joe dreck
Nov. 22, 2006

Joe Dreck, the Captain, and culinary genius was once pursued
by gourmet giants such as Burger King and Wendy's.

Subject: Good News Ya'll
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:50 PM

I already heard on th news tonite, even tho it's not Thanksgiving yet, that if early trends continue, this Holiday Season is gonna be a good be a bright and cheery one for Holiday Consumers. That would be you and me.

It seems th biggest celebrants, like Wal-mart and Target, are goin after our bidness with a vengeance this year. Gonna be some pretty merry prices as they slug it out fer our plastic. So, let's all go out there and try and make this th Best Christmas Ever for those Walton kids.

th cap'm

Subject: Rudolph The Red-Assed Reindeer
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:33 PM

Rudolph the Red-assed reindeer
Had a very shiny butt
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

blah, blah blah
Then one froggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your butt so bright
Won't you guide my sleight tonite
blah, blah, blah


Now forget th froggy Christams Eve part boyz and gurls, when ya stop and think about th rest of it, doesn't this version make more sense to you?

th cap'm

Subject: High Fivin'. Mo plenty enuff. PLEASE!!
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 2:05 PM

What's with this "high five" jive anyway? I thought, and hoped fifteen years ago this foolishness would fade away like all foolish fads eventually do. But, nooooo, it's still alive and thriving. I mean, peoples come up to you and say,

"Hey, what's up? Gimme five". WHACK!

"How bout those Chiefs?" (or whatever) WHACK!

"Is this a great day, or what?" WHACK!!

"Yo dude, I'm goin fishin this weekend!" "Awesome, dude!" WHACK!

One is supposed to slam one's hand to just about every inane, banal comment made within five feet of ya.

Like, yer sittin. in a bar, relaxin, throwin back a few and yer buddy wants ya to go outside and check out his new ride. SHIT! So you go outside and he has a 2001 Taurus. Ya say, "Cool" and then ya high-five. WHACK! Ya wanna go back inside and take care of that beer, but first, he wants ya to sit in it while he searches fer his Stevie Ray Vaughn CD so that ya can actually experience jus what it's like, to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughn, right there in a 2001 Taurus!

"Hey, gimme' five!" he sez as he leans over and ya do th high five. WHACK!!

"And, check out that glove compartment. Damn near big enough to put a suitcase in!"


"Hey, yeah, it's really cool. Boy, I just never dreamed I'd be actually sitting in a 2001 Taurus." I say. "And it's all yours, huh? WHACK! Man. I'd bet there probably aren't more than 20,000 of these babies right here in KC. and you've got one of em!"


"Well, whadda ya say we go back inside now, and tend to those beers we got there. I can only deal with so much excitement in one night, you know. Har har."

So you go back inside and recover your now much warmer beer, while yer hand swells up, and someone else wants to show you the most recent pictures of their dog. Or their cat.... or cow...... or fucking gerbil. You know, some fucking thing! Like you've never seen one of these critters before. Kinda like a 01' Taurus, ya' know what I mean?

"Yes, I can definitely see why this would be yer favorite picture. I mean, just look at im there. Sleeping on the sofa like that. No wonder yer bursting with pride. Wait a minute, before you tell me what new trick he learned last week, what do you say we get another beer"


Well, anyway, enuff of this crap. I can't take it any more. Jus a couple of nights ago I was watchin a real gung-ho high fiver at th end of th bar. This dude din't jus put his hand up there fer a perfunctory little slap. I dunno what they were rappin about, but about every five minutes he would draw his hand behind his shoulder, and throw his whole body into it and slam it forward in to his buddy's upraised hand, and it would make a rilly loud CRACK, kinda like a rifle shot. I suspect they both had plenty sore hands th next day. I asked a dude about him and he kinda laughed and said th guy jus had a real outgoin personality.

I said, "No, No, No, thas not an outgoin personality; that goes beyond an outgoing personality, he's jus a FUCKIN ASSHOLE, thas all. There's a difference."

And y'know, peoples who do th high five bit don't take kindly to it either if ya opt out and decline. Like, one nite last week, this drunken young girl was high fivin every person who walked by her. I mean, literally, every person. I dunno, mebbe she was "rollin" and jus felt a connection with all beings that nite, but, whatever! Watchin her, I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided I needed a high five too.

Sure enuff, eventually she came over to my table, realising, I guess, that she had missed me in her crescendo of high fivin and said,

"Hey Pop, whas up?"

and stuck her hand up, waitin....

And I said, "Not much."

And I jus stared at her blankly and didn't reply. I really don't care for it too much when some young punk-ass kid I never saw before in my life comes up to me and calls me "Pop." Ha ha y'know whut I mean. And she stood there, lookin, holdin her hand up expectantly, still waitin.... and finally she said,

"Gimme five dude!"

and I said,

"Nah, I don't think so. I don't do th high five!"

"You don't high five? Why not dude? Like, what's yer problem?" she said in an aggressive kinda tone.

I said,

"Like, I don't really got no problem sweetie. It jus seems like, y'know, a dumb, meaningless gesture to me and I'm perfectly fine with not high fivin every drunken kid who comes up to me. So, like, you got a problem with THAT?"

She said,

"Yer bein an asshole! Ya know that!!"

I said,

"Don't sell yerself short Princess! Yer doin a real nice job yerself. Now why don't ya go off and play with some kiddies yer own age and leave me th fuck alone!"

She wrinkled her nose at me, y'know jus exactly like spoiled little brats do, and flipped me off and stepped away. And so after that, every guy who hit on her, after she had high fived im, was told what an asshole I was! I'm tellin ya, some of these high fivers can be pretty darned sensitive peoples, in spite of their outgoin personalities.

th cap'm

Subject: New Reality Show Demonstrating Compassion In The New Millennium
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:18 PM

I was thinking the other night about a TV show, kinda like an updated version of the old Queen For A Day. Do ya remember that one, from waaay back in th past? And if ya do happen to remember it, I'd say you must be approachin "geezerhood", but, thas Ok, cus I'm, like, a geezer too. Nothin wrong with bein a geezer, jus like there's nothin inherently wrong with bein, "young and dumb", All jus stages we gotta go thru in life, eh, but I gotta admit tho, I don't much care for that word to describe my senior/type condition. There must be somthin else that is a bit more dignified, wouldn't ya think? And for some reason when ya precede it with "old" thas even worse, y'know, like, in "old geezer".

Well anyway, back to business. My show would use th same premise as Queen For A Day, but jus updated a bit.

Three homeless, half crazy, drunken sots, would vie, with each other, as it were, each holding their own hand lettered sign, with their own personalised message and they would have a street pole there to help them stand up and maintain their balance, and they would tell us their personal histories, as best they could, and all the bad shit that had befallen them over the years to cause them to reach their present pitiable state, and why they deserved a furnished box under the bridge, for a week, fully stocked with an ample supply of pork and beans and MD/20-20. (whew! gasp! that was quite a sentence)

And depending on how loud the audience hooted, hollered, and whistled for their favorite homeless person, would determine who was Hobo of the Day. We could jus take the audience straight from Springer's show right into the studio and they would already be primed. Wouldn't even have to "warm" them up. And what better time to launch such a "feel good" kinda program, then right now during th holiday season, eh?

th cap'm

Subject: Christmas Is Here (already)
Date: Monday, November 20, 2006 8:00 PM

Saturday nite, while driving from my regular saloon Mike's after closing, to my late nite joint on th Plazah, I happened to turn on th radio. I was on 102 and they were playing XMas music. Bing Crosby was doin his "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" gig.

I was confused. I rubbed my eyes and slapped myself tryin to clear my head. I thought maybe I was dreaming. My first thought was,

"What th fuck is goin on? Did I sleep right thru Thanksgiving or somthin? What's happening?"

And then I realised they were jus tryin to get a jump on their competition, bein th first ones to start playin Xmas music.

I went into Ott's and they were busy, There wasn't any place to sit at th bar so I didn't stay. On th way back to th crib, I turned th radio back on and Bing Crosby was singin "Rudolph". Again!! Sheeeit. This wasn't even 10 minutes since I jus heard it.

Then yesterday, I went to visit my mom and turned on th radio in th afternoon and there was fookin Bing AGAIN with th Rudoplh bit. Sheeit. Evidently, some one at 102 must be a big "Rudolph" fan. That made three times I had already heard that crap in two days!! And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.

It's ridiculous how each year somebody starts th whole holiday marketing campaign one day earlier. They used to wait til Thanksgiving was over, but no more. Maybe Halloween will be next? As th kiddies go trick-or treating up and down th street they can all be singin, "Rudoph th Red Nose Reindeer had a very shiny nose and if you eve........Trick or treat!!!!

And on th other side of th street they be singin,

"I'm dreaming of a White Chri....."

Gimme a break with all this holiday cheer bullshit huh!! These fuckin holidays always put me in a bad temper. It's all nothin but crass commercialization and exploitation anyway. Ask any business person about th holidays, and they'll start tellin ya about their sales projections, compared to last year, and th year before and so on. You don't even have to read th figures in th business section of th paper. They'll be on th front page and th local news and Katie Couric will let us know how 'th season' is goin nationally.

It wouldn't bother me one bit if they jus cancelled em, th whole lot of em, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years Eve, St Patty's Day, Valentine's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Labor Day, Memorial Day, President's Day, etc, etc, along with th NBA, th NHL, th NFL, th...whatever they call th baseball league, NASCAR, jus cancel everything!! Maybe jus leave th Chiefs. And every Sunday we could go out and watch em scrimmage against themselves.

So.....Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all.

OK! I'm done for. Thas it for me. Unca Scrooge and I are gonna go out and knock back a few in celebration, jus as soon as we foreclose on that punk-ass bookkeeper and his gimpy brat.

th cap'm

Subject: My Latest Hauté Cuisine Experience At Smoky Hollow
Date:Monday, November 20, 2006 12:49 AM

I don't guess I have to explain why my kitchen is referred to as Smoky Hollow do I? OK!

Although it has been some eight years since I first discovered this treat, I jus last nite fixed myself one of these delights, which I haven't had for some time, and if I might say so myself, it was quite delightful. Of course, it was early of a morn and I was in my usual drunken sot state of mind, typical of that time, but thas of no consequence here and in th spirit of sharing, I urge you to go ahead and try this yerself. You'll like it. As usual, it carries the Captain Hoohah guarantee, and as ya know, that's as good as gold.

Here's what ya do boyz and gurlz. First: Put two slices of bread in the toaster and heat em up til they're jus a little bit crispy, y'know, before they turned brown, Then, lather em up with toxic levels of butter, and then liberally spread, what else, peanut butter!!! Mixin that peanut butter with all that creamy butter. Then, take several large radishes and cut em into 1/8 inch thick slices garnished with salt.

Now here, a note of caution: be careful while yer slicin, that ya don't slice some of yer finger off with th radishes. I have discovered thru personal experience over th years that this some times occurs. OK, next, arrange th radish slices in the butter-peanut butter mass.

Cut th sandwich diagonally: always cut yer sandwiches in this manner. (again, be careful) That way ya can eat yer sandwich standin up with one hand, while using yer other hand on th wall to maintain yer perpendicularity. Take yer first bite off th corner, the second bite off th other corner, and then work yer way across th sandwich. Finally ya'll be left with the last remains between your thumb and forefinger. Gut apetite!

I call this creation Peanut Butter and Radish Sandwich. It occurs to me before I close that some sliced bananas would add another nice nuance of flavor here. I gotta remember that next time. Peanut Butter-Radish con Mellow Yellow, eh. Makes my mouth water thinkin bout it. I jus hope I can remember th banana component of th formula. Man, I can't wait til I get drunk again so I can try it.

Thas another little secret fer ya boyz and gurls. When yer foolin around and inventin new culinary creations; if ya drink a lotta booze before hand, ya'll find it does wonders to enhance yer impressions of what ya jus threw together!

And by the way, if ya wanna go to th next level of taste sensations, I heartily suggest ya prepare yerself a nice bowl of some fine primo herb, jus before ya take that first bite. Ummm, now yer talikin. YUMMY is th word!

Not content tho with jus th sandwich last nite, what I did tho was: I also had myself a side order of some cold crispy potatoes O'Brian. I think the real beauty of this combination lies in its contrasts, that is, th textural contrast of th crunchy radishes with th smooth creaminess of th peanut butter, th coldness of th peanut-butter with th warmth of th toast, th salty with th sweet. And, don't forget th greasy mushiness of the hash browns. I tell ya ese, that was muy delicioso!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Decision Is Yours
Date: Sunday, November 19, 2006 10:38 PM

I was opposed to this war in Iraq from waay before th beginning; all thru th talk during th pre-invasion build-up, and even more so, after th Lunacy of th whole god-forsaken mess has become apparent to jus about everybody on this planet, with th exception of OUR ILLUSTRIOUS LEADER. And as usual, I was right on! (scuse th bit of arrogance) and I'd like to take this opportunity to say,

This debacle has subsequently turned out to be th Greatest Blunder in Amerikan History!! Nothing else comes close. Years from now, peoples will look back on this time and wonder,

"How in th fuck did they elect that mindless Imbecile a SECOND TIME?? Were they all sufferin from some kinda mass psychosis?"

Course it didn't help matters that th Dems chose to oppose him with John Kerry, a wooden, lifeless, souless individual who, by comparison, made Al Gore look like a meth-head. OK, OK, all jus so much water under th bridge, eh.

Anyway my friend Judy D. sent this and I usually don't pass on this sorta thing, but our service peoples do deserve our respect since it's their lives and limbs that are bein squandered there for.....uh.....what was it? Oh yeah, fer Democracy and Freedom. I forgot fer a second, Fer Democracy and Freedom fer th Democracy and Freedom Loving Peoples of Iraq. Thas why they're dyin and bein maimed!

Sheeit!! Scuse me fer a sec while I go vomit over that one!!!

Aw'right, y'see, I have several young friends who are servin over there and I think of em frequently, hopin they're safe and that they return home alive and in one piece. And so, with them in mind, I went myself to this site and wrote my own little note. Who knows, maybe it brought a small ray of sunshine into some person's day there. Course, seein as how they got mo plenty sunshine as it is; mebbe it meant nothing to th recipient.

But, in any case it only took a couple minutes of my time, and even tho I am an extremely busy and highly important personage, whose time is jus sooo fookin valuable, I did it anyway! Color me dumb, if ya insist, but thas jus th kinda guy I am!! Sigh!

So, if you care to take a couple of minutes outta yer schezhule, go ahead. But, on th other hand, if ya decide yer jus too damn busy, and don't have th time; No big deal!! So what? After all, what's a little bit of unbelievable, excruciating, agonising pain for ALL OF ETERNITY, if ya don't, eh? Below is th deal and th choice is yers.


Something cool that Xerox is doing If you go to this web site, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!!

This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are behind them.


Ok, boyz and gurlz, th decision is up to you. A few seconds of yer time here and now, or, th alternative, HELL FOREVER AND EVER, TIME WITHOUT END?

Whadda'ya think?

th cap't

Subject: O.J. Simpson's Latest Stunt
Date: Friday, November 17, 2006 1:22 PM

Where to begin? Oh, fuck it! Why even bother! But if any one ever needed further proof of this man's complete, total Insanity, his upcoming book and interview oughta provide th final piece of th puzzle. Nuff said about fucking OJ!


th cap'm

Subject: a joke
Date: Friday, November 17, 2006 1:07 PM

Ok, scuse me ya'll but i couldn't resist. a joke from my bud Ed M.


Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said,

"What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses."

th cap'm

Subject: G-Day Arrives 11/16/06
Date: Wednesday, November 15, 2006 12:29 PM

WHEW! I made it. (I hope I'm not speaking prematurely here Ha ha cuz it's not quite here yet) I've been moving in this direction my whole life and now it's here.

In case you're wondering, G-Day is that B-Day when you finally arrive at sixty-five! It's th day when you officially become a geezer!

That would be me now, th Geezer Cap'm. Th old curmudgeon. Th old coot, "Pops", y'know, all that kinda crap!

I stopped celebrating birthdays a long time ago. Altho there are a few close friends who know my birthday, most peoples don't know, cuz I jus let em let slide by without any mention. I think th last one I paid any attention to at all was my 50th. Number 60 was jus another day, ho-hum.

But this one seems kinda like a milestone of sorts. Considering my life long drinking and smoking habits, etc, etc, I feel rather fortunate to have made it this far, cuz in th last few years, more and more frequently, I discover old friends who didn't.

So, I'm gonna acknowledge this one a bit......if ya got th time or inclination, stop on by tonite at Mikes.Tavern (5424 Troost) and tip one with me. If not, jus remember, it still ain't no big fuckin deal. OK!? But if ya should decide to stop by, keep in mind, I won't get there til around 9:30.

th cap't

Subject: Where's th best place to live?
Saturday, November 11, 2006 2:44 PM

Well, according to a United Nations report based on per capita income, educationl levels, health care, life expectancy, etc, it's not "th Greatest Country in th World" (that would be th US of course!) but,

1. Norway
2. Iceland
3. Australia
4. Ireland (th Irish know this study is completely wacky to list them fourth)
5. Sweden
6. Canada
7. Japan
8. The Greatest Country in the World

Keep in mind this study was conducted by th UN, and what th hell do they know? Cuz everybody knows THIS is th Greatest Country in th World!!

Subject: Another Exciting Nite at th Saloon
Saturday, November 11, 2006 1:52 PM

Last nite, at yer Mike's Tavern there on Troost Avenue, they featured 4 heavy-metal punk rock bands. There were many heavily tattooed beings of several genders on hand and there was plenty of ear-splitting, angst laden screaming and shrieking goin on, while I attempted to quietly quaff my mead.

Near th end of th evening th crowd was getting more progressively drunk and wild and would up. There was a lot of lurching, arm flailing, bouncing and bumping, and crashing taking place on th dance floor. I'm not too familiar with th argot, but I think th dance floor is referred to as th "mosh pit." Whatever! There was lotsa 'moshin' goin down. At one point, th 'singer' in th last band, who is also co-incidentally th bouncer, havin revved every body to a feverish, manic state had to climb down off th stage and try and restore some semblance of order, separating some of th more aggressive 'dancers'. When he regained th stage he announced in a loud forceful voice,

"Hey guys, it's disrespectful to be knockin th girls about th dance floor. C'mon now, show some respect!"

What th hell was that all about? I mean, isn't that what it's all about at an affair such as that? To get out on th floor and swing yer arms and elbows about with wild abandon; th idea of knockin some one around; bumpin and crashin others about you into th walls and onto th floor? I mean, isn't that what th mosh pit is all about?

So..... what's this? We got special rules in th mosh pit fer th gurls now?

"Hey, no fair, swingin yer elbow and breakin her nose too. That would be disrespectful. Ya can only break other guy's noses!!"

Sheeit, I was waitin for th guy to further announce,

"And oh yeah, in keepin with th showin th gurls some respect bit, be sure and leave th seat down for them in th john!! BE RESPECTFUL!! OK!"

Well, I carefully threaded my way thru th crowd and left about 15 minutes before closin time, cuz peoples were gettin waaay too ampped up for an old geezer such as myself. I'm kinda curious tho how that last 15 minutes went. I'm bettin it was pretty lively!!

Man, y'know, things are so different today. Back in th olden days no one ever got a busted nose doin th bunny hop or th hokey-pokey' y'knowwhut I mean!

th cap'm

Subject: And Speaking of th Absurd
Date: Saturday, November 11, 2006 12:00 PM

Yesterday, at th home of th elderly lady I drive for, who is 90 y/o and wheelchair bound, I noticed for th first time that her walker, which has small wheels on th rear and which I have seen countless times before, has BRAKES on it!! On th underside of th hand grips, one can squeeze handles there which apply brakes to th rear wheels? Why, I ask you?

Since this is a self-propelled "vehicle," which is propelled by means of one pushing it forward one's own damn bad self, why in th fuck-all would it need brakes? Is this in case th user gets carried away and starts pushing themselves at a brake-neck speed, so they are in imminent danger of not being able to negotiate a turn and possibly flip over, that they have to hit th brakes to slow themselves down? Or, maybe they're at a dangerous intersection there in th nursing home, where there's a lot of traffic, and no stop signs and they have to slow down to make sure they don't T-bone another resident? Or, maybe they need it as they go thru a school zone, keepin a wary eye out for careless kids, who might be likely to dart across th sidewalk without lookin first?

Well perhaps, but, in all these situations, couldn't they jus, maybe like, y'know, stop pushing! I mean, wouldn't that take care of th problem?

If you can think of a scenario where brakes on yer walker might come in handy, and so you want to be sure yer walker was so equipped, lemme know will'ya, cuz I can turn you on to a dealer who handles walkers like that! Not only th brakes, but special tires which have superior handling on wet, slippery surfaces. Turn signals, Bose sound systems, horns, automatic head-light dimmers, climate control, (they used to call that heating and air) GPS Navigation system and jus about any fookin accessory you can think of. Not yer grandma's walker any more!!

Sigh! Modern Day Life! It's a trip, eh!!

th cap'm

Subject: Listen Up!
Date: Friday, November 10, 2006 1:13 AM

OK ya'll, about once a year I send this smarmy motivational message out to make sure peoples aren't getting complacent and fallin asleep on me.

th cap'm

Subject: Clicked a Memory
Friday, November 10, 2006 12:58 AM

Earlier today, my good friend Judy asked me how I felt about pets. Below is part of my reply


"But, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against th occasional pet. As a matter of fact, if I wasn't such an irresponsible person, I would have one of my own right noe. But, like, th last time, a few years ago, I tried adopting a Poinsettia, thinkin it would be low maintenance and I could handle it. I tried talking to it each day, sharin my experiences, askin for it's advice and, y'know, tryin to make it feel comfortable and so on and so forth, and in my zeal to make sure it had plenty of nourishment..... I think I drowned it! Sigh!

Such is th fate of a critter condemned to live with me. Life expectancy is short!"



Well, anyway, thinkin bout all this prompted me to go back thru th files and dreg up these things I wrote on this same subject some years ago.

Date: Thu, Jul 1, 1999, 6:43pm (CST+1) To: (various peoples)
Subject: Pet Selection Process

"Recently, I put forth the idea to some friends of mine of obtaining a dog for, you know, pet purposes and all. They sneered and jeered. They found the concept of "Capt Hoohah: Pet Owner" appalling. They said,

"Captain, if you get a dog, it will just die of starvation while lying in it's own feces."

And I thought, "Hmmm. Yeah, Thas possible. So, how about maybe a cat? They don't require much maintenance, do they?"

There was more chortling and derision. They said,

"Shit Captain, if you got a cat it would just die of starvation while lying in it's own feces."

So I said, in some exasperation,

"Well, what about a fucking plant then? I mean, how about a fucking plant? How much trouble could that be?"

They said, "Shit captain, if you had a plant it would just..........."

"Yeah! Yeah. I know! I know!"

Sheeit, Maybe, I should get a turtle. Or a slug maybe. I'd be the only guy on my block with a pet slug I'll bet!! But, you know what! Fuck em I'm gonna get myself a plant anyway! And, if it should die at an early age, well, I guess that was just it's karma. Si?"

captain hoohah(so then I followed that up with this a few hours later) HUTTO) Date: Thu, Jul 1, 1999, 9:42pm
(CST+1) To: (various peoples)
Subject: Pet Suggestions

In response to my pet dilemma, my former wife suggested to me that I maybe get a pet rock. Do you remember those? I guess she forgot about that pet rock I had about 25 years. ago. It's name was Orson. Orsen died of starvation while lying in it's own feces. Hey!!! It's not easy living with me!! You know what I mean!
captain hoohah

So, I suppose there was some validity to their opposition to my acquiring a pet, and realising my own bad pet rearing history, I remain PET FREE.

Besides, word gets around. If I should even venture into a pet store, I would cause mass panic and chaos, while all th critters there tried to run, slither, crawl, fly and swim their way th hell oughta there!!

th cap'm

Subject: Chastain Sponsored Light Rail Issue Passes
Date: Wednesday, November 8, 2006 3:29 PM

WOW. Can you believe this??

Last nite when some one told me this had passed I almost fell off my stool. I was completely flabbergasted.

Jus th nite before I was sharing my wisdom on this subject with some peoples, lecturin em that regardless of what ever merits this plan might have, that it would Absolutely Never pass!! Simply because of th Chastain taint involved with it.

I still can't believe it. I'll bet Clay can't either! I'm sure a lot of th so called "movers and shakers, y'know, that band of elites known as "civic-leaders", who are knee-jerk opposed to anything Chastain-like, are still scratchin their heads, and in a state of shell shock.

I'll bet ya, at their power breakfast this morning, all glassy eyed and slack jawed, they all be lookin at each other goin,

"What th fu.......?!"

th cap'm

Subject: Why do we do the things that we do?
Tuesday, November 7, 2006 8:21 PM

Nature vs. Nurture; that's the question I'm asking. I've written of this before but was reminded of this observing an incident I saw earlier today.

I saw a man who had locked himself out of his car. After several unsuccessful attempts to open the door he stood back and looked at his car and scratched his head, and when he did that, I wondered to myself,

"Why did he just do that? Exactly what was it that prompted him to scratch th back of his head?"

I mean, is scratching his head going to unlock his door? Nah, I don't think so!! Did it make th solution to his problem any easier? Offer him any insights? Nope!! So..... why is it that we all do that when we are confused, perplexed, or in doubt about something? Hey, I'll cop to it. I've done it! So have you! But, the question is; WHY?

Is it a cultural thing? Or is it a basic human instinct? Do all humans do it whether they're in the middle of the Amazonian jungle, the Russian steppes, or the NYC jungle?

Personally, I don't see how it could be an instinct, because it accomplishes absolutely nothing, in terms of survival! How did scratching our heads when we get confused help homo sapiens to survive and thrive? (we ARE thriving aren't we?) Did we do that while we were swinging thru the trees, or did we pick it up only after we jumped down on to the savannas?

I guess one could argue that it's a simple learned behavior that seems to have permeated every culture. But, I wonder, do peoples in isolated communities, like in primitive cultures, who have had no contact with outsiders do th same thing? As they are tracking an animal, looking intently at th jungle floor for sign, and realise they have lost it, do they stop, and scratch their head in consternation? I dunno. Like I said, I wonder?

What do you think? And if none of this is making any sense to you, are you scratching yer head right now in bewilderment?

the cap't

P.S. Hey look, the next time you see someone scratching their head in confusion, do me a favor would you. just ask em, "WHY did you just do that?" But I seriously doubt if they were even aware of what they'd just done, and couldn't begin to explain it even if they did.

Subject: My New Hobby
Date: Sunday, November 5, 2006 7:58 PM

I'm sure ya'll all know, that once, earlier in my childhood, (that woulda been my first childhood) I was an amateur ornithologist. Yep. In other words kids, I was a "bird watcher", or in today's parlance, a “birder.” I understand this is a very popular hobby these days, but I was engaged in this behavior a long time before it was cool. Cuz, back in ‘51, there was nothin cool bout a ten-year-old boy bein a bird watcher!

Au contraire. This activity on my part didn't always go down so good with th homies in my 'hood. Nah, they didn't see nothin cool about it! No way at all!! They could never get their heads around me goin off with my binoculars and my bird book in hand, lookin for a reely good sighting. They jus wanted to do stuff, like, play baseball, football or kickball, y'know, crap like that.

One day tho, at some point, I discovered gurls were just as interesting; as a matter of fact, exciting even. So, I laid my bird field manual aside, (cleverly tho, I hung on to th binoculars cuz they still came in right handy on occasion) and started observing these new critters.Watching th way they moved, their grooming habits, listening to their individual song, noting their differences in plumage, etc. etc.

Well, I won't bore you with th all details of my observations and conclusions over th next 50 some years, but I will say, they proved to be a quite interesting quarry themselves. And there's still a lot about them that eludes me to tis day.

But anyway, about ten years ago, I decided I needed a new hobby again, so I took up my Sesame Seed collecting. I have often thought of submitting my collection to Guinness Book of World Records, based not on th quantity, or quality of th collection, but for it's very uniqueness cuz it's prolly th ONLY collection like it in th world.

Like a lot of things tho, my interest waned after a few years, but my desire to find th legendary, some would say mythical Albino Seed kept me going for a while longer. Finding th Albino Seed would be akin to a birder seein th Ivory Billed Woodpecker. Eventually, despairing of attaining that goal, I gave it up entirely.
And since I stopped acquiring new seeds for it years ago, I decided to sell it, but I have had a rather difficult time in convincing other's of its value. So, it sits there, still, in a glass jar, on my cupboard shelf, waiting for its emancipation.

I know a lot of you already know this background stuff, (see chapter #3 "The Early Years") but this is new! I have a brand new hobby now! I jus started this one about a week ago.

What I'm doin now is; I'm making little tiny squares on a sheet of paper with a fine point ink pen. Little tiny squares boyz and gurlz Teenie-weenie little squares. I'm thinking it will takes some where between 30,000 - 35,000 squares to fill th sheet up. I'm in th early stages here so my enthusiasm is still high. When I eventually fill this whole sheet, I will then have to face th dilemma; to do another one or not? But I suppose I may be getting ahead of myself? One mission at a time, eh!

OK gang, now that I've told you bout this new adventure, do me a favor, will'ya!

Tho it may be difficult for you I'm sure; resist th urge to tell me,

"Dude, you got waaay too much time on yer hands!"

OK, I get enuff of that kinda shit as it is!! On th other hand, I also realise that many of you right this minute are prolly going,

"Damn! I wish I had a cool-ass hobby of makin tiny little squares on a piece of paper jus like th Cap'ms! Sheeit! How come I don't have a cool hobby like that?
This makes my whole stamp collection seem so, trite, lame, blasé and mundane."

OK, now, looky here ya'll, let's get this straight!. This is MY hobby! Don't be a copycat! Nobody likes a copycat. Get your own damn hobby, but leave mine th hell alone.

And if you insist on finding a new one, I'm sure we could reach a fair and amicable agreement on a price for my Sesame Seed Collection. I assure you, it can be a fun and rewarding activity and I can pretty much guarantee; you'll be th only kid on your block with one.

Aw'right, so lemme know if yer interested in climbing out of yer rut, and embracing a new and exciting lifestyle.

th cap'm

Subject: Frank Sinatra Parody: Strangers on my flight
Date: Friday, November 3, 2006 3:39 PM

OK ya'll my buddy, JIm th Hank, sent this to me and it really is jus too fuckin funny! Be patient cus it takes a bit for th audio to unload but it's worth th wait.
th cap'm

Subject: Th Maelstrom Swirls Some More
Friday, November 3, 2006 1:18 PM

My buddy, Ed M. sent this to me.


Charlie found this in Chuck Shepard's: News of the Weird.

"In Sept, the headmistress of the Dvergsenes primary school in Kristinasand, Norway, proposed that boys be taught to urinate while seated, in order to reduce splashing and mis-targeting, which burden the cleaning staff, but many parents and politicians reacted bitterly.

Said Vidar Kleppe of the Justice and Order party, "It's a human right (for a boy) not to have to sit down like a girl", (hey, who's against Human Rrights, eh? CH) adding that the school was "fiddling with God's work."

(Yeah, I too, am of th mind that if th Intelligent Designer had meant for us male-guyz to squat when we take a leak, he wouldn't have provided us with those dangling apparatuses. CH)

Parent Nancy Bakke was proud of her 7-year-old boys ability to aim: "This rule goes against everything I've tried to teach my son."

(C'mon now, pleeeze!! Bein a parent my own damn bad self, I'm all fer a bit of parental pride, y'know, but jeeze, is this th sorta thing that makes yer chest swell?

"Boy, you should see our little Johnny go! My god, he's onlly 7 years old and he's already pissin like a 9 year old, with a 92.5 accuracy rate. By th way, how did yer kid do? CH)

It seem this issue has spread into many areas; there seems to be a human right's issue, for those who need god's help, he has been brought in to the fight in the battle of the toilet seat and home schooling is being questioned. Where else will the controversy lead, the thought of zippers being moved to the side or back of men's pants is very chilling.

After reading this I pledge to Stand Up for the Seat Up. You have one more in your army for leaving the fucking seat any way you want.



Hmmmm, y'know in th past, sometimes I felt like a voice in cryin out in th wilderness, but, well it appears I'm not th only one concened with this vital issue, eh!? I take comfort in discovering; I do not stand alone.

th cap'm

Subject: It's hard keepin up.
Date: Thursday, November 2, 2006 3:26 AM

Just a few minutes ago, I was on my way home from th saloon, listening to th radio at th time, and I have no idea what station I was on, but I heard this,

Radio guy: "So, what do you do sir?"

Caller: "Well, I'm a track and indoor cross-country coach."

And th radio guy asked him somthin else, but all I could think of was.

"Th dude is an indoor cross-country coach????? What th fuck-all is that?"

I mean, see, like, when I was a young dude, if ya ran cross-country, well, you ran outside, and ya ran up and down some hills and about th country side. I mean, thas why they called it, “cross-country,” know whut I mean! Ya sure as fuck didn't run cross-country indoors!!!! fr'chrissake!

So, what th fuck is goin on here? Is this jus another example of where th Cap'm has been left at th station once again, while th Third Millennium Express rolls on?
Sheeit! In-door cross-country?! Gimme a break here, huh!

th cap'm

Subject: Capt's Solution To Fix The World
Date: Wednesday, November 1, 2006 2:07 PM

WARNING! WARNING! Th following contains material that th religious/sensitive person might find offensive! Read at yer own blood-pressure risk.

My buddy Tommy D. got me started with this,


RE: Shia vs Sunni

Charlie, Reading a book that claims why the Shiite's and the Sunni's hate each other. When Mohammed died he didn't leave a will and so they both believe they are the natural heirs of the throne. TD"


True enuff, tho th problems of Shia vs Sunni, tho a good example, are really but a microcosm of th problem facing all of Humanity. That title isn't nearly inclusive enuff to demonstrate th basic problem of th world. In addition, there's Islam vs Christianity, Catholic vs Protestant, Hindu vs Islam, Sikh vs Hindu, on and on. Do ya notice th pattern there boyz and gurls? Th common thread? Think of a Religion, any Religion? And more than likely, there's another religion who has a conflict with them.

Th main problems of th world are, and always have been, not so much ideological, but mainly Religious in origin. More peoples have been slaughtered throughout history because of no more than religious differences, than any other reason!

(please refrain from pointing out th flaw of that statement by noting that more peoples were killed in WW11 than all other wars combined and that it was not *religious in nature, OK!! jus let it stand as stated, without any nitpicking rebuttal using some dumb ol facts to bolster yer case, aw'right. there's jus no good reason to let facts stand in th way of one's theories. Oh, by th way, th World is a Safer place with Saddam gone! And there's no such thing as global warming either, in case you were wondering)

Now, my solution to this problem of Religion vs Religion is pretty simple.


Problem solved! No more religions.... ergo... no more religious differences, eh!!
GASP! See how utterly simple it is? Any one believing in any kind of religion would be sent to R&R (Rehabilitation and Re-Education) camps. We might even inject a bit of macabre humor, by copying our German comrades signs over th entrances, "Arbeit macht frei!" (Work will se you free!"

In these camps those foolish notions would be erased from their brains thru back breaking and mind numbing Labor, urged on by th lash and th truncheon, followed by long classes on proper social attitudes, followed by a bowl of weevil gruel, followed by 4 hours of sleep, followed by th next day's regime, identical to yesterday's

After some period of time, their only thoughts would be, not of th Conversion and/or Eradication of Un-believers, thus gaining eventual Salvation for one's self, but rather, of present day Survival. To jus live another day! Goal enuff for any body!

For those who survived this arduous mind cleansing process, they would then be allowed to re-enter Society in a probationary setting, as productive, contributing members once again. And because of their previous training they could be then be given jobs such as breaking big rocks into smaller rocks, or maybe picking strawberries, while earning th Confidence and Trust of their fellow citizens not to go off thinking radical and anti-social thoughts once again.

For those unwilling to convert to Atheism, BURNING AT THE STAKE would be their alternative. Many former religions used this tried and trued method of persuasion before with great success. So, y'see, it wouldn't be absolutely necessary for one to Conform. No, no, we're not talking some kind of Big Brother1984-type-Police State here! Y'see, peoples would still have Freedom of Choice!

So, I think, if th World Community would all get together and form a Coalition of th Rational, and follow these simple plans, maybe?.... possibly?..... jus maybe one day, we might actually achieve Homo-Sapian's Perennial Dream......Peace on Earth! At last! Peace on Earth!

I dunno, what do You think, boyz and gurls?

th cap'm

*By th way, I don't think th butchering of 6 million Jews was a consequence of their religion. They were killed simply because they were Jews! Because of their race, th Jewish people, that is. Cuz at that time, th Germans would send you off to a camp, even if you happened to be a Christian Jew. Macht nichts. But on th other hand, with th Jews, their Religion and their Race are so closely intertwined, it's difficult sometimes to know where, and even, if, you can separate them.

Subject: The Art of th Deal
Wednesday, November 1, 2006 10:41 AM

Altho I get amusing jokes every day, I usually jus read em, chuckle, and then pass em on into th cyber-void. My buddy Mike G. sent this one here that I'm gonna break with usual procedure and pass on to you, cus it's rather appropriate at th moment.


"While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren, desolate land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


Ha ha. So true, so true. Some Citizen's Committee oughta run this as a kind of disclaimer after every one of th ridiculous political ads we are bombarded with hourly. As th election draws nearer, th blood in th water thickens, and th feeding frenzy, unbelievably, becomes even more frenzied.

Th politicians take a lesson from Mother Nature, eh, while th sharks beam with self-satisfied delight and grin from ear to ear, sayin all th time,

"Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! I told ya so! I told ya so!"

th cap'm

Subject: KISS
Date: Monday, October 30, 2006 1:05 PM

This past Saturday night, down there at yer Mike's Saloon on Troost, they had a KISS tribute band called "almost KISS". I was curious as to what kinda crowd would be drawn to see a KISS-type band? Well, it was as you may have expected. Peoples who were in their early teens during th ‘80s, or what ever those years were when they were popular? Now, a bit paunchier and longer in th tooth.

I myself went to a KISS concert once, back in th mists of time, down at Kemper Arena. It's true! Altho it wasn't reely so much by personal choice. You see, my step-son, who was about 12-13 was in full KISS mode at th time and so I kinda chaperoned him and my former wife. She and I, and a few other parents were definitely out of our environment. Ha ha I could sometimes hear th snickers and snide remarks and feel th questioning looks of some, wondering what in th hell these old fogeys were doin at Their concert? After all, this was KISS, not th fuckin Moody Blues!!

But, I must say, it was a good excuse for me to see first hand, what all th commotion over KISS was all about? Had I been a teenager, I'm sure I woulda been a big KISS fan too, and from a production stand point, they put on a helluva show!! As spectacular as any thing else around at th time.There was enuff smoke, fire and explosions and theatrics to fill an “action movie.”

I could certainly see th allure for a young person of th time, but bein in my 40's, well, you know........ I could hardly embrace a teenage fad, eh? But th fact is, in spite of my indulgent, condescending manner, I did secretly enjoy it myself. But at th ribbing I endured later from my friends, I would just grin and say,

"Well, y'know, as parents, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, eh!"

Now th tribute band Saturday night, while they didn't have th elaborate stage production of th original, of course, were in full KISS regalia with th costumes and painted faces and provided mo enuff lizard tongue flicking and belching fire and smoke to make me keep a wary eye out on th exit, and to scope out who I might have to knock down should I have to make a hasty egress. To hell with that, "women and children first" bullshit. Ha ha. And then, I left before they finished their last set, so I may have missed some good blood spewing, which was kinda what I'd been waiting for all night. Nothing quite so satisfying as some gushing blood around Halloween, eh! Oh well.

But still, even for an old geezer; all in all, an enjoyable experience.
(that last line right there no doubt sets me apart from th true KISS fan. I mean, can you imagine a die-hard KISS aficionado, when asked how they liked th concert sayin, "All in all, it was enjoyable!" Ha ha. I don't think so.)

th cap'm

Subject: A Fact (altho not a particularly interesting one)
Date: Monday, October 30, 2006 2:00 AM

Looking at various Halloween costumes last night down n th Country Club Plazah District, Fred P. Otts, specifically, I observed that many gurls were dressed as fairy princesses. Halloween is th one nite of th year when gurls can dress in th roles they think of themselves. They have their little wispy fairy wings and carry their little magic wands, which enables them to merely wave it to have any thing they want. And of course they have their tiaras, which if you haven't noticed already, signifies their station and “specialness.”

Then, you have your Hookers and Catholic school gurls. You see, gurls are not reely as complicated as they are sometimes made out to be. Peoples go,

"Dames! Who can figure em out?"

as tho it's some kinda cosmic mystery. Not reely. They are either

A. Princesses,
B. Hookers, or
C. Catholic school gurls.

It's that simple. So guys, th next time yer tryin to figure out how yer gurlfriend wants to be treated; think A? B? or C? And if yer still not sure, jus flip a coin.

Ya can't go too far wrong. (I know, I know, you'll need a special 3 sided coin fer this. Think about THAT fer a minute)

Now guys are so much easier to figure based on their costumes of choice. They either think of themselves as a Pirate, or Elvis Presley. And, oh yeah, there's th Disco Hippie. He wears a shiny open necked shirt, like fat Elvis wore, a long dangling necklace with a Peace sign, a big frizzy Afro wig, and some garish, flared, plaid slacks with some tall platform shoes. Nothin complicated there, eh.

th cap'm

Subject: And th Beat Goes On, and on, and on, and on, and on.
Friday, October 27, 2006 10:41 AM

OK boyz and gurlz, you may be getting tired of this topic, but I think it's important we don't lose sight of such matters. I know, I know, there are distractions. With wars going on in Afghanistan, Iraq, with Iran thumbing it's nose at th international community, with a belligerent and bellicose N. Korea rattling it's nuclear sword, upcoming congressional elections, gay marriage, illegal immigration, stem cell research, pit bull legislation, soccer field controversy, crumbling infra-structure, Geo. Bush, etc. etc. There's lots of stuff on out plates to keep us occupied, but, I think this is equally important. It concerns th very fabric of our social existence. It affects us all.

My good friend, Ms. Dorothy, a Gurl by th way, wrote me this.


"I think I've told you this before, but it bears repeating. If men don't put the toilet seat down, I really don't care. Look before you sit, it's that simple. I would rather put the seat down after a gentleman has used the facilities than, and this really pisses me off (no pun intended) go into a public restroom where some young lady who doesn't want germs on her keister, squats over the seat and sprays urine all over the toilet seat. My message to the ladies: If you're going to squat, please lift the seat up before you do so. I would rather put a seat down after a man's done than carry Lysol wipes in my purse to clean up after a squatting girl. Having been married to a man who had a bar for 8 years, I'm afraid I know this scenario entirely too well."


I replied,

"Hear! Hear! A very courageous, altho not very popular stand with yer friends on your side of th aisle, I'm sure.

Tell me Ms. Dorothy, would you be willing to appear as my spokesperson, in a series of national Public Service Announcements? Our message would be,

"Better Social Hygiene for a Better Amerika"

To hell with trying to teach our children about th evils of drugs; instead of that waste of time and resources, let's try and educate them in some proper bathroom etiquettes.

For th gurls,

"Don't squat! It's not Nice!" (and here th camera would zoom in on a urine splattered seat)

For th boys,

"Aim responsibly!" (and here, again, th camera would zoom in on a urine splattered seat)

Working together, we can all help restore Amerika to it's former Greatness."


I think if guys would just keep this in mind as they approached th facilities,

In short, pay less attention to th graffiti on th wall and more attention to th business at hand.

And gurls,


Just a couple simple things to keep in mind to make this a more Civil Society.
Social Etiquette Guru At Large,

th cap'm

Subject: Th Seat Controversy: A Gurl Responds, Th Cap't Does Likewise
Date: Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:59 PM

Ok, I have received this response, or words to th same effect from a number of gurls before. this is from a good friend of mine.


"Wow, where to begin. 1st off, have you ever sat down on a toilet seat that was left up that had urine on it? (other than your own) Not pleasant Charley."

Driving - My dad (a man) taught me. How about all the other girls on your email list. I bet men taught them as well. something to ponder on Capn


I wrote back.

"Ok, now, lemme jus say this about that. NO! i have never sat on a toilet where th seat was left up, cuz......


I always suggest this simple solution to gurls who've done this before. You would be amazed at how this simple action can reduce, nay, even eliminate this unpleasant experience entirely!

Now some gurls who've been lead to believe all their lives, simply because mebbe they were raised that way; i.e. that the seat will ALWAYS, somehow magically, be in th down position, and thus blindly sit down, will encounter this problem more frequently than others. see what I mean!?

Now myself, when i stagger into my bathroom in a drunken stupor, tho I may be hardly able to walk, and don't have th faintest idea of how I left th seat on my previous visit; i look to make sure th seat is in th desired mode.

Without belaboring th point, this prevents that "unpleasant experience" you alluded to.

Now as to th driving, and voting, and drinking, and darning socks and fetching beers, etc. etc, surely (and please, don't call me shirley) you realise that that's all jus th babble and drivel i spew just for th sheer fuck of it. lol

As always, I remain, your obedient servant,

th cap'm

Subject: OINK! OINK!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:23 AM

Y'know, I don't know why, but every time I express my feelings about th up/down? toilet seat controversy, some female gurl personages always seem to get upset? I don't understand! I am egregiously misrepresented to be some kind of Sexist Peeg!! And it's not done thru hearsay or innuendo, or anything as subtle as that tho. Usually it's done like this,


Like I said, nothing subtle about it. This is most unfair to label me like that. Like, in my Defense, fr'instance, I have always felt that, with th right advice and properly supervised, gurls are often capable of voting in a sensible and intelligent manner, and further more, I think they should be allowed to continue to do so.

However, I'm not so convinced that th right to operate a motorized vehicle was reely in th best interests of Society, or themselves either for that matter. What WERE guys thinking? There is prolly nothin quite so dangerous as a lead footed, reckless gurl driver, rappin on her cell phone, who is late for her appointment at th beauty salon. Well actually, on second thought, mebbe thas not a very good example, cus Punctuality has never been exactly high on their priority list.

Now, I realise that guys can sometimes behave badly behind th wheel too, but, um, well you know, what th hell? WE'RE GUYS! Thas different! We do stuff like that. Sheeit. Y'know, we like to ly around on th sofa watchin th race, drinkin beers and fartin and belchin and scratchin our balls too, cuz......well, It's jus th Nature of th Beast, y'know! What more be said!? Case closed.

Whereas gurls, are supposed to be softer, more genteel, and they shouldn't be flippin us th finger jus cus we may have cut them off at th pass, so to speak.

Where do they learn such rude, churlish behavior? Th courteous driver doesn't behave like that. It's obnoxious and vulgar, and ladies ain't supposed to act that way. Obviously some body failed to mention that to them.

I don't know who taught them to drive and carry on like that, but it's jus not very flattering, y'know what I mean? And where DID they learn to drive anyway? It seems like they may have graduated and got their licenses from th Dick Cheney School of Driving. Thas just down th road from th Dick Cheney School of Quail Hunting.

And altho I am opposed in principle to bike riders in general, I think if gurls were maybe limited to operating them, we could then reduce th amount of damage they could inflict. Perhaps these little scooters that are becoming so popular, might be a good compromise. I would support that. I think a two cylinder 15 HP engine wouldn't be too much power for them to handle.

OK, gurls, so you see, I am flexible and completely open minded where you're concerned, so lets cut out all these snide little remarks and stop makin those snufflin, gruntin piggie sounds when I enter a room. OK!

See.... we all Can get along! If you'll jus meet me half way...... and, oh, by th way, if ya could mebbe clean my kitchen later, as a gesture of Sincerity and Goodwill, that would be nice. And could ya fetch me another beer, please!
I remain your staunch supporter and Gender Defender!

th cap'm

Subject: A Bonanza of a Day, Sorta
Tuesday, October 24, 2006 6:05 PM

As some of you know, I do all of my laundry at th same time. Thus, I don't go weekly or any thing like that. More like once a month. And as you may further recall, I often find monies in th washers or dryers when I'm thru. One time I found 94 dollars, but usually it's only 5-20 bucks. Today I set a new record!


Thas right! I'm not jivin ya either. I found 2 hundred-dollar bills in one washer, and a hundred and a fifty later on in one of th dryers.

I have mixed feelings about this "windfall" tho. It's hard to feel reely good or excited about it, since, it was all my money to begin with. So, in fact, I'm not reely ahead by one thin dime. Th disconcerting thing is; that I could leave that much cash in my pants, shirt pockets, whatever, and that I didn't know it was missing.

Like, for many years, I coulda told ya to th penny how much money I had, cuz every cent of it was in my pockets. I didn't have a bank account, checking account, no credit. debit cards. Didn't even have a wallet. For 25 years. Nada!

All th money I had in th world was in my pockets and it ranged from as little as small change, to maybe 50-100 dollars. There were no hundred dollar bills in my pockets that I didn't know about when I went to th laundry. Sheeit. This is disturbing! Has my mind gone on vacation or somthin? Whas goin on?

I read in today's paper where two servings a day of vegetables is supposed to help one retain and maintain one's memory. While I dislike veggies in general, it would seem I'm gonna need to increase my intake, cuz otherwise I'm gonna be sittin in my rocker with a blank look on my slack face, drool hanging down on my chin, tellin any one who will listen,

"I'm th cap'm. I'm th Cap't dammit."

And staff walks by, grinnin and shakin their heads sayin,

"hehe Th old Geezer thinks he's a Captain or somthin!"

th cap'm


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