joe dreck
July 29, 2005

Joe Dreck is The Captain...and he's not a Kansan.

Subject: Eerie!
Friday, July 29, 2005 11:28 AM

Last nite I wuz sittin' there at the bar, and the barmaid, during a lull in the music, axed me...she said,

"Cap'm, did ya' see the movie The Sixth Sense?

and I said, "Yeah."

and she crooked her finger towards me, and leaned over th' bar and I leaned over th' bar, and she whispered in my ear,


she said, in this soft whispery voice,

"and they're EVERYWHERE!........... and they don't even know they're DRUNK!!"

Pretty fuckin' bizarre, eh?

th' cap't

Subject: Ah, the Innocence of Youth (or th' Stupidity, whutever)
Thursday, July 28, 2005 5:44 PM

Last night this young dude wuz tellin' me about his first time out at th' riverboat last Friday nite. He 'splained that he had never really been much of a gambler, but a couple of his buddies, visitin' from out of town, wanted ta' whut th' hell!

He tells me he started shootin' “craps.” He said he rilly liked th' game. It wuz all about numbers. He liked that. It wuz about math. He liked that. He's very good with numbers and math in his bank job and with his degree in economics, ya' see.

He told me it took him a little while ta' figure th' game out...but once he did...he started ta' win. He gleefully told me how he had parlayed 80 bucks into 160 in only 2 1/2 hours. (WOW, huh? is this guy a high roller, or whut!) He wanted ta' stay and keep on winnin' but his buddies, who didn't really know how to play th' game, (some rubes from Kansas no doubt) and had no system whut so ever, were losin' and wanted ta' go elsewhere.

So, he told me he wuz goin' back by himself this comin' Monday nite ta' win some more money. I told him in light of th' results of his first foray, he oughta' consider quittin' his day job and becomin' a professional gambler. He gave me a funny look cuz he wasn't sure whether I wuz kiddin' him or not, (I get that a lot) and he said,

"Well, cap'm, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for that."

and I said,

"Well, Phil, mebbe not right now, but in a couple of weeks, when ya've had a chance ta' work on and perfect yer System, ya' might think differently."

He gave me that questioning' look again and said,

"Well, I gotta go Cap'm. Wish me luck on Monday nite."

and I replied,

"Hey Phil, catch ya' later, and good luck on Monday nite."

That kid is so blessed ta' have figured out how ta' win at craps at such a young age, huh! After only one time he's figured it out. Now, all he's gotta do when he needs some extra cash is ta go ta th' casino, and, voila!

See, a lotta' peoples don't realise how easy it is ta' win money there; if you have an effective Gambling System. See, these casinos are basically there, so that large corporations have a means ta' distribute their excess monies ta' needy persons, such as you and me. Th' main thing ya' gotta keep in mind is simply,

"If ya' don't play...ya' can't win!!"

OK?! or... another better way ta look at it is,

"The MORE ya'' MORE ya' WIN!!"

It's that easy! So....if ya' should find yerself a bit short of cash......jus' head ta' th' nearest casino and they will be glad fer th' opportunity ta' give ya' as much of theirs as ya' need. Thas' whut they're there for!!

th' cap't

P.S. I'm goin' to give ya'll an extremely valuable gaming tip here, but don't tell everyone ya' know about it, OK? This is it,


and ya' can't go wrong!! TH' STARS DON'T LIE!!

Oh yeah, one other thing. In terms of yer mental attitude; don't ever think of it as GAMBLING again. Think…GAMING. See, 'gamble' implies RISK, whereas “game” implies 'FUN".

Y'know, I'm' very worst thing that could happen ta' Phil would be fer him ta' actually WIN Monday nite!! Ha ha. Cuz he might jus' decide ta' quit that day job after all. Ha ha

Subject: Th' hard way.
Thursday, July 28, 2005 4:46 PM

I read in th' paper today where a guy wuz arrested at a Wal-Mart in Harrisonville for threatenin' employees with a knife after he wuz spotted stealin' some things. He wuz charged with,

exhibiting a deadly weapon
resisting arrest
stealing without consent
and trespassing

I'm thinkin' he can prolly beat th' trespassing beef since some Wal-Mart "greeter" prolly welcomed him as he entered th' store, so he wuz hardly trespassing, eh!.

Now, this "stealing without consent" coulda' been easily avoided. But th' dumb-ass perp, instead of tellin' them his intentions and getting permission, instead chose to jus' surrepiitiously steal stuff anyway, apparently without askin' anybody. He coulda' avoided that whole un-pleasantness if he had simply asked somebody, like,

"Hey yo, I'm gonna be stealin' a few things here in th' next few minutes, so if some body would jus' consent ta' that, I can jus' get on about my bizness, know whut ahm sayin."

But, noooo.... he didn't do that. I'm afraid he's gonna' go down on that one.

So, remember that, boyz and gurlz; always get permission before ya' steal stuff. It could save ya' a lotta' trouble.

th' cap'm

Subject: Feedback on head scratchin'
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 5:03 PM

I've had several peoples forward their theories concernin' th' head scratchin' issue. Some note th' similarity between us and our simian cousins. I've not heard from any Kansans tho at all.

Of course, th' average Kansan, altho still believin th' moon is made outta' green cheese, and th' world is flat, (bein' from Kansas, not so hard tho to see why they wouldn't think th' world wuz flat, eh. Ha ha) would never subscribe ta' th notion that this behavior is passed down thru evolution, (There it is.that nasty of nasty words, th' "E" word) cus they don't come from no great steenking apes! Ya' dig! As a matter of fact, I doubt there are many Kansans who have ever even pondered th' question ta' begin with. They are not lollin' about th' wheat fields spendin' any kind of time thinkin' bout this issue.

Yer normal Kansan native is a huge lumbering oaf, male/female, don't make no difference, with a wheat stem stickin outta' their snaggled toothed mouth, with a bit of drool hangin' off th' chin, while lookin' fer some Inspiration in th' Good Book. Take a look at th' Members of th' Kansas Board of Education. Need I say more?

Admittedly, there are some Kansans who do not fit this profile. We can't stereotype a whole state jus' based on 95% of 'em, can we? Like, I personally know some Kansans, who are good friends of mine and are outstandin' peoples! If ya' saw 'em walkin' down th' street, ya' wouldn't have any suspicion of their Kansan origins. They look jus' like you and me. They could easil "pass" as regular Amerikans. Of course these are few and far between, which is why we cherish 'em.

To be fair, I haven't heard from any one in New York, say, or Pennsylvania about this either. I'm sure there are folks sittin' around board rooms right now, who are not deliberating this puzzle.

Actually, it would seem that, I, th' cap't, am possibly th' onliest one asking dumb questions such as this. hmmmm. I wonder whut th' implications of that are?

th' cap't

P.S. Ta' all those Kansans who bitterly resent my exaggerated, unflattering' characterization of Kansas; all I can say is, You know where th' State line is!

Subject: There's a lesson here boyz and gurlz
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 4:38 AM

OK. Think about it.

"The Ferret, eyes and nose to the ground, never hears footsteps of the Hawk!"

th' cap't

Subject: Nature vs. Nurture; that is the question
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 4:31 AM

Earlier today, I saw a man who had locked himself out of his car. After several unsuccessful attempts ta' open th' door, he stood back and looked at his car and scratched his head. When he did that I wondered ta' myself,

"Why did he jus' do that? Is scratchin' his head goin' to unlock his door?"

Nah, I don't think so!! So then..... why do we do that when we are confused, perplexed, or in doubt about somthin'? Hey, I'll cop ta' it. I've done it! So have you! We all do it. But, th' question is;


Is it a cultural thing? Somthin' that we learned? Or is it a basic human instinct? Do all humans do it, whether they're in th' middle of th' Amazonian rain forest, th' Russian steppes or th' NYC jungle?

Personally, I don't see how it could be an instinct, cuz it accomplishes absolutely nothin'. Did we do that while we were swingin' thru th' trees, or did we pick it up after we jumped down on to th' savanna? How did scratchin' our heads when we get confused help homo sapiens ta' survive and thrive? (We ARE thrivin' aren't we? Ha ha. I guess one could argue that, dependin' on yer point of view)

And if none of this makes any sense ta' you, are ya' scratchin' yer head right now? It's OK ta' admit it if

ya' are!

th' cap't

P.S. Hey look, th' next time ya' see someone scratchin' their head in bewilderment, do me a favor would ya'? Jus' ask em' WHY? and lemme know whut they said. Help me shed some light on this, eh!

Subject: Song lyrics which reflect th' human condition
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 2:49 AM

These are th' lyrics from a song from 1957 called, "Short Shorts" by The Royal Teens. I think, even tho they're 48 years old they still pretty much sums up whut Life is all about. They seem ta' me jus' as pertinent today as they did back then. Check it out. Th' lyrics follow,

Boys chorus: "Who wear short shorts?"
Girls chorus: "We wear short shorts."
Boys chorus: "Bless em' short shorts."
Girls chorus: "We like short shorts."
Boys chorus: "Who wear short shorts?
Girls chorus: "We wear short shorts."

OK, I mean, whut more can ya' say? See, they jus' don't write lyrics like that no more here in this Third Millennium do they? Jus' color me a sentimental ol' fool, but when I read those lines, well, I get a hankerin' fer th' good ol' days, ya' know whut ahm sayin'?

Like, at th' time, I wuz 16, a member in good standin' of "the Condors", crusin' thru th' A&W or Ruby's in San Bernardino, Calif, in my custom ‘50 Olds, lookin' fer some "haps." Simpler times. We didn't have'ta worry bout no terrorists back then, but still, ya' did have ta' keep a sharp lookout fer "the Strikers" or "Los Topos" cuz th' sighting of either of 'em meant instant "rumbl" cuz we didn't exactly get along

Ha ha. Ah, those were th' days my friend. Hell, we thought they'd never end!! Th' naiveté of youth, eh!

th' cap't

Subject: Diggin' thru th' flotsom and jetsom ta' get ta' th' Truth.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 5:44 PM

I went ta' th' bank earlier today. I had ta' put my thumb print on th' check I wuz cashin'. It said on th' top of th' little plastic stamp pad,

"INKLESS INK PAD. Press thumb blah, blah, blah......"

I asked th' dude behind th' counter how it wuz possible ta' have an "inkless" ink pad? He didn't know whut I wuz talkin' about. So I showed him th' message written there. I said,

"How can ya' have an "inkless" ink pad? That doesn't make any sense, I mean, if there's no ink, how then, can it be an ink pad?"

He jus' shook his head in confusion. I said,

"Well, look here, if there's no ink, whut th' hell is this black stuff all over my thumb?"

Once again, he didn't know whut ta' say. He started lookin' nervous, started lookin' around, prolly wonderin' if he wuz gonna' have'ta call Security ta' get this loon outta' his face.

Jus' ta' reassure him and calm him down, I said, "Hey dude, it's no big deal, OK! Have a nice weekend."
and I walked off, prolly leavin' him wonderin' bout that "have a nice weekend" bit, y'know, today bein' Tuesday and all.

"Inkless ink pad!" SHEEIT! Whut bullshit!! Thas' kinda like this bottle of Aunt Jemimah syrup I have. It says in bright, bold, yellow letters,

"BUTTER RICH syrup, Natural Butter Flavor, with other natural flavors, contains no butter"

Say whut? "Contains no butter"?! How can it have "natural butter flavor" if it doesn't contain any fuckin' butter?

Man, these peoples and their bullshit.

Oh, and check this out. I always get a kick outta' readin' th' labels on, say, fr'instance, Grandma Molly's Chocolate Chip Cookies.

"Made with Grandma's Secret Recipe."

Ha ha. Sheeit. No way ya' could duplicate Grandma's "recipe" unless ya' had access ta' a fully equipped laboratory. This is not somthin' ya' could whip up in an ordinary, run-o-th'-mill kitchen!! This is why, when referrin' ta' various culinary projects of my own, I always use th' phrase, "Lab/kitchen", cuz lotsa' my stuff can't be done in no ordinary kitchen either.

th' cap'm

Subject: A favorite Bushism
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 1:56 PM

I saw this in today's paper. This is pretty amusing. This blogger wrote, in connection with th' terrorist bombings in Egypt.

"We understand why they did it. It's because they hate Egyptian Freedoms."

Ha ha. Yeah, right on. I thought that wuz good fer a chuckle.

th' cap't

Subject: Interesting little bit of movie trivia.
Sunday, July 24, 2005 7:32 PM
From th' Hoohah files:

During th' shooting of Midnight Cowboy, th' director had gotten permission to seal off a street in New York for a scene. This caused some pandemonium and turmoil for some peoples who got unexpectedly caught up in it.

One cab driver in particular, got so mad, he said, "Th' hell with it" and in anger and frustration, drove right around a barrier they had set up. Sheeit. He couldn't afford to sit around fer who knows how long!

Not having any idea of whut wuz goin' on, he drove right inta a scene where Dustin Hoffman and John Voight were crossin' a street and almost ran right into Hoffman, whose character, Ratso, without skippin' a beat, pounded on his hood and screamed, "Hey, I'm walkin' here. I'm walkin' here!"

You remember that scene of course. It has gone on to become one of those memorable scenes in movie history, but wuz completely unplanned.

So, there ya' have it boyz and gurlz. Now, go forth and multiply.

th' cap't

Subject: Th' Mind works in mysterious ways sometimes, don't it?
Saturday, July 23, 2005 2:32 PM

During th' past week or so I have been mullin' over a moral dilemma. I wuz vacillatin' from one point of view ta th' other over th' issue in my mind. Yeah, maybe this? Yeah, maybe that? Y'know how it goes.

Then, last night I dreamed I wuz sleepin' and woke up when I realized that somethin' wuz crawlin' on my chest. I immediately grabbed it with my right hand. Turns out; it was my left hand!!!! My right hand and left hand proceeded ta' engage in a very lively and spirited wrestlin' match. I wuz unable to stop or control them in any way. I watched in horror/fascination as th' battle raged back and forth across my chest, helpless ta' do anything about it one way or th' other. Then I woke up, For Real, this time.

I don't know who won. I suppose it wuz a symbolic re-creation of th' mental gymnastics that had been goin' on in my mind during th' preceding days.

Weird, eh?

th' cap't

P.S. Whut about you boyz and gurlz? Do ya' have weird dreams too?

Subject: Th' Cap'ts Prejudice Revealed, (once again)
Saturday, July 23, 2005 2:17 PM

Old babble from the past. By way of expiation, one must keep in mind that my attitude towards these peoples was hugely influenced by ten years of dealing with them while driving my cab. You might notice from recent ramblings that my attitude has not softened one bit tho in my retirement.

Fri., Oct 6, 2000, 8:31 p.m.

Well, I suppose it's time I come clean; I'm prejudiced. I never really liked to think of myself that way, but, there it is. I have always considered myself a person with an open mind, willing to try and see others views, but I'm not willing to any more!

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and I'm tired of always giving in. Basta! The peoples I'm referring to can be found in your welfare lines in greater proportions than the rest of us. While I don't have the statistics right here I'm sure that you would find teenage pregnancy rates way out of line here, compared to the rest of the population. Ditto crime rates. I'm sure many of these peoples are on crack. And in spite of their own actions, always blaming everything on us, never taking responsibility for anything.
What I'm rappin' about here folks are:


Thas' right! I don't like em'! And I admit it. I think they must come from the same gene pool as BICYCLISTS and Cell Phone Abusers. Yeah, I know, I know. Some of my best friends are Pedestrians too, and I'll admit, aren't bad people. One on one, you can deal with them; but you get a bunch of them together and the mob mentality takes over. Now, you got problems. Try driving thru an intersection full of these critters in the Plaza. You're forced to just Bogart your way thru and try and not run over any one in the process.

One of the things I liked about Costa Rica was there; the Vehicle is King. The vehicle has the Right of Way. If you're a pedestrian, get the fuck out of the way!!! If you are stupid enough to get run over, your survivors will prolly have to pay for the damage your body did to the poor motorists car. And I'm not smokin' you either!

When you cross a street there, your adrenaline gets to pumping, all of your senses are heightened. You can see clearer, hear sharper, even smell things you never noticed before. You check in all directions to make sure the coast is clear.

If you're smart, you check again. If there are no cars within one block of you, you get down into a three point stance, take a deep breath while counting to three, (certain bold risk takers only use a two count) and at the count of three, you Launch yourself away from the curb and hurtle your body to the other side of the street. Often times peoples there will pat you on the back and compliment you on your style. And there is much rejoicing on your successful journey.

You take your average Amerikan Pedestrian and put them in the middle of San Jose, CR and their average lifespan would be about twenty-three seconds.

Yeah, and listen here, have you heard one single word from either Bush or Gore on this Pedestrian issue? Nah! They talk about crap like the budget, and health care and the educational system and blah, blah, blah, and not one utterance from either one of them on this critically important aspect of our lives. It's like a non-issue with them.

Well personally I have a solution..... nothing complicated........ one word......... STERILIZATION.
In just one generation the problem would be nothing but a bad memory. So remember this the next time some asshole pedestrian darts out in front of you:


the capt.

Subject: Motorists vs Bicyclists
Monday, July 18, 2005 5:42 PM

As ya' know, I'm sure, I am a die hard Motorist. I shed my bicycle in th' ninth grade when I realised th' gurls preferred dudes who owned cars instead of Schwinns. I have never ridden a bicycle since! Not even as part of some drunken escapde.

Hiways and roadways, streets and boulevards, avenues and lanes, etc. etc. were designed fer cars to drive on. Not cars and slow movin' bicycles. In Europe, they manage ta' co-exist; they're not in competition, but this is not Europe if ya' haven't noticed. Here, when cars and bikes mix, th' bikes lose!!

Actually th' truth of th' matter is; in a better world, it would be a good thing fer our Society, fer Humans, and Mother Earth in general, fer too many reasons ta' mention here, if combustion engines were banned all together fer use in transportation, with th' exception of course, of Rich peoples, Corporate types and Government officials. (sounds kinda redundant, don't it?)

They would be allowed ta' drive SUV's with specially modified front ends fer drivin' thru heavy traffic so as not ta' have'ta' slow down fer slow movin' Proles on their bicycles.

But, it's not a perfect world, and thas' not gonna happen. So, until such time as our government sends bicyclists ta' re-education camps, modeled along th' lines of Pol Pot's camps in Cambodia, this problem is gonna' persist.

Until then tho, can't we all jus' get along?! I would be willin' ta' sit down and smoke a Peace Pipe with reps of th' bike faction, provided of course we're gonna smoke somthin' worth while!!

th' cap't

P.S. A buddy of mine who lives in Alaska wrote me a while back that they didn't have a problem there with cars and bikes. Well sheeit, they got whut? 600-700,000 peoples spread out in a state bigger than Texas?

Subject: Joggers and their watches.
Monday, July 18, 2005 1:48 PM

I have had several well meaning, but obviously mislead peoples, try and tell me that those devices those jogger peoples carry on their wrists are not watches at all; but rather ta' hip 'em of their pulse rate so they know they're gettin' th' cardiovascular benefits they're aiming fer.

Yeah, sure!

And next they'll prolly tell me they're listenin' ta' music or somthin' thru those devices they've got strapped around their waists connected ta' th' headphones they're wearin', when I know they're bein' programmed from th' Mothership! Jus' remember this, boyz and gurlz:

Jogger peoples' = 'Pod peoples'

And treat 'em accordingly, y'know, jus' like Humans treat any species we don't have any use fer! I'm gonna' use th' "E" word here; Extinction!!

th' cap't

Subject: Iraqi Insurgency; All Gone!!
Sunday, July 17, 2005 5:24 PM

I'm sure ya' recall th' words of our vice president, who I jus' refer ta' as "SUPER ASSHOLE". Dick Cheney jus' assured us a couple of weeks ago that th' insurgency in Iraq wuz in his words, "in it's last throes"

Oh my!! I'm sure that th' hundreds of dead peoples, blown up by suicide bombers in th' past week, mostly Iraqi's, would have been comforted by those words, if they had only lived!

Every single day, another explosion. 38 killed, 52 killed, over a hundred killed, on and on and on, and fucking idiots like him look right into th' camera and tell us th' insurgency "is in it's last throes".

And then, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! and more BOOMS.

It jus' makes ya' wanta' throw somthin' thru yer TV outta' Frustration and Anger, don't it? But don't get discouraged tho boyz and gurlz, cuz in th' end, every things gonna' be OK. It's hard work!! but all we gotta' do is; stay th' course! It's that simple!!

th cap't

Subject: Joggers and "TIME" Whas' up wit dat?
Sunday, July 17, 2005 4:56 PM

Say, whut is it with these joggers and time anyway? They all wear these huge, giant watches strapped ta' their wrists and they're constantly checkin' ta' see whut time it is. Whut; are they late fer an appointment or somthin'?

Sheeit, if they're in such a big fuckin' hurry, why don't they jus' get in their cars and drive where they wanna' go instead of runnin'. It'd be a damn sight faster wouldn't it! Well, as I've said before; who can comprehend such critters; runnin' around in th' heat and

Obviously their brains have been fried!

th' cap'm

P.S. I read in th' paper where peoples in Olathe have finally gotten fed up and are not gonna' take it any more!!

I'm tellin' ya, they're gettin' serious out there!! Jus' in th' last week, two bicyclists have been knocked ta' th' ground, one fatally so. I would suggest if yer a bicyclist, ya' take a detour around Olathe. They don't take kindly ta' yer kind around those parts.

Subject: Trailer Trash
Sunday, July 17, 2005 4:34 PM

Yesterday, at th' turn-off to Harrah's casino, I saw a young, fat white gurl standin' on th' corner hlodin' a sign that said,


I jus' don't know whut ta' say 'bout that? ..cept' maybe...
how sad!.........
how pathetic....
how fuckin' absurd!!

A sign of th' times I spose.

th' cap'm

P.S. A few weeks ago I saw a dude standin' down at 6th and Broadway and his sign read,


A needy person indeed! Ha ha

I saw another dude at that same place who I gave a buck ta' just for his honesty. His sign read,


Subject: "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop."
Friday, July 15, 2005 4:31 PM

OK boyz and gurlz, here's a project ya' can do ta' keep yerself busy and avoid th' nasty clutches of that mean ol' Lucifer.

As soon as Ms. Stewart, my consultant is available, I am gonna' teach ya' how ta' make a treehouse, usin' nothin' more than yer discarded after dinner tooth picks. And not jus' any tree house mind you, but one complete with a hot tub on th' veranda no less. So, stick with me, OK.

th' cap'm

P.S. By th' way, I happen ta' overhear some one last night refer to Lucy Goosey. I have no idea why any one would be talkin' bout her, but I jus' caught her name in th' middle of all th' noise and clamor about me. Lucy Goosey? Is that right? Huh? I thought it wuz Goosey Lucy? I have mentioned Goosey Lucy several times in th' past years and have never had anyone correct me, unlike my former mistaken belief that Chicken Little wuz a guy. Several peoples hipped me ta' that gaffe. I don't know where I got such an erroneous impression, cus a little commonsense oughta' tell ya' that it wuz a gurl, right? Y'know, I mean, th' way she wuz runnin' around and squawkin' and carryin' on and stuff. Mea Culpa. I don't know how I misconstrued that.

Subject: It was the best of timers; it was the worst of times 2/21/01
Friday, July 15, 2005 4:04 PM

I wrote th' following back in Feb. 2001, jus' about six months before 9/11. I'd like to ask these friends today if they still feel th' same as then.

It's all in the eye of the beholder, y' know whut i mean?! jus last night i was rappin with a couple i have known for many years who are about my age (old geezers). I was lamenting the times we live in, while they were of the opinion that we are living in some kind of 'GOLDEN AGE'.

"Golden age, my ass'" I said, "whut, are you kidding?"

To me, it seems like there's nothing but strife, injustice, barbarism and chaos all about us. (Remember that injustice part) I pointed out to them the ongoing troubles in n. Ireland, the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans, the seemingly eternal hatred in the Middle East between the Jews and Arabs, BOOM, BOOM, Saddam Hussein and his posse, India and Pakistan rattling their nuclear sabres at each other keeping the rest of us up at nights with their clatter, the Korean peninsula, the four horsemen pretty much declaring most of Africa as their turf, Sikhs and Moslems in India hacking at each other with their machetes, Russia on the verge of collapse, the depletion of our natural resources, aids running rampant, global warming, the ozone hole, genetic engineering. clones, berserk kids, 'reality tv', the Mcdonalization of the world, downsizing, energy crisis, cell phone abusers, pedestrians and joggers and recreational walkers and runners, the ever increasing price of booze and cigarettes, the absurd futile efforts to regulate our dope intake, left-wing guerrilla wars in Latin America, right-wing dictatorships, neo-Nazis in Germany, we got two million peoples incarcerated in this country, most as a result of the absolutely fucking absurd War On Drugs. These self righteous hypocritical assholes talk about the Drug Problem, pausing just long enough to gobble down their daily dose of Prozac, lithium, Xanax, whatever, that they got from their doctor. "a drug free amerika" sheeit, more like it oughta be, "a free drug amerika".

Well, I went on and on as one could easily do, getting pretty worked up, giving one example after another, illustrating the meanness of the times, trying all the time to keep my shrieking down and the spittle from flying and i finally said to them,

"And you know whut? none of that shit really matters. It has nothing to do with me, whut really pisses me off....fuck all that other shit, whut really pisses me off is that fucking 243 dollar illegal left turn fine I got last week. Oh, the injustice of it all!! That's whut pisses me off! So, tell me about whut great times we live in, huh! whut's so fucking “golden” ‘bout that, huh??"

And of course they had no answer for that!!

the capt.

P.S. 7/15/05 we are some four and a half years later, and I guess they were right at th' time, cuz that actually wuz a "Golden Age" in spite of all th' examples I mentioned ta' th' contrary. I jus' didn't know at th' time, that six and a half months later, everything would change and nothing would ever be th' same again.

Subject: A lean too far!
Friday, July 15, 2005 3:32 PM

About 3:30 of this past Wednesday AM kind of morning, I was shutting various systems down here in the crib, getting ready to crash for the night (at the time I wasn't fully aware of the implications of the word "crash") and my last project involved leaning over a table to unscrew the light bulb of a lamp that lived there, and guess what? I leaned too far.


I caught the lamp as I fell, bouncing off the edge of the table and twisted myself so as to land on my back on the floor. And so now, I was wedged between my sofa and the wall, with the still lit lamp on my chest. I was so tightly wedged there as to be unable to put my hands down and push myself back up. It was a perplexing problem.

Finally, after some minutes, I had to laugh out loud, because this was a classic example of the, "Help. I've fallen down and I can't get up syndrome.” Movement was hampered by the lamp and after squirming and wiggling around for a while, I realised I had to get rid of I flung it away breaking it, and at the same time plunging myself into total black darkness.

In spite of freeing me up somewhat, I kinda wished I hadn't done that, y'know whut I mean? Cuz now I couldn't see shit. Well, after some time, moving inch by inch I was able to turn myself over on to my stomach and then was able to push myself on to my hands and knees and from there was finally able to launch myself upright, where the scene being totally dark and somewhat disoriented, I promptly fell once again. Fortunately this time I landed on my sofa, which was a much softer landing than the previous one. I lay there and thought to myself,

"Hmmmmm...this getting to bed seems to be unusually difficult tonight."

And so elected to remain right there until the ALL CLEAR sounded, which was around noonish. I woke up and looked around and my first thought, looking at the state of disarray around me and the gashes on my arm, and bruises on my ribs and legs and the bump on my head was that I had been burgled and assaulted.....but then it all came back to me. It was all due to that miserable fucking lamp! I picked it up and angrily threw it in the trash for causing me so much trouble. Normally I don't "go off" on inanimate objects, but this was too much!

And as I tossed it in the trash I said,


the capt.

Subject: "War of the Worlds", Alien invasion movie. Joggers: Alien species?
Friday, July 8, 2005 6:21 PM

Earlier this afternoon I went and saw this movie. I seldom go ta' th' theatre, but normally wait fer th' video release, or more usually, until th' library gets a copy, but in this case, my curiosity got th' better of me.

I saw an earlier version of War of the Worlds one night back in 1953 when I wuz 12 years old and living on Okinawa. It wuz a good movie, especially fer its time. Afterward, my buddy and I had to walk down a deserted road about ten o'clock at nite, for about a mile and a half, and it was a pretty scary walk, I can tell ya'! We kept a mighty close lookout in the sky, expectin' ta' see alien machines at any minute.

This new version tho is excellent and takes th' genre ta' a whole other level!! It's jus' unbelievable whut they can do with special effects these days. It wuz spectacular!! Ya' watch it and ya' go,

"How in th' fuck did they DO that?"

Y'know whut I mean! Fortunately I saw this one in the afternoon, and so didn't have a scary walk home, but I did glance out th' window a couple of times.

Tom Cruise wuz good too, and I hate Tom Cruise. They oughta' keep that whack-job locked up some place and only let him out occasionally ta' do a movie. Well, anyway, if ya' get a chance, check it out. I think ya'll like it.

On th' way home I wuz drivin' by Loose Park and I saw this would-be jogger. He wuz wearin' th' standard jogging outfit; y'know, all color co-ordinated and everything. He had all kindsa' devices strapped ta' his arms and waist. I wuz wonderin' th' purpose of all that gear and then I saw him do a very strange thing.

He walked over ta' this metal light pole, put his legs out behind him and leaned into th' pole and started pushin'!! haha Whut th' fu....? Confused by his perplexin' behavior, I couldn't help resisting yelling at him,


And this mook gives ME a dirty look, like, I wuz th' NUTFUCK? I mean, HE wuz th' one tryin' ta' shove a metal light pole over!! Whyz'ee lookin' at me like that? And why wuz he tryin' ta' vandalise th' park before his run? Who can figure out such critters, eh? Those joggers! Whut planet are they from?

Ha ha

th' cap'm

Subject: From a reservist in Iraq
Monday, July 4, 2005 12:13 AM


Here is a good one from Dale Williams that ought to wake every one up. Send a copy of this to your sons and daughters and your grandchildren so that they might have the same opportunity the rest of the real world is having and not knowing it............YFFL, Paul

(I'm not sure jus' whut the fuck that means. whut opportunity is it “that the rest of the REAL world is having and not knowing it?”)

The below article came from th' Wall Street Journal.

On Friday, we noted that a score of Ohio University students and others had staged a "die-in" to protest the liberation of Iraq. The Post, the student newspaper, carried a letter from Marc Fencil, a senior who is also a Marine currently stationed in Iraq, that is so excellent we reprint it in full: (from a reservist in Iraq)

"It's a shame that I'm here in Iraq with the Marines right now and not back at Ohio University completing my senior year

(thas' whut ya' get fer voluntarily joinin' th' reserves ya' dumb shit!)

and joining in blissful ignorance with the enlightened, war-seasoned protesters who participated in the recent "die-in" at College Gate.

It would appear that all the action is back home, but why don't we make sure? That's right, this is an open invitation for you to cut your hair, take a shower,

('take a shower', a little dig since everyone knows that war protestors are always unkempt and dirty ruffians)

get in shape and come on over! If Michael Moore can shave and lose enough weight to fit into a pair of camouflage utilities, then he can come too!

Make sure you all say your goodbyes to your loved ones though, because you won't be seeing them for at least the next nine months. You need to get here quick because I don't want you to miss a thing. You missed last month's discovery of a basement full of suicide vests from the former regime; I'm sure Saddam's henchmen just wore them because they were trendy though.

You weren't here for the opening of a brand new school we built either.

(he doesn't mention the reason they're building a brand new school is cuz we blew th' other one ta' smithereens. only got two thousand more ta' go and then we'll be even)

You might also notice women exercising their new freedom of walking to the market unaccompanied by their husbands. (if they can get ta' th' market without bein' blown ta' smithereens that is)

There is a man here, we just call him al-Zarqawi, but we think he'd be delighted to sit down and give you some advice on how you can further disrespect the victims of Sept. 11 and the 1,600 of America's bravest who have laid down their lives for a safer world. Of course he'll still call you "infidel" but since you already agree that there is no real evil in the world, I see no reason for you to be afraid. Besides, didn't you say that radical Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance? (I don't think any one in their right mind ever said 'Radical Islam' is a religion of peace and tolerance, jus' like no one in their right mind ever said right-wing Christian Fundamentalism is a religion of peace and tolerance either)

I'm warning you though -it's not going to be all fun and games over here.

(oh gee, ya' mean there won't be any Red Rover, Red Rover; send stupid right over?)

You might have bad dreams for the next several nights after you zip up the body bag over a friend's disfigured face. I know you think that nothing, even a world free of terror for one's children, is worth dying for, but bear with me here. We're going to live in conditions you've never dreamt about. You should get here soon though, because the temperatures are going to be over 130 degrees very soon and we will be carrying full combat loads. When it's all over, I promise you can go back to your coffee houses and preach about social justice and peace while you continue to live outside of reality.

If you decide to decline my offer, then at least you should sleep well tonight knowing that men wearing black face masks and carrying AK-47s yelling "Allahu Akbar" over here are proud of you and are forever indebted to you for advancing their cause of terror.

(th' old rhetoric that any one who dares ta' disagree with Insane Policy is some kind of traitor. Never, ever tell th' Emperor that not only is he not wearin' any clothes, but that he's fuckin' crazy as a bed bug on top of it))

While you ponder this, I'll get back to the real "die-in" over here. I don't mind.

What can we say but "Semper fi"? God Bless America, Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis, Frater Infinitas, Often Tested, Always Faithful, Brothers Forever. United States Marines

(when ya' got nothin' intelligent ta' say, fall back on cliches! That always keeps 'em guessin'!)

My reply follows (are ya' still with me?)

Date: Sun, Jul 3, 2005, 5:32pm
Fwd: REL A Marine Reservist in iraq.

Typical military bullshit rhetoric! Thas' all I can say. Spoken like a true Automaton. Th' same kinda' crap that Vietnam vets put out about the war protestors of that time. It never ceases ta' amaze me how peoples can be so completely brainwashed, i.e. that th' war in Iraq has got anything whatsoever to do with 9/11, in spite of all the evidence against that case by non-partisan commissions tasked ta' investigate it.

It jus' goes ta' prove that if you say a lie often enuff, and loud enuff, and long enuff; peoples will believe it, regardless of the stupidity of it. Geo. Bush knows this very well! Th' war on terror and the war in Iraq are two completely different animals; got virtually nothin' ta' do with each other, but if ya' keep on tellin' peoples they do, th' mindless Amerikan public will disregard all evidence ta' th' contrary and believe it! We're kinda gullible that way. Ya' might even say, "mind-numbingly stupid".

If, in the wildest, most optimistic (and so improbable as to be almost Impossible) scenario, the US achieved everything we wanted in iraq; the war on terror will not suddenly come ta' a screechin' halt, nor will it even slacken.

If we captured bin laden tomorrow, th' war on terror would not suddenly end nor slacken one iota either.

I suppose those peoples who are over there riskin' their lives daily have to believe that bullshit tho, cuz otherwise they would realize they're nothin' but pawns and cannon fodder fer a politician's whims. That would be Geo. Bush once again.

Do we never learn from our previous mistakes, a la Santayana? We went to Vietnam allegedly ta' to preserve Democracy and Freedom. Did'ja know that there wuzn't even word in Vietnamese for th' word, "freedom"? Prolly not one fer Democracy either, but who's countin'? Almost 59,000 Americans paid with their lives, a couple hundred thousand wounded physically, and who has any idea of th' mental damage inflicted on th' rest of th' survivors? Th' result of our War ta' preserve Freedom and Democracy: Th' Peoples Republic of Vietnam is a Communist country today!!! Damn, don't ya' hate it when that happens!! Jeeeze, after all that time and effort too. And jus' whut did those sacrifices accomplish?

Absolutely NADA amigos! In other words; NADA FUCKIN' THING!!

And now, who knows how many American lives will be lost in Iraq before it's over? My bet is that we will eventually leave Iraq ta' th' Iraqis ta handle, in th' same way we left Vietnamization ta' th' S.Vietnamese, and within months after our pullout, th' insurgents will prevail and Iraq will become an Islamic Fundamentalist Theocracy, much like Iran! Mission NOT accomplished!!! An end result jus' like Vietnam.

If ever an Amerikan president deserved Impeachment, Geo. Bush should win, hands down, no contest! Bill Clinton's little transgression of lying about Monika pale in comparison to Bush's Big Lie about Iraq and it's Weapons of Mass Destruction! He led us into a blind alley and took us into an unwinable war over his lies, in spite of world wide opinion, even from our closest allies, with th' exception of th' Brit toadies. He and his cronies told us, ad infinitum, how they DID have those WMDs; but we jus' haven't found 'em yet. After all, Iraq wuz a big country they told us.

And now that we know better, now they try to make it sound like that wuz never really important anyway; that th 'cause' wuz actually about bringin' Freedom and Democracy ta' th' Iraqi peoples and deposin' a tyrant. They tell us how th' world is now a safer place as a result of our actions. Yeah right, try tellin' that ta' th' Iraqis gettin' blown up every day.

And peoples like this reservist buy into th' Lie, "hook, line and sinker". Pathetic is th' first word that comes to my mind. Bush is like some Fundamentalist Preacher goin' about tryin' to convert th' "unsaved", not to god, but to Democracy and Capitalism. And specially, heavy on th' Capitalism part!

Well, anyway, that wuz my reply.

th' cap'm

Subject: "No problem", some more
Saturday, July 2, 2005 3:29 PM

Last night this gurl came up ta' th' bar and ordered some drinks.She asked th' barmaid whut her name wuz and th' barmaid told her and she said,

"OMIGOD! What a great name. I just LOVE that!"

And th' barmaid said,


And th' gurl chirped,

"Hey, no problem!"

Ha ha. Ah, youth!

th' cap'm

Subject: Do you think God ever changes his mind?
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 7:08 PM


Subject: Th' Injustice jus' don't stop!
Monday, June 27, 2005 6:07 PM

Every time I see that Cleveland Indians logo, I can't believe they are still allowed ta' use that blatantly racist image as a symbol of their baseball team. Look at it! Ya' got a big, red-skinned, gap-toothed, shit-eatin grin on 'im, with a cartoonish face, with big bulgin' eyes and a feather on th' back of his head, Lookit th' expression on his face!! And Man, those teeth would do a beaver proud. And this is supposed ta' be an American Indian?

And these Washington Redskins? Say whut!! Th' Redskins!! Peoples in Cleveland and Washington say they don't know whut th' fuss is all about? That there's nothin' derogatory in their name and logo. That it's all jus' in fun. That th' Injuns actually like it, y'know, like, th' slaves; a lot of 'em actually liked that too, cuz everything wuz provided fer 'em. Well, at least a lotta' th' crackers said so anyway.

Think of Washington, our Nation's Capitol and Symbol of Freedom, Democracy, and Equality, (god it wuz hard ta' write that with a straight face) I think they oughta' give up th' rights ta' their Redskins name and donate it ta' th' Cleveland Indians. I think th' Cleveland Redskins would be more in keepin' with their logo. All in good-natured fun of course.

Well sure! Th' same way if ya' had a big-lipped, flat nosed, cannibal-like, black Sambo, as th' logo fer th' Detroit Darkies! How do ya' think that would go over in th' African-American community? Not so good, I venture. Could ya' even imagine such a thing? I don't hardly think so!!

Or maybe, how bout a fat Mexican Gordo, with a big droopin' mustache, with a big sombrero, propped up and sleepin' against a cactus, with an empty bottle of tequila in his hand? That'd make a great logo fer th' San Diego Wetbacks, don'cha think?

Whut about th' Atlanta Rednecks? With a blond, tow-haired, freckled-faced, gap-toothed freak with a grass stem hangin' outta' his slack-jawed mouth? All in good natured fun of course.

Whut about th' New Yawk Spics?
Th' Boston Micks?
Th' Arizona Chili-Shitters?
Th' San Francisco Pinkies?
Th' Chicago Wops?
Th' Miami Greasers?
Th' San Antonio Beaners?

Well, ya' could go on and on, y'know. Go ahead boyz and gurlz; make uo yer own names and logos fer yer favotite team!

But do ya' suppose anyone would have any kind of objections ta' those scenarios? Well, of couse!! I mean, even th' suggestion is sooo outrageous as ta' be absurd. Right! And yet...........and yet,.....we have th' Cleveland Indians and th' Washington Redskins, and, like,

"Ho hum!"

Man, If I wuz a Native/American I would be screamin' and yellin' my head off about this, until some body finally did somthin' about it, or until hell froze over; which ever came first. I'm thinkin' th' latter, rather than th' former, would be th' more likely outcome.

th cap'm

Subject: "NO PROBLEM", th' expression
Monday, June 27, 2005 2:44 PM

Th' following below happened four years ago. This expression wuz in it's infancy then, explainin' my over-reaction to it at th' time I suppose. I don't mean, it hadn't been around fer a long time; jus' not in th' context it wuz used then and today. Of course today, it's usage is widespread and ubiquitous. You'll hear it daily and frequently. It's still jarring ta' me tho. I still haven't gotten completely used ta' it. No one sez 'Thank you' or "You're welcome", any more! "No problem has effectively replaced them both. And it's used in so many other different ways too, like, fr'instance, if ya' say ta' some one,

"Hey, it's good ta' see ya' again."

Their response could easily be,

"Hey, no problem."

When some one hands ya' yer food order and ya' say, "thanks", they say, "No problem".

When YOU hand some one their food order and ya' say, "Burger and fries, Here ya' go. Thanks for coming in."

They go, "No problem."

You can now use this phrase in just about any kind of situation that requires some kind of response from you.

Th' expression went from one where ya' employed it ta' let some one know that even tho ya' were takin' extra measures on yer part ta' help them in some way, it was OK, cuz ya' didn't mind goin' th' extra distance. Today it simply means,

"I see you and hear you!"
July 2001, a true life story from th' files

Last night I was trying to order a beer. There were only 5 or 6 peoples sitting there at the time, so they weren't busy at all. The bartender was engaged in a conversation, you see, down at the other end of the bar. Finally I got his attention. I said,

"Hey yo, Jack, give me another beer will'ya?"

He noticed me gesturing in his direction and he came on down and said,

"Whadda'ya' need, Charlie?"

and I said, "Gimme another beer!"

and he said, "No problem."

and I said.


and he said, "No problem." once again.

And I got a bit animated here and said,

"WHAT??? Are you sure it's not a problem for you to get me a beer?? Well gee, thanks, I'm rilly glad to hear that....y'know, that it won't be a problem for you....but I mean...... isn't that what you do? Isn't that why this place is here? Peoples come in.... they give you give them a drink. Right?! So.... you're just trying to re-assure me then, huh, that you don't have a problem giving me a beer? Well fucking thanks! Thanks a lot!! I feel a lot better knowin I'm not causing you any problems here."
and Jack, taken aback a bit at my outburst said,

"Hey, what's the matter with you tonight Charley?"

and I said, "Hey, NO PROBLEM. OK!!"

So...later on in the evening I go to my late hours place and I said,

"Hey Susie, gimme a beer will ya?"

and Susie said,

"Not a problem."

I groaned. Sheeit! Once again, I wasn't causing anyone any problems in spending my money. Man!.That makes ya' feel good, doesn't it!? You know, there was a time in the service industry when you ordered something...a drink, a hamburger, y'know, something or other and the person waiting on you would say, "'OK'.....or, "sure thing"...or, "coming right up" or some other affirmative response, anything to give you the impression they liked and appreciated yer bizness...NOW...they just tell you it won't be a problem. Sheeeit.

the capt.


Well, like I said, that wuz four years ago and today, like it or not, I have had ta' accept and ignore th' implications of whut it actually means, as compared ta' th' common, ordinary way it is currently employed by this, whut I affectionately refer ta' as, Th' Dumbed-Down-Generation.

It also useta' piss me off when I'd be relatin' some story and my listener would say, "GET OUT!" as tho I'd been bullshittin' 'em! And I'd say,

"Hey Fuck You!! Thas exactly th' way it happened!! Whadda'ya think, I jus' make up these stories fer shits and grins?"

Or else, when I'm rappin' and th' listener sez,


And then I go,

"Hey, FUCK YOU! awright!!"

and I'm surprised when they're surprised at my vehement response!! Cuz I'm thinkin; who in th' fuck are you ta' tell me ta' shut up? And they're sayin,

"Hey Charlie; Chill. It's just an expression! OK? I wuzn't tellin' ya' ta' shut up!"

And I'm goin, "Well, it sure as hell sounded like thas' exactly whut ya' jus' said ta' me!"

It took a few times like this, before I could let that slide, and not interfere with th' flow of th' tale, as ut were. Hey peoples, I'm slow, OK? but eventually I catch on.

Ya' know whut's gonna be rilly hard ta' take in th' Future? That is, when th' expression, "Fuck you!" starts ta' replace, "No problem". I mean, rilly, think about it. Ya' order yer food and when it arrives ya' say, rememberin' whut yer momma and Ms.Manners told ya',

"Thank you" or "No problem."

and they answer in return,


Or like, when ya' help an elderly lady person across th' street and ya' go,

"OK then. You all right now Mam?"

and she looks at you sweetly while her head is bobbin' around on her shoulders and sez,

"FUCK YOU young man!"

Thas' gonna' take some attitudinal adjustment, eh? Sheeit. Hey boyz and gurlz, why wait fer th' Future ta' come sneakin' and slitherin' up on us? Let's start that shit right now. Let's be th' Vanguard of th' Ultra-Hip. Every time yer in a situation that calls fer a "Thank you" or a, "You're welcome", substitute a hearty, "FUCK YOU!" instead! And fer those who take offense, explain ta' them, in a condescendin' manner and tone, that YOU ARE, in fact, on th' cutting edge of Hipness; and whut th' fuck is their problem? And they might retort with a,

"No problem ese. FUCK YOU too!!"

and th' snowball begins ta' roll!


2004 Discovery Publications, Inc. 104 E. 5th St., Ste. 201, Kansas City, MO 64106
(816) 474-1516; toll free (800) 899-9730; fax (816) 474-1427

The contents of eKC are the property of Discovery Publications, Inc., and protected under Copyright.
No portion may be reproduced in whole or part by any means without the permission of the publisher. Read our Privacy Policy.