joe dreck
September 30, 2005

Joe Dreck is The Captain...who never goes anywhere without his cellphone,
only it's never turned on.


Subject: Is there no end ta th Madness?
Monday, September 26, 2005 1:20 AM

Check this out. Earlier today I wuz crusin around th oh-so-hip Plazuh District's Art Fair and I noticed this young cutie crossin th street, and she had two.....thas TWO phones in her ears. Well, y'know, one in each ear. Yeah, she wuz rappin with two of her chums at th same time and wuz completely oblivious ta everything around her, includin th traffic.

Dammit ta all heck!! All I could do wuz honk my horn and flip her th finger and wave my arms and hurl obscenities at her cuz, like, I didn't have an empty bottle of Mad/Dog ta hurl at her at th time. No doubt she wuz tellin her friends,

"Like, OmiGod, there's this crazy old Geezer drivin down th street and he's. like, jus flippin everybody off and wavin his arms around. And like OhmiGod!"

And ya know she wuz gettin stereophonic "Like, OhmiGods" in return.

And speakin of Cell Phone Abusers, ya know th peoples who RILLY piss me off with their cell phones? Th young punks who try and shoot pool while they got their phone wedged against their shoulder. I mean, c'mon! Gimme a break, huh

"Yo dude, ya wanta shoot some pool or ya wanta chat? Make up yer fuckin mind!"

Didn't their mama's ever teach 'em some basic pool etiquette?

th cap't

Subject: A Tale of Synchronicity
Monday, September 26, 2005 12:36 AM

This wuz a bit strange. This past Thursday, I got up and finished reading th last twenty pages of a book by Tom Robbin's called Villa Incognito.

So I got dressed and decided ta return it to th library. When I came back ta th crib twenty minutes later, th red light wuz on my webtv unit indicatin I had received an e-mail in th interim. I turned th unit on ta see whut wuz there and I had this message waitin fer me from a buddy.

Date: Thu, Sep 22, 2005, 11:31am Subject: Happy Equinoxxx

"JOY ! JOY !! JOY !!! to you Pagans and Heathens ... Its an encore from last year ... and still rings true and is worth revisiting
"All across the clearing, the dying grass and sun were practically the same shade of yellow. Last-minute shoppers crowded the pollen parlors, and every other flower head drooped from bee-weight. A breeze with only a calorie or two of warmth left in it slid down the mountainside as if on its way to one final dip in the lake. Already rubbed red by nights of foreplay, boughs, each leaf alert, awaited the transformative ejaculation of frost. The air was musky with the fate of fallen fruit and collapsing mushrooms, brisk with the historic hustle of harvest, and a flock of crows flapped through it, teasing everybody and everything with their impenetrable koans. In flight, a twitchy curve of ebony luster, they formed the false mustache of the world.”

“There's something about summer turning into autumn."

From Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins.

Ya dig whut happened here boyz and gurlz? Th above passage ya see, wuz not only from th forementioned Villa Incognito, but it wuz on th very last page, and bein on th last page, I had jus read it twenty minutes earlier! Ha ha. No shit. Th dude who sent it had no idea whutsoever that I wuz readin th book at th time!!!

Play some Twilight Zone music here.

th cap't

P.S. Well, in re-readin this, I guess maybe ya had ta have been there at th time.

Subject: Chief's vs th' Oakland Raiders
Wednesday, September 21, 2005 3:20 AM

Did 'ja happen ta' catch my Chiefs this past Sunday? By th' way, have ya' ever noticed that when they're winnin', they're MY Chiefs; but when they lose, they're YOUR Chiefs? Now, that may not seem fair ta' ya, but quit whinin'; thas' jus' Life!! OK. Get over it.

I missed th' very beginning of th' game, so I didn't know who wuz workin' th' broadcast booth, but after a few minutes I wuz wonderin' why they had th' President of th' Oakland Raiders Booster Club announcin' th' game? All I kept hearin' from this asshole, every time th' Raiders were on defense wuz,

"I like whut ahm seein' here. I like whut ahm seein'. I like whut ahm seein'. I like whut ahm seein'."

At one point there, he said this four times in a row! (see above) I kept thinkin',

"WHO in th' Hell is this jerk? And why does he think anyone gives a shit whut he thinks about th' Oakland defense? We jus' want ya' ta' tell us about th' game. We don' give two hoots whether ya' like whut yer seein, or not!"

I mean, I know all broadcasters prolly have a certain bias, but most of 'em make an effort not ta' show it; or at least not so blatantly. There wuz no doubt whatsoever where this jerks prejudices lie.
Eventually, I discovered I wuz listenin' ta' Sterling Sharpe and...........BOOM!!! (when discussin' football I sometimes employ Maddenisms) suddenly th' murky water became crystal clear. It made sense then, cus he and his asshole brother Shannon, were two of th' biggest, loudmouth Asshole jerks in th' league, and neither one of 'em ever tried ta' conceal their dislike of th' Chiefs.

And th' way this fool carried on about Randy Moss wuz jus' ridiculous beyond words! I seriously thought fer awhile he wuz gonna' tell us he wuz th' Second Coming. I wuz almost ready ta' drop ta' my knees fer a second. Randy Moss wuz gonna blow those Chiefs away singlehanded. All he needed wuz fer someone, any one, didn't matter, ta' throw th' ball up in th' air, and he wuz gonna catch it. At one point I even heard him go so far as ta' say,

"Sheeit, you could put th' Cap't out there at quarterback, and let him throw th' ball and Randy Moss would still catch it."

Some other peoples I mentioned this to said they didn't hear that part. I said,

"Whut? Do ya' think I jus' make up shit like that fer th' hell of it?"
ta' no response. Well, no matter.

Anyway...... when he caught th' long touchdown pass I thought th' sumbitch wuz gonna piss all over hisself in ecstasy. I mean, th' dude wuz almost swooning. It wuz th' most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life, it wuz dazzling, it wuz poetry in motion, it wuz more graceful than even Misty Swan's dance at th' Flamingo Juice Bar! Oh, whut a sight!!

Oh, how he carried on! A buddy of mine put it rather well; he said he could hardly believe Stirling could even talk with Randy in his mouth. Ha ha

I took it from conversation with his co-host that he wuz fillin' in fer some one. Does this Moron have access ta' a broadcast booth on a regular basis? If so, th' Moron who hired him needs ta' be FIRED, Immediately, fer Gross Incompetence of th' First Degree!! Jus' throw his stuff out th' window and don't ever let him in a building again that has anything ta' do with football broadcasting. And while yer doin' th' housecleanin' chores, send th' Sharpe Bros. back ta' th' Ringling Bros.where buffoons of their ilk belong

Stirling Sharpe, kiss my ass!!

th' Cap't (possible quarterback fer th' Incomparable Randy Moss)

Subject: Al Quida misses an opportunity
Wednesday, September 21, 2005 12:24 AM

Y'know, I jus' don't understand why in th' world, Osama and his crew didn't claim responsibility for blowin' up th' levees in New Orleans?

It doesn't matter that they didn't do it, cuz if they had claimed that, of course th' US govt. would have denied it, claiming th' allegations were preposterous and baseless and saying it was an accident, albeit, an accident of gross negligence.

But don't you think many amerikans would have believed that terrorists were, in fact ta' blame, and that th' govt. was coverin' it up and not tellin' 'em th' Truth, especially cus this particular government has shown a tendency to shade th' Truth before, examples bein' too numerous ta' mention here. They do have somewhat of a Credibility Gap when it comes to telling "th' Truth", don'cha think?

I always get amused, well, actually, "amused" is not really th' word I'm thinkin', but, whut I'm talkin' about is when we see some trooper complainin' that th media only talk about th' two hundred killed by car bombs in th' past week, and don't even mention th' school he and his men jus' got thru buildin'!! Of course he fails ta' mention that th' school they jus' rebuilt was blown ta' smithereens more than two years ago by amerikan bombs. He also doesn't mention the two thousand more schools ta' go. Nor th' hospitals that still need ta' be rebuilt. Nor th' lack of electricity most of th' day. Nor th' lack of water. All he can do is show us th' school they jus' rebuilt that we destroyed a couple of years ago, and wonder why it doesn't get any publicity?

"I mean, jeeeez, aren't these Iraqis lucky we're rebuildin' their country we blew up years ago. And do ya' think Saddam gave all these street urchins (whose parents were unfortunately collateral damaged ta' death in our efforts ta' bring Democracy and Freedom to 'em, may thy rest in Peace) candy like our guys do? Nah, I don't think so. Th' media jus' wanta' focus on th' petty, negative details like, how many scores were killed today goin' ta' try and pick up a pail of water. It's jus' not fair!"

And speakin' of th' Truth vs. Spin, I got an idea. Since our Leader proudly proclaims himself ta' be a born-again Christian, and all that entails, I suggest that th' next news conference he holds, some one give him a Bible and have him place his hand on it and repeat th' followin' words,

"I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear to tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing but the Truth, so help me God!"

and then, let th' questions commence! Oh man can you imagine th' headlines in tomorrow's paper?! Newspaper editors all across th' country would be tearin' their hair out and agonizin' over which headline ta' run first. This country would never be th' same!

th' cap't

P.S. I'd like ta' hear someone ask him th' following question, "So, Mr. President can you tell us whut REALLY happened concerning th' assassination of JFK on Nov. 22,1963 in Dallas? And why is it still classified 42 years later? Huh, Mr. President? Th' American peoples would not only like to know, but they have a RIGHT ta' know!!"

Subject: I am th' Loon Magnet. Come to me!"
Tuesday, September 20, 2005 4:36 AM

2:54 of th' AM.

It wuz a dark an stormy night. (whut an opening line, eh?) I wuz sittin' there, in th' saloon, mindin' my own bizness once again...... jus' tryin' ta' quietly finish up th' nite, when, suddenly, my peace and quiet wuz interrupted by this fuckin' whacko who sat next ta' me, tellin' me how th' levees' never did actually break in N.O.

Nah..... see...... It wuz all jus' a plot th' Left Wing Commie Bastard Media concocted ta' discredit "The Leader".

Yep, thas' right! It seems those left-wingers will stop at nothing!! Hey, like if they could fake that moon landing thing; this kinda' caper would pose no problema fer 'em, comprende!

All I wanta' know is; How do these peoples find me? Huh? How? There were other folks sittin' there they could have focused their unfocused attentions on me.

Are they like pod people, or somthin'? Are there handlers out there directing these Loony Tunes on ta' me specifically?

Did some fiend plant a GPS system under my skin some nite when I wasn't, like, maybe functioning properly, which leads these whack jobs directly ta' me?

Is Dick Nixon still reachin' out ta' me from th' grave? I know you guys are aware that there wuz a certain enmity between Dick and I. In other words, we hated each other! He vowed ta' take me down, even if he had ta' do it from th' other side.

Or, sheeit, is it all jus' some kind of paranoid fantasy I can't shake? Y'know, like, one of those nightmares that jus' keeps on keepin' on?

Tune in again boyz and gurlz fer, "The Adventures of Cap't Hoohah".

Find out who the next fucknut is, to mess with th' Capt's leisure time?

OK, I got an appointment with Morpheus for now.

th' cap'm

Subject: Drunks! (sigh)
Monday, September 19, 2005 1:56 AM

Some drunks are jus' plain annoyin', ya know whut I mean! They give th' rest of us boozers a bad name with their tireless, obnoxious behaviors.

Like, last nite fr'instance, I wuz quietly sittin' and sippin', mindin' my own bizness, when a guy came in and sat next ta' me that I hadn't seen fer a while. He let out a big ol' whoop and said in a loud boomin', drunken voice, ya' know th' kind obnoxious drunks use,

"Hey Charleeeee, whadd'ya' know! How th' hell ya' doin? Man, it's good ta' see ya' again. I haven't seen ya' since forever!"

and he gave me a hug. (ugh) I groaned inwardly, cuz, like, it wuzn't really all that great ta' see him again. And besides, it'd only been, like, maybe three months. But this dude greeted me like we were long time bosom buddies who hadn't seen each other in ten years and jus' happened ta' run inta' each other in a little outta th' way bar on a back street in Bangkok or somthin'. He boisterously bought me a beer and clinked glasses with me and said,

"Man, Charleeee, it's good ta' see ya again. It's been a helluva long time. How th' hell ya' doin'?"

By th' way, this dude has an annoyin' habit of draggin' my name out thas always bugged me and he wuz in full-drag-out mode. And I replied in a perfunctory, non-committal kinda' way, like,

"I'm doin' OK, can't complain."

And he slapped me on th' back and raised his glass fer me ta' toast, and we clinked glasses again and he said,

"Man Charleeeee, it's super ta' see ya' again. I miss rappin' with ya' after work. (he useta' cook there) How th' hell ya' doin'?"

Ok, I'm not gonna put ya' thru th' next 30 minutes, but it went on and on, with us clinkin' glasses and him tellin' me how great it wuz ta' see me again. I'm not jivin' ya' one bit, I clinked glasses with this dude at least a dozen more times over our little re-union. At least!! Bare minimum, and each time he repeated th' same ol' refrain.

After a half-hour of that, I wuz gettin' pretty bummed out with th' whole monotinous, repetitious routine. I kept thinkin' ta' myself,

"Why me lord? Why me?"

Finally, I jus' refused ta' clink glasses with him any more. I explained ta' him we had already done th' clinking of th' glass thing, a whole buncha' times, and I said,

"I don't wanta' do no more steeenking cleenking glasses no more!!"

And he laughed and said, "'s yer Mustang runnin'?"

So I proceeded ta' give him a long, detailed six-month history of it, jus' ta' shut him up fer a while. I told him every little thing about it I could recall. And when finally, I couldn't think of any thing else ta' tell him, so ta' kinda wrap everything up, I said,

" now, it's parked in th' back of th' house, and I haven't driven it fer two months!"

And he said,

"I'll be damned!'s yer Mustang runnin' these days?"

Ha ha. Cn' ya' believe that? Sheeeit! That wuz all I could handle so I said,

"Hey look ese, 'scuse me a minute, will'ya', but I gotta' use th' john."

And I sneaked off and hid in another part of th' bar til closin' time. When I wuz makin' my egress, he spotted me across th' bar and yelled out,

"Hey Charleeeee! C'mere...have a beer!"

and motioned me over. But I jus' gave him a little wave and kept steadily movin' towards th' door. I figured he prolly jus' wanted ta' tell me how great it wuz ta' see me again anyway, and, like, I already knew that!

th' cap't

Subject: "Brownie" goes fer a Walk; on th' Un-Employed Side!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 10:08 PM

Oh th' Disgrace! Th' Humiliation! Jus' last week, George ran inta Mike Brown some where down south, and he said,

"You're doing a heckuva job Brownie!"

See, George calls 'im 'Brownie'. They're old buddies. That was then, this is now! Now meaning, he's been fired! Yeah, thas' right, he's been fired! Shocking isn't it? Cuz, like, no one has ever been fired from th' Bush Administration before! Ta' say this is a precedent is an understatement.

Peoples at both th' CIA and th' FBI who dropped th' ball on 9/11 didn't get fired.

Peoples like Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and th' Intelligence Community, once again, who totally blew it on Iraq didn't get fired. As a matter of fact, some of 'em were promoted instead.

And then along came 'Brownie'! Whose only mistake was; he didn't pull th' trigger fast enuff. Politics is a strange bizness, isn't it? It wasn't entirely 'Brownie's' fault tho, cus his previous gig didn't exactly prepare him ta' deal with a national calamity.

Hmmmmm. I'm wonderin'? If bein' incompetent is now cause ta' be fired; can ya' fire an incompetent boob of a Mayor? Ditto, a Governor? A President?


If only it were that simple, eh?

th' cap't

Subject: Thanks Cuba, but take a hike!
Monday, September 12, 2005 8:19 PM

Once again, our absolutely insane policy, vis a vis Cuba, rears it's wacky head. Th' Cubans offered ta' send 1,600 medics, field hospitals and 83 tons odd medical supplies ta' help Katrina victims, but our government told 'em, basically, ta go fuck themselves.

"We doan need no steeenking Cuban doctors or supplies."

We already got so many peoples down there helping out that they're stumblin' all over each other. Like, they already got so many doctors down there that they're checkin' each other's blood pressure fer somthin' ta' do. Whut would we possibly do with 1,600 more medical peoples?

Besides which, th' Freedom lovin' Patriots of th' Gulf Coast got too much Pride than ta' accept help from a buncha' Commie bastards. They would rather starve ta' death, or die of their injuries than take help from a (gasp) Cuban. Ask 'em if ya' don't believe me. On th' other hand, I'd bet if N. Korea offered ta' send two or three doctors, we'd hail it as an example of how we can work out our differences, and th' press would cover 'em thicker than flies on shit.

So, our policy on Aid fer Katrina victims is;

Everyone else in th' World; SI. Cuba; NO!

What is th' deal with Cuba anyway? China, with her billions of people, our former bitter Cold War enemy, is today, if I'm not mistaken, our largest trading partner in th' world. Half th' stuff ya' see on th' shelves at Wal-Mart comes from China. Try buyin' a box of Cuban cigars.

Ya' wanta' visit Vietnam? A country we were at actual war with, fer ten years, with a loss of 59,000 Amerikan lives and a couple hundred thousand wounded; go right ahead. But it's against th' Law ta' visit Cuba!! They will pump sunshine ta' ya' fer that.

Ya' wanta' build a factory in China, Russia, Vietnam, Poland, Romania, Czechoslavakia, Bulgaria, Ukraine, etc, etc, on and on, of former Cold War enemies; go right ahead. It's th' Capitalist Way!

But Cuba? Fuggedaboutit!

Don't even waste yer time thinkin' about it. Ya' wanta' talk about liftng' th' 40 year old economic embargo (which includes medical supplies) of Cuba? Sheeit. Get real Jim. And yet, when we have a major, gigantic natural catastrophe, th' Cubans offer ta' help.

We always talk about how th' Cubans used ta' ferment revolutions in other countries ta' promote their commie agenda. Oh gee. Oh horrors. I mean, we would never try ta' impose democracy on some other country, would we? Nah, course not.

I have suspected fer many years that Fidel was in some was connected ta' Kennedy's assassination. I mean, Kennedy tried fer years ta' have Castro assassinated, even goin' so far as ta' try and use his connections with th' Chicago mob ta' pull it off, so, it's not entirely out of th' question that Castro retaliated.

It's possible that, altho we couldn't prove it in th' realm of international public opinion, we decided that th' nation of Cuba would forever be our enemy, at least as long as Fidel Castro was in power.

It's possible that much of th' information concerning th' Kennedy assassination, which is STILL classified today, fr'chrissaake, after 42 years, relates ta' Fidel's involvement, otherwise, how explain this jihad we have been waging against Cuba fer th' last 42 years, when we have seen fit ta' normalize relations and forgive so many other transgressions of so many other nations as th' years passed.

I have yet, after all these years ever heard one single Amerikan politician even come close ta' justifin' this ongoin', continual oppression of Cuba!! If you can think of one good reason, which also wouldn't apply ta' th' above examples I already cited, lemme' know!

th' cap't

Subject: NO Convention Business
Friday, September 9, 2005 5:14 PM

I read somewhere in th' past days where th' head of th' New Orleans Convention Center said he expects convention business there to be back to normal in a year!

Yeah, right! In September of 06' New Orleans will be a great place to attend a convention. Man, whut Fun attendees will have there, huh!

This fuckin' Idiot need ta' be locked up, cus recent events have obviously rendered him completely Insane!

And speakin' of insanity, ta' me that would describe any effort ta' rebuild that city on top of th' rubble that is present day New Orleans! I'm sure peoples from there will be vehemently opposed ta' build it any where else, but, fuck 'em. It's a blatantly stupid idea.

Like, locally, fr'instance, I have no sympathy fer peoples who rebuild businesses along Southwest Blvd. after floods every three or four years. I think their attitude of,

"Hey, I've been flooded out before, and I'm gonna' rebuild again, cuz Mother Nature can't run me out.

No sirree! I got a lotta' Spirit see, and I'm also dumber than a fuckin' rock! And I'm proud of it!!"

Hey, fine by me, jus' as long as ya' don't try and get public assistance ta' fund yer Stupidity.

th' cap't

Subject: Sweet Mother of George! (thas' an observation; not an exclamation)
Friday, September 9, 2005 4:18 PM

I suppose ya'll have heard Barbara Bush's reaction ta' Hurricane Katrina. Ya' remember Barbara Bush? Everyone's favorite grandmotherly matron figure. No doomhead, she. Ever th' optimist and th' politician's wife, Barbara knows how ta' do "th' Spin". Some peoples have criticized Barbara sayin' she's outta' touch, but th' truth is, Barbara comes from a family that doesn't know how ta' look at anything cept' thru rose colored glasses. They're jus' incapable of seein' things any other way. Barbara said,

"How often does something nice like a hurricane come by and change your life so you can hang out with thousands of others at the Astrodome?"

While all those peoples in New Orleens are complainin' bout th' inconvience of losin' everything they own in th' world and goin' without food or water fer days, dealin' with gangs of thugs assaultin, and rapin' them, Barbara, ya' see, sees th' hurricane as an OPPORTUNITY. Yeah, an opportunity ta' get ta' know some other folks they would have never met before.

Fuck th' nattering nabobs of Negativism, if I might quote th' esteemed Spiro Agnew. Some folks jus' don't get it!! Th' Opportunity, ya' see, fer total strangers ta' get together and interact, doesn't normally occur without these special catalysts, like, well, hurricanes fr'instance, (as Barbara astutely noted) which wipe out an entire city, ta' bring peoples together. If only Rodney King coulda' been there ta' help peoples “get along.”

Darn! If we could only have situations like this happen more often, we could then bond with lotas' other fellow citizens we ordinarily wouldn't speak to, and thus create a more pleasant society.

I'm sure Barbara figured that th' occupants were all havin' tea and crumpets in their luxury suites, in between sets of Mah Jhong. And all th' kiddies were havin' a blast in th' makeshift playgrounds set up specially fer them. All in all, jus' one Big, Great Adventure fer all involved.

Unfortunately, Reality rears it's ugly head, cuz all good things must come ta' an end. Vacations don't last forever y'know. Th' Gravy Train is pullin' inta' th' station and everybody's gotta' get off now, but , man, whut Fun while it lasted, eh!!

I jus' hope all those peoples in whut used ta' be New Orleens realize tho, that all that Fun came at a price. I wonder if they are aware of th' impositions suffered by so many of our highest government officials whose vacations were cut short by their whinin' and snivelin' bout how they didn't have any drinkin' water, and nothin' ta' eat, and how th' smell of dead, rotting bodies wuz a bummer.

Ya' gotta' hand it ta' Dennis Hastert tho, cuz he wuzn't gonna' let this mess interfere with his routine, cuz he had a schezhuled appointment ta' attend an antiques car show, and as he said, he had made that appointment, "a long, long time ago", like, waaay before th' hurricane, y'unnerstan, and so naturally, he had ta' be there, cuz, like, if he says he's gonna' be someplace, well, dammit, he's gonna be there!! He's a man of his word. Hurricanes be damned!

A couple of days in, Condi Rice wuz out shoppin' fer shoes. Some negative types of peoples saw this as bein' somewhat callous, but I'm sure she wuz jus' lookin' fer a pair of fashionable galoshes for when she could find time at some future date ta' visit th' area.

And poor Dick Cheney! Sheesh. He wuz out fly-fishin' in Montana or Wyoming some place; we don't really have any idea of where he is these days cuz it's necessary fer him ta' hide out a lot, ta' protect himself from possible terrorist attacks. Hell, he wuz jus' tryin' ta' relax a bit out there in th' Big Sky country, and next thing ya' know, peoples jus' kept buggin' 'im ta' cut his vacation short. Damn! A guy tries ta' get away fer a few days...and then whut happens!? Peoples in New Orleens are belly-aching bout every damned thing and next thing ya' know......his vacation is shot all ta' shit. I mean, whut exactly does a guy gotta' do ta' get a fuckin' day off?! Ya' know how hard that Vice President's job is? Those peoples workin' in th' fast food industry don't know how good they got it. Jus' let 'em try sittin' in th' VP's hot seat fer one shift!!

Then, Our President, th' Honorable George W. Bush, Leader of th' Free World, Champion of Democracy, Defender of th' Faith, Born Again Christian, Lion of Judah, etc, etc, is formin' a Commission ta' look inta things and assess jus' how well various guvmint agencies performed, and th' winner's employees will get a two week's paid vacation, Guaranteed, with no interruptions, come hell or high water. (heh heh. A bit of levity ta' lighten th' somber tone)

And jus' ta' make sure everything's on th' up and up, he has appointed hisself ta' head th' Commission! This is ta' make sure that proper credit is given where credit is due. Insiders say his man Brown, there at FEMA, seems certain ta' at least win his share of th' accolades, if not th' whole ball of wax fer th' superb way his minions handled th' challenge. With his background settlin' disputes among wealthy horse owners, he wuz exceptionally qualified ta' run a large Federal Agency. I think this handlin' of th' situation demonstrates not only his abilities, but also th' Savvy and Wisdom th' Leader showed in appointin' him in th' first place.

Fer sure, th' FEMA official who turned away th' Wal-Mart trucks full of bottled water, exemplifies th' Spirit of FEMA. That gentleman's decision is typical of th' hard nosed attitudes necessary in critical situations ta' maintain th' Rule of Law. Ya' jus' can't, as much as ya' might like, let un-authorised peoples take initiative and go off and act on their own. This guy will almost certainly be promoted and, if there's any Justice at all, be given even more Authority.

Now, some peoples jus' don't know how ta' follow orders! As an example of th' dangers of loose canons, take th' two helicopter pilots who were disciplined, and rightly so, fer rescuin' and savin' 112 lives, when they were supposed ta' return' ta' base immediately after completing their supply mission.Ya' gotta' ask yerself,

"Whut were they thinkin?"

Their commanding officer denied they were disciplined; he said they were merely "reprimanded". I read in th' paper tho where one of them wuz re-assigned ta' a kennel. Naw, they weren't disciplined; it's quite common fer helicopter pilots in times of crisis ta' be assigned ta' dog kennels. Nothin' unusual bout that. Thas' jus' business as usual. This kind of diversity of experience is whut makes 'em such prized assets and is invaluable ta' them when it comes time fer promotion. Gettin' re-assigned ta' dog kennel duty is a feather in any pilots cap.

There are some peoples who think our government officials are so isolated that they're outta' touch with th' common man. That they don't have a fuckin' clue about th' Life of th' Common Man, but as Rush Limbaugh would tell ya', nothin' could be further from th' truth! Hey, they got lives too ya' know!! They suffer under th' weight of three montages jus' like everybody else. Do ya' think those homes in th' Hamptons come cheap? Do ya' know whut it costs ta' send th' chirrun' off ta' Harvard and Yale? Do ya' think it's easy ta' give every member of th' family a Hummer? Do ya' think they get a special price break on their gas? Fuck no ta' all those questins.These peoples only have so much ta' give in service ta' their country, y'know? So, if they seem indifferent some times, who cn' blame them? They work tirelessly fer th' peoples and then they get no appreciation fer their efforts.

Finally, in exasperation and frustration, they come ta' th' conclusion, like, fuck th' Masses! And, specially th' Black Masses! Hell, they don't got no Political clout! They don't got no Economic clout! Sheeit. They don't got any kind of clout of any kind at all!! So..... why're they surprised ta' find th' guvmint don't give a shit bout them?

Nah...all those complaints from all those whiners are nothin' but “sour grapes” from peoples who wish They could be th' ones livin' up there in' th' Ivory Towers, goin' fly fishin, and shoppin', and attendin' car shows and makin' witty quips.

Tell me, where do ya' think this country would be today if it weren't fer th' likes of Bush and Cheney, and Rumsfeld, and Carl Rove and Andrew Card and other public servants whose only goal is ta' serve th' Amerikan Corp.... er, peoples? Huh???? Where?

th' cap't

Subject: Some personal thoughts on a growing controversy
Friday, September 9, 2005 2:21 AM

I'm sure yur all aware of th' ongoin' controversy concernin' th' notion of whether hot dogs feel pain when we fry them? There's been a lot written bout' this lately and I jus' wanted ta' jump in th' melee and add my two cents.

Now, I don't have any studies or any scientific evidence ta' back up my opinion. My feeling here is limited ta' anecdotal and my own personal experience, but I DO believe they are suffer and feel pain as they're fryin'. Especially when ya' mash down on them. Like, fr'instance, earlier tonite I wuz fryin' up a pair, side by side, and when I mashed down on them with th' flat side of a knife, they both made hissing sounds, followed by loud, high-pitched, shrieking squeals, like,


When I laid off th' mashin', they endured their fate in stoic silence. Then I mashed down again, followed by th' same heart wrenchin' screams. Well, all I cn' tell ya' is thas' all th' evidence I needed.

I'm not gonna' be mashin' down on no more helpless hot dogs myself!! Now, I'm not tryin' ta' tell ya' whut ya' should do personally. It's entirely up ta' you. Let ur own conscience be yer guide, but once ya've heard that pitiful squealin' sound, ya'd have ta be some kind of heartless sadist ta' continue. I'm surprised and disappointed that, "th' Peoples from PETA" haven't taken up this issue.

th' cap'

Subject: Th' Tshirt as a form of personal expression
Wednesday, September 7, 2005 10:34 AM

I saw my buddy Derek last nite at th' saloon wearin' a T-shirt that said,


which I found rather amusin'. It's kinda similar ta' th' old expresion,


but with a slightly harder edge. Ha ha.

th' cap't

Subject: A Successful Launch
Tuesday, September 6, 2005 2:50 AM

Whew! I jus' thought it's a good thing that worked cuz if I destroyed my TV in a moment of pique over th' failure of my webtv unit; that woulda' been kinda' stupid, wouldn't it?

th' cap't

Subject: Re: Amateur parallel parkers; oh, the folly
Tuesday, September 6, 2005 2:46 AM

About 3 weeks ago my webtv got zapped by lightning so I bought a new, advanced version. It is such a piece of shit. I can't tell ya' whut a piece of shit this thing is. This is th' third one. I sent two others back.

It would be like if yer old ford pinto were totaled out in a wreck and ya' bought a new crown vic, and ya wished ya had yer old pinto back. I jus wrote th' below message, re-read it, put my addresses in, hit th' “send” button, which resulted in shuttin; th' fuckin' thing off, wiping out th' whole message in th' process.

am I pissed off? FUCK YES!!

will I throw my ashtray thru th' TV if it does it this time?


-----Original Message-----

On occasion I receive messages from some peoples that accuse me of a certain gender bias, warnin' me that I am gettin' dangerously close ta' steppin' over th' line. Many of these accusatory notes ended with some admonition such as,


y'know, that type of thing. But as ta' th' allegation of gender bias, I say, "Balderdash! and Phooey!"

cus look here, some of my best friends are Gurls! Thas' right!! But, since there are about 3 1/2 billion of these critters out there and in th' interest of Harmony and Gender Peace, and jus' co-incidentally, Self Preservation, I'm gonna' accede (read, "cave in") ta' their wishes (read Demands) and try and be more objective and sensitive in th' future.

However, on th' flip side of th' coin I might add that, on many occasions, when in th' company of females, or simply overhearin' conversations among gurl peoples, I've heard so many of those of my own gender referred ta' in th' most unflatterin' of terms. I'm not jivin' ya'! There are a whole lotta' these these gurls who think we're a bunch of lumberin', three legged critters with minds sharp as a gnat, who not only do not have a clue, but accordin' ta' them, we don't even know whut a clue is!

Hey, look here, I, myself, KNOW what 'clues' are.... OK? I know what a “CLUE” is, since I have long followed and studied Holmes methods, so don't try and hang that “clueless jacket” on me. OK!!

But anyway, in th' future Im gonna' try and be a more PC kinda' guy. OK!!? OK??? Havin' said all that, I wanta' tell ya' bout an incident I witnessed recently. I wuz down there gettin' ready ta' go into th' libarry (don't laugh! they gots lots of books and magazines with pitchers in em' there). I had jus' parked my car and there wuz a gap between me and th' car in front of me that wuz at least 2 1/2 car lengths long.

Well, this young, blonde haired person wearin' sunglasses, drivin' a large SUV decided ta park in that gap. Now look, I got nothin' against young peoples. I used ta' be one myself. Prolly my main feeling bout them would be ENVY, OK! Some of my best friends are young persons.

And I have never been one ta' denigrate blonde persons as a group. They're jus' like everyone else, y'know, some are OK, others aren't.

And I, myself, wear sunglasses, day and night, so there's no prejudice there, I sometimes wake up in th' morning, (well, rather th' afternoon) and I still got mine on, so no big deal on that score.

As far as th' SUV goes, once again, these are regular peoples jus' like you and me, although they do have an unexplained penchant fer puttin' bumper stickers on their vehicles sayin' things like,
"My son is an Honor Student at Summerset Hills Prep Day School, nyah, nyah, nyah",

But we can excuse a little parental pride, eh ese!? Once again, as a matter of fact, some of my best friends drive SUVs', so there!!

OK, back ta' my story. This person, (and in the interests of non-gender bias, (see above) I'm gonna' refer ta' this person using th' gender neutral pronoun of "IT") pulled alongside this car way in front of me. They positioned their self about four feet from it's side and they proceeded ta' back up, turnin' th' wheel th' whole time. I sat there watchin', jus' ta' see th' outcome.

Well, when their right rear wheel bumped th' curb, “it” looked startled and confused. Th' vehicle wuz at about a 75-80 degree angle from th' curb. Not wishin' ta' embarrass th' person, I started lookin' up, and ta' th' left and ta' th' right, whistling broadway show tunes, tryin' ta' look as nonchalant and uninterested as possible.

Evidently, not one ta' give up easily, it decided ta' try again. So it pulled forward ta' make another attempt and now it wuz even farther away from th' side of th' car than th' first time.

Oh little detail I omitted earlier wuz that; it wuz chattin' away on it's cell phone all this time!! Ya' prolly already knew that though, didn't ya? I didn't mention it before, cuz yur all aware I'm sure, of my strong feelings concernin' 'driving and the cell phone". I didn't want ya' ta' think I wuz bein' prejudicial and biased before I started.

Well anyway, it started backin' up once again and it wuz steadily turnin' th' wheel, when once again.... BUMP...but this time though.... BOTH rear wheels hit th' curb simultaneously!! Ha ha. The vehicle wuz stickin' straight out into th' street, completely perpendicular ta' th' curb, totally blockin' traffic. Ya' would havta' seen it ta' believe some one could do that! Cars were honkin' at it since they couldn't get by. Several impatient peoples went on around it, bein' forced ta' pull into th' oncomin' lane ta' get around it.

I couldn't help myself. I started to chuckle. Then, I started ta' laugh!! It wuz pretty godamed funny! I know, I know. I shouldn't have, but I jus' couldn't help it. It saw me and frowned and glared at me, but still yappin' away. It never once stopped. It never occurred I guess, ta' maybe, like, put th' fuckin' phone down fer ten seconds, and like.... park...... and then resume its all important call. But, who has time for such nonsense when one is tryin' ta' carry on a conversation, eh?

Finally, in "pissed off mode", it gunned th' vehicle forward, barely missin' sideswipin' cars parked on th' opposite side of th' street and roared away ta' find some other place where maybe they had parkin' slots!

I thought ta' myself,

"This poor person needs help!"

and I would be perfect fer th' job, cuz, in all modesty, I am one of th' best parallel parkers I have ever seen. I wuz a natural born parker from th' very beginnin' when I started ta' drive at 15 1/2. Over th' years I perfected my craft. I coulda' gone ta' th' Nationals. Sheeit, I coulda' been a contendah if..........well, never mind, I won't dredge all that back up. Jus' let it go that I coulda' taught that clueless critter ta' park that thing any where it wanted.

th' cap't

P.S. As an example of my parking prowess, one time I parked my big ol' boat-like 66' Continental in a parking space sooo small, I couldn't get it out. And I wuz wall bumpin' drunk ta' boot!!

Subject: Re: New Orleans
Tuesday, September 6, 2005 1:32 AM

My buddy David sent th' below, my thoughts follow.

"I don't agree that homeland security and FEMA executives should be fired. I think they should be charged with capital crimes, tried, found guilty and put in jail with the dregs of New Orleans.
Bush, I don't know what to do with him. I guess the dual legacy of Iraq and Katrina will be his page in the history books."

I know it's trite to say this but I believe Bush is without a doubt, the absolute worst president in Amerikan history. EVER! Even Nixon, that asshole of assholes, who easily qualifies as second, was better!

Of course those assholes should be fired, but, hell, they didn't fire the heads of the CIA and the FBI, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz. et al, over their colossal bungling of the Iraqi mess.

I don't believe it's possible to get fired from th' Bush Administration. Sheeit, the guy from FEMA used to be an official with a horse judging association! But being one of 'th; good ol' boys', he was made the head of FEMA. Un-fucking-believable!

I also heard where Condileeza Rice was seen shopping for shoes a day or so after the disaster. Well, we can't fault her for that, can we? After all, a gurls gotta' have some nice kicks, eh!

I read where Hastert, in explanation of where he'd been, said he had been schezhuled to be at an antique car auction as he put it, "a long, long, time ago". Well, of course, I mean, like, you wouldn't expect him to cancel an appointment to be at a antique car auction, that he had made a ,"long, time ago". would you? I mean, c'mon, it's not like the world came to an end. Can you believe these fuckers!?

I heard on NPR where three Wal-Mart trucks loaded full of water were turned away by FEMA officials, citing their lack of authorization to enter the area!!! What IDIOCY!

If there was ever any doubt about the readiness and ability of our country to deal with a major terrorist threat; I think that has been answered loud and clear. It's completely non-existent!!

Do you not think these terrorists have been watching this mess unfold, and studying every tiny detail with unbelieving eyes? They should be ashamed of themselves tho, for not taking advantage of this situation. They are going to prolly have to answer to their masters for that. For why thy didn't have an emergency contingecy plan, a Plan B, if you will, to be initiated if a good opportunity presented itself. and what better opportunity could they have ever had?

We're lucky boyz and gurlz those guys were asleep here. What utter havoc they could have wreaked!!!

Man, what a fucked up country and fucked up government we live under! It's just disgusting beyond words.

th' cap't

Subject: Disaster in New Orleans
Friday, September 2, 2005 1:50 AM

It's just unbelievable what has happened there. In light of th' magnitude of th' devastation.

Do you suppose that fifty years from now th' City of New New Orleans will be completely rebuilt? And will they build it on th' rubble of what used to be New Orleans? Or will they decide that maybe th' New New Orleans oughta' be built some place else, like, at least some place above sea level?

th' cap't.

Subject: Cindy Sheehan, dumb bitch
Monday, August 29, 2005 12:42 PM

Lemme' explain a bit. When I first heard about Cindy Sheehan I wuz all fer her. I thought it wuz great, cuz as far as I'm concerned, any bad PR fer Bush and Company and their totally Insane policies is fine with me. I thought it wuz great that a lotta' attention wuz bein' given ta' th' increasin' anti-war sentiments of a lotta' Amerikans who had formerly supported th' war unequivocally, and are now havin' serious reservations.

And then, she spoke!

These sympathies with her wuz before this dumb bitch opened her mouth and started spewin' her absurd and often nonsensical garbage. This wuz before I found out that she had already had one meeting previously with th' president, which is more than almost all of th' other war moms have gotten.
This wuz before she had characterised th' insurgents, th' very same peoples who blow up innocent children in hospitals, as "freedom fighters".

"Freedom fighters"? C'mon, gimme a break, huh!! It's one thing ta' oppose th' war, but this doesn't mean embracing th' religious fanatics fighting us. They are not killin' Amerikans and killin' their own peoples to gain "Freedom" fer them! They're killin' 'em so they can impose a "religious dictatorship" on 'em similar ta' th' Taliban in Afghanistan and th' mullahs in Iran Is that her definition of "Freedom"?

Th' best thing her handlers, th' ones pullin' her strings, could do now, after exploiting her "grieving mother syndrome" fer all they could get outta' it, would be ta' duct tape her mouth shut and claim she wuzn't gonna' speak again until she got her meeting.

I could be wrong, but where th' hell wuz Cindy Sheehan, "anti-war protestor" before her son wuz killed? Had anyone ever heard her anti-war views then? She wuzn't known as 'th anti-war mom' whose son wuz servin' in Iraq! Wuz she then demandin' that th' president meet with her ta' explain his policies? When she did meet with th' president, why didn't she use that opportunity ta' demand an explanation of whut he wuz doin' at that time?

If Cindy Sheehan wants ta' protest th' war; fine, I certainly would agree with that, more power ta' her and others like her' jus' leave her son out of it. Th' fact of th' matter is; her son joined voluntarily. He wuz not drafted against his will. He knew whut he wuz doin'. A professional soldier understands th' dangers of that profession. She oughta' shut up and let him rest in peace. She does him no service invoking his name in her cause.

All this leads me ta' conclude that while I wholeheartedly agree with th' Cause: I think th' spokesperson is a fuckin' Idiot!

th' cap't

Subject: More babble on th' badger sighting
Thursday, August 25, 2005 3:28 PM

Judgin' from th' reactions of a number of peoples, it's a good thing I didn't report seein' a UFO, cuz it wuz commonly suggested that I wuz mebbe' drunk, or stoned, or hallucinatin'. This over merely claimin' ta' have seen a badger!! Credibility Quotient seems ta' be rather low. Whyzzzat, I wonder?

Now, under th' weight of public opinion I'm beginnin' ta' question whether I did in fact, see a badger after all? Peoples who are familiar with th' “wild life” of th' region (and I'm not referrin' ta' party-goers either) are sayin' I most likely saw a groundhog. Well, they could be right, but it kinda reminds me of how they tell th' peoples who claim ta' see UFO's, that it wuz actually only Venus risin' or somthin.

Is there some kind of 'badger cover-up' goin' on here? Is there a conspiracy to keep "th Truth about Badgers" from th' Amerikan public? Have I unwittingly glommed onta' somthin' that Nixon and his minions don't want us ta' know about? Jus' whut is his 'badger agenda' anyway?

On th' other hand, it could jus' be a case of mistaken identity. Mebbe there's nothin' sinister goin' on after all? Admittedly, I do tend ta' see Nixon's fingerprints on most things that I can't explain. I suppose that if ya' put that 'alleged' badger in a line-up with some other
similar critters, I might have a hard time pickin' 'im out, cuz.... well..... it wuz dark in there....... and I did only see 'im fer a brief fleeting moment, so.........Quien sabe?

So, fer now, I guess it'll jus' have'ta' remain another one of Life's Unsolved Mysteries eh!

th cap't

Subject: a bit more humor from mike g.
Thursday, August 25, 2005 2:46 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked,

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-powered bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled,

"Now, back off!! Or you will answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?" he asked.

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Subject: I'm baaack! Return of th' Cap't
Thursday, August 25, 2005 1:20 PM

I know, I know, a lotta' peoples are goin',

"So, who's this fuckin' Cap't? And has he been gone? And why should I give a shit if he's back anyway?!"

Oh sure, there's peoples like that, but fer all you other boyz and gurlz, ya' can stop th' handwringin' and th' teeth gnashin', cuz everything's OK. It was naught but a temporary interruption. Th' earth will not be spinnin' off it's axis and everything is OK now.

See whut happened wuz; my webtv got zapped by lightning a while back and I ordered a new one from RCA. This RM-4100 wuz a new advanced, improved model of th' RM 2100 I had been usin' fer th' past two years; faster, more powerful they said, with lotsa' cool new features.. Sheeit. Whut a crock!! I can tell ya' one thing fer sure; th' Intelligent Designer had nothin' ta' do with that design of that piece of shit!
I could easily give ya' a dozen different examples of how th' older system wuz more efficient, more “user friendly” and I did, ta' a dozen different peoples at RCA, none of whom gave a shit!! Couldn't care less! After all, they didn't design it, as I wuz repeatedly told.' piece of shit only worked fer two days before it shot craps. Then another series of phone calls ensued ta' a bunch of other peoples who also didn't give a shit. I'm tellin' ya', in th' last week I've spent prolly 7-9 hours on “hold” while I talked ta' more than a dozen different peoples from RCA and MSN. After finally gettin' ahold of someone they would give me a number ta' call; then when I finally got a hold of a Human there, they would give me a number ta' call, which would be th' same fuckin' number I called originally. Ya've no doubt experienced that kinda bullshit before!! This merry-go-round went on fer days.

Finally in a "moment of frustration" I suggested that perhaps th' assassination of th CEO wuz in order....No, No, No, just kiddin'. I'm only joshin'!! Ha ha. But, whut th' hell, if th' Righteous Pat Robertson, Baptist Minister, founder of th' Christian Coalition, former presidential candidate, God bless 'im, can make outrageous statements, why can't I?

But anyway, I did tell th' last person I talked ta', "Fuck YOU! Fuck RCA and Fuck MSN and FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLES!!!"

and gently hung up.

So now, I am currently usin' th' Sony webtv unit I bought back in Jan. 98'. Tho it's almost 8 years old, and not exactly state-of-th' art, it'll have ta' do fer th' moment. So, if ya' can remember, please don't send me any kind of photo attachments cuz they take up waaay too much broadband fer this unit ta' handle.


Later fer now.

th' cap't

Subject: Mystery solved
Monday, August 15, 2005 11:20 AM

In case yer wonderin', cuz like, normally I wouldn't be up babblin' this time of th' morn. I'm usually racked out now, but earlier I had this quack stickin' a two foot long rubber tube down my throat. Man, I'm not gonna' be doin' that shit again any time soon!! I'd rather jus' go ahead and keep on chokin' when I'm eatin'.

th' cap't

P.S. Prior ta' th' insertion, ta' ease my concerns, Doctor Quacker told me of a little ol' lady who self-administers her tube every couple of weeks. He didn't mention she's prolly in th' Bughouse tho.

Subject: New pertinent information vis a vis 'the badger'.
Monday, August 15, 2005 11:05 AM
OK. My good friend, Ms Sally sent me some info on th' badger. I seems they live from California to Missouri, from Texas ta' Canada, so I guess my sighting wuzn't anything ta' get excited about. But man, it sure excited th' shit outta' me fer a half-second. I'm not used ta' badgers scurrying by me as I go ta' get in my car, know whut I mean!

Like, accordin' ta' Ms. Sally's information, th' habitat of th' badger is:

"The American badger lives in open areas like plains and prairies, farmland, and the edges of woods."

Ya' notice it don't say nothin' bout no badgers livin' at or around 51st and Walnut. There aren't any plains, prairies, farmlands or woods around whut's th' deal here? This must be some kinda' rogue badger. He can't live where th' rest of th' badgers he's gotta' be a rebel. Do it his way! Prolly a teenage badger, eh!

th' cap't

P.S. My buddy Tommy writes me that he's seen plenty badgers here in KC and Texas, but he says they were all drunk. But he's a Texan now, so make of it whut ya' will.

Subject: Badger Sighting
Monday, August 15, 2005 10:06 AM

Ya' know I told ya' recently 'bout th' Ivory-Billed Woodpecker sighting down in Arkansas. Well pretty exciting times right here in River City cuz, yesterday, a local loon claims he wuz mightily startled as a big, fat, badger scampered right by him as he walked in ta' his garage. Asked if he might have been mistaken, he said he knows th' difference between a possum and a badger. He said,

"I seen deer before, down 'round Brush Creek. I seen th' occasional fox and I seen many a possum and racoon, but I ain't never seen no badger 'round these 'hyar parts. It warn't no possum, I'm tellin' ya. I know Marlon Perkins, bless his soul, woulda' agreed with me"

Like, have you ever seen any badgers hangin' around yer garage before?

th' cap't

P.S. And NO! I wuzn't drunk neither!! It wuz a fuckin' Badger!


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