July 29, 2005
Dreck is The Captain...and he's not a Kansan.
Date: Friday, July 29, 2005 11:28 AM
Last nite I wuz sittin' there at the bar, and the barmaid, during
a lull in the music, axed me...she said,
"Cap'm, did ya' see the movie The Sixth Sense?
and I said, "Yeah."
and she crooked her finger towards me, and leaned over th' bar and
I leaned over th' bar, and she whispered in my ear,
"I SEE DRUNKS!"
she said, in this soft whispery voice,
"and they're EVERYWHERE!........... and they don't even know
Pretty fuckin' bizarre, eh?
Ah, the Innocence of Youth (or th' Stupidity, whutever)
Date: Thursday, July 28, 2005 5:44 PM
Last night this young dude wuz tellin' me about his first time out
at th' riverboat last Friday nite. He 'splained that he had never
really been much of a gambler, but a couple of his buddies, visitin'
from out of town, wanted ta' go.....so whut th' hell!
He tells me he started shootin' craps. He said he rilly
liked th' game. It wuz all about numbers. He liked that. It wuz about
math. He liked that. He's very good with numbers and math in his bank
job and with his degree in economics, ya' see.
He told me it took him a little while ta' figure th' game out...but
once he did...he started ta' win. He gleefully told me how he had
parlayed 80 bucks into 160 in only 2 1/2 hours. (WOW, huh? is this
guy a high roller, or whut!) He wanted ta' stay and keep on winnin'
but his buddies, who didn't really know how to play th' game, (some
rubes from Kansas no doubt) and had no system whut so ever, were losin'
and wanted ta' go elsewhere.
So, he told me he wuz goin' back by himself this comin' Monday nite
ta' win some more money. I told him in light of th' results of his
first foray, he oughta' consider quittin' his day job and becomin'
a professional gambler. He gave me a funny look cuz he wasn't sure
whether I wuz kiddin' him or not, (I get that a lot) and he said,
"Well, cap'm, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for that."
and I said,
"Well, Phil, mebbe not right now, but in a couple of weeks,
when ya've had a chance ta' work on and perfect yer System, ya' might
He gave me that questioning' look again and said,
"Well, I gotta go Cap'm. Wish me luck on Monday nite."
and I replied,
"Hey Phil, catch ya' later, and good luck on Monday nite."
That kid is so blessed ta' have figured out how ta' win at craps
at such a young age, huh! After only one time he's figured it out.
Now, all he's gotta do when he needs some extra cash is ta go ta th'
casino, and, voila!
See, a lotta' peoples don't realise how easy it is ta' win money
there; if you have an effective Gambling System. See, these casinos
are basically there, so that large corporations have a means ta' distribute
their excess monies ta' needy persons, such as you and me. Th' main
thing ya' gotta keep in mind is simply,
"If ya' don't play...ya' can't win!!"
OK?! or... another better way ta look at it is,
"The MORE ya' play...th' MORE ya' WIN!!"
It's that easy! So....if ya' should find yerself a bit short of cash......jus'
head ta' th' nearest casino and they will be glad fer th' opportunity
ta' give ya' as much of theirs as ya' need. Thas' whut they're there
P.S. I'm goin' to give ya'll an extremely valuable gaming tip here,
but don't tell everyone ya' know about it, OK? This is it,
and ya' can't go wrong!! TH' STARS DON'T LIE!!
Oh yeah, one other thing. In terms of yer mental attitude; don't
ever think of it as GAMBLING again. Think
GAMING. See, 'gamble'
implies RISK, whereas game implies 'FUN".
Y'know, I'm thinkin.....th' very worst thing that could happen ta' Phil would be fer him ta' actually WIN Monday nite!! Ha ha. Cuz he might jus' decide ta' quit that day job after all. Ha ha
Th' hard way.
Date: Thursday, July 28, 2005 4:46 PM
I read in th' paper today where a guy wuz arrested at a Wal-Mart
in Harrisonville for threatenin' employees with a knife after he wuz
spotted stealin' some things. He wuz charged with,
exhibiting a deadly weapon
I'm thinkin' he can prolly beat th' trespassing beef since some Wal-Mart
"greeter" prolly welcomed him as he entered th' store, so
he wuz hardly trespassing, eh!.
Now, this "stealing without consent" coulda' been easily
avoided. But th' dumb-ass perp, instead of tellin' them his intentions
and getting permission, instead chose to jus' surrepiitiously steal
stuff anyway, apparently without askin' anybody. He coulda' avoided
that whole un-pleasantness if he had simply asked somebody, like,
"Hey yo, I'm gonna be stealin' a few things here in th' next
few minutes, so if some body would jus' consent ta' that, I can jus'
get on about my bizness, know whut ahm sayin."
But, noooo.... he didn't do that. I'm afraid he's gonna' go down on that one.
So, remember that, boyz and gurlz; always get permission before ya'
steal stuff. It could save ya' a lotta' trouble.
Feedback on head scratchin'
Date: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 5:03 PM
I've had several peoples forward their theories concernin' th' head
scratchin' issue. Some note th' similarity between us and our simian
cousins. I've not heard from any Kansans tho at all.
Of course, th' average Kansan, altho still believin th' moon is made
outta' green cheese, and th' world is flat, (bein' from Kansas, not
so hard tho to see why they wouldn't think th' world wuz flat, eh.
Ha ha) would never subscribe ta' th notion that this behavior is passed
down thru evolution, (There it is.that nasty of nasty words, th' "E"
word) cus they don't come from no great steenking apes! Ya' dig! As
a matter of fact, I doubt there are many Kansans who have ever even
pondered th' question ta' begin with. They are not lollin' about th'
wheat fields spendin' any kind of time thinkin' bout this issue.
Yer normal Kansan native is a huge lumbering oaf, male/female, don't
make no difference, with a wheat stem stickin outta' their snaggled
toothed mouth, with a bit of drool hangin' off th' chin, while lookin'
fer some Inspiration in th' Good Book. Take a look at th' Members
of th' Kansas Board of Education. Need I say more?
Admittedly, there are some Kansans who do not fit this profile. We
can't stereotype a whole state jus' based on 95% of 'em, can we? Like,
I personally know some Kansans, who are good friends of mine and are
outstandin' peoples! If ya' saw 'em walkin' down th' street, ya' wouldn't
have any suspicion of their Kansan origins. They look jus' like you
and me. They could easil "pass" as regular Amerikans. Of
course these are few and far between, which is why we cherish 'em.
To be fair, I haven't heard from any one in New York, say, or Pennsylvania
about this either. I'm sure there are folks sittin' around board rooms
right now, who are not deliberating this puzzle.
Actually, it would seem that, I, th' cap't, am possibly th' onliest
one asking dumb questions such as this. hmmmm. I wonder whut th' implications
of that are?
P.S. Ta' all those Kansans who bitterly resent my exaggerated, unflattering' characterization of Kansas; all I can say is, You know where th' State line is!
There's a lesson here boyz and gurlz
Date: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 4:38 AM
OK. Think about it.
"The Ferret, eyes and nose to the ground, never hears footsteps
of the Hawk!"
Nature vs. Nurture; that is the question
Date: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 4:31 AM
Earlier today, I saw a man who had locked himself out of his car.
After several unsuccessful attempts ta' open th' door, he stood back
and looked at his car and scratched his head. When he did that I wondered
"Why did he jus' do that? Is scratchin' his head goin' to unlock
Nah, I don't think so!! So then..... why do we do that when we are
confused, perplexed, or in doubt about somthin'? Hey, I'll cop ta'
it. I've done it! So have you! We all do it. But, th' question is;
Is it a cultural thing? Somthin' that we learned? Or is it a basic
human instinct? Do all humans do it, whether they're in th' middle
of th' Amazonian rain forest, th' Russian steppes or th' NYC jungle?
Personally, I don't see how it could be an instinct, cuz it accomplishes
absolutely nothin'. Did we do that while we were swingin' thru th'
trees, or did we pick it up after we jumped down on to th' savanna?
How did scratchin' our heads when we get confused help homo sapiens
ta' survive and thrive? (We ARE thrivin' aren't we? Ha ha. I guess
one could argue that, dependin' on yer point of view)
And if none of this makes any sense ta' you, are ya' scratchin' yer head right now? It's OK ta' admit it if
P.S. Hey look, th' next time ya' see someone scratchin' their head in bewilderment, do me a favor would ya'? Jus' ask em' WHY? and lemme know whut they said. Help me shed some light on this, eh!
Song lyrics which reflect th' human condition
Date: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 2:49 AM
These are th' lyrics from a song from 1957 called, "Short Shorts"
by The Royal Teens. I think, even tho they're 48 years old they still
pretty much sums up whut Life is all about. They seem ta' me jus'
as pertinent today as they did back then. Check it out. Th' lyrics
Boys chorus: "Who wear short shorts?"
OK, I mean, whut more can ya' say? See, they jus' don't write lyrics
like that no more here in this Third Millennium do they? Jus' color
me a sentimental ol' fool, but when I read those lines, well, I get
a hankerin' fer th' good ol' days, ya' know whut ahm sayin'?
Like, at th' time, I wuz 16, a member in good standin' of "the Condors", crusin' thru th' A&W or Ruby's in San Bernardino, Calif, in my custom 50 Olds, lookin' fer some "haps." Simpler times. We didn't have'ta worry bout no terrorists back then, but still, ya' did have ta' keep a sharp lookout fer "the Strikers" or "Los Topos" cuz th' sighting of either of 'em meant instant "rumbl" cuz we didn't exactly get along
Ha ha. Ah, those were th' days my friend. Hell, we thought they'd
never end!! Th' naiveté of youth, eh!
Diggin' thru th' flotsom and jetsom ta' get ta' th' Truth.
Date: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 5:44 PM
I went ta' th' bank earlier today. I had ta' put my thumb print
on th' check I wuz cashin'. It said on th' top of th' little plastic
"INKLESS INK PAD. Press thumb blah, blah, blah......"
I asked th' dude behind th' counter how it wuz possible ta' have
an "inkless" ink pad? He didn't know whut I wuz talkin'
about. So I showed him th' message written there. I said,
"How can ya' have an "inkless" ink pad? That doesn't
make any sense, I mean, if there's no ink, how then, can it be an
He jus' shook his head in confusion. I said,
"Well, look here, if there's no ink, whut th' hell is this black
stuff all over my thumb?"
Once again, he didn't know whut ta' say. He started lookin' nervous,
started lookin' around, prolly wonderin' if he wuz gonna' have'ta
call Security ta' get this loon outta' his face.
Jus' ta' reassure him and calm him down, I said, "Hey dude,
it's no big deal, OK! Have a nice weekend."
"Inkless ink pad!" SHEEIT! Whut bullshit!! Thas' kinda
like this bottle of Aunt Jemimah syrup I have. It says in bright,
bold, yellow letters,
"BUTTER RICH syrup, Natural Butter Flavor, with other natural
flavors, contains no butter"
Say whut? "Contains no butter"?! How can it have "natural
butter flavor" if it doesn't contain any fuckin' butter?
Man, these peoples and their bullshit.
Oh, and check this out. I always get a kick outta' readin' th' labels
on, say, fr'instance, Grandma Molly's Chocolate Chip Cookies.
"Made with Grandma's Secret Recipe."
Ha ha. Sheeit. No way ya' could duplicate Grandma's "recipe"
unless ya' had access ta' a fully equipped laboratory. This is not
somthin' ya' could whip up in an ordinary, run-o-th'-mill kitchen!!
This is why, when referrin' ta' various culinary projects of my own,
I always use th' phrase, "Lab/kitchen", cuz lotsa' my stuff
can't be done in no ordinary kitchen either.
A favorite Bushism
Date: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 1:56 PM
I saw this in today's paper. This is pretty amusing. This blogger
wrote, in connection with th' terrorist bombings in Egypt.
"We understand why they did it. It's because they hate Egyptian
Ha ha. Yeah, right on. I thought that wuz good fer a chuckle.
Interesting little bit of movie trivia.
Date: Sunday, July 24, 2005 7:32 PM
|From th' Hoohah files:
During th' shooting of Midnight Cowboy, th' director had gotten
permission to seal off a street in New York for a scene. This caused
some pandemonium and turmoil for some peoples who got unexpectedly
caught up in it.
One cab driver in particular, got so mad, he said, "Th' hell
with it" and in anger and frustration, drove right around a barrier
they had set up. Sheeit. He couldn't afford to sit around fer who
knows how long!
Not having any idea of whut wuz goin' on, he drove right inta a scene
where Dustin Hoffman and John Voight were crossin' a street and almost
ran right into Hoffman, whose character, Ratso, without skippin' a
beat, pounded on his hood and screamed, "Hey, I'm walkin' here.
I'm walkin' here!"
You remember that scene of course. It has gone on to become one of
those memorable scenes in movie history, but wuz completely unplanned.
So, there ya' have it boyz and gurlz. Now, go forth and multiply.
Th' Mind works in mysterious ways sometimes, don't it?
Date: Saturday, July 23, 2005 2:32 PM
During th' past week or so I have been mullin' over a moral dilemma.
I wuz vacillatin' from one point of view ta th' other over th' issue
in my mind. Yeah, maybe this? Yeah, maybe that? Y'know how it goes.
Then, last night I dreamed I wuz sleepin' and woke up when I realized
that somethin' wuz crawlin' on my chest. I immediately grabbed it
with my right hand. Turns out; it was my left hand!!!! My right hand
and left hand proceeded ta' engage in a very lively and spirited wrestlin'
match. I wuz unable to stop or control them in any way. I watched
in horror/fascination as th' battle raged back and forth across my
chest, helpless ta' do anything about it one way or th' other. Then
I woke up, For Real, this time.
I don't know who won. I suppose it wuz a symbolic re-creation of
th' mental gymnastics that had been goin' on in my mind during th'
P.S. Whut about you boyz and gurlz? Do ya' have weird dreams too?
Th' Cap'ts Prejudice Revealed, (once again)
Date: Saturday, July 23, 2005 2:17 PM
Old babble from the past. By way of expiation, one must keep in
mind that my attitude towards these peoples was hugely influenced
by ten years of dealing with them while driving my cab. You might
notice from recent ramblings that my attitude has not softened one
bit tho in my retirement.
Fri., Oct 6, 2000, 8:31 p.m.
Well, I suppose it's time I come clean; I'm prejudiced. I never really
liked to think of myself that way, but, there it is. I have always
considered myself a person with an open mind, willing to try and see
others views, but I'm not willing to any more!
I'm tired of being taken advantage of and I'm tired of always giving
in. Basta! The peoples I'm referring to can be found in your welfare
lines in greater proportions than the rest of us. While I don't have
the statistics right here I'm sure that you would find teenage pregnancy
rates way out of line here, compared to the rest of the population.
Ditto crime rates. I'm sure many of these peoples are on crack. And
in spite of their own actions, always blaming everything on us, never
taking responsibility for anything.
Thas' right! I don't like em'! And I admit it. I think they must
come from the same gene pool as BICYCLISTS and Cell Phone Abusers.
Yeah, I know, I know. Some of my best friends are Pedestrians too,
and I'll admit, aren't bad people. One on one, you can deal with them;
but you get a bunch of them together and the mob mentality takes over.
Now, you got problems. Try driving thru an intersection full of these
critters in the Plaza. You're forced to just Bogart your way thru
and try and not run over any one in the process.
One of the things I liked about Costa Rica was there; the Vehicle
is King. The vehicle has the Right of Way. If you're a pedestrian,
get the fuck out of the way!!! If you are stupid enough to get run
over, your survivors will prolly have to pay for the damage your body
did to the poor motorists car. And I'm not smokin' you either!
When you cross a street there, your adrenaline gets to pumping, all
of your senses are heightened. You can see clearer, hear sharper,
even smell things you never noticed before. You check in all directions
to make sure the coast is clear.
If you're smart, you check again. If there are no cars within one
block of you, you get down into a three point stance, take a deep
breath while counting to three, (certain bold risk takers only use
a two count) and at the count of three, you Launch yourself away from
the curb and hurtle your body to the other side of the street. Often
times peoples there will pat you on the back and compliment you on
your style. And there is much rejoicing on your successful journey.
You take your average Amerikan Pedestrian and put them in the middle
of San Jose, CR and their average lifespan would be about twenty-three
Yeah, and listen here, have you heard one single word from either
Bush or Gore on this Pedestrian issue? Nah! They talk about crap like
the budget, and health care and the educational system and blah, blah,
blah, and not one utterance from either one of them on this critically
important aspect of our lives. It's like a non-issue with them.
Well personally I have a solution..... nothing complicated........
one word......... STERILIZATION.
STERILIZATION TODAY FOR A BETTER FUTURE TOMORROW!
Motorists vs Bicyclists
Date: Monday, July 18, 2005 5:42 PM
As ya' know, I'm sure, I am a die hard Motorist. I shed my bicycle
in th' ninth grade when I realised th' gurls preferred dudes who owned
cars instead of Schwinns. I have never ridden a bicycle since! Not
even as part of some drunken escapde.
Hiways and roadways, streets and boulevards, avenues and lanes, etc.
etc. were designed fer cars to drive on. Not cars and slow movin'
bicycles. In Europe, they manage ta' co-exist; they're not in competition,
but this is not Europe if ya' haven't noticed. Here, when cars and
bikes mix, th' bikes lose!!
Actually th' truth of th' matter is; in a better world, it would
be a good thing fer our Society, fer Humans, and Mother Earth in general,
fer too many reasons ta' mention here, if combustion engines were
banned all together fer use in transportation, with th' exception
of course, of Rich peoples, Corporate types and Government officials.
(sounds kinda redundant, don't it?)
They would be allowed ta' drive SUV's with specially modified front
ends fer drivin' thru heavy traffic so as not ta' have'ta' slow down
fer slow movin' Proles on their bicycles.
But, it's not a perfect world, and thas' not gonna happen. So, until
such time as our government sends bicyclists ta' re-education camps,
modeled along th' lines of Pol Pot's camps in Cambodia, this problem
is gonna' persist.
Until then tho, can't we all jus' get along?! I would be willin'
ta' sit down and smoke a Peace Pipe with reps of th' bike faction,
provided of course we're gonna smoke somthin' worth while!!
P.S. A buddy of mine who lives in Alaska wrote me a while back that they didn't have a problem there with cars and bikes. Well sheeit, they got whut? 600-700,000 peoples spread out in a state bigger than Texas?
Joggers and their watches.
Date: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:48 PM
I have had several well meaning, but obviously mislead peoples,
try and tell me that those devices those jogger peoples carry on their
wrists are not watches at all; but rather ta' hip 'em of their pulse
rate so they know they're gettin' th' cardiovascular benefits they're
And next they'll prolly tell me they're listenin' ta' music or somthin'
thru those devices they've got strapped around their waists connected
ta' th' headphones they're wearin', when I know they're bein' programmed
from th' Mothership! Jus' remember this, boyz and gurlz:
Jogger peoples' = 'Pod peoples'
And treat 'em accordingly, y'know, jus' like Humans treat any species
we don't have any use fer! I'm gonna' use th' "E" word here;
Iraqi Insurgency; All Gone!!
Date: Sunday, July 17, 2005 5:24 PM
I'm sure ya' recall th' words of our vice president, who I jus'
refer ta' as "SUPER ASSHOLE". Dick Cheney jus' assured us
a couple of weeks ago that th' insurgency in Iraq wuz in his words,
"in it's last throes"
Oh my!! I'm sure that th' hundreds of dead peoples, blown up by suicide
bombers in th' past week, mostly Iraqi's, would have been comforted
by those words, if they had only lived!
Every single day, another explosion. 38 killed, 52 killed, over a
hundred killed, on and on and on, and fucking idiots like him look
right into th' camera and tell us th' insurgency "is in it's
And then, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! and more BOOMS.
It jus' makes ya' wanta' throw somthin' thru yer TV outta' Frustration
and Anger, don't it? But don't get discouraged tho boyz and gurlz,
cuz in th' end, every things gonna' be OK. It's hard work!! but all
we gotta' do is; stay th' course! It's that simple!!
Joggers and "TIME" Whas' up wit dat?
Date:Sunday, July 17, 2005 4:56 PM
Say, whut is it with these joggers and time anyway? They all wear
these huge, giant watches strapped ta' their wrists and they're constantly
checkin' ta' see whut time it is. Whut; are they late fer an appointment
Sheeit, if they're in such a big fuckin' hurry, why don't they jus'
get in their cars and drive where they wanna' go instead of runnin'.
It'd be a damn sight faster wouldn't it! Well, as I've said before;
who can comprehend such critters; runnin' around in th' heat and
Obviously their brains have been fried!
P.S. I read in th' paper where peoples in Olathe have finally gotten
fed up and are not gonna' take it any more!!
I'm tellin' ya, they're gettin' serious out there!! Jus' in th' last week, two bicyclists have been knocked ta' th' ground, one fatally so. I would suggest if yer a bicyclist, ya' take a detour around Olathe. They don't take kindly ta' yer kind around those parts.
Date: Sunday, July 17, 2005 4:34 PM
Yesterday, at th' turn-off to Harrah's casino, I saw a young, fat
white gurl standin' on th' corner hlodin' a sign that said,
"PREGNANT! WON'T YOU PLEASE HELP! GOD BLESS"
I jus' don't know whut ta' say 'bout that? ..cept' maybe...
A sign of th' times I spose.
P.S. A few weeks ago I saw a dude standin' down at 6th and Broadway
and his sign read,
"NEED COLOSTOMY BAGS. PLEASE HELP"
A needy person indeed! Ha ha
I saw another dude at that same place who I gave a buck ta' just
for his honesty. His sign read,
WHY BULLSHIT? I NEED MONEY FOR BOOZE!
"Idle hands are the Devil's workshop."
Date: Friday, July 15, 2005 4:31 PM
OK boyz and gurlz, here's a project ya' can do ta' keep yerself
busy and avoid th' nasty clutches of that mean ol' Lucifer.
As soon as Ms. Stewart, my consultant is available, I am gonna' teach
ya' how ta' make a treehouse, usin' nothin' more than yer discarded
after dinner tooth picks. And not jus' any tree house mind you, but
one complete with a hot tub on th' veranda no less. So, stick with
P.S. By th' way, I happen ta' overhear some one last night refer to Lucy Goosey. I have no idea why any one would be talkin' bout her, but I jus' caught her name in th' middle of all th' noise and clamor about me. Lucy Goosey? Is that right? Huh? I thought it wuz Goosey Lucy? I have mentioned Goosey Lucy several times in th' past years and have never had anyone correct me, unlike my former mistaken belief that Chicken Little wuz a guy. Several peoples hipped me ta' that gaffe. I don't know where I got such an erroneous impression, cus a little commonsense oughta' tell ya' that it wuz a gurl, right? Y'know, I mean, th' way she wuz runnin' around and squawkin' and carryin' on and stuff. Mea Culpa. I don't know how I misconstrued that.
It was the best of timers; it was the worst of times 2/21/01
Date: Friday, July 15, 2005 4:04 PM
I wrote th' following back in Feb. 2001, jus' about six months before
9/11. I'd like to ask these friends today if they still feel th' same
It's all in the eye of the beholder, y' know whut i mean?! jus last
night i was rappin with a couple i have known for many years who are
about my age (old geezers). I was lamenting the times we live in,
while they were of the opinion that we are living in some kind of
"Golden age, my ass'" I said, "whut, are you kidding?"
To me, it seems like there's nothing but strife, injustice, barbarism
and chaos all about us. (Remember that injustice part) I pointed out
to them the ongoing troubles in n. Ireland, the ethnic cleansing in
the Balkans, the seemingly eternal hatred in the Middle East between
the Jews and Arabs, BOOM, BOOM, Saddam Hussein and his posse, India
and Pakistan rattling their nuclear sabres at each other keeping the
rest of us up at nights with their clatter, the Korean peninsula,
the four horsemen pretty much declaring most of Africa as their turf,
Sikhs and Moslems in India hacking at each other with their machetes,
Russia on the verge of collapse, the depletion of our natural resources,
aids running rampant, global warming, the ozone hole, genetic engineering.
clones, berserk kids, 'reality tv', the Mcdonalization of the world,
downsizing, energy crisis, cell phone abusers, pedestrians and joggers
and recreational walkers and runners, the ever increasing price of
booze and cigarettes, the absurd futile efforts to regulate our dope
intake, left-wing guerrilla wars in Latin America, right-wing dictatorships,
neo-Nazis in Germany, we got two million peoples incarcerated in this
country, most as a result of the absolutely fucking absurd War On
Drugs. These self righteous hypocritical assholes talk about the Drug
Problem, pausing just long enough to gobble down their daily dose
of Prozac, lithium, Xanax, whatever, that they got from their doctor.
"a drug free amerika" sheeit, more like it oughta be, "a
free drug amerika".
Well, I went on and on as one could easily do, getting pretty worked
up, giving one example after another, illustrating the meanness of
the times, trying all the time to keep my shrieking down and the spittle
from flying and i finally said to them,
"And you know whut? none of that shit really matters. It has
nothing to do with me, whut really pisses me off....fuck all that
other shit, whut really pisses me off is that fucking 243 dollar illegal
left turn fine I got last week. Oh, the injustice of it all!! That's
whut pisses me off! So, tell me about whut great times we live in,
huh! whut's so fucking golden bout that, huh??"
And of course they had no answer for that!!
P.S. 7/15/05 So....here we are some four and a half years later, and I guess they were right at th' time, cuz that actually wuz a "Golden Age" in spite of all th' examples I mentioned ta' th' contrary. I jus' didn't know at th' time, that six and a half months later, everything would change and nothing would ever be th' same again.
A lean too far!
Date: Friday, July 15, 2005 3:32 PM
About 3:30 of this past Wednesday AM kind of morning, I was shutting
various systems down here in the crib, getting ready to crash for
the night (at the time I wasn't fully aware of the implications of
the word "crash") and my last project involved leaning over
a table to unscrew the light bulb of a lamp that lived there, and
guess what? I leaned too far.
CRASH! BLAM! THUMP!
I caught the lamp as I fell, bouncing off the edge of the table and
twisted myself so as to land on my back on the floor. And so now,
I was wedged between my sofa and the wall, with the still lit lamp
on my chest. I was so tightly wedged there as to be unable to put
my hands down and push myself back up. It was a perplexing problem.
Finally, after some minutes, I had to laugh out loud, because this
was a classic example of the, "Help. I've fallen down and I can't
get up syndrome. Movement was hampered by the lamp and after
squirming and wiggling around for a while, I realised I had to get
rid of it.....so I flung it away breaking it, and at the same time
plunging myself into total black darkness.
In spite of freeing me up somewhat, I kinda wished I hadn't done
that, y'know whut I mean? Cuz now I couldn't see shit. Well, after
some time, moving inch by inch I was able to turn myself over on to
my stomach and then was able to push myself on to my hands and knees
and from there was finally able to launch myself upright, where the
scene being totally dark and somewhat disoriented, I promptly fell
once again. Fortunately this time I landed on my sofa, which was a
much softer landing than the previous one. I lay there and thought
"Hmmmmm...this getting to bed seems to be unusually difficult
And so elected to remain right there until the ALL CLEAR sounded,
which was around noonish. I woke up and looked around and my first
thought, looking at the state of disarray around me and the gashes
on my arm, and bruises on my ribs and legs and the bump on my head
was that I had been burgled and assaulted.....but then it all came
back to me. It was all due to that miserable fucking lamp! I picked
it up and angrily threw it in the trash for causing me so much trouble.
Normally I don't "go off" on inanimate objects, but this
was too much!
And as I tossed it in the trash I said,
"BAAAD LAMP! BAAAD LAMP!"
"War of the Worlds", Alien invasion movie. Joggers: Alien species?
Date: Friday, July 8, 2005 6:21 PM
Earlier this afternoon I went and saw this movie. I seldom go ta'
th' theatre, but normally wait fer th' video release, or more usually,
until th' library gets a copy, but in this case, my curiosity got
th' better of me.
I saw an earlier version of War of the Worlds one night back
in 1953 when I wuz 12 years old and living on Okinawa. It wuz a good
movie, especially fer its time. Afterward, my buddy and I had to walk
down a deserted road about ten o'clock at nite, for about a mile and
a half, and it was a pretty scary walk, I can tell ya'! We kept a
mighty close lookout in the sky, expectin' ta' see alien machines
at any minute.
This new version tho is excellent and takes th' genre ta' a whole
other level!! It's jus' unbelievable whut they can do with special
effects these days. It wuz spectacular!! Ya' watch it and ya' go,
"How in th' fuck did they DO that?"
Y'know whut I mean! Fortunately I saw this one in the afternoon,
and so didn't have a scary walk home, but I did glance out th' window
a couple of times.
Tom Cruise wuz good too, and I hate Tom Cruise. They oughta' keep
that whack-job locked up some place and only let him out occasionally
ta' do a movie. Well, anyway, if ya' get a chance, check it out. I
think ya'll like it.
On th' way home I wuz drivin' by Loose Park and I saw this would-be
jogger. He wuz wearin' th' standard jogging outfit; y'know, all color
co-ordinated and everything. He had all kindsa' devices strapped ta'
his arms and waist. I wuz wonderin' th' purpose of all that gear and
then I saw him do a very strange thing.
He walked over ta' this metal light pole, put his legs out behind
him and leaned into th' pole and started pushin'!! haha Whut th' fu....?
Confused by his perplexin' behavior, I couldn't help resisting yelling
"HEY DUDE! THAS' A METAL POLE, YA' CAN'T PUSH THAT OVERR!!"
And this mook gives ME a dirty look, like, I wuz th' NUTFUCK? I mean, HE wuz th' one tryin' ta' shove a metal light pole over!! Whyz'ee lookin' at me like that? And why wuz he tryin' ta' vandalise th' park before his run? Who can figure out such critters, eh? Those joggers! Whut planet are they from?
From a reservist in Iraq
Date: Monday, July 4, 2005 12:13 AM
A BUDDY SENT THIS TO ME. MY REPLY IS WAY DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.
Here is a good one from Dale Williams that ought to wake every one
up. Send a copy of this to your sons and daughters and your grandchildren
so that they might have the same opportunity the rest of the real
world is having and not knowing it............YFFL, Paul
(I'm not sure jus' whut the fuck that means. whut opportunity is
it that the rest of the REAL world is having and not knowing
On Friday, we noted that a score of Ohio University students and
others had staged a "die-in" to protest the liberation of
Iraq. The Post, the student newspaper, carried a letter from
Marc Fencil, a senior who is also a Marine currently stationed in
Iraq, that is so excellent we reprint it in full: (from a reservist
"It's a shame that I'm here in Iraq with the Marines right now
and not back at Ohio University completing my senior year
(thas' whut ya' get fer voluntarily joinin' th' reserves ya' dumb
and joining in blissful ignorance with the enlightened, war-seasoned
protesters who participated in the recent "die-in" at College
It would appear that all the action is back home, but why don't we
make sure? That's right, this is an open invitation for you to cut
your hair, take a shower,
('take a shower', a little dig since everyone knows that war protestors
are always unkempt and dirty ruffians)
get in shape and come on over! If Michael Moore can shave and lose
enough weight to fit into a pair of camouflage utilities, then he
can come too!
Make sure you all say your goodbyes to your loved ones though, because
you won't be seeing them for at least the next nine months. You need
to get here quick because I don't want you to miss a thing. You missed
last month's discovery of a basement full of suicide vests from the
former regime; I'm sure Saddam's henchmen just wore them because they
were trendy though.
You weren't here for the opening of a brand new school we built either.
(he doesn't mention the reason they're building a brand new school
is cuz we blew th' other one ta' smithereens. only got two thousand
more ta' go and then we'll be even)
You might also notice women exercising their new freedom of walking
to the market unaccompanied by their husbands. (if they can get ta'
th' market without bein' blown ta' smithereens that is)
There is a man here, we just call him al-Zarqawi, but we think he'd
be delighted to sit down and give you some advice on how you can further
disrespect the victims of Sept. 11 and the 1,600 of America's bravest
who have laid down their lives for a safer world. Of course he'll
still call you "infidel" but since you already agree that
there is no real evil in the world, I see no reason for you to be
afraid. Besides, didn't you say that radical Islam is a religion of
peace and tolerance? (I don't think any one in their right mind ever
said 'Radical Islam' is a religion of peace and tolerance, jus' like
no one in their right mind ever said right-wing Christian Fundamentalism
is a religion of peace and tolerance either)
I'm warning you though -it's not going to be all fun and games over
(oh gee, ya' mean there won't be any Red Rover, Red Rover; send stupid
You might have bad dreams for the next several nights after you zip
up the body bag over a friend's disfigured face. I know you think
that nothing, even a world free of terror for one's children, is worth
dying for, but bear with me here. We're going to live in conditions
you've never dreamt about. You should get here soon though, because
the temperatures are going to be over 130 degrees very soon and we
will be carrying full combat loads. When it's all over, I promise
you can go back to your coffee houses and preach about social justice
and peace while you continue to live outside of reality.
If you decide to decline my offer, then at least you should sleep
well tonight knowing that men wearing black face masks and carrying
AK-47s yelling "Allahu Akbar" over here are proud of you
and are forever indebted to you for advancing their cause of terror.
(th' old rhetoric that any one who dares ta' disagree with Insane
Policy is some kind of traitor. Never, ever tell th' Emperor that
not only is he not wearin' any clothes, but that he's fuckin' crazy
as a bed bug on top of it))
While you ponder this, I'll get back to the real "die-in"
over here. I don't mind.
What can we say but "Semper fi"? God Bless America, Saepius
Exertus, Semper Fidelis, Frater Infinitas, Often Tested, Always Faithful,
Brothers Forever. United States Marines
(when ya' got nothin' intelligent ta' say, fall back on cliches!
That always keeps 'em guessin'!)
My reply follows (are ya' still with me?)
Typical military bullshit rhetoric! Thas' all I can say. Spoken like
a true Automaton. Th' same kinda' crap that Vietnam vets put out about
the war protestors of that time. It never ceases ta' amaze me how
peoples can be so completely brainwashed, i.e. that th' war in Iraq
has got anything whatsoever to do with 9/11, in spite of all the evidence
against that case by non-partisan commissions tasked ta' investigate
It jus' goes ta' prove that if you say a lie often enuff, and loud
enuff, and long enuff; peoples will believe it, regardless of the
stupidity of it. Geo. Bush knows this very well! Th' war on terror
and the war in Iraq are two completely different animals; got virtually
nothin' ta' do with each other, but if ya' keep on tellin' peoples
they do, th' mindless Amerikan public will disregard all evidence
ta' th' contrary and believe it! We're kinda gullible that way. Ya'
might even say, "mind-numbingly stupid".
If, in the wildest, most optimistic (and so improbable as to be almost
Impossible) scenario, the US achieved everything we wanted in iraq;
the war on terror will not suddenly come ta' a screechin' halt, nor
will it even slacken.
If we captured bin laden tomorrow, th' war on terror would not suddenly
end nor slacken one iota either.
I suppose those peoples who are over there riskin' their lives daily
have to believe that bullshit tho, cuz otherwise they would realize
they're nothin' but pawns and cannon fodder fer a politician's whims.
That would be Geo. Bush once again.
Do we never learn from our previous mistakes, a la Santayana? We
went to Vietnam allegedly ta' to preserve Democracy and Freedom. Did'ja
know that there wuzn't even word in Vietnamese for th' word, "freedom"?
Prolly not one fer Democracy either, but who's countin'? Almost 59,000
Americans paid with their lives, a couple hundred thousand wounded
physically, and who has any idea of th' mental damage inflicted on
th' rest of th' survivors? Th' result of our War ta' preserve Freedom
and Democracy: Th' Peoples Republic of Vietnam is a Communist country
today!!! Damn, don't ya' hate it when that happens!! Jeeeze, after
all that time and effort too. And jus' whut did those sacrifices accomplish?
Absolutely NADA amigos! In other words; NADA FUCKIN' THING!!
And now, who knows how many American lives will be lost in Iraq before
it's over? My bet is that we will eventually leave Iraq ta' th' Iraqis
ta handle, in th' same way we left Vietnamization ta' th' S.Vietnamese,
and within months after our pullout, th' insurgents will prevail and
Iraq will become an Islamic Fundamentalist Theocracy, much like Iran!
Mission NOT accomplished!!! An end result jus' like Vietnam.
If ever an Amerikan president deserved Impeachment, Geo. Bush should
win, hands down, no contest! Bill Clinton's little transgression of
lying about Monika pale in comparison to Bush's Big Lie about Iraq
and it's Weapons of Mass Destruction! He led us into a blind alley
and took us into an unwinable war over his lies, in spite of world
wide opinion, even from our closest allies, with th' exception of
th' Brit toadies. He and his cronies told us, ad infinitum, how they
DID have those WMDs; but we jus' haven't found 'em yet. After all,
Iraq wuz a big country they told us.
And now that we know better, now they try to make it sound like that
wuz never really important anyway; that th 'cause' wuz actually about
bringin' Freedom and Democracy ta' th' Iraqi peoples and deposin'
a tyrant. They tell us how th' world is now a safer place as a result
of our actions. Yeah right, try tellin' that ta' th' Iraqis gettin'
blown up every day.
And peoples like this reservist buy into th' Lie, "hook, line
and sinker". Pathetic is th' first word that comes to my mind.
Bush is like some Fundamentalist Preacher goin' about tryin' to convert
th' "unsaved", not to god, but to Democracy and Capitalism.
And specially, heavy on th' Capitalism part!
Well, anyway, that wuz my reply.
"No problem", some more
Date: Saturday, July 2, 2005 3:29 PM
Last night this gurl came up ta' th' bar and ordered some drinks.She
asked th' barmaid whut her name wuz and th' barmaid told her and she
"OMIGOD! What a great name. I just LOVE that!"
And th' barmaid said,
And th' gurl chirped,
"Hey, no problem!"
Ha ha. Ah, youth!
Do you think God ever changes his mind?
Date: Wednesday, June 29, 2005 7:08 PM
Th' Injustice jus' don't stop!
Date: Monday, June 27, 2005 6:07 PM
Every time I see that Cleveland Indians logo, I can't believe they
are still allowed ta' use that blatantly racist image as a symbol
of their baseball team. Look at it! Ya' got a big, red-skinned, gap-toothed,
shit-eatin grin on 'im, with a cartoonish face, with big bulgin' eyes
and a feather on th' back of his head, Lookit th' expression on his
face!! And Man, those teeth would do a beaver proud. And this is supposed
ta' be an American Indian?
And these Washington Redskins? Say whut!! Th' Redskins!! Peoples
in Cleveland and Washington say they don't know whut th' fuss is all
about? That there's nothin' derogatory in their name and logo. That
it's all jus' in fun. That th' Injuns actually like it, y'know, like,
th' slaves; a lot of 'em actually liked that too, cuz everything wuz
provided fer 'em. Well, at least a lotta' th' crackers said so anyway.
Think of Washington, our Nation's Capitol and Symbol of Freedom,
Democracy, and Equality, (god it wuz hard ta' write that with a straight
face) I think they oughta' give up th' rights ta' their Redskins name
and donate it ta' th' Cleveland Indians. I think th' Cleveland Redskins
would be more in keepin' with their logo. All in good-natured fun
Well sure! Th' same way if ya' had a big-lipped, flat nosed, cannibal-like,
black Sambo, as th' logo fer th' Detroit Darkies! How do ya' think
that would go over in th' African-American community? Not so good,
I venture. Could ya' even imagine such a thing? I don't hardly think
Or maybe, how bout a fat Mexican Gordo, with a big droopin' mustache,
with a big sombrero, propped up and sleepin' against a cactus, with
an empty bottle of tequila in his hand? That'd make a great logo fer
th' San Diego Wetbacks, don'cha think?
Whut about th' Atlanta Rednecks? With a blond, tow-haired, freckled-faced,
gap-toothed freak with a grass stem hangin' outta' his slack-jawed
mouth? All in good natured fun of course.
Whut about th' New Yawk Spics?
Well, ya' could go on and on, y'know. Go ahead boyz and gurlz; make
uo yer own names and logos fer yer favotite team!
But do ya' suppose anyone would have any kind of objections ta' those
scenarios? Well, of couse!! I mean, even th' suggestion is sooo outrageous
as ta' be absurd. Right! And yet...........and yet,.....we have th'
Cleveland Indians and th' Washington Redskins, and, like,
Man, If I wuz a Native/American I would be screamin' and yellin'
my head off about this, until some body finally did somthin' about
it, or until hell froze over; which ever came first. I'm thinkin'
th' latter, rather than th' former, would be th' more likely outcome.
"NO PROBLEM", th' expression
Date: Monday, June 27, 2005 2:44 PM
Th' following below happened four years ago. This expression wuz
in it's infancy then, explainin' my over-reaction to it at th' time
I suppose. I don't mean, it hadn't been around fer a long time; jus'
not in th' context it wuz used then and today. Of course today, it's
usage is widespread and ubiquitous. You'll hear it daily and frequently.
It's still jarring ta' me tho. I still haven't gotten completely used
ta' it. No one sez 'Thank you' or "You're welcome", any
more! "No problem has effectively replaced them both. And it's
used in so many other different ways too, like, fr'instance, if ya'
say ta' some one,
"Hey, it's good ta' see ya' again."
Their response could easily be,
"Hey, no problem."
When some one hands ya' yer food order and ya' say, "thanks",
they say, "No problem".
When YOU hand some one their food order and ya' say, "Burger
and fries, Here ya' go. Thanks for coming in."
They go, "No problem."
You can now use this phrase in just about any kind of situation that
requires some kind of response from you.
Th' expression went from one where ya' employed it ta' let some one
know that even tho ya' were takin' extra measures on yer part ta'
help them in some way, it was OK, cuz ya' didn't mind goin' th' extra
distance. Today it simply means,
"I see you and hear you!"
Last night I was trying to order a beer. There were only 5 or 6 peoples
sitting there at the time, so they weren't busy at all. The bartender
was engaged in a conversation, you see, down at the other end of the
bar. Finally I got his attention. I said,
"Hey yo, Jack, give me another beer will'ya?"
He noticed me gesturing in his direction and he came on down and
"Whadda'ya' need, Charlie?"
and I said, "Gimme another beer!"
and he said, "No problem."
and I said.
and he said, "No problem." once again.
And I got a bit animated here and said,
"WHAT??? Are you sure it's not a problem for you to get me a
beer?? Well gee, thanks, I'm rilly glad to hear that....y'know, that
it won't be a problem for you....but I mean...... isn't that what
you do? Isn't that why this place is here? Peoples come in.... they
give you money....you give them a drink. Right?! So.... you're just
trying to re-assure me then, huh, that you don't have a problem giving
me a beer? Well fucking thanks! Thanks a lot!! I feel a lot better
knowin I'm not causing you any problems here."
"Hey, what's the matter with you tonight Charley?"
and I said, "Hey, NO PROBLEM. OK!!"
So...later on in the evening I go to my late hours place and I said,
"Hey Susie, gimme a beer will ya?"
and Susie said,
"Not a problem."
I groaned. Sheeit! Once again, I wasn't causing anyone any problems
in spending my money. Man!.That makes ya' feel good, doesn't it!?
You know, there was a time in the service industry when you ordered
something...a drink, a hamburger, y'know, something or other and the
person waiting on you would say, "'OK'.....or, "sure thing"...or,
"coming right up" or some other affirmative response, anything
to give you the impression they liked and appreciated yer bizness...NOW...they
just tell you it won't be a problem. Sheeeit.
Well, like I said, that wuz four years ago and today, like it or
not, I have had ta' accept and ignore th' implications of whut it
actually means, as compared ta' th' common, ordinary way it is currently
employed by this, whut I affectionately refer ta' as, Th' Dumbed-Down-Generation.
It also useta' piss me off when I'd be relatin' some story and my
listener would say, "GET OUT!" as tho I'd been bullshittin'
'em! And I'd say,
"Hey Fuck You!! Thas exactly th' way it happened!! Whadda'ya
think, I jus' make up these stories fer shits and grins?"
Or else, when I'm rappin' and th' listener sez,
And then I go,
"Hey, FUCK YOU! awright!!"
and I'm surprised when they're surprised at my vehement response!!
Cuz I'm thinkin; who in th' fuck are you ta' tell me ta' shut up?
And they're sayin,
"Hey Charlie; Chill. It's just an expression! OK? I wuzn't tellin'
ya' ta' shut up!"
And I'm goin, "Well, it sure as hell sounded like thas' exactly
whut ya' jus' said ta' me!"
It took a few times like this, before I could let that slide, and
not interfere with th' flow of th' tale, as ut were. Hey peoples,
I'm slow, OK? but eventually I catch on.
Ya' know whut's gonna be rilly hard ta' take in th' Future? That
is, when th' expression, "Fuck you!" starts ta' replace,
"No problem". I mean, rilly, think about it. Ya' order yer
food and when it arrives ya' say, rememberin' whut yer momma and Ms.Manners
"Thank you" or "No problem."
and they answer in return,
Or like, when ya' help an elderly lady person across th' street and
"OK then. You all right now Mam?"
and she looks at you sweetly while her head is bobbin' around on
her shoulders and sez,
"FUCK YOU young man!"
Thas' gonna' take some attitudinal adjustment, eh? Sheeit. Hey boyz
and gurlz, why wait fer th' Future ta' come sneakin' and slitherin'
up on us? Let's start that shit right now. Let's be th' Vanguard of
th' Ultra-Hip. Every time yer in a situation that calls fer a "Thank
you" or a, "You're welcome", substitute a hearty, "FUCK
YOU!" instead! And fer those who take offense, explain ta' them,
in a condescendin' manner and tone, that YOU ARE, in fact, on th'
cutting edge of Hipness; and whut th' fuck is their problem? And they
might retort with a,
"No problem ese. FUCK YOU too!!"
and th' snowball begins ta' roll!
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