May 30, 2006
Captain, never cries over spilled rice but
wonders if Bird Flu is a form of revenge.
Loose Park Duck Caper
Date: Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:35 AM
Perhaps ya'll have read this account before. If so, my apologies,
but I'm in a nostalgic mood and reliving some of those "good
times", so bear with me.
See, like, early on, I honed my hunting skills as a young boy, armed
only with a Daisy Repeater BB rifle and my trusty Boy Scout knife,
pitting myself against the wily sparrows and robins that flitted about
After word of my hunting prowess spread, It didn't take too long
before the avian community shunned the tree in my back yard all together,
forcing me to go further afield, to my next door neighbors yard in
quest of game. Soon, I was known and feared throughout the "hood."
Now, I guess a lot of gurls didn't have those kinds of "early-life
experiences." They were no doubt too busy playing with their
dolls and such and playing 'dress up', much as they're still doing
today I venture. However it occurred to me just recently, like,
"Why can't we all just get together and have some good clean
So, after pondering this notion for a while, I sent this ad into
to the "personals" which I have never done before, looking
for that "special someone" to fill that void in my life.
Here's the ad I ran,
"SWM Hunter. Looking for intelligent like minded, nurturing
female, race not an issue, who shares my Passion for stalking, killing
and gutting wild animals such as sparrows, squirrels, rabbits, cows,
etc, etc. Must be a caring, sensitive individual with large breasts
who is willing to foray to the art gallery or to the local bookstore
when we're not out in 'the killing fields.' Please send a large color
photo of your current weapons systems to Capt. Hoohah, Great White
Hunter at Large."
Well, sheeit, it's been two weeks now and I haven't had a single
fucking response. Man, what's th deal here? You try and be a sensitive
Third Millennium kind of guy by "reaching out" and trying
to "share" and what does it get you? Nada, amigos!! Nada
a fucking thing!! It's enough to make ones bile flow like the Amazon
during the rainy season, you know whut I mean? Well enuff' of this
rancor and bitterness, I am going to share a recollection of happier
times with you from the past, This was a superb day.
I had just received an E-Mail from a friend of mine about a hunting
trip he just got back from. It seems that Grotor and a couple of friends
went out on a cold, rainy, nasty morning in search of some game. From
his description of their trip, it sounded to me like a four hour trip
from hell with no results, except for the sighting of a German shepard,
which, incidentally, they missed! Tsk, tsk. I always recommend a high
powered scope for th best results.
Now, the last time I went hunting, I started off the day around 10:30,
on a pleasant morning, down at the Classic Cup, in the Country Club
Plaza District, with a hearty breakfast of some eggs Benedict, some
spinach and cheese quiche, and a robust cup of Lite Almond Mocha Cappuccino
to get me going. In case you've never been there before, this is a
favorite place for hunters and fishermen to gather, before going out
into the wild.
After finishing my repast, I got into the Town Car and directed my
driver a couple blocks south to the killing fields, sometimes known
as the Loose Park Duck and Goose Pond. He retrieved my various supplies
from the trunk including a nice bottle of slightly chilled Merlot,
with a bold, yet not audacious nose, and set up a most comfortable
lawn chair. He put on a lovely Stravinsky piece on the sound system,
and I prepared to do battle with the feral fowls.
There were approximately 35 to 40 Duck/Geese (I had forgotten my
Audubon Field Guide, which accounts for the uncertainty in identification.)
critters honking and squawking about, as though they didn't have a
care in the world. Ha ha. Surprise!
Well, in any case. my man set up my communications system with my
hunting partner Capt. Gunther Bohunk. We had decided on using the
A-10 Warthog as our weapon of choice. Although it's primary mission
is that of "tank killer" we found that it also adapted to
the role of goose killer very nicely. Using those twin
40 mm mini-guns in the nose, firing a depleted uranium round at a
combined rate of 200 rounds a second, it makes a formidable anti-Duck/Goose
weapon. Well, you know, if it'll take out a tank, you can pretty much
figure what it'll do to a goose, eh! With this dude you never find
"Hey, I think I may have winged him, Ha ha."
Well, I lay back in my lawn chair, sipped at my Merlot, unwrapped
a Cuban cigar and figured out the coordinates. I relayed these figures
to Lunceford and he cranked up the communications system and relayed
the data to Bo, and gave him the Go signal.
On his first pass he came in too high and missed the pond altogether,
although he did take out the top three floors of the apartments flanking
the park. I was quite dismayed and I'm afraid I rebuked Lunceford
rather sharply. I thought it rather cheeky his mild retort that he
had given the co-ordinates as instructed, but I good naturedlly made
a couple of small corrections, Gunther's next pass was spot on. The
whole pond erupted as though a powerful bomb had gone off there. Bits
of feather and other duck related debris, drifted down for the next
minute or so covering the Town Car with a light dusting of greyish
white duck down.
Man!! What a Rush!!! There's nothing quite like the primeval feeling
of Elation and Exultation when Man goes up against Beast, and emerges
I leaped up out of my chair in a completely spontaneous burst of
unrestrained JOY and pumped my fist skyward and let out a hearty,
YEAAAH! A veritable Triunph of the Human Spirit. Oh man, th adrenaline
Later, after a few relaxing cups of some soothing herbal tea, I did
send letters of condolence to the survivors in the apt. building across
the way. It's unfortunate that you sometimes have this collateral
damage in the Hunting Game, but, hell, Life itself can be Unfortunate
sometimes, eh! Es la Verdad, no? What are we going to do? Give up
our Sport because of a few malcontents? Ban Hunting or something!
No and No and No, I don't hardly think so!!
And you know what; even though there were no pieces of duck to eat,
oreven to ritually rub a bit of blood on our cheeks, it didn't really
matter. Cuz that wasn't the whole point. The main thing was,
And, what a THRILL it was!!!
Like I said, boyz and gurlz, a Superb day! All our days should be
Reflections of a Former
Date: Monday, May 29, 2006 11:54 PM
Yep! That would be, none other than, Moi. Not only wuz I a gang-banger,
I wuz in fact El Supremo of my set. Numero Uno. I ran th show. We
were th "Gumer Street Gangsters" (thas pronounced goom-er,
as in boomer) of Dayton, Ohio. Our turf wuz th West side of Smithville
Road. Guys on th East side of Smithville; they were th Enemy!
This wuz in 1951. We were th hooligans of th hood and I wuz th head
hooligan. We all went ta Holy Rosary and we were all in th fourth
and fifth grades. There were eight or nine of us mobbed up. When we
decided ta form up, everybody wanted my older brother Earl ta be Prez
since he wuz th toughest, but I thought I deserved ta be prez cuz
I wuz th smartest. Like, heavy-hitters are a dime a dozen, dig, but
I figured an Organization needed some grey matter at th top, y'know
whut I mean. When I mentioned that very thing, th guyz looked at me
"Whut th heck are youse talkin about? Grey matter? Whas sat?"
And I said, "Youse guys jus made my case fer me!"
Y'see, after all, I had been Honor Student Of The Year (* see below)
at Mount Sacred Heart Military Academy in th first grade. I figured
I wuz pretty hot shit, y'know. No one else could make that claim.
No one else had ever been Honor Student of The Year. So I laid th
situation out fer em in no uncertain terms, terms they could unnerstan.
"If I can't be Pres I'm not gonna play!"
Y'know, I gave em an Ultimatum! What an asshole, right?! Ha ha. Somebody
suggested they oughta punch me out which is xactly whut my bro wuz
gettin ready ta do when cooler heads prevailed. Mine that is. I suggested
a compromise, namely that I be Pres and my bro could be Vice Pres,
And so it came ta pass.
However it didn't take too long before I realised, that Earl wuz
in fact th real Boss, and I wuz jus a figurehead.
This rankled me, so every now and then I felt th need ta assert my
Authority. I figured peoples got ta show th Pres a certain amount
of respect, right?
We had our clubhouse in whut used ta be th coal bin in our basement.
So, one time I wuz tryin ta conduct a meeting there and fuckin Rossi
kept cuttin up, foolin around, gigglin and whisperin, and payin no
attention ta me at all. I wuz tryin ta run down a new secret code
I had developed, Ya know how that goes in th gang biz; in any gang
worth a hill of beans, ya gotta have a secret code. It's de rigeur.
So I'm standin there at th blackboard tryin ta splain how it wuz
gonna work and that damned Rossi pushed me. I warned him. I warned
him ta knock that crap off or there'd be serious consequences, but
he jus kept it up.
Man, that fuckin Rossi pushed me; he pushed me too far, Rossi did! I had ta take action. He forced me ta. It wuzn't so much that he wuzn't respectin ME, but that he wuz disrespectin th Office of Th Presidency. (does that sound familiar?) So I acted, not in my own interest, but in th interest of th
So, I had th guys drag Rossi out of th clubhouse into th basement
where I had him tied ta one of th support poles and I forced Tommy
Green (Rossi and Tommy were tight) ta lay th leather on im. Fer th
record, it wuz only a stick with a piece of rope tied ta it, but it
worked very nicely. I figured a good flogging might take a bit of
th surliness out of him. Sheeit, I woulda keelhauled, if we'd had
Well, Tommy had barely gotten started on im and Rossi started bawlin
like a baby, and then that fuckin pussy Tommy started bawlin even
louder than Rossi. He wuz weak, Tommy wuz. I began ta wonder If Tommy
had th balls ta be a Gumer Street Boy or not, so then I had him tied
ta another pole and I got Robin ta administer th Justice. Man, my
basement sounded like a pig slaughter house with all th squealin goin
on. In short order, my mom heard all th commotion and came down ta
see whut wuz goin on and Rossi and Tommy were both cryin and carryin
on and sayin,
"Mrs Dreck, make th cap't stop. I'm gonna tell my mommy. Whine!
Whine! Boo hoo hoo."
Sheeit, it wuz disgustin, I'm tellin ya. Guys in my crew breakin
down like that. My mom made us untie em and they both went tearin
up th stairs, gettin outta Dodge, whinin and cryin and bawlin th whole
My mom sez,
"You jus wait til your Daddy comes home young man. You're gonna
get a whippin you won't ferget."
And, whew! Wuz she right, cuz I do still remember it 54 years later.
Oh man, my ol man got out th special belt he used fer Class A offenses.
This wuz a rilly heavy thick plastic belt that took yer skin away
with it on th backstroke. Wow. I took a lickin, I wanna tell ya!
In spite of th welts and bruises I figured it wuz worth it ta insure
Order and Respect within th ranks, ya dig! I can tell ya one thing,
altho Rossi and Tommy couldn't conceal smug grins when they saw my
legs and backside, I never had any trouble with em again, vis a vis
Now, Skipper!! That SOB. He jus about brought th whole Organization
down. But thas another matter fer another day.
* by th way, that gives me a good idea fer my own bumper sticker
ta put ta counter all those other assholes braggin bout their punk
ass Honor Roll students they tell everyone about with their bumper
stckers, I'm gonna get one that sez,
"Honor Student Of The Year,1st Grade 1947!"
Whadda'ya think? Do ya think peoples behind me will be impressed enuff ta honk or somethin?
A Story Continued, coming to a Conclusion.
Date: Monday, May 29, 2006 5:15 PM
OK, where was I? Oh yeah. RESPONSIBILIY. Dammit! It's time peoples
started acceptin Responsibility fer their Irresponsible ways, Y'know
whut I mean!
Like whut happened ta me last nite! I'm lookin at this dried up rice
scattered all over and stuck ta my kitchen floor.....and whose fault
is that ya ask? Whose gonna take Responsibility fer that? Well, shit
we all know who oughta; but will th guilty parties acknowledge it?
Hell no! But I'm gonna hold em responsible!! I'm not goonna let em
walk on this one.
I'm gonna sue th manufacturer of that pot, with it's shoddily designed
and ill manufactured handle. There is an obvious design flaw there,
otherwise I would never have dropped it in th first place, would I?
Of course not. They need ta accept Responsibility!
Awright, next; those assholes who manufactured th dishwasher unit.
Jus how hard would it be fer them ta install an air bag on that door,
huh? Y'know, if they can send a man ta th moon, why can't they put
a fookin air bag on th dishwasher door? Tth answer is; they could
if they wanted! If nothin else they could at least pad th damn thing
so as ta minimize injuries ta consumers such as myself who happen
ta occasionally fall on their appliance. But nooo. Obviously, Consumer
Safety is not high on their list of priorities, is it? It's time fer
them ta accept Responsibility.
OK, even though th bartender where I imbibed earlier in th evening
is a good friend of mine, it is blatantly apparent that he over-served
me. Fr'instance, witness my crashin about the kitchen, unable ta maintain
my perpendicularity and fallin on th dishwasher door. Hardly th actions
of a sober person, eh?. One doesn't fall on their head fer no apparent
reason, do they? Th answer ta this one is simple once again; it's
NO. It's time he accepts Responsibility.
Now then. there is th owner of th joint, who also happens ta be a
friend of mine, BUT, he needs ta be sued fer showin such bad judgement
in th hiring of his personnel. HE needs ta accept Responsibility!
Whut about th those peoples who make that Budweiser? I'm talking
Anheuser-Busch Brewing Co. Said product of which I consumed waay too
much. There is no notice on those bottles sayin,
"Warning! Warning! The Surgeon General advises that excessive
use of this product may cause one to drop their rice bowls and fall
on the dishwasher!!"
Nada word. Oh sure, there's a caution there about pregnant women
and drivin vehicles, but, do I look like a pregnant woman? And th
answer ta that my friends is, once again, NO! Whut good does that
do me at 4 in th morning!! They need ta take Responsibility.
And I know I might be stretching it here a bit, but there may be
some way ta even connect th makers of th Uncle Ben's Rice product
ta this debacle? They could do somethin! Mebbe a simple warning such
"Warning! Warning! The Surgeon General advises against the use
of this product in conjunction with Irresponsible Manufacturers of
badly designed Appliances while under the influence of Intoxicating
Beverages sold by Irresponsible Brewers and served by Irresponsible
Bartenders in Joints owned by Irresponsibe Owners" or, y'know,
somethin ta that effect. Peoples jus don't want ta accept Responsibility
fer their irresponsible ways!!
Whut is with peoples anyway? I jus don't get it! We have apparently
become a Nation of peoples who always wanta point th Finger of Blame
at some one else. Sheeit.
it jus doesn't hardly pay ta get drunk!!
Date: Monday, May 29, 2006 6:11 AM
It wuz one of those nites. Yeah, it wuz one of those nites! Whut
I'm talkin bout is; last night I came home and decided ta fix myself
some victuals as I am often wont ta do early of a morn.
THIS wuz a mistake boyz and gurlz. We know from past kitchen experiences
under similar circumstances, that of all peoples I shoulda known better
than ta step into th kitchen in my drunken loon condition. Whut wuz
I thinkin? Like, do we never learn from our past mistakes? Are we
doomed ta commit th same follies over and over ad nauseaum, a la Santayana?
Well, it would seem so. My misadventure started when I attempted
ta remove a large pot of previously prepared rice from th icebox,
(sometimes known as a refrigerator) Somethin went horribly wrong.
It happened so fast I don't even know how it happened; but I lost
my grip and I wound up with this cauldron of rice crashin all over
th kitchen floor. It wuz rice rice here, rice rice there, rice rice
everywhere! Oh McDonald, it wuz a fookin mess! My first thought wuz,
"Oh sheeit! Whut am I gonna eat now?"
and while I wuz contemplatin that, plus tryin ta figure out how ta
deal with th mess, I wuz so heavy into thought that I completely forgot
ta maintain my balance (this is not an unusual occurrence) and found
myself careening over backwards landin on th open door of my dishwasher,
crunchin it all th way ta th floor. This is a position it wuzn't originally
designed ta execute.
I deftly rolled off th door over on ta my hands and knees, and managed
ta obtain a wobbly, mostly perpendicular stance usin th solidity of
th wall as an aid from which ta observe th damage. Curses! Th fuckin
dishwasher door wouldn't close now. Fortunately th utility closet
wuz only steps away and I just happened ta have a "dishwasher
door closing implement" there. (sometimes known as a hammer)
Well, after nine or ten hearty whacks, I managed ta get it closed
and locked into place. Not so strangely, it looked pretty beat up
when I got done. Ha ha. I'm hopin my landlord, who lives upstairs
doesn't get too inquisitive as ta why I wuz hammerin at 4 in th morning?
Whut a mess!! I got rice everywhere and I had no way of dealin with
it at all, cuz th last time I moved, I purposely left my shovel behind.
I had gotten tired of luggin th damned thing around from place ta
place fer years on th off chance I might need it someday ta bury somethin
in th backyard. It never occurred ta me that someday, I might need
it ta move a mountain of rice.
Now........ here I am with this mountain of rice and no shovel ta
work with. Ya might say, ta use th old cliche, "that I wuz up
shit-creek without a shovel" or somthin like that. Finally, in
a moment of rare clarity, I decided that mebbe I should forego th
whole eatin project and try and deal with it on th morrow cuz I felt
that th ability ta be able ta stand upright without usin any walls
would make th clean-up effort all so much easier. So, usin th steadyin
effect of th walls as an aid, I made it ta my rack fer my appointment
to be continued......Th Consequences; Accepting Responsibility
This is for all you Astronomy Buffs out there.
Date: Monday, May 29, 2006 4:52 AM
Last nite, at th saloon, I happened ta overhear an interesting and
informative bit of information about astronomy. Oh sure, one can get
a well rounded education from watchin th Teevee nof course, but if
ya listen carefully, ya can always learn somthin from a nite at th
This young amateur astronomer dude was tryin ta explain ta his Astro-ignorant
cohort how ta see Mars in th evening sky. He said,
"All you have to do is; look into the South-East and when you
find Alpha-Romero; look just to the left of it and there it is!!!"
OK...now have ya got that boyz and gurlz? Accordin ta that dude,
th amateur astronomer, tryin ta impress his date with his broad range
of knowledge; it's jus ta th left of Alpha-Romero!
And that greatly simplifies th search, cuz as we all know, thas th
constellation that looks like that stylish Eye-talian sports car.
P.S. And my apologies fer referring to his gurlfriend as Astro-ignorant. That was completely uncalled for and totally unfair on my part. After all, while he was gettin his college education, she didn't have th time or luxury of learnin meaningless crap like that cus in Home Economics she was too busy learnin how ta efficiently schezhule her hours so as ta have some time fer th babies after cleanin th house, and doin th laundry and moppin th floors, and foldin her spouses underwear and balancin th family budget and darnin socks and knittin sweaters and bakin cookies and shovelin th snow and, fixin her hubby's favorite meal, y'know, and lotsa other stuff like thet. One of these days tho, gurls will be able ta do a lot of things that men do now. Mark my words, it's gonna happen.
Well, I mean ta a certain extent anyways, I mean, it's not like some little girlie's gonna be racin in th Indianapolis 500 or bein a Marine, or a firefighter, or a cop, or astronaut or things like thet, but they will be playin soccer and stuff. Now, ya might be thinkin, "Oh pshaw! Never happen." but keep in mind, I have an uncanny knack fer seein trends and extrapolatin on whut they portend fer th future. They don't refer ta me as 'th Seer' fer nothin, y'know!
Date: Thursday, May 25, 2006 5:35 PM
"War Heroes-You Might Not Know Their Story"
This is th title of a piece of crap being circulated right now, I
have received this bit of dreck from a number of peoples in th past
week. Not surprising I suppose with Memorial Day coming up. Kinda
like my story bout my Uncle Benny, except with th major difference
bein, that this one is almost total bullshit.
It sez that actor Lee Marvin once said on Johnny Carson's show (complete
with alleged transcript) that he and Bob Keeshan (Cap't Kangaroo)
were both wounded on Iwo Jima while scaling Mt. Suribachi. Marvin
went on to sat that he, Bob Keeshan, was th bravest man he ever knew.
It sez further that Lee Marvin won th Navy Cross and th Purple Heart
It also sez that Mr. Rogers, yeah, that Mr. Rogers, had 22 confirmed kills as a sniper in Nam. It sez that he wore his long sleeved sweater to cover up th many tattoos he had on his forearms and biceps. Ha ha.
I thought that detail was a nice touch. Who wouldda thunk it? It
states further that Mr. Rogers, "was a master of small arms and
hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm and kill in a heartbeat."
Whew! Mr. Rogers!! Once again, who wouldda thunk it? Ha ha
OK, th facts are: Lee Marvin was in combat and was wounded in his
buttocks on Saipan, Not Iwo Jima!! Altho he wasawarded th Purple Heart
for his wounds he was never given th Navy Cross.
Bob 'Cap't Kangaroo' Keeshan enlisted in th Army just two weeks before
th war ended. Was never on Iwo Jima with Lee Marivin.
And, kindly, shy Mr. Rogers was never in th service at all!
So, tell th next person who sends that phony-assed garbage to you,
encouraging you to pass it on to...........
(you fill in this part)
Uncle Benny Remembered
Date: Tuesday, May 23, 2006 10:17 PM
With Memorial Day approaching I send this out again. Most of you
have read it before, but I do it every year anyway as a tribute to
my Uncle Benny, American Hero.
This book is about a B-29 pilot captured by the Japs (war time language)
during the waning months of WW11 when we were bombing Japanese cities
at will, their Air force having been mostly decimated by then. What
planes they did have left were being kept in reserve to be used as
Kamikaze planes for the the Final Defense of the Home Islands.
The Japanese considered these captured pilots as, "war criminals"
for the complete and total destruction they were wreaking throughout
the country. Any captured allied pilot was thus deemed a "Special
Prisoner" and were subjected to the most brutal, inhumane treatment
imaginable from the very moment of their capture.
Many were beaten to death by their civilian captors before they could
even be turned over to the military. After that, survival was measured
in weeks. Only one out of twenty airmen captured by the Japanese survived
their detention! Whereas in Germany, the survival rate was nineteen
out of twenty.
This book got me to thinking, with Memorial Day approaching. It got
me to thinking about my Uncle Benny. Benedicto Flores of San Antonio,
Texas, who died Nov.14th, 1992.
My mother came from a large Mexican Catholic family of sixteen, of
whom 14 survived to adulthood. There were originally eight hermanos
and eight hermanas. During the war the Flores family had all seven
of it's boys served (one having died in early childhood) during the
war. There are only a handful of other families who can claim that
distinction, and none who can claim more. They did their duty. Three
served in Europe and four in the Pacific. Though some were wounded,
As a kid in the late 40s and 50s, watching movies like
the Sands of Iwo Jima and other war movies of the time I always
used to try and get my uncles to tell me about their "war adventures"
as I thought of them, but none of them would ever do so. Like so many
others who had been in actual combat, they had no desire to relive
those terrible experiences and then to share them with a 12 year old.
It was understood, that you didn't even mention it to Benny.
When I was growing up, my dad was a career Air Force officer and
so, because of frequent transfers we moved around a lot and were only
able to make it to San Antonio to visit all my uncles and aunts there
in between my dad's assignments.
And because there were so many of them and time was always limited,
we were not able to spend very much time with them individually, so
I never was able to develop the normal relationships with my aunts
abd uncles and cousins, etc, most families enjoy, but I always looked
forward to seeing Benny. I thought about Uncle Benny yesterday, you
know, the Memorial Day occasion and all, and just having read that
You see, back in 1941, Uncle Benny, already being in the Army before
hostilities broke out, had the misfortune of being stationed in the
Philippines at the time. After Pearl Harbor, the Japanese struck swiftly
throughout SE Asia with alarming success.
As the Japanese invaded the Philippines, the American and Filipino
troops there, under the command of Gen. Douglas McArthur, were woefully
unprepared. After some resistance, McArthur and his Command Staff,
seeing the hopelessness of the situation, were evacuated by submarine
to Australia, (thereby forever earning for himself the dubious nickname
of, "Dugout Doug" in the minds of those left behind) leaving
Gen. Johnathon Wainwright in command.
After months of heroic, but futile resistance, subsisting on reduced
rations for months, with almost no ammunition or medical supplies,
the out-gunned, out-numbered allied forces with no air cover and no
chance of re-supply or re-enforcements were finally forced to surrender.
For the next three and a half years they were worked and starved
and beaten to death by thei captors. Living conditions were unbelievably
harsh and brutal. The daily death rate was appalling. Near the end
of the war there were only two thousand left. Uncle Benny was one
Tragically, in one of those inexplicable misfortunes of War, while
en route to Japan, the ship Uncle Benny was on was bombed, strafed
and sunk by American planes, the pilots completely unaware of their
precious cargoes, as the ships were not marked in any way. Of the
thousand POWs on Benny's ship, only fifty of them survived. Uncle
Benny was one of them.
At wars end, Uncle Benny weighed just seventy pounds. He looked like
a survivor of Auschwitz. In situations like that, the only people
who survive are the STRONG. The WEAK, though maybe the Best, most
Humane, and Moral of people, do not survive. Only the Strongest survive!
Uncle Benny was one of those.
After recovering in the hospital for many months, eventually Benny
was discharged and moved back home, into the house on 1100 Denver
St. in San Antonio where he was born. He remained there until his
death back in 92. He was a life-long solitary bachelor, who
subsisted on the meager proceeds from a second-hand furniture store
he owned. He was a heavy drinker his whole life. And, who can blame
him? He endured what we cannot even imagine.
He was always a low-keyed, mild mannered man around us. He had quiet,
sad eyes, and he often times seemed lost in thought and a bit unfocused,
as though he was someplace else. I could never imagine him being mad
about anything, because he was always so gentle around us, but on
the other hand, he always seemed to be getting out of some minor scrape
with the law. (that was one of the things I liked about him. Ha ha)
I used to ask him how he got that black eye, or this bump or that
bump, but he would just laugh shyly and dismiss it and say it was
nothing. No matter! I think that whatever transgressions Benny may
have committed in his life, are forever expiated by the Living Hell
he endured for three and a half years.
I wish I could have sat down, as an adult in my own right, with Benedicto
Flores and gotten to know him as a Man, as the Man he really was...
and not the notion I have of him as, 'Uncle Benny, my 'favorite uncle',
but as Benedicto Flores, a genuine American Hero, who deserves to
be remembered with the utmost Love and Respect. I wish I had been
there for Uncle Benny, when he needed some one to be there for him,
like he was there for you and I, from March 42 til Aug. 45.
I wish I had had the privilege to have known him better!
When Uncle Benny died back in 92, they didn't discover his body until several days later. He had become a recluse. The utilities had been long turned off. He had sat in the darkness, drinking his muscatel and gave in one night. He was apparently just another reclusive wino, dying alone.. amidst the detritus and clutter surrounding him. The circumstances of his death were, and still are.... so sad.
Where were we, Uncle Benny? Where were We when you needed Us? You,
who endured so much on our behalf, died alone and forgotten like a
piece of discarded furniture.
I'm sorry Uncle Benny; We let you down. Ironically, a few days after
his death they found a hand written Will leaving TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND
dollars in CASH to the Pope! And $124,000 in real estate to the Church,
and yet he died seemingly destitute.
A couple of years later, family members received a statement from
the Vatican acknowledging Receipt of same. They acknowledged receipt,
but I guess their mothers never taught them any manners. because they
forgot to say, "Thank you." (which rankles me to this day)
And so, once a year I send this out in tribute and remembrance to
Two Final Episodes of "th Adventures of th New/Old Christine"
Date: Tuesday, May 23, 2006 8:44 PM
Ok ya'll, th first episode starts off with a blatant "product
placement" of Kellogg's Raisin Brand Cereal. They rilly had to
stretch credibility on this one. You see, Christine had to decorate
a wall in her son's third grade class and th theme she was assigned
was Portugal, so she bought a bottle of wine and a box of th Kellogg's
cereal. That makes sense doesn't it? Portugal and Kellogg's cereal.
You can see th connection there can't ya?
Then Mc Donald's was mentioned for basically no reason at all.
OK, now in th second episode, there was an utterly stupid joke featuring
Quiznos. Followed by a dumb joke about Radio Shack and then th obligatory
boob joke. Red Hot Cheetos then mentioned twice. Then a tampon joke,
followed by a bra joke, and ending with a panty joke.
So, there ya have it! I only mention these things in case you weren't
able to see th show yourself and were curious about what you had missed.
Now ya know.
Now JL-D was good on Seinfeld, but that is apparently th only
character she had in her cuz she's got nothin else!! Terrible. I can't
imagine any other Idiots than myself actually watchin this badly cast,
badly acted, horribly written piece of garbage!
P.S. Oh yeah, by th way, on CSI Miami, when ever they put
th cuffs on any one now, Horatio (Horatio!!! Ha ha I gotta laugh every
time I hear his name) sez,
"HOOK HIM UP!!"
What is that? Do all th cop shows use this expression now? Or is he th only one to say that? He also sez "DO IT!!" an awful lot now too.
TV show; Old Christine
Date: Monday, May 22, 2006 5:33 PM
You must watch this show tonight starring (and I use that word loosely)
Julia Louise-Dreyfess, y'know from Seinfeld. It is so fucking
bad, that it's worth while lookin at, if ya know whut I mean. Absolutely
Th supporting characters are so ridiculous. Where in th hell did
they find these peoples? Who is th guy who plays her ex husband? Who
is th tall, gangling, moron who plays her brother? Who is th robot
like person who plays her husband's girlfriend? Who ARE these people.
And where in th hell did they find th writers for this show?
She has only one expression; where she turns down her mouth in a
gesture of disdain, disappointment, disgust, embarrassment. Th woman
looks terrible in any case.
Who are th writers of this piece of crap? And do they actually get
paid for that? Check it out and see if I'm not right!
P.S. Count th number of times they throw in rilly bad boob jokes.
No kidding, no episode is complete with out at least two! And they're
jus sooo lame!!
The times; they are
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2006 11:47 PM
Earlier today I drove by a park and there were scores of little girls,
oh maybe, 4 to 6 yrs. old, and all their parents and relatives. And
all these little gurls were somersaulting and cartwheeling around
in their little outfits, much to the delight of all present.
I mean, what is happening here? When I was a kid, little gurls on
the block left that sort of thing to us guys. If there was any kind
of somersaulting or cartwheeling to be done in the neighborhood, well,
we took care of that, while they played with their dolls and had contests
to see who could scream the loudest and other appropriate gurl-type
What kind of training is all this non-sensical bouncing around? How
exactly is this gonna prepare em fer their future? How are they going
to catch a mate just cause they know how to cartwheel around and stuff,
when what they need to know is; how to fetch things, and mop and,
you know, all that kind of stuff.
I think this sort of thing definitely contributes to the "attitude"
a lot of gurls give you, when you simply ask them to fetch your smokes,
or yer beer or something,
"What?! Are you a cripple or something? Do I look like the fucking
maid? Get your own godam cigarettes!'
And I go, like,
"You mean you're Not the maid?? Well, who in the Fuck is the
maid then?? And who's going to do all this kinda stuff around here
if you're not?"
See...... they pick up this kinda attitude when they're young. Now,
you ask some gurl you've just met to come by your house and clean
your kitchen, and they give you this wide-eyed incredulous look, like
you're from Mars or something and they say something like, "Are
you fucking insane?"
Now, they just want you to buy them a Margarita.
See, and, this all started...when they were just little tots, out
in the park cartwheeling and somersaulting and tumbling about, when
they should have been at home, learning the proper way to fold their
future loved ones underwear, and so on, and so forth. Now, here in
the third millennium we got Gurls driving at Indy. Do you think she
folds her husband's underwear? I think not! It's no wonder frustrated
guys pick up their guns and go to the mall, eh!
Sesame Seed Collection;
Date: Friday, May 19, 2006 3:29 PM
I have "for sale" my very own large collection of Sesame
Seeds which I have told you about before, all in prime to mint condition.
These seeds have all been well maintained and lovingly stored.
Each and every seed is completely suitable to be mounted and framed. I have many fasteners available, which I would be willing to sell as part of a package deal, should you decide to display them. Not enuff for the entire collection, of course, but enuff to make a dramatic display for an entire wall.
Guests in yer home will be Impressed and Envious.
Opportunities to capture an outstanding collection such as this do
not come along every day, as you recognize if you are a collector
yourself. Also, contrary to rumors, I am not in possession of th fabled
Albino Seed, which after years of futile searching for, I believe
to be as non-existant as the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker.
In any case, please make an appointment with my secretary for a private
viewing. And do bring Cash. Amerikan. Small bills only.
A good place to die!
Date: Friday, May 19, 2006 3:01 PM
Sometimes peoples come up to me and say,
"Yo cap't, where's a good place to die?"
I always recommend 51st and Wornall. It's a very simple process really;all
you have to do is, sit at the intersection going either east or west,
doesn't matter which.
OK..... so here's what you do; look straight ahead, don't look to
the right or to the left, only look directly at the stoplight....when
the light turns green...accelerate straight ahead thru the intersection....
cuz, what the hell, you got a green light.........right! However,
at this particular intersection, chances are about 50/50 that some
north or south bound asshole loon will T-bone yer ass doing about
60, thus causing you die right there.
For some inexplicable reason, peoples who travel Wornall along this
strip, when the light changes yellow, even though they're in the middle
of the block...they speed up....of course there's no way they can
make it, so when the light does turn red, they're still 3-4 car lengths
away......now, they really tromp it, to ensure they're doing at least
60 as they blow thru the intersection.
I like to mess with assholes such as this. I some times sit there
at the light, with my left foot on the brake, my right hand on the
horn, and watch one of these jerks getting ready to blast thru and
when the light turns green, I spring forward, hitting the horn and
the brake almost simultaneously, so that I hardly move at all really;
it's just a momentary lurch, but the illusion is that I'm pulling
into the intersection. What fun to see the wide-eyed look of horror
in their eyes as they think they're about to have a really serious
collision as a result of their recklessly running a red light at 50-60
My goal is that that Panic they experience momentarily, might make
them think twice the next time they try to beat a light in such a
foolhardy and dangerous manner, especially those who are talking on
their cell phones at the time.
So what do You do, boyz and gurls to foster safe driving in your
P.S. Another good way to show peoples such as this how annoying their behavior can be, is to follow them and throw beer bottles thru their windows, while expressing your displeasure at their boorish behavior. Sometimes tho, this can be counter productive, because in their haste to get away from you, they will prolly be running thru many a red light. I guess, that like many problems facing Society, there just aren't any easy answers, eh?
Th Line Blurs Even
Date: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 5:18 PM
Last nite I saw this TV show How I Met Your Mother. In this
episode this couple were havin an argument and so decided to take
a "time out" and go to Red Lobster to eat.
As they walk in, th Red Lobster neon sign is obvious in th shot and
th camera lingers on it. As they eat, th Red Lobster logo is obvious
on their bibs. As they talk th guy sez to his girl friend somthin
as he dips his shrimp in it. She tries to get him to talk serious
to her and he keeps talikin bout what could possibly be better than
this popcorn shrimp dipped in th absolutely delicious butter sauce,
wanting her to confirm that it's th Best!
Th scene ends; break to commercial.
And th fuckin commercial comes on and it's fer, yep, you guessed
It's bad enuff, that network TV, minus th commercials, is down now
to about 20-22 minutes per half hour. Of course, product placement
in movies and TV has been goin on fer a long time now, and is nothin
new anymore, altho every time I see it, it still pisses me off, but
this is too much! Now they incorporate their fuckin commercials in
th story plot line.
BASTA!! Fuck that show! I'll never watch it again.
Fake! Fake! Fake!
Date: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 11:21 AM
Th things they can do today with special effects is amazing. Fr'instance,
have ya seen that cute little commercial where th baby elephant is
dancing thru th jungle to th tune of, "Dancing in the Rain"?
At first I wondered how they trained that elephant to do those moves,
but then I figured it was all jus "special effects". But
what really gave it away was; everyone knows elephants can't jump!!
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:42 PM
I was behind a car today that had a bumper sticker on th back that
"I (and there's a big red heart here) NY" translation;
"I luv New York"
And I got to wonderin bout this asshole who put that there? I mean,
who would buy and then go to th trouble to put such a thing on their
bumper? Does he rilly think we, that is, anyone, gives a shit about
his feelings towards New York? I mean, he loves New York; so what!!!!
After he put it on did he step back and admire it and look at it
from different angles and think; how cool other peoples who got behind
him would think he was? Did he imagine em thinkin things like,
"Ohhh look, that guy loves New York. He musta been there before.
Mebbe he even lived there at one time. Omigosh. How fuckin cool is
that? I gotta pull along side im so I can actually see im. He's gotta
be sooo cool! I'll bet anything his son is an Honor Student at some
prep school and I'll bet he owns a Rhodesian Ridgeback too, but he's
too cool to mention those things."
It's beyond me why peoples do ego-maniacal shit like that? OK, now
looky here, I'm not sayin I've never done anything like that myself
before, cuz I have. There was a period in my life when I thought it
was vitally important that other peoples know that I'd been to Mammoth
Caves, and Tennessee, and Alabama and th Smoky Mountains and that
I had actually been to th Civil War Museum in In Richmond, Va. and
on and on. Th rear windows and th bumpers of my folks car were full
of documentation in th way of decals of places I'd been and seen.
But sheeit, I was fuckin 8 years old, ya dig!!!
Eventually I grew outta that phase and matured and thought it was
cheesy to do stuff like that. Course I was nine years old by then!
So...what are these jerks excuse?
Billy Joel, Philosopher and Wise Man
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:05 PM
I read in th paper today where Billy Joel gave a speech to th students
at Syacuse University. He urged them to do what they loved in life.
"Do it for love. Because if you love what you do, you'll always
do what you love."
Didja get that? Now, personally, I've always thought Billy Joel was
nothin but a fuckin hack pop singer, but now, after readin that bit
of profundity, I dunno, mebbe I need ta re-evaluate im. Mebbe I need
ta get a bottle of scotch and some reefer and rilly try and get into
what he's layin down?
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 8:18 PM
Oh man, this is jus too much! I jus found my glasses! Can ya believe
that? I found em in a storage room where I had been goin over some
old comic books and had set them aside while lookin at some old stuff.
I jus asked St. Anthony not more than five hours ago!! I can't believe
that guy! It's a shame others of his ilk aren't as forthcoming and
responsible as he is. I don't like ta mention names but take St. Jude
fr'instance. Th aptly named patron saint of Lost Causes. Yeah, I gave
up prayin to im as a lost cause in itself!
While this is fantastic news fer me it doesn't bode well fer Fido
next door tho.
Ten Thousand Curses
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 5:53 PM
Dammit, dammit, dammit. I've gone and lost my shades. They've been
missing since yesterday. I've looked in all th usual places. Nada!
These are my favorite pair of glasses. They are, by themselves, th
A List. Th other five are th B List. I can't be ME without them. They
are absolutely essential to my Being. I didn't know who that stranger
was when I looked in th mirror a while ago. Some old geezer starin
back at me.
"Who are you?"
I said, but he remained silent and jus stared at me. Actually, when
you get down to it, it's prolly better that that image didn't reply,
eh, cuz, like, that woulda been pretty weird.
So, a little while ago I called on my buddy fer some help, and I
think I can call him my buddy, since we have always had amicable and
usually fruitful interactions. I'm talkin bout St. Anthony here. In
case yer not familiar with him, he's only jus TH PATRON SAINT OF LOST
He has helped me out numerous times in th past, but I only use him
as a last resort cuz he's a pretty busy dude. I mean, imagine if you
had to find stuff fer fer every Tom, Dick and Harry who asked ya to?
By th way, jus who are those guyz anyway? Those Tom. Dick and Harry
dudes? I've always wondered bout them?
"Yo St. Anthony, this is th Captain speakin. Do you read me?
Over. Come in St. Anthony. Ground Control to Major Tom. Over. I have
important message fer Big Tony. Over! My shades have gone missing.
Over! Need assistance most quickly. Over and Out."
Now altho St. Anthony has come thru fer me many times before in days
gone by, I have a bad feelin bout this one tho, cuz I've searched
my crib high and low. But they jus ain't here! But, like, if he does
find em fer me that would be soo cool! I'm thinkin some kinda sacrifice
might be in order. Y'know, like, some kinda animal sacrifice. Th problem
is tho that I don't have access ta any bulls or goats or even chickens,
so I'm thinkin of my neighbor's dog. Y'know th one! Th barker! Yeah,
thas him. A good throat slashing would do wonders fer th Peace and
Quiet of th entire 'hood while also makin a nice gesture of appreciation.
This is strictly my own idea here of course, cuz, like, St. Anthony
hisself is not th type to go in fer stuff like that.
Well, I'm jus gonna have to wait and see I guess.
Date: Sunday, May 14, 2006 11:08 AM
I got an e-mail jus a few minutes ago with that subject line of,
"Bogeymen Mutilate". I thought to myself,
"Hmmmmm. What a titillating and intriguing subject? Gosh! I
wonder what thas all about?" Sounds exciting."
But, when I opened it; oh darn! It was jus another e-mail. Curses!
Th Excitement Builds!!
Date: Tuesday, May 9, 2006 4:25 PM
Last nite, sittin in th saloon, I happened to glance at th TV where
a basketball game was in progress. In case ya didn't know it, May
is part of th NBA playoff months. I'm not sure bout June and July
cuz I'm not rilly much of a basketball fan.
But th one thing I Do like about th NBA Playoffs is that only 28
out of th 30 teams get to participate. All th players on th other
two teams can only watch in despair and disappointment and dream about
what mighta been, what coulda been? Now, they gotta wait til next
season to give it another shot to make th playoffs.
Fortunately fer them, th new season starts about 45 minutes after
this one ends, so...that mitigates things and makes their sufferin
a bit easier to bear. And in spite of missin th playoffs, I'm sure
th experience will no doubt toughen their resolve, and can't fail
to build some "character," always keepin in mind that overcoming
adversity is a crucial key to achieving Success.
th cap'm. Legendary Sports Guru, Visionary, and Seer
Th Way of th World. Megan 2 Worms; Sarah 0 Worms
Date: Monday, May 8, 2006 4:52 PM
A few nites ago, I was sittin there drinkin my beer and this young
gurl next to me. who was mebbe 22-23 was tellin her friend, how her
job had her so stressed out all th time. It was soo bad she was wonderin
if she was gonna be able to continue or find some other field to get
She taught pre-school and kindergarteners. She told her friend about
th shit she'd been thru that very day. Omigod! It was awful!!
It seems th kids were let out into th garden to find some worms.
After a short time Sarah came up to her and was cryin. Boo hoo hoo.
"Whas th matter sweetie?" she asked.
And little Sarah, between sniffles and sobs tearfully replied.
"Miss Karen, Megan has two worms and I don't got any. boo hoo
hoo. How come she gets two worms and I don't have even one? boo hoo
"You see what I have to deal with? And that's just one example.
I have to deal with that kinda thing every single day! How am I supposed
to explain that to Sarah? Th poor little thing. It's driving me crazy.
How do I explain to her why Megan has TWO worms and she doesn't have
any? I don't know if I can keep doin this!"
Now since I wasn't part of th conversation I didn't say anything
but I wanted to tell Miss Karen that she should have told Sarah this,
"Lissen Sarah, get this straight. OK! Cus if you learn this
lesson good right now, you will remember it for th rest of your life.
TH MEGANS OF TH WORLD ARE ALWAYS GONNA HAVE TWO WORMS AND THE SARAHS
OF THE WORLD ARE NEVER GONNA HAVE ANY!! SO...GET USED TO IT!! Once
you accept that, Life will be so much easier for you."
Or, my other approach woulda been,
"Sarah, sweetie, stop with yer whinin and snivelin! OK. If it
makes you sad, remember this; they're jus FUCKIN WORMS!! OK!? Little
small, slimy, wiggling things good fer absolutely NOTHIN!! OK. If
Megan had a whole wagon full of worms, do you know what she'd have?
Thas right precious, a wagon full of fucking WORMS. You don't rilly
want a wagon full of worms do you! Course not, so stop yer bawlin
But this was jus one of th Moral Dilemmas Miss Karen was forced to
deal with every single day! Th age old problem of th equitable distribution
of th Worms. I wonder how Karl Marx woulda explained that to Sarah?
All in all, a very interesting conversation to overhear. Th stresses
some of our young peoples must endure, eh. How DO they do it?
Oh yeah, one other bit of information I picked up; when children
get to Kindergarten they lose their Innocence and they become very
manipulative!! You have to try and be smarter and not succumb to their
machinations. If ya know any kindergarteners personally, you prolly
already knew this tho.
REVISITED: HIV INFECTED GAS PUMP HANDLES
Date: Sunday, May 7, 2006 5:54 PM
OK, this is a blanket, cover-all response to those of you who wrote
me back about this, and remarked on my Gullibility/Stupidity in sending
th aforementioned e-mail about th dangers of th HIV infected gas pump
handles. Jus fer yer information,
I KNEW IT WAS A FUCKING HOAX WHEN I SENT IT!!!!! OK! I WAS AWARE
OF THAT TH MINUTE I READ IT.
I thought that it was obvious in th prelude where I wrote and listed
many of th legitimate things we have to worry about..... AND NOW THIS!!
GASP! HIV INFECTED GAS PUMP HANDLES. ON TOP OF EVERTHING ELSE. It
was supposed to be a parody. Nothing I said was meant to be taken
Fr'instance, where I said I was tellin ya this in my role as,
"GUARDIAN OF TH PEOPLES OF TH EARTH".
See, jus in case ya didn't know it; I don't really think I am "th
Guardian of th Peoples of th Earth". Thas not my job! While I
know some of you are keenly disappointed to hear that, it's th Truth.
(and th Truth shall set you Free) George W. Bush is th Guardian of
th Peoples of th Earth, not me!
I only wrote that to give ya th impression that everything that followed
wasn't to be taken too seriously. But I was sure wrong there.
Because more than a few of you let me know it was a hoax, as tho
I was unaware of it, now makes me wonder whether you can ever make
yerself understood using sarcasm and satire to make a point in th
written word? It's discouragin. Peoples tend to take what you write
at face value. They often miss th Irony and th satirical intent, mis-interpreting
what you write, as what you actually believe.
When we speak, we can demonstrate what we actually mean by tone,
inflection, facial expression, body language, etc, that we're being
facetious or sarcastic. Obviously not so easy when writing.
While I am not entirely Innocent of passing on total nonsense, Ha
ha, and even occasionally th wrong info, like, a while back I sent
out a highly critical and derogatory bit about Cindy Sheehan where
I repeated th totally erroneous assertion that she had abandoned her
son Casey, (who was killed in Iraq) when he was only a child, I did
acknowledge my mistake a couple of days later.
I wrote a rilly long retort about this where I dissected this thing
almost line by line, tryin to show my pessimism and amusement at th
whole silly notion, but it got waay too complicated tor even, I. Th
writer to understand, so I deleted it all, and started over.
So thanks fer lettin me know it was jus another of those urban myths,
but next time, before ya write me back makin me fer a dumbhead...
read a bit more closely.
Date: Saturday, May 6, 2006 4:59 AM
My friend Gabby sent this to me. It's pretty amazing how it works.
Taught me a little something about myself. See how you do with it?
Potential HIV Contraction @ Gas Pumps.
Date: Saturday, May 6, 2006 2:41 AM
Awright boyz and gurlz; bad news. A new crises has arisen. A good
buddy of mine hipped me to it and in my role as Guardian of th Peoples
of th Earth, I'm passin it on.
Now I understand ya may be a bit preoccupied with th War on Terror,
th War in Iraq, th War on Drugs, Osama bin Laden and Al Quaida, Nuclear
confrontation with N. Korea or maybe Iran, world wide bird flu pandemic,
mad cow disease, th ongoing problems with Palestine v. Israel, th
crises in Darfur, Sudan, Rawanda, rising gas prices, global warming,
Geo. Bush, th hole in th ozone, pollution of our rivers, lakes and
oceans, second hand smoke, restricted beer sales on Sundays, illegal
aliens (and Mexicans too) our soaring national debt, drunk drivers,
th Royals, Medicare, health insurance, social security, th reaming
of amerikans by th insurance, banking, oil producers, pharmaceutical
companies and so on and so forth. To name jus a few.
But.... pay attention to this latest crises. This important article
will perhaps make you stop and think, and be more AWARE!! And may
save yer Life!!! th article below.
"Read this before your next gas fill-up. This world gets sicker
everyday! Folks: Please take a couple minutes to read this warning
about Gas Pumping Handles. Warning: Look at the gas pump handle BEFORE
you pump your gas. Please read and forward to anyone you know who
drives a car.
It is believed that these may be copycat incidents due to someone
reading about the crimes or seeing them reported on television. At
this point no one has been arrested and catching the perpetrator(s)
has become our top priority. Shockingly, of the 17 people who where
stuck, 8 have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the
disease, the others could test positive in a couple years.
Evidently the consumers go to fill their car with gas, and when picking
up the pump handle get stuck with the infected needle. IT IS IMPERATIVE
TO CAREFULLY CHECK THE HANDLE of the gas pump each time you use one.
LOOK AT EVERY SURFACE YOUR HAND MAY TOUCH, INCLUDING UNDER THE HANDLE!
If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local
police department so they can collect the evidence.
PLEASE HELP US BY MAINTAINING A VIGILANCE, AND BY FORWARDING THIS
EMAIL TO ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO DRIVES. THE MORE PEOPLE WHO KNOW OF THIS,
THE BETTER PROTECTED WE CAN ALL BE.
Rose Lambert, Chief Aide to Supervisor Gerry Hyland, Mount Vernon
District, 2511 Parkers Lane, Alexandria, VA 22306. (I'm not quite
sure how we went from capt. sands of th jax police dept. to ms. lambert
in va. but.......?)
PLEASE READ THIS AND PASS IT ON TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK!!!!
Cinco de Mayo; this
is not Mexican Independence Day
Date: Saturday, May 6, 2006 12:17 AM
Scuuuse me, jus a little chant I do on May 5th in celebration of
this day. But hey, lissen here, some of ya'll may not be aware of
it but, May 5th is not Mexican Independence Day! You'd be surprised
at how many peoples do think that tho! Even many Hispanics. I had
an argument with a Mexican dude about this last year. He said, more
"Hey dude, I'm from Mexico, I oughta know!"
And I said,
"Yeah, yer right dude, ya rilly oughta know!! Ya oughta know
that SEPTEMBER 16th, 1810, IS MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!! But May 5th,
1862, is th day a Mexican Army defeated a larger French Army at th
village of Puebla.
Nah, he wasn't buyin that. He reiterated that HE was th one from
Mexico, whereas I was jus a gringo who didn't know what I was talkin
bout. Obviously Ignorance knows no borders, eh! Ha ha
It's kinda like th battle of Gettysburg. July 1st, 2nd, and 3rd of
1863 were important days in Amerikan history marking th turning point
in th Civil War, but they didn't mark it's end, and so other than
some re-enactments, we don't pay a helluva lot of attention to em.
Thas pretty much th way peoples in Mexico feel bout Cinco de Mayo.
But I think Hispanic peoples in this country needed some thing to
celebrate, so they picked Cinco de Mayo, leavin their relatives back
home wonderin, "Huh?"
I suspect tho as years go by, th peoples of Mexico itself will begin
to embrace this holiday also. It has turned jus like St. Patty's day
into quite a commercial holiday.
Fer example, take th Irish. Th Irish of Ireland used to celebrate
St. Patty's day as a quiet day of worship. It was a solemn religious
day. There was no revelry, no drunkenness, no rowdyism, peoples went
to church and had family gatherings. That was how they celebrated
St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
Jus like every city now has a Mardi Gras, whereas, for many years
if ya wanted to do Mardi Gras, ya went to New Orleans.
Now, peoples in Hays, Kansas get drunk on Fat Tuesday!
"Hey Clyde, whut th hail is Fat Tuesday anyway?"
"I dunno Jake, beats th hail outta me, but gimme another one
of them there green beers anyways."
Happy Cinco de Mayo muchachos y muchachas!
P.S. Remind me to tell ya sometime how my mother's peoples, th Flores de Abrego's, settled along th San Antonio River in 1723, in what was then called Nueva España, courtesy of land grants from King Phillip of Spain. You can go to Floresville, (named after, guess who?) Texas, fer th annual Pecan Festival and read th marble commemorative marker in th town square. Jus tell em El Capitano Carlos sent ya and tell em ta put those pecans on my tab.
Immigration Thoughts Some More
Date: Friday, May 5, 2006 8:50 PM
Have you heard some peoples, prolly th very same ones who want to
build a wall to keep folks from crossing over in our southwestern
borders, who sugest we send all th illegal aliens back where they
came from. Now there's an idea some one put some thought into, eh!
Late Nite Wasteland;
David the Lame, and Jay "Asshole" Leno.
Date: Tuesday, May 2, 2006 3:24 PM
I stayed home a couple of nites this past week. I wanna tell ya,
it was an utterly ghastly experience! I watched some late night TV.
Ooooh it was bad. How do peoples do that kinda thing on a regular
basis? "Th Horror! Th Horror!" I have a couple of simple
solutions to th late nite TV wasteland. A crap cleansing if you will.
First on th list; David Letterman! I don't like David Letterman.
There was a time when I did like him. But sheeit, we're all young
and dumb at some point in our lives, eh? But then, after some many,
many, years we grow up and mature a bit (aw'right, stop with th snickerin)
and wonder how it was, that we ever thought he was cool and hip? I
mean, whut was I thinkin?
If ya recall, Johnny Carson had a knack for milking laughs out of
jokes that didn't work initially. As I listen to Lame Dave's efforts
to accomplish th same thing, I'm only thinkin he oughta jus shut th
fuck up about it and move on, but noooo.....on and on durin th reat
of th show, he keeps repeating th punch line that didn't work to begin
with, as tho, thru constant repetition we will finally see th humor
in it and chuckle.
Fergeddabout it Dave; cut yer losses and run. And I can't stand his
halterin, stumbilin, stammerin way he interviews his guests.
And that utterly goofy expression he gets when he clamps his tongue
between his teeth and makes his eyes bulge. Whut th fuck is that about?
Thas exactly th kinda look you would expect from a six year old if
ya asked em to make a, "funny face". On a six year old,
"cute" maybe; on an adult, "ridiculous"! I would
get a kick outta it if th next time he dangles his tongue outta his
mouth in that goofy way that some body oughta come up behind him and
slap their hand down on his head Real hard, and then quickly snatch
up his tongue and flush it down a toilet.
I know, I know, I can hear some peoples goin, "OMG, OMG, thas
a terrible thing to say." But hopefully, this would mean we wouldn't
have to endure "His Lameness" any more.
"Take a fuckin hike!!"
Th Cap't Gets Annoyed
(who woulda thunk it?)
Date: Monday, May 1, 2006 5:00 PM
I was at yer Marsh's Sunfresh earlier cashin in some lottery tickets
fer an elderly lady friend, and right in th middle of my transaction,
th phone rang and th young gurl clerk answered it and proceeded to
take care of th person on th line. I stood there for a while, waitin
patiently for her to finish, and my patience wore thin after a minute
or so, and I was gettin a bit perturbed and I told her to finish calculatin
what I was owed so I could egress th hell outta there. She waved her
hand at me in a dismissive manner and motioned fer me to hang on.
That rilly kinda pissed me off. Finally, she hung up and went back
to her calculator without so much as a word to me, to figure how much
I had comin. I said,
"Y'know whut? It rilly bugs me when I'm standin here right
in front of ya and yer in th middle of my transaction, and th phone
rings and now you're takin care of th person on th phone! Whut about
me? I'm right here!!!"
And she replied in a real exasperated, irritated tone,
"Sir, I'm awfully busy!"
And I said,
"Hey so what? I'm a busy too y'know. I got better things to
do than wait around fer you to take care of someone else while I'm
standin right here in front of ya and yer in th middle of my transaction.
Screw it, next time I'll go someplace else."
She said, and again in this peeved tone,
"Go ahead, do whutever ya want, I don't care."
And I told her to kiss my ass and she told me to kiss hers.
This kinda shit happens everywhere ya go these days tho. I've been
at th bank waitin in line and finally it's my turn and th teller is
doin my stuff and th phone rings and next thing they're lookin up
that person's account, talkin bout this that and th other, and th
whole time, I'm standin there waitin fer em to finish with me! Why
in th fuck don't peoples realise how rude that is?
I was sittin in a car dealership last year talkin to th salesman
about a car I was plannin on buyin, when th phone rang and this guy
said, "excuse me", and started lookin up some info fer this
person on th phone, and I'm thinkin,
"Sheeit, whut th fuck? I'm sittin here gettin ready to spend
thousands of dollars to buy a car from this dude, and he's now talkin
some bullshit nonsense to some one else on th phone. What about me
So I waited, gettin madder all th time. Finally. when this guy got
done, he apologised fer th delay, and said, like,
"Sorry bout that. OK! Now, where were we?
I jus snorted and I said,
"I don't know bout where you are, but I'm outta here is where
I am. I hope that conversation ya had with that dude on th phone was
worth th commission on that car I was gonna buy."
And he's followin me out and apologizin all th way to my car and
I jus got in my car and said,
"Keep this in mind th next time yer phone rings while yer talkin
to somebody in yer office. Have a nice day," and left.
What can be done with these kinda peoples? Don't they understand that th person standin in front of them, with cash in their hands, is a helluva lot more important than th person interruptin em on th phone? Do we need to start a nationwide boycott of em in order to make our presence felt? Do we need to march around in circles, chant some slogans, wave some banners? Scream about th Injustice of it all?
What will it take to get a bit of respect and attention?
How To Prevent Future Illegal Aliens
Date: Monday, May 1, 2006 3:54 PM
You already know of my solution to th illegal Alien problem that
currently exists. But what about th future? How do we prevent this
from becoming engulfed in this quagmire again?
Once more th solution is rilly very simple! Build a large plastic
bubble around th entire world and monitor it with a system of satellites.
Of course th peoples of Mars want to come here and experience th Earthly Dream, thas understandable; all Freedom Loving Beings in th Solar system do! But there is a legitimate way to go about it. They need to register at Area 51 first and learn to speak Language.
They are certainly allowed to use Telepathy in th confines of their
Pods, but if they aspire to be Earthlings, then they should learn
to speak. I don't think thas askin too much!
Illegal Aliens; What
to do with em?
Date: Monday, May 1, 2006 4:40 AM
I know! I know! Jus send em all back to Mars!
No hable Engles
Date: Saturday, April 29, 2006 3:59 PM
I'm jus not sure jus where I stand on this. On th one hand I'm generally
simpatico to our amigos de Mexico. I am part Hispanic myself. My mother's
maiden name was Flores de Abrego. And all of us, unless you happen
to be an Indian, came from somewhere else originally. So, our entire
country is made up of immigrants. But th biggest majority of em came
So, th issue of illegal immigrants puts me in a quandary. I can't
articulate my feelings, cuz I'm not sure jus exactly how I feel about
it. I do know a couple of things tho for sure.
First of all, a couple of weeks ago when they had protests and were
flyin Mexican flags my first thought was,
"Well fuck you! If yer so big on Mexico, get yer ass back across
th border and fly yer fuckin flag all ya want. This is Los Estados
Unidos and we already got our own flag. Leave yer Mexican flag at
home if yer lookin for my support."
Secondly, we have a Pledge of Allegiance and it's in Engles. We don't
need no steenking Spanish version. We don't need it in Ebonics either.
Jus like we don't need no Vietnamese, Cambodian, or any other kinda
version. It's in English. If ya can't go to th trouble of learning
our Pledge of Allegiance in English, then get yer ass back across
th border and recite yer Mexican Pledge of Allegiance in Spanish til
ya get hoarse and can't talk no more fer all I care!
Thirdly, I don't care for a lotta th attitude I'm gettin that you
have some inherent right to be an Amerikan citizen. Sometimes I get
th impression that you believe we OWE this to you. No way Jose! Thas
somethin ya gotta earn! Jus like every one else did.
Now they're callin for a boycott. Not gonna buy anything fer one
day to show how much we need em. Once again thas not th way to get
my sympathy. How would ya like it if we boycotted yer paycheck? (course
thas been done to em before)
These are a few of th things that annoy me about it all. I think
their leadership sucks on so many levels. They have no idea at all
how to get their point across. They need to hire a Madison Avenue
marketing guru to sell themselves. Th way it's goin now they are generatin
as much ill will as good. And they need all th support they can muster.
BUT... on th other hand, I think so many of these peoples are deserving
a chance to be an Amerikan citizen. So many of them have been exploited
by greedy employers payin em shit-as wages, workin menial jobs most
peoples don't wanna do. I'm for some kind of Amnesty, but jus not
sure what form it should take.
I don't know whether that would solve th problem of future illegal
immigrants or not. It might encourage em. I dunno. But th idea of
building a wall across th entire southwestern US is ludicrous to th
extreme. What a dumb-ass, simplistic, utterly ridiculous solution
to a complicated problem.
Build a wall and they won't come!! Ha ha
Date: Friday, April 28, 2006 3:35 PM
|Try this; th next time ya watch CSI: Miami count
the number of scenes where that clown David Caruso is in where he's
not standin with his hands on his hips! Ya'll be lucky if ya can find
even one. Thas all this guy does is stand around with his hands on his
hips, with his head tilted at a weird angle and sez things in that dry,
flat, monotonous drawn out drawl, devoid of any inflection of any kind.
I keep wantin ta say,
"Godammt man, spit it out already. Some peoples are busy and
don't have th time to wait for you to finish what yer sayin."
Fortunately, th peoples who run th show must be aware of this, since
he never speaks more than a couple of sentences at a time. Even tho
he is th star of th show I'd bet he has fewer lines than other cast
And ya know what; I'll bet he even walks with his hands on his hips.
I bet he showers with his hands on his hips. He goes up and down th
escalator with his hands on his hips. He even does th horizontal bop
with his hands oh his hips I'll betcha!
His momma shoulda tole im,
"Junior, take yer friggin' hands off yer hips and hold yer head
up. Ya look stupid and peoples will think yer a Moron! And hold yer
head up too whileyer at it"
But I guess she didn't. Or maybe, since he can't act his way outta
a paper bag, mebbe his actin mentor tole 'im,
"Look Ace, since ya can't act, jus stand around with yer hands
on yer hips alla time, and mebbe no one will notice."
Oh yeah, his character's name is "Horatio". Horatio, fer
chrissake! What kinda name is that? Well, ya take a goofy fucker like
that and I guess ya gotta give im a suitably goofy name. And fer all
you dudes out there named Horatio (Is there anyone actually named
that in real life? And Horatio Nelson doesn't count) change yer name
to WonTonWilly or somthin that's not so dumb.
P.S. If one of yer friends stood around like that alla time with their hands on their hips and their head tilted like that you'd havta tell im ta knock that shit off and stand around like a normal person. I couldn't put up with that myself.
Th Abominable Newspeoples
Date: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 4:16 AM
Have you guys noticed lately how all th local news wonks, in an effort
to get us to tune in to the later newscast are saying things like,
"Police pull over a car on a routine traffic stop and YOU WON'T
BELIEVE WHAT THEY found in the trunk!!"
"Police pull over a car for a routine traffic stop and GUESS
WHAT THEY found in the trunk?"
"Police pull over a car for a routine traffic stop and WAIT
TIL YOU HEAR WHAT THEY found in the trunk!"
I mean do these ridiculous, childish, sensationalist efforts rilly
make peoples go, "Omigod, I just have to tune in to the ten o'clock
news to find out what the cops found in that trunk! Gosh, I wonder
jus what in th world it could be? I can't wait til ten o'clock!"
Was it a long lost Biblical scroll perhaps? Or a lottery ticket worth
ten million dollars? Or Jimmy Hoffa? Osama Bin Laden? Nah, more n'
likely it was maybe, like, a litter of kittens or some other mundane,
banal thing. Certainly nothing worth th hype.
Who are these peoples who treat us like a flock of mindless Morons who can be so easily deceived into watching their news show, rather than th competition, with these cheap, tawdry attempts to pique our curiosity? Are we rilly that gullible? After you've been conned one time, who would be tricked again?
Big time hype, Small time payoff.
Th so-called news these days is jus pathetic. I'm tellin
ya, it's a sad reflection of our decadent society where Everything
has gotta be wrapped in a blanket of Sensationalism, otherwise no
one will listen!!
P.S.Why in th world would you replace Bob Schieffer with a Katie Couric fr'chrissake? Give me a fucking break huh! That rilly puzzles me. Hell, why not Jerry Springer or Oprah? Or Barbara Walters? Did any one bother to check and see if Geraldo was available?
To Sleep, Perchance
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2006 7:05 PM
I would be willing to bet that tonight, Scott McCllelan gets his
first good night's sleep in a couple of years, knowing that tomorrow,
he will not have to face a national TV audience and try and explain
away th Chicanery, Incompetence and Foolishness that is th Geoge W,
P.S. Heck, (as they say in Bushland) he might even break out th Mad Dog and th bong just to be sure
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