joe dreck
March 24, 2006

Joe Dreck, The Captain, was once a foreign
affairs advisor for Ross Perot.

Email Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: God Bless America
Date:
Friday, March 24, 2006 4:33 PM

OK ya'll, I received this piece of shit laced utter stupidity from three peoples, two of whom iI don't know. A person would have to be a certified, authenticated, with papers to prove it MORON, to embrace any of this simplistic, totally unrealistic, uber jingoistic CRAP!!

I suggested that they pull their heads outta their asses and take a look at the real world around em before wasting people's time with such garbage. I have taken th liberty of adding my thoughts in

parentheses to th ideas expressed.

********************

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

"My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

(I THINK WE'VE HEARD THAT LINE BEFORE, EH? WASN'T IT JUST THREE YEARS AGO WE WERE TOLD,"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED")

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

(WHEW. 30 DAYS? IT TOOK EM SIX MONTHS TO GET EM THERE, AND THEY WERE IN A HURRY THEN, BUT I GUESS TH TRIP HOME NEVER SEEMS TA TAKE AS LONG AS TH TRIP TO GET THERE)

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

(WELL, WHAT BULLSHIT! WE DON'T SPEND 70 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR ON FOREIGN AID YA FUCKING IDIOT)

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

(NO, CUZ OWN OWN CORRUPT GOVERNMENT LEADERS THEMSELVES AIN'T HARDLY FAT ENUFF YET)

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

(HMMMM, I DO BELIEVE I'VE HEARD THAT BIT OF RHETORIC BEFORE SOMEPLACE, EH? DO YA THINK THAT THREAT LEAVES THE TERRORISTS QUAKING IN THEIR BOOTS? AS IN, "OH MY GOD, NOW WE'VE REALLY MADE EM MAD! HEY, YA KNOW WHAT, WE BETTER NOT BE FLYIN ANY MORE PLANES INTO THEIR BUILDINGS, CUZ THESE DUDES ARE RILLY PISSED NOW!")

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

(WELL YEAH, MAYBE, BUT AS I RECALL, NEITHER TH CHINESE NOR THE FROGGIES INVADED A MUSLIM COUNTRY, LIKE WE DID)

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.

(KEEP YER FUCKIN BENZES, AND REDUCTIONIST COOKINGS AND YER FUCKIN VODKAS AND STICK EM! OK)

We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

(ACTUALLY, A SENSIBLE SUGGESTION. AS TO TH SECOND SENTENCE??? WHAT TH FU... SPEAK ENGLISH DUDE!!)

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

(OK, OK, ONCE AGAIN, I GOTTA ADMIT, I GOT NO COMPLAINT WITH THIS)

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

(CUZ WE MIGHT JUST INVADE YER ASS LOOKIN FER SOME WMD'S WE HEARD ON TH STREET YA WERE STOCKPILIN IN ANTICIPATION OF MUSHROOM CLOUDING ONE OF OUR FINE CITIES. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, BUSTER, SO...WATCH YER BACK!)

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

(OH AND BY TH WAY, WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT YOU TACO BENDERS HAVE GOT SOME WMD'S HIDDEN AND ARE JUS WAITIN FER TH RIGHT OPPORTUNITY TA UNLEASH ONE ON DES MOINES. DON'T DO ANYTHING ESTUPIDO, COMPRENDE)

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come.

(SHEEEIT. IT WOULD TAKE TEN YEARS TO GET UP AND GOING, AND EVEN THEN IT WOULD ONLY AMOUNT TO A TRICKLE OF WHAT WE NEED).

If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

(YEAH, YA MIGHT WANNA MOVE TO ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES WHERE WE CURRENTLY EXPORT SOME OF THAT ALASKAN OIL THAT COMES OUT OF TH VALDEZ PIPE LINE)

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

(YEAH, THAS WHY WE WANNA SPEND COUNTLESS BILLIONS AND BILLIONS TO GO TO MARS, FR'CHRISSAKE!! BOY THAS SURE GONNA HELP JOE AVERAGE AMERIKAN PUT SOME FOODS ON TH TABLE, HUH)

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

("DARN TOOTIN". WELL SAID, CUZ, LIKE, WE DON NEED NO STEEENKING BANANAS!)

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

(THAS RIGHT FOLKS, IT'S TIME TO GO TO MARS! UP, UP, AND AWAAAAY! SHEEEIT, YA NEVER CAN TELL, THERE JUS MIGHT BE SOME OIL THERE)

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night." Th Prez

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

***************

OK, YA'LL. PRETTY DARNED THOUGHT PROVOKING EH? THAS WHY I'M PASSIN IT ON. THINK ABOUT IT.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT! AND GOD BLESS AMERIKKA!

th cap'm


Subject: Inuit alarmed by signs of global warming
Date:
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:40 PM

This was a article my friend Ed sent me that starts out below.

**********

The global warming increasingly documented by scientists and felt by wildlife and is hitting first and hardest in the Arctic, home to the Inuit people, who say this winter was the worst in a series of warm winters.

***********

And th article goes on with their bitchin and whinin bout how things are changing up there in th Artic due to global warming.

OK, first of all, Who is these peoples? Huh? These Inuits? And, secondly, who is th horse they rode in on?

I mean, sheeit, whut do those peoples know bout anything? Like, ya ever heard of any Inuit movie stars? Are there any Inuit industrialists? Any Inuit scientists? Any Inuit theoretical physicist? Whut's th best batting average an Inuit ever posted? Ya ever seen Paris Hilton on th arm of some Inuit dude? Ya ever seen an Inuit on Amerikan Idol?

Th answer my friends to all these questions is blowin in th wind and it's a resounding FUCK NO! So, th question lingers....jus who are these peoples with their gloomy, sad sack attitudes?

Hey, looky here, the Bush administration's own team of scientists has assured us all along that all this so called global warming is just a big pile of, well jus co-incidentally, Warm Manure and nothing but irresponsible speculation. Jus like there are still WMD's in Iraq; we jus haven't found em yet. Jus like, we will find Osama; oh yeah, he can run, but he can't hide. Jus like we know Iraq was responsible for 9/11, and we got rid of an Evil Dictator there and th World is a safer place today because of it, well mebbe not Iraq itself, but certainly Des Moines, Iowa is! And even tho Geo. Bush is a Conservative; he's Compassionate.

Dammit! These are all FACTS boyz and gurlz you can count on! Not a bunch of mysterious mumbo-jumbo from a bunch of primitive heathens. Th next thing ya know these critters will be claiming oil prices are rigged by big business interests! They need ta get in their canoes and go paddle off somewhere and die quietly, and stop pestering us with their persistent pessimism.

th cap'm


Subject: Urban Myths, and Stories that are just a bit too Weird
Date:
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:06 AM

OK, This is a cool place to go th next time you get one of those stories that makes ya wonder about, like th burning mouse that set a guy's house on fire, or th dumb duck hunters.

There are other good sites like this out there too, like"'snopes," fr'nstance, but I kinda like th way this one is set up. You'll see plenty stories here you've received before over th years. I notice it could be updated too, but still fun and interesting.

check it out

th cap'm

http://www.truthorfiction.com/index-humor.htm


Subject: It's a feud! It's a feud!
Date:
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:33 AM

Ok ya'll, this is kinda amusing. Well, I dunno, it is ta me anyway. And you get in on it step by step, Isn't this exciting kids!

OK, so earlier today I get an E-mail from this dude that has no subject and no text and nothing but an ad for Yahoo photos.

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 03:33:33 -0800 (PST)
From: bill Durham (bldurham@ccs.net)
To: capthoohah@webtv.net

Brings words and photos together (easily) with
PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail.
Yahoo! Mail
Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

That's all there was. So I write him and ask him,

"do i know you?"

He writes me back and sez,

"dunno who u"

I forwarded his blank message to him and simply wrote,

Subject: Re: you sent this to me?

He wrote me back and said,

"oh, now i remember. i got a bunch of e-mail addys from an unindicted co-conspiritor in opposition to this stadium issue. i recall sending something out this morning inadvertantly...musta been you. wanna stay on the list? c

Charley <capthoohah@webtv.net> wrote:

"yo bill, i'm still not understanding just what it is you're promoting and exactly how you got my addy"

He writes me back

i am in opposition to the truman sports complex scam. i have a pac. One of our group sent me a bunch of e-mail addys to add to my newsletter list. you are part of that list. if you are not sympathetic to our cause and want to not receive mailings, then say so and i'll delete you. otherwise, you are one of several hundred on my list. capiche?capthoohah@webtv.net wrote:

"yo bill, when it comes to opposition to th stadium issue yer kinda preachin to th choir in my case. fuck th stadium is kinda my thinkin. but besides that it always kinda pisses me off when peoples give out my addy without my permission. i view it as an unwanted invasion of my privacy.

i get mo plenty enuff spam as it is, and while you may not view what yer doin as spam, to me any unsolicited e-mail i get is spam, so i would appreciate it if ya removed me from yer list and i would like to ask a favor of ya, would ya please tell whoever it was that gave ya my addy along with th others ya mentioned to,

FUCK OFF AND DIE SCUM SUCKIN PIG!!

or else....in lieu of that, ya might give me their addy and i'll do it myself, cuz, like, since yer willin to use their list to get out yer message, ya shouldn't have any compunctions bout lettin me have theirs, cuz they got no consideration fer other peoples themselves, ya dig."

th cap'm

Oooh Billy din't like that one bit ya'll. This part here he sent me was in bright blue letters so big he could only get about three lines on each page with about three words in each line, so you gotta try and imagine that as ya read it.

from billy

you need to take an english class. what a detestable pig you are. Not only won't i give you anything you ask for but i will go to bed tonight knowing i have met one of the most classless human beings i have ever encountered. not only don't we care how you vote, we don't care to have you in our city. your address is blocked fuckface. you are not worth the time or ether to send you anything, dipshit.

Ha ha, it would seem I musta hurt his feelings. Now see, th part that rilly hurt My feelings, cuz, like, I gots feelings too ya'know; (stop snickerin) is where he sez,

"we don't care to have you in our city."

Oooh, that stings! I guess I'm pretty much persona non grata now in KC eh! Curses! Whut chance do I have of ever findin a place where peoples will like me! Not very good amigos. Sheeit, I'm jus gonna have ta roam th countryside lookin fer handouts and countin on th kindness of strangers who haven't heard of my transgressions yet. Mebbe I could get ta South Dakota and have a little peace and quiet before th stagecoach arrives with th news about me.

Damn, I know I've already burned my bridges in Kansas. No refuge there. Those peoples over there would jus as soon string me up.

"We don need no steeenking judges!"

Remember this lesson boyz and gurlz, Be careful whut ya say (OK here comes a cliche) cuz it may come back ta haunt ya. And another thing; whut's wrong with my spelin anyway? Well, after I thought whut he said, I had ta reply as calmly and as rationally as I could.

Sent e-mail message

From: capthoohah@webtv.net(Charley) Date: Tue, Mar 21, 2006, 12:48am

YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. KISS MY ASS COCKSUCKER! YOU HAVE SHIT FOR BRAINS YOU FUCKHEAD. WHAT A FUCKING PUNK YOU ARE!!!

And after I typed it out, I consulted my dictionary to make sure didn't mis-spell anything. I didn't wanna come across as an unlettered simpleton, ya'see.

Now.... back in th olden days, as a result of all this bickerin and name callin, Bill and I woulda been slowly walkin down Main street.... towards each other....eyes narrowed to slits, hats down low ta keep that noon day sun outta our eyes, while th women folk grabbed their yung'uns with one hand and their skirts with th other and scurried ta safety, and th old coots whipped their horses ta get their wagons outta th line of fire, and th rest of th townsfolk woulda been peekin out their windows, mouths agape in anticipation of some bloodlettin, and when we finally came to a stop, as Craigy pulled his coat slowly ta th side....so he could get ta his six iron, that woulda been th signal fer my man up on th saloon roof ta give im both barrels of that sawed off. End of dispute!

But here in th Third Millennium, we jus exchange nasty e-mails. SIGH! Oh fer th good ol days, eh

th cap'm.

P.S. And ya'know whut else? Billy said I needed ta take an English class. I'm wonderin whut his fifth grade English teacher woulda said bout him sayin,
"dunno who u"
"co-conspiritor"
"inadvertantly"
"musta"
"wanna"
"capiche"

But anyway, did I say anythin bout his spelling? Nooooo, and y'know why? Cuz, like, I'm jus not a nit-pickin kinda guy, y'know whut I mean!


Subject: #2 The Feathered Fowl Crusader to th Rescue
Date:
Sunday, March 19, 2006 10:19 PM

When last we left the Capt. he was confronted with a sheet of flame there in his kitchen. Remaining calm, he chose to summon the DUCKMAN. He accomplished this by using his old DUCKMAN Summoner ring, which he had obtained years ago in a package of cereal, never thinking that someday he would actually have occasion to use it.

He flashed the Duck silhouette on a nearby cloud. Mere seconds later, his phone rang and before he was even able to speak he heard the unmistakeable voice of the DUCKMAN,

"Thith ith th DUCKMAN here. Are you in dithreth?"

"Say whut? Wha'd ya say?"

"I thad, are you in dithreth?"

"Am I in distress?"

'Yeth thir, thath what I athked?"

"Well shit yeah," I said, "What do you think? I called to chat about the fucking weather or something?"

"Keep calm thir.... while there ith a proper time and plath for tharcathm.... I thuthpect thth ith neither. Thay on th line. I'm going to need your athithtanth in my landing. Pleeth thtep out onto your front porcth"

So, while the fire is raging in the lab, I'm thinkin this dude is in some serious need of a speech therapist, but never th less, I went out to the front porch and I could see the DUCKMAN approaching in the distance.

"Thir, can you ID me?"

It seemed like a foolish time to be checking for ID's, but what the hell. I said,

"Yeah, Roger that!"

Hey, this is kinda cool. Y'know, I mean, like, the human drama and all like that. I'm gonna talk the DUCKMAN in. Sheeit, I've seen this scene in the movies bunches of times before. Landing on that aircraft carrier in th dark. Bad weather conditions, an icy deck. Now it's happening to me, right here in Real Life.

I think I'll give him the call sign, White Fowl One. Thas cool. So, as per the WF1's instructions, I put a cigarette lighter in each hand and proceeded to guide him in.

"You're a bit too low in your approach, White Fowl One. Do you read me?.....Pull it up!"

I said trying not to let my voice betray my concern.

"Roger. copy that"

he said, but he was still too low.

"White Fowl One, this is the Captain speaking, Pull it up! Pull it up!!"

and now I was starting to get a little frantic, because it was obvious he was coming in way too low and fast and was gonna crash right into the edge of the porch.

"White Fowl One. Yer coming in too Hot! Do you read me White Fowl One? Repeat, yer comin in too Hot!"

I cried desperately. And as he came in, for a moment, Time itself seemed to stand still, (later, we will discuss this in more depth, for now just let me leave you with a quote from Albert Einstein, "Time is only an illusion, albeit a persistent one") and my life flashed before my eyes and I thought,

"Oh bummer. Do I have to go through all that shit again?"

and at the very last second, with his huge webbed feet splayed out, he cleared the edge of th porch and hit heavily deploying his drag chute, and throwing his wings into a reverse flutter, careening and skidding madly about on the wet porch, finally coming to a stop mere inches from the front door.

"Whew!"

he exclaimed, wiping a bead of perspiration off his brow and with a nervous self-conscious chortle he said.

"I thought I was a dead duck there for a thecond. haha. Juth a bit of fowl humor. Tho then.... may I hep you?"

he said in an unnaturally high voice, triggering a distant memory and so with out thinking I said somewhat taken aback, "Um...yeah... gimme a regular beef and some fries.... and ..uh..."

"Thtop that foolithneth!! "

he said sternly,

"Why did you thummon me? And by the way, thth ith th third millennium y'know. You need to get my phone number, or my fax or E-Mail or thomething, cuth I haven't rethponded to one of theeth antique methodth in many yearth"

and he gave me his card while I quickly led him to the kitchen.

"Oh yeah, I thee what you mean. No problema. Thtand back thir, I'll thoon have everything under control"

Having said that, he went to his DUCK UTILITY BELT and produced a large cannister labled FLOUR which he proceeded to throw all over the stove and in nothing flat the blaze was smothered and contained.

(sounds kinda anti-climatic, don't it? "in nothing flat, the blaze was smothered and contained". Sheeit.

When Hollywood gets ahold of this you can be assured they'll get some more drama outta this scene)

"Wow"

I said, amazed,

"How did you do that?"

"Pretty elementary really thir"

he said in an off-hand nonchalant manner, tho I detected a trace of smugness there.

"Hey Mr. Duckman, as long as yer here, lemme ask ya something?" I said.

"I've always been curious. Why do ya wear that little mask over yer eyes? I mean, as disguises go, It doesn't really do all that much. cuz I mean, it's pretty obvious yer a fookin Duck! No offense. And by the way, would ya have any openings, y' know, in a sidekick kinda fashion....cuz, like, I already got a name. I'm Captain Hoohah see. And I'm pretty good at crafts and stuff so I could make my own mask and all, and rig up some kinda uniform for, y'know, when we go out on patrol in th evenings. And y'know, in the daytime I could be just plain old, mild mannered cab driver Joe Drack, (Where in the fuck did you learn to drive? YOU STUPID MUTHERFUCKING OLD BITCH!!) and in the evenings put on my outfit and become CAPTAIN HOOHAH, the DUCKMAN's faithful companion."

"Well", he said, in a kinda doubious tone,

"Thankth kid, but, you know, I kinda like to work tholo, if you know what I mean?"

And as he looked around and surveyed the chaos and destruction of my kitchen there, he said,

"And bethidth, I'm not thure if you're quite ready yet."

to be continued

th cap'm


Subject: St. Patrick's Day Tomfoolery
Date:
Saturday, March 18, 2006 5:33 PM

Did anyone wish you a Happy St. Patrick's day ysterday? Whut's the deal here? I had at least a dozen peoples say this to me last nite, usually accompanied by a handshake combined with a hearty slap on th back! I mean, I'm not Irish! Most of em weren't Irish either and we're all wishin each other Happy St. Patty's Day. Whyizzat?

Y'know, if Irish folks want to celebrate this day, well, sheeit thas perfectly OK by me, I gots lots of Irish comrads, so, knock yerselves out.

But, since I'm not Irish, why do I have to participate? Why do I have to defend myself fer not gettin into th Spirit of th Thing? Scuse me, but I'm not Irish, so whut's to celebrate? You know, it wasn't that many years ago in this town that so much as even 50 people celebrated this day! Now, th whole city gets involved. Now, ya gotta get excited about it. It's gotten to be almost like yer civic duty. You gotta wear some green! You gotta get with it.

"Hey Asshole! Where's yer green? Whut th hells th matter with you?! Don't ya know it's St. Patty's Day? Jerk!"

And this is said to ya by some dude from Croatia. And everybody gets drunk on their asses celebratin. Look ese, once again, I got no problema with that, but, like, I don't need an excuse to get drunk, awright. I don't need no steenking Birthdays, New Years Eve, Super Bowl, St. Patty's Day, July 4th, etc. etc. I'm gonna get drunk anyway, ya dig?

Whut the hell, I'm gonna get drunk again tonight!! So whut! BFD. And sheeit, whut about all th other days, like, Merry Holy Moses Day? Happy former St. Christopher's Day? Merry Martin Luther King Day? Happy Atomic Bomb Day? Cinco de Mayo Day?

See.... now there's one I don't be goin up to folks with a cheery,

"Happy Cinco de Mayo Day! C'mon ese, have a shot of tequila with me. Don't make no difference whether ya know me or not. No es importante! Let's get down with our own damn bad selves and party, cuz it's Cinco De Mayo!!"

Nah, I don't do that, and yet.... I have the credentials! Fer sure. See, my peoples came over here from Castille, Spain, in 1723 by way of th Canary Islands, long, long time ago, bringin our language, customs, mores, diseases, and Religion to the ignorant, barbaric, indigenous savages here who didn't have benefit of these things prior to our arrival.

We tried to bring God and Civilization to their sorry asses: and today, there's even a handful of survivors left. St. Patrick delivered Ireland of it's snakes. We just came and obliterated the natives: all fer their own good, of course. Well, y'know th ol expression; th only good infidel pagan is a Dead infidel pagan, y'know whut I'm sayin'!

Well anyway, enuff of my ramblin. To all my Irish friends: pay no heed to me. Just a wee bit of ethnic envyhere, it seems. I hope ya had a swell time. Boy, I know I certainly did! Whew! And best of all, I managed to stay outta th Crossbar Hotel. Hope ya had th Luck o' th Irish too.

We'll have to get together next year and do this again. Hey, I gotta idea; perhaps we could combine St. Patrick's and Cinco de Mayo. There's a great party idea! A bunch of drunken Micks and Spics slingin down green tequilas. Salud!

So, fer all my Irish amigos, I leave ya with th followin greeting. Hope all is well with ya. Erin go whutever.

http://culcom.net/~wave123/fyu.wav

th cap'm


Subject: St. Patty's Day Repast
Date:
Saturday, March 18, 2006 5:04 PM

Y'know, yesterday, being SPD and all, I purchased for myself a chunk of corned beef and fixed it up here in th kitchen and it was good. It was excellent as a matter of fact, which would surprise no one who is familiar with my culinary skills.

The only deviation I made from a traditional Irish repast though, was my substitution of some quacamole for the despised boiled cabbage. I mentioned this to someone last night and their eyes bulged out of their heads and they looked at me askance as if i were some kind of deranged person. It went like this,

"QUACAMOLE? Are you fucking insane?"

They shrieked. To which I repled in a much more dignified manner I might add,

"No I am not fucking insane. It was really quite tasty."

and once again they said,

"Corned beef and quacamole?!!"

in a high pitched voice. And with a look of stunned disbelief they walked away shaking their head and muttering, much in the same manner that you see loony-tunes walkin down th street. Sheeeit. I might just as well told them that the Pope was gay; the reaction would have been no less severe I think.

Well anyway, if you're like me and the smell of boiling cabbage leaves you retching, try this fetching alternative when next you do corned beef.

th cap'm


Subject: Poetry; It Ain't My Cup o' Tea
Date:
Thursday, March 16, 2006 6:21 PM

I sent th below message to a guy who goes by th moniker of th Jazz Poet.

***************
Dear Mssr. Jazz Poet. A gurl I know sent me some lines from Rilke, which left me shaking my head in bewilderment, since most of my poetry reading comes from a person who goes by the pseudonym of, “th Shithouse Poet.” (Perhaps you're familiar with his work)

So I thought to myself,

"Hmmm, perhaps I'd better find out something about this Rilke personage so that I might reply in a semi-literate manner."

I didn't wanna come off like a hayseed, ya dig! And in the process of searching for some info on Rilke, I came across your site. And while I have your attention, I just wanted to point out, that while you included Walt Whitman's name in “favorite poets,” you left out his brother Slim under “favorite artists.”

See, the reason why I mention this is because I am a former treasurer in a now defunct Slim Whitman Fan Club and Flying Bobsled Team. This was a state of the art delta-winged sled and my job was to collect dues and figure out our glide path and bring that baby and the crew down all in one piece. Our plan was to launch off the 90 meter ramp in Steamboat Springs, CO. Not exactly a stroll in the park on a breezy sunny afternoon if ya' know whut I mean.

Well, enough about me!! I'm sure it was just an oversight on your part, rather than a willful omission. You were prolly distracted by a particularly difficult piece of translation at the time. I was intrigued by your scope of knowledge of th genre, and hoped you might 'share' with me your attitude towards the said Rilke..

By the way, I see that you live in New Orleans and was wondering if you had ever been to the Mardi Gras? Did you see a parade there? Were there multi-colored balloons and beads? Was it fun? How's bout boobs? Did'ja see any? if I were to visit N.O. would your wife be upset if I stayed for two or three weeks? I prefer Budweiser and I don't like to get up before noon; would that be a problem?

Oh yeah, I myself am a fallen Scorpio, if that makes any difference.

sincerely yours,

the captain

P.S. Evidently th Jazz Poet had better things to do as he never did reply.


Subject: Zen-like Food for Thought
Date:
Thursday, March 16, 2006 4:43 PM

Do not walk in front of me, for I will not follow.

Do not walk behind me, for I will not lead.

Do not walk beside me either.

Jus pretty much leave me th Fuck alone, aw'right!!

th cap'm


Subject: #1 The Adventures of th Duckman
Date:
Thursday, March 16, 2006 3:43 PM

He saves Midtown Kansas City. March 11, 1999. The following is a true life story from the files of Capt. Hoohah, who relates his encounter with the Duckman. The names and places are Real. Altho this event happened seven years ago, we can all take comfort knowing th Duckman still soars the nite time skies.

********************
It was just last night. While the populace of Kansas City slumbered, unaware of the potential disaster about to engulf them, the DUCKMAN, fortunately, wasn't asleep! But was in fact, doing his thing, that is, Guardian and Saviour of the Peoples as he maintained his lonely vigil high above the city.

What happened was, quite frankly;

I FUCKED UP!

I'll cop out to it. It was all my fault. And the irony of this whole story is, it was only a couple of weeks ago, the Honorable Reverend Mayor, His Lord Excellency, the Emmanuel Cleaver, proclaimed FIRE AWARENESS WEEK. Perhaps you recall. And so, since then, inspired by the Mayors' plea, I have tried to maintain an awareness and respect for the hazards of Fire. But sheeit, that was a couple of weeks ago!! I mean, my attention span is not all that great, ya dig?! While we all know that Fire is our Friend, at the same time we have all prolly found out before that it can be a formidable Enemy too.

So, last night, rather, early this morning, around 3:15, in a sloshy kinda state of mind, "SNAFU", y'know whut I mean, I was in my lab/kitchen there on 49th and Brookside. I placed a donut, still in it's bag in the Radar Range (microwave to you young folks)

Well, I went about my business there in the lab, pouring myself a large tumbler of milk in anticipation, when, suddenly, I heard the familiar loud ZAPPING and POPPING and CRACKLING sounds which I have become so acquainted with. Perchance you recall my old unit had a hole burned in the side about four inches in diameter, forcing me to take refuge behind my refrigerator door during operations.

However, in this case I was somewhat surprised though, because I just bought this outfit a month or so ago. It looked and sounded like a Jacob's ladder going on in there.

Well, anyway, I noticed through the window that, amidst all the electricity arcing back and forth, the bag had caught on fire, so I quickly removed it and set it on the kitchen table and tried to blow the flames out.

MISTAKE #1. This was not a good idea since it only made the situation worse. Fanned the flames, dont'cha see! The whole bag was on fire now, and since I didn't want to burn my table top, I deftly picked up the whole flaming, smoking affair and tossed it on top of the stove, where it could harmlessly burn itself out.

MISTAKE #2! This was most definitely a bad decision! since some (make that more than some) grease from a previous project now erupted into a blaze. I was standing there staring at some pretty righteous flames shooting up to my ceiling, and y'know how peoples are always asking you in situations like this,

"What was going thru your mind at the time? What were you thinking?"

What I was thinkin was,

"Goddamn! that's the only fucking donut I have!!! Sheeit. Fuck! Now what am I gonna eat?"

While lamenting the loss of my precious donut, I decided it was time to take some more forceful action. Much to my credit and in spite of a natural inclination to do so, I resisted the impulse to throw water on the blaze, which is what I used to do in similar situations in the past. (you might want to jot this down somewhere for future reference, but it's not a good idea to try and put out grease fires with water. I'm not smoking ya on this either. Don't try this at home, just take my word for it! OK?!!)

So, I grabbed a towel and began beating the flames. This didn't help one bit. I wasn't making any progress at all, as a matter of fact, It actually seemed to make things worse. Curses! I was starting to get concerned and so, what I did was, well I mean, what I didn't do was! I didn't panic! No, in spite of the conflagration on my stove, I remained calm.

Realizing this situation was fast getting out of hand....I called, that's right, you guessed it! Who else but...the DUCKMAN!

to be continued.

th cap'm


Subject: Urban Myth My Cap't
Date:
Tuesday, March 14, 2006 5:57 PM

(I received this after a phone conversation with one of my contacts - th cap'm)

Dear Cap't,

The previous story about two hunters sinking their Navigator, shooting their dog and generally being stupid with dynamite...IS FANTASY!

It is an URBAN MYTH...ironically set in the woods.

Respectfully,

Roger D. Hande, RN, CPA, LLC
Chief researcher for the Urban Myth Institute of America
Culberston, NE


Subject: Hunters: Take heed.
Date:
Monday, March 13, 2006 3:25 PM

If true, these two guys would have to be two of th dumbest, or un-luckiest hunters of th year. My friend Gabby sent this along.

********************
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new Ford NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40-second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run.The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then....KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM !!!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

******************
OK, All you junior hunters out there: remember this, so like, th next time ya go huntin, if I were you, I'd leave th dynamite at home.

th cap'm


Subject: Self Explanatory
Date:
Friday, March 10, 2006 11:05 AM


Subject: Speaking of Photo Ops
Date:
Friday, March 10, 2006 12:12 AM

My friend, "the boogerman" sent this to me in response to the politician/baby hugging thing I wrote about. I think it pretty much captures the spirit of what I was talkin' about.

the cap'm



Subject: Photo Ops
Date:
Thursday, March 9, 2006 11:21 PM

Did'ja see th pic in th paper today where Geo. Bush is standin on a ladder in a short sleeved shirt with a hammer in his right hand and lookin over his shoulder and with his left arm extended appears to be holding a fixture in place. Th caption sez,

"President Bush helped James Adkins install a light fixture Wednesday at a home being rebuilt in Gautier, Mississippi."

Do they really think we all so stupid we don't know he jus climbed up there for that one shot? Do they really think we think he's actually helpin out there?

Of course he's not th only one to do crap like that. Geraldo does it. Remember how Geraldo had em do several takes of him helpin th ol lady after Katrina hit. Bill Clinton does it. Sheeit. They all do it, every last one of th phony hypocrite politicians. They all think we're such a bunch of Morons that if they wear a plaid shirt and sit on a bale of hay and talk to a farmer n his field, we can better relate to em as a “common man,” jus like us. God, but it's insulting. And ya know whut th absolute worst one of all is: th fuckin jerk kissin some body's baby!!

It's enuff ta make ya wish ya had stomach flu instead cuz i'd be easier on ya!!!

th cap'm


Subject: Joke about Health insurance (as if it isn't a big enuff joke already)
Date:
Thursday, March 9, 2006 1:51 PM

Once again, this from my buddy, Ed, Rather apropos in these days when health insurance is on so many minds.

But first, did'ja happen to see 60 Minutes this past week? Dig this! Hospitals regularly charge peoples WITHOUT health insurance, TWO, THREE, even FOUR times as much as they charge Insurance companies for th same procedures!! This oughta be Criminal! Well, it is, but it oughta be prosecuted. To charge poor peoples, who can't afford health insurance to begin with, as much as four times what th insurance companies pay for th same procedures leaves me sputtering with rage against our whole fucking system!!

Then, talk about double-speak, in an explanation of this totally outrageous disparity, a spokeswoman for th Hospitals Assn. said that they actually do charge everyone th same amount, it's just that every one doesn't have to pay th same amount. This left Dan Rather shakin his head in confusion. I thought he shoulda leaped over th desk and punched her fer takin him and all th rest of us to be so fuckin stupid. Other than sound incredulous, Dan rilly didn't press her. I wish Mike Wallace had been her interviewer. He wouldn't have let her get off with that so easy.

Oh yeah, while I'm rantin, did'ja read in yesterday's paper where gas suppliers have been overcharging Amerikan consumers FIVE BILLION dollars a month in over-inflated gas prices!! Yep! Gee, who woulda guessed that huh! Is that a Shocker! Can you believe that? And you were wonderin why gas is so high, eh?

It's amazin how we read these "revelations" every fuckin day; but does it change anything th slightest goddam bit?

Fuck No!!

But at least in a country where you have "freedom of th press" we know how bad they are screwing us over, cus our press tells us about it every day, whereas in other oppressed countries, they don't have a clue.

Is this th greatest country in th world or whut!! God bless Amerika!

Aw'right, enuff of that On to th joke I told ya about earlier.

*********************.

A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING.

OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT?"

THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY... BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, HE'LL BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND HIS TESTICLES COULD RUPTURE.

OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.

IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT.

AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"

THE DOCTOR REPLIED...

"SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."

Ha ha.

th cap'm


Subject: Jules Feiffer
Date:
Thursday, March 9, 2006 1:00 PM

My amigo, Mr. Ed, sent this to me. Do you remember Jules Feiffer? He used to do these one page spreads in Playboy. He would write these observations accompanied by his scratchy, scrawly kinda drawings.

****************

Subject: Is it possible you followed this path?
I found this clipping from something that I had saved, and thought, could this be Charlie?

It is by Jules Feiffer there are pictures of this person speaking but

I was taught as a boy "the truth shall make you free."
So I ventured out to seek the truth.
And I found it.
And did it make me free?
Hell, no!
Did it make me frightened, defensive and insecure?
You bet it did.
So now I know the truth about "the truth."
Avoid it at all costs.
Make up your own truth... and stick to it no matter how little sense it makes.
And sooner or later, you'll have converts.
Trust Me.

ed

**************

Whatever happened to Jules Feifffer? Is he still around? Was he at th Academy Awards? Who has he been seen with lately. Has he been popped fer drugs or anything? Is he feudin with any one at th moment?

Hmmmmmm. I have a strange craving to leave th crib and cop th latest issue of People mag. Mebbe th Globe and th Star. Yeah, and US would be cool too.

th cap'm


Subject: Denny Crane
Date:
Thursday, March 9, 2006 12:26 PM

Speaking of Denny Crane, there is a TV commercial running early in th mornings for a local law office and William Shatner is th spokesperson. I wonder what that costs? I wonder how many others of those he does for other law offices in other cities?

Sasha Cohen, Eddie Van Halen, th Academy Awards, William Shatner? This is a disturbing trend where I find myself concerned with th appearance and activities of our rich and famous. This is what happens when illness prevents one from taking their rightful place on their stools at nite. Well actually I have spent mo plenty time on th stool recently, but of course I was referrin to my bar stool, cuz it's much more comfortable and I don't have to sit there with a large tub propped on my knees. This kind of change upsets th Order of things, causing th mind to drift off into areas I don't usually contemplate.
If you don't wanna find yerself drifting down this path to mental boredom and it's subsequent effects, lemme give ya a bit of advice; th next time some one offers you a bit of “food poisoning,” jus say,

"Well, um.... thanks, but ...um, I think I'll jus have a piece of pie instead."

And secondly, continue to consume yer normal quantities of booze and stuff.

You'll stay more focused that way.

th cap'm


Subject: Th Cap't does some Celebrity Gossiping
Date:
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 10:15 PM

I saw an article in today's paper where Sasha Cohen (isn't she just darling) did some kinda gig as a special correspondent for Inside Edition at Sunday's Academy Awards.

I've got a feeling similar to th one I've had th last couple of days due to my stomach flu or food poisoning or whatever th hell it is, that I'm (you, we) gonna be seein and hearin a helluva lot more than I really want to from or about her. It's this same queasy feeling I get, like, th one I get every time I see Paris Hilton. Y'know, th diarrhea, th vomiting, that sorta thing.

Oh, and speakin of celebs (isn't that Sasha Cohen just th most precious thing) did'ja see th pic of Eddie Van Halen in th paper today? Whew!! Man, Some peoples are REALLY gettin old. He made th mug shot of Nick Nolte look good. He looks like th poster boy for Meth Heads Inc. They could cast him in a remake of Night of th Living Dead and wouldn't have ta waste any cosmetics on im. Th boy looks Baaaad!

If ya were ever a fan of Eddie Van Halen and ya wanna write im a fan letter, I suggest ya do it soon.

Like, real soon!!

th cap'm


Subject: The Feathered Fowl Crusader
Date:
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 9:38 PM

A young mother prepares her darling little four-year-old angel for bed. As they finish their prayers together on the floor, the little pixie remembers someone she forgot,

"Oh yes, and watch over the captain as he fixes his meals."

And then with a giggle, while mommy gives her a playful pat on her rump, she scampers and snuggles her way to the end of the bed. Mommy gives her a little tickle while she tucks the sheet under her chin and lovingly brushes aside her golden curls.

Mommy gazes lovingly into her eyes, and says very softly.

"I love you, Precious."

Her young daughter looks at her with the wide eyed Innocence and smile only a four year old could possess, and says in a tiny voice,

"I know mommy. I wuv you too."

While they spend this quiet priceless moment together, a soft summer breeze wafts through the window, carrying with it in the far off distance a plaintive, and yet re-assuring cry,

"Quaaack quack, qua quaaack!"

Mommy says, "Listen sweetie, it's the Duckman."

"I know, mommy" she whispers.

Again, just barely audible now,

"Quuuuuuaaaack. qua, quuuuuuaaaaack!"

Mommy says,

"The Duckman is flying high above the city, right now, on his lonely vigil, watching over us and protecting us from rude and churlish wait/persons and incompetent proofreaders and cell phone abusers, and so on and so forth."

As her little daughters eyelids slowly close, she whispers, with just the tinest wisp of exasperation,
"I KNOW that mommy!! But what about the cliche users?"

And even before Mommy's lips brush her rosy little cheek, she is sound asleep. And the young mother spends a couple of moments, cherishing this special time, thinking about how grand life is, and says her own silent prayer, in gratitude for those like the Duckman, who watch over and
protect us all.

COMING SOON!! THE ADVENTURES OF THE DUCKMAN

th cap'm


Subject: Purveyors of th Cliche (among many others)
Date:
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 7:39 PM

Both Jason Whitlock and Hearne Christopher used this completely worn out phrase in referring to Danni Boatwright in the last week.

Andy Warhol first coined this phrase when he said many years ago,

"In the Future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

I only mention this just in case you have been off-planet, or perhaps have lived in South Dakota these past thirty years and were wondering where this expression came from.

It is impossible to go for a week without hearing or reading this absurdly overused cliche. Of all cliches, I think this one bothers me most. I wish fuckin Andy Warhol had kept his thoughts on th Future to himself! I may be some what extreme in my thinking here, cuz I think peoples who say this or allude to it in any way, should be tried and upon conviction be jabbed in th eye with a sharp stick until they express Genuine Remorse and promise to never do it again!

Let's all try and find some better way to express ourselves and make this a better planet.

Jus tryin to save us from ourselves!

th cap'm


Subject: Cast-iron Stomach turns to Mush
Date:
Tuesday, March 7, 2006 1:10 PM

All my life I have considered my stomach to be above th average stomach. I'm not talkin here bout my washer-board abs (thas kinda a joke, Ha Ha) No, whut I'm talkin about is th ability to put stuff in there that would make yer average stomach churn and rebel. Over th years when I've had guests to my crib, many of them were aghast at th conditions of my foodstuffs. They would say somthin like,

"Yur rilly not gonna eat that are ya?!"

And I would reply, somthin like,

"Yur fuckin A I'm gonna eat that. Why in th hell wouldn't I?"

But, last nite I discovered a chink in my armor. Like, I wuz out to Harrah's and ordered me up a 16 oz pork chop. I told th little cutie I wanted it "Medium Rare". She nicely suggested it bein pork and all, that it might be better off to do it "Medium" She said thas th way everyone ordered it. I said,

"Yeah, but I want mine, "medium rare". Can ya do it that way?"

And she reluctantly agreed. I asked her if it would be all right, and she said yeah.

LIAR! LIAR! PANTS ON FIRE!

Cuz, after doin my usual allotment of brews, I stopped by th crib this morning to make a little pit stop before headin on down to Ott's, and I thought my stomach, y'know, that one I told ya about earlier, wuz gonna come right up outta my throat. It sure felt like it anyway!! This wuz th first time I'd thrown up in thirty years! And of course I had diarrhea simultaneously. I have made more than a dozen staggerin, stumblin trips since then, tryin desperately to beat th eruptions. Right now, I jus wanna die!

So, my advice to you is; if yur waitress suggests you do your pork chops "medium", do yurself a favor, take her word on it. You'll feel a whole helluva lot better for having done so. I guarantee it!!

th cap'm


Subject: South Dakota Bans Almost All Abortions
Date:
Monday, March 6, 2006 9:38 PM

Congratulations South Dakota! I didn't think it was possible, but with your recent actions you have managed to supplant Kansas as th most backward state in th Union! I know, this was no easy task. You had formidable competition, and yet you prevailed. Who would've thought you could gather so many fuckin Morons in one place?

As you all gather round your campfires in your caves tonight, sing songs of praise to th gods.

th cap'm

P.S. And hey, if ya need some help with that “Fire Thing” there are manuals (don't panic; you don't have to know how to read) with pictures giving step by step instructions in not only how to make FIRE, but helpful suggestions on how to use it too!!


Subject: Eureka! Lawrence City Council Discovers "Common Sense"
Date:
Friday, March 3, 2006 3:33 PM

In a highly unusual move fer a Kansas entity, th Lawrence City Council used Reason and Rationale and Common Sense, three traits notably lacking in th Kansas Mindset, and passed a resolution making th first time possession of small amounts of marijuana an offense to be processed in Municipal Court, instead of District Court where they had formerly been handled. Th huge distinction being that a conviction in District Court meant that a student would no longer be able to obtain federal loans for their schoolin, thus fer many of them, efectively ending their higher education.

In contrast, a first time conviction now handled in municipal court carries a two hundred dollar fine but doesn't affect their ability to continue receiving federal aid. I wrote about this last month but for some reason never got around to sending it. So, below my thoughts last month on this.

************************

Date: Mon, Jan 16, 2006, 5:22pm

There wuz a story in Saturday's paper about kids goin ta KU who were unable ta get federal financial aid cuz of a prior conviction of possessing of a small amount of marijuana.

One student there who was opposed ta any kind of leniency in treating first offenders of small quantity possession with a trip to municipal court (instead of district court where conviction meant loss of aid) said,

"Breaking the law is breaking the law no matter how silly the law may be."

Ha ha. Spoken like a true punk ass product of th Kansas Mindset. It reminds me of th rationale of,

"My country-Right or Wrong."

This blind obedience to whutever th government sez, regardless of th justification, or rather lack of, to back it up jus confounds me. I say, "Pshaw." Or...in other words, "BULLSHIT!!" Sheeit. If yer gonna break a law, at least break a blatantly stupid one. Like, runnin a stop sign out on a desert hiway where there are no other cars visible fer ten miles. I mean, jus how much guilt could ya muster over that?

Whut in th world happens ta peoples minds when they grow up and are raised in Kansas? With all their Intelligent Design Bullshit and their attempts to remove books from high schools like, Catcher in the Rye and on and on.

A perfect example among so many others is th asshole who snitched out his kid over th little bit of weed his son had delivered to his house. I hope a couple of years from now when th kid can't get any government loans to go to KU th ol man will wish he'd kept his fuckin mouth shut.

But.... in this case, considerin th ol man's self-righteous, sanctimonious attitude, this prick will no doubt be tellin his son,

"Tuff luck kid, but it's yer own damned fault fer breakin th law. Instead of goin ta college, mebbe ya can take up shinin shoes. Now mebbe ya see th lesson I wuz tryin ta teach ya."

And bein this happened in Kansas th good folks there will hail daddy as a, "Hero" and a man of uncommon courage and he will be th keynote speaker at many an Amerikan Legion hall fer years ta come. Meanwhile his wayward son will have a stand in th Greyhound station where he can hone his skills snappin that rag.

Of course Kansas is also responsible fer givin us John Ashcroft. Remember when John spent 8,000 bucks so as to cover th statue of Lady Justice because one of her boobs was exposed. Ha ha. And now today...we have th honorable Sam Brownback!! And th beat goes on!

But man, I'm tellin ya, I jus can't comprehend those Kansas drummers!!

th cap'm


Subject: Westport Flea Market Saved From the Boobs
Date:
Friday, March 3, 2006 2:06 PM

I read in today's paper where HOOTERS will NOT be going into th th Flea Market spot after all. I had thought this wuz a done deal, but obviously not. Th property wuz bought by th guy who owns Jo Jo's Italian Eatery and Joe's Burgers on Main St. He plans on keepin th Flea Market operatin jus th way it wuz without any changes.

This news wuz greeted with cheers of delight from former patrons. No doubt followed by moans of disappointment from others, dependin on yer point of view.

Personally, I'm glad to see it stay myself. While I've certainly got nothin against Hooter's; I wuzn't real happy bout them usin that location tho. Let em do it in some other spot thas not been a Westport fixture fer th last 40 years.

Sheeit, I used ta go in there back in th mid-‘60s when it wuz called, "the Place" and wuz a very hip joint at th time, and th back section wuz, like, a separate bar called, "Big Tom's". (as in Tom Pendergast, until th Pendergast family got an injunction against them usin that name. Th walls were replete with murals of machine-gun totin hoodlums leaning outta cars doin drive-bys and other gangster related trivia, along with pictures of Pendergast himself)

So, if ya'll been hankerin fer one of those famous burgers again in that unique atmosphere. yer in luck! (good burgers, but highly over rated in my opinion tho)

th cap'm


Subject: BREAKING NEWS
Date:
Thursday, March 2, 2006 4:20 PM

Ha ha This is pretty good. My friend "th SallyGurl" sent this to me.

********************

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

ATTA BOY, GEORGIE

*********************
But th thing about it is, sheeit. it could very well be true!! Cuz that dude is capable of any damn thing!

th cap'm


Subject: Bush Warned In Advance Of Impending Katrina Disaster
Date:
Thursday, March 2, 2006 1:16 PM

And then look whut happened.

IS THERE NO END TO TH MADNESS?

It jus keeps going on and on...and on....AND ON. This, after all is th man many Amerikans voted for because they felt he was best able to protect us in th War on Terror! And yet, when disaster is moving in our direction, with time to prepare...disaster still happens on a scale unimaginable. An entire city wiped out. Scores of thousands left to fend for themselves. But, whut th hell, since most of em were black anyway; no need to fret too much about that, eh!

What next?

If th government wuz so unable to handle a situation you could see wuz comin, jus imagine th absolute CHAOS and ANARCHY that would result from a terrorist attack on th same scale with no warning whutsoever!! When ya rilly think about it; it boggles th mind doesn't it!!

And th tragedy of it all is we must somehow endure and survive 2 1/2 more years of this Criminal Ineptitude. Can we? Is this country strong enuff? Could any country weather an 8–year long storm like this?

I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, this President has been nothing short of a CATASTROPHE for our country. I believe History will note these 8 years as th most damaging in th history of our country!!!

Without a doubt.

th cap'm


Subject: Good News, Gang
Date:
Thursday, March 2, 2006 12:17 PM

During his trip to Afghanistan, on Wednesday President Bush asserted that Bin Laden and Mohammad Omar would be found. He said,

"It's not a matter of "if" they're captured or brought to justice but "When" they're brought to justice."

WHEW! Man, that wuz reassuring, eh. Oh yeah, I know; it's been 4 1/2 years now, but hey, altho peoples sometimes say, "it's a small world, ain't it!", but, as a matter of fact it's a pretty big world. There's a lotta places a person could hide. Think off all th beds in th world he could be hidin under... and th closets.

And I'll tell ya somethin else; if President Bush sez we'll find em, thas good enuff fer me BY GOD!!! And fer those folks who criticize him for not finding him sooner, if ya think it's so fuckin easy, why don't YOU go find him yerself, huh? nyah, nyah, nyah.

th cap'm


Subject: UNBELIEVABLE!!!
Date:
Wednesday, March 1, 2006 4:38 PM

I read in today's paper where President. Bush's approval rating has dropped to 33%. This is astounding to me! How can this possibly be? How in th hell could one out of three peoples possibly approve of his performance? Are they brain dead? Do they not have eyes, ears, and noses?

Th list of his administration's fuck-ups is jus too long to list here. I could easily recount them, one by one, one after another, until I wuz frothing at th mouth in rage! And yet, there's still this large block of peoples who stand behind him. Listen to Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Savage, et al and listen to th peoples who call in there. They would canonize this fucker if they could. Whut in th fuck would it take for this 33% to finally push them over th edge before they finally said,

"OK, thas it. I voted for him th first time. I voted for him th second time; but I've had enuff. I can't take it any more!"

But, ya'know whut; that ain't gonna happen! Cuz when ya finally get down to this hardcore 25-35% of supporters; if Georgie and Dickie went to th next protest rally and personally mowed down a dozen "interrupters" these same peoples would be cheerin em on! Cuz fer these peoples there is Nothing he could do that would change their minds. It's th,

"MY PRESIDENT---RIGHT OR WRONG!" mentality.

Th absolute stubborn refusal to see or acknowledge what is right in front of them! It makes me wanna PUKE!!

As ya know, I wuz NEVER a Dick Nixon fan!!! At th low point in his Presidency his approval rating was only 27 %, jus 6% lower than Bush.....BUT.... I SWEAR....I would rather have Dick Nixon in office than Geo. Bush. And yeah, I am aware that he's dead!!

But still......

th cap'm


Subject: Facts on Farts
Date:
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 11:41 AM

Some peoples may turn up their nose at th very idea of inquiring into this subject matter. I can only say, tsk, tsk. Remember th Cap'ms motto boyz and gurlz,

"Seeking a better world thru better understanding."

Thas right! Thas how we make this a better place by trying to figure out how things around us work. Thru our attempts to “Understand” comes “Wisdom.”

However, for those who would rather not delve into those aspects of our nature that make you uncomfortable, and if you should be one of these narrow interest minded peoples, let me gently suggest that you put on your rose-tinted glasses, stick your ear plugs firmly in your ears, duct tape your mouth shut. stick your head in th sand and stick your ass in th air..... so we can properly deal with you. Ha ha.

But, no, seriously folks, for those of you with an adventurous spirit and a keen interest in how the world about you functions; read on, cuz if you've ever had a question about farts before, but were afraid to ask, and yea, who amongst us hasn't at some time or another, eh, this is excellent reference material. Basically there's just about everything here you need to know to properly understand this fascinating phenomena.

After perusing this material, If in th future, a gurl, or any other type person, should ever claim in your presence that she/he doesn't fart, you can retort with a loud, "OH PSHAW!" with utter confidence. And if you inform her/him that you are familiar with Brenna Lorenz's extensive work in this field, she/he, knowing the jig is up, will prolly try and change the subject. Whether you choose to let her/him off the hook is entirely up to you.

th cap'm

Click on below, so that th next time this subject comes up at a dinner party, or family gathering, or whatever social event is transpiring, you will be able to more than hold your own, and will more than likely leave th other guests shaking their heads, with their mouths wide open, in admiration of your broad and extensive knowledge of all aspects of this perfectly natural event. I'm sure as word spreads you will find yourself at th center of attention, as others seek you out, hoping to ask you those questions that have been lying fallow in their minds for years.

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html


Subject: Sometimes Th New Day Brings Unpleasant Surprises
Date:
Sunday, February 26, 2006 6:01 PM

I woke up as usual around noonish today and picked up a book off my end table I'm reading and after a while I decided ta brew up a bit of some delicious hot tea. I had planned on usin my new tea brewin system, but as I went inta th kitchen I wuz unpleasantly surprised to find that my system wuz scattered all over th floor....in many small pieces!!

Godammit! Shit! And Ten Thousand More Curses!! I jus bought that sombitch three days ago.

Aw'right boyz and gurlz, I gotta Consumer Tip fer ya from th Cap'm.

Fer those of ya who happen ta be th occasional drunken stumble bum, this is especially pertinent fer you. As a matter of fact it is to you specifically I address this, cuz other folks got more sense!

OK, here it is, Do Not Ever Purchase an expensive GLASS Tea Brewing System. No, YA DON'T WANNA DO THAT. I would suggest rather that ya purchase one made out of a hardier, more durable material, like mebbe, case hardened steel, fr'instance.

Evidently, early in th morn when I came back ta th crib, fer some foolish and drunken reason I guess decided ta have a cup of hot vanilla/almond tea. And don't ask me whut in th fuck I wuz doin tryin ta brew up some hot tea at 3:30 in th morning after an evening of drunkenness and substance abuse, cuz I don't got a clue, ya know whut ahm sayin. I got nothin! All I can say is that I sometimes act irrationally around that section of time.

As ya know I jus purchased this damned thing three days ago, and I can't even tell ya why I bought it in th first place, cuz I'm not a hot tea drinker by trade. Th fact of th matter is, I acted impulsively. Hard ta believe? Well yeah, fer sure! I can't explain it, but I did.

This of course runs counter ta my well known penchant fer carefully analyzing and thinkin situations thru before makin any hasty and irrational moves, but in this case, my rational train of thought was derailed flinging my thoughts around like so many ziz-zagged rail road cars, totally fuckin up th linear process. As a result of that mental derailment I wound up with a GLASS tea pot strewn all over my kitchen floor.

I'm wonderin if there might be some relief fer me in th legal system tho, cuz I looked on th box, and nowhere there is there a cautionary note about operating it after imbibing alcoholic beverages. Doesn't that omission strike you as negligent on their part? Or, mebbe I can jus sweep up th pieces and take em back and dump em on th counter at Prydes and tell em th thing wuz defective! But ya know whut, I'm sure they'd jus try and weasel their way out of it and claim it wuz my fault, cuz ya know, thas th way a lotta peoples are; they always try and blame their shit on someone else!! Ain't it jus so!

th cap'm

P.S. A few minutes after learnin of th debacle in th kitchen, I went ta wash my hands and I had Julia's name written in ink on my left palm. Who's Julia ya ask? Sheet, ese. I wuz hopin you could tell me, cuz, like, I don't gotta clue!


Subject: CORRECTION. MEA CULPA
Date:
Saturday, February 25, 2006 12:42 PM

My man Ernie H. wrote me back to correct a small error in my post about him. It seems he went to NORTHEAST rather than South East as I mentioned. A small geographical error as he noted. No big Deal. And besides, as others have observed bout us pre-boomers in our older age,

ARE WE NOT SOMETIMES JUS PLAIN FOOKIN STUPID!!! I guess so.

th cap'm

P.S. Fer th scores of former Southeast peoples spread all across this great land (God bless Amerika and God bless You )who were marking their calendars fer April 28th and eagerly makin travel plans fer their re-union, buyin their bus tickets and gettin out their hitchiking gear with their printed signs sayin "Southeast or Bust"...... um....sorry bout that!

But remember,

"To err is Human...blah, blah, blah"

and after all, ARE WE NOT HUMAN, GODAMMIT? Whut? Whad'ja expect? Ya want Perfection? Lotsa Luck on that one!! I'm suspectin yer prolly more than a few Re-Incarnations away from that yer own bad-self. So, while yer waitin, how bout practicin a little Humility, eh? And fer those who accuse me of bein thin skinned, unwilling ta accept a bit of criticism, lemme jus say this ....FUCK YOU!! Aw'right!


Subject: Input on th missing keys caper
Date:
Saturday, February 25, 2006 7:10 AM

My buddy Ernie H, a good ol South East boy, wrote me th following regarding th Case of th Missing Keys.

****************

You know it reminds me of the Rainmakers' song, “Drinkin' On The Job.”

"The generation who was gonna change the world Is still searching for their car keys..."

******************

Ha ha That would be Us. Pretty apropos, eh! I cn certainly relate!! He wrote further.

*******************

"Speaking of which, April 29 we will be doing the benefit concert at NE HS. I know it is in the wee, wee hours for the Cap't, 5pm-9pm, but it would be downright rude not to invite the man who sold most of us our papers, bongs and other childhood toys..."

********************

Oh shucks Ernie, you are too kind! Should any of ya'll hail from that Era (‘60s) and area, keep this info in mind.

th cap'm


Subject: The Case of the Missing Keys
Date:
Saturday, February 25, 2006 6:04 AM

OK, today someone needs ta get in touch with Sherlock Holmes, or Guy Noir, or mebbe a psychic or somethin. If thas not possible, then they oughta contact St.Anthony. Thas whut I'd do, cus that same someone right now is askin themselves th question,

"Sheeit. WHERE IN TH FUCK-ALL ARE MY KEYS?"

Cus, like, here's th deal. See, I went ta th bank earlier today ta cash a check, then I went ta another bank ta cash another check, and then I went ta still another bank ta cash yet another check and finally I went ta th post office ta mail a package, sendin a Tea Brewin System on down ta St.Louie, and as I wuz leavin th post office, when I went ta get my keys outta my coat, I came up with two....TWO sets of keys. ??????? I wuz confused! I wuz perplexed. Th confusin and perplexin thing here wuz that only one of th sets of keys wuz mine. Where did th other set come from and who did they belong to? Sheeit dude, I dunno!

I mean, like, I don't have any more idea how they got in my pocket than you do? And you don't know how they got there do ya! Rilly! It's, like, a Mystery, y'know whut I mean?! Thas why I thought it might be right down Guy Noir's alley, cuz thas whut he does; he solves mysteries!

OK, never mind that fer th time being cuz at this point, ya might wanna go out and check yer garage and also yer driveway, cuz, like, if ya drive a white 2001 Dodge Caravan, I jus might have yer fookin keys. And I know whut kind of vehicle it wuz cus it said so on a little tag attached ta th key ring.. And if they are yers, don't blame me godamit, cuz YER th one left em lying around someplace! If ya can't keep track of yer fuckin keys, it ain't my fault, aw'right!!. All I did wuz, I jus happened ta pick em up some place, mebbe at one of those banks. So, if they're yers and ya want em back they're at th post office at 51st and Main where I left em. If they ask ya ta prove they're yers, jus tell em, "th cap't sent me".

Thas th password. But don't tell anyone else that, cuz then any palooka could pick em up and go around town and look fer white Dodge Caravans and see if they worked.

th cap'm

P.S. This is highly unusual isn't it, boyz and gurlz? I mean, like, normally, I'M th one losing keys, instead of th entity findin em. Man! I can't help but wonder..... if this signifies some kinda Shift in th Cosmic Balance? (play some Twilight Zone music here)

th cap'm


Subject: Life after retirement --- Bob's Story...
Date:
Saturday, February 25, 2006 12:42 AM

My buddy Gabby sent this to me. I found it extremely amusing in an oink-ink kinda way. I think we can all sympathise with Bob's plight here if we just look at his problem with an open mind. It's a shame rilly that his wife wuzn't so open-minded. Personally I think Debbie set a bad example and is no kind of role model for yung gurlz, but it's not for me to judge.

Read on
***********************
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. And I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

*******************************
An observation from th cap't regarding Debbie's action.
OK, gurlz, jus remember this, "Violence is never a Solution". And although Debbie skated here, she is going to have to live with th Consequences of her actions for th rest of her life there on th beach at St. Thomas and her beach-boy boy-toy may not be as loving as th late Bob. OK?! Think about it!

th cap'm

 

              
              
                 

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