Subject: Another Dream Bites The Dust
Date: Friday, December 22, 2006 3:06 AM

OK, ya'll, my apologies to those of you who were gonna take that ride with me down E-Zee Street in our new Bentleys, cuz this e-mail from my buddy Tommy D. kinda popped my bubble.

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Re: Fortune 500, Here We Come
Charley, great idea but a e-mail I receive on packaging trends announced about 2-3 weeks ago they are going to start packaging condiments in pretty much the same way you have described. Sorry. TD

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It's a good thing we live in an enlightened age and are no longer barbarians eh, cus ya can imagine what would have become of that messenger bearing that kinda news in days of yore.

But, what happened? How did these fuckers get on to me? Silly question, eh, cuz we know exactly whose behind this op, don't we?! It's my arch nemesis, that goddamned Snake-In-Th-Grass-Dick Nixon! Once again!

Sheeit. Every time I'm on th verge of Fame, Glory, and Wealth, and Power, his ungodly minions always, somehow manage to put th kibosh on my schemes. Oh man, I wished I'd kicked him in th shins when I had th chance!!

th cap'm

Subject: A Message To All The Grits Aficionados Out There
Date: Friday, December 22, 2006 2:29 AM

Well, based on my own personal experience, the only thing I can say to peoples who eat grits on a regular, ongoing basis is,

'What in th hell is wrong with you!!!?"

I hope you realise that you are not very far removed from those folks who eat lutefisk. A rather harsh judgment perhaps, but still.......

And, by th way, if ya don't know what lutefisk is, bask in yer ignorance, cus some things are better left undelved into. Haggis would be another good example. It's kinda like that scene in th slasher flick where ya wanna scream out,

"FOR TH LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM!!!"

th cap'm

Subject: Intriguing Questions?
Date: Thursday, December 21, 2006 4:26 PM

Why are we here?

What is the meaning of it all?

OK, those are good and interestin questions, eh? But, fer now, I have a couple of questions of my own. Like.

WHY are grits?

What are they good for?

I first started wonderin about this a long time ago. It was 1960, and I was 18 then. and I had jus arrived in Atlanta, Ga. off a train from LA earlier in th day. I had promptly gone out and got myself drunk, and early in th morn staggered into an all night diner and ordered me up some ham and eggs.

When the waitress brung my plate, there wuz some white stuff (if you are a weather forecaster you would be wonderin why there wuz snow on my plate, eh? and th rest of us wonder why ya jus cain't call that “white stuff” snow?) next to my eggs. I took a small tentative bite, thinkin it might be rice. It wasn't, so, like, I asked th waitress, I said,

"Scuse me mam', but what is this white stuff?"

and the waitress guffawed and said in a loud voice fer all ta hear,

"Hey ya'll, this young feller wants ta know whut thet white stuff iz on his plate?"
and all of th other waitresses and peoples sittin next ta me at th counter had a good chuckle over that. They found that pretty amusin. After th laughter died down, (timin's everything, y'know) she said, in her best southern drawl,

"Whaah honeeey, those are Gree-iiiiits!" makin two words out of “grits,” and I gave her a blank look and said,

"Yeah.…well, so.... what in th hell are grits?"

and this got em all goin again. Thas OK tho, it was cool y'know, cuz it wuz my first night in Atlanta and I had copped a nice buzz and already I wuz able ta provide some good entertainment fer th natives. They all found me pretty darned amusin with my yankee accent and silly questions and all.

I don't think anyone ever did explain ta me tho, jus exactly what GRITS were, but hell, I don't think they rilly knew themselves. Grits were jus somethin they took fer granted, like th sun comin up every mornin, and didn't require any explainin or analyzin. They jus, in a Zen kind of sense..... WERE!..... y'know whut ahm sayin!

After all, these peoples had been eatin grits with breakfast, lunch and supper their entire lives and it didn't rilly need any delvin into, ya' know whut' ah mean!! I'm sure they were all thinkin,

"Whut kinda question is thet anyway? 'Whut are grits?" Sheeeit! Where is this young yahoo from anyway?"

I guess it would be like askin someone from Indiana to explain whut a "hoosier" is? They would prolly say somethin like,

"If ya gotta ask, I couldn't explain it".

So...after spendin a year and a half travellin all over Georgia and N. Florida, on a road crew, goin from one small town to the next, sellin encyclopedias (Collier's) door to door, tryin ta bring some “Educational Aids” into th trailers of poor 'crackers', eatin in small town restaurants, and diners and roadhouses, and so on, and so forth. And now, some 47 years later, havin since discovered the Meaning of Life and the Purpose of our Existence, MY question is....still.

"So,....WHUT IN THE FUCK ARE GRITS ANYWAY????"

the cap't.....

P.S I'm sure there are plenty of ya'll who, besides my dabblings in Theoretical Physics, Philosophy, Chaos Theory, etc, etc, are also familiar with my distinguished work in th Culinary Field these past many years, who are puzzled by my ignorance here, huh? Go figure. It's hard to explain and I got no answer.

Subject: Fortune 500, Here We Come
Date: Wednesday, December 20, 2006 8:13 PM

OK, dudes and dude-ettes, hang onto yer hats, cuz th capm's got another capitol idea. This one is gonna put us on E-Zee Street.... fer Life!

As usual, I'm willin to share in my good fortune with those who have th insight to take th ride with me. Keep in mind tho, that this caper is gonna be startin in th basement, cuz we're not even at th ground floor yet, cuz I figure we're gonna need as much as 60 mil to design th equipment and build th factory to get this one off th ground.

We're gonna be operatin on th, "Build it and they will come", business principle.
OK, so here's my idea, and don't tell anybody, And don't scoff. And don't jeer, OK?! At least til ya've heard me out. I'm proposin we put mustard in a tube. But hang on, not jus mustard, but any damn thing that currently goes into a jar or plastic container. Could be jam, jelly, peanut butter, ketchup, any thing!

I first got onto this idea when I read recently that all those plastic squeeze bottles they put stuff in cuz peoples are too damn lazy to stick a knife in a jar and spread it around; about 7 to 10 percent of th Product is lost, cuz ya simply can't squeeze it all out. We're all aware of this of course, but are willin to forfeit that amount jus fer th convenience of it.

And I thought, hmmmm, but if ya put it in a tube, like a toothpaste tube fr'instance,, you could squeeze out almost every single bit of it. No waste at all. And....every bit as convenient too, eh.

Think of all th products that go in glass jars or plastic squeeze bottles and prolly most of em could go in a tube instead.

Supposin yer out campin, and yer waaay out in th wilderness and yer fryin up a hot dog on th grill; what do ya do fer condiments? When I first mentioned this example, this buddy of mine yucked it up and said, "Yeah right, cap't, like, you go camping all th time huh?"

OK, OK, so I'm not a camper, but never mind him, th answer to th question is simple, ya reach in yer camo-jacket and pull out yer small tube of German hot mustard, if ya like that, and squeeze a bit out on yer bun. This way ya don't have little mustard packets to dispose of out there in th environment. See what I mean!
Some other not very forward thinkin person asked me recently,

"But cap'm, it'll never work cuz how you gonna get that stuff in a tube to begin with?"

Ha ha Well sheeit, I didn't wanna give too much away at th time, y'know, Loose Lips Sink Ships, and that sorta thing, so I jus told im we'd hire some illegal aliens to stuff it all in there by hand. He jus shook his head derisively and pronounced,

"It'll never work!"

Well fuck, no shit Sherlock, I guess that wouldn't eh!! haha Of course not!! But hey, how do they get tooth paste in a tube? If ya can put toothpaste in a tube, why couldn't ya put peanut butter in a tube? Or jus about any damn thing else?
So, here's what we could do: we could put one of our peoples under cover in th Colgate toothpaste factory. Have im photograph their tooth paste stuffing machines, duplicate em, then build our own stuffing factory and wait fer th guys at Kraft and Archer-Daniels to come knockin on our doors wantin us to stuff half their products into tubes instead of glass jars and plastic bottles.

And after that, our biggest challenge would be; how in th fuck-all we gonna spend all that money?

OK, are ya with me on on this one boyz and gurlz? Who else wants to get obscenely wealthy with th cap't?

Jus remember one thing tho, as long as I'm th cap't, I run th boat!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: In th Spirit of, "I Told Ya So!"
Date: Wednesday, December 20, 2006 7:00 PM

This fuckin Herm Edwards and his whole Neo-Conservative Football Philosophy!!

Sheeit, this guy came in here and dismantled one of th premier Offenses in all of football with his Dumb-Ass Defense Oriented game plans. He doesn't know how to score a touchdown, he'd rather settle for two field goals instead.

And his mindless decision to bring back Trent Green, a guy who had missed 8 games because of a concussion, to replace Damon Huard, who had been doin all you could expect of him, was a classic example of his tunnel vision, of his inflexibility, of his stubborness and unwillingness to adapt. The Chiefs evidently learned nothing from their equally stupid decision years ago to replace Rich Gannon with that fuckin Elvis Grbac. Once again, history repeats itself.
And Herm is proud of it too. Listen to him somtime. He sez,

"I have a Philosophy of how this game should be played, and I'm th Head Coach, and I'm gonna do exactly what I think is best, even tho we can barely win a game , or even score a touchdown, and I won't give in to pressure or change it for anybody. That's Herm Edwards. That's who I am!!"

as he sticks out his chin and defies anyone to disagree with him. He believes he's a man of Principle and he believes it's a mark of Honor that he won't compromise one tiny bit, whereas I see it as th Arrogant mark of an Ignorant Narcissist.

I'm predicting that Chief's fans will quickly tire of his brand of boring, losing football, and get rid of his ass after next year. At least we can sacrifice a few bulls and goats towards that end and keep our fingers crossed too for good measure.

I don't think it's too early to start some grass-root level efforts to get th Herm Edwards Express rollin right on outta town Like, maybe some street demonstrations, throwin some rocks and bottles and burning him in effigy kinda thing.

This was what I wrote about your KC Chiefs back in Sept. 8th, jus prior to th first game of th season with th Bengals.

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Cap't Hoohah, Sports Guru And Sage, Speaks Out

OK, Kansas City Chiefs fans, I have some bad news for ya. It's about th upcoming game with th Cincinnati Bengals. This game is a harbinger of things to come. It's gonna be a Bad Day at Black Rock; take my word on it. If ya got any chickens, goats, bulls, whatever...to sacrifice to th gods, I suggest you get on with it, cuz yer gonna need all th help ya can get.

Y'know, peoples come up to me alla time and ask me,

"Yo, cap'm, how do ya do it? How do ya always seem to know th outcome of these games in advance? Whut's yer secret, dawg?"

Aw'right, looky here. I studies th game film, I look at th match-ups, I peruse th stats fer clues, I compare th strengths and weaknesses of th teams involved.
I do all that stuff. But here's my secret. This is whut separates me from th rest of th pack and th only reason I reveal it here is cus so very few peoples have this kinda talent any more.

My secret is;

I OBSERVE AND DECIPHER CAT ENTRAILS!

Thas right boyz and gurlz, cat guts, if you will. This ancient form of Divination has largely been lost thru th ages. There are only a handful of practioners left here in th Third Millennium, including yers truly. You would be surprised at whut one can see, if ya know whut to look fer, and how to interpret it.

This is whut my neighbor's cat told me,

Cincinnati Bengals---35
KC Chiefs.-------------20

Oh, by th way, based on my most recent observations, I also have some reely bad news for you young peoples out there, who might be wondering, like, whut's in store for us? Whut does th Future hold out fer our generation?

But I'm not gonna get specific here, OK, cus th fact of th matter is,
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

But, lemme jus say this kids, It Ain't Gonna Be Pretty; this Dance yer goin to. I don't envy ya one bit. OK, boyz and gurlz, thas it fer now; ya'll have a nice weekend, y'heah. And remember; every Silver Lining has a Thunderstorm lurking in it, possibly with tornados!

************************

OK, so then I followed that up with this on Sept. 18th, after th Denver
game (#2)

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Chiefs Lose 9-6; th Cap'm muses.

OK, I think we can all agree th Chiefs have improved on Defense. They are obviously better there than they were last year. But at th price of what? Th end result result is still lost football games.

Their Offense is as laughable now as their Defense previously was. SIXTEEN points in two games!? Sheeit. That used to be their score in th first quarter, fr'chrissake!! Now they've scored one touchdown and kicked three field goals in TWO games. Absolutamenta pathetico!

Th difference here tho is; th Excitement Factor! Fuck Herm Edwards and his whole conservative style of football. Gimme Dick Vermiel any day. Ya used to watch a game and sit on th edge of your seat and wonder if th Chiefs high powered Offense could rack up more points than their non-existent Defense would give up? That made for some exciting football. Now ya sit there and yawn and wonder if they'll be able to score a touchdown during th game before ya fall asleep. Two words best describe Chiefs play today,

BOR RING! BOR RING! BOR RING!

OK, scuse me, thas six words.

I think from now on I'll jus tune in th news later on at nite to find out who won, rather than go thru th whole excruciating experience of actually watching th game. By th way, that laughter and chuckling ya hear in th far off distance are th sounds of th football fans in th Big Apple. And that wind: nothing more than th collective sighs of relief from same.

signed,

Wake me when it's over in KC?

th cap'm

P.S. I warned ya a couple of weeks ago boyz and gurlz that this was gonna be a lonnngg season.

*******************

I rest my case! (btw, I hate that phrase, but decided to use it anyway. hey, I'm flexible)

th cap'm

Subject: Poppouri
Date: Monday, December 18, 2006 12:45 AM

Gee, I've had several peoples who wrote me askin who is this Tori Speling I wrote about? Whas up with that? I mean, I hardly even watch th TeeVee and I've heard of th dumb little cluck before myself. Her father is Aron Speling, a big shot TV director. Ya musta heard of him before, eh? C'mon peoples; wake up! If you peoples aren't watchin yer TV's, then jus what in th hail are ya doin with yer spare time anyways? Playin marbles or somthin!?

And by th way, that is th correct spelling of "Speling," jus in case you were gettin ready to try and make a case against me.

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OK, I saw this amusin bumper sticker earlier today.

"Wear short sleeves!
Support the Right to Bare Arms!"

I thought that was kinda funny.

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And then this, which is not so funny, to me anyway. I heard on sports radio yesterday where in a college basketball game, th final score was 201 to 78!!
Yeah, thas not a mis-print, it was two-hundred-and-one to seventy-eight! What kinda fucking coach allows his team to run up a score like that on anybody? I was rantin and bitchin bout this to some peoples last nite and several of them thought it was perfectly fine to do that. They said th idea was to play yer best and if that meant out scoring yer opponents by 123 points, then so be it!

I don't buy that rationale fer one second myself. To my way of thinkin; that ain't cool at all. There's such a thing as playin with a bit of Class, givin yer opponent a certain amount of Respect, and that was completely lacking in both regards. If that asshole was th coach of my college basketball team, he wouldn't be comin in to work Monday morning; as in,

"Congratulations there Coach. You got yer name and, oh yeah, our school too, on th national news with yer record score. Now take a hike, you fucking piece of shit!"

But, thas jus me. Isn't it ironic that they have discovered that many of th anti-depressant drugs th big pharmaceutical companies are *pushin, can actually make some peoples suicidal!! Ha ha How do ya market a product like that?

"Feeling down in the dumps? Don't feel like getting out of bed sometimes. In other words, are you depressed? If so, you need to try our new, improved anti-depressant medication. If it doesn't drive you to kill yourself, you'll feel much better."

*oops I didn't mean “pushin',” cus thas what dope slingers do. I meant marketing.

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Y'know, I hate to be th kind of person to say, "I told you so." But those of you who know me know thas exactly th kind of person I am! I can't help myself, but anyway, I'm referrin here to your KC Chiefs! And ya notice I said "Your" rather than "Our". Perhaps ya recall my rule on this; when they win, they're "Our" Chiefs. When they lose, they're "Your" Chiefs. Ergo. YOUR fookin Chiefs!! Maybe you further recall at th beginnin of th season, Cap't Hoohah, sports guru at large, predicted,

Worst case scenario: 7 and 9
Most probable scenario: 8 and 8
Best scenario: 9 and 7

If ya get yer calculator out, you'll see that no matter what happens in th last two games, Im still gonna be right on! Awesome, eh. Un-fucking-canny how I do it, isn't it!

th cap'm

Subject: Just Cuz We're In Cowtown, Don't Mean We're Outta Th Loop
Date: Sunday, December 17, 2006 10:28 AM

Speaking of excitement boyz and gurlz, hang on to yer hats!!, Just last week I saw on th ten o'clock news on channel 41 where Tori Spelling had a garage sale at her Hollywood mansion. Wow! Can ya imagine that boyz and gurls!! Kinda takes yer breath away, doesn't it?

It's so interesting and refreshing for channel 41 to be take th time out of their busy news schezhule to let us know about these kinda things, don'cha think! After 20 minutes of th usual murder and mayhem which comprises th "news" these days, why not spend one minute on something uplifting like this? Just a little relief from th grinding, depressing events swirling around us constantly.

I mean, this daughter of an entertainment mogul had a garage sale in Hollywood, no less; I mean thas all th way out in California, and yet, we still know about it out here in th plains, out here in th wilderness, thanks to th peoples at 41 News.

Who needs Access Hollywood or Inside Edition fr'chrissake, when we got folks right here in Cowtown getting this kind of vital info to us!

And check this out; one lucky bargain hunter there managed to purchase a Starbucks coffee mug that Tori herself had actually used, that still had her lipstick imprint on it, and they “stole” it fer a mere 250 bucks! Sheeit!

How would ya like to have somethin like that to put on Your mantle and wow yer guests with? Watch th Envy spread across their faces as ya allow em to handle it. I mean, think about it! A coffee mug that Tori Speling had actually drank out of! And it still had her lipstick on it. And it was only 250 simoleans!!

Whew Boggles th mind, eh?!

th cap'm

Subject: Mindless Stupidity Is Alive And Well in the USA
Date: Friday, December 15, 2006 5:10 AM

From th Kansas City Star, Wednesday, Dec. 13th. 2006. Remember this day well boyz and gurlz.

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"Salutations", the first word in the fifth chapter of E.B. White's Charlottes Web will fill the halls at two Kansas City schools at precisely the same time today.
Students and teachers at Scuola Vita Nuova charter and West Englewood elementary schools will join about 500,000 others in 24 countries and 50 states at 11 am in a simultaneous reading of a passage from the popular children's book.

The event sponsored by Walden Media, a co-producer along with Paramount Pictures of the upcoming Charlotte's Web movie, is part of a worldwide effort to break the Guinness Book of World Records, "for the mostpeople reading aloud simultaneously in multiple locations.

The current record is held by155,528 students from 737 schools throughout United Kingdom. It was set in 2004."

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Is this fucking exciting!! Or what!!

OK, here's what I propose to do. I want to set a World's Record too, and I'm gonna need some volunteers. I would like to find at least ten peoples who would be willing to don a clown costume, doing jumping-jacks, while holding a frog in each hand and singing, "Michael Rowed the Boat Ashore" for ten minutes.

Of course you must supply yer own costume and frogs and know th words to th song. And naturally you must be in prime physical condition to be able to perform for ten minutes. So, regardless of yer eagerness to participate, no couch potatoes need apply.

Obviously, I won't be able to join in my self, cuz this kinda strenuous activity is a bit more than I can handle, but I will be there supporting you and encouraging you along. I already got a famous clown from Houston on th team, who goes by th moniker, "Popcorn", who will be able to give "clown clues" to those of you who may be clown clueless.

Think of th Glory tho and Satisfaction to be part of something like this, something bigger than yourself. To be immortalised in th Guinness Book of World Records! Imagine th looks of admiration and pride on yer grandchildren's faces as you tell em once again about that day. That special day that will stay with you fer th rest of yer life, jus like th children who will always remember, Dec. 13th, 2006. th day they read a passage from Charlotte's Web.

Oh sure, some naysayers will say shit like,

"But, why in th FUCK-ALL would ya even bother to participate in something as ridiculously banal and meaningless as this? And who makes up these absurd categories anyway?"

There'll always be th gloomy-heads who won't be able to appreciate th Worth of a project like this, as I imagine there are those who find this "simultaneous reading record" as just bein mind-numbingly Stoopid too. Ya know th type I'm sure! Pay em no heed. And jus forget it's bein sponsored by th peoples who are gonna bring us th movie shortly, Don't be cynical, OK, just remember,
It's all about th children!!!

th cap'm

P.S. I'm kinda curious why they started their reading on th fifth chapter, instead of th first? Who decides things like this in a project of this magnitude? Is th word, "Salutations" gonna be featured in th trailer fer th movie or somthin?

Subject: TWISTED LOGIC - POOR MUSLIMS. THEY GET INSULTED - WE GET BEHEADED
Date: Tuesday, December 12, 2006 5:29 PM

A buddy sent this to me. It's pretty anti-Muslim which I don't like bein, but sometimes it's hard to try and maintain a neutrality where these folks are concerned. Th recent 'plight', and I use th word loosely, concerning th Imans at th Airport is an example.

*********************

The Pope says that jihad violence is against God's nature, and officials fear that in response, Muslims enraged by this insult will commit...jihad violence.

Muslims murder 3,000 innocents in New York and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 202 tourists in Bali and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 333 schoolchildren and their teachers in Beslan and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 292 innocents, mainly Kenyans and Tanzanians at two US embassies and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 241 US and 58 French peacekeepers in Beirut and expect no criticism.

Muslims fire 4,000 Katyusha rockets into Northern Israel killing over 50 innocent civilians and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 52 in London and 191 in Madrid and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 200 in Mumai and expect no criticism.

Muslims behead Western hostages in Iraq, Buddhist monks in Thailand and Christian schoolgirls in Indonesia and expect no criticism.

Muslims murder 500,000 in Darfur and expect no criticism.

Muslims regard Jews as “sons of pigs and monkeys,” and vow to nuke Israel
and expect no criticism.

Muslims force women to wear hideous sacks, stone to death women for getting raped and for leaving the home unescorted, engage in honor killings of sisters and daughters for unapproved dating, and expect no criticism.

Muslims danced in the streets and handed out sweets to their kids to celebrate the 9/11 atrocity, and still expected no criticism.

Since 9/11 Muslims have killed over 26,000 and wounded over 50,000 in terrorist attacks worldwide since 9/11 and expect no criticism.

Since 9/11 Muslims have committed terrorist attacks in Afghanistan, Algeria, Bangladesh, Belgium, Chad, Chechnya, Dagestan, Denmark, East Timor, Egypt, England, Eritrea, Ethiopia, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Ingushetia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Jordan-Iraq, Kabardino-Balkans, Kenya, Kosovo, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Lebanon, Mauritania, Morocco, Netherlands, Nigeria, Pakistan, Gaza-Palestinian Authority, Philippines, Qatar, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Somalia, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Syria, Tajikistan, Thailand, Tunisia, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, United Arab Republic, United States, Uzbekistan and Yemen, and still expect no criticism.

Muslims have carried out over 5,800 fatal terrorist atrocities since 9/11, and countless thousands since Islamic conquest began in 623 AD and expect no criticism.

But if a Pope dares to tell the truth about Islam or Danes publish cartoons about Mohammed, then let the outpourings of Islamic hate and outrage begin.
And by some twisted reach of logic, the arrogant bastards demand the Pope issue an apology.

*********************

As I said, sometimes th Sympathy doesn't come easy. It's becoming increasingly harder for me to try and not give in to feelings of Anger and Resentment and Outrage at this religion. Apologists say, they're not all like that. Yeah, well...I don't recall ever seeing a street demonstration by these, what seems to me to be non-existent, peaceful factions, against th latest atrocity their fellow Muslim brothers have committed.

th cap'm

Subject: Loons Walk Among Us
Date: Tuesday, December 12, 2006 4:40 PM

Last nite I was sittin in Ott's down there in yer Country Club Plazah District. That is where I do my late nite drinkin after Mike's closes, so I was drunk and stoned as usual per that time of th mornin, and got into a conversation with a guy there. I don't remember what we were rappin about, but he seemed like a reasonably intelligent person. At least fer a bit anyway.

Until.........

Until.... he mentioned that FDR had deliberately allowed th Japanese to attack Pearl Harbor with impunity!! Gave em th “go ahead.”

"Oh Pshaw!!" I said. Or "Bullshit.” One of those things, or somthin to that effect. Y'know, like, whatever you reply when some one sez something so jaw-droppingly Stupid

I mean, this is on a scale of IDIOCY as someone tellin ya that th Holocaust didn't happened, or that we never actually went to th moon, or that Georgie Porgie was behind 9/11. And that last one is especially grating, cuz Everyone knows that that Evil Bastard Dictator, Saddam Hussein was behind that, and by th way, jus so ya know, th World is a safer place today without him!!! Ya've all noticed that, haven't ya?

Like, since we got rid of Saddam, Peace and Harmony reign once more in th world! Right!? Now that th Democracy lovin peoples of Iraq have Freedoms now, all th other surrounding Muslim countries are clamorin fer some Freedom too. Well, Im sure I don't hav'ta tell you that. It's sooo fookin obvious!! Ya can see it on th TV and th front page every day. Hordes of Muslims in th streets clamoring, chanting….

"We wants some fucking Freedoms too! How come th Iraqis get it all? Democracy fer ALL Muslims!"

Well, anyway, once this dude said that about FDR I realised I was rappin with a full blown Loon, First Class. You can no longer have an intelligent conversation with some one that fookin nuts!!! How can you take any thing any one says seriously, after a statement like that?

Not only tho, did he believe that; but he was amazed and surprised that I wasn't aware of that fact too. He said, everyone knew that. That it was common knowledge. He acted like I was some kind of ignorant hayseed not to know that.
Hmmm. But, I didn't know that. In all my readings on th Second World War, I have never read any where that FDR had actually permitted th Japanese to attack us at Pearl Harbor, so as to drag us into th war.

Boy jus wait til historians find out about that. They're sure gonna change their opinions about him, eh! He will prolly no longer be considered one of our very best Presidents, I'll bet!!

So, I kinda challenged this guy to back up this ridiculous assertion with some facts. He said th info was all over th place if I would take th time to look. He said it was on th Net!!!! Whooo boy, whenever any one starts tellin me that they read somethin on th Net, as tho, that precludes any arguments, they've lost me right there!!!!

And ya know whut is kinda funny bout all this is; that I'm a guy who'll listen to a conspiracy theory. Reely! I may not embrace it, but I'll listen and give it some credence as bein possible. I won't automatically disregard it outta hand. Well...... except fer somthing as totally fuckin absurd as this!!!

Like, fr'instance, I've read prolly 10 different conspiracy theories regarding th assassination of JFK. All of em make a bit of sense. There's always enuff strange and unexplained things to make ya wonder?

I mean, something happened there which, for who knows what reasons, our government refuses to tell us about. Why is anything connected to this event which occurred 43 years ago still classified? Why are we not allowed to know everything that is known about that tragic, historical day? Was th CIA involved? Lyndon Johnson? Rogue elements in th Government? Anti-Castro Cubans? Th Mob. Santo Trafficante? Carlos Marcello? Fidel Castro or pro-Castro Cubans? Sheeit! Who knows? Cus they won't give us access to all th info. Some of it is still classified? To this day!!!

Why? I dunno. But it sounds like some kinda Conspiracy to me boyz and gurlz!!!!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, did'ja know that Geo. Washington was actually a spy fer th Brits, until they had a falling out over his wages. They insisted he accept those dumb pounds sterling and pences and farthings and stuff like thet, but he wanted good ol US greenbacks! It's true. There's a website....

Subject: "Mission Accomplished" (have ya heard that one before?)
Date: Friday, December 8, 2006 3:06 PM

Well yesterday I brought Operation Shiny Nickel; th mission to clean up my crib for my weekend guests, to a successful conclusion.

Around three o'clock, in th final phase of th operation, I came back from th laundry having washed all th sheets, covers, pillows, etc. in th guest bedroom, adding numerous sheets of "Bounce" to th dryers, so as to give everything an extra hint of springtime freshness. I'm tellin ya, it was so fookin "springy" in there I thought heard birds chirping and th high pitched squeals of joy of children at play, but then I looked out th window and saw old patches of snow still on th driveway. Back to th real world! Thas one of th good things bout those flights of fancy that come over one every now and then; one usually returns to reality. At least, so far. Ha ha

So, anyway, I took a quick inspection of th premises; everything looked pretty good. I went and laid on my sofa and savored my accomplishments with a feeling of smug satisfaction.

About 15 minutes later, my reverie was cut short by th phone ringing. It was my son. He was callin to say, he and his gurl were gonna be stayin th Hyatt for th weekend. I sputtered tryin to hide my disappointment and said,

"Well, y'know, I DID clean up th place and ya rilly don't have to stay at th Hyatt, cuz everything's cool here!"

But he explained that, cus he worked at th Hyatt in St.Louie, he got a rilly good deal for th weekend, And even tho I was wonderin why any one would rather stay at th Hyatt Regency that my crib, I said,

"Well, yeah, sure! I can dig that."

while I'm rememberin almost settin th joint on fire, and th moppin and boilin, and sweepin and everything else, tryin to make th place presentable. Sheeit! All that hard work fer nothin! Damn! And lemme tell ya boyz and gurlz, cleanin house is hard work! Well anyway, I went back to th sofa and I laid there, havin fantasies of somebody comin to visit, and I usher em in and they say,

"Wow, Cap'm, yer place, tho it may be cluttered, yeah, but still..... it's jus so darned CLEAN, y'know whut I mean!"

And I grin smugly at em and say,

"Yeah I know, it is, isn't it!" as I sweep my arms around to encompass it all.

"Here, if ya wanta, ya can sit in this chair right here, cuz, like there aren't any dirty clothes draped al over it, and there aren't papers and bills and crap all over th arm rests, or, if ya prefer, ya can sit here on my nice clean sofa with me. And by th way, if ya wanta a beer, yer allowed to enter th kitchen to get it yerself. It's no longer a “restricted zone” or if ya should feel th need to pass water, so ta speak, th bathroom is also available.Ya don't have'ta go off th porch no more. Ha ha"

And so I take some small satisfaction, even tho it's only in my Fantasy Life, that some one appreciated my hard work and effort. Sigh.

*N.B. Yea verily, tho it may still be disordered and somewhat cluttered, keep in mind, it is a CLEAN Chaos!
th cap'm

*(Latin for 'nota bene' meaning, "Note this well")

Subject: 'Operation Shiny Nickel' Goes Awry
Date: Tuesday, December 5, 2006 5:51 PM

A couple of weeks ago my son, who lives in St. Louie, told me that he and his gurlfriend would be coming to town on Dec. 8. Since they will prolly be staying with me, I realised I needed to clean th crib up a bit. While th condition of th place is not rilly a problem fer me, other peoples might find it, well, like, disgusting, y'know whut I mean.

So every day since he called, I kept thinkin that I prolly oughta get started on this clean up, cuz, th magnitude of th task is formidable. More that you can prolly imagine. It's a pretty daunting challenge. Th last time things had deteriorated to this stale, I paid this gurl a hundred bucks jus to clean th kitchen, but this time thas jus part of th problem, like, there's th rest of th house to take care of.

So, today, I got to thinkin, hmmm, since I'm not th kinda guy to put things off, mebbe I oughta go ahead and get started, cuz like, Friday's not that far away, eh? I set a modest goal for th day; I would jus do th stove and mebbe wash a few pots and pans. Of course, before I could wash any pots or pans I had to clean th sinks first. Whew!! Not a job for th weak of heart, or weak of stomach either! And even then, I couldn't jus put em in th sink and wash em in a conventional way cuz they were all in pretty bad condition. Some of em I classified as NS (not salvageable) and jus threw em away. That was th third crock-pot I've thrown away in th past year.

First off, I took some pots that had some stuff in em: this "stuff" had been there for quite some time and had gotten rather hard, so I filled em with soapy water and and put em on th four burners on th stove to soften em up a bit. Then I retired to th living room to take a break and to let th boiling, sudsy water do it's thing.

OK, I got good news and bad news. Th good news is; th smoke alarm works!

Th bad news is; th place is a fuckin mess! Today CL = ML” came into play.

Aw'right, to translate this, let C stand for th Cap't. Let L stand for Law, and Let M stand for Murphy. See? Thus, CL = ML”. A formula fer Disaster!!

I was lying there on th sofa, readin a book, and I kinda smelled, like somthin burnin, but since I had four pots on th stove, I didn't worry bout it. Figured it had somthin to do with that. A few minutes later this little black flake drifted into view right in front of my eyes. At first I thought it was one of those gnat-like things that have been roomin with me for a while, so again I didn't pay any attention to it. Then th smoke alarm went off and I thought,

"Hmm, why is my smoke alarm goin off? What's this all about?"

and I looked in th direction of th kitchen and smoke was billowing out and it was rainin ashes!! Sheeit! I rushed in th kitchen and these two big rolls of paper towels I had left standin upright on th stove had caught on fire. Th overhead fan was blowin th smoke and ashes everywhere.

They both had flames coming off of em fer a couple of feet. I was afraid they were gonna catch th grease on th stove on fire any second, so I threw one of em on th floor and tried to stomp it out and every time I stepped on it a cloud of ashes came up. And then, th top of th stove did catch on fire, cus th other roll ignited th grease there. I threw it on th floor and it was burnin and th stove was on fire too.

But I didn't panic. Deja Vu!! I flashed back to th last time I was in almost this same situation and so knew exactly what to do. I found th th big bag of flour I keep handy for exactly this reason, and flung th contents all over th stove top smotherin th flames. And also over th paper towel burnin on th floor. Whew!!

Man, it's amazing how much ash a couple rolls of kitchen towels can generate. Ya wouldn't believe it!! There were ashes floatin down all over th place. I mean, it was like a black snowfall. I looked at th disaster that was my kitchen. Phase One of th Clean Up had gone rather badly. Sheeit, I had ashes and flour al over th place.

I was behind now. Damn! I had created more Mess than I had started off with originally. I couldn't deal with it. I shook my head and said ten thousand curses and went back to th sofa to do some Serenity Meditation Exercises, but before I could get Serene, I saw some more smoke comin out of th kitchen again.

Th damned burnt hulk of one of th rolls had re-ignited, so this time I threw a pot of water on it. Now, I reely had a Mess. Water, ashes and flour all over th floor.

Why does this kinda shit keep on happenin to me? Sometimes I wonder whether Dick Nixon reely is responsible fer all th calamities in my life after all? Some times I think there may be other Forces in th Universe, besides him, who are conspiring against me. Do you think this Conspiracy could be that big, boyz and gurlz? Wouldn't ya think these Beings would have better things to do than to amuse themselves by messin with some puny Earthling in this Minor Galaxy? I wanna say to em,

"C'mon dudes, back off!! Get a Life, huh!"

Sheeit! And now, th whole steenking house reeks of "Somethin burnt", y'know that smell. And when I walk, eddies of ashes roil up behind me, only to settle down, until th next time I walk thru. Man, this is discouraging. I feel like jus leavin everything, "As is!" and lettin my guests deal with it. Y'know, like,

"Oh that? Yeah, hehe, Had a little accident Tuesday. No big deal. Here's a face mask for both of you, cuz if you walk around too much, you'll stir th ashes up. And be careful of th flour, otherwise you'll track it all thru th house. Yeah, and sorry bout that bathroom sink and commode. Yeah, I'm gonna clean em up one of these days, y'know, like, when I have th time and all. So, kids, jus make yerselves at home, eh!"

I dunno tho, mebbe I'll give it another shot tomorrow. If I have time, that is, cuz, like, there's still Thursday left.

th cap'm

Subject: Speaking of Haikus
Date: Friday, December 1, 2006 3:02 PM

My buddy David P, outta Connecticut, sent this to me.

"The weasel, stalking
Nose to the ground, never hears
Footsteps of the hawk"

Pretty heavy, huh! There's a lesson to be learned there boyz and gurlz.

th cap'm

Subject: An Old Dawg Learns A New Trick
Date: Thursday, November 30, 2006 5:09 PM

Mr Winter rears his ugly head, eh. I know, some peoples think all this snow crap is beautiful; I say it's ugly. They see a white pristine scene; I see dirty brown slush tomorrow. Those same peoples say th glass is half full; I say it's empty.

Well anyway, I was slippin and slidin about this afternoon and th heater wasn't workin properly and I couldn't get th heat to come outta th dashboard vents. So when I got back to th crib, I brought th owners manual into th crib to see if I might get a clue there, y'know, cuz, like, peoples are always sayin to me,

"Cap't, you ain't gotta fuckin clue, do ya?"

And I say back to em,

"Yo dude, why ya always gotta use that kinda crude language?"

Well anyway, I figured, mebbe there might be a clue in there. So I reclined myself in a comfortable position on th sofa, and proceeded to perusin th Climate Control System section in a clue quest, Nada! But then, wait! At th end, it concluded with this sentence.

"Your heater works best when the windows are closed while you're using
it."

"Whoo boy" I thought, as I slapped my palm across my forehead, "that sounds like some kinda fookin clue to me! Nobody ever hipped me to that before!"
And so then, I got to ponderin and meditatin on that and I came up with this thought.

"Hmmm, mebbe that same logic applies to other stuff as well. Mebbe I can use that insight in other areas of my life."

And I started thinkin of "connections" y'know, and similarities, and, suddenly, I got this reely clever idea, see, and I acted on it immediately, while it was still fresh,

I GOT UP AND CLOSED TH FRONT DOOR!!

And ya know what? Within an hour I was able to remove my overcoat and gloves.

Now, I'm wonderin if this might have some kinda trickle-down effect on my outrageous gas bills? Might there be a connection there too???

th cap'm

P.S. So ya see boyz and gurlz, jus like I did, some times we can learn important lessons in life from seemingly mundane and banal sources, like yer car's owner's manual, fr'instance. Ya jus gotta keep an open mind, ya dig.

Subject: Th Art Of The Haiku
Date: Thursday, November 30, 2006 5:59 AM

any moron can write haiku, just stop at the seventeenth syllab

th cap'm

Subject: RE: That Missing Chunk O' Meat
Date: Thursday, November 30, 2006 4:51 AM

Y'know, usually when I lose somethin; standard operating procedure is to notify St. Anthony and ask for his immediate assistance. And usually, I then find th missing object in a relatively short period of time. Th dude is Good, I'm tellin ya!

But in this case, I'm a bit reluctant to call on him for help. I mean, askin his help to find yer keys, or glasses, or wallet, or something like that is one thing, but to ask for help findin a piece of meat? I dunno, whadda'ya think? Do ya think he might find that a petty, frivolous request, not only Not to be taken seriously, but perhaps annoyin him in th process. I mean, I know he's a saint and all, but sheeit, even saints can get cranky and irritable and have bad days y'know. And th last thing I wanna do is get on his bad side, y'know, cuz, like, I require his help plenty more times than yer average loon, so I wanna maintain friendly relations and I sure as hell don't wanna alienate him. Ya dig! I guess this is one time I'm completely on my own.

Sigh!

A buddy of mine suggested that mebbe that errant bit of beef will turn up in my laundry. Oh Pshaw! Then, I've had several peoples postulate a RAT might be involved somehow; that perhaps while I was on th phone and distracted, some nasty member of th rodent family might have made away with my snack and dragged it back to his lair.

But, no, no, I reject this outta hand, cuz unlike most places I've ever lived, this place is, "Rodent Free". I mean, like, "Totally". In six years, I've never seen a single solitary mouse here! Hard to believe you say!! I know, I know! Specially if ya saw my kitchen, cus my crib would be like Paradise for those of their ilk.

So, I don't know why I've never had any of those pests here, but.... there it is!

And also durin these past six years, I only saw one member of La Cucuracha Community a couple of years ago, and fortunately, I was able to squash th bejesus outta him before he was able to alert others of his posse. Shudder. Ooooh man, that was a close call.

One of th major worries of my life is that one day one of their scouts will find out where I'm livin, and then it will jus be a matter of time before I'm invaded again by their barbarous hordes. I've been unwillingly co-habitatin with those bastards almost all of my adult life. See, like, since I left home in 1959 at age 17, out of 52 different places I've lived since then, all but three or four of em were rat/mouse/cockroach/silverfish, etc. infested kinda places where ya wouldn't live by choice. But oft times boyz and gurlz, Dame Fortuna takes matters outta our hands, y'know what I mean.

Well anyway, obviously I rant. But sheeit, there is still a piece of medium rare prime rib out there thas got my name on it and I want it back goddamit!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Ah, Th Young and th Dumb
Date: Wednesday, November 29, 2006 5:53 PM

Sometimes th antics of our young peoples can be truly entertaining. Like last nite, fr'instance, I caught a young dude's rite of passage of turning 21. This happens all th time, but because th bar wasn't crowded, I was able to witness th whole show, basically from beginning to end.

Turnin 21 now, he was doin th ritual of downing 21 shots, one for each year y'see. He was throwin each shot down slammin th glass on th bar with great fanfare, complete with lotsa hootin and hollerin and carryin on.

Well, y'know how excitable th young ones can get with their enthusiasms. Watch a college football game sometime fer example. Y'would think that what was happenin there was actually important and meaningful in some kinda way. Ha ha

So anyway, I watched this young dude beginning to stagger and lurch about as he got progressively drunker. As a matter of fact he staggered and lurched into me several times, tryin to negotiate his way about. Each time he gave me that drunken, uncomprehending look of peoples in his condition, and you could see he was wonderin,

"What th fuck is goin on??? And why is this old geezer keep gettin in my way?"

while his buddies are apologizin for him and tryin to help him maintain his perpendicularity. I finally had to change my seating arrangements so as to not keep gettin in his way, and cuz my patience was wearin thin and I was startin to get a bit annoyed every time he fell into me.

By th time he'd done, like, oh I dunno, maybe his 17th shot, he was totally fucked up. I sat there bemusedly watchin th whole spectcle unfold, while some friends of mine sittin at th bar, kept goading him on to make it to 21 shots and were even buyin his drinks.

Each time they suggested a new and different exotic drink for him to try. They had him drinkin, "piledrivers", "boston crabs", "blue magoos", y'know, all kinds of weird drinks. As he threw down drink after drink he would he would shake his head, tryin to clear th cobwebs out. "Whoooo man!!!"

Now, after a bit, I kinda thought my friends were bein jus a bit irresponsible, cus th punk kid was gettiin more and more wasted after each shot. But then one of em came over to my table, laughin and chucklin, and confided in me that they had been feedin him cranberry juice and water, and other non-alcoholic combinations fer his last ten drinks or so, makin up silly names for each new drink, completely unbeknownst to him. Ha ha

So I got a chuckle outta that myself, cuz I had thought they had been gettin th poor kid dangerously fucked up.

Well, he was apparently gettin more fucked up with each shot, but it wasn't as a result of booze; nah, it was all jus in his own head. Th power of suggestion, eh. Ha ha.

After a while his buddies half carried him out, and after th whole crew left, we all laughed, conjecturing on th "turnin 21 story" he was gonna be tellin in th future, complete with a spankin on his bare butt by one of th regular lassies.

"Oh man, th nite I turned 21, I not only drank th usual 21 shots, I drank at least ten more after that. I'm not jivin ya, I did. And there were people there who saw me do it too! And then this hot young chick there spanked me 21 times on th ass. No shit bro!"

I'm tellin ya folks, watchin that young fool there makin a total ass of himself, reminded me of a lot of things in my own past I would rather forget, if ya know what I mean. Ha ha

th cap'm

OK, boyz and gurlz, this is a rather strange tale here. And of course, sans any embellishments. This is how it went down.

Last nite I came home and I was a bit tipsy, y'know how I be's around three of th AM, so naturally I decided to have a late nite snack, before my date with Morpheus. I retrieved a to-go box from th fridge which contained two pieces of prime rib from a previous dinner out at Harrah's. One piece was considerably larger than th other, so I selected that one for my repast.

But before I had a chance to commence th warming up operation, suddenly, from th living room, I heard my phone ringing. I thought to myself,

"Hmmm, now, who would that be, callin me at such an unseemly hour?"

Well, it was an old buddy of mine jus callin to say, "Sup". So we rapped fer about fifteen minutes and I told him I had some late nite bidness to take care of, and so took leave of him.

I returned to my kitchen project, but, what th fu.......? The large slab of rib wasn't in th container. Only th smaller one. I scratched my head in consternation. What happened to th one I had chosen? So, I started lookin round th kitchen for it. I didn't put it back in th ice box. (old codgers will know what I mean by th 'ice box') It wasn't on th stove or th counter. I looked in th living room by th phone, thinkin maybe I might have taken it with me when I answered th phone. Nah! I looked in th freezer. I even checked th bathroom. Then, I went outside and checked th glove compartment in my ride, jus so I could truthfully say. "I looked everywhere!".

Th fookin piece of prime rib was gone missing! Poof! Evidently vanished into thin air. No where to be found. I mean, when I say, "I looked every where", well, you can appreciate jus how thorough my search was can't you?

So, sheeit. I went ahead and warmed up th smaller piece and ate it, assuming with th light of a new day, and a fresh attitude perhaps, that I would come across th missing slab today.

If ya were hopin fer a happy ending, it ain't gonna happen, cuz I still don't have a clue where it went to? I have searched again today for it to no avail. I dunno, this is most perplexing. It makes me wonder? Oh sure, we all lose stuff from time to time, right, but have ya ever misplaced a slab of prime rib before? Are there lotsa other peoples out there today, jus like me, searchin their cribs fer missing pieces of meat?

How bout you boyz and gurlz? Has this ever happened to you before?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap't, th Guru, gets Profound in his old age.
Date: Friday, November 24, 2006 3:33 PM

OK, ya'll go and meditate on this for a while."Patience takes time."

th cap'm

Subject: Th Irish
Date: Wednesday, November 22, 2006 8:04 PM

This from my Orish bud Mike G.

******************

At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence...

"Fookin stop doing it then!"

******************

th cap'm

I already heard on th news tonite, even tho it's not Thanksgiving yet, that if early trends continue, this Holiday Season is gonna be a good be a bright and cheery one for Holiday Consumers. That would be you and me.

It seems th biggest celebrants, like Wal-mart and Target, are goin after our bidness with a vengeance this year. Gonna be some pretty merry prices as they slug it out fer our plastic. So, let's all go out there and try and make this th Best Christmas Ever for those Walton kids.

th cap'm

Subject: Rudolph The Red-Assed Reindeer
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:33 PM

Rudolph the Red-assed reindeer
Had a very shiny butt
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

blah, blah blah
Then one froggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your butt so bright
Won't you guide my sleight tonite
blah, blah, blah

***********************

Now forget th froggy Christams Eve part boyz and gurls, when ya stop and think about th rest of it, doesn't this version make more sense to you?

th cap'm

What's with this "high five" jive anyway? I thought, and hoped fifteen years ago this foolishness would fade away like all foolish fads eventually do. But, nooooo, it's still alive and thriving. I mean, peoples come up to you and say,

"Hey, what's up? Gimme five". WHACK!

"How bout those Chiefs?" (or whatever) WHACK!

"Is this a great day, or what?" WHACK!!

"Yo dude, I'm goin fishin this weekend!" "Awesome, dude!" WHACK!

One is supposed to slam one's hand to just about every inane, banal comment made within five feet of ya.

Like, yer sittin. in a bar, relaxin, throwin back a few and yer buddy wants ya to go outside and check out his new ride. SHIT! So you go outside and he has a 2001 Taurus. Ya say, "Cool" and then ya high-five. WHACK! Ya wanna go back inside and take care of that beer, but first, he wants ya to sit in it while he searches fer his Stevie Ray Vaughn CD so that ya can actually experience jus what it's like, to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughn, right there in a 2001 Taurus!

"Hey, gimme' five!" he sez as he leans over and ya do th high five. WHACK!!

"And, check out that glove compartment. Damn near big enough to put a suitcase in!"

WHACK!

"Hey, yeah, it's really cool. Boy, I just never dreamed I'd be actually sitting in a 2001 Taurus." I say. "And it's all yours, huh? WHACK! Man. I'd bet there probably aren't more than 20,000 of these babies right here in KC. and you've got one of em!"

WHACK!.

"Well, whadda ya say we go back inside now, and tend to those beers we got there. I can only deal with so much excitement in one night, you know. Har har."

So you go back inside and recover your now much warmer beer, while yer hand swells up, and someone else wants to show you the most recent pictures of their dog. Or their cat.... or cow...... or fucking gerbil. You know, some fucking thing! Like you've never seen one of these critters before. Kinda like a 01' Taurus, ya' know what I mean?

"Yes, I can definitely see why this would be yer favorite picture. I mean, just look at im there. Sleeping on the sofa like that. No wonder yer bursting with pride. Wait a minute, before you tell me what new trick he learned last week, what do you say we get another beer"

WHACK!

Well, anyway, enuff of this crap. I can't take it any more. Jus a couple of nights ago I was watchin a real gung-ho high fiver at th end of th bar. This dude din't jus put his hand up there fer a perfunctory little slap. I dunno what they were rappin about, but about every five minutes he would draw his hand behind his shoulder, and throw his whole body into it and slam it forward in to his buddy's upraised hand, and it would make a rilly loud CRACK, kinda like a rifle shot. I suspect they both had plenty sore hands th next day. I asked a dude about him and he kinda laughed and said th guy jus had a real outgoin personality.

I said, "No, No, No, thas not an outgoin personality; that goes beyond an outgoing personality, he's jus a FUCKIN ASSHOLE, thas all. There's a difference."

And y'know, peoples who do th high five bit don't take kindly to it either if ya opt out and decline. Like, one nite last week, this drunken young girl was high fivin every person who walked by her. I mean, literally, every person. I dunno, mebbe she was "rollin" and jus felt a connection with all beings that nite, but, whatever! Watchin her, I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided I needed a high five too.

Sure enuff, eventually she came over to my table, realising, I guess, that she had missed me in her crescendo of high fivin and said,

"Hey Pop, whas up?"

and stuck her hand up, waitin....

And I said, "Not much."

And I jus stared at her blankly and didn't reply. I really don't care for it too much when some young punk-ass kid I never saw before in my life comes up to me and calls me "Pop." Ha ha y'know whut I mean. And she stood there, lookin, holdin her hand up expectantly, still waitin.... and finally she said,

"Gimme five dude!"

and I said,

"Nah, I don't think so. I don't do th high five!"

"You don't high five? Why not dude? Like, what's yer problem?" she said in an aggressive kinda tone.

I said,

"Like, I don't really got no problem sweetie. It jus seems like, y'know, a dumb, meaningless gesture to me and I'm perfectly fine with not high fivin every drunken kid who comes up to me. So, like, you got a problem with THAT?"

She said,

"Yer bein an asshole! Ya know that!!"

I said,

"Don't sell yerself short Princess! Yer doin a real nice job yerself. Now why don't ya go off and play with some kiddies yer own age and leave me th fuck alone!"

She wrinkled her nose at me, y'know jus exactly like spoiled little brats do, and flipped me off and stepped away. And so after that, every guy who hit on her, after she had high fived im, was told what an asshole I was! I'm tellin ya, some of these high fivers can be pretty darned sensitive peoples, in spite of their outgoin personalities.

th cap'm

I was thinking the other night about a TV show, kinda like an updated version of the old Queen For A Day. Do ya remember that one, from waaay back in th past? And if ya do happen to remember it, I'd say you must be approachin "geezerhood", but, thas Ok, cus I'm, like, a geezer too. Nothin wrong with bein a geezer, jus like there's nothin inherently wrong with bein, "young and dumb", All jus stages we gotta go thru in life, eh, but I gotta admit tho, I don't much care for that word to describe my senior/type condition. There must be somthin else that is a bit more dignified, wouldn't ya think? And for some reason when ya precede it with "old" thas even worse, y'know, like, in "old geezer".

Well anyway, back to business. My show would use th same premise as Queen For A Day, but jus updated a bit.

Three homeless, half crazy, drunken sots, would vie, with each other, as it were, each holding their own hand lettered sign, with their own personalised message and they would have a street pole there to help them stand up and maintain their balance, and they would tell us their personal histories, as best they could, and all the bad shit that had befallen them over the years to cause them to reach their present pitiable state, and why they deserved a furnished box under the bridge, for a week, fully stocked with an ample supply of pork and beans and MD/20-20. (whew! gasp! that was quite a sentence)

And depending on how loud the audience hooted, hollered, and whistled for their favorite homeless person, would determine who was Hobo of the Day. We could jus take the audience straight from Springer's show right into the studio and they would already be primed. Wouldn't even have to "warm" them up. And what better time to launch such a "feel good" kinda program, then right now during th holiday season, eh?

th cap'm