Feb. 26, 2007
Dreck, the Captain, finds his inner Buddha.
Some Peoples Are Just Such Assholes!!
Earlier today, I was drivin by Loose Park, and this
big, black SUV pulled right out in front of me. Wow! I couldn't believe
this asshole! Of course, ever th alert, defensive driver, I was able
to slam on my brakes, and jus barely avoided th collision.
A buddy sent me this. I'm passin it on tho as a good
example of how easy statistics can be arranged and manipulated by
peoples to present a skewered point of view. Follows below:
Election News Update
OK, I jus read this headline on th homepage of my
A note from a friend
My long time buddy David, goin back 42 years, sent
me th followin.
McCain On Rumsfeld
My buddy Tommy D. sent me an article bout a speech
presidential candidate John McCain made this past Monday in S. Carolina,
where he admitted to the mismanagement of the Iraqi war and blamed
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for it, saying that he believed
Rumsfeld to have been the worst Secretary of Defense in Amerikan history!
Some More Info. Good Or Bad? You Be The Judge.
OK, to all you gurlz who took umbrage at my pointing
out th study verifyin yer excessive cooties, umm, lemme jus say this
like, it's not fair to shoot the messenger, OK?!
Important Hygiene Alert
OK ya'll this is a real shocker I read in yesterday's
edition of th Star!! Especially fer those of us brought up
How come they call "cowboys" and "cowgurls"
that, instead of "cowmen" and "cowwomen"?
ATTENTION! CAN I GET YER ATTENTION PLEASE!
First off, lemme give ya a bit of background info
here. I have a WEBTV. Yeah, I know! It's so lame and not much more
than a toy really. Ya could give one to yer 8 y/o old and they could
operate it in 5 minutes. But it's also very useful for adults with
a limited intelligence, such as myself fr'example. Thas why I have
one instead of a computer, which it seems to me, can be pretty darned
complicated just to turn on.
RE: Howlin Wolves
My regards and appreciation to those who wrote me
concerning my question bout th wolves.
Whut Th Howl?
Last nite I wuz sittin there in th saloon, quietly
quaffin my brews, tryin to think of some way to save th world and
stuff like that, y'know, and from outta nowhere th thought popped
into my head,
Nah, In don't think so.
Lisa Nowak, The Murderous Astronaut
Man ya know th news media are lickin their chops
over this story. Whoooeee! It's gonna be BIG. Sit back boyz and gurlz
and make yerselves comfortable, cuz we're gonna be hearin about this
one daily fer a long, long time.
Th Horrors Of Teenage Drivers (gasp)
MSNBC Nightly News
Teens behind the wheel
"Blah ,blah, blah"
(and she went on to write. ch)
Many parents know that for teens, the inside of a moving car has
always been one of the most dangerous places to be. Alcohol-related
accidents among teens are down. Even so, the death toll hasn't budged.
Now, a new study tells us why. Phones and friends are driving teens
to distraction. Eighty-nine percent talk on cell phones while driving,
and 94 percent are distracted while driving, according to Children's
Hospital of Philadelphia and State Farm Insurance.
Furthermore, as adults we know that th rush hour traffic in th mornings and evenings is when we do our best thinkin, and it's necessary to express ourselves and let others know whatever important thoughts are flittin through our minds at th moment. Whereas all teenagers wanna do is "chat" and gossip mindlessly with their friends. But whut th hell, I guess we shouldn't be too harsh on em, cus after all, they're jus immature teenagers, goin thru th rituals of teenage-hood, and don't know any better, jus like we all did. Besides that, as adults, we know it's relaxin! It allows us a chance to take our minds off th daily grind of th commute, of traffic jams, and th annoyance of red lights, and no left turn signals, and stoopid speed limits and petty crap like that And then there's all those crazy fuckers out there, hell bent on gettin home a few minutes early, as tho we're not.
And did'ja notice in that report where it said that over 40 states have special teen licenses limitin when and with whom they can drive? Forget about th cell phone issue fer a second; I think this is a positive thing.
So whut!! I myself learned to drive under similar draconian restrictions when I was 15 1/2 y/o in S. Cal in th mid 50s, and I turned out OK. Yep, fer 6 months, I wuz only allowed to drive if I had a licensed driver with me. That wuz my good buddy, 16 y/o Bobby Butler, who wuz also a sophomore like me. Between th two of us we had mo plenty maturity!! Sheeit, I only had three accidents durin that 6 months!!
one nite, I accidentally knocked a gas pump over leavin th station.
Well, sheeit, th fookin accelerator stuck on me as I wuz tryin to
burn rubber on my way out. I think! At least that was my clean-up.
I'm not quite sure whut actually happened cus I wuz a bit fucked up,
y'know, after that fifth of Mad Dog.
"Oh man, now we're gonna miss all th action now. I wonder if
Joanie wuz there?" A bottle of Thunderbird was responsible fer
That wuz one of th first times I realized some peoples jus won't
take responsibility fer their own actions. They'll always try and
blame their misfortunes on some one else. I dunno tho, mebbe th Country
Club Malt liquor wuz a factor. I dunno, cuz, I don't remember all
that much about it. I do remember Billy Johnson tho tellin me he woulda
had me fer sure if th whole thing hadn't happened. Bullshit. No way
Jose, I said.
Well anyway, since Bobby had a regular license, I didn't get into
any trouble. Well, that is if ya don't count th fact that I wuz forever
mis-labled as 'irresponsible' and 'reckless' by my parents fer th
next 50 years. That wuz a jacket I never could shake. No jive, I got
in an argument with my mom jus a few months ago, and she brought up
those exact same incidents to make her point. Evidently, some memories
jus never fade away, huh! Ha ha
Well anyway, enuff dribble, but as ya can see, I can personally attest
to th value of some restrictions on younger teens licenses, like,
havin a licensed driver with em. It worked fer me. There's no tellin
whut kinda mischief I mighta gotten myself into if my licensed buddy
hadn't been there as a stabilising influence.
Th Bell Don't Toll Fer Me No Mo
I went to Taco Bell today. I told th guy,
"I want four crunchy tacos, and THAT'S ALL! I don't want anything
He replied, "Three crunchy tacos. Would you like a drink with
A drink????? I didn't reply. A few seconds went by and he said,
"Sir, would you like a drink with that?"
Once again, I didn't reply.
Finally he said,
"That will be 3.91. Pull up to th window please."
I pulled up to th window and th guy is lookin at me kinda strange,
y'know, like he wants to see what th asshole looks like who wouldn't
answer him. He holds th bag out, but I told him I wanted some extra
hot sauce, so he sullenly dropped some in th bag and held it towards
me and I said,
"Aaah, y'know whut, never mind dude. I'm goin to Sonic instead."
and I gave im my best grin and pulled off. Ha ha Ya might say I left
im holdin th bag. Ha ha
But rilly. I mean, when ya tell some one,
"This is what I want and NOTHIN more!"
Why do they then ask ya if ya wanna drink or fries, or whatever?
Huh, why? Th cap'm don't play that game, ya dig.
So, adios Taco Bell. Hasta la Vista.
A Pleasant Trip Gone BAD
Earlier today, I wuz goin out to visit my mom and
I wuz crusin south along Ward Pkwy by Loose Park and this jogger was
in th street runnin towards me. It's bitterly cold out, but this fuckin
asshole jus has to get in his daily run. And since th runnin path
is icy; he has to run in th street instead. He's all bundled up with
his stocking cap on and his shades and his muffler, and he's runnin
about 2-3 feet from th curb, and I'm sure he's thinkin,
"Man, am I fuckin cool or what! I know everybody who sees me
is thinking that same thing too. I mean, sheeit, anyone with half
a brain isn't even out unless they have to be, and yet here I am out
in th freezin cold, doin my runnin gig, cus thas jus that kinda cool
stud I am!!"
Well it pissed me off; his smug, arrogant attitude, and so I decided
that I wasn't gonna veer over th center line to avoid him. I figured
if he wanted to play "chicken" my 2 tons of plastic would
trump his 200 lbs of flesh. I guess he felt th same way, cuz he wasn't
movin over towards th curb. I guess he figured he wuz dealin with
a normal, sensible, regular person who would get outta his way. He
didn't realize th fiend approachin him wuz th Cap't. But, as we got
nearer on our collision course, Joe Cool finally realized he better
get his ass right pronto over to th curb, and I rolled my window down
and hit my horn jus as we passed within a foot of each other and yelled,
"YA STUPID FUCK"
and felt a smidgen better.
This didn't last long tho cus when I came to th stoplight at 63rd
and Wornall, this young girly there, rappin on her phone and eatin
a cookie while attemptin to make a left turn jus sat there and let
th light turn red. Dumb shit. I was behind her and honked th horn
and flipped her th finger and was mouthin obscenities. When th light
changed green, she still didn't ease into th intersection to make
her turn, but jus sat there again, and I wheeled around her yellin
bad stuff at her th whole time. Sheeit.
Then a few minutes later, as I got on up around 80th and Wornall,
th guy in front of me slammed on his brakes fer no apparent reason,
and th only thing that kept me from plowin into his rear end was th
fact that, bein th careful and diligent driver I am, I had left enuff
space between our vehicles to avoid jus such a calamitous collision.
Once again, in th space of 7-8 minutes I wuz forced to go to my horn
again. In this case tho it wuzn't his that guy's fault, cus some old
coot about 80 years old, who could barely see over his steering wheel
had decided to back out of a business right onto Wornall right in
front of him. Th old codger hadn't even bothered to see if mebbe some
cars might be comin. Jus backed on out into th street. Well, who's
got time to bother checkin mirror, mundane crap like that, right!!
Eventually, I pulled alongside that old bastard as well and rolled
my window down and called him ten-thousand mutherfuckers too, but
I don't think he could see me over th top of th window.
A few minutes later as I got to my mom's I wuz a bit "wound
up" so to speak, Ha ha and so sat in th car fer a few minutes
doin some of my Harmony and Serenity Mind Exercises, slowin my heart
rate down and doin my breathin exercises, since I didn't have a joint
on me. This wuz one of those times when even a Marlboro Red woulda
come in handy.
And ya know whut, in spite of incidents like this that go on every
single day, there are still peoples out there who oppose th death
penalty? I know, go figure! And even tho you can relate examples all
day long, like I've jus done, ya can't budge em!!
And whut's worse, even if ya try and compromise with th Anti-Death
Penalty whackos, they still turn a deaf ear to my alternative and
more benign solution, "Sterilization". This plan would effectively
eliminate these 'undesirables' from th gene pool altogether. Poof!
Imagine if ya can, a World free of Joggers, Walkers, Bicyclists,
Cell Phone Abusers, Teenage Drivers, Old Geezer Drivers, Blond Gurl
Drivers, Illegal Immigrant Drivers, and others of their ilk. Of course
we can actually never attain "Paradise", or "Nirvana",
or 'Heaven", or whatever ya wanna call it here on Earth, but
we can at least strive fer it, eh.
So th next time ya happen to see a parent runnin alongside their
little tyke on their bike, tryin to teach em this nasty behavior,
even tho technically it may be none of yer business, I think it would
be perfectly OK, nay, even commendable fer ya to lower yer window
and yell at em,
"SHAME! SHAME ON YOU!! YA STUPID FUCKHEAD!"
In fact, I believe as a good citizen, it would be yer civic duty
to do so. After all, it's when we become complacent as citizens, that
our Society and Culture take th nose dive we're in right now. If we
I jus wish I wuz in Geo. Bush's seat and I wuz "The Decider"instead
of him. This would be a different world fer sure, boyz and gurlz.
I'm tellin ya, jus like Georgie hisself, I wouldn't be lettin Nobody
Mis-communication? Mis-translation. Quien sabe?
OK amigos, last night, gettin late, sittin in a joint
near closin time, a young, very attractive chiquita banana hispanic
type gurl came up to th bar and in slightly accented English, ordered
some drinks fer her table. So, bein th friendly kind of guy I am,
and wishin to foster good relations among our different ethnic groups,
ya unnerstan, I said to her, in her native tongue,
"Buenos noches senorita, me llamo es Carlos, y yo soy el Rey
OK, lets break this down,
"Buenos noches, senorita" (bway-Nos- no-Cheese. seeen-Yor-
"me llamos" (may- YAH- mose)
"es Carlos" (es Carrh-LOHS)
" y, yo soy" (eee, yo soy-eee)
"el Rey del Mundo" (ell raaay) and here ya really have
to trill the r sound, if ya wanna get that
me-hee-cano sound right. It's difficult for us Norte-Americanos, or
"Greengos" as we are affectionately known thru out Latin
America, to get that sound right.
"del mundo" (dell Moon-doh)
Aw'right, th translation of all this fer all ya'll who haven't learned
to speak EspaÒol yet (and shame on ya) would be,
"Good evening young lady, my name is Charles, and I am the KING
OF THE WORLD".
Yeah OK, a bit over th top mebbe, I'll cop to it, but, looky here,
I wuz just tryin to impress her and be popular, y'know? And mebbe
bein a bit drunk silly too, ya dig? Well, she grinned, and jus looked
at me and kinda giggled and took her drinks over to her table and
huddled with her friends and said somethin to them and they all looked
in my direction and giggled some more.
I dunno, where did I go wrong? I got th distinct impression she wuzn't
much impressed. I mean, what happened? In my quest to be popular,
this was not the response I wuz lookin fer! Y'know whut, I'll bet
it had somethin to do with that 'trillin' sound on the 'R' I tried
to lay on her. I'll bet I prolly said somethin that I really didn't
mean to say. Y'know, like, a mis-pronunciation or somethin, changin
th meaning entirely, like mebbe I may have said,
"Good evening young lady, my name is Charles and I AM TH SHITBIRD
OF THE WORLD!!"
rather than "th King" in which case I can unnerstan her
reaction. I mean, who would be impressed to speak to a Shitbird, as
opposed to a King? On th other hand, maybe she did hear me correctly
and thought I wuz just blowin smoke at her!! Like, mebbe she didn't
believe I wuz th King of th World.
But, that would be only partially correcto, cuz ya know whut; years
ago, before I wuz 'the cap't', I wuz known as 'th King.". Thas
right, that wuz my nickname then. When I walked into my joint peoples
"Hey yo, KING, sup!"
Somewhere along th line, I wuz demoted from th King to
th Captain. I dunno why, but whut th hell, sometimes Life
deals us these little setbacks, es la Verdad, eh!
Well, sheeit! On reflection, I don't think I'm gonna try so hard
to be popular anymore, cuz invariably, I jus wind up feelin like a
joik. And thas not good fer my Self Esteem.
Th Thrice-Baked Potato: Pushin Th Culinary Envelope
Have ya ever had a twice-baked potato? What's th
deal with that? Sheeit.
I decided I could do better than that. Thus, this afternoon, I decided
to explore......and go where no man.......blah, blah blah,
I wanted to see what would happen if we went one more time, and go
for the Big Three! Th Thrice Baked Potato. I carefully selected a
fine Idaho baking potato and placed it in my 375 degree pre-heated
oven. I let it bake fer a while. I'm not bein deliberately vague here,
it's jus that my timin device was malfunctionin at th time, so I don't
reely know how long it was in there. I took it out of th oven and
placed it on th counter and observed it closely. Nothin happened.
I put it back in the oven for a while longer and extracted it once
again. Still nothin happenin there. I put it back in for th thrice
time and took it out again and sat it on th counter for th final time.
I placed my pet rock Orson next to it, expectin some kind of interaction.
I watched them both very closely fer a long time. I mean, very closely.
I was perfectly still, hopin not to disrupt any dynamic, which might
occur...I didn't move...... neither did they!!
I focused my entire being on them. Time stood still. And then. at
some point, I realized I could no longer perceive either one of em.
They had evidently become invisible. I said to myself, 'WOW, this
is too much! After th third bakin, th potato becomes invisible."
But then I thought to myself,
"Hmmmm, not only can I not see th rock and th potato, I can't
see any fuckin thing at all! Have I gone utterly blind?" I shrieked
in a brief moment of panic.
But nothin so dramatic as that. No, no. it would seem that, so intent
was I in my observations, I had failed to realize that th sun had
set and it was now night time. This explained a lot!
So......in th end, what I wound up with, was a rock and a potato
sittin there on my counter.... in th darkness... perfectly still!
So.... what was I expectin ya ask? I dunno! Jus somethin more, thas
A thrice-baked potato? Pshaw! Big fuckin deal!!
The SuperBowl Fan
With th Super Bowl drawin nearer, this seems apropos.
And it's kinda
EXTREME FOOD FREEK?? You Be Th Judge
Earlier I was over at the elderly lady's crib, that
I drive about. I was setting out her fixin's for some guests she was
having over later on. Yeah, see, besides bein her driver, I'm also
her chef, caterer,
But while I was setting the table, two of her guests (her great grand
daughter and great great grandson) arrived a bit early. And while
I was carrying on a little conversation with the grand daughter, who
is maybe 21-23 years old, I mentioned that one of my favorite snacks
was, bananas, and Oreo cookies gulped down with copious amounts of
ice cold milk!
And when I said that, her eyes got real big and she wrinkled her
nose in distaste, (gasp) and she said,
I explained to her that the crunchy chocolatey taste of th Oreos
made a nice contrast with th sweet mushiness of th bananas, all washed
down with ice cold creamy milk, made for a real nice taste treat.
She said, with more than a trace of of sarcasm and doubt in her voice,
"If you say so!"
I'm sorry. but scuuuuse me? Is that considered weird? Bananas, Oreo
cookies and milk? Sheeit, I have been eating that my entire life,
and it never occurred to me for one second that there was anything
strange in any way about it. Does that combination sound strange to
you? I mean, how could any thing that tastes that fookin good be considered
weird? I was frankly puzzled at her reaction. I attributed it to maybe
a generational gap or somthin.
I get much th same reaction any time I mention peanut butter and
syrup mixed together. Peoples look at you like yer deranged or somthin.
But au contraire! There's nothin more delicious fer breakfast than
to mix yer peanut butter real good with some thin Log Cabin syrup
(you can use any kind of syrup you want tho) and then drag yer toast,
bacon or sausage thru it. It tastes a lot like th caramel you find
in th center of most candy bars, which obviously is perfectly OK with
When I mention smoky link sausages and chocolate-chip ice cream,
peoples almost gag! Why? I ask? When ya take a bite of th sausage
and th hot grease squirts in yer mouth, and then follow that with
a bite of th cold, sweet, smooth ice cream, and chase it all down
with a glug of milk, it's really quite delightful. They say th idea
is repugnant to em. I say, in defense,
"Well, sheeit, are you tellin me you've never eaten a hot dog
Now, I venture to say most peoples have done that before, right?
Yet they find nothing outrageous bout that. But it's th same fookin
thing with th sausage and ice cream. Once it's all in yer mouth, th
Cap't Hoohah, Foods Guru At Large
Disaster Comes Knockin, But Th Cap't Doesn't Answer Th Door
I hadda a kinda close call last nite. My furnace
here doesn't work very well. It's 54 degrees back in my bedroom, so
I crash on th sofa in th living room where it's about 60.
I have an electric space heater, which sits on th floor right next
to th sofa. I have it propped at an angle so it's heat is projected
upwards rather than into th side of th sofa.
So, I was lyin here with my back to th heater. I had a pillow on
my back over th covers for a bit more warmth, and I had been tryin
to get to sleep for a bit, Morpheus havin gotten snagged in traffic
I spose, and I noticed a slight smell after a while. I attributed
it to th smell th heating unit makes when it gets red hot. I just
co-incidentally was thinking I needed to buy a new battery for th
smoke alarm, since it was
But as I laid there, I kept smellin that smell, and suddenly it occurred to me why I recognized it. It occurred to me that that's th smell of something burning. AHA! I know that smell well, from past experience. So I Turned over and CURSES my pillow had fallen off and was wedged between th heater and th sofa and was smokin. Once again, and even tho I was drunk, I knew that th pillow wasn't supposed to do that. After all, it's a fuckin pillow!!! It's not supposed to smoke!! So I yanked it away.
Damn! There was a burnt hole in th pillow about 10-12 inches across!!
Damned pillow and pillow case both ruined. Sheeit. What th fu......?
Why can't they make pillows that are fireproof so one can sleep comfortably
without having to get up to see if they're in flames?
Sheeit. If they can make an electric can opener, why in th hell can't
they make a fireproof pillow?
In retrospect, I guess it reely wasn't that close a call. I mean, if yer pillow was in flames on th floor next to yer bed, wouldn't ya notice that eventually?! Well, anyway, I'm not gonna find out th hard way cuz I'm not usin my pillow for a blanket any more! Tonite I'm jus gonna activate my electric blanket system. Now all I gotta worry bout is bein electrocuted!
St Anthony To The Rescue, or, All Things Come To The Patient Man
OK, now, I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna
do it again.
Interview with Jen Chen
Last nite this gurl reporter for th Pitch
named Jen Chen, who writes th "Night Ranger" column was
in Mikes and she came over and was talkin to me and my buddy Ernie
about th joint.
LO-FI SAINT LOUIS
OK ya'll, my ex-wife sent this to me. Because of
my punk-ass webtv I am
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