joe dreck
November 27, 2005

Joe Dreck is The Captain...always planning a more
peaceful tomorrow
Email Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: Cap't Hoohah, Sleuth and PI Investigates, "th Case of th Missing Eggs"
Date:
Saturday, November 26, 2005 5:02 PM

Earlier today, I decided to fix myself a couple of eggs. I jus bought a six-pak yesterday. I hadn't had any eggs for many months. I wuz eagerly lookin forward to em.

Th carton struck me as a bit light when I took em outta th fridge, and then to my shock and dismay, when I opened th package there were only four eggs there. Well, that explained why th carton felt so light, but I wondered; whut in th hell happened to th rest of th eggs? I said ta myself

"Whut th fu....?"

Whut happened to my eggs? Where are they? Why did those assholes sell me a six-pak that only contained four eggs? I got my calculator out and determined I wuz TWO eggs short! Sheeeit.

I started planning my tirade to th store manager in my head. I wuz gonna give im a piece of my mind. Sheeeit, whut kinda grocery operation they runnin anyway? Can't even give ya a proper count on yer eggs?

Whut's up with that?

While all this wuz runnin thru my head I took two eggs out and got my favorite fryin pan outta th fridge. I wuz scrapin some kinda meat stuff off em when I perceived somethin wuzn't right. I looked closer. There wuz egg residue there. On my fryin pan. Usin certain techniques I gleamed from some CSI shows, I wuz able ta determine that th egg residue wuz less than 24 hours old.

"Hmmm", I thought.This is suspicious. I am missing two eggs: There is egg residue on my skillet. Zounds!This could be a clue.

I "Hmmmmm", some more.

I see two possible scenarios here,

One: While I wuz racked out last night a very skilled cat burgular silently slithered into my crib and slipped two eggs right out of th carton and then carefully put th carton back where it wuz. Th whole time I'm doin th Z thing. Zonked, y'know.

OR....th other possibility,

Two: I ate th fuckin eggs in a drunken stupor.

Now, between th two possibilities there is quite a lot of precedence for Scenario # 2. This eating of things early in th morn with no recollection th next day has been done before. But...I refuse to make a Rush to Judgement. This happens quite frequently, oft times leavin egg on some faces.

I am going to continue to look into th matter and weigh th evidence. I will, of course keep you informed of any new developments that might, y'know, like, develop.

th cap't, PI


Subject: The St. Louis Gateway Arch
Date:
Thursday, November 24, 2005 5:03 PM

For those of you who are interested, th Arch is 630 feet high and 630 long, so it's height and length are th same. Gee! Is that amazin or whut!!

Now, jus how this bit of information will enhance yer Life, I leave entirely up to you. Make of it whut you will.

th cap't

P.S. My son, who works at th Hyatt Regency there in St Louie tells me that many peoples ask him about info on th Ark? Ha ha. Thas what a lotta em call it; th Ark. It seems ta me that if they're lookin fer an Ark, they might have better luck searchin th nooks, crannies and gullies of Mt Arrat instead of St Louie cuz locals there say,

"Hey ese, we ain't got no steeenking Arks!"


Subject: George and th Turkey
Date:
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 8:04 PM

Hey ya'll did'ja happen ta see th pic in th paper today of George standin there with his arm on th Thanksgiving Turkey?

Man, there's gotta be a rilly humorous caption waiting to be atached to that. I jus can't think of it myself, but it's there and is crying out fer some one ta come up withh it!

t cap't


Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
Date:
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 6:07 PM

My friend Ms Katia sent this my way. Thought you might get a little chuckle outta it too. I think it was written by Arianna Huffington, but I'm not sure.

th cap't

************************************

News straight from an unimpeachable source

"Pardoned" Turkey To Be Held At Guantanamo.

The National Turkey, pardoned by President Bush in the traditional White House pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, will be held captive at the US military installation in Guantanamo. The turkey, said to weigh in the tens of pounds, will be interned at the request of Vice President Dick Cheney, who is concerned that it may have been raised on a farm in Prague.

A source close to the Vice President, speaking on condition of sycophantic proximity to power which journalists mistake for actual reporting, stated "it's been pretty well verified" the turkey may have had access to various biological and chemical substances, including what has been termed by a Pentagon informant as "a potential basting agent". Yet sources within the State Department disputed the claims of the informant, code named "Butterball", citing his envy of natural juiciness.

Republican leaders, meanwhile, rushed back to Capitol Hill to pass a "sense of the Congress" resolution that pardoning the turkey would "send the wrong message to our stomachs". While Democrats argued that the wording of an Amnesty International report which found that the turkey had already been subjected to repeated "beatings, electric shock and waterboarding" had been changed by someone within the administration to simply read "tenderized".

The Vice President's long time suspicion of turkeys and food in general is set to be chronicled in a new book by Bob Woodward, "Cheney At Dinner". The book, Woodward's 27th court hagiography this year, portrays Mr. Cheney as embittered by repeated attempts to get food into his twisted mouth, which has resulted in painful fork wounds to his lips and teeth, causing him to take all nourishment through a straw.

President Bush, aides say, remains focused on clearing the two remaining items off his schedule, a bike ride and a nap, so he can head to Crawford for Thanksgiving and return sometime after Arbor Day.


Subject: Da Moon! Da Moon!
Date:
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 5:43 PM

OK ya'll, we've covered this ground before. Ya know, there are some things I go off on regularly. I know you know that. Perhaps ya've heard my thoughts on th bicyclist/cell-phone abuser/walker/ pedestrian/jogger genre before? They bug me and I jus can't shake em. They cause me ta rant, and rave, and wave my arms about wildly, while spittle flies in all directions.

So, altho I'm in danger here of addin tinder ta th fires of those who suggest I change my name from Cap't Hoohah ta "Cap't Redundant", I'm gonna go over this again. It's about th Moon. Here below is somthin I wrote about this about six months ago.

*********************************************

June 12/05

Th' most pervasive movie scene cliche EVER!!

This cliche is every where. It started no doubt in horror/mystery movies, but now ya' can't get away from it.
Th' scene: A shot of th' full moon with some clouds passin' in front of it.

Think about it! Ya've seen that scene hundreds of times. Now one can understand it's place in certain genres where it's supposed ta' invoke a sense of dread, or fear, or mystery, or suspense, y'know, somthin' like that. All directors of such material continue ta' use it even tho it's been done ta' death, and then again some!! Over and over ad nauseum. But, no matter. Ya' jus' can't get away from it.

Watch any CSI. Any episode of Survivor will have at least three shots of it. Ditto with Amazing Race. But then, you will see this in th' most unexpected places. I can't believe how many times I've been watchin' some show, and it could be any damn thing, and all of a sudden, there's this brief shot of th' full moon and it has absolutely nothin' whut-so-ever ta' do with any thing that's goin' on. And I'm wonderin',

"Why in th' fuck did they jus' show a shot of th' full moon with clouds passin' by partially obscurin it?"

If ya' pay attention you will even see this scene in sit-coms fer some unfathomable reason. I mean, it's like a director says ta' some body,

"Hey, this here would be a good place ta' put that moon shot in."

And one of his assistants goes,

"But Sid, this is a scene where Joey loses an important phone number."

"I don't give a shit. Jus give me th' godam full moon shot!"

"OK. OK. Take it easy, will'ya! Hey boss, ya' want passin' clouds with that, or whut?"

OK boyz and gurlz, keep yer eyes peeled and watch fer it. Ya' gotta pay attention now, cuz ya've seen it so many times, it hardly even registers. It flashes on and ya' don't even think about it, but next time ya' see it ask yerself,

"Why did they jus' show me a picture of th' full moon? Whut does it mean?"

th' cap't

*********************************************

Tues. Nov. 23/05

OK, so check this out. Th next time you're watchin Monday nite football, pay attention and somewhere durin th course of th game they will show ya a shot of th moon. They will even zoom in on it for a close-up.

WHY? WHY? WHY? What th fuck does th state of th moon have ta do with th godam football game?? I have seen this th past three weeks. Why, oh why do they do this?

Now, six months ago, my buddy, Mistuh Booga, in reply to this query wrote me to tell me that th' full moon is a masculine lunar archetype and further, that archetypes can have powerful effect on mood and emotions in many peoples.

Aw'right, I can dig that! But still, whut th fuck does it have ta do with a football game? Thas whut I wanna know!!

I mean, are th guys in th control room aware of this? Are they doin' this consciously or whut? Or, are they actin' as unwitting accomplices in some one else's nefarious scheme? Jus' exactly whut is their Agenda anyway? Is there some kinda conspiracy involved? And more ta' th' point; is it directed at MOI?

Is Nixon involved? He would be my prime suspect. Or as they say in these days, "a person of interest". Ya' notice how law enforcement types today don't have, "SUSPECTS" any more, only "Persons Of Interest".

Go figure!

And if th fiend, Nixon th Dick, is behind it? To whut purpose? Whut is his agenda in pushing this archetype on us alla time?

Well sheeit, who can fathom th' mysterious workins' of a devious mind such as his, eh?!

But there is somthin unholy in it. I can see that!

All I can do is try ta' limit my exposure. Give up Monday nite football fer one thing, and from now on, I'm gonna find out before hand, if th' movie I'm rentin' or goin' ta' see, has any objectionable scenes in it, like, shots of th' full moon with clouds passin over.

th' cap't

P.S. I can't help but wonder whut kind of impression these scenes are havin' on our youth? Do th' good peoples on th' Kansas Board of Education know about this threat? I'll bet some of those so-called "science books" over there have pictures of th Moon in em with some kinda arcane explanation of how it wuz formed, when it's so obvious that th Intelligent Designer put it there fer our night time enjoyment. As always, th' questions are many, tho answers be few!


Subject: The Brand New Bag - Issue #74
Date:
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:56 AM

I am passing this along. I have no idea who this "Brand New Bag" outfit is, or how I came to be on their mailing list? One day a couple of weeks ago I got my first issue. Since then, they come two or three times a week.

I suspect someone I know subscribed me, cuz they are a left-leaning, anti-Bush kinda operation, which describes me somewhat, and I generally agree with most of their views, so I haven't made any effort to un-subscribe myself Th following piece below is typical of their flavor.

*********************************************

Dear Followers of Comedy Central:

Most things are funny because they remind us how sad and tragic life can be. Comic heroes in film, like Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, etc. are constantly getting into "trouble" and then somehow finding a way out of it. In the process, we in the audience get to vicariously observe their pain and laugh at their troubles. They are often funny because they play on the "edge" of human tragedy. If they didn't turn their problems into laughter, they would probably make us cry.

So it is with the current President of the United States. He has become a buffoon to a majority of Americans. We now watch and listen to him, knowing that he is unintentionally capable of hilarious behavior. We never know what to expect, but we KNOW he'll do something humorous and dumb. Bush is the embodiment of the tragicomic figure. Clueless and unaware, he stumbles from one stage to another, all the while acting like he's a great leader in charge of changing the world, while we in the audience howl with laughter as he always screws things up.

Here's to laughter, it beats the alternative!

Cheers,

Savant

********************************************

Right on! Right on! Well put. Th man does provide beau-coup chuckles for us. Th only problem is that, as a result of his bumblings, WE, that is, You and Me, and th rest of th World, must bear th brunt of th effect of his Buffoonery. And thas not always so funny!!

th cap't


Subject: Hit Man Wanted! (or Hit Gurl, I'm not particular)
Date:
Sunday, November 20, 2005 5:20 PM

Whutever you do, jus don't tell th peoples from PETA about this. We wanna keep this caper on th QT, otherwise they'll be picketing my house and chanting insulting slogans at me.

My problem, you see, is my neighbor dawg. He lives next door to me. I've told ya about him on several occasions. He likes ta bark. He barks at squirrels. He barks at birds, passing cars, pedestrians, sheeit, he barks at passing clouds. No event is too small to merit his attention.

And if there's nothin happenin around, th sumbitch barks jus ta hear himself bark!

And once he starts, he doesn't stop. He doesn't pause. He lives about ten feet from my sofa where I live.

I WANT HIM DEAD!!!!

I'm thinkin a Black Talon right between th eyes oughta do th trick. If yer interested, contact my secretary so we an arrange a date when I will be outta town, for I will surely be a prime suspect. I will leave th details up to you, however I do have one caveat. Jus before you squeeze that trigger, I want ya ta tell him,

"Th cap't sends his regards. Adios mutherfucker!!!!"

Maybe other doggies in th hood will get th message and cease and desist in their own bakings, and bayings and howlings.

Planning fer a more peaceful Tomorrow!

th cap't

P.S. Hey, ya know whut I think; if a solid hour of non-stop barking is not enuff ta relieve a dawg's stress and frustrations, he deserves th Peace and Serenity only a good dirt nap can provide, ya know whut Imean!


Subject: Th Fog Is Rollin In.
Date:
Wed, Nov 16, 2005, 5:52 PM

Earlier today I made extensive preparations ta do my quarterly laundry operation. I put all th white things in one bag, all th jeans things in another, and so on and so forth, y'know, in my usual methodical fashion. A proper place fer everything, and everything in it's proper place. Thas my motto.

When I arrived at th laundro-mat I got out of th car and wuz getting ready ta unload and then said ta myself,

"Whut th fu.......?"

And I scratched my head in consternation there fer a second, standin in th parking lot, cuz, like, there weren't any fuckin laundry bags in th car!!! Then I remembered,

Oh sheeit, I left th godam things on th front porch so I wouldn't have ta carry em all th way around ta th back of th house where my ride wuz parked. Evidently, I jus hopped in and drove right on down th driveway and didn't stop ta pick em up. Jus fergot em and left em on th damn porch. DAMN!! TEN THOUSAND CURSES!!!

Normally I rationalize these kindsa lapse's and say,

"Whut th hell, I wuz jus drunk and stoned....so, like, whadda ya expect?"

But this happened right in th middle of th afternoon boyz and gurlz.....th sun wuz shinin.... and I wuz stone cold sober. And drug-free ta boot!! I'm beginnin ta feel like Danny Crane from Boston Legal. Sheeit! Pray tell, jus whut th fuck is goin on here? Are Nixon's minions clouding my mind in some devilish manner? Is somebody spikin my drinks with, "Stoopid Pills" or somthin? I dunno.

th cap't

P.S. Would someone please drive me ta th Loony Bin? No point in givin me directions cuz I'd prolly ferget em anyway! I'd jus wind up drivin around til I ran outta gas!!!

Then I'd be's hitch-hikin til some one stopped and said,

"Hey yo dude! Where ya goin?"

and I'd say, "I dunno man, beats th shit outta me! Maybe do some laundry or somthin?"


Subject: Interesting Little Math Exercise. Help th cap't.
Date:
Wednesday, November 16, 2005 1:15 PM

QUESTION! QUESTION!

Aw'right, I jus passed this along to ya a couple of days ago. Texas Sue sent it to me originally. Th chocolate math/age exercise. Here it is again. My question is at th bottom.

******************************************

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 .... If you haven't, add 1754.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.


Pretty cool, eh! But ya know what gang, in thinkin on this thing and tryin to figure out how it works.
I AM WONDERIN WHY IT WILL ONLY WORK THIS YEAR AS IT SEZ AT TH BOTTOM?

Because at no place in it do you insert th present year as part of th equation. So why is th year 2005 pertinent? Why then, would this be th only year it would work? Whut difference does it make?

OK, so whut I want ya ta do is this; this coming New Year's Eve, right after th stroke of midnight, after ya've drank yr champagne toast and got yer smoochin done, when it has become 2006, get yer pencil out and try this. I'm suspectin it will work then too! But, please contact me with yer results. I'll most likely be too fucked up ta be doin any cypherin myself.

th cap't


Subject: HUGE FRAUD RING OF OLD GEEZERS EXPOSED IN KC
Date:
Monday, November 14, 2005 12:05 PM

Yesterday, a large fraud ring composed of mostly old geezers was finally exposed here in KC. These charlatans had been masquerading as a football team called th Kansas City Chiefs, hereafter to be known as "Your Chief's".

Evidently they had been operating undetected under this guise for some time, fooling even famous sports pundits, including Cap't Hoohah, whose post game comment,

"Jeeeze, whut a bunch of fuckin frauds!!"

pretty much summing up th feelings of other gullible victims. he said further.

"Oh my, this is sooo fucking embarrassing!"

In four quarters of unimaginably pathetic, bumbling efforts they only managed to score THREE points!!!!! After th game was mercifully over, many members were immediately whisked in their wheelchairs back to th rest home.

Members of th KC Fraud Squad are looking into allegations that these buffoons had regularly been charging local citizens outrageous sums of money, purportedly to watch professional football games. It is further alleged that they had a giant scheme to fleece these same gullible victims out of hundreds of millions of dollars to finance lavish improvements to their stadium so they could continue their nefarious fleecing.

In a masterful, classic sting operation, they were lured to Buffalo NY, where th hapless Buffalo Bills, were able to demonstrate th degree of Ineptness of these so-called Chiefs ability to act like a real professional football team. (and peoples wonder why Indians find them demeaning?) Maybe Justice will be now done and these perpetrators can be sent off into oblivion where they belong.

Ed. note: Capt Hoohah, vigorously denying that he had been taken in too, said after th game, in disgust,
"Sheeeit! Look here ya'll, these clowns Never fooled me fer a minute. Y'unnerstan! I always knew it wuz jus a matter of time before peoples woke up and discovered that th Rose Garden wuz actually a compost pile."


Subject: Keepin th Young Folks On th Straight and Narrow
Date:
Sunday, November 13, 2005 1:40 AM

I read in today's paper where in Kansas and Missouri more than 1500 accidents occurred last year as a result of peoples talking on their cell phones at th time.

Now of course, ya know that these figures are wildly inaccurate; that they are waay under reported, that they are actually only th tip of th iceberg, cuz, like, how many peoples do ya think tell th investigating officer that they were distracted, cuz they were lookin fer their ringin phone at th time. Or that they were so engrossed in finding out th score of th game, that they went right thru th stop sign. Not very damned many I would wager!!

Out of these accidents, one third involved, were young peoples under th age of twenty-one! So, th authorities are lookin fer ways to prohibit young peoples from talkin and drivin. It's fer their own good. Mebbe pass some other kinda stupid law aimed at th younger set. Like, gotta be twenty-one to drink. Whut a crock! Gotta be twenty-one to go into an X-rated video store, Sheeit. Once again; whut a crock!! A young person is old enuff to get their ass shot off, old enuff to lead other troops in combat, old enuff ta get married, old enuff ta vote, but not old enuff to look at porn? Or have a drink? Gimme a fuckin break, will'ya?

This brand of Hypocrisy cracks me up. In this case, they are totally ignorin th two thirds majority of these accidents, cuz they were caused by adults you see. It's perfectly all right fer adults to do these irresponsible things, but not young peoples. Young peoples need to learn responsibility before you let em talk on their phones like th dumb-ass Irresponsible adults you see rappin and wheelin about without a clue!

I mean, so many peoples now get in their cars and figure that it is a good time to relieve th boredom of drivin home after work. So, they scratch their heads for a second, until they can think of some one to call.

How many times have ya been approachin an intersection and a car turns towards you and they have swung right into yer lane and almost clip yer left front fender, cuz, well shit, it's hard to turn and hold that fukin phone in yer ear. So ya make yer turn a bit wide?

"So what! Quit yer bitchin. I'm tryin ta talk ta Susie here!"

How many peoples do ya see blow right thru red lights yappin away? Blatantly!! Not yellow, but already red for a couple of seconds. Completely oblivious. Half th time they weren't even aware of it.

They were rappin with Susie, ya'see and a bit distracted. Like, whut red light?

How many peoples do ya see sit right thru a green-light cycle at th intersection while tryin ta make a left turn? Well, sheeit, it's hard ta carry on a conversation with Susie and figure out when it's finally clear ta turn!

How many times do ya have ta honk yer horn ta let th fucknut idiot in front of ya know that th light has turned green several seconds ago, and they can go now? Once again; it's that Susie.

How many times has th car in th lane next ta ya started driftin right towards yer side and ya gotta hit yer horn ta let em know they're about ta run into ya? And so forth and so on.

Ya may not be aware of this but a number of studies have shown that cell phone users (abusers) have accidents at th same frequency as drunk drivers. This is true! And yet these same peoples would tsk, tsk, a person drivin while drinkin and chastise em as bein unsafe, irresponsible and inconsiderate, but have no qualms whutsoever bout gettin on their phone as soon as they start their engine; before they've even pulled outta their parking space, fr'chrissake! They will tell ya that they're very careful when talkin on their phone; right up to th point jus before they run into a tree.

Do ya remember here jus a while back where a guy ran right into th back of a truck on th hiway doin repairs? He hit his brakes jus feet away from th impact. I've always been curious about th conversation he wuz havin! Do ya think he wuz rappin with Susie?

I mean, let's keep in mind that two out of three of all these accidents were caused by adults. It jus seems so obvious ta me that ya simply don't allow ANYONE ta use their phones while drivin, unless it's an emergency! Some states already do this.

Why this double standard? Well I suppose it's cuz they're Adults and Mature beings. Whereas th young kids are, well, Young and Immature. Ya can't have young and immature kids yakkin it up on their phones while drivin. It's irresponsible, dammit. How many times we gotta say it? Altho, well, on th other hand, it seems that it's perfectly OK fer irresponsible adults to yak away all they want. I guess it's obvious but I dunno tho; fer some reason somthin doesn't smell right ta me.

So, I'm all fer NOT lettin kids use their phones while drivin! Yep, jus as long as they apply that rule to all th other peoples too. Like, th Geezers, (they're th worst) th Bimbos, (nah, I think they're th worst) and th macho assholes. (now, they're definitely th worst)

EVERYONE in short!!

Now, if you good peoples will excuse me, I'm in between saloons at th moment and I gotta catch “last call,” and altho I've had a few beers, I'm gonna be careful. Promise. And I'm NOT gonna be on my cell phone. (that would be Irresponsible)
I GURANTEE IT!!!

th cap't

P.S. Man, that Susie chik causes a lotta problems, don't she? Hey, I gotta idea; mebbe th best compromise solution would be ta jus make it illegal ta talk ta Susie!!


Subject: Where did we come from?
Date:
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 10:31 PM

OK boyz and gurlz, some peoples criticise Evolution on th grounds that it doesn't fully explain Everything. Well, OK, it doesn't. They say there are holes and discrepancies in it. Well, OK, there are.
So, their alternative is that you believe that a Supernatural, All-Powerful, Invisible Being took a handful of dust......and made MAN!! (awright, knock off th giggling or ur all be stayin after school)

Then, when he realised how horny his MAN was; he took one of his ribs out (ouch) and made Wo-MAN! Myself, I'm kinda wonderin why he just didn't do that "dust thing" again? I'm sure Adam woulda' agreed with me on that one, eh. But hey, whut do I know? I do know tho that sometimes, MAN said ta hisself,

"Whoa, like, whut th fuck did I do ta deserve this?"

and Wo-MAN replied,

"Hey Jack, I liked it a helluva lot better bein a rib, so FUCK YOU and th horse you rode in on!"
Later on tho, as they got ta "know" each other, things got better. And it wuz GOOD!!

Now some of you gurls might resent that you were jus kinda an afterthought in this belief system, but look here, if it's any consolation ta ya, jus remember; th Intelligent Designer works in Mysterious Ways, and can be pretty darned hard ta fathom sometimes, ya dig! So don't try and make any sense outta it, OK, cuz, like, ya'll jus make yer pretty little heads hurt.

OK boyz and gurlz, Th answer ta th question?

Dust and Ribs!!.

There ya have it. Thas where we all came from. No foolishness bout no steenking meenkeys! How silly is that, compared ta dust and ribs?

Fortunately, if ya happen ta be lucky enuff ta live in Kansas, ya won't have ta bother with any of that pesky Evolution crap, cuz yer mommies and daddies fixed it so ya don't hav'ta pollute yer minds with that kinda nonsense, and ya can grow up ta be a bunch of cretins jus like them.

th cap't

P.S. Hey now kids, don't get me wrong here, cuz, like, some of my best friends are Kansans! Thas right! Th problem is they jus let th Village Idiots and th Loony Tunes take control. tsk, tsk.


Subject: Once Ya Got Th Momentum Goin...
Date:
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 7:24 PM

My contacts on th streets tell me that, bolstered by their recent victory of Intelligent Design v Evolution, th Kansas Board of Education's next move is to promote th Stork Theory v Childbirth in Sex Ed. classes. No doubt, bein Kansans, it too shall pass!

th cap't


Subject: Undesirable Elements in our Society: A Possible Solution
Date:
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 7:02 PM

Aw'right, aw'right, I know, I oft times sound like a broken record, same ol' shit, over and over, alla time, ad nauseum! But I had a rather exasperatin day as I drove about th environs, cruisin th highways and byways, and sufferin three near misses. But hell, this is typical. I'm rappin bout th bicyclists, and joggers and walkers and cell phone abusers. Th nice weather seems ta bring these varmints outta their holes

I think it's godammit time th Federal Government stepped in and set up forthwith, Re-education Camps fer this obnoxious and dangerous element and, especially those recreational walkers, with those Walkmans attached, jivin along, swingin their arms back and forth in that ridiculous way that they do. I mean, honestly, even if you, yerself do this, ya gotta admit, it looks pretty fuckin goofy. I am tired of these fuckers getting in my way, causin me to take evasive action, thereby makin me rend my hair and gnash my teeth while shakin my fist at em. All this rendin and gnashin, constantly, every day is startin ta wear me out.

They might also make eligible fer Rehabilitation, anyone out in public with a cell phone in their ear, instead of up their ass, which to my way of thinkin would be much more appropriate.

Personally, I think that if ya should happen ta run over one of these critters, Ha ha, (scuse' me, I'm sorry, could'n help myself, cuz' th mere idea brings a mental picture ta mind which causes me ta chortle in contemplation) they (the perp) should be fined right on th spot, before th ambulance carts em away, for any damages their bodies may have caused ta yer vehicle. And if they don't survive, perhaps their next of kin could at least spring for a night of drinks fer ya, ta help compensate fer yer loss of valuable time and such.

I think these camps could be set up along th lines of Mao's Education Centers durin the Cultural Revolution, which were then further refined by Pol Pot's efforts in Cambodia back in the late ‘70s with certain elements of the Cambodian populace (about 2 million) who just 'weren't with the Program'!!

Ya know I hate cliches, but none th less, here goes; drastic problems require drastic solutions, don'cha' think?

th capt.


Subject: Deja Vu
Date:
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 5:33 PM

CONGRATULATIONS KANSAS!

You guys have once again made yourselves th laughing stock of th country, but don't be shy, after all, you deserve it. No one just handed you that honor; you earned it all by yourselves.

th cap't

P.S. I gotta tell ya tho; it's embarrassing living next door to ya!!!


Subject: Chiefs vs Raiders: Th Cap't, Sports Guru and Visionary, speaks out.
Date:
Tuesday, November 8, 2005 5:24 PM

Hey ya'll, listen, If you like pro football and if you like the Chiefs and if you saw Sunday's game, you had to enjoy that. I mean, the Chiefs take a chance on a last play of th game gamble; and they Win!!! It was pretty damned exciting, eh!

As I sat there while Vermeil and his staff pondered the wisdom of going fer the touchdown I was jumping up and down screaming,

"Go fer it! Goddamit! Go fer it."

I glanced around sheepishly, to see if anybody had caught my outburst, and realised, that since I was home, alone. it was OK and thus yelled even louder. Of course every one I have talked to since tells me they too we're sayin th same thing. Yeah right!! It would appear that not a single person, any where, had any doubts about it! Th thing is tho; that I really DID think they should go fer it, whereas I think many peoples are jus jumpin on th 'shulda-gone-fer-it' bandwagon just for the ride, if ya know whut I mean?

I'm pretty amused tho of what I've heard bout coach's decision. It's been referred to as, "bold", "gritty", and, "gutsy", seems to be the most prevalent reaction. Peoples are elevating Vermeil to my status as a Seer and Visionary. I think many believe he ought to be Knighted, in spite of the fact we have left that peculiar ritual to the Brits, lo, these many years. He's being hailed far and wide and the praise and accolades are raining down on him like a summer thunderstorm.

But, imagine for a second, if you will. what they would be saying about him had they failed to score? They would be heaping scorn, ridicule, and derision on him like, well, like a summer thunderstorm. Peoples would be saying of him.

"What he fuck was he thinking? What a stupid-ass call. He just blew whatever chance we might have had for the playoffs on that one insane call. Zounds! What a fuckin jerk!"

No one would be saying,

"Well, in spite of the fact he totally blew it, you still have to give him credit for making a 'gutsy' call."
Sheeit. Nah, no one would call his play, “gutsy” or “gritty” or anything but "plain stupid" if it had failed. His name shall be anathema and stricken from all the records and no man shall speaketh of him forthwith. And that goes for you gurls too!!

In a post game interview, when the obligatory question was asked of him about what was going thru his mind, Dick said,

"I was praying. I really was."

Yeah, Dick you and a couple of million other peoples were praying. Praying for their god to use some of his supernatural powers so that their team might win a mid-season football game against their hated rival. This never fails to amuse me that peoples do this, like, god is thinking,

"Oh man, all these peoples are wanting me to let him make a touchdown and all these other peoples are wanting me to make him fail. What a quandary! Oh what's a God to do? Either way, somebody's gonna be pissed! But what the heck, that Bobby Jones there in KC is a good god-fearing man and has been going to church every Sunday, worshipping me, and, well, quite frankly, I admit, I kinda get off on that. And besides he's offered to drop an extra ten spot in the plate next Sunday."

Yeah, evidently, god favors good, clean living mid-westerners with good FAMILY VALUES over a bunch of gangster thugs from babylonian California. I'm sure that was a no-brainer for God. (scuse me God hehe just a figure of speech Ha ha)

OK, so, It's important to remember that when you are making critical decisions, to keep in mind that peoples don't have any sympathy for you if you're wrong. Nope, Not one bit. Nada.

On the other hand, if you're right, you're in like Flynn! ("in like Flynn" remember that one?) You'll be a Hero! But..... you got to be Right!!! Otherwise you'll just be more flotsam and jetsam in the river of History.

Think of all the bad decisions peoples have made thru out history? What if they had gone the other way?

What if Lee had not ordered Pickett to attack at Gettysburg?

What if Germany had Not declared war on us immediately after we declared war on Japan?

What if Napoleon had decided Not to sell us the Louisiana Territories?

What if Geo. Bush Senior had just gone on ahead into Baghdad in GW1?

What if Kruschev had ordered Soviet ships to continue on their way to Cuba, defying Kennedy's ultimatum?

(well, in that last scenario, I wouldn't be sitting here writing you, and you wouldn't be sitting there reading it, because after even a “limited nuclear war,” things are different, you know whut I mean!

OK gang, everybody after me,

"All hail Dick Vermeil!!!"

th cap't

P.S. Listen up; should you ever be a head football coach and find yourself in a critical situation, and you just don't know what to do, ask yourself this question,

"What would Jesus do?"

and act accordingly.


Subject: English Gone Mad
Date:
Saturday, November 5, 2005 12:08 PM

My amigo, Mike G. sent these to me. Pretty amusin….

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. (Ha ha. this is good)

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. (damn that MD 20/20!)

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (th best of th bunch, my favorite)

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (profound)

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. (makes sense, eh?)

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. (thas whut it's all about)

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered. (I'll go along with that)

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. (I cn relate)

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. (Ha ha. thas good)

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. (watch that ego)

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. (I like this one)

Acupuncture is a jab well done. (touché)

A tired pontiff is too pooped to pope.


Subject: On the Downside Of Being A Geezer. When th Mind fades.
Date:
Saturday, November 5, 2005 11:38 AM

I seem to be gettin so forgetful. Lately, I find myself searchin my crib each day fer somthin or other, y'know, like, my keys, my phone, my money, th TV remote, my glasses, my wallet, my comb, my check book, etc, etc. It gets really frustrating sometimes. There is hardly a day that goes by when I'm not lookin fer somethin.

I try puttin things in th same place all th time, y'know, that way I'll always know where they are. Th problem begins tho, when they're not in that place! That place where they're supposed ta be!! Sheeit, then th search begins. And I start lookin. Everywhere. Like, fr'instance, in my refrigerator.

Yep, in my searchings I always look in my fridge, cuz one time many years ago when I had lost my glasses; after hours of futile searching, I gave up on ever finding them, and went into th fridge for a coke and there were my glasses! Sittin right there next to th milk. And so, thas why I always look in my fridge if I'm lookin fer somethin, cuz, ya never can tell!

I forget other stuff too, like, each nite I go out I take my cell phone with me, and NO, I don't talk on it while I drive; I don't engage in that kinda irresponsible, reckless behavior. I take in jus in case I might need bail money or somthin, ya'know whut I mean. And 5 out of 6 nights I forget to take it back in th house with me at th end of th evening. Every morning I have to go outside and fetch my phone outta th car. Each nite I tell myself that TONITE, I am going to remember ta take my phone outta th car and each nite I forget it again. Whyizzat do you suppose? Oh sure, I'm drunk and stoned, but still, thas no excuse!!!

Now, because of all these misplaced objects and general forgetfulness, I find I am spending an inordinate amount of time each day trying to remember if I've forgotten something! Sheeit. Does this kinda crap happen ta other peoples too? I mean, like, regularly? Man, I'm getting Real tired of this Real fast.

the cap't

P.S. If this sorta thing happens ta you; are you a geezer too, or are ya just ignernt?


Subject: Th Nerve of Some Peoples!
Date:
Saturday, November 5, 2005 10:30 AM

I received this from Cap't Hoohah a few minutes ago. Th Arrogant Asshole! Who, in their right mind would want to visit with him anyway? Th guy is delusional! While I don't doubt for a minute that there have been knocks on his door, I seriously doubt that they have been of a “social nature.” I think he just made th whole thing up. Sincerely yours, (really) Joe Dreck

Delivered-To: headtripper@mailsorter-bryant.bryant.webtv.net
From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley) Date: Sat, Nov 5,
2003, 8:07pm (CST+1) To: headtripper@webtv.net

Subject: Remember, Visiting, like driving a car, is a Privilege, Not a Right!

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he had stopped by my crib for a little social visit. He said, that although my cars were there, and that he could hear music playin, that I didn't respond to his knocks.

OK, now, looky here, jus cuz I didn't answer my door doesn't mean that I am Paranoid and hidin out in my house. No, no, no! This reluctance to answer my door can be traced back to an incident that occurred a few years a few years earlier when answering a knock at th door, I had a frightening encounter with, "The Beast Who Wouldn't Go Away". It was horrible! Horrible, I tell you!! This friend of mine needed a place to crash for a day or two. When somebody tells ya they're only gonna be there fer a day or two, translation; that means you jus acquired a new roomate, who gobbles yer food and swills yer beer takes control of yer sofa and bums money from ya. Fortunately fer me, a couple of days before th "Formal Adoption" process became final, he mysteriously disappeared. Poof! Without a trace. Haven't seen or heard from him since. Whut a shame, eh!

So now, even though it's been years; when I hear a knock, I'm afraid it is going to be some official telling me that he's been located.... or worse.....Oh, th Horror..th Horror..... it will be HIMSELF!

As a result of that encounter, I have set up a Visitation System designed to ensure I don't go thru that experience again. So, if you would like to stop by some evening for a nice, pleasant, social visit please follow th ensuing directions to expedite th process.

First; call my secretary on Mondays between 1:00 and 1:15 for a visiting pass.

Please have all th relevant required information available at that time. You will need th regular stuff, ie; name, place and date of birth, (a birth certificate would be helpful. just fax it in) driver's license, soc. security number, various credit or debit card numbers, political and religious affiliations you may have belonged to in th last five years and a few other details.

Normally, a minor background check will take four or five weeks so that you can usually expect a "Visitation Date" within five weeks of yer initial request. You will receive in th mail an "Official Visitation Card" stating th day and time of yer visit.

On th night of your visit, please present this card with the obligatory three forms of picture IDs and your "Visitation Code Number" which you will receive by phone earlier in th day.

Once you have passed th fingerprint and eye scan, proceed into th hallway and underneath the large blinking neon sign that says "WELCOME" press th white button directly underneath. You will receive one of several different recorded messages, accompanied with delightful background music, all of which say in essence,

"I'm sorry, but i'm not available at the moment. Please call my secretary to make a new appointment. and thanks for stopping by!"

Then, egress th premises and th next Monday call my secretary between 1:00 and 1:15 to re-schezhule yer appointment. Hope this helps.

th cap't

P.S. Some peoples have noticed a strong resemblance to me and Major Major in Catch-22.

Like I said, "Th Arrogant Asshole" Joe Dreck


Subject: Barroom Etiquette
Date:
Thursday, November 3, 2005 5:22 PM

Ya know boyz and gurlz, sometimes it's better ta jus keep yer comments ta yerself! Like, last night I wuz rappin with an amigo of mine. He's an interesting dude and I always enjoy talkin with him and we were discussin important battles in World History, y'know, one of those early morning drunken conversations one gets into, and we had gone thru a dozen or so and this jerk, sittin a couple stools down, who wuz not part of our conversation butted in and said,

"Hey dudes! What about the battle of the OK Corral?"

Well, I let out a loud sarcastic guffaw! I said,

"The batlle of th OK Corral!! Are you serious? Hey dude, we're talking about famous battles of the WORLD and yer talikin bout the battle of the OK corral!!! Sheeit."

I said,

"Gimme a break jack, we're talkin about WORLD history and yer talkin' about 'the battle of the OK Corral?! Ha ha. I mean, do ya really think th gunfight at th OK Corral involvin maybe seven guys is a Major Event in World History rankin up there with Waterloo and Stalingrad and battles
like that!!? Sheeit, whut th hells th matter with you?"

Oh I went off on him I guarantee you; I didn't let him off easy. After several minutes of ridiculin him rather unmercilessly, he finally said,

"OK, OK, I get it. Gimme some slack!"

and I said,

"Well, first of all, it would help if ya knew whut th fuck ya were talkin about, and second and more importantly, maybe ya oughta jus try mindin yer own business. and stayin outta other peoples conversations and ya could eliminate situations like this altogether."

He said, "Yeah, yeah." and sulked fer a few minutes and left. I jus never understood why total strangers feel th need ta interject their views and comments in other peoples conversations. I find it irritating.

the cap't


Subject: SOCCER; What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothin!!
Date:
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 5:29 PM

I know that soccer is th most popular sport in th world, enjoyed by many more peoples than our baseball or football, BUT, to me it is nothing but eminently Boring!! I also am aware that many peoples don't like our football, cus they don't like th staccato nature of th game. Th stop and go of it is annoying to them.

But as an example of whut I don't like about soccer is; jus in th past week or so I read about an important soccer match somewhere, between someone, I didn't really get th details, but th end result of this important soccer match after 90 minutes of play; th score, 0-0. This important soccer match ended in a draw, zero to zero!! Wow! How fukin exciting that must have been huh?

Ya spend all those big bucks fer tickets, and parking, and a program, and beer and whatever they offered at th concession stand and th end result; a Tie!! Whut kinda fuckin nonsense is that?

Do ya suppose there was a single person in that stadium who couldn't wait to tell their friends whut an exciting game it was watching those two teams take th ball up and down th field fer 90 minutes and neither one scored. Oh, th Excitement!!

"Oh man, what a great defensive contest it was. Ya shoulda been there!"

Dumb! Dumb Dumb! No sports contest ought to ever wind up in a draw! Altho I have seen a few great boxing matches in my time where it really was a draw. Matches that were so evenly fought it woulda been a dis-service to have picked a winner. Guys who slugged it out, toe to toe for th entire match. Th winner jus depended on who ya liked, or more likely, who ya had yer money on!

But 90 minutes of runnin up and down a field? Well, there's no comparison. It's like comparin apples to avocados. Y'know, one's red and one's green, ya know whut I mean.

Do ya remember, at one time, football games wound up in ties? I think it was th American Football League, before th merger with th NFL, that did away with that bit of stupidity. I could be wrong on that, but in any case, some one got th bold idea to have “overtime” in th event of a tie score after four quarters. Brilliant, eh!!

Somebody in th hierarchy of th soccer world needs to suggest, that maybe they oughta do th same.
OK boyz and gurlz, remember; ya heard it from th cap't, Sports Guru and Seer, here, first!!

th cap't

P.S. I can understand th appeal of soccer to parents of kids tho. they get to do a lot of runnin and kick a all around and there isn't that much contact, like football. In other words, a great game fer kids.


Subject: Fwd: First bird flu death reported in Anahiem, CA.
Date:
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 4:59 PM

My buddy Mike G. sent this to me. I hadn't heard anything on th news about this. this is pretty shocking!

th cap't


Subject: Th cap't shops 'Healthy'.
Date:
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 4:14 PM

Inspired by th article I sent out earlier in regards to healthy foods, I went to th grocery store a while ago. I decided to utilise some of my new found information vis a vis on eating 'healthy. So, I bought two bananas, a mango, a kiwi, an apple, a bag of carrots, some V-8 juice, various assorted bottles of spices and a box of fudge.

Man, I'm gonn be one healthy sumbitch tomorrow!!

Altho not bein familiar with these kinda exotic foods I don't have a clue as to how to prepare them? I mean, whut th fuck does one do with a mango? Or a kiwi?

th cap't

P.S. Sheeit I jus received in th nick of time a warning from my friend, th crupster, about th pesticides that are likely lurking on my new purchases. This brings me down. I wuz so lookin forward to bein a, like, brand new healthy being tomorrow, and now this! It seems no matter whut we do, our plans always go awry, don't it? Whutda I gotta do now? Run em thru some kinda de-contamination device before I can scarf em? Hell, if I'd knowed bout all these complications, I woulda jus bought some Oreo's and been done with it.


Subject: Once again into the Breach.
Date:
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 3:50 AM

It is early in th morning. I am preparin myself ta have a little early morning repast. Th idea is flitting through my brain right now. Sorta' getting myself psyched up, so to speak. DO NOT BE ALARMED however!!

In spite of maybe a dozen times or so, over th years, when I may have set th kitchen on fire or maybe th stove exploded...... and man, Fuck..... when ur stove blows up.... KABLOOM! and knocks ya across th room, or some such, ya go,

"Wow, whut th fuck wuz that all about?"

ya know whut I mean? And so, ya learn from ur mistakes, and after a while, after a few times, ya no longer fling huge pans of water on yer grease fires, and shit like that.

But sheeit, when ya stop and think about it, when ya consider all of th successful culinary operations I have conducted over th years without incident, all th meals I have cooked without burnin up th kitchen, ya can plainly see, this is NO BIG DEAL!! Odds are with me, and besides, I have learned from my past mistakes and now always keep four or five lbs. of flour on hand ta deal with th occasional unexpected conflagration. I'm confident I can DO THIS! Gut appetite!

the capt.


Subject: Better Living through WORDS OF WISDOM from th cap't.
Date:
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 3:32 AM

Some words of advice for you as ya travel down th Road of Life. REMEMBER boyz and gurlz, before ya criticise someone; WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES!!

THEN, when ya do criticise em, let em' fuckin' have it!! Don't hold back one bit! Pull out all the stops!! Give em all th shit ya want, cus, like, look here, Whut th Hell they gonna do about it now? Sheeit ese, you're a fuckin mile away from em!! AND, plus..... you got their shoes, to boot!! Ha ha

So, what the hell can they do about it?

Nada, amigos. Nada fuckin thing! Ur home free!

the capt.


Subject: Dawg Dreams
Date:
Monday, October 31, 2005 1:47 AM

I took a little nap a while ago as old geezers are wont to do and I dreamed that dogs could talk! I jus remembered this dream a few minutes ago, and have been tryin ta recollect more about it. I remember thinking while I wuz dreamin that it wuz strange that only humans and dogs could speak, but not other critters.

While sittin here mullin it all over, I wuz distracted by a series of barkings, howlings and mewlings from th fuckin dogs next door. Those somsabitches!! I have told ya before about their constant, almost unceasing racket, startin around 8:00 AM and continuin til 10:00 or 11:00 PM. Fortunately, I leave every evening around 8:30 so I miss a lot of their evening action.

Unfortunately, my absolutely insane neighbor, who lives in th basement apt. picks up the slack and starts his howling around 3:30 AM. He usually goes til 4:30 or so. He likes ta yell and curse at the TV commentators, specially if they happen ta be black. He is not exactly ambiguous about his feelings on th subject. On a couple of occasions when it greatly annoyed me I took a butcher knife and banged on his door and politely told him if he didn't shut th fuck up I wuz gonna cut his throat from ear ta ear. That quites him down fer a while.

And so, because of th dogs, th construction going on across the street, and the Demons inhabiting my neighbor's head, I am not able to get in much in th way of "Meditation Time' here. Curses. Ten Thousand Curses!! Too many Bad Vibes, as they used ta say.

Whut will my Zen Master say when he finds out how negligent I've been in my quest fer Peace and Harmony? Whut can I say? (of course I can't tell im bout my interactions with my neighbor. He wouldn't understand. Ha ha)

"Well gee, Sensei, whut with th noise and the clatter and the Insanity and th Confusion it is most difficult fer me ta achieve a state of Harmony and Serenity!"

and he will no doubt reply with some obscure, enigmatic, quote from the Master hisself, which I will have ta dwell on and ponder fer many days, tryin ta extract it's cryptic meaning.

Well anyway, back to th Dog Dream! in thinkin on it I thought that perhaps th catalyst for th dream might be that I am always wonderin jus what th fuck it is, that these dogs are barkin about alla time?
I mean, whut th hell is it with them? Th problem is that I can't understand em you see, hence, perhaps th “talking dog dream.” Maybe they're sayin,

"Hey yo, look! It's a /59 Chevy convertible! can ya' dig that!"

or mebbe,

"Hey you! Assholes! Hows bout a little somthin' to eat out here, huh?Whadd'ya say?"
or mebbe they're sayin',

"Yo Dawg! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!! Ya little white fluffy haired Punk! Get yer Ass outta my hood before I climb this fence and rip that little rhinestone collar right off yer scrawny neck!!"

or mebbe it's like,

"Man, turn that godam siren off, will'ya!I It feels like someone is drivin a white hot spike right thru my brain. Jeeezuz. Of all th places to live in town, these insensitive pricks gotta move one block away from a fire station!! Whut the hell were they thinkin??"

I dunno. all I can say is that with all th barkings, howlings, clankings, rumblings, th jackhammers, th bulldozers, th early mornin' screamings and so on and so forth, it's no wonder that I must retreat ta th quiet of a friendly saloon each evening in order to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet, don'cha think! Thas' not askin' too much, is it?!

th cap't

P.S. On th other hand, that "friendly saloon" is not always quite so "friendly", y'know, what with all th obnoxious drunks and all. Punk 21 year old kids tryin ta tell ya th "rules" of pool.

'Yeah, right, like I've been playin fer 52 years and yer gonna tell ME th rules?"

ya got peoples jostlin ya without so much as a “scuse me,” peoples stickin their damn cell phone cameras in yer face, peoples expectin ya ta jus be happy as hell cuz they're 22 tonight. Like, big fuckin deal.

Sigh!


Subject: Th Cap't Has An Epiphany (of sorts)
Date:
Monday, October 31, 2005 12:40 AM

A couple of days ago I had lunch With an old friend. I had some chicken spedini. When it arrived, along with th chicken, there wuz some mushrooms and pasta atop a bed of spinach. I said, "No! No! No! I don't like spinach!" in a loud aggressive voice. And my friend said,

"Oh, go ahead and eat it Charley. It's good for you!

Whereupon, I threw myself on to my back and started kickin my legs in th air, all th time screamin and wailin, "But I don't like spinach! I don't like it! I'm not gonna eat it! I HATE spinach!"
and generally makin a scene. Other patrons were lookin at us askance. My friend, being somewhat embarrassed, tryin to defuse a volatile situation, hissed at me as quietly as she could,

"Alright charley, ya don't have to eat your damned spinach. OK?"

So, havin won my moral victory, I got up and sat back in my chair, arrangin myself in a dignified manner, and looked around defiantly at some of those characters rudely starin at me and said,

"I DON'T LIKE SPINACH!"

y'know. by way of explanation of my behavior, I told my friend how th last time I wuz in th hospital back in 47' havin my tonsils removed, this nurse, she wuz jus like Nurse Ratchitt, remember her; th Big Nurse, in One Flew Over th Cookoo's Nest. Well, this “bad nurs”' MADE me eat my green beans. I told her I didn't like green beans, but she made me eat em anyway..... so I started cryin and forced them down......and then almost immediately, up-chucked em all right back onto my plate, and I told her,

"I TOLD YA I DON'T LIKE GREEN BEANS!!!"

and so, my friend assured me that no one wuz goin ta force me to eat my spinach and th rest of th meal went off without further incident.

When we were finished, since I didn't eat all of my meal, I had th remainder put in a to-go box fer a later snack. I even left th waitress an extra quarter fer any discomfort I may have caused. I know, I shouldn't have, but thas jus th way I am.

I dropped my friend off at her office and I'm not sure why, but she wuz reluctant ta commit to a specific time we might get together again. No big deal. Y'know, gurls always seem ta have problems with “commitment” issues anyway. Thas jus th way they are.

Well, that evening, when I got home from my carousings, it wuz about 3:30 of th AM, and often, as I am wont to do at that time, (this is when I do some of my most serious culinary work!) a little snack seemed in order. I decided ta do th remainder of my chicken spedini. So I wuz gettin ready ta scrape th noxious spinach off th plate before puttin it in th radar range, and jus fer th hell of it, and also bein drunk and my reasoning ability somewhat impaired, I opted ta taste th spinach before discarding it, jus ta confirm my life long bad loathin of it and......... SHEEIT!!

Mnnnnnnnnnn........ ......mnnnnn...mnnnnn...mnnnn...... WOW.......IT WUZ DELICIOUS!!

I'm tellin ya! I couldn't believe it. And I had quit eatin this stuff 57 years ago! How different my life might have been? I wonder! I mean, I've never even had a spinach and cheese quiche before!!! Whut is goin on here? It's mystifying, cuz I jus got turned on ta asparagus about seven years ago....and now....and now, This! Spinach!

Whut's next boyz and gurlz? Culinary adventurer I'm turnin into, I'll prolly be soon eatin calamari, escargot, and sushi, otherwise known as squid, snails and raw fish!! Hey ese, does that make your mouth water in anticipation, or whut??

th cap't

P.S. But, ya know whut, I'm still not sure jus how much my new found appreciation of "The Spinach" wuz influenced by "The Budweiser" ya'know whut I mean!


Subject: Th 'Great and Glorious Day' Foretold Has Arrived
Date:
Sunday, October 30, 2005 11:44 PM

My friend Harlene sent this quote to me. It seems so apropos these days.

"As Democracy is perfected, the office of President represents, more and more closely, the inner Soul of the People. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright Moron." —H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

It would appear that Mr Mencken was rather prescient, eh? We now have a confederacy of dunces runnin th whole shebang. Where else but in a Geo. Bush Administration would ya have a high ranking official named, "Scooter" fr'chrissake!! Ha ha. And "Brownie"! These fuckin guys mind-set is still back at th frat house. Th only difference is that instead of plannin keggers, now they're runnin th whole fuckin country!

It's depressin!! Knowwhutahmsayin!

th cap'tI


Subject: Confessions of a Degenerate Thrill Junkie
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:57 PM

Recently, drunken sot that I wuz, I indulged myself in some “risky business.” I shoulda known better, but Thrill Junkie I am, I'm always lookin fer that "rush", ya know whut I mean, and specially, like, when the demon rum clouds my better judgement, combined with the demon weed; well ya got a potential disaster waitin ta happen. Know whut ahm sayin.

I'm sure you've heard of a mainly teenage activity called 'hill hopping', whereby ya accelerate yer ride to high speed as ya crest a hill, sending you airborne. Th thrill of course comes from the uncertainty of whether ya cn maintain control when ya land and not kill yerself and yer fellow thrill seekers.

Well, some of us are still teenagers at heart. In other words, we still do stupid and dangerous, immature things. Ya know whut I'm talking about!!

Well, I the capt. was engaged in a similar caper on my way home a couple of nites ago I call “Sidewalk Hopping.” It's th same kinda thing but with a small variation. Whut ya do here, as I'm sure ya can guess, is ya run up a hill as fast as ya can, and when ya get to th crest, ya leap as far as ya can, soarin sometimes 4 or 5 feet through the air. And as yer flyin through th air, it is appropriate, even de riguer, to yell out a hearty "YAHOOOO" or something similar.

Of course, once again, th landing is whut it's all about here, and I wanna' tell ya, it can get pretty darned tricky. One can easily scrape one's knees rather badly, causin major boo-boo's if ya miscalculate. Oh sure, you could wear some kneepads and eliminate this threat, but then, whut the hell would be the point? This, after all is th source of th Exhilaration; ...th Risk... the Gamble....th Uncertainty. THIS.. is whut it's all about boyz and gurlz!! Gettin that adrenaline pumpin!!

SO....this evening, if ya find yerself in a particularly bold and daring mood....if ya feel like pushin th envelope....balls ta th walls....full-tilt-boogie,

TRY THIS!!
the capt

P.S. And don't forget the hearty, "YAHOOOOOO" as ya leave th ground. Fer some reason, it enhances th experience.

(Here we have a subtle attempt on my part to move you away from, and distract you from my earlier faux pas in my math calculations. Sheeit, anybody can make a little mistake. I have been studying th Bush Administration and applying proven methods here. Pretty clever huh? These two authors aren't th only creative peoples around, eh!)


Subject: Another Chili Coup in th Kitchen
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:16 PM

I have been ill with th flu th past few days. This is why I've been writin when I shoulda been drinkin. I hate that when it happens. So.... how in th fuck do I get th flu before th flu season even arrives? I dunno. I think I musta got it from th pages of th Beiijin Picayune I've been readin. Or, maybe, like so many other things, I'm jus Lucky, perhaps?

But in any case, I jus got done samplin' some chili I prepared last nite. This is very cool, cuz once again, fer th second time in a row, it was excellent! Thas twice in two weeks I haven't been injured or had to call th fire dept. or transformed my chili into a black block of lava. So, thas definitely a sign of Progess, don'cha think!

Hmmmm, I wonder? Is this just a fluke? This success twice in a row? Or whether tihs indicates that perhaps.....jus maybe.... after thirty-five years of Futility........ I am finally startin to get th hang......of that chili thang? hmmmmm. I wonder?

the capt

P.S. Say, how bout you boyz and gurlz; do you like ta eat hot spicy chili when yer sick too. Cuz if ya do; Man you are sick too!


Subject: The cap't goes out on a limb. (and chops it off behind himself!!)
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 2:50 AM

OK, I've said this before; but I'm gonna say it again. I am goin to make a bold, audacious prediction here. You will scoff! You will jeer! You will make disparaging and unflatterin remarks about me. You'll say things like,

"Are you out of ye fuckin mind?"

or maybe,

"What manner of psychedelic have you done now?"

or maybe,

"We knew the cap't was on his way; but this time...he has definitely left the dock!!"
But, ya see, thas what captains do!....... They leave th dock....... and travel thru unchartered waters and bring news of their newfound discoveries back to those who elected to stay home and watch Jerry Springer. So, I'm used to th barbs. I've learned to deal with th critical ridicule sent my way over the years. Tha's just the way it is. Hey ese, No big deal!

So, lemme give ya a little background here first, so as to soften th impact of my prediction. When I wuz a young dude, granted, quite a long time ago, back in the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, guys wore their hair short and gurls wore their hair long. It wuz easy to tell a guy from a gurl from behind; th guy had a crew cut...th gurl had long hair. Th only exception to this wuz th Hell's Angels and not many peoples ever confused an 'Angel' for a gurl.

Guys got haircuts. they didn't get their hair 'styled'. They got a haircut!! They definitely didn't get their hair permed!!

Guys did not wear bracelets; gurls wore bracelets. Oh, ya might wear a silver "ID" bracelet, but that wuz about it.

Same thing with rings. A guy might wear a high school ring, but not many guys wore rings strictly as an 'accessory'.

Necklaces were fer gurls. Guys did not wear necklaces!! Period. Except fer maybe a St. Christopher medal, which wuz strictly a practical matter, like, to keep ya from gettin' squashed when ya were attemptin to beat th train at th crossing. But still, worn under th shirt. Th only other exception being some members of th Hell's Angels who could wear whutever th hell they wanted

Guys did not wear or carry purses, or bags strapped over their shoulders. Only gurls carried their books to school in bags. Guys carried their books under their arms. (those guys who bothered to carry books anyway Ha ha)

Only gurls wore earrings! No guy ever went to school or out drinkin and raisin hell with his buddies wearin an earring! With the exception of the Hell's Angels and unless you were wishin to be th object of a righteous gang-stompin, ya didn't pay any noticeable attention to it.

One dude I knew in 62' had a ring in his nose, a ring in his ear, with a chain connectin them both. Whew! Quite a statement in 1962! Ya didn't want ta fuck with a dude wearin a chain between his nose and his ear. Uh huh. No! That said at th time,

"I AM ONE BAD MUTHERFUCKER!!"

But, today, maybe not such a big deal.

Gurls back in those days did not wear Levis. Guys wore Levis.

Gurls did not play soccer! Whoever in this country had even heard of soccer? Nor rugby. Gurls did not become boxers! Or cops! Or firemen! (see, they called em 'fireMEN fer a good reason. ditto policeMEN, etc) Or iron workers. They didn't fly B-52s or F-16s! They were taught how to sew and darn socks and domestic stuff like that. (Oh, th old days. sigh. Ha ha) If a gurl wanted a career, she could become a secretary.

Gurls didn't wear boots of any kind. Well, not the kind of boots ya see gurls today wear as ordinary footwear.

Gurls didn't have tattoos. Sheeit, hardly any guys had tattoos. Maybe guys who had been in th service, or in th joint, or wuz a member of the Hell's Angels. Sheeit, when ya stop and think about it, th Angels were way ahead of their time, sartorially speaking, weren't' they?

OK, having said all this, I jus wanted to lay down a bit of precedence for my prediction, and here it is,
WITHIN TEN YEARS, MEN WILL BE WEARING LIPSTICK AND MAKEUP!!! as casually as gurls do now. IT'S GONNA' HAPPEN!!

This trend, has been goin on a long time now. (see above) with all of th blurring of traditional and cultural distinctions between guyz and gurlz, This is simply th next step. So, I want ya to be prepared...so that one day, when yer son comes to th breakfast table, before school wearin lipstick and make up, and yer first reaction would be to say,

"Whut in the hell do you think you're doing, young man?? you're not leaving this house like that."
and yer son says,

"Oh com'on mom/dad, all of the Cool Dudes at school look like this."

and naturally yer riposte would be,

"I suppose if all the Cool Dudes at school wanted to jump off a cliff, you would too, huh?"

You can fight it if ya want, but eventually, yer jus gonna have to accept it. Maybe it will be easier if ya remember,

"Curses!! Th cap't said this wuz gonna happen, but I didn't believe him at th time. And now... here it is!"

Ya know whut tho? As I sit here writing this, while wearin three rings, a bracelet, a necklace, long permed hair and an ear ring, personally, this next time around....... I'm gonna take a pass!! And all th young dudes, they be lookin and sayin,

"Lookit that old geezer! haha. He old school! Got no make-up on at all. Ain't even wearin no lipstick.

Sheeit, whut's with these old codgers?"

the cap't

P.S. Hey ya'll, please don't shoot me, I'm only th messenger!!



              
              
                 

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