Subject: Ya never know!
Date: Monday, April 30, 2007 3:48 PM

I usually visit my mom on Sundays and she lives in an assisted living place out there at 100th and Wornall. So, sometimes on my way home I stop by Ward Pkwy, like yesterday fr'instance. I browsed around for a bit and couldn't help but remember how busy that mall used to be and how there wasn't much happenin there any more, in spite of their efforts to revitalize it, like, with Target, Starbucks and so on.

I came back to th crib and read a book and caught up on some shows I'd recorded recently and never did see th news at all. Went out a couple of hours ago and picked up my paper and saw what had happened out there bout twenty minutes after I had jus left. Whew!

Damn! This is a violent place we live in here in this United States, but I guess it's better than iraq, eh! This incident wouldn't even have made th papers there, considerin every single day there's a massacre somewhere, with scores of casualties. Every single day.

I think what we need is more guns. I think we oughta make em mandatory.

Everybody oughta be required to be “strapped” anytime they're out in public. We could start by teachin our chirrun in like, maybe th 4th or 5th grade to learn how to handle them, so when they get to th 6th grade and are issued their first 25 caliber revolvers, they will feel confident in handling bullies at school, so later on in life, they don't feel th need to go back and shoot everybody they happened to come across. They could jus take out th nuisances and leave th rest of th non-bullies alone.

Every couple of years we could upgrade their training so by th time they graduate from high school, they would be proficient in all manner of weapons, including RPG's fer th particularly obnoxious. That way, eventually, one could go to th mall on a peaceful Sunday afternoon and shop in peace and serenity. Ya could assign each family member a section of th family perimeter that they were accountable fer th security there, givin th young ones a sense of responsibility. That way ya could saunter jauntily about th mall, knowin yer 12 y/o daughter had yer back covered.

Oh well, it's jus a thought?

th cap'm

P.S. And ya know what, that rocket propelled grenade launcher could come in mighty handy fer those troublesome and annoyin tail-gaters. And fer those neighborhood dogs who insist on doin their business in yer yard. I'm tired of steppin in other people's dog's shit when I come home of a mornin.

Subject: Bobby "Boris" Pickett, RIP
Date: Friday, April 27, 2007 12:16 PM

My friend Stu sent this to me and I thought I'd pass it along jus fer yer information. A little bit of Rock n' Roll history fades away...again. (sigh) and I'll bet ya didn't know this bit of trivia bout Leon Russell.

***********

From the Bridgewater (NJ) Courier News:

He does the "Mash" no more. Bobby "Boris" Pickett, whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem "Monster Mash" to the top of the charts while cementing his place as one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has died of leukemia. He was 69.

Pickett, dubbed "The Guy Lombardo of Halloween" for his impossibly catchy No. 1 song, passed away Wednesday night at the West Los Angeles Veterans Hospital.

Pickett's multimillion selling single hit the charts three separate times: when it debuted in 1962, again in August 1970, and for a third time in May 1973. The resurrections were appropriate for a song where Pickett gravely intoned the forever-stuck-in-your-head chorus:

"He did the monster mash. ... It was a graveyard smash."

The novelty hit's fans included Bob Dylan, who sang Pickett's praises before playing the single on his XM Satellite Radio program last October.

The hit single insured Pickett's place in the pantheon of pop music obscurities, said syndicated radio host Dr. Demento, whose long-running program celebrates offbeat tunes.

Pickett's Karloff impression was forged in Somerville, MA., where 9-year-old Bobby watched horror films in a theater managed by his father. When Pickett launched a Hollywood nightclub act in 1959, it inevitably featured his Karloff impersonation. Pickett also did the voice when performing with his band the Cordials, particularly during the spoken part of the '50s hit by the Diamonds, "Little Darling." (Ha ha.I would love to hear that version of another ‘50's classic. c.h.)

Bandmate Lenny Capizzi convinced Pickett they needed to do a song featuring his impression of the horror impresario, and "Monster Mash" was born. The song was recorded in another two hours, featuring a then-unknown piano player named LEON RUSSELL and a backing band christened The Crypt-Kickers.

It was rejected by four major labels before Gary Paxton, lead singer on the Hollywood Argyles' hit "Alley Oop," released "Monster Mash" on his own.

***********************

A memorable song indeed. Oh, those were th times. eh!

th cap'm

Subject: Five Joe's In A Row
Date: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 4:34 PM

Recently I was sittin there in th saloon talkin to this dude next to me named Joe. Th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe, and th guy next to him was named Joe too! Thas right!!

FIVE JOES IN A ROW!!!

Altho not unheard of, yer astrologers will tell ya that we don't often see this particular alignment. So th bartender started referrin to them as Joe 1, and Joe 2 and so on, making the last guy in the Joe row, Joe 5. see what I mean?

Well, I got to thinkin....hmmmm what can we do with this? And then I thought of a concept for a movie. Are ya ready for this??

"THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD JOES"

See, what th movie would be is; that th Living Dead Joes would lurch towards a house where there were some peoples there that th Living Dead Joes wanted to rend limb from limb, and do un-godly things to fer some reason; I guess it's a Zombie thing. I dunno. I'm not exactly sure why they feel this compulsion, but, no matter, it's not important. We jus know that they're not from th local Welcome Wagon.

Anyway, th five Joes would form a line abreast and with their eyes bulgin horribly from their heads and their arms held stiffly up in the air in front of em, they would advance slowly, but steadily towards their helpless victims in that staggerin, unsteady gait that peoples of th living dead ilk tend to do. Y'know th walk I'm talkin about!! You've seen em. I'm not sure why all those guys all walk that way.

I think having been DEAD has somethin to do with it. I think bein DEAD tends to slow one down, and obviously impairs mobility. After all, when was th last time ya saw a "living dead" someone at Wimbledon? Or in th NBA? What about th NFL?

IF, and I know it's a big IF, but if ya could get a "living dead" defensive lineman in th quarterbacks face, I'll bet it would scare the piss out of him, huh!!! Like, how would you feel if ya were about to hit yer receiver down field and next thing ya know...there's the "living dead" right in yer face. Sheeit. Bound to throw yer timing off!

OK... so back to th movie. Jus as th living Dead Joes are about to breach th walls of th house, th Haitian shaman there would say a magik incantation, and th Living Dead Joes would dissolve into dust. There would be a collective sigh of relief among th intended victims and some tearful huggings.....
fadeout....some creepy music.....and then,

THE END

fadeout again and then finally....

FOR NOW

leavin th possibility of a sequel. And besides th movie itself. There would be th merchandisin of th Living Dead Joe dolls, T-shirts, mugs, etc, etc, etc. Mebbe they could give out Living Dead Joe dolls with th Happy Meal.

Of course, as like many schemes of mine, this one will prolly not come to fruition either. But I still have some of those Mercedes dealership franchises in Darfur left, if yer interested.

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: Informative (but perhaps disturbing) Message Follows
Date: Tuesday, April 24, 2007 2:36 PM

OK, ya'll, for those of ya who recoil in shock and horror at "offensive" language,
THIS MESSAGE IS NOT FOR YOU!!

Aw'right! So, "don't even go there", as they say. Unless of course, yer curiosity gets th better of yer good sense.

For th rest of ya fuckers, ya might find it a bit amusin. I know I did, which tells ya somthin bout my sense of humor.

th cap'm

From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley)
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:22:49 -0500
To: capthoohah@webtv.net
Subject: Informative Message Follows

www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Misc/fuck.wav

th cap'm

Subject: April 20, or 4/20
Date: Saturday, April 21, 2007 1:09 AM

Ok ya'll it's not too late. we all know what what 420 means, right? This is th celebration of that day. there's still some time left.

We start tokin at 4:20 pm and it's good to 4:20 am, so we still got a few hours left. you can have yer july 4ths and yer memorial days, but 4:20 is fer th committed dope smokers of amerika. this is our day. if I wasn't so fucked up right now i could explain it with a bit more clarity, but........sheeit dude, it's 420, or it was any way.

th cap'm

Subject: No Apology Necessary! (evidently)
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2007 3:26 PM

Speakin of apologies, I wonder why we haven't heard one from Sharpton or Jackson to th lacrosse players from Duke? That was quite a travesty! It would seem one would be in order. After all, these two characters jumped on th "Lynch th Duke lacrosse Players Bandwagon" before it was even hitched up? Those young guyz will always have fond memories of their college days, eh? Well, mebbe not so fond.

But an apology from th Reverends? Nah!

Oh well, thas different. I guess.

th cap't

P.S. Jus outta curiosity, I wonder what Tawana Brawley's up to these days?

Subject: An Apology and a Pound of Flesh
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2007 2:53 PM

I have read several headlines recently where it was alleged in a very accusatory manner that Gov. Jon Corzine of New Jersey, who was badly injured in a car wreck, wasn't wearing his seat belt at the time. It was noted that this is against the law!! Y'see what's goin on here? This Governor is drivin around completely un-seatbelted in direct violation of th law! Whass up with that? Are you as pissed off about this as I am?

After a through investigation by State Authorities in this grave matter; if these allegations turn out to be true, it is absolutely Shocking and Outrageous that once again, another elected official would so flagrantly thumb their nose at th Law!

How much skullduggery must we endure from our crooked and corrupt public officials? Is there no end? Th sunuvabitch owes each and every law abiding citizen of New Jersey an apology!

Th heck with New Jersey ya'll, he owes us ALL an apology. Enuff is enuff!

Frankly tho, thas not enuff fer me. I want more!! Can we impeach him? Can we tar and feather him? Can we run his ass outta town on a rail? Can we hang him high? Can we sic Al "th Snake" Sharpton and “Big Daddy” Jackson on his ass? (you'll have to excuse me fer leavin th “Reverend” part off their names, cuz that makes me physically ill)

Fer th moment he's hidin out in his hospital room, but y'know whut, he can't hide there forever. One of these days he's gonna have to come out, and when he does, we'll be waitin fer him, shanks and razors flashin in th sun. I'm sharpenin mine right now in anticipation.

Let's get together and take back our streets boys and gurlz!

th cap't

Subject: Bumper Stickers
Date: Friday, April 13, 2007 4:27 AM

Hey, yo, I wuz drivin earlier today and I wuz behind this station wagon of some kind and th whole rear window was plastered with posters sayin things like "Jesus loves you!" and, "The Lord rules" and,"God Bless America" and similar stuff like that.

But whut rilly got my attention was th bumper sticker!! Ya remember all th bumper stickers and sayings you've heard like,

"FRIENDS don't let drunk friends DRIVE". A notable sentiment to be sure, right? But hey, check this out....this sticker said,

"FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GO TO HELL!"

Well, no shit Sherlock! I mean, thas obvious, isn't it? Whut kinda friend would ya be if ya let yer friend go to Hell? Ya do whut ever yagotta do, righ? So th next time yer with some friends who are engagin in sinful kinds of behavior, REMEMBER THAT! and ACT. Takin their keys away is goin to be meaningless in a situatin like this. No, no, this calls for stronger, more drastic measures.

Whut I do in a situation like that is; I always carry around a small Visine container, except I have filled mine with lighter fluid, so when one of my friends look like they might be gettin ready to 'sin', I squirt some lighte fluid on their ear and light it.

Yeeehah! Well of course they jump up screamin and shriekin and hoppin around with their ear on fire and I usually say somethin like,

"Beware sinner, for this is nothin compared to th pain of everlasting Hell which yer flirtin with right this minute mister/missy. We're talking here unendurable, excruciatin, Agony for all Eternity. Time without end. Forever and ever. With no possibility of time off fer good behavior! Ya unnerstan!! Ya don't want that, do ya?"

Well, I'm happy to report that a lotta peoples, after we put their ear out and on th way to th emergency room will say somethin like,

"Thanks cap't. That was close! I needed that!!"

On th other hand there will inevitably be those other ungrateful bastards who will break your nose and kick some of yer teeth out, and mebbe break a couple of ribs. These assholes will always misinterpret yer efforts to help them. Some peoples jus don't know how to be friends. Ingrate Pricks!

In those situations, after I manage to get up, I usually just say to em, in a now very nasally voice,

"Awright then, go ahead and Go To Hell!! ya fuckin sinner, you!! Peoples like you are why they have Hell in th first place!!"

th cap'm

Subject: Don Imus; Foot In Mouth Disease
Date: Thursday, April 12, 2007 4:34 PM

Well, Imus was on the air 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, plus guest appearances for over 30 years. Thas a lot of time to fill with conversation, and make sure ya don't offend anybody. I would imagine most peoples conversing fer 30,000 hours would say something sexist or racist or both durin that time, wouldn't ya think?
Still tho, he was bad! And now th chickens have come home to roost, cuz fortunately for th peoples of Amerika, we have watchdogs like th Rev. Al Sharpton and th Rev. Jesse Jackson to protect us from his rabid, sexist, racist attitudes, and they can also fill in his "comic relief shoes" too.

After all, who can forget th zany antics of th Rev. Sharpton and his role in th comedy, "The Saga of Tawana Brawley"? Th tragi/comic story of a fun loving young girl who got shit on by th white oppressors. In th end, we didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

And as fer th Rev. Jackson, that sly dawg, in between his preachins and pontificatins, he was boinkin any thing that moved. Both of em, role models fer any young person to emulate, eh?

So, now, th Rev. Sharpton has jus, almost single-handedly, achieved th greatest Victory in Racial Relations in this country since Abe signed th Emancipation Proclamation.

But now that he has achieved this huge victory fer Racial Justice, I mean, whadda'ya think boyz and gurlz? Is there any chance at all he'll shut th fuck up, and go back to doin whatever th hell it is he does? Y'know, th Al Sharpton gig.

Personally, I don't think so! Nah. Flush with victory and plenty "face time" and "ink" to show fer it, th Gloating Game has jus started and he's jus gettin warmed up. This one's got waaay too much mileage left in it to let go of any time soon.

Myself, I think it's pathetic that this jive-ass shyster has now become th Conscience and Spokes/person fer th African-Amerikan Community. Give me a fuckin break!!! Pleeeze!

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Shish-ka-baby Tattoo
Date: Thursday, April 12, 2007 1:21 PM

OK, ya'll, I told ya in advance it was revolting and disgusting. I warned ya, remember? But does any one ever listen to me? Nooooo. I cautioned those of ya, faint of heart, to proceed no further, but some didn't heed my warning and went on to become sick to their stomachs, and further now want to rend th guy limb from limb, drawn and quartered, boiled in oil, or have th offendin leg chopped off at th knee, and various other propositions.

OK, ya'll, while those things might make ya feel better; thas not nice! I don't guess I gotta tell ya that Ms. Manners would never approve of such rude tactics in handling that situation. I'm sure she would recommend a firm, but polite,

"Sir, that is most offensive. Please remove yourself from Civilised Society."

and I'm sure she would delete him from her dinner guest list. But I doubt whether she would recommend drawin blood!

Aw'right, so here's th deal tho. I am not givin ya that guys name and address,

OK!! So, call off th goon squads. Besides, he's already entered th Witness Protection Program and they're sendin him some place where peoples don't wear shorts, like to th North Pole.

And speakin of tattoos, I recently joked to a buddy of mine who is a tattoo artist that I had been considerin a tattoo and I wanted him to put th Battle of Gettysburg across my forehead. Without missin a beat, without even gettin into th difficulty involved in such a rendering on my forehead, he told me, "No fuckin way". He splained to me that that would be "unprofessional." No real professional would ever do a face he said. There are some lines ya don't cross.

Now, his own tattoos go all th way round his neck under his chin right up to his ear lobes. Thas Ok tho, y'dig, but stuff on th face: tsk, tsk, very unprofessional.

th cap'm

Subject: Re: SHISH-KA-BABY
Date: Wednesday, April 11, 2007 7:43 PM

WARNING: Disgustin, revoltin bit of information follows.

Do not proceed any further if ya happen to be a rather sensitive type person, or fer that matter, if ya jus happen to be an ordinary regular person with normal sensitivities. cuz this is jus terrible! I mean it.

Now, speakin strictly fer myself, I thought it was rather amusin in a twisted kind of way....but...well, we all know how I am.

See, it's all about a tattoo this guy I know recently acquired. It's like somethin ya might see in 'the National Lampoon' or some other equally dark satirical kind of rag. I had seen this guy show this to peoples before and I was always curious because th reaction was always th same. a droppin of th jaw, a widenin of th eyes in surprise and shock, and a loud exclamation, from th gurls, always, "OmiGawwwwd!" in a high pitched squealin way. y'know how they do!!

So one night recently my curiosity got th better of me and I asked to see it. He raised up his pant leg and on th outside of his right calf, stretchin from th ankle to th knee, was a bright multi-colored tattoo in a kinda psychedelic style.

At first I couldn't make out what it was. And then suddenly I saw it! BAM! There it was!! A “Eureka” kind of moment. There were brightly colored flames runnin th length of his calf, and right in th middle of the flames was a skewer on which three tiny, cartoon-like cherubic babies were impaled!! No jive. (and the babies were so cute and cuddly lookin in spite of th rod running thru their sides)

Well, without thinkin about it I spontaneously let out a loud Guffaw, and I don't guffaw too often. (ask anyone whose ever told me a joke) I couldn't help it. I know, I know it's terrible, but I couldn't help myself.

He told me he was at a mall recently, sprawled out on one of th benches and this middle aged lady sittin there commented on his tattoo and wanted to see it better, so he stretched out his leg, and when she leaned over to get a better look and realized what it was. She recoiled in horror and let out a loud shriek and said,

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. You Are Sick!"

And she jumped up and stalked away mutterin and fumin. That got me to chucklin and chortlin even more as I got an image of th whole thing going down. She prolly tried to have him arrested fer "Extremely Bad Taste in Public" or somethin or other.

Anyway, if you should want a tattoo jus like this one fer yourself, I'm sorry, but th artist who did it only does his stuff one time, and then that design is “retired” and since this particular one is already taken, sorry, but No Dice!

Th artist told th guy that he had had that particular design fer a couple of years and no one else had shown any interest in havin it permanently attached to their bodies. And so now he has it, and you don't!!! Well, ya know th old saying, "Th early bird gets th Worm!"

th cap't

P.S. By th way, this tattoo has a name...thas right! It's got a Name!! Dig this.... it's called, "SHISH-KA-BABY" and I know...it's just terrible!!! TERRIBLE! tsk, tsk.

Subject: Live to Ride, Ride to Live
Date: Monday, April 9, 2007 4:21 PM

A couple of days ago I happened to be drivin through th very heart of yuppiedom out there in yer Johnson County, and I noticed this matronly lady walkin her little white foo-foo dog. She had th obligatory blue hair, th rhinestone glasses with th gold chains, blue slacks with th white shoes.

And fer th piece de re-sis-tance, she had on a soft blue denim jacket with a large colorful sequined Harley-Davidson logo on th back!! Ha ha. No shit. This ol gaI was prolly 70 years old! Is nothin sacred anymore?

Th scene brought out a derisive little chortle from me. haha No doubt she prolly had, "Born to raise Hell" tattooed on her shoulder, or mebbe. "Property of th Gallopin Gooses" on her butt. So, if ya ever wondered what ever happened to old biker "mamas", don't fret, they are alive and well and walkin their dogz in th burbz.

th cap'm

Subject: Congress Fattens Up Emergency Supplemental
Date: Monday, April 9, 2007 4:04 AM

I received th below from my friend Mike G. I hope ya'll excuse me cuz I edited it jus a bit for clarity and brevity. However, if ya find it long and confusin, lemme jus say this, "Ooops!"

*********************

The Porkers are Back: Congress Fattens Up Emergency Supplemental Washington, D.C. -- Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) today criticized the House of Representatives for out-of-control spending and unrelated policy provisions in the emergency war supplemental bill (HR 1591).

(Citizens Against Government Waste is a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization dedicated to eliminating waste, fraud, abuse, and mismanagement in government. ch)

President Bush requested $103 billion in emergency spending for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and disaster relief. The House Appropriations Committee included an additional $21 billion in special interests projects.

By passing earmark reforms, Congress signaled that it was serious about restoring fiscal responsibility to the budget process, ¹ CAGW President Tom Schatz said, "It seems the commitment to reform was short-lived however, as Congress fattens up the emergency spending bill with special-interest goodies."¹

Below is a list of spending and policy provisions in the supplemental that are unrelated to military operations.

$500 million for emergency wildfires suppression; the Forest Service currently has $831 million for this purpose;

$400 million for rural schools;

$283 million for the Milk Income Loss Contract program;

$120 million to compensate for the effects of Hurricane Katrina on the shrimp and menhaden fishing industries;

$100 million for citrus assistance;

$74 million for peanut storage costs;

$60.4 million for salmon fisheries in the Klamath River region in California and Oregon;

$50 million for asbestos mitigation at the U.S. Capitol Plant;

$48 million in salaries and expenses for the Farm Service Agency;

$35 million for NASA risk mitigation projects in Gulf Coast;

$25 million for spinach growers;

$25 million for livestock;

$20 million for Emergency Conservation Program for farmland damaged by freezing temperatures;

$16 million for security upgrades to House of Representatives office buildings;

$10 million for the International Boundary and Water Commission for the Rio Grande Flood Control System Rehabilitation project;

$6.4 million for House of Representative's Salaries and Expenses Account for business continuity and disaster recovery expenses;

$5 million for losses suffered by aquaculture businesses including breeding, rearing, or transporting live fish as a result of viral hemorrhagic septicemia;

$4 million for the Office of Women's Health at the Food and Drug Administration;

Supplemental appropriations bills are exempt from spending caps and other budget controls, which makes them magnets for projects and programs that might not stand up to the scrutiny of the budget process. Members of Congress know that the President is unlikely to veto a bill that is meant to meet the needs of troops in the field.

(this is one time i'd be glad to see georgie use th veto. ch)

Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) also blasted the Senate for adding special interest spending to the emergency war supplemental bill.

The Senate version of the fiscal 2006 emergency appropriations bill included $700 million for the "Railroad to Nowhere" in Mississippi, but public criticism led conferees to remove that provision and others in order to pass a final version in line with the President's request.

Scheduled for markup today, the Senate Appropriations Committee bill totals $121.7 billion - $18.5 billion more than the president requested for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and disaster relief. Like the House version, the Senate bill is packed with spending items unrelated to overseas military operations.

Funding for sugar beets and sugar cane has no place in an emergency bill, especially with the Farm Bill coming up later in the year.

(beets! Ha ha. keep in mind this is a war appropriations bill. ch)

The Senate has matched the House's insatiable appetite for pork while satisfying their sweet tooth. Below is a list of the most egregious and irrelevant special-interest goodies in the supplemental:

$1.5 billion to the Army Corps of Engineers for recovery along the coast, including funding for Hawaii for an April 2006 flood;

$850 million for Department of Homeland Security grants ($625M for rail/transit grants, $190M for port security grants, and $35M for urban area security grants); $660 million for the procurement of an explosives detection system for the Transportation Security Administration;

$640 million for the Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program;

$425 million for education grants for rural areas;

$388.9 million for a backlog of Department of Transportation projects;

$165.9 million (including $60.4 million for salmon fisheries in the Klamath Basin region) for fisheries disaster relief;

$100 million for the Democratic and Republican National Conventions;

$95 million for dairy producers;

$75 million for salaries and expenses for the Farm Service Agency;

$48 million in disaster construction money for NASA;

$25 million for grants through the Safe and Drug Free Schools program;

$25 million for asbestos abatement at the Capitol Power Plant;

$24 million to sugar beet producers;

$22.8 million for geothermal research and development;

$20 million for reimbursements to Nevada for insect damage;¹

$13 million for the Ewe Lamb Replacement and Retention Program;

$12 million for Forest Service money requested by the president in the non-emergency FY2008 budget

$3.5 million for guided tours of the Capitol;

$3 million for sugar cane; and

The projects and programs slipped into supplementals often would not pass muster in the regular budget process. Presidents are historically reluctant to veto funding meant for the troops, which makes such bills a magnet for pork; President Bush has threatened to veto this year's bill.

Emergency spending bills are often called Christmas trees for the plentiful gifts that are tucked in for lawmakers and special interests, but this is the first with holiday ornaments already included. Taxpayers must play the Grinch and stop Congress from celebrating Christmas in March.

******************
OK, ya'll ya see his just goes to show ya it hardly makes any difference who's in charge. Evidently, in spite of all their proclamations to th contrary, th Dems are simply th same bunch of hypocritical assholes as their Republican predecessors.

They bitched and whined about th way th Republicans ran things, not really cuz they were opposed to it, but rather cuz they weren't gettin any of th action. Now, that they have a majority in th House and th Senate; what happened to all their high ideals? Fuck that; they jus want a chance to gorge themselves for a change.

It's jus th same ol political bullshit, but this time th Dems are th ones who got their hands in th cookie jar. And so, friends of Dems get th handouts and special perks now, in payment for their financial support. All of em, Dems, Repubs, are nothin but a bunch of greedy, hypocritical, corrupt mutherfuckers, masquerading as public servants.

Altho majorities in th House and th Senate may change hands, in th end, nothing really changes at all, jus a different crew of pigs at th trough!

FUCK EM ALL!!! is all I can say.

th cap'm

Subject: Vice President Cheney Pushes Al-Qaida-Saddam Connection
Date: Friday, April 6, 2007 3:52 PM

What pray tell, is th matter with this crazy mutherfucker?? I mean, I think he must really be Insane! In spite of so many intelligence reports to th contrary, from so many different sources, after so many years of tryin to find a common link there, this absolutely stupid-beyond-belief fucking Fool continues to assert this! A lone Voice of Madness cryin out th wilderness.

Next he will be tellin us that there are in fact, WMD's in Iraq, and that we jus haven't found em yet.

And furthermore, Osama-bin-Laden can run, but he can't hide, cuz we will run his ass to ground and kill him.

And th Easter Bunny! is coming to town in th next couple of days accompanied by th Tooth Fairy.

And what makes it even more Bizarre and Unfathomable, is that,

THERE ARE OTHER FUCKING MORONS OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE HIM!!!!

I think th man is in need of serious psychiatric help because he is obviously Delusional and not in touch with Reality. He needs to be heavily medicated and watched closely. Perhaps a straitjacket is called for. And don't, under any circumstances, let him near any shotguns!! And this is th Vice President of th United States, fr'chrissake!! When some of us say,

"Who could possibly be worse than George Bush?"

There's yer answer, and it's Frightening!!

th cap'm

Subject: Danger! Be on th lookout for FOUR BILLION Chinese! armed w/pitchforks
Date: Thursday, April 5, 2007 4:17 PM

I overheard two young college dudes a couple of nights ago discussin th possibility of conflict between th United States vs. 'The Evil 7'. (not to be confused with the Big 12) Accordin to one of em, China poses th biggest threat to us since they have OVER FOUR BILLION peoples. Thas right!! Thas OVER 4 BILLION mind you!

Damn! I wuzn't' previously aware that more than half of all th peoples in th world were Chineee! Thas a passel of peoples, eh? Ha ha. I'm often amused, but even more so, confused, as to where our young peoples get their information from? And numbers seem to be particularly vexing to em. Like ya ask em,

"Whut's th difference between one million and one billion?"

and they furrow their brows in confusion and consternation and think bout it real hard and then tentatively put forth somthin like,

"Well, um, like, I think a billion is, like, y'know, more! Right?"

Well anyway, Junior asserted that should th Chinese mass together on th West Coast, (this would be a classic example of 'the teeming masses' we hear so much about) armed only with pitch forks, and proceed to march eastward......... that we could not stop them!

OK, ya'll, imagine, if ya will, hordes of Chinese critters from horizon to horizon tramplin thru our corn fields and strawberry patches and so on, and jus generally makin a nuisance of themselves. Alarm bells and klaxons immediately went off in my brain as, among all the possible Doomsday Scenarios rattlin around my head at any given time, like global warming, terrorist nuclear attack, Geo. Bush and Co. etc, I hadn't thought of this one!!

Well, immediately, th other potential Rhodes Scholar dude poo-pooed that idea.

Whut nonsense! Claimin that th

"MIGHTY UNITED STATES NAVY, THE GREATEST NAVY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD",

(if I might quote him directly) would easily prevent such a gatherin. Well I would certainly hope there would be some way or another that we could keep FOUR BILLION illegal aliens from suddenly appearin on th West coast; (maybe a wall or sumthin huh) this assertion on his part of th effectiveness of our Navy was most assurin to me. Whew! That was close, eh.

Well, if ya stop and think about it tho; if they all came over on those Chinese junks they like so much and they put 50 of em on each one, they'd need, accordin to my calculations, oh, about 80 million boats. Man, think of th impact on th environment cuz thas a lotta trees ya gotta be choppin down, y'dig! And hopefully th Greatest Navy In The History Of The World would be able to spot such a fleet, before it reached our coast and deal with it. Well, I guess that was his point; like, no way we're gonna allow 80 million boats to traverse th Pacific and unload their human cargoes, each one armed with his own pitchfork. And incidentally, 4 billion pitchforks; I'll bet Haliburton or Bechtel gets that contract.

So, after considerin all th mitigatin factors involved, I put th notion out of my mind. Well, of course, no such luck, cus later on that night I consequently had a terrible nightmare!! I dreamed OVER FOUR BILLION Chinese, (i'm not sure exactly how many there were since I stopped countin at 4 billion) wearin their coolie straw hats and all of em armed with pitch forks...... were coming straight at MOI. Yeah right, at ME. They were coming after ME!! All FOUR BILLION of em, and they all had mischief in their eyes!! They weren't hell bent on World Domination, or nothin so mundane as that; nah, they jus wanted to stick a bunch of holes...in ME...with their pitch forks!! And I never done shit to any of em!!

"Why me",

I asked, but bein th Inscrutables they are, I got no answer?

So...like, I was mightily relieved when I woke up pantin heavily and sweatin profusely and realised it was only a dream. Jus a bad dream. Thas all. Whut a relief! And yet, it's not over!! Th residual effects linger, cuz I now have this naggin feelin of impendin Doom from th 'Yellow Peril' and I can't shake it! So, as a result of my heightened awareness, (some might say, paranoia) I cancelled my luncheon plans at th 'Golden Dragon' today. I had a vision (yeah, I have visions too; visions are not just fer prospective office holders ya know!) of finishin my Dew Drop Wok soup, or whatever that stuff is, and upon askin fer my check, havin th wait/person whip out a concealed pitchfork from th folds of their garment and ATTACK me instead, pokin holes in me!!

But thas not gonna happen boyz n gurlz! Cus sometimes, like in this case, it's worthwhile to pay attention to our dreams. I'm gonna be a lot more vigilant and circumspect in th future in dealin with Chinese peoples. Looky here, a word of caution; th next time ya see a Chinese person about on th streets carrying a large pitch fork, ya would be wise to not make eye contact and to avoid em altogether. Go ahead, cross to th other side of th street, or better yet, flee away like th wind, as fast as ya can.

And y'know whut else, besides th pitch forkin to death threat we face here, I think one of th major threats we face from these Chinese beings is th insidious and equally dangerous loss of Technology we are sufferin at their hands right now, posin a grave threat to our very Way of Life.

Even as I write this, they are workin in fast food joints, all over th country, disguisin themselves as illegal Mesican laborers, learnin th secret ingredients of Big Macs and other similar high end culinary goods, so they can start manufacturin their own Chinese versions. "Th Numbah One Mac". exportin them to places all over th world where we had previously been dominant, now strippin us of our Status and Prestige as bein...FIRST in the Fast Food World. And then, where will that leave us, huh? Sheeit, I mean, like, every fuckin thing else we buy already comes from China. It all looks pretty grim to me.

This is how Empires become un-glued and crumble and fall apart. Read "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire" by Gibbons if ya need further proof. Once they allowed their pizzas and pastas and marinero sauces to be duplicated, it wuz all over but th cryin.

So, remember boyz and gurlz, this is not a time to be complacent and unfocused.

Ferget Iraq and Islamic terrorists, global warming, Republicans, et al. Danger! Danger! Keep yer eyes peeled. Look to th East!! Th Clouds of Doom are gatherin there!!!

th Ever Vigilant cap't

P.S. Damn!! I hate th long term ramifications of some over heard drunken bar conversations sometimes!

th cap'm

Subject: Modern Drunkard Magazine Online
Date: Tuesday, April 3, 2007 11:48 AM

For those fellow lushes among ya who may find this sort of thing entertainin, and in th interest of th Public Good, I am forwarding (Gasp, there's that nasty F word) this to ya.

Ya can access this yerself from time to time as th inclination hits ya by goin to, drunkard.com

th cap'm

http://www.drunkard.com

Subject: Fwd: A magazine for every taste
Date: Tuesday, April 3, 2007 11:45 AM

Nov. 03'

****************

I went out to Hollywood Video earlier today. They rent four movies for four days for four dollars there. Pretty good deal!

They also have a very impressive variety of magazines available. If you're looking for a particular magazine, you'll prolly find it there. Row upon row, upon row of magazines you've never heard of before.

While browsing, a certain title caught my eye; it was the current issue of “MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE.” Perhaps you're not familiar with it.

This issue's featured articles are such as,

"Black Out Like You Mean It" (make the most out of yer next trip to oblivion),

"Heroes of Hooch", (saluting the super souses)

"Etiquette for Inebriates" (modern manners for modern drunks)

"The Dozen Staggering Steps" (12 steps to becoming a better drunk)
and of course, the regular features such as ,

"Drink Your Way to Health", "Wino Wisdom",
and much, much more.

Well, in any case, being a life long card-carrying member of Boozers, Inc. I purchased a copy and I must tell you, I found it to be an interesting, informative and enjoyable read. Not for every one, mind you, but still, for some of us.

th cap'm

Subject: Mz Zombie
Date: Friday, March 30, 2007 4:19 PM

Katie Couric, th most un-natural, un-human looking person I've ever seen. Take a close look at her next time ya see her readin th news. There is not a wrinkle on her face anywhere. None. Look at her forehead. Look at her cheeks, around her eyes. not a line anywhere. It's weird. I hope those fools are happy, yanking Bob Scheiffer off th air to replace him with this mindless automaton. I suspect there was more there then meets th eye tho.

If aliens walk among us, I think she's one of em. I think this was why she replaced Bob, a most competent journalist! She is one of th pod peoples. They have infiltrated not only th Government, (take a reel close look at th Leader sometime too) but th entire media, and god only knows what else.

Peoples complain of th Liberal Media, th Conservative Media; what bullshit! It's th Alien Media we're dealin with here boyz and gurlz. They have been brainwashing us fer years now.

I first got on to em back in th late 60's one nite, when trippin on some righteous acid. (orange sunshine) I realised they were programming my brain via th electronic sounds comin outta, "Umma Gooma", an early Pink Floyd album, so I've been AWARE fer sometime myself. I tried without success that nite, to warn others in th room about what was happening, but they had all got ahold of some of th brown acid, so, y'know, what more need be said, other than my efforts obviously went unheeded. They said I was Paranoid! I said they were in a Denial!

But, hey, looky here, stop and pay attention to all th commercials ya see that feature cute lil aliens in em. Heck, there's not a threatening one in th whole bunch. They're all these ubiquitous, friendly lil creatures who jus wanna tell ya about trucks or phones, or whatever, and notice how they all seem to look jus a bit alike, regardless of what th commercial is! What these critters are doin is acclimating us to accept th notion that one day, they will reveal themselves to us, and after many years of seein em sellin us Product, we won't fweak out! (yeah, I know, I said 'fweak')

I think one of these nites, at a pre-determined time, Katie, along with th Leader and all th rest of em, is gonna grab her face and peel it off and there's gonna be a big grey bug there starin back at us with those large oil puddle eyes. This will be th signal fer th Motherships to land and then........ well, ya already know th routine don't ya? Ya've seen it enuff times already. Th enslavement of th Human Race ensues. It'll be interesting to see tho, how many of th folks we always considered weird, will turn out to be our Masters now.

On th other hand, there's th possibility that Katie's looks are jus th result of an over dose of botox!

th cap'm

P.S. And mebbe former Senator Fred Thomson will run fer President.... or mebbe not. I guess we'll jus have to wait and see, eh?

Subject: Th Madness!
Date: Friday, March 30, 2007 2:44 PM

Isn't it absolutely Insane that every evening, we are told th results ofth latest poll concernin th election. We are told what candidate X's reaction was to candidate Y's statement. We are shown clips of their speeches and th talkin heads then explain to us what the candidate jus said, and what it means, cuz we are obviously too fookin stupid to interpret their words ourselves with out some aid.
We are jus th dumb proles who need these things explained to us. We aren't capable of understanding this information on our own. We are th Amerikan public and I hope th ignorance of yer fellow Amerikans doesn't bother ya too much. Heck, if it hadn't been fer Manifest Destiny, we'd all be diggin ditches right now, right?! Thank God! And God bless Amerika!

These peoples jus go on, and on, and on, and then we listen to several of them analyzing amongst themselves what it all means. But dependin on their leanins, they often disagree among themselves, so, dumb ol us, we still don't understand what th fuck is goin on! If th pundits and th professional analyzers are confused, where th hell does that leave average Joe Dumbnuts?

This goes on daily, nightly, mornins, evenins, th afternoons, y'know, whenever some person.... somewhere.... might be awake and would need this critical information. By th way, did ya know that in th latest poll, Hillary's numbers dropped a half percentage point among young African Amerikan college students in Minot, N. Dakota, while Mitt Romney appears to have inexplicably gained a bit among un-employed Croatian-Amerikan auto wokers in suburban Peoria?

Stay tuned, OK.

Oh yeah, Fred Thompson of Tennessee may run. Or.... he may not. He doesn't know hisself yet. He's undecided right now. I dunno either! But it seems th possibility remains open. This gives fuel to much speculation as to what might happen, say, IF he did decide to run? That could be good news.... or bad news... y'know, like, dependin on how you look at it? I mean, like, you know, IF he did decide to run, what Might he think about this?.... Or that? And if he doesn't decide to run, will he continue with his acting career? I dunno....and he doesn't either yet. But it's eminently interesting to hear some of th infinite possibilities IF he should decide to, huh?

I jus hope he doesn't pull a Vilsack on us. Remember him? He announced his candidacy, and then a short time later, he dropped outta th race. Now that was cruel of him to get our hopes up like that, and then dash em! By th way, who th hell was he anyway? Is he even an Amerikan? What kinda name is that anyway, Vilsack? Did any one ever even check whether he had a green card or not? Did he speak English?

Well anyway, as th race heats up; among th candidates there's adesperate frenzy to get their message out as quickly as possible, cuz, remember, boyz and gurlz, th ELECTION IS ONLY 19 MONTHS AWAY!!!!

Before ya even know it, it'll be November 08', and a lot of us will be a year and a half older then.

You silly gooses! ya prolly thought it was next week didn't ya? haha. Nope, th jokes on you! But listen here kids, even tho ya still got 19 months left to make up yer minds, it's not too early to arrange yer transportation to th polls. Have ya thought bout that yet? How ya gonna get to th polls? Don't be a procrastinator and wait til th last minute on this, OK!

th cap'm