Another Dream Bites The Dust
Friday, December 22, 2006 3:06 AM
OK, ya'll, my apologies to those of you who were
gonna take that ride with me down E-Zee Street in our new Bentleys,
cuz this e-mail from my buddy Tommy D. kinda popped my bubble.
Re: Fortune 500, Here We Come
Charley, great idea but a e-mail I receive on packaging trends announced
about 2-3 weeks ago they are going to start packaging condiments in
pretty much the same way you have described. Sorry. TD
It's a good thing we live in an enlightened age and are no longer
barbarians eh, cus ya can imagine what would have become of that messenger
bearing that kinda news in days of yore.
But, what happened? How did these fuckers get on to me? Silly question,
eh, cuz we know exactly whose behind this op, don't we?! It's my arch
nemesis, that goddamned Snake-In-Th-Grass-Dick Nixon! Once again!
Sheeit. Every time I'm on th verge of Fame, Glory, and Wealth, and
Power, his ungodly minions always, somehow manage to put th kibosh
on my schemes. Oh man, I wished I'd kicked him in th shins when I
had th chance!!
A Message To All The Grits Aficionados Out There
Friday, December 22, 2006 2:29 AM
Well, based on my own personal experience, the only
thing I can say to peoples who eat grits on a regular, ongoing basis
'What in th hell is wrong with you!!!?"
I hope you realise that you are not very far removed from those folks
who eat lutefisk. A rather harsh judgment perhaps, but still.......
And, by th way, if ya don't know what lutefisk is, bask in yer ignorance,
cus some things are better left undelved into. Haggis would be another
good example. It's kinda like that scene in th slasher flick where
ya wanna scream out,
"FOR TH LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM!!!"
Thursday, December 21, 2006 4:26 PM
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of it all?
OK, those are good and interestin questions, eh? But, fer now, I have
a couple of questions of my own. Like.
WHY are grits?
What are they good for?
I first started wonderin about this a long time ago. It was 1960,
and I was 18 then. and I had jus arrived in Atlanta, Ga. off a train
from LA earlier in th day. I had promptly gone out and got myself
drunk, and early in th morn staggered into an all night diner and
ordered me up some ham and eggs.
When the waitress brung my plate, there wuz some white stuff (if you
are a weather forecaster you would be wonderin why there wuz snow
on my plate, eh? and th rest of us wonder why ya jus cain't call that
“white stuff” snow?) next to my eggs. I took a small tentative
bite, thinkin it might be rice. It wasn't, so, like, I asked th waitress,
"Scuse me mam', but what is this white stuff?"
and the waitress guffawed and said in a loud voice fer all ta hear,
"Hey ya'll, this young feller wants ta know whut thet white stuff
iz on his plate?"
and all of th other waitresses and peoples sittin next ta me at th
counter had a good chuckle over that. They found that pretty amusin.
After th laughter died down, (timin's everything, y'know) she said,
in her best southern drawl,
"Whaah honeeey, those are Gree-iiiiits!" makin two words
out of “grits,” and I gave her a blank look and said,
"Yeah.…well, so.... what in th hell are grits?"
and this got em all goin again. Thas OK tho, it was cool y'know, cuz
it wuz my first night in Atlanta and I had copped a nice buzz and
already I wuz able ta provide some good entertainment fer th natives.
They all found me pretty darned amusin with my yankee accent and silly
questions and all.
I don't think anyone ever did explain ta me tho, jus exactly what
GRITS were, but hell, I don't think they rilly knew themselves. Grits
were jus somethin they took fer granted, like th sun comin up every
mornin, and didn't require any explainin or analyzin. They jus, in
a Zen kind of sense..... WERE!..... y'know whut ahm sayin!
After all, these peoples had been eatin grits with breakfast, lunch
and supper their entire lives and it didn't rilly need any delvin
into, ya' know whut' ah mean!! I'm sure they were all thinkin,
"Whut kinda question is thet anyway? 'Whut are grits?" Sheeeit!
Where is this young yahoo from anyway?"
I guess it would be like askin someone from Indiana to explain whut
a "hoosier" is? They would prolly say somethin like,
"If ya gotta ask, I couldn't explain it".
So...after spendin a year and a half travellin all over Georgia and
N. Florida, on a road crew, goin from one small town to the next,
sellin encyclopedias (Collier's) door to door, tryin ta bring some
“Educational Aids” into th trailers of poor 'crackers',
eatin in small town restaurants, and diners and roadhouses, and so
on, and so forth. And now, some 47 years later, havin since discovered
the Meaning of Life and the Purpose of our Existence, MY question
"So,....WHUT IN THE FUCK ARE GRITS ANYWAY????"
P.S I'm sure there are plenty of ya'll who, besides my dabblings in
Theoretical Physics, Philosophy, Chaos Theory, etc, etc, are also
familiar with my distinguished work in th Culinary Field these past
many years, who are puzzled by my ignorance here, huh? Go figure.
It's hard to explain and I got no answer.
Fortune 500, Here We Come
Wednesday, December 20, 2006 8:13 PM
OK, dudes and dude-ettes, hang onto yer hats, cuz
th capm's got another capitol idea. This one is gonna put us on E-Zee
Street.... fer Life!
As usual, I'm willin to share in my good fortune with those who have
th insight to take th ride with me. Keep in mind tho, that this caper
is gonna be startin in th basement, cuz we're not even at th ground
floor yet, cuz I figure we're gonna need as much as 60 mil to design
th equipment and build th factory to get this one off th ground.
We're gonna be operatin on th, "Build it and they will come",
OK, so here's my idea, and don't tell anybody, And don't scoff. And
don't jeer, OK?! At least til ya've heard me out. I'm proposin we
put mustard in a tube. But hang on, not jus mustard, but any damn
thing that currently goes into a jar or plastic container. Could be
jam, jelly, peanut butter, ketchup, any thing!
I first got onto this idea when I read recently that all those plastic
squeeze bottles they put stuff in cuz peoples are too damn lazy to
stick a knife in a jar and spread it around; about 7 to 10 percent
of th Product is lost, cuz ya simply can't squeeze it all out. We're
all aware of this of course, but are willin to forfeit that amount
jus fer th convenience of it.
And I thought, hmmmm, but if ya put it in a tube, like a toothpaste
tube fr'instance,, you could squeeze out almost every single bit of
it. No waste at all. And....every bit as convenient too, eh.
Think of all th products that go in glass jars or plastic squeeze
bottles and prolly most of em could go in a tube instead.
Supposin yer out campin, and yer waaay out in th wilderness and yer
fryin up a hot dog on th grill; what do ya do fer condiments? When
I first mentioned this example, this buddy of mine yucked it up and
said, "Yeah right, cap't, like, you go camping all th time huh?"
OK, OK, so I'm not a camper, but never mind him, th answer to th question
is simple, ya reach in yer camo-jacket and pull out yer small tube
of German hot mustard, if ya like that, and squeeze a bit out on yer
bun. This way ya don't have little mustard packets to dispose of out
there in th environment. See what I mean!
Some other not very forward thinkin person asked me recently,
"But cap'm, it'll never work cuz how you gonna get that stuff
in a tube to begin with?"
Ha ha Well sheeit, I didn't wanna give too much away at th time, y'know,
Loose Lips Sink Ships, and that sorta thing, so I jus told im we'd
hire some illegal aliens to stuff it all in there by hand. He jus
shook his head derisively and pronounced,
"It'll never work!"
Well fuck, no shit Sherlock, I guess that wouldn't eh!! haha Of course
not!! But hey, how do they get tooth paste in a tube? If ya can put
toothpaste in a tube, why couldn't ya put peanut butter in a tube?
Or jus about any damn thing else?
So, here's what we could do: we could put one of our peoples under
cover in th Colgate toothpaste factory. Have im photograph their tooth
paste stuffing machines, duplicate em, then build our own stuffing
factory and wait fer th guys at Kraft and Archer-Daniels to come knockin
on our doors wantin us to stuff half their products into tubes instead
of glass jars and plastic bottles.
And after that, our biggest challenge would be; how in th fuck-all
we gonna spend all that money?
OK, are ya with me on on this one boyz and gurlz? Who else wants to
get obscenely wealthy with th cap't?
Jus remember one thing tho, as long as I'm th cap't, I run th boat!!!!
In th Spirit of, "I Told Ya So!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006 7:00 PM
This fuckin Herm Edwards and his whole Neo-Conservative
Sheeit, this guy came in here and dismantled one of th premier Offenses
in all of football with his Dumb-Ass Defense Oriented game plans.
He doesn't know how to score a touchdown, he'd rather settle for two
field goals instead.
And his mindless decision to bring back Trent Green, a guy who had
missed 8 games because of a concussion, to replace Damon Huard, who
had been doin all you could expect of him, was a classic example of
his tunnel vision, of his inflexibility, of his stubborness and unwillingness
to adapt. The Chiefs evidently learned nothing from their equally
stupid decision years ago to replace Rich Gannon with that fuckin
Elvis Grbac. Once again, history repeats itself.
And Herm is proud of it too. Listen to him somtime. He sez,
"I have a Philosophy of how this game should be played, and I'm
th Head Coach, and I'm gonna do exactly what I think is best, even
tho we can barely win a game , or even score a touchdown, and I won't
give in to pressure or change it for anybody. That's Herm Edwards.
That's who I am!!"
as he sticks out his chin and defies anyone to disagree with him.
He believes he's a man of Principle and he believes it's a mark of
Honor that he won't compromise one tiny bit, whereas I see it as th
Arrogant mark of an Ignorant Narcissist.
I'm predicting that Chief's fans will quickly tire of his brand of
boring, losing football, and get rid of his ass after next year. At
least we can sacrifice a few bulls and goats towards that end and
keep our fingers crossed too for good measure.
I don't think it's too early to start some grass-root level efforts
to get th Herm Edwards Express rollin right on outta town Like, maybe
some street demonstrations, throwin some rocks and bottles and burning
him in effigy kinda thing.
This was what I wrote about your KC Chiefs back in Sept. 8th, jus
prior to th first game of th season with th Bengals.
Cap't Hoohah, Sports Guru And Sage, Speaks Out
OK, Kansas City Chiefs fans, I have some bad news for ya. It's about
th upcoming game with th Cincinnati Bengals. This game is a harbinger
of things to come. It's gonna be a Bad Day at Black Rock; take my
word on it. If ya got any chickens, goats, bulls, whatever...to sacrifice
to th gods, I suggest you get on with it, cuz yer gonna need all th
help ya can get.
Y'know, peoples come up to me alla time and ask me,
"Yo, cap'm, how do ya do it? How do ya always seem to know th
outcome of these games in advance? Whut's yer secret, dawg?"
Aw'right, looky here. I studies th game film, I look at th match-ups,
I peruse th stats fer clues, I compare th strengths and weaknesses
of th teams involved.
I do all that stuff. But here's my secret. This is whut separates
me from th rest of th pack and th only reason I reveal it here is
cus so very few peoples have this kinda talent any more.
My secret is;
I OBSERVE AND DECIPHER CAT ENTRAILS!
Thas right boyz and gurlz, cat guts, if you will. This ancient form
of Divination has largely been lost thru th ages. There are only a
handful of practioners left here in th Third Millennium, including
yers truly. You would be surprised at whut one can see, if ya know
whut to look fer, and how to interpret it.
This is whut my neighbor's cat told me,
Oh, by th way, based on my most recent observations, I also have some
reely bad news for you young peoples out there, who might be wondering,
like, whut's in store for us? Whut does th Future hold out fer our
But I'm not gonna get specific here, OK, cus th fact of th matter
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
But, lemme jus say this kids, It Ain't Gonna Be Pretty; this Dance
yer goin to. I don't envy ya one bit. OK, boyz and gurlz, thas it
fer now; ya'll have a nice weekend, y'heah. And remember; every Silver
Lining has a Thunderstorm lurking in it, possibly with tornados!
OK, so then I followed that up with this on Sept. 18th, after th Denver
Chiefs Lose 9-6; th Cap'm muses.
OK, I think we can all agree th Chiefs have improved on Defense. They
are obviously better there than they were last year. But at th price
of what? Th end result result is still lost football games.
Their Offense is as laughable now as their Defense previously was.
SIXTEEN points in two games!? Sheeit. That used to be their score
in th first quarter, fr'chrissake!! Now they've scored one touchdown
and kicked three field goals in TWO games. Absolutamenta pathetico!
Th difference here tho is; th Excitement Factor! Fuck Herm Edwards
and his whole conservative style of football. Gimme Dick Vermiel any
day. Ya used to watch a game and sit on th edge of your seat and wonder
if th Chiefs high powered Offense could rack up more points than their
non-existent Defense would give up? That made for some exciting football.
Now ya sit there and yawn and wonder if they'll be able to score a
touchdown during th game before ya fall asleep. Two words best describe
Chiefs play today,
BOR RING! BOR RING! BOR RING!
OK, scuse me, thas six words.
I think from now on I'll jus tune in th news later on at nite to find
out who won, rather than go thru th whole excruciating experience
of actually watching th game. By th way, that laughter and chuckling
ya hear in th far off distance are th sounds of th football fans in
th Big Apple. And that wind: nothing more than th collective sighs
of relief from same.
Wake me when it's over in KC?
P.S. I warned ya a couple of weeks ago boyz and gurlz that this was
gonna be a lonnngg season.
I rest my case! (btw, I hate that phrase, but decided to use it anyway.
hey, I'm flexible)
Monday, December 18, 2006 12:45 AM
Gee, I've had several peoples who wrote me askin
who is this Tori Speling I wrote about? Whas up with that? I mean,
I hardly even watch th TeeVee and I've heard of th dumb little cluck
before myself. Her father is Aron Speling, a big shot TV director.
Ya musta heard of him before, eh? C'mon peoples; wake up! If you peoples
aren't watchin yer TV's, then jus what in th hail are ya doin with
yer spare time anyways? Playin marbles or somthin!?
And by th way, that is th correct spelling of "Speling,"
jus in case you were gettin ready to try and make a case against me.
OK, I saw this amusin bumper sticker earlier today.
"Wear short sleeves!
Support the Right to Bare Arms!"
I thought that was kinda funny.
And then this, which is not so funny, to me anyway. I heard on sports
radio yesterday where in a college basketball game, th final score
was 201 to 78!!
Yeah, thas not a mis-print, it was two-hundred-and-one to seventy-eight!
What kinda fucking coach allows his team to run up a score like that
on anybody? I was rantin and bitchin bout this to some peoples last
nite and several of them thought it was perfectly fine to do that.
They said th idea was to play yer best and if that meant out scoring
yer opponents by 123 points, then so be it!
I don't buy that rationale fer one second myself. To my way of thinkin;
that ain't cool at all. There's such a thing as playin with a bit
of Class, givin yer opponent a certain amount of Respect, and that
was completely lacking in both regards. If that asshole was th coach
of my college basketball team, he wouldn't be comin in to work Monday
morning; as in,
"Congratulations there Coach. You got yer name and, oh yeah,
our school too, on th national news with yer record score. Now take
a hike, you fucking piece of shit!"
But, thas jus me. Isn't it ironic that they have discovered that many
of th anti-depressant drugs th big pharmaceutical companies are *pushin,
can actually make some peoples suicidal!! Ha ha How do ya market a
product like that?
"Feeling down in the dumps? Don't feel like getting out of bed
sometimes. In other words, are you depressed? If so, you need to try
our new, improved anti-depressant medication. If it doesn't drive
you to kill yourself, you'll feel much better."
*oops I didn't mean “pushin',” cus thas what dope slingers
do. I meant marketing.
Y'know, I hate to be th kind of person to say, "I told you so."
But those of you who know me know thas exactly th kind of person I
am! I can't help myself, but anyway, I'm referrin here to your KC
Chiefs! And ya notice I said "Your" rather than "Our".
Perhaps ya recall my rule on this; when they win, they're "Our"
Chiefs. When they lose, they're "Your" Chiefs. Ergo. YOUR
fookin Chiefs!! Maybe you further recall at th beginnin of th season,
Cap't Hoohah, sports guru at large, predicted,
Worst case scenario: 7 and 9
Most probable scenario: 8 and 8
Best scenario: 9 and 7
If ya get yer calculator out, you'll see that no matter what happens
in th last two games, Im still gonna be right on! Awesome, eh. Un-fucking-canny
how I do it, isn't it!
Just Cuz We're In Cowtown, Don't Mean We're Outta Th Loop
Sunday, December 17, 2006 10:28 AM
Speaking of excitement boyz and gurlz, hang on to
yer hats!!, Just last week I saw on th ten o'clock news on channel
41 where Tori Spelling had a garage sale at her Hollywood mansion.
Wow! Can ya imagine that boyz and gurls!! Kinda takes yer breath away,
It's so interesting and refreshing for channel 41 to be take th time
out of their busy news schezhule to let us know about these kinda
things, don'cha think! After 20 minutes of th usual murder and mayhem
which comprises th "news" these days, why not spend one
minute on something uplifting like this? Just a little relief from
th grinding, depressing events swirling around us constantly.
I mean, this daughter of an entertainment mogul had a garage sale
in Hollywood, no less; I mean thas all th way out in California, and
yet, we still know about it out here in th plains, out here in th
wilderness, thanks to th peoples at 41 News.
Who needs Access Hollywood or Inside Edition fr'chrissake,
when we got folks right here in Cowtown getting this kind of vital
info to us!
And check this out; one lucky bargain hunter there managed to purchase
a Starbucks coffee mug that Tori herself had actually used, that still
had her lipstick imprint on it, and they “stole” it fer
a mere 250 bucks! Sheeit!
How would ya like to have somethin like that to put on Your mantle
and wow yer guests with? Watch th Envy spread across their faces as
ya allow em to handle it. I mean, think about it! A coffee mug that
Tori Speling had actually drank out of! And it still had her lipstick
on it. And it was only 250 simoleans!!
Whew Boggles th mind, eh?!
Mindless Stupidity Is Alive And Well in the USA
Friday, December 15, 2006 5:10 AM
From th Kansas City Star, Wednesday, Dec.
13th. 2006. Remember this day well boyz and gurlz.
"Salutations", the first word in the fifth chapter of E.B.
White's Charlottes Web will fill the halls at two Kansas
City schools at precisely the same time today.
Students and teachers at Scuola Vita Nuova charter and West Englewood
elementary schools will join about 500,000 others in 24 countries
and 50 states at 11 am in a simultaneous reading of a passage from
the popular children's book.
The event sponsored by Walden Media, a co-producer along with Paramount
Pictures of the upcoming Charlotte's Web movie, is part of
a worldwide effort to break the Guinness Book of World Records, "for
the mostpeople reading aloud simultaneously in multiple locations.
The current record is held by155,528 students from 737 schools throughout
United Kingdom. It was set in 2004."
Is this fucking exciting!! Or what!!
OK, here's what I propose to do. I want to set a World's Record too,
and I'm gonna need some volunteers. I would like to find at least
ten peoples who would be willing to don a clown costume, doing jumping-jacks,
while holding a frog in each hand and singing, "Michael Rowed
the Boat Ashore" for ten minutes.
Of course you must supply yer own costume and frogs and know th words
to th song. And naturally you must be in prime physical condition
to be able to perform for ten minutes. So, regardless of yer eagerness
to participate, no couch potatoes need apply.
Obviously, I won't be able to join in my self, cuz this kinda strenuous
activity is a bit more than I can handle, but I will be there supporting
you and encouraging you along. I already got a famous clown from Houston
on th team, who goes by th moniker, "Popcorn", who will
be able to give "clown clues" to those of you who may be
Think of th Glory tho and Satisfaction to be part of something like
this, something bigger than yourself. To be immortalised in th Guinness
Book of World Records! Imagine th looks of admiration and pride on
yer grandchildren's faces as you tell em once again about that day.
That special day that will stay with you fer th rest of yer life,
jus like th children who will always remember, Dec. 13th, 2006. th
day they read a passage from Charlotte's Web.
Oh sure, some naysayers will say shit like,
"But, why in th FUCK-ALL would ya even bother to participate
in something as ridiculously banal and meaningless as this? And who
makes up these absurd categories anyway?"
There'll always be th gloomy-heads who won't be able to appreciate
th Worth of a project like this, as I imagine there are those who
find this "simultaneous reading record" as just bein mind-numbingly
Stoopid too. Ya know th type I'm sure! Pay em no heed. And jus forget
it's bein sponsored by th peoples who are gonna bring us th movie
shortly, Don't be cynical, OK, just remember,
It's all about th children!!!
P.S. I'm kinda curious why they started their reading on th fifth
chapter, instead of th first? Who decides things like this in a project
of this magnitude? Is th word, "Salutations" gonna be featured
in th trailer fer th movie or somthin?
TWISTED LOGIC - POOR MUSLIMS. THEY GET INSULTED - WE GET BEHEADED
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 5:29 PM
A buddy sent this to me. It's pretty anti-Muslim
which I don't like bein, but sometimes it's hard to try and maintain
a neutrality where these folks are concerned. Th recent 'plight',
and I use th word loosely, concerning th Imans at th Airport is an
The Pope says that jihad violence is against God's nature, and officials
fear that in response, Muslims enraged by this insult will commit...jihad
Muslims murder 3,000 innocents in New York and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 202 tourists in Bali and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 333 schoolchildren and their teachers in Beslan and
expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 292 innocents, mainly Kenyans and Tanzanians at two
US embassies and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 241 US and 58 French peacekeepers in Beirut and expect
Muslims fire 4,000 Katyusha rockets into Northern Israel killing over
50 innocent civilians and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 52 in London and 191 in Madrid and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 200 in Mumai and expect no criticism.
Muslims behead Western hostages in Iraq, Buddhist monks in Thailand
and Christian schoolgirls in Indonesia and expect no criticism.
Muslims murder 500,000 in Darfur and expect no criticism.
Muslims regard Jews as “sons of pigs and monkeys,” and
vow to nuke Israel
and expect no criticism.
Muslims force women to wear hideous sacks, stone to death women for
getting raped and for leaving the home unescorted, engage in honor
killings of sisters and daughters for unapproved dating, and expect
Muslims danced in the streets and handed out sweets to their kids
to celebrate the 9/11 atrocity, and still expected no criticism.
Since 9/11 Muslims have killed over 26,000 and wounded over 50,000
in terrorist attacks worldwide since 9/11 and expect no criticism.
Since 9/11 Muslims have committed terrorist attacks in Afghanistan,
Algeria, Bangladesh, Belgium, Chad, Chechnya, Dagestan, Denmark, East
Timor, Egypt, England, Eritrea, Ethiopia, France, Germany, India,
Indonesia, Ingushetia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Jordan-Iraq, Kabardino-Balkans,
Kenya, Kosovo, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Lebanon, Mauritania, Morocco, Netherlands,
Nigeria, Pakistan, Gaza-Palestinian Authority, Philippines, Qatar,
Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Somalia, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan,
Syria, Tajikistan, Thailand, Tunisia, Turkey, United Arab Emirates,
United Arab Republic, United States, Uzbekistan and Yemen, and still
expect no criticism.
Muslims have carried out over 5,800 fatal terrorist atrocities since
9/11, and countless thousands since Islamic conquest began in 623
AD and expect no criticism.
But if a Pope dares to tell the truth about Islam or Danes publish
cartoons about Mohammed, then let the outpourings of Islamic hate
and outrage begin.
And by some twisted reach of logic, the arrogant bastards demand the
Pope issue an apology.
As I said, sometimes th Sympathy doesn't come easy. It's becoming
increasingly harder for me to try and not give in to feelings of Anger
and Resentment and Outrage at this religion. Apologists say, they're
not all like that. Yeah, well...I don't recall ever seeing a street
demonstration by these, what seems to me to be non-existent, peaceful
factions, against th latest atrocity their fellow Muslim brothers
Loons Walk Among Us
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 4:40 PM
Last nite I was sittin in Ott's down there in yer
Country Club Plazah District. That is where I do my late nite drinkin
after Mike's closes, so I was drunk and stoned as usual per that time
of th mornin, and got into a conversation with a guy there. I don't
remember what we were rappin about, but he seemed like a reasonably
intelligent person. At least fer a bit anyway.
Until.... he mentioned that FDR had deliberately allowed th Japanese
to attack Pearl Harbor with impunity!! Gave em th “go ahead.”
"Oh Pshaw!!" I said. Or "Bullshit.” One of those
things, or somthin to that effect. Y'know, like, whatever you reply
when some one sez something so jaw-droppingly Stupid
I mean, this is on a scale of IDIOCY as someone tellin ya that th
Holocaust didn't happened, or that we never actually went to th moon,
or that Georgie Porgie was behind 9/11. And that last one is especially
grating, cuz Everyone knows that that Evil Bastard Dictator, Saddam
Hussein was behind that, and by th way, jus so ya know, th World is
a safer place today without him!!! Ya've all noticed that, haven't
Like, since we got rid of Saddam, Peace and Harmony reign once more
in th world! Right!? Now that th Democracy lovin peoples of Iraq have
Freedoms now, all th other surrounding Muslim countries are clamorin
fer some Freedom too. Well, Im sure I don't hav'ta tell you that.
It's sooo fookin obvious!! Ya can see it on th TV and th front page
every day. Hordes of Muslims in th streets clamoring, chanting….
"We wants some fucking Freedoms too! How come th Iraqis get it
all? Democracy fer ALL Muslims!"
Well, anyway, once this dude said that about FDR I realised I was
rappin with a full blown Loon, First Class. You can no longer have
an intelligent conversation with some one that fookin nuts!!! How
can you take any thing any one says seriously, after a statement like
Not only tho, did he believe that; but he was amazed and surprised
that I wasn't aware of that fact too. He said, everyone knew that.
That it was common knowledge. He acted like I was some kind of ignorant
hayseed not to know that.
Hmmm. But, I didn't know that. In all my readings on th Second World
War, I have never read any where that FDR had actually permitted th
Japanese to attack us at Pearl Harbor, so as to drag us into th war.
Boy jus wait til historians find out about that. They're sure gonna
change their opinions about him, eh! He will prolly no longer be considered
one of our very best Presidents, I'll bet!!
So, I kinda challenged this guy to back up this ridiculous assertion
with some facts. He said th info was all over th place if I would
take th time to look. He said it was on th Net!!!! Whooo boy, whenever
any one starts tellin me that they read somethin on th Net, as tho,
that precludes any arguments, they've lost me right there!!!!
And ya know whut is kinda funny bout all this is; that I'm a guy who'll
listen to a conspiracy theory. Reely! I may not embrace it, but I'll
listen and give it some credence as bein possible. I won't automatically
disregard it outta hand. Well...... except fer somthing as totally
fuckin absurd as this!!!
Like, fr'instance, I've read prolly 10 different conspiracy theories
regarding th assassination of JFK. All of em make a bit of sense.
There's always enuff strange and unexplained things to make ya wonder?
I mean, something happened there which, for who knows what reasons,
our government refuses to tell us about. Why is anything connected
to this event which occurred 43 years ago still classified? Why are
we not allowed to know everything that is known about that tragic,
historical day? Was th CIA involved? Lyndon Johnson? Rogue elements
in th Government? Anti-Castro Cubans? Th Mob. Santo Trafficante? Carlos
Marcello? Fidel Castro or pro-Castro Cubans? Sheeit! Who knows? Cus
they won't give us access to all th info. Some of it is still classified?
To this day!!!
Why? I dunno. But it sounds like some kinda Conspiracy to me boyz
P.S. By th way, did'ja know that Geo. Washington was actually a spy
fer th Brits, until they had a falling out over his wages. They insisted
he accept those dumb pounds sterling and pences and farthings and
stuff like thet, but he wanted good ol US greenbacks! It's true. There's
"Mission Accomplished" (have ya heard that one before?)
Friday, December 8, 2006 3:06 PM
Well yesterday I brought Operation Shiny Nickel;
th mission to clean up my crib for my weekend guests, to a successful
Around three o'clock, in th final phase of th operation, I came back
from th laundry having washed all th sheets, covers, pillows, etc.
in th guest bedroom, adding numerous sheets of "Bounce"
to th dryers, so as to give everything an extra hint of springtime
freshness. I'm tellin ya, it was so fookin "springy" in
there I thought heard birds chirping and th high pitched squeals of
joy of children at play, but then I looked out th window and saw old
patches of snow still on th driveway. Back to th real world! Thas
one of th good things bout those flights of fancy that come over one
every now and then; one usually returns to reality. At least, so far.
So, anyway, I took a quick inspection of th premises; everything looked
pretty good. I went and laid on my sofa and savored my accomplishments
with a feeling of smug satisfaction.
About 15 minutes later, my reverie was cut short by th phone ringing.
It was my son. He was callin to say, he and his gurl were gonna be
stayin th Hyatt for th weekend. I sputtered tryin to hide my disappointment
"Well, y'know, I DID clean up th place and ya rilly don't have
to stay at th Hyatt, cuz everything's cool here!"
But he explained that, cus he worked at th Hyatt in St.Louie, he got
a rilly good deal for th weekend, And even tho I was wonderin why
any one would rather stay at th Hyatt Regency that my crib, I said,
"Well, yeah, sure! I can dig that."
while I'm rememberin almost settin th joint on fire, and th moppin
and boilin, and sweepin and everything else, tryin to make th place
presentable. Sheeit! All that hard work fer nothin! Damn! And lemme
tell ya boyz and gurlz, cleanin house is hard work! Well anyway, I
went back to th sofa and I laid there, havin fantasies of somebody
comin to visit, and I usher em in and they say,
"Wow, Cap'm, yer place, tho it may be cluttered, yeah, but still.....
it's jus so darned CLEAN, y'know whut I mean!"
And I grin smugly at em and say,
"Yeah I know, it is, isn't it!" as I sweep my arms around
to encompass it all.
"Here, if ya wanta, ya can sit in this chair right here, cuz,
like there aren't any dirty clothes draped al over it, and there aren't
papers and bills and crap all over th arm rests, or, if ya prefer,
ya can sit here on my nice clean sofa with me. And by th way, if ya
wanta a beer, yer allowed to enter th kitchen to get it yerself. It's
no longer a “restricted zone” or if ya should feel th
need to pass water, so ta speak, th bathroom is also available.Ya
don't have'ta go off th porch no more. Ha ha"
And so I take some small satisfaction, even tho it's only in my Fantasy
Life, that some one appreciated my hard work and effort. Sigh.
*N.B. Yea verily, tho it may still be disordered and somewhat cluttered,
keep in mind, it is a CLEAN Chaos!
*(Latin for 'nota bene' meaning, "Note this well")
'Operation Shiny Nickel' Goes Awry
Tuesday, December 5, 2006 5:51 PM
A couple of weeks ago my son, who lives in St. Louie,
told me that he and his gurlfriend would be coming to town on Dec.
8. Since they will prolly be staying with me, I realised I needed
to clean th crib up a bit. While th condition of th place is not rilly
a problem fer me, other peoples might find it, well, like, disgusting,
y'know whut I mean.
So every day since he called, I kept thinkin that I prolly oughta
get started on this clean up, cuz, th magnitude of th task is formidable.
More that you can prolly imagine. It's a pretty daunting challenge.
Th last time things had deteriorated to this stale, I paid this gurl
a hundred bucks jus to clean th kitchen, but this time thas jus part
of th problem, like, there's th rest of th house to take care of.
So, today, I got to thinkin, hmmm, since I'm not th kinda guy to put
things off, mebbe I oughta go ahead and get started, cuz like, Friday's
not that far away, eh? I set a modest goal for th day; I would jus
do th stove and mebbe wash a few pots and pans. Of course, before
I could wash any pots or pans I had to clean th sinks first. Whew!!
Not a job for th weak of heart, or weak of stomach either! And even
then, I couldn't jus put em in th sink and wash em in a conventional
way cuz they were all in pretty bad condition. Some of em I classified
as NS (not salvageable) and jus threw em away. That was th third crock-pot
I've thrown away in th past year.
First off, I took some pots that had some stuff in em: this "stuff"
had been there for quite some time and had gotten rather hard, so
I filled em with soapy water and and put em on th four burners on
th stove to soften em up a bit. Then I retired to th living room to
take a break and to let th boiling, sudsy water do it's thing.
OK, I got good news and bad news. Th good news is; th smoke alarm
Th bad news is; th place is a fuckin mess! Today CL = ML” came
Aw'right, to translate this, let C stand for th Cap't. Let L stand
for Law, and Let M stand for Murphy. See? Thus, CL = ML”. A
formula fer Disaster!!
I was lying there on th sofa, readin a book, and I kinda smelled,
like somthin burnin, but since I had four pots on th stove, I didn't
worry bout it. Figured it had somthin to do with that. A few minutes
later this little black flake drifted into view right in front of
my eyes. At first I thought it was one of those gnat-like things that
have been roomin with me for a while, so again I didn't pay any attention
to it. Then th smoke alarm went off and I thought,
"Hmm, why is my smoke alarm goin off? What's this all about?"
and I looked in th direction of th kitchen and smoke was billowing
out and it was rainin ashes!! Sheeit! I rushed in th kitchen and these
two big rolls of paper towels I had left standin upright on th stove
had caught on fire. Th overhead fan was blowin th smoke and ashes
They both had flames coming off of em fer a couple of feet. I was
afraid they were gonna catch th grease on th stove on fire any second,
so I threw one of em on th floor and tried to stomp it out and every
time I stepped on it a cloud of ashes came up. And then, th top of
th stove did catch on fire, cus th other roll ignited th grease there.
I threw it on th floor and it was burnin and th stove was on fire
But I didn't panic. Deja Vu!! I flashed back to th last time I was
in almost this same situation and so knew exactly what to do. I found
th th big bag of flour I keep handy for exactly this reason, and flung
th contents all over th stove top smotherin th flames. And also over
th paper towel burnin on th floor. Whew!!
Man, it's amazing how much ash a couple rolls of kitchen towels can
generate. Ya wouldn't believe it!! There were ashes floatin down all
over th place. I mean, it was like a black snowfall. I looked at th
disaster that was my kitchen. Phase One of th Clean Up had gone rather
badly. Sheeit, I had ashes and flour al over th place.
I was behind now. Damn! I had created more Mess than I had started
off with originally. I couldn't deal with it. I shook my head and
said ten thousand curses and went back to th sofa to do some Serenity
Meditation Exercises, but before I could get Serene, I saw some more
smoke comin out of th kitchen again.
Th damned burnt hulk of one of th rolls had re-ignited, so this time
I threw a pot of water on it. Now, I reely had a Mess. Water, ashes
and flour all over th floor.
Why does this kinda shit keep on happenin to me? Sometimes I wonder
whether Dick Nixon reely is responsible fer all th calamities in my
life after all? Some times I think there may be other Forces in th
Universe, besides him, who are conspiring against me. Do you think
this Conspiracy could be that big, boyz and gurlz? Wouldn't ya think
these Beings would have better things to do than to amuse themselves
by messin with some puny Earthling in this Minor Galaxy? I wanna say
"C'mon dudes, back off!! Get a Life, huh!"
Sheeit! And now, th whole steenking house reeks of "Somethin
burnt", y'know that smell. And when I walk, eddies of ashes roil
up behind me, only to settle down, until th next time I walk thru.
Man, this is discouraging. I feel like jus leavin everything, "As
is!" and lettin my guests deal with it. Y'know, like,
"Oh that? Yeah, hehe, Had a little accident Tuesday. No big deal.
Here's a face mask for both of you, cuz if you walk around too much,
you'll stir th ashes up. And be careful of th flour, otherwise you'll
track it all thru th house. Yeah, and sorry bout that bathroom sink
and commode. Yeah, I'm gonna clean em up one of these days, y'know,
like, when I have th time and all. So, kids, jus make yerselves at
I dunno tho, mebbe I'll give it another shot tomorrow. If I have time,
that is, cuz, like, there's still Thursday left.
Speaking of Haikus
Friday, December 1, 2006 3:02 PM
My buddy David P, outta Connecticut, sent this to
"The weasel, stalking
Nose to the ground, never hears
Footsteps of the hawk"
Pretty heavy, huh! There's a lesson to be learned there boyz and gurlz.
An Old Dawg Learns A New Trick
Thursday, November 30, 2006 5:09 PM
Mr Winter rears his ugly head, eh. I know, some peoples
think all this snow crap is beautiful; I say it's ugly. They see a
white pristine scene; I see dirty brown slush tomorrow. Those same
peoples say th glass is half full; I say it's empty.
Well anyway, I was slippin and slidin about this afternoon and th
heater wasn't workin properly and I couldn't get th heat to come outta
th dashboard vents. So when I got back to th crib, I brought th owners
manual into th crib to see if I might get a clue there, y'know, cuz,
like, peoples are always sayin to me,
"Cap't, you ain't gotta fuckin clue, do ya?"
And I say back to em,
"Yo dude, why ya always gotta use that kinda crude language?"
Well anyway, I figured, mebbe there might be a clue in there. So I
reclined myself in a comfortable position on th sofa, and proceeded
to perusin th Climate Control System section in a clue quest, Nada!
But then, wait! At th end, it concluded with this sentence.
"Your heater works best when the windows are closed while you're
"Whoo boy" I thought, as I slapped my palm across my forehead,
"that sounds like some kinda fookin clue to me! Nobody ever hipped
me to that before!"
And so then, I got to ponderin and meditatin on that and I came up
with this thought.
"Hmmm, mebbe that same logic applies to other stuff as well.
Mebbe I can use that insight in other areas of my life."
And I started thinkin of "connections" y'know, and similarities,
and, suddenly, I got this reely clever idea, see, and I acted on it
immediately, while it was still fresh,
I GOT UP AND CLOSED TH FRONT DOOR!!
And ya know what? Within an hour I was able to remove my overcoat
Now, I'm wonderin if this might have some kinda trickle-down effect
on my outrageous gas bills? Might there be a connection there too???
P.S. So ya see boyz and gurlz, jus like I did, some times we can learn
important lessons in life from seemingly mundane and banal sources,
like yer car's owner's manual, fr'instance. Ya jus gotta keep an open
mind, ya dig.
Th Art Of The Haiku
Thursday, November 30, 2006 5:59 AM
any moron can write haiku, just stop at the seventeenth
RE: That Missing Chunk O' Meat
Thursday, November 30, 2006 4:51 AM
Y'know, usually when I lose somethin; standard operating
procedure is to notify St. Anthony and ask for his immediate assistance.
And usually, I then find th missing object in a relatively short period
of time. Th dude is Good, I'm tellin ya!
But in this case, I'm a bit reluctant to call on him for help. I mean,
askin his help to find yer keys, or glasses, or wallet, or something
like that is one thing, but to ask for help findin a piece of meat?
I dunno, whadda'ya think? Do ya think he might find that a petty,
frivolous request, not only Not to be taken seriously, but perhaps
annoyin him in th process. I mean, I know he's a saint and all, but
sheeit, even saints can get cranky and irritable and have bad days
y'know. And th last thing I wanna do is get on his bad side, y'know,
cuz, like, I require his help plenty more times than yer average loon,
so I wanna maintain friendly relations and I sure as hell don't wanna
alienate him. Ya dig! I guess this is one time I'm completely on my
A buddy of mine suggested that mebbe that errant bit of beef will
turn up in my laundry. Oh Pshaw! Then, I've had several peoples postulate
a RAT might be involved somehow; that perhaps while I was on th phone
and distracted, some nasty member of th rodent family might have made
away with my snack and dragged it back to his lair.
But, no, no, I reject this outta hand, cuz unlike most places I've
ever lived, this place is, "Rodent Free". I mean, like,
"Totally". In six years, I've never seen a single solitary
mouse here! Hard to believe you say!! I know, I know! Specially if
ya saw my kitchen, cus my crib would be like Paradise for those of
So, I don't know why I've never had any of those pests here, but....
there it is!
And also durin these past six years, I only saw one member of La Cucuracha
Community a couple of years ago, and fortunately, I was able to squash
th bejesus outta him before he was able to alert others of his posse.
Shudder. Ooooh man, that was a close call.
One of th major worries of my life is that one day one of their scouts
will find out where I'm livin, and then it will jus be a matter of
time before I'm invaded again by their barbarous hordes. I've been
unwillingly co-habitatin with those bastards almost all of my adult
life. See, like, since I left home in 1959 at age 17, out of 52 different
places I've lived since then, all but three or four of em were rat/mouse/cockroach/silverfish,
etc. infested kinda places where ya wouldn't live by choice. But oft
times boyz and gurlz, Dame Fortuna takes matters outta our hands,
y'know what I mean.
Well anyway, obviously I rant. But sheeit, there is still a piece
of medium rare prime rib out there thas got my name on it and I want
it back goddamit!!!!
Ah, Th Young and th Dumb
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 5:53 PM
Sometimes th antics of our young peoples can be
truly entertaining. Like last nite, fr'instance, I caught a young
dude's rite of passage of turning 21. This happens all th time, but
because th bar wasn't crowded, I was able to witness th whole show,
basically from beginning to end.
Turnin 21 now, he was doin th ritual of downing 21 shots, one for
each year y'see. He was throwin each shot down slammin th glass on
th bar with great fanfare, complete with lotsa hootin and hollerin
and carryin on.
Well, y'know how excitable th young ones can get with their enthusiasms.
Watch a college football game sometime fer example. Y'would think
that what was happenin there was actually important and meaningful
in some kinda way. Ha ha
So anyway, I watched this young dude beginning to stagger and lurch
about as he got progressively drunker. As a matter of fact he staggered
and lurched into me several times, tryin to negotiate his way about.
Each time he gave me that drunken, uncomprehending look of peoples
in his condition, and you could see he was wonderin,
"What th fuck is goin on??? And why is this old geezer keep gettin
in my way?"
while his buddies are apologizin for him and tryin to help him maintain
his perpendicularity. I finally had to change my seating arrangements
so as to not keep gettin in his way, and cuz my patience was wearin
thin and I was startin to get a bit annoyed every time he fell into
By th time he'd done, like, oh I dunno, maybe his 17th shot, he was
totally fucked up. I sat there bemusedly watchin th whole spectcle
unfold, while some friends of mine sittin at th bar, kept goading
him on to make it to 21 shots and were even buyin his drinks.
Each time they suggested a new and different exotic drink for him
to try. They had him drinkin, "piledrivers", "boston
crabs", "blue magoos", y'know, all kinds of weird drinks.
As he threw down drink after drink he would he would shake his head,
tryin to clear th cobwebs out. "Whoooo man!!!"
Now, after a bit, I kinda thought my friends were bein jus a bit irresponsible,
cus th punk kid was gettiin more and more wasted after each shot.
But then one of em came over to my table, laughin and chucklin, and
confided in me that they had been feedin him cranberry juice and water,
and other non-alcoholic combinations fer his last ten drinks or so,
makin up silly names for each new drink, completely unbeknownst to
him. Ha ha
So I got a chuckle outta that myself, cuz I had thought they had been
gettin th poor kid dangerously fucked up.
Well, he was apparently gettin more fucked up with each shot, but
it wasn't as a result of booze; nah, it was all jus in his own head.
Th power of suggestion, eh. Ha ha.
After a while his buddies half carried him out, and after th whole
crew left, we all laughed, conjecturing on th "turnin 21 story"
he was gonna be tellin in th future, complete with a spankin on his
bare butt by one of th regular lassies.
"Oh man, th nite I turned 21, I not only drank th usual 21 shots,
I drank at least ten more after that. I'm not jivin ya, I did. And
there were people there who saw me do it too! And then this hot young
chick there spanked me 21 times on th ass. No shit bro!"
I'm tellin ya folks, watchin that young fool there makin a total ass
of himself, reminded me of a lot of things in my own past I would
rather forget, if ya know what I mean. Ha ha
Th Latest in th Series; "Mysteries on Walnut Street"
Date: Wednesday, November 29, 2006 1:00 PM
OK, boyz and gurlz, this is a rather strange tale
here. And of course, sans any embellishments. This is how it went
Last nite I came home and I was a bit tipsy, y'know how I be's around
three of th AM, so naturally I decided to have a late nite snack,
before my date with Morpheus. I retrieved a to-go box from th fridge
which contained two pieces of prime rib from a previous dinner out
at Harrah's. One piece was considerably larger than th other, so I
selected that one for my repast.
But before I had a chance to commence th warming up operation, suddenly,
from th living room, I heard my phone ringing. I thought to myself,
"Hmmm, now, who would that be, callin me at such an unseemly
Well, it was an old buddy of mine jus callin to say, "Sup".
So we rapped fer about fifteen minutes and I told him I had some late
nite bidness to take care of, and so took leave of him.
I returned to my kitchen project, but, what th fu.......? The large
slab of rib wasn't in th container. Only th smaller one. I scratched
my head in consternation. What happened to th one I had chosen? So,
I started lookin round th kitchen for it. I didn't put it back in
th ice box. (old codgers will know what I mean by th 'ice box') It
wasn't on th stove or th counter. I looked in th living room by th
phone, thinkin maybe I might have taken it with me when I answered
th phone. Nah! I looked in th freezer. I even checked th bathroom.
Then, I went outside and checked th glove compartment in my ride,
jus so I could truthfully say. "I looked everywhere!".
Th fookin piece of prime rib was gone missing! Poof! Evidently vanished
into thin air. No where to be found. I mean, when I say, "I looked
every where", well, you can appreciate jus how thorough my search
was can't you?
So, sheeit. I went ahead and warmed up th smaller piece and ate it,
assuming with th light of a new day, and a fresh attitude perhaps,
that I would come across th missing slab today.
If ya were hopin fer a happy ending, it ain't gonna happen, cuz I
still don't have a clue where it went to? I have searched again today
for it to no avail. I dunno, this is most perplexing. It makes me
wonder? Oh sure, we all lose stuff from time to time, right, but have
ya ever misplaced a slab of prime rib before? Are there lotsa other
peoples out there today, jus like me, searchin their cribs fer missing
pieces of meat?
How bout you boyz and gurlz? Has this ever happened to you before?
Th Cap't, th Guru, gets Profound in his old age.
Friday, November 24, 2006 3:33 PM
OK, ya'll go and meditate on this for a while."Patience
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 8:04 PM
This from my Orish bud Mike G.
At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the
audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence...
"Fookin stop doing it then!"
Good News Ya'll
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:50 PM
I already heard on th news tonite, even tho it's
not Thanksgiving yet, that if early trends continue, this Holiday
Season is gonna be a good be a bright and cheery one for Holiday Consumers.
That would be you and me.
It seems th biggest celebrants, like Wal-mart and Target, are goin
after our bidness with a vengeance this year. Gonna be some pretty
merry prices as they slug it out fer our plastic. So, let's all go
out there and try and make this th Best Christmas Ever for those Walton
Rudolph The Red-Assed Reindeer
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:33 PM
Rudolph the Red-assed reindeer
Had a very shiny butt
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
blah, blah blah
Then one froggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your butt so bright
Won't you guide my sleight tonite
blah, blah, blah
Now forget th froggy Christams Eve part boyz and gurls, when ya stop
and think about th rest of it, doesn't this version make more sense
High Fivin'. Mo plenty enuff. PLEASE!!
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 2:05 PM
What's with this "high five" jive anyway?
I thought, and hoped fifteen years ago this foolishness would fade
away like all foolish fads eventually do. But, nooooo, it's still
alive and thriving. I mean, peoples come up to you and say,
"Hey, what's up? Gimme five". WHACK!
"How bout those Chiefs?" (or whatever) WHACK!
"Is this a great day, or what?" WHACK!!
"Yo dude, I'm goin fishin this weekend!" "Awesome,
One is supposed to slam one's hand to just about every inane, banal
comment made within five feet of ya.
Like, yer sittin. in a bar, relaxin, throwin back a few and yer buddy
wants ya to go outside and check out his new ride. SHIT! So you go
outside and he has a 2001 Taurus. Ya say, "Cool" and then
ya high-five. WHACK! Ya wanna go back inside and take care of that
beer, but first, he wants ya to sit in it while he searches fer his
Stevie Ray Vaughn CD so that ya can actually experience jus what it's
like, to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughn, right there in a 2001 Taurus!
"Hey, gimme' five!" he sez as he leans over and ya do th
high five. WHACK!!
"And, check out that glove compartment. Damn near big enough
to put a suitcase in!"
"Hey, yeah, it's really cool. Boy, I just never dreamed I'd be
actually sitting in a 2001 Taurus." I say. "And it's all
yours, huh? WHACK! Man. I'd bet there probably aren't more than 20,000
of these babies right here in KC. and you've got one of em!"
"Well, whadda ya say we go back inside now, and tend to those
beers we got there. I can only deal with so much excitement in one
night, you know. Har har."
So you go back inside and recover your now much warmer beer, while
yer hand swells up, and someone else wants to show you the most recent
pictures of their dog. Or their cat.... or cow...... or fucking gerbil.
You know, some fucking thing! Like you've never seen one of these
critters before. Kinda like a 01' Taurus, ya' know what I mean?
"Yes, I can definitely see why this would be yer favorite picture.
I mean, just look at im there. Sleeping on the sofa like that. No
wonder yer bursting with pride. Wait a minute, before you tell me
what new trick he learned last week, what do you say we get another
Well, anyway, enuff of this crap. I can't take it any more. Jus a
couple of nights ago I was watchin a real gung-ho high fiver at th
end of th bar. This dude din't jus put his hand up there fer a perfunctory
little slap. I dunno what they were rappin about, but about every
five minutes he would draw his hand behind his shoulder, and throw
his whole body into it and slam it forward in to his buddy's upraised
hand, and it would make a rilly loud CRACK, kinda like a rifle shot.
I suspect they both had plenty sore hands th next day. I asked a dude
about him and he kinda laughed and said th guy jus had a real outgoin
I said, "No, No, No, thas not an outgoin personality; that goes
beyond an outgoing personality, he's jus a FUCKIN ASSHOLE, thas all.
There's a difference."
And y'know, peoples who do th high five bit don't take kindly to it
either if ya opt out and decline. Like, one nite last week, this drunken
young girl was high fivin every person who walked by her. I mean,
literally, every person. I dunno, mebbe she was "rollin"
and jus felt a connection with all beings that nite, but, whatever!
Watchin her, I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided
I needed a high five too.
Sure enuff, eventually she came over to my table, realising, I guess,
that she had missed me in her crescendo of high fivin and said,
"Hey Pop, whas up?"
and stuck her hand up, waitin....
And I said, "Not much."
And I jus stared at her blankly and didn't reply. I really don't care
for it too much when some young punk-ass kid I never saw before in
my life comes up to me and calls me "Pop." Ha ha y'know
whut I mean. And she stood there, lookin, holdin her hand up expectantly,
still waitin.... and finally she said,
"Gimme five dude!"
and I said,
"Nah, I don't think so. I don't do th high five!"
"You don't high five? Why not dude? Like, what's yer problem?"
she said in an aggressive kinda tone.
"Like, I don't really got no problem sweetie. It jus seems like,
y'know, a dumb, meaningless gesture to me and I'm perfectly fine with
not high fivin every drunken kid who comes up to me. So, like, you
got a problem with THAT?"
"Yer bein an asshole! Ya know that!!"
"Don't sell yerself short Princess! Yer doin a real nice job
yerself. Now why don't ya go off and play with some kiddies yer own
age and leave me th fuck alone!"
She wrinkled her nose at me, y'know jus exactly like spoiled little
brats do, and flipped me off and stepped away. And so after that,
every guy who hit on her, after she had high fived im, was told what
an asshole I was! I'm tellin ya, some of these high fivers can be
pretty darned sensitive peoples, in spite of their outgoin personalities.
New Reality Show Demonstrating Compassion In The New Millennium
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:18 PM
I was thinking the other night about a TV show, kinda
like an updated version of the old Queen For A Day. Do ya
remember that one, from waaay back in th past? And if ya do happen
to remember it, I'd say you must be approachin "geezerhood",
but, thas Ok, cus I'm, like, a geezer too. Nothin wrong with bein
a geezer, jus like there's nothin inherently wrong with bein, "young
and dumb", All jus stages we gotta go thru in life, eh, but I
gotta admit tho, I don't much care for that word to describe my senior/type
condition. There must be somthin else that is a bit more dignified,
wouldn't ya think? And for some reason when ya precede it with "old"
thas even worse, y'know, like, in "old geezer".
Well anyway, back to business. My show would use th same premise as
Queen For A Day, but jus updated a bit.
Three homeless, half crazy, drunken sots, would vie, with each other,
as it were, each holding their own hand lettered sign, with their
own personalised message and they would have a street pole there to
help them stand up and maintain their balance, and they would tell
us their personal histories, as best they could, and all the bad shit
that had befallen them over the years to cause them to reach their
present pitiable state, and why they deserved a furnished box under
the bridge, for a week, fully stocked with an ample supply of pork
and beans and MD/20-20. (whew! gasp! that was quite a sentence)
And depending on how loud the audience hooted, hollered, and whistled
for their favorite homeless person, would determine who was Hobo of
the Day. We could jus take the audience straight from Springer's show
right into the studio and they would already be primed. Wouldn't even
have to "warm" them up. And what better time to launch such
a "feel good" kinda program, then right now during th holiday