Subject: St Anthony To The Rescue, or, All Things Come To The Patient Man
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2007 2:18 PM

OK, now, I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna do it again.

You've all heard me extolling th virtues and efficiency of St. Anthony in th past. Prolly more times than you care to remember, eh! But just to recap, for those of you with bad memorys, St. Anthony is th Patron Saint Of Lost Things.

What does that mean? Well, sheeit ese, it means jus what it sez; if ya lose somthin, he will help ya find it. Over many years, I have used his services more times than I could begin to tell ya.

Like, about 5 months ago, I lost my bi-focals. I searched thoroughly every where about my crib, car, yard, every place, y'unnerstan! Then I searched again. And again. After a couple of days, I decided it was time to get down and get serious.
So, I asked for St. Anthony's assistance. Now, unnerstan, he doesn't always jus jump up and hand you yer missin object. He's a busy dude, y'know, and also he works in Subtle and Mysterious ways. Sometimes he might take days to find yer missin object, but he will get around to it.

OK, here's another important thing you should know about St. Anthony. You don't have to be a Catholic to use him. Hell, you don't even have to b a Christian!! He could care less about yer religious affiliation. You could be Buddhist, Shinto, Muslim, Jewish, Confucian, Bulgarian, y'know, whatever. Heck, he'll assist you even if yer an Atheist or a Irish Protestant, fr'instance. He's not one fer formalities either. You don't have to go thru any elaborate rituals, involving burning incense, and prostrating yerself on th floor or kneeling or sacrifice any kind of animals. And he wouldn't even think bout askin fer yer first born son!!! Thas those other guy's style. He's not like that. Aw'right, I jus wanted to make it clear that it's a simple matter to engage him.

So after I put my request to him, I sat back and waited. Days went by. Then weeks. Nada! But I kept th faith. See, I'm a patient kinda guy. Ha ha I can hear th snickerin from here, but no jive, I am! Jus ask any one who's ever seen me waitin in a line. Well, wait a minute, that is, if ya can find some one who's ever seen me in a line, cus, like, hey Duke, I don't reely have time to be standin around in no fuckin lines!!! Waitin fer some damn thing? Sheeit. I'm a busy person, ya dig!

Well anyway, as th months went on, I had kinda forgotten bout my glasses. I jus figured Anthony was swamped, what with th holidays and all. I mean, I'm not th only person out there who misplaces things y'know. There's alotta of "finding" to be done, and sometimes it takes longer than others. No explainin it, thas jus th way it is!

OK, so then, less than two weeks ago, I was unable to squeeze my new TV thru th front door cuz there was a big box there that prevented th door from bein opened all th way. It's interesting to note that this box was th box that my original TV came in 5 years ago. I had been meaning to remove it eventually, but as I've mentioned before, I am a busy person.

Besides, not bein a rotund person, it had never a problem fer me before tho as I was still able to easily slip in and out. But in order to get th TV thru th door I had to move th obstructing box outta th way! Sheeit, why must things always get so complicated eh? But dig this!!! When I moved it outta th way, THERE WERE MY GLASSES on th floor between th box and th baseboard.

Un-fuckin-believable, I'm tellin ya!! I was totally stunned. I jus stood there starin at em lyin there. That box had been there for years, literally. I couldn't begin to imagine how my glasses had wound up behind it?

This box was about 3 feet wide and 3 1/2 feet high. You would have to toss th glasses against th wall and let em drop to th floor behind th box to put em there. And I didn't do that!!!!

This is another reason why workin with St Anthony can be such a pleasant experience. You recall me sayin how he works in subtle and mysterious ways, but th dude's also got a real sense of humor. This is a good example of that. Yer missin objects are likely to be found in places you would never have imagined them to be, and you can't help but grin at some of th places they wind up in. (one time years ago I found my glasses many days later in th freezer. Ha ha)

OK boyz and gurlz, once again another Success story of his amazing abilities. So, next time you lose somethin, look fer it. Look everywhere. Look some more. Then, ask fer St. Anthony to help ya. You won't be disappointed cuz, th dude is GOOD, I'm tellin ya!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Interview with Jen Chen
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2007 5:39 PM

Last nite this gurl reporter for th Pitch named Jen Chen, who writes th "Night Ranger" column was in Mikes and she came over and was talkin to me and my buddy Ernie about th joint.

I was kinda drunk and I'm not exactly sure what all I may have said to her. I'm pretty sure I was babbling tho, as I'm wont to do sometimes. I'm hoping I didn't make a too big of a fool of myself. Not so hard to do sometimes. Ha ha

Not sure when they're gonna run th story. Next couple of weeks I would imagine. Don't misunderstand me tho, th article is not gonna be about me. It's about Mike's.

th cap'm

Subject: LO-FI SAINT LOUIS
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2007 4:01 PM

OK ya'll, my ex-wife sent this to me. Because of my punk-ass webtv I am
unable to access it myself, so I've neither seen nor heard it. Th contents are a total mystery to moi.

But this is a video I guess, of my son Jason's new band in St. Louie called Walkie-Talkie USA.

So, here now fer yer listenin pleasure,

WALKIE-TALKIE USA.

th cap't

P.S.Their logo is pretty cool I think. You gurls may not remember this, cuz you were prolly too busy playin hopscotch and combin each others hair and other such nonsense, and some of you guyz may be too young to remember, but years ago when you played with your little plastic toy soldiers, (y'know, like, BANG! BANG! YER DEAD MURTHFUCKER!) you would have a rifleman fr'instance standin up shootin, and one lying down, and one kneelin, and a machine gunner, and one throwin a grenade, and so on. You remember, don'cha? But one of th guyz was on one knee with a big radio on his back with an antennae. Thas their logo. Th radio dude who handled th walky-talky.

th cap'm

http://lofistl.com/

Subject: Something To Keep In Mind When You're Drunk And Stoned
Date: Friday, January 19, 2007 4:49 PM

OK, here's a helpful hint for ya boyz and gurlz; an early morning tip for ya, altho this bit of advice comes in handy no matter what time it is.

When yer shakin yer condiments, or anything else that might be needin some shakin before use.

ALWAYS MAKE SURE THE CAP ON THE CONTAINER IS SECURE!

Here's what happened to me, but keep this in mind, This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Profit by my experience! I came home early this morn and decided to do a hot dog, so I fried th dude up, and was thinkin some BBQ sauce would be a nice touch, so I got a bottle of Gate's (extra hot, but of course) outta th ice box, and readin that part where it cautions one to shake th contents well before usin, thas exactly what I proceeded to do. I shook it vigorously. I mean, Duke, I shook th crap outta it!!

And while I was shakin th bottle, my eyes saw th bottle cap fly off and my ears picked up th vibrations it made as it bounced off th wall. Th eyes further documented th BBQ sauce flyin outta th bottle everywhere, all over th stove, th ice box, th floor, th walls, y'know, like I said, all over th fuckin place!

Well, when my brain got th distressin signals from my visual and aural systems, it analyzed th info, but since there were additional chemicals operatin besides th regulars, it took a bit longer than usual to process all th info it was gettin, but shortly it came to th conclusion that somthin was seriously amiss; this isn't right. This is not good. Alarm bells and whistles went off. Mental klaxons shrieked!
Then, recognizin th unfoldin disaster goin on, it sent emergency signals to th muscles in my arm to cease and desist immediately! After what seemed an eternity, finally my arm stopped it's frantic back and forth gyrations.

Whew! Finally takin in th chaos and mess all around me; now my brain was really gettin a lotta signals, all of em Muy Malo. It sent a SitRep to my mind. (for all you none military types, thas a 'situation report', an assessment of what is goin on)

As I stood there, lookin around, a bit wobbly with a pronounced swayin motion, cuz my internal gyro was not functioning 100%, it struck me as pretty damned irresponsible that th makers of that damned bottle didn't say anything, anywhere on there bout makin sure th fuckin cap is on tight, before they tell ya to shake th fuckin bottle!!

I mean, how difficult would that be, really?

I was righteously incensed. It occurred to me briefly, to hurl th rest of th bottle at th wall too, y'know, as in a gesture, of my y'know, like, Fuck Ii Attitude!!

But, fortunately, cooler, more calm portions of th brain took over, suppressin th rogue elements that are always there tryin to take control, Y'know what I'm talkin bout, don'cha?!

And as mad as I was at 3:30 in th morning, sheeit, I was twice as mad at noon when I got up and went in th kitchen to have a little snack and discovered what had happened earlier! Curses!! I looked at th Chaos of my kitchen, and I thought,

"What th fu.....?"

And then, It all came back to me.

"Damn", I thought, "I jus wanted a little somthin to eat, Now, I got this mess starin at me. Whadda I'm gonna do now?"

All that cursed BBQ sauce had hardened up makin th clean-up process considerably more difficult. Sheeit. Well obviously I'm just gonna have to clean up all that shit one of these days when I get th time.

So, I retreated to th sofa, to ponder my options. I was lyin there thinkin bout doin th cleanup thing this afternoon, and I closed my eyes for jus a sec and I was lyin on a soft carpet of grass, and th sunlight filtered thru th trees warming my face, and bees and insects were all buzzin around, and I heard th soft hummin of a hummingbird, and I could smell th scent of lavender wafting on th warm, spring breeze, and jus barely audible, off in th distance, I heard th unmistakeable raucous squawking of a Black Billed Magpie as he flitted from tree to tree seekin his mate, and high above, I spotted a kestrel casually ridin th thermals.......
and then I took another toke......and resolved to clean th kitchen one day soon. I mean, what th hell, no need to panic. It's not like I'm facin a deadline or anythin, eh! Mañana will work jus fine!! Or...perhaps th day after?

th cap'm

Subject: Article by MSNBC's Keith Olbermann "Countdown"
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2007 7:15 PM

I was sent this by my erstwhile buddy Mike G. It's an absolutely excellent article that I couldn't agree with more. I wrote something similar a few days ago, altho of course, not so eloquent, but never did send it. This article sez just about everything I feel about the situation tho, but in a more articulate and carefully thought out manner.

It's unbelievable what this MADMAN has done to our country. unwilling to listen to the Amerikan peoples, unwilling to listen to the Congress, unwilling to listen to the Iraqis themselves; this one man continues single-handedly to push this country to further disaster, and he does it all with the smug arrogance and assurance of the Extreme Ego-Maniac, of the LUNATIC!! Let me be brutally candid here if I might; it isn't just that I don't like Geo. Bush; I HATE THE SUNUVABITCH!!!!

As far as I'm concerned, how can one be civil and respectul of some one as despicable as he has proven himself to be. It's my opinion that 'the most powerful man in the world' is naught but a stark raving mad, ego-maniacal lunatic!!!
If Geo. Bush had been born in Germany in 1900, no one would have ever heard of Adolph Hitler. He would have been a minor functionary in The Leader's Government. Heil Bush!!!!

I wonder how many peoples today still make jokes bout those dumb French bastards who refused to join us in our mission to remove Weapons of Mass Destruction which were ready to be unleashed on Amerikan cities by a brutal dictator at any moment. You recall the slogan,

NO MUSHROOM CLOUDS OVER AMERIKA!!

Yeah, they were widely castigated and reviled by the vast majority of the amerikan peoples. The stupid fucks in Congress went so far as to change the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' in their dining room, one of the most idiotic things I ever heard of, but still, typical of the anti-French fevor of the times. The late nite TV comedians had a field day at their expense. Ironic isn't it; the old cliche bout the last laugh, cuz I would imagine those froggies have had more than their share of chuckles at our folly.

I imagine today that any one with just half a brain, would wish like hell we had listened to those dumb, cowardly 'frogs', who didn't feel an insatiable, compelling desire to Liberate the Iraqis and give them some Democracy, which of course they couldn't fucking care less about. I can't begin to imagine the anguish and pain felt by the families of those lost and wounded there in this totally senseless endeavor.

Well, enuff blather and drivel from me, the article below. th cap'm

****************

Bush's Legacy: The President Who Cried Wolf
By Keith Olbermann
MSNBC "Countdown"Thursday 11 January 2007

Bush's strategy fails because it depends on his credibility.

Only this president, only in this time, only with this dangerous, even messianic certitude, could answer a country demanding an exit strategy from Iraq, by offering an entrance strategy for Iran.

Only this president could look out over a vista of 3,008 dead and 22,834 wounded in Iraq, and finally say, "Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me" - only to follow that by proposing to repeat the identical mistake ... in Iran.

Only this president could extol the "thoughtful recommendations of the Iraq Study Group," and then take its most far-sighted recommendation - "engage Syria and Iran" - and transform it into "threaten Syria and Iran" - when al-Qaida would like nothing better than for us to threaten Syria, and when Iranian
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would like nothing better than to be threatened by us. This is diplomacy by skimming; it is internationalism by drawing pictures of Superman in the margins of the textbooks; it is a presidency of Cliff Notes.

And to Iran and Syria - and, yes, also to the insurgents in Iraq – we must look like a country run by the equivalent of the drunken pest who gets battered to the floor of the saloon by one punch, then staggers to his feet, and shouts at the other guy's friends, "Ok, which one of you is next?"

Mr. Bush, the question is no longer "What are you thinking?" but rather "Are you thinking at all?"

"I have made it clear to the prime minister and Iraq's other leaders that America's commitment is not open-ended," you said last night.

And yet - without any authorization from the public, which spoke so loudly and clearly to you in November's elections - without any consultation with Congress (in which key members of your own party, including Senators Sam Brownback, Norm Coleman and Chuck Hagel, are fleeing for higher ground) - without any awareness that you are doing exactly the opposite of what Baker-Hamilton urged you to do - you seem to be ready to make an open-ended commitment (on America's behalf) to do whatever you want, in Iran.

Our military, Mr. Bush, is already stretched so thin by this bogus adventure in Iraq that even a majority of serving personnel are willing to tell pollsters that they are dissatisfied with your prosecution of the war.

It is so weary that many of the troops you have just consigned to Iraq will be on their second tours or their third tours or their fourth tours - and now you're going to make them take on Iran and Syria as well?

Who is left to go and fight, sir?

Who are you going to send to "interrupt the flow of support from Iran and Syria?"

Laura and Barney?

The line is from the movie "Chinatown" and I quote it often: "Middle of a drought," the mortician chuckles, "and the water commissioner drowns. Only in L.A.!"

Middle of a debate over the lives and deaths of another 21,500 of our citizens in Iraq, and the president wants to saddle up against Iran and Syria.

Maybe that's the point - to shift the attention away from just how absurd and childish this latest war strategy is (strategy, that is, for the war already under way, and not the one on deck). We are going to put 17,500 more troops into Baghdad and 4,000 more into Anbar Province to give the Iraqi government "breathing space."

In and of itself that is an awful and insulting term. The lives of 21,500 more Americans endangered, to give "breathing space" to a government that just turned the first and perhaps the most sober act of any democracy - the capital punishment of an ousted dictator - into a vengeance lynching so barbaric and so lacking in the solemnities necessary for credible authority, that it might have offended the Ku Klux Klan of the 19th century.

And what will our men and women in Iraq do? The ones who will truly live - and die - during what Mr. Bush said last night will be a "year ahead" that "will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve?"

They will try to seal Sadr City and other parts of Baghdad where the civil war is worst.

Mr. Bush did not mention that while our people are trying to do that, the factions in the civil war will no longer have to focus on killing each other, but rather they can focus anew on killing our people.

Because last night the president foolishly all but announced that we will be sending these 21,500 poor souls, but no more after that, and if the whole thing fizzles out, we're going home.

The plan fails militarily.
The plan fails symbolically.
The plan fails politically.

Most importantly, perhaps, Mr. Bush, the plan fails because it still depends on your credibility.

You speak of mistakes and of the responsibility "resting" with you.

But you do not admit to making those mistakes. And you offer us nothing to justify this clenched fist toward Iran and Syria.

In fact, when you briefed news correspondents off-the-record before the speech, they were told, once again, "if you knew what we knew ∑ if you saw what we saw ∑ "

"If you knew what we knew" was how we got into this morass in Iraq in the first place.

The problem arose when it turned out that the question wasn't whether we knew what you knew, but whether you knew what you knew.

You, sir, have become the president who cried wolf. All that you say about Iraq now could be gospel. All that you say about Iran and Syria now could be prescient and essential.

We no longer have a clue, sir. We have heard too many stories.

Many of us are as inclined to believe you just shuffled the director of national intelligence over to the State Department because he thought you were wrong about Iran.

Many of us are as inclined to believe you just put a pilot in charge of ground wars in Iraq and Afghanistan because he would be truly useful in an air war next door in Iran. Your assurances, sir, and your demands that we trust you, have lost all shape and texture.

They are now merely fertilizer for conspiracy theories. They are now fertilizer, indeed.

The pile has been built slowly and with seeming care. I read this list last night, before the president's speech, and it bears repeating because its shape and texture are perceptible only in such a context.

Before Mr. Bush was elected, he said nation-building was wrong for America.

Now he says it is vital. He said he would never put U.S. troops under foreign control.

Last night he promised to embed them in Iraqi units.He told us about WMD. Mobile labs. Secret sources. Aluminum tubes. Yellow-cake.

He has told us the war is necessary: Because Saddam was a material threat. Because of 9/11.Because of Osama bin Laden. Al-Qaida. Terrorism in general.
To liberate Iraq. To spread freedom. To spread Democracy. To prevent terrorism by gas price increases. Because this was a guy who tried to kill his dad.
Because - 439 words in to the speech last night, he trotted out 9/11 again.

In advocating and prosecuting this war he passed on a chance to get Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

To get Muqtada al-Sadr. To get Bin Laden. He sent in fewer troops than the generals told him to. He ordered the Iraqi army disbanded and the Iraqi government "de-Baathified."

He short-changed Iraqi training. He neglected to plan for widespread looting. He did not anticipate sectarian violence. He sent in troops without life-saving equipment. He gave jobs to foreign contractors, and not Iraqis. He staffed U.S. positions there, based on partisanship, not professionalism.

He and his government told us: America had prevailed, mission accomplished, the resistance was in its last throes. He has insisted more troops were not necessary. He has now insisted more troops are necessary.

He has insisted it's up to the generals, and then removed some of the generals who said more troops would not be necessary. He has trumpeted the turning points: The fall of Baghdad, the death of Uday and Qusay, the capture of Saddam. A provisional government, a charter, a constitution, the trial of Saddam. Elections, purple fingers, another government, the death of Saddam.

He has assured us: We would be greeted as liberators - with flowers;

As they stood up, we would stand down. We would stay the course; we were never about "stay the course."

We would never have to go door-to-door in Baghdad. And, last night, that to gain Iraqis' trust, we would go door-to-door in Baghdad.

He told us the enemy was al-Qaida, foreign fighters, terrorists, Baathists, and now Iran and Syria.

He told us the war would pay for itself. It would cost $1.7 billion. $100 billion. $400 billion. Half a trillion. Last night's speech alone cost another $6 billion.

And after all of that, now it is his credibility versus that of generals, diplomats, allies, Democrats, Republicans, the Iraq Study Group, past presidents, voters last November and the majority of the American people.

Oh, and one more to add, tonight: Oceania has always been at war with East Asia.

Mr. Bush, this is madness.

You have lost the military.
You have lost the Congress to the Democrats.
You have lost most of the Iraqis.
You have lost many of the Republicans.
You have lost our allies.
You are losing the credibility, not just of your presidency, but more importantly of the office itself.

And most imperatively, you are guaranteeing that more American troops will be losing their lives, and more families their loved ones. You are guaranteeing it!

This becomes your legacy, sir: How many of those you addressed last night as your "fellow citizens" you just sent to their deaths. And for what, Mr. Bush? So the next president has to pull the survivors out of Iraq instead of you?

Good night and good luck.
-------
th cap'm

Subject: Does Any One Remember Today's Significance?
Date: Monday, January 15, 2007 2:12 PM

I know this is a tuff one, but if ya stop and think, mebbe it'll come back to ya.

OK, give up?

Forty years ago, Jan. 15, 1967, th Kansas City Chiefs lost th first Super Bowl to th Green Bay Packers!

th cap'm

P.S. Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!! (Whew! thas a mouthful, eh)

Subject: Hillary Clinton's Running Mate
Date: Friday, January 12, 2007 4:53 PM

I jus came from th grocery store and while I was standin in line, I happened to see th front cover of th Worlds News Weekly and th leading headline there was,
HILLARY NAMES BIGFOOT AS RUNNING MATE!

Quite frankly, I was surprised! I have kicked this question of her running mate around with various friends before and, well, I didn't see that one comin.

I know he's got good name recognition and all that, and his stand on th environment is commendable, but th fact is; his base support is not all that big.
But besides that, I think th fact that he stinks would be a major stumbling block for him. I don't mean, "stinks" in th sense that he's lousy, or not qualified, cuz he's certainly as capable as th rest of th field, but I'm talkin bout his serious body odor issues.

I mean, you wouldn't wanna be stuck in an elevator with him fer a ride to th top floor, ya dig! Also, his slovenly personal appearance only compounds his odiforous problems. His skills as a public speaker are woefully inadequate, thus makin his lack of any kind of charisma even more apparent and he needs to get a new barber fer sure. Lots of Negatives. In my opinion; a bad choice!!

My advice to Hilary in this case would be; weigh th pro's and con's, but in th end,

"Let yer eyes, ears, and nose be yer guide."

th cap't, political pundit, spresses hisself.

Subject: Always Read The Instructions
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2007 10:52 PM

Boy, I had a close call with disaster earlier today. I was getting ready to throw a beer bottle thru my new TV cuz I was gettin frustrated cus I couldn't get a picture. But before I hurled it, I decided to check th user's manual to see if I might get a clue as to what th problem was. Thas when I read this,

DO NOT THROW ANYTHING AT THE TV!

Say what? Since when? What th hell's th deal with that? Is that true of all new TV's now? Who came up with that one? I mean, how in th hell are ya supposed to express yer anger and outrage at a bad call by th ref, fr'instance? Whadd'ya supposed to do when The Leader comes on spewing his Insane Brand of Bullshit? Who sits around makin up all these rules, restrictions and regulations anyway? Sheeit. Gimme a break huh! Whas next?

I wish I'd read that before I bought th damn thing!

th cap'm

P.S. And ya know what else? Now I got another "remote" to keep track of. This is gettin ridiculous! I got a remote fer my old TV, I got one for my VCR, one for my DVD player, one for my stereo, one for my webtv, one fer my electric fork, and now finally, another one for my new TV. Where will it end? Enuff is enuff.

Subject: Th Cap't Continues To Surge Forward
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2007 7:50 PM

I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, I've been on a technological roll here th last 5 years. When I turned 60, I decided mebbe it was time to play some catch-up. I'd been kinda remiss in stayin abreast with a changin world.

So my first step was to go out and buy a real nice Sony sound system, complete with CD player, huge speakers, y'know th whole works.

I followed that up with an Electric Can Opener. I'd been crankin those cans open all my life with that small hand operated device. With this gadget, you jus clamp th can in place, hit th switch, and with a whirrin sound, th can revolves and th top is bein cut off as it turns, and

Voila, yer can is opened. It's amazin bro, I'm tellin ya!!

OK, next, a few months later, so tickled was I with th performance of my can opener, I went out and bought a Radar Range. I know....peoples call em micro-waves today, but fer me, it's still a Radar Range. (You may have a refrigerator, I got an "icebox") After I took that dude outta th box and fired it up, I proceeded to zap jus about every damn thing in my kitchen! I micro-waved stuff that was never meant to be micro-waved, but sheeit, I jus wanted to see what it could do, y'know. You know how it is when ys get a new toy.

Next, after a year or so, I picked up a COLOR TV. Once again, I was amazed. WOW!! Look at th COLORS! Most of my life, I'd been livin in black n' white. Now, th sky was a bright, sparkling blue, and th grass a verdant green. and, well, y'know, everything was just so darned colorful. I had always thought you could only get those kinda colors with some kinda psychedelic aids.

Then, since I now had a color TV, I bought a VCR and so could then tape and watch programs when it was more convenient. I could now watch shows I'd never been to able to see before since they originally came on durin “drinkin hours.”

Another year passed and I was given a DVD player as a birthday present.

Then I bought a pair of binoculars, jus in case I wanted to get a close look at some birds or somethin. A stop watch, so I could time th lengths of commercials.

A small hand-held tape recorder, so as to record my thoughts before they got lost in th cacophony of all th other stuff bangin around in my mind.

And then today, this afternoon, I bought a big screen High Def TV. It's so fuckin cool, it makes me actually wanna watch TV. (altho I'm not so sure that's necessarily a good thing) And here's th kicker, I'm getting cable this Saturday!! No ive, I'm gonna be one hep cat!! Whoooo boy, I am in like Flynn now! (that last line prolly doesn't mean anything to young peoples, eh)

So, don't let nobody tell ya th capt's still livin in th 20 th Century, cuz I'm here baby, right here in th Third Millennium with th rest of ya'll!!

Word!!

th cap'm

Subject: If Ya Happen To Be In A Smarmy Mood, This Is For You
Date: Wednesday, January 10, 2007 6:17 PM

My buddy Mike G.sent this to me, knowin that I used to drive a hack myself. A bit long, but it's pretty good! I don't know the guy who wrote this, but it rings true to me, cuz there are a lotta cabbies out there who are every bit as decent as any body else you might meet. see below.

*************

I hope you have a few minutes to read this touching story.

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 A.M, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on It, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".

"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long." I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

************

I sent th following reply back to mi amigo.

************

Very nice story. I can relate to that. I always tried to treat my elderly fares with more patience and respect than the average person. Not so easy sometimes, cus the fact of the matter is; that the elderly can be quite cranky and irascible, sometimes pushing you to your limits, but those others, like the lady in this story more than made up for them.

Sometimes other drivers would say something like,

"Hey dude, I'm working. I don't have time to be nice. If that meter's not runnin I'm wastin my time, and I don't have time to wait forever on people, I don't have time to knock on peoples doors, I don't have time to carry their luggage. Shit dude, you know how it is; we gotta pay that "lug" every single nite, whether we even booked enuff money to cover it or not".

And all that's true, but I'd say somthin like,

"Yeah, but stop and think how you'd like for your mother to be treated?"

As it turns out for me personally, two of those elderly ladies happened to be rather wealthy and I became very good close friends with both of them and they both rewarded me ten fold!

Besides th personal satisfaction I got, if those other guys had even th slightest idea how much money I was rewarded with, for nothing more than being nice, they would treat every single elderly person who got in their cab like they were a king or a queen!!

****************

OK, OK, I can hear th howls of disbelief right now, cuz it's also true, I could be one nasty-assed cab driver if provoked. There are a lotta peoples who got in my cab over ten years who would tell ya that I was th biggest asshole cab driver they ever encountered, and all I can say to them is.

FUCK YOU AND YER MOTHER TOO!

which co-incidentally, is jus exactly what I did tell a lotta em!

BUT, I also had my fair share of fans too!

th cap'm

Subject: Three Shockers, Take A Seat
Date: Tuesday, January 9, 2007 5:32 PM

Shocker # 1. My buddy Mike G sent me a piece about a study which was conducted in Denver to determine who was more effective in criminal defense cases, Public Defenders vs Private Attorneys? Now who do you think won that contest?

Guess what? According to all th various criteria and variables involved, peoples who were represented by Public Defenders spent an average of 3 to 5 years longer in th pokey, than their counter parts who had private attorneys.

Gosh, who woulda thought that? Shocking, eh! So, listen here, if ya find yer self in a trick, I strongly suggest ya hire yerself a good "lip". You'll see sunshine again a lot sooner that way.

OK, Shocker # 2. I saw this in th Daily Rag. A study discovered that "studies" conducted by th beverage industry about their products, found that they were 4 to 8 times more likely to have positive results than those conducted by supposedly impartial studies, i.e, those not funded by themselves.

After reading this and it's implications, I'm now questioning th veracity of a study I read about years ago confirming th Health benefits of Cheese Whiz. Thas right! Cheese Whiz is good fer ya!! This study was conducted by th Amerikan Cheese Association in conjunction with Kraft Foods Inc. who just happen to make Cheese Whiz. Hmmnn, based on what I discovered today, I'm now wonderin if they mighta fudged their conclusions a bit. D'ya think?

Shocker # 3. As ya may know, Claire McCaskell was jus elected to th Senate recently, and during her campaign, one of th things she said she wanted to accomplish when she got to Washington was to put a distance between Lawmakers and Lobbyists. She felt this relationship compromised legislators too much, and that it contributed to th air of mistrust voters felt towards their representatives.

And so, along those lines, one of th very first things she did when she got to Washington, well, that is, after she returned from her vacation, which had caused her to miss many of th activities incoming new senators normally engage in......was to hire a big time LOBBYIST from a communications giant to be her top aide!!!

She defended her action with th usual typical political bullshit rhetoric ya would expect from a two-faced, lyin fuckin Hypocrite!

Shocking, huh!!?

th cap't

P.S. Speakin of two faced phony-assed mutherfuckers, do ya remember a few years ago when our own, Th Right Reverend Saint Emmanuel Cleaver, Jr. was goin to Washington and try to bring some Character and Integrity back to th joint. Then we found out that within a month of bein there, he took his whole family to Florida and charged everything to th taxpayers, including a $500.00 dinner he treated th family to, claiming it was for government biz. At first he denied any kind of wrong-doing, but as it became undeniably obvious what he had done, he apologised, claimin his naivete and Innocence as a defense for what he had done and reimbursed th funds he had tried to scam.

Ya might ask; what happens to these fuckers when they finally get to Washington anyway? Do they suddenly become corrupted? Is there somthin in th air there that causes em to lose their moral balance? I say, Nah. nothin happens to em!! Thas th way they've always been! It's jus that now, they're at Th Big Trough itself, got their hands up to their elbows in th Biggest Cookie Jar of them all, and they just can't control themselves any more. To heck with th Public Image, I'm gettin mine, while th gettin's good!

th cap'm

Subject: "Flash Gordon Conquers The Universe" (th old time movie serial)
Date: Tuesday, January 9, 2007 2:36 AM

OK, on Sunday I rented this video from th library. It is th first six parts in this serial which was made in th late '30s I believe, starring Buster Crabb as Flash Gordon. I don't understand where they came up with this title tho; it's highly misleading since Flash, with th aid of his buddies, Dr. Zarkov, and th erstwhile Dale Arden, are once again locked in a battle-to-th-death struggle with Ming the Merciless, who is actually th one trying to conquer th Universe, but th title makes it sound like Flash is th one with Universal ambitions. Some one needs to be taken to task fer that faux pas.

Hey, listen, if ya saw a mug shot of Flash and a mug shot of Ming, side by side, I'm bettin ya wouldn't have any trouble at all picking th one one wants to Conquer th Universe. On th one hand, ya got yer Ming, with his long, black, flowin Dracula kinda cape with th huge cowl, his pronounced widow's peak, those piercing black, wicked eyes, and that ever so neatly trimmed Satanic lookin black goatee.

And then ya got Flash; with his young, clean shaven, blond good looks, and that flashin, white toothed smile, like he's gettin ready fer a round of tennis or somthin. He's got a big toothy smile Burt Lancaster would envy. So ya wouldn't have any problema pickin out th Evil Mutherfucker of th two.

In any case, it's a pretty darn exciting adventure with lotsa reely keen shots of his spaceship. Flash's rocket tools around, albeit kinda wobbly, with sparks coming out of it's engine. It would appear they put a sparkler in th rear of th spaceship model. haha. It's pretty amusin to watch it spiral down fer a landing and then hit th ground with an abrupt thump.

And this dude Ming; whooo boy, I can tell ya, he is a real scoundrel. He no doubt spent more time in school in th Principal's office than he did in th classroom. Ya know he was shakin down th younger kids fer their lunch money. This is not th kinda fellow ya wanta have over fer Sunday brunch, ya dig!! Heck, ya can tell jus by lookin at him, in spite of his fastidious appearance, that he prolly doesn't have any table manners at all.

And dig this, they don't call him Ming, the Merciless fer nothin. Workin fer Ming is not an easy gig! This guy is th 'Boss from Hell'. When Ming tells his minions to do somethin, they do it, or Die!! Thas th way he operates. With Ming, ya don't go back and say,

"Gee boss, we almost captured that Flash Gordon dude and his homies like ya said but some how, and I can't explain how they did it, cus we had em in our clutches, but .........still, somehow they got away. Don't worry tho Jefe, cuz we'll get im next time."

I hope this hombre didn't have dinner reservations or anything, cus with Ming, there ain't no next time Duke. Ya fuck up; yer dead meat! See, besides bein a short tempered bastard, Ming got Zero Tolerance fer Incompetence. I've already seen first hand what happens to those who fail in their assignments. Ya don't wanna witness th Wrath of Ming right in th middle of dinner I assure ya. Ain't a pretty sight.

Well any way, I'm gonna get back now, cuz when I left, Flash was in a real jam, and I don't know how he's gonna get outta this one! It's a real cliff hanger and I mean that literally, cuz he was hangin off th th side of a cliff on a tree limb that had just broken, and at th end of th last episode he was plunging to a certain death. It looks like curtains fer sure fer Flash, and consequently, th entire Universe itself, since he's th only thing standing between Ming and his Evil Quest to rule th Universe. I mean, th dude jus has an Insatiable Thirst fer Power and Domination. Ya combine this with feelings of uncontrollable Rage and Anger issues and ya got a problem

Frankly, I think he needs some professional help! Or at least, some different meds, and mebbe some soothin herbal tea!

th cap'm

P.S. An interestin bit of trivia. I'm speculating that George Lucas saw this serial at some point in his life, becuz th beginning of each episode starts with a introductory script scrolling up and away toward th top of th screen into infinity, jus exactly like th opening of Star Wars. I'm sure most peoples think this originated with Star Wars, but they would be wrong!!!!!! These folks beat im to that concept by some 35+ years!

Subject: Livin In Amerika
Date: Monday, January 8, 2007 12:12 AM

I was talkin with a friend last nite and she told me about some friends of her's and their daughter, who is ten years old. My friend told me that th young girl and a couple of her friends were picked up this weekend and delivered to a sleep-over by LIMOUSINE!!! Yep, a limo fer ten yer olds. Went to a sleepover.
HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS IS THAT? I mean, Sheeeit! I know.... yer sayin,

"Well cap't, it's no big deal for Royalty or big time celebs to whisk their kids around in limos."

No, no, no! See, these are ordinary, regular folks, just like yer next door neighbors, who think it's Cool, to have their precious little angel go to a sleep over in a fuckin limo. Isn't that cute?!

UTTERLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS is what I think it is. C'mon, th gurl is ten years old. She's goin to a sleep over, fr'chrissake!! Wow, how they gonna top that when she gets older and jaded? I spose they're gonna have a fuckin parade fer her when she graduates from Middle School, with her sittin next to th Mayor in th back of a convertible, while confetti and streamers rain down and cover th rose strewn streets!

OK, OK, that was last nite. So then, this afternoon I was at th library browsin about and I was surreptitiously evesdroppin on this young couple near me. This young dude, tryin to put some moves on this little girly there, told her bout how he had jus gotten out of bootcamp and was on leave fer a few days.. And he sez to her,

"So... like... what do you do?"

And she said,

"DO? I dunno. Whadda'ya mean, 'what do I DO'?"

And he sez,

"Well, y'know, like, whadda'ya do in yer spare time?"

And she replied,

"Oh! I shop!"

And no shit, he didn't know what to say after that. Ha ha No kiddin, he fumbled and sputtered around for some kinda comeback, but he jus didn't have any thing fer that one. I guess it was his first encounter with a "shopper". I had to turn my head away myself, cuz I thought I was gonna break out in a loud guffaw.

But ya know what boyz and gurlz, George Bush woulda been beamin with pride at these two young peoples. I mean, rilly! Looky here! One of em, a young man, willin to serve his country in th armed service, and th other, a young gurl, willin to shop fer her country at th mall. But, both of em willin to serve in there own way.
Man, it don't get any better than that, does it! Let's jus hope they were able to get together. Th perfect young amerikan couple!

Amerika! Limos fer th kiddies and Malls fer us all!

Th Land o' th Free, and th Home of th Big Time Shoppers.

th cap'm

Subject: "TROOP SURGE" For Iraq
Date: Sunday, January 7, 2007 11:08 PM

This phrase "troop surge" is so typical of th way marketing types have taken over th language White House spokespersons use to disguise, dilute and otherwise camouflage their policies.

I'm sure there are plenty of dumb-fuck amerikans out there right now who are opposed to increasing troop levels in Iraq, but a "troop surge"? Nah, no big deal. "Ya'll go ahead and "troop surge" away, y'heah."

But what really pisses me off tho, is th complicity of th entire fuckin news media, whether it's print or electronic, to use this same bullshit phrase when reporting this issue. Every single news source you have, no matter who it is, whether writing an op-ed column, or TV anchor, doesn't matter, when talking about this "increase in troop levels" in Iraq; they all use this same deceptive, misleading phrase, instead of calling it what it really means; an "INCREASE IN TROOPS"!

While we expect th Administration and their flunkies to repeat this mantra ad naueseum and who are, I'm sure, strictly forbidden to describe it otherwise, i.e. never use th word "increase", I cannot figure out why everybody blindly follows along like they're a bunch of toadies too???????

What'sa matter with these fuckin peoples? Doesn't any body else see this crap too? Doesn't anybody care, that they are bein manipulated like a bunch of puppets too? It's disgusting!!!

Am I, th cap't, th solo voice cryin out in th wilderness once again? sigh! It get's lonely out here ya'll.

th cap'm

Subject: Cap't Hoohah, Noted Film Reviewer, Does His Thing
Date: Saturday, January 6, 2007 2:21 PM

Prince Valiant, the movie.

I checked this movie out from the library yesterday. You can't hardly go wrong there, cuz they only cost a dollar. This movie was made in 1954, and filmed in Technicolor and Cinemascope, (Whooee! it was in Cinemascope, that was a big deal then) starring a young scrawny, Robert Wagner as Valiant, the young, impetuous Christian Viking Prince aspiring to become a Knight at King Arthur's Round Table so as to fulfill a vow to avenge his fathers removal as King of Scandia by a bunch of pagan, ruffian Vikings.

See, this movie had two Viking factions, one of them were peaceful, friendly Christian Vikings and the other were those other Bad Godless Vikings, y'know, the hooligan faction who like to rape, pillage and plunder, The Berserkers!!
Janet Leigh (his love interest) and Debra Paget, who both were featured in many a costume drama of the fifties, co-starred.

The suave, silver tongued snake James Mason played (what else?) the evil, conniving, traitorous Sir Bracq, (sp?) who was secretly, 'the Black Knight" who was in cahoots with Sligon, the leader of the 'Bad Vikings' (he who had usurped Val's daddy's throne) to overthrow King Arthur, and thus become King of the Realm, which title, he thought was rightfully his.

And finally we had Sterling Hayden haha. This is good, yeah, Sterling Hayden played the gruff Sir Gawain, a renowned member of the Round Table, who accepted the young Prince Valiant to be his squire. If you are familiar with Sterling Hayden, that is, if you are 50 years or older, having seen him play the 'heavy'' in so many B movies of the time, you would be highly amused, as was I, to see him with long red hair, and an english mustache, in a ludicrous knights outfit. It was just too funny!

You would also get a kick out of Robert Wagner's, black, straight haired page boy wig, with a curl on the bottom. But y'know, it was the fifties.

This movie had everything one expects in a movie of this genre. You had numerous scenes of the four foot long horns announcing peoples arrivals, departures, the beginning of jousts, the middle of jousts, the ends of jousts, whatever. Hell, No occasion was to small to keep these guys from doing their horn blowing thing. Man, these dudes would just pick up their horns and BLOW man, ya'dig, at the drop of a hat. Sal Paradise woulda loved em!!

And for some reason, as a kid I always enjoyed that myself; the guys with the horns. It didn't matter whether it was a Roman scene announcing the arrival of the emperor or a medieval courtyard; for some reason, it was cool. I guess it provided some heraldic flavor or something. I always thought that would be a cool gig. Y'know, you just stand around all day, smoking and shooting the breeze with your fellow horn men, and every now and then an important personage arrives or departs and you pick up your horn and get down for those 3 or 4 notes. I mean, does it get any better than that?

And speaking of jousts, there were plenty of good jousting scenes, which are of course essential to a movie such as this!! There were several unintentionally comic scenes where the diminutive James Mason, would raise the faceplate of his armored helmet only to discover, that he had still, yet another challenger, after he'd already knocked every palooka in the county off their horses.

He would say, "Gol darn it" and "Zounds" and other curses that were popular at the time, and peevisly snap his faceplate down again in exasperation. I mean, you could tell by his pouting expression he was getting really miffed at all the johnny-come-latelys, after he thought he had pretty much wrapped the tournament up.

Y'see, the thing is, if he won th joust, he would also win the unwilling hand in marriage, of the beautiful young princess (Janet Leigh) who was in love with Valiant, although Sir Gawain, (Sterling Hayden) was under the mistaken impression that she was actually in love with him. (yeah, I know, it gets confusing at times) That galoot Gawain was as dumb as a stump. He misconstrued every innoncent gesture and utterance from her as sign of her love for him. You wanted to just shout out, "Yo dude, she digs the young cat, not you!!"

Well anyway, there was plenty of buckle swashing, and leaping about parapets, and climbing out of prison cells and clamoring about castle walls and burning oil, and so on and so forth. Pretty darned exciting battle scenes, knowwhatmsayin.
The whole thing was wrapped up with a climatic sword fight between the villainous, seasoned sword fighter Sir Bracq, (Mason) and the young, and inexperienced Prince Valiant. Man, there were several times there when I thought Val had bought the farm, but he used his youthful agility to leap and bound out of the way. And I'm not smokin you one bit; the dude was a leaper and bounder extraordinaire. In the end, he prevailed, although as I said, it looked really grim for a while.

And so as the movie ended, Gawain (Hayden) finally realised that the young beautiful maiden, (Janet Leigh) was in fact in love with his protege, who had managed to expose the traitor in their midst, regain his fathers realm, and so was thus Knighted, which had been his greatest ambition to begin with, and so Gawain magnanimously stepped aside and let young love bloom and so they all presumably lived happily ever after.

This was the kind of movies I watched as a kid. Well, and still do. It's called, Prince Valiant. Check it out for some grins.

the cap't

P.S. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there was a scene there where some bad guys were searching for Valiant and he slipped into a river and cut off a reed with which he breathed thru. Those guys looked all over for him, until finally, they gave up the search assuming he had drowned. Ha ha. I cannot even begin to remember how many movies I've seen where some one used this ploy. You've seen em too. You've seen it in westerns, war movies, well you know, any where some one is being searched for and as a director, you need a way for them to escape, you do the old underwater reed trick. It works every time. Some day though, I'd like to see a movie, where some searcher dude yells out,

"Hey guys, c'mere. He's right here. He's using the old 'breathing thru the reed trick'. Ha ha. Dumb shit."

And then they proceed to string him up, right on the spot, and all of a sudden, the movie is over right in the middle of it. But, sigh, it never happens that way, does it?!

Subject: Let's Stay Focused Peoples!!!
Date: Friday, January 5, 2007 3:42 PM

I got an e-mail earlier from a “gurl-type” friend I know, concernin 'th Fookin Geezers'. While at first, she SEEMED to be down with th program, but then she thought maybe th name was a bit vulgar, y'know, and she suggested that maybe
"The Hecks Angels" might be better.

Th Hecks Angels!!! Say what!! Are you jivin me?

Then she wanted to bring in a “feng shui” master to locate and decorate our clubhouse and said she would look around for some nice curtains and plants and she thought those motorcycle boots were, "so, like, totally uncool"

and she suggested we do Birkenstocks instead!

And she finally ended up suggestin that we all crochet some doilies and have a Bake Sale instead of ambushin and muggin other senior peoples of their lunch monies at th assisted livin place.

Sheeit. Whut th hail is goin on here?

I had to remind her....that we are a 'Gang' after all..... a GANG, ya dig!!.........and not some wimp-ass GLEE CLUB!!!! Dang! Looky here, we move on th card games, th domino rackets, th medicine cabinets, we control th Viagra supply, and so on, but, ......we don't do doilies!!

And we don't do cookies either!

Further more, we're not, like, some kinda democracy here, where ya have freedom of speech. We don't take votes on stuff either. One guy decides what's best fer everybody. That would be Moi! El Numero Uno!!

Ya think Adolf asked his crew whether they should invade Russia? Fuck no! Do ya think Saddam asked his boyz, whadda'ya say we gas some Kurds today? Fuck No! Ya think Geo. Bush asked anybody whether we oughta invade Iraq nor not? Once again, a resoundin Fuck No!

This kinda crap happens every time I try and get a gang organised. There's always somebody wantin to know,

"Oh gee, I don't wanna do that! Why can't we do this? Or that, or th other? And who made you th fuckin boss anyway?"

OK, looky here, I already know how to deal with disgruntled underlings. I've literally had hands-on experience in dealin with this kinda situation. I'm reminded of back in 51', when I was in th fifth grade and I was th Big Kahuna of th "Gumer Street Gangsters" (thas pronounced "goomer". maybe ya've heard of em? out of dayton, ohio) and I had to deal with some rebellious factions from some of my crew. We ran th East side of Smithville Rd. Those Westsiders were our arch enemies. We were BAD, dawg, I'm tellin ya! Since at that time there weren't any tattoo parlors on our block we had to put our initials and names on our arms with ink, and I mean real ink, like, from outta a fountain pen. knowmsayin, cuz they didn't have ballpoint pens then. But we were still BAD!

So like, there was this one dude named Rossie who decided one day he wasn't goin to pay his weekly dues of two cents. I told im,

"Hey, yo, Rossie, it's Saturday! It's two fookin pennies. Ya know th rules, now give it up.....or else!"

And he said,

"You can't make me! Nyah, Nyah, Nyah"

and I said,

"Oh yes I can Rossie cuz I'm the Boss!"

and then he said, and this is what sealed his fate,

"WHO made you the Boss? How come you get to be th Boss?"

Well, that was jus too fuckin much fer me. Obviously, this was a case of Blatant Insubordination I could not tolerate, as I'm sure you can understand, Ya jus simply can't have yer minions dis you like that. I told him,

"Rossie, This Will Not Stand!!!"

So, I took immediate action. I had Tommy Green and Robin Cunningham tie him to a telephone pole. I'd seen enuff movies showin guys getting flogged fer less, so I knew what had to be done in order to maintain Discipline. So, I had my boyz proceed to administer some corporal punishment by way of some ropes we had tied to sticks, so that others wouldn't be infected with his bad attitude and would realize th consequences of such behavior. I mean, ya gotta maintain Discipline and Order in th ranks, ya'know whut I mean, otherwise ya got Anarchy!

I gotta tell ya, I was wicked disappointed in my man Rossie tho. cuz he didn't handle it very well at all. I thought he'd be, like, all stoic, and strong, y'know, like th cats in th movies were, take it like a man. But instead, he sounded like a pig bein slaughtered with his squealin and wailin, and bawlin and cryin.

After a few minutes I couldn't take his whining and bawling any more. It was pitiful!! I was embarrassed fer th dude, and since he had promise to give it up forthwith, like, immediately, we let him go. To go home, to come up with his cash. But instead of going home to get his money like he promised, (the dirty rat) he told his mommy on us, th snitch bastard! So she came out raisin hell with us, and of course she called my mom and Tommy's and Robin's mother too. My mom said,

"Boy you're in BIG trouble now. You jus wait til your daddy gets home! He's gonna blister you good!"

And he did too! Whew boy, did he ever! When he got home later and was appraised of my behavior, he gave me a severe ass whippin using that big leather belt he saved for jus such disciplinary sessions. I wanted to point out to him th Irony and Contradiction of him whippin me fer th sole reason of me havin had Rossie whipped, but you know how adults are, ya jus can't reason with em sometimes.

Well, anyway, I only relate this episode to demonstrate that I am accustomed to dealing with dissension. Like, I know what to do!! I jus hope when th time comes that this gurl handles it all with more Aplomb and Dignity than Rossie displayed.

And this time it will be a different story too cuz, this time....... nobody knows my mom's phone number!!

th cap't

P.S. OK ya'll, jus remember, We're Huffers and Puffers and Midnite Wheezers!

Subject: More On The Fookin Geezers
Date: Thursday, January 4, 2007 7:57 PM

Well, evidently, judgin from some of th responses I've received, I have tapped into a hidden desire among senior peoples who have been eager to join a gang, but just didn't quite know how to properly go about it. And I also had several requests from younger peoples who wanted to know if I could maybe give them a waiver on the age requirements, and also several inquiries from some (gasp) GURLZ Can ya imagine that; there are gurlz who wanna mob up with us!

Altho I initially took a hard, unyieldin stand against both of these proposals at first, after some reflection and meditation, usin a lotta incense and all, th idea seems more palpable to me now. I mean, what th heck: after all, we are REBELS!!! Are we not? And what kind of rebels would we be if we had strict, rigid rules and requirements as to what constitutes a “geezer?”

Before ya laugh and jeer, stop and think about some of th benefits fer a moment. I mean, y'know, like, those gurls could keep th clubhouse clean, and fetch beers and snacks and stuff like that, and there's always socks to be darned, and buttons that need sewing on our sweaters. And don't forget, there's other things they could do too, if ya know where I'm comin from? (wink, wink) And those younger dudes could come in real handy shovelin th snow in th winter, and pullin maintenance on our wheelchairs and walkers, and mebbe carrying us up th stairs when we happened to be a bit tired.

So, I'm gonna be sendin application forms out to those interested, and not to worry, your age or gender will not be held against ya. No big deal, jus a few questions about your prior experience in 'rumbles' and, y'know, similar gang related stuff. Like, fr'example a couple typical questions might be,

"Do ya know what a “church key” is?"

"Do ya know anyone from th "Sharks" or th, "Jets", who could vouch for ya?"

and stuff like that. Again, no biggie, it's jus th standard gang application form. I had some of my homies in th Walnut Street Galoots send these to me.

Oh yeah, check this out, I know an old broad who lives at Kingswood Manor, which is an assisted livin place, so I can mebbe glean some intel from her concernin the times and routes various residents will be takin to th lunch room. Plus, she runs a weekly bridge game there; that holds some excellent opportunities for us to muscle in on.

She also sez she can get us a room where we can hold our weekly meetings and she's workin on a sign we can put up that sez,

"No squares allowed!"

I think that would be real hep don't you? OK. so, remember our gang motto,

"Keep on Huffin' and Puffin'!"

th cap'm

P.S. Jus fer th heck of it, whadda'ya think bout th name, "Th Hep Katz"? Cuz on reflection, I am wonderin if that name, "The Fookin Geezers' might be a bit sexist? Y'know, like, since we're gonna have some broads in th organization and, this is the third millennium. after all, and we do want to stay au courant, don't we?

It's jus that when I hear the word, “geezer” I think of an old fart who is a guy. I don't recall ever describing an old dame as a geezer. Mebbe we should just de-genderize it and rename the outfit, "th Fookin Wheezers" instead? I dunno?

Subject: Gang Proliferation
Date: Wednesday, January 3, 2007 4:35 PM

Well, since there seem to be so many gangs out there these days, I hate to be left all alone at th station, y'know whut I mean, so I'm thinking bout startin my own posse. We'll be hooligans. We'll be ruffians! We'll misbehave! We'll call ourselves,

"Th Fookin Geezers".

"They HUFF.....they PUFF..... they WHEEZE....They're BAD!"

If ya wanta "jump in" ya gotta be over 55. Sorry, no young punks allowed. This is an outfit fer mature dudes only, ya dig! We don't wanna deal with a lot of immaturity. We already been throught all that shit our own bad selves. Hey, start yer own gang and we'll meet different places and we'll "rumble" until the fuzz show up, at which point we'll all disperse as rapidly as possible. Course, being old geezers we may not be able to disperse as rapidly as you younger folks. Some of us might be collared and wind up in th slammer down there at Senior Hall. Thas right across th street from Juvie Hall.

We might even have to rack out without our nightly glass of warn milk and graham crackers, til we make bail, but thas OK, cuz we're a bunch of stand-up dudes. Well maybe not stand-up completely upright, but you know, kinda hunched over stand-up dudes. Like I said, WE'RE BAD,

WE'RE TH FOOKIN GEEZERS!!!

And if we can't find anybody to rumble with, we can still get in some mayhem. Hell, we'll go to senior citizen homes and rip off their lunch money while they're on their way to the cafeteria. Run some peoples on their walkers right off th hallway. Whadda'ya say? Sounds like a pretty easy score, eh! Sheeit, we can make our get-aways usin their own wheelchairs. Won't that be a kick in th pants!

OK, so, like, anybody game? Anybody else wanna take a shuffle on th Wild Side with me?

th cap't (a k a El Jefe De Fookin Geezers)

Subject: Count Yer Blessings!
Date: Tuesday, January 2, 2007 8:12 PM

Did'ja ever happen to think how fortunate homo sapiens are that Mother Nature decided not to give cows wings!! I mean, look here, the avian community already wreaks havoc on my cars as it is.

Peoples already refer to my car as, "El Caddy de Caca". I shudder to think what it would be like, if the telephone line were full of cows instead of crows. I would definitely need some heavy-duty windshield wipers.

th cap'm

Subject: What does it mean??
Date: Tuesday, January 2, 2007 8:02 PM

Last nite I dreamed I had been invited to a very chi-chi soireé. When I arrived at this elegant condo, I got on the elevator, but instead of taking me up to the top floor penthouse, it took me SIDEWAYS!!

HORI-ZON-TALLY, ya unnerstand!!

When it came to a stop and th doors opened I was lookin at th dumpster in the rear parking lot. Then the rear wall of th elevator started movin forward, forcin me out of th elevator into th parkin lot. Th doors closed and the elevator went away.

I stood there...... confused, thinking,

"Hey, if ya don't want me at yer fuckin party then, don't ask me!! OK!!"
hmmm???? So, like, what does it mean?

Or, is it, like.... jus a dream!

th beleaguered cap't

Subject: Song lyrics Which Reflect The Human Condition
Date: Tuesday, January 2, 2007 7:36 PM

These are the lyrics from a song from 1957 called, "Short Shorts" by The Royal Teens. There is a lot here below th surface. I think it pretty much sums up what Life is all about. Check it out. The lyrics follow,

The guyz sing: "Who wear short shorts?
The gurlz reply: "We wear short shorts.".
Guyz: "Bless em' short shorts."
Gurlz: "We like short shorts."
Guyz: "Who wear short shorts?
Gurlz: "We wear short shorts."

So there you have it. Th lyrics to th hit song "Short Shorts" in it's entirety.

Awesome, eh!?

the cap't

P.S. Just color me a setimental old fool, but, when I read those lines, well, I gotta admit, it brought a lump to my throat, no kidding! Course, I now realise that lump was jus part of that chicken breast I had earlier.

Subject: A Football Game for th Ages
Date: Tuesday, January 2, 2007 12:06 AM

Do ya like foottball? Did'ja happen to watch Oklahoma and Idaho St. tonite at th Tostito Bowl?

Now, I don't watch much college football, but that may have been th best. most exciting fookin football game I've ever seen!! And I'm not jivin ya. If ya saw it, ya know what I'm talkin about.

th cap'm

Subject: A Bitch of a Day! (sometimes i like to express myself in sports-ese)
Date: Monday, January 1, 2007 8:01 PM

Man, what a day! What a day!! It was too much! My game plan was jinxed from th get-go. It was obvious from th opening minutes that this was going to be a long day. My special teams forgot to show up!!

Defensively, I lost the battle in th trenches; missed tackles. Terrible pass coverage and an inability to mount any kind of pass rush added to my woes. Turned out my "nickel" defense wasn't even good for a penny.

On th other side, I was never able to get my sputtering Offense running smoothly, what with all th dropped passes, fumbles, and interceptions. My game plan to run the ball downhill and angry was thwarted by that brick wall I kept runnin into......and th missed field goals didn't help either.Those kinda things can come back to haunt ya, know whut ahm sayin.

Well, at least I can't be faulted for my Red Zone performance, cuz, sheeit, ese, I never even made it to the Red Zone!! So there! Nyah, nyah, nyah. When ya have as many turnovers as I did, ya can't expect a whole helluva lot, know whut ahm sayin.

Then, I shot my self in th foot so often with stupid, costly penalties, that I was runnin out of toes, Dahym! Furthermore, I was plagued th whole time by bad field position. Clock management was, how can I put this......atrocious!! I wuz th recipient of an "ass whuppin." Nope, I didn't dodge any bullets this day. Sheeit,

As a matter of fact, I ran right into em like some kinda mad-cap jap kamikaze.
In the end..... I was down to only one option, you got it bro, thas right.......th "Hail Mary" and I know I don't gotta tell ya how that goes! Like I said, it was a Bitch of a day!

the cap't

P..S. Disappointing as it all was though, arguably, I can still learn from this experience. There's no question about it; I can demonstrate some character and overcome this adversity. Yes, I can. What I can do tomorrow..... IS.... simply go out there and ....EXECUTE BETTER!!

OK, ya'll, are we all on th same page here?

th cap'm

Subject: The Domino Effect
Date: Monday, January 1, 2007 11:05 AM

This is an abbreviated example of the Domino Effect; ya'know, one thing leads to another. A little while ago I was combing my hair using one of those weird looking combs called a "pick" I think. Y"know, with the handle and all.

Well, it happened to fall out of my hand and bounced off the wash basin and ricocheted onto the top of the commode where it knocked a bottle of opened cough medicine onto the floor.

In my haste to pick it up before too much spilled out I bent over quickly, too quickly it would seem, to pick it up and my fookin glasses fell into the toilet.

Sheeeit! So, with one hand picking up the bottle and the other retrieving my glasses I went to straighten up and cracked my head real hard on the underside of the basin.

The Domino Effect. Ouch! So be careful combing your hair boyz and gurlz; this could happen to you too!

If I can save just one person who reads this from going thru a similar painful ordeal, it will have been worth it.

the cap't

Subject: Cap't Hoohah, Sports Guru, takes one on th Chin, get's KO'd
Date: Sunday, December 31, 2006 4:58 PM

RE: CHIEF'S vs JAGUARS.

Last nite, I made this prediction; Jax Jaguars score 1 touchdown, 2 fields goals, = 13 points.

KC Chiefs's score 3 field goals,= 9 points. (typical Herm Edwards game)

Thus Jags win 13 to 9!

Well as ya know, it didn't go down that way. Instead we had a shootout. Chiefs win 35 to 30! Who woulda thunk it, eh? Not me, obviously!

So what happened to my legendary accuracy in such matters? How could I have been so far off th mark, you ask? OK..... here's th deal. Since th peoples at PETA said that usin cat entrails in order to divine th outcomes of sports contests was in some way animal abuse, (what is wrong with these narrow minded peoples anyway?) and set up their pickets around my crib, carryin their signs and chantin derogatory things about me, and finally, succumbing to th pressure, I was forced to predict this game entirely on my own "gut feeling."

Obviously, th cat entrails are more effective, eh! But then again, since there are no more cats left in my neighborhood, I really had no choice in th matter. I hope this clears up any confusion you may have had concerning my apparent breakdown. Next year I will be back on track, I assure you!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, if you have any kittens you are trying to find a home for, lemme know, OK, cuz I will provide them with a good, nurturing atmosphere right up til th day arrives when it will be time for them to fulfill their destiny, if ya know what I mean! (wink, wink. fuck a bunch of PETA)

Subject: Oh, and speaking of Gerald Ford.
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2006 7:58 PM

By the way, do any of ya'll remember that statement Ford made about Europe not bein under Soviet domination. In any recounting of Ford's political career, how could I forget that? Absolutely one of th dumbest statements ever made by a President or high ranking official, and that includes Dan Quayle, Reagan, and th Bushes, specially George Jr. It also includes Bill Clinton's "I didn't inhale".

Damn! Any 8th grade kid in th country who wasn't flunking History could have set him straight on that. I mean, th Russkies had dominated Eastern Europe since th end of th 2nd World War. As I remember, he said that during one of th Presidential debates with Carter.

OK, remember th Mayaquez incident? Right after we left Nam with our tails draggin between our legs, that ship with maybe a dozen crewmen aboard, was captured by ' Cambodian pirates', or somthin or other. Gerry immediately had th military launch a rescue mission, to let em know, we weren't to be trifled with.
We launched a raid against th Cambodian island and 42 Amerikans were killed in th effort. Th main problem with that was that th captured Amerikans had been released some 12 hours before hand. Ooops. Oh well, he meant well anyway.

th cap'm

P.S. Do ya remember when, then VP Dan Quayle, just returning from a goodwill visit to Latin America, said that th trip was a good one, but th only problem had been th language barrier, cus as he noted,

"I don't speak Latin." LOL

Subject: Da Spin! Da Spin!
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2006 7:11 PM

Why is it when they talk about increasing troop strength in Irag now, they are calling for a "troop surge"?

What th fuck is a "troop surge"?

Who do you suppose came up with that particular word instead of "increase"? Does that make it easier fer th dumb-ass amerikan public to accept?

"Ya know whut Earl, I don't mind a little troop surge ovah there in thet I-Rac, ah jus don want em increasin th number of sol-jers there! No sir-eee, ahm agin thet!"

Th euphemisms they toss at us ignoramuses rilly makes it hard fer th average yo-yo lak myself ta keep up with whuts goin on. Dern!! Wha caint they jus speak plain ol everday english?

th cap'm

Subject: Gerald Ford Revisited
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2006 5:16 PM

I am amazed that peoples continue to characterize Ford's pardon of Nixon as "courageous" and that by doin so, he helped a nation "heal". What utter bullshit!
There was nothin courageous about it at all. As a matter of fact it was nothin more than a chickenshit, cowardly political act, setting a dangerous precedent that th President is somehow, above th law, completely contrary to th Constitution, as we formerly knew it

This was a case where th Big Guy, El Numero Uno, th Boss givin th orders..... walked...... while his minions were left hangin in th wind to pay th price for his skullduggery. Ya notice, there weren't any pardons for th little guys who carried out his illegal acts.

And did ya notice th Amerikan public sent his scurvy ass packin after only two years in office!! Yeah, in spite of all th "spin' tellin us how this was for th good of th country, to help th country "heal", blah, blah,, blah, ad nauseaum, th Amerikan public saw it for what it was; nothin but a fuckin payoff!! Sent th bog-dweller packin. And so, they elected a peanut farmer from Georgia to be th next President. Thas how much th Amerikan public was fooled by their bullshit rhetoric.

Yeah, sheeit, his pardon was nothin more, nothin less, than a political quid pro quo, between two shysters. Fuck Richard Nixon and Fuck his Ignorant Lackey Gerald Ford!!!

Jus put th dirtbag in th ground and be done with it, and spare us all th obsequious, fawning accolades bein heaped on him. Sheeit. Got me reaching fer th vomit bag again!!

th cap't

Subject: Gerald Ford Dies
Date: Friday, December 29, 2006 4:32 AM

Y'know, I wasn't gonna write anything about his passing. I was jus gonna let it slide without comment, but then I got to thinkin bout th man and I couldn't help myself.

Hey, look here, you can say and think whatever you want about him, his good points and his bad points, but just always remember; don't ever forget this one crucial thing about him.

THE MUTHERFUCKER PARDONED RICHARD NIXON!!!

Thas all I need to remember him by, and it overshadows everything else he ever did. Everything else pales in comparison to that one heinous act!!

th cap'm