November 27, 2005
Dreck is The Captain...always
planning a more
Cap't Hoohah, Sleuth and PI Investigates, "th Case of th Missing Eggs"
Date: Saturday, November 26, 2005 5:02 PM
Earlier today, I decided to fix myself a couple of eggs. I jus bought
a six-pak yesterday. I hadn't had any eggs for many months. I wuz
eagerly lookin forward to em.
Th carton struck me as a bit light when I took em outta th fridge,
and then to my shock and dismay, when I opened th package there were
only four eggs there. Well, that explained why th carton felt so light,
but I wondered; whut in th hell happened to th rest of th eggs? I
said ta myself
"Whut th fu....?"
Whut happened to my eggs? Where are they? Why did those assholes
sell me a six-pak that only contained four eggs? I got my calculator
out and determined I wuz TWO eggs short! Sheeeit.
I started planning my tirade to th store manager in my head. I wuz gonna give im a piece of my mind. Sheeeit, whut kinda grocery operation they runnin anyway? Can't even give ya a proper count on yer eggs?
Whut's up with that?
While all this wuz runnin thru my head I took two eggs out and got
my favorite fryin pan outta th fridge. I wuz scrapin some kinda meat
stuff off em when I perceived somethin wuzn't right. I looked closer.
There wuz egg residue there. On my fryin pan. Usin certain techniques
I gleamed from some CSI shows, I wuz able ta determine that th egg
residue wuz less than 24 hours old.
"Hmmm", I thought.This is suspicious. I am missing two
eggs: There is egg residue on my skillet. Zounds!This could be a clue.
I "Hmmmmm", some more.
I see two possible scenarios here,
One: While I wuz racked out last night a very skilled cat burgular
silently slithered into my crib and slipped two eggs right out of
th carton and then carefully put th carton back where it wuz. Th whole
time I'm doin th Z thing. Zonked, y'know.
OR....th other possibility,
Two: I ate th fuckin eggs in a drunken stupor.
Now, between th two possibilities there is quite a lot of precedence
for Scenario # 2. This eating of things early in th morn with no recollection
th next day has been done before. But...I refuse to make a Rush to
Judgement. This happens quite frequently, oft times leavin egg on
I am going to continue to look into th matter and weigh th evidence.
I will, of course keep you informed of any new developments that might,
y'know, like, develop.
th cap't, PI
The St. Louis Gateway Arch
Date: Thursday, November 24, 2005 5:03 PM
For those of you who are interested, th Arch is 630 feet high and
630 long, so it's height and length are th same. Gee! Is that amazin
Now, jus how this bit of information will enhance yer Life, I leave
entirely up to you. Make of it whut you will.
P.S. My son, who works at th Hyatt Regency there in St Louie tells
me that many peoples ask him about info on th Ark? Ha ha. Thas what
a lotta em call it; th Ark. It seems ta me that if they're lookin
fer an Ark, they might have better luck searchin th nooks, crannies
and gullies of Mt Arrat instead of St Louie cuz locals there say,
"Hey ese, we ain't got no steeenking Arks!"
George and th Turkey
Date: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 8:04 PM
Hey ya'll did'ja happen ta see th pic in th paper today of George
standin there with his arm on th Thanksgiving Turkey?
Man, there's gotta be a rilly humorous caption waiting to be atached
to that. I jus can't think of it myself, but it's there and is crying
out fer some one ta come up withh it!
Date: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 6:07 PM
My friend Ms Katia sent this my way. Thought you might get a little
chuckle outta it too. I think it was written by Arianna Huffington,
but I'm not sure.
News straight from an unimpeachable source
"Pardoned" Turkey To Be Held At Guantanamo.
The National Turkey, pardoned by President Bush in the traditional
White House pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, will be held captive at the
US military installation in Guantanamo. The turkey, said to weigh
in the tens of pounds, will be interned at the request of Vice President
Dick Cheney, who is concerned that it may have been raised on a farm
A source close to the Vice President, speaking on condition of sycophantic
proximity to power which journalists mistake for actual reporting,
stated "it's been pretty well verified" the turkey may have
had access to various biological and chemical substances, including
what has been termed by a Pentagon informant as "a potential
basting agent". Yet sources within the State Department disputed
the claims of the informant, code named "Butterball", citing
his envy of natural juiciness.
Republican leaders, meanwhile, rushed back to Capitol Hill to pass
a "sense of the Congress" resolution that pardoning the
turkey would "send the wrong message to our stomachs". While
Democrats argued that the wording of an Amnesty International report
which found that the turkey had already been subjected to repeated
"beatings, electric shock and waterboarding" had been changed
by someone within the administration to simply read "tenderized".
The Vice President's long time suspicion of turkeys and food in general
is set to be chronicled in a new book by Bob Woodward, "Cheney
At Dinner". The book, Woodward's 27th court hagiography this
year, portrays Mr. Cheney as embittered by repeated attempts to get
food into his twisted mouth, which has resulted in painful fork wounds
to his lips and teeth, causing him to take all nourishment through
President Bush, aides say, remains focused on clearing the two remaining items off his schedule, a bike ride and a nap, so he can head to Crawford for Thanksgiving and return sometime after Arbor Day.
Da Moon! Da Moon!
Date: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 5:43 PM
OK ya'll, we've covered this ground before. Ya know, there are some
things I go off on regularly. I know you know that. Perhaps ya've
heard my thoughts on th bicyclist/cell-phone abuser/walker/ pedestrian/jogger
genre before? They bug me and I jus can't shake em. They cause me
ta rant, and rave, and wave my arms about wildly, while spittle flies
in all directions.
So, altho I'm in danger here of addin tinder ta th fires of those
who suggest I change my name from Cap't Hoohah ta "Cap't Redundant",
I'm gonna go over this again. It's about th Moon. Here below is somthin
I wrote about this about six months ago.
Th' most pervasive movie scene cliche EVER!!
This cliche is every where. It started no doubt in horror/mystery
movies, but now ya' can't get away from it.
Think about it! Ya've seen that scene hundreds of times. Now one
can understand it's place in certain genres where it's supposed ta'
invoke a sense of dread, or fear, or mystery, or suspense, y'know,
somthin' like that. All directors of such material continue ta' use
it even tho it's been done ta' death, and then again some!! Over and
over ad nauseum. But, no matter. Ya' jus' can't get away from it.
Watch any CSI. Any episode of Survivor will have at
least three shots of it. Ditto with Amazing Race. But then,
you will see this in th' most unexpected places. I can't believe how
many times I've been watchin' some show, and it could be any damn
thing, and all of a sudden, there's this brief shot of th' full moon
and it has absolutely nothin' whut-so-ever ta' do with any thing that's
goin' on. And I'm wonderin',
"Why in th' fuck did they jus' show a shot of th' full moon
with clouds passin' by partially obscurin it?"
If ya' pay attention you will even see this scene in sit-coms fer
some unfathomable reason. I mean, it's like a director says ta' some
"Hey, this here would be a good place ta' put that moon shot
And one of his assistants goes,
"But Sid, this is a scene where Joey loses an important phone
"I don't give a shit. Jus give me th' godam full moon shot!"
"OK. OK. Take it easy, will'ya! Hey boss, ya' want passin' clouds
with that, or whut?"
OK boyz and gurlz, keep yer eyes peeled and watch fer it. Ya' gotta
pay attention now, cuz ya've seen it so many times, it hardly even
registers. It flashes on and ya' don't even think about it, but next
time ya' see it ask yerself,
"Why did they jus' show me a picture of th' full moon? Whut
does it mean?"
Tues. Nov. 23/05
OK, so check this out. Th next time you're watchin Monday nite football, pay attention and somewhere durin th course of th game they will show ya a shot of th moon. They will even zoom in on it for a close-up.
WHY? WHY? WHY? What th fuck does th state of th moon have ta do with
th godam football game?? I have seen this th past three weeks. Why,
oh why do they do this?
Now, six months ago, my buddy, Mistuh Booga, in reply to this query
wrote me to tell me that th' full moon is a masculine lunar archetype
and further, that archetypes can have powerful effect on mood and
emotions in many peoples.
Aw'right, I can dig that! But still, whut th fuck does it have ta
do with a football game? Thas whut I wanna know!!
I mean, are th guys in th control room aware of this? Are they doin'
this consciously or whut? Or, are they actin' as unwitting accomplices
in some one else's nefarious scheme? Jus' exactly whut is their Agenda
anyway? Is there some kinda conspiracy involved? And more ta' th'
point; is it directed at MOI?
Is Nixon involved? He would be my prime suspect. Or as they say in these days, "a person of interest". Ya' notice how law enforcement types today don't have, "SUSPECTS" any more, only "Persons Of Interest".
And if th fiend, Nixon th Dick, is behind it? To whut purpose? Whut
is his agenda in pushing this archetype on us alla time?
Well sheeit, who can fathom th' mysterious workins' of a devious
mind such as his, eh?!
But there is somthin unholy in it. I can see that!
All I can do is try ta' limit my exposure. Give up Monday nite football
fer one thing, and from now on, I'm gonna find out before hand, if
th' movie I'm rentin' or goin' ta' see, has any objectionable scenes
in it, like, shots of th' full moon with clouds passin over.
P.S. I can't help but wonder whut kind of impression these scenes are havin' on our youth? Do th' good peoples on th' Kansas Board of Education know about this threat? I'll bet some of those so-called "science books" over there have pictures of th Moon in em with some kinda arcane explanation of how it wuz formed, when it's so obvious that th Intelligent Designer put it there fer our night time enjoyment. As always, th' questions are many, tho answers be few!
The Brand New Bag - Issue #74
Date: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:56 AM
I am passing this along. I have no idea who this "Brand New
Bag" outfit is, or how I came to be on their mailing list? One
day a couple of weeks ago I got my first issue. Since then, they come
two or three times a week.
I suspect someone I know subscribed me, cuz they are a left-leaning,
anti-Bush kinda operation, which describes me somewhat, and I generally
agree with most of their views, so I haven't made any effort to un-subscribe
myself Th following piece below is typical of their flavor.
Dear Followers of Comedy Central:
Most things are funny because they remind us how sad and tragic life
can be. Comic heroes in film, like Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, Martin Lawrence,
Eddie Murphy, etc. are constantly getting into "trouble"
and then somehow finding a way out of it. In the process, we in the
audience get to vicariously observe their pain and laugh at their
troubles. They are often funny because they play on the "edge"
of human tragedy. If they didn't turn their problems into laughter,
they would probably make us cry.
So it is with the current President of the United States. He has
become a buffoon to a majority of Americans. We now watch and listen
to him, knowing that he is unintentionally capable of hilarious behavior.
We never know what to expect, but we KNOW he'll do something humorous
and dumb. Bush is the embodiment of the tragicomic figure. Clueless
and unaware, he stumbles from one stage to another, all the while
acting like he's a great leader in charge of changing the world, while
we in the audience howl with laughter as he always screws things up.
Here's to laughter, it beats the alternative!
Right on! Right on! Well put. Th man does provide beau-coup chuckles
for us. Th only problem is that, as a result of his bumblings, WE,
that is, You and Me, and th rest of th World, must bear th brunt of
th effect of his Buffoonery. And thas not always so funny!!
Hit Man Wanted! (or Hit Gurl, I'm not particular)
Date: Sunday, November 20, 2005 5:20 PM
Whutever you do, jus don't tell th peoples from PETA about this.
We wanna keep this caper on th QT, otherwise they'll be picketing
my house and chanting insulting slogans at me.
My problem, you see, is my neighbor dawg. He lives next door to me.
I've told ya about him on several occasions. He likes ta bark. He
barks at squirrels. He barks at birds, passing cars, pedestrians,
sheeit, he barks at passing clouds. No event is too small to merit
And if there's nothin happenin around, th sumbitch barks jus ta hear
And once he starts, he doesn't stop. He doesn't pause. He lives about
ten feet from my sofa where I live.
I WANT HIM DEAD!!!!
I'm thinkin a Black Talon right between th eyes oughta do th trick.
If yer interested, contact my secretary so we an arrange a date when
I will be outta town, for I will surely be a prime suspect. I will
leave th details up to you, however I do have one caveat. Jus before
you squeeze that trigger, I want ya ta tell him,
"Th cap't sends his regards. Adios mutherfucker!!!!"
Maybe other doggies in th hood will get th message and cease and
desist in their own bakings, and bayings and howlings.
Planning fer a more peaceful Tomorrow!
P.S. Hey, ya know whut I think; if a solid hour of non-stop barking is not enuff ta relieve a dawg's stress and frustrations, he deserves th Peace and Serenity only a good dirt nap can provide, ya know whut Imean!
Th Fog Is Rollin In.
Date: Wed, Nov 16, 2005, 5:52 PM
Earlier today I made extensive preparations ta do my quarterly laundry
operation. I put all th white things in one bag, all th jeans things
in another, and so on and so forth, y'know, in my usual methodical
fashion. A proper place fer everything, and everything in it's proper
place. Thas my motto.
When I arrived at th laundro-mat I got out of th car and wuz getting
ready ta unload and then said ta myself,
"Whut th fu.......?"
And I scratched my head in consternation there fer a second, standin
in th parking lot, cuz, like, there weren't any fuckin laundry bags
in th car!!! Then I remembered,
Oh sheeit, I left th godam things on th front porch so I wouldn't
have ta carry em all th way around ta th back of th house where my
ride wuz parked. Evidently, I jus hopped in and drove right on down
th driveway and didn't stop ta pick em up. Jus fergot em and left
em on th damn porch. DAMN!! TEN THOUSAND CURSES!!!
Normally I rationalize these kindsa lapse's and say,
"Whut th hell, I wuz jus drunk and stoned....so, like, whadda
But this happened right in th middle of th afternoon boyz and gurlz.....th
sun wuz shinin.... and I wuz stone cold sober. And drug-free ta boot!!
I'm beginnin ta feel like Danny Crane from Boston Legal. Sheeit!
Pray tell, jus whut th fuck is goin on here? Are Nixon's minions clouding
my mind in some devilish manner? Is somebody spikin my drinks with,
"Stoopid Pills" or somthin? I dunno.
P.S. Would someone please drive me ta th Loony Bin? No point in givin
me directions cuz I'd prolly ferget em anyway! I'd jus wind up drivin
around til I ran outta gas!!!
Then I'd be's hitch-hikin til some one stopped and said,
"Hey yo dude! Where ya goin?"
and I'd say, "I dunno man, beats th shit outta me! Maybe do some laundry or somthin?"
Interesting Little Math Exercise. Help th cap't.
Date: Wednesday, November 16, 2005 1:15 PM
Aw'right, I jus passed this along to ya a couple of days ago. Texas
Sue sent it to me originally. Th chocolate math/age exercise. Here
it is again. My question is at th bottom.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like
to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
Pretty cool, eh! But ya know what gang, in thinkin on this thing
and tryin to figure out how it works.
Because at no place in it do you insert th present year as part of
th equation. So why is th year 2005 pertinent? Why then, would this
be th only year it would work? Whut difference does it make?
OK, so whut I want ya ta do is this; this coming New Year's Eve,
right after th stroke of midnight, after ya've drank yr champagne
toast and got yer smoochin done, when it has become 2006, get yer
pencil out and try this. I'm suspectin it will work then too! But,
please contact me with yer results. I'll most likely be too fucked
up ta be doin any cypherin myself.
HUGE FRAUD RING OF OLD GEEZERS EXPOSED IN KC
Date: Monday, November 14, 2005 12:05 PM
Yesterday, a large fraud ring composed of mostly old geezers was
finally exposed here in KC. These charlatans had been masquerading
as a football team called th Kansas City Chiefs, hereafter to be known
as "Your Chief's".
Evidently they had been operating undetected under this guise for
some time, fooling even famous sports pundits, including Cap't Hoohah,
whose post game comment,
"Jeeeze, whut a bunch of fuckin frauds!!"
pretty much summing up th feelings of other gullible victims. he
"Oh my, this is sooo fucking embarrassing!"
In four quarters of unimaginably pathetic, bumbling efforts they
only managed to score THREE points!!!!! After th game was mercifully
over, many members were immediately whisked in their wheelchairs back
to th rest home.
Members of th KC Fraud Squad are looking into allegations that these
buffoons had regularly been charging local citizens outrageous sums
of money, purportedly to watch professional football games. It is
further alleged that they had a giant scheme to fleece these same
gullible victims out of hundreds of millions of dollars to finance
lavish improvements to their stadium so they could continue their
In a masterful, classic sting operation, they were lured to Buffalo
NY, where th hapless Buffalo Bills, were able to demonstrate th degree
of Ineptness of these so-called Chiefs ability to act like a real
professional football team. (and peoples wonder why Indians find them
demeaning?) Maybe Justice will be now done and these perpetrators
can be sent off into oblivion where they belong.
Ed. note: Capt Hoohah, vigorously denying that he had been taken
in too, said after th game, in disgust,
Keepin th Young Folks On th Straight
Date: Sunday, November 13, 2005 1:40 AM
I read in today's paper where in Kansas and Missouri more than 1500
accidents occurred last year as a result of peoples talking on their
cell phones at th time.
Now of course, ya know that these figures are wildly inaccurate;
that they are waay under reported, that they are actually only th
tip of th iceberg, cuz, like, how many peoples do ya think tell th
investigating officer that they were distracted, cuz they were lookin
fer their ringin phone at th time. Or that they were so engrossed
in finding out th score of th game, that they went right thru th stop
sign. Not very damned many I would wager!!
Out of these accidents, one third involved, were young peoples under
th age of twenty-one! So, th authorities are lookin fer ways to prohibit
young peoples from talkin and drivin. It's fer their own good. Mebbe
pass some other kinda stupid law aimed at th younger set. Like, gotta
be twenty-one to drink. Whut a crock! Gotta be twenty-one to go into
an X-rated video store, Sheeit. Once again; whut a crock!! A young
person is old enuff to get their ass shot off, old enuff to lead other
troops in combat, old enuff ta get married, old enuff ta vote, but
not old enuff to look at porn? Or have a drink? Gimme a fuckin break,
This brand of Hypocrisy cracks me up. In this case, they are totally
ignorin th two thirds majority of these accidents, cuz they were caused
by adults you see. It's perfectly all right fer adults to do these
irresponsible things, but not young peoples. Young peoples need to
learn responsibility before you let em talk on their phones like th
dumb-ass Irresponsible adults you see rappin and wheelin about without
I mean, so many peoples now get in their cars and figure that it
is a good time to relieve th boredom of drivin home after work. So,
they scratch their heads for a second, until they can think of some
one to call.
How many times have ya been approachin an intersection and a car
turns towards you and they have swung right into yer lane and almost
clip yer left front fender, cuz, well shit, it's hard to turn and
hold that fukin phone in yer ear. So ya make yer turn a bit wide?
"So what! Quit yer bitchin. I'm tryin ta talk ta Susie here!"
How many peoples do ya see blow right thru red lights yappin away? Blatantly!! Not yellow, but already red for a couple of seconds. Completely oblivious. Half th time they weren't even aware of it.
They were rappin with Susie, ya'see and a bit distracted. Like, whut
How many peoples do ya see sit right thru a green-light cycle at
th intersection while tryin ta make a left turn? Well, sheeit, it's
hard ta carry on a conversation with Susie and figure out when it's
finally clear ta turn!
How many times do ya have ta honk yer horn ta let th fucknut idiot
in front of ya know that th light has turned green several seconds
ago, and they can go now? Once again; it's that Susie.
How many times has th car in th lane next ta ya started driftin right
towards yer side and ya gotta hit yer horn ta let em know they're
about ta run into ya? And so forth and so on.
Ya may not be aware of this but a number of studies have shown that
cell phone users (abusers) have accidents at th same frequency as
drunk drivers. This is true! And yet these same peoples would tsk,
tsk, a person drivin while drinkin and chastise em as bein unsafe,
irresponsible and inconsiderate, but have no qualms whutsoever bout
gettin on their phone as soon as they start their engine; before they've
even pulled outta their parking space, fr'chrissake! They will tell
ya that they're very careful when talkin on their phone; right up
to th point jus before they run into a tree.
Do ya remember here jus a while back where a guy ran right into th
back of a truck on th hiway doin repairs? He hit his brakes jus feet
away from th impact. I've always been curious about th conversation
he wuz havin! Do ya think he wuz rappin with Susie?
I mean, let's keep in mind that two out of three of all these accidents
were caused by adults. It jus seems so obvious ta me that ya simply
don't allow ANYONE ta use their phones while drivin, unless it's an
emergency! Some states already do this.
Why this double standard? Well I suppose it's cuz they're Adults
and Mature beings. Whereas th young kids are, well, Young and Immature.
Ya can't have young and immature kids yakkin it up on their phones
while drivin. It's irresponsible, dammit. How many times we gotta
say it? Altho, well, on th other hand, it seems that it's perfectly
OK fer irresponsible adults to yak away all they want. I guess it's
obvious but I dunno tho; fer some reason somthin doesn't smell right
So, I'm all fer NOT lettin kids use their phones while drivin! Yep,
jus as long as they apply that rule to all th other peoples too. Like,
th Geezers, (they're th worst) th Bimbos, (nah, I think they're th
worst) and th macho assholes. (now, they're definitely th worst)
EVERYONE in short!!
Now, if you good peoples will excuse me, I'm in between saloons at
th moment and I gotta catch last call, and altho I've
had a few beers, I'm gonna be careful. Promise. And I'm NOT gonna
be on my cell phone. (that would be Irresponsible)
P.S. Man, that Susie chik causes a lotta problems, don't she? Hey,
I gotta idea; mebbe th best compromise solution would be ta jus make
it illegal ta talk ta Susie!!
Where did we come from?
Date: Wednesday, November 9, 2005 10:31 PM
OK boyz and gurlz, some peoples criticise Evolution on th grounds
that it doesn't fully explain Everything. Well, OK, it doesn't. They
say there are holes and discrepancies in it. Well, OK, there are.
Then, when he realised how horny his MAN was; he took one of his
ribs out (ouch) and made Wo-MAN! Myself, I'm kinda wonderin why he
just didn't do that "dust thing" again? I'm sure Adam woulda'
agreed with me on that one, eh. But hey, whut do I know? I do know
tho that sometimes, MAN said ta hisself,
"Whoa, like, whut th fuck did I do ta deserve this?"
and Wo-MAN replied,
"Hey Jack, I liked it a helluva lot better bein a rib, so FUCK
YOU and th horse you rode in on!"
Now some of you gurls might resent that you were jus kinda an afterthought
in this belief system, but look here, if it's any consolation ta ya,
jus remember; th Intelligent Designer works in Mysterious Ways, and
can be pretty darned hard ta fathom sometimes, ya dig! So don't try
and make any sense outta it, OK, cuz, like, ya'll jus make yer pretty
little heads hurt.
OK boyz and gurlz, Th answer ta th question?
Dust and Ribs!!.
There ya have it. Thas where we all came from. No foolishness bout
no steenking meenkeys! How silly is that, compared ta dust and ribs?
Fortunately, if ya happen ta be lucky enuff ta live in Kansas, ya
won't have ta bother with any of that pesky Evolution crap, cuz yer
mommies and daddies fixed it so ya don't hav'ta pollute yer minds
with that kinda nonsense, and ya can grow up ta be a bunch of cretins
jus like them.
P.S. Hey now kids, don't get me wrong here, cuz, like, some of my
best friends are Kansans! Thas right! Th problem is they jus let th
Village Idiots and th Loony Tunes take control. tsk, tsk.
Once Ya Got Th Momentum Goin...
Date: Wednesday, November 9, 2005 7:24 PM
My contacts on th streets tell me that, bolstered by their recent
victory of Intelligent Design v Evolution, th Kansas Board of Education's
next move is to promote th Stork Theory v Childbirth in Sex Ed. classes.
No doubt, bein Kansans, it too shall pass!
Undesirable Elements in our Society: A Possible Solution
Date: Wednesday, November 9, 2005 7:02 PM
Aw'right, aw'right, I know, I oft times sound like a broken record,
same ol' shit, over and over, alla time, ad nauseum! But I had a rather
exasperatin day as I drove about th environs, cruisin th highways
and byways, and sufferin three near misses. But hell, this is typical.
I'm rappin bout th bicyclists, and joggers and walkers and cell phone
abusers. Th nice weather seems ta bring these varmints outta their
I think it's godammit time th Federal Government stepped in and set
up forthwith, Re-education Camps fer this obnoxious and dangerous
element and, especially those recreational walkers, with those Walkmans
attached, jivin along, swingin their arms back and forth in that ridiculous
way that they do. I mean, honestly, even if you, yerself do this,
ya gotta admit, it looks pretty fuckin goofy. I am tired of these
fuckers getting in my way, causin me to take evasive action, thereby
makin me rend my hair and gnash my teeth while shakin my fist at em.
All this rendin and gnashin, constantly, every day is startin ta wear
They might also make eligible fer Rehabilitation, anyone out in public
with a cell phone in their ear, instead of up their ass, which to
my way of thinkin would be much more appropriate.
Personally, I think that if ya should happen ta run over one of these
critters, Ha ha, (scuse' me, I'm sorry, could'n help myself, cuz'
th mere idea brings a mental picture ta mind which causes me ta chortle
in contemplation) they (the perp) should be fined right on th spot,
before th ambulance carts em away, for any damages their bodies may
have caused ta yer vehicle. And if they don't survive, perhaps their
next of kin could at least spring for a night of drinks fer ya, ta
help compensate fer yer loss of valuable time and such.
I think these camps could be set up along th lines of Mao's Education
Centers durin the Cultural Revolution, which were then further refined
by Pol Pot's efforts in Cambodia back in the late 70s with certain
elements of the Cambodian populace (about 2 million) who just 'weren't
with the Program'!!
Ya know I hate cliches, but none th less, here goes; drastic problems
require drastic solutions, don'cha' think?
Date: Wednesday, November 9, 2005 5:33 PM
You guys have once again made yourselves th laughing stock of th
country, but don't be shy, after all, you deserve it. No one just
handed you that honor; you earned it all by yourselves.
P.S. I gotta tell ya tho; it's embarrassing living next door to ya!!!
Chiefs vs Raiders:
Th Cap't, Sports Guru and Visionary, speaks out.
Date: Tuesday, November 8, 2005 5:24 PM
Hey ya'll, listen, If you like pro football and if you like the Chiefs
and if you saw Sunday's game, you had to enjoy that. I mean, the Chiefs
take a chance on a last play of th game gamble; and they Win!!! It
was pretty damned exciting, eh!
As I sat there while Vermeil and his staff pondered the wisdom of
going fer the touchdown I was jumping up and down screaming,
"Go fer it! Goddamit! Go fer it."
I glanced around sheepishly, to see if anybody had caught my outburst,
and realised, that since I was home, alone. it was OK and thus yelled
even louder. Of course every one I have talked to since tells me they
too we're sayin th same thing. Yeah right!! It would appear that not
a single person, any where, had any doubts about it! Th thing is tho;
that I really DID think they should go fer it, whereas I think many
peoples are jus jumpin on th 'shulda-gone-fer-it' bandwagon just for
the ride, if ya know whut I mean?
I'm pretty amused tho of what I've heard bout coach's decision. It's
been referred to as, "bold", "gritty", and, "gutsy",
seems to be the most prevalent reaction. Peoples are elevating Vermeil
to my status as a Seer and Visionary. I think many believe he ought
to be Knighted, in spite of the fact we have left that peculiar ritual
to the Brits, lo, these many years. He's being hailed far and wide
and the praise and accolades are raining down on him like a summer
But, imagine for a second, if you will. what they would be saying
about him had they failed to score? They would be heaping scorn, ridicule,
and derision on him like, well, like a summer thunderstorm. Peoples
would be saying of him.
"What he fuck was he thinking? What a stupid-ass call. He just
blew whatever chance we might have had for the playoffs on that one
insane call. Zounds! What a fuckin jerk!"
No one would be saying,
"Well, in spite of the fact he totally blew it, you still have
to give him credit for making a 'gutsy' call."
In a post game interview, when the obligatory question was asked
of him about what was going thru his mind, Dick said,
"I was praying. I really was."
Yeah, Dick you and a couple of million other peoples were praying.
Praying for their god to use some of his supernatural powers so that
their team might win a mid-season football game against their hated
rival. This never fails to amuse me that peoples do this, like, god
"Oh man, all these peoples are wanting me to let him make a
touchdown and all these other peoples are wanting me to make him fail.
What a quandary! Oh what's a God to do? Either way, somebody's gonna
be pissed! But what the heck, that Bobby Jones there in KC is a good
god-fearing man and has been going to church every Sunday, worshipping
me, and, well, quite frankly, I admit, I kinda get off on that. And
besides he's offered to drop an extra ten spot in the plate next Sunday."
Yeah, evidently, god favors good, clean living mid-westerners with
good FAMILY VALUES over a bunch of gangster thugs from babylonian
California. I'm sure that was a no-brainer for God. (scuse me God
hehe just a figure of speech Ha ha)
OK, so, It's important to remember that when you are making critical
decisions, to keep in mind that peoples don't have any sympathy for
you if you're wrong. Nope, Not one bit. Nada.
On the other hand, if you're right, you're in like Flynn! ("in
like Flynn" remember that one?) You'll be a Hero! But..... you
got to be Right!!! Otherwise you'll just be more flotsam and jetsam
in the river of History.
Think of all the bad decisions peoples have made thru out history?
What if they had gone the other way?
What if Lee had not ordered Pickett to attack at Gettysburg?
What if Germany had Not declared war on us immediately after we declared
war on Japan?
What if Napoleon had decided Not to sell us the Louisiana Territories?
What if Geo. Bush Senior had just gone on ahead into Baghdad in GW1?
What if Kruschev had ordered Soviet ships to continue on their way
to Cuba, defying Kennedy's ultimatum?
(well, in that last scenario, I wouldn't be sitting here writing
you, and you wouldn't be sitting there reading it, because after even
a limited nuclear war, things are different, you know
whut I mean!
OK gang, everybody after me,
"All hail Dick Vermeil!!!"
P.S. Listen up; should you ever be a head football coach and find
yourself in a critical situation, and you just don't know what to
do, ask yourself this question,
"What would Jesus do?"
and act accordingly.
English Gone Mad
Date: Saturday, November 5, 2005 12:08 PM
My amigo, Mike G. sent these to me. Pretty amusin .
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. (Ha ha. this is good)
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. (damn that MD 20/20!)
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (th best of th bunch, my favorite)
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (profound)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. (makes sense,
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. (thas whut it's
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered. (I'll go along with that)
He had a photographic memory which was never developed. (I cn relate)
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at large. (Ha ha. thas good)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(watch that ego)
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. (I like this one)
Acupuncture is a jab well done. (touché)
A tired pontiff is too pooped to pope.
On the Downside Of Being A Geezer. When th Mind fades.
Date: Saturday, November 5, 2005 11:38 AM
I seem to be gettin so forgetful. Lately, I find myself searchin
my crib each day fer somthin or other, y'know, like, my keys, my phone,
my money, th TV remote, my glasses, my wallet, my comb, my check book,
etc, etc. It gets really frustrating sometimes. There is hardly a
day that goes by when I'm not lookin fer somethin.
I try puttin things in th same place all th time, y'know, that way
I'll always know where they are. Th problem begins tho, when they're
not in that place! That place where they're supposed ta be!! Sheeit,
then th search begins. And I start lookin. Everywhere. Like, fr'instance,
in my refrigerator.
Yep, in my searchings I always look in my fridge, cuz one time many
years ago when I had lost my glasses; after hours of futile searching,
I gave up on ever finding them, and went into th fridge for a coke
and there were my glasses! Sittin right there next to th milk. And
so, thas why I always look in my fridge if I'm lookin fer somethin,
cuz, ya never can tell!
I forget other stuff too, like, each nite I go out I take my cell
phone with me, and NO, I don't talk on it while I drive; I don't engage
in that kinda irresponsible, reckless behavior. I take in jus in case
I might need bail money or somthin, ya'know whut I mean. And 5 out
of 6 nights I forget to take it back in th house with me at th end
of th evening. Every morning I have to go outside and fetch my phone
outta th car. Each nite I tell myself that TONITE, I am going to remember
ta take my phone outta th car and each nite I forget it again. Whyizzat
do you suppose? Oh sure, I'm drunk and stoned, but still, thas no
Now, because of all these misplaced objects and general forgetfulness,
I find I am spending an inordinate amount of time each day trying
to remember if I've forgotten something! Sheeit. Does this kinda crap
happen ta other peoples too? I mean, like, regularly? Man, I'm getting
Real tired of this Real fast.
P.S. If this sorta thing happens ta you; are you a geezer too, or are ya just ignernt?
Th Nerve of Some Peoples!
Date: Saturday, November 5, 2005 10:30 AM
I received this from Cap't Hoohah a few minutes ago. Th Arrogant
Asshole! Who, in their right mind would want to visit with him anyway?
Th guy is delusional! While I don't doubt for a minute that there
have been knocks on his door, I seriously doubt that they have been
of a social nature. I think he just made th whole thing
up. Sincerely yours, (really) Joe Dreck
Subject: Remember, Visiting, like driving a car, is a Privilege,
Not a Right!
Recently, a friend of mine told me that he had stopped by my crib for a little social visit. He said, that although my cars were there, and that he could hear music playin, that I didn't respond to his knocks.
OK, now, looky here, jus cuz I didn't answer my door doesn't mean
that I am Paranoid and hidin out in my house. No, no, no! This reluctance
to answer my door can be traced back to an incident that occurred
a few years a few years earlier when answering a knock at th door,
I had a frightening encounter with, "The Beast Who Wouldn't Go
Away". It was horrible! Horrible, I tell you!! This friend of
mine needed a place to crash for a day or two. When somebody tells
ya they're only gonna be there fer a day or two, translation; that
means you jus acquired a new roomate, who gobbles yer food and swills
yer beer takes control of yer sofa and bums money from ya. Fortunately
fer me, a couple of days before th "Formal Adoption" process
became final, he mysteriously disappeared. Poof! Without a trace.
Haven't seen or heard from him since. Whut a shame, eh!
So now, even though it's been years; when I hear a knock, I'm afraid
it is going to be some official telling me that he's been located....
or worse.....Oh, th Horror..th Horror..... it will be HIMSELF!
As a result of that encounter, I have set up a Visitation System
designed to ensure I don't go thru that experience again. So, if you
would like to stop by some evening for a nice, pleasant, social visit
please follow th ensuing directions to expedite th process.
First; call my secretary on Mondays between 1:00 and 1:15 for a visiting
Please have all th relevant required information available at that
time. You will need th regular stuff, ie; name, place and date of
birth, (a birth certificate would be helpful. just fax it in) driver's
license, soc. security number, various credit or debit card numbers,
political and religious affiliations you may have belonged to in th
last five years and a few other details.
Normally, a minor background check will take four or five weeks so
that you can usually expect a "Visitation Date" within five
weeks of yer initial request. You will receive in th mail an "Official
Visitation Card" stating th day and time of yer visit.
On th night of your visit, please present this card with the obligatory
three forms of picture IDs and your "Visitation Code Number"
which you will receive by phone earlier in th day.
Once you have passed th fingerprint and eye scan, proceed into th
hallway and underneath the large blinking neon sign that says "WELCOME"
press th white button directly underneath. You will receive one of
several different recorded messages, accompanied with delightful background
music, all of which say in essence,
"I'm sorry, but i'm not available at the moment. Please call
my secretary to make a new appointment. and thanks for stopping by!"
Then, egress th premises and th next Monday call my secretary between
1:00 and 1:15 to re-schezhule yer appointment. Hope this helps.
P.S. Some peoples have noticed a strong resemblance to me and Major
Major in Catch-22.
Date: Thursday, November 3, 2005 5:22 PM
Ya know boyz and gurlz, sometimes it's better ta jus keep yer comments
ta yerself! Like, last night I wuz rappin with an amigo of mine. He's
an interesting dude and I always enjoy talkin with him and we were
discussin important battles in World History, y'know, one of those
early morning drunken conversations one gets into, and we had gone
thru a dozen or so and this jerk, sittin a couple stools down, who
wuz not part of our conversation butted in and said,
"Hey dudes! What about the battle of the OK Corral?"
Well, I let out a loud sarcastic guffaw! I said,
"The batlle of th OK Corral!! Are you serious? Hey dude, we're
talking about famous battles of the WORLD and yer talikin bout the
battle of the OK corral!!! Sheeit."
"Gimme a break jack, we're talkin about WORLD history and yer
talkin' about 'the battle of the OK Corral?! Ha ha. I mean, do ya
really think th gunfight at th OK Corral involvin maybe seven guys
is a Major Event in World History rankin up there with Waterloo and
Stalingrad and battles
Oh I went off on him I guarantee you; I didn't let him off easy.
After several minutes of ridiculin him rather unmercilessly, he finally
"OK, OK, I get it. Gimme some slack!"
and I said,
"Well, first of all, it would help if ya knew whut th fuck ya
were talkin about, and second and more importantly, maybe ya oughta
jus try mindin yer own business. and stayin outta other peoples conversations
and ya could eliminate situations like this altogether."
He said, "Yeah, yeah." and sulked fer a few minutes and
left. I jus never understood why total strangers feel th need ta interject
their views and comments in other peoples conversations. I find it
SOCCER; What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothin!!
Date: Wednesday, November 2, 2005 5:29 PM
I know that soccer is th most popular sport in th world, enjoyed
by many more peoples than our baseball or football, BUT, to me it
is nothing but eminently Boring!! I also am aware that many peoples
don't like our football, cus they don't like th staccato nature of
th game. Th stop and go of it is annoying to them.
But as an example of whut I don't like about soccer is; jus in th
past week or so I read about an important soccer match somewhere,
between someone, I didn't really get th details, but th end result
of this important soccer match after 90 minutes of play; th score,
0-0. This important soccer match ended in a draw, zero to zero!! Wow!
How fukin exciting that must have been huh?
Ya spend all those big bucks fer tickets, and parking, and a program,
and beer and whatever they offered at th concession stand and th end
result; a Tie!! Whut kinda fuckin nonsense is that?
Do ya suppose there was a single person in that stadium who couldn't
wait to tell their friends whut an exciting game it was watching those
two teams take th ball up and down th field fer 90 minutes and neither
one scored. Oh, th Excitement!!
"Oh man, what a great defensive contest it was. Ya shoulda been
Dumb! Dumb Dumb! No sports contest ought to ever wind up in a draw!
Altho I have seen a few great boxing matches in my time where it really
was a draw. Matches that were so evenly fought it woulda been a dis-service
to have picked a winner. Guys who slugged it out, toe to toe for th
entire match. Th winner jus depended on who ya liked, or more likely,
who ya had yer money on!
But 90 minutes of runnin up and down a field? Well, there's no comparison.
It's like comparin apples to avocados. Y'know, one's red and one's
green, ya know whut I mean.
Do ya remember, at one time, football games wound up in ties? I think
it was th American Football League, before th merger with th NFL,
that did away with that bit of stupidity. I could be wrong on that,
but in any case, some one got th bold idea to have overtime
in th event of a tie score after four quarters. Brilliant, eh!!
Somebody in th hierarchy of th soccer world needs to suggest, that
maybe they oughta do th same.
P.S. I can understand th appeal of soccer to parents of kids tho.
they get to do a lot of runnin and kick a all around and there isn't
that much contact, like football. In other words, a great game fer
Fwd: First bird flu death reported in Anahiem, CA.
Date: Tuesday, November 1, 2005 4:59 PM
My buddy Mike G. sent this to me. I hadn't heard anything on th news
about this. this is pretty shocking!
Th cap't shops 'Healthy'.
Date: Tuesday, November 1, 2005 4:14 PM
Inspired by th article I sent out earlier in regards to healthy foods,
I went to th grocery store a while ago. I decided to utilise some
of my new found information vis a vis on eating 'healthy. So, I bought
two bananas, a mango, a kiwi, an apple, a bag of carrots, some V-8
juice, various assorted bottles of spices and a box of fudge.
Man, I'm gonn be one healthy sumbitch tomorrow!!
Altho not bein familiar with these kinda exotic foods I don't have
a clue as to how to prepare them? I mean, whut th fuck does one do
with a mango? Or a kiwi?
P.S. Sheeit I jus received in th nick of time a warning from my friend,
th crupster, about th pesticides that are likely lurking on my new
purchases. This brings me down. I wuz so lookin forward to bein a,
like, brand new healthy being tomorrow, and now this! It seems no
matter whut we do, our plans always go awry, don't it? Whutda I gotta
do now? Run em thru some kinda de-contamination device before I can
scarf em? Hell, if I'd knowed bout all these complications, I woulda
jus bought some Oreo's and been done with it.
Once again into the Breach.
Date: Tuesday, November 1, 2005 3:50 AM
It is early in th morning. I am preparin myself ta have a little
early morning repast. Th idea is flitting through my brain right now.
Sorta' getting myself psyched up, so to speak. DO NOT BE ALARMED however!!
In spite of maybe a dozen times or so, over th years, when I may
have set th kitchen on fire or maybe th stove exploded...... and man,
Fuck..... when ur stove blows up.... KABLOOM! and knocks ya across
th room, or some such, ya go,
"Wow, whut th fuck wuz that all about?"
ya know whut I mean? And so, ya learn from ur mistakes, and after
a while, after a few times, ya no longer fling huge pans of water
on yer grease fires, and shit like that.
But sheeit, when ya stop and think about it, when ya consider all
of th successful culinary operations I have conducted over th years
without incident, all th meals I have cooked without burnin up th
kitchen, ya can plainly see, this is NO BIG DEAL!! Odds are with me,
and besides, I have learned from my past mistakes and now always keep
four or five lbs. of flour on hand ta deal with th occasional unexpected
conflagration. I'm confident I can DO THIS! Gut appetite!
Better Living through WORDS OF WISDOM from th cap't.
Date: Tuesday, November 1, 2005 3:32 AM
Some words of advice for you as ya travel down th Road of Life. REMEMBER
boyz and gurlz, before ya criticise someone; WALK A MILE IN THEIR
THEN, when ya do criticise em, let em' fuckin' have it!! Don't hold
back one bit! Pull out all the stops!! Give em all th shit ya want,
cus, like, look here, Whut th Hell they gonna do about it now? Sheeit
ese, you're a fuckin mile away from em!! AND, plus..... you got their
shoes, to boot!! Ha ha
So, what the hell can they do about it?
Nada, amigos. Nada fuckin thing! Ur home free!
Date: Monday, October 31, 2005 1:47 AM
I took a little nap a while ago as old geezers are wont to do and
I dreamed that dogs could talk! I jus remembered this dream a few
minutes ago, and have been tryin ta recollect more about it. I remember
thinking while I wuz dreamin that it wuz strange that only humans
and dogs could speak, but not other critters.
While sittin here mullin it all over, I wuz distracted by a series
of barkings, howlings and mewlings from th fuckin dogs next door.
Those somsabitches!! I have told ya before about their constant, almost
unceasing racket, startin around 8:00 AM and continuin til 10:00 or
11:00 PM. Fortunately, I leave every evening around 8:30 so I miss
a lot of their evening action.
Unfortunately, my absolutely insane neighbor, who lives in th basement
apt. picks up the slack and starts his howling around 3:30 AM. He
usually goes til 4:30 or so. He likes ta yell and curse at the TV
commentators, specially if they happen ta be black. He is not exactly
ambiguous about his feelings on th subject. On a couple of occasions
when it greatly annoyed me I took a butcher knife and banged on his
door and politely told him if he didn't shut th fuck up I wuz gonna
cut his throat from ear ta ear. That quites him down fer a while.
And so, because of th dogs, th construction going on across the street,
and the Demons inhabiting my neighbor's head, I am not able to get
in much in th way of "Meditation Time' here. Curses. Ten Thousand
Curses!! Too many Bad Vibes, as they used ta say.
Whut will my Zen Master say when he finds out how negligent I've
been in my quest fer Peace and Harmony? Whut can I say? (of course
I can't tell im bout my interactions with my neighbor. He wouldn't
understand. Ha ha)
"Well gee, Sensei, whut with th noise and the clatter and the
Insanity and th Confusion it is most difficult fer me ta achieve a
state of Harmony and Serenity!"
and he will no doubt reply with some obscure, enigmatic, quote from
the Master hisself, which I will have ta dwell on and ponder fer many
days, tryin ta extract it's cryptic meaning.
Well anyway, back to th Dog Dream! in thinkin on it I thought that
perhaps th catalyst for th dream might be that I am always wonderin
jus what th fuck it is, that these dogs are barkin about alla time?
"Hey yo, look! It's a /59 Chevy convertible! can ya' dig that!"
"Hey you! Assholes! Hows bout a little somthin' to eat out here,
"Yo Dawg! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!! Ya little white fluffy
haired Punk! Get yer Ass outta my hood before I climb this fence and
rip that little rhinestone collar right off yer scrawny neck!!"
or mebbe it's like,
"Man, turn that godam siren off, will'ya!I It feels like someone
is drivin a white hot spike right thru my brain. Jeeezuz. Of all th
places to live in town, these insensitive pricks gotta move one block
away from a fire station!! Whut the hell were they thinkin??"
I dunno. all I can say is that with all th barkings, howlings, clankings,
rumblings, th jackhammers, th bulldozers, th early mornin' screamings
and so on and so forth, it's no wonder that I must retreat ta th quiet
of a friendly saloon each evening in order to enjoy a bit of peace
and quiet, don'cha think! Thas' not askin' too much, is it?!
P.S. On th other hand, that "friendly saloon" is not always
quite so "friendly", y'know, what with all th obnoxious
drunks and all. Punk 21 year old kids tryin ta tell ya th "rules"
'Yeah, right, like I've been playin fer 52 years and yer gonna tell
ME th rules?"
ya got peoples jostlin ya without so much as a scuse me,
peoples stickin their damn cell phone cameras in yer face, peoples
expectin ya ta jus be happy as hell cuz they're 22 tonight. Like,
big fuckin deal.
Th Cap't Has An Epiphany (of sorts)
Date: Monday, October 31, 2005 12:40 AM
A couple of days ago I had lunch With an old friend. I had some chicken
spedini. When it arrived, along with th chicken, there wuz some mushrooms
and pasta atop a bed of spinach. I said, "No! No! No! I don't
like spinach!" in a loud aggressive voice. And my friend said,
"Oh, go ahead and eat it Charley. It's good for you!
Whereupon, I threw myself on to my back and started kickin my legs
in th air, all th time screamin and wailin, "But I don't like
spinach! I don't like it! I'm not gonna eat it! I HATE spinach!"
"Alright charley, ya don't have to eat your damned spinach.
So, havin won my moral victory, I got up and sat back in my chair,
arrangin myself in a dignified manner, and looked around defiantly
at some of those characters rudely starin at me and said,
"I DON'T LIKE SPINACH!"
y'know. by way of explanation of my behavior, I told my friend how
th last time I wuz in th hospital back in 47' havin my tonsils removed,
this nurse, she wuz jus like Nurse Ratchitt, remember her; th Big
Nurse, in One Flew Over th Cookoo's Nest. Well, this bad
nurs' MADE me eat my green beans. I told her I didn't like green
beans, but she made me eat em anyway..... so I started cryin and forced
them down......and then almost immediately, up-chucked em all right
back onto my plate, and I told her,
"I TOLD YA I DON'T LIKE GREEN BEANS!!!"
and so, my friend assured me that no one wuz goin ta force me to
eat my spinach and th rest of th meal went off without further incident.
When we were finished, since I didn't eat all of my meal, I had th
remainder put in a to-go box fer a later snack. I even left th waitress
an extra quarter fer any discomfort I may have caused. I know, I shouldn't
have, but thas jus th way I am.
I dropped my friend off at her office and I'm not sure why, but she
wuz reluctant ta commit to a specific time we might get together again.
No big deal. Y'know, gurls always seem ta have problems with commitment
issues anyway. Thas jus th way they are.
Well, that evening, when I got home from my carousings, it wuz about
3:30 of th AM, and often, as I am wont to do at that time, (this is
when I do some of my most serious culinary work!) a little snack seemed
in order. I decided ta do th remainder of my chicken spedini. So I
wuz gettin ready ta scrape th noxious spinach off th plate before
puttin it in th radar range, and jus fer th hell of it, and also bein
drunk and my reasoning ability somewhat impaired, I opted ta taste
th spinach before discarding it, jus ta confirm my life long bad loathin
of it and......... SHEEIT!!
Mnnnnnnnnnn........ ......mnnnnn...mnnnnn...mnnnn...... WOW.......IT WUZ DELICIOUS!!
I'm tellin ya! I couldn't believe it. And I had quit eatin this stuff
57 years ago! How different my life might have been? I wonder! I mean,
I've never even had a spinach and cheese quiche before!!! Whut is
goin on here? It's mystifying, cuz I jus got turned on ta asparagus
about seven years ago....and now....and now, This! Spinach!
Whut's next boyz and gurlz? Culinary adventurer I'm turnin into,
I'll prolly be soon eatin calamari, escargot, and sushi, otherwise
known as squid, snails and raw fish!! Hey ese, does that make your
mouth water in anticipation, or whut??
P.S. But, ya know whut, I'm still not sure jus how much my new found
appreciation of "The Spinach" wuz influenced by "The
Budweiser" ya'know whut I mean!
Th 'Great and Glorious Day' Foretold Has Arrived
Date: Sunday, October 30, 2005 11:44 PM
My friend Harlene sent this quote to me. It seems so apropos these
"As Democracy is perfected, the office of President represents,
more and more closely, the inner Soul of the People. On some great
and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's
desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright
Moron." H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
It would appear that Mr Mencken was rather prescient, eh? We now
have a confederacy of dunces runnin th whole shebang. Where else but
in a Geo. Bush Administration would ya have a high ranking official
named, "Scooter" fr'chrissake!! Ha ha. And "Brownie"!
These fuckin guys mind-set is still back at th frat house. Th only
difference is that instead of plannin keggers, now they're runnin
th whole fuckin country!
It's depressin!! Knowwhutahmsayin!
Confessions of a Degenerate Thrill Junkie
Date: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:57 PM
Recently, drunken sot that I wuz, I indulged myself in some risky
business. I shoulda known better, but Thrill Junkie I am, I'm
always lookin fer that "rush", ya know whut I mean, and
specially, like, when the demon rum clouds my better judgement, combined
with the demon weed; well ya got a potential disaster waitin ta happen.
Know whut ahm sayin.
Well, some of us are still teenagers at heart. In other words, we
still do stupid and dangerous, immature things. Ya know whut I'm talking
Well, I the capt. was engaged in a similar caper on my way home a
couple of nites ago I call Sidewalk Hopping. It's th same
kinda thing but with a small variation. Whut ya do here, as I'm sure
ya can guess, is ya run up a hill as fast as ya can, and when ya get
to th crest, ya leap as far as ya can, soarin sometimes 4 or 5 feet
through the air. And as yer flyin through th air, it is appropriate,
even de riguer, to yell out a hearty "YAHOOOO" or something
Of course, once again, th landing is whut it's all about here, and
I wanna' tell ya, it can get pretty darned tricky. One can easily
scrape one's knees rather badly, causin major boo-boo's if ya miscalculate.
Oh sure, you could wear some kneepads and eliminate this threat, but
then, whut the hell would be the point? This, after all is th source
of th Exhilaration; ...th Risk... the Gamble....th Uncertainty. THIS..
is whut it's all about boyz and gurlz!! Gettin that adrenaline pumpin!!
SO....this evening, if ya find yerself in a particularly bold and
daring mood....if ya feel like pushin th envelope....balls ta th walls....full-tilt-boogie,
P.S. And don't forget the hearty, "YAHOOOOOO" as ya leave
th ground. Fer some reason, it enhances th experience.
(Here we have a subtle attempt on my part to move you away from, and distract you from my earlier faux pas in my math calculations. Sheeit, anybody can make a little mistake. I have been studying th Bush Administration and applying proven methods here. Pretty clever huh? These two authors aren't th only creative peoples around, eh!)
Another Chili Coup in th Kitchen
Date: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:16 PM
I have been ill with th flu th past few days. This is why I've been
writin when I shoulda been drinkin. I hate that when it happens. So....
how in th fuck do I get th flu before th flu season even arrives?
I dunno. I think I musta got it from th pages of th Beiijin Picayune
I've been readin. Or, maybe, like so many other things, I'm jus Lucky,
But in any case, I jus got done samplin' some chili I prepared last
nite. This is very cool, cuz once again, fer th second time in a row,
it was excellent! Thas twice in two weeks I haven't been injured or
had to call th fire dept. or transformed my chili into a black block
of lava. So, thas definitely a sign of Progess, don'cha think!
Hmmmm, I wonder? Is this just a fluke? This success twice in a row?
Or whether tihs indicates that perhaps.....jus maybe.... after thirty-five
years of Futility........ I am finally startin to get th hang......of
that chili thang? hmmmmm. I wonder?
P.S. Say, how bout you boyz and gurlz; do you like ta eat hot spicy chili when yer sick too. Cuz if ya do; Man you are sick too!
The cap't goes out on a limb. (and chops it off behind himself!!)
Date: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 2:50 AM
OK, I've said this before; but I'm gonna say it again. I am goin
to make a bold, audacious prediction here. You will scoff! You will
jeer! You will make disparaging and unflatterin remarks about me.
You'll say things like,
"Are you out of ye fuckin mind?"
"What manner of psychedelic have you done now?"
"We knew the cap't was on his way; but this time...he has definitely
left the dock!!"
So, lemme give ya a little background here first, so as to soften
th impact of my prediction. When I wuz a young dude, granted, quite
a long time ago, back in the late 50s and early 60s, guys
wore their hair short and gurls wore their hair long. It wuz easy
to tell a guy from a gurl from behind; th guy had a crew cut...th
gurl had long hair. Th only exception to this wuz th Hell's Angels
and not many peoples ever confused an 'Angel' for a gurl.
Guys got haircuts. they didn't get their hair 'styled'. They got
a haircut!! They definitely didn't get their hair permed!!
Guys did not wear bracelets; gurls wore bracelets. Oh, ya might wear
a silver "ID" bracelet, but that wuz about it.
Same thing with rings. A guy might wear a high school ring, but not
many guys wore rings strictly as an 'accessory'.
Necklaces were fer gurls. Guys did not wear necklaces!! Period. Except
fer maybe a St. Christopher medal, which wuz strictly a practical
matter, like, to keep ya from gettin' squashed when ya were attemptin
to beat th train at th crossing. But still, worn under th shirt. Th
only other exception being some members of th Hell's Angels who could
wear whutever th hell they wanted
Guys did not wear or carry purses, or bags strapped over their shoulders.
Only gurls carried their books to school in bags. Guys carried their
books under their arms. (those guys who bothered to carry books anyway
Only gurls wore earrings! No guy ever went to school or out drinkin
and raisin hell with his buddies wearin an earring! With the exception
of the Hell's Angels and unless you were wishin to be th object of
a righteous gang-stompin, ya didn't pay any noticeable attention to
One dude I knew in 62' had a ring in his nose, a ring in his ear,
with a chain connectin them both. Whew! Quite a statement in 1962!
Ya didn't want ta fuck with a dude wearin a chain between his nose
and his ear. Uh huh. No! That said at th time,
"I AM ONE BAD MUTHERFUCKER!!"
But, today, maybe not such a big deal.
Gurls back in those days did not wear Levis. Guys wore Levis.
Gurls did not play soccer! Whoever in this country had even heard
of soccer? Nor rugby. Gurls did not become boxers! Or cops! Or firemen!
(see, they called em 'fireMEN fer a good reason. ditto policeMEN,
etc) Or iron workers. They didn't fly B-52s or F-16s! They were taught
how to sew and darn socks and domestic stuff like that. (Oh, th old
days. sigh. Ha ha) If a gurl wanted a career, she could become a secretary.
Gurls didn't wear boots of any kind. Well, not the kind of boots
ya see gurls today wear as ordinary footwear.
Gurls didn't have tattoos. Sheeit, hardly any guys had tattoos. Maybe
guys who had been in th service, or in th joint, or wuz a member of
the Hell's Angels. Sheeit, when ya stop and think about it, th Angels
were way ahead of their time, sartorially speaking, weren't' they?
OK, having said all this, I jus wanted to lay down a bit of precedence
for my prediction, and here it is,
This trend, has been goin on a long time now. (see above) with all
of th blurring of traditional and cultural distinctions between guyz
and gurlz, This is simply th next step. So, I want ya to be prepared...so
that one day, when yer son comes to th breakfast table, before school
wearin lipstick and make up, and yer first reaction would be to say,
"Whut in the hell do you think you're doing, young man?? you're
not leaving this house like that."
"Oh com'on mom/dad, all of the Cool Dudes at school look like
and naturally yer riposte would be,
"I suppose if all the Cool Dudes at school wanted to jump off
a cliff, you would too, huh?"
You can fight it if ya want, but eventually, yer jus gonna have to
accept it. Maybe it will be easier if ya remember,
"Curses!! Th cap't said this wuz gonna happen, but I didn't
believe him at th time. And now... here it is!"
Ya know whut tho? As I sit here writing this, while wearin three
rings, a bracelet, a necklace, long permed hair and an ear ring, personally,
this next time around....... I'm gonna take a pass!! And all th young
dudes, they be lookin and sayin,
"Lookit that old geezer! haha. He old school! Got no make-up on at all. Ain't even wearin no lipstick.
Sheeit, whut's with these old codgers?"
P.S. Hey ya'll, please don't shoot me, I'm only th messenger!!
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