Good News Ya'll
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:50 PM
I already heard on th news tonite, even tho it's not
Thanksgiving yet, that if early trends continue, this Holiday Season
is gonna be a good be a bright and cheery one for Holiday Consumers.
That would be you and me.
It seems th biggest celebrants, like Wal-mart and Target, are goin
after our bidness with a vengeance this year. Gonna be some pretty
merry prices as they slug it out fer our plastic. So, let's all go
out there and try and make this th Best Christmas Ever for those Walton
Rudolph The Red-Assed Reindeer
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:33 PM
Rudolph the Red-assed reindeer
Had a very shiny butt
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
blah, blah blah
Then one froggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your butt so bright
Won't you guide my sleight tonite
blah, blah, blah
Now forget th froggy Christams Eve part boyz and gurls, when ya stop
and think about th rest of it, doesn't this version make more sense
High Fivin'. Mo plenty enuff. PLEASE!!
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 2:05 PM
What's with this "high five" jive anyway?
I thought, and hoped fifteen years ago this foolishness would fade
away like all foolish fads eventually do. But, nooooo, it's still
alive and thriving. I mean, peoples come up to you and say,
"Hey, what's up? Gimme five". WHACK!
"How bout those Chiefs?" (or whatever) WHACK!
"Is this a great day, or what?" WHACK!!
"Yo dude, I'm goin fishin this weekend!" "Awesome,
One is supposed to slam one's hand to just about every inane, banal
comment made within five feet of ya.
Like, yer sittin. in a bar, relaxin, throwin back a few and yer buddy
wants ya to go outside and check out his new ride. SHIT! So you go
outside and he has a 2001 Taurus. Ya say, "Cool" and then
ya high-five. WHACK! Ya wanna go back inside and take care of that
beer, but first, he wants ya to sit in it while he searches fer his
Stevie Ray Vaughn CD so that ya can actually experience jus what it's
like, to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughn, right there in a 2001 Taurus!
"Hey, gimme' five!" he sez as he leans over and ya do th
high five. WHACK!!
"And, check out that glove compartment. Damn near big enough
to put a suitcase in!"
"Hey, yeah, it's really cool. Boy, I just never dreamed I'd be
actually sitting in a 2001 Taurus." I say. "And it's all
yours, huh? WHACK! Man. I'd bet there probably aren't more than 20,000
of these babies right here in KC. and you've got one of em!"
"Well, whadda ya say we go back inside now, and tend to those
beers we got there. I can only deal with so much excitement in one
night, you know. Har har."
So you go back inside and recover your now much warmer beer, while
yer hand swells up, and someone else wants to show you the most recent
pictures of their dog. Or their cat.... or cow...... or fucking gerbil.
You know, some fucking thing! Like you've never seen one of these
critters before. Kinda like a 01' Taurus, ya' know what I mean?
"Yes, I can definitely see why this would be yer favorite picture.
I mean, just look at im there. Sleeping on the sofa like that. No
wonder yer bursting with pride. Wait a minute, before you tell me
what new trick he learned last week, what do you say we get another
Well, anyway, enuff of this crap. I can't take it any more. Jus a
couple of nights ago I was watchin a real gung-ho high fiver at th
end of th bar. This dude din't jus put his hand up there fer a perfunctory
little slap. I dunno what they were rappin about, but about every
five minutes he would draw his hand behind his shoulder, and throw
his whole body into it and slam it forward in to his buddy's upraised
hand, and it would make a rilly loud CRACK, kinda like a rifle shot.
I suspect they both had plenty sore hands th next day. I asked a dude
about him and he kinda laughed and said th guy jus had a real outgoin
I said, "No, No, No, thas not an outgoin personality; that goes
beyond an outgoing personality, he's jus a FUCKIN ASSHOLE, thas all.
There's a difference."
And y'know, peoples who do th high five bit don't take kindly to it
either if ya opt out and decline. Like, one nite last week, this drunken
young girl was high fivin every person who walked by her. I mean,
literally, every person. I dunno, mebbe she was "rollin"
and jus felt a connection with all beings that nite, but, whatever!
Watchin her, I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided
I needed a high five too.
Sure enuff, eventually she came over to my table, realising, I guess,
that she had missed me in her crescendo of high fivin and said,
"Hey Pop, whas up?"
and stuck her hand up, waitin....
And I said, "Not much."
And I jus stared at her blankly and didn't reply. I really don't care
for it too much when some young punk-ass kid I never saw before in
my life comes up to me and calls me "Pop." Ha ha y'know
whut I mean. And she stood there, lookin, holdin her hand up expectantly,
still waitin.... and finally she said,
"Gimme five dude!"
and I said,
"Nah, I don't think so. I don't do th high five!"
"You don't high five? Why not dude? Like, what's yer problem?"
she said in an aggressive kinda tone.
"Like, I don't really got no problem sweetie. It jus seems like,
y'know, a dumb, meaningless gesture to me and I'm perfectly fine with
not high fivin every drunken kid who comes up to me. So, like, you
got a problem with THAT?"
"Yer bein an asshole! Ya know that!!"
"Don't sell yerself short Princess! Yer doin a real nice job
yerself. Now why don't ya go off and play with some kiddies yer own
age and leave me th fuck alone!"
She wrinkled her nose at me, y'know jus exactly like spoiled little
brats do, and flipped me off and stepped away. And so after that,
every guy who hit on her, after she had high fived im, was told what
an asshole I was! I'm tellin ya, some of these high fivers can be
pretty darned sensitive peoples, in spite of their outgoin personalities.
New Reality Show Demonstrating Compassion In The New Millennium
Date: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:18 PM
I was thinking the other night about a TV show, kinda
like an updated version of the old Queen For A Day. Do ya
remember that one, from waaay back in th past? And if ya do happen
to remember it, I'd say you must be approachin "geezerhood",
but, thas Ok, cus I'm, like, a geezer too. Nothin wrong with bein
a geezer, jus like there's nothin inherently wrong with bein, "young
and dumb", All jus stages we gotta go thru in life, eh, but I
gotta admit tho, I don't much care for that word to describe my senior/type
condition. There must be somthin else that is a bit more dignified,
wouldn't ya think? And for some reason when ya precede it with "old"
thas even worse, y'know, like, in "old geezer".
Well anyway, back to business. My show would use th same premise as
Queen For A Day, but jus updated a bit.
Three homeless, half crazy, drunken sots, would vie, with each other,
as it were, each holding their own hand lettered sign, with their
own personalised message and they would have a street pole there to
help them stand up and maintain their balance, and they would tell
us their personal histories, as best they could, and all the bad shit
that had befallen them over the years to cause them to reach their
present pitiable state, and why they deserved a furnished box under
the bridge, for a week, fully stocked with an ample supply of pork
and beans and MD/20-20. (whew! gasp! that was quite a sentence)
And depending on how loud the audience hooted, hollered, and whistled
for their favorite homeless person, would determine who was Hobo of
the Day. We could jus take the audience straight from Springer's show
right into the studio and they would already be primed. Wouldn't even
have to "warm" them up. And what better time to launch such
a "feel good" kinda program, then right now during th holiday
Christmas Is Here (already)
Date: Monday, November 20, 2006 8:00 PM
Saturday nite, while driving from my regular saloon
Mike's after closing, to my late nite joint on th Plazah, I happened
to turn on th radio. I was on 102 and they were playing XMas music.
Bing Crosby was doin his "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer"
I was confused. I rubbed my eyes and slapped myself tryin to clear
my head. I thought maybe I was dreaming. My first thought was,
"What th fuck is goin on? Did I sleep right thru Thanksgiving
or somthin? What's happening?"
And then I realised they were jus tryin to get a jump on their competition,
bein th first ones to start playin Xmas music.
I went into Ott's and they were busy, There wasn't any place to sit
at th bar so I didn't stay. On th way back to th crib, I turned th
radio back on and Bing Crosby was singin "Rudolph". Again!!
Sheeeit. This wasn't even 10 minutes since I jus heard it.
Then yesterday, I went to visit my mom and turned on th radio in th
afternoon and there was fookin Bing AGAIN with th Rudoplh bit. Sheeit.
Evidently, some one at 102 must be a big "Rudolph" fan.
That made three times I had already heard that crap in two days!!
And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.
It's ridiculous how each year somebody starts th whole holiday marketing
campaign one day earlier. They used to wait til Thanksgiving was over,
but no more. Maybe Halloween will be next? As th kiddies go trick-or
treating up and down th street they can all be singin, "Rudoph
th Red Nose Reindeer had a very shiny nose and if you eve........Trick
And on th other side of th street they be singin,
"I'm dreaming of a White Chri....."
Gimme a break with all this holiday cheer bullshit huh!! These fuckin
holidays always put me in a bad temper. It's all nothin but crass
commercialization and exploitation anyway. Ask any business person
about th holidays, and they'll start tellin ya about their sales projections,
compared to last year, and th year before and so on. You don't even
have to read th figures in th business section of th paper. They'll
be on th front page and th local news and Katie Couric will let us
know how 'th season' is goin nationally.
It wouldn't bother me one bit if they jus cancelled em, th whole lot
of em, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years Eve, St Patty's Day,
Valentine's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Labor Day, Memorial Day, President's
Day, etc, etc, along with th NBA, th NHL, th NFL, th...whatever they
call th baseball league, NASCAR, jus cancel everything!! Maybe jus
leave th Chiefs. And every Sunday we could go out and watch em scrimmage
So.....Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to
one and all.
OK! I'm done for. Thas it for me. Unca Scrooge and I are gonna go
out and knock back a few in celebration, jus as soon as we foreclose
on that punk-ass bookkeeper and his gimpy brat.
My Latest Hauté Cuisine Experience At Smoky Hollow
Date:Monday, November 20, 2006 12:49 AM
I don't guess I have to explain why my kitchen is
referred to as Smoky Hollow do I? OK!
Although it has been some eight years since I first discovered this
treat, I jus last nite fixed myself one of these delights, which I
haven't had for some time, and if I might say so myself, it was quite
delightful. Of course, it was early of a morn and I was in my usual
drunken sot state of mind, typical of that time, but thas of no consequence
here and in th spirit of sharing, I urge you to go ahead and try this
yerself. You'll like it. As usual, it carries the Captain Hoohah guarantee,
and as ya know, that's as good as gold.
Here's what ya do boyz and gurlz. First: Put two slices of bread in
the toaster and heat em up til they're jus a little bit crispy, y'know,
before they turned brown, Then, lather em up with toxic levels of
butter, and then liberally spread, what else, peanut butter!!! Mixin
that peanut butter with all that creamy butter. Then, take several
large radishes and cut em into 1/8 inch thick slices garnished with
Now here, a note of caution: be careful while yer slicin, that ya
don't slice some of yer finger off with th radishes. I have discovered
thru personal experience over th years that this some times occurs.
OK, next, arrange th radish slices in the butter-peanut butter mass.
Cut th sandwich diagonally: always cut yer sandwiches in this manner.
(again, be careful) That way ya can eat yer sandwich standin up with
one hand, while using yer other hand on th wall to maintain yer perpendicularity.
Take yer first bite off th corner, the second bite off th other corner,
and then work yer way across th sandwich. Finally ya'll be left with
the last remains between your thumb and forefinger. Gut apetite!
I call this creation Peanut Butter and Radish Sandwich. It occurs
to me before I close that some sliced bananas would add another nice
nuance of flavor here. I gotta remember that next time. Peanut Butter-Radish
con Mellow Yellow, eh. Makes my mouth water thinkin bout it. I jus
hope I can remember th banana component of th formula. Man, I can't
wait til I get drunk again so I can try it.
Thas another little secret fer ya boyz and gurls. When yer foolin
around and inventin new culinary creations; if ya drink a lotta booze
before hand, ya'll find it does wonders to enhance yer impressions
of what ya jus threw together!
And by the way, if ya wanna go to th next level of taste sensations,
I heartily suggest ya prepare yerself a nice bowl of some fine primo
herb, jus before ya take that first bite. Ummm, now yer talikin. YUMMY
is th word!
Not content tho with jus th sandwich last nite, what I did tho was:
I also had myself a side order of some cold crispy potatoes O'Brian.
I think the real beauty of this combination lies in its contrasts,
that is, th textural contrast of th crunchy radishes with th smooth
creaminess of th peanut butter, th coldness of th peanut-butter with
th warmth of th toast, th salty with th sweet. And, don't forget th
greasy mushiness of the hash browns. I tell ya ese, that was muy delicioso!
Th Decision Is Yours
Date: Sunday, November 19, 2006 10:38 PM
I was opposed to this war in Iraq from waay before
th beginning; all thru th talk during th pre-invasion build-up, and
even more so, after th Lunacy of th whole god-forsaken mess has become
apparent to jus about everybody on this planet, with th exception
of OUR ILLUSTRIOUS LEADER. And as usual, I was right on! (scuse th
bit of arrogance) and I'd like to take this opportunity to say,
"I TOLD YOU SO, GODAMMIT!"
This debacle has subsequently turned out to be th Greatest Blunder
in Amerikan History!! Nothing else comes close. Years from now, peoples
will look back on this time and wonder,
"How in th fuck did they elect that mindless Imbecile a SECOND
TIME?? Were they all sufferin from some kinda mass psychosis?"
Course it didn't help matters that th Dems chose to oppose him with
John Kerry, a wooden, lifeless, souless individual who, by comparison,
made Al Gore look like a meth-head. OK, OK, all jus so much water
under th bridge, eh.
Anyway my friend Judy D. sent this and I usually don't pass on this
sorta thing, but our service peoples do deserve our respect since
it's their lives and limbs that are bein squandered there for.....uh.....what
was it? Oh yeah, fer Democracy and Freedom. I forgot fer a second,
Fer Democracy and Freedom fer th Democracy and Freedom Loving Peoples
of Iraq. Thas why they're dyin and bein maimed!
Sheeit!! Scuse me fer a sec while I go vomit over that one!!!
Aw'right, y'see, I have several young friends who are servin over
there and I think of em frequently, hopin they're safe and that they
return home alive and in one piece. And so, with them in mind, I went
myself to this site and wrote my own little note. Who knows, maybe
it brought a small ray of sunshine into some person's day there. Course,
seein as how they got mo plenty sunshine as it is; mebbe it meant
nothing to th recipient.
But, in any case it only took a couple minutes of my time, and even
tho I am an extremely busy and highly important personage, whose time
is jus sooo fookin valuable, I did it anyway! Color me dumb, if ya
insist, but thas jus th kinda guy I am!! Sigh!
So, if you care to take a couple of minutes outta yer schezhule, go
ahead. But, on th other hand, if ya decide yer jus too damn busy,
and don't have th time; No big deal!! So what? After all, what's a
little bit of unbelievable, excruciating, agonising pain for ALL OF
ETERNITY, if ya don't, eh? Below is th deal and th choice is yers.
Something cool that Xerox is doing If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com
you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will
be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't
pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.
How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!!
This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes
a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch
of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals
over there need to know we are behind them.
Ok, boyz and gurlz, th decision is up to you. A few seconds of yer
time here and now, or, th alternative, HELL FOREVER AND EVER, TIME
O.J. Simpson's Latest Stunt
Date: Friday, November 17, 2006 1:22 PM
Where to begin? Oh, fuck it! Why even bother! But
if any one ever needed further proof of this man's complete, total
Insanity, his upcoming book and interview oughta provide th final
piece of th puzzle. Nuff said about fucking OJ!
Date: Friday, November 17, 2006 1:07 PM
Ok, scuse me ya'll but i couldn't resist. a joke
from my bud Ed M.
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When the Mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with
him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him
that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing
ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking
of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked
in the crib he said,
"What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the
Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck
if he needed glasses."
G-Day Arrives 11/16/06
Date: Wednesday, November 15, 2006 12:29 PM
WHEW! I made it. (I hope I'm not speaking prematurely
here Ha ha cuz it's not quite here yet) I've been moving in this direction
my whole life and now it's here.
In case you're wondering, G-Day is that B-Day when you finally arrive
at sixty-five! It's th day when you officially become a geezer!
That would be me now, th Geezer Cap'm. Th old curmudgeon. Th old coot,
"Pops", y'know, all that kinda crap!
I stopped celebrating birthdays a long time ago. Altho there are a
few close friends who know my birthday, most peoples don't know, cuz
I jus let em let slide by without any mention. I think th last one
I paid any attention to at all was my 50th. Number 60 was jus another
But this one seems kinda like a milestone of sorts. Considering my
life long drinking and smoking habits, etc, etc, I feel rather fortunate
to have made it this far, cuz in th last few years, more and more
frequently, I discover old friends who didn't.
So, I'm gonna acknowledge this one a bit......if ya got th time or
inclination, stop on by tonite at Mikes.Tavern (5424 Troost) and tip
one with me. If not, jus remember, it still ain't no big fuckin deal.
OK!? But if ya should decide to stop by, keep in mind, I won't get
there til around 9:30.
Where's th best place to live?
11, 2006 2:44 PM
Well, according to a United Nations report based
on per capita income, educationl levels, health care, life expectancy,
etc, it's not "th Greatest Country in th World" (that would
be th US of course!) but,
4. Ireland (th Irish know this study is completely wacky to list them
8. The Greatest Country in the World
Keep in mind this study was conducted by th UN, and what th hell do
they know? Cuz everybody knows THIS is th Greatest Country in th World!!
Another Exciting Nite at th Saloon
Saturday, November 11, 2006 1:52 PM
Last nite, at yer Mike's Tavern there on Troost Avenue,
they featured 4 heavy-metal punk rock bands. There were many heavily
tattooed beings of several genders on hand and there was plenty of
ear-splitting, angst laden screaming and shrieking goin on, while
I attempted to quietly quaff my mead.
Near th end of th evening th crowd was getting more progressively
drunk and wild and would up. There was a lot of lurching, arm flailing,
bouncing and bumping, and crashing taking place on th dance floor.
I'm not too familiar with th argot, but I think th dance floor is
referred to as th "mosh pit." Whatever! There was lotsa
'moshin' goin down. At one point, th 'singer' in th last band, who
is also co-incidentally th bouncer, havin revved every body to a feverish,
manic state had to climb down off th stage and try and restore some
semblance of order, separating some of th more aggressive 'dancers'.
When he regained th stage he announced in a loud forceful voice,
"Hey guys, it's disrespectful to be knockin th girls about th
dance floor. C'mon now, show some respect!"
What th hell was that all about? I mean, isn't that what it's all
about at an affair such as that? To get out on th floor and swing
yer arms and elbows about with wild abandon; th idea of knockin some
one around; bumpin and crashin others about you into th walls and
onto th floor? I mean, isn't that what th mosh pit is all about?
So..... what's this? We got special rules in th mosh pit fer th gurls
"Hey, no fair, swingin yer elbow and breakin her nose too. That
would be disrespectful. Ya can only break other guy's noses!!"
Sheeit, I was waitin for th guy to further announce,
"And oh yeah, in keepin with th showin th gurls some respect
bit, be sure and leave th seat down for them in th john!! BE RESPECTFUL!!
Well, I carefully threaded my way thru th crowd and left about 15
minutes before closin time, cuz peoples were gettin waaay too ampped
up for an old geezer such as myself. I'm kinda curious tho how that
last 15 minutes went. I'm bettin it was pretty lively!!
Man, y'know, things are so different today. Back in th olden days
no one ever got a busted nose doin th bunny hop or th hokey-pokey'
y'knowwhut I mean!
And Speaking of th Absurd
Date: Saturday, November 11, 2006 12:00 PM
Yesterday, at th home of th elderly lady I drive
for, who is 90 y/o and wheelchair bound, I noticed for th first time
that her walker, which has small wheels on th rear and which I have
seen countless times before, has BRAKES on it!! On th underside of
th hand grips, one can squeeze handles there which apply brakes to
th rear wheels? Why, I ask you?
Since this is a self-propelled "vehicle," which is propelled
by means of one pushing it forward one's own damn bad self, why in
th fuck-all would it need brakes? Is this in case th user gets carried
away and starts pushing themselves at a brake-neck speed, so they
are in imminent danger of not being able to negotiate a turn and possibly
flip over, that they have to hit th brakes to slow themselves down?
Or, maybe they're at a dangerous intersection there in th nursing
home, where there's a lot of traffic, and no stop signs and they have
to slow down to make sure they don't T-bone another resident? Or,
maybe they need it as they go thru a school zone, keepin a wary eye
out for careless kids, who might be likely to dart across th sidewalk
without lookin first?
Well perhaps, but, in all these situations, couldn't they jus, maybe
like, y'know, stop pushing! I mean, wouldn't that take care of th
If you can think of a scenario where brakes on yer walker might come
in handy, and so you want to be sure yer walker was so equipped, lemme
know will'ya, cuz I can turn you on to a dealer who handles walkers
like that! Not only th brakes, but special tires which have superior
handling on wet, slippery surfaces. Turn signals, Bose sound systems,
horns, automatic head-light dimmers, climate control, (they used to
call that heating and air) GPS Navigation system and jus about any
fookin accessory you can think of. Not yer grandma's walker any more!!
Sigh! Modern Day Life! It's a trip, eh!!
Date: Friday, November 10, 2006 1:13 AM
OK ya'll, about once a year I send this smarmy motivational
message out to make sure peoples aren't getting complacent and fallin
asleep on me.
Clicked a Memory
10, 2006 12:58 AM
Earlier today, my good friend Judy asked me how
I felt about pets. Below is part of my reply
"But, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against th occasional
pet. As a matter of fact, if I wasn't such an irresponsible person,
I would have one of my own right noe. But, like, th last time, a few
years ago, I tried adopting a Poinsettia, thinkin it would be low
maintenance and I could handle it. I tried talking to it each day,
sharin my experiences, askin for it's advice and, y'know, tryin to
make it feel comfortable and so on and so forth, and in my zeal to
make sure it had plenty of nourishment..... I think I drowned it!
Such is th fate of a critter condemned to live with me. Life expectancy
Well, anyway, thinkin bout all this prompted me to go back thru th
files and dreg up these things I wrote on this same subject some years
Date: Thu, Jul 1, 1999, 6:43pm (CST+1) To: (various peoples)
Subject: Pet Selection Process
"Recently, I put forth the idea to some friends of mine of obtaining
a dog for, you know, pet purposes and all. They sneered and jeered.
They found the concept of "Capt Hoohah: Pet Owner" appalling.
"Captain, if you get a dog, it will just die of starvation while
lying in it's own feces."
And I thought, "Hmmm. Yeah, Thas possible. So, how about maybe
a cat? They don't require much maintenance, do they?"
There was more chortling and derision. They said,
"Shit Captain, if you got a cat it would just die of starvation
while lying in it's own feces."
So I said, in some exasperation,
"Well, what about a fucking plant then? I mean, how about a fucking
plant? How much trouble could that be?"
They said, "Shit captain, if you had a plant it would just..........."
"Yeah! Yeah. I know! I know!"
Sheeit, Maybe, I should get a turtle. Or a slug maybe. I'd be the
only guy on my block with a pet slug I'll bet!! But, you know what!
Fuck em I'm gonna get myself a plant anyway! And, if it should die
at an early age, well, I guess that was just it's karma. Si?"
captain hoohah(so then I followed that up with this a few hours later)
email@example.com(Charles HUTTO) Date: Thu, Jul 1, 1999, 9:42pm
(CST+1) To: (various peoples)
Subject: Pet Suggestions
In response to my pet dilemma, my former wife suggested to me that
I maybe get a pet rock. Do you remember those? I guess she forgot
about that pet rock I had about 25 years. ago. It's name was Orson.
Orsen died of starvation while lying in it's own feces. Hey!!! It's
not easy living with me!! You know what I mean!
So, I suppose there was some validity to their opposition to my acquiring
a pet, and realising my own bad pet rearing history, I remain PET
Besides, word gets around. If I should even venture into a pet store,
I would cause mass panic and chaos, while all th critters there tried
to run, slither, crawl, fly and swim their way th hell oughta there!!
Chastain Sponsored Light Rail Issue Passes
Date: Wednesday, November 8, 2006 3:29 PM
WOW. Can you believe this??
Last nite when some one told me this had passed I almost fell off
my stool. I was completely flabbergasted.
Jus th nite before I was sharing my wisdom on this subject with some
peoples, lecturin em that regardless of what ever merits this plan
might have, that it would Absolutely Never pass!! Simply because of
th Chastain taint involved with it.
I still can't believe it. I'll bet Clay can't either! I'm sure a lot
of th so called "movers and shakers, y'know, that band of elites
known as "civic-leaders", who are knee-jerk opposed to anything
Chastain-like, are still scratchin their heads, and in a state of
I'll bet ya, at their power breakfast this morning, all glassy eyed
and slack jawed, they all be lookin at each other goin,
"What th fu.......?!"
Why do we do the things that we do?
7, 2006 8:21 PM
Nature vs. Nurture; that's the question I'm asking.
I've written of this before but was reminded of this observing an
incident I saw earlier today.
I saw a man who had locked himself out of his car. After several unsuccessful
attempts to open the door he stood back and looked at his car and
scratched his head, and when he did that, I wondered to myself,
"Why did he just do that? Exactly what was it that prompted him
to scratch th back of his head?"
I mean, is scratching his head going to unlock his door? Nah, I don't
think so!! Did it make th solution to his problem any easier? Offer
him any insights? Nope!! So..... why is it that we all do that when
we are confused, perplexed, or in doubt about something? Hey, I'll
cop to it. I've done it! So have you! But, the question is; WHY?
Is it a cultural thing? Or is it a basic human instinct? Do all humans
do it whether they're in the middle of the Amazonian jungle, the Russian
steppes, or the NYC jungle?
Personally, I don't see how it could be an instinct, because it accomplishes
absolutely nothing, in terms of survival! How did scratching our heads
when we get confused help homo sapiens to survive and thrive? (we
ARE thriving aren't we?) Did we do that while we were swinging thru
the trees, or did we pick it up only after we jumped down on to the
I guess one could argue that it's a simple learned behavior that seems
to have permeated every culture. But, I wonder, do peoples in isolated
communities, like in primitive cultures, who have had no contact with
outsiders do th same thing? As they are tracking an animal, looking
intently at th jungle floor for sign, and realise they have lost it,
do they stop, and scratch their head in consternation? I dunno. Like
I said, I wonder?
What do you think? And if none of this is making any sense to you,
are you scratching yer head right now in bewilderment?
P.S. Hey look, the next time you see someone scratching their head
in confusion, do me a favor would you. just ask em, "WHY did
you just do that?" But I seriously doubt if they were even aware
of what they'd just done, and couldn't begin to explain it even if
My New Hobby
Date: Sunday, November 5, 2006 7:58 PM
I'm sure ya'll all know, that once, earlier in my
childhood, (that woulda been my first childhood) I was an amateur
ornithologist. Yep. In other words kids, I was a "bird watcher",
or in today's parlance, a “birder.” I understand this
is a very popular hobby these days, but I was engaged in this behavior
a long time before it was cool. Cuz, back in ‘51, there was
nothin cool bout a ten-year-old boy bein a bird watcher!
Au contraire. This activity on my part didn't always go down so good
with th homies in my 'hood. Nah, they didn't see nothin cool about
it! No way at all!! They could never get their heads around me goin
off with my binoculars and my bird book in hand, lookin for a reely
good sighting. They jus wanted to do stuff, like, play baseball, football
or kickball, y'know, crap like that.
One day tho, at some point, I discovered gurls were just as interesting;
as a matter of fact, exciting even. So, I laid my bird field manual
aside, (cleverly tho, I hung on to th binoculars cuz they still came
in right handy on occasion) and started observing these new critters.Watching
th way they moved, their grooming habits, listening to their individual
song, noting their differences in plumage, etc. etc.
Well, I won't bore you with th all details of my observations and
conclusions over th next 50 some years, but I will say, they proved
to be a quite interesting quarry themselves. And there's still a lot
about them that eludes me to tis day.
But anyway, about ten years ago, I decided I needed a new hobby again,
so I took up my Sesame Seed collecting. I have often thought of submitting
my collection to Guinness Book of World Records, based not on th quantity,
or quality of th collection, but for it's very uniqueness cuz it's
prolly th ONLY collection like it in th world.
Like a lot of things tho, my interest waned after a few years, but
my desire to find th legendary, some would say mythical Albino Seed
kept me going for a while longer. Finding th Albino Seed would be
akin to a birder seein th Ivory Billed Woodpecker. Eventually, despairing
of attaining that goal, I gave it up entirely.
And since I stopped acquiring new seeds for it years ago, I decided
to sell it, but I have had a rather difficult time in convincing other's
of its value. So, it sits there, still, in a glass jar, on my cupboard
shelf, waiting for its emancipation.
I know a lot of you already know this background stuff, (see chapter
#3 "The Early Years") but this is new! I have a brand new
hobby now! I jus started this one about a week ago.
What I'm doin now is; I'm making little tiny squares on a sheet of
paper with a fine point ink pen. Little tiny squares boyz and gurlz
Teenie-weenie little squares. I'm thinking it will takes some where
between 30,000 - 35,000 squares to fill th sheet up. I'm in th early
stages here so my enthusiasm is still high. When I eventually fill
this whole sheet, I will then have to face th dilemma; to do another
one or not? But I suppose I may be getting ahead of myself? One mission
at a time, eh!
OK gang, now that I've told you bout this new adventure, do me a favor,
Tho it may be difficult for you I'm sure; resist th urge to tell me,
"Dude, you got waaay too much time on yer hands!"
OK, I get enuff of that kinda shit as it is!! On th other hand, I
also realise that many of you right this minute are prolly going,
"Damn! I wish I had a cool-ass hobby of makin tiny little squares
on a piece of paper jus like th Cap'ms! Sheeit! How come I don't have
a cool hobby like that?
This makes my whole stamp collection seem so, trite, lame, blasé
OK, now, looky here ya'll, let's get this straight!. This is MY hobby!
Don't be a copycat! Nobody likes a copycat. Get your own damn hobby,
but leave mine th hell alone.
And if you insist on finding a new one, I'm sure we could reach a
fair and amicable agreement on a price for my Sesame Seed Collection.
I assure you, it can be a fun and rewarding activity and I can pretty
much guarantee; you'll be th only kid on your block with one.
Aw'right, so lemme know if yer interested in climbing out of yer rut,
and embracing a new and exciting lifestyle.
Frank Sinatra Parody: Strangers on my flight
Date: Friday, November 3, 2006 3:39 PM
OK ya'll my buddy, JIm th Hank, sent this to me and
it really is jus too fuckin funny! Be patient cus it takes a bit for
th audio to unload but it's worth th wait.
Th Maelstrom Swirls Some More
November 3, 2006 1:18 PM
My buddy, Ed M. sent this to me.
Charlie found this in Chuck Shepard's: News of the Weird.
"In Sept, the headmistress of the Dvergsenes primary school in
Kristinasand, Norway, proposed that boys be taught to urinate while
seated, in order to reduce splashing and mis-targeting, which burden
the cleaning staff, but many parents and politicians reacted bitterly.
Said Vidar Kleppe of the Justice and Order party, "It's a human
right (for a boy) not to have to sit down like a girl", (hey,
who's against Human Rrights, eh? CH) adding that the school was "fiddling
with God's work."
(Yeah, I too, am of th mind that if th Intelligent Designer had meant
for us male-guyz to squat when we take a leak, he wouldn't have provided
us with those dangling apparatuses. CH)
Parent Nancy Bakke was proud of her 7-year-old boys ability to aim:
"This rule goes against everything I've tried to teach my son."
(C'mon now, pleeeze!! Bein a parent my own damn bad self, I'm all
fer a bit of parental pride, y'know, but jeeze, is this th sorta thing
that makes yer chest swell?
"Boy, you should see our little Johnny go! My god, he's onlly
7 years old and he's already pissin like a 9 year old, with a 92.5
accuracy rate. By th way, how did yer kid do? CH)
It seem this issue has spread into many areas; there seems to be a
human right's issue, for those who need god's help, he has been brought
in to the fight in the battle of the toilet seat and home schooling
is being questioned. Where else will the controversy lead, the thought
of zippers being moved to the side or back of men's pants is very
After reading this I pledge to Stand Up for the Seat Up. You have
one more in your army for leaving the fucking seat any way you want.
Hmmmm, y'know in th past, sometimes I felt like a voice in cryin out
in th wilderness, but, well it appears I'm not th only one concened
with this vital issue, eh!? I take comfort in discovering; I do not
It's hard keepin up.
Date: Thursday, November 2, 2006 3:26 AM
Just a few minutes ago, I was on my way home from
th saloon, listening to th radio at th time, and I have no idea what
station I was on, but I heard this,
Radio guy: "So, what do you do sir?"
Caller: "Well, I'm a track and indoor cross-country coach."
And th radio guy asked him somthin else, but all I could think of
"Th dude is an indoor cross-country coach????? What th fuck-all
I mean, see, like, when I was a young dude, if ya ran cross-country,
well, you ran outside, and ya ran up and down some hills and about
th country side. I mean, thas why they called it, “cross-country,”
know whut I mean! Ya sure as fuck didn't run cross-country indoors!!!!
So, what th fuck is goin on here? Is this jus another example of where
th Cap'm has been left at th station once again, while th Third Millennium
Express rolls on?
Sheeit! In-door cross-country?! Gimme a break here, huh!
Capt's Solution To Fix The World
Date: Wednesday, November 1, 2006 2:07 PM
WARNING! WARNING! Th following contains material
that th religious/sensitive person might find offensive! Read at yer
own blood-pressure risk.
My buddy Tommy D. got me started with this,
RE: Shia vs Sunni
Charlie, Reading a book that claims why the Shiite's and the Sunni's
hate each other. When Mohammed died he didn't leave a will and so
they both believe they are the natural heirs of the throne. TD"
True enuff, tho th problems of Shia vs Sunni, tho a good example,
are really but a microcosm of th problem facing all of Humanity. That
title isn't nearly inclusive enuff to demonstrate th basic problem
of th world. In addition, there's Islam vs Christianity, Catholic
vs Protestant, Hindu vs Islam, Sikh vs Hindu, on and on. Do ya notice
th pattern there boyz and gurls? Th common thread? Think of a Religion,
any Religion? And more than likely, there's another religion who has
a conflict with them.
Th main problems of th world are, and always have been, not so much
ideological, but mainly Religious in origin. More peoples have been
slaughtered throughout history because of no more than religious differences,
than any other reason!
(please refrain from pointing out th flaw of that statement by noting
that more peoples were killed in WW11 than all other wars combined
and that it was not *religious in nature, OK!! jus let it stand as
stated, without any nitpicking rebuttal using some dumb ol facts to
bolster yer case, aw'right. there's jus no good reason to let facts
stand in th way of one's theories. Oh, by th way, th World is a Safer
place with Saddam gone! And there's no such thing as global warming
either, in case you were wondering)
Now, my solution to this problem of Religion vs Religion is pretty
ALL RELIGIONS SHOULD BE BANNED!!
Problem solved! No more religions.... ergo... no more religious differences,
GASP! See how utterly simple it is? Any one believing in any kind
of religion would be sent to R&R (Rehabilitation and Re-Education)
camps. We might even inject a bit of macabre humor, by copying our
German comrades signs over th entrances, "Arbeit macht frei!"
(Work will se you free!"
In these camps those foolish notions would be erased from their brains
thru back breaking and mind numbing Labor, urged on by th lash and
th truncheon, followed by long classes on proper social attitudes,
followed by a bowl of weevil gruel, followed by 4 hours of sleep,
followed by th next day's regime, identical to yesterday's
After some period of time, their only thoughts would be, not of th
Conversion and/or Eradication of Un-believers, thus gaining eventual
Salvation for one's self, but rather, of present day Survival. To
jus live another day! Goal enuff for any body!
For those who survived this arduous mind cleansing process, they would
then be allowed to re-enter Society in a probationary setting, as
productive, contributing members once again. And because of their
previous training they could be then be given jobs such as breaking
big rocks into smaller rocks, or maybe picking strawberries, while
earning th Confidence and Trust of their fellow citizens not to go
off thinking radical and anti-social thoughts once again.
For those unwilling to convert to Atheism, BURNING AT THE STAKE would
be their alternative. Many former religions used this tried and trued
method of persuasion before with great success. So, y'see, it wouldn't
be absolutely necessary for one to Conform. No, no, we're not talking
some kind of Big Brother1984-type-Police State here! Y'see, peoples
would still have Freedom of Choice!
So, I think, if th World Community would all get together and form
a Coalition of th Rational, and follow these simple plans, maybe?....
possibly?..... jus maybe one day, we might actually achieve Homo-Sapian's
Perennial Dream......Peace on Earth! At last! Peace on Earth!
I dunno, what do You think, boyz and gurls?
*By th way, I don't think th butchering of 6 million Jews was a consequence
of their religion. They were killed simply because they were Jews!
Because of their race, th Jewish people, that is. Cuz at that time,
th Germans would send you off to a camp, even if you happened to be
a Christian Jew. Macht nichts. But on th other hand, with th Jews,
their Religion and their Race are so closely intertwined, it's difficult
sometimes to know where, and even, if, you can separate them.
The Art of th Deal
Wednesday, November 1, 2006 10:41 AM
Altho I get amusing jokes every day, I usually jus
read em, chuckle, and then pass em on into th cyber-void. My buddy
Mike G. sent this one here that I'm gonna break with usual procedure
and pass on to you, cus it's rather appropriate at th moment.
"While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St.Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing
in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game
of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives
him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I
would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful,
but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren,
desolate land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking the trash and putting it in black bags as
more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Ha ha. So true, so true. Some Citizen's Committee oughta run this
as a kind of disclaimer after every one of th ridiculous political
ads we are bombarded with hourly. As th election draws nearer, th
blood in th water thickens, and th feeding frenzy, unbelievably, becomes
even more frenzied.
Th politicians take a lesson from Mother Nature, eh, while th sharks
beam with self-satisfied delight and grin from ear to ear, sayin all
"Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! I told ya so! I told ya so!"
Date: Monday, October 30, 2006 1:05 PM
This past Saturday night, down there at yer Mike's
Saloon on Troost, they had a KISS tribute band called "almost
KISS". I was curious as to what kinda crowd would be drawn to
see a KISS-type band? Well, it was as you may have expected. Peoples
who were in their early teens during th ‘80s, or what ever those
years were when they were popular? Now, a bit paunchier and longer
in th tooth.
I myself went to a KISS concert once, back in th mists of time, down
at Kemper Arena. It's true! Altho it wasn't reely so much by personal
choice. You see, my step-son, who was about 12-13 was in full KISS
mode at th time and so I kinda chaperoned him and my former wife.
She and I, and a few other parents were definitely out of our environment.
Ha ha I could sometimes hear th snickers and snide remarks and feel
th questioning looks of some, wondering what in th hell these old
fogeys were doin at Their concert? After all, this was KISS, not th
fuckin Moody Blues!!
But, I must say, it was a good excuse for me to see first hand, what
all th commotion over KISS was all about? Had I been a teenager, I'm
sure I woulda been a big KISS fan too, and from a production stand
point, they put on a helluva show!! As spectacular as any thing else
around at th time.There was enuff smoke, fire and explosions and theatrics
to fill an “action movie.”
I could certainly see th allure for a young person of th time, but
bein in my 40's, well, you know........ I could hardly embrace a teenage
fad, eh? But th fact is, in spite of my indulgent, condescending manner,
I did secretly enjoy it myself. But at th ribbing I endured later
from my friends, I would just grin and say,
"Well, y'know, as parents, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta
Now th tribute band Saturday night, while they didn't have th elaborate
stage production of th original, of course, were in full KISS regalia
with th costumes and painted faces and provided mo enuff lizard tongue
flicking and belching fire and smoke to make me keep a wary eye out
on th exit, and to scope out who I might have to knock down should
I have to make a hasty egress. To hell with that, "women and
children first" bullshit. Ha ha. And then, I left before they
finished their last set, so I may have missed some good blood spewing,
which was kinda what I'd been waiting for all night. Nothing quite
so satisfying as some gushing blood around Halloween, eh! Oh well.
But still, even for an old geezer; all in all, an enjoyable experience.
(that last line right there no doubt sets me apart from th true KISS
fan. I mean, can you imagine a die-hard KISS aficionado, when asked
how they liked th concert sayin, "All in all, it was enjoyable!"
Ha ha. I don't think so.)
A Fact (altho not a particularly interesting one)
Date: Monday, October 30, 2006 2:00 AM
Looking at various Halloween costumes last night
down n th Country Club Plazah District, Fred P. Otts, specifically,
I observed that many gurls were dressed as fairy princesses. Halloween
is th one nite of th year when gurls can dress in th roles they think
of themselves. They have their little wispy fairy wings and carry
their little magic wands, which enables them to merely wave it to
have any thing they want. And of course they have their tiaras, which
if you haven't noticed already, signifies their station and “specialness.”
Then, you have your Hookers and Catholic school gurls. You see, gurls
are not reely as complicated as they are sometimes made out to be.
"Dames! Who can figure em out?"
as tho it's some kinda cosmic mystery. Not reely. They are either
B. Hookers, or
C. Catholic school gurls.
It's that simple. So guys, th next time yer tryin to figure out how
yer gurlfriend wants to be treated; think A? B? or C? And if yer still
not sure, jus flip a coin.
Ya can't go too far wrong. (I know, I know, you'll need a special
3 sided coin fer this. Think about THAT fer a minute)
Now guys are so much easier to figure based on their costumes of choice.
They either think of themselves as a Pirate, or Elvis Presley. And,
oh yeah, there's th Disco Hippie. He wears a shiny open necked shirt,
like fat Elvis wore, a long dangling necklace with a Peace sign, a
big frizzy Afro wig, and some garish, flared, plaid slacks with some
tall platform shoes. Nothin complicated there, eh.
And th Beat Goes On, and on, and on, and
on, and on.
October 27, 2006 10:41 AM
OK boyz and gurlz, you may be getting tired of this
topic, but I think it's important we don't lose sight of such matters.
I know, I know, there are distractions. With wars going on in Afghanistan,
Iraq, with Iran thumbing it's nose at th international community,
with a belligerent and bellicose N. Korea rattling it's nuclear sword,
upcoming congressional elections, gay marriage, illegal immigration,
stem cell research, pit bull legislation, soccer field controversy,
crumbling infra-structure, Geo. Bush, etc. etc. There's lots of stuff
on out plates to keep us occupied, but, I think this is equally important.
It concerns th very fabric of our social existence. It affects us
My good friend, Ms. Dorothy, a Gurl by th way, wrote me this.
"I think I've told you this before, but it bears repeating. If
men don't put the toilet seat down, I really don't care. Look before
you sit, it's that simple. I would rather put the seat down after
a gentleman has used the facilities than, and this really pisses me
off (no pun intended) go into a public restroom where some young lady
who doesn't want germs on her keister, squats over the seat and sprays
urine all over the toilet seat. My message to the ladies: If you're
going to squat, please lift the seat up before you do so. I would
rather put a seat down after a man's done than carry Lysol wipes in
my purse to clean up after a squatting girl. Having been married to
a man who had a bar for 8 years, I'm afraid I know this scenario entirely
"Hear! Hear! A very courageous, altho not very popular stand
with yer friends on your side of th aisle, I'm sure.
Tell me Ms. Dorothy, would you be willing to appear as my spokesperson,
in a series of national Public Service Announcements? Our message
"Better Social Hygiene for a Better Amerika"
To hell with trying to teach our children about th evils of drugs;
instead of that waste of time and resources, let's try and educate
them in some proper bathroom etiquettes.
For th gurls,
"Don't squat! It's not Nice!" (and here th camera would
zoom in on a urine splattered seat)
For th boys,
"Aim responsibly!" (and here, again, th camera would zoom
in on a urine splattered seat)
Working together, we can all help restore Amerika to it's former Greatness."
I think if guys would just keep this in mind as they approached th
In short, pay less attention to th graffiti on th wall and more attention
to th business at hand.
Just a couple simple things to keep in mind to make this a more Civil
Social Etiquette Guru At Large,
Th Seat Controversy: A Gurl Responds, Th Cap't Does Likewise
Date: Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:59 PM
Ok, I have received this response, or words to th
same effect from a number of gurls before. this is from a good friend
"Wow, where to begin. 1st off, have you ever sat down on a toilet
seat that was left up that had urine on it? (other than your own)
Not pleasant Charley."
Driving - My dad (a man) taught me. How about all the other girls
on your email list. I bet men taught them as well. something to ponder
I wrote back.
"Ok, now, lemme jus say this about that. NO! i have never sat
on a toilet where th seat was left up, cuz......
I LOOK BEFORE I SIT!!!
I always suggest this simple solution to gurls who've done this before.
You would be amazed at how this simple action can reduce, nay, even
eliminate this unpleasant experience entirely!
Now some gurls who've been lead to believe all their lives, simply
because mebbe they were raised that way; i.e. that the seat will ALWAYS,
somehow magically, be in th down position, and thus blindly sit down,
will encounter this problem more frequently than others. see what
Now myself, when i stagger into my bathroom in a drunken stupor, tho
I may be hardly able to walk, and don't have th faintest idea of how
I left th seat on my previous visit; i look to make sure th seat is
in th desired mode.
Without belaboring th point, this prevents that "unpleasant experience"
you alluded to.
Now as to th driving, and voting, and drinking, and darning socks
and fetching beers, etc. etc, surely (and please, don't call me shirley)
you realise that that's all jus th babble and drivel i spew just for
th sheer fuck of it. lol
As always, I remain, your obedient servant,
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:23 AM
Y'know, I don't know why, but every time I express
my feelings about th up/down? toilet seat controversy, some female
gurl personages always seem to get upset? I don't understand! I am
egregiously misrepresented to be some kind of Sexist Peeg!! And it's
not done thru hearsay or innuendo, or anything as subtle as that tho.
Usually it's done like this,
"YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING NEANDERTHAL CHAUVINIST FUCKING SEXIST PIG!!!"
Like I said, nothing subtle about it. This is most unfair to label
me like that. Like, in my Defense, fr'instance, I have always felt
that, with th right advice and properly supervised, gurls are often
capable of voting in a sensible and intelligent manner, and further
more, I think they should be allowed to continue to do so.
However, I'm not so convinced that th right to operate a motorized
vehicle was reely in th best interests of Society, or themselves either
for that matter. What WERE guys thinking? There is prolly nothin quite
so dangerous as a lead footed, reckless gurl driver, rappin on her
cell phone, who is late for her appointment at th beauty salon. Well
actually, on second thought, mebbe thas not a very good example, cus
Punctuality has never been exactly high on their priority list.
Now, I realise that guys can sometimes behave badly behind th wheel
too, but, um, well you know, what th hell? WE'RE GUYS! Thas different!
We do stuff like that. Sheeit. Y'know, we like to ly around on th
sofa watchin th race, drinkin beers and fartin and belchin and scratchin
our balls too, cuz......well, It's jus th Nature of th Beast, y'know!
What more be said!? Case closed.
Whereas gurls, are supposed to be softer, more genteel, and they shouldn't
be flippin us th finger jus cus we may have cut them off at th pass,
so to speak.
Where do they learn such rude, churlish behavior? Th courteous driver
doesn't behave like that. It's obnoxious and vulgar, and ladies ain't
supposed to act that way. Obviously some body failed to mention that
I don't know who taught them to drive and carry on like that, but
it's jus not very flattering, y'know what I mean? And where DID they
learn to drive anyway? It seems like they may have graduated and got
their licenses from th Dick Cheney School of Driving. Thas just down
th road from th Dick Cheney School of Quail Hunting.
And altho I am opposed in principle to bike riders in general, I think
if gurls were maybe limited to operating them, we could then reduce
th amount of damage they could inflict. Perhaps these little scooters
that are becoming so popular, might be a good compromise. I would
support that. I think a two cylinder 15 HP engine wouldn't be too
much power for them to handle.
OK, gurls, so you see, I am flexible and completely open minded where
you're concerned, so lets cut out all these snide little remarks and
stop makin those snufflin, gruntin piggie sounds when I enter a room.
See.... we all Can get along! If you'll jus meet me half way......
and, oh, by th way, if ya could mebbe clean my kitchen later, as a
gesture of Sincerity and Goodwill, that would be nice. And could ya
fetch me another beer, please!
I remain your staunch supporter and Gender Defender!
A Bonanza of a Day, Sorta
October 24, 2006 6:05 PM
As some of you know, I do all of my laundry at th
same time. Thus, I don't go weekly or any thing like that. More like
once a month. And as you may further recall, I often find monies in
th washers or dryers when I'm thru. One time I found 94 dollars, but
usually it's only 5-20 bucks. Today I set a new record!
Today I found THREE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!!!
Thas right! I'm not jivin ya either. I found 2 hundred-dollar bills
in one washer, and a hundred and a fifty later on in one of th dryers.
I have mixed feelings about this "windfall" tho. It's hard
to feel reely good or excited about it, since, it was all my money
to begin with. So, in fact, I'm not reely ahead by one thin dime.
Th disconcerting thing is; that I could leave that much cash in my
pants, shirt pockets, whatever, and that I didn't know it was missing.
Like, for many years, I coulda told ya to th penny how much money
I had, cuz every cent of it was in my pockets. I didn't have a bank
account, checking account, no credit. debit cards. Didn't even have
a wallet. For 25 years. Nada!
All th money I had in th world was in my pockets and it ranged from
as little as small change, to maybe 50-100 dollars. There were no
hundred dollar bills in my pockets that I didn't know about when I
went to th laundry. Sheeit. This is disturbing! Has my mind gone on
vacation or somthin? Whas goin on?
I read in today's paper where two servings a day of vegetables is
supposed to help one retain and maintain one's memory. While I dislike
veggies in general, it would seem I'm gonna need to increase my intake,
cuz otherwise I'm gonna be sittin in my rocker with a blank look on
my slack face, drool hanging down on my chin, tellin any one who will
"I'm th cap'm. I'm th Cap't dammit."
And staff walks by, grinnin and shakin their heads sayin,
"hehe Th old Geezer thinks he's a Captain or somthin!"