joe dreck
August 31, 2006

Joe Dreck, the Captain, was never a Ken to any Barbie.

Subject: Arkansas City, Kansas, Hits The BIG TIME
Thursday, August 31, 2006 12:35 PM

I read an article in th Star yesterday that noted that a former police officer from Ark City was one of th guys who escorted John Mark Karr from Thailand back to Boulder. In case you didn't know, he's th Nationally Famous guy who confessed to th murder of a little six year old girl about ten years ago. Her name was Jon Benet Ramsey and her case drew quite a bit of attention.

And even tho this guy Karr has turned out, not to be th killer, altho he confessed to th crime, you know th residents of Ark City are prolly pretty darned proud that some one who used to live right there in Arkansas City was involved in this drama.

So, if you happen to know anyone from there you might wanna call em and congratulate them on their achievement and you might mention you read about it in th Kansas City Star. Of course, I'm sure that everybody in Ark City already knows about it, and are all abuzz in th local cafe and tavern.

Frankly tho, I'm surprised th Star didn't delve into this thing deeper, cuz this is th kinda hard hitting story they dig into. They didn't even mention th officers name. We don't know where he went to high school, or college? We don't know what his landlady thought about him or anything?

Hopefully, one of th local TV stations will take up where th Star left off. This story sounds like it was tailor made for Channel 5, "Live! Late Breaking! Investigative!"

Well, anyway I jus wanted to let you know about this in case you don't take th paper; and if you don't, Shame on you! This is exactly th sort of information you're missing out on, AND YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOUR SELF.

th cap'm

Subject: Another Nail In The Coffin Of Amerikn Culture
Monday, August 28, 2006 10:42 PM

I just heard today where the next season of Survivor is going to pit ethnic groups against each other. Thas right. They're gonna have four teams. One Caucasian, one African-Amerikan, One Asian and one Latino. Is this just unbelievable!?

Can you imagine a guy pitching this insane, classless idea to th brass? You would think they woulda fired his ass right on th spot and had him escorted off th property as bein potentially dangerous. But nooo, as a matter of fact, they approved th fookin idea!

Now, I know what yer thinkin. I can hear yer minds grinding and yer goin; there goes th Cap'm again with one of his foolish, off-th-wall ideas. Where does he come up with this goofy shit?

But nooo, Not Guilty boyz and gurls; this is fer real! They are actually doing this. Does it strike you as a bit racists? Am I th only one who finds this concept outrageously stupid and insensitive in th extreme?

Well sheeit, whut th hell, if they're gonna do that, might I suggest they call th tribes, Th Honkies, or perhaps Th Peckerwoods? Th Niggaz, or maybe Th Spear Chuckers? Th Slant-Eyes, or maybe Th Gooks, and of course, you got Th Beaners, Th Greasers, Th Chili-Shitters or if you prefer, maybe Th Taco-Benders, or jus Th Wetbacks? Scuse me, but these are only my suggestions. I'm sure th peoples who run th show will be able to come up with something apropos.

I'm a bit curious tho, since everybody knows th Jews run Hollywood, (along with th rest of th world when they're not out starting wars) why there aren't a tribe of Kikes? And to offset that, for th sake of fairness, so there's no accusations of Bias, a tribe of Rag-heads too? Think of th Dynamic Tensions these two tribes could present, eh!

Now I read recently where some African-Amerikans had already complained that previous episodes of Survivor had been slanted against A-A's cuz they didn't know how to swim as well as others, thus putting them at a serious disadvantage when "challenges" involved swimming. I wasn't aware of this short coming in African-Amerikans? I have driven by swimming pools before and I didn't notice th lifeguards jumpin in and yankin drownin African-Amerikans outta th water right and left. But mebbe I jus wasn't payin close enuff attention to th plight of th black man, as so many don't.

I'm wondering tho how th Honkies will be able to compete on an equal basis with th Brothas when any challenge involves jumping? Cus, you know, everybody knows white boys can't jump! Or run! Or anything involving physical abilities? And if there's gonna be any dancin goin on, Fuggedaboutit!!

On th other hand, who will be able to match th Gooks problem solving advantage? Cuz every body knows they're smarter than every one else.
And th poor Beaners will be outmatched in in almost everything! Cept maybe th ability to climb fences, pick strawberries, and pack twenty of em in a VW van.

Oh well, fortunately I don't havta worry bout such minor details. All I gotta do is sit back and enjoy th show and root fer my favorite ethnic group. But thas kinda a problem fer me tho, since mi madre's maiden name was Flores. Do I cheer on Chico or Fred? Sigh. As usual, torn between two worlds. One foot in this one, th other foot in that one. What's a half-breed to do?

th cap'm

Subject: Julia Louis-Dreyfus Wins An Emmy. Un-fucking-believable!!
Monday, August 28, 2006 4:08 PM

I jus discovered this about an hour ago. As you may know, I hate this show. I have moaned, and griped and bitched about it often. I hate everything about it; th premise, th casting, th writing, and especially JLD. Now I must say, I thought she was great as Elaine in Seinfeld. Funny, whacky, quirky, y'know, th whole bit.
But in Christine, she's a complete bust. Jus terrible. Tryin too hard to recapture that magic, and foiled by really bad writing, and a dismal supporting cast.

I suppose in an effort not to recreate Elaine all over again, she only has one expression now; th mouth turned down in a sad-sack kinda look. A look of frustration and disappointment. After about ten minutes it gets rilly old, worn out, and trite.

I saw a gurl I know at Osco's a little while ago and she said, more or less, "Yo Charley, didja see where Julia Louis-Dreyfus won an Emmy for her role in Christine?"

I said,

"Yeah, I jus read that a few minutes ago."

And she said, in a gloating kinda mode,

"So..... after all yer bad-mouthing of her show, whadda'ya gotta say now?"

I replied,

"All I gotta say is that; it confirms what I knew all along, and that is that peoples are jus as fucking stoopid as I thought they were!!!"

She said,

"Oh c'mon. you jus don't wanna admit you were wrong!"

I said,

"No, no, thas not it at all. Gimme a break. Take yer mind outta th closet and watch it one time. Watch th same old, tired cliches ya've seen over and over again on every sit-com thas ever been on and tell me you thought it was funny. Sheeit."

I was starting to get worked up and I had to egress th hell outta there before i started "goin off". Ha ha

Th only other possibility for her win was; th FIX was in!!

Thas it boyz and gurlz; there's only those two possibilities;

1. Peoples are stoopid! (that would be my guess)
2. Th whole thing is rigged. (hey, if they can rig a presidential election, how hard would it be to.......)

th cap'm

Subject:"You have waaay too much time on your hands"
Sunday, August 27, 2006 2:52 AM

Whenever some one sez this ta me it rankles a bit. Cuz as a matter of fact, NO, I DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON MY HANDS! OK!?

How in th world can ya have too much time on yer hands? I wish th days were four hours longer myself, and that there were eight days instead of seven in a week.

Usually when peoples say this ta ya they are sayin it in an accusatory, condemning kinda way that is intended ta make ya feel bad or guilty or somthin, cus they think yer activity, or maybe lack of activity they're commenting on, is a waste of time. But whose time? Hey It's my time and I'll do whatever th hell I want with it!

See, yer not allowed ta jus BE! In these peoples way of thinkin ya gotta BE DOIN SOMTHIN! Alla time!

But I think time is well spent, regardless of whut yer doin, as lon as yer enjoyin yerself, and I don't apologise ta NOBODY fer how I spend my time. I mean, Sheeit, some peoples spend a lot of time and effort collecting barbed wire. Not my cupo tea, but, hey. If ya wanna count th cracks on yer ceiling and enjoy doin that, I say, GO FER IT!!

I think peoples who say this to another do so out of a kind of jealousy cuz they are th ones whose hours are so crowded that they can't do a lot of things they might otherwise do, cept they don't have th fuckin time themselves. So they say this ta ya in an accusatory kinda fashion, as a kinda put down cus they see ya spendin yer time in whut they consider a frivolous way; BUT TH FACT IS; they envy ya!

They seem ta think that everything one does must have some kinda purpose, must be productive in some kinda way, that should produce some kinda result. It's all part of th Protestant work ethic, like, it's immoral or somethin to do nothin. "Idle hands......" and all that bullshit.

They are more likely, (altho in fact, not really very likely) to see you spendin an hour in meditation, if ya tell em yer searchin fer Serenity, or Harmony, or Peace or some fuckin thing. At least, ya've got some kinda purpose see, altho they would still consider that whole process a waste of time anyway I'm sure.
If some one asks ya what ya did that day and ya tell em that you jus laid around on yer sofa all afternoon and they ask,

"Well, what? Like, were ya meditatin or watchin th TeeVee or somethin?"

and ya say,

"Nah, I wuz jus lying there."

"Well, whut were ya doin?"

"Nothin, y'know, jus relaxin and thinkin."

"Ya mean, ya were jus lyin there doin absolutely nothin, jus lyin there thinkin?"

"Yeah, thas right!"

Ok, here it comes

"Dude, you got waaay too much time on you're hands!"

Yeah, ya know, like I coulda done some laundry, or shined my shoes, or washed some dishes or somethin, but ya know whut? I didn't fuckin feel like doin any of those things! So I didn't, godammit.

th cap'm

P.S. I think maybe the only time you could ever say that to someone legitimately would be to a dude doin his time in solitary. Cuz you know he wishes th day was only four hours long, and th weeks were shortened to four days.

Subject: Do not call list for cell phone numbers? - Mostly Fiction!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006 1:03 PM

th cap'm

Subject: WARNING: A Tsunami of Bullshit Is Heading Our Way
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 8:23 PM

Do you recall th feeding frenzy among th media over Jon Benet ten years ago? It went on and on and on without end. And altho it peaked after a couple of years we were still kept abreast of every little detail of th ongoing investigation. And now this!!!

Can you imagine th mountain of minutiae of this asshole's life we are going to be buried under now? Everyone who ever knew him will be interviewed. We will learn what his high school English teacher thought of him. We will get the impressions of a lady who stood with him in line at th post office one time. We will learn what he had for breakfast and whether he liked it or not. Every one who was ever within fifty feet of him will be asked,

"What was going thru your mind when you first heard he had confessed? What were you thinking at the time?"

It would be interesting to know just how many peoples job it is right now, to find out every little detail of his life? All th networks will be assigning their legal experts to not only keep us informed, but to explain to us what it all means.

And of course th peoples in th White House are clapping their hands with glee and loving every single distracting moment of it. Who cares about Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Hezbollah, etc, etc? What peoples will want to know is; does John Mark Karr prefer Pepsi, or does he like Coke? Come to think of it; this would be an excellent time to invade Iran and bring some Democracy to th Freedom-starved peoples there. Who would even notice?

Oh it's gonna be so exciting! We haven't had anything rilly cool like this since hearing about Cindy Sheehan for months on end. Cindy "who?" you say! Gonna be a whole lotta trees cut down and a whole lotta ink spread on this one. Sheeit. I'm nauseous already.

th cap't

P.S. I hope you'll excuse me for putting John Karr's middle name in there, but that seems to be th way they've decided to go with it. Th name is so important you know! If that little girl's name had been Ingrid Ramsey, would we even be talkin about any of this?

Subject: Immigration, And Some Minor Issues
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 1:15 AM

Election years are great aren't they? They allow our politicians to get us all excited about shit thas been right under our noses for a long time, but that they have done absolutely nothing about and have completely ignored. Then suddenly, they tell us they are very concerned! That something must be done! Right now, every politician must be able to tell you where he stands on illegal immigration. It's a big, burning issue that must be resolved. But oh wait, did any one give a shit about illegal immigration six months ago? Fuck no.

Everybody had more important things to worry about, y'know, like Brad and Jen. Does Tom really care about this chick Katy, or is it all jus a publicity stunt? What is th marriage situation between Jessica and whatever th hell her husband's name was? Who has Paris been seen with this past week? These were th big issues peoples were dealing with six months ago.

If ya had asked some one what they thought about immigration, they prolly woulda said,

"Whut th hail are yew talkin about? Whut th hail is immigrashun? Is thet th stuff them Asian birds got?"

And if you had taken a second to explain what illegal immigration meant, they prolly woulda said,

"Hey looky here hoss, I gots Chico and his crew puttin up new gutterin on mah house fer almos nothin. Know whut ahm sayin! An besides thet, how muh gonna get a maid ta replace Maria on muh wages at th McDonald's?"

So I was talikin to Chico yesterday bout it durin their lunch break, cuz I give em fifteen minutes to eat their tacos and stuff; well sheeit, how long does it take to eat two tacos? And he gave me this poem he wrote.

doan know why
all yoo peeple
are so down
on my peeple
we cleen yoor toilets
we mop yoor floors
we cook yoor foods
yoo treat us like whores
we beeld yoor houses
we peek yoor fruit
we wash yoor clothes
but yoo geeve us th boot
we have beeen here
for a lonng time seenyor
and yoo said notheeng
but now yoo are sore
now yoo wanna
beeld a great wall
to keeep us out
hey ese, whas that all about?
yoo have eelection now
yoo make beeg steenk
but wheen it's over
yoo weel geeve us a weenk
so we go baack to workk
deegeen yoor deetches
but joo still pay us notheeng
for beeing yoor beetches
so theees is wat i say
hey greengos
leesen up
chinga tu madre,

And then he demanded I start payin them three dollars an hour! And to add insult to injury, now they want a half hour for lunch! Sheeit.Talk about a gouging goin on!!

I'm fed up I tell ya. I think there's a lot of merit to th proposal that we should round em all up, all 12 million of em, y'know, and put em someplace, and then ship em all back to Mehico. Heck if we loaded em up on busses, 50 at a time, and sent a bus off every ten minutes, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it'd only take 4 and a half years to get rid of em all. And I think you could do it too with prolly no more than say, twenty-five or thirty thousand busses.

And by the time we got rid of them all, we'd have th wall built to keep em out permanently. And we'd create12 million new chobs so no amerikkan would ever be without a chob. Think of th opportunities. College grads wouldn't have to worry bout whether they would be able to get a chob on graduation anymore, cuz there'd be plenty of openings out there in th strawberry patch. And no more homeless peoples buggin ya at stoplights anymore.

And another thing, Iran! Nuke em! Turn Iran into a giant glass topped parking lot. Hell, we got ten thousand of those damned things jus lying around goin to waste.

And while we're at it, we could unload a hundred of em on N. Korea too and not even know they were missin. That would solve a number of problems including their own inability to feed themselves. Y'know, th old sayin, "Dead Koreans eat no rice!"

And another thing, as long as we're tidying up, this would be a good time to put th kabosh on th Chinese ambitions to ursurp our place in th world as Numbah One! We reely don't need any more Chinese restaurants anyway, do we!

And finally boyz and gurlz, I don't guess I gotta draw you a picture of how to deal with our Cuban neighbors to th south, do I?

Can yoy say, "Mushroom clouds over Havana?"

These things are not as far fetched as one might think, cuz fortunately, we have a President who is willing to take bold, decisive action to protect our Freedoms and to promote Democracy to Peace loving peoples everywhere.

God bless Amerikka!

th cap'm

Subject: Barbie
Monday, August 21, 2006 5:59 PM

Th below is from my friend Mardi S. Pretty amusing if you are familiar with th KC environs.


Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for the KC Metroplex market:

Leawood Barbie-This princess Barbie is only sold at Town Center Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Overland Park Barbie-This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.
Independence Barbie--This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills ... unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Blue Valley Barbie--This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership.Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.

Paola Barbie--This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at K-State. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available only at Big Lots & Dollar General Stores.

Wyandotte County Barbie--This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Paola Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's double-wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

The Grandview/Raytown Barbie--This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.

Olathe Barbie--This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and Bible. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass on the Jo. Gangsta' Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.

Brookside Barbie--This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Brookside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

Lenexa Barbie--Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Lenexa Barbie aspires to become Leawood Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

Waldo Barbie--Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free thinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about Plaza Barbie.

Argentine Barbie--This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Argentine Barbie or Ken.

Plaza Barbie/Ken--This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't understand why Waldo Barbie complains so much.

Topeka Barbie--would come with a 97 Ford Taurus with an unpainted body kit and crappy stereo system. This Barbie is twice the size of all the other Barbies and has more tattoos than Topeka Ken. Ghetto braids optional. And she's still white, but she doesn't "know it".

Lawrence Barbie -- This doll comes with a royal blue "Muck Fizzou"t-shirt, 70 parking tickets, and $20k in student loans. She thinks PHIL 100 is deep and gets excited when hearing; "I take Women's Studies to meet girls." Ken asks if she wants to go to The Ranch. (She has a sister, Lawrence Skipper, but Skipper long ago declared corporate Mattel evil and destroyed her own box in protest.)

Gardner Barbie- Has never been North of 95th Street and complains about going "all the way to Olathe". Comes with her own bag of fireworks, ill-fitting t-shirt/shorts combination and has been banned from all 4 of the Gardner bars. Comes with optional motorcycle and current boyfriend/ex-husband Shit Starting Ken.

th cap'm

Subject: Re: Moby Johnson; A Rock Opera
Monday, August 21, 2006 5:36 PM

My buddy Ernie H. wrote me below in regards to Moby Johnson.


Steve Goodman and Saul Broudy noticed no one had written a song about Moby Dick so they wrote one called Moby Book. Maybe you are on to something here Cap't...

Call me Ishmael, Ishmael is my name
Call me Ishmael, Ishmael is my name
And I ride with Captain Ahab
Out on de bounding main...

Saul is a professor at The University of Pennsylvania, folklorist. He and some of the Philadelphia pickin' mafia played/sang on one of Steve'e albums, either Words We Can Dance To or Jessie's Jig.

Alone and armed only with his guitar, Steve was the best I ever saw..."


If ya've never heard of Steve Goodman, check him out sometime. He's great!

th cap'm

Subject: Settin th Record Straight
Monday, August 21, 2006 5:07 PM

OK, I'd jus like to say here to all my friends who happen to be Bicyclists, Joggers and Walkers and who might take umbrage at my frequent disparaging characterizations of same;

I'm not talkin bout YOU!!

I'm only talkin bout th rest of em, cuz in a barrel full of rotten apples, you guys would still be tasty. OK!?

th cap'm

Subject: Letter to th Editor
Monday, August 21, 2006 4:33 PM

My good friend, one Mz Kara, had a letter she wrote in regards to global warming published in today's paper. Tho well intentioned, at one point she suggested that more peoples resort to riding bikes and walking to reduce harmful emissions. When I read that part, my heart skipped a beat. Oh no!! Th Horror! Remember th old Chinese sayin about bein careful what you wish for? I felt she needed my input so I wrote th following to enlighten her, so to speak.

RE:Your Global Warning Notice.

"Global warming"? whazzat? faulty science, hokey-pokey, mumbo-jumbo and malarkey. and if ya don't believe me, jus ask "The Leader". whut next: tobacco is bad fer yer health?

Awright now ms kara, having read yer letter, I don't like to be critical, but I would be remiss if I didn't scold you tho for your irresponsible suggestion that more peoples should be riding their bicycles and walking. whew!! There are already waay too many of these of these ignorant fucking morons out there vexing law-abiding motorists such as myself. It's bad enuff as it is. Why there's hardly a day that goes by when I'm not forced to run one of those critters into a ditch or somthin. after all, what are a few lost ice-cycles in lieu of peace of mind. and yer fer peace, right? So, whut's th deal?

I suppose next you'll be suggesting that more peoples give up their home phones and limit their telephone conversations to their cell phones while driving home from work, or while visiting th library, eh? Once again, fer these peoples; th ditch!!!

Y a see, th thing is kara, ya gotta be careful in dealing with peoples of that intelligence level, cuz they're very susceptible to suggestion and should not be encouraged.

OK, OK, enuff of that negativity. so now ms kara, since you've been published in th star, th 'diversity coalition' will now prolly seek to recruit you for their nefarious intentions. That's how they pulled me in. be careful out there. Stick to watchin 'amerikkan idol', don't complain, cover yer tracks and watch what you say on th phone.


Well, I hope my suggestions to her will be helpful in th future, should she plan further letters to other publications.

In th meantime, I wish The Leader would expand his surveillance of phone calls to include Bicyclists and Pedestrians also. Two subversive groups who both merit closer observations. What do you suppose these bicyclists discuss when they get together and go off on their rides out into th country where no one can hear what they say?

I would go undercover and infiltrate them myself except speedos are not rilly my thing. But somebody needs to step up to th plate. (I like to insert sports metaphors when ever I can) If you might like to volunteer fer this mission, remember; you must be able to act like a Complete Ignoramus at all times. Bitch and moan about how motorists don't give ya no respect. Do not let it slip that you know how to read and write and do cypherin too, and when you see stop signs, go,

"Whut th hail is thet thing?"

Or, like, when ya see a stoplight, ask yer fellow bikin comrades,

"How cum those stupid lights keep changin colors like thet? Whyn't they make up their mind? Is it Chrismus or somthin? And why ina hail is thet dude yellin at us?"

And then go,

"Sheeeit!!!!" in a loud disgusting tone.

You'll fit right in.

th cap'm

Subject: 2 Arabs and a Jew
Sunday, August 20, 2006 4:58 PM

Perhaps you've heard this joke before. It's been around for some time. My buddy Ed sent it to me and I had to chuckle. But besides bein amusing, I think it pretty much sums up th whole Arab/Israeli thing. check it out.


Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,

"I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Jew, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's shoe and spat in it.

When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said,

"That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe and spat in it.

When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" When will it end?

Ha ha Pretty funny huh? But also pretty sad cuz y'know what boyz and gurlz; my guess is that IT WILL NEVER END!!!

th cap'm

Subject: 4 Americans Killed In Afghanistan: th dance goes on.
Saturday, August 19, 2006 4:57 PM

Th French fought a ten-year war (1945-55) in Indo-China (Vietnam) and left with their tail between their legs in disgrace.

We went in right behind them, knowing how to do it better of course and fought a ten year war (1965-75) and left in disgrace with our tail between our legs.

Th Russians fought a ten year (1979-89) war in Afghanistan and left in disgrace with their tail between their legs.

We are now in Afghanistan for 5 years and there's no telling how many more years we will be there. Opium production is at an all time high. Th tribal warlords run th country. Always have, always will. Doesn't matter what kind of "government" they have in Kabul; out in th rest of th country, th warlords prevail.

Eventually, we will leave there with our tail between our legs.

Jus like we will eventually leave Iraq! With our tails between our legs in disgrace.

A colossal disaster!

And our buddy Israel. Whew! Altho th Israeli's destroyed Lebanon in th guise of rescuing TWO kidnapped Israeli soldiers and arguably didn't leave with their tails between their legs, they certainly lost there in every sense of th word. Politically, morally, militarily. Most of th world condemns their heavy handed approach in dealing with their problem of dealing with TWO kidnapped soldiers. You gotta wonder if they woulda nuked Lebanon if a half dozen had been kidnapped!

They had a lot of sympathy in th beginning but squandered it with their no holds barred methods. It's one thing to take off th gloves dealing with Hezbollah, an obvious terrorist organization, but th 1,000 innocent dead civilians and th thousands of wounded leaves a bad taste in th mouth. They left Lebanon smoking in ruins, They themselves lost perhaps 150 KIA with 800-900 wounded and accomplished none of their goals. Hezbollah, who they meant to wipe out, is stronger than ever. Their prestige in th Islamic world for fighting th daunted Israeli Army to a standstill makes them heroes in every Arab's eyes. Th invincibility of th IDF is forever destroyed.

And Geo. Bush says th Israelis were Victorious. Th man is obviously insanely disallusional. I try to be open minded but it's impossible for me to see how any one can look at his record th past six years and find anything worth while there. Stevie Wonder could see it better than me, and as you know, he doesn't see very well at all.

th cap'm

Subject: Moby Johnson; A Rock Opera
Saturday, August 19, 2006 3:31 PM

OK ya'll, I'm thinkin, y'know, in that half-assed kinda fashion I do, of a Rock Opera based loosely on Herm Melville's short story bout Cap't A-Dawg and his feud with th Great White Whale, Moby Johnson. You prolly recall that from a High School Lit class don'cha? Remember that short story that went on and on, ad infinitum! I think th Bible would be a quicker read.

It all started one day when th Cap't was trollin fer marlin and Moby Johnson had become tangled in his line, quite by accident, and unwittingly dragged A-Dawg and his rowboat all over th north forty and back in an effort to disentangle hisself.

Well, Cap't A-Dawg was furious and greatly agitated. Not only was it embarrassing, but he had an important appointment and his pedicurist would jus rip his skull fer bein late. Pierre could be a real bitch when he got miffed.

When finally A-Dawg managed to break clear he uttered many a obscenity in Moby's direction. Moby, knowin better than to confront a loony tune such as this, ignored his challenges to pull over and wrote th whole incident off to jus another nutball and a case of Sea Rage.

When finally, A-Dawg returned to his ship, Pierre was sulking and refused to even speak to him. He screeched at him that in th future, maybe Quack-Quack, a hulking, mysterious dude, of uncertain breeding, would do his toe nails for him, and haughtily retreated to his state room.

Cap't A-Dawg was enraged once again and held Moby Johnson responsible fer his plight. As his toe nails became more and more unsightly, dudes in his set were crackin wise behind his back. A-Dawg became more and more obsessed with revenge on Moby Johnson. He took to derisively referring to him as Moby Dick!! No body disses A-Dawg and gets away with it! He vowed to search th seven seas if necessary to avenge himself. He offered a dozen 'rocks' to th first dude who eyeballed Moby Johnson.

The days wore on. His posse began to mutter and mumble. They grew listless and Morale plummeted. After awhile, they even stopped singin their sea chanteys and th ship rode heavy in th water with their despair. Each day, th cap't would ask th lookout,

"Yo dude! What about Moby Johnson? What news have ye for me?"

And each day th lookout would answer.

"Arrrgh!" and naught more.

Then one day, as th cap't, lolled in his rack in a perpetual funk, whacked out on some primo, black Afghani hash, he heard th lookout,

"She blows! She blows!!"

And with racin heart, he went on deck and yanked th eyeglass from th Mate and cried out triumphantly,

"Moby Johnson! You Mutherfucker! Yer lamp oil now, cuz yer big, fat, white ass is mine, Damn ye!"

And he began barking out orders.

"Left full rudder, Damn th torpedos! Full speed ahead! Prepare to dive. This is th Cap't speaking. DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!"

And his crew didn't have any idea what th fuck he was blabbering about?

Next he yelled out,

"Man th mizzenmast!"

And Quack-Quack said'

"Gor! And Blimey! We can't sir. It's still mizzen. har har."

But Cap't A-Dawg wasn't in any mood for Levity.

"You scurvy swine. Avast there!!"

Meanwhile, unaware of all th commotion goin on above him. Moby Johnson was unconcernedly crusin along rehearsin a new song he was workin on called,
"I Gots th Albino Whale Deep Sea Blues Thinkin of Youse," which he planned on introducin at th next jam session. His bassists Jonah was gonna dig this. This was a song he had written about Falena, who he thought of as his gurlfriend, but who was rilly jus a big flirt.They had had what was but a brief affair one night in Rose's Cantina, in El Paso, but Moby couldn't get her outta his mind, he had developed a huge crush on her and was at this very moment on his way to meet her off th coast of Cape Verde. He had an overpowering urge to kiss her jus one more time.

And while he was daydreaming of that; suddenly he was ripped out of his reverie when he recognised that insane fool he had encountered that time. Th dude had a crazed look in his eye and was screaming oaths of undetermined meaning and throwin bottles of MD 20/20 at him. Moby couldn't help but think th dude was more than jus physically handicapped, but was in fact, a raving maniac. He tried to ignore him and not make eye contact.

But then he experienced a deep, burning pain in his side as he felt th harpoon go deep in his chest. And as he felt his Life Force draining away with th torrents of blood gushing from his side, Moby hung his head in sorrow, knowin he would never get to kiss Falena good bye.

Curtain drops.

Of course, this is jus a rough draft. There's still a lot to flesh out, so to speak. I dunno tho, th way Broadway has been goin th last few years it might be a tuff sell. But, oh well, "to dream the impossible dream..........."

th cap'm

Subject: Fidel Castro, Amerikan Nemesis
Tuesday, August 15, 2006 2:06 AM

My friend, Ms Not-from-Kansas-Dorothy sent this to me today.

Hey, I came across this in one of your emails (sent 06-21-05)...

"I'm betting that within one year of Castro's death, we will have diplomatic relations with Cuba once again, and the transformation of Cuba from being a pariah to a friendly nation will take place faster than anyone ever thought."
What can I say! You'd be a regular Nostradamus. Old Castro just has to go into the hospital for some "intestine" surgery and the U.S. is chomping at the bit!

Hell, I'll bet Cuba is granted statehood when the old geezer dies.


Well thanks Dorothy, but, oh shucks, it's all jus part of bein a regular ol Seer and Visionary. But it got me to thinkin again on th whole Fidel thing.

I am amazed at all th hoopla surrounding Castro's recent hospitalization. You would think he was th Devil Incarnate th way peoples carry on. Oh yeah, sure, he's a dictator, but as dictators go, he hardly ranks up there in th top tier. Yet we have been treating Castro, and consequently, Cuba, for th past 40 some years as tho they are th worst threat we've ever faced. We've had an embargo on them for 44 years now.

It kinda makes ya wonder why exactly? Personally, I have long maintained that Castro was involved in Kennedy's assassination in some way. A notion thas not th least bit far-fetched, cuz, after all Kennedy had been trying to kill Fidel ever since th Bay of Pigs, going so far as to give th Chicago mafia (Sam Giancana, who Kennedy shared a girl friend with, one Judy Exner) th contract, which they then bumbled several times in some Keystone Cops type efforts. So, it's not at all unreasonable to think that Fidel coulda been lookin fer some payback.

How else to explain our policy towards this little island nation? What pray tell, did th Cubans do to merit a 40+ years embargo? Sheeit! They always mention how it's a Communist country. We have better relations with several communist countries today than Cuba, like N. Vietnam fr'instance.

Do ya remember them boyz and gurls? Those N. Vietnamese Commie bastards who WE FOUGHT A TEN YEAR WAR with, and who killed 59,000 amerikans and wounded 200-300,000 more. They refer to it as th Vietnam War! But, how many Amerikans died in th Cuban War? Yeah, I know. I don't remember that one either! Hey, ya wanna take a vacation to Hanoi? Go right ahead. Can do. All is forgiven. Hell, they have a McDonald's in Saigon today.

But try and visit Cuba? Fuggedaboutit!

What about China? One of our most bitter Cold War foes? They have McDonald's in a number of cities there too. You can build a factory there if you wanna. They're one of our biggest trading partners and who we have a gigantic trade deficit with. Almost everything you buy today comes from this giant communist country. Wanna take a trip to Beijing. No problema Señor.

What about Russia? Our #1 former enemy in th Cold War? How many countless Billions of dollars did we spend confronting and containing th Russkies? Ya wanna invest money there? Ya wanna go on vacation there? Ya wanna live there? It's up to you, cuz ya can if ya wanna.

But, Cuba? Not on yer life! No way Jose. Not gonna happen. Well, not if yer an Amerikan anyway. OK, so it's like,

China, Si.
Russia, Si.
Vietnam, Si.


Cuz our Government won't let ya!! Thas why. And I think th reason why they won't let ya is cuz,

Castro assassinated Kennedy, thas why!!!

And we evidently, for who knows what reason, decided not to make that info public. Th US Government decided that as long as Fidel Castro was in power, Cuba would be a Pariah! We would never take th pressure off th Cubans. And we haven't.

Why is so much of Kennedy's assassination still classified 43 years later? What possible justification can they come up with on that? Th old stand-by; National Security? C'mon, gimme a break! I mean, it's been 43 years, fr'chrissake!! What really happened there that every Administration since, has kept secret from th Amerikan peoples? And th Warren Commission; whatta crocka caca!

How many years will it take before some one sez we can finally know everything thas in th files? Is it because they don't wanna try and explain to th Amerikan peoples why we let a foreign country assassinate our President and get away with it without any retaliation?

Well, what I'm sayin is; that we HAVE been retaliating against them for th past 43 years!! THAT is why we still have this ridiculous foreign policy against them, that otherwise makes no sense whatsoever!!! It's fucking crazy!

Or, at least, thas what I think

th cap'm

Subject: : Katrina
Sunday, August 13, 2006 8:38 PM

This is a pretty smarmy, yet endearing story my buddy Tommy D, who now lives in Houston, sent about the ongoing mess out of Katrina.


Hey here's a truly heartwarming story you might wanna share with your friends about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

(I must say, at this point I groaned. This was not th Tommy D. I know.)

A young family had moved into their FEMA trailer in Lakeview. (For you Yankees, that is a neighborhood near the lake in New Orleans, where I lived for 12 years)

The house next door was being gutted, leveled and renovated from floor to ceiling. The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the construction workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them pretty rough characters, more or less adopted the girl as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her and let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even gave her a pay envelope containing a crisp new five-dollar bill. The little girl was thrilled and took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the five-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl what she had done to earn so much at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,

"Last week I worked with the crew rebuilding the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week, too?"

The little girl replied,

"I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheetrock."

Kids, eh!! Ha ha

th cap'm

Subject: Just So You Know
Sunday, August 13, 2006 4:34 PM

Bein a local boy, I'm hoping th KC Star scooped th Enquirer on this one. In case you didn't get today's paper and missed this, in th front section of th Star, it was reported that Paris Hilton's pet kinkajou, "Baby Luv", (isn't that just a darling name) which is a raccoon-like animal, bit her while she was playin with it. But, don't be alarmed; she wasn't badly hurt, Thank God!!! But she did get a tetanus shot.

And while I heartly applaud th Star fer havin th courage and gumption to print this, I do think they coulda followed it up a bit more thoroughly. I'm talkin a bit more investigative journalism. I mean, like, no where did any one mention what kinda outfit she was wearin when she went to th hospital or who she was gonna be boinkin later on in th evening?

As one who prides hisself on bein au courant on current events these are th kinda details I look for in my news. A glaring omission to be sure, but still a hard hitting news report, worthy of a Katie Couric.

So, looky here ya'll, please don't write me to thank me for lettin you know bout this; after all, I AM only th messenger; but rather, call th Kansas City Star and let them know how much you appreciate getting full coverage on what is happening in our world today. Cus, like, there's a lotta other stuff goin down, besides all that stuff bout th near east, or th far east, or where ever th hell east that place is? I mean, rilly. So there was another car bombing today! Y'know, like, ho-hum. Get over it and get on with it. OK.

This Paris 'thing' is th kinda news we want.

th cap'm

Subject: Ruminations From Th Sofa
Wednesday, August 9, 2006 9:34 PM

Y'know, I have been lying here on th sofa for some time now, where I spend a good deal of my time thinking. And while I was thinking, I wondered who invented th sofa? Whoever it was, I tip my hat to him. It's a reely great gadget and I've certainly made ample use of mine.

So, as I said, I was lying here "thinking." Do you ever do that boyz and gurlz? 'Think", I mean? Try it some time, it can be rewarding. Oh sure, maybe not as rewarding as watching Amaeikan Idol, but it still has its own peculiar attractions.

Suddenly, from outta nowhere, I thought of Eli Whitney. You remember him of course; th inventor of th cotton gin. And that triggered a thought about Cyrus McCormack; th inventor of th, "McCormack reaper', which comes in real handy when ya need ta reap some wheat and stuff. From there I moved on to Elias Howe, who you recall I'm sure, invented th sewing machine.

As I pondered these things, I wondered if kids today know who these peoples are? I was taught about these peoples in school back in th olden days. Do they teach young students this kinda stuff today? Fuck no! I don't think so!! Cus it seems to me that most of em are totally ignorant about stuff like this.

Of course, overhearing conversations among them, about computers and so on, I would certainly be considered ignorant my own self. While I can tell you who invented th sewing machine and talk about th great naval battle of Salamis, I don't have a clue as to how to simply turn on a computer, much less drive one. A veritable dinosaur, if you will. Rumbling and thrashing about, while babbling bout McComack reapers and cotton gins and other irrelevant bullshit.

Damn.Ya know whut!! I think thas enuff thinkin and ponderin fer one evening, eh! Now I'm gonna go do what I do when I'm not utilizin th sofa; I'm gonna go drink some beers!

And why you ask? To which I retort; and why not!

th cap'm

Subject: Good Spam
Sunday, August 6, 2006 3:42 AM

I got this spam today. Man this is exciting! Finally, th truth emerges! Forget all that, "Speed Kills", nonsense of th '60s. Let's change that to, "Speed Wills".

No more hangovers, no more shakes in th mornings, no more vomiting th first hour of th day, and best of all, no more DT's. I'm tired of all those bugs crawlin all over me alla time.

And, this sounds jus like th cure I need to overcome my shyness too cuz, god knows, I always wanted to be, "th life of th party". I'm tired of hanging around th punch bowl all night. I wanna get out and do th hokey-pokey too. And maybe this will quieten th snickers and guffaws I alway hear trailing behind me in th gym.


Ephedra -The Ultimate Energy Experience
Motivate for Anything
Slam Through Your Work Day
Be the Life of the Party
Be Awesome At The Gym
Cure Your Hangover
Lose Weight Quickly and Safely
Excell In Everything You Do!
No Shakiness
No Stomachaches
No Headaches
No Come Down
Caffeine, Taurine & Ephedrine FREE
Non Addictive & Non-Habit Forming
Please Visit Here


Whew! Sounds pretty awesome, eh! If ya wanna go in with me, we could prolly get a price break if we buy in volume. Lemme know!

th cap'm

Subject: RE: "War Is Heck!"
August 5, 2006 4:31 AM

I must say I'm just a bit disappointed and depressed. I think I'll try and find Solace and Refuge in some booze and Substances. See, I actually thought that my Mr. Rogers Movie idea was a bit humorous and amusing.

But gadzooks!! I didn't hear back from a single, solitary soul. Not one! So I've waited a couple of days to give peoples a chance to come to their senses, but, still, Nada!

OK, now I know it wasn't as gut busting funny as th typical humor out there, like, fr'instance, th joke I was told last night. A guy sittin next to me sez,

"Hey Charley, wanna hear a good joke?" and I said,

"Nah, not reely!"

and, ignoring my response completely, cus Joke Tellers are like that; they're gonna tell their godam jokes whether ya wanna hear em or not, cuz thas what they do! He said,

"What's th difference between a slut and a bitch?"

I didn't give th response. I didn't say anything, I remained mum and jus stared straight ahead as tho I hadn't even heard him. Of course that didn't deter him one bit.

So, he hit me with th punchline,

"A slut will fuck every one! But a bitch will fuck every one but you!"

And he followed this up with his own hearty guffaws. He obviously found that hilarious and he was pretty damned pleased with himself. I jus sat there. I didn't react in any way, cept to order another beer.

OK, OK, I know, evidently I have no sense of humor. It was obviously an extremely funny joke and my lame effort couldn't match that on th Humor Scale. But still, I thought it was mildly amusing, at least worthy of a ha, if not a Ha ha. And yet, no one else did!

Sheeit. And I thought I had my finger on th Pulse. And ya know what? I did; but, oh wait.... th patient is Dead!

th cap'm

Subject: Think about it!
Friday, August 4, 2006 12:57 AM

OK, so, like, when was th last time you heard The Leader say,

"We took out a brutal dictator, and today the World is a safer place because of it."

Tell me boys and gurls, do you feel safer today than you did before we "liberated" Iraq? Do you think th average Iraqi feels safer? Hmmmm. Personally, I would bet th average Iraqi reminisces and thinks longingly of th days when Saddam ruled as, "th good ol days, as they now hunker down in th basement, by candle light, singin, "for he was a jolly good fellow...for he was a jolly.... "

God Bless Amerikka!

th cap'm

Subject: Mr. Rogers
Tuesday, August 1, 2006 5:28 AM

Several years ago I had a thought for a movie starring Mr. Rogers, titled,


It went something like this; Mr. Rogers is looking into a mirror in his dressing room, applying his makeup, just prior to going on his show.

As he looks in the mirror, we hear a voice off camera with a pronounced Asian accent say,

"Aw'mos time Mistuh Fred. You come now."

and as Mr. Rogers continues staring into his reflected eyes, the scene dissolves.....and we get a flashback to 'the Nam'. Now, I'm thinking, here we can rip off the scene from Apocalypse Now, where we hear the loud rotors from the helicopters and there is pandemonium, noise and chaos, swirling dust as new troopers arrive in country.

They are eventually led to their platoon where Sgt. Fred Rogers runs things, even though Lt. Smally is in nominal command. No one calls Sgt. Rogers....Sargent. Rogers, or even “Sarge,” everyone calls him MR. ROGERS. He is a grizzled 28 years old vet doing his third tour of duty. He is widely known and respected as, "a one man gook killing machine". His battle cry is,

"For God and Country you steeenking gook bastards!".

One day one of the FNGs makes the mistake of jokingly calling him, “pop.” BIG Mistake. Whew! He was in a world of hurt for that. And needless to say, he never did that again. Fer sure!! Some of the guys in MR. ROGERS squad wondered why he didn't wear standard issue jungle fatigues like they did? But, instead, he wore a white starched shirt with a red tie, and a beige sweater, and some nice subdued cardigan pants and some penny loafers. And although they were uncomfortable with that, thinking it made him somewhat conspicuous, nobody, but NOBODY, was gonna ask him why? Ya just didn't get in MR. ROGERS face about ANYTHING!! ya dig! The man was a Legend.

Before going out on patrol, MR. ROGERS liked to give the squad a little pep talk, to motivate them, to hype them up for some righteous gook wasting. He would say to them,

"Can you say 'gook' boys and gurls?"

and they would all shout out,


in a chorus. And he would say,

"Can you say, "Kill", boyz and gurlz?"

and again they would reply with a loud,


and then he would say,

"Let me hear you say it boyz and gurlz.... KILL GOOKS!"

and by now, they would all be in a killing frenzy and they would all be jumping up and down, eyes bulging, frothing at the mouth, screaming,


and then they would just jump up and scatter, helter-skelter in all directions into the bush, screaming


leaving MR. ROGERS standing there by himself and now having to chase them all down and re-group for patrol. But, now, they had their minds RIGHT.

A lotta times tho, their ambush deployments didn't work out very well, cuz MR. ROGERS, getting bored lying there in wait, had a bad penchant for jumping up and yelling,


and he would put that M-16 on rock n' roll and start busting caps, giving away their position, and scaring off any would be ambushees. Well, anyway, near the end of the movie, his squad have, themselves been ambushed, and a furious bloody firefight erupts. His guys are going down one after the other. Finally he is able to make his way to the radio and call in for evacuation, and as he is making his way to a clearing, badly wounded, he staggers right into Lt. Phan Van Troung, of the Peoples Army of North Vietnam, who is also critically wounded.

They stand there, transfixed, and stare at each other in disbelief, not knowing why the other hasn't wasted them. Time stretches on into eternity, flies buzz round their heads, yet neither one moves. Mortal enemies though they may be, they nonetheless have a grudging respect for each other as warriors.

Finally MR.ROGERS, slowly, ever so slowly, as Lt. Van Troung eyes him warily, slips his hand into his sweater, and pulls forth a can of Coca Cola, sparkling bright red in the sweltering Vietnamese sun, and starts singing, "God bless America", and Lt. Van Troung, in a moment of recognition, breaks out into a wide toothless grin, cuz see, those commie bastards didn't have much in the way of good dental hygiene, and he says,

"Ah, Coca Cola!....Coca Cola Numbah One",

and so they drag themselves to a nearby log where they both sit down and they share the coke, back and forth while MR. ROGERS explains the finer nuances of Capitalism, and the Free Market System as they await a medi-vac.

And this scene ends, with the camera overhead and pulling away, so that they are becoming smaller and smaller, and shortly, they are just tiny specks, and then soon, we can no longer see them at all; there is only the jungle canopy.

And then the voice, again, louder this time

"Mistah Fred, Mistah Fred, Time you go now most ricky-ticky".

and MR.ROGERS face comes back into focus, still staring into the mirror, and he says,

"OK Phan, I'm coming."

and he straightens his tie and picks up his sweater and walks on to the set and says,

"Hi boyz and gurls, Welcome to the neighborhood".

There it is.

But then, like so many other ideas, like the Budweiser frogs and lizards fr'instance, starring in Westside Story, this too, did not come to pass. Oh well..........

the cap't

Subject: Where Have All th Flags Gone?
Monday, July 31, 2006 5:30 PM

What happened to every one's flags? Do ya remember in th aftermath of 9/11 when every one had flags? On their cars, in their yards, on their clothes? Everywhere. There has never been a better time to be in th flag business. Those will always be remembered as "th good ol days" for them, cus a lot of peoples made a fortune in th Patriot Game.

Well, sheeit, it was a good, easy way to measure yer neighbor's sense of Patriotism, cuz, like, fr'instance, th more flags ya had on yer car, obviously, th more patriotic ya were. Now, yer run-o-th-mill Patriots only had one flag, but yer Class 1A Patriots would have, like four; one fer each window, plus th usual assortment of bumper stickers and decals. Prolly one outta three cars were festooned with flags. Did'ja sport a flag on yer vehicle boys and gurls? And, if so, is it still on there now? And if not, why not? Like, aren't you still patriotic?

But th biggest Patriot I ever saw, was a dude that, and I hate to use stereotypes, y'know, cuz it jus ain't right, but he appeared to me to be a "redneck-type" person, and he had a pole mounted in th bed of his pickup, right behind th cab and had a flag flyin from it that was about 8 feet long and 5 feet high. He was further accessorised with plenty of bumper stickers, decals, red, white and blue eagles, etc. etc. I almost felt like saluting as he roared by.

And speakin of those times, it kinda reminds me, when ya think about how fleeting celebrity-hood can be! Today we focus on th foibles of jerks like Mel Gibson, we wonder when we might ever be able to see Tom and Katy's baby, we are concerned whether Jen is doin OK?

BUT, where is Osama Bin Laden?? Oh sure, he drops a post card every now and then, but we jus don't hear much bout him any more? I guess when President Bush told him we were gonna track him down and kill him, he decided it was time to get outta Dodge, and left without even finishin his dinner.
Georgie told him, "You can run; but you can't hide dude!" But apparently, he hides pretty damned good, eh, cuz that was, like, five years ago. Has th Prez said anything like that lately? I wonder if O-Dawg knows we're still lookin fer him?

th cap'm

Subject: Bug-eyed Mel and his DUI
Monday, July 31, 2006 4:29 PM

It's amusing to read where people are speculating whether Mel's arrest on a DUI charge and his subsequent anti-Semitic tirade have doomed his career?

Ha ha. Whut a joke!! Get reel! As much as I hate th asshole myself, th fact of th matter is that; Mel's career isn't over, til he sez it's over. I mean, th fuckhead is worth over 850 million bucks! Do ya reely think peoples are gonna stop goin to his movies jus cus he's a racist pig? Sheeit. Th dude made some 350 million personally, over his anti-Semitic "Passion of the Christ", fr'chrissake!

I think a fair and equitable solution to th Mel Gibson Crisis would be fer th Israeli's, who, as Mel noted, are so adept at starting wars, to strap his ass to a rocket and launch him into Damascus or Tehran, dependin on their mood at th time.

Shalom, mutherfucker!!

th cap'm

Subject: Mel "Bug-eyes" Gibson popped for DUI
Monday, July 31, 2006 3:59 AM
When I heard sanctimonious Mel was busted for drunk driving again, I let out a loud guffaw of Glee. No kiddin. Th news left me with a severe case of Extreme Shadenfreude. I've told ya before I dislike Mel to th point of loathing him. I wish him nothing but th worst. He's a hypocrite, a phony and a bigot. Fuck Mel Gibson!

th cap'm

Subject: "Whose broad stripes and bright stars......."
Monday, July 31, 2006 1:58 AM

My friend Ms Kara pointed out th irony that th "proper way" to deal with a flag that has touched th ground is to burn it. Ha ha. Is it not insane that one should burn a flag that has been tainted by contact with the ground? haha. You see, it has been polluted so badly that now, it must be destroyed. By burning it!! Only Fire can cleanse it of that Horror. It's jus too crazy!

Many years ago, back in th ‘60s, in my hippie days I had a large amerikan flag that was 20 feet long and 12 ft high. It was a huge flag, you unnerstan, and I was quite the patriot. As a matter of fact, I used it as a rug in my “trippin room,” whose walls and ceiling were covered by sheets of shimmering mylar. I spent many hours sittin on that flag discussing our counrty's involvement in a long, drawn out protracted war, whose meaning made no sense to us. And, here we are again, eh!

But, seriously tho, I think burning issues such as this, along with th monumental problem of immigration and the single biggest threat we face today as a Nation; namely, gay marriage, help us all really. Cuz they take our feeble minds off the unpleasant aspects of life in amerikka. War. What wars? Poverty? Education? Erosion of civil rights? Terrorism? And blah, blah, blah ad nauseum.

Like, who cares bout that kinda stuff when th Sanctity and Integrity of our country is threatened by illegals, flag desecraters and gay peoples! We are all willing to view th world thru our rose-tinted glasses, instead of th monkey-shit brown ones of Reality.

Myself, I'm really concerned about Willie Roafs retirement, and what it portends for our Chiefs this year?! That's what keeps me awake, tossin and turnin all nite.

P.S. I suspect that hundreds of years from now, when th history books are written covering, "The Rise and Fall of the United States of America", they will cite th four Major Causes of our downfall; Illegal Immigration, Removal of Prayer in the Classroom, Flag Desecraters, and Gay Marriage. Jus wait and see!

th cap'm

Subject: "Oh say, can you see......."
Sunday, July 30, 2006 10:11 PM

For folks who are interested in passing a Constitutional Amendment banning desecration of th flag, there are several interesting and thought provoking questions in Doonesbury today.

As he points out, first of all, we'd have to figure out just what we're criminalizing? Fr'instance, would it be a crime to destroy a paper flag?

Which flags are covered? Do past US flags count? Can one desecrate a 49 star flag? 48? What about a 13 star flag?

How bout hanging a flag upside down? What about backwards?

Is a flag tattoo desecration?

A flag patch on th seat of your pants?

What about a sweat stained cowboy shirt?

As he sez,

"All GREAT questions for the Supreme Court to debate-----ONE AT A TIME!! WHAT could be more important?"

As usual, there are no easy answers, eh?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Flakester Carries On
Thursday, July 27, 2006 4:46 PM

So, I understand professional Protester, Cindy Sheehan has bought a 5-acre lot down in Crawford, Texas, near Bush's ranch. She sez she was able to purchase this plot using insurance money from her son's death. I personally would bet there's more to that than meets th eye, but, thas jus my opinion, cuz when her handlers pull th strings, she bounces around like th puppet she is. If they told her to bark like a dog, she'd be runnin around goin, "ARF! ARF! ARF!" all day long.

About her purchase, Cindy said,

"I can't think of a better way to use Casey's insurance money than for peace and I'm sure Casey approves."

See, this is what pisses me off about her. That part where she sez she's sure Casey approves. What fucking bullshit. Why in the world would he approve of her shamelessly invoking his name to further her own cause?

I mean, her son was not a Pacifist. Th man was a Professional Soldier. He Volunteered to join th Army! He chose to serve his country in th Armed Services, knowing full well what that entailed. And after serving his tour of duty; what did he do then? Well, sheeit ese, he re-enlisted fr'chrissake!!! These are not th actions of a man who had any kind of doubts about what, and why, he was doing what he was doing!!

I can't believe for a second that he would approve of her using his death to advance her own agenda. And for her to insinuate he would have approved, further demonstrates to me that SHE'S AS FULL OF SHIT AS I THOUGHT SHE WAS.

th cap'm

Subject: Another good Herman
Thursday, July 27, 2006 3:51 PM

This from my friend Tommy D. outta Houston, Texas. See, and you thought all Texans were a bunch of Yahoos! Well, truth be known, most of em are, but there are exceptions, obviously.

He mentions,

Herman Ruth!

Sometimes known as, "Babe".

Kudos on that one!

th cap'm

Subject: Lost Hermans of the World
Thursday, July 27, 2006 2:51 PM

OK, OK, according to th input I've received, it seems that there are more Hermans than th ones I mentioned.

Fr'instance, as my man. Unc, pointed out, there is a double Herman, that is, a Herman Herman. Whew! Whut a tag to lay on yer kid, eh! I'm told by th Sally Gurl, that there is a Herman who runs a body shop, and a Herman professor.

And my friend, Ms Juliie, th Devine, hipped me to one that should occur to anyone interested n Hermans; Herman Munster, a truly notable Herman, indeed!

I still haven't heard of any Hermans from Vermont or Delaware tho. Do they exist? I dunno. We can only keep searchin I spose.

th cap'm

Subject: Herman Edwards, Coach
Thursday, July 27, 2006 1:35 AM

"Herman", thas a kinda unusual name, isn't it? Not many guyz around named Herman. Like, have ya ever known any one named Herman, from Vermont? Prolly not, huh! See whut I mean. There's not a lotta dudes around by that name.

So, we got ourselves a Herman here in Cowtown, but, whut other Hermans can ya think of? OK, we got yer Herman Melville, Herman Hesse. Herman Wouk, all authors. And then, we got yer Herman and th Hermits. Oh sheeit, whut unpleasant memories that name dregs up. If I hear bout Mrs, Brown's luvely daughter one more time, Gulp! I'm gonna be doin some serious projectile vomiting, so if ya play that song around me; STAND BACK!!

Aw'right, I guess that bout does it with th Hermans, eh! Was anyone else ever named Herman?

Oh wait....can we count Hermann Goering. Now, he was a famous Herman, ya dig! But, a Herman with two n's. Does that count I wonder? With th two n's and all?

Ah well, fuck th nit-pickin; et's jus go ahead and count him too. Now this Hermann wasn't such a good fellow tho. Nah, ya wouldn't have wanted him over fer yer dinner guest. Terrible table manners. A real schwinhund, ja!

By th way, speakin of Hermann, did'ja know he said in an interview he gave during th Nuremberg Trial, that although,

"the people don't want war, they can always be brought to the bidding of their leaders."

This is precisely what he said about that.

Now pay attention here boyz and gurlz and see if this rings any bells?

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a Democracy, a Fascist dictatorship, or a Parliament, or a Communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials


th cap'm

Subject: Bands From The Past Whose Music Characterised Their Times.
Thursday, July 27, 2006 12:30 AM

Calvin & the Kool-aids

Herbie and the Depressionistics

Frankie Delano & the Roosevelts

Big Harry & the Atomics

D.D. Ike & the Do-Nothings

Big Bad Jack & the Assassinators

LB & His Baby-Killerz

Tricky Dicky & the Tricksters

Jerry & the Stumblers

Jimmy & the Bumblers

Ronnie & the Deth Ray-Gunz

Texas George & the Oilers

Big Bill & the Slurpers, with his back-up group, th Ho's

Georgie-Porgie & the Bushwhackers
I wonder what kinda music we're gonna
hear next? Mebbe, "white noise"?

th cap'm


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