joe dreck
October 28, 2005

Joe Dreck is The Captain...makeup or no makeup.
Email Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: Confessions of a Degenerate Thrill Junkie
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:57 PM

Recently, drunken sot that I wuz, I indulged myself in some “risky business.” I shoulda known better, but Thrill Junkie I am, I'm always lookin fer that "rush", ya know whut I mean, and specially, like, when the demon rum clouds my better judgement, combined with the demon weed; well ya got a potential disaster waitin ta happen. Know whut ahm sayin.

I'm sure you've heard of a mainly teenage activity called 'hill hopping', whereby ya accelerate yer ride to high speed as ya crest a hill, sending you airborne. Th thrill of course comes from the uncertainty of whether ya cn maintain control when ya land and not kill yerself and yer fellow thrill seekers.

Well, some of us are still teenagers at heart. In other words, we still do stupid and dangerous, immature things. Ya know whut I'm talking about!!

Well, I the capt. was engaged in a similar caper on my way home a couple of nites ago I call “Sidewalk Hopping.” It's th same kinda thing but with a small variation. Whut ya do here, as I'm sure ya can guess, is ya run up a hill as fast as ya can, and when ya get to th crest, ya leap as far as ya can, soarin sometimes 4 or 5 feet through the air. And as yer flyin through th air, it is appropriate, even de riguer, to yell out a hearty "YAHOOOO" or something similar.

Of course, once again, th landing is whut it's all about here, and I wanna' tell ya, it can get pretty darned tricky. One can easily scrape one's knees rather badly, causin major boo-boo's if ya miscalculate. Oh sure, you could wear some kneepads and eliminate this threat, but then, whut the hell would be the point? This, after all is th source of th Exhilaration; ...th Risk... the Gamble....th Uncertainty. THIS.. is whut it's all about boyz and gurlz!! Gettin that adrenaline pumpin!!

SO....this evening, if ya find yerself in a particularly bold and daring mood....if ya feel like pushin th envelope....balls ta th walls....full-tilt-boogie,

TRY THIS!!
the capt

P.S. And don't forget the hearty, "YAHOOOOOO" as ya leave th ground. Fer some reason, it enhances th experience.

(Here we have a subtle attempt on my part to move you away from, and distract you from my earlier faux pas in my math calculations. Sheeit, anybody can make a little mistake. I have been studying th Bush Administration and applying proven methods here. Pretty clever huh? These two authors aren't th only creative peoples around, eh!)


Subject: Another Chili Coup in th Kitchen
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 5:16 PM

I have been ill with th flu th past few days. This is why I've been writin when I shoulda been drinkin. I hate that when it happens. So.... how in th fuck do I get th flu before th flu season even arrives? I dunno. I think I musta got it from th pages of th Beiijin Picayune I've been readin. Or, maybe, like so many other things, I'm jus Lucky, perhaps?

But in any case, I jus got done samplin' some chili I prepared last nite. This is very cool, cuz once again, fer th second time in a row, it was excellent! Thas twice in two weeks I haven't been injured or had to call th fire dept. or transformed my chili into a black block of lava. So, thas definitely a sign of Progess, don'cha think!

Hmmmm, I wonder? Is this just a fluke? This success twice in a row? Or whether tihs indicates that perhaps.....jus maybe.... after thirty-five years of Futility........ I am finally startin to get th hang......of that chili thang? hmmmmm. I wonder?

the capt

P.S. Say, how bout you boyz and gurlz; do you like ta eat hot spicy chili when yer sick too. Cuz if ya do; Man you are sick too!


Subject: The cap't goes out on a limb. (and chops it off behind himself!!)
Date:
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 2:50 AM

OK, I've said this before; but I'm gonna say it again. I am goin to make a bold, audacious prediction here. You will scoff! You will jeer! You will make disparaging and unflatterin remarks about me. You'll say things like,

"Are you out of ye fuckin mind?"

or maybe,

"What manner of psychedelic have you done now?"

or maybe,

"We knew the cap't was on his way; but this time...he has definitely left the dock!!"
But, ya see, thas what captains do!....... They leave th dock....... and travel thru unchartered waters and bring news of their newfound discoveries back to those who elected to stay home and watch Jerry Springer. So, I'm used to th barbs. I've learned to deal with th critical ridicule sent my way over the years. Tha's just the way it is. Hey ese, No big deal!

So, lemme give ya a little background here first, so as to soften th impact of my prediction. When I wuz a young dude, granted, quite a long time ago, back in the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, guys wore their hair short and gurls wore their hair long. It wuz easy to tell a guy from a gurl from behind; th guy had a crew cut...th gurl had long hair. Th only exception to this wuz th Hell's Angels and not many peoples ever confused an 'Angel' for a gurl.

Guys got haircuts. they didn't get their hair 'styled'. They got a haircut!! They definitely didn't get their hair permed!!

Guys did not wear bracelets; gurls wore bracelets. Oh, ya might wear a silver "ID" bracelet, but that wuz about it.

Same thing with rings. A guy might wear a high school ring, but not many guys wore rings strictly as an 'accessory'.

Necklaces were fer gurls. Guys did not wear necklaces!! Period. Except fer maybe a St. Christopher medal, which wuz strictly a practical matter, like, to keep ya from gettin' squashed when ya were attemptin to beat th train at th crossing. But still, worn under th shirt. Th only other exception being some members of th Hell's Angels who could wear whutever th hell they wanted

Guys did not wear or carry purses, or bags strapped over their shoulders. Only gurls carried their books to school in bags. Guys carried their books under their arms. (those guys who bothered to carry books anyway Ha ha)

Only gurls wore earrings! No guy ever went to school or out drinkin and raisin hell with his buddies wearin an earring! With the exception of the Hell's Angels and unless you were wishin to be th object of a righteous gang-stompin, ya didn't pay any noticeable attention to it.

One dude I knew in 62' had a ring in his nose, a ring in his ear, with a chain connectin them both. Whew! Quite a statement in 1962! Ya didn't want ta fuck with a dude wearin a chain between his nose and his ear. Uh huh. No! That said at th time,

"I AM ONE BAD MUTHERFUCKER!!"

But, today, maybe not such a big deal.

Gurls back in those days did not wear Levis. Guys wore Levis.

Gurls did not play soccer! Whoever in this country had even heard of soccer? Nor rugby. Gurls did not become boxers! Or cops! Or firemen! (see, they called em 'fireMEN fer a good reason. ditto policeMEN, etc) Or iron workers. They didn't fly B-52s or F-16s! They were taught how to sew and darn socks and domestic stuff like that. (Oh, th old days. sigh. Ha ha) If a gurl wanted a career, she could become a secretary.

Gurls didn't wear boots of any kind. Well, not the kind of boots ya see gurls today wear as ordinary footwear.

Gurls didn't have tattoos. Sheeit, hardly any guys had tattoos. Maybe guys who had been in th service, or in th joint, or wuz a member of the Hell's Angels. Sheeit, when ya stop and think about it, th Angels were way ahead of their time, sartorially speaking, weren't' they?

OK, having said all this, I jus wanted to lay down a bit of precedence for my prediction, and here it is,
WITHIN TEN YEARS, MEN WILL BE WEARING LIPSTICK AND MAKEUP!!! as casually as gurls do now. IT'S GONNA' HAPPEN!!

This trend, has been goin on a long time now. (see above) with all of th blurring of traditional and cultural distinctions between guyz and gurlz, This is simply th next step. So, I want ya to be prepared...so that one day, when yer son comes to th breakfast table, before school wearin lipstick and make up, and yer first reaction would be to say,

"Whut in the hell do you think you're doing, young man?? you're not leaving this house like that."
and yer son says,

"Oh com'on mom/dad, all of the Cool Dudes at school look like this."

and naturally yer riposte would be,

"I suppose if all the Cool Dudes at school wanted to jump off a cliff, you would too, huh?"

You can fight it if ya want, but eventually, yer jus gonna have to accept it. Maybe it will be easier if ya remember,

"Curses!! Th cap't said this wuz gonna happen, but I didn't believe him at th time. And now... here it is!"

Ya know whut tho? As I sit here writing this, while wearin three rings, a bracelet, a necklace, long permed hair and an ear ring, personally, this next time around....... I'm gonna take a pass!! And all th young dudes, they be lookin and sayin,

"Lookit that old geezer! haha. He old school! Got no make-up on at all. Ain't even wearin no lipstick.

Sheeit, whut's with these old codgers?"

the cap't

P.S. Hey ya'll, please don't shoot me, I'm only th messenger!!


Subject: Another Interesting Book
Date:
Monday, October 24, 2005 1:51 PM

I jus finished readin a book called Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. I had to wait almost three months on th waiting list at th library to get it bud it was worth th wait.

These guys look at various disparate issues and apply economic theories and principles to come up with some startling and interesting conclusions.

Like, which is more dangerous, a gun or a swimming pool?

What do school teachers and sumo wrestlers have in common?

Why do drug dealers still live with their moms?

How much do parents really matter?

What kind of impact did Roe v. Wade have on violent crime? (this is a good one!)

If ya like this sorta thing; check it out.

th cap't

(Here we have a subtle attempt on my part to move you away from, and distract you from my earlier faux pas in my math calculations. Sheeit, anybody can make a little mistake. I have been studying th Bush Administration and applying proven methods here. Pretty clever huh? These two authors aren't th only creative peoples around, eh!)


Subject: Another way of lookin at it
Date:
Monday, October 24, 2005 12:41 PM

My friend Tommy D suggests that th phrase, "This too shall pass" was more in th way of some bathroom humor as opposed to some ancient bit of Wisdom. Take yer choice! Whadda I know?

th cap't


Subject: Oooops, th cap't talks outta his ass!
Date:
Monday, October 24, 2005 12:17 PM

OK. it has been brought to my attention by my friend Jan that your typical ki weighs but 2.2 lbs rather than th 2.4 figure i used n my cypherin, thus 400,000 lbs of coke would translate to 181,818 ki's instead of th 166,666 i mentioned. Mea culpa, mea culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa!

Man, it's a good thing i wasn't in charge of breakin down 400,000 lbs of coke into lbs for sale, cuz El Jefe would be payin me a visit wantin to know jus whut th hell happened to the other 15,152 ki's and my excuse of it bein almost 6 in th mornin with my brain bein a bit addled prolly wouldn't have got my ass off th hook, eh! I'd be takin th dirt nap about now.

Fortunately I'm only guilty of bein in error on a trivial mix-up of facts and my only punishment is a round of ridicule and derision at my buffoonery. I have experience in handlin this. I am comforted in recallin that always so pertinent bit of ancient wisdom, those great, four words to live by,

"THIS TOO, SHALL PASS!"

th cap't


Subject: Th cap't 'shares'.
Date:
Monday, October 24, 2005 5:53 AM

Hey ya'll I wanta share with ya some of th vitally important things I've learned as a result of reading th book I told ya about recently called, The Know It All....One Man's Quest To Become The Smartest Man In The World...By A.J Jacobs.

This is all stuff which can enrich yer Life and make it more Meaningful and Relevant. And after all, thas whut we're all lookin fer isn't it? Meaning and Relevance!!

Did'ja know that,

Ian Fleming, of James Bond fame, also wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Technically, duck is th word for th female, whereas th male bird is properly called a drake. Thus perhaps Daffy Duck's “daffiness” may be actually be a result of “gender identity disorder.”

Etruscans sometimes wrote boustrophedon style; that is, th direction of writing alternates with each line..right to left..then left to right. Brilliant eh? Ya don't gotta waste a lotta time goin back ta th left side of th page after every line. Jus whut we need fer these fast times at Ridgemont High.

Th title of Federico Fellini's movie 8 1/2 had nothin whutsoever ta do with anything in th movie. It was simply th number of movies he'd made at that time. that is; seven full length; three shorts. ego.......betcha didn't know that did'ja? I mean, jus how fuckin relevant is that, huh?

Horatio Alger. known fer his rags to riches tales was thrown out of a Mass. church fer sexual misbehavior with local boyz.

Issac Asimov, th famous Sci Fi and Science writer of The Foundation series wrote "about 500" books in his life. He wrote so many, even his biographers are not sure. Now I ask ya; how in th fuck-all could any one write 500 books? It's hard ta write 500 words, fr'chrissake!! Unbelievable.

Th biggest bell ever made was in Moscow in 1733. It weighed 400 thousand pounds, but wuz never rung since it wuz destroyed in a fire. Thas th equivalent of 166,666 kilos of cocaine. This is a good example of why ya should never play with matches boyz and gurlz.

There were 48 Charles's who were Kings. They came from Germany, Spain, Italy, Portugal, Sweden, Holland, Hungary and Austria.

Lightening goes up. It shoots up from th ground up into th clouds. Technically, yes. it does go down first. That bolt is called th "leader", BUT, th bright part we see, th part that flashes, th "return stroke", goes from th ground back up.

René Descartes had a fetish for cross-eyed women. Mebbe ya remember that short story that everyone had ta read in HS called, "In the Valley of th Blind th Cross-eyed Lady is Queen"? Well that wuz about one of th gurls in René's stable. And then Van Morrison did a tribute ta another one in his hit song, "Cross-eyed Gurl". Ya know that one famous line in there where he says,

"When I look into yer eyes/I get confused/cuz like/I don't know where in th fuck/yer lookin?"

And then that other song, "Cross-eyed Lady" Well, there's been lotsa songs bout Descartes Bitches, but they all shared that one endearing quality.

The Deseret News.....is th name of Utah's largest newspaper. It's not a mis-spelling of “desert” tho, but no, Deseret is "the Land of the Honeybee" accordin ta th Book of Mormon.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E: When it comes ta divorce, ya gotta hand it ta th Pueblos. It's th easiest game in town. It goes like this; Pueblo women leave their husband's moccasins on th doorstep. Thas it...they're divorced now, see! No lawyers, no fault, no socks, jus shoes.

Coriander is th British word fer Cilantro.

Elves: They're not th cute little critters some would have ya believe. On th contrary, in traditional folklore, Elves sat on peoples chests while they slept ta give em bad dreams. So next time ya have a nightmare, don't blame it on that late nite snack, blame it on th Elves. They also stole people's chirrun and substituted deformed fairy chirrun in their place. Mr Nice Guy they weren't!!

Well, I hope this has made a difference in yer Life and that you are now better prepared ta meet Life's challenges. Hey, and ya don't necessarily need ta thank me. OK. I jus do whut I can, ya dig!

th cap't

P.S. If I wuz some dumb-ass athelete, this is where I would make a dumb-ass gesture and point up into th sky. C'mon will'ya! Pleeeeze!! Give us a fuckin break, huh!!


Subject: A Puzzling Dream
Date:
Saturday, October 22, 2005 6:48 PM

Last night I dreamed I wuz watchin a Chief's football game from waaay up high at Arrowhed and that Dean Martin purposely and completely without provocation pushed me over the edge. It wuz a long ways down I cn tell ya. I landed with a thump, as you can imagine. I had a helluva time and struggled mightily to climb my way back up. Sheeit, it woulda been so simpler ta have used th stairs, but ya know how dreams go.

When I finally made it back I confronted him. I got in his face and told im,

"Why in th fuck did you do that? We have only met a couple of times before and both those times were in dreams and I never did shit to you! So why did you do that to me??"

and he jus said,

"You figure it out!"

and he faded away before I could kick his ass.....and as he faded away I woke up; leaving me ponderin the meaning of it all fer th next hour. Why'd he do that?

Captain Hoohah

P.S. Fuck Dean Martin! Th next time that asshole shows up in one of my dreams, we're gonna get down!


Subject: A Small Coincidence
Date:
Saturday, October 22, 2005 6:24 PM

Earlier today I had lunch with an old friend of mine and in th course of our conversations I mentioned ta him that Wm. F. Buckley had written a novel about the Nuremburg trials held after the second World War (th last rilly Good War) and that one of th characters in th book kept referring ta th B-29s he had flown against th Germans in 43' and 44' and I told im that, not meanin ta be a nitpicker, cuz we all know, I'm not like that, but that that wuz Bullshit; no, no, that th planes he woulda been flyin at that time woulda been B-24s!! NOT B-29s!!

(This is typical of th kinds of things one takes away from a lunch with th cap't.....useless bits of information that have a shelf life of about two seconds)

Well, whadda ya expect? It's Wm. F. Buckley after all!!!! Whut does he know bout WW11 bombers? Squat, evidently!!

Well, anyway, here's th coincidence part. I came home a few minutes ago and had a package from my ex-wife awaitin me. Enclosed wuz a copy of Stephen E. Ambrose's book, The Wild Blue......the men and boys WHO FLEW THE B-24s over Germany in 1944-45.

See, whut I mean, I wuz jus earlier talkin bout those B-24s and then I get this book in th mail. Ya notice he is not talkin B-29s here, but, as I had pointed out, B-24s! "The Liberator". Kinda an unusual name fer a killin machine which dropped bombs on th heads of th potential "Liberatees" causin them Death, as opposed ta Liberation, but let's not quibble over a bit of semantics, eh. Like I said, I'm not a nitpicker.

This wuz kinda like when Ronnie Reagan named th multiple warhead MX missile, "The Peacekeeper". Ha ha. I thought that wuz a rather creative name fer a device designed ta flatten 10 different cities. Who ever said th Military doesn't have a sense of Humor?

Interestingly, I also received in th same package a Yellow Quacking Duck Liquid Soap Dispenser. It quacks (I also have a duck phone which quacks instead of ringing) and reminds one ta wash their hands. Like lotsa peoples everywhere I have always wanted ta own a Yellow Quacking Duck Soap Dispenser, but never believed it would actually happen! And now, it has! At last!

Whut a day! First, confirmation of my remarks vis a vis B-24s vs. B-29s...and now this!! Life can be sweet, eh!!

th cap't

P.S. By th way, there is a B-24 parked down at Municipal Airport right this minute. Also a B-17 if yer interested. Both were flown in here fer some reason or another. Tomorrow, fer eight bucks ya can take a tour of em, if ya like that sorta thing


Subject: A Strange Music Venue
Date:
Saturday, October 22, 2005 10:12 AM

Last nite at th joint they had three bands. Th first was a pretty straight forward rock n' roll band called th Doxies.

But th second and third; whew!! I don't know quite how ta describe em. Performance Art, maybe? One of th guys in th second group was carried on stage in a casket. A bit of an unusual entrance, eh?

And th last group called Bacon Shoe had one of their guys on stage fryin bacon on a hot plate and passin his porker efforts around th crowd. Ha ha

Again a bit unusual.

Mike's Tavern! My home away from home; It can be a trip!! Ha ha

th capt


Subject: Th Mystery deepens
Date:
Saturday, October 22, 2005 9:55 AM

Hey ya'll, ya know how I told ya bout th bank crediting my account five bucks cuz they were slow (have ya ever heard of such a thing haha) in cashing two checks?

Well, get this; th lady whose checks I cashed wuz also given a five dollar credit!!! And she wuzn't even there!! Whut in th hell is goin on here?

th cap't


Subject: A Shocker! Whew!!
Date:
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:24 PM

I went to th drive-in window at my bank a little while ago to cash two checks. There wasn't anybody there, so I waited a couple of minutes and then impatiently hit th “call” button. A couple of minutes later th teller shows up. I was a bit put out but didn't say anything. I gave him my checks and he did his bank teller thing. When he put my cash and license in th envelope and gave em back to me he said.

"I apologize for the wait sir."

I jus replied in a non-committal fashion and said,

"Thas awright."

and then he said, get this,

"I credited your account five dollars for the inconvenience."

I couldn't believe it. I said,

"YOU DID WHAT?"

Cuz I wuzn't sure I'd heard him correctly. And he repeated it. I wuz taken aback. I wuz shocked! (see title) I said,

"Well, I'll be damned! Hey yo dude, whut say I drive around th block and come back and we'll do another transaction and you take as much time as you want and you give me another fiver!"

He jus chuckled. Listen amigos, this is th first time in my entire life that a bank has ever given me five bucks for takin too long! And it sure as hell wuzn't th first time I've waited and wondered jus whut in th hell WAS takin so long?

Has this ever happened to you boyz and gurlz? It wuz definitely a FIRST for me, and more than likely an ONLY!!

th cap't

P.S. I'm still tryin a figure out th hidden meaning here. There's jus gotta be somthin more goin on here!


Subject: RE: my social faux pas
Date:
Monday, October 17, 2005 6:10 PM

I had several peoples write me about shakin th bottle, tellin me various stories about their experiences shakin bottles and so on.

Obviously I didn't make myself clear, cuz, like, I interpreted the "Shake Well before using" to mean ME, you see. Thus my subsequent gyrations.

th cap't


Subject: a mnemonic tool for th outdoorıs person
Date:
Monday, October 17, 2005 12:38 PM

I read in this book I told ya about recently, that if ya see a snake and aren't sure whether it's a highly poisonous coral snake or not, and are wonderin if ya can pick it up; remember this poem concernin it's color,

"red touching yellow, dangerous fellow"

I hope this may prevent ya from doin somethin foolish resulting in yer death, cuz it's always a bummer when our friends die from snakebite.

th cap't


Subject: Bullitt movie trivia
Date:
Sunday, October 16, 2005 10:59 PM

I saw in th paper today where Bullitt with Steve McQueen was on cable. You know th car chase scene there is a classic. Next time ya watch it tho, pay close attention and you'll see FIVE hubcaps come flyin off th bad guy's car. Usually, cars only have, like, four hubcaps. Know whut ahm sayin!

th cap't


Subject: Faux pas or no
Date:
Sunday, October 16, 2005 10:45 PM

I wuz at a party a couple of nights ago and I wuz standing at this buffet and had just skewered a small chunk of meat and wuz about ta administer some kind of exotic sauce on it, and th bottle said,

"Shake Well before using".

So, whut th hell. I did! And I wuz standin there shakin and I noticed some peoples were watchin me and snickerin and carryin on, and I heard this one friend of mine chortle and tell this gurl,

"Oh that's just the capt."

Th bottle didn't say exactly how long ur supposed ta shake, and I heard someone say,

"Yo capt. is that some kinda new dance yer doing there?"

and this elicited several hearty guffaws from th crowd. So I jus stood there grinnin and shakin, and shrugged my shoulders, but I had th disquietin feeling I had committed some kind of social gaffe. Jus how long are ya supposed ta shake? And do ya shake yer whole body? Or jus ur upper torso or whut? Are ya supposed ta do th hokey-pokey, th boog-a-loo or whut? And bein a non-dancin, ill co-ordinated oaf any way, I must say I felt rather foolish. This is another example of why I disdain social affairs such as this. I always feel like my next faux pas is just waitin ta happen. Sheeit.They oughta put some kinda disclaimer on that bottle, somethin ta th effect,

"If you can't do the Makarena, don't Even try this!"

But on th other hand, being th kind of guy who doesn't ever question Authority or anything like that, I wuz simply followin instructions, cuz thas th kinda guy I am! One would think though that they could be a bit more specific. "shake well". I mean, thas pretty vague, don'cha think?

And now, several days later, I'm still wonderin,

"WHY? whut's it all about Alfie?"

Cuz like, I eat lots of other stuff and I don't have ta shake ta do it. So... whut's th deal here anyway? I'll tell ya, next time when I'm in a public place and encounter a situation similar ta that, I'm just gonna take an el paso on th exotics and stick ta th basics and maybe have some mustard instead. Don't gotta be doin' no dumb-ass shakin' ta have ya some mustard!!! Know whut ahm sayin!

th capt.


Subject: Th Future
Date:
Sunday, October 16, 2005 6:05 PM

Cap't Hoohah, Seer, Visionary, Sports Guru predicts:

DENVER BRONCOS WIN SUPER BOWL

If ya don't believe me; jus watch th Super Bowl this year.

th cap't


Subject: Some peoples ask; where was God on Sept. 11, 2001?
Date:
Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:00 AM

THE DAY THE GODS WENT FISHING.

The time: Sept 10th, 2001.

The place: somewhere in the Universe. The characters: God, Allah,Yahweh

While flitting about th Cosmos one day, taking care of god related business, God happened to run into Allah and Yahweh. They were hangin around Ernie's Cosmic Lounge ("th best little joint in th Universe") takin advantage of Ernie's Cosmic Happy Hour (1/2 off for Gods and their
Minions)

They all exchanged god-like high-fives.

"Yo dudes! sup?" said God.

"Hey, brutha-god dude, how arst thee?" inquireth Yahweh.

"My main man!" spaketh Allah,

"Long time no see! How's it hanging?" sayist God.

"Yo, same ol shit, different day."

"I can diggeth it" replied Yahweh. "Hey, listen up! I wuz jus rappeth with Ali here. One of my earthly connections haveith hipped me to a rilly kewl spot fer some great trout fishing. No one else knoweth bout it. Whatta ya sayith? Th three of us take a day off, kick back and chillith out?"

"I dunno", saith the Lord, "The last time I took a break wuz, oh hell, let's see back in.…"

"Ya might wanta watch yer language there a bit dude", interrupted Allah, "After all, there are gods present. har, har, har" as he let out a big guffaw.

"Oy! Always with the jokes. Alla time a big comedian already", retorteth Yahweh.

"Like I wuz sayin" said God, "the last time I took a day off wuz like, some sixty-five years ago, ya know whut ahm sayin, Back in December ‘41, took a Sunday morning off to do a little duck hunting...and look whut happened! I dunno, ya know whut ahm sayin? Ya turn yer back on em fer jus a second and they're inta all kinds of mischief!"

"Oh c'mon", kicked in Allah, "No big deal, Hey, it's kewl! I got my posse under control. Whut's a few unsupervised hours? Whut could possibly happen? Whadda ya say? We could meet early in th morn, pick up some brewskis and some hot dogs and be back by noon. I think we could all do with some time off, eh"

"Yeah, mebbe yer right" said God, "God only knows I could use a little vacation, Ha ha, dig it, “god only knows,” I like that, ha ha, But th Truth is; I could use some downtime. I been gettin these migraines somthin fierce lately"

"And dig", said Allah, "even if we don't catch anything, we can get some grins just sittin around and listenin to ol Yahweh here “saith” and “proclaimeth” stuff and carry on in his inimitable fashion, eh? And besides I'm sure ya culd get yer kid ta make sure we bag a few fish, eh. Word on th street is he's good at stuff like that, right!"

"Oy vey! A couple of real clowns here. Youse guys oughtta getteth out of the Deity game, mebbe goith into vaudeville or somthin, or maybe I oughtta start hangin aroundeth with Budda, or Shiva or some of thee other guys! But I'm gonna take an El Paso on th hot dogs. youse guys knoweth I got a 'thing' bout Pigs."

"Fer a God, you are soooo picky bout ur food!!" complained Allah, "everything gotta be fixed jus so!!"

"Quitteth yer bellyachin" said Yahweh,

"Awright youse guys. Knock it off. One other thing; no politics, No religion. Got that! Every time we get tagether it allus ends up th same way. So...anyway, it's settled then! We'll meet up here early in th morning, have a couple eye-openers and be off."

So they called their secretaries and cancelled their appoinments fer the following morning. And as much as I hate ta use trite cliches, specially from th likes of Paul Harvey, "The rest is history."

the cap't


Subject: Another freedom LOST! They're droppin like flies, all around us.
Date:
Friday, October 14, 2005 9:56 PM

It was recently bought ta my attention by a good friend of mine that “dwarf tossing” is now illegal!!! SHEEEIT! I can't believe that!! Whut next, huh? You tell ME!! Jus whut th hell are we supposed ta do ta entertain our selves now? First, it was th ban on 'head buttin', Now this! One by one, all of our Freedoms are bein taken away by th sneaky bastards! Now, th only thing left ta us is Jerry Springer, and th way things are goin, who knows how long that'll last?

Last night, this gurl I know, after listenin ta me rant on a bit said,

"Well gee Charley, CHILL. It's not like th end of th world. I'm sure youse guys will think of somethin else equally dumb and stupid ta replace it with and ya can take comfort in th meantime y've still got Springer, and don't forget th World Wrestling Federation. Personally I'll hardly miss it!!"

Well sure, well sure!!! Spoken like a true Gurl. She and others of her female species won't miss it, but hey, how much hell do ya' think they'd be raisin' if we suddenly took away their crochet needles?? Whut if we banned soap operas and bon-bons!!!? Whut if we made GASP "shopping" an illegal activity. Talk about an uproar!! Well, thas th way guys feel bout 'dwarf tossin'. It's jus somethin guys like ta do, ya know whut I mean? We're wired that way. We can't help it.

Jus like gurls like ta sit and knit, and sew and crochet, we like ta toss dwarfs and butt heads and other stimulating kind of activities. I mean, gurls like ta read 'Cosmopolitan' and 'share' their feelings. ????? Whas up with that?

Some peoples say th sport originated in Australia, and if ya've ever known any Aussies ya could very easily believe that, but that is wrong, wrong, wrong. Dwarf tossin' has been around a really long time. If ya ever see some of th early cave drawings in France and other places, besides th beautiful drawings of th bison, and antelope and aurochs and stuff, you'll also see th cave dudes engaged in mutual head bangin and throwin of th little peoples about th hearth.

Like I said, this sport has been around a long time now, see whut I mean! When peoples say it's barbaric, well, ta a certain point they are correct, cuz early peoples weren't all that civilised. They didn't know "politically correct" from a sabre-toothed tiger. Their main concern wuz brigin home th bacon, so ta speak.

On th other hand, they only hit each other over th heads with rocks and stuff like that. They weren't usin chemical, biological or nuclear weapons on each other. So, th question of whether dwarf tossin' is barbaric or not is like comparin apples and avocados. See whut I mean? Ones red, and th others green. I rest my case!

(I always love it when some one says some kind of non sequitur statement or some thing really stupid and then they say, "I rest my case!" or "Case closed"!)

th cap't.

P.S. Speakin of co-incidences, a few minutes ago I jus finished watchin, "Lord of the Rings" and there is a scene in there where th guys have ta jump across a wide chasm and this one guy is pickin up his fellows and physically throwin them ta th other side and he goes ta toss this one dude who jus happens ta be a dwarf and th dwarf barked at him, "NOBODY tosses a Dwarf!!" and commenced ta make th leap by his own DAMN Bad Self.

An early dwarf rights activist, no doubt!! I wonder if those guys who made that movie threw that line in as a little inside jab at th sport?


Subject: Mike the Headless Chicken's Amazing Story
Date:
Friday, October 14, 2005 9:09 PM

I wuz tellin my ex-wife yesterday bout “Mike the Headless Chicken.” Ya may recall me writin bout this several years ago. Ya remember that, don'cha? Sure, ya do!! She thought I wuz jivin her. She thought I made this story up. She thought I wuz pullin her leg. She thought I wuz jus babblin as I sometimes do.

So, in order ta re-establish my credentials fer Accuracy and Credibilty, I referred her ta this website. If yer not already familiar with th Saga of Mike th Headless Chicken, check it out. It's quite an interesting and incredible story. And if ya happen ta be passin thru Fruita, Colorado, stop, and check out th sculpture of Mike there in th town square and ask one of th natives about th annual “Mike the Headless Chicken Festival” held there every year (see annual above) in memory of Mike. A good time is had by all.

After goin ta th site she apologised and told me she would never doubt me again, (yeah, sure, til next time Ha ha) no matter how outlandish and outrageous my story might seem. I'm gonna test that statement when I tell her bout bein carjacked...by Aliens!! Ha ha

th capt


Subject: Chili; like, It's whas happenin!
Date:
Thursday, October 13, 2005 5:05 PM

Earlier today, around 4ish this morn, I decided ta prepare some of my sometimes delicious chili and I am glad to report that it wuz one of those times. When it wuz delicious I mean. It wuz a highly successful operation. I beamed with delight.

I wish there were some way I could give ya th recipe so that you might duplicate this culinary sensation I have produced here today, but alas, I don't keep any records concernin ingredients, quantities, temps, etc. My creations ya see, are fer the Here and Now...because thas where I live. Tomorrow is another day and...another bowl of chili, ya' dig?

One of th magical things about this particular cauldron though is that I have been eatin chili almost continuously since I woke at the crack of noon and yet th pot is still full. Ya see, I let it simmer on very low heat durin th night and today when I got up, I raised th temp slightly and every couple of hours when some of it had cooked off, I simply added some more water, beer, V-8 juice, ya' know, whutever wuz at hand.

I mean, the pot is Still full! It's fucking uncanny! I'm not smokin' ya, I coulda fed fucking multitudes of dudes with this pot. I'm thinkin at th present rate of consumption it will last me about 9 or 10 days.

Well, since it has been simmerin now for about 24 hours, I'm gonna put it in th refrigerator, so that all th flavors can properly meld. Can ya guess what th capt is havin fer lunch tomorrow boyz and gurlz?
Oh, and by th way, in case yer wonderin, everything went smoothly and accordin ta plan, with no collateral damage ta report. I rilly do hate it when 'innocents' are injured during one of my ops. Those gas explosions can be nasty sometimes, but this time, th EPA, FEMA, and th local Fire Dept. all lauded me fer a job "well done". I am most pleased, because sometimes these affairs can end in tragedy as we all know from past experiences. I always hate th visits ta th hospital where I gotta tell my friends,
"Er, gee, like, I'm rilly sorry bout all this. Uh, it wuz, like, an accident, y'know?"

And they can't rilly say anything back cuz of all th morphine and stuff.

Aw'right, so, let's put a big ol W in th capm's column. Check ya later,

th capt.

P.S. Ya'know, it's a shame that whenever I mention some delicious foods I may have prepared, I am met with barely stifled giggles and derisive snickers. And this; not even behind my back. I mean, right in my face, with no effort whutsoever ta be tactful bout it. Whyzzzat? I don't understand? When I offer some Free, absolutely FREE, samples, peoples respond, like,

"Um.....thanks cap't, but....uh....like.... my doctor advised me not ta eat any thing poisonous fer th next few weeks."

And then come th inevitable aforementioned snickers and guffaws. And I retort with,

"Hey I eat it alla time and I'm alright!" and they go,

"Yeah, well, have ya looked in th mirror lately?"

So, whas that supposed ta mean? Huh?


Subject: Two Swell Books fer yer perusal
Date:
Monday, October 10, 2005 1:46 AM

A good friend gave me two books,both of which are excellent. Jus exactly th kinda drivel I like ta read. I luv em!

Th first one, which I jus scanned thru is called, The Know It All

One Man's HUMBLE QUEST to Become the SMARTEST PERSON in the World by AJ.
Jacobs

I'm not familiar with th man, but I do admire his quest. A commendable endeavor, eh! On th back cover is this blurb from Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show,

The-Know-It-All is a hilarious book and quite an impressive achievement. I've always said why doesn'tsomeone put out a less complete version of the encyclopedia? Well done, A.J."

Publisher's Weekly says,
"Jacobs' ability to juxtapose his quirky, sardonic wit with oddball trivia makes this one of the season's most unusual books."

So, this sounds like a book after my own heart. Th other book he gave me
is called, The New York Times GUIDE TO ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE a desk reference for the CURIOUS MIND.

OK, once again th kinda thing that I like. And this book rilly is like a small encyclopedia. It's 1,100 pages of general information covering many topics, like, History, Literature, Geography, Art, Science and Technology and too many others to list. Jus th kind of thing to have handy in th bathroom as one goes about one's daily rituals there.

Jus yesterday, as a matter of fact, I wuz sittin there browsin thru it, and as I may have mentioned in th past, I don't like to be a nit-picker, no, not at all, BUT.....I couldn't help but notice on page 804, in a reference to th Vietnamese language it said,

"Native speakaers total about 80 million people."

Now, of course, in spite of our best efforts not to, we all make th occasional spelling error. Who amongst us is not guilty of such transgressions, eh? BUT.....here's th thing; WE are not THE NEW YORK TIMES!!! WE are not Professionals. We hold them to a higher standard than us bumbling buffoons who read them. Now, before I write off th New York Times for their slovenly proof readers, I suppose one must read th book in it's entirety before one starts hurling stones in their direction, cuz, maybe, this is th only error in th whole book? Maybe one misspelling among 600,000-700,000 words wouldn't be that bad. But still, I'll be sorely disappointed tho if I find another one.

th cap't

P.S. Several years ago I bought a Webster's 9th Edition Collegiate Dictionary at a garage sale. Hell, I dunno, maybe it wuz th 8th or th 5th or some damn thing, but whut a piece of shit that wuz. I'm not smokin ya, I found a couple of misspellings there!! Yeah!! In th damned dictionary!! Thas not right ese!! Damn!! Ya know whut I mean! Yer dictionary is not supposed to have errors like that. And then, once ya've found one, ya kinda lose confidence in th whole thing, ya dig!! Cuz, like, how can ya trust it after that? And on th second page in th Table of Contents where it had th Rules of Spelling; Ha ha. I don't have th time to detail their rules but they didn't make any sense at all. It wuz absurd whut they wrote there. It said it was proof read and edited by Carol Supliki and Gina Molino. If ya should ever come across either one of these critters, ya might tell 'em th cap't wants ta know, "Whut in th hell were you thinkin?" I wrote about this very thing back in ‘98. I'll have to find it and re-send it so you'll have a better appreciation of whut I'm talikin about. It's a hoot. Hey, check this; as I wuz reading thru it one afternoon, I discovered that th word "rude" wuz not included. Can you imagine a dictionary that doesn't have th word "rude" in it? Ha ha


Subject: And some peoples think I'm paranoid!!
Date:
Friday, October 7, 2005 3:14 AM

Did'ja happen ta see that thing in th paper today where this weather forecaster in Pocatello, Idaho resigned from his job ta pursue his obsession that th massiveness of hurricane Katrina wuz th result of a Russian made electro-magnetic generator employed by th Japanese Yakuza (th japanese mob) in retaliation fer th bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Sheeeit, talk about a conspiracy!! Ha ha.

I mean, check it out: Ya got a weather forecaster
Pocatello, Idaho
Russkies
an electro-magnetic generator
th Japanese mob
and th bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

And peoples think I'm some kinda couch-kook when I tell em my own electro-magnetic waves knocked out th radio reception in my car fer 24 hours.

th cap't

P.S. Not ta be a nit-picker or anything, cuz, like, ya know I don't play that, but I also read in today's paper this small headline, "130 BILLION YOUTHS ILLITERATE"

A hundred and thirty BILLION! haha. Can ya dig it? Whew! Now thas a lotta dumb fuckin kids, ain't it!!! Or else, they jus don't got nobody down there at th Kansas City Star knows th difference between a million and a billion.


Subject: Livin in th Land of th Free and th Home of th Brave.
Date:
Thursday, October 6, 2005 3:05 AM

Did'ja see in th paper where a guy here in town found out after many years of payin child support that, he wuz in fact, NOT th daddy. Nope! DNA evidence proved conclusively that he wuzn't.

In spite of a lower court ruling that he didn't have ta pay any more, a Court of Appeals overturned that decision and ruled that he would have ta continue payin until th child turns 18. I belive th child is now 13.

In defense of that absolutely fuckin ridiculous decision, a spokesperson fer th Atty. General, Jay Nixon, said that th financial welfare of th child was of paramount importance. I guess, more important than Justice or Fairness. or anything else.

Can ya believe that bullshit!!! They're sayin, that even tho this guy is not th father, that some body's gotta pay, and since this guy has already been payin, even tho he shouldn't have....well, sheeit, he can jus keep on paying. Is this utterly Insane, or whut?

And they say that, even tho th bitch who made these false allegations many years ago committed a fraud, she can't be prosecuted cuz th statute of limitations has run out. So she screwed this dude out of money fer 13 years based on her false accusations, and he is now ordered ta continue payin her child support for a kid thas not his. It boggles th mind. This is jus outrageous!

If those three judges on th Court of Appeals felt that it wuz so important that somebody, any body, didn't matter who, had ta pay her child support, I wonder why they didn't jus volunteer ta do it themselves? But of course if ya suggested that, they would assume that you were stark raving mad!

How absurd! Right. I mean, th kid's not theirs!

th cap't


Subject: "Chiefs hit by Roadside Bomb on th Road ta th Super Bowl."
Date:
Sunday, October 2, 2005 11:51 PM

Week One: My Chiefs looked pretty impressive with a decisive win over th New Yawk Jets. I had High Hopes and Visions of Sugar Plums dancin in my head. (musta been th shrooms)

Week Two: Uh oh, th chinks in th armor are exposed. Our Chiefs get lucky and barely pull out a win over th Raiders. Th seeds of doubt are sown. One settles back and scratches their head and ponders th Future.

Week Three: Th poseurs are un-masked. Yer Chiefs stink up th place Bad. Reeel Bad! Th odor lingers. It makes one gag! A dark, ominous cloud descends.

Week Four: Th Eagles rip apart any further Illusions one may have harbored. Yer Chiefs are goin absolutely Nowhere. Not this year; nor any other year in th near future. Th bottom line; they jus ain't good enuff!!! Simple as that! End of dicussion. Finito.

th cap't

P.S. Trivia Question: Who is Tony Gonzales? And whut does he do fer a livin?
Hint: th "Invisible Man" does not qualify as an answer.


Subject: Th cap't succumbs ta th Road Rage Malady
Date:
Saturday, October 1, 2005 4:21 PM

Yo, this past Tues afternoon, I took a little jaunt east down I-70 to Columbia, Mo. where I wuz meetin up with a former high school classmate of mine from Wiesbaden, Germany, 1959.

On th way down, I stopped at a rest stop briefly and as I pulled out on ta th highway I accelerated to about 60 when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw this car bearin down on me. Hard and Fast!! I thought he wuz gonna plow right inta me. I don't know how he didn't hit me! I looked in my mirror and this old fart wuz ridin my bumper and he couldn't have been more than an inch from me. I swear. He wuz angrily motioning me ta move over. I went ballistic as th phrase goes. I wuz yellin and screamin and flippin him th finger and th adrenalin wuz pumpin and th spittle wuz flyin. My heart musta been racin 180 beats a minute.

Normally, when some one tailgates me I slam on my brakes, but like, this asshole wuz waaay too close ta do that, so I jus gradually slowed down ta about forty and lookin at im in th mirror and motioning him to go on around on my right side, cuz I wuzn't about ta move over. Th asshole!

And as soon as he tried to, I cut im off! So then, he tried ta go around th other side and I swerved over there. His wife jus sat there starin straight ahead, her face an expressionless mask. Not so surprising I suppose, with th way her husband drives, these kinda encounters are prolly routine fer her.

And so we went down th interstate, weavin back and forth fer several miles. I can't tell ya how pissed I wuz! If I'd had a pistol I woulda capped th fucker cuz, y'know, in some situations, a bottle thru th windshield jus seems an inadequate response, ya know whut I mean! Ya wanta make a statement, y'know!!

Finally after some time I let im go on around and I kept motioning fer him ta pull over ta th side of th road. I figured a couple of old geezers duking it out on th side of th Interstate oughta provide a bit of entertainment fer th afternoon traveler, but he declined and went on around me.

I decided I wuz gonna give im a dose of his own medicine, cept he wuz drivin waay too fast fer me ta catch. And bein th safe driver I am, always maintainin th speed limit and so on, I decided not ta pursue im. Now I wuz faced with th problem of de-activatin my central nervous system which wuz operatin at Full-Tilt-Boogie output, and suddenly I became aware of this rilly loud noise. I guess it had been there fer some time, but as I wuz distracted, I hadn't notice it. My radio wuz now puttin out nothin but static. Both AM and FM. Loud blarin static. I can only figure that I put out so much negative energy with my anger; th bad vibes were so strong that it jus completely blocked th radio signals. I dunno; all I know is my radio wuz workin prior ta this encounter. It wuzn't until th followin day when I wuz headed back ta KC it started workin again.

th cap't

P.S. Th next time I decide ta do some travelin, I'm gonna down a six pack and gobble a handful of Xanax ta mellow out first, before I hit th road, cuz there's a lotta Crazies out there boyz and gurlz.


Subject: Reflections on th Debacle in Denver
Date:
Friday, September 30, 2005 7:34 PM

Yo Kansas City, this is about yer Chiefs last Monday nite. When I say “yer Chiefs,” I assume ya remember the rules; when they win, they're “My Chiefs,” when they lose, they're “Yer Chiefs” and man, are they 'yer' Chiefs now!

Hey, that first game, they dominated th Jets. Things were lookin good, eh! Then, they beat th Raiders, even tho th Redeemer (that would be Randy Moss) wuz with them. Not a pretty win tho, but still, they eked out a win. But it wuz disturbing. Not a real confidence builder. Ya couldn't be Real happy bout that performance!

Then comes Denver. I figured that game might tell us somethin; like, whether 'our Chiefs' ('our' cuz they were still undefeated at th time) were fer real or not. I figured th game would be close, but deep down, I had a suspicion they were gonna lose that game, but frankly, I wuzn't prepared fer th ensuing Carnage. It wuz frightening. It made Pickett's charge at Gettysburg look like a thing of beauty. After only ten minutes of play, th score already 17 ta zip, I retreated to my 'safe spot' underneath th kitchen sink, nibblin on th crackers I stashed there fer when Armageddon comes. I hadn't counted on it bein so early tho.

Yer Chiefs were simply pathetic in all aspects of th game. There wuz not a single bright spot any where! Coaching, Defense, Offense, Special teams, Penalties, they fell completely apart. A team that played that badly is not gonna go anywhere. I don't give a shit if it is early in th season, really good teams may have a bad day, but that wuz waay beyond a 'bad day'! Dick Vermeil said it,

"They're a better team than us when we play in Denver!"

Ta me, if they're a better team than us in Denver, I'd jus go ahead and admit they're a better team than us, Period. Cuz, ya know whut, really good teams play good no matter where they are. Thas whut separates 'em from th 'above average' teams.

I hope yer not countin on any miracles this year, cuz thas whut it would take fer 'em ta make it ta th Super Bowl. Ain't gonna happen, no way, no how. Th best we can hope fer is an entertaining year.
Perhaps I speak too early. Perhaps they can redeem their piss-poor performance of last week with a win over th Eagles on Sunday. But in th end, I'm tellin ya, they're gonna break yer heart. Not me tho, see, cuz I'm not gonna invest myself in them.

th cap't

P.S, Vermiel's system of rotating Johnson and Priest is totally fuckin absurd. Ferget about two series fer Priest, one fer Larry Johnson. Thas jus plain stupid. Who in their right mind does that? Play 'em both, fer sure, but not according ta some rigid predetermined order. Play 'em when th situation and th circumstances and th planets are aligned properly. See whut th cat entrails tell ya. Take heed of th way th crow flies. That'll do ya jus as well.This wuz a bit strange.


Subject: Is there no end ta th Madness?
Date:
Monday, September 26, 2005 1:20 AM

Check this out. Earlier today I wuz crusin around th oh-so-hip Plazuh District's Art Fair and I noticed this young cutie crossin th street, and she had two.....thas TWO phones in her ears. Well, y'know, one in each ear. Yeah, she wuz rappin with two of her chums at th same time and wuz completely oblivious ta everything around her, includin th traffic.

Dammit ta all heck!! All I could do wuz honk my horn and flip her th finger and wave my arms and hurl obscenities at her cuz, like, I didn't have an empty bottle of Mad/Dog ta hurl at her at th time. No doubt she wuz tellin her friends,

"Like, OmiGod, there's this crazy old Geezer drivin down th street and he's. like, jus flippin everybody off and wavin his arms around. And like OhmiGod!"

And ya know she wuz gettin stereophonic "Like, OhmiGods" in return.

And speakin of Cell Phone Abusers, ya know th peoples who RILLY piss me off with their cell phones? Th young punks who try and shoot pool while they got their phone wedged against their shoulder. I mean, c'mon! Gimme a break, huh

"Yo dude, ya wanta shoot some pool or ya wanta chat? Make up yer fuckin mind!"

Didn't their mama's ever teach 'em some basic pool etiquette?

th cap't


Subject: A Tale of Synchronicity
Date:
Monday, September 26, 2005 12:36 AM

This wuz a bit strange. This past Thursday, I got up and finished reading th last twenty pages of a book by Tom Robbin's called Villa Incognito.

So I got dressed and decided ta return it to th library. When I came back ta th crib twenty minutes later, th red light wuz on my webtv unit indicatin I had received an e-mail in th interim. I turned th unit on ta see whut wuz there and I had this message waitin fer me from a buddy.

Date: Thu, Sep 22, 2005, 11:31am Subject: Happy Equinoxxx

"JOY ! JOY !! JOY !!! to you Pagans and Heathens ... Its an encore from last year ... and still rings true and is worth revisiting
...
"All across the clearing, the dying grass and sun were practically the same shade of yellow. Last-minute shoppers crowded the pollen parlors, and every other flower head drooped from bee-weight. A breeze with only a calorie or two of warmth left in it slid down the mountainside as if on its way to one final dip in the lake. Already rubbed red by nights of foreplay, boughs, each leaf alert, awaited the transformative ejaculation of frost. The air was musky with the fate of fallen fruit and collapsing mushrooms, brisk with the historic hustle of harvest, and a flock of crows flapped through it, teasing everybody and everything with their impenetrable koans. In flight, a twitchy curve of ebony luster, they formed the false mustache of the world.”

“There's something about summer turning into autumn."

From Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins.

Ya dig whut happened here boyz and gurlz? Th above passage ya see, wuz not only from th forementioned Villa Incognito, but it wuz on th very last page, and bein on th last page, I had jus read it twenty minutes earlier! Ha ha. No shit. Th dude who sent it had no idea whutsoever that I wuz readin th book at th time!!!

Play some Twilight Zone music here.

th cap't

P.S. Well, in re-readin this, I guess maybe ya had ta have been there at th time.


Subject: Chief's vs th' Oakland Raiders
Date:
Wednesday, September 21, 2005 3:20 AM

Did 'ja happen ta' catch my Chiefs this past Sunday? By th' way, have ya' ever noticed that when they're winnin', they're MY Chiefs; but when they lose, they're YOUR Chiefs? Now, that may not seem fair ta' ya, but quit whinin'; thas' jus' Life!! OK. Get over it.

I missed th' very beginning of th' game, so I didn't know who wuz workin' th' broadcast booth, but after a few minutes I wuz wonderin' why they had th' President of th' Oakland Raiders Booster Club announcin' th' game? All I kept hearin' from this asshole, every time th' Raiders were on defense wuz,

"I like whut ahm seein' here. I like whut ahm seein'. I like whut ahm seein'. I like whut ahm seein'."

At one point there, he said this four times in a row! (see above) I kept thinkin',

"WHO in th' Hell is this jerk? And why does he think anyone gives a shit whut he thinks about th' Oakland defense? We jus' want ya' ta' tell us about th' game. We don' give two hoots whether ya' like whut yer seein, or not!"

I mean, I know all broadcasters prolly have a certain bias, but most of 'em make an effort not ta' show it; or at least not so blatantly. There wuz no doubt whatsoever where this jerks prejudices lie.
Eventually, I discovered I wuz listenin' ta' Sterling Sharpe and...........BOOM!!! (when discussin' football I sometimes employ Maddenisms) suddenly th' murky water became crystal clear. It made sense then, cus he and his asshole brother Shannon, were two of th' biggest, loudmouth Asshole jerks in th' league, and neither one of 'em ever tried ta' conceal their dislike of th' Chiefs.

And th' way this fool carried on about Randy Moss wuz jus' ridiculous beyond words! I seriously thought fer awhile he wuz gonna' tell us he wuz th' Second Coming. I wuz almost ready ta' drop ta' my knees fer a second. Randy Moss wuz gonna blow those Chiefs away singlehanded. All he needed wuz fer someone, any one, didn't matter, ta' throw th' ball up in th' air, and he wuz gonna catch it. At one point I even heard him go so far as ta' say,

"Sheeit, you could put th' Cap't out there at quarterback, and let him throw th' ball and Randy Moss would still catch it."

Some other peoples I mentioned this to said they didn't hear that part. I said,

"Whut? Do ya' think I jus' make up shit like that fer th' hell of it?"
ta' no response. Well, no matter.

Anyway...... when he caught th' long touchdown pass I thought th' sumbitch wuz gonna piss all over hisself in ecstasy. I mean, th' dude wuz almost swooning. It wuz th' most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life, it wuz dazzling, it wuz poetry in motion, it wuz more graceful than even Misty Swan's dance at th' Flamingo Juice Bar! Oh, whut a sight!!

Oh, how he carried on! A buddy of mine put it rather well; he said he could hardly believe Stirling could even talk with Randy in his mouth. Ha ha

I took it from conversation with his co-host that he wuz fillin' in fer some one. Does this Moron have access ta' a broadcast booth on a regular basis? If so, th' Moron who hired him needs ta' be FIRED, Immediately, fer Gross Incompetence of th' First Degree!! Jus' throw his stuff out th' window and don't ever let him in a building again that has anything ta' do with football broadcasting. And while yer doin' th' housecleanin' chores, send th' Sharpe Bros. back ta' th' Ringling Bros.where buffoons of their ilk belong

Stirling Sharpe, kiss my ass!!

th' Cap't (possible quarterback fer th' Incomparable Randy Moss)


Subject: Al Quida misses an opportunity
Date:
Wednesday, September 21, 2005 12:24 AM

Y'know, I jus' don't understand why in th' world, Osama and his crew didn't claim responsibility for blowin' up th' levees in New Orleans?

It doesn't matter that they didn't do it, cuz if they had claimed that, of course th' US govt. would have denied it, claiming th' allegations were preposterous and baseless and saying it was an accident, albeit, an accident of gross negligence.

But don't you think many amerikans would have believed that terrorists were, in fact ta' blame, and that th' govt. was coverin' it up and not tellin' 'em th' Truth, especially cus this particular government has shown a tendency to shade th' Truth before, examples bein' too numerous ta' mention here. They do have somewhat of a Credibility Gap when it comes to telling "th' Truth", don'cha think?

I always get amused, well, actually, "amused" is not really th' word I'm thinkin', but, whut I'm talkin' about is when we see some trooper complainin' that th media only talk about th' two hundred killed by car bombs in th' past week, and don't even mention th' school he and his men jus' got thru buildin'!! Of course he fails ta' mention that th' school they jus' rebuilt was blown ta' smithereens more than two years ago by amerikan bombs. He also doesn't mention the two thousand more schools ta' go. Nor th' hospitals that still need ta' be rebuilt. Nor th' lack of electricity most of th' day. Nor th' lack of water. All he can do is show us th' school they jus' rebuilt that we destroyed a couple of years ago, and wonder why it doesn't get any publicity?

"I mean, jeeeez, aren't these Iraqis lucky we're rebuildin' their country we blew up years ago. And do ya' think Saddam gave all these street urchins (whose parents were unfortunately collateral damaged ta' death in our efforts ta' bring Democracy and Freedom to 'em, may thy rest in Peace) candy like our guys do? Nah, I don't think so. Th' media jus' wanta' focus on th' petty, negative details like, how many scores were killed today goin' ta' try and pick up a pail of water. It's jus' not fair!"

And speakin' of th' Truth vs. Spin, I got an idea. Since our Leader proudly proclaims himself ta' be a born-again Christian, and all that entails, I suggest that th' next news conference he holds, some one give him a Bible and have him place his hand on it and repeat th' followin' words,

"I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear to tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing but the Truth, so help me God!"

and then, let th' questions commence! Oh man can you imagine th' headlines in tomorrow's paper?! Newspaper editors all across th' country would be tearin' their hair out and agonizin' over which headline ta' run first. This country would never be th' same!

th' cap't

P.S. I'd like ta' hear someone ask him th' following question, "So, Mr. President can you tell us whut REALLY happened concerning th' assassination of JFK on Nov. 22,1963 in Dallas? And why is it still classified 42 years later? Huh, Mr. President? Th' American peoples would not only like to know, but they have a RIGHT ta' know!!"



              
              
                 

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