joe dreck
Feb. 26, 2007

Joe Dreck, the Captain, finds his inner Buddha.

Subject: Some Peoples Are Just Such Assholes!!
Monday, February 26, 2007 4:07 AM

Earlier today, I was drivin by Loose Park, and this big, black SUV pulled right out in front of me. Wow! I couldn't believe this asshole! Of course, ever th alert, defensive driver, I was able to slam on my brakes, and jus barely avoided th collision.

Naturally, I was standin on my horn th whole time, and put my window down as they went by me, so they could see me givin em th finger and see me raging and screamin and sputterin insults of an obscene nature at em. I wasn't able to see th peoples cuz th windows were tinted almost black, but I glanced in my rear view mirror and I saw they had come to a complete stop. So, I came to a stop too. I sat there and they didn't move. We both jus sat there, not movin. I waited a few seconds and since I had more or less instigated th situation, I backed up til I was right next to em and I looked, not knowin what to expect. I thought there might be a good chance I was goin to get my geezer lights punched out, but when they put their window down, a small, pretty middle-age Asian lady was sayin,

"I sooo sorry. Pleese to excuse me, I so sorry. Forgive me sir. I sorry. I not payin attention. I sorry."

And she kept repeatin it over and over. and she was so nice about it, and so contrite, and, well, I felt pretty bad then, havin jus cussed her out and all, so, like,
I told her,

"It's OK mam, no harm done! I'm sorry I yelled at you. Don't worry bout it. I'm sorry I was a jerk."

And while we were apologizin to each other, another lady had pulled up behind her and couldn't get by and she tooted her horn, and of course my first instinct was to lean my head outta th window and yell at her to "Fuck Off", but then I thought she was perfectly entitled to sound her horn at us, since we were blockin th street after all and furthermore, she might actually be a nice lady too, so I said "good afternoon" to th Asian lady and gave th other lady a small wave and polite smile as I drove off.

I still felt bad about th Asian lady and resolved then and there not to yell and scream at other peoples annoyin drivin eccentricites again.

Never more! Forever!

I hope this pledge will be as easy to keep as it was to quit smokin, cuz I've said this before in th past, and th very next day found myself resortin right back to th same kinda obnoxious behavior all over again.

I can't wait fer my next tail-gater to put my new resolution to th test, cus next to red-light runners, tail-gaters reely get me goin. That will be an excellent test of my resolve. I dunno tho, it's hard to change a life time pattern of behavior. Perhaps in th future I oughta jus drop a few downers with some Scotch before I get behind th wheel, y'know, jus to kinda mellow out a bit.

Well, like I said earlier, some peoples are jus such Assholes! And sometimes we find out......

They R Us!!!

th cap't

P.S. By th way, if there's an Asian lady out there who encountered th madman earlier, once again, "So solly missy."

Subject: Statistics
Saturday, February 24, 2007 4:12 AM

A buddy sent me this. I'm passin it on tho as a good example of how easy statistics can be arranged and manipulated by peoples to present a skewered point of view. Follows below:


Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice before eating that incredibly mind-boggling and oh so dangerous food: Bread!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer, food poisoning and octogenarians.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


You could substitute 'drugs' for "bread" on most of these things and teach em to chirrun in their bullshit mandatory DARE courses.

And check out # 12. Ya ever listen and pay attention to some of th absolutely ridiculous stats you'll hear durin a sporting event. like, fr'instance,

"In th final two minutes of games, this quarterback has failed to convert on third and two 63% of th time, when it's raining."

or maybe,

"In this ball park, on Saturdays in Oct. facing a full count in th ninth inning, this hitter has flyed out to left field twice as often as right."

Sometimes I hear these guys babble out inane bits of trivia and I jus go, "Huh? Say what?" These announcers throw bullshit like that out there and th complete irrelevance of their utterances goes right over peoples heads. I some times think those guys have their statisticians come up with th most meaningless crap they can, as a joke, jus to see if anyone ever even notices. I got news fer em tho.

El Capitano knows!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Election News Update
Friday, February 23, 2007 5:29 PM

OK, I jus read this headline on th homepage of my webtv.


Why? I'm a bit curious why he would drop out now? After all th election's not til Nov. 08', right? It seems kinda premature to fade now, cuz a lot of things can happen between now and then. He's still got 21 months to get his act together.
I'm sure his family and friends are all keenly disappointed tho. And heck, what about th rest of us? We never even got a chance to question his stance on th many issues facing us. Like, how does he feel bout th war in Iraq? Health care? Illegal immigration? Th environment? And so on. Now, we'll never know!
But, still, like a lot of other peoples, I do have one question.


Th impudent, arrogant bastard! Jus who th fuck does he think he is declaring fer th Presidency in th first place? Did he jus fall off th turnip truck? (hey, don't laugh, i've done that myself) I mean, sheeit, what if we all jus went around sayin we were gonna run fer President too? Think of th chaos and confusion that would cause th dumb-ass Amerikan electorate. And here I'm talkin bout those folks who elected Geo. Bush a second time?! Sheeit, they simply couldn't handle it.

So, lets keep it simple boyz and gurlz, aw'right? No more peoples declarin fer th Presidency. We already got plenty of assholes runnin as it is, and we only got 21 more months to make up our minds.

I must admit tho, after election day, when th votes are all in and counted and th Supreme Court tells us who our next President will be, I'm curious who will be th first to declare their candidacy fer 2012 and get th jump on th rest of th field? It's never too early to think bout these things.

So, like who do you like in 12'?

th cap'm

Subject: A note from a friend
Thursday, February 22, 2007 3:58 PM

My long time buddy David, goin back 42 years, sent me th followin.


Subject: past lives

Hey cap, thought of you while reading today's paper at a bar. A front page, top-of-the-fold article by Ian Urbina (never heard of him) was on young “crews” who travel — in almost slave-like conditions — around the country selling mag subscriptions.

I think I recall you had a successful stint in the encyclopedia game.

The article spoke to false promises, abuse, beatings, never-paid commissions, drug use, unsafe automobiles, stranded sellers, cheap motels, mingy meal allowances, customer ripoffs, etc.

snickers and dimes.


I wrote im back.

Wow. yeah I remember that game very well and can relate to th whole kaboodle. (ya know what a kaboodle is, I'll bet, but yer prolly wonderin what happened to th "kit" tho, aren't ya?)

I worked fer a crew chief who paid for everything, meals, lodging, cigarette money, booze, etc. He kept a ledger where he recorded every dime he gave ya.
At the end of th week travelin all about Georgia, workin a different small town each nite, we would wind up back in Atlanta on Saturday nites and square up, but since I seldom made enuff jack to pay off my tab, I’d have to go out again th next week. and so on, and on. sheeit, I was like an indentured servant. but what th fuck, I was a 19 year old kid on my own, travelin all about, bein my own man, and jus livin Life!

viva la vida, eh.

th cap'm

P.S. When we would drive thru small towns, scouting th territory, el jefe would make us roll up th windows, so th 'natives' would think we had air conditioning. Ha ha He thought it important we "look successful" and portray that image, cus y'know, everybody didn't have AC back then. like, us fr'instance! Ha ha. But since th six of us would all be sweatin like pigs, i kinda imagine th locals would prolly be sayin.

"Wuld'ja look at those durn fools drivin around with their windows all rolled up!!
Mus be a bunch damn fool yankees!"

Subject: McCain On Rumsfeld
Thursday, February 22, 2007 1:39 PM

My buddy Tommy D. sent me an article bout a speech presidential candidate John McCain made this past Monday in S. Carolina, where he admitted to the mismanagement of the Iraqi war and blamed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for it, saying that he believed Rumsfeld to have been the worst Secretary of Defense in Amerikan history!

However, this assessment was in sharp contrast to the glowing terms he previously used to characterize Rumsfeld's leadership after his resignation last year. (finally) Of course, in putting the onus of the blame on Rummy, McCain completely glossed over a crucial bit of info; that Geo. Bush is the Commander in Chief, and thus, ultimate blame for the fiasco falls squarely on his shoulders. He, after all appointed Rumsfeld to the job. Rummy was his man!!

What is further amazing, and disgusting about it all is, that Geo. Bush, stood by him and defended him, and as is so typical of him, stubbornly refused to listen to all those around him, like Rice and Powell, to name just a few, who constantly recommended he replace him!! But, noooo.

Bush and Rumsfeld! What a team they made! Whew!

Th Worst President in the history of this country, having th Worst Sec. of Defense. No big surprise there tho, both of em stubborn, egotistical, arrogant bastards, incapable and unwilling to listen to anything in contrast to their own insane views. These two palookas together did irreparable harm to this country and we will be paying for their colossal mistakes and blunders for many years to come.

Along these same lines, I just finished reading Robert Woodward's State of Denial about the last few years of the Bush administration, and there's plenty there to back up McCain's observation on Rumsfeld. Should you pick up this book, let me add a caution here tho; this book is not the kind of reading one does for pleasure or enjoyment, but rather out of grim necessity. Oh, this book will make you want to scream!

"State of Denial!" What a brilliant, concise three word assessment of the mindset of the President and his whole Administration, specially, but not limited to, th situation in Iraq. Those three words pretty much says it all.

Woe is us.

th cap'm

Subject: Some More Info. Good Or Bad? You Be The Judge.
Friday, February 16, 2007 8:08 PM

OK, to all you gurlz who took umbrage at my pointing out th study verifyin yer excessive cooties, umm, lemme jus say this like, it's not fair to shoot the messenger, OK?!

(Even if he brings th bad news with a barely concealed snicker).

Aw'right, also I'm gonna make available a Michael J. Fox bobble-head doll to go on th other side of th dash to complement th Katherine Hepburn doll. So remember that when yer orderin.

th cap'm

Subject: Important Hygiene Alert
Friday, February 16, 2007 1:17 PM

OK ya'll this is a real shocker I read in yesterday's edition of th Star!! Especially fer those of us brought up to believe,

"Gurls are made of sugar and spice and every thing nice, and boys are made of (blank blank) and puppy dog tails" (who remembers th blank blank part of this? was it "dirt clogs'?)

And I'm tryin not to be a sexist pig here either (oink oink) cus this advice is fer gurls too.

If I might paraphrase th article,

"A study by a team of microbiologists researchers discovered this. In th workplace, gurlz have three to seven times more Cooties than guyz."

Now I can't give ya any more specifics or details on this cuz, bein th very busy person I am, and not havin th time fer such tomfoolery, I didn't read th rest of th article, but I just thought ya should be aware of these findings.If ya want more detailed info on this, check out th front page of Thursday's Star,

"News of germs to make you squirm"

So, next time ya find yerselves in an office some place, ya might be wise to steer a wide berth around th gurls desks and ya might have to take a circuitous route to get where yer goin, but th extra effort will pay off in yer lessened exposure to harmful cooties ya don't need. And if fer some reason some gurl should invite ya into her own office, ya might wanna maybe tell her ya got a bad case of th avian flu, and respectfully decline, not wishin to maybe infect her too. I'm sure she wouldn't press th issue.

th cap'm

P.S. This has been another in a series of Public Service Announcements by th Cap'm, in conjunction with Homeland Security, to help keep Amerika safe!!

Subject: Some Questions
Thursday, February 15, 2007 11:21 PM

How come they call "cowboys" and "cowgurls" that, instead of "cowmen" and "cowwomen"?

How come gurls don't play th trumpet, th baritone sax, and other horn-type musical instruments?

Do you think my idea for a Katherine Hepburn bobble-head doll for the dashboard or rear window is tasteless and insensitive? Should I tell th production line to shut down?

Huh? What?

th cap'm

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 6:46 PM

First off, lemme give ya a bit of background info here. I have a WEBTV. Yeah, I know! It's so lame and not much more than a toy really. Ya could give one to yer 8 y/o old and they could operate it in 5 minutes. But it's also very useful for adults with a limited intelligence, such as myself fr'example. Thas why I have one instead of a computer, which it seems to me, can be pretty darned complicated just to turn on.

A webtv allows one to access some things (limited) on th internet and also allows one to send and receive e-mail.Thas what I use mine fer.

Peoples alla time say to me,

"Yo cap'm, why don't ya get yerself a computer?"

I refer here back to th “limited intelligence” excuse above. Besides, I don't need a computer as I keep tellin em. Like, to balance my checkbook, fr'instance? Sheeit, a device with that kinda capability is still a long way off. I also don't need it to “compute” things like, 2+2=4, fr'instance, cus, like, I already know th answer to that. Furthermore, I do not now play, nor have I ever played video games. So, no ap there. (well, a long time ago, back in th early ‘70s, I used to play “Pong” a bit, but quit cus th game moved too fookin fast fer me, ya dig)

So, fer various reasons, I use a webtv. It's a very simple little device, very easy to use. but not very sophisticated at all in it's capabilities. In it's simplicity, it's also very limited. Photos, fr'instance take up huge amounts of it's bandwidth. Fer that matter, anything other than text does! On a computer, th effect bein so miniscule, ya wouldn't even think about it, but it's different with webtv.

And mine is especially vulnerable now, cus I have many things I've saved and am nearing it's capacity right now.

Like, a buddy of mine sent me some photos yesterday of some of th Katrina devastaion, and while they were interesting, they took up all of th small amount of space I had left, altho I didn't know that at th time. It wuzn't until I had deleted it that several peoples wrote me tellin me that their messages to me were returned cuz my box was full.

So, what I'm askin you to do is; if yer sendin somethin like that out, with photos, illustrations, etc, anything other than text. pleeze delete me from that list. OK
It's not that I don't wanna see em, even tho 90% of th time, I can't even access em anyway, it's jus that they clog my works up. Comprende amigos?!

OK, ya'll, thanks I appreciate yer consideration.

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, did ya see th "Night Ranger's" column in th last issue of th Pitch, where Jen Chen put my pic in there sittin at th bar, when she did th bit about Mike's Tavern? Oh th fame! It's so cool. I wuz at th drugstore earlier, and th little girly behind th counter recognized me. I told her right off th bat that I didn't do autographs tho. Altho it was obvious that she wuz keenly disappointed, she handled it well. But, keepin everything in perspective, I don't spose I'm gonna be bumpin Anna Nicole off th front pages any time soon, eh! Ha ha

Subject: RE: Howlin Wolves
Sunday, February 11, 2007 5:25 PM

My regards and appreciation to those who wrote me concerning my question bout th wolves.

As I strongly suspected, th moon itself has nothin to do with it and I can personally verify that any howling that I have done myself, was not connected with th steenking moon either. In my case, drugs may have played a role.

But anyway, wolves howl, cuz basically they enjoy it. It's also a form of communicating, and, it can be a “bonding” tool too. And when yer lost, it can be a handy way of lettin others in yer pack know,

"Hey yo! dudes, I'm lost! Anybody in th neighborhood?"

OK, so, anyway, thanks and scuse my tardiness in replyin, cuz I've been busy watchin shows bout different weapons systems and every major battle fought in th last 2,000 years on my new found military history channel. Dammit. It's even been cutttiin into my drinkin hours. I know, I know, there's no excuse fer that.

I'm hoping th "novelty of a new toy syndrome" will be wearin off soon, and I can resume my life BC. (before cable)

th cap'm

Subject: Whut Th Howl?
Wednesday, February 7, 2007 2:50 PM

Last nite I wuz sittin there in th saloon, quietly quaffin my brews, tryin to think of some way to save th world and stuff like that, y'know, and from outta nowhere th thought popped into my head,

"Why do wolves howl?"

I mean, whut's th deal with that? The pic of th wolf howlin at th moon is prolly in jus about every western ya've ever seen. It's an iconic figure. I guess it's supposed to convey th loneliness and vastness of th country. I dunno. But I'll tell ya whut; I don't think it's got anything to do with th moon at all.

So, durin th course of th evenin I put th question to several folks, gettin this reaction from one dude,

"Fuck Cap'm! I dunno. Who gives a shit anyway why wolves howl?"

Well, th dude did have a good point there, cuz I'm sure there must be a lot of peoples who would agree with him. Like, who cares? But on th other hand, I had a couple of peoples say to me in a condescendin tone, like I had jus been released from th bughouse or somthin,

"Well shit Charley, they're howlin at th full moon!" as tho, this is somthin that hardly needs explainin!

Now, I'm not sayin I know why they do this; I'm jus sayin they're not howlin at th moon!! "OK?! And th full moon in particular. I mean, when exactly would they start with th howlin? A couple of days jus before it's full, then fer a few days afterwards as it wanes, with their howlin peakin at th precise second when it's in equilibrium? That is, neither becoming fuller nor waning either. Would that one moment drive them into a frenzy of howlin ecstasy?

Nah, In don't think so.

I mean, whut happens? Do th Po-lice wolves from th Moon Squad come along finally, a few days after th moon is waning sayin to all th assembled wolves,

"Aw'right! Awright! Let's move along folks. Nothin more to see here. C'mon, let's move it!! Shows over."

Once again, I don't know why they do it, but th moon is not a cause. Personally, I think they're howlin, jus fer th fuckin howl of it!!

Anybody got any ideas bout this mystery? Any animal behaviorists out there?

Mebbe ya could hip me to it. Jus leave th fuckin moon outta it tho, OK!

th cap'm

Subject: Lisa Nowak, The Murderous Astronaut
Wednesday, February 7, 2007 1:32 PM

Man ya know th news media are lickin their chops over this story. Whoooeee! It's gonna be BIG. Sit back boyz and gurlz and make yerselves comfortable, cuz we're gonna be hearin about this one daily fer a long, long time.

It has all th ingredients to become th next major media feeding frenzy. They do this periodically, y'know. They focus on a story, and jus won't let go, long after most of us are sick and tired of it. OJ will prolly remain th big dawg of this type of exploitation fer many yeas to come.

Jon Bennet still has legs, after all these years. Chandra Levy was a good one, and Andrew Cuinanan, who killed Versace, was good fer awhile. Lis Smart's abduction hung in there, th runaway bride fascinated th entire country fer a few weeks, th two students killed in Costa Rica were good and th story of th young girl killed in Aruba is still with us. (mmm sorry I don't know her name, cus I don't pay too much attention to these things myself) I'm sure there are others that I jus can't recall at th moment, but there hasn't been a really good one fer a while.

But th drought is over. Now they got this juicy sucker to run with, and I suspect they're gonna run it into th ground. Th whole thing is actually pretty bizarre. Ya have a love triangle that got out of hand involvin these really high profile characters; astronauts. I mean, there are prolly no peoples anywhere who go thru more exhaustive psychological testing than these folks, (perhaps peoples who man missile silos) to try and ensure ya don't get any nut cases on one of these shuttle crews. And then this happens. haha. Ya know th folks at NASA headquarters are huddled together and their spin doctors are gonna have their hands full as they strugglin to contain this as much as possible. But that ain't gonna happen. This genie ain't goin back in th bottle any time soon!!

OK, so be sure watch th news this evening fer th latest developments in this fascinatin story. Hear what th clerk at th 7/11 where she regularly stops, has to say about her demeanor. Listen as her fifth grade teacher tells of how she was always a driven child, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum.

I imagine every newspaper, and all other media outlets have peoples down in Houston right now, swarmin about, lookin under rocks, and behind th sofa, searchin out those interesting little details about her life that we all crave so much. Sheeit. I can hardly wait! Oh, it's gonna be a good one kids; stay tuned!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Horrors Of Teenage Drivers (gasp)
Monday, February 5, 2007 3:45 PM

MSNBC Nightly News
Janet Shamilan, correspondent

“Teens behind the wheel”

"Blah ,blah, blah"

(and she went on to write. ch)

Many parents know that for teens, the inside of a moving car has always been one of the most dangerous places to be. Alcohol-related accidents among teens are down. Even so, the death toll hasn't budged. Now, a new study tells us why. Phones and friends are driving teens to distraction. Eighty-nine percent talk on cell phones while driving, and 94 percent are distracted while driving, according to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and State Farm Insurance.

A just-launched campaign encourages teens to put the brakes on the party in the car. And states are stepping in — more than 40 now have special teen driver's licenses, limiting when and with whom they drive.

"There's an epidemic out there," says Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White. "We have to do more."

("An epidemic"? oh c'mon! do ya think that might be a bit of an exaggeration? A bit over th topperhaps, and somewhat alarmist? ch)


OK ya'll, jus think of it; those damned teenagers drivin around while talkin on their cell phones! What are they thinkin? Where in th fuck-all do they get th crazy notion they can drive and talk on their cell phones at th same time? Don't they realise that they're still irresponsible, immature critters?

I mean really, stop and think about it; whut in th world could be so important fer a teenager, fr'crissake, that they would risk th dangers of "distraction" while drivin? Whut could they possibly have to say that would justify those risks?

Oh sure, as adults we can do that sorta thing; cus, like, well, we are “adults,” and therefore don't let our vitally important phone calls distract us like a teenager might.

Furthermore, as adults we know that th rush hour traffic in th mornings and evenings is when we do our best thinkin, and it's necessary to express ourselves and let others know whatever important thoughts are flittin through our minds at th moment. Whereas all teenagers wanna do is "chat" and gossip mindlessly with their friends. But whut th hell, I guess we shouldn't be too harsh on em, cus after all, they're jus immature teenagers, goin thru th rituals of teenage-hood, and don't know any better, jus like we all did. Besides that, as adults, we know it's relaxin! It allows us a chance to take our minds off th daily grind of th commute, of traffic jams, and th annoyance of red lights, and no left turn signals, and stoopid speed limits and petty crap like that And then there's all those crazy fuckers out there, hell bent on gettin home a few minutes early, as tho we're not.

And did'ja notice in that report where it said that over 40 states have special teen licenses limitin when and with whom they can drive? Forget about th cell phone issue fer a second; I think this is a positive thing.

So whut!! I myself learned to drive under similar draconian restrictions when I was 15 1/2 y/o in S. Cal in th mid ‘50s, and I turned out OK. Yep, fer 6 months, I wuz only allowed to drive if I had a licensed driver with me. That wuz my good buddy, 16 y/o Bobby Butler, who wuz also a sophomore like me. Between th two of us we had mo plenty maturity!! Sheeit, I only had three accidents durin that 6 months!!

Like, one nite, I accidentally knocked a gas pump over leavin th station. Well, sheeit, th fookin accelerator stuck on me as I wuz tryin to burn rubber on my way out. I think! At least that was my clean-up. I'm not quite sure whut actually happened cus I wuz a bit fucked up, y'know, after that fifth of Mad Dog.

And then there wuz th nite, in our haste to get to a “happenin” party and I misjudged th cornerin abilities of my ride a bit and I slammed head on into a telephone pole knockin it half way over. As Bobby and I climbed outta th car, cus th front wheels were about 3 1/2 off th ground, I thought,

"Oh man, now we're gonna miss all th action now. I wonder if Joanie wuz there?" A bottle of Thunderbird was responsible fer that one.

And then there wuz that nite jus before I turned 16 when I sideswiped a car goin around a corner. See, we were playin tag in th neighborhood and Billy Johnson, who wuz drivin a 50' Olds jus like mine wus gainin on me, gettin real close to a 'tag' and I hit th side of a car parked there. Curses!! There wuz a perfectly good driveway they could have put that car in, but nooooo, they had to leave it out on th street.
And I told that fucker that, when he came runnin outta his house, getting in my face and bitchin bout his car. I wanted to kick that fuckers ass, but Bobby held me back, which wuz mebbe a good thing since he wuz one big mo-fo. I told him if he had put his damned car in th driveway where it belonged, none of that shit would'a happened.

That wuz one of th first times I realized some peoples jus won't take responsibility fer their own actions. They'll always try and blame their misfortunes on some one else. I dunno tho, mebbe th Country Club Malt liquor wuz a factor. I dunno, cuz, I don't remember all that much about it. I do remember Billy Johnson tho tellin me he woulda had me fer sure if th whole thing hadn't happened. Bullshit. No way Jose, I said.

Fortunately fer me, Bobby Butler, my erstwhile amigo and fully licensed driver wuz with me on all three of these occasions. Bobby and I were given th nickname of th Wreckin Crew by our buddies. When we pulled into th drive-ins they would clap and cheer and say, "Th Wreckin Crew is here!"

Well anyway, since Bobby had a regular license, I didn't get into any trouble. Well, that is if ya don't count th fact that I wuz forever mis-labled as 'irresponsible' and 'reckless' by my parents fer th next 50 years. That wuz a jacket I never could shake. No jive, I got in an argument with my mom jus a few months ago, and she brought up those exact same incidents to make her point. Evidently, some memories jus never fade away, huh! Ha ha

Well anyway, enuff dribble, but as ya can see, I can personally attest to th value of some restrictions on younger teens licenses, like, havin a licensed driver with em. It worked fer me. There's no tellin whut kinda mischief I mighta gotten myself into if my licensed buddy hadn't been there as a stabilising influence.

th cap'm

P.S. Thinkin back, it's pretty amazin some of th things ya could get away with back in th olden days, eh? I spose thas why we think of em as "th good ol days". Before th nutcakes at MADD took over. By th way, did'ja know that th bitch who founded that organization, retired from there several years ago to become a lobbyists fer th Liquor Industry!!!!!!! I'm not shittin ya bout that one bit!! It's th Truth; th fuckin phony assed hypocrite!!!!

Subject: Th Bell Don't Toll Fer Me No Mo
Sunday February 4, 2007 11:38 PM

I went to Taco Bell today. I told th guy,

"I want four crunchy tacos, and THAT'S ALL! I don't want anything else!!"

He replied, "Three crunchy tacos. Would you like a drink with that?"

A drink????? I didn't reply. A few seconds went by and he said,

"Sir, would you like a drink with that?"

Once again, I didn't reply.

Finally he said,

"That will be 3.91. Pull up to th window please."

I pulled up to th window and th guy is lookin at me kinda strange, y'know, like he wants to see what th asshole looks like who wouldn't answer him. He holds th bag out, but I told him I wanted some extra hot sauce, so he sullenly dropped some in th bag and held it towards me and I said,

"Aaah, y'know whut, never mind dude. I'm goin to Sonic instead."

and I gave im my best grin and pulled off. Ha ha Ya might say I left im holdin th bag. Ha ha

But rilly. I mean, when ya tell some one,

"This is what I want and NOTHIN more!"

Why do they then ask ya if ya wanna drink or fries, or whatever? Huh, why? Th cap'm don't play that game, ya dig.

So, adios Taco Bell. Hasta la Vista.

th cap'm

Subject: A Pleasant Trip Gone BAD
Sunday, February 4, 2007 5:41 PM

Earlier today, I wuz goin out to visit my mom and I wuz crusin south along Ward Pkwy by Loose Park and this jogger was in th street runnin towards me. It's bitterly cold out, but this fuckin asshole jus has to get in his daily run. And since th runnin path is icy; he has to run in th street instead. He's all bundled up with his stocking cap on and his shades and his muffler, and he's runnin about 2-3 feet from th curb, and I'm sure he's thinkin,

"Man, am I fuckin cool or what! I know everybody who sees me is thinking that same thing too. I mean, sheeit, anyone with half a brain isn't even out unless they have to be, and yet here I am out in th freezin cold, doin my runnin gig, cus thas jus that kinda cool stud I am!!"

Well it pissed me off; his smug, arrogant attitude, and so I decided that I wasn't gonna veer over th center line to avoid him. I figured if he wanted to play "chicken" my 2 tons of plastic would trump his 200 lbs of flesh. I guess he felt th same way, cuz he wasn't movin over towards th curb. I guess he figured he wuz dealin with a normal, sensible, regular person who would get outta his way. He didn't realize th fiend approachin him wuz th Cap't. But, as we got nearer on our collision course, Joe Cool finally realized he better get his ass right pronto over to th curb, and I rolled my window down and hit my horn jus as we passed within a foot of each other and yelled,


and felt a smidgen better.

This didn't last long tho cus when I came to th stoplight at 63rd and Wornall, this young girly there, rappin on her phone and eatin a cookie while attemptin to make a left turn jus sat there and let th light turn red. Dumb shit. I was behind her and honked th horn and flipped her th finger and was mouthin obscenities. When th light changed green, she still didn't ease into th intersection to make her turn, but jus sat there again, and I wheeled around her yellin bad stuff at her th whole time. Sheeit.

Then a few minutes later, as I got on up around 80th and Wornall, th guy in front of me slammed on his brakes fer no apparent reason, and th only thing that kept me from plowin into his rear end was th fact that, bein th careful and diligent driver I am, I had left enuff space between our vehicles to avoid jus such a calamitous collision. Once again, in th space of 7-8 minutes I wuz forced to go to my horn again. In this case tho it wuzn't his that guy's fault, cus some old coot about 80 years old, who could barely see over his steering wheel had decided to back out of a business right onto Wornall right in front of him. Th old codger hadn't even bothered to see if mebbe some cars might be comin. Jus backed on out into th street. Well, who's got time to bother checkin mirror, mundane crap like that, right!!

Eventually, I pulled alongside that old bastard as well and rolled my window down and called him ten-thousand mutherfuckers too, but I don't think he could see me over th top of th window.

A few minutes later as I got to my mom's I wuz a bit "wound up" so to speak, Ha ha and so sat in th car fer a few minutes doin some of my Harmony and Serenity Mind Exercises, slowin my heart rate down and doin my breathin exercises, since I didn't have a joint on me. This wuz one of those times when even a Marlboro Red woulda come in handy.

And ya know whut, in spite of incidents like this that go on every single day, there are still peoples out there who oppose th death penalty? I know, go figure! And even tho you can relate examples all day long, like I've jus done, ya can't budge em!!

And whut's worse, even if ya try and compromise with th Anti-Death Penalty whackos, they still turn a deaf ear to my alternative and more benign solution, "Sterilization". This plan would effectively eliminate these 'undesirables' from th gene pool altogether. Poof!

Imagine if ya can, a World free of Joggers, Walkers, Bicyclists, Cell Phone Abusers, Teenage Drivers, Old Geezer Drivers, Blond Gurl Drivers, Illegal Immigrant Drivers, and others of their ilk. Of course we can actually never attain "Paradise", or "Nirvana", or 'Heaven", or whatever ya wanna call it here on Earth, but we can at least strive fer it, eh.

So th next time ya happen to see a parent runnin alongside their little tyke on their bike, tryin to teach em this nasty behavior, even tho technically it may be none of yer business, I think it would be perfectly OK, nay, even commendable fer ya to lower yer window and yell at em,


In fact, I believe as a good citizen, it would be yer civic duty to do so. After all, it's when we become complacent as citizens, that our Society and Culture take th nose dive we're in right now. If we don't
stop and act right now, we're all doomed!!!

I jus wish I wuz in Geo. Bush's seat and I wuz "The Decider"instead of him. This would be a different world fer sure, boyz and gurlz. I'm tellin ya, jus like Georgie hisself, I wouldn't be lettin Nobody tell
me whut's best fer this country, CUZ I KNOW WHUT'S BEST!

th cap'm

Subject: Mis-communication? Mis-translation. Quien sabe?
Friday, February 2, 2007 5:32 PM

OK amigos, last night, gettin late, sittin in a joint near closin time, a young, very attractive chiquita banana hispanic type gurl came up to th bar and in slightly accented English, ordered some drinks fer her table. So, bein th friendly kind of guy I am, and wishin to foster good relations among our different ethnic groups, ya unnerstan, I said to her, in her native tongue,

"Buenos noches senorita, me llamo es Carlos, y yo soy el Rey del Mundo!"

OK, lets break this down,

"Buenos noches, senorita" (bway-Nos- no-Cheese. seeen-Yor- Rhee-TA)

"me llamos" (may- YAH- mose)

"es Carlos" (es Carrh-LOHS)

" y, yo soy" (eee, yo soy-eee)

"el Rey del Mundo" (ell raaay) and here ya really have to “trill” the “r” sound, if ya wanna get that me-hee-cano sound right. It's difficult for us Norte-Americanos, or "Greengos" as we are affectionately known thru out Latin America, to get that sound right.

"del mundo" (dell Moon-doh)

Aw'right, th translation of all this fer all ya'll who haven't learned to speak EspaÒol yet (and shame on ya) would be,

"Good evening young lady, my name is Charles, and I am the KING OF THE WORLD".

Yeah OK, a bit over th top mebbe, I'll cop to it, but, looky here, I wuz just tryin to impress her and be popular, y'know? And mebbe bein a bit drunk silly too, ya dig? Well, she grinned, and jus looked at me and kinda giggled and took her drinks over to her table and huddled with her friends and said somethin to them and they all looked in my direction and giggled some more.

I dunno, where did I go wrong? I got th distinct impression she wuzn't much impressed. I mean, what happened? In my quest to be popular, this was not the response I wuz lookin fer! Y'know whut, I'll bet it had somethin to do with that 'trillin' sound on the 'R' I tried to lay on her. I'll bet I prolly said somethin that I really didn't mean to say. Y'know, like, a mis-pronunciation or somethin, changin th meaning entirely, like mebbe I may have said,

"Good evening young lady, my name is Charles and I AM TH SHITBIRD OF THE WORLD!!"

rather than "th King" in which case I can unnerstan her reaction. I mean, who would be impressed to speak to a Shitbird, as opposed to a King? On th other hand, maybe she did hear me correctly and thought I wuz just blowin smoke at her!! Like, mebbe she didn't believe I wuz th King of th World.

But, that would be only partially correcto, cuz ya know whut; years ago, before I wuz 'the cap't', I wuz known as 'th King.". Thas right, that wuz my nickname then. When I walked into my joint peoples would say,

"Hey yo, KING, sup!"

Somewhere along th line, I wuz demoted from “th King” to “th Captain.” I dunno why, but whut th hell, sometimes Life deals us these little setbacks, es la Verdad, eh!

Well, sheeit! On reflection, I don't think I'm gonna try so hard to be popular anymore, cuz invariably, I jus wind up feelin like a joik. And thas not good fer my Self Esteem.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Thrice-Baked Potato: Pushin Th Culinary Envelope
Tuesday, January 30 2007 7:24 PM

Have ya ever had a twice-baked potato? What's th deal with that? Sheeit.

I decided I could do better than that. Thus, this afternoon, I decided to explore......and go where no man.......blah, blah blah,

I wanted to see what would happen if we went one more time, and go for the Big Three! Th Thrice Baked Potato. I carefully selected a fine Idaho baking potato and placed it in my 375 degree pre-heated oven. I let it bake fer a while. I'm not bein deliberately vague here, it's jus that my timin device was malfunctionin at th time, so I don't reely know how long it was in there. I took it out of th oven and placed it on th counter and observed it closely. Nothin happened.

I put it back in the oven for a while longer and extracted it once again. Still nothin happenin there. I put it back in for th thrice time and took it out again and sat it on th counter for th final time. There
it is; th thrice baked potato!! Still it jus sat there.

I placed my pet rock Orson next to it, expectin some kind of interaction. I watched them both very closely fer a long time. I mean, very closely. I was perfectly still, hopin not to disrupt any dynamic, which might occur...I didn't move...... neither did they!!

I focused my entire being on them. Time stood still. And then. at some point, I realized I could no longer perceive either one of em. They had evidently become invisible. I said to myself, 'WOW, this is too much! After th third bakin, th potato becomes invisible." But then I thought to myself,

"Hmmmm, not only can I not see th rock and th potato, I can't see any fuckin thing at all! Have I gone utterly blind?" I shrieked in a brief moment of panic.

But nothin so dramatic as that. No, no. it would seem that, so intent was I in my observations, I had failed to realize that th sun had set and it was now night time. This explained a lot! th end, what I wound up with, was a rock and a potato sittin there on my counter.... in th darkness... perfectly still! So.... what was I expectin ya ask? I dunno! Jus somethin more, thas all,
ya'know! Jus somethin more!!!

A thrice-baked potato? Pshaw! Big fuckin deal!!

th capt

Subject: The SuperBowl Fan
Tuesday, January 30, 2007 6:49 PM

With th Super Bowl drawin nearer, this seems apropos. And it's kinda
funny too.

th cap'm

Subject: EXTREME FOOD FREEK?? You Be Th Judge
Saturday, January 27, 2007 3:45 AM

Earlier I was over at the elderly lady's crib, that I drive about. I was setting out her fixin's for some guests she was having over later on. Yeah, see, besides bein her driver, I'm also her chef, caterer,
decorator, room arranger and general all round go-fer. Don't snicker tho, cuz she pays me very handsomely for every little chore she asks of me.

But while I was setting the table, two of her guests (her great grand daughter and great great grandson) arrived a bit early. And while I was carrying on a little conversation with the grand daughter, who is maybe 21-23 years old, I mentioned that one of my favorite snacks was, bananas, and Oreo cookies gulped down with copious amounts of ice cold milk!

And when I said that, her eyes got real big and she wrinkled her nose in distaste, (gasp) and she said,
"Eeeew. Omigod! I've never heard of that in my entire life!!"

I explained to her that the crunchy chocolatey taste of th Oreos made a nice contrast with th sweet mushiness of th bananas, all washed down with ice cold creamy milk, made for a real nice taste treat. She said, with more than a trace of of sarcasm and doubt in her voice,

"If you say so!"

I'm sorry. but scuuuuse me? Is that considered weird? Bananas, Oreo cookies and milk? Sheeit, I have been eating that my entire life, and it never occurred to me for one second that there was anything strange in any way about it. Does that combination sound strange to you? I mean, how could any thing that tastes that fookin good be considered weird? I was frankly puzzled at her reaction. I attributed it to maybe a generational gap or somthin.

I get much th same reaction any time I mention peanut butter and syrup mixed together. Peoples look at you like yer deranged or somthin. But au contraire! There's nothin more delicious fer breakfast than to mix yer peanut butter real good with some thin Log Cabin syrup (you can use any kind of syrup you want tho) and then drag yer toast, bacon or sausage thru it. It tastes a lot like th caramel you find in th center of most candy bars, which obviously is perfectly OK with everybody.

When I mention smoky link sausages and chocolate-chip ice cream, peoples almost gag! Why? I ask? When ya take a bite of th sausage and th hot grease squirts in yer mouth, and then follow that with a bite of th cold, sweet, smooth ice cream, and chase it all down with a glug of milk, it's really quite delightful. They say th idea is repugnant to em. I say, in defense,

"Well, sheeit, are you tellin me you've never eaten a hot dog with a
milkshake before?"

Now, I venture to say most peoples have done that before, right? Yet they find nothing outrageous bout that. But it's th same fookin thing with th sausage and ice cream. Once it's all in yer mouth, th various
flavors all mingling and melding together, you got some very pleasant taste sensations goin on that'll bring a smile of satisfaction and contentment to yer face. I wouldn't smoke ya on this. Try it sometime.
You'll thank me later.

Cap't Hoohah, Foods Guru At Large

Subject: Disaster Comes Knockin, But Th Cap't Doesn't Answer Th Door
Wednesday, January, 24 2007 6:00 PM

I hadda a kinda close call last nite. My furnace here doesn't work very well. It's 54 degrees back in my bedroom, so I crash on th sofa in th living room where it's about 60.

I have an electric space heater, which sits on th floor right next to th sofa. I have it propped at an angle so it's heat is projected upwards rather than into th side of th sofa.

So, I was lyin here with my back to th heater. I had a pillow on my back over th covers for a bit more warmth, and I had been tryin to get to sleep for a bit, Morpheus havin gotten snagged in traffic I spose, and I noticed a slight smell after a while. I attributed it to th smell th heating unit makes when it gets red hot. I just co-incidentally was thinking I needed to buy a new battery for th smoke alarm, since it was

But as I laid there, I kept smellin that smell, and suddenly it occurred to me why I recognized it. It occurred to me that that's th smell of something burning. AHA! I know that smell well, from past experience. So I Turned over and CURSES my pillow had fallen off and was wedged between th heater and th sofa and was smokin. Once again, and even tho I was drunk, I knew that th pillow wasn't supposed to do that. After all, it's a fuckin pillow!!! It's not supposed to smoke!! So I yanked it away.

Damn! There was a burnt hole in th pillow about 10-12 inches across!!

Damned pillow and pillow case both ruined. Sheeit. What th fu......?

Why can't they make pillows that are fireproof so one can sleep comfortably without having to get up to see if they're in flames?

Sheeit. If they can make an electric can opener, why in th hell can't they make a fireproof pillow?

In retrospect, I guess it reely wasn't that close a call. I mean, if yer pillow was in flames on th floor next to yer bed, wouldn't ya notice that eventually?! Well, anyway, I'm not gonna find out th hard way cuz I'm not usin my pillow for a blanket any more! Tonite I'm jus gonna activate my electric blanket system. Now all I gotta worry bout is bein electrocuted!

th cap'm

Subject: St Anthony To The Rescue, or, All Things Come To The Patient Man
Wednesday, January 24, 2007 2:18 PM

OK, now, I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna do it again.

You've all heard me extolling th virtues and efficiency of St. Anthony in th past. Prolly more times than you care to remember, eh! But just to recap, for those of you with bad memorys, St. Anthony is th Patron Saint Of Lost Things.

What does that mean? Well, sheeit ese, it means jus what it sez; if ya lose somthin, he will help ya find it. Over many years, I have used his services more times than I could begin to tell ya.

Like, about 5 months ago, I lost my bi-focals. I searched thoroughly every where about my crib, car, yard, every place, y'unnerstan! Then I searched again. And again. After a couple of days, I decided it was time to get down and get serious.
So, I asked for St. Anthony's assistance. Now, unnerstan, he doesn't always jus jump up and hand you yer missin object. He's a busy dude, y'know, and also he works in Subtle and Mysterious ways. Sometimes he might take days to find yer missin object, but he will get around to it.

OK, here's another important thing you should know about St. Anthony. You don't have to be a Catholic to use him. Hell, you don't even have to b a Christian!! He could care less about yer religious affiliation. You could be Buddhist, Shinto, Muslim, Jewish, Confucian, Bulgarian, y'know, whatever. Heck, he'll assist you even if yer an Atheist or a Irish Protestant, fr'instance. He's not one fer formalities either. You don't have to go thru any elaborate rituals, involving burning incense, and prostrating yerself on th floor or kneeling or sacrifice any kind of animals. And he wouldn't even think bout askin fer yer first born son!!! Thas those other guy's style. He's not like that. Aw'right, I jus wanted to make it clear that it's a simple matter to engage him.

So after I put my request to him, I sat back and waited. Days went by. Then weeks. Nada! But I kept th faith. See, I'm a patient kinda guy. Ha ha I can hear th snickerin from here, but no jive, I am! Jus ask any one who's ever seen me waitin in a line. Well, wait a minute, that is, if ya can find some one who's ever seen me in a line, cus, like, hey Duke, I don't reely have time to be standin around in no fuckin lines!!! Waitin fer some damn thing? Sheeit. I'm a busy person, ya dig!

Well anyway, as th months went on, I had kinda forgotten bout my glasses. I jus figured Anthony was swamped, what with th holidays and all. I mean, I'm not th only person out there who misplaces things y'know. There's alotta of "finding" to be done, and sometimes it takes longer than others. No explainin it, thas jus th way it is!

OK, so then, less than two weeks ago, I was unable to squeeze my new TV thru th front door cuz there was a big box there that prevented th door from bein opened all th way. It's interesting to note that this box was th box that my original TV came in 5 years ago. I had been meaning to remove it eventually, but as I've mentioned before, I am a busy person.

Besides, not bein a rotund person, it had never a problem fer me before tho as I was still able to easily slip in and out. But in order to get th TV thru th door I had to move th obstructing box outta th way! Sheeit, why must things always get so complicated eh? But dig this!!! When I moved it outta th way, THERE WERE MY GLASSES on th floor between th box and th baseboard.

Un-fuckin-believable, I'm tellin ya!! I was totally stunned. I jus stood there starin at em lyin there. That box had been there for years, literally. I couldn't begin to imagine how my glasses had wound up behind it?

This box was about 3 feet wide and 3 1/2 feet high. You would have to toss th glasses against th wall and let em drop to th floor behind th box to put em there. And I didn't do that!!!!

This is another reason why workin with St Anthony can be such a pleasant experience. You recall me sayin how he works in subtle and mysterious ways, but th dude's also got a real sense of humor. This is a good example of that. Yer missin objects are likely to be found in places you would never have imagined them to be, and you can't help but grin at some of th places they wind up in. (one time years ago I found my glasses many days later in th freezer. Ha ha)

OK boyz and gurlz, once again another Success story of his amazing abilities. So, next time you lose somethin, look fer it. Look everywhere. Look some more. Then, ask fer St. Anthony to help ya. You won't be disappointed cuz, th dude is GOOD, I'm tellin ya!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Interview with Jen Chen
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 5:39 PM

Last nite this gurl reporter for th Pitch named Jen Chen, who writes th "Night Ranger" column was in Mikes and she came over and was talkin to me and my buddy Ernie about th joint.

I was kinda drunk and I'm not exactly sure what all I may have said to her. I'm pretty sure I was babbling tho, as I'm wont to do sometimes. I'm hoping I didn't make a too big of a fool of myself. Not so hard to do sometimes. Ha ha

Not sure when they're gonna run th story. Next couple of weeks I would imagine. Don't misunderstand me tho, th article is not gonna be about me. It's about Mike's.

th cap'm

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 4:01 PM

OK ya'll, my ex-wife sent this to me. Because of my punk-ass webtv I am
unable to access it myself, so I've neither seen nor heard it. Th contents are a total mystery to moi.

But this is a video I guess, of my son Jason's new band in St. Louie called Walkie-Talkie USA.

So, here now fer yer listenin pleasure,


th cap't

P.S.Their logo is pretty cool I think. You gurls may not remember this, cuz you were prolly too busy playin hopscotch and combin each others hair and other such nonsense, and some of you guyz may be too young to remember, but years ago when you played with your little plastic toy soldiers, (y'know, like, BANG! BANG! YER DEAD MURTHFUCKER!) you would have a rifleman fr'instance standin up shootin, and one lying down, and one kneelin, and a machine gunner, and one throwin a grenade, and so on. You remember, don'cha? But one of th guyz was on one knee with a big radio on his back with an antennae. Thas their logo. Th radio dude who handled th walky-talky.

th cap'm


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