released "Monster
Mash" on his own.
A memorable song indeed. Oh, those were th times. eh!
Five Joe's In A Row
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 4:34 PM
Recently I was sittin there in th saloon talkin
to this dude next to me named Joe. Th guy next to him was named Joe,
and th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named
Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe too! Thas right!!
FIVE JOES IN A ROW!!!
Altho not unheard of, yer astrologers will tell ya that we don't often
see this particular alignment. So th bartender started referrin to
them as Joe 1, and Joe 2 and so on, making the last guy in the Joe
row, Joe 5. see what I mean?
Well, I got to thinkin....hmmmm what can we do with this? And then
I thought of a concept for a movie. Are ya ready for this??
"THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD JOES"
See, what th movie would be is; that th Living Dead Joes would lurch
towards a house where there were some peoples there that th Living
Dead Joes wanted to rend limb from limb, and do un-godly things to
fer some reason; I guess it's a Zombie thing. I dunno. I'm not exactly
sure why they feel this compulsion, but, no matter, it's not important.
We jus know that they're not from th local Welcome Wagon.
Anyway, th five Joes would form a line abreast and with their eyes
bulgin horribly from their heads and their arms held stiffly up in
the air in front of em, they would advance slowly, but steadily towards
their helpless victims in that staggerin, unsteady gait that peoples
of th living dead ilk tend to do. Y'know th walk I'm talkin about!!
You've seen em. I'm not sure why all those guys all walk that way.
I think having been DEAD has somethin to do with it. I think bein
DEAD tends to slow one down, and obviously impairs mobility. After
all, when was th last time ya saw a "living dead" someone
at Wimbledon? Or in th NBA? What about th NFL?
IF, and I know it's a big IF, but if ya could get a "living dead"
defensive lineman in th quarterbacks face, I'll bet it would scare
the piss out of him, huh!!! Like, how would you feel if ya were about
to hit yer receiver down field and next thing ya know...there's the
"living dead" right in yer face. Sheeit. Bound to throw
yer timing off!
OK... so back to th movie. Jus as th living Dead Joes are about to
breach th walls of th house, th Haitian shaman there would say a magik
incantation, and th Living Dead Joes would dissolve into dust. There
would be a collective sigh of relief among th intended victims and
some tearful huggings.....
fadeout....some creepy music.....and then,
fadeout again and then finally....
leavin th possibility of a sequel. And besides th movie itself. There
would be th merchandisin of th Living Dead Joe dolls, T-shirts, mugs,
etc, etc, etc. Mebbe they could give out Living Dead Joe dolls with
th Happy Meal.
Of course, as like many schemes of mine, this one will prolly not
come to fruition either. But I still have some of those Mercedes dealership
franchises in Darfur left, if yer interested.
Fwd: Informative (but perhaps disturbing) Message Follows
Tuesday, April 24, 2007 2:36 PM
OK, ya'll, for those of ya who recoil in shock and
horror at "offensive" language,
THIS MESSAGE IS NOT FOR YOU!!
Aw'right! So, "don't even go there", as they say. Unless
of course, yer curiosity gets th better of yer good sense.
For th rest of ya fuckers, ya might find it a bit amusin. I know I
did, which tells ya somthin bout my sense of humor.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Charley)
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:22:49 -0500
Subject: Informative Message Follows