February 27, 2006
Dreck, The Captain, is not a "wise old fucker,"
he is a "sexually experienced, well-read senior citizen."
Sometimes Th New Day Brings Unpleasant Surprises
Date: Sunday, February 26, 2006 6:01 PM
I woke up as usual around noonish today and picked up a book off
my end table I'm reading and after a while I decided ta brew up a
bit of some delicious hot tea. I had planned on usin my new tea brewin
system, but as I went inta th kitchen I wuz unpleasantly surprised
to find that my system wuz scattered all over th floor....in many
Godammit! Shit! And Ten Thousand More Curses!! I jus bought that
sombitch three days ago.
Aw'right boyz and gurlz, I gotta Consumer Tip fer ya from th Cap'm.
Fer those of ya who happen ta be th occasional drunken stumble bum,
this is especially pertinent fer you. As a matter of fact it is to
you specifically I address this, cuz other folks got more sense!
OK, here it is, Do Not Ever Purchase an expensive GLASS Tea Brewing
System. No, YA DON'T WANNA DO THAT. I would suggest rather that ya
purchase one made out of a hardier, more durable material, like mebbe,
case hardened steel, fr'instance.
Evidently, early in th morn when I came back ta th crib, fer some
foolish and drunken reason I guess decided ta have a cup of hot vanilla/almond
tea. And don't ask me whut in th fuck I wuz doin tryin ta brew up
some hot tea at 3:30 in th morning after an evening of drunkenness
and substance abuse, cuz I don't got a clue, ya know whut ahm sayin.
I got nothin! All I can say is that I sometimes act irrationally around
that section of time.
As ya know I jus purchased this damned thing three days ago, and
I can't even tell ya why I bought it in th first place, cuz I'm not
a hot tea drinker by trade. Th fact of th matter is, I acted impulsively.
Hard ta believe? Well yeah, fer sure! I can't explain it, but I did.
This of course runs counter ta my well known penchant fer carefully
analyzing and thinkin situations thru before makin any hasty and irrational
moves, but in this case, my rational train of thought was derailed
flinging my thoughts around like so many ziz-zagged rail road cars,
totally fuckin up th linear process. As a result of that mental derailment
I wound up with a GLASS tea pot strewn all over my kitchen floor.
I'm wonderin if there might be some relief fer me in th legal system
tho, cuz I looked on th box, and nowhere there is there a cautionary
note about operating it after imbibing alcoholic beverages. Doesn't
that omission strike you as negligent on their part? Or, mebbe I can
jus sweep up th pieces and take em back and dump em on th counter
at Prydes and tell em th thing wuz defective! But ya know whut, I'm
sure they'd jus try and weasel their way out of it and claim it wuz
my fault, cuz ya know, thas th way a lotta peoples are; they always
try and blame their shit on someone else!! Ain't it jus so!
P.S. A few minutes after learnin of th debacle in th kitchen, I went ta wash my hands and I had Julia's name written in ink on my left palm. Who's Julia ya ask? Sheet, ese. I wuz hopin you could tell me, cuz, like, I don't gotta clue!
CORRECTION. MEA CULPA
Date: Saturday, February 25, 2006 12:42 PM
My man Ernie H. wrote me back to correct a small error in my post
about him. It seems he went to NORTHEAST rather than South East as
I mentioned. A small geographical error as he noted. No big Deal.
And besides, as others have observed bout us pre-boomers in our older
ARE WE NOT SOMETIMES JUS PLAIN FOOKIN STUPID!!! I guess so.
P.S. Fer th scores of former Southeast peoples spread all across
this great land (God bless Amerika and God bless You )who were marking
their calendars fer April 28th and eagerly makin travel plans fer
their re-union, buyin their bus tickets and gettin out their hitchiking
gear with their printed signs sayin "Southeast or Bust"......
um....sorry bout that!
"To err is Human...blah, blah, blah"
and after all, ARE WE NOT HUMAN, GODAMMIT? Whut? Whad'ja expect? Ya want Perfection? Lotsa Luck on that one!! I'm suspectin yer prolly more than a few Re-Incarnations away from that yer own bad-self. So, while yer waitin, how bout practicin a little Humility, eh? And fer those who accuse me of bein thin skinned, unwilling ta accept a bit of criticism, lemme jus say this ....FUCK YOU!! Aw'right!
Input on th missing keys caper
Date: Saturday, February 25, 2006 7:10 AM
My buddy Ernie H, a good ol South East boy, wrote me th following
regarding th Case of th Missing Keys.
You know it reminds me of the Rainmakers' song, Drinkin' On
Ha ha That would be Us. Pretty apropos, eh! I cn certainly relate!!
He wrote further.
"Speaking of which, April 29 we will be doing the benefit concert
at NE HS. I know it is in the wee, wee hours for the Cap't, 5pm-9pm,
but it would be downright rude not to invite the man who sold most
of us our papers, bongs and other childhood toys..."
Oh shucks Ernie, you are too kind! Should any of ya'll hail from
that Era (60s) and area, keep this info in mind.
The Case of the Missing Keys
Date: Saturday, February 25, 2006 6:04 AM
OK, today someone needs ta get in touch with Sherlock Holmes, or
Guy Noir, or mebbe a psychic or somethin. If thas not possible, then
they oughta contact St.Anthony. Thas whut I'd do, cus that same someone
right now is askin themselves th question,
"Sheeit. WHERE IN TH FUCK-ALL ARE MY KEYS?"
Cus, like, here's th deal. See, I went ta th bank earlier today ta
cash a check, then I went ta another bank ta cash another check, and
then I went ta still another bank ta cash yet another check and finally
I went ta th post office ta mail a package, sendin a Tea Brewin System
on down ta St.Louie, and as I wuz leavin th post office, when I went
ta get my keys outta my coat, I came up with two....TWO sets of keys.
??????? I wuz confused! I wuz perplexed. Th confusin and perplexin
thing here wuz that only one of th sets of keys wuz mine. Where did
th other set come from and who did they belong to? Sheeit dude, I
I mean, like, I don't have any more idea how they got in my pocket
than you do? And you don't know how they got there do ya! Rilly! It's,
like, a Mystery, y'know whut I mean?! Thas why I thought it might
be right down Guy Noir's alley, cuz thas whut he does; he solves mysteries!
OK, never mind that fer th time being cuz at this point, ya might
wanna go out and check yer garage and also yer driveway, cuz, like,
if ya drive a white 2001 Dodge Caravan, I jus might have yer fookin
keys. And I know whut kind of vehicle it wuz cus it said so on a little
tag attached ta th key ring.. And if they are yers, don't blame me
godamit, cuz YER th one left em lying around someplace! If ya can't
keep track of yer fuckin keys, it ain't my fault, aw'right!!. All
I did wuz, I jus happened ta pick em up some place, mebbe at one of
those banks. So, if they're yers and ya want em back they're at th
post office at 51st and Main where I left em. If they ask ya ta prove
they're yers, jus tell em, "th cap't sent me".
Thas th password. But don't tell anyone else that, cuz then any palooka
could pick em up and go around town and look fer white Dodge Caravans
and see if they worked.
P.S. This is highly unusual isn't it, boyz and gurlz? I mean, like,
normally, I'M th one losing keys, instead of th entity findin em.
Man! I can't help but wonder..... if this signifies some kinda Shift
in th Cosmic Balance? (play some Twilight Zone music here)
Life after retirement --- Bob's Story...
Date: Saturday, February 25, 2006 12:42 AM
My buddy Gabby sent this to me. I found it extremely amusing in an
oink-ink kinda way. I think we can all sympathise with Bob's plight
here if we just look at his problem with an open mind. It's a shame
rilly that his wife wuzn't so open-minded. Personally I think Debbie
set a bad example and is no kind of role model for yung gurlz, but
it's not for me to judge.
Date: Friday, February 24, 2006 11:33 PM
A buddy sent this to me. Too often we don't stop and think about
whut we're sayin and how our old ways can offend. I think we can all
learn something here.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
It's only right ya'll. And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: PAY ATTENTION
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She
is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THEINFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY". She gets
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGU E HOOTERS" - She is
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
OK, OK..NOW YOU LADIES NEED TO LISTEN UP HERE.
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case
of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
OK, boyz and gurlz, so let's apply these rules to our daily lives
andlet's all go out there and be better Amerikans.
Mebbe th Brits are on ta somthin with their Quaint Customs.
Date: Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:30 PM
My son's birthday is comin up soon. Usually I jus throw some bucks
his way, cuz I know from personal experience that oft times some cash
is appreciated a helluva more than another pair of socks, ya know
whut I mean.
But I decided ta do a bit of both th gift/cash thing this year. He
told me recently he's been doin some green tea of a morning. ?????
Yeah, thas whut I thought too.
Well, anyway, I thought there might be somthin there in th way of
a gift. So I trucked on down ta Prydes in Westport ta check out their
tea equipment. They have a helluva lotta tea related stuff there.
I finally wound up buyin a whistlin tea kettle and this tea brewin
When I got home tho I started havin some second thoughts about th
whole thing. Like, I started thinking,
I looked at whut I had bought. I considered th tea kettle from a
time-motion cost/ratio efficiency viewpoint; a piece of th operation
whose sole raison d'etre is naught more than ta boil water! I mean,
surely there are various other containers that can accomplish that
same mission, eh, fer less than 60 bucks, even tho they may not whistle
while doin so..
I thought about this deeply; like, whut kinda price as Amerikans
are we willin ta pay fer that little extra option? After all there
are peoples all over th world whose tea pots don't whistle and don't
got no fuckin bells on em either, yet they still boil water!! So I
"Fuck it, nah, not me! I ain't playin that game."
and so I returned it to th POP! "(point of purchase" fer
you folks not in th marketing biz) And while I wuz waitin fer em to
give me my jack back, wiley, sneaky bastards that they are, they gave
me a cup of some hot almond/vanilla tea. Oooh man, it was pretty fuckin
good, ese. And altho I'm not a tea drinker by design, I wuz pretty
Th end result wuz that I would up buyin fer my own self a brewin
device similar ta th one I bought fer my son. And also a tin of that
vanilla/almond product ta put in it.
So instead of walkin outta th joint with my 55 dollar refund, I had
ta reach in my pocket fer another15 bucks! So, like, th thing is,
I'm light here about seventy smackers from whut I wuz supposed ta
Right now, I'm still tryin ta figure out whut happened? But while
I'm thinkin bout it, I'm kickin back here with a nice hot brew of
vanilla almond tea. Mmmm. It almost makes it worthwhile.
P.S. By th way, I saw a nice Start-up Meth Kit on E-bay fer th amateur home producer, if yer th kinda person who likes ta brew things up.
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 11:30 AM
(From Carol S. sometimes known as Texas Sue.)
"How bout putting Clinton in charge of the Ethics Committee?"
Yeah, thas cool, or we could put him in charge of th cigar concession.
And, speaking of ME
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 11:14 AM
Last nite I wuz rappin with my erstwhile buddy Dan at th saloon,
quaffin our brews, discussin th world situation, and so on, and I
hinted ta him about a Radical Change I wuz contemplatin concernin
my Life and My Place in th Scheme of Things. Y'know, like, th Big
At first, I wuz reluctant to get into any detail, but he kept prodding,
and so eventually, I decided I might use him to bounce my idea off
of. Y'know, ta see how an objective person might react, cuz this wuz
one of those decisions where th movie trailer would say.
"It would change his Life FOREVER! And NOTHING would ever be
the same again!!!"
So, finally, I jus blurted it out. I said,
"OK, OK, I'm thinkin bout changin th spelling of my name from
charl-EY to charl-IE! See whut I mean? I have always spelled it Charley'
since I wuz a kid, but now I'm thinkin of goin with 'Charlie' instead.
Whadda'ya think? You can see how this is a Huge decision, can't ya?"
And Dan snorted derisively and said,
"Charley, no one in th world gives a shit!!"
And, It wuz like a bolt of lightening hit me.
I wuz thunderstruck. Th Revelation. I said,
"Whut! Ya mean, no one cares?!"
and he said,
"Trust me! No one cares.You can spell it upside down and no
one will ever notice!!"
This had never occurred ta me before. I wuz forced ta take off my
rose-colored glasses and look at th world in it's natural color; Monkey-Shit
Sheeit! I looked at Dan and said,
"Now I know whut they were talkin bout cuz this changes everything.
Nothin will ever be th same again."
and Dan said,
"Will ya stop talkin in that fuckin movie/trailerese!"
Damn. I had always thought that I, ME, MYSELF wuz th Center of Everything.
I thought it all revolved around me. I thought th Roses, th Sun, th
Moon, th Heavens, y'know, like, all of it, wuz put here fer my own
So, I sat there, sullenly brooding over this newfound revelation,
wonderin how I wuz gonna adapt to it all. Dan told me he coped by
putting a sign on his front door that read,
"IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME!"
so he wuz reminded of that every time he stepped out into th world.
I thought that wuz a bit harsh. C'mon! I mean, y'know, like, I don't
know if I'm ready yet ta go cold turkey. So when I'n thru here, I'm
gonna make my own sign reflectin my new world/view that sez,
"SOME of it's not about ME."
We'll see how that works out.
th cap'm (aka charley/charlie)
P.S. But, ya'know whut, I jus noticed th sunlight comin thru th window doesn't look quite th same as it did yesterday. Thanks Dan, THANKS A LOT!!
MORE Suggestions For Making This A Better World
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 9:54 AM
My buddy Gabby thought these might help too.
"Put George in charge of Intelligence and Dick in charge of
Once again, sounds like two excellent ideas to me! I still think
tho that putting me in charge of drug confiscations would make th
greatest impact. I mean, uh, y'know, jus from my perspective anyway.
And after all, isn't that whut it's all about? ME! ME!! ME!!!
Some things to think about
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 9:40 AM
My ex-wife sent this to me. It's rilly pretty cool. I think it might
be more interesting th older you are simply cuz there's more you can
personally relate to. It helps put things in perspective. Check out
th top 40, th movies, and th TV at th bottom also.
Just type in th day, month and year you were born in th window.
Excellent Ideas For Making This A Better World
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 9:26 AM
These suggestions came from my good friend Ms. Dorothy C.
"Hey Cap't, if we're going to put the UAE in charge of the ports
then we ought to put the Mexicans in charge of the border and put
You in charge of drug confiscations."
I concur wholeheartedly with that!! And based on this, I think we
should put Ms Dorothy in charge of Suggestions!!
President's Day, Hip, Hip, Hooray!
Date: Monday, February 20, 2006 4:59 PM
I think it appropriate today that we reflect on th accomplishments of some of our greater presidents; men like Chester A. Arthur, James K. Polk, Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan, Warren Harding, Calvin Cooledge, Herbert Hoover, William McKinley and George Walker Bush. Great men all.Yes indeedy.
Cindy Sheehan's Arrest
Date: Sunday, February 19, 2006 10:57 PM
As told by Cindy Sheehan (with snide commentary by th Cap't)
As ya'll may know, while I am in sympathy with th anti-war movement,
I hold no sympathy or respect for Cindy Sheehan herself. Having heard
her speak before I have my doubts that Cindy even wrote this piece
by herself. I suspect she had a little help from her friends. I'm
suspecting her string-pullers got together with her and they wrote
this out for her. Below their efforts. My impressions in CAPS.
What Really Happened
As most of you have probably heard, I was arrested before the State
of the Union address last night.
(I CAN BELIEVE SHE WROTE THIS PART)
I am speechless with fury at what happened and with grief over what
we have lost in our country.
(WELL NOT QUITE SPEECHLESS)
(THAT DAMNED LEFT WING MEDIA. THEY DISTORT EVERYTHING DON'CHA KNOW!)
("I didn't feel comfortable going." OH GIMME A BREAK WOULD'YA?
THIS IS TH SAME PERSON WHO CAMPED OUT AT BUSH'S RANCH FOR A FUCKIN
MONTH? WHAT? SHE DIDN'T WANNA IMPOSE ON ANYBODY OR SOMETHIN?)
I knew George Bush would say things that would hurt me and anger
me, and I knew that I couldn't disrupt the address because Lynn had
given me the ticket, and I didn't want to be disruptive out of respect
for her. I, in fact, had given the ticket to John Bruhns, who is in
Iraq Veterans Against the War. However, Lynn's office had already
called the media, and everyone knew I was going to be there,
(GOSH DARN THAT LYNN FOR CALLING TH MEDIA. HECK I'M SURE CINDY WAS
HOPING SHE COULD JUS SNEAK IN THERE WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING)
so I so I sucked it up and went.
(WHEW! CINDY SHEEHAN, TH MARTYR! ONCE AGAIN, HOW ABOUT THAT BREAK
I WAS TALKIN ABOUT?)
I got the ticket back from John, and I met one of Congresswoman Barbara
Lee's staffers in the Longworth Congressional Office building and
we went to the Capitol via the underground tunnel.
(I THINK MOST OF TH PEOPLES IN TH GALLERY GO THAT WAY, DON'T THEY?
THRU THE UNDERGROUND TUNNEL?)
I went through security once, then had to use the rest room and went
through security again.
(ISN'T IT SWELL TO BE RECOGNISED?)
At which point the officer who arrested me said, "Take these
steps slowly." I said, "You didn't care about being careful
when you were dragging me up the other steps."
(WELL OF COURSE NOT CINDY, HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A CELEBRITY THEN)
He said, "That's because you were protesting." Wow, I got
hauled out of the People's House because I was "Protesting."
(OMG, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DO THAT AT A STATE OF THE
I was never asked to take it off or zip my jacket back up. If I had
been asked to do any of those things ... I would have, and written
about the suppression of my freedom of speech later.
(BUT GOSH, I JUST NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD CAUSE ANY KIND OF STIR)
I was immediately and roughly (I have the bruises and muscle spasms
to prove it)
(ONCE AGAIN, CINDY PUTS HER ASS ON TH LINE FER TH CAUSE. AND SHE'S
GOT TH BRUISES TO PROVE IT)
hauled off and arrested for "unlawful conduct."
I told him that my son died there. That's when the enormity of my
loss hit me. I have lost my son. I have lost my First Amendment rights.
I have lost the country that I love. Where did America go? I started
crying in pain.
(THIS IS WHERE I WANNA GO 'BOO HOO HOO' TOO!
(OH, I THOUGHT SHE JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE IT ON THAT DAY)
The press knew I was going to be there,
(WELL YEAH, THAT DAMNED LYNN AMBUSHED YOU)
and I thought every once in awhile they would show me, and I would
have the shirt on.
(OH SHE THOUGHT "every once in a while they would show me"
GEE, WELL OF COURSE YOU WOULD THINK THAT CINDY)
I did not wear it to be disruptive,
(PERISH TH THOUGHT)
or I would have unzipped my jacket during George's speech.
(I'M CONFUSED ON TH TIME LINE. I THOUGHT SHE HAD REMOVED TH JACKET
HAVING GOTTEN WARM FROM CLIMBING TH STAIRS TO HER SEAT? SHE SAID,
"I had just sat downand I was warm from climbing.....")
If I had any idea what happens to people who wear shirts that make
the neocons uncomfortable, that I would be arrested ... maybe I would
have, but I didn't.
(OH CINDY IS JUST A LITTLE NAIVE GURL. WHO WOULD HAVE DREAMED SUCH
A THING MIGHT HAPPEN HERE IN AMERIKKA WHERE KIDS ARE SENT HOME FROM
SCHOOL FOR SPEAKING SPANISH?)
(ONCE AGAIN THAT DAMNED MEDIA)
(SOMETIMES YA GOTTA DO WHUT YA GOTTA DO, EH. BUT YA KNOW WHUT? I
SUSPECT THIS WAS TH PLAN ALL ALONG; TA GET HER ASS ARRESTED FER SOMETHING
OR OTHER. ANY DAMNED THING, LITTERING, SPITTING ON TH FLOOR, JUS ANY
It is time to take our freedoms and our country back.
("AND IT'S OK BY ME IF YA MENTION MY NAME IN TH PROCESS, THAS
S-H-E-E-H-A-N. AND HEY YA'LL MEBBE WE COULD TAKE BACK TH NEIGHBORHOOD
TOO WHILE WE'RE AT IT)
(I WOULD SUSPECT THAT IF A PERSON 'has paid the ultimate price' THEY
WOULD BE WEARIN A SHROUD, AND NOT TALKIN, WRITIN OR TELEPHONIN ANYBODY
YA KNOW WHUT AHM SAYIN, BUT WHUT DO I KNOW?)
That's why I am going to take my freedoms and liberties back. That's
why I am not going to let BushCo take anything else away from me ...
(THANKS CINDY FOR HAVING TH EGO TO STAND UP FOR ME)
(HMMMM. NICE SLOGAN THAT)
There is so much good in so many people.
(WELL SHIT YEAH, WE'RE AMERIKKANS FER CHRISSAKE! AND ANOTHER NIFTY
SLOGAN. THAS TWO GOOD SLOGANS BACK TO BACK. I THINK SHE SHOULD STRETCHED
Four hours and 2 jails after I was arrested, I was let out. Again,
I am so upset and sore it is hard to think straight.
(I THINK I SEE WHUT YOU MEAN ABOUT THINKING STRAIGHT)
(OK GANG, HERE WE GO. THANK GOD FOR CINDY SHEEHAN. HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!
FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW...BLAH,
BLAH, FUCKING BLAH, BLAH, BLAH)
YA KNOW, AFTER SOME MORE REFLECTION, MAYBE SHE DID WRITE THIS AFTER
ALL! I THINK BOYZ AND GURLS THAT CINDY HAS CAUGHT A WHIFF OF TH CELEBRITY
VIRUS. I SUSPECT THAT IF GEO. BUSH ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS PULLING ALL
AMERIKAN FORCES OUTTA IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING
PLACE IN TH WORLD BY NEXT FRIDAY, CINDY WOULD FIND ANOTHER "CAUSE"
CUS THAS JUS TH KINDA PERSON SHE IS!!
THANK GOD FOR CINDY SHEEHAN!!
A Message from Cindy Sheehan
Date: Sunday, February 19, 2006 4:56 PM
A few weeks ago my friend Kara sent me this message by Cindy Sheehan
concerning her arrest at th White House during Bush's State of the
Union Address. I don't know whether Kara sent this to me in a spirit
of Enlightenment, hoping I might see a brighter side of Cindy, cuz
she knows I don't have any truck with CS, or that she jus sent it
as a point of interest, much like I might tell ya bout my chili victories.
Kara, you see is an Anti-War Activist and so I know she certainly
agrees with Cindy's anti-war message. As do I, th message that is.
But Kara is more than an anti-war activist tho, she is an Activist.
Period. There are many other issues Kara gets involved with, albeit
this is prolly most important to her right now.
When some peoples hear th word activist it conjures up
a negative image much th way th term "Liberal" did some
years ago when it was th Political Kiss of Death to be labelled a
Liberal. Ya might jus as well have said ya hated babies cuz they all
smelled like shit! Even peoples like Ted Kennedy said,
"I ain't no Steeenking Liberal!"
But thas bullshit. See, activists are peoples who actually stand
up and be counted fer th things they believe in. Activists don't hang
around on th sidelines like most of us, cryin and whinin and bitchin
and writin E-mails about th Official's calls. (scuse me, had ta slip
a sports metaphor in there) No, they get down in th trenches and do
th dirty work thas necessary to get th job done. It's th shit most
of us don't wanna mess with. We got too many other important things
ta be doin, like makin sure we're properly accessorized and color
co-ordinated and watchin Amerikan Idol. Y'know, important stuff like
Activists have this naive notion that they have a Constitutional Right ta disagree publicly with official government policy, whutever that might happen ta be. (where in th hell did they ever get that crazy idea?)
And they do have that right. To a point. That point being when others
can actually hear them. Thas when they start attractin attention from
Then th term "activist" now starts to be synonymous with
terms like, "traitorous" or "subversive" or "un-patriotic".
Some one ta be watched and monitored. Thas when th "My Country-
Right or Wrong" mentality stomps in. "Love it or Leave it"
If yer against torturin a few rag-heads then move ta Afghanistan ya
One begins ta wonder jus how dangerous peoples like Kara become to
th Security of th Peoples of th United States of Amerika, th Greatest
Country in th History of th World. Like, should peoples in Ames, Iowa
be concerned about her? Do they fret and toss and turn at nite, wonderin
whut her next move gonna be?
One wonders if her FBI file is consistent with her NSA file? Or her
Homeland Security file? Do they all use th same photos, th same phone
conversations? Who gets first crack at her mail? Is there any consensus
amongst them concerning her threat level? Like, is she Red
or Orange or whut? Whut are th chances she's hidin WMD's
in her purse? I wonder if she has tried to score any Uranium fromNiger
lately? Are there photos of her shoppin in th Uraniums R Us stores?
And then of course there's her husband, th Poet. (Shudder) We all
know th words Poet and Subversive go together like Milk and Cookies.
Th evidence mounts. I have even heard their offspring's first words
were "Carpe Diem" and that if you give him a little ticklish
cuddle under th chin he responds with th Peace sign; obviously a potential
troublemaker. Various Agencies might be wise to follow his toy preferences;
ta see whether he likes GI Joe or not? Does he like ta play "War"
or whut? In short; is he a Patriot?
OK boyz and gurlz, dammit, Time, who as we all know waits for no
Man, nor WoMan, is not waitin fer me either. It has moved on leavin
me here with my stated goal, th Cindy Sheehan Letter still waitin
ta be dispatched. At a later date, eh.
P.S. An important matter has arisen which needs my immediate attention.
When I'm able ta acquire some more Time in my account, Ill send Cindy's
Days of Yore
Date: Saturday, February 18, 2006 11:49 PM
My buddy Gabby sent this to me recently. We are within a year or
so of th same age.
Yesterday's attitude that I had forgotten.
i was in junior high school (remember when it was "jr. high"
instead of "middle school"?) in calif. in the mid 50's.
school dress code dictated that you must wear a belt to school, in
spite of the fad of cutting off th belt loops of your levis, so we
simply wore a real narrow black, purple or pink belt (remember those?)
around your waist. didn't do much in the way of holding up your pants,
but it did satisfy the belt requirement. lol did they do that here
also at that time wearing your Levis (you wouldn't even think about
wearing any other brand) real low was a sign of rebelliousness. At
catholic schools you couldn't even wear Levis.
i wonder if th hip-hop crews today even knows that us young white
punks were doing that stuff 50 years ago?! altho i gotta admit they
have taken th "real low" waay down to th next lower level.
haha. th guys who wore th khaki pants with th small belt in th back
and who wore their hair in a 'princeton' cut (where th part was shaved
in th head) of course didn't do that. just th 'hoody' guys, y'know,
th JD crowd with th DA's. the flat top with 'fenders' was a kinda
compromise cus you could still do a DA with em.
when i was in th 9th grade in ;55 in san bernardino, having a smoke
in th lobby of th john during intermission at th movie was de riguer
if you were cool! it was also a good place to do your networking,
altho we didn't know that was what we were doing at th time. shit,
we just thought we were hangin out.
A Bright Shining Light
Date: Saturday, February 18, 2006 5:10 PM
Y'know I have watched several of these CSI shows before and I've always wondered why all those investigators use those little flashlights? I wuz always sittin there thinkin,
"Dude! y'need a bigger flashlight! Sheeit man, yer gonna miss
some important clues there with that little toy."
I kept expectin a case to go unsolved fer a while and fer th head
honcho ta tell his peoples,
"What th fuck? No wonder ya missed that clue! Fer chrissake,
go out and get yerselves some competent flashlights! Sheeit, we wasted
a whole episode here and couldn't find th killer cuz of yer godammed
But, it seems that th CSI departments in Vegas, Miami, and New Yawk
were all havin ta work under th same constraints. I mean, don't they
have any monies in their budgets fer flashlights? I jus kept on wonderin,
It wuz, like, one of those things that jus makes ya wanna scream
out. Y'know, like in a wrasslin match where th ref is over talkin
ta one guy while his buddy is beatin th shit out of th other guy with
a chair while th ref's got his back turned, y'know whut I mean? Yer
sittin there screamin,
"Hey ref, turn around ya dumb fuck!!! They're cheatin!"
Well, that flashlight question wuz finally put ta rest this past
Thursday nite. My buddy Dan just happened ta come inta th saloon while
I wuz ponderin this dilemma. Without even realizin that he wuz about
ta answer my question he pulled out this midget flashlight jus like
th ones they use on th TeeVee. It wuz, like, mebbe four inches long
and th thickness of a fat cigar and he said,
"Check this out!"
and shined it on th floor.
"WOW! DOUBLE WOW!!!"wuz whut I exclaimed.
Man, this little fucker put out a beam!! I'm not jivin ya. It wuz
brighter than you could believe. It wuz jus like a miniature spotlight.
I wuz flabbergasted and amazed and astounded all at th same time.
He handed it to me and I pointed it at a wall twenty feet away and
it made a perfect sharply defined circle of light about mebbe 16 inches
As I fooled around with it fer a bit he cautioned me not ta look
inta it. He said ya didn't wanna do that. He said it had a warning
in th instructions not ta shine it in some one's eyes. Naturally I
considered his warning as akin ta a sign that sez, "Don't touch.
Wet Paint" and so I held it up ta my eye and he said,
"Don't do that Cap't."
and so of course, I hit th on switch fer jus th briefest second and,
there wuz an explosion of blinding white light that went off in my
mind and I let out a,
"Godam Mutherfucker!!!" of surprise.
Whooo, sheeit, it wuz bright. Man, I saw a greenish after-image circle
in my head fer th next couple of minutes. It wuz jus like years ago
when, sometimes, fer grins we used ta hold a strobe light up ta our
eyes that went off intermittently and wait fer that blinding flash
OK, boyz and gurlz, this is a rilly keen flashlight. But, before
ya rush out ta get one of yer very own, let me warn ya, there are
two drawbacks ta ownin one of these dudes.
First: it cost THIRTY-EIGHT bucks! Now, I don't know bout you, but
ta my way of thinkin; that seems pretty strong fer a fuckin flashlight.
Second: Th two batteries that power this dude are only good fer an
hour of use! And they cost TWENTY BUCKS APIECE.
Now, whut confuses me here is; since I figure both of these bateries
are gonna crap out about th same time; why not jus buy another flashlight
fer only thirty-eight bucks instead of replacin yer two batteries
fer forty dollars? But, whut do I know?
Are You "hot"?
Date: Tuesday, February 14, 2006 4:33 PM
I jus took an online personality test called, "Are you hot?"
and discovered in terms of degrees of 'hotness',I am th equivalent
of th polar ice cap. Needless ta say, thas not th result I wuz lookin
Our boy Dick
Date: Tuesday, February 14, 2006 1:34 PM
Say, if ya ever happen ta go huntin with our VP, a word of caution;
don't be jokin and kiddiin him, like,
"Yo Dick, whutever happened ta all those WMDs? har, har."
P.S. I'm tellin ya, if Bush and his crew weren't so dangerous, they'd be downright amusin!!
Th Deal Goes Down
Date: Tuesday, February 14, 2006 1:26 PM
Yesterday, I met my cookie connection at Valentine Video. I scored
a dozen choc-chips. They were in a big baggie. I checked em out..no
crumbs..had a righteous aroma..good color. Normally I like to sample
th goods before I put out th cash, but since I tried one last Friday
I figured it was cool. I slid a dime across th counter and shoved
th baggie under my coat.
When I got outside, on my way ta my ride, I saw a buddy of mine and
"Yo cap't, whut'cha got under yer coat?"
and I replied,
"Oh. jus some cookies."
and he laughed and said,
"Yeah, OK., some cookies? Yeah right. Well enjoy yer cookies."
and he chortled again.
And thas jus whut I did. I opened that baggie and took out one of
those dudes and did it on th way home. I did it straight up...no milk...or
anything. But, oooh, it was tasty. yum yum yum.
All I cn say is,
"My cookies are better than yer cookies!"
My mailbox runneth over
Date: Sunday, February 12, 2006 10:23 PM
Y'know, several days ago I noticed my mailbox wuz overflowin. I couldn't
help but see it cuz it's right there on th front door. When I open
th door th mail box is starin me right in th face, so it's hard ta
miss. There was stuff stickin out all over th place. And then today,
it was even worse. I'm not sure how th postman even squeezed in th
last batch yesterday.
I keep lookin at all that stuff every time I come in th crib, and
I'm gettin kinda curious as to whut might be in there? I seldom get
mail of a personal nature, so it mus jus be a bunch of bills and ads,
y'know, crap like that. But sheeit, I dunno! Mebbe I won some kinda
sweepstakes and I don't even know it.
This is gettin pretty ridiculous, y'know whut I mean? I'm wonderin,
like, whas up with my mailman dude anyway? It's obvious my box is
full, and yet... and yet, he jus keeps crammin it in there? Wouldn't
ya think th dude could jus empty th box, knock on my door, and jus
hand me th stuff? I mean, how much fuckin trouble could that be? Gimme
a break, huh! But, y'know whut? I bet th dude jus prolly say,
"Sorry bout that cap't, but I jus don't have th time."
But ya know whut? That won't cut it. No siree. I'm jus gonna have'ta
tell im I guess,
"Hey dude! Remember me? Make th time cuz I'm th guy who pays
yer salary!! OK. So's, how bout a little service here? Whudda'ya say!!"
Y'know, I'm a patient kinda guy so I'm gonna give im one more chance
and if he doesn't give me my mail tomorrow, I'm gonna have'ta drop
a dime on his ass. Thas not my style, but y'know, a guy can only be
pushed so far, y'know whut I mean!
Remembrance of things past
Date: Friday, February 10, 2006 4:54 PM
My long time friend "Vegas Judy" who I also went ta H.S.
with in Deutschland sent these to me. I had ta pass em along fer all
th geezers out there.
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate their current status.
Once again, th capt is Right On!
Date: Friday, February 10, 2006 4:33 PM
Jus last nite I wuz rappin with my buddy, Bruce the R, bitchin about
this phrase and talkin bout how one can't even go fer a fuckin week
without hearin or readin it. Well, all I gotta say ta Bruce today
"I told ya so!"
cuz take note, jus th very next day, today that is, in Hearne Christopher's column, he is talkin about the competition between th Starlight and th Theatre League over who will get th "Spamalot" production, he sez,
and I quote,
"The jury is still out on that one."
Ha ha .See whut I mean?
I rest my case! (ooops, sorry bout that. Those damned cliches!)
Peoples ask me alla time, say,
"Cap'm, how do ya do it? Like, with th prescience thing. I mean,
dude, yer Awesome!! Yer like Nostradamus!"
And rather than give away ancient secrets passed down ta me thru
th ages from ancient sages, I usually jus deflect questions like that
while I shrug my shoulders in an aw shucks kinda way.
P.S. Also, somewhere else there in that same column, councilman Jim
Glover, talkin about th Hooters proposal in Westport, makes a statement
"stepping up to the plate"
Y'know, were it not fer all th sports cliches some peoples would have a hard time in a conversation. The home run conversational ball would be impossible fer em ta hit cuz they would be too busy shootin themselves in th foot!!!
Th Cookie Man
Date: Thursday, February 9, 2006 3:28 PM
Cookies, they're whut's happenin!
OK ya'll, yesterday I wuz down to yer Valentine Video on Westport
Rd. Itold ya about recently. See, on Wednesdays, all videos except
new releases are only a buck. Thas cool, huh.
Anyways, they had several trays of complimentary cookies there on
th counter. So, jus fer th fuck of it; I tried one of th chocolate-chip
ones. Now, I'm not rilly a big cookie fan myself, I seldom eat em,
but sheeit ese, these were FABULOUS! Like, RIGHTEOUS fucking cookies!!
I don't know if I've ever eaten a better chocolate-chip cookie before!
I mean, it wuz STELLAR!
I asked th dude behind th counter where they got em and he introduced
me to a guy who wuz standin there who baked em hisself. You've heard
of "home-baked" before? Well, these were as home-baked as
they get cuz, like, he told me he bakes em at home, thus.....real,
actual home baked cookies from a secret recipe* that has been handed
down fer generations dating back to Henry th Eighth. Th story goes
that Henry insisted on a plate of chocolate-chip cookies every day.
One day when th cookie delivery wuz delayed when th cookie cart had
a flat, he wuz so vexed he cried out in despair,
"Alas. Alas. A cookie! A cookie!! My kingdom fer a fuckin cookie.
OK, Ok, enuff background. So...these cookies go fer ten bucks fer
a dozen, which strikes me as kinda high, altho not bein a big purchaser
of cookies, I don't really know how that compares. But they are about
5-6 inches in diameter, and they're so rich and creamy and jus so
fuckin good, I don't mind. th lug.
So, next time ya wanna impress someone with a cookie, I suggest ya
lay one of these dudes on em!! They will mebbe prostrate themselves
before ya while touching their foreheads to th floor, and make hgh,
keening wailing sounds! On th other hand they may jus smother ya with
hugs and kisses. But, in any case, they're gonna have a higher opinion
of ya than they did before.
P.S. If you would like to have some of these cookies fer yer own
personal enjoyment you can contact this dude at 816-377-9839. He calls
hisself, "Th Cookie Man". He gots,
Of course I get no kickbacks of any kind on this caper. I don't know
this dude or have any kinda business dealins with him at all. I merely
do this outta a desire to help my fellow Humans. It's jus my meager
contribution ta makin this th Best Damn Planet we can! ya know whut
* possibly in my efforts ta hype th Product I embellished th cookie
origins a bit there. Fer all I know he got th recipe outta Reader's
Digest. But no matter. All that matters is that th cookies are Sublime.
Sometimes It's A Small World, ain't it?
Date: Thursday, February 9, 2006 12:33 PM
Last nite I was sittin there at th tavern. It was gettin late and
th band was thru and were breakin their equipment down and packin
up. Since it was considerably quieter I got to rappin with a dude
sittin next ta me. He was waitin fer a friend to pick him up. After
a bit more conversation we discovered that his friend was also a buddy
of mine, as a matter of a fact, one of th off duty bartenders who
I don't remember jus how th conversation went there, but at some
time I mentioned I had been in th 7th grade on Okinawa during th Korean
War, cus my dad was stationed there in th Air Force.
He then told me that his mom's dad had also been in th Air Force
and that she had graduated from an American high school in Wiesbaden,
Germany. I said,
"Wiesbaden!! Wow! No kidding! Cus thas where I graduated from!!
H.H. Arnold High. School in 1959."
And then...he said that was th same year his mom graduated too!!
And he told me her name and I remembered her!! (that wasn't so hard
to do tho cuz our graduating class only had about a hundred kids in
Isn't that somthin? What are th odds of talkin to some one you jus
met and discovering that you knew their mother from a high school
in Germany, no less, 47 years ago?
Well it doesn't happen every day.
Sometimes Life is a Bitch, ain't it!
Date: Friday, February 3, 2006 7:35 PM
Cursed Damned Dove!! There's this godammed dove who's been hanging
out in on my window air conditioner do his 'cooing' thing. Ya know
how irritatin and annoyin that gets after a short while! Where in
th hell did he come from anyway? Why did he pick my house to hang
out at? WHY ME? huh. WHY ME? Sheeit.
In th last few years it seems like these avian critters seem ta have
it in fer me. They shit all over my cars ta th point where my neighbors
refer ta my Cadillac as, "El Caddy de Caca". I don't unnerstan.
I have always been a friend of th Winged Community.
As a youth I used ta watch birds thru my binoculars. This wuz not
real common behavior fer a kid in th 50s. I wuz considered somewhut
weird and freaky as a result. Some peoples today might still consider
me weird and freaky but fer different reasons now.
While all th other dudes were playin baseball or football or some
crap like that after school, I wuz roamin thru th countryside in quest
of th elusive Ivory-Billed Woodpecker fr'instance,.
Like, in th fifth grade in Montgomery, Alabama, when my friends would
come callin, sayin, "Hey Cap'm, lets go ta th park and play some
I would politely decline sayin,
"FUCK OFF with yer stoopid games. I ain't got no time ta be
wasted playin no stopid-assed games. Can't ya see I'm on a Mission
here ya dumb fucks!!"
And they would say,
"Ooooh, th capt said a Baaad Word."
And with my binoculars strapped around my neck and my Roger Tory
Peterson Field Guide To Birds in hand, I would quietly creep
off thru th woods, stalkin my prey, pausin, listenin, my keen senses
ever alert. always ready to slowly bring th binoculars ta my eyes,
always taking care to not make sudden movements, ta blend in with
th scenery, and observe different birds, noting their habits, their
songs, th way they moved, recordin th date, time and location of any
previousy unsighted birds, all in my notebook, with th simple title
"Birds I've Seen. Compiled by Cap't Hoohah in my Formative Years".
and my friends would say,
"Hey Charley, who is this Cap't Hoohah character? Is he anything
like Captain Marvel? And whut does 'formative' mean?"
And adults would say ta my parents,
"Hey ya'll, that young'un of yers. He's kinda a Weird Duck,
And they would sheepishly agree and say stuff like.
"Yeah, he sez he's gonna be th Pope someday."
And these Alabama crackers would say,
"Yea, that Figgers!"
OK, th point is; I deserve better treatment than this. See, I wuzn't
knockin Robins outta trees with my Daisy Repeater like my amigos,
or pokin em with sticks after they fell. I wuz suggestin we shoot
tin cans instead. And whut is my reward?
"Coo Coo Coo" all fuckin day long in my twilight years,
"Gotta take a dump? Lets fly over th Capt's crib and drop our
loads on his cars! They're still wet from th car wash. Har Har"
And ya know whut's gonna happen with this fuckin coo-coo-coo-all-day-long
dove outside my window? His gurlfriend gonna be movin in soon and
they'll be havin a family and th whole lot of em will be out there,
makin their dove noises, and eventually I'm gonna be runnin outside
with my sawed-off, both barrels blastin, reloadin, blastin again and
again, and then PETA will be picketin my house and chantin slogans
distractin and annoyin me some more. And then I'm gonna be goin outside
confrontin em, and then th Po-lice be comin, haulin my ass off ta
th slammer and....... sheeit, and we all know it's gonna end badly.
Damnit! Jus when everything wuz goin good in my Life, I mean, like,
it wuz all turnin around, everything wus fallin inta place and I could
finally see some light at th end of th tunnel.....and then.....
THIS SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!!
And th World turns upside down and everything is completely awry,
and as they say in every movie trailer, with a heavy, ominous voice,
"It will change his Life forever and Nothing will ever be the
It's enuff ta drive a person ta drink! And thas jus whut I'm gonna
do right now. I'm gonna go drink Budweisers til I don't even know
whut a fuckin dove is!!!!
Why was Jack
Nicholson on my Shit List?
Date: Monday, January 30, 2006 5:57 PM
OK ya'll, I had a number of peoples ask me why I put Jack on my list
From: email@example.com (Charley) Date: Sat, Nov 27,
OK, I'm gonna' say it; I loathe Jack Nicholson as much as I do Mel
Gibson. So there! Like, both of 'em are Class A1 Assholes as far as
I'm concerned. These two jerks are neck in neck in th' Asshole Marathon,
It would be so close I think ya'd need a high speed camera to determine
th' winner, but I think Mel would prolly win by th' skin of his nose.
But hey, look here, it sure as hell wouldn't be cuz Jack don't try!
Like, watch a Lakers home game sometime. This fuckin jerk, Jack,
sits right down there on th' floor next to th' bench. He alla' time
jumps up in th' ref's face, nose ta' nose, screamin' and yellin' arms
flailin' about and argues with him about a call he didn't like.
I mean, who in th' fuck does he think he is anyway? Up and down.
Up and down. Where do ya' think they got th' name, "Jack-in-th-box"
from?. Yeah, thas' right! from that fuckin' bobbin' Jack Nicholson
clown. He wuz th' inspiration. I'm not jivin' ya'! Well, next time
ya' see one of those things, take a good look at it!! Jack Nicholson!
Whut prompted all this scorn wuz, like, last nite, I'm sittin' at
th' bar and th' game is on between the Kings and th' Lakers, and lemme'
jus' say right here, I'm not a basketball fan. I don't really give
a shit 'bout th' game. If they cancelled basketball permanently it
wouldn't bother me one bit, but th' game wuz on and every time I glanced
up at th' screen, they're showing Jack and his reaction ta' somthin'
that's jus' taken place and th' caption (sound is not on) reads somthin'
"Oh gee, Jack is livid bout that call!" or
"Gosh, Jack didn't like what he saw there! Oh, man is he furious!!"
and on and on like that, y'know?
And I'm thinkin',
"Well so whut! Who gives a shit whut Jack thinks? Who in th'
fuck is Jack Nicholson that I should care whut he thinks 'bout any
godam thing? Fuck Jack Nicholson!"
Am I outta' step once again? Am I goin' against th' flow once mo'?
I mean, like, is every one else cept' me goin',
"Gee, I wonder whut Jack thought about that play? Boy I sure
feel sorry fer that ref if he makes Jack mad, cuz Jack is a celebrity"
Huh????? Am I th only one who says, "Fuck that arrogant, pompous
I mean, is that why th' camera crews keep showin' Jack's reactions
ta' everything? Cuz peoples care whut Jack thinks? Well, not me ese!!
No, not me!! Sheeit. I piss on Jack Nicholson. If only Jack and Mel
happened to get together sometime, oh man, th' Ultimate Fantasy; I
piss on 'em BOTH!! Simultaneously!! And hey, I'm not a Golden Shower
kinda guy either, but I think that would be greatly entertaining!
Somethin' ta' think 'bout before I go ta' sleep tonight. haha. (a
little taste of humor ta' lighten things up a bit)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Charley) Date: Sat, Nov 27, 2004, 4:35pm
Subject: More Jack shit
I REMEMBERED WRITING ABOUT JACK BEFORE AND I FOUND THIS. I WROTE
THIS AS YOU CAN SEE BACK IN MAY 03. IF IT SOUNDS REDUNDANT,
WELL IT'S BECAUSE I'M PRETTY CONSISTENT IN MY FEELINGS ABOUT JACK.
AND JACK IS PRETTY CONSISTENT IN BEING AN ASSHOLE. AS YOU WILL NOTICE
THE SITUATIONS ARE VERY SIMILAR ASWELL AS ARE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT IT.
Last night in the bar i was watching the lakers vs spurs game. Since
there was no sound i was reading the captions. here was a highly agitated
jack nicholson jumping in the officials face. see, jack gets to sit
right down on the floor where the coaches and players sit. so, he's
jumping up and screaming in their faces about calls he didn't like.
He's calling players over to give them words of encouragement just
like he's their coach or something.
They finally threatened to evict him from the stadium. he retorted
that he spend a LOT, and he emphasised a LOT of good money for his
seat and if anyone tried to evict HIM, he would sue their asses off.
see, he's Jack Nicholson, famous actor/celebrity. he doesn't have
to conform to the rules for the 'small peoples', that is, peoples
like you and me. He's SPECIAL!!!
Had i been in charge of security there last night, i would have said,
"FUCK YOU JACK! TAKE A HIKE!!?" and then i would have hustled
his ass out and tossed him out the door onto the sidewalk, just like
one does a cantankerous and obnoxious drunk, and i would have said.
"Go make another movie with adam sandler, ya fuckin' asshole!"
I mean, imagine what a game would be like if any fan could jump in
the referee's face and bitch at him about a call he didn't like!!
but the official just stood there arguing with him and the camera
kept zooming in on jacks face so we could see his reaction to everything
that was happening. he got way more face time than did either one
of the coaches. and the announcers would say things during the rest
of the game like,
"Gee, i wonder what jack thought about that call?"
I mean, who gives a Shit what jack thinks? As far as i'm concerned
jack, you can kiss my ass!
Mon. Jan. 29th.
See, Jack Nicholson, being a famous actor/celebrity doesn't have
to pay any attention to th ordinary rules of conduct fer common folks.
He's famous! He's an actor. He's a celebrity. He's SPECIAL. Don't
mess with him.
I agree. I think he's a SPECIAL ARROGANT, OBNOXIOUS, EGO-MANIACAL,
MUTHERFUCKER and i would love to get in his fuckin old geezer face.
Date: Monday, January 30, 2006 4:16 PM
Besides th wrongful inclusion of Duane Allman and Todd Rungren (an
accident caused by faulty wiring) in my list of assholes I jus want
to make up fer two Glaring Omissions. I don't know how I could have
forgotten these two assholes (see faulty wiring) but both of these
guys are at th top.
and his arch rival
JAY (th Asshole) LENO.
Whut in th world wuz I thinkin when I left em both off!!! (see faulty
I don't like
these assholes at all!!
Date: Monday, January 30, 2006 1:42 AM
All of these peoples have a chapter in my, "Book of Famous Assholes."
*The Entire Leadership of the present Government Administration,
Obviously there are a lot more assholes than this out there.This
is not a definitive asshole list by any means. You may not agree with
some of my selections. So be it. But all of these folks are on my
P.S. All of th peoples marked with an asterisk are ones I find to be particularly odious.
Phony First Class
Date: Monday, January 30, 2006 1:01 AM
Th first time I heard about Cindy Sheehan I applauded her efforts
to embarrass Geo. Bush by tryin to intimidate him into an audience
with her. That wuz before I found out tho that she had already had
one meeting with him previously with some other mothers and widows.
So, why in th hell didn't she bring up her concerns with him at that
Also, let th records show that her son who was KIA was not some young
naive kid who had been lured into th Army, with visions of sugar plums
dancin in his head, unaware of what he was getting into. On th contrary,
he was a twenty-four year old Professional Soldier, a sergeant no
less, in his second tour of duty, well aware of th dangers involved,
who had joined th Army believing in whut he was doing and willing
to risk his life for it.
That wuz also before I had actually heard her speak about th loss
of her son. Then his mother shamelessly exploited his death for her
own self-promoting reasons. Once I heard her open her yap and start
spouting platitudes and speaking in "Political Sloganese",
I no longer bought into her Grieving Mother Act for one second. Cindy
became, with eyes wide open, some one's willing pawn. But she knew
exactly whut she wuz doin.
It seemed obvious to me that her Agenda was more about Cindy Sheehan,
Martyr Mom, than anything else. Now I'm not sayin that she didn't
grieve for her fallen son; what mother wouldn't! But he got lost some
where in all th posturing, and politicking and grandstanding. SHE
became th focus of attention, and th actual Message got lost in all
As an example, I read a short time ago where some of her supporters
had put up a small stone monument near Bush's ranch inscribed, "Sheehan's
Stand" and when I saw that I almost vomited in Disgust. "Sheehan's
Stand" Sheeit. Gimme A Fuckin Break, will'ya!
Mebbe ya don't remember a short time ago I predicted we'd be hearin
more from Cindy. And guess whut boyz and gurlz? Surprise! Surprise!
I read in today's paper that Cindy Sheehan, who is described as a
peace activist instead of a "Cindy Sheehan Activist",
is considerin runnin fer th Senate in California!!! Cn ya believe
Th sheer Absurdity of it boggles my mind. Now, ya might be wonderin
like me, jus whut in th fuck-all this phony-assed hypocrite's credentials
are ta run fer one of th highest offices in th land? They are, in
two words; Absolutely NADA, amigos.
But, and this is a big but, keep in mind that these peoples of California
are th same peoples who elected Arnold Schwartzeneggar to be their
governor fr'chrissake!! So don't count her out on grounds of Reason
or Rationale cuz obviously any Fucknut can get elected ta anything
Date: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:32 PM
Earlier today authorities issued a warning to residents of the south
Plaza area to be especially cautious in the next few days. Well-known
culinary terrorist Capt Hoohah was spotted at an area grocery store
and was reported to have purchased quantities of beans, ham, carrots
and celery and certain other ingredients, which authorities refused
to confirm, citing security reasons.
When asked whether it looks like the Cap't may be getting ready to
launch a full-scale Ham and Bean Operation, the source, who only spoke
on condition of anonymity would only say,
"Well, he's got all the ingredients necessary and we know from
past experience that he won't hesitate to use them. He's completely
ruthless and has shown utter disregard for the health and safety of
those about him. We are evacuating residents in his neighborhood and
we're hoping that if he goes through with his dastardly plans we may
be able to contain the damage to an area immediately surrounding his
house. With the information that is available to us right now, it
appears as though he IS going to assemble all of the necessary ingredients
All we can do now is pray. God bless you! And God bless Amerika!"
So... it doesn't look good, does it boyz and gurlz? For those of
you around th S. Plaza area, I strongly urge you to take cover immediately
should things go awry, cuz as we all know, when th Cap't gets in the
kitchen.......God help us all!!!
For all th
geezers out there, I propose a Toast.
Date: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:08 PM
My buddy Hideo sent this to me. It's basically fer geezers cuz lotsa
young peoples won't recognise many of these ladies, but geezer that
I am, I recall em all. Kindly raise your glasses in special tribute
to all th gurls we've loved before.
Brigette Bardot 71
How in th world did all these gurls get so old and we didn't?
Th Captain's Prediction on th Steeler's Win
Date: Monday, January 23, 2006 5:58 PM
I have been rather dismayed and disappointed to hear from several
peoples concerning my football predictions. These Misguided and Gullible
citizens were wholly taken in by th Disinformation Campaign waged
against me. And in spite of the fact that I vehemently denied the
allegations that I switched my choice later, they persisted in their
dangerously misguided beliefs.
Here at the Ministry of Truth we take our motto seriously,
"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"
and we also take seriously those who would Deny the Truth! In times
like these, when our Nation is at WAR, Un-patriotic Thoughts and Deeds
need to be dealt with in a Serious Manner. This is the reason why
the Thought Po-lice were formed in the first place; so as to weed
out those Undesirable and Negative elements in our Society, who continue
to promote Dangerous and Subversive Ideas, in spite of Official Policy
to the contrary.
This is why it is sometimes necessary for the Good of the rest of
the Law Abiding and God Fearing Citizens to bash in some thugs doors
and remove them to Re-Education Centers. There they can receive Treatment
for their aberrant behavior and maybe, someday be returned to Society
as Citizens once more. Provided of course they can get their heads
right. We have found Hard Labor is an excellent panacea for a troubled
"Tranquility Thru Bone-Crushing Labor"
Keep that in mind boyz and gurlz the next time you decide to exercise
your Constitutional Right to Free Speech. It would behoove you to
think of it more as your Right to Free Barely Audible Whispering.
Cuz, like, if we happen ta overhear ya, yer in a World of Hurt.
Now as I said previously, I will be announcing my Prediction for
the Super Bowl immediately after it's over and I'm sure you will see
that I was right once again. Won't you boyz and gurlz?? Of course
P.S. After you see that I was right once again it would be permissible, nay, even encouraged for you to Congratulate me on th uncanny accuracy of my predictions. Once again.
Date: Monday, January 23, 2006 4:29 AM
This just in from the Ministry of Truth:
"Th Cap't, Seer, Visionary. Once more, the Cap't nailed it again.
It's uncanny isn't it how he does it!! Citizens, you would think the
man would be wrong every now and then wouldn't you? But nooo. It's
Now it's possible you may have received a bogus e-mail last week
purportedly from the cap't like the one below. If so, you are ordered
by the State to disregard it and not think of it again. The Thought
Po-lice have their orders.
"OK ya'll, I jus wanted ta remind ya that several months ago
I predicted th Denver Broncos ta win all th marbles, to wit; th Super
Bowl! A lotta folks scoffed and jeered cuz I said that after week
three. They thought mebbe I wuz a bit premature.
Then, as th season went on, some folks asked me if I might wanna
reconsider my prediction, based on th Colt's winning game after game,
week after week. And while I didn't change my position, I wuzn't quite
as vocal about it. HOWEVER, in light of th Colts loss ta th Steelers
today, takin Them outta th picture, I'm gonna say it one more time.
Denver beats th Steelers ta WIN!!!
Take th cap'ms Word on it!
Somehow some subversive elements were able to take the cap'ts e-mail
and switched the words, "Pittsburgh" and "Steelers"
with, "Denver" and the "Broncos" makin it appear
that he had picked the Broncos to win. Nothing could be further from
the Truth citizens! Even now peoples in th Ministry of Justice (God
Bless Homeland Security!) are tracking these scurrilous cyber-curs
down. Make no mistake, they can run, but they can't hide. We will
run them to ground and they will be Rehabilitated!
However, because of th widespread confusion this forgery caused,
raising alert levels to red, th Cap'ts prediction of who will win
th Super Bowl won't be released until after th game! But, make no
mistake about it, absolutely no one here at the Ministry of Truth
doubts he will get it right once again!!
Remember Citizens: War is Peace!!
Winston Smith, Ministry of Truth, Oceania
APPROVED DOCUMENT BELOW
OK ya'll, I jus wanted ta remind ya that several months ago I predicted
th Pittsburgh Steelers ta win all th marbles, to wit; th Super Bowl!
A lotta folks scoffed and jeered cuz I said that after week three.They
thought mebbe I wuz a bit premature.
Then, as th season went on, some folks asked me if I might wanna
reconsider my prediction, based on th Colt's winning game after game,
week after week. And while I didn't change my position, I wuzn't quite
as vocal about it. HOWEVER, in light of th Colts loss ta th Steelers
today, takin Them outta th picture, I'm gonna say it one more time.
STEELERS BEAT TH BRONCOS TA WIN!!!
Take th cap'ms Word on it!
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