Subject: Mz Zombie
Date: Friday, March 30, 2007 4:19 PM

Katie Couric, th most un-natural, un-human looking person I've ever seen. Take a close look at her next time ya see her readin th news. There is not a wrinkle on her face anywhere. None. Look at her forehead. Look at her cheeks, around her eyes. not a line anywhere. It's weird. I hope those fools are happy, yanking Bob Scheiffer off th air to replace him with this mindless automaton. I suspect there was more there then meets th eye tho.

If aliens walk among us, I think she's one of em. I think this was why she replaced Bob, a most competent journalist! She is one of th pod peoples. They have infiltrated not only th Government, (take a reel close look at th Leader sometime too) but th entire media, and god only knows what else.

Peoples complain of th Liberal Media, th Conservative Media; what bullshit! It's th Alien Media we're dealin with here boyz and gurlz. They have been brainwashing us fer years now.

I first got on to em back in th late 60's one nite, when trippin on some righteous acid. (orange sunshine) I realised they were programming my brain via th electronic sounds comin outta, "Umma Gooma", an early Pink Floyd album, so I've been AWARE fer sometime myself. I tried without success that nite, to warn others in th room about what was happening, but they had all got ahold of some of th brown acid, so, y'know, what more need be said, other than my efforts obviously went unheeded. They said I was Paranoid! I said they were in a Denial!

But, hey, looky here, stop and pay attention to all th commercials ya see that feature cute lil aliens in em. Heck, there's not a threatening one in th whole bunch. They're all these ubiquitous, friendly lil creatures who jus wanna tell ya about trucks or phones, or whatever, and notice how they all seem to look jus a bit alike, regardless of what th commercial is! What these critters are doin is acclimating us to accept th notion that one day, they will reveal themselves to us, and after many years of seein em sellin us Product, we won't fweak out! (yeah, I know, I said 'fweak')

I think one of these nites, at a pre-determined time, Katie, along with th Leader and all th rest of em, is gonna grab her face and peel it off and there's gonna be a big grey bug there starin back at us with those large oil puddle eyes. This will be th signal fer th Motherships to land and then........ well, ya already know th routine don't ya? Ya've seen it enuff times already. Th enslavement of th Human Race ensues. It'll be interesting to see tho, how many of th folks we always considered weird, will turn out to be our Masters now.

On th other hand, there's th possibility that Katie's looks are jus th result of an over dose of botox!

th cap'm

P.S. And mebbe former Senator Fred Thomson will run fer President.... or mebbe not. I guess we'll jus have to wait and see, eh?

Subject: Th Madness!
Date: Friday, March 30, 2007 2:44 PM

Isn't it absolutely Insane that every evening, we are told th results ofth latest poll concernin th election. We are told what candidate X's reaction was to candidate Y's statement. We are shown clips of their speeches and th talkin heads then explain to us what the candidate jus said, and what it means, cuz we are obviously too fookin stupid to interpret their words ourselves with out some aid.
We are jus th dumb proles who need these things explained to us. We aren't capable of understanding this information on our own. We are th Amerikan public and I hope th ignorance of yer fellow Amerikans doesn't bother ya too much. Heck, if it hadn't been fer Manifest Destiny, we'd all be diggin ditches right now, right?! Thank God! And God bless Amerika!

These peoples jus go on, and on, and on, and then we listen to several of them analyzing amongst themselves what it all means. But dependin on their leanins, they often disagree among themselves, so, dumb ol us, we still don't understand what th fuck is goin on! If th pundits and th professional analyzers are confused, where th hell does that leave average Joe Dumbnuts?

This goes on daily, nightly, mornins, evenins, th afternoons, y'know, whenever some person.... somewhere.... might be awake and would need this critical information. By th way, did ya know that in th latest poll, Hillary's numbers dropped a half percentage point among young African Amerikan college students in Minot, N. Dakota, while Mitt Romney appears to have inexplicably gained a bit among un-employed Croatian-Amerikan auto wokers in suburban Peoria?

Stay tuned, OK.

Oh yeah, Fred Thompson of Tennessee may run. Or.... he may not. He doesn't know hisself yet. He's undecided right now. I dunno either! But it seems th possibility remains open. This gives fuel to much speculation as to what might happen, say, IF he did decide to run? That could be good news.... or bad news... y'know, like, dependin on how you look at it? I mean, like, you know, IF he did decide to run, what Might he think about this?.... Or that? And if he doesn't decide to run, will he continue with his acting career? I dunno....and he doesn't either yet. But it's eminently interesting to hear some of th infinite possibilities IF he should decide to, huh?

I jus hope he doesn't pull a Vilsack on us. Remember him? He announced his candidacy, and then a short time later, he dropped outta th race. Now that was cruel of him to get our hopes up like that, and then dash em! By th way, who th hell was he anyway? Is he even an Amerikan? What kinda name is that anyway, Vilsack? Did any one ever even check whether he had a green card or not? Did he speak English?

Well anyway, as th race heats up; among th candidates there's adesperate frenzy to get their message out as quickly as possible, cuz, remember, boyz and gurlz, th ELECTION IS ONLY 19 MONTHS AWAY!!!!

Before ya even know it, it'll be November 08', and a lot of us will be a year and a half older then.

You silly gooses! ya prolly thought it was next week didn't ya? haha. Nope, th jokes on you! But listen here kids, even tho ya still got 19 months left to make up yer minds, it's not too early to arrange yer transportation to th polls. Have ya thought bout that yet? How ya gonna get to th polls? Don't be a procrastinator and wait til th last minute on this, OK!

th cap'm

Subject: Early Experience With Th Movie Serial
Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 4:11 PM

Earlier today I sent a copy to a friend of a review I wrote back in 04' of a movie serial called Flash Gordon Conquers The Universe. This 12-part serial was made in ‘39 or early ‘40, I believe.

It brought back a memory of th very first movie serial I ever saw. This was about 46' or 47' and I was five or six at th time, and it was about a jungle boy, and he lived in this rilly cool tree house all by himself, but he had a lotta animal friends that he would talk to and play with, so he wasn't lonely at all.

Man, talk about livin th Life of Riley--- livin in a tree house, not havin to go to school and stuff, jus playin all day long with your animal friends, boy it don't get no better than that, huh!?

But one day as th jungle boy was skippin thru th jungle, without a care in th world, all of a sudden he fell into this camouflaged pit, and try as he might, he couldn't get out. So he called out to one of his chimp friends to get him some help, but then, this huge hungry tiger saw him trapped there in th bottom of th pit, and th tiger heard th dinner bell ring I guess, cus he jumped right down into th pit.
And th damned thing ended there.

Man to say I was bitterly disappointed and bummed out, doesn't begin to cover my feelings of loss and betrayal. Th damned thing ended with th jungle boy gettin eaten by th tiger. Whut a dumb story! Who wants to watch somthin like that?

It was only later when I told an uncle, in tears, bout th fate of th jungle boy, and how bummed out I was, that my uncle said,

"Bummed out? What does that mean?"

And I said, "Well, y'know, like, it was jus a real downer fer me, ya dig?"

And my uncle said,

"Charles, stop talkin gibberish."

And I told im to hang around fer twenty more years and it would be clearer.

Well anyway, Uncle Benny splained to me that it didn't end there. But I told im tho that I saw th tiger jumpin down into th pit, and there was no way th kid coulda gotten away but, again, he splained that th story went on and on and that somehow th jungle boy did escape th clutches of death.

Whew. That was good news! I felt a lot better then, tho I still can't figure how he escaped.

Still I felt there shoulda been some kinda disclaimer tho, hippin young peoples such as myself, that that wasn't actually th end of th story, and it was all jus a ruse to keep us comin back fer more, cuz they wanted us to buy more popcorn and drinks and candy and stuff, to fuel th Economy and keep th engines of Democracy and Capitalism churning at max performance. But, hey, I was jus lookin fer some "transparency," ya dig!

th cap'm

Subject: Go Yer Own Way
Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 2:55 AM

When Th Cosmos Speaks, Fuck it. I got my own Agenda. Like, I came home a few minutes ago and was watchin some show on th Teevee bout hot dogs, and fer some unknown reason, I decided to have one.

Went to my fridge and I had a package of some Oscar Meyers' All-Beef franks there, that, well, I've had fer some time now.

Actually, they were expired, some time ago, but I wanted a hot dog, so fuck small details like expiration dates, eh!

So, in transferrin th dog to th radar range, I accidentally dropped it on th floor.

OK, now, dig this! My floors not reel clean, Ok, but, I had developed a hankerin fer that dog and I also figured a short time in th “system” would kill any small critters that may have attached themselves there, and decided to make that their home.

So, when th "all clear" sounded, I removed th dog, but unfortunately, I accidentally dropped it again between th range and th table, Sheeit, Oh well, I rubbed it clean on my jeans. There reely wasn't all that much debris there.

I sat th paper plate with my dog on it on th table, but then, dammit it, I don't know how, y'unnerstan, but I accidentally knocked it on th floor again, fer th third time in a matter of minutes. I had visions of multitudes of tiny dudes crawlin all about it now.

It seemed like some one, or some kinda cosmic Force was tryin to send me a message,

"Leave Th Fuckin Dog Be!! Have A Cookie Instead!" or somthin along those lines.

Three times, th dog went to th floor! Th signs seemed clear enuff.

"Yeah, Yeah, I hear ya, I can take a hint!"

but.......on th other hand, I had already decided I wanted a dog, and not to be denied by petty little vague messages from th Cosmos,

I lathered that dude up with some mustard, and ....Poof! It was gone in a flash!!
Fuck a bunch of cooties and meaningless expiration dates, and silly messages, y'know whut ahm sayin!!

Do what'cha gotta do!

And, it was right tasty too, boyz and gurlz!

th cap'm

Subject: RE: John Edwards. Ooops
Date: Monday, March 26, 2007 7:49 PM

Curses! I was just informed that John Edwards was no longer a Senator. How did I not know that? Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa. Damn, that little detail kinda takes th air outta my sails, cus I alluded to his role as Senator several times.

I wrote these glaring errors among others based on the erroneous assumption he still held that seat.

"And I would wager his Senate seat would be safe fer some time to come." (obviously waay off base there)

and I wrote further,

"He admits, that in th end, it's his family thas most important to him, and tho he will continue to serve as a Senator....."

and as I re-read my bit, I mentioned his role as Senator several more times. As Katic Couric might well ask,

"What in the world were you thinking at the time?" Sheeit. I dunno. But I was informed thusly,

****************

"That would all be great, except for the slight technicality that Mr. Edwards failed to win re-election as Senator.

By the way, I've been working on my impression of John Edwards; it's pretty easy to do — I just stand in front of a mirror and fuss with my hair for 20 minutes!

Cheers, ST"

******************

Aw'right then, jus forget all that non-sense I jus babbled. Lemme jus be brief here and condense what I said earlier, fergettin all references to and about, "Senator" Edwards.

I think th man's decision to stay in th Presidential race is th action of a crass selfish, self-serving, narcissistic un-pricipled ego-maniac, with no regard fer his family!

And let it go at that.

th cap'm

Subject: Blind Unfettered Ambition; John Edwards Stays In Race
Date: Monday, March 26, 2007 3:42 PM

I watched th interview on 60 Minutes last nite with John Edwards and his wife. But before I get into that, how bout that Katie Couric? Man, that gurl rilly knows how to do an interview, huh, like,

"What was going thru your mind when you realised her cancer had returned?"

Whew! No wonder she gets paid th Big Bucks? You wouldn't get that kind of hard-hittin probing question from yer run-of-th-mill, ordinary, every day hack journalist would ya? Hey, ya ever notice Katie's forehead and face. Smooth as a cue ball. Not a wrinkle anywhere. It looks weird to me. Is she a real person, or is she some kinda automaton?

OK, never mind; ferget Katie. Let's talk about that narcissistic, ego-maniacal prick John Edwards. This is a guy who feels a compelling need to give service to this great nation of ours. And this is also a great nation who deserves to have John Edwards service em. So it works out great fer everybody, see whut I mean?!

In spite of his wife's cancer, John wants to "give back" so fucking bad to this great nation that he's willing to be President to do so. Oh sure, it might be tuff on th little lady out on th campaign trail, but they both agreed that she could do it. She's a trucker. They are a tuff, optimistic couple, who are determined not to let her cancer get in th way of his desire "to serve" this great nation. And that works out good fer th country too.

After all, it's not about Him, ya see; it's about giving back to th peoples of this great nation, who deserve no less than him. I mean, he keeps sayin that he just wants to serve th Amerikan peoples, thas why he's continuing to run in spite of this little obstacle. This little obstacle bein th fact his wife has incurable cancer. I guess bein a United States Senator isn't service enuff fer him. Nooo, th Amerikan peoples deserve more than that. He's gotta be President!! Meanwhile his wife is sittin there beaming at his every utterance. Man, I want some of that shit some body fed her, cus, like, if they hit ya up with some of that: if an 18 wheeler ran over ya, ya'd be laffin and gigglin bout it, like,

"Whoooeee, turn around man, c'mon back! Do it again, cuz I think ya missed a few bones. har har."

If ya watched this dog and pony show, ya woulda thought this happy, shit-eatin grinnin couple had just won th lottery, instead of discussing th ramifications of her cancer, vis a vis his presidential ambitions. I was expectin her to offer Katie some iced tea and crumpets any second.

Excuse me; but what kinda prick we got here?

OK, looky here. when yer spouse has incurable cancer, ya remove yerself from th campaign!!

I wouldn't think it would take a whole lot of soul searchin to come to that decision. I think thas what any honorable, decent, person would, oughta, should do! Altho ya might make an exception fer Hillary Clinton here. Ha ha.

I mean, it's not like this is his last hurrah here. Th dude prolly has 4-5 more presidential elections left, so what's th rush? Well, um, he wants to be President! And he wants it now!! Does that answer yer question?

OK, now looky here, here's two possible scenarios I see that would work.

Scenario # Uno: He announces that as a result of his wife's cancer, he is droppin outta th race, so he can spend more time with her and th chirrun. Absolutely no one would criticize him fer that. As a matter of fact, peoples would applaud him fer his noble, selfless action. And I would wager his Senate seat would be safe fer some time to come. At some point in th future, after she has succumbed, and after a decent interval, he gets back into national politics, and announces he's running fer President.

His peoples then play th "Family Values" card to th hilt. In his speeches, with out referrin directly to his own sacrifice, he constantly comes on strong fer "family values" and he also mentions often, how his strong Faith enabled him to over come Adversity. How could any one proclaim to have more "family values" than a man who relinquished his Presidential Ambitions fer his family, fr'chrissake?

Talk about "family values"? Top that fuckers! Th dude would pick up lotsa peoples on that one issue alone, who might not normally vote fer him. He would a tuff candidate to beat.

Scenario # 2: A way to extricate himself gracefully from a bad decision. As th campaign goes on, and he doesn't make significant strides, or perhaps his wife's condition worsens faster than expected, he tearfully announces one day, that in spite of his pledge to carry on regardless of his situation, he sez it's just too much, that he cannot in good conscience continue, while his wife and chirrun need him now, especially now!

He admits, that in th end, it's his family thas most important to him, and tho he will continue to serve as a Senator, he must now bow out of th race to devote his time and energy to his family. Once again, he's th recipient of many accolades fer his noble sacrifice in th name of his family, and he'll reap those rewards th next time he throws his hat in th ring. And I doubt he would catch too much grief fer breaking his promise to see it thru to th end, eh. I don't think many peoples would try to hang th "flip-flopper" jacket on him fer that.

But, y'know whut, since I'm not one of his political consultants, he's not gonna hear this advice. Besides, that prick's Ambition to be President would over ride any one who might suggest such a scenario to him anyway. Cuz, he wants to "serve" and be President, goddamit.

th cap'm

Subject: govt. truism
Date: Sunday, March 25, 2007 4:02 PM

From my friend Judy G.

**************

"Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.....
but then I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain

Right on Mr. Clemens!

th cap'm

Subject: A Voice From Out of Th Past
Date: Monday, March 19, 2007 8:23 PM

I was visitin my mom Sunday and she told me she had just received a phone call from an old friend of hers from years ago. Check this out. She had not heard from or anything about this lady since 1942!

SIXTY-FIVE YEARS AGO!!! Ya dig!

Can you believe that!? 65 years!! Wow. They had been best friends in high school and had kept in touch fer several years afterwards, until th War (fer you younger folks, that would be WW11) and had then lost touch. Thas amazin to me. I mean, thas a long damn time, y'know whut I mean. And my mom said she recognized that lady's voice too. Ha ha

Now, back in 2000, I went to a H.S. reunion in Las Vegas from th high school I graduated from, H.H. Arnold, in Wiesbaden, Germany, in 1959. This was an Amerikan school fer th kids of Amerikan military and civilian workers. Because most of us were from military families, and had come from all over th US prior to goin to Germany, and then scattered all over when we left, dependin on where our fathers were re-assigned, we didn't have five year or ten year re-unions like a lot of peoples do. We didn't have no re-unions at all. Nope. So, it was hard to keep in touch with friends. After a few years of writin, more and more infrequently, eventually ya lost touch all together.

But in th last 10-15 years, thru th magic of th Internet, peoples began to find one another and started gettin together every few years. This had been goin on fer a while before I found out about it in 2000. (They couldn't keep these gatherings from me a secret forever. Ha ha. Once again, Nixon was involved in th suppression of info. But thru th FOI Act, I was able to discover Las Vegas to be th location of th next gatherin of th tribe, and so I was there too)

Well, it was actually quite enjoyable seein folks you hadn't seen or heard from in 40+ years. Man, y'know, a lot of those peoples had aged in th intervenin 40 years. I was surprised. I mean, I hadn't of course, but a lot of them had! They'd gotten older. I didn't recognize a lot of em, and I guess a lot of em didn't recognize me either, cuz I noticed as I approached different groups, th group would jus kinda dissolve an melt away when I got there, and I would be left standin there, by myself, holdin my crack pipe, with no one to share it with. Well, sheeit, no sweat GI, more rocks fer me, eh!

But I did manage to corner a few peoples, by cuttin off their lanes of retreat (hey I've read a military history book or two. I know my tactics) And so, with no choice of egress, I managed to rap with a few of em. And with a long gap like that, it left a lot of conversational ground to catch up on, y'know, like.

"So, like, what chu been up to these past 40 years, eh?"

And so then, ya heard bout th births, deaths, marriages, divorces, kids, business successes and failures, operations, wars, triumphs and tragedies, boo boo's and skinned knees, etc, y'know, th kinda stuff that goes on over 40 years of time. It's a lotta ground to cover, and ya can only scratch th surface, y'know whut I mean. But it was fun tryin.

I was thinkin today of my mom and that lady tryin to cover everything that had gone down in their lives since 1942. Whew! Now thas a challenge duke!

th cap'm

Subject: Caveat Doper Emptor
Date: Monday, March 19, 2007 3:59 PM

From: capthoohah@webtv.net Thu, Jan 14, 1999, 5:18pm (CDT-1)
*****************
OK, ya'll, I wrote this some many years ago, but was reminded of it by some absurdity I just read in th past few days.
*******************
This is a Latin expression which means, "Let the dope smoker beware!" Just this past Sat. I read an article in the paper about a guy from St. Louis. In 1992 he used a butcher knife to stab his wife to death. However, he was found Not Guilty by reason of Insanity, because his doctors said the killing, get this, "resulted from a brief psychotic episode brought on by his withdrawal from marijuana".

See, kids, had he checked himself into a sanctioned de-tox center, he and his wife would probably be enjoying conjugal bliss, even as I pen this. This is a good example of why they always tell you not to try this at home.

Well anyway, while he was in the state hospital getting treatment, I guess he got bored because he walked away one day. After being apprehended, he recently was sentenced to the maximum 5 years in the state joint for walking away from the hospital. I find it kind of amusing that they would send him to a mental hospital for murdering his wife, but then send him to a state prison for escaping from said hospital. Ha ha. Doesn't make much sense to me. But then there's a lot about the Criminal Justice System that doesn't make any sense, eh.

"I deeply regret the decision" he said, because, he realized that fleeing the hospital "was contrary to law."

So, when he finishes serving his prison bit for walking away from the hospital, (a heinous crime, don't you agree) he will be returned back to the mental hospital so that he may continue receiving his treatment, so that in the future, he will avoid stabbing peoples to death because he can't get his marijuana "fix".

By the way. this dudes name was...... Lloyd Grass! No kidding. I'm not smokin' you. Ha ha. Is that a trip, or what! Let this be a lesson to all you "potheads" out there who say,

"Chill. It's only Marijuana. No Big Deal!"

Tell that to Lloyd Grass. Tell that to his late wife, Sherry Grass.

So, the next time you get that phone call where your connection gives you that dreaded message, you know, the one we all live in mortal fear of.

"Hey man, the deal didn't go down!"

When the realization sinks in that you're not going to get that quarter OZ you were counting on, your knees go weak and you start shaking, your hearts' palpitating, your joints are aching, you begin hyper-ventilating, your throat becomes dry, your body is sweating, you feel like you have a temperature of 105. Fuck the de-tox Center. I know! I know! I said earlier not to try this at home, BUT, like, you don't have time for that de-tox Center shit right now dude.

This is a stone fucking Emergency. You dig!? Don't jack around.

Call a friend...... immediately.........and have them lock you up in a room. (like in, The Man with a Golden Arm) Be sure that the room has been properly "sanitized", i.e., all sharp objects have been removed, so that you won't begin stabbing them about the head and shoulders "in a brief psychotic episode", and then ride it out for the next four or five days.

Eventually, you will begin to feel like a human being again. You will emerge out of the fog, and the sun will be shining and the birds singing, and you will be glad to be alive again. I'm thinking of writing a song about all this, for the sake of our youth called,

"The Ballad of Lloyd and Sherry Grass",

an ode to lost Innocence and shattered dreams, brought on by the scourge of Marijuana Addiction. Whadda ya think? For those of you who may be inspired to give up the Evil Devil Weed altogether, as a result of this tragic, but true tale, you may send the remains of your stash to me. Because...if I might be so bold as to be brutally candid, I'm needing

a joint right now.....BAD!! Really! Square biz! I mean.....Reeeaaal BAAAD!

Yours in the throes,

th cap'm

Subject: St. Patty's Day Celebration
Date: Sunday, March 18, 2007 3:13 AM

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't go out tonite. Yep, not only did I stay home on a Saturday nite, it was a St. Patty's Day Saturday nite to boot!
Some nites, if I stay home, I find myself wonderin,

"Gee, I wonder whut I missed tonite?"

But tonite I know exactly what I missed. Thas why I stayed home!!

Holidays like St. Patty's, New Years Eve, Mardi Gras, etc, bring th rookies outta th woodwork. These critters are mostly younger peoples who don't get out all that much. Check out th scene Monday nite if ya don't believe me. 90% of tonite's revellers will be knockin back Z's by ten o'clock.

So, on those special occasions, such as this, when they do get out, they feel like they must make it memorable. They gotta act stupid and do dumb things so, y'know, like, they'll have a St.Patty's story to trade with others of their ilk on Monday. Y'know, they gotta get crazy, and foolish, and obnoxious and outta control, otherwise they might just as well stayed home. And fer some reason, I think peoples get nuttier on St. Patty's Day than any other day, New Years included. It's expected! St. Patty's Day seems to be more about gettin goofy and RAISIN HELL, than just gettin drunk and havin a good time. And th problem is they insist that you get jus as stupid as they are!

"Hey, whassa matter with you man? How come yer not havin a good time too?

C'mon, man, it's St. Patty's Day. Yeeeehaw! C'mon, get with it!"

In other words, how come yer not yellin and screamin and actin like a dumb fuckin teenager gettin drunk yer first time too?!

Sheeit in th last 50 years, I've already been drunk prolly 15,000 times at least, so at this stage of th game, it's kinda hard to get real excited bout gettin drunk fer St. Patty's Day. Or New Years, or Cinco de Mayo, or July 4th, or Fat Tuesday, or my birthday, or yer birthday, or anybody's else's birthday, or any damn thing else peoples use as an excuse to get drunk on....cuz I'm gonna get drunk anyway! Y'dig. Don't reely need a reason, it's jus what I do.

I jus like to do it more quietly now.

th cap'm

P.S. Still tho, in spite of my reasons and rationale fer stayin in tonite, I can't shake this naggin, guilty feelin I shoulda been there!

Subject: Muscular Dystrophy
Date: Thursday, March 15, 2007 3:17 PM

Last nite, sittin in th saloon, I'm watchin th news, readin th captions, and they're talkin bout some ordinance to try and curb panhandling. And this news mook was sayin,

"......but firefighters are opposed to the ordinance because they fear it might interfere with their annual efforts to raise money for Jerry's kids, meanwhile....."

And I thought to myself,

"Say whut? Who is is this Jerry dude? And why do firefighters give a shit about his kids anyway?"

And then of course it hit me, I guess they must be talkin bout kids with muscular dystrophy. Oh wait, thas right, they don't say kids with muscular dystrophy any more, they call em "Jerry's kids" now! Y'know, like, th doctor sez,

"I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs Jones to tell you this, but your son has been diagnosed as being one of Jerry's kids."

Remember th annual telthon started as,

"The Muscular Dystrophy Telethon". Then it became,

"The Muscular Dystrophy Telethon with Jerry Lewis."

Then it became, "The Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon."
now it's just "The Jerry Lewis Telethon."

Ya notice th progression there? They don't even bother with that Muscular Dystrophy stuff any more, cuz now it's all about "Jerry's kids".

That fuckin asshole has so hijacked th whole muscular dystrophy gig, that even on local news, instead of referrin to muscular dystrophy, they talk instead bout

"Jerry's kids." Sheeit.

And when peoples are heapin th praise and accolades on Jerry fer all th good he's done fer "His kids", while he stands there doin his, "Oh shucks, me?" and "Oh pshaw!" bit, they refer to him as "the legendary comedian, Jerry Lewis".

Legendary? haha Sheeit, whut fuckin 'legend' are they talkin bouts any way? Tell me somthin. after ya turned 10-11, did Jerry Lewis ever say anything again that made ya laugh? I mean, that big buck-toothed baby act he played with Dean Martin, where he talked in that high pitched squeaky voice like a spoiled brat retarded 6 year old and would leap into Dean's arms, wore kinda thin bout th time ya hit 10. Y'know whut I mean?!

I jus wish Jerry would haul his legendary ass off to France where they regard him as a "comic genius", no less!

(and then th froggies wonder why no one will take them seriously bout anything? haha)

th cap'm

P.S. I'd like to lock Jerry, and Mel and Jack Nicholson in a room with only a dozen bottles of Mad Dog to sustain em and watch th sparks fly! Ego-fuckin-maniacs!!

Subject: Mother of All Myths of Amerikan Myths
Date: Thursday, March 15, 2007 2:00 PM

So, what is th Biggest Myth of em all? That would be th Right To Vote! And of course this is one of th bedrocks of Democracy and also one of it's biggest fallacies. Th fairy tale goes, and we are taught this early in Life and it is rammed into our heads and consciousness like a broken record: if ya don't like th curs in office, why then ya can exercise yer right to vote and vote em out!! Thas how a Democracy works. Isn't that beautiful!!

And th populace, havin been brainwashed and indoctrinated in this myth their entire life, puts up with a lotta crap based on this one belief, like,

"Well if things get rilly bad, sheeit, we'll just vote th scalliwags out!"

And of course th Powers that Be want ya to cling to that notion. It keeps ya from rioting and forming Revolutions and stuff like that, cus peoples believe in th Power of their Vote to change things and don't feel they have to resort to extreme solutions like that, when in fact, in real life, yer vote is naught more than a meaningless, symbolic gesture that carries no weight at all!! Yer vote changes absolutely nothin! As Mr. Natural would say,

"It don't mean sheeit."

Now, I personally have not been allowed to vote since 1963, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn! If my civil rights were restored tomorrow, I still wouldn't waste my time with it and I'm not jivin ya either. I know, I know, for those of ya who do vote this sounds like blasphemy, but rilly, it's not like I'm alone in this kinda thinking. I might express it more vocally than others perhaps, but just stop and look at th numbers. There's mo plenty Apathy out there in th Amerikan electorate. And ya know why? Cuz other peoples see th Futility of it all too. Besides everything else, there's a strong feeling that it doesn't make a helluva lotta difference anyway who gets in there, cuz they're all from th same School of Mutherfuckers.

There is no better example of th futility and meaninglessness of th vote
than th 2000 election. Remember how that one went down?

A half million more Amerikans voted for Al Gore than Geo. Bush! 500,000
+.

So..... who became President?

Not th guy who garnered th most votes, but th other fucker, cus he had th connections via his daddy in th Supreme Court to steal th election. So, all those peoples who voted for their man Gore got screwed too. Their vote didn't mean a godam thing, cuz even tho their guy got more votes, he still lost th election. Ha ha.

How then could any one of those millions who voted fer Gore still argue that their vote was important and had any significance? Every last one of em wasted their time that day. It was all fer absolutely NADA!

But peoples like to cling to their fantasies.They're taught that one must participate in th meaningless rituals, otherwise they're not good citizens, and if they don't go cast their completely worthless vote, then they can't criticize anything, cuz they didn't participate. What utter Bullshit.

Cuz all it took was th vote of just 5 peoples on th Supreme Court to null and void th Will of th Peoples. But don't let little details like that dismay you boyz and gurls, cuz, remember, we live in a Democracy and,

YER VOTE IS IMPORTANT!

(well if yer a member of th Supreme Court, that is)

th cap'm

Subject: Two Important Holidays To Ponder
Date: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 8:04 PM

OK, ya'll today is Happy Pi Day. I know all you mathematicians already knew this but th rest of us dummies sometimes forget.

3-14 get it?

Then tomorrow is Happy Ides of March Day. I would suggest you keep yer wits about you, keep a close eye on yer friends and stay th hell away from th Senate.
And if you should spot Brutas heading in yer direction, I'd bust a few caps in his ass before he get's in shankin distance of ya.

Better to be a bit paranoid than Dead, eh!

th cap'm

Subject: Scandal at Walter Reed and Other VA Hospitals
Date: Thursday, March 8, 2007 2:19 PM

The situation at WR does not surprise me in the least. It is so typical of the difference between the rhetoric this bumbling, hypocritical, corrupt administration has put out and the actual deeds it performs. It's like night and day.

Of course you've heard the phrase the Administration has been touting over and over again to silence their critics and bolster their own support?

"SUPPORT THE TROOPS!"

If anyone criticized their policies, they were accused of not "supporting the troops", as in,

"So, you say you're against the war? What you're really saying is that you don't support the troops huh, ya fuckin traitor!"

Speech after speech, you heard em all talking bout supporting the troops. It was impossible to get thru one speech without bein challenged to "support th troops." Yet, these are the same exact assholes who sent these troops into combat with inadequate armored vehicles, no body armor, etc. In other words, not properly equipped. When you see guyz welding makeshift pieces of steel to their vehicles for a bit more protection, and you have their families sending them body armor thru the mail, you can safely conclude something's woefully wrong. And then you had that arrogant mutherfucker Rumsfeld, brushing off the criticism like he was swatting away an annoying insect, defending themselves saying,

"You go to War with the Army you have, not the one you'd like to have!"

What bullshit! What utter fucking bullshit!

While you may have to Defend yourself with the army you've got, because you're being attacked; that's understandable. You weren't expecting it. But when you plan a war for many months on end in advance, before you attack, then it's your godam fault if they not properly equipped. There's no excuse for that! But they didn't give a shit bout the small details like that. They jus wanted to go in as fast as possible and save the world from a brutal dictator who had many weapons of mass destruction he might use on us at any second, thus justifying the urgency.
I cannot even listen to their phony hypocritical bullshit any more. Tell me, is that fucking George Bush still repeating his absurd mantra?

"The World is a safer place today because we got rid of Saddam!"

And how did those assholes actually support the troops themselves? Those 'shot callers'? Those peoples spouting all the inane, banal patriotic slogans, bout supporting the troops?

Well, in gratitude for their service to their country, coming home maimed and injured, they stuck them in deplorable, unsanitary, retched conditions, with unconscionable delays for those needing specialized treatment and making them haggle and fight the military bureaucracy over their compensation, and every other little thing that came up and, in the meantime, their families are barely subsisting hand to mouth.

"Thanks guys, and we support you, and excuse me but I'm really busy now. If you will fill out these forms in triplicate, and send then thru the proper channels, maybe we can schedule a doctor to take a look at that stump in the next six months. And frankly, since you've still got three major appendages left, a 25 % disability ought to take care of you nicely. Think of that, 500 bucks a month and you don't even have to do a thing for it."

And these are the "support the troops" crowd!?

It's just so fucking nauseating it makes one want to vomit with disgust. I'm telling you, the arrogant, insensitive attitude of these Bastards pisses me off so bad, I can barely talk about in in a civilized manner, instead of "going off".

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'm Counts Another Culinary Coup
Date: Wednesday, March 7, 2007 9:06 PM

Yes boyz and gurlz, It was mighty exciting around th crib here yesterday. Mighty Exciting! I finally managed to pull off a feat that has been eludin me fer years.

Whut I did wuz; I did up, quite successfully, a roast prime rib that actually turned out to be ooooh soooo Delicious! As I took each bite, I said to myself,

"Mnnnnn, wow, this is actually quite tasty!"

and then I would beam smugly for a bit, and then repeat the process, beamin some more. I wuz beamin all over th place. It's a shame there wuzn't anyone else to share in my beamin. Of course they would have to have been content simply 'beam sharing', cuz being th kind of selfish prick I am...NO WAY wuz I gonna share my prime rib itself. After all these years of futile effort? Sheeit no! I'm bogartin this rib roast fer myself!! So, like, if ya should jus happen to be in th neighborhood, there's no point on knockin on my door cuz I ain't acceptin any free loadin guests til this dude is all gone.

So, how did I climb this Mt. Everest of th cookin game?, Well, after rubbin th seasonings on, I put th roast in an uncovered pan into a preheated 500 degree oven fer ten minutes per pound, then turned th oven off and let it continue to cook fer th next hour. Yum, yum yum. Not only was th meat tender and medium rare, but th 'jus' was superb. I think besides a good cookin technique, my secret seasonings had a lot to do with it's success.

Whut seasonings did I use? Sorry, but my lips are sealed! Ya realize of course that th only way I could share those with ya would be under threat of torture. Although in reality, ya wouldn't have to actually go thru with th torture cuz the very threat itself would be sufficient to break me down. Jus mention pullin my fingernails out and I'll be spewin out secret ingredients faster than ya can write em down. I guess I wouldn't have made a very good captured spy, eh! No matter! I have my culinary accomplishments to mark my passing!

th cap't

Subject: Clarification Of My Suggestions On Illegal Aliens
Date: Monday, March 5, 2007 12:32 PM

A number of peoples have written me concerning their confusion over my idea to limit illegl aliens. I don't know what is so hard to understand? It seems like a pretty straight forward solution to me.

You see, th aliens I was referrin to come here in UFO's, thus th plastic bubble would effectively restrict their entry. And as fer those already here, we can simply round em up and ship em all back to Mars.

Whut's so hard to understand bout that?

th cap'm

Subject: Another Food Myth Bites The Dust
Date: Monday, March 5, 2007 3:05 AM

Hey ya'll, I guess ya knew that recent studies have disproved th widely held notion that supplements of Vitamin A, C, and E were good fer ya. But contrary to th many health claims th makers of those supplements have been proclaimin fer so many years, they found them to be virtually worthless. They found no benefits to them of any kind.

Just thought ya should know. Dammit. I threw several bottles of C and E out myself. Hardly seemed any point in goin thru th daily ritual of downin em any more.

Now comes this!

Did'ja happen to see in th last couple of days, where a large study was done, to assess th validity of th commonly held belief that garlic was very healthy for ya. Garlic lovers have been waxing ecstatic for years about th health aspects of eatin lotsa garlic.

This researchers used some 15,000 peoples in their study and th results were published in th Amerikan Journal of Medicine. They discovered that, there is absolutely no connection between garlic consumption and yer cholesterol level!!! NADA, none!!

And furthermore, they also found that garlic has no beneficial effects WHATSOEVER on yer heart.

So boyz and gurlz, if ya like garlic, well sheeit, so what, continue eating it then, jus don't expect to be gettin any particular health benefits from it. Jus enjoy th taste sensations ya get from it.

And if ya don't particularly like it, but have been eatin it cuz you thought it would help lower your cholesterol level, or help yer heart in some way. now you can stop!! Don't waste yer time, cuz it never did ya a bit of fookin good to begin with.

But ya know what, garlic lovers will continue to believe that that garlic is doin em some extra good, in spite of what some silly research study sez. Cus when peoples believe somthin strongly enuff, in spite of evidence to th contrary right in front of em, yer not gonna change their minds. Like, take supporters of The Leader, fr'instance. Same thing.

th cap'm

Subject: Russ (I hate to admit it)
Date: Sunday, March 4, 2007 4:22 PM

My friend Judy sent this to me. It pains me dearly to pass it on, cuz I despise Rush Limbaugh, and hate to promote him in any kind of way, but I do mostly agree with him here. Not in hs premise of an "entitled" Society, but specifically in his thoughts about th 9/11 survivors and th comparisons to military familes

*******************

Please read; because,whether you love him or loathe him, he truly nailed this one right on the head....

THIS...is JUSTICE?

by Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty, and those who die serving our country in uniform, are profound. No one is really talking about it either; because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers just pass by; because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country.

If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million...

However; if you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a big $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. But our military men allow themselves to be put in harm's way FOR ALL OF US , and they and their families know the dangers.... ( a willing sacrifice...)

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation, as well.

You do see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East, while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make any sense?

However, our own Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month! ( And most are now equal to being millionaires plus.) They do not receive Social Security on retirement, because they didn't have t o pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, while the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month...

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks, before they start cutting out more benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting!

When do we finally do something about this? If this doesn't seem fair to you, it is time to forward this to as many people as you can.

*******************

I wrote Judy back.

Well Judy as much as I vehemently loathe Rush Limbaugh, I agree with him 100% on this one. Most of the peoples killed on 9/11 were doing pretty good. of course the janitors and peoples in menial jobs weren't, but many of them, being investment brokers, etc, were very wealthy. and the wealthier they were the more their families got.

The first time i heard about them getting all that money i couldn't believe it. it just goes to show you the power and clout these people had. if 3,000 peoples in Harlem had been killed, do you think for one second, any of them would be getting a thin dime? nah, not a chance.

It's no wonder those other peoples, (Oklahoma City, embassy bombings) seeing the kind of cash the 9/11 survivors have managed to squeeze out of their misfortune, wouldn't try and jump on the gravy train too.

and then when you compare it to what the members of a military family get, when their loved one dies in actual combat, instead of in an office building, it makes you want to break something. bad!! in a lot of small pieces.

While I feel sorry for those who lost loved one's on 9/11, I don't have one whit of sympathy for them in their push to get compensation for it. Give every military family their just compensation, FIRST, then we'll think about it.

th cap'm

Subject: Illegal Alien Solution
Date: Saturday, March 3, 2007 6:49 PM

One simple way to control illegal aliens would be to put a big plastic bubble around the earth. Problem solved.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Katie, Th Weather Creep
Date: Friday, March 2, 2007 4:06 PM

Just a few comments from some peoples vis a vis th weather reports, this from David in New Yawk.

****************

I first heard “we're efforting that” years ago on the Don Imus program. his producer, Bernard, would use that phrase to describe his progress in reaching out to someone Imus wanted to talk with. Then Istarted hearing it on cable news talk shows, not often, but once in a while. Now Iguess it's made its way to local tv. can schools be far behind?

**************************************

Then this from Ms. Dorothy,

"Weather Circus" is an understatement.What a buffoon! Katie Horner is topped in idiocy only by Laura Moritz on Channel 9. I watch Larry Moore sit there and cringe at her mis-pronunciations, and obvious lack of knowledge regarding the content of her reporting.

************************

And then, th Stu View,

By the way, Patricia Self's take on trying to correct misuse of English by TV-types is EXACTLY like my own; I have tried to do EXACTLY the same thing! Her comments sound like I wrote them myself!! But I won't write her to tell her that!

***********************

OK, boyz and gurlz, whadda yew think?

th cap'm

Subject: Katie Horner, Weather Princess Seer, And Bore Me To Tears
Date: Friday, March 2, 2007 4:07 AM

Did ya happen to catch Katie doin her weather circus last nite? That damned Channel 5 is th worst of them all. Those assholes will interrupt regular programming to tell ya that hail was reported in W. Kansas, and then she'll track that storm all th way across Kansas and won't stop til it's in St. Louie.

We will hear bout th possible tornado on th ground, 30 degrees S.W. of Lone Jack, which on further investigation turned out to be naught more than a sheet blowin in th wind. haha. But no matter, no detail is too small fer Katie to share with us. We'll watch th endless swirlings of red, yellow and green patterns movin across th screen, which I don't think even they know what they mean, while she babbles about 'rotations' in th upper clouds.

I was lyin here on th sofa readin and th TV was on and she was droning and blaherin away like she does and I thought I heard her say,

"We are effer to contact th patrol officer in Harrisonvile."

But since I was readin, I didn't hear exactly what she said, but it didn't make any sense to me. A few minutes later I had put th book down and was payin attention now and she said once again,

"We are still efffer to make contact with that officer and I will let you know as soon as we do"

I thought to myself, "What in th hell is she sayin?" and since I had th TV set to display th captions, I waited a second so I could read what she said, and she had said this,

"We are still efforting to make contact blah, blah, blah."

Efforting? Efforting? Say what?! Well, listenin to her I thought she had said somethin like that, but that didn't make any sense!! Pray tell, what kinda fookin word is that anyway? Did she just make up that word on th spot, cus she said it twice within th space of five minutes. I've never heard th noun 'effort' used as a verb before! Have you?

Is she tryin to introduce a brand new word into th language all by herself. Will we hear Katie efforting to use that word as much as possible in th future?

Man, those peoples at channel Five! What is with them anyway? I spose ya've read or heard where th news director at 5 is leavin town fer greener pastures. This is th same mook who brought us,

"LIVE!! LATE BREAKING! INVESTIGATIVE!!"

This is th guy who just about single-handedly put "tabloid" into th news here in KC. And because their ratings soared at 5 with his sensationalists type news programming, all th other stations copied em, which is why th local news today is th way it is.

Larry Moore from Channel 9, said he hoped that maybe, some day, th news would return to bein 'th news' again, instead of th pap we get right now.
But I doubt it. It's pretty hard to get that toothpaste back in th tube after ya've squeezed it out, eh! I doubt if any station in town could actually produce a real, authentic 20 minute news show? Cuz now, th news is robberies, drive-bys, carjackings, assaults, murders, rilly good accidents, fires, meth lab explosions, prostitution stings, and y'know, news in that mayhem mode. Everything else is jus, like, ho-hum.

th cap'm

Subject: Bumper Stickers
Date: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 3:55 PM

My good buddy, Ms Dorothy (no, not that Dorothy you dolt) sent this to me. If you are one of those folks who is still enamored of The Leader, I suggest ya tell th orderly ya wanna play with some blocks or somethin. Jus try and keep yerself busy fer a few minutes, OK?! Remember, today is Wednesday. They have vanilla ice cream every Wednesday. Remember!?

Aw'right, fer th rest of ya'll, check these out. Pretty damned funny. Most of em are reely good, but I found #10 especially so. You gotta a favorite?

***********************

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

******************

Y'know boyz and gurlz, 35 years ago I could not have imagined ever sayin this; th scenario that mighta prompted it was not comprehensible to me then, but, that was then! I'm gonna say it here in 2007,

I'D RATHER HAVE NIXON!!

(gasp) There! I said it!! Blasphemy, ya say? I know, I know, but damn....and I know what yer thinkin too. Like, how could I say such a thing, considerin th many conspiracies th Dick launched against me; like, fr'instance, that nite, in th heavy rain storm, comin outta th Brooksider after closin time, when his scurvy minions stole my clutch pedal and super-glued my ignition, leavin me unable to egress th premises.

Then they tried to whitewash th whole affair and tried to put th blame on me! But th fact I was in th wrong car at th time was jus a minor issue. They tried to use that little inconsequential detail (so, I was in th wrong car, BFD) to muddy th investigative waters; ya know how they do that shit!! And it's rilly immaterial, that when I did eventually find my car, which wasn't so hard to do tho, since it was th only other car in th parking lot, that th clutch pedal was still there and I was able to put th key in th ignition. What an utterly sad comment on th situation today, that I would opt out fer that kinda world over what The Leader has brought down on our heads today, eh?

th cap'm

Subject: Some Peoples Are Just Such Assholes!!
Date: Monday, February 26, 2007 4:07 AM

Earlier today, I was drivin by Loose Park, and this big, black SUV pulled right out in front of me. Wow! I couldn't believe this asshole! Of course, ever th alert, defensive driver, I was able to slam on my brakes, and jus barely avoided th collision.

Naturally, I was standin on my horn th whole time, and put my window down as they went by me, so they could see me givin em th finger and see me raging and screamin and sputterin insults of an obscene nature at em. I wasn't able to see th peoples cuz th windows were tinted almost black, but I glanced in my rear view mirror and I saw they had come to a complete stop. So, I came to a stop too. I sat there and they didn't move. We both jus sat there, not movin. I waited a few seconds and since I had more or less instigated th situation, I backed up til I was right next to em and I looked, not knowin what to expect. I thought there might be a good chance I was goin to get my geezer lights punched out, but when they put their window down, a small, pretty middle-age Asian lady was sayin,

"I sooo sorry. Pleese to excuse me, I so sorry. Forgive me sir. I sorry. I not payin attention. I sorry."

And she kept repeatin it over and over. and she was so nice about it, and so contrite, and, well, I felt pretty bad then, havin jus cussed her out and all, so, like,
I told her,

"It's OK mam, no harm done! I'm sorry I yelled at you. Don't worry bout it. I'm sorry I was a jerk."

And while we were apologizin to each other, another lady had pulled up behind her and couldn't get by and she tooted her horn, and of course my first instinct was to lean my head outta th window and yell at her to "Fuck Off", but then I thought she was perfectly entitled to sound her horn at us, since we were blockin th street after all and furthermore, she might actually be a nice lady too, so I said "good afternoon" to th Asian lady and gave th other lady a small wave and polite smile as I drove off.

I still felt bad about th Asian lady and resolved then and there not to yell and scream at other peoples annoyin drivin eccentricites again.

Never more! Forever!

I hope this pledge will be as easy to keep as it was to quit smokin, cuz I've said this before in th past, and th very next day found myself resortin right back to th same kinda obnoxious behavior all over again.

I can't wait fer my next tail-gater to put my new resolution to th test, cus next to red-light runners, tail-gaters reely get me goin. That will be an excellent test of my resolve. I dunno tho, it's hard to change a life time pattern of behavior. Perhaps in th future I oughta jus drop a few downers with some Scotch before I get behind th wheel, y'know, jus to kinda mellow out a bit.

Well, like I said earlier, some peoples are jus such Assholes! And sometimes we find out......

They R Us!!!

th cap't

P.S. By th way, if there's an Asian lady out there who encountered th madman earlier, once again, "So solly missy."

Subject: Statistics
Date: Saturday, February 24, 2007 4:12 AM

A buddy sent me this. I'm passin it on tho as a good example of how easy statistics can be arranged and manipulated by peoples to present a skewered point of view. Follows below:

********************

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice before eating that incredibly mind-boggling and oh so dangerous food: Bread!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer, food poisoning and octogenarians.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

******************

You could substitute 'drugs' for "bread" on most of these things and teach em to chirrun in their bullshit mandatory DARE courses.

And check out # 12. Ya ever listen and pay attention to some of th absolutely ridiculous stats you'll hear durin a sporting event. like, fr'instance,

"In th final two minutes of games, this quarterback has failed to convert on third and two 63% of th time, when it's raining."

or maybe,

"In this ball park, on Saturdays in Oct. facing a full count in th ninth inning, this hitter has flyed out to left field twice as often as right."

Sometimes I hear these guys babble out inane bits of trivia and I jus go, "Huh? Say what?" These announcers throw bullshit like that out there and th complete irrelevance of their utterances goes right over peoples heads. I some times think those guys have their statisticians come up with th most meaningless crap they can, as a joke, jus to see if anyone ever even notices. I got news fer em tho.

El Capitano knows!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Election News Update
Date: Friday, February 23, 2007 5:29 PM

OK, I jus read this headline on th homepage of my webtv.

"VILSACK DROPS 08' ELECTION BID"

Why? I'm a bit curious why he would drop out now? After all th election's not til Nov. 08', right? It seems kinda premature to fade now, cuz a lot of things can happen between now and then. He's still got 21 months to get his act together.
I'm sure his family and friends are all keenly disappointed tho. And heck, what about th rest of us? We never even got a chance to question his stance on th many issues facing us. Like, how does he feel bout th war in Iraq? Health care? Illegal immigration? Th environment? And so on. Now, we'll never know!
But, still, like a lot of other peoples, I do have one question.

WHO IN TH FUCK IS HE ANYWAY????

Th impudent, arrogant bastard! Jus who th fuck does he think he is declaring fer th Presidency in th first place? Did he jus fall off th turnip truck? (hey, don't laugh, i've done that myself) I mean, sheeit, what if we all jus went around sayin we were gonna run fer President too? Think of th chaos and confusion that would cause th dumb-ass Amerikan electorate. And here I'm talkin bout those folks who elected Geo. Bush a second time?! Sheeit, they simply couldn't handle it.

So, lets keep it simple boyz and gurlz, aw'right? No more peoples declarin fer th Presidency. We already got plenty of assholes runnin as it is, and we only got 21 more months to make up our minds.

I must admit tho, after election day, when th votes are all in and counted and th Supreme Court tells us who our next President will be, I'm curious who will be th first to declare their candidacy fer 2012 and get th jump on th rest of th field? It's never too early to think bout these things.

So, like who do you like in 12'?

th cap'm

Subject: A note from a friend
Date: Thursday, February 22, 2007 3:58 PM

My long time buddy David, goin back 42 years, sent me th followin.

*******************

Subject: past lives

Hey cap, thought of you while reading today's paper at a bar. A front page, top-of-the-fold article by Ian Urbina (never heard of him) was on young “crews” who travel — in almost slave-like conditions — around the country selling mag subscriptions.

I think I recall you had a successful stint in the encyclopedia game.

The article spoke to false promises, abuse, beatings, never-paid commissions, drug use, unsafe automobiles, stranded sellers, cheap motels, mingy meal allowances, customer ripoffs, etc.

snickers and dimes.

***************

I wrote im back.

***************
Wow. yeah I remember that game very well and can relate to th whole kaboodle. (ya know what a kaboodle is, I'll bet, but yer prolly wonderin what happened to th "kit" tho, aren't ya?)

I worked fer a crew chief who paid for everything, meals, lodging, cigarette money, booze, etc. He kept a ledger where he recorded every dime he gave ya.
At the end of th week travelin all about Georgia, workin a different small town each nite, we would wind up back in Atlanta on Saturday nites and square up, but since I seldom made enuff jack to pay off my tab, I’d have to go out again th next week. and so on, and on. sheeit, I was like an indentured servant. but what th fuck, I was a 19 year old kid on my own, travelin all about, bein my own man, and jus livin Life!

viva la vida, eh.

th cap'm

P.S. When we would drive thru small towns, scouting th territory, el jefe would make us roll up th windows, so th 'natives' would think we had air conditioning. Ha ha He thought it important we "look successful" and portray that image, cus y'know, everybody didn't have AC back then. like, us fr'instance! Ha ha. But since th six of us would all be sweatin like pigs, i kinda imagine th locals would prolly be sayin.

"Wuld'ja look at those durn fools drivin around with their windows all rolled up!!
Mus be a bunch damn fool yankees!"

Subject: McCain On Rumsfeld
Date: Thursday, February 22, 2007 1:39 PM

My buddy Tommy D. sent me an article bout a speech presidential candidate John McCain made this past Monday in S. Carolina, where he admitted to the mismanagement of the Iraqi war and blamed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for it, saying that he believed Rumsfeld to have been the worst Secretary of Defense in Amerikan history!

However, this assessment was in sharp contrast to the glowing terms he previously used to characterize Rumsfeld's leadership after his resignation last year. (finally) Of course, in putting the onus of the blame on Rummy, McCain completely glossed over a crucial bit of info; that Geo. Bush is the Commander in Chief, and thus, ultimate blame for the fiasco falls squarely on his shoulders. He, after all appointed Rumsfeld to the job. Rummy was his man!!

What is further amazing, and disgusting about it all is, that Geo. Bush, stood by him and defended him, and as is so typical of him, stubbornly refused to listen to all those around him, like Rice and Powell, to name just a few, who constantly recommended he replace him!! But, noooo.

Bush and Rumsfeld! What a team they made! Whew!

Th Worst President in the history of this country, having th Worst Sec. of Defense. No big surprise there tho, both of em stubborn, egotistical, arrogant bastards, incapable and unwilling to listen to anything in contrast to their own insane views. These two palookas together did irreparable harm to this country and we will be paying for their colossal mistakes and blunders for many years to come.

Along these same lines, I just finished reading Robert Woodward's State of Denial about the last few years of the Bush administration, and there's plenty there to back up McCain's observation on Rumsfeld. Should you pick up this book, let me add a caution here tho; this book is not the kind of reading one does for pleasure or enjoyment, but rather out of grim necessity. Oh, this book will make you want to scream!

"State of Denial!" What a brilliant, concise three word assessment of the mindset of the President and his whole Administration, specially, but not limited to, th situation in Iraq. Those three words pretty much says it all.

Woe is us.

th cap'm