joe dreck
April 20, 2006

Joe Dreck, the Captain, was not considered a candidate for Bush's press secretary
or head of KC's Liquor Control...but he is trying to be a contestant on
"Deal or No Deal."

Subject: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
Wednesday, April 19, 2006 7:05 PM

I would be willing to bet that tonight, Scott McCllelan gets his first good night's sleep in a couple of years, knowing that tomorrow, he will not have to face a national TV audience and try and explain away th Chicanery, Incompetence and Foolishness that is th Geoge W, Bush Admistration.

th cap'm

P.S. Heck, (as they say in Bushland) he might even break out th Mad Dog and th bong just to be sure.

Subject: Life Returns To Normal
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 6:06 PM

I was talkin to a young gurl I know last night. She was drinkin a Bud Light which is unusual for her. I said,

"Yo, what's up with the Bud Light?"

She said,

"I always drink Bud Light! "

I said,

"But I always see ya drinkin Gin n' Tonic. Why have ya switched drinks? Whut happened to th Gin n' Tonic?"

She said,

"Well, Gin n' Tonic is my favorite drink in th whole world and I only drank it for a while cuz, like, I gave up beer for lent!"

"Oh, ya gave up Beer fer Lent? Hmmmmm. OK! Now lemme see if I got this straight; Gin n' Tonic is yer favorite drink..... but normally ya drink Bud Light all th time.... but ya gave up Beer for Lent...... and so were forced to drink Gin n' Tonics instead?"


I shook my head and said with more than a trace of sarcasm, (which she missed)

"Man, that musta been Tough!!"

and she said,

"Y'know, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be!!"

Ha ha. Whew! Th sacrifices some peoples are willing to make, eh?!

Aw'right, so here's th lesson we can learn from this young lady. Like, next year, try givin up hamburgers fer Lent. And when ya want a burger reel bad, jus have a filet mignon instead. It'll help ya get by, y'know whut I mean!

Y'know, I get peoples come up to me all th time and say,

"Yo cap'm, like, whut are You giving up for Lent?"

as tho everybody in th world does this. And other peoples come up and say,

"Yo cap'm, what are your New Years Resolutions?"

To all those peoples I say, rather forcefully,

"I ain't got no steeenking resolutions and I ain't givin up NOTHIN fer Lent! Aw'right! So, step off!!"

And they usually don't bother me with a bunch of silly questions any more. And thas th way I likes it.

th cap'm

Subject: The BEAST: America's Best Fiend
Monday, April 17, 2006 1:37 PM

My buddy Ernie sent this site to me. This is rilly funny. Profiles on "Th 50 Most Loathsome People in Amerika" for 2005. When ya get to th bottom check out all th other stuff, including th list for 2004. Yer gonna enjoy this!

th cap'm

Subject: Bangin Heads (figuratively)
Sunday, April 16, 2006 10:46 PM

Aw'right, so late last nite I was rappin with this dude about th Sunday closings. This guy and I go around and around frequently over jus about everything. Let me be brutally candid here if I might; I don't like th fucker!! Never have!

He is a (GASP) Republican who happens to be a lawyer for a big business. If ya can believe that? He believes Geo. Bush could walk on water if he chose. He thinks we are bringing Democracy to Iraq. He thinks this country started to fall apart when they took prayer outta th schools. OK, so ya got an idea of where this dude's head is.

So, when I get done tellin him my views on th whole thing he sez somthin to me like,

"It's th law Charley. You can't fight it. Where would we be without laws? Besides, I personally don't see anything wrong with banning drinking on Sunday?"

"Really?" I said.

"Really!" he said.

"But you drink on Sundays."

"No, I don't either."

"Bullshit! Yer drinkin right now and it's Sunday!!!"

See, it was after midnight, thus Sunday..

He sez,

"Oh well..... OK nitpicker, if you wanta stand on a technicallity, OK, I guess I am, but you know what I mean".

I laughed derisivly and said,

"Wow! Thas a pretty hypocritical complaint coming from a guy who makes his livin exploiting technicallities.Thas kinda what ya get paid ta do isn't it? Gimme a break huh! OK, so whut about this whole thing of havin to be a restaurant to be open on Sunday. Thas nothin but a bullshit technicallity, but ya don't have any problem with that do ya?"

So he sez,

"You know what your problem is Charley? You got an Attitude You have an Attitude about everything. That's all you do, is bitch about this, that and the other."

Now this rilly pissed me off, cuz I've had assholes and Authority figures tellin me this most of my Life. Anytime, ya question th reasoning behind th shit peoples are tellin ya to do, well, YOU GOT AN ATTITUDE. Comin fron this clown was too much fer my composure.

I said, kinda loudly,

"FUUUUCK YOUUUUUU!!! Yer nothin but a faceless, mindless cog in th Machine, ya know that? Jus another sheep in th flock. A fucking lemming. You couldn't think your way thru a fuckin game of checkers without somebody tellin ya whut to do every step of th way. Go back to yer fuckin cubicle!!"

And I got up and went and sat some where else.

And jus fer th record; I ain't got no steeenking attitude!!!!!

th cap'm

Subject: And I thought no one was listening. Ha ha
Sunday, April 16, 2006 9:33 PM

So, did'ja notice in Hearne Christopher's column in today's paper where he brought up th issue of separation of Church and State to Judy Hadley, head of Liquor Control?

When asked by Christopher about Sunday liquor restrictions being linked to Sunday being a Christian holiday she replied,

"Not for us. It's not that. This is a perk of being a restaurant/bar in the city."

C'mon!!! Fuck!! Can ya believe this bitch!? That's the most ridiculous, absurd thing I ever heard. Does she think we are so stupid as to buy that crock of shit? Are we all really as ignorant as these politicians treat us?

If they really wanted to give these special restaurant/bars a perk, and since it has nothing to do with Sunday in particular, well sheeeit, why not prohibit liquor sales on Fridays instead, to everyone but the Chosen Few.

By closing all small taverns on Friday and that day being probably the busiest day in the bar business, they would reap a huge windfall. And don't all those big corporate operations deserve a break? After all, they have to answer to their stockholders, whereas owners of small neighborhood taverns are jus tryin to eke out a livin.

Now some people might say that's just plain silly to talk about banning liquor sales on Fridays. How could you possibly justify banning liquor sales on Fridays? Well, then, how can you justify banning liquor sales on Sunday either? Why not Friday, It's as good a day as any, and according to Hadley, it would simply be a perk for being a restaurant/bar.

If you can make one iota of sense out of this, lemme know. Just remember tho, it has nothing to do with Sunday being a Christian holiday!! OK? It's jus a little perk for big corporate bars.

Do you really believe that boys and girls?

Where in th fuck's th ACLU when we need them?

th cap'm

Subject: Sports News
Sunday, April 16, 2006 6:04 PM

Our beloved Royals, our Major League baseball team, that brings so much Pride and Joy and Prestige to all th peoples of Kansas City by their mere presence, just lost three games to th second worst team in baseball.

That wouldn't be so bad if we weren't th first worst!! Ha ha BELIEVE! (whut ever happened to that slogan anyway? did th peoples who penned it stop believing?)

th cap'm

Subject: Th Winds of Change Don't Blow in Kansas City. (not even a breeze)
Sunday, April 16, 2006 2:27 PM

This past Friday nite I mentioned to two bar owners my idea of challenging th existing liquor law that allows large bars to sell booze on Sundays, but prohibits small taverns from being open. This is jus another example of th big guys getting th breaks at th little guy's expense.

Well, nothin rilly new there huh! Thas th way things work in this country. Like, if Wal-Mart comes along and decides they would like to put one of their stores where your home is, so that th poor Walton family can make some more bucks, cuz, like, they gotta make a living too, well, they can condemn your property under Eminent Domain. Doesn't matter that it's not for a bridge or a highway, but that it's for a private for-profit business. Forget your so called rights as th owner of th property, YOU ARE FUCKED!

Well anyway, my idea was greeted lukewarmly, at best. Now I wasn't expectin these guys to leap up and cry out,


but frankly, I thought it would get some credence and a little bit more thought other than a cursory dismissal. They seemed to think it was like David goin up against Goliath. I pointed out that David in fact won that round, but they said Goliath was 50 feet tall now. Well sheeit, Thas OK, no matter! Cuz this time David doesn't have a little sling shot to work with; this time he's armed with an RPG. Goliath would drop! Hard!

But they said they were goin to see if they couldn't find some way to comply with this utterly stupid, senseless and unconstitutional law, rather than try and change it. Maintain th status quo. Don't rock th boat. Sheeit, yeah right, don't rock th boat, meanwhile, th sunsuvbitches are tryin to throw em overboard.
And while they admit they are being unfairly discriminated against, that there is no justification why they shouldn't be allowed to be open on Sundays too, they reply,


which made me want to leap, screamin into th air in anger and frustration.

Hell, when I first came to KC in th early '60s they had what they referred to as, "Blue Laws" at that time. That meant you couldn't buy anything on Sunday. You couldn't buy a magazine, or shoes or a light bulb; sheet you couldn't even buy a roll of toilet paper. You sure as hell couldn't buy any booze. And they busted peoples for violatin those laws too. Finally some body said, "This is insanely stupid."

And they changed th law, but you still couldn't buy booze.

It used to be that on voting days bars weren't allowed to open til after th polls closed. This was a holdover from th reform days after Pendergast, cuz durin his time they used to buy votes with booze, but it took em 45 years to come up to speed. If ya haven't noticed things don't move real fast here in KC,

When they finally got around to amending th sale of booze on Sundays, as a sop to th do-gooders, they said that only restaurants would be allowed to sell booze so th current quagmire is a result of that. It was an effort to appease th folks who, according to their religion don't think peoples should drink on Sunday.

I jus don't understand why this dumb ass blatantly un-constitutional law has been allowed to stand for so long without some one challenging it. I don't understand how you could possibly lose by challenging it on th principle of separation of Church and State. If jus one place can sell booze on Sundays, then ALL bars should be allowed to if they want to!!

I guess I shouldn't complain tho. I guess I'm fortunate to live in a place where complete strangers care enuff about me to safe guard my Morals. And fortunately they know what's best fer me, even if I don't.And they're willin to make sure I walk th straight and narrow, cuz it's fer my own fookin good!!!

What ever would we all do if it weren't for these kinda peoples. Sheeit, god only knows whut would happen if we didn't have these self appointed, self-righteous Moral Guardians watchin our every move and tellin us how to live

God bless em all.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap'ms got a Dilly of an Idea
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 1:46 AM

OK ya'll, here's th deal. We have this beautiful historic train station that they got us to renovate a few years ago at a cost of some hundreds of millions of dollars and they turned it into some kinda kiddies playground. Forget th Science Museum, there ain't much Science involved there at all.

It's a joke. This place has been losin money from th first day th doors opened. It's never come close to breakin even. They've gone thru different managements, but no one has been able to accomplish anything with it. It's dead in th water. We are subsidising it every single day. Thas not th way it was supposed to work out.

So here's what we can do with it and it would be an instant success. It would make big time money from th first day it was opened.


If peoples will drive 10-20 miles to th various casinos we already have, down along th riverbanks, don't ya think they wouldn't drive downtown? And be within blocks of th new Entertainment Center District, within blocks of th Sprint Center, within blocks of th Municipal Auditorium, within blocks of th proposed Fine Arts Center, within blocks of many of th major hotels in town that hold most of th tourists and business peoples who come here for conventions. It would feed off all th peoples who go to those places and in turn, they would benefit greatly from th traffic it would create. A symbiotic kinda relationship. Each feedin off th other.

You couldn't pick a better location!! Plus it would be in a historic building whose architecture would simple be too prohibitively expensive to duplicate. It could literally be a world-class casino. If they're trying to bring peoples down town, what better draw could you possibly get? A simple name that sez it all; th UNION STATION CASINO.

If you go to any one of th four casinos we currently have, when you're done there; what do you do?

Well, sheeit, ya get in yer car and drive someplace, cus there ain't a damn thing around them. Hell, jus think if they had put a baseball stadium downtown, imagine how many peoples could leave those games and head to th Union Station Casino fer some after game fun and gaming! Th downtown would be overflowin with peoples.

I mean, jus stop and think about th impact a casino would have downtown. And not to belabor th point, but since we already know peoples will drive those 10-20 miles to go to a casino, you KNOW damn well that plenty of em would rather make th short hop to downtown! Especially since there's gonna be so much else around it.

OK, thas th first part of th idea.'s th best part tho; this casino will not be owned nor operated by any one other than th City of Kansas City. Thas right. We already own th building. Why in th hell would you allow some outfit like, say Harrah's fr'instance, to capitalise on it and make a fortune off it. Why shouldn't all those dollars dropped there go right back into th Community?

Why couldn't th city run it and instead of getting those peanuts from taxes, like th communities they are located in now receive; why not instead get th whole thing? I have read where North Kansas City gets X millions of dollars in tax money from Harrah's and they're tickled to death to get it...BUT, in our case; why not get it all?

Thas what I'm talkin about. Th city of Kansas City gets ALL TH PROFIT from th casino!! A city service that is run for profit. Not jus a few piddlin tax dollars. But every fuckin dime of profit generated! I'm sure they could find knowledgeable and competent peoples in th gaming industry to operate it.

Now I dunno jus how much money it would generate, but I would guess it would be a substantial amount. I would suspect that th city budget would have plenty more monies to be fixin potholes and sewers and so on, th kinds of things they always cry about not havin th funds.

Also, it would make a great icon for Kansas City. We've never had a recognisable symbol before.

Ya'know, like, St Louie's got it's arch. Think of th Union Station Casino on every post card, T-shirt and so on. It would be uniquely distictive. Not another casino any where in th country like it. It's not owned by a private company, it belongs to Kansas City, and all its citizens. It would be Our Casino!

But, unfortunatly, this kinda thing will never happen here. Th KC business community would never allow it. Peoples here are too fuckin backward to ever look ahead.

They would prolly say th city has no business running a gambling casino. That we're not that kinda town. And yet, we already have four casinos here draining money out of our local economy and puttin it in th pockets of huge out of state corporations and leavin us with th scraps. What a shame! What a missed opportunity! What coulda been!

th cap'm

P.S. To th peoples who would say th city has no business runnin a casino; what th fuck, we already have a STATE LOTTERY run and operated by th State where th funds go to th State. So why in th hell would it be such a stretch to have a City run casino where th profits go to th City.

Subject: Living in the USA
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 4:30 PM

Did ya'll happen ta see in today's paper where an 82-year-old woman received a $114 ticket for taking too long to cross a street?

Mayvis Coyle said she began shuffling with her cane across Foothill Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley when the light was green but was unable to make it to the other side before it turned red. She said the motorcycle officer who ticketed her on Feb. 15 told her she was obstructing traffic.

Many countries in th world hold their elderly in a place of esteem and respect, but here in Amerika it's,


Sheeit, jus another example of th Law and Order Lunacy that pervades this country. Cops like th jerk who gave this old lady a $114 dollar ticket will tell ya they're jus doin their job, as tho they don't have a brain in their head to make an exception to th law.

"Tell it ta th Judge." is their response.

I'm surprised they didn't link her ticket to th War on Terror in some way like they do with everything else, like, obstructing th flow of traffic, thus creating a bottleneck that terrorists could exploit.

th cap'm

Subject: Life in the Dumb Belt (aka the Bible Belt)
Monday, April 10, 2006 12:42 AM

I saw an article in th paper jus a few days ago concerning Liquor Control's recent interest in, and enforcement of th absurd regulation which prohibits most bars from bein open on Sundays.

What happened to th Separation of Church and State doctrine? Why are religious peoples allowed to force their own peculiar attitudes on every one else? They consider Sunday a day of Worship, ergo, that means you can't drink on th Lord's Day. It offends them! How are they able to get away with this blatant, egregious violation of this bedrock doctrine of our country? I mean, I don't give a shit how they choose to worship on Sunday; cut some chicken's throats if ya insist, but leave me and everybody else to do with our Sundays aswe see fit.

Where n th hell is th ACLU when you need them? They can spend so much time and energy keeping th word "God" from public view, and makin sure that there's no element of religion allowed in public places, no Christmas creches on public property, etc, etc, and yet here we have an example of th Christian church forcing every one else to adhere to their version of what Sunday should be? Why in th fuck are they allowed to get away with that?

What if th Jewish Community decided to do th same thing with th Sabbath, their day of worship, which as you know is Saturday? No booze on Saturdays! Well, except for those businesses that get special ridiculous dispensations, like some places now get on Sundays. Well, of course you know what would happen there! Peoples (Christians) would be outraged at th effrontery of them to try and impose their beliefs on every one else. They would no doubt mention th Separation of Church and State issue and get incensed that Jewish peoples should dictate to them what they can and cannot do on Saturdays. But Sunday? Oh.... well, thas different, eh!

I don't understand how this ridiculous situation has been allowed to fester fer so long, fer years and years without some body challenging it on th Separation of Church and State? What possible reason could anyone give, that wouldn't some how go back to a religious conviction about Sunday? If you take that religious aspect out of th equation; why then is selling liquor on Sunday any different than selling it on Tuesday?

And what makes it particularly hypocritical is that it doesn't even apply to every one in th same way. If it's wrong to drink on Sunday, then how are "restaurants" able to serve booze? If it's somehow wrong; it's wrong wherever it takes place isn't it? Bars shouldn't be allowed to be open on Sundays cuz peoples drink there? But, sheeit, I know from personal experience, that you can get jus as fallin-down drunk in a restaurant as you can in a shit-kickin dive, ya'know whut I mean!

What about th various exceptions to th regulation? Now I haven't been to either Arrowhead or Kauffman in thirty years, but I believe you can drink on Sundays there, can't you? Why? Well, th millionaire owners would tell ya that those booze sales are critical to their bottom line. So it's OK to drink there, but not at yer local tavern...OK?


And we doan allow no steeenking dreenking on Sunday, comprende?!

th cap'm

Subject: Finally, somebody gets it right
Sunday, April 9, 2006 5:38 PM

I heard this past week where Massachusetts has passed a bill making it Mandatory that all peoples of their great state carry health insurance. Why didn't somebody think of this simple, yet ideal solution before? It's perfect!

Oh sure, th poor peoples are cryin and whinin that they don't have enuff money as it is, to pay fer food and shelter and heat and crap like that. Those peoples can always find somethin ta bitch about.

But th folks at Mass, thought about that too. Their solution, once again, very simple.


Thas right, they're gonna fine poor peoples who can't afford to buy health insurance.

OK, OK! Now don't go and start tryin ta apply some logic or reason here, cuz ya'll jus giver yerself a migraine. Jus drop yer Prozac and go with th flow. OK! There are smarter peoples than you out there finding these solutions to these complex prolems, ya dig!

th cap'm

P.S. Oh, and by th way, after that Prozac shit starts comin on and yer feelin kinda relaxed, and everything's feelin kinda groovy, if ya feel like it, y'know, ya might wanna write your Congress/person and ask em if they're tuff on Drugs!! Tell em that th War on Drugs is as important to you as th War On Terror. As a matter of fact, they now know that th perpetrators of 9/11 were all a bunch of guyz from Iraq all stoned on weed at th time. Thas whut that shit will do ta ya. One day, you're jus yer average Iraqi Terrorist, doin yer terrorist thing, and then somebody turns you on to some rilly good bud, and th next thing ya know yer flying an airplane into a building. Thas how powerful that stuff is!!!

Saturday, April 8, 2006 2:48 PM

Aw'right guyz and gurlz, did I get yer attention with that subject line?

However I would like to tell ya that almost everytime I get something that starts off that way....
It's amost NEVER awesome!!

th cap'm

Subject: A Nice Piece of Shit
Saturday, April 8, 2006 2:24 PM

My patriot friend sent this to me. When I read stuff like this I wanna go out and find th nearest flag where i can drop to my knees, with hand over my heart and say th Pledge of Allegiance. (and I'm talkin here th, "Under God" version too!!)

Unfortunately, when I copied this, all th great drawings of a Mad Uncle Sam wreaking vengeance on Osama went off into cyber-wasteland. In between each verse was a drawings of, like, Lady Liberty of course, numerous Amerikan flags waving, a pissed-off eagle rollin up his shirt sleeves, gettin ready ta take care of business, y'know, that sorta thing. It's rilly not as effective with out them, but maybe th verse alone without all th visuals, will be enuff to inspire a bit of th ol Patriotism in you anyway, jus in case ya happen ta be a fallen patriot.

And then let th projectile vomiting begin!


Even tho this has been around for 4+ years... It's still Very True...??? This is awesome. whoever did this deserves credit


I don't know who put this together but, they deserve a lot of credit.

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.

Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"

Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.

We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the
Red White and Blue.

So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to
kick your ass!!!

Keep this email going.. PASS IT ON


Well, aw'right, I did my part. I passed it on....and I jus hope that Osama Bin Laden dude has read this and know's what a hornet's nest he has stirred up.


th cap'm

P.S. As I've told ya before, I'm not much into poetry but, dolt that I may be, I would suggest that th author of this piece hang onto his day job!!

Subject: Different Shoes, Revisited
Friday, April 7, 2006 4:13 PM

A couple of days ago I mentioned a time in th past when I had inadvertently wore two different shoes one night. Well, I got out my cyber-shovel and uncovered this account of that incident from days of yore.

The Cap't purges hisself of Guilt and Shame Sept.16, 2000


I am about to make a Public Confession. While normally, I abhor these kinds of self serving, smarmy affairs, I DO feel a need to unburden myself, and I suppose Public Humiliation is as good a way as any. I have been secretly carrying the weight of this incident on my shoulders for six months now and have spoken of it to no one. but still, it's been eating at my core.

That was the first time this had ever happened to me. You hear horror stories about other peoples, but you just don't think it will ever happen to you. You know whut I mean!

I thought at the time it was just some quirky thing that would never occur again. But, after just repeating my incomprehensible behavior once more just a couple of nights ago, I feel I must confess.this shameful thing and try to purge the demons within. OK!?

Here goes: it happened like this. I came home early of the morn as is my habit, in my normal state of Being at that hour, getting undressed, preparing to rack out,..... when the realization struck me. That awful moment when you know you've Fucked Up!!...Yeah, thas' right!!



I let out in an anguished moan.

"Oh Fuck!" I said once again.

"What a fucking idiot you are!!"

I thought I had put all that shit behind me. Sure I fucked up once before but I had made a solemn vow at that time, NEVER AGAIN! And now; here it is once more. I felt everything spinning out of control and that's when I knew I needed help. (although actually, I think the spinning out of control thing was simply due to the fact I had lost my balance and was careening about the room a bit. (those of you who may have had similar experiences trying to step out of your trousers know what I'm talking about)

So last night I attended my first support group meeting of FIA (Fucking Idiots Anonymous) I had to stand up and introduce myself and say,

"My name is the Captain, and I'm a FUCKING IDIOT."

I wish I could say it was a cathartic experience, but I'm not so sure I will be going back though, because after hearing the stories of my peers..... I realized...... that I was the Biggest Fucking Idiot of Them

All!! There was no one there I could feel a bit smug and superior to, and smirk to myself and say,
"What kind of Fucking Idiot would do something like that?"

I mean, what's the point if you're down in the cellar of the Idiocy Tower? The way it felt to me was; that my presence there only served to make OTHER Peoples around me feel better about Themselves. But it didn't do Jack for my own self esteem!

So now, I must embark on my own Self Help program. I am obviously going to have to add one more item to my daily agenda. Each day I go through a checklist before I leave the house. Ya' know! Wallet? check....Money? check....Car keys? check... House keys? check...Cigarettes? check... Cigarette lighter? check...Comb? check....Phone? check... Loose change? check... something to read? check...Now, I'm gonna' have to add a new category,


I'm just gonna have to make sure that each one of my shoes looks just like the other one. Well anyway, although it's hard to find anything positive about this whole situation, I must say though, that at least this time, they were both two black shoes, rather than one hiking boot, and one Nike. I suppose we could call that progress of some sort.......couldn't we?

But remember this boyz and gurlz, before you judge me too harshly, just remember.....that ONE day.... you too might be a Fucking Idiot.

the capt.

P.S. Should that day ever come when you realize you might also be a Fucking Idiot too; just think of ME.That ought to make you feel better!

th cap'm

Subject: Public Proposals, (that is, getting engaged in public)
Wednesday, April 5, 2006 9:08 PM

Did'ja see in th paper a couple of days ago where this jerk proposed to his gurl friend in front of th entire third grade of th school where she taught. Like, at an assembly or somethin.

And jus ta make th whole darned thing so much cuter, according to th article, all th kids were in on this little cupid caper. They all knew it was gonna go down. Isn't that cute! Evidently th Star was too, since there was a pic of him on th front page of th metro section on one knee as he pooped th question. Yeah, I know...I mean’t “pooped” instead of “popped.”

I mean, did this self-important imbecile call th Star and tell em he was gonna surprise his girlfriend with a public proposal on his knee in front of th whole school and what a great story it would make? And I guess those peoples at th Star decided it would make a good human interest story, cuz they were there, camera in hand ta capture this priceless moment.

If that clown had thought this out a bit better he woulda done this last month on Valentine's Day, eh? Oh boy, what a great Valentine's Day story that woulda made! Why didn't he do it on Geraldo or Springer or Montell's show?

All I can say is; How Lame! How pathetic! How sickening! How nauseating! I wanna throw up in disgust. Whut is with, egomaniacal, narcissitic, grandstanding, hot doggers who turn their private affairs into public media events. Do they think it's cute? Th jerk who has a plane fly over th stadium with his proposal dragged behind on a banner! Th jerk who gets down on a knee on a TV show. Oh, sheeit, th examples are jus too many to list.

Why doesn't some one tell em there's nothin romantic or heart rending about it; that it's nothing more than a cheap, tawdry, phony-assed publicity stunt that makes em both look like a couple of bog runners.

My thinking about these kinda peoples is, after they've been spayed, and thus can't have offspring; they oughta go back to their trailer courts where th rest of their families and neighbors can get drunk celebrating their appearance on th TeeVee, or newspaper, or whutever. First one in th family ta ever be famous before!!

I'm sure they are thinkin tho whut a great story it's gonna be for th rest of their lives ta tell peoples jus how they got engaged. Oh and such a precious story fer th kiddies, and th grand kiddies, and th clerk at Quik-Trip, and th peoples in line with em at th unemployment office.

Thas th kinda story ya can share with anyone! And ya can bet yer sweet ass they will too! Well, sheeit, ya don't think some one would do somethin like that an not 'share' it with every one they ever encounter, do ya?

But ya'know, if someone told me that story I'd jus have ta excuse myself and tell em I didn't have no truck with peoples who were that incredibly stupid and revolting and tacky and jus plain ignernt!!.

th cap'm

Subject: It was a pretty good day. And a not so pretty good day
Wednesday, April 5, 2006 6:09 PM

I went ta th laundry today for my monthly cleanings. It was pretty good in that I found $23.00 in my six dryers. Not bad. I've had better days, but still, not bad! Since it cost me fifteen bucks ta do th laundry, I came out ahead eight bucks. Well not exactly, cuz since it was all my monies anyway, I'm not actually ahead anything. I have a tendency to leave my money in my shirt pockets and jean pockets and I jus re-discovered my own money. But felt like found money.

On th negative side, th Sock Monster gobbled up five of my socks. Why and how is it that ya go to th laundromat with 30-35 pairs of socks and when yer done ya got 5-6 socks got no mate? Where do those critters go? Do they sneak out durin th rinse cycle or whut?

Then ya spend all that time later on tryin to match em up and when yer done, ya got five socks left. So whut do ya do with those socks now? Well, whut I do is, when I'm down to th place where it's time to go do th laundry again and everything has been used up, and they're all I have left; well sheeit, I wear em anyway! Oh sure, occasionally, some nit picker will notice and exclaim in a loud voice so every one can hear,

"Hey Charley, ya got two different pairs of socks on! har har"

as tho they've jus made some kinda important discovery. "BFD" I allus reply. Like, whut difference does it make rilly, if I do have two mis-matched socks on? Who was it who decided that they should both be th same anyway? I hate nitpickers, don't you? Thas why I don't do stuff like that. Nitpick I mean. So, like, if you wanna wear two different kinds of socks around me, I ain't gonna say nothin about it! Mums th word. Well, at least not until ya leave anyway. then we'll all have some chuckles at yer expense, DUMMY!

th cap'm

P.S. Do ya recall th incident of a couple of years ago when I came sloshily back ta th crib one nite and in gettin undressed I couldn't help but notice I had one black shoe on and one brown one!! Now that was a bit embarrassing. I wondered how many peoples during th course of th evening had picked up on that and thought to themselves,

"Man, what a clod hopper!"

And whut made it worse was that I had promised myself a couple of years earlier; when I had done th same thing and had made a solemn vow that I would never do that again. Fer years on my nightly check list, after makin sure I had my wallet and money and keys and etc, etc, I always checked to make sure I was wearin matchin shoes, and then, sheeit... I did it yet again!! But shoe wise; I'm not gonna get caught in that kinda situation again, I promise!

Subject: Remember, Momma sez, "Always Pay th Cover Charge"
Sunday, April 2, 2006 11:22 PM

This past Friday nite I wuz up there at yer Mike's tavern on Troost, my favorite drinkin joint, and they had a band playin called, "Shaking Tree".

At one point, early on in their first set, in between numbers, th vocalist mentioned that some peoples had gotten in without payin th cover charge and they could make up fer that indiscretion by buying one of their CD's, thus atoning fer their crime and relievin their conscience, and also have some good music to listen to later. Kinda kill two birds with one stone, ya dig? Relieve yer conscience and get some good music fer only ten bucks! Whut a deal, eh.

Now, I've heard a lotta bands before, but thas th first time I ever heard one chide some members of th audience from th stage, about getting in free. Hey dude, It happens, y'know! It's gonna happen again. It's one of those negative parts of th business yer in. So, don't make a fuckin big deal of it, aw'right!! Jus do yer show and fuggedaboutit.

I mean, whut if you were eatin in a restaurant and th wait/person announced in a loud, booming voice,
"OK, ya'll, listen up! There were some cheap fucks in here earlier who didn't tip me, so I hope none of you ain't plannin on doin th same thing."

But whut rilly made this so memorable was that this fucker made this same announcement..... FOUR MORE TIMES! That makes five in all, if yer countin. I mean, like, every thirty minutes he did this same rap! Once was one time too many fer me..... but FIVE TIMES?

Yeah, hold that thought and don't let go!!! Gimme a break huh. With his constant whining about uncollected cover charges. he ruined for me, what coulda been a good show. But ya know whut, this jerk is prolly still bitchin bout it tho to anyone who'll listen.

Sheeit, this dude's prolly tryin to set up a Cover Squad made up of elite ex Army Rangers, Navy Seals, and so on, to track down and bring these scofflaws to Justice.some advice from th cap't

"Shaking Tree".


th cap'm

Subject: Standing Up For Your Beliefs
Sunday, April 2, 2006 10:14 PM

If ya ever wonder jus how strongly a politicians views are on somthin, and whut it might take to change them, we had a real good lesson on that right here this past week.

I read in th paper where Albert Riederer had decided to challenge Henry Rizzo for his seat as Chairman of th County Legislature. You remember Al, he use'ta be th County Prosecutor and is always on th political scene somewhere.

Now ya see, Rizzo is also th head guy in th Save Our Stadiums Committee and Albert is th co-chairman.

Th next day I believe, I read where Rizzo was now having some problems with th stadium issue. Keep in mind he's th Chairman of th committee to save th fucking place? I'm thinkin, man, this isn't gonna help th stadium issue when th chairman of th committee starts askin questions? Whut's goin on here?

Well, you can prolly imagine th grief and concern among th movers and shakers who are tryin to get this tax passed. This tax, bein th one they wanna heap on Jackson countians to pay for th improvements th muti-millionaire owners of these teams want em to pay fer th next 25 years so th peoples of Johnson county who are th only ones who can afford to attend these games will have all th amenities they expect and deserve. (whew)

Then I read where Riederer had decided not to run against Rizzo after all. Say whut?

So, then I read where Rizzo now said his concerns had been answered; they were minor concerns, and he was back on board 100%.

Now I don't know, but It appeared to me that there was a direct correlation between Rizzo's continuing support and th sudden withdrawal of Riederer's challenge to his seat.

Apparently th bosses got ahold of Albert and told him that now was th wrong time to go after Henry's seat and to bide his time and there would be payback fer Henry's blackmail. But for right now, they needed Rizzo's support.

And so, fer th good of th cause, Albert backed off and Henry returned to th Save th Stadium fold.

It would seem that th Chairman of th Committee to Save th Stadiums would have been willin to cause a stir among th ranks, thus helpin th opposition, if this fuckin Riderer was allowed to challenge him. This kinda shit goes on, right in front of us, in broad daylight. Sheeit. County politics; it's a gas, eh!

OK ya'll, so remember next time; vote for Henry Rizzo, a man of his word who stands up for his commitments!!

And if ya got any notions of unsettling King Henry, get ready to get yer hands dirty and in an alley fight, cuz he ain't gonna roll over and die on ya.

th cap'm

Subject: Jack Abramoff
Sunday, April 2, 2006 9:14 PM

I spose you've heard that Washington Scumbag Insider Uber Lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in Federal prison recently. Whut a joke!

When you think of th millions and millions he scammed, th thousands and thousands of peoples he scammed, to get th minimum sentence possible? What th fuck is that?

Th judge received some 250+ letters on his behalf from high profile peoples asking for leniency, and attesting to what a great all-around guy he is. A loving family man, a great father, a philanthropist, a whiz on th bar-b-que grill. You'd think this guy was being honored for Citizen of the Year instead of standing in front of a judge for sentencing.

Besides which, he won't be serving his time in a "prison", not th kind of prison you or I would go to, but rather a place with no walls, fences, or even locked doors on his room, not a cell, but room. Your average freshman dorm student has more restrictions than Jack will have. He will have access to TVs, phones, micro-wave, computers, visitors, and will prolly be able to have lunch off-campus regularly with old cronies. Jack's not gonna be doin what they call, "hard time."

But th worst part of th whole debacle is that, depending on his co-operation, his sentence could be reduced. And when they say it could be reduced, you can bet yer last dime on that!! Sickening, but true.

When it's all said and done, after a few months, which stretches th public's attention span, and peoples are goin, "Jack who?", he prolly won't do more than 18 months. Tops!

Man, we have such a fucked up Criminal Justice System in this country!! Criminal Justice for th rich and powerful means a slap on th wrist, and a not very hearty slap either. Tap would be more accurate.
Jack has already told th judge that he, "is a new man." haha. Well, like, fr' example, did'ja notice that he got rid of th black fedora he wore to his arraignment. Now ya see he's wearin a khaki kinda ball cap, jus like yer average joe. Altho I'm pretty sure Jack's cap didn't come from K-Mart.

When he eventually goes for final sentencing I can see Jack tellin th judge that he's had a lotta time to reflect on his actions, and with trembling lip and quavering voice, apologizing to th judge for getting emotional, (cuz while Jack has emotions tho, he doesn't show them, well, except fer, like, in those rare instances when he's facin a federal judge) takin a moment to wipe his eyes and compose himself, apologize to th court, and to his family, specially his kids, and to th community for what he has done. He'll say that while th Lord has forgiven him, he knows he will have to earn back th trust he betrayed.
If I were handlin Jack's PR, I would make his closing statement go somthin like this,

"Your Honor, last, but certainly not least, I want to apologise to all our fine young Amerikan men and women, who are at this very minute engaged in a great struggle defending our great nation and our way of Life and giving their very lives so we can live in Peace and Freedom. I am humbled by your sacrifices. May God bless you and God bless Amerika!"

And here, I'd have him slowly hang his head in remorse and shame, and discreetly dab his eyes once again.

Myself, I think they oughta send th fucker to Super-Max in Florence, CO for life. And if he agrees to co-operates fully and drops a dime on evey crooked pol he did business with, they might then transfer him to Leavenworth or Atlanta, or Lewisburg, y'know, one of th regular max security Federal joints and let him do th rest of his time there. You can bet yer ass Jack's remorse would be REAL!

th cap'm

Subject: Kansans and Missourians. Hark. You are not Alone.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006 8:11 PM

My friend, Ms. Linda, formerly of Missouri, now residing near Dallas, writes me that in an effort to reduce DUI's there, they have taken to arresting drunk peoples in th bars. They don't even have to go outside and get in a car. She said they recently arrested a couple in th hotel bar they were stayin at, fr'chrissake, along with th bartender who served them. Whew.

Well, whut th hell, as ya know, this is where Geo. Bush hails from and his influence is evidently still strong. They have taken a page from th Bush way of thinkin and are striking pre-emptivly.

But ya know whut, jus knowin there are peoples out there even dumber than our local yokels is not much of a consolation to me!!

th cap'm

P.S. But ya know whut, all Texans aren't like that. I know cuz I myself was born in San Antonio. Thas right! And I got family down there and we ain't no steeeking fools like th rest of those galoots!

Subject: Sunday Liquor Laws
Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:30 PM

Did ya read in th paper this past week where th City Liquor Control are auditing bars which have Sunday licenses to see if they are complyin with th regulation that sez only restaurants may be open on Sundays. In order to qualify as a restaurant ya gotta do more than 50% of yer biz in food sales.

They have already closed on Sundays a number of neighborhood tavern type joints, th kind of places I like to go to, like Finn's Waldo bar, Twin Cities, Kenny's Newsroom, y'know, small neighborhood joints. One guy complained he'd been doin business on Sunday fer 25 years without a problem! And now, this. A lotta of those small places need that income from seven days a week, but th city ordnance sez only restaurants can be open on th lord's day. Assholes!!!

Whut is th big fucking deal about Sunday anyway? Well, yeah as I mentioned earlier it is th lord's day, but whut happened to th separation of church and state doctrine guaranteed in th Constitution? Cuz obviously this whole Sunday thing is fuelled by th Christian folks attitude that Sunday is a day of worship. And since they run things they have these utterly absurd restrictions about booze on their day of worship.

Why is it that religious fucking quacks, whether they be Muslim or Christian, think they have a right to impose their own weird belief systems on everyone else? If ya wanna worship yer ass off on Sunday, sheeit, go right ahead dog, be my guest, kneel down and pray all fuckin day long til yer knees give out if ya feel like it. OK? I'm sure as hell not gonna bother you or try and stop you. It's none of my business how you care to spend yer day.

But leave me to my drinkin all day Sunday at my favorite joint, if thas whut I feel like doin. You do yer thing; I'll do mine. But noooooo, it doesn't work that way, does it? Why in th hell is it that peoples of religion, as I call em, and it doesn't make any difference which one it is, feel this compelling obsession to force everyone else to "share" their views. It's not enuff that they're "saved", they gotta save you too. It's fer yer own good, godammit!! Wear a helmet, buckle up, quit smokin, stop drinkin, go on a diet you fat pig, don't gamble, don't have sex, on and on and on.

So... how is it that these religious fucknuts can impose their attitudes on everyone else? Well, when ya live in backward places like Kansas and Missouri, peoples jus accept this kind of stupidity as th Norm, without givin it a second thought. I was bitchin bout this dumb-ass liquor law last nite to a gurl iI know and she said,

"But Charley, IT'S SUNDAY!"

Ya see, for her, in her dim witted little mind, that explained and justified everything. Whut makes it even more hypocritical is that this ridiculous regulation doesn't even apply to everyone th same way! Cuz, like, if yer located in th Plaza (an entertainment district) you don't even have to cook yer books in order to comply. If yer joint is within a mile or so of a hotel, you can get a Sunday license.

See, these religious hypocrites don't mind if godless, heathen peoples from th rest of th USA wanna spend some money on booze on a Sunday; thas perfectly OK, ya dig. Fer some reason their tourists dollars spent on Sunday booze are perfectly acceptable. "Hey dude, it's good fer th local economy." But we gotta protect our local citizens from drinkin at their local taverns on Sunday. If they wanna drink, let em go to a designated Sunday drinkin spot and pay double whut they normally do.

Oh, and by th way, do ya think it's jus a co-incidence all this enforcement of this bullshit law comes as th Downtown Entertainment District is beginning to come to fruition?. I'll tell ya whut: I'll bet ya anything there won't be any bullshit Sunday laws applyin down there.

th cap'm

P.S. Jus as an example of th mindset of these peoples, why do ya think they come up with th term for taxes on booze tobacco, gambling, adult entertainment, etc, as "sin taxes"?

Subject: FREEDOM (Pass th Vomit Bag)
Monday, March 27, 2006 3:17 AM

I dunno, there must be somthin missing in me, cuz when I get shit like this it doesn't make me wanna say th Pledge of Allegiance and salute th nearest flag; it jus makes me wanna vomit. Damn, I wonder if I'm unpatriotic? Cuz I hate crap like this. Here's what I was sent.

Cindy Sheehan asked President Bush,

"Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

Another mother asked President Kennedy, "Why did my son have to die in Viet Nam?" (she'd been better off askin Johnson and Nixon)

Another mother asked President Truman,

"Why did my son have to die in Korea?

Another mother asked President F.D. Roosevelt,

"Why did my son have to die at Iwo Jima?"

Another mother asked President W. Wilson,

"Why did my son have to die on the battlefield of France?"

Yet another mother asked President Lincoln,

"Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"

And yet another mother asked President G. Washington,

"Why did my son have to die near Valley Forge?"

Then long, long ago, a mother asked,

"Heavenly Father, why did my son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem?"

The answers to all these are similar --

"that others may have life and dwell in peace, happiness and freedom."

(let's see, um, Jesus died for Freedom? and Democracy too, no doubt! And a free-market capitalistic system too. yeah, right!)

This was emailed to me with no author and I thought the magnitude and the simplicity were awesome.

(Yeah, no shit, th magnitude and th simplicity. haha. awesome dude. Awesome enuff to get me running fer th barf bag)



God Bless America
Th dude fails to mention th mother who asked why her son died liberating Columbia and the mother whose son died in liberating fucking Grenada, fr'chrissake!! And then there's th mother whose son died in th Mexican War of 1848, and th mother whose son died in th Spanish American War.

As fer Vietnam, I'd like ta hear in retrospect how anyone can justify today th 59,000+ Americans killed there, and th several hundred thousand wounded; cuz our widely stated purpose was to preserve Democracy in South Vietnam. But in case ya haven't noticed, Vietnam today is a COMMUNIST country, north and south both, so It's hard for me to see how all those who died there gave up their lives for anything worth while, other than th misguided political whims of our leaders at th time.

They gave up their lives for nothing! Nothing good whatsoever came from their sacrifices. Peoples who lost loved ones there get mad when some one sez it was for nothing, cuz they simply can't accept that fact. They have to deny it. But, th fact is; we didn't preserve Democracy in Vietnam. Period! We left in disgrace, and worse, we abandoned many of our friends there, who had supported us.

It's th exact same thing happening in Iraq today. Nothing good will ever come from this. Every day th country is falling deeper and deeper into a civil war between th fucking fanatic Sunni's and th equally fanatic fucking Shiites. And we're right in th middle of it. Why?? Cuz Geo. Bush decided that those religious fanatics oughta have some Democracy, whether th dumb shits wanted it or not. It's that Democracy thing again; we seem to believe we have an obligation to unleash it on backward peoples everywhere.

Evidently George believes it's his Mission in Life as "th Most Powerful Man on th Planet" to give it to em. I think George read that phrase somewhere and it went to his head. He thinks he can do anything he wants, regardless of what th rest of th world thinks, cuz godammit, he's th most powerful man on th planet.

I believe we were much better off with Saddam in there than what we're gonna wind up with. At least we were several hundred billion dollars ahead and there were a a couple thousand Americans who would be alive, not to mention th thousands and thousands of wounded. I mean, rilly, what has been accomplished? Absolutely nada!! Since there weren't any WMD's there to threaten us, as we were criminally led to believe, what have we gained?

Well for one thing we have gained th everlasting enmity of several hundred millions of peoples who used to jus dislike us. Now they hate us with a passion. With our swagger and disdain for any one else's opinion, we alienated even our staunchest long time allies.

Now we wanna em to help bail us outta this ditch we dug ourselves into. And most of em are watchin th Big Bully from th West floundering like a beached whale, and delighting in every minute of it. Who can blame em? I mean, jus cuz someone sez you're th Most Powerful Man on th Planet doesn't rilly mean you can do any goddamed thing yer little mind wants. And th really sad thing is; there is simply no way outta this for us. At least no good way. Aw screw it. I get too pissed thinkin bout it all. Just embrace these thoughts.

"My country--- right or wrong! Amerikka---love it or leave it!"

Thas all ya need ta know. If ya don't like th way th Leader is runnin things; get th fuck out!!

Thas right folks! Do not even think about exercising your Constitutional Right to disagree bro, cuz we don't wanna hear any of that ACLU bullshit.

Is this th greatest country in th world, or whut!

God bless Amerika!

th cap'm

P.S. It is absolutely essential, that if you are talkin bout this country you must always end your bit with that statement. Although it's true that God has got plenty of other stuff to keep him busy in th whole UNIVERSE, which as ya know is a pretty big place; it doesn't matter, cuz every one knows he pays extra special attention to our great country. We are his favorites. He likes us a lot better than certain other countries I could mention. Sometimes tho, even we can get him miffed with our Evil ways, and then he has to send hurricanes and AIDS and Iraqs and Reality TV and meth andstuff like that to let us know we can't take im fer granted.

Subject: #3 Saga of the DUCKMAN Continues, ad infinitum it would seem, eh?
Monday, March 27, 2006 1:04 AM

OK, boyz and gurlz, in our last episode, through th Duckman's heroic actions, tragedy wuz averted.

Part Three:

As we stood there, amidst th chaos and disarray, th flour everywhere, th smoke, th ashes, with ever so tiny, wispy particles of somethin or other fallin all around us, like some kind of gentle black snow, I thanked him, on behalf of myself and all th peoples who live in Kansas City, fer we prolly would have all perished had he not intervened.

My name, no doubt would have forever issued forth in th same breath with that of Mrs O'Leary's cow, had he not been there for us. Years hence, peoples would still be talkin bout Th Great Conflagration that burned Kansas City to the ground as the result of a misguided attempt by Cap't Hoohah to warm up a fookin donut. This is a legacy one would not want to be burdened with fer th rest of one's life, y'know whut I mean! When filling out job resumes, under "accomplishments" I woulda had to say, "I burned Kansas City to th ground." Peoples don't wanna hire ya after you've burned a city up, or down, whichever ya prefer.

So anyway, th DUCKMAN accepted my gratitude and obsequious accolades with equanimity and good grace. And then, as though an afterthought, by way of makin small conversation, he said to me,

"Y'know, my exthreemly keen duck thenth of thmell alerth me to thom nuanth of........... of..........I can't quite put my wing on no"

and then, after a moment of further reflection, with a wide grin stretching across his beak, he said,

"I know... it thmellth like donut!"

"Well yes, how right you are sir."

I said, with a sheepish grin,

"See, I wuz in th process of warmin up a donut, y'know, just before ya arrived. And well, things got kinda outta hand, hehe and like, all of this is jus a result of my clumsy efforts. Apparently, it seems I over did it. heh heh. Whut a waste, huh!"

"Perhapth!" he chortled "But, maybe not. Leth take a clother look."

And he pulled a small brush off his DUCK UTILITY BELT.

"Normally, I uthe thith fer archaeological digth, but I think it will therve our purpoth."
And he proceeded ta softly brush away th flour on top of and surroundin th black mass on th stove top, until, shortly, there it emerged; th Donut itself. A-la-Capt-Hoohah style. Slightly charred and blackened, jus th way I likes em.

Reachin fer his DUCK UTILITY BELT once again, he retrieved a knife and two forks and two small, delicate, Meissen saucers and cut off a small piece, and handed it to me. I took a bite.

"Hmmm. Yeah. Delightful! Hmmmm, quite yummy."

"May I?" he said,

"But, to be sure, Ducky" I replied.

Then, usin th small portable cappuccino machine (yes, again from off his DUB) he brewed us a couple cups of a very fine Almond Mocha blend, on top of which he deftly squirted a large dollop of frothy whipped cream.

And so the DUCKMAN and I shared a nice repast there, just below th smokeline. Th donut, as I've said, wuz superb! And th conversation most congenial and satisfyin.

I remarked ta him how I had tried ta emulate him, even as a teenager, back when I sported a "duck-tail" haircut.

"Oh that!" he replied with a smug grin,

"Yeth, I had no idea at th time that pipplth would tho embrathe my hairthyle."

"Well," I said, "back in those teenage hooligan days of th 50's, not every one wuz exactly enamored of it. As a matter of fact, it wuz only those JDs of us who waddled ta a different quack. By th way, Mr. Duckman, ya ever heard of an ol honker goes by th street name of "Daffy" before?"

"For thure thir. Ath a matter of fact thath my pop." he said, as his face lit up with obvious pride

"No kidding, well I'll be damned. I remember him from th movies. I wuz always a big fan of his!" I said, and after a pregnant pause, I said,

"I knew there wuz somthin familiar but, um, like, I'm a bit confused.....uh, cuz he's like, black as a crow .... and yer...well um, y'know, like, white like a goose!"

"And yer point ith thir??"

And I kinda hem-hawed and shuffled around a bit.

"Tsk, tsk thir. Pleeth don't go there. Leth don't thir up th mud. Remember, we are all birdth of a feather are we not!"

"Yeah, I guess I see what ya mean." I replied, suitably chastised.

And so, after our enjoyable interlude there in th remains of th kitchen, th Duckman said,

"Thank you Cap't fer yer grathuth hothpitality. I'm glad I wath able to be of thom thervith to you, I will conthider your offer ta help me fight Crime and EvilDoerth, thuch as rude and imperiuth wait/thtaff perthonth and joggerth for example, but now, I muth be on my way, as otherth may be needing my help. Perhapth tho, you could help me in my take off. It appeerth it could be rather difficult."

"I am yur humble servant, sir." I replied.

to be continued, yet again












We'll see.

Cap't HooHaaaaaaah, Awaaaay!

P.S. Reflectin back on it, I realise that this mode of donut preparation, with th fires, and all th commotion and all, may be off-puttin to some, Should you attempt ta do yur own donuts in this style, always keep in mind Santayana's words, which in times of stress I always find most comfortin. They may strengthen yur resolve to see yur way through to its ultimately pleasant culinary conclusion.
Oh, by th way, ta be brutally candid, this whole scenario wuz NOT exactly my original plan ta begin with, I didn't set out with this scenario in mind, but as ya know, some times in our endeavors, Dame Fortuna steps in, and suddenly, our best laid plans can go terribly awry!

Subject: God Bless America
Friday, March 24, 2006 4:33 PM

OK ya'll, I received this piece of shit laced utter stupidity from three peoples, two of whom iI don't know. A person would have to be a certified, authenticated, with papers to prove it MORON, to embrace any of this simplistic, totally unrealistic, uber jingoistic CRAP!!

I suggested that they pull their heads outta their asses and take a look at the real world around em before wasting people's time with such garbage. I have taken th liberty of adding my thoughts in

parentheses to th ideas expressed.



"My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.


Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.


Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.


The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.


Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.


Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.


I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.


We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.


I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.


A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.


Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.


Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come.


If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.


It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.


Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."


Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.


To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night." Th Prez

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)




th cap'm

Subject: Inuit alarmed by signs of global warming
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:40 PM

This was a article my friend Ed sent me that starts out below.


The global warming increasingly documented by scientists and felt by wildlife and is hitting first and hardest in the Arctic, home to the Inuit people, who say this winter was the worst in a series of warm winters.


And th article goes on with their bitchin and whinin bout how things are changing up there in th Artic due to global warming.

OK, first of all, Who is these peoples? Huh? These Inuits? And, secondly, who is th horse they rode in on?

I mean, sheeit, whut do those peoples know bout anything? Like, ya ever heard of any Inuit movie stars? Are there any Inuit industrialists? Any Inuit scientists? Any Inuit theoretical physicist? Whut's th best batting average an Inuit ever posted? Ya ever seen Paris Hilton on th arm of some Inuit dude? Ya ever seen an Inuit on Amerikan Idol?

Th answer my friends to all these questions is blowin in th wind and it's a resounding FUCK NO! So, th question lingers....jus who are these peoples with their gloomy, sad sack attitudes?

Hey, looky here, the Bush administration's own team of scientists has assured us all along that all this so called global warming is just a big pile of, well jus co-incidentally, Warm Manure and nothing but irresponsible speculation. Jus like there are still WMD's in Iraq; we jus haven't found em yet. Jus like, we will find Osama; oh yeah, he can run, but he can't hide. Jus like we know Iraq was responsible for 9/11, and we got rid of an Evil Dictator there and th World is a safer place today because of it, well mebbe not Iraq itself, but certainly Des Moines, Iowa is! And even tho Geo. Bush is a Conservative; he's Compassionate.

Dammit! These are all FACTS boyz and gurlz you can count on! Not a bunch of mysterious mumbo-jumbo from a bunch of primitive heathens. Th next thing ya know these critters will be claiming oil prices are rigged by big business interests! They need ta get in their canoes and go paddle off somewhere and die quietly, and stop pestering us with their persistent pessimism.

th cap'm

Subject: Urban Myths, and Stories that are just a bit too Weird
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:06 AM

OK, This is a cool place to go th next time you get one of those stories that makes ya wonder about, like th burning mouse that set a guy's house on fire, or th dumb duck hunters.

There are other good sites like this out there too, like"'snopes," fr'nstance, but I kinda like th way this one is set up. You'll see plenty stories here you've received before over th years. I notice it could be updated too, but still fun and interesting.

check it out

th cap'm

Subject: It's a feud! It's a feud!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:33 AM

Ok ya'll, this is kinda amusing. Well, I dunno, it is ta me anyway. And you get in on it step by step, Isn't this exciting kids!

OK, so earlier today I get an E-mail from this dude that has no subject and no text and nothing but an ad for Yahoo photos.

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 03:33:33 -0800 (PST)
From: bill Durham (

Brings words and photos together (easily) with
PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail.
Yahoo! Mail
Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

That's all there was. So I write him and ask him,

"do i know you?"

He writes me back and sez,

"dunno who u"

I forwarded his blank message to him and simply wrote,

Subject: Re: you sent this to me?

He wrote me back and said,

"oh, now i remember. i got a bunch of e-mail addys from an unindicted co-conspiritor in opposition to this stadium issue. i recall sending something out this morning inadvertantly...musta been you. wanna stay on the list? c

Charley <> wrote:

"yo bill, i'm still not understanding just what it is you're promoting and exactly how you got my addy"

He writes me back

i am in opposition to the truman sports complex scam. i have a pac. One of our group sent me a bunch of e-mail addys to add to my newsletter list. you are part of that list. if you are not sympathetic to our cause and want to not receive mailings, then say so and i'll delete you. otherwise, you are one of several hundred on my list. capiche? wrote:

"yo bill, when it comes to opposition to th stadium issue yer kinda preachin to th choir in my case. fuck th stadium is kinda my thinkin. but besides that it always kinda pisses me off when peoples give out my addy without my permission. i view it as an unwanted invasion of my privacy.

i get mo plenty enuff spam as it is, and while you may not view what yer doin as spam, to me any unsolicited e-mail i get is spam, so i would appreciate it if ya removed me from yer list and i would like to ask a favor of ya, would ya please tell whoever it was that gave ya my addy along with th others ya mentioned to,


or lieu of that, ya might give me their addy and i'll do it myself, cuz, like, since yer willin to use their list to get out yer message, ya shouldn't have any compunctions bout lettin me have theirs, cuz they got no consideration fer other peoples themselves, ya dig."

th cap'm

Oooh Billy din't like that one bit ya'll. This part here he sent me was in bright blue letters so big he could only get about three lines on each page with about three words in each line, so you gotta try and imagine that as ya read it.

from billy

you need to take an english class. what a detestable pig you are. Not only won't i give you anything you ask for but i will go to bed tonight knowing i have met one of the most classless human beings i have ever encountered. not only don't we care how you vote, we don't care to have you in our city. your address is blocked fuckface. you are not worth the time or ether to send you anything, dipshit.

Ha ha, it would seem I musta hurt his feelings. Now see, th part that rilly hurt My feelings, cuz, like, I gots feelings too ya'know; (stop snickerin) is where he sez,

"we don't care to have you in our city."

Oooh, that stings! I guess I'm pretty much persona non grata now in KC eh! Curses! Whut chance do I have of ever findin a place where peoples will like me! Not very good amigos. Sheeit, I'm jus gonna have ta roam th countryside lookin fer handouts and countin on th kindness of strangers who haven't heard of my transgressions yet. Mebbe I could get ta South Dakota and have a little peace and quiet before th stagecoach arrives with th news about me.

Damn, I know I've already burned my bridges in Kansas. No refuge there. Those peoples over there would jus as soon string me up.

"We don need no steeenking judges!"

Remember this lesson boyz and gurlz, Be careful whut ya say (OK here comes a cliche) cuz it may come back ta haunt ya. And another thing; whut's wrong with my spelin anyway? Well, after I thought whut he said, I had ta reply as calmly and as rationally as I could.

Sent e-mail message

From: Date: Tue, Mar 21, 2006, 12:48am


And after I typed it out, I consulted my dictionary to make sure didn't mis-spell anything. I didn't wanna come across as an unlettered simpleton, ya'see.

Now.... back in th olden days, as a result of all this bickerin and name callin, Bill and I woulda been slowly walkin down Main street.... towards each other....eyes narrowed to slits, hats down low ta keep that noon day sun outta our eyes, while th women folk grabbed their yung'uns with one hand and their skirts with th other and scurried ta safety, and th old coots whipped their horses ta get their wagons outta th line of fire, and th rest of th townsfolk woulda been peekin out their windows, mouths agape in anticipation of some bloodlettin, and when we finally came to a stop, as Craigy pulled his coat slowly ta th he could get ta his six iron, that woulda been th signal fer my man up on th saloon roof ta give im both barrels of that sawed off. End of dispute!

But here in th Third Millennium, we jus exchange nasty e-mails. SIGH! Oh fer th good ol days, eh

th cap'm.

P.S. And ya'know whut else? Billy said I needed ta take an English class. I'm wonderin whut his fifth grade English teacher woulda said bout him sayin,
"dunno who u"

But anyway, did I say anythin bout his spelling? Nooooo, and y'know why? Cuz, like, I'm jus not a nit-pickin kinda guy, y'know whut I mean!

Subject: #2 The Feathered Fowl Crusader to th Rescue
Sunday, March 19, 2006 10:19 PM

When last we left the Capt. he was confronted with a sheet of flame there in his kitchen. Remaining calm, he chose to summon the DUCKMAN. He accomplished this by using his old DUCKMAN Summoner ring, which he had obtained years ago in a package of cereal, never thinking that someday he would actually have occasion to use it.

He flashed the Duck silhouette on a nearby cloud. Mere seconds later, his phone rang and before he was even able to speak he heard the unmistakeable voice of the DUCKMAN,

"Thith ith th DUCKMAN here. Are you in dithreth?"

"Say whut? Wha'd ya say?"

"I thad, are you in dithreth?"

"Am I in distress?"

'Yeth thir, thath what I athked?"

"Well shit yeah," I said, "What do you think? I called to chat about the fucking weather or something?"

"Keep calm thir.... while there ith a proper time and plath for tharcathm.... I thuthpect thth ith neither. Thay on th line. I'm going to need your athithtanth in my landing. Pleeth thtep out onto your front porcth"

So, while the fire is raging in the lab, I'm thinkin this dude is in some serious need of a speech therapist, but never th less, I went out to the front porch and I could see the DUCKMAN approaching in the distance.

"Thir, can you ID me?"

It seemed like a foolish time to be checking for ID's, but what the hell. I said,

"Yeah, Roger that!"

Hey, this is kinda cool. Y'know, I mean, like, the human drama and all like that. I'm gonna talk the DUCKMAN in. Sheeit, I've seen this scene in the movies bunches of times before. Landing on that aircraft carrier in th dark. Bad weather conditions, an icy deck. Now it's happening to me, right here in Real Life.

I think I'll give him the call sign, White Fowl One. Thas cool. So, as per the WF1's instructions, I put a cigarette lighter in each hand and proceeded to guide him in.

"You're a bit too low in your approach, White Fowl One. Do you read me?.....Pull it up!"

I said trying not to let my voice betray my concern.

"Roger. copy that"

he said, but he was still too low.

"White Fowl One, this is the Captain speaking, Pull it up! Pull it up!!"

and now I was starting to get a little frantic, because it was obvious he was coming in way too low and fast and was gonna crash right into the edge of the porch.

"White Fowl One. Yer coming in too Hot! Do you read me White Fowl One? Repeat, yer comin in too Hot!"

I cried desperately. And as he came in, for a moment, Time itself seemed to stand still, (later, we will discuss this in more depth, for now just let me leave you with a quote from Albert Einstein, "Time is only an illusion, albeit a persistent one") and my life flashed before my eyes and I thought,

"Oh bummer. Do I have to go through all that shit again?"

and at the very last second, with his huge webbed feet splayed out, he cleared the edge of th porch and hit heavily deploying his drag chute, and throwing his wings into a reverse flutter, careening and skidding madly about on the wet porch, finally coming to a stop mere inches from the front door.


he exclaimed, wiping a bead of perspiration off his brow and with a nervous self-conscious chortle he said.

"I thought I was a dead duck there for a thecond. haha. Juth a bit of fowl humor. Tho then.... may I hep you?"

he said in an unnaturally high voice, triggering a distant memory and so with out thinking I said somewhat taken aback, "Um...yeah... gimme a regular beef and some fries.... and ..uh..."

"Thtop that foolithneth!! "

he said sternly,

"Why did you thummon me? And by the way, thth ith th third millennium y'know. You need to get my phone number, or my fax or E-Mail or thomething, cuth I haven't rethponded to one of theeth antique methodth in many yearth"

and he gave me his card while I quickly led him to the kitchen.

"Oh yeah, I thee what you mean. No problema. Thtand back thir, I'll thoon have everything under control"

Having said that, he went to his DUCK UTILITY BELT and produced a large cannister labled FLOUR which he proceeded to throw all over the stove and in nothing flat the blaze was smothered and contained.

(sounds kinda anti-climatic, don't it? "in nothing flat, the blaze was smothered and contained". Sheeit.

When Hollywood gets ahold of this you can be assured they'll get some more drama outta this scene)


I said, amazed,

"How did you do that?"

"Pretty elementary really thir"

he said in an off-hand nonchalant manner, tho I detected a trace of smugness there.

"Hey Mr. Duckman, as long as yer here, lemme ask ya something?" I said.

"I've always been curious. Why do ya wear that little mask over yer eyes? I mean, as disguises go, It doesn't really do all that much. cuz I mean, it's pretty obvious yer a fookin Duck! No offense. And by the way, would ya have any openings, y' know, in a sidekick kinda fashion....cuz, like, I already got a name. I'm Captain Hoohah see. And I'm pretty good at crafts and stuff so I could make my own mask and all, and rig up some kinda uniform for, y'know, when we go out on patrol in th evenings. And y'know, in the daytime I could be just plain old, mild mannered cab driver Joe Drack, (Where in the fuck did you learn to drive? YOU STUPID MUTHERFUCKING OLD BITCH!!) and in the evenings put on my outfit and become CAPTAIN HOOHAH, the DUCKMAN's faithful companion."

"Well", he said, in a kinda doubious tone,

"Thankth kid, but, you know, I kinda like to work tholo, if you know what I mean?"

And as he looked around and surveyed the chaos and destruction of my kitchen there, he said,

"And bethidth, I'm not thure if you're quite ready yet."

to be continued

th cap'm


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