joe dreck
Oct. 27, 2006

Joe Dreck, the Captain, lifts the lid but
sometimes pisses in the wind.

Subject: And th Beat Goes On, and on, and on, and on, and on.
Friday, October 27, 2006 10:41 AM

OK boyz and gurlz, you may be getting tired of this topic, but I think it's important we don't lose sight of such matters. I know, I know, there are distractions. With wars going on in Afghanistan, Iraq, with Iran thumbing it's nose at th international community, with a belligerent and bellicose N. Korea rattling it's nuclear sword, upcoming congressional elections, gay marriage, illegal immigration, stem cell research, pit bull legislation, soccer field controversy, crumbling infra-structure, Geo. Bush, etc. etc. There's lots of stuff on out plates to keep us occupied, but, I think this is equally important. It concerns th very fabric of our social existence. It affects us all.

My good friend, Ms. Dorothy, a Gurl by th way, wrote me this.


"I think I've told you this before, but it bears repeating. If men don't put the toilet seat down, I really don't care. Look before you sit, it's that simple. I would rather put the seat down after a gentleman has used the facilities than, and this really pisses me off (no pun intended) go into a public restroom where some young lady who doesn't want germs on her keister, squats over the seat and sprays urine all over the toilet seat. My message to the ladies: If you're going to squat, please lift the seat up before you do so. I would rather put a seat down after a man's done than carry Lysol wipes in my purse to clean up after a squatting girl. Having been married to a man who had a bar for 8 years, I'm afraid I know this scenario entirely too well."


I replied,

"Hear! Hear! A very courageous, altho not very popular stand with yer friends on your side of th aisle, I'm sure.

Tell me Ms. Dorothy, would you be willing to appear as my spokesperson, in a series of national Public Service Announcements? Our message would be,

"Better Social Hygiene for a Better Amerika"

To hell with trying to teach our children about th evils of drugs; instead of that waste of time and resources, let's try and educate them in some proper bathroom etiquettes.

For th gurls,

"Don't squat! It's not Nice!" (and here th camera would zoom in on a urine splattered seat)

For th boys,

"Aim responsibly!" (and here, again, th camera would zoom in on a urine splattered seat)

Working together, we can all help restore Amerika to it's former Greatness."


I think if guys would just keep this in mind as they approached th facilities,

In short, pay less attention to th graffiti on th wall and more attention to th business at hand.

And gurls,


Just a couple simple things to keep in mind to make this a more Civil Society.
Social Etiquette Guru At Large,

th cap'm

Subject: Th Seat Controversy: A Gurl Responds, Th Cap't Does Likewise
Date: Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:59 PM

Ok, I have received this response, or words to th same effect from a number of gurls before. this is from a good friend of mine.


"Wow, where to begin. 1st off, have you ever sat down on a toilet seat that was left up that had urine on it? (other than your own) Not pleasant Charley."

Driving - My dad (a man) taught me. How about all the other girls on your email list. I bet men taught them as well. something to ponder on Capn


I wrote back.

"Ok, now, lemme jus say this about that. NO! i have never sat on a toilet where th seat was left up, cuz......


I always suggest this simple solution to gurls who've done this before. You would be amazed at how this simple action can reduce, nay, even eliminate this unpleasant experience entirely!

Now some gurls who've been lead to believe all their lives, simply because mebbe they were raised that way; i.e. that the seat will ALWAYS, somehow magically, be in th down position, and thus blindly sit down, will encounter this problem more frequently than others. see what I mean!?

Now myself, when i stagger into my bathroom in a drunken stupor, tho I may be hardly able to walk, and don't have th faintest idea of how I left th seat on my previous visit; i look to make sure th seat is in th desired mode.

Without belaboring th point, this prevents that "unpleasant experience" you alluded to.

Now as to th driving, and voting, and drinking, and darning socks and fetching beers, etc. etc, surely (and please, don't call me shirley) you realise that that's all jus th babble and drivel i spew just for th sheer fuck of it. lol

As always, I remain, your obedient servant,

th cap'm

Subject: OINK! OINK!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:23 AM

Y'know, I don't know why, but every time I express my feelings about th up/down? toilet seat controversy, some female gurl personages always seem to get upset? I don't understand! I am egregiously misrepresented to be some kind of Sexist Peeg!! And it's not done thru hearsay or innuendo, or anything as subtle as that tho. Usually it's done like this,


Like I said, nothing subtle about it. This is most unfair to label me like that. Like, in my Defense, fr'instance, I have always felt that, with th right advice and properly supervised, gurls are often capable of voting in a sensible and intelligent manner, and further more, I think they should be allowed to continue to do so.

However, I'm not so convinced that th right to operate a motorized vehicle was reely in th best interests of Society, or themselves either for that matter. What WERE guys thinking? There is prolly nothin quite so dangerous as a lead footed, reckless gurl driver, rappin on her cell phone, who is late for her appointment at th beauty salon. Well actually, on second thought, mebbe thas not a very good example, cus Punctuality has never been exactly high on their priority list.

Now, I realise that guys can sometimes behave badly behind th wheel too, but, um, well you know, what th hell? WE'RE GUYS! Thas different! We do stuff like that. Sheeit. Y'know, we like to ly around on th sofa watchin th race, drinkin beers and fartin and belchin and scratchin our balls too, cuz......well, It's jus th Nature of th Beast, y'know! What more be said!? Case closed.

Whereas gurls, are supposed to be softer, more genteel, and they shouldn't be flippin us th finger jus cus we may have cut them off at th pass, so to speak.

Where do they learn such rude, churlish behavior? Th courteous driver doesn't behave like that. It's obnoxious and vulgar, and ladies ain't supposed to act that way. Obviously some body failed to mention that to them.

I don't know who taught them to drive and carry on like that, but it's jus not very flattering, y'know what I mean? And where DID they learn to drive anyway? It seems like they may have graduated and got their licenses from th Dick Cheney School of Driving. Thas just down th road from th Dick Cheney School of Quail Hunting.

And altho I am opposed in principle to bike riders in general, I think if gurls were maybe limited to operating them, we could then reduce th amount of damage they could inflict. Perhaps these little scooters that are becoming so popular, might be a good compromise. I would support that. I think a two cylinder 15 HP engine wouldn't be too much power for them to handle.

OK, gurls, so you see, I am flexible and completely open minded where you're concerned, so lets cut out all these snide little remarks and stop makin those snufflin, gruntin piggie sounds when I enter a room. OK!

See.... we all Can get along! If you'll jus meet me half way...... and, oh, by th way, if ya could mebbe clean my kitchen later, as a gesture of Sincerity and Goodwill, that would be nice. And could ya fetch me another beer, please!
I remain your staunch supporter and Gender Defender!

th cap'm

Subject: A Bonanza of a Day, Sorta
Tuesday, October 24, 2006 6:05 PM

As some of you know, I do all of my laundry at th same time. Thus, I don't go weekly or any thing like that. More like once a month. And as you may further recall, I often find monies in th washers or dryers when I'm thru. One time I found 94 dollars, but usually it's only 5-20 bucks. Today I set a new record!


Thas right! I'm not jivin ya either. I found 2 hundred-dollar bills in one washer, and a hundred and a fifty later on in one of th dryers.

I have mixed feelings about this "windfall" tho. It's hard to feel reely good or excited about it, since, it was all my money to begin with. So, in fact, I'm not reely ahead by one thin dime. Th disconcerting thing is; that I could leave that much cash in my pants, shirt pockets, whatever, and that I didn't know it was missing.

Like, for many years, I coulda told ya to th penny how much money I had, cuz every cent of it was in my pockets. I didn't have a bank account, checking account, no credit. debit cards. Didn't even have a wallet. For 25 years. Nada!

All th money I had in th world was in my pockets and it ranged from as little as small change, to maybe 50-100 dollars. There were no hundred dollar bills in my pockets that I didn't know about when I went to th laundry. Sheeit. This is disturbing! Has my mind gone on vacation or somthin? Whas goin on?

I read in today's paper where two servings a day of vegetables is supposed to help one retain and maintain one's memory. While I dislike veggies in general, it would seem I'm gonna need to increase my intake, cuz otherwise I'm gonna be sittin in my rocker with a blank look on my slack face, drool hanging down on my chin, tellin any one who will listen,

"I'm th cap'm. I'm th Cap't dammit."

And staff walks by, grinnin and shakin their heads sayin,

"hehe Th old Geezer thinks he's a Captain or somthin!"

th cap'm

Subject: Re: TV shows and classic cars
Monday, October 23, 2006 9:36 PM

My good friend, Judy D. who went to H.H. Arnold High School, in Wiesbaden, Germany in 1959, as did I, sent th below email to me and some other friends in relation to a message from another military brat about Amerikan TV shows in Germany at that time.

Judy wrote,

"We were in Wiesbaden from ‘59 to ‘63, so we missed a lot of those shows too. I remember in Germany at the time, there were about 2 channels with sporadic TV. Once in a while they'd have a Bonanza or Gunsmoke episode, dubbed in German, when the Indian would ride up, and instead of saying, "How" (which was stupid anyway), he'd say, "Guten tag."

My favorite part of German TV was the half hour to 45 minutes of commercials that they'd have all lumped together in one time frame. They were basically cartoons and simple language - easy way to learn some basic German.

But I do remember listening to AFN (American Forces News) radio, and their shows were like a throwback to the ‘30s and ‘40s - shows like "The Shadow", etc.

I remember when we got back to southern Cal in ‘63, some people actually had color TV sets, and a few shows were even in color!!!

As far as cars were concerned, I wish my father were around now to see the Highway Patrol car photos. He was always a car nut.(She is referring here to some photos this guy had sent her of a replica of th ‘55 Buick that Broderick Crawford drove in th mid-‘50s TV show called, Highway Patrol. CH)

Some may remember that I was one of the few kids at Gen HH Arnold HS who had her own car - a 1957 Chrysler Imperial - that big boat! (My father got it for me because I was not very good at walking – especially in ice and snow - only a few months after my leg amputation.) I can tell you, that car got a lot of attention - both from my peers, and from the Germans too.

He drove a Tucker demonstration model throughout California around 1948. I remember people would stop in their tracks when they'd see us coming. It was quite innovative. Any of you remember it? According to my father, he even showed it to Howard Hughes, who was interested in buying the fleet of automobile and giving it his own name. (Preston Tucker refused to change the name, so the deal never went through).

See what you started here, Carl?


OK, so I wrote Judy back.

"Hi judy, i remember watching The Lone Ranger at that time and at the beginning of the show, instead of saying,

"Hi Ho Silver, Away!"

it would be dubbed,

"Achtung Silver, fahrt".

which of course, being dumb teenagers, always greatly amused us. as you may recall, this sez basically,

"C'mon. Silver! Let's Go!"

The other one that always cracked me up was when a cowboy would walk into the local saloon, with the obligatory rinky-tink piano playing in the background, and the guys sitting there playing poker, and a couple of hombres standin there at the bar throwin down some shots of whiskey, he would say somthing like,

"So....was ist los in dese gasthous?"

or mebbe it was,

"So....was ist los in dese beerstube?"

It always got a chuckle from me tho.

th cap'm

Perhaps you need to know a smattering of German to appreciate any of this.ised too?

th cap'm

Subject: Nightmare On Walnut Street
Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:07 PM

Y'know, about ten days ago I was bringing in my mail and suddenly, I felt a reely sharp, stinging jolt of pain in my finger. I flung th envelopes to th floor. My middle finger hurt like hell. Within minutes it started swelling and turning red. There was a tiny little red spot there on th underside of it. Soon my whole hand was swollen. I couldn't straighten it out nor could I close it. It was, like, frozen in a claw like shape. Oh man, I'm not kiddin, it was really painful.

Th thing is; I didn't know whether it was a spider, bee, wasp or what, cuz I couldn't find it. I was afraid it mighta been a black widow, or maybe a brown recluse. I was tempted to call th ER to see if I should go in, but, since I was able to breathe and my tongue didn't start swelling too. I jus tuffed it out. And survived!

Th next day, th swelling in my hand had gone down but my finger was still fat as a big cigar. (I thought of Monica Lewinsky) Th swelling in my finger tho didn't go down til Monday. I kept havin nightmares tho that this demon critter was still somewhere in my house and would be back to finish th job.

Well, that didn't happen, so I put th whole affair outta my mind. That is, until a few hours ago, when I spied a wasp crawlin on my lampshade. I didn't have anything to swat him with so I went into th kitchen to get my Raid, but when I came back, th sneaky bastard was gone! I used my flashlight and looked for him everywhere. but I couldn't find him.

Do you think that coulda been th same critter who attacked me last week? Could he have lived that long here in my house without any nectar to feed on, without me ever seein him, do you think?

Do you think he might crawl into my bed and attack me while I'm sleeping tonite? Do you think he might sting me on my nose? Oh boy, that would hurt. I know th sunuvabitch's jus hiding, waiting for me to turn out th lights so he can creep up on me. Is there some way I could set a trap for him? Dammit, it's hard for me to lye here and read and try and relax knowing he's out there, plotting.
Sheeit. I'm going to be looking over my shoulder for weeks to come. Oh woe.

th cap'm

Subject: Oh shit
Saturday, October 21, 2006 7:37 PM

I jus re-read my previous message and saw my blatant mistake there. How embarrasing, specially in a piece criticizing others for stupid mistakes. All I can say is; I was drunk and under th influence of drugs too, and bein molested by a priest at th time. can you forgive me?

th cap'm

Subject: What's Going On Here
Saturday, October 21, 2006 7:28 PM

It always amuses me, and annoys me too, when I read a "period" book and th author throws in some current day slang, which no one at that time woulda used.

Like, I recently read a book which took place in Los Angeles in th '40s, and this kid's father told him that he was going to have to go to a new school and th kid screamed, "NOT" and ran cryin from th room. See, in th "40s, peoples didn't use that expression.

OK, check this out. Here are some dumb lines from a book called Jacob's Ladder by Donald McCaig.

"What do you do when you're not working?"

"Sometimes I go to the matinee."

"If you came here more often instead of wasting time at the movies you would get finished earlier."

Now, see, what makes this so dumb is th fact that this is a book written about th Civil War and I'm pretty damned sure they didn't they any steeenking movies then. Movies in th 1860s? Yeah, right! I think westerns were popular then, weren't they?! Sheeeit! If I were a present day journalist interviewing this author today I would have to ask him,

"What were you thinking when you wrote those lines? What was going thru your mind at th time? And if you could speak directly to your readers right now, what would you like to say to them?"

Oh, by th way, and this has nothing whatsoever to do with th above, but I jus learned a couple of days ago a surprising and shocking thing from watchin th TeeVee.

Jessica Simpson is 5' 3" tall!!!

How can she be only 5' 3" tall? I thought, when I happened to think of her at all, that she must be 5' 11" tall, at least. Maybe 6'. Not that there's any thing wrong with bein 5' 3"! Heck, some of th finest peoples I've ever known weren't that tall, but still......I was surprised. How bout you boyz and gurlz? Are you surprised too?

th cap'm

Subject: I Gotta a Question For Ya!
Date: Saturday, October 21, 2006 1:03 PM

OK, boyz and gurlz, this is where Sister Mary Louise used to say,

"I want you to put your thinking caps on now!"

Which do you think is th more powerful and prestigious? A Senator or a Governor? Would you rather be a Senator from your home state, or th Governor? Now I think if you were to ask some one if they would rather be th Governor of California or th Senator from Wyoming, I think most people, (tho I could be wrong cuz there are many California-phobes out there) would pick th Governor of California. But I'm jus talkin here in general terms.

Now my first inclination would lean towards bein a Senator. There you have th opportunity, albeit small, to shape National Policy. As a Governor tho, you are in effect th President of a "country" i.e. your state. So you would exercise quite a bit of power in that one part of th whole.

And on further reflection, recent history has proven th Governorship to be a pretty good political platform. Witness President Carter, former Gov. of Georgia, President Raygunn, former Gov. of California, President Clnton, former Gov. of Arkansas, fr'chrissake, and Georgie-Porgie, former Gov. of The Great State of Texas. (as it's referred to there)

So, it would seem that a Governorship is not to be taken lightly. So, what say you? Senator or Governor?

th cap'm

Subject: A Wondrous Experience, while shopping on the Plahza.
(open 9 to 6)

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:13 AM

Well, I 'm afraid I caused quite a stir in the Country Club Plaza yesterday. I was strolling sedately there down the sidewalk, 'on the amble', as they say, just killing some time, when I happened to glance up in the sky. It was a clear day with just a few clouds. I don't know what prompted me to look up when I did but I just felt a compulsion to do so. I was almost knocked off my feet by what I saw there and was stunned almost to the point of speechlessness, But, not quite!


I shrieked! These two elderly ladies next to me went,

"Where? Where?"

and I said,

"There! There!"

and I pointed to a cloud formation. And they said.

"What is it?"

And some other people started to gather around, wondering what all the pointing and commotion was all about. And I said,

"Don't you see it? It's the Blessed Virgin Mary"

And peoples were saying,

"I don't see it! Where?"

And throughly exasperated by their blind stupidity, I screamed,


And one of the little old ladies said,

"YES! YES! I can see it now too!"

and she dropped to her knees while making the sign of the cross. And then the rest of the people started seeing it too. Well, at least the rest of the people who were Catholics, that is. I don't know why, but for some reason, Protestants just seem to be unable to recognize phenomena like this. It just goes right by them. (Ditto Jewish folks)

There were also three Hare Krishna persons who stopped their chanting,and dancing about, to titter and giggle amongst themselves, at the naiveté of some people, and to take advantage of the break to re-arrange their robes and to re-tune their drums and tambourines. (yes doubting Thomas's, tambourines can be tuned)

Well, anyway, it was pandemonium there for a bit. Some peoples went into a nearby flower shop, buying large bouquets, and began flinging them in the direction of the apparition. Tears of Joy and Bliss were running down the faces of many, and some began to swoon and lose their balance at the Sheer Wonder of it all.

Then, just a few seconds later however, one of the crowd said,

"Look! Look! It's changing!"

and the crowds murmured "Yes! Yes! It is!"

And someone said,

"Now it looks like a food processor."

And someone else said,

"No, No. It's the Battle of Waterloo!"

And then, everyone began to see something different. And all of a sudden, just like that! The whole spiritual energy and magical bond that had developed just dissipated, fizzled like a punctured balloon.....and was gone. And the crowds of folks who had gathered, looked at each other, kinda foolishly, wondering how they had got caught up in such nonsense, and sheepishly went on about their business as tho nothing had happened.

Not me though. It was still a hugely profound experience for two or three minutes there and I knew that Nothing would ever be th same again and that my Life had changed Forever!

Until, that is, I went into Baskins-Robbins and immersed myself in a sublime trinity of their choices and I sat there slurping and closed my eyes and I tried to recall my experience a few minutes earlier on th sidewalk, but I was lost in th overwhelming taste sensations, and I realised that in fact, nothing had changed! And that my Life was still th same ol dreary Life it was! And I thought to myself.

"Oh well."

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: Wolesale and design all kinds of caskets and urns for pet and human in good price for the world.
Date: Friday, October 20, 2006 1:36 AM

Say ya'll I'm pasing this on to you jus in case ya might be in th market. If ya tell em I sent you maybe they'll give ya a discount.

I myself jus recently went into th used casket market, and I suppose that is how Charlie Lee got my addy. If I can be of any assistance, please contact me at Crazy Charley's Used Caskets and Urns. 2012 Grim Reaper Rd, Deadsville, Mo. 64666. By th way, if I'm not available, jus ask for my assistant Smoky Dyer.

th cap't

P.S. This month's special is a striking candy apple red urn, with golden flames. It has only been used twice and is in pristine condition. Your friends will be envious indeed when they spot this unique piece on your mantel. Don't wait, this one won't last long.

From: "Charlie Lee" <>
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 18:54:31 +0800
Subject: Wolesale and design all kinds of caskets and urns for pet and human in good price for the world.

Dear Capthoohah,

We understand from your information posted by chance, and got to know you are in the market for caskets and urns.

We are very pleased to write this letter to express our desire to build a long-term business relationship with you.

We specialized in manufacturing all kinds of caskets and urns for pet and human.
We has proud innovation history of five years. Our products are marketed to Hongkong, Taiwan, Australia, Europe and America, etc. With complete sets for production, we are capable to design in-house and manufacture diverse wooden coffins and urns of specifications.

If you are interested with them, you are welcome to visit our website to obtain the useful information.

Our website:

For any information, please feel free to contact with me.
We hope that your business is successful!
Looking forward to your early reply.

Thanks & best regards!
Charlie Lee
Tanglong International Group INC

Address: No.8 East-nonglin Road, Jiangmen, Guangdong, China (Mainland)
Zip: 529030
Telephone: 86-0750-3682758
Fax: 86-0750-3682758

Subject: A Cap't Consumer Alert
Thursday, October 19, 2006 5:44 PM

Last night, while sitting there at the bar, I was watching the news. I'm not sure what channel it was on and I couldn't hear what they were saying because they didn't have the sound on, but it was their consumer protection segment and it was about a re-call of Tommy Hilfiger socks!

Thas right. A re-call of socks. Now this was a first for me cuz I personally have never heard of anyone re-calling socks before. Whas up with that? I mean, do they have loose threads, causing peoples to fall on their heads, as they pad about their dwellings? Are they subject maybe to spontaneous combustion. Do they have a tendency to roll over when taking evasive action? I dunno, but I have been concerned about this issue ever since that was brought it to my attention last night. I even had a bad dream about it, where one of my socks malfunctioned, causin me to run into a wall head first before I was able to stop.

I have been thinking all day long about all the peoples out there who are nonchalantly going about their business in their Hilfiger socks, completely unaware of the grave danger they are in. Just as a Public Service, ya might spread the word around. Send out yur E-mails, put flyers on neighbor's windshields, etc. Do whutever it takes to get th word out.

Remember! Friends don't let friends ramble about in dangerous, un-safe socks!

th cap'm

Subject: The times; they are a'changin'
Date: Thursday, October 19, 2006 5:26 PM

A couple of weeks ago I drove by a park and there were scores of little girls, oh maybe, 4 to 6 yrs. old, and all their parents and relatives. And all these lil darlings were somersaulting and cartwheeling around in their little outfits, much to the delight of all present.

But sheeit, I mean, what is happening here? See, like, when I was a kid, little gurls on the block left that sort of thing to us guys. If there was any kind of somersaulting or cartwheeling to be done in the neighborhood, well, we took care of that, while they played with their dolls and did other appropriate gurl-type activities. Y'know, if ya needed a tree to be climbed, well we took care of that. If there were any birds foolish enuff to come into our 'hood, well we got out th old Daisy BB guns and started blazin away.

What kind of training for their futures is this? How are they going to catch a mate wastin their time cartwheeling around and stuff, when what they need to know is; how to fetch things, and mop and, you know, all that kind of stuff. I think this sort of thing definitely contributes to the 'attitude' a lot of gurls give you, when you simply ask them to fetch your smokes, or something. They go,

"What?! Are you a cripple or something? Do I look like the fucking maid? Get your own godam cigarettes!'

And I go, like,

"You mean you're not the maid?? Well, who in the Fuck is the maid then?? And who's going to do all this type stuff around here if you're not? Whut? Y'wanna live in a pig-sty or somthin?"

See...... they get this kind of attitude when they're young. Now, these days, you ask some gurl you've just met to come by your house and clean your kitchen, and they give you this wide-eyed incredulous look, like you're from Mars or something! Go figure!

Now, all these little Princesses just want you to put th toilet seat down for em and buy em a Margarita. And, this all started? Thas right! When they were just little tots, out in the park cartwheeling and somersaulting and tumbling about, gettin weird ideas about how they can do anything, when they should have been at home, learning the proper way to fold their future loved ones underwear, and darn his socks, and so on, and so forth.

It's no wonder frustrated guys pick up their guns and go to the mall, know whut ahm sayin!

th cap'm

P.S. I know there are a lotta gurls out there who'd like my address, but I'm not givin it out, cuz I also know they wouldn't be comin here to clean my kitchen!

Subject: How've you been?
Sunday, October 15, 2006 11:48 PM

Last nite I saw a gurl I hadn't seen for quite a while. I saw her making her way down th bar sayin hello to various peoples and when she got down to where I was sittin, by way of greeting I said,

"Well hi there. Long time no see. How've you been?"

And she replied without missin a beat,

"I jus got out of prison last week and now I'm free. I was in prison for 14 months. Well not actually prison, but it felt like it. I've been in an abusive relationship and I got tired of my boyfriend knocking me around. After th last black eye I said, 'thas it' and I moved out. Now I'm free again. I'm hiding from him right now. He has turned everyone I know against me. My family, my friends, my children, everyone. He's th biggest asshole I've ever known in my life and I hate him. He wants me to come back and he said he misses me and things will be different, but this time I'm not going to. It'll never work out. I should have realised that after th first two times."

And she paused to take a breath, and said,

"And now I'm three months pregnant with th sunuvabitche's kid." And she patted her tummy.

Finally, I had to interrupt her, before she reely got rollin. I said,

"So......other than that, everything's OK huh!"

I have given you only a brief response of everything she said. There was plenty more, but I think you get th drift. I mean, shit, all I said was th perfunctory, strictly rhetorical, "How've you been?" I reely wasn't interested in her blow by blow account of her most recent guy who beats her up. Cuz this dude is jus one of a string of guys who preceded him.

After years of hearin her stories, it's kinda hard to ramp up much sympathy any more, y'know what I mean! She's already got three kids from different guyz, none of whom she has custody of. So she's sittin there drinkin her Red Bulls and smokin, (she doesn't believe in that non-sense about smokin while you're pregnant) tellin her tale of woe and deliverance to each person she talked to. All of whom have heard her story before. Th story's always th same; jus th names change.

I'm tellin you all this, jus as a reminder to be careful th next time you ask somebody,

"So, how've you been?"

Cuz you may get a lot more than you bargained for!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Old People Having Sex Haiku.
Sunday, October 15, 2006 10:52 PM

Last nite I was talkin to my buddy Bryan. During th course of our discourse, Bryan mentioned to me a haiku concerning old peoples havin sex, which I found highly amusin. Here it is for your enjoyment too.

moving in tandem
i shatter your other hip
maybe we should stop

Ha ha. Now c'mon, reely, isn't that pretty funny!

By th way, Bryan is also th guy who hipped me to XP-14, and I in turn passed that crucial info on to ya'll. Perhaps you may recall back in late June, I warned of th imminent Destruction of Humanity on July 3rd, due to this large asteroid's upcoming collision with the Third Stone >From th Sun. Said stone being Mother Earth itself, and you and me and everybody else on this rock would have been th soon-to-be-destroyed Humans.

But, well, um, as you noticed, and some peoples jus couldn't wait to point that out to me, it missed. Ooops. Um.... yeah. I kinda dropped thball on that one, eh. hehe. But, ya know, hey, it was still a close call. It flew by a little over one LU away. (Lunar Unit) See in terms of th Universe, 270,000 miles is a puny, puny distance. So, altho, technically speaking, I was in error, not by very much actually, cuz in terms of th Universe, it was extremely close.

Th thing is; Armageddons and Apocalypses and End of th World Scenarios can be tricky ta predict sometimes, and I'm not th first one to blow that call. I'm a bit concerned tho that I may have lost some Credibility and as result of that loss, th next time I got an inside track on th End of th World, some peoples won't take me seriously. sigh But hey, it's one of th burdens of th Visionary, and I accept it y'know!

Sensei never promised me a rose garden!

th cap'm

Subject: The Cap't Keeps You Abreast Of Late Breaking News
Friday, October 13, 2006 3:36 PM

Forget N. Korea, th election, Mark Foley, et al.

FLASH!! This just in from one of my highly secret, confidential, Cuban connections. (Huggy Bear) I am told that Elian Gonzales (you remember him) was seen doing the Makerena (you remember that) in a Havana discotheque (you remember those) just last night. Thas right! What is the deal here? He didn't do no steeenking Makarena when he was our guest and we bought him every kind of toy a seven (?) year old could possibly want, did he?

You'd think he could have done the Makarena for us too, wouldn't you? He coulda done it on Barbara Walters show or something, si? But, noooooooo. Cute lil Elian waits til he gets back to Cuba, then he does it.

Which brings us to th question; why do the Cubans get all the good stuff? While we in this country don't get shit, you know whut I mean? It just don't seem fair. They get it all. Hey, you know why you can't buy you a ‘55 Cheevy? Cuz the fucking Cubans got em all, that's why!!! And they say,

"Hey ese, fuck those Norte Americano yankee bastards! We got all the '55 Cheevys and we're keeping em all for ourselves. So, Chinga tu Madre, eh gringo!"

See, these greedy Cuban assholes haven't learned yet, as a nation, to “share” with those others who are not as fortunate as themselves. Obviously, what we need to do is shove a little Democracy down their throats. That'd teach em to mess with us!

And speaking of the Makarena, what kind of name for a dance is that anyway? I mean, it's not th hokey-pokey, or th bunny hop, or th dirty boogie!! It sounds like something one would eat with their spaghetti or something.

Well, fuck it! I don't care! I'm hanging up my dancing shoes after last night anyways. Sheeeeit man, I copped me some X last nite, went to a rave, and did the Macaroni for 12 straight hours!!! Non stop. Man you know, that dance can get pretty boring after about six hours. Those last six were just too much for me!! I don't wanna do no more Makaluchi any more! ever again!!.

So....Elian and the Cubanos can have their Macaca-rena til the sun don't shine no more for all I care!!

th cap'm

Subject: Seat up, Seat down? The Controversy Continues
Friday, October 6, 2006 12:52 PM

My friend Joe sent th below to me in response to my thoughts on th matter.



One would think that the girl would always want to be in charge of putting up the seat. They have a lot more to lose, they have to siton the thing.



I wrote Joe back thusly.


Well you would think so Joe, wouldn't you? But you have to keep in mind these critters have a pretty narrow and limited understanding of their options in this situation. They have been so throughly brainwashed their entire lives to expect the seat to be in the “down” position, it just throws them into a complete tizzy to find it otherwise. Their only response is to throw their hands in the air and go,
"EEEEK. Omigod! Whatever will become of me now!"

But you seem to have missed my point Joe. Y'see, under my program, they would simply train themselves to squat and hover over th bowl, thereby never making any contact at all. Hygiene problem solved!

Gurls could form support groups where they could get together and not only “share their feelings” about it all, but could practice their techniques, all the time being encouraged with positive input from their sistahs, as in,

"You go, gurl!"

I don't understand why every time I bring up this solution I meet with such vocal and vehement opposition? Or else stony faced silence!Y'know, complete with "th Look". You know th look I mean. Disdain and disgust galore. Surely there must be a diplomatic solution to this problem, but their intransigence makes dialog difficult, at best. Sheeit, ya might as well try and get the Palestinians to recognize Israel's right to exist! Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to try and solve th worlds problems? It's a thankless job. I dunno.Y'know what tho, I'll bet George Bush never wrangles with such doubts!

th cap'm

Subject: Seat up?...Seat down?....Who cares? No big deal!
Thursday, October 5, 2006 11:55 PM

This past Saturday night I was goin to use th restroom in th bar we jokingly refer to as, "the Executive John". We call it this because it is off th kitchen and off th beaten path, and is only supposed to be used by “staff.” However, over th years th owners have graciously allowed a number of “regulars,” including myself, access there. So guyz and gurlz both use this facility.

Well, this gurl and I approached it at th bsame time and being th. "gentleman" that I am, I deferred, and said,

"Go ahead. I'll wait". (I'm sorry dudes, I can't help it; thas jus the way I was raised)

Well, when she came out, she said,

"Charley, I raised th seat for you."

and I said,

"Well, thanks sweetie"

and I thought that was cool, and I was pleased, but somewhat taken aback by her gesture. I mean, this is not very common, y'know fer a gurl to do this. I thought to myself,

"Sheeit, here is a most unusual gurl person who was obviously payin attention in “Bathroom Etiquette 101”. I wonder what happened to th rest of her sistahs? Did they all ditch class that day?"

It is so gratifyin and refreshin to see that some gurls remember and practice that, "old time courtesy," and still show proper deference to us. Y'know, "Us" bein, "guy" as it were. It reminded me of what we used to refer to as, "the good old days" when things were so much simpler. Like, fr'instance, I always thought th old Japanese tradtion of th woman walkin several paces behind her Man in a show of Deference and Respect commendabe, but I unnerstan times change. Oh well, Sigh!

Now we have this “seat up, seat down” dilemma dividing our country.

Personally, though, this is one of those areas where I've never really had a problem to begin with, since it makes no difference to me whether the seat is up..... or down.... or sideways, for that matter, cuz, when th situation calls for it, I'm gonna take a leak. PERIOD!! And lets jus hope for the best!! OK!

But I think gurls could use this same attitude, if they so choose. If, when confronted by a raised seat, and if they are jus toooo dainty to lower th seat all by themselves; then take the situation.... AS IS!!

OK, Now looky here, if you, as a gurl person should decide to go this route, do not be discouraged by early results. You can do eeet! Keep trying! It will take a bit of practice and remember, there will always be some mistakes; jus brush them aside. After all, no one's perfect! What th heck, I find that I, myself, even after all these many years, am still occassionally "errant."

th cap'm

Subject: Meetin th Ol Man
Thursday, October 5, 2006 9:35 PM

Last nite I was rappin with this dude at th bar. He was tellin me he was workin three jobs. I asked him why he felt it was necessary to work so much. I suggested he quit two of th jobs, make do with less, kick back a bit, and relax.

He said he couldn't do that cuz he had an 18 y/o daughter goin to an expensive private school in California. He told me his little angel called him everyday at 3:30. Every day with out fail. She's never missed a day. He talked glowingly and proudly about her.

He told me that just a few days ago that when his daughter called, she wanted to introduce him to her boyfriend over th phone.

OK, now this guy, I'll call him Frankie, jus fer th hell of it, is a pretty intimidating lookin guy. Big dude with shaved head and rolls of fat on th back of his head where most peoples have a neck. A dozen tattoos from his wrists to his shoulders. I think ya prolly wouldn't wanna piss him off.

So his little pixie daughter puts her boyfriend on th line. Th young guy sez,

"Hello Sir, how are you?"

Frankie sez back to im,

"Hey, listen, ya don't have to be so formal. Ya don't have to call me Sir, OK! Ya can jus call me Frankie"

and th kid sez,

"OK, Frankie, I'll remember that."

And Frankie sez,

"I jus wanna get one thing straight wit'cha, jus so ya know where I'm comin from; if you get in my baby's pants, I got FIVE ACRES, A SHOTGUN, AND A SHOVEL and I'm a fuckin butcher by trade!!! So.......ya unnerstan where I'm comin from?"

And th kid sez,

"Yes SIR, I understand!"

And Frankie said.

"It was nice meetin ya, now put my daughter back on th phone will'ya!

Sometimes meetin yer girl friend's parents, especially th ol man, can be kinda stressful eh! Ha ha

th cap'm

Subject: Chapter 13, The Saga Continues
Tuesday, October 3, 2006 10:34 AM

Yesterday a friend of my landlord stopped by to collect th rent. He has been given power of attorney over Alan's affairs. He says everything here will be th same. That I will not need to move. That was good news, cus I figured that I was gonna have to be leavin pretty soon

Bail was set at 500,000 dollars so they had to come up with 50,000 in cash for th bail bond. He is now in a psychiatric hospital till his case comes up in a couple of weeks.

I talked with one of my neighbors across th street Saturday nite and he told me at one time a couple of weeks ago, they had th house staked out and there were two detectives in his condo watching thru th window and EIGHT cops hiding behind his retaining wall. I had no idea I had all these cops hiding out right across th street jus waitin for him to show up. I'm jus glad he didn't stop by at th same time I was pulling in my driveway.

His friend said when they arrested Alan, they threw him to th ground really hard and tasered him twice. Alan is maybe 5" 7" and weighs about 130 lbs. Maybe! I guess they weren't taking any chances tho since Alan had threatened to kill a judge and her deputy and any one tryin to arrest him.

In th seven or eight times th cops were here they never would tell me why they were lookin for him tho. They jus said they wanted to question him as part of an ongoing investigation. Three hours after th last time they were here I heard on th news on TV why they were looking for him. Considering how dangerous they considered him, with ten cops staking out th house, ya woulda thought they coulda clued me in, don'cha think?

So boyz and gurlz, things are quiet here in th neighborhood once again. Sigh.
th cap'm

P.S. At one time I had another crazy person who lived in th basement apt. who used to yell and scream obscenities at th TV all night, while simultaneously my landlord upstairs was yellin and screamin at his Demons, and I was caught right in th middle! It was like Lunatic Surround Sound. Why do these Loony Tunes always live above, below and next door to me? Don't they have places where crazy peoples can go and be crazy with others, jus like themselves and they can all “share” their craziness with each other and leave me th fuck alone so I can get some sleep between 3 and 6 in th morning? Huh?

Subject: Th Cap'm Backs Down From A Challenge. Ssssh, don't tell any one.
Monday, October 2, 2006 4:09 AM

I hate to admit to stuff like this. It bothers me, but th fact is; I did!! Earlier today, I was challenged rather publicly to an arm wrassling contest. Now when I was younger, I woulda accepted that challenge in a heartbeat. I mean, it's not that I was very good at it; it's jus that I didn't often lose. Well, I didn't often win either! But th thing is, I was surprisingly good at getting th draw. For me a draw was plenty OK. A comment I heard more than a few times was,

"Fer a skinny fuck, yer stronger than ya look!"

At one time I had th rather dubious distinction in th saloon of never having been beaten by a gurl. Yeah, I know, “dubious,” like I said. Man, one time this one gurl, she was a big critter too, came sooo close to puttin my knuckles to th table. I shudder even now, thinkin bout it 30 years later how close she came. But I held on fer th draw! Sheeit, my arm was sore fer a week! When I went to work at my house painting gig th following Monday, one of th guys on th crew asked me what was wrong with my arm, and I told im I strained it carrying my refrigerator up two flights of stairs, or somethin or other like that.

So, like today this female challenged me to an arm wrasslin contest right there in yer Sunday after church Appleby's crowd. And I had to back down. Couldn't do it. And several peoples at nearby tables heard it too. I said,

"Mother, I'm not gonna arm wrassle you!!!"

And she said,

"Oh c'mon. You remember how Jason (my son, her grandson) and I used to do that at th kitchen table?! Are you chicken? Are you afraid I'll beat you?"

And she was serious too. I noticed several peoples casually glancing our way to see if I was gonna accept or not. I said, quietly, slowly, word by word, pretty emphatically,


It seems that a few days earlier at her doctors, in a routine strength test, he had told her she had th arm strength of an 80 year old. I guess she figured I would make a good test subject of that assessment? I didn't even bother to tell her of my unbroken record with others of her gender. She prolly woulda jus thought I was makin that up anyway cuz I was chicken!

th cap'm

Subject: Capt Hoohah, former highly decorated Cub Scout, carries on.
Monday, October 2, 2006 3:05 AM

This may come as a surprise to a lotta folks, but at one time in my childhood, I was an exemplary Cub Scout. I'm not smokin ya. I had a Merit Badge fer every danged thing th Cub Scouts gave one out fer. I could see my future mapped out fer me. My next logical step was to graduate to th Boy Scouts, and to ultimately, invariably, attain th pinnacle in Scouthood; th Eagle Scout!!

Altho, like many childish dreams, based on nonsense and bullshit, this one never came to fruition.

About th age of 10 or 11, I came to realize what a fascist, jingoistic organization th whole Scouting operation was. Fuck my Duty to my Country, and to my Den Father, and to my Den Brothers. My Den Brothers!! Sheeit. How could ya pledge allegiance to a bunch of jerks like I was saddled with in my Den? Hell, none of those guyz could tie a knot, or tell th difference between a palm tree and a pine tree. They wouldn't have known a Baltimore Oriole from a Cerulean Warbler. By th way, not ta brag or anythin, but I had Merit badges in all those fields. My whole golden sash was crammed full of fuckin Merit Badges. I was runnin outta room fer badges.

But in spite of all th Nazi-Youth-type bullshit propaganda I was fed, some things of merit stay with ya. Like, today fr'instance. I performed what used to be known as a "Good Deed". I don't guess I need to tall ya, I had a Citizenship Merit Badge on my sash too.

I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, even tho I had Merit Badges coming outta my ass at one time, this woulda got me at least an Oak Leaf Cluster to add to my Citizenship Badge.

Earlier today I was crusin along yer Ward Pkwy in th Plazah District, when I noticed a guy and his two kids of maybe 3 and 5, fishin there in th Brush Creek waterway, (or whatever ya wanta call it) One of th kiddies had jus snagged a fish and they were puttin it in a bucket. I figured these must be out-of-towners cuz I think most Kansas Citians know better than to do anything like that.

At one time, that water was so contaminated that they warned peoples not to have any contact with it whatsoever. They turned th fountains off for fear that on windy days, shoppers in th Plazah might pick up a bit of th overspray and become ill.

So I wheeled around th block and got outta my car and approached them. I asked th dude where he was from and he said they were jus visiting from Arkansas. Yep, jus like I figured. Foreign yahoos!

I clued him in and gave him a brief history of th sewer, (which is basically what it is) they were fishin out of. I suggested he and th kiddies would be a lot healthier and live longer if they drove a few blocks south to th Loose Park Lagoon. Perhaps you recall me tellin ya of some of my duck hunting forays there. Well anyway, he thanked me profusely and wanted to buy me a new Mercedes fer saving their lives, but I jus said,

"Aw shucks. Thas OK, I wuz jus bein neighborly. And besides, now I can get that Oak Leaf Cluster fer my Citizenship Badge."

and he said,

And I jus said,

"Never mind, ya'll have a nice day now, heah!"

Who knows? Mebbe one day one of those two young boyz whose lives I saved will grow up to become a City Councilman back there in Little Rock!

th cap'm

Subject: I Told You So!!!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006 4:09 PM

This is what I tell peoples justifying my life long aversion to that most horrible of veggies; SPINACH!

But did they ever listen? Nooooo. Instead, they extolled its health benefits, tried to convert me, blah, blah, blah. Now look what happened! See, this is jus an another example of what a better world it would be if peoples jus paid more attention to ME. But, like most of my advice, this too fell on deaf ears. Sigh! Do peoples never learn?

th cap'm

P.S. Do ya think there's even th remote possibility at all, that this was an act of Bio-Terrorism?

Subject: Geezers; take note. Another one bites th dust!
Monday, September 25, 2006 12:51 AM

Perhaps you remember th huge instrumental hit in 1958 by "The Champs" called, "Tequila!"? One of my all-time favorite songs from th ‘50s.

Do you remember th only words in th song where th guy with th deep bass voice said in a heavy Mexican accent, "TE-QUII-LAAA!" Well, he was also th saxman and his name was Danny Flores and I read in yesterday's paper
where he checked out. SALUD!

th cap'm

Subject: Another Motorists Strikes A Blow For Freedom From Tyranny
Sunday, September 24, 2006 9:53 PM

My good friend Ernie wrote me th following today.


"Once one of these two-wheeled jerks cut me off in my van and proceeded to ride in circles in front of me so I couldn't pull away from the stop sign. He was all laughing and smirking. Until I got out of the van.

I grabbed him and his ubber-lite-touch-me-fuck-me ride. When I jerked the bike out from underneath him he was surprised. When I threw this $1000 bike over a fence into the treetops, he was appalled. When I grabbed him and explained how I was a peaceful man and it really, really hurt me to have to bitch-slap him and throw him down the shoulder like I was dwarf-bowling, he was starting to understand the ramifications of fucking with someone who will fuck back -- in spades, as it were.


(Well, I found his attitude refreshing and inspiring. I replied back. ch)


Ha ha Well Ernie, I certainly did like your approach in dealing with that punk riding around in circles in front of your van. It's just too bad some one wasn't there with a video cam to record the whole incident. We could have included it in a training video all new license applicants must watch called,

"Dealing With Irate Bicyclist Who Feel You've Dis-respected Them, And How To De-fuse A Volatile Situation,"

By the way, do you remember when if you wanted to ride your bike, you just got on it and rode it. It didn't matter what you were wearing at the time. The biggest preparation you might make simply involved rolling up your right pants leg, so as not to get it caught in the chain. It wasn't necessary for you to go and change into your color co-ordinated riding outfit matching your Official Professional Bicycle Helmet?

Of course then, we weren't riding bikes making a statement of our, "Hipness Factor" and to be "seen." We were just riding for the fucking fun of it. And we sure as hell didn't deliberately ride our bikes in front of a car, with the notion in mind that,

"Hey You! I'm a vehicle too. I dare you to hit me. nyah, nyah, nyah"

Cuz we knew we were on a fucking bicycle!!!!


I think when we round up all those illegal aliens, and send em all back where they came from, while we're at it, we oughta round up all our bicyclists and send them along with them. Let em ride their bikes to th Mexican strawberry fields. I'll bet none of the other strawberry pickers will be so sartorially splendid!

th cap'm

Subject: Why Haven't Any Politicians Taken Up This Issue?
Saturday, September 23, 2006 10:19 PM

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a letter to th Pitch in response to a letter from a disgruntled bicyclist. They said they were gonna print it, but I haven't seen it yet.

Today I sent this to th Star. I was inspired, nay, in fact I was compelled, to respond to three letters in th Thurs. edition from bicyclists complaining about their "rights" to use th public streets and th vile motorists who abused them. Give. me. a. fucking. break! Pleeeze!

If there is another group of peoples, besides bicyclists, who blatantly break th laws more openly and more frequently, with total impunity than any body else, I'd like to know who it is?

Have ya ever seen a bicyclist come to a complete stop at a stop sign if th traffic was clear?

Have ya ever sat at a stop light and watched th bicyclist slow down (maybe) and then proceed to cross th street? Fuck stopping, Thas only fer motorists.

Have you ever seen a bicyclist who paid th slightest bit of attention to a one-way street sign?

On th sidewalk, down onto th street, cross th street in mid block, ride against th traffic, back up onto th sidewalk, pedestrians get th fuck outta th way.

Ride yer bike at nite time. No headlights, no tail lights, no brake lights, no turn signals, no horn, no mirrors, not even any reflectors of any kind, no nothin. NO PROBLEM! That penny-ante bullshit equipment is only fer motorists. Don't apply to you.Yer on a bike!

Got yer license with you? It's OK! Ya don't need no steeenking license. Yer on a bike!!

License plate on yer bike expired? Oh wait, I forgot. Ya don't need no fucking license plate. It's a fucking bicycle!

Think rilly hard; when was th last time ya saw a cop giving any kind of citation to a bicyclist? Go back thru yer whole life. Yeah, I know, but is th reason ya can't think of even One time, is cuz bicyclists are such a law-abiding, responsible lot?

Is that why they jus don't get tickets? I don't fucking think so!! They absolutely don't have to obey those laws and they damn well know it, and they don't. But that still doesn't stop em from bitchin about those nasty motorists. OK, OK, I know! YOU, or a friend, a relative, whatever, rides a bike alla time and obey all th traffic laws. And ya know what? They're one out of a hundred!

Personally, I think these peoples have been so brain-washed and propagandised in their lawless attitudes that drastic action oughta be taken. To me, that solution for them would be to send em to Re-education Camps, similar to those employed by Pol Pot in Cambodia years ago. And fer additional help, th Chinese methods employed during th "Cultural Revolution" might provide additional clues, but somthin's gotta be done about these critters. Besides th dangers they pose on our thoroughfares, they take jobs away from decent hard working Amerikan families. And they smell too.

Well, I could go on, but, sheeit, I won't cuz I'm startin to get worked up here! In my letter to th Star, I was forced to limit my thoughts to approx 150 words, so I wasn't rilly able to spress myself like I wanted. Letter below.

th cap'm

From: (Charley)
Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 20:23:08 -0500
Subject: Bicyclist/Motorist Differences

Every time I read a whining, snivelling letter from a bicyclist complaining about their 'rights' and the rude motorists who violate them, it really gets my bile flowing. The traffic law has yet to be written that the bicyclist can't, and Do, ignore with complete impunity.

Do you think a single, solitary bicyclist appeared in Municipal Court for a traffic violation last year? Nah. No way.

Some of their "rights" evidently allow them to ride with the traffic, against the traffic, on the sidewalk, on the running path, (joggers and walkers; get out of the way) and just any darned place they feel like it. Keep in mind their so called "vehicle" need never be inspected, nor licensed in any way, nor is it's operator required to have a license of any kind. In short, any Moron can ride a bicycle.

What to do?

I have a simple solution to this dilemma tho. Make it illegal for any person with an IQ of less than 60 to ride a bicycle on a public street. Poof! This would solve 90% of the problems and the rest could be worked out thru negotiations and diplomacy without resorting to War. LOL

th cap'm


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