joe dreck
July 28, 2006

Joe Dreck, the Captain, was almost named Herman
by his mother Ralph.

Subject: Th Flakester Carries On
Thursday, July 27, 2006 4:46 PM

So, I understand professional Protester, Cindy Sheehan has bought a 5-acre lot down in Crawford, Texas, near Bush's ranch. She sez she was able to purchase this plot using insurance money from her son's death. I personally would bet there's more to that than meets th eye, but, thas jus my opinion, cuz when her handlers pull th strings, she bounces around like th puppet she is. If they told her to bark like a dog, she'd be runnin around goin, "ARF! ARF! ARF!" all day long.

About her purchase, Cindy said,

"I can't think of a better way to use Casey's insurance money than for peace and I'm sure Casey approves."

See, this is what pisses me off about her. That part where she sez she's sure Casey approves. What fucking bullshit. Why in the world would he approve of her shamelessly invoking his name to further her own cause?

I mean, her son was not a Pacifist. Th man was a Professional Soldier. He Volunteered to join th Army! He chose to serve his country in th Armed Services, knowing full well what that entailed. And after serving his tour of duty; what did he do then? Well, sheeit ese, he re-enlisted fr'chrissake!!! These are not th actions of a man who had any kind of doubts about what, and why, he was doing what he was doing!!

I can't believe for a second that he would approve of her using his death to advance her own agenda. And for her to insinuate he would have approved, further demonstrates to me that SHE'S AS FULL OF SHIT AS I THOUGHT SHE WAS.

th cap'm

Subject: Another good Herman
Thursday, July 27, 2006 3:51 PM

This from my friend Tommy D. outta Houston, Texas. See, and you thought all Texans were a bunch of Yahoos! Well, truth be known, most of em are, but there are exceptions, obviously.

He mentions,

Herman Ruth!

Sometimes known as, "Babe".

Kudos on that one!

th cap'm

Subject: Lost Hermans of the World
Thursday, July 27, 2006 2:51 PM

OK, OK, according to th input I've received, it seems that there are more Hermans than th ones I mentioned.

Fr'instance, as my man. Unc, pointed out, there is a double Herman, that is, a Herman Herman. Whew! Whut a tag to lay on yer kid, eh! I'm told by th Sally Gurl, that there is a Herman who runs a body shop, and a Herman professor.

And my friend, Ms Juliie, th Devine, hipped me to one that should occur to anyone interested n Hermans; Herman Munster, a truly notable Herman, indeed!

I still haven't heard of any Hermans from Vermont or Delaware tho. Do they exist? I dunno. We can only keep searchin I spose.

th cap'm

Subject: Herman Edwards, Coach
Thursday, July 27, 2006 1:35 AM

"Herman", thas a kinda unusual name, isn't it? Not many guyz around named Herman. Like, have ya ever known any one named Herman, from Vermont? Prolly not, huh! See whut I mean. There's not a lotta dudes around by that name.

So, we got ourselves a Herman here in Cowtown, but, whut other Hermans can ya think of? OK, we got yer Herman Melville, Herman Hesse. Herman Wouk, all authors. And then, we got yer Herman and th Hermits. Oh sheeit, whut unpleasant memories that name dregs up. If I hear bout Mrs, Brown's luvely daughter one more time, Gulp! I'm gonna be doin some serious projectile vomiting, so if ya play that song around me; STAND BACK!!

Aw'right, I guess that bout does it with th Hermans, eh! Was anyone else ever named Herman?

Oh wait....can we count Hermann Goering. Now, he was a famous Herman, ya dig! But, a Herman with two n's. Does that count I wonder? With th two n's and all?

Ah well, fuck th nit-pickin; et's jus go ahead and count him too. Now this Hermann wasn't such a good fellow tho. Nah, ya wouldn't have wanted him over fer yer dinner guest. Terrible table manners. A real schwinhund, ja!

By th way, speakin of Hermann, did'ja know he said in an interview he gave during th Nuremberg Trial, that although,

"the people don't want war, they can always be brought to the bidding of their leaders."

This is precisely what he said about that.

Now pay attention here boyz and gurlz and see if this rings any bells?

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a Democracy, a Fascist dictatorship, or a Parliament, or a Communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials


th cap'm

Subject: Bands From The Past Whose Music Characterised Their Times.
Thursday, July 27, 2006 12:30 AM

Calvin & the Kool-aids

Herbie and the Depressionistics

Frankie Delano & the Roosevelts

Big Harry & the Atomics

D.D. Ike & the Do-Nothings

Big Bad Jack & the Assassinators

LB & His Baby-Killerz

Tricky Dicky & the Tricksters

Jerry & the Stumblers

Jimmy & the Bumblers

Ronnie & the Deth Ray-Gunz

Texas George & the Oilers

Big Bill & the Slurpers, with his back-up group, th Ho's

Georgie-Porgie & the Bushwhackers
I wonder what kinda music we're gonna
hear next? Mebbe, "white noise"?

th cap'm

Subject: Say it ain't so, Joe
Tuesday, July 25, 2006 4:44 PM

Ya ever watch a baseball game and observe one of those conferences on th mound? Y'know, th pitcher and catcher get together ta discuss strategy. And they hold their gloves over their mouth.

Why in th fuck do they do that? Thas what I asked, "whut's th fookin deal with that?" Well of course, I was informed, like I'm some kinda moron, jus like yer prolly thinkin, that they do that so th other team can't read their lips. Say whut!!?

OK, so......lemme get this straight. There are 32 lip readers employed by Major League Baseball, one for each team, right, whose sole job is to go to every single game played, including away games, who watch th telecast, without ever takin their eyes off th screen, so they don't miss anything, so that once or twice a game, they can read those guys lips, and then convey what they jus discovered somehow to th batter, so he'll know what th next pitch is gonna be, Right?! I mean, c'mon, rilly! Gimme a break, huh! Whatta crocka caca! Sheeeit.

Tell me, like, who are these lip reader dudes? We never see or hear anything about them officially. And surely every team must have one, cuz otherwise, you'd have a Lip Reader Gap if one team didn't have that ability. Do ya think th lack of a good lip reader could amount to th level of not havin a good left hander on yer squad? Nah, I don't believethat for a second.

Now, maybe in football, where you have a lot more time involved between plays, and a lot more communication systems involved, since th quarterback has a mike in his helmet, some one might glean some pertinent info outta watchin coach's lips, but Baseball? Those batters don't have a mike in their helmet.

When ya see those coach guys rubbin their bellys, tuggn on their ears, and doin th hokey-pokey and other goofy stuff like that; well thas what passes fer their secret communication system.

And ya know whut, I'll bet if we could find out whut they were sayin, they'd prolly be talkin like,

"So, whadda ya think bout pizza later?"

"Nah, we did that last night, I'm thinkin more like Chinese."

"Hey, watch it, cover yer mouth, we don't want this batter dude pickin up on where we're goin. Every time they come to town he always wants ta tag along and th dude is so lame."

"Yeah, I can dig it bro. Well, think about it and lemme know around th seventh."

Then th manager comes out ta join em.

"So, what'd you guys decide? C'mon, we gotta finish up this game here. Aw'right fuck it, Tommy, I'm bringin in Lefty now; you go ahead and call th pizza joint. Dicussion's over"

"OK, boss, ya got it, but, before I go, did'ja hear th one bout th rabbi and th...."

"Gwan, get outta here!"

Meanwhile, th batter's standin there kickin dirt around and thinkin ta hisself,

"Man, I know those guys are tryin ta ditch me again!"

Lip reader strategy? Whutever ya say hoss!! Sure! And did'ja hear bout th Colony of Intelligent Apes on Mars too?

th cap'm

Subject: Mars Ape Colony Update
Monday, July 24, 2006 12:28 AM

I jus want to allay any apprehensions I may have caused about my story bout Inteeligent Apes on Mars. As some one informed me that they didn't believe that th Apes had managed to go to th Moon, cuz as they pointed out, it is many hundreds of million miles from Mars to th Moon and if they had managed that, then to get to Earth would be a very simple matter, since it's only 265,000 miles further. Like, if ya were walkin from New York, and LA bein th Moon, Earth would only be another half block. And since there have been no Simian landings here, we can assume that they've never been to th Moon either. I thank that person for that.

I know I'll sleep better tonight with that clearer understanding of th situation.

But you know what; a thought jus occurs ta me, OMIGOD! What if that craft that crashed in Roswell, N.M. back in 47' was Aped by a crew of Simians? And th Govt. has been keepin that from us all these years!

Nah...... never mind! Forget I even mentioned it. Don't even worry bout it. It's prolly not true.

th cap'm

Subject: Honesty Pays
Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:26 PM

Yeah, right!! OK, OK, stop yer snickerin and snortin. It rilly does. Well, sorta anyway. Like, today, fr'instance, I read in th paper where a homeless dude was rummaging thru some trash and he found 21,000 dollars in savings bonds. He turned them in to th shelter he was stayin at and they tracked down th owners.

Th owners gave him a 100 dollar reward. A Hundred Bucks!! Whoopie, eh!
Ya know, I drove my hack fer ten years and found a number of items over that period of time, which I always returned with th cash and everything that was in em when I found it, still intact when I gave em back.


I picked up a couple off th street in th Plaza. They were both rilly drunk and all over each other on th way to th Hilton just up on Main. A $2.80 trip and th cheap bastard gave me three bucks! Fuckhead!!

Well, anyway, jus a few minutes after I dropped em off, I noticed she had left her purse in th back seat. I went thru it and got her name and called th Hilton, but she wasn't registered. No big surprise there, eh. Jus a one night-stand kinda deal.

Th guy on th desk told me he hadn't seen anyone come in fer a while.

So, I took th purse home with me and went thru it. It had everything in it. It was a big purse and jus filled with all kinds of stuff. Several real nice pairs of earrings, a nice ring of some kind, a wallet with drivers license, 7 or 8 credit cards, etc, and about 60 BUCKS in cash, several check books from different banks, a key ring with prolly ten keys on it, cosmetics, lip stick holders, a real nice silver cigarette lighter, an address book with prolly two hundred entries in it, and many other items I can't even recall now.

Th next day I was able to track her down at her work place out in Overland Park. I was kinda excited to be able to tell her that all her stuff that she thought was lost forever, wasn't lost after all, and I had it. I knew she was goin to be tickled to death. I called her and

"Hi, this is th cab driver who took you and your boyfriend to th hotel last night and you'll never guess what I found in my back seat?!"

and she said,

"WHO is this?"

I said,

"I'm a cab driver! And I FOUND YOUR PURSE in th back seat of my car last night!!"

And I was kinda waitin for a squeal of glee and relief, but instead, she said in a monotone voice that was totally devoid of any kind of emotion at all,

"Oh, I wondered what happened to it."

She wondered what happened to it? Like, Ho-hum!! I was a bit deflated at her reaction, or more precisely, at her total lack of reaction. I mean, this purse had every thing a person would need, all th usual suspects, y'know, and a lotta personal stuff a girl would want, like her address book. I told her I would turn it in at th end of th day and she could pick it up any time. She wanted to know where? And I told her down at h office at 5th and Walnut. And she said,

"Oh shit, that's way too far. I can't drive all th way down there. Can't you jus bring it to me at my work place?"

??? I said,

"Well..... yeah, sure, but, um, if I have to deliver it to you personally, I'll have to charge you for th trip, cuz I'm working right now."

She said,

"Well, how much is THAT going to cost me?"

I was startin to get rilly pissed now. I said in a real, exasperated, peeved voice,

"Well.......It's gonna cost you some where between ten and fifteen bucks lady, dependin on what th meter reads when I get there. That's what it's gonna cost you!!"

And she said,

"That seems kinda high......"

And I slammed th phone down before she could finish. I then took th sixty bucks out and put it in my pocket and tossed her purse with every thing in it into th first dumpster I came across!!! And I grinned as I did so..

Fuckin ingrate bitch!

A couple days later th dispatcher announced over th radio that th driver who had found that lady's purse needed to turn it in Immediately, cus she was real mad and bitchin like hell to everybody down at th office about how her purse had all these important addresses and stuff she needed, besides her money and everything else. That made my day. Oh man, I had a good guffaw about that. Ha ha.

Th thing was, ya see, since she was drunk as a loon that nite, and I had picked her and th guy up off th street, instead of bein dispatched to th call, no one had any way of knowin who that fookin, thievin driver was. Ha ha

And I didn't feel th least bit bad abut it. Nope, jus th opposite. My only regret was that I didn't sell her credit cards to some one for a beer or a pack of smokes or somthin.

th cap'm

Friday, July 21, 2006 3:36 AM

This is absolutely true! I have a good personal friend of mine who works at the Lawrence Livermore Lab in California where they control the Mars wheeled robot called, "Rover", which has been exploring the planet for several months now, and he called me long distance just a few minutes ago, and he was so excited and agitated he could hardly talk.

As a matter of fact he was whispering, and telling me that this was highly confidential and I shouldn't tell a soul, because if they found out who leaked this he would be in big time trouble. I told him to calm down and if it was such a big deal, I didn't even wanna know about it! But he blurted it out anyway. Now, I know I shouldn't be writing about this either, so, please!! Don't pass this along, Really!!! Keep this strictly between us cus, the peoples aren't ready for this!
He claims that Rover has discovered a colony of Intelligent Apes living there!!!

Thas right. Great, filthy Apes! He said that they are very advanced technologically and have managed to send several Simian Expeditions to the Moon and they are now working on a space craft with the intent of reaching Earth to see if there's any Intelligent Life forms here. (I could save em a lot of time and trouble)

He said that high Government officials have known about this for some time, and that this is behind Bush's big push to go to Mars, because Bush wants to get there first. Before they get here! So he can send em a greeting. The wording of the greeting has been hammered out, after many heated discussions among his speechwriters and top advisers, and finally approved by the Leader to,

"Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! We're Number One!"

Government officials are also concerned that, if we should lose this race; how the Peoples of the Earth would react to the first Alien craft to land here being manned, (so to speak haha) by a bunch of filthy, hairy Apes!

So, anyway, keep this to yourselves. Ssssh. Don't tell anyone, especially the bartender, cus he'll jus blab it to everyone!

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: Th capt's got a beef
Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:55 PM

Well, this is th post i sent to jen chen who writes th Night Ranger piece for th pitch and who called me to ask if they could run my blather in th "letters page".

th cap'm

From: (Charley)
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2006 18:00:11 -0500
Subject: Th capt's got a beef

Ms Chen, the following is a post I wrote to peoples on my e-mail list vis a vis my letter to the Pitch which ran in today's edition.

Subject: A Martyr Grieves

Several weeks ago th Star ran a letter I wrote. Today th Pitch did th same. As I read those things ascribed to me, I wondered; what th FUCK happened to th letter that I wrote!!? Where's MY letter?

Elements crucial to my whole point were completely left out. They say letters can be edited for clarity and length. Sheeeit. When they got through, my scribblings made about as much sense as George Bush, and were about as clear as th Big Muddy on a bad day.

So, on a much smaller scale, I can feel th Pain and th Horror real authors must experience, when they see what happened to their novel, which was hacked up, re-arranged, altered and changed beyond recognition in th movie made from it.
I feel as tho I've been eviscerated. and th entrails of my stories were left draggin on th ground behind me. It's enuff to make one cuss. So I will.



OK, OK, sorry bour that; maybe I exaggerated a bit. Ha ha But below is the letter I sent as opposed to the one you ran.


" kansas it's cosmopolitan enuff fer me"

(you changed this subject line to,


(?????? Which has absolutely nothing what so ever to do with the story

"furst off lemme make it cleer im a big fan of kansas an i think its as big as i think it is. now a frend tole me thet th kansas bord of edjicasion wuz gonna overhall ther curent classes on s-e-x edjicasion. he sed thay wuzn't gonna even use th S-word enymore atall. no sirree. He sez thay gonna b callin it "th birds and th bees 101" now an th advanced clases ar jus gonna b called "th facks of life" and he tole me thay decided th best way ta teech thet subjeck wuz jus ta let Muther Natcher do it fer em.

(Here's my beef. This next part here was ommitted completely)

"whut better techer culd yew get than thet? so thays gonna take all th 6th graders on field trips an let em watch reel bees pollinatin flowers and stuff like thet. i dunno whut th birds an other critters ar gonna do but he sed not ta woory tho cuz they dang sure wuznt gonna b takin em on no trips ta th barnyard. heck no fr'chrisake and he sez fer th more advanced classes thay wuz gonne b tellen em bout th "Stork Theory" insted of th smutty way of splainin wher babys com from likes thay do now."

(See, you left this entire section out. The whole point I was trying to make was to show the absurd lengths the insane Kansas Board of Ed. Might go to "clean up" sex ed in Kansas classrooms. I was trying to show how they were going to let Mother Nature demonstrate "the birds and the bees" but instead you, or whoever edits these things, just jumped to the paragraph below, leaving the whole mention of Mother Nature as moot and pointless, and thus leaving the thing as nothing more than a bit of senseless rambling in, "fonics")

peeples r allus makin fun of em but personaly i think theys gots some purty good ideers over ther in kansas an i happen ta think its one of th more pergessive states but i dunno fer sure tho whether thet storey is true r not cuz anuther frend tole me thet guy wuz jus pulin my laig. hail i dunno. do yew think he wuz? enyway hoss dya kno wen th next turnip truck is due? i need a ride.


P.S. OK, I do understand you have constraints in space and all, but I think this could have been much better edited. Oh, by the way, I am a big fan of yours.

Grieving in KC,

th cap'm

Subject: Vindication (well, a little bit anyway
Thursday, July 20, 2006 4:21 PM

Below is a letter I got today from C.J. Janovy, editor of th Pitch.

From: (Cj Janovy)
Date: Thu, Jul 20, 2006, 7:50am
Cc: Subject: your letter


It's my fault your letter got all hacked up. I'm sorry about my insensitive editing. But, in my own lame defense, I thought your points still came through loud and clear.

C.J. Janovy

Well, like I said, "a little bit anyway".

th cap'm

Subject: A Martyr Grieves
Wednesday, July 19, 2006 4:17 PM

Boy I am soo mad I could jus cuss. To heck with good manners, I will anyway. DANG IT!!

Several weeks ago th Star ran a letter I wrote. Today th Pitch did th same. As I read those things ascribed to me, I wondered; what th FUCK happened to th letter that I wrote!!? Where's MY letter?

Elements crucial to my whole point were completely left out. They say letters can be edited for clarity and length. Sheeeit. When they got through, my alleged scribblings made about as much sense as George Bush, and were about as clear as th Big Muddy on a bad day.

So, on a much smaller scale, I can feel th Pain and th Horror real authors must experience, when they see what happened to their novel, which was hacked up, re-arranged, altered and changed beyond recognition in th movie made from it.
I feel as tho I've been eviscerated. and th entrails of my stories were left draggin on th ground behind me. It's enuff to make one cuss. So I will.


th cap'm

Subject: Further "slamming" the French
Tuesday, July 18, 2006 2:37 PM

Hey ya'll, my buddy, Mike th G. sent this to me. You prolly remember many of these from a few years ago. At that time every one was hoppin on th Bash-th-Froggie-Band-Wagon. But for some reason we don't hear these any more. Hmmm, I wonder why? My reply follows at th bottom.

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. -Mark Twain

I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. -General George S. Patton

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. -Norman Schwartzkopf

We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it. -Marge Simpson

As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure. -Jacques Chirac, President of France

As far as France is concerned, you're right. -Rush Limbaugh

The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee. -Regis Philbin

The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky, I don't know. -P.J. O'Rourke (1989)

You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks, but doesn't have the face for it. -John McCain, U.S. Senator (AZ)

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." -Conan O'Brien

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either.
-Jay Leno

The last time the French asked for "more proof, " it came marching into Paris under a German flag. -David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. -Ted Nugent

War without France would be like... uh... World War II.

The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says "First Iraq, then France." -Tom Brokaw

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis? -Dennis Miller
It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us. -Alan Kent

They've taken their own precautions against al-Qaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house. -Argus Hamilton

Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description "Never shot. Dropped once." -Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq. -Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the Germans as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000, M'sieur?
Q. Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
A. It's not known, it's never been tried.
-Rep. R. Blount (MO)

Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining. -John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney...(AP) Paris
The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists

Here was my reply.

"I know it's cool to make fun of th French for not supporting us in our invasion of Iraq, I was guilty myself, and these are all really light of subsequent events, who do you think is laughing th loudest now?

I think had we listened to th Frogs and th Krauts and everyone else in th World, except our toadies, th Brits, th world would be a better place today!
And scuuuse me for this breach of internet etiquette in my, "reply to all". My apologies. I know I've been Bad, and now I'm gonna go to my room for a self imposed, "time out".

th cap'm

P.S. Guess where th Statue of Liberty came from boyz and gurlz?

When you read th derision and ridicule we heaped on th French for not supporting us, and considering what has happened, I guess it's not so hard to understand why we don't hear this particular brand of scorn any more, eh? Can you imagine a comedian tryin to get some laughs at th expense of th French (or any one else for that matter) for not bein involved in Iraq today? I doubt if even an Amerikan Legion audience would find a whole lot there to guffaw about.

Oh yeah, about that other thing. OK, OK. I know. I broke a cardinal rule of mine when I replied "to all" on his list. I have long railed against peoples for that very same thing. I have urged them to resist th impulse to share their views with other peoples on my e-mail list, and confine their replies to my babble only to Moi. I have castigated and scolded em for their weakness. I have told them repeatedly to just say, "NO!". And now, this!!! I broke down myself and succumbed to th temptation. I don't know what came over me. Rilly. (it musta been th Drugs that made me do it) I feel sooo cheap and tawdry! So tonight I'm gonna get extra drunk and stoned in Remorse for my Obnoxious and Inconsiderate behavior. I'm gonna drown myself in a tsunami of Booze in an attempt to wash away th Guilt.

Besides I have to make up for th fact that I didn't go out at all last night, and so missed quota.

And Fuck those peoples who say I get over-dramatic.

th cap'm

Subject: RE: My Rambling Rant About Bruce Springsteen's Kid
Saturday, July 15, 2006 3:50 PM

My good friend Ernie wrote me,

"Cap't, must have been a slow newsday. LOL"

I wrote im back,

"Nah Ernie, I don't think th problem was that it was a "slow" newsday; I think th problem was that it was a "typical" newsday, cus thas exactly th kinda banal fluff that passes fer “news” these days!! Amerikans absurd, ridiculous obsession with Celebrity and all things even remotely connected. Did'ja know that Hilary Duff's pet poodle let a fart in a posh Beverly Hills restaurant, causin peoples at nearby tables ta pinch their noses! Yep! It'll be on th news later on this evening and Inside Edition and Access Hollywood will both be doin a feature story tonight! So, don't change that dial!

Jus look what th KC Star has done in their effort to re-vitalise th paper. Th front page looks and reads jus like th FYI section. Like today's front page fr'instance, a large photo of a bunch of women stampeding like a mindless herd of cows for some kind of accessories they have been told that they jus gotta have.

A few days ago another large photo of a bunch of assholes who dress like Santa Claus at some kind of Santa Claus Convention. Now there's some front page news fer ya, eh!! Now this kinda crap is on what used to be th National and World News page.

On page 2, news articles are summarised in ten little short paragraphs so ya don't get overloaded with a bunch of irrelevant details. Jus tell us that th Israelis and th Palestinians are fighting each other again. Ho-hum!

OK, OK! Fine, but, what about Jen and Vince? Brad and Jolie? Tom and Katy?
Katie Couric replaces Bob Schieffer? Ted Koppel is gone from Nightline? Not flashy enuff I spose. Next they'll be replacing Charley Rose with Star Jones. Sheeeit.

It's Dith-Picable!

th cap'm

Subject: News In The Third Millennium
Friday, July 14, 2006 11:07 PM

Star's Teen Son Saved. In th paper th headline was "Teen Springsteen Saved!". Obviously a much catchier title than my mundane offering. Oh well, thas why they're th pros and we're all jus chaff in th wind I spose, eh?

But anyway, I thought it was so cool to be able to read about that. (at first anyways) I'm prolly wastin your time cus you've most likely heard this before, but Evan Springsteen, th 15 y/o Son of th Bruce, fell into Lake Placid, outta his kayak and rangers had to pick him up. Yep, they had a special-ops team come in from Ft. Campbell, Ky. and made th “snatch.” No, no, no, Ha ha, I'm jus jivin ya bout that part. They were jus some regular lake rangers. I was jus embellishin a bit.

So at first I thought where else but in Amerika, ya'know? I mean, here we are with our Free Press, and we know when a rock star's kid falls in th water. We know what famous people's pets favorite foods are. Sheeit, we know everything because of our Freedom of th Press. D'ya think peoples in N. Korea know when one of their rock star's kids fall in th lake? Not a fookin chance amigo!

D'ya think Albanians would be privy to this kind of news about one of their rock stars? Nah, I don't think so!!

But after I got to thinkin bout it, I started to wonder; why this was just a small article tucked away in th paper? After all, a rock star's son had fallen in a lake, fr'chrissake! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! And then I read this,

"it happened earlier this month."



And th alarms and whistles started goin off. I heard a loud klaxon goin OOOOGA OOOOOGA and a booming voice sayin "This is th captain speaking. DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!"

and so I started spinning this huge wheel around and around watchin th dials in front of me as they counted off th depth. We tilted sharply downwards at an extreme angle and th Captain (not me you see, but a different Cap't) was screaming, "What th hell did you do? We're headed straight fer th bottom. FER TH LUV OF GAWD, MAN...PULL US OUT!"

and th sonar man was counting off the feet between us and th ocean floor And he was down to 600 feet and I was furiously spinnin th wheel in th other direction now. Down to 300 now. No change in our altitude. 200 feet! I could feel my deodorant starting to fail and as I looked at my mates a lotta em were perspirin heavily too. Now, I'm not a nit-pickin kinda guy but, I'm tellin ya, some of my mates have some rilly bad BO. We looked like a scene outta a submarine movie or somthin. haha I chuckled and told th guyz that, but they jus yelled at me to FOCUS,

And so at a 150 feet our attitude (th angle of th boat) was changing and th bow was starting to come up. Guyz were slappin each other on th back and stuff and punchin each other in th shoulder and a loud spontaneous cheer went up and some one yelled out.

"Three cheers fer th Captain'....HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP....."

and I thought they were talkin bout me, y'know, cuz, like, I'm a cap't too and so I stood up ta acknowledge my comrades accolades and let go of th wheel fer jus a sec ta raise my hands in triumph and a second later we smashed into th ocean floor at 60 knots an hour and every body aboard was killed instantly!

Scuse me, I was drifting a bit there. Where was I? OK! OK! Rock star. Kid. Lake. Earlier this month

When I saw that vague time listed there as "earlier this month" it got me to thinkin. Hmmmm. So th question arises;

How long have they been sittin on this story?

Why are we jus now hearin about it?

Has there been some kind of attempted cover up?

What did th Boss know? And when did he first know it?

Are there National Security Issues here?

Has some terrorist group taken credit fer this cowardly act?

Was Dick Cheney seen snorkelling in th area?

What is Karl Rove's role here?

What kind of instructions did Dick Nixon leave in his Will?

Why does th President hate th Bruce? And is that a factor here?

And one question led to another, as you can see, and so on, til there were

questions all over th place. All of em lying there; scattered willy-nilly about, stacked up in th corners like un-answered snow drifts!

So, my first impression, as I said, was one of Chest Swelling Pride at our

Freedoms. But now, I dunno. I'm wonderin if this Press I've been touting is not part of th cover up? Obviously there is a conspiracy here. How far does it go?

Who else has been targeted.

Now I'm wondering; if I might be next? I'm sure one of their minions has hipped em to th fact that I can't swim. Jus to be on th safe side, I'm gonna switch my cleaning operations from th bathtub to th shower mode, and I'm gonna avoid lakes and water kinda places.

th cap'm

Subject: Julia Louis-Dreyfus new sit-com
Monday, July 10, 2006 1:04 AM

I am still in Shock and Denial over her nomination fer an Emmy in this piece of dreck! Th question keeps runnin thru my mind,

"Whut th fuck were they thinkin?"

Ya know what I think? I think somthin smells fishy at th Emmy Selection Committee. No wait........thas not fish I'm smellin, that smells more like Shit to me. Mebbe thas it; they were havin severe diarrhea of th Mind.

Jus another small example boyz and gurlz of th Decline of our Civilization and Culture. Sometimes I think th Biblical Yahoos are correct and th End Times rilly are near! Th 'signs' are all around us.

th cap'm

Subject: Prescient Observation From th 30's
Monday, July 10, 2006 12:41 AM

My friend Ms Dorothy sent this to me.

The following was on a t-shirt she saw and is a quote from Sinclair Lewis as he watched the unfolding of Fascism in 1930s Europe. He predicted the same thing would happen here - fueled by Religion and Nationalism.


"When Fascism comes to American, it will be wrapped in a Flag and carrying a Cross." —Sinclair Lewis

With th shenanigans of our present crew in Washington, you could make th argument that it seems to have come to pass.

th cap'm

Subject: Un-fucking-Believable
Saturday, July 8, 2006 9:30 PM

Thas what I said when I came home early this morning and saw on some show where Julia Louis-Dreyfus has been nominated for a Grammy (is it a Grammy or an Emmy?) for her role in her sit-com called, The Adventures of New/Old Christine, a title which is not one tiny bit less stupid than th show itself I might add.

At first, I thought I was jus drunk and stoned and hallucinatin, or that mebbe she had been nominated fer a Get-outta-Town-Ticket fer her work, but nooo, it was fer an award of some kind. Then I thought mebbe I was jus havin a bad dream, but got rid of that notion when I cracked my shin on th way to th kitchen, and I realized as th pain was all too real, so must th rest be too.

If there has ever been a more needy, neurotic, un-sympathetic female character on a sit-com I can't imagine who it would be!! Even th most banal of situations are turned into hand-wringing, grasping, angst-laden comic/dramas. I don't know where her writers came from, but they are BAD!! They employ every cliche you've ever seen before on every other sit-com. Y'know, like, th one where somebody is sayin nasty things about some one else, and their embarrassment they realize th person they're bad-mouthin is standin right behind em. You've seen that one ten-thousand times. Oh, I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, it's reely bad. Wait at least thirty minutes after you've eaten before watchin this bilious crap. Seriously, yer stomach will be knottin up, altho not from th laughter!!

She seems to have an obsession, or else one of her writers do, with her boobs! Cus almost every episode they are referred to, at least once, sometimes 2-3 times. Fr'instance, in one episode, she is soo worried that th other mothers where her son goes to school won't like her, she sez to her lame-ass brother's character, (I don't know where they found this jerk)

"Maybe I should go home and put on some new boobs."

And th laugh track came on real heavy for that line. I was sittin there, wonderin, ?????? first of all, why was that funny? And secondly, what th fuck did it even mean?

Each episode will also manage to wiggle four or five brand names into a joke.

Like, one time she was lamenting th lack of excitement in her life and she said,
"Now th biggest excitement in my life is a 20% off sale at Target."

Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. Whew, man! Yeah, I know, pretty hilarious, eh? But jus typical of th side-splitters you'll hear there.

Some one asked her about her nomination, and her own re-action was,
"Unbelievable. I can't believe it."

See, even she can't believe it! She had to know every week taping that show how bad it was, and yet, and yet, she gets nominated for an Emmy? (or Grammy, whatever th fuck it is)

WOW!! All I can say is,


th cap'm

Subject: Those Pesky N. Koreans!
Wednesday, July 5, 2006 5:32 PM

Just who do they think they are, testing missiles? Do they think they're some kind of sovereign nation and can do whatever they want, or somthin? They went ahead and did this "provocative" act, in spite of Th Great White Father in Washington explicitly forbidding them to do so! He plainly told em, in perfectly understandable Engles, that it would displease him greatly! And yet, rebellious rogues they are, they went and did it anyway. Jus outta spite I spose.

So, how should we react? What should th Great White Father do now? Mebbe send em some small pox infested blankys? Ah no, we already did that with those 'redskins'. And I don't mean th football team, god forbid. I mean those other guys, y'know th ones; always runnin around in circles, whoopin and hollerin and carryin on like a bunch of wild savages. Ya remember? Th Rubes who used to live here first. Th one's who didn't know shit bout real estate, titles, torts or contracts? Th ones we traded beads and bells and whistles and mirrors and brightly colored swatches of cloth to, fer Prime property.

I know, I know, in a capitalist, free market, democratic system such as ours, these kinda tactics are, not only perfectly acceptable, but in fact laudable, cuz it's all fair and game, but still ya can't help but feel jus a bit sleazy bout it, huh? I mean, c'mon! Well, mebbe they learned their lesson. Mebbe th next time th Great White Father offers em a deal, they can hire a consultant, like, mebbe a Jack Abramoff, fr'instance, to help em get a fair shake.

Aw'right, scuuse me, I got off on a tangent there. We're still talking bout punishin th N. Koreans here. I think mebbe th solution here is not all that complicated boyz and gurlz; all we need to do is; simply wash their mouths out with soap! And send em to bed without any supper! (and sendin em to bed with no supper should be pretty danged easy since they don't have anything ta eat any way!

I dunno, mebbe thas too simplistic. Rather than sendin em ta bed with nothin ta eat, perhaps instead, we oughta give em a nice bowl of some Hiroshima Stew followed by some Nagasaki cookies fer dessert? Nah, nah, thas right, I forgot; we already done that too didn't we; to those other slanty-eyed dudes who make all our cars and TVs now. That didn't work out so hot in th long run, did it?

But still, th nerve of these N. Korean dudes! Jus because we've been testing missiles for th past 50 years, that doesn't mean they can now do so too. Gosh. what is wrong with them? What are they thinking?

Looky here, we already got our Nuclear Club, and th books are closed, OK? We don't want any more guys in th Club. We already got, like, th King's o' th World, (that be us) th Limey's, th Frogs, th Russkies, th Chinks, th Paki's, th Ghandi-Freaks and th Kikes. Thas plenty enuff. And all our current members are all responsible types too. None of our guys go around bullying other guys jus cuz we can.

Oh sure, sometimes we squabble a bit and sometimes, some of us feel it's necessary to invade other countries and stuff like that, but still, we do it only fer th purest of reasons, cuz it's fer their own Fucking Good! And if they're too fuckin ignernt to know that Democracy is what they need, then we'll jus Stay th Course as th Leader sez! We'll stay th course and stay there til th fuckin cows come home, or mebbe til Allah tells em that Democracy and th Free Market System is what they've been seeking all their lives. In either case, it's gonna be a long time.

OK, OK, I don't really know th answer. I guess I'm jus gonna havta leave it up ta th Wisdom of th Great White Father who, in his Infinite Wisdom will surely find a Just and Honorable Solution. Don'cha think? Mebbe he could get his buddy, Dick Cheney ta put in a good word at Haliburton, and they could jus buy th fuckin country.

th cap'm

P.S. No, seriously folks, I can never quite escape th hypocrisy of th United States getting all upset and taking th High Moral Ground and ringin th Bell of Indignation and Outrage about some other country tryin to obtain nuclear weapons, when we ourselves have some ten thousand of em!!

It's kinda like, if Bill Gates were to get all uppity and indignant and castigate th CEO of another company accusing him of trying to get rich! Ha ha Know whut I mean! Nah, it rings pretty hollow ta me!

Subject: 2004 XP-14
Tuesday, July 4, 2006 9:33 PM

Oh by th way, ya know that asteroid I tole ya about a few weeks ago that was gonna collide with th earth and destroy Civilization as we know it....well um.....evidently it missed! Ooops. Um.... yeah. I kinda dropped th ball on that one, eh. He he.

So ya can come on out of yer shelters and go on ahead with yer July 4th plans. But, ya know, hey, it was still a close call. It flew by a little over one LU away. (Lunar Unit) See in terms of th Universe, 270,000 miles is a puny, puny distance. So, altho, technically speaking, I was in error, not by very much actually, cuz Universally, it was extremely close.

Armageddons and Apocalypses and End of th World Scenarios can be tricky ta predict sometimes. I'm a bit concerned tho that I may have lost some Credibility, and as result of that loss, th next time I got an inside track on th End of th World, some peoples won't take me seriously. sigh It's not exactly easy bein a Visionary, ya know!

th cap'm

P.S. But looky here, here's th bright side. Now ya can go ahead and enjoy that can of tuna and that box of crackers ya stashed away. And they'll all be a lot tastier now that there's gonna be a Tomorrow. And another one after that, and...

Subject: Where were you at 5:58 PM today?
Tuesday, July 4, 2006 8:38 PM

It's a good thing you weren't driving east or west on 51st across Wornall. Oh boy, you'd be a mess right about now. I was sittin at that intersection in th left lane, headin North on Wornall towards th Plaza, waitin fer th light ta change. I glanced in my mirror and noticed a big grey SUV comin pretty fast in th right lane. I was wonderin when he was gonna slow down and stop. Fooled me, cuz he didn't even slow down!. He blew by me on th right doin 45-50. Right thru th red light! Oh, did I mention? dumb fuck was rappin on his phone, of course. Had you been driving east on 51st after a nice holiday picnic at Loose Park with th wife and kids ya'll would be all scattered about and DEAD right now!

This stupid fucking Idiot went thru that red light doin 50 mph and may not even know that he did it, evidently so engrossed in his all important conversation was he. Thas th thing bout drivers on their cell phones; every last one of em will tell ya they're very careful when they're drivin. Yeah, they say that cuz, so oblivious are they, that they aren't even aware of th shit they're causin.

I immediately flashed on that fucking idiot I wrote that letter ta th editor about last week. It's a shame he wasn't crossin at that intersection at that moment cuz we could have eliminated two fuckin Idiots from th Gene Pool and th World would be a safer place today with both of em gone! (hmmm somthin bout that last line sounds familiar)

I have written bout this intersection before. I don't know why it is, but north/south drivers, and particularly drivers in SUVs, run that light there all th time. I'm tellin ya, if yer ever there goin east or west, when th light changes, look both ways very carefully, make sure that SUV coming in yer direction actually comes to a stop before you venture across.

Whut in th hell happens ta peoples minds when ya put em in an SUV and give em a cell phone?
51st and Wornall. Goin east or west. Use caution

th cap'm

P.S. Below is whut I wrote about that intersection 2 1/2 years ago. Nothin has changed,


Date: Sun, Nov 16, 2003, 12:15pm
Subject: Fwd: A good place to die!

Sometimes peoples come up to me and say, "Yo cap't, where's a good place to die?"

I always recommend 51st and Wornall. It's a very simple process really; all you have to do is sit at the intersection going either east or west, doesn't matter which. here's what you do; look straight ahead, don't look to the right or to the left, only look directly at the stoplight....when the light turns green...accelerate straight ahead thru the intersection.... cuz, what the hell, you got a green light.........right!

However, at this particular intersection, chances are about 50/50 that some north or south bound asshole loon will T-bone yer ass doing about 60, thus causing you die right there.

For some inexplicable reason, peoples who travel Wornall along this strip, when the light changes yellow, even though they're in the middle of the block...they speed up....of course there's no way they can make it, so when the light does turn red, they're still 3-4 car lengths, they really tromp it, to ensure they're doing at least 60 as they blow thru the intersection.

I like to mess with assholes such as this. I some times sit there at the light, with my left foot on the brake, my right hand on the horn, and watch one of these jerks getting ready to blast thru and I spring forward, hitting the horn and the brake almost simultaneously, so that I hardly move at all; it's just a momentary lurch, but the illusion is that I'm pulling into the intersection.

What fun to see the wide-eyed horror in their eyes as they think they're about to have a really serious collision, as a result of their recklessly running a red light at 50-60 mph. My goal is that that Panic they experience momentarily, might make them think twice the next time they try to beat a light in such a foolhardy and dangerous manner, especially those who are talking on their cell phones at the time.

What do You do, boyz and gurls to foster safe driving in your community?

the capt

P.S. Another good way to show peoples such as this how annoying their behavior can be is to follow them and throw beer bottles thru their windows, while carefully outlining your position, so to speak. Sometimes this can be counter productive though, because in their haste to get away from you, they will prolly be running thru many a red light more.

Subject: Your Government Cares!!
Saturday, July 1, 2006 6:45 PM

I read an interesting stat in today's paper which I think indicates pretty clearly jus how much our govt representatives really care.

Back in 1997 Congress raised th minimum wage to a whopping $5.15 cents an hour. If ya put yer computer in th computer mode, you'll discover this comes to a staggering $10,712 bucks a year. It's still $5.15 cents an hour nine years later, and in case ya haven't noticed, prices have gone up in th past nine years!

However, these same Congress/peoples during this same nine years voted themselves THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND AND SEVEN HUNDRED DOlLARS IN RAISES!! But they still haven't raised th minimum wage one thin dime. Nada!! I mean, think of that. Jus th RAISES ALONE they gave themselves, are almost four times what th entire minimum wage is fer a year! And look here, in spite of th pressure put on them, have held steadfast and refused to raise it one iota. That takes Courage doesn't it? Or, on th other hand; it's FUCKIN OUTRAGEOUS!! Which is how I see it.

And these are th jobs th illegal immigrants are "stealing" from regular Amerikan folks?! C'mon. pleeeze!! Hey, I worked minimum wage jobs fer a good part of my life, and in case ya've never done that and didn't know it, I'm tellin ya; it's not exactly th Life of Riley!! Ya live in roach and rat infested fallin down places, often times with no utilities in th winter, tryin ta stay warm wearin every piece of clothing ya can get on, under six blanket, and if yer lucky enuff ta come by a 150 bucks, ya drive a worn out, rusted, broken down, 35-year-old Pinto that runs on th treads and won't start when th temp drops below thirty! Oh yeah, rilly, it's a blast! But sheeit, I always took great comfort knowin that my Rep in Washington wasn't goin without! snicker! snort!

I'm not jivin ya, it makes me sick! I always reach fer th vomit bag every time I hear one of those sleeze-balls justifying their latest ten thousand dollar raise by sayin that it's necessary to pay that kinda money, in order to attract th caliber of people like we have in Congress. Oh brothuh, give me a break!

Whutta crocka CACA! Ali Baba never ran across a Den of Thieves th likes of these.

th cap'm

Subject: Bring back th Guillotine!!
Saturday, July 1, 2006 4:25 AM

I'm all fer this idea. Yeah, thas right, th guillotine! Now I'm not talkin bout fer nostalgia's sake. I know, some peoples might think thas kinda barbaric, but I'm not talkin bout th Big G fer your ordinary serial killer, or run-of-th-mill brutal rapist, or mad dog terrorist.

No, I think it should be reserved for an "elite" brand of Criminal. One's whose special brand of mayhem merits such. I'm talkin bout th mutherfucker CEO's of th Oil Companies! A special brand of criminal who deserve a "special" treatment. After servin em all a nice crude oil and tomato sandwich fer their last repast, and after th KA-CHUNK, their heads could be collected and impaled on pikes and mounted in front of th Company Headquarters. When we say,

"Heads are gonna roll!!"

let's mean it, like, literally. A bit brutal perhaps? Mebbe, but considerin th scale of their brutalities on th population of th entire country, mebbe not! Cuz when th price of Energy goes up, Everything goes up.

Do ya remember jus a few years back when th heads of all th major tobacco companies, all swore under oath, one after another, that they didn't believe that nicotine was harmful or addictive, cuz they didn't believe that had been proven conclusively yet? haha Yeah right!

Well, we saw a similar farce played out after Katrina when these mega-greedy asshole Oil CEO's told us, while nudgin each other in th ribs and tryin mightily not ta bust out guffawin, and maintainin a straight face, that th three dollar prices at th pumps were th result of damaged refineries, lost and damaged oil rigs, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. Of course ya knew th fuckers were lying thru their teeth, jus like their tobacco counterparts, but whut th hell could ya do about it? Absolutely Nada!

Then prices dropped fer a bit, back down ta 2.50 a gallon WHOOPIE and we thought that was great, but lately they've been inching back up again, slowly, steadily, and now, as th Fourth of July weekend approaches, jus co-incidentally of course, they're back where they were after Katrina, and they're not even botherin to put on th usual dog and pony show. Sheeit. Whut th hell!! They don't have th time or inclination ta explain nothin ta nobody, cuz they're too busy drivin their bulldozers thru th mountains of money they're gougin out of each and every one of us, jus like Uncle Scrooge used ta do in th Donald Duck comics.

Isn't CAPITALISM great!!!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: I can't take it no more!!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:15 PM

Y'know, jus last week, I wrote (once again) about my most hated of cliches. Ya know th one I told ya about. (again) It's so odious, I can't even bring myself ta write it. That fuckin Andy Warhol!!!

Peoples oft times seem ta go waay outta their way so they can insert this, overdone, overused expression in their writing or commentary, as tho use of it will make them, "hip", I spose. I dunno. It's a mystery ta me why everyone seems ta feel th need ta say it, but it bugs th shit outta me. Mebbe thas why they do it? Mebbe they laugh and snicker and say stuff like,

"Wait til th cap't sees this. Boy htis is gonna piss him off. Har har"

It's been botherin me fer a long time now. Like, early on, as I developed my repugnance and disdain fer this cliche, I used ta try and find out where th violator lived or worked, so I could go there and throw rotten tomatoes at em, or mebbe TP their bushes and trees. I always left a cryptic note sayin, "Fer bein Stoopid."

But I had ta give up this practice cuz I was spendin all my time travelin around th country, from city ta city, markin my next stop on th map, alla time with a trunk full of tomatoes and toilet paper.

One time. after a deployment ta Tongonoxie, I had a copper stop me. And after searchin my car and findin th contents of my trunk, he got suspicious. I splained ta him that I had an insatiable cravin fer tomatoes, but unfortunately they gave me th "runs", so I always had ta be prepared. Luckily fer me, th offendin reporter at th Tongonoxie Daily Republican hadn't discovered whut had happened ta his crib yet, so th Man let me go on my way. A close call. Shudder.

After that I figured there wasn't any way I could stop th Madness by myself. There were jus too many dumb fucks out there fer me ta handle. It seemed like th whole culture was infected. So ever since then, I jus grit my teeth and grind my jaws in quiet frustration.

Until today, that is.This was too much ta take. In today's paper in th Metro section, now called th Local, there is a picture on th front page of an old railroad bridge that is bein moved from th River Market area ta th Crossroads district. Above th picture is this caption,


Sheeit ese, I let out a shriek when I read that. I became instantly enraged. No shit! And almost lost control of my car. Whew. This was right in th middle of rush hour traffic, see, and cuz I had fergotten my phone and didn't have nothin ta do but drive, Boring! naturally I figured whut better time ta read th paper! I swerved inta th next lane and assholes were honkin and yellin stuff and I was wavin th paper pointin at th offendin caption, so they would know whut I was upset about and so they would know I wasn't jus some kinda Maniac. They jus kept yellin and flippin me off. Sheeit. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth th effort to try and enlighten th ignernt masses?

But see, this is a perfect example of whut I've been rantin about all these years. This senseless, needless effort ta overwhelm us with this tripe. I mean, how absurd is it ta put a caption like that over a fuckin bridge, fr'chrissake!!! Do ya see th lengths people swill go ta, jus to use that.

A bridge? Fifteen minute of fame? Oh, C'mon! Pleeeze!

Back in th olden days I woulda gone ta th closet and picked up muh shootin iron that I hung up years ago swearin I'd never strap in on again, but times change, eh! So, now, here in th Third Millennium, I think it's time instead, that I go ta th store and pick me up some tomatoes and some toilet paper! Some times, events jus keep pullin ya back in.

Th Cap't rides again!!!

Subject: Buyin Amerikan
Monday, June 26, 2006 3:44 PM

Did'ja happen ta see th article in today's paper where Ford Motor Company's, "Buy American", ad campaign is a bit misleading cuz a research firm found that fully 35 % of Ford's Mustang came from abroad, while Toyota's Sierra mini-van was 90 % American.

Ha ha Th Japanese car is more American than th American car. That is jus a bit weird isn't it!

th cap'm

Subject: Latest News in th Utterly Insane "War on Drugs"
Monday, June 26, 2006 3:31 PM

I read in th paper last week where, in spite of all our efforts to th contrary, coca production in Columbia is up 8% over last year. We have wasted over four BILLION dollars in th last six years on this Coca Plant Eradication Project in Columbia. And th net result is, drum roll please; coca production is up 8 %!! Ha ha.

I mean, rilly! Is that not insane? This is jus another example of th Futility and utter Waste of th Anti-Drug programs we so enthusiastically promulgate.

But do ya think anyone would ever suggest we stop this ridiculous project? Hell no!! Are ya kiddin?? Jus because it is an obvious and blatant failure? Be labelled as "soft" on th War on Drugs? How do ya think that would look like to th voters in Peoria come re-election time!!

Maybe if we doubled th money fer this eradication program we could at least keep production at a zero gain. Boy, whut a Victory that would be to take back to th Morons, commonly known as th "electorate", eh!. Well, sheeit, ya take yer Victories where ever ya can get em!

Tell me, do ya seriously think a single, solitary teenager, has ever decided not to do drugs as a result of those ridiculous ads on th TeeVee. Sheeit, they're a joke! Th kids think they're a joke. Listen ta em laugh when they see one. And yet they still spend 500 million dollars a year on em.

Same thing about th DARE programs in schools. They did some studies that found that kids who had been thru such programs in middle school, were if fact slightly more likely to do drugs, than their peers who hadn't! But jus try and suggest that ya stop such nonsense.

"OOOh Noooo! And leave our poor children defenseless!!"

And do ya know whut th sponsors of that program's response was ta th revelation that their program, after spendin billions of dollars on, wasn't gettin th desired results was???


Ha ha. No jive! Thas th kinda mindset yer dealin with!

See, th peoples who run and make their livings off such blatant wastes of money will fight ya tooth and nail to hang on to those lucrative gigs. They will tell ya that those studies can't really measure their true effectiveness. Well, whut th hell, there are CEO's of corporations that spew unimaginable amounts of toxins in th air who will tell ya that “global warming” is jus a bunch of hot air too!!

I think History will judge this current, "War on Drugs" as one of Humankind's more ridiculous and inconsequential Follies. Much th same way we view Prohibition today. A gigantic waste of Money, Manpower, Resources, and Energy, all fer, ab-so-lutely NOTHIN!

This is a totally fabricated "War", that, given Human's propensity to, "get away from it all", as demonstrated by every Society that ever existed, is Doomed to Failure by our very own Nature

Th wars Society fights against drugs, prostitution, gambling, etc.have been goin on since recorded history, and yet they're still with us. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a Society where these things won't flourish, and to criminalise them in an effort to eliminate them is utterly Stupid, not to mention, Impossible.
Wouldn't ya think after millenia of Wars on these things, some one would finally say,

"Gee, ya know whut guys, we don't seem ta be makin any progress here?

Whadda ya say we jus ferget th whole thing, eh!"

Sheeit. Hey, I got a good idea fer a War. Why don't we declare a War on War? Yeah! Make it illegal to wage War. Wouldn't that be nice?! A planet where no wars are bein fought by anyone? "Peace on Earth!"

Do ya rilly think that will ever happen? Not a fuckin chance, Jack! Humans are, and have always been, a violent, aggressive, savage species. It is in our Nature to be so. Two hundred years from now Wars will still being fought. Two hundred years from now, if only ten Humans have survived whutever apocalypse we bring down on our selves, check it out; they will break up into two groups and try and destroy th other.

Sheeit, ya might as well declare a War on Drugs. Ha ha

Like th, "War on Terror", we are engaged in now. This is also a War that will Never be won. This War will still be going on 50 years from now. Th killing recently of Al-Zarkawi in Iraq means absolutely nothin in th big scheme of things. Oh sure, it was nice to kill th murderous mutherfucker!! I stepped a bit more sprightly that day myself, but it's not gonna change anything.

It's kinda like eradicating a huge, giant coca field and mistaking that fer some kind of victory. While it's great, other coca fields are bein sown all th time to make up fer th loss, so nothing of real significance occurs.

Of course I was jus bein facetious when I suggested a War on War, but seriously, I think, in light of all these other Wars, we oughta declare a War on Stupidity. We should go out and round up all th Stupid peoples and put em all in Re-Education Camps similar to th ones th Chinese ran under Mao durin th Cultural Revolution and then refined by Pol Pot in Cambodia in th '70s.

Then, whuts left of us could sit around, drinkin, and whorin and getting stoned and gamblin in Peace and Good Will. (btw thas 'gambling' not gaming)

th cap'm

Subject: Surfin' bird - The Trashmen
Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:44 PM

Ya know somthin? Lyrics of songs today are jus so lame compared to th song writers of years past. This is a good example of what I'm talking about.Ya jus don't hear lyrics of this caliber anymore. sigh!

th cap'm

Saturday, June 24, 2006 2:52 PM

A pall of Gloom that has been lying heavily over th MidWest fer th past couple of weeks dissipated this afternoon, as tho a magic wand had swept it away. I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, that St Anthony; he'sa quite a guy! Man, did he take care of me today!

Lissen to this. I was at th laundromat and transferring my clothes from th washer to th dryer and ZOUNDS!!!

I FOUND MY EARRING at th bottom of th tub!! Hallelujah! I let out a loud celebratory, "OH FUCK!" and I wanted to leap up in th air and click my heels a la Charlie Chaplin style, but of course, no one actually does that in real life.

But anyway, ya may recall, It was two weeks ago today when I first noticed it missing. I searched high and low fer it before I finally enlisted St. Anthony's help a few days later, and now, Voila! I'm tellin ya; th guy is GOOD!

Yeah, but looky here, thas not all. When I took my clothes outta th dryer I then found FORTY-FIVE dollars and fifteen cents in one of th dryers!! Two 20's, a 5, a nickel and a dime. Cool, huh!!

And good fortune continued. I came home and decided to finally take th mail outta my mailbox which had been accumulating fer several days, and my driver's license was in there!!!! I have no idea how it got there or how long it's been there...but there it was!!!

So.... all in one day, I recovered my earring, my driver's license and a 45 dollar bonus on top of it!!!

Man, I feel like singin in th rain! And I would too if it were rainin, and if I could sing, but since I can't do those things, I'm gonna lay a Fiver on th first cat I see standin on th corner with a sign around his neck, and I'm dedicatin my first ten beers tonite to my Man, St. Anthony!! He DOES take care of business!!

Y'know, with a streak like this goin, I prolly oughta go out and buy my first lottery ticket ever!

th cap'm

P.S. Oh yeah, I almost fergot; ya know what else? My good day all started off when I woke up today and my right elbow felt almost normal. I've had tendonitis there fer th past five months and Im gettin pretty tired of dealin with it. Some nites it gets to th point where I even gotta drink left-handed. It makes fer an awkward situation cuz I sometimes lose control of my glass resultin in loss of Product due to spillage. hmmm Ya know, now that I think about it, I'm wonderin if mebbe St. Anthony didn't put in a good word fer me with th Patron Saint of Fucked-up Tendons? Well, I hope yer day was as good as mine.

Subject: Time Travel Fantasy
Thursday, June 22, 2006 5:29 PM

Did'ja ever fantasize about bein able to travel back in Time and change somthin? I do! I am reminded of this fantasy several times a week. Now, of course, I think every one wishes they could do some things over again, handle some situation differently, but I'm not talkin bout that kinda thing. I'm talkin bout changin history.

Like, I wish I could go back to that point in Time jus a second before Andy Warhol uttered his now famous cliched expression,

"In the Future, every one will be Famous for fifteen minutes!"

I can't explain why I hate that saying so much, but I do! It's irrational I know. There's no real justification why it should bug me so much, but it does!! For me, it's th worst cliche of all cliches and I jus loathe it. Every time I hear it, which is a lot, it makes me cringe. But ya can't escape it. It's every where. You'll hear some one say somthin, like,

"Well. he/she got their fifteen minutes......" and they don't even have to explain what they mean cuz there's no one in th English speaking world at least, who won't know exactly what they mean! I don't like th expression, dammit! And furthermore, I don't like peoples who use it either!

So, my Fantasy is this; in th mili-second before Andy sez this, I sneak up behind him and bash him on th head with a big rock!!! I hit him rilly hard and knock him unconscious! He remains in a coma fer a long time, and when he finally emerges, he goes to complete th thought he had jus before he got knocked kazoo, but now he thinks he's Porky Pig and he looks up and sez,

"Whus up, Doc?"

And some one there writes down what Andy sez upon re-awakening, and so then every one goes around sayin,

"Whus up, doc?"

But sometimes, when I think about this, I have a slight variation on it where I like to think when he wakes up, now he thinks he's Daffy Duck instead, and so he sez, without even thinkin bout it or knowin why,

"Yer Dith-Picable!"

and so peoples say this alla time instead of talkin about, y'know, like, "fifteen minutes". and so then I won't have to listen to that fer the next 30+ years.

It jus depends on what kind of mood I'm in at th time, y'know whut I mean? Like, whether I wanna indulge in th Porky Pig or th Daffy Duck Fantasy?

How bout you boyz and gurlz, do you have fantasies like that too?

th cap'm

Subject: Responses to my question about Yancy's Sincerity
Wednesday, June 21, 2006 11:05 PM

Mebbe ya remember a few days ago I put forth th question about whether Yancy Walker was bein straight up with us, vis a vis his views on cell phone usage while driving, or whether he was talkinoutta th side of his mouth. Some peoples wrote back with their thoughts.


"He did identify himself as being from Grain Valley which is like East Independence and you think he might have been speaking Tongue in Cheek? Yeah he has his other Meth dealers to talk with." TD (do I detect some anti-eastern bias here? ch)

"I think he's being straightforward. If he were trying to be ironic, I think he would have signaled his intention somewhere. If he's trying to be tongue-in-cheek, he's way too subtle." th Sally-Gurl (sally! Always on point. always succinct. ch)

"I think Mr. Walker is being serious. sad. I would also bet that as soon as he gets in his car accident while on a call, he changes his stand." linda (i would be glad to be th catalyst fer his change of mind. ch)

"C'mon Charley, you had it right in the first place. The guy is a fucking idiot." josh (watch yer language! this is a family page ch)

"I don't like your tone cap't. It's not like you to show doubt. I don't want to hear this kind of weakness coming from you. It shakes my foundations. LOL." A-Dawg (get a grip man!!!! ch)

"Cap't, I thought by now you of all people would know the difference between stupidity and tongue-in-cheek since you are the Master at it." Steve (yes grasshopper, you speak th Truth. ch)

"I think he's right. I think you're just jealous because you don't know anyone to talk to while you're driving. In fact, no one wants to talk to you anytime." carl (jus cus peoples hang up on me don't necessarily mean they don't wanna talk to me. nyah, nyah, nyah. ch)

"The truth? You can't handle the Truth!!!! Amy (th Truth shall set you free! ch)

"I agree." john (since i asked a question, i'm not sure what john means here? ch)

"What's going on? Normally it's you standing on your soapbox telling us WHAT IT IS! Now you're asking our opinion! Have you stopped taking your meds?" Carl (what soapbox? what meds? where? ch)

I liked this one best.

"Maybe cap't you should spend more time looking into Mr. Walker's intentions and leave the good folks from Kansas alone. We do know where you live you know!" Big D (oh yeah! bring it on clodhopper ch)


By th way, th Star printed my response to Yancy in th letters to th editor today. But no big deal, cuz, like, you already got it from me Personally!!! So, ya know what that means; that means, YER SPECIAL!!!

th cap'm

Subject: I've gone and done it again!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006 9:27 PM

Curses! Curses! Curses! Why does this shit happen to Me all th time? Huh? I wanna know! I went to cash a check at th bank earlier and needed my driver's license fer ID and searched thru my wallet and discovered I didn't have it. It wasn't in my wallet where it was supposed to be, It wasn't on th floor or under th seats or anywhere in th car. When I got back to th crib, it wasn't any place here either? In other words, I'VE LOST MY FUCKIN DRIVER'S LICENSE!!

I hesitate to even mention it to St. Anthony cuz he's still lookin fer my earring, god knows where? (Ha ha a bit of humor there) I mean, I know he has other clients too and I have no idea when a Being of his Nature finally gets over loaded, over worked, stressed out to th point, where he jus throws his hands up in disgusted frustration and sez,

"Enuff! Enuff already! Dammit, gimme some slack, eh! I'm workin my ass off here. I can only do so much, y'know! Besides everyone else, I got th cap't calling on me nite and day like clock work. 'Hey tony, I lost this, hey Tony, can ya help me find this, hey Tony....' Sheeit, I haven't had a day off in god only knows how long!" ("god only knows how long?" Ha ha That Tony!! He's a card. Ha ha)

Mebbe if I jus sorta mentioned it in casual conversation, like,

"So, yo Tony, like, I was at th bank today and was gonna cash a check, but I couldn't, cuz I seemed to have misplaced my ID, so then I went to Osco's and, man, you'll never guess who I ran into......blah, blah, blah."

And mebbe th subtle mention of my lost driver's license won't seem like a direct request fer intervention, but, still, th fact will register. Th last thing I wanna do is compromise th cordial, friendly relationship I have with him as a result of my continual whining requests fer assistance, cuz altho he is

"he Champion of Lost Things", I also am,


There's simply no one else around who loses things on a regular, continual, ongoin basis like I do. And believe me, I'm not braggin when I say that either! I take no pride in this dubious claim. Sheeit, I can't remember what Life was like when I wasn't thrashing wildly about, from one room to another, on a daily basis, picking up this, looking under that, goin thru these, searchin fer my glasses, rings, phone, wallet, money, etc, etc,etc, on and on, ad nauseaum. It's disgustin!

Sheeit. I think I'll jus get drunk and stoned and ferget all about it! Jus push it all out th back door of my consciousness into th back yard of my mind and let it jus sit there, til I feel like dealin with it.

Yeah, thas th ticket!

th cap'm

Subject: Small bit of Trivia
Wednesday, June 21, 2006 6:22 AM

Amerika is Number One! Did you know that th United States spends more money on Defense, (a whopping 455 BILLION dollars) than all other countries in th world combined!!

th cap'm


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