joe dreck
January 27, 2006

Joe Dreck, The Captain, dates only mature and sophisicated women,
the ones who drink and can hold a conversation at the same time.

Email Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: WARNING!! WARNING!!
Date:
Friday, January 27, 2006 1:32 PM

Earlier today authorities issued a warning to residents of the south Plaza area to be especially cautious in the next few days. Well-known culinary terrorist Capt Hoohah was spotted at an area grocery store and was reported to have purchased quantities of beans, ham, carrots and celery and certain other ingredients, which authorities refused to confirm, citing security reasons.

When asked whether it looks like the Cap't may be getting ready to launch a full-scale Ham and Bean Operation, the source, who only spoke on condition of anonymity would only say,

"Well, he's got all the ingredients necessary and we know from past experience that he won't hesitate to use them. He's completely ruthless and has shown utter disregard for the health and safety of those about him. We are evacuating residents in his neighborhood and we're hoping that if he goes through with his dastardly plans we may be able to contain the damage to an area immediately surrounding his house. With the information that is available to us right now, it appears as though he IS going to assemble all of the necessary ingredients All we can do now is pray. God bless you! And God bless Amerika!"

So... it doesn't look good, does it boyz and gurlz? For those of you around th S. Plaza area, I strongly urge you to take cover immediately should things go awry, cuz as we all know, when th Cap't gets in the kitchen.......God help us all!!!

charley


Subject: For all th geezers out there, I propose a Toast.
Date:
Friday, January 27, 2006 1:08 PM

My buddy Hideo sent this to me. It's basically fer geezers cuz lotsa young peoples won't recognise many of these ladies, but geezer that I am, I recall em all. Kindly raise your glasses in special tribute to all th gurls we've loved before.

Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
LenaHorne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
KimNovak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74

How in th world did all these gurls get so old and we didn't?

th cap'm


Subject: Th Captain's Prediction on th Steeler's Win
Date:
Monday, January 23, 2006 5:58 PM

I have been rather dismayed and disappointed to hear from several peoples concerning my football predictions. These Misguided and Gullible citizens were wholly taken in by th Disinformation Campaign waged against me. And in spite of the fact that I vehemently denied the allegations that I switched my choice later, they persisted in their dangerously misguided beliefs.

Here at the Ministry of Truth we take our motto seriously,

"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

and we also take seriously those who would Deny the Truth! In times like these, when our Nation is at WAR, Un-patriotic Thoughts and Deeds need to be dealt with in a Serious Manner. This is the reason why the Thought Po-lice were formed in the first place; so as to weed out those Undesirable and Negative elements in our Society, who continue to promote Dangerous and Subversive Ideas, in spite of Official Policy to the contrary.

This is why it is sometimes necessary for the Good of the rest of the Law Abiding and God Fearing Citizens to bash in some thugs doors and remove them to Re-Education Centers. There they can receive Treatment for their aberrant behavior and maybe, someday be returned to Society as Citizens once more. Provided of course they can get their heads right. We have found Hard Labor is an excellent panacea for a troubled mind.

"Tranquility Thru Bone-Crushing Labor"

Keep that in mind boyz and gurlz the next time you decide to exercise your Constitutional Right to Free Speech. It would behoove you to think of it more as your Right to Free Barely Audible Whispering. Cuz, like, if we happen ta overhear ya, yer in a World of Hurt.

Now as I said previously, I will be announcing my Prediction for the Super Bowl immediately after it's over and I'm sure you will see that I was right once again. Won't you boyz and gurlz?? Of course you will!!

th cap'm

P.S. After you see that I was right once again it would be permissible, nay, even encouraged for you to Congratulate me on th uncanny accuracy of my predictions. Once again.


Subject: Steelers Win
Date:
Monday, January 23, 2006 4:29 AM

This just in from the Ministry of Truth:

"Th Cap't, Seer, Visionary. Once more, the Cap't nailed it again. It's uncanny isn't it how he does it!! Citizens, you would think the man would be wrong every now and then wouldn't you? But nooo. It's downright eerie.

Now it's possible you may have received a bogus e-mail last week purportedly from the cap't like the one below. If so, you are ordered by the State to disregard it and not think of it again. The Thought Po-lice have their orders.


capthoohah@webtv.net
Sunday Jan. 15, 7:26 PM

"OK ya'll, I jus wanted ta remind ya that several months ago I predicted th Denver Broncos ta win all th marbles, to wit; th Super Bowl! A lotta folks scoffed and jeered cuz I said that after week three. They thought mebbe I wuz a bit premature.

Then, as th season went on, some folks asked me if I might wanna reconsider my prediction, based on th Colt's winning game after game, week after week. And while I didn't change my position, I wuzn't quite as vocal about it. HOWEVER, in light of th Colts loss ta th Steelers today, takin Them outta th picture, I'm gonna say it one more time.

Denver beats th Steelers ta WIN!!!

Take th cap'ms Word on it!

th cap'm"


Somehow some subversive elements were able to take the cap'ts e-mail and switched the words, "Pittsburgh" and "Steelers" with, "Denver" and the "Broncos" makin it appear that he had picked the Broncos to win. Nothing could be further from the Truth citizens! Even now peoples in th Ministry of Justice (God Bless Homeland Security!) are tracking these scurrilous cyber-curs down. Make no mistake, they can run, but they can't hide. We will run them to ground and they will be Rehabilitated!

However, because of th widespread confusion this forgery caused, raising alert levels to red, th Cap'ts prediction of who will win th Super Bowl won't be released until after th game! But, make no mistake about it, absolutely no one here at the Ministry of Truth doubts he will get it right once again!!

Remember Citizens: War is Peace!!

Winston Smith, Ministry of Truth, Oceania

APPROVED DOCUMENT BELOW

capthoohah@webtv.net
Sunday, Jan. 15, 7:26 PM

OK ya'll, I jus wanted ta remind ya that several months ago I predicted th Pittsburgh Steelers ta win all th marbles, to wit; th Super Bowl! A lotta folks scoffed and jeered cuz I said that after week three.They thought mebbe I wuz a bit premature.

Then, as th season went on, some folks asked me if I might wanna reconsider my prediction, based on th Colt's winning game after game, week after week. And while I didn't change my position, I wuzn't quite as vocal about it. HOWEVER, in light of th Colts loss ta th Steelers today, takin Them outta th picture, I'm gonna say it one more time.

STEELERS BEAT TH BRONCOS TA WIN!!!

Take th cap'ms Word on it!

th cap'm


Subject: Rookies
Date:
Monday, January 23, 2006 3:05 AM

A couple of nights ago I caught a band and they were jus yer typical run-of-th-mill rock n' roll band. Well, actually they weren't all that typical; frankly, they were pretty bad! And I'm bein kind here.

I wuz greatly amused when on one song th vocalist held up a sheet of paper in both hands and sang th lyrics, y'know, right off th page there. Whew! Whut a performance, eh? Ha ha. Cn ya dig it! I mean, cn ya picture th dude rockin out (and when I say 'rockin out' I'm stretchin it a bit) while starin intently at a piece of paper? Ha ha. I mean, thas cool fer karioke or somthin I guess, but wouldn't ya think th dude oughta know th lyrics ta a song they're performin after peoples have paid a cover charge ta see em?

Well, as I said, it wuz pretty amusin!

And whut made it even more amusin wuz th fact that th two guitars were so fookin loud they completely drowned out th vocalist altogether. Ya couldn't even hear th dude at all! He wuz jus standin there lookin at a piece of paper and ya could see his mouth movin but ya couldn't hear im. And these two guyz flankin him were standin there like a couple of statues unable ta take their eyes off their their guitars lest they make a mistake, and it wuz so god-awful loud it hurt yer ears. All in all, not a very satisfyin show!!

I always think peoples in rock n' roll bands oughta be kinda lively. Y'know, instead of jus standin there hittin their notes, they oughta be movin about a bit as tho they're actually into th music, instead of like they're practicin in th basement or somthin.

Personally, speakin strictly as a member of th audience, my advice ta other peoples in bands would be; if ya don't know th lyrics ta a particular song, then don't do th mutherfucker!! At least not in public. Limit yer performances ta th garage, until such time as ya can sing it without readin th lyrics off a sheet of paper.

And then, let th audience know yer not asleep by glancin up from yer instrument from time ta time and even cultivate a few moves ta let em know yer rilly into it.

I never understand why so many bands don't realise that besides jus playin th music it helps an awful lot to put on a show too! It makes fer a much more professional kinda performance in my opinion. It's kinda like th difference between listenin ta a player piano and watchin a person play th piano.

th cap'm


Subject: Cheap Movies
Date:
Monday, January 23, 2006 1:47 AM

Hey ya'll, do ya know where Valentine Video is on th corner at 901 Westport Rd? Right directly around th corner from Blockbuster on th Trafficway; right across th street from Spivey's books.

Well on Wednesday's all movies, except for new releases, are ONE buck! Now thas pretty hard ta beat, eh? And they're good for five days. There's a lotta good old movies out there that may be 25 years old even, and are well worth a lousy dollar.

On Tuesday's they're three for th price of two. I rented three movies for $5.50. Fuck payin four bucks apiece at Blockbuster!! So check em out.

th cap'm


Subject: I DO NOT WORK FER SPRINT
Date:
Thursday, January 19, 2006 1:17 PM

OK ya'll, I jus wanna make it clear here in regards to th pics I've sent ya, (which no one seems to be able to get) that I am not employed by Sprint to lure unsuspecting victims to their web site. OK! Thas not happening! Personally I don't like Sprint ad they don't like me either! We do not have cordial relations. I wish them nothing but misfortune, while they continue ta call me constantly about a bogus bill that I have promised them that I will NEVER, EVER pay them. I will not pay them a third of it, or a fourth of it, or a tenth of it. I will never oay them a PENNY of it. So, as I say, I am not their lackey.

Originally, when I got these pics I wuz unable to access em myself. I spent literally hours before I figured it out.Then, out of ten pics available, I sent one of em to myself to make sure th damned thing worked. When I wuz able to access it, I did th 'Eureka' thing, and then forwarded it, including to myself to make sure it worked. CURSES!! It didn't.

So I went thru th whole laborious process all over again, which as you know means staring at that almost blank Sprint screen fer long periods of time. I tried it again and it worked, so I sent it out again. Then when I checked my mail to confirm success, I discovered that once again it didn't work.

I fooled with it for a long time, and finally thought I had solved th problem, so I sent th last one out, (third time) and now as a result of that foolish gesture, I now have villagers armed with torches and pitchforks chasin me all about th countryside, makin it difficult ta gt a good nights sleep.

So I fooled with it some more today and finally realised that you jus have to wait an uncommonly long time during each phase. Th whole thing takes prolly six minutes. But I attributed that long wait to th simple technology of th WebTv System. I assumed that peoples using computers wouldn't have that problem and th pic would appear instantly. Obviously a wrong assumption!

Now if this wuz 1960 and ya told some one that you were goin to take a photo using yer "portable telephone" and that you would then transfer those pics to them on their own "personal computer" where they could then see em, but that it would take 5 or 6 minutes before they could get it, they would suspect you were outta yer mind. Or mebbe writin a SciFi story of some kind.

But, bein that we're here in th Third Millennium and all, we expect things RIGHT NOW. Impatient critters that we have become today, peoples give up on it too soon, thinkin it's not workin cuz it's not poppin up instantly.

Now, if ya do wanna see th stoopid thing, you can!! But.... lemme warn ya that it's rilly not worth all th time and energy. It's jus a damn dumb pic, thas all. Ya might better spend yer time watchin shadows crawl across th wall. That can be entertaining sometimes on a slow, lazy afternoon.

So, fer those with a lotta perseverance, (and also time on yer hands) do this! After th interminable time it takes to jus open it, sit back and work that crossword puzzle glancin at th screen occasionally. After a while a bunch of stuff will appear on th left hand side of th page. (see warning below) Scroll down past that and past th ads fer different products. All th way down at th very bottom of th page there will be a little yellow box that sez "OK". Click on that. Th next page will have ten thumbnail pics on it. I had sent th middle pic in th top row (#3) and th middle pic in th bottom row (#8). And after that, as you look at th pics you'll no doubt say ta yerself,

"Whut th fu.....? All this shit fer THIS!! SHEEEIT."

WARNING: if after waitin a bit, th screen goes black, click back to th original screen and wait fer th ads again and scroll down to th bottom lookin fer th little yellow box.

th cap'm

P.S If you are ever some place and some Sprint fucknut is tryin ta sell ya on their phone/camera concept, and tryin ta tell ya how easy it is ta send those pics to yer amigos, you will already have a pretty good idea how full of shit they are!! Oh, and by th way, as long as ya've got a Sprint person's attention, tell em th cap't said,

"GO FUCK YERSELF!"


Subject: Like, I ate at, like, th Brick earlier and like, it wus, like, awesome
Date:
Sunday, January 15, 2006 9:08 PM

I went down ta th Brick this afternoon ta have th Sunday Special; fried chicken. It wuz excellent! And besides th good meal I wuz pleasantly entertained by th conversation of three young musician dudes sittin right behind me.

These three dudes were th Champs of "like". I mean, these guys used this word obsessively, and all three of em were doin it too; it wuz, like, they were havin a contest ta see who could sday it th most. I wuz so throughly entranced that I started keepin track of em. Their best score wuz one minute where I had em down fer 43 times!! In five different minutes they had scores of 18, 26, 29, 17 and th aforementioned 43. I wanted ta leave their scores on their table when I left, but doubted it would have any tangible effect. Besides, this is Amerika and ya can talk any way ya wanna!

But still, I would have luved ta have been able ta give them a written transcript of five minutes of their conversation and mebbe if they could see visually whut they had said, they might have gotten some idea of jus how stupid it sounded.

I mean, sheeit, like, I use this word myself from time ta time and it's perfectly alright, ya unnerstan, but, c'mon, a bit of moderation here, eh!

In between bites of my delicious chicken and countin their words, I got distracted fer a few minutes by th conversation this character at th bar wuz havin on his cell phone. Besides th three guyz behind me there wuz only him and one other guy at th bar, and th owner/barmaid. This is roughly how his conversation went fer about ten minutes. Even tho I wuz sittin 25 feet away from him, I had no problem evesdroppin cuz he wuz talkin so loud ya couldn't help but hear him. This guy spoke with a real heavy accent. I don't mean any kind of ethnic accent; I jus mean th accent of an absolutely dumb fuck! He said,

"I been tellin ya all along that womens is ignerent. They all is but yew jus won't lissen. Yew think yers is different but she ain't. Yer jus gonna have ta find out th hard way cuz yew won't lissen ta me! Now I know I ain't zacky a ladies man and all like thet there, but I have learned one thing in my dealins with em; theys all ignerent as a rock!! Oh sure, mebbe not all of em, but most of em. Theys differnt from yew and I. They don know stuff lak we does. Theys ignerent and yer jus too stuborn ta admit it and it's gonna cause ya a lotta trouble if ya don wake up"

OK, I'm paraphrasin here a bit, but this basic conversation went on and on like this for some time. At one point he said somthin or other; I don't remember whut it wuz, but it caused me ta spit out my iced tea and laugh out loud. When he finally hung up he told th owner there who wuz behind th bar th whole time, that he wuzn't talkin bout her, no, no, it wuz jus bout th ignerent ones, and as he pointed out ta her, if she would admit it, that most womens were ignerent! She said there were lotsa ignorant people in th world and they weren't all female, and he said,

"Yeah, but yew know whut ahm sayin!"

When she brought my ticket to me I complimented her on her chicken and commented on th lively conversations one hears in bars, and she jus giggled and rolled her eyes.

So. all in all, a very pleasant, lazy Sunday afternoon, with a tasty meal combined with some lively, stimulating conversations overheard. Whut more cn ya ask fer?

th cap'm


Subject: Th Cap't; th Seer
Date:
Sunday, January 15, 2006 7:56 PM

OK ya'll, I jus wanted ta remind ya that several months ago I predicted th Denver Broncos ta win all th marbles, to wit; th Super Bowl! A lotta folks scoffed and jeered cuz I said that after week three. They thought mebbe I wuz a bit premature.

Then, as th season went on, some folks asked me if I might wanna reconsider my prediction, based on th Colt's winning game after game, week after week. And while I didn't change my position, I wuzn't quite as vocal about it. HOWEVER, in light of th Colts loss ta th Steelers today, takin Them outta th picture, I'm gonna say it one more time.

Denver beats th Steelers ta WIN!!!

Take th cap'ms Word on it!

th cap'm


Subject: Taking th 'Tuff Love' Bit Waaay Too Far!!
Date:
Saturday, January 14, 2006 6:18 PM

I read in th paper a couple of days ago where a guy called th cops and got his 16 year old son arrested. This fuckin slimeball happened ta over hear his kid talkin on th phone to a buddy who was supposed ta bring him some weed.

So Daddy, decided ta teach his kid a lesson. He called th coppers and told em of th big drug deal that wuz about to go down. Th cops were there when th kid delivered th weed and promptly busted em both. Th kid who delivered th weed wuz released to th custody of his parents, bein a juvenile and all, but th son of th snitch was taken to juvie cuz his parents refused to take custody of him.

I couldn't help but wonder what kind of father would set up his own kid on a beef like this? We're not talkin bout crack or meth, or PCP, or smak, or coke, or anything like that. His kid hadn't robbed any banks or beat up any old ladies; we're talkin bout some weed fr'chrissake. How bout a bit of perspective!?

My opinion of this shithead first class wuz confirmed when I saw his ass on TV. He wuz standin there, arms folded, all smug and self righteous, sayin that his son had betrayed a trust, and how this piece of shit could talk about betrayal and keep a straight face wuz beyond me.

He said there were consequences for one's actions and he wuz teachin his son that when ya make bad decisions ya pay th price You could see this fucker wuz so full of himself. He wuz jus almost beamin with self pride on what a rilly moral dude he wuz. I thought it wuz disgusting.

Now, whutever ya happen ta think about marijuana, look here, even if yer tatally opposed ta it, there are plenty of other options that asshole coulda taken besides settin his kid up to get busted. Do ya rilly think 30-40 years from now that kid will look back on this and chuckle and say,

"Yep, my ol man snitched me out ta th cops over a bag of weed when I wuz 16 years old. Ha ha. Whut a character, eh!!! Boy if he hadn't done that, I surely woulda wound up dead, or in prison some day, instead of bein a successful used car salesman."

Sheeit, I'll tell ya one thing; if I wuz Junior; I'd be watchin th ol man like a fuckin hawk, jus waitin fer th sumbitch to fuck up. I'd find some way to get im popped fer a DUI, like mebbe one night while he's sittin around drinkin some beers watchin a game or somethin I'd ask im ta give me a ride ta th mall and th first cop I saw I would be jumpin outta th car and tell that cop th dude drivin wuz drunk on his ass!

Or else mebbe I'd drop a dime on him ta th IRS about some little bit of income he failed ta report every year.

In other words; there would be payback!!!!

In Spades!! With no regrets. And th day I turned 18, I'd hit th bricks and never look back

th cap'm


Subject: STOP THE PRESS!
Date:
Sunday, January 8, 2006 9:42 PM

Break out th Fireworks and th Booze. A celebration is in order. Jus a few minutes ago I wuz sittin here readin some responses to my loss of my St. Anthony medal, grinnin at some of em, when, suddenly, from out of No Where, this vague memory slipped into my head. It wuz that I had removed th medal while takin off a particularly tight turtleneck. Because of wearin it on th outside it came off with th turtleneck.

I rushed back to th bedroom and looked on an end table where my vague memory had me putting it temporarily. But, Nope! Dammit. It wuzn't there!! CURSES! I wuz greatly disappointed cuz I have been lookin all over th house for it fer th past several days, and thinking and wonderin jus where it might be?

As I went ta leave th room, I wuz gettin ready ta turn th light off and I turned around and glanced down and,

ZOUNDS!! THERE IT WUZ!!

Right there on th floor boyz and gurlz, almost under th bed, partially covered by th bed spread. I snatched it up almost greedily, as tho some one else might beat me to it if I didn't act swiftly. I held it up and wanted ta let out a loud celebratory YAHOOOO, but I'm not rilly a YAHOO kinda guy, so instead, I jus let out a huge SIGH that had been building up fer days.

Whut a relief! Man, I had been feelin so vulnerable with out my Mojo. I had been imagining th worst kind of scenarios possible, y'know, like, mebbe losing th refrigerator, or my car, or somthin! I knew it wuz gonna be Bad and thought it wuz an ominous way ta start a new year. This doesn't bode well fer me, I thought.

But now tho, everything is Sunshine and Roses once again. Jusl like that; our Fortunes can change. Oh, Life is soo Sweet, eh!

th cap't

P.S. To all th critters who offered Words of Encouragement and Hope in those Dark Moments, when th World turned up-side down, and Armageddon seemed ta be jus around th corner, thanks fer th Good Vibes.


Subject: Bummer of Bummers!!
Date:
Saturday, January 7, 2006 2:34 PM

Damn. Damn, Curses! TEN THOUSAND CURSES! Ya know how I've told ya before about how I have a tendency ta lose things. It's been an on-going, life long problem. But I have countered it by using th services of St Anthony. I've told ya bout him several times. If ya remember, he's th "Patron Saint of Lost Things". And in spite of everything Sensible and Rational ta th contrary; he works!! I've been thru it all before so I'm not gonna belabor th point. Ya jus gotta take my Word on it, and after all..... Bird, Bird. Bird is th Word! Don'cha know, everybody talkin bout Bird is th Word.

Aw'right, so anyway, this past year, a friend of mine, knowin how vulnerable I am in this area of losing things, gave me a St. Anthony medal ta wear round my neck, which I have faithfully been doin. Th thinkin here wuz that this pre-emptive measure might keep me from losin stuff in th first place, thus I wouldn't havta keep botherin St. Anthony alla time. He does have lotsa other clients besides myself, ya'know!

Well th Bummer I'm referrin to is that I jus discovered that,

I'VE LOST MY ST. ANTHONY MEDAL!!!

It's not around my neck. Why? I dunno, cuz I never take it off!! It wuz there last nite! Whut in th hell happened ta it? Did someone mug me walkin in ta th crib last nite and only took my medal, but nothin else? Could it have been those fiends who superglued my ignition and stole my clutch pedal years ago? Have they returned ta haunt me? Are they playin mind games with me?

Or, did th chain simply break and it jus slipped quietly away? I dunno boyz and gurlz, but this is an Ill Omen; I know that! Cuz, like, when ya lose yer 'Patron Saint of Lost Things' medal... somthin is seriously amiss!

And damm it all, it would be jus too embarrassin ta ask him ta help me find it, ya'know whut I mean?

Oh woe! Whut is to become of me now?

th cap't


Subject: Another Culinary Lesson From The Captain's Own Kitchen/Lab.
Date:
Saturday, January 7, 2006 12:01 PM

How To Render Six Dollars Worth Of Chicken Breasts Inedible. Take it from me kids; I know whut I'm talkin about.

This is fairly simple boyz and gurlz. Without seemin ta brag, lemme jus say that I'm rather accomplished in this particular field, Some would even say; an expert, but... Aw Shucks...I dunno bout that. But anyway, you shouldn't have too much trouble if ya follow these simple instructions. It's not as hard as ya might think.

Here's whut ya do; take ya some nice boneless breasts and lay em out on a plate....dribble some milk over em on both sides, throw yer seasonings on em generously....I usually use salt, garlic and pepper, but yew cn use whutever ya prefer.

Then take th pieces and put em in a plastic bag full of flour and do th hokey-pokey and shake em all about. Thas whut it's all about. When they're evenly coated with flour, stop makin an Ass of yerself and drop em in a preheated heavy cast iron skillet full of cookin oil. (yew cn use any kind of oil ya want, cuz in th end, it won't make any difference anyway) They should sizzle on contact.

OK then, next step........ GO AWAY!...... Go wherever you want..... go to th mall....... go fishing...... join th army---be all ya can be.... It doesn't really matter...jus GO.

Sometimes, dependin on jus how long ya've been gone ya may find fire engines and stuff blockin yer way ta yer abode. Ya may also see guyz bustin yer front door down with axes. Don't be alarmed. These are good early signs ya've accomplished yer mission.

If, on th other hand, ya don't see any activity like this when ya eventually return, see if ya can stick a fork in the now pretty crispy pieces. If so, put em back fer a while longer. Take a nap. When yer satisfied they're done, try cuttin thru em with a very sharp knife with a serrated blade, If yer able ta saw thru em and can still distinguish where th crust ends and the chicken begins, they're not fucked up enuff yet. Put em back until they are rock solid thru and thru.

I think if ya follow these simple steps there should be no way in hell ya cn eat th finished product. If so, ya certainly have stronger jaws than me, and congratulations on that! But fer most peoples, if ya can't eat em; whudda'ya do with em now? Well, whut I do is; I use a lotta my finished product fer paper weights and door stops and stuff like that. Then th rest I use fer ballast fer my pirate vessel. Use ur imagination; you'll come up with somthin.

th Cap't

P.S. Th beauty of this proven procedure is that, once ya get th hang of it, ya cn apply this same method ta lots of other culinary projects too. It always works for me!!


Subject: Copy cat!!
Date:
Friday, January 6, 2006 4:37 PM

What is with this Abramoff dude anyway? Why is he suddenly tryin ta copy me with his black full length coat and his black fedora? Sheeit. I've been wearin those fer twenty years! Now all of a sudden, he pops up in em. Did his PR advisers tell im?

"Try and look look like th Cap't. Peoples will like ya better,"

Th next thing ya know he'll be sportin a pair of shades like mine and wearin a 41' Mercury-head dime earring and a quartz necklace and a black turtleneck. Go get yer own 'look' ya fuckhead!!

th cap't

P.S. I'll bet Jack didn't pick up his coat and lid in a thrift store tho, eh!? And I'll bet he paid more than 30 bucks fer em too. Sucker!!


Subject: Adventures in KC
Date:
Thursday, January 5, 2006 6:29 PM

I decided earlier today to have a bowl of chili from th Brick down there at 17th & McGee right across from th Star.

On th way down I got behind an SUV that had a decal of an Eagle stretched across the entire back window. The eagle was all done up in red, white, and blue naturally. Below it, in big letters, also in red, white and blue it said,

"AMERICA. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT"

A favorite slogan of th anti-liberal, pro-war conservatives of th ‘60's and early ‘70s. Roughly translated as,

"Fuck th First Amendment and all that ACLU Free Speech Bullshit; if ya don't like th policies of our Government, shut th Fuck up. and get th Fuck out!!"

Evidently, th sentiment is still there, alive and well.

Th slogan that rilly pisses me off th most tho in terms of sheer Outrageousness and Stupidity is,

"My Country. Right or Wrong!!"

Whut kind of Mindless fuckin Moron would say somethin like this? Spoken like a true Nazi. Th Arrogance! Th Blind Allegiance of th totally Brainwashed, Ignorant Mind to accept, without question, regardless of th Rightness or Wrongness, anything their Government does! Th Ultimate Stupidity. In a Democracy, that kinda mindset is frightening.

OK, so, deciding it wuzn't worth th effort to pull alongside that fuckin idiot and give him my opinion of his opinion, I continued on down ta th Brick where I enjoyed a very tasty bowl of chili. Mmmm, it wuz yummy, I'm tellin ya! Well worth th drive down. 17th and McGee. Check it out sometime. Ya'll like it.

So, after leavin there, on th way home, jus killin some time, I stopped ta check out th Kemper Museum of Modern Art. I like to stop in there every few months jus ta see whut's shakin. One of th nice things I like about th Kemper, as opposed ta th Nelson is, it's FREE!! And for me, Art is always more enjoyable when it's free!

One of th things I don't like about it tho is that attitude of their staff. But it's th same over at th Nelson too. Th staff at th museums; it's always like you're an unwelcome guest. They keep a real close eye on you. Not very friendly people. Sometimes I wonder why they even bother ta let th Pondscum Suckin Public in anyway?

I got an excellent example of that attitude today, and I hadn't even been there fer five minutes. I walked into this one gallery and this museum guy wuz leanin against th wall with his arms folded, and he had a kinda stern look on his face. I jus glanced in his direction and didn't pay him any mind. As I browsed about I noticed he wuz lookin at me. Whut? Me paranoid? No, no, but he wuz. Rilly. I wondered if I fit some kinda profile that merited extra close attention cuz, like, I had on my shades, and my black fedora (jus like that asshole Abramoff is wearin now) and a black, full length wool overcoat. I wuz gettin a bit pissed and started to ask him jus why in th hell he was starin at me, but instead jus sauntered nonchalantly right by him, ignorin his boorish behavior completely. He didn't turn to look at me as I passed by him which surprised me, considerin how closely he'd been keepin an eye on me.

When I got on his left side and slightly behind him, I wanted to see if he paid as much attention to some other peoples who had jus come in as he had to me. And he did. And I felt a little bit better bout that cuz at least he hadn't singled me out. He was jus bein an asshole to everyone. I wondered jus where th hell do they find these peoples?

Do they run ads in th paper sayin,

"Wanted: Dour, sullen, soul-less individual to intimidate art patrons. Must be capable of standing rigidly and suppressing smile impulse for hours."

Well, th dude jus kept starin. Not movin. Not breathin. And that not breathin part got me suspicious. I kept lookin and then I noticed his wrist seemed kinda shiny....and I looked harder....and suddenly my Holmes-like instincts came up to full speed and it hit me!! Wow!! I wanted to shout out, "Eureka!" but instead let out an audible chuckle loud enuff to turn some heads. Oh shit, now I got other patrons looking at me tryin ta figure out whut this fuckin loon is laughin about to himself.

Then I walked right up to this rilly life-like “guard mannequin” and looked right inta his rilly life-like eyes and said,

"Thought ya had me fooled din't ya? Ya fucker!"

A little later, as I drove home, replayin th whole episode over in my mind, I wuz glad I had exercised some restraint and hadn't walked up and confronted him and asked him loudly and indignantly jus why in th fuck he wuz starin at me?

See, boyz and gurlz, it pays ta Stop! and Think before ya act precipitously. It could save ya some embarrassment.

th cap't

P.S. If ya haven't been ta th Kemper lately I do recommend ya stop by. They have some rilly neat video exhibits goin on there right now. They got some stuff that that will make ya go, "GEE!" And when ya see Frank, lollin against th wall there, tell im th capt said, "Yo".


Subject: Dawg Redux
Date:
Wednesday, January 4, 2006 12:09 PM

Last night, I dreamed Again about that talking dog I wrote about a couple of months ago. I wonder if he is going to start being a regular feature, or just make guest appearances from time to time?

The first thing I said to him when I saw him was, "Yo dawg, sup?" It was good to see him again cus he's actually a very pleasant dog, and besides the fact he can talk, he's really quite intelligent and has a great sense of humor. It always makes for an interesting experience to encounter some one such as him. Y'know, the exchange of different ideas and opinions from the perspective of one who comes from such a different cultural background.

On the other hand, the worst thing, a real bummer, is to get stuck in a conversation on a bus with a really DUMB dog who just will not shut up! Carrying on and on about the squirrels and the cats in his neighborhood. Give it a rest, will'ya!! And the thing is; you can't get away from them. Situations like that make you realize why so many peoples shun mass transportation, and would rather move themselves about in the privacy of their own vehicles, knowwhutahmsayin.

th cap't


Subject: "It was a Catch 22 Kind of Situation"
Date:
Wednesday, January 4, 2006 12:33 AM

Have ya ever heard that phrase, or somthin similar before? Catch 22! Sure ya have. Every one knows whut that means. Of course it's th title of Joseph Hellers classic novel, but a Catch 22 situation simply means that no matter whut ya do, no matter which way ya turn, no matter whut yer decision; yer Fucked!! It's a Lose-Lose situation!

But how about a Catch 18? You've never heard that one I'll bet. But ya know whut; that was th original title of his book. Yeah, "Catch 18". But because his publishers were also tryin ta promote Leon Uris's book Mila 18 at th same time, they thought th similarities of th titles would be confusin to th reading public. (We are a bunch of Dummies after all, jus take a look at all th books out there aimed at us dummies) They convinced Heller ta change th name, and so he went with 22 instead of 18. I don't recall why he chose 22 rather than some other number, but he did, thus Catch 22!

Did'ja know that boyz and gurls? Do ya believe it? Well, it's TRUE, dammit

th cap't.


Subject: Farewell To Tristan and Link
Date:
Tuesday, January 3, 2006 6:15 PM

I read yesterday of some of the notable peoples who checked out this past year. Two of them caught my attention in particular.

One of em was Link Wray, pioneer rock guitarist. Link Wray and th Wray-Men's hit instrumental from 1958, "Rumble" is one of th very best rock instrumentals of all time. He invented th "fuzz tone" on “Rumble,” which accounted for it's totally unique sound at th time, by punching holes in his amplifier speakers with a pencil. “Rumble” went on ta sell 4 million copies. Every single time I hear that song it transports me back to California in the ‘50s. You can hear “Rumble” on th soundtrack of Pulp Fiction. In 1959, he had another hit called “Rawhide,” which sold a million copies. He pioneered the distortion used on rock instrumentals ever since. He was 76 when he died. The guy was simply put — Great.

Tristan Egolf was another who moved on, albeit by his own hand. He committed suicide at age 33. Why? Who knows? Who can even guess why Genius oft times leaves us so early? Who can even imagine what Van Gogh might have given us had he chosen to hang on longer?

Egolf was the author whose first book called Lord of th Barnyard was released to wide critical acclaim. No one can explain how peoples such as him can accomplish what they do at such a young age. Many authors spend their whole lives and never write its equal. His protagonist, John Kallenbrunner, is a guy you can't help but admire in spite of his flaws. You know he's doomed, but you gotta take the ride with him to it's inevitable conclusion, hoping all the time he will be redeemed, and yet knowin, it ain't gonna happen.

If you ever have th chance to read this book; DO SO!! You'll be glad you did cuz it's excellent! After reading it, you prolly won't find his suicide all that surprising. Altho brilliant, he was obviously a troubled soul, much like his John Kallenbrunner.

th cap't


Subject: Th cap't Takes Some HEAT
Date:
Tuesday, January 3, 2006 4:09 AM

OK, I'm prolly waay too fucked up now ta be writin this, but whut th hell? I've had a few peoples kinda gettin down on my case bout some of th things I've said bout our Georgie and th trials and tribulations he's goin thru. But, sheeit, fer some reason us common folks do take a bit of pleasure when we catch a glimpse of th powerful caught with their pants down, eh? But like, in Bill Clinton's case, quite literally with his pants actually down. Ha ha Our Deutsche comrades have a word fer it; "Shadenfreude" I believe. To take pleasure in another's mis-fortune.

I also hear from friends of mine who live in Kansas. As ya may know, I do get down on th good peoples of Kansas quite frequently too. It's true, I'll cop ta it. But, sheeit, they bring in down on upon themselves. Their foibles and absurdities are quite easy ta point out, since they seem ta go outta their way to let ya know bout em. And then they say stuff like,

"Yo Cap't, I read your latest piece of shit about Kansas."

and I say,

"Yeah...and like, so whut?"

and they say,

"Yeah! And, like...FUCK YOU!!"

and I say,

"I hear your pain brother." Ha ha

So like, if yer from Kansas and been wantin ta say that ta me, well, some folks already beat ya to it. But looky here ya'll, I jus want ya ta know, that altho I may come down on Bush.....and Kansas.... and Religion..... and lots of other things that some peoples find offensive, that there is absolutely nothing personal in it. Y'know, it's jus th cap't after all. He's kinda like th babblin brook, in that, he does babble too!

My own mother would tell ya, as she does me, that my brain has been so fried on drugs (DA DRUGS DA DRUGS) that all my rantings and ravings are nothing but complete nonsense from a mind so addled by drugs that nothing I say can be taken seriously. Now personally, I say thas Bullshit, and would argue th point til I passed out, but we're all entitled ta our various opinions, eh? She also tells me I'm going to HELL for all Eternity for my Evil godless ways.

Gosh, now, I sure hope she's wrong on that one tho, cuz Eternity seems like a awfully long time ta be punished fer just a few short decades of my brand of Grade C Evil. I mean, among Great Evil Doers of th World, I don't rilly think I would rank up there among th top peoples. I mean, like, all I do Bad is; smoke a bit of dope and question th Existence of a Supreme Being, and make fun of Geo. Bush and Kansas. And thas gonna get me Eternity in Hell?

Is that rilly so Evil as ta condemn me ta everlasting Pain and Unendurable Agony fer all of Time, Forever and ever without end. I ask ya, whut kinda cold, egotistical, self-centered, unforgiving god would act in a manner such as that? Is this Supernatural, All Powerful Being rilly that sensitive??? Ya'd think a Being, powerful enuff ta Create th Earth and th entire Universe, in only six days, mind you, would be psychologically mature enuff ta handle a bit of Doubt, wouldn't ya? Is that perceived slight enuff ta trigger that kinda Extreme Revenge?

I mean, even us primitive, lowly Human Beings got more Compassion than that. We got rules too, but generally we use a bit of common sense, like we don't send peoples to prison fer life fer jaywalking, altho jaywalkin is against th rules. We let a lotta peoples outta prison after having served only mebbe 12-25 years, even tho they may have killed somebody. Sheeit! Hey Jack, I ain't killed no one!! But I'm told I'm lookin at, not jus Life, but ETERNITY! Y'know, like, Time without End. Gimme a break, huh!
Can ya see it all goin down? Like, when they toss me into th hellhole and my cell partner sez,

"Hey yo dude, whut ya in fer?"

and I sez,

"Well, y'know, like, I said I didn't believe in god and I said bad stuff about Kansas, and Geo. Bush.

Y'know, stuff like that."

"I can dig it. So, like, how much Time d'ya get?"

"I got th big Kahuna!…Eternity!"

"Whew! Bummer! Like, I'm doin an Eternity bit myself! Who wuz yer Judge?"

"God!"

"Oh dude, that figures. He's one tuff Deity. Word on th street is; he got Ice in his veins."

"Yeah, tell me bout it. So like, whut ya in fer?"

"Aw, ain no big thing, They call me A-Dawg. Like, I started a World War, y'know, Big fuckin deal, knowhutahm sayin, iced mebbe 50 million, but, sheeit, they wuz mostly sub-humans. Slavs, Jews, gypsies, y'know, trash like thet, knowhutahm sayin!"

"Well, not my place ta judge I guess. hehe. Looks like we're gonna have lotsa time ta get acquainted eh.

Man! It sure is HOT in this mutherfucker!"

"No shit Sherlock, tell me bout it! Ya think it's bad now, jus wait til summer!"

"Yo bro, ya got a square? They took all mine away."

"Nah, fuggedaboutit dude. They don't allow no smokin here!"

"Oh man, bummer! Sheeit, this gonna be Hell!"

"Ya got that right brutha!! I think yer startin ta get th feel of th place!"

But sheeit, you take yer Compassionate kinda god; th one ya hear peoples talkin bout, s'posin, like, he gave me Eternity with th possibility of parole, say after two hundred million years in Hell. I do my 200 mil and then I come up fer Parole. He wants ta know if I've been Rehabilitated?

He sez ta me,

"OK Chuck! Ya don't mind if I calls ya Chuck, do ya?"

"Nah, no, thas cool! I'm down wit dat."

"So, les see, hmmmm, like, yew were charged with Denying my Existence, right? And ya got Eternity, right, so now yer lookin ta hit th bricks early after only 200 million years, is that correct Chuckie?"

"Yassuh Boss! Yas suh! I done seen th errors of my ways and I done be's rehabilitated fer sure Boss! Im a completely Re-Ha-Bil-I-Tated Dude! 110%"

"OK, So....Chuckie ...ya've had some time ta reflect on it; lemme ask ya this....do you BELIEVE now???"

"Oh yassuh Boss! Yassuh! Ya bet yer Sweet God's Ass I do!! I BELIEVES!"

"Aw'right, aw'right, don't lay it on too thick! OK, I'm gonna let ya off fer th 200 mil ya've already served. I hope ya've learned yer lesson.

Now, GO...AND SIN NO MO!"

And this would be where ya see me leap in th air and click my heels, like they used ta do in th movies but never actually did in real life. But, I'd do it in that case.

Whadda'ya think? Is it so far fetched ta think a Compassionate god might let ya off with only a few hundred million years, instead of ETERNITY fer th Crime of questioning his Existence?!!! Hey Bub, I'm countin on it, cuz, like, I could do th 200 mil standin on my ears, know whut I mean.

th cap't (aka...th godless Being of Evil)


Subject: 2005.... GOODBYE and GOOD RIDDANCE!
Date:
Sunday, January 1, 2006 6:25 PM

Y'know folks, there are very few things I'm gonna remember from 2005 with fondness. It was not a very good year. At least not for me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially; it was a Bummer!

All year long, one episode after another, I kept hearing that old saying,

"That which does not kill me only makes me stronger."

If true, and since I'm not dead, ergo, I must be stronger! And so, in light of that, I say to 2006,

"BRING IT ON! SHOW ME WHAT'CHA GOT!"

th cap't


Subject: Musings of Der Leader from 05'.
Date:
Sunday, January 1, 2006 11:43 AM

These were all in saturday's paper. if you should happen ta be a georgie porgie fan all i can say is; they jus shouldn't let th dude out unsupervised in public. he's jus not up to it. and th horror is that we must endure three more years of this babbling buffoon. check im out.

"Wow! Brazil is big." -- after bein shown a map of brazil by its president. 11/06. Altho he is th leader of th free world, that doesn't necessarily mean he knows anything about it. Next, some one will tell him it gets hot in iraq.

"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." -- defending cheney's pre war assertion that we would be welcomed in iraq as liberators. 12/12.Oh mercy!! And they jus keep on welcoming us every single day with more car bombs. Whut happened to th flowers?

"See, in my line of work you have to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to set in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." -- n.y. 5/24.

"The relations with, uhh---Europe are important relations and they've uhh -- because, we do share values. And they're universal values they're not American values, or, you know -- European values, they're universal values. And those values – uhh -- being universal ought to be applied everywhere." 6/20. Thus saith th president of th united states while talking with European union dignitaries. how about them values, eh!! They're like, universal, see?

"We look forward to hearing your vision so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm tellin you." gulfport, miss. -- 10/20. I think mebbe he meant "mo bettah". How does one hear a vision?

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." -- denmark 6/29. And he's right, cuz there's nothin quite like sleepin on a good friends soil ta relax one's self. bein th leader of th free world is tiring business. thank god fer th soil of good friends, eh!

"I appreciate my love for Laura." -- washington, 4/20. Ha ha scuuuse me? Say whut?

"I want to thank you for the importance you've shown for education and literacy." -- washington, 4/13. Yeah, let's hear it fer literacy.

Oh, this is a good one,

"Oh you work three jobs? -- Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean that is fantastic that you're doing that." --said to a divorced mother of three in omaha 2/4. Lucky gurl, eh! only in amerika, th land of opportunity.

"But iraq has -- have got people there who are willing to kill, and they're hard nosed killers. And we will work with the iraqis to secure their future." --washington, 2/4. I'm sure that's comforting for those hard nosed killers to know that we're workin ta secure their future.

"It is in our country's interest to find those who would do harm to us, and get them out of harms way." — Hmmm well sure, we wouldn't want any harm ta come to them. And this is th same guy who always says of his critics that they aid and abet the enemy?

and finally this, also in april,

"I can only speak to myself."

Ha ha. Oh, georgie, ur priceless!! SNL couldn't write better material than this. Let's face it, ya jus can't explain away or put any kind of “spin” on stuff like this. These are th utterances of th Village Idiot, and he be's our Leader! god bless him!

th cap't

P.S. I'm afraid georgie makes dan quayle look like a rhodes scholar.



              
              
                 

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