joe dreck
January 3, 2006

Joe Dreck is The Captain...looking forward to a new year
full of people who drink but don't read, joggers, bicycists, culinary delights
and pack wackers

Subject: Th cap't Takes Some HEAT
Tuesday, January 3, 2006 4:09 AM

OK, I'm prolly waay too fucked up now ta be writin this, but whut th hell? I've had a few peoples kinda gettin down on my case bout some of th things I've said bout our Georgie and th trials and tribulations he's goin thru. But, sheeit, fer some reason us common folks do take a bit of pleasure when we catch a glimpse of th powerful caught with their pants down, eh? But like, in Bill Clinton's case, quite literally with his pants actually down. Ha ha Our Deutsche comrades have a word fer it; "Shadenfreude" I believe. To take pleasure in another's mis-fortune.

I also hear from friends of mine who live in Kansas. As ya may know, I do get down on th good peoples of Kansas quite frequently too. It's true, I'll cop ta it. But, sheeit, they bring in down on upon themselves. Their foibles and absurdities are quite easy ta point out, since they seem ta go outta their way to let ya know bout em. And then they say stuff like,

"Yo Cap't, I read your latest piece of shit about Kansas."

and I say,

"Yeah...and like, so whut?"

and they say,

"Yeah! And, like...FUCK YOU!!"

and I say,

"I hear your pain brother." Ha ha

So like, if yer from Kansas and been wantin ta say that ta me, well, some folks already beat ya to it. But looky here ya'll, I jus want ya ta know, that altho I may come down on Bush.....and Kansas.... and Religion..... and lots of other things that some peoples find offensive, that there is absolutely nothing personal in it. Y'know, it's jus th cap't after all. He's kinda like th babblin brook, in that, he does babble too!

My own mother would tell ya, as she does me, that my brain has been so fried on drugs (DA DRUGS DA DRUGS) that all my rantings and ravings are nothing but complete nonsense from a mind so addled by drugs that nothing I say can be taken seriously. Now personally, I say thas Bullshit, and would argue th point til I passed out, but we're all entitled ta our various opinions, eh? She also tells me I'm going to HELL for all Eternity for my Evil godless ways.

Gosh, now, I sure hope she's wrong on that one tho, cuz Eternity seems like a awfully long time ta be punished fer just a few short decades of my brand of Grade C Evil. I mean, among Great Evil Doers of th World, I don't rilly think I would rank up there among th top peoples. I mean, like, all I do Bad is; smoke a bit of dope and question th Existence of a Supreme Being, and make fun of Geo. Bush and Kansas. And thas gonna get me Eternity in Hell?

Is that rilly so Evil as ta condemn me ta everlasting Pain and Unendurable Agony fer all of Time, Forever and ever without end. I ask ya, whut kinda cold, egotistical, self-centered, unforgiving god would act in a manner such as that? Is this Supernatural, All Powerful Being rilly that sensitive??? Ya'd think a Being, powerful enuff ta Create th Earth and th entire Universe, in only six days, mind you, would be psychologically mature enuff ta handle a bit of Doubt, wouldn't ya? Is that perceived slight enuff ta trigger that kinda Extreme Revenge?

I mean, even us primitive, lowly Human Beings got more Compassion than that. We got rules too, but generally we use a bit of common sense, like we don't send peoples to prison fer life fer jaywalking, altho jaywalkin is against th rules. We let a lotta peoples outta prison after having served only mebbe 12-25 years, even tho they may have killed somebody. Sheeit! Hey Jack, I ain't killed no one!! But I'm told I'm lookin at, not jus Life, but ETERNITY! Y'know, like, Time without End. Gimme a break, huh!
Can ya see it all goin down? Like, when they toss me into th hellhole and my cell partner sez,

"Hey yo dude, whut ya in fer?"

and I sez,

"Well, y'know, like, I said I didn't believe in god and I said bad stuff about Kansas, and Geo. Bush.

Y'know, stuff like that."

"I can dig it. So, like, how much Time d'ya get?"

"I got th big Kahuna!…Eternity!"

"Whew! Bummer! Like, I'm doin an Eternity bit myself! Who wuz yer Judge?"


"Oh dude, that figures. He's one tuff Deity. Word on th street is; he got Ice in his veins."

"Yeah, tell me bout it. So like, whut ya in fer?"

"Aw, ain no big thing, They call me A-Dawg. Like, I started a World War, y'know, Big fuckin deal, knowhutahm sayin, iced mebbe 50 million, but, sheeit, they wuz mostly sub-humans. Slavs, Jews, gypsies, y'know, trash like thet, knowhutahm sayin!"

"Well, not my place ta judge I guess. hehe. Looks like we're gonna have lotsa time ta get acquainted eh.

Man! It sure is HOT in this mutherfucker!"

"No shit Sherlock, tell me bout it! Ya think it's bad now, jus wait til summer!"

"Yo bro, ya got a square? They took all mine away."

"Nah, fuggedaboutit dude. They don't allow no smokin here!"

"Oh man, bummer! Sheeit, this gonna be Hell!"

"Ya got that right brutha!! I think yer startin ta get th feel of th place!"

But sheeit, you take yer Compassionate kinda god; th one ya hear peoples talkin bout, s'posin, like, he gave me Eternity with th possibility of parole, say after two hundred million years in Hell. I do my 200 mil and then I come up fer Parole. He wants ta know if I've been Rehabilitated?

He sez ta me,

"OK Chuck! Ya don't mind if I calls ya Chuck, do ya?"

"Nah, no, thas cool! I'm down wit dat."

"So, les see, hmmmm, like, yew were charged with Denying my Existence, right? And ya got Eternity, right, so now yer lookin ta hit th bricks early after only 200 million years, is that correct Chuckie?"

"Yassuh Boss! Yas suh! I done seen th errors of my ways and I done be's rehabilitated fer sure Boss! Im a completely Re-Ha-Bil-I-Tated Dude! 110%"

"OK, So....Chuckie ...ya've had some time ta reflect on it; lemme ask ya you BELIEVE now???"

"Oh yassuh Boss! Yassuh! Ya bet yer Sweet God's Ass I do!! I BELIEVES!"

"Aw'right, aw'right, don't lay it on too thick! OK, I'm gonna let ya off fer th 200 mil ya've already served. I hope ya've learned yer lesson.


And this would be where ya see me leap in th air and click my heels, like they used ta do in th movies but never actually did in real life. But, I'd do it in that case.

Whadda'ya think? Is it so far fetched ta think a Compassionate god might let ya off with only a few hundred million years, instead of ETERNITY fer th Crime of questioning his Existence?!!! Hey Bub, I'm countin on it, cuz, like, I could do th 200 mil standin on my ears, know whut I mean.

th cap't ( godless Being of Evil)

Subject: 2005.... GOODBYE and GOOD RIDDANCE!
Sunday, January 1, 2006 6:25 PM

Y'know folks, there are very few things I'm gonna remember from 2005 with fondness. It was not a very good year. At least not for me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially; it was a Bummer!

All year long, one episode after another, I kept hearing that old saying,

"That which does not kill me only makes me stronger."

If true, and since I'm not dead, ergo, I must be stronger! And so, in light of that, I say to 2006,


th cap't

Subject: Musings of Der Leader from 05'.
Sunday, January 1, 2006 11:43 AM

These were all in saturday's paper. if you should happen ta be a georgie porgie fan all i can say is; they jus shouldn't let th dude out unsupervised in public. he's jus not up to it. and th horror is that we must endure three more years of this babbling buffoon. check im out.

"Wow! Brazil is big." -- after bein shown a map of brazil by its president. 11/06. Altho he is th leader of th free world, that doesn't necessarily mean he knows anything about it. Next, some one will tell him it gets hot in iraq.

"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." -- defending cheney's pre war assertion that we would be welcomed in iraq as liberators. 12/12.Oh mercy!! And they jus keep on welcoming us every single day with more car bombs. Whut happened to th flowers?

"See, in my line of work you have to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to set in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." -- n.y. 5/24.

"The relations with, uhh---Europe are important relations and they've uhh -- because, we do share values. And they're universal values they're not American values, or, you know -- European values, they're universal values. And those values – uhh -- being universal ought to be applied everywhere." 6/20. Thus saith th president of th united states while talking with European union dignitaries. how about them values, eh!! They're like, universal, see?

"We look forward to hearing your vision so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm tellin you." gulfport, miss. -- 10/20. I think mebbe he meant "mo bettah". How does one hear a vision?

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." -- denmark 6/29. And he's right, cuz there's nothin quite like sleepin on a good friends soil ta relax one's self. bein th leader of th free world is tiring business. thank god fer th soil of good friends, eh!

"I appreciate my love for Laura." -- washington, 4/20. Ha ha scuuuse me? Say whut?

"I want to thank you for the importance you've shown for education and literacy." -- washington, 4/13. Yeah, let's hear it fer literacy.

Oh, this is a good one,

"Oh you work three jobs? -- Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean that is fantastic that you're doing that." --said to a divorced mother of three in omaha 2/4. Lucky gurl, eh! only in amerika, th land of opportunity.

"But iraq has -- have got people there who are willing to kill, and they're hard nosed killers. And we will work with the iraqis to secure their future." --washington, 2/4. I'm sure that's comforting for those hard nosed killers to know that we're workin ta secure their future.

"It is in our country's interest to find those who would do harm to us, and get them out of harms way." — Hmmm well sure, we wouldn't want any harm ta come to them. And this is th same guy who always says of his critics that they aid and abet the enemy?

and finally this, also in april,

"I can only speak to myself."

Ha ha. Oh, georgie, ur priceless!! SNL couldn't write better material than this. Let's face it, ya jus can't explain away or put any kind of “spin” on stuff like this. These are th utterances of th Village Idiot, and he be's our Leader! god bless him!

th cap't

P.S. I'm afraid georgie makes dan quayle look like a rhodes scholar.

Subject:Whas up with these flies?
Saturday, December 31, 2005 4:59 PM

Sometimes I feel like I'm amember of th Amityville Horror Show. Am I th only one experiencing this problem? Isthere somthin sinister goin down here in mi casa? I got these big, fat flies buzzin round my house alla time. Don't these dumb fuckers know they were supposed ta evacuate ta th south along with th birds and th iguanas fer th winter?

I got a solution fer em tho. Whut I do with em is: I get em stoned! You can get flies stoned ya know. And they get off real easily. All ya gotta do is blow a bit of smoke their way. When they get high, they can't fly!! No kiddin. Because of a communication barrier, I don't know if they CAN'T fly or whether they jus don't give a shit about flyin, but they get real docile, and all they wanna do is hang out.

Years ago I won some money on a bet in a bar that I could return in ten minutes with a live fly in a one of those tiny bottles that yer coke usta come in. I went out to th car and several of th critters were buzzin bout my windshield. I got em stoned and nudged one into th opening, went back in th joint, opened th cap and tapped him out on th bar.

Whut I do now tho is edge em onto a piece of paper, fold it up, and then I send em on a thrill ride down th toilet. Prolly a bummer trip for em, but whut th hell, they shouldn't have hung around so long. I don't like it when critters overextend their welcome. It's annoying.

th cap't

Subject: RE th Hipness of Me
Saturday, December 31, 2005 4:07 PM

I can't believe that in my previous message citing all my advanced technology devices, I forgot ta mention my newest addition. I wuz remiss.

Thanks to my good friend Dan S. who gave me jus a couple of nites ago a late xmas present, I am stayin abreast of developments in th food prep arena.

Having heard and read about many of my near disasters over th years in th kitchen section of my crib, he gave me a timer so as to help reduce situations where, due to lack of attention on my part, I have burned beyond recognition many food projects I have attempted.

It's a small device and easily portable, so I put it in my coat pocket and set it ta go off several minutes after I went ta my late night joint. It went off with a loud ringing sound, much like an alarm clock. Peoples near me were startled. I jus told em some pesky person wuz tryin ta call me on my cell phone!!

Man, I can't wait ta use it in a real life situation. It's sittin on my stove right this second. It's gonna be soo cool when I'm lying here on th sofa snoozin, and all of a sudden, RING, RING, RING, alerts me that my hot dogs have been fryin away fer five minutes. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO COOL!

Th cap't

P.S. My curent surviving pots and pans will always be grateful ta Dan and remember him fondly.

Subject: Am I Hip, or Am I Not Hip? That is th question?
Saturday, December 31, 2005 2:47 PM

A couple of nites ago I wuz sittin there at th bar contemplatin Life's Mysteries when my friend Julie came over and said she wanted to ask me a question. She said peoples at her table were in a quandry and wanted me to settle their discussion. I secretly grinned cuz peoples sometimes ask me ta settle questions they may have. about this, that, or th other. So I said, "Shoot". She said,

"Do you have a cell phone?"

I wuz a bit taken aback. I'm wonderin if this wuz some kinda trick question? I said, "Whut?? Come again." And she repeated th question, so I said kinda tenatively,


And she almost recoiled in Shock and Surprise. She said th consensus wuz that most of em pegged me fer bein cell-phone-free. I chuckled and made some comment ta th effect that I wuzn't a dinosaur.
OK, so like, if any of youse harbor these same kinda attitudes about me, I wanna make it clear and set th record straight; I am a Hip and Au Courant kinda guy. I am completely up to date in Kansas City.
Lemme give ya a few reasons why I make this claim. I tell ya th following things not in a spirit of braggadocio, but rather in a spirit of enlightenment.

I have a TV (it's color by th way) with a remote station changing system, so I don't havta get up ta change channels any more. I have a VCR, once again with a remote system. I have a DVD which also has a remote system. I have a radio which picks up FM frequencies and I have a land-line telephone which has buttons rather than a circular dial system. Altho I don't have an automated answering machine at this time, I'm workin on bringin that up ta date.

My house is lighted, and also cooled by electricity in th summer and warmed by gas in th winter. I now have indoor plumbing, much to my neighbor's delight. When one has ta relieve oneself, especially in th dead of winter, it's so much more convenient, and more private too!! Which, as I said, my neighbors like.

I have hot and cold running water in my kitchen, along with a Radar Range, (remind me ta tell ya how much fun I had with that gadget a few short years ago after bringin it back from th store and firin it up and zappin everything in sight) my stove works on gas, so no more haulin logs in ta fry up a hot dog and my refrigerator runs on th above mentioned electricity so I have done away with th ice box and cancelled my ice deliveries. I wuz glad to do that cuz I always thought my ice delivery dude wuz a little strange. He wuz always sayin,

"Hey, it's COOL. It's COOL."

No matter whut yer were rappin about, he always found some way ta insert that in th conversation. I think sometimes peoples can get too immersed in their work, know whut ahm sayin.

Altho I do have an electric can opener I seldom use it. I can't quite explain it, but somehow it jus doesn't seem right ta open a can usin an electrical device ta do it. Some might say I'm old fashioned, but I prefer ta think of myself as sort of a “purist,” y'know whut I mean. I did set aside tho my hammer and various chisels and screwdrivers I had been usin, and now I have a device which ya attach ta th can and turn it and it peels that lid right off.

Of course I also have an electric blender now which performs so much better than th manual one I had. I sometimes put milk and ice cream in it and hit th "Go" button and in mere seconds. "Voila!" I have a milkshake. I tell ya; it's incredible!! Th only reason I don't have an electric knife is cuz I'm savin my money so I can buy th whole set, y'know, knife, fork and spoon. All electric.

If ya were ta take a fact findin tour of my crib you would find th usual assortment of devices you'd find in any hip person's pad, like an iron, electric hair dryer, a home sanitation system, and so on. (as a result of sellin Kirbys many years ago I still can't bring my self ta call it a vacuum cleaner)

As far as my cars go they have th usual assortment of bells and whistles like, electric turn signals, radio, heater and even air conditioning, which is nice in th summertime.

I receive mail here at th crib and I also have th newspaper delivered each day.

So boyz and gurlz, are ya startin ta see a picture emerge here? So...OK.... lemme jus sum it all up like this;


I have crossed th Bridge and I'm on th Third Millennium Hiway with th rest of ya, albeit perhaps, bringin up th rear.

th cap't (he's hip)

P.S. In case yer wonderin; yeah I know bout Brad and Jen. And Jessica and that dude, I dunno, whatzis name, she's gettin a divorce from. Like I said folks, I'm up to date In Kansas City and if ya don't believe me; call me on my cell phone sometime!!!

Subject: Kansas
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 4:58 PM

Did'ja happen ta see th lead editorial in Tuesday’s Star? I'm still chuckling over it, but I'm sure if yer from Kansas, yer prolly still seething over it. I wuz actually a bit surprised at th tone, cuz they did have a bit of fun with our Kansan neighbors, as do I on many occassions. But sheeit, I'm not th metroplitan newspaper, I'm jus th cap't and who gives a shit whut I think anyway!!! Bu I wuz with em 100% on this one!

They pointed out how, even tho Kansans are less than one percent of th US population, they somehow garner National attention like no other state. They are constantly in th national news fer one thing after another. They also pointed out tho that this attention they got wuz at their own expense, cus barely does th laughter subside, before they got some other absurd "issue" they're addressin.

Say look here, If ya happen ta be from Kansas and yer travelin around th country and peoples ask where yer from and ya tell em Kansas; brace yerself! I hope yer not thin-skinned and easily offended, cus ya prolly got a few barbs comin yer way. Oh, and by th way, If ya should get a bit defensive, jus a little hint, even tho ya may be burstin with Pride, OK, don't even bother tellin em about Nebraska Furniture Mart.

th cap't

P.S. A Short Message From th Cap't To th Peoples of Kansas;
And don't come out until ya've at least mastered that "FIRE" thing.

Subject: Whut's Next?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 4:16 PM

First we had, "The Great Society" Then we had, "The Great Communicator" Now today we got, "The Great Buffoon".

Like last nite, fr'instance, I happened to come across th show from th Kennedy Center while I wuz flippin bout th channels and I paused ta watch whut I thought wuz Tina Turner doin "Proud Mary" thinkin how good she still looks and then I realised it wuzn't Tina herself, but Beyonce doin a tribute ta her.

Then th camera panned ta th audience and there wuz th Leader hisself, with his trademark goofy-grin smirk, eyes buggin out, clappin his hands, tryin to rock out, but instead, lookin fer all practical purposes like he wuz on furlough from th Asylum fer an evening. Oh boy, wuz he havin fun!! Whut a fookin joke!! I mean, I almost cringed cuz I wuz actually embarrassed fer th dude.

I know he can't help that he wuz born lookin that way, and we shouldn't make fun of im because of it, but ya jus can't help it and when ya see im in situations like that, ya can't help but wonder why his handlers ever let im out in public in un-scripted appearances in th first place? I mean, whut th hell were they thinkin? I know, I know, they want us ta believe he's jus a regular guy whose as down-ta-earth as everybody else, but instead, he comes off lookin like a droolin fuckin Moron!

Every time I see him, I quietly snicker and snort and chuckle and chortle at his antics. But then I hear a loud, booming Cosmic Guffaw, followed by th phrase,

"And guess what ya'll? HE'S THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD!!"followed by more of those cosmic guffaws, and I realise thas th Punch Line from a Joke th Intelligent Designer is playin on us!!!! Boy, what a character, that dude is, eh? Always th Life of th Party!!

But when ya think of it that way, it kinda puts a damper on th whole mirth thing, It's kinda hard to keep laughin. Sometimes I think th Intelligent Designer's kinda got a weird, twisted sense of humor, y'know whut I mean!

th cap't

Subject: An Innovation Solution? Or a Pipedream?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 1:44 PM

As ya know I've written about my suspicions concernin my electro-magnetic field before and th negative impact it has always produced on all things electrical in my near proximity. This accounts fer th life-long problems I've had with light bulbs, generators, altenators, batteries, radios, TVs, steros, etc, th list goes on ad naueeum.

Well, earlier today I received an e-mail from my former wife who told me about a friend's brother who was abducted by aliens when he was younger and has a lot of problems now with his electro-magnetic field also. She said that he uses a pair of pliers that he applies to his forehead to offset th negative effects.

Bein an open minded person, willin to explore possibilities, this strikes me as somthin worth lookin into. There are drawbacks of course, like, I do have some reservations tho. Like, I'm wonderin about th reaction of other shoppers as I stand there at th grocery store with my pliers secured to my forehead with duct tape while i recite th “Ode to the Jabberwocky” while squeezin th tomatoes. But whut th hell, call me a Loon if ya will, but I feel like drastic situations call fer drastic measures. Know whut ahm sayin.

th cap't

Subject: Th Cap't Stays Home
Tuesday, December 27, 2005 2:03 AM

I didn't go out tonite. OK!! Ya got a problem with that? Gimme some slack, eh? It's jus one nite, fr'chrissake. Other peoples stay home and don't gotta explain why, so thas whut I'm doin and I ain't splainin nothin either! So, don't ask, OK!

I lay myself down on th sofa so as ta do some light readin and shortly, POP! Th damned light bulb here on a lamp shot craps on me. I put another one in. About fifteen minutes later, another one went ditto. Damn cursed light bulbs! Or damn th Electricity, or damn Somthin or other. Two of em in fifteen minutes! I get so tired of that. This shit happens alla time. Sheeit. Jus about every time I go to th grocery store, along with th bread and milk, I gotta pick up a 4 pak of light bulbs too. These damn things are supposed ta last 800 hours. BULLSHIT! They aren't good for hardly more than a hundred. Hell, I'd revert back to a lantern, but I can't afford th kerosene. BASTA!

Well anyway, after I cleared up th light situation, I had worked up a fierce appetite changing those bulbs, I decided to do up some beans.

So, I took a large skillet and put a bit of extra, extra virgin, and then virgin some more Olive Oil, layering th bottom of th pan. (btw, jus how virgin can ya get anyway?) Then I took and emptied a large can of Brooke's beans complete with it's bean sauce. I chopped some Onion (without any bloodletting) and added just enuff ta give it a bit of flavor. Then I added some garlic powders, a dash of paprika, some salt and pepper, a taste of cumin and ever so gently, so as not ta bruise anything, I stirred everything together spreadin it evenly about th pan. Ummmm, what a nice aroma.

This time, in order not to repeat a common mistake of mine, which is to turn th heat too high and then, subsequently, burn it, I elected ta go th long, slow way. So I turned th gas down so that there wuz only th very tinniest of flames. Th fire wuz so small ya had ta turn off th lights ta see it. Cool. Not gonna burn up anything here tonite.

Havin completed all those steps, I retired ta my sofa where I live. So, later on this evening, I wuz relaxin here, kickin back, chillin y'know, lying here on th sofa, speed readin Finnigan's Wake, when I heard in th far off distance, jus barely audible, a soft crackling, popping kinda sound and as I kept blastin thru th pages (snicker) I thought ta myself,

"Hmmmm there's somthin about that sound. It sounds so familiar. I've heard that someplace before. But where?"

And then my nose twitched and I became aware of an also familiar aroma, and I thought once again, "Hmmmm, I know that smell too. Whut is that? Like, jus whut th hells goin down here?"

And at this point in time, I scratched my head. I don't know why? I jus did, thas all. Ya ever do that? Scratch yer head when yer puzzled or confused? Who amongst us hasn't eh? Well, anyway, while I wuz scratchin my head, all of a sudden......SUDDENLY.... it hit me hard!!....hit me hard like yesterday's headlines on th "Tongonoxie Republican!!" And I leaped up off th sofa and shrieked,

"Da Beans!! Da Beans!!"

and raced inta th kitchen and wuz confronted with DISASTER! Oooooh no! Once again, it seems I had burned th beans right into th very Being of th skillet. Thas right. In many places they had become, as One. Ya couldn't tell where th skillet ended and th beans began. I uttered lotsa obscenities. Another piece of cooking equipment I gotta throw away. CURSES and SHEEEIT.

But before I threw th skillet and it's contents in th trash, I decided to jus taste th beans and...and...ZOUNDS! They were delicious!! No kiddin; I wouldn't smoke ya! (Ha ha get it?) Some of them were crunchy, others not so much, kinda like th texture of peanuts and so I scraped into a cup whut I could salvage and went back to my sofa and snacked on those rilly well done beans. It wuz quite pleasant cuz they were rilly good. I mean, does anyone sell bags of crunchy beans ya can eat while watchin a game or somthin cuz they made a real tasty snack.

But th thing is; I can't use up a skillet every time jus to get that particular effect again. Mebbe I could put em in th oven on a cookie sheet and bake em to that point? And too, now I gotta figure out a way ta get em ta Market. I wonder if a Super Bowl ad is worth th jack? Will I be plagued with union difficulties? Who and how much will I gotta pay off there ta hear, "No problem, cap't"?

Aw'right. looky here, I gotta go now. I got some issues ta be mulled over. Some problems that need my undivided attention, ya dig, cuz, like, when yer runnin an Empire like I'm gonna be, somtimes ya jus gotta take care of bidness, know whut ahm sayin.

Cap't Hoohah, THE BEAN KING

P.S. Whut do ya think? I mean, is that, "Hoohah The Bean King" thing too over th top? Whut th hell! Colonel Sanders got th Chicken! Why can't th Cap't get th Beans?

Subject: Woodswether Cafe
Sunday, December 25, 2005 5:16 PM

I told ya recently bout eating there this past Friday. This was a little cinder block diner down in th West Bottoms known fer many years fer it's simplicity and th size of its portions. They recently moved to a larger spot. They have a double burger there that is on a bun 6-7 inches across with two giant meat patties (i think it's a lb.) and stacked up with LTO so it's prolly 5 inches high. There's enuff burger there fer prolly three Regular Humans.

But, I forgot ta mention tho whut I thought wuz th most intriguing aspect of th joint. Check this out. On th menu I noticed that many items had an asterisk next ta them. I looked at th bottom of th menu and there wuz this.


I said, "Say whut?" and right below that.... this,


Hmmmm....strange eh? They're warnin ya that ya could die as a result of consumin their offerings.Ya don't usually see this kinda warning on th menu, eh? I guess this is so that if ya should, y'know, like, mebbe croak after partaking of their foods, yer survivors can't claim ya weren't warned about th hazards of eatin in their joint.

But frankly, it jus strikes me as Bad PR myself, y'know whut I mean! Now I'm havin second thoughts about a second visit there? I mean, I like exciting and adventurous activities, but this; I dunno!

th cap't

P.S. Th Woodswether Cafe, 1412 W. 9th, in th West Bottoms. Go ahead, try it. Lemme know whut ya think when ya get outta th ICU.

Subject: More Grist fer th Revolution Mill
Sunday, December 25, 2005 2:21 PM

Friday I got my gas bill. It was $372. In case yer not good with numbers thas,


Now, when ya read that figure, keep in mind I don't live in a mansion on Ward Parkway, OK. I have an average size three-bedroom duplex. So, why in th fuck does it cost me twelve bucks a day to keep my crib at 68 degrees??? Which way ta th barricades?

"Scuse me Sir, but I'm new ta th Revolution. Could ya tell me where they're throwing th rocks and bottles today? And will we be stormin any Utility headquarters or anything like that? Cus I'm sick and tired of this Shit and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!"

th cap't

Subject: Evolution vs Revolution
Sunday, December 25, 2005 2:05 PM

Ya know there's so much controversy right now about Evolution, specially from our neighbors ta th west there, y'know, those Krazy Kansan Kritters. But I'm thinkin, ferget th Evolution nonsense; let's think more about REVOLUTION instead!

We seem ta have a dude in th White House who thinks he was elected ta be th "Supreme Leader" instead of jus merely th President. He seems ta be sufferin from some kinda Napoleon Syndrome Complex.

Now in case anyone's interested, I happened ta have several used barricades left over from th ‘60s that have been stacked up in my garage, next ta that waterfall I bought from th Cleveland Wrecking Yard years ago. (which is fer sale by th foot) They're still in good condition and provide excellent coverage from behind which ta hurl rocks and bottles at th besiegin Authority Figures such as th Riot Po-Lice. If ya might be interested in a package deal, that is, th waterfall and barricades both, I would throw in some flora and fauna fer th falls and some rocks and bottles fer th barricades at no extra charge.

To those who would criticise me fer sellin th barricades and not jus donating em, lemme jus say that while I believe in th Cause, OK, I jus can't shake my Capitalist Beliefs all together. But if ya take a moment ta reflect on it, there's no reason why some one (like myself fr'instance) shouldn't make a few bucks over a little Regime Change. Sheeit, jus ask th good folks at Halliburton. They'll confirm that!
By th way, fer a modest consulting fee I can also do yer signs and banners and create some catchy rhyming slogans suitable fer chanting, Like fr'instance,

"Georgie Porgie,
Georgie Porgie,
Take a fuckin Hike!"
Y'know, cleaver stuff like thet.

Lemme know,

th cap't

Subject: Flags, jus how fookin cool are they anyway?
Saturday, December 24, 2005 9:09 PM

I had several peoples point out to me that th decision to show th penalty flag lying on th ground durin football games actually lies with th directors in th control booth. Well, actually, I knew that, but should have made that clearer, rather than layin th rap on th cameraman.

That director has their choice at any given time of prolly two dozens views, and they pick and choose whichever one of them they want.

But...still, th question remains; WHY?

I mean; whut th fuck is it with that shot they find so fuckin fascinatin?They use it every week, every game, several times!! You can see th thing very clearly. It's bright yellow and it lies there! And sometimes, if yer lucky, there will be a breeze and you can see it flutter a bit. Ohhh man. It don't get any better than that!! Th director there in his control booth is gets all excited and sez,

"Quick. Quick! Air that shot of th penalty flag lying there on th field before some one picks it up godamit. OK now, come in fer a close-up...OK, OK...hold it right there! Hold it........ hold
it......OK,...thas it, cut to cam # 4 now. Whew, man this job can be so stressful sometimes!"

Next thing ya know, th new director, wantin ta make a name fer hisself in th biz, will be showin us instant replays of th flag lying there.

And, by th bye, whut's with those flags on th back of their helmets anyway? Well, hell, ya see em on guyz basketball jerseys, and baseball uniforms, and every damn place. I suppose thas fer th benefit of those peoples out there thinkin,

"Gee, I wonder whut country those guyz are from? Oh wait, look, they mus be Amerikans cuz they gots Amerikan flags on their helmets. Cool!"

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and there wuz a sign on one of th doors sayin, "Please use other door."

and th background of th sign had red and white stripes and white stars on a blue background. Real Patriots runnin that joint obviously. I mean, sheeit, c'mon! Don'cha think some peoples over do that flag thing? This wuz after all, jus a sign askin ya to use th other door, fr'chrissake!!!

th cap't

P.S. By th way, I hope you all did yer part in th War on Terrorism by goin out and maxin out yer credit cards this year holiday season. By goin out and buyin lotsa "stuff" we can demonstrate ta th terrorists that we stand strong and united here in th Consumer States of Amerika and we're not about to give up our right ta make th Chinese Commies Rich! So, open up yer wallets and grab that plastic while hummin th Star Spangled Banner.

"Yeah, gimme that electric spoon there. Hell, gimme a dozen!" In yer Ear Osama!!

Saturday, December 24, 2005 7:57 PM

And ya'll have a good night!!!

th cap't

Subject: Why?
Saturday, December 24, 2005 1:12 PM

I'm watchin th Chief's game right now. Whut I'm wonderin is; why th cameramen choose to show us close-ups of th yellow flag lying on th field? I mean, after a penalty, they zoom in on it and hold th shot fer 4 or five seconds? So we sit there and watch a yellow flag lying on th ground, motionless, fer several seconds? I wanna know why? It's absurd,

OK. Knock it off!!!

th cap't

Subject: Callin St. Anthony....Over... Come in St. Anthony!
Monday, December 19, 2005 12:10 PM

Every now and then one needs ta get in touch with St. Anthony. I've told ya bout him before, but in case ya've forgotten, St. Anthony is th "Patron Saint of Lost Things". And here's th good thing; ya don't have ta be a Catholic ta utilise his services. He is completely non-discriminatory. It don't matter whether you be's black/white/guy/gurl/mexican/irish/muslim/jewish/protestant...y'know, whatever...he's down with that. But one caveat; ya don't be askin him every time ya happen ta misplace somthin insignificant. Ya gotta deal with those trivial things yerself. Ya don't wanna be botherin him with th small stuff, cuz, like, ya don't wanna wear out yer welcome, Dig!

Tony (and I can call im that, cuz we go back a long ways; I've been dealin with im fer as long as I can remember) will assist ya in yer serious searches. However if ya should call on him for th first time I would be a bit more circumspect and use his proper title as a show of respect. I'm sure he would appreciate that and be more likely ta give ya a helping hand. But, anyway, Tony helps ya find things ya've lost. And he's good at it too. There's none better.

Like, jus last week I Iost my shades. Now see, normally I buy my frames from thrift stores and such. 15 bucks maybe fer frames, 75 bucks fer lenses (prescription) and fer 90 bucks a nice pair of glasses. These particular glasses tho, I bought at an optical shop. They were pretty unusual in their shape and design. They set me back 650 bucks! Thas more than I've spent on glasses in th last 30 years when they came up missin, I was pretty perturbed. Y'know whut I mean.

I searched my crib throughly. I then searched my ride; under th seats, glove compartment, back seats, in between th seats, floorboards, everywhere. I went back and searched th crib again. I looked everywhere... and then I looked everywhere again. I repeated th whole process, over and over. Nada! I did this fer three days. I wuz bummed out cuz I wuzn't about ta spend that kinda jack again ta replace em. Finally I thought,

"Hmmmmm.... this looks like a case fer St. Anthony."

Here's another good thing bout Tony. He's very informal. Like, ya don't gotta prostrate yerself, or sacrifice yer first born. or even any animals or anything like thet. Fr'instance, when I called on im, I jus happened ta be usin th 'facilities' at th time. So I sez ta im,

"Yo Tony, it's me, th cap't. Yeah. How's it hangin bro? Say, listen, I've gone and lost my shades. Y'know, th weird lookin ones. I know yer prolly pretty busy and all but I sure would appreciate a little help here if ya get a chance. OK. Check ya later dude."

Thas all there wuz to it see. Aw'right, so about three hours later I wuz drivin along and I noticed there was an ad fer KFC lyin on th passenger side of th floor. I reached down ta pick it up and throw it away...and yeah, you guessed it...there were my shades lyin right there under it!!! I laughed out loud cuz I had searched th car throughly several times. I chortled some more and said,

"Ha ha Yo Tony! Yer a trip!!! Yer tooo much. Ya know that!!"

And, th strange thing about all this is that I don't pray ta anybody any more!! I mean, lke, Nobody! Sheeit, I gave up prayin ta St Jude as a "lost cause" many years ago. haha (St, Jude, th Patron Saint of Lost Causes) But I've never given up on St. Anthony, cus, like, he produces!!

I told a couple of friends about Tony findin th glasses that I'd been bitchin about fer several days and they jus kinda rolled their eyes. Lotsa peoples are sceptical when I extol th virtues of St. Anthony and hell, I don't blame em one bit, cuz on th surface it all appears pretty damned silly. I'm hip ta that!

So, in one of those small co-incidences, last nite I wuz readin a book on magic and in it th author related a conversation she had with a lady who told her about a friend who had lost her wedding ring and so th lady hipped her friend ta Saint Anthony. Th lady called on S.A. and subsequently found her ring shortly thereafter. Th lady told th author that th bad thing was; that now her friend believed in St. Anthony! Th author, somewhat surprised at that statement, asked her if She believed in St. Anthony?

And th lady said "No". Th author then asked her why she had then told her friend ta call on him, if she didn't believe in him herself? Th lady replied,


Thas th way it is with me.

th cap't

Subject: A Morality Fable from Yellow Cab Land
Friday, December 16, 2005 1:02 PM

I wuz rappin with a buddy last nite talkin bout some of th shit that had happened over th ten years I drove my cab and I recalled this caper.

Since I wrote this seven years ago you may perhaps have read it before.

If so, excuuuuse me! My apologies. In any case I called this tale:
"Karmic Kickback" ******************************************
Sept. 29, 98'

Yesterday, I picked up this guy from St. Luke's hospital. He was gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that you unnerstand) He had been in the hospital for a week. His hand was infected as a result of getting mugged.

It seems he was walking along Main on his way to the laundromat, carrying a duffel bag in his right hand and four dollars in his left, when the perp (who says you can't learn anything from watching TV) came up behind him and tried to snatch his money from out of his hand.

The gay guy, deciding, I guess, that his laundry was not to be denied, refused to give it up, and in the ensuing struggle, the thief bit him, hard and deep on th fleshy part of his hand, causing the victim to relinquish the cash. (This severe bite also caused his hand to subsequently become infected, thus sending him to the hospital, where I picked him up)

The thief ran down 36th street laughing all the way. Prolly still laughing about it.

HOWEVER.......the Moral Of This Story is,


even though he may have four dollars in it which you would like to have for your very own. Don't do it!! You'll be sorry!

If only we could congratulate that young man on his score and say to him, while trying to maintain a

straight face,

"Yo, brotherman, ENJOY that four dollars because, believe me, you earned it dude!!"

I would find this Most Amusing. One of these days, at some time or another, a doctor is likely to tell him he has AIDS, and he will drive himself Crazy trying to figure out how THAT happened? I doubt he'll remember that particular mugging tho as a cause. Ha ha

Subject: Another One of Life's Mysteries
Monday, December 12, 2005 3:43 PM

Like, this is confusing to me. Before I put my dishes in th dishwasher I have ta wash em off. Then, often, when they're through, I have ta wash em off again. In light of this, my question is: jus exactly whut th fuck is it that th dishwasher is supposed ta do anyway? Dishwasher!

Whut is it good for? My thoughts:


Mebbe th Shadow knows!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Elusive Quest For Fame
Monday, December 12, 2005 2:59 PM

Curses! A pox on th Star! Those mangy curs reneged on their promise to publish my views about Joe Vitt's statement on th performance of his rookie quarterback three weeks ago. It was supposed to be in yesterday's paper, but in fact, it wasn't. Now, I hear th snide and derisive whispers of folk as I pass by.

I ordered an extra 300 copies delivered to my crib so as to be able to supply my friends and associates with special autographed copies fer only five bucks apiece. Sheeit. Now, whut am I gonna do with em?

Anybody out there need a couple of Sunday Dec. 11 papers? I'm lettin em go fer a limited time; two fer a quarter. Whut th hell, make that ten fer a quarter!!

Meanwhile, if yer lookin fer me, I'll be under my kitchen sink hatchin new plans ta take a trip down that Path ta Glory.

th cap't

P.S. By th way, that rookie quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, th Whiz from Harvard; th one coach Vitt was so enthralled about; well, he threw FIVE INTERCEPTIONS in th Rams loss yesterday to th Vikings. Looks like his Path ta Glory got kinda muddy too, eh!

Subject: Chicken Pot Pies, Mustard, Aspirin, Mufflers, and Toy Stores Too.
Friday, December 9, 2005 7:38 PM

Th cap't, in his on-going mission to raise th Consciousness of th peoples of th Earth, shares some of his discoveries based on his years investigating th vagaries of our existence. (whut th hell does that mean?)


Hey ya'll, I jus finished eatin a chicken pot pie by Stouffers. Go that way. OK. Thas yer path. Take my word fer it. Th creamy chicken gravy in th Stouffers is as good as it gets, plus th quality ingredients make it a pot pie lover's delight. Forget th rest. Specially Marie Callenders. Overpriced, twice th preparation time and no flavor; well not th kinda flavors ya wanna write granny about anyway.

Aw'right, th next thing I wanna tell ya about here is....MUSTARD! Like a lotta peoples, as ya struggle ta make enuff jack ta fill yer gas tank, yer prolly not givin much thought ta this, are ya? No, prolly not. But it's th savins on these small ticket items that can add up.

Ya go into yer local food emporium and stroll down th condiment isle and without a whole lotta thought, prolly pick up a jar of French's or Kraft, or perhaps ya might go Froggie and snatch a jar of Dijon. If ya do; yer makin a mistake. Ya've been brainwashed. Ya've been manipulated. Ya've been exploited. Yer actin like an Automaton.

Next time, I suggest ya ta try th Best Choice brand. You'll be glad ya did, see, cuz like, it's cheaper fer one thing! But it also delivers a sharper, “bite” then th more expensive brands. With Best Choice, like so many other generic foods, as opposed ta th name label brands, ya get th same product that goes into th name labels, and in this case, actually tastes mo bettuh. It mus be some little tweak in th formula.

Take yer aspirin. Aspirin is aspirin. Got that? And remember; ya heard it here first. Now if ya wanta delude yerself and buy St. Joseph's cuz ya think that mus be a better aspirin than a bottle of generic aspirin, yer wastin yer money, cuz it's all aspirin. Aspirin by any other name is still aspirin. See whut I mean!

Looky here, in th Culture of th 20th Century we were led ta belive that a higher price meant better quality. Balderdash! Not necessarilly so. One wuz brainwashed ta believe that if a product cost more than a similar one, it must be better, otherwise, why would it cost more, eh? And so, when ya make that kinda decision, ta buy th more expensive name label brand, some one, some where is cackling and runnin their hands together gleefully, goin, "Gotcha!!!"

Need brake or muffler repair? Go ta Pro Brake & Muffler at 77th and Wornall. They will treat ya right and won't pad yer bill with unnecessary work that doesn't need fixin. I needed a muffler fer my caddy. Two different places were quotin me figures from $350 to $400 to replace em. At Pro Brake, instead of replacing em, they simply cut out th offendin part and welded a new section in. Cost: 75 bucks!!! See, most places don't do that kinda stuff any more. If a part is defective; they don't fix em, they replace em!!

Years ago, if yer generator simply needed a new part, like brushes fr'instance, they replaced em. Today they call an auto parts store, tack on an extra 20-30 % and put on a new one, or else put a used one on and still charge ya fer a new one. That $190.00 repair could have been fixed fer 15 bucks.

No one repairs anything any more. If it breaks, throw it away and buy another one. It's called Consumerism. It's th Engine that runs our Society. It's part of th woof and warp of our Culture. It's who we are. Look at th paper any day and see th reports on how we're spendin this year fer Christmas. Th figures are right there every day comparin this year ta last year, and ta years past. Thas so we know how we're doin. Remember how, after 9/11, when we all felt so helpless? We all wanted ta do somethin! So whut did th Authorities tell us? Whut could we as individuals do th help fight th war on Terrorism? Their answer;


Ha ha, thas right!!


cUZ, Otherwise, th terrorists win!

OK so this year, if ya wanna fight th terrorists, instead of goin ta Toys R' Us, instead go to th Brookside Toy and Science Store on 63rd Street. Ya will surely find somethin there fer ur boyfriend/gurl/friend, husband/wife/son/daughter. They simply have th best and neatest stuff in town. Supposin yer meth lab is not up ta snuff; they got a whole wall full of glass beakers, and burners of all sizes and shapes. Upgrade yer operation with some new equipment and reduce th rsk of those pesky explosions. Also, many of these same items can be easily converted inta very nice glass bongs. Add a little decal ta personalise it.

I'm tellin ya, this store jus has th neatest things. When I wuz a kid ya might get four colored wooden blocks for a present, Th red one could be th choo-choo train and th green one could be th railroad station and th yellow one might be a car waitin fer th train ta go by and th train would make sounds, like, chu chu chu chu. Now, they got an exact replica of an old steam engine train complete down ta th rivets on th engine. Kids today don't even know what a train sounds like. Today, one asks th philisophical question,

"Like, whut is th sound of th train, if there are no trains?"

Aw'right, so, like, when ur done there at th toy store, go next door ta Windows of th World. Lookin fer an Action Figure doll? Ferget Spiderman and others of his ilk. Instead this year pick up an Action figure doll of Jane Austen, Freud, Einstein, Alexander th Great, Cleopatria, a Barrista, an old cat lady complete with six cats, Sherlock Holmes, Edgar Allen Poe, and many others. Let yer kid be th only one on th block ta get an Issac Newton action figure fer xmas. He'll be th envy of all th other kids. Ferget Wonder Woman fer ur little angel; give her Jane Austen instead.

OK boyz and gurlz, start yer engines! Let's all get out there and CONSUME!

th cap't

Subject: Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 9:15 PM

Ever since I wuz a young kid, I've had a DREAM, yeah, I've had a dream.... that Someday.... I would be SOMEBODY.... that Someday I would enter inta th ranks of th FAMOUS, and now, at last, at lonnng last, that day draws near. And so it seems, our Dreams Do come true.

Y'see, a few days ago I wrote about coach Joe Vitt of St. Louie saying that his quarterback's performance had been th equivalent of Kennedy's assassination. I thought that wuz a bit of an exaggeration. Th idea struck me as abso-fuckin-lutely Ridiculous! I questioned whether, in th Scheme of Things, th play of a quarterback in a football game equaled th Assassination of a World Leader! So I sent in to th Star basically whut I wrote you. Yesterday, they called to see if I would permit them to run it in th Letters Dept. of th Sports Section, and I agreed, and so they tell me it will be there Sunday.

Perhaps yu've heard this before but Andy Warhol once said,

"In the Future, everyone will be famous for Fifteen Minutes."

He said further,

"Jus remember; ya heard that from me, Andy Warhol, and in th Future, ya can quote me on that. Ad Nauseum if ya wanta."

Hey ya'll, guess whut; my Fifteen Minutes approacheth. Some of us jus havta wait longer than others. In my case, it took 64 years!! But sheeit, no matter! Let th celebrations begin. Bring on th vino and th dancin gurls. Have my limo washed and polished as I get ready to enjoy my Fifteen Minutes of Fame. (per Andy Warhol, see above)

But gee, y'know that my lifelong dream is about to unfold, I'm not quite sure how to handle it? I don't like to admit it, but I'm havin some doubts bout whether Fifteen Minutes is gonna be long enuff ta satisfy my quest fer Fame? I mean, is there some way I might get a five or ten minutes extension on that? Who would I talk to about that? When I'm up there, in th limelight, center stage, and a nameless voice from out of th void sez ta me,

"Aw'right, yer Fifteen Minutes is up bub, exit stage left."

And I say,

"But, but wait, wait a minute. Are ya sure? Cuz, like, I don't think fifteen minutes has transpired yet. I mean, like, I jus got here Ace. I think I still got some time left."

And he sez in a gruff, no-nonsense kinda voice,

"Hey buster, Move yer ass! Right now! We got a lotta other peoples who are waitin fer their Fifteen Minutes, Yew had yer shot, but now yer jus chaff in th wind. Unnerstan! So, like, get th fuck outta here!"
Well y'know, they say nothin lasts forever, but Fifteen Minutes? Sheeit. Gimme a break, thas not even close to “forever” is it? How then does one cope? Afterwards I mean. Y'know, one minute, yer King of th Hill, th next, yer jus Joe Nobody again. Do they have support groups fer has-beens? For those of us who have used up our Fifteen Minutes? Will I havta stand up and confess ta th group,

"My name is th Cap't and I wuz Famous once, but now I'm jus pissin in th wind and nobody gives a rat's ass."

Y'know whut, Naah, th more I think about it, I'm thinkin; Fuck Andy Warhol. He can take his Fifteen Minutes and shove em up his ass! (how would one go about that? somthin ta think about, eh)

Y'know somthin boyz and gurlz; they were right, cuz there ain't no fuckin rose gardens around here. SIGH

th cap't

P.S. "Fifteen Minutes"! Sheeit, I've said it before; don't use this trite overdone cliche! And if ya happen to see Andy Warhol; poke im in th eye with a sharp stick, no wait, poke im in both eyes, and stick some pencils in his ears, and cut out his tongue and burn im with some cigarettes......and, well, jus use yer imagination

Subject: Random Thoughts Bout This n' That
Monday, December 5, 2005 8:23 PM

Did'ja see in last week's paper where Bill Waris, local political hack, went fer sentencing in Federal Court on some shenanigans he wuz involved in. There were numerous friends and relatives in attendance to speak up on his behalf. They were there ta attest ta his Good Character and his numerous Acts of Charity and Good Will towards his fellow Man, and/or Woman.

After readin whut a few of them said bout him, I got th impression they were tryin ta make a case fer Cannonization of him no less! I mean, this prick wuz nothin short of “saintly” accordin to throngs gathered. But th biggest asshole of all th peoples there ta plead fer clemency wuz his brother, Father Gerald Waris, who asked th Court to allow him ta serve his brother's sentence for him.


Whut a grandstandin, phony-ass, hollow, meaningless offer that wuz!! I mean, In th history of this country.... NO ONE... has EVER been allowed to serve some one else's sentence.(durin th Civil War there were ways a person could get another ta serve his Army duty, but we're not talking bout that here) I would have loved to see th expression of Shock and Dismay on th good father's face tho if th Judge had said,

"Aw'right, Faddah, ya got yerself a deal. Th court accepts yer offer ta be butt-fucked fer th next five years in a Federal Prison. Bailiff, remove th prisoner."

Considerin th state of th Catholic clergy these days, that woulda been kinda Ironic Justice, eh? Ha ha.

But... I'm thinkin Father Gerald woulda been hemmin' and hawin' and sputterin and stutterin and sayin, like, "Bu....bu.... but yer Honor, whoa hoss, Whoa!! Like, I didn't mean that literally, ya'dig? hehe.....y'know, like it wuz only a phony, insincere effort on my part ta show ya th depth of my feelins fer my brother. But I mean, sheeit, if I'd known ya would actually take me serious, I wouldn't even have shown up here today."

But, luckily fer Father Gerald, and since it has Nerver happened before, th Judge didn't take him up on his offer. Oh well, I guess it's th thought that counts, eh?

In last Thursday's paper there was an article about a 44 y/o woman who wuz convicted of usin th computer in her office at th Dept. of Health and Human Resources ta promote her prostitution business. She said at her sentencing,

"I am a good person who made bad choices and it will never happen again."

Gee, have ya ever heard that one before? Ha ha. Th "bad choices" bit? I guess it mus work tho, cus even murderers talk bout makin some bad choices. It would serve ya well to remember it, jus in case some day ya find yerself standin there in front of Hiz Honor and he asks ya if ya got anything ta say before he pronounces sentencing.

Also in that same edition there wuz an article about th teachers at Central High School who staged a "sick out" ta protest Superintendent Bernard Taylor's decision ta allow a student ta return ta school after they found a Taser on im. Mr Taylor's response to critics of his decision,

"If we put them out, lock them up, refer to them as thugs and treat them as such, who will be in our schools?" he said.

Har, Har. (th guffaws are mine)

"Who would be in our schools?" Ha ha.

Good question indeed. Oh lordy, thas an interestin take on th situation, ain't it!!

Is this a good example of why this fucker makes almost two hundred large a year?

OK, also in that very same Thursday paper (boy that wuz a good day) we find this gem in th Sports section. Joe Vitt, interim coach fer th St. Louie Rams on his young rookie quarterback's yardage against Houston last week. It wuz th THIRD biggest of an NFL quarterback in his FIRST game!! Ya might wanna read that again to let th Enormity of his accomplishment set in. Once again, it wuz th third largest amount of yards in a rookies first game!! Whut a stat, huh!! LIke, WOW! Well anyway, Coach Vitt said of his performance,

"I know, It's unbelievable! It's like th Kennedy assassination."

Whut is unbelievable here is this fuck-nut coach equates his rookie's first game performance in a meaningless football game to th Assassination of a President!! It wuz that awesome!! Oh Well, sheeit, it was th third best!!! Thas about th equivalent of an assassination, ain't it.

These are all good examples of th kinda Values we hold dear and are tryin ta promote ta th Ignernt, backward peoples of th rest of th World. And we scratch our heads and wonder,

"Why do they hate us?"

th cap't

Subject: Moon Watch
Monday, December 5, 2005 3:58 AM

OK ya'll, you may recall about a week ago I mentioned th ways and lengths that peoples in th entertainment bidness go ta show us this overdone, utterly trite image constantly. It's th same fookin assholes who keep remindin us that Andy Warhol said that,

"In th Future, every one will be famous for fifteen minutes."

OK now, boyz and gurlz, remember that tonite is Monday Nite Football. I want ya ta watch it and see if they don't show us a completely meaningless shot of th moon sometime durin th broadcast. If this trend persists it wouldn't surprise me if, in th future, we are shown this image about every fifteen minutes. Th question lingers tho; WHY?

th cap't

P.S. Altho there are those who have told me to lighten up on this issue, to not push it, to BACK OFF!!!! Fuck em! Like Geraldo Rivera, I am not ta be deterred by threat and intimidation until I have discovered and exposed their hidden Agenda. There is a explanation behind it and I intend ta ferret it out. As usual I will share my findings with you first, before releasing th information to th general public.

Subject: Vanishing Species; Another Critter Gone Extinct?
Friday, December 2, 2005 4:38 PM

I'm talkin' here about the Crips and th Bloods. Where did they go? Y'knowwhut ahm sayin! I mean, whut happened ta those guys? They were here one minute: and then they were gone!

They used ta be everywhere. y'knowwhut' ahm sayin! They were on th cover of Time, Newsweek, 60 Minutes, etc, etc, It seemed as though they were on th verge of takin over th entire country, y'knowwhut ahm sayin!

And now, I don't hear shit about em anymore, cept for Tooky Williams, whose got a date with th Grim Reaper comin up in a few days.

Are they selling insurance now? Have they all retired and moved ta John Knox Village? Gone fishin? Should I mebbe look fer em under or something?

I guess I'm just kinda nostalgic cause, I miss em! Y'knowwhut' ahm sayin! Th turf wars, th drive-bys, th crack kingdoms, th initiation rituals, th slang, y' know, th dissin' and th datten. Hey look, th next time ya happen ta come across one of these dudes at th real estate office, or Starbucks, or mebbe pickin up a bottle of Perrier and some organic lentils at th local herbal store, tell em fer me,

"Yo brutha, de capm, he say, sup?"

th capt

Subject: RE: Th Iguana Tragedy
Friday, December 2, 2005 1:49 PM

Hey you know whut? This is for those of you who wonder if th cap't has lost it. Check this out. A buddy of mine wrote me this earlier. so....mebbe I wuzn't hallucinatin after all.

Fri, Dec 2, 2005, 7:54am
To: Charley,

I believe ya,

I have a girl friend that lives on the 58th block of Kenwood (just a few blocks east of the Brookside Blvd.). She has (had?) a big old Iguana that she's been trying to get rid of.. She is getting ready to sell the house, and she doesn't want to move the creature to her new (smaller) place. It might have ether escaped, or got the


I rest my case.

(I hate it when peoples use this trite cliche. Don't do it)

th cap't

Subject: RE: Night of th Iguana
Thursday, December 1, 2005 9:01 PM

OK, I've had several peoples question my sanity (again) over whut they refer to as my "alleged sighting" and mangling of an Iguana early this morn.

You may recall a few months ago when I told ya bout th badger runnin outta my garage. I let some peoples convince me that whut I saw, wuz in fact, a groundhog, rather than a badger. After some discussions I could see where they were prolly right.

This however is a different matter. In spite of th doubting Thomas's, I still maintain I ran over an iguana. I have seen th iguana before. I know whut he looks like. Several years back I wuz down there in yer Costa Rica where upon several occasions I had th opportunity of seein th iguana up close.

Like, fr'instance one night we were in Jaco Beach, mingling with th natives, partakin of beverages and generally getting wrecked, I went back to our room there on th beach, and opened th door to see an Iguana about two and a half feet long jus loiterin about. My buddy was already there, (th wuss couldn't hang) drunkenly racked out, blissfully unaware of our un-invited guest. After I managed to get his iguana-ass outta Dodge, I wuz unable ta get ta sleep fer some time, wonderin how he had managed ta get in there in h first place and if others of his kind might be visitin us durin th night,

Now, look here, I have lived many places in my Life where th Cucurachas and th Mices roamed, oft times right over moi, but th idea of an iguana scuttlin across my bod kept Morpheus at bay that night.

OK.... th point bein simply; I know th iguana and I know whut he looks like and I know whut I saw. Now tryin ta explain how that dude happened ta be in th middle of Brookside Blvd. in KC in November and how/why I wuz th instrument of his demise is somthin else. If yer lookin fer an answer, ask th gods, cus I got nothin!!

th cap't

Subject: A Vision! Or Whut?
Thursday, December 1, 2005 2:18 AM

I wuz drivin down yer Brookside Blvd. on my way ta th Fred P. Otts joint in th Plaza jus a few minutes ago when a strange thing happened. I wuz drivin south, when in front of me, in th headlights wuz an Iguana!!

Yeah, a fookin Iguana!!

My first thought wuz, if ya might be wonderin whut I wuz thinkin? Like, whut wuz goin thru my mind at h time wuz,

"Wha....? Whut th fuck is this? I thought all th Iguanas had already headed south fer winter quarters."

He wuz standin there lookin directly at me, straight in th eye, in a defiant kinda way, as I approached, in an almost challenge, defyin me to squash him. When I realised he wuzn't gonna boogie outta th way, in order not ta run over him/her, and since I had no time ta stop, I went right over him, right between th wheels. But unfortunately fer him/her, my car doesn't have much clearance, and, well, like, I heard a loud, sickening, "WHAP!".

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him/her in their death throes, thrashing around and stuff. I quickly looked around, ta see if there were any witnesses, and seein none, made my get-a-way. It wuz with a heavy heart I put a heavy foot ta th pedal and got th fuck outta there right pronto.

I felt bad, of course, y'know, like, when ya run over any kinda dumb animal, like, a jogger, fr'instance, but, sheeit, closin time wuz loomin, and I had places ta go, peoples ta see, appointments ta keep. more beers ta drink. And besides, it wuzn't my fault. Th fucker jus stood there, and made no effort ta get outta th way. It wuz like he/she used me as an instrument ta check them self out.

Now, somewhere, in Central America, an iguana family is anxiously awaitin th return of their loved one from Los Estados Unidas, not knowin that he/she wuz run over and kilt by a drunken Gringo, who didn't even stop, but jus callously drove on ta th next saloon, where he would prolly make jokes bout one less illegal immigrant ta worry bout.

But of course, we know it didn't happen that way. We know this drunken Gringo will not easily sleep tonight.

But, sheeit ese, then on th oter hand, it's time ta move on now. Time ta get on with our life, and time ta get on down before th dreaded, "last call" sounds. Ya know whut I mean!!

th cap't

P.S. Perhaps when I wake up on th morrow, I will realise, that it didn't rilly happen after all, that it wuz all jus a bad trip, like, jus some collateral damage of th bummer brown acid.

Subject: Bad Cliche! Bad Cliche!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 11:41 AM


I hate this. I've been listening ta peoples quote this for 35 years. Fuckin Andy Warhol! Why couldn't he jus keep his goddam thoughts ta himself? Sheeit. It's impossible to go for a week without reading, or hearing some one say this. And they've been doin it fer years and years and years without let up. It wuz in Saturday's paper twice in different articles; then I heard some talking head on th TeeVee use it. Thas three times in jus one day fer those of ya who are counting. It's as ubiquitous as th asshole reporters asking peoples,

"What was going thru your mind at the time? What were you thinking?"

And it really pisses me off when they note that Andy Warhol made this observation. Well, fuck yes!! Unless ya've been off-planet th past 35 years, you know that already. I think even th Yanomani's in th Brazilian rain forest know that. So, why do they have to fuckin tell us alla time that Andy said that? We already know that, goddamit!!!

Looky here, you can help stop this mindless repetition of this waaay overdone cliche by carrying a sharp stick with ya, and when some vacuous twit sez this; poke em in th eye!!! Thas right!! Real good! After demonstratin yer unwillingness to tolerate that kinda tripe any more, peoples around ya will be more circumspect in their utterances. Until eventually, only welders and cops in riot gear will say that.

And speakin of vacuous twits; this is unbelievable, I also saw this in Saturday's paper.

"CRAWFORD, TEXAS---------Anti-war demonstrators, back to protest during President Bush's holiday vacation, unveiled a stone monument Friday with the words, "Sheehan's Stand" in honor of the woman who inspired their efforts."


Hey, look, I dig th message, OK; got no problema there, I jus hate th Messenger. This ego maniacal, publicity-hound jus grates on my nerves. Forget th grievin mom bit. Her circus isn't even about th war any more, It's more about CINDY SHEEHAN, THE MOM-MARTYR now. If she is th best th anti-war movement can come up with ta present their views, they're in trouble.

Besides havin nothin ta say but some slogans, th woman is jus plain fuckin stoopid in my opinion. Hey, can ya imagine whut it would be like to see Cindy and George square off in a debate. Ha ha. Oh man!!! Th laffs those two bozos could generate?

I think Cindy's problem is that once she got her fifteen minutes of fame, in th good ol Amerikan tradition, she said,


Shut th fuck up huh! Go home and knit somthin. But thas not gonna happen. You watch. This fookin nit-wit will be runnin fer some kinda public office before she's done. And some equally ignernt peoples will elect her too.

Where's my Vomit Bag?

th cap't

Subject: Cap't Hoohah, Sleuth and PI Investigates, "th Case of th Missing Eggs"
Saturday, November 26, 2005 5:02 PM

Earlier today, I decided to fix myself a couple of eggs. I jus bought a six-pak yesterday. I hadn't had any eggs for many months. I wuz eagerly lookin forward to em.

Th carton struck me as a bit light when I took em outta th fridge, and then to my shock and dismay, when I opened th package there were only four eggs there. Well, that explained why th carton felt so light, but I wondered; whut in th hell happened to th rest of th eggs? I said ta myself

"Whut th fu....?"

Whut happened to my eggs? Where are they? Why did those assholes sell me a six-pak that only contained four eggs? I got my calculator out and determined I wuz TWO eggs short! Sheeeit.

I started planning my tirade to th store manager in my head. I wuz gonna give im a piece of my mind. Sheeeit, whut kinda grocery operation they runnin anyway? Can't even give ya a proper count on yer eggs?

Whut's up with that?

While all this wuz runnin thru my head I took two eggs out and got my favorite fryin pan outta th fridge. I wuz scrapin some kinda meat stuff off em when I perceived somethin wuzn't right. I looked closer. There wuz egg residue there. On my fryin pan. Usin certain techniques I gleamed from some CSI shows, I wuz able ta determine that th egg residue wuz less than 24 hours old.

"Hmmm", I thought.This is suspicious. I am missing two eggs: There is egg residue on my skillet. Zounds!This could be a clue.

I "Hmmmmm", some more.

I see two possible scenarios here,

One: While I wuz racked out last night a very skilled cat burgular silently slithered into my crib and slipped two eggs right out of th carton and then carefully put th carton back where it wuz. Th whole time I'm doin th Z thing. Zonked, y'know. other possibility,

Two: I ate th fuckin eggs in a drunken stupor.

Now, between th two possibilities there is quite a lot of precedence for Scenario # 2. This eating of things early in th morn with no recollection th next day has been done before. But...I refuse to make a Rush to Judgement. This happens quite frequently, oft times leavin egg on some faces.

I am going to continue to look into th matter and weigh th evidence. I will, of course keep you informed of any new developments that might, y'know, like, develop.

th cap't, PI


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