joe dreck
July 1, 2005

Joe Dreck is The Captain...sidekick of Duckman, owner of cheap tires.
Email Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: Do you think God ever changes his mind?
Date:
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 7:08 PM

?


Subject: Th' Injustice jus' don't stop!
Date:
Monday, June 27, 2005 6:07 PM

Every time I see that Cleveland Indians logo, I can't believe they are still allowed ta' use that blatantly racist image as a symbol of their baseball team. Look at it! Ya' got a big, red-skinned, gap-toothed, shit-eatin grin on 'im, with a cartoonish face, with big bulgin' eyes and a feather on th' back of his head, Lookit th' expression on his face!! And Man, those teeth would do a beaver proud. And this is supposed ta' be an American Indian?

And these Washington Redskins? Say whut!! Th' Redskins!! Peoples in Cleveland and Washington say they don't know whut th' fuss is all about? That there's nothin' derogatory in their name and logo. That it's all jus' in fun. That th' Injuns actually like it, y'know, like, th' slaves; a lot of 'em actually liked that too, cuz everything wuz provided fer 'em. Well, at least a lotta' th' crackers said so anyway.

Think of Washington, our Nation's Capitol and Symbol of Freedom, Democracy, and Equality, (god it wuz hard ta' write that with a straight face) I think they oughta' give up th' rights ta' their Redskins name and donate it ta' th' Cleveland Indians. I think th' Cleveland Redskins would be more in keepin' with their logo. All in good-natured fun of course.

Well sure! Th' same way if ya' had a big-lipped, flat nosed, cannibal-like, black Sambo, as th' logo fer th' Detroit Darkies! How do ya' think that would go over in th' African-American community? Not so good, I venture. Could ya' even imagine such a thing? I don't hardly think so!!

Or maybe, how bout a fat Mexican Gordo, with a big droopin' mustache, with a big sombrero, propped up and sleepin' against a cactus, with an empty bottle of tequila in his hand? That'd make a great logo fer th' San Diego Wetbacks, don'cha think?

Whut about th' Atlanta Rednecks? With a blond, tow-haired, freckled-faced, gap-toothed freak with a grass stem hangin' outta' his slack-jawed mouth? All in good natured fun of course.

Whut about th' New Yawk Spics?
Th' Boston Micks?
Th' Arizona Chili-Shitters?
Th' San Francisco Pinkies?
Th' Chicago Wops?
Th' Miami Greasers?
Th' San Antonio Beaners?

Well, ya' could go on and on, y'know. Go ahead boyz and gurlz; make uo yer own names and logos fer yer favotite team!

But do ya' suppose anyone would have any kind of objections ta' those scenarios? Well, of couse!! I mean, even th' suggestion is sooo outrageous as ta' be absurd. Right! And yet...........and yet,.....we have th' Cleveland Indians and th' Washington Redskins, and, like,

"Ho hum!"

Man, If I wuz a Native/American I would be screamin' and yellin' my head off about this, until some body finally did somthin' about it, or until hell froze over; which ever came first. I'm thinkin' th' latter, rather than th' former, would be th' more likely outcome.

th cap'm


Subject: "NO PROBLEM", th' expression
Date:
Monday, June 27, 2005 2:44 PM

Th' following below happened four years ago. This expression wuz in it's infancy then, explainin' my over-reaction to it at th' time I suppose. I don't mean, it hadn't been around fer a long time; jus' not in th' context it wuz used then and today. Of course today, it's usage is widespread and ubiquitous. You'll hear it daily and frequently. It's still jarring ta' me tho. I still haven't gotten completely used ta' it. No one sez 'Thank you' or "You're welcome", any more! "No problem has effectively replaced them both. And it's used in so many other different ways too, like, fr'instance, if ya' say ta' some one,

"Hey, it's good ta' see ya' again."

Their response could easily be,

"Hey, no problem."

When some one hands ya' yer food order and ya' say, "thanks", they say, "No problem".

When YOU hand some one their food order and ya' say, "Burger and fries, Here ya' go. Thanks for coming in."

They go, "No problem."

You can now use this phrase in just about any kind of situation that requires some kind of response from you.

Th' expression went from one where ya' employed it ta' let some one know that even tho ya' were takin' extra measures on yer part ta' help them in some way, it was OK, cuz ya' didn't mind goin' th' extra distance. Today it simply means,

"I see you and hear you!"
_________________________________
July 2001, a true life story from th' files

Last night I was trying to order a beer. There were only 5 or 6 peoples sitting there at the time, so they weren't busy at all. The bartender was engaged in a conversation, you see, down at the other end of the bar. Finally I got his attention. I said,

"Hey yo, Jack, give me another beer will'ya?"

He noticed me gesturing in his direction and he came on down and said,

"Whadda'ya' need, Charlie?"

and I said, "Gimme another beer!"

and he said, "No problem."

and I said.

"What?"

and he said, "No problem." once again.

And I got a bit animated here and said,

"WHAT??? Are you sure it's not a problem for you to get me a beer?? Well gee, thanks, I'm rilly glad to hear that....y'know, that it won't be a problem for you....but I mean...... isn't that what you do? Isn't that why this place is here? Peoples come in.... they give you money....you give them a drink. Right?! So.... you're just trying to re-assure me then, huh, that you don't have a problem giving me a beer? Well fucking thanks! Thanks a lot!! I feel a lot better knowin I'm not causing you any problems here."
and Jack, taken aback a bit at my outburst said,

"Hey, what's the matter with you tonight Charley?"

and I said, "Hey, NO PROBLEM. OK!!"

So...later on in the evening I go to my late hours place and I said,

"Hey Susie, gimme a beer will ya?"

and Susie said,

"Not a problem."

I groaned. Sheeit! Once again, I wasn't causing anyone any problems in spending my money. Man!.That makes ya' feel good, doesn't it!? You know, there was a time in the service industry when you ordered something...a drink, a hamburger, y'know, something or other and the person waiting on you would say, "'OK'.....or, "sure thing"...or, "coming right up" or some other affirmative response, anything to give you the impression they liked and appreciated yer bizness...NOW...they just tell you it won't be a problem. Sheeeit.

the capt.

6/27/05

Well, like I said, that wuz four years ago and today, like it or not, I have had ta' accept and ignore th' implications of whut it actually means, as compared ta' th' common, ordinary way it is currently employed by this, whut I affectionately refer ta' as, Th' Dumbed-Down-Generation.

It also useta' piss me off when I'd be relatin' some story and my listener would say, "GET OUT!" as tho I'd been bullshittin' 'em! And I'd say,

"Hey Fuck You!! Thas exactly th' way it happened!! Whadda'ya think, I jus' make up these stories fer shits and grins?"

Or else, when I'm rappin' and th' listener sez,

"SHUT--UP!!".

And then I go,

"Hey, FUCK YOU! awright!!"

and I'm surprised when they're surprised at my vehement response!! Cuz I'm thinkin; who in th' fuck are you ta' tell me ta' shut up? And they're sayin,

"Hey Charlie; Chill. It's just an expression! OK? I wuzn't tellin' ya' ta' shut up!"

And I'm goin, "Well, it sure as hell sounded like thas' exactly whut ya' jus' said ta' me!"

It took a few times like this, before I could let that slide, and not interfere with th' flow of th' tale, as ut were. Hey peoples, I'm slow, OK? but eventually I catch on.

Ya' know whut's gonna be rilly hard ta' take in th' Future? That is, when th' expression, "Fuck you!" starts ta' replace, "No problem". I mean, rilly, think about it. Ya' order yer food and when it arrives ya' say, rememberin' whut yer momma and Ms.Manners told ya',

"Thank you" or "No problem."

and they answer in return,

"FUCK YOU!"

Or like, when ya' help an elderly lady person across th' street and ya' go,

"OK then. You all right now Mam?"

and she looks at you sweetly while her head is bobbin' around on her shoulders and sez,

"FUCK YOU young man!"

Thas' gonna' take some attitudinal adjustment, eh? Sheeit. Hey boyz and gurlz, why wait fer th' Future ta' come sneakin' and slitherin' up on us? Let's start that shit right now. Let's be th' Vanguard of th' Ultra-Hip. Every time yer in a situation that calls fer a "Thank you" or a, "You're welcome", substitute a hearty, "FUCK YOU!" instead! And fer those who take offense, explain ta' them, in a condescendin' manner and tone, that YOU ARE, in fact, on th' cutting edge of Hipness; and whut th' fuck is their problem? And they might retort with a,

"No problem ese. FUCK YOU too!!"

and th' snowball begins ta' roll!


Subject: Elian Gonzales. He's baaaack!
Date:
Monday, June 27, 2005 4:18 AM

I wuz watchin Jerry Springer th' other night and Jerry's schezhuled guest; th' lesbian dwarf who wuz reputed ta' be havin' an affair with Ellen DeGenares wuz admitted ta' a hospital after takin' an overdose of lentils, after a lover's spat.

So, the producers chose Elian Gonzales, the Cuban Ambassador to the United States, as a last minute fill in.

He wuz really quite impressive fer a 12 year old kid. In a wide ranging interview coverin' many different topics. Havin' lived in Florida hisself, his perspectives on various issues were clear and succinct. He handled himself with grace and natural aplomb, adroitly sidesteppin' th' matter of whether he wuz doin' th' Makarena at th' Wakarusa.

About half way through th' interview, as they were discussin' th' implications of Big Foot vis a vis relations between our two countries, one of th' show's staffers came on camera and whispered fer a few seconds in Jerry's ear. Jerry furrowed his brow pensively; y'know th' way he does that, and then said in a grave and ominous voice,

"Senor Ambassador Gonzales, it has just been brought to my attention, that since the United States and

Cuba do not have formal relations; therefore we do not have Ambassadors! Tell me Sir, does it bother you to find out that you aren't actually an Ambassador after all?"

Elian replied with that impish Elian grin we have seen so many times before, "Nada! Nada bit!"

Springer: "Well then Sir, would you care to comment on the rumors that you will be taking power when Fidel dies, or if we're ever able to actually assassinate him?"

Elian, once again with the grin, "Si. I am the Walrus!"

This is th' part where Jerry furrowed his brow yet once again; he's perplexed. Something's not quite right, something's a little bit out of whack, but he can't quite put his finger on it. So then, Jerry (and it's always easy to spot Jerry cuz he's th' one whose got a sign in his hand saying Jerry Springer, lest he should forget I suppose) appears ta' be bitin' his knuckle fer some reason, (Jerry has a wide range of visual emotional responses) and in tryin' ta' extirpate himself from a difficult situation, and bein' a former mayor, a political animal at heart, rumored to be lookin' ta' the Presidency himself next time around, asks Elian,

"So Senor Ambassador, in the future, when I become the Presidente of the United Corporations of Amerika, and let me just say here, "God bless Amerika!", and you, in turn have become El Supremo de Cuba, would you be willing to make a bold gesture, with myself, as a move towards reconciliation between our two great Nations? Sir, I am talking here about no less than the formal Exchange of Exotic Dancers!!!"

And Elian, without missing a beat replied, "Si. I am The Walrus, OO Ku KaChu."

And Jerry, unable ta' contain himself at his diplomatic coup, jumped out of his seat, pumping his fist in the air in a gesture of wild exhileration and exclaimed,

"YEAH! YEAH!! OOO WEEEE! HOT CUBAN CHIQUITAS!! AWRIGHT!!!"

And th' audience got caught up in th' frenzy of th' moment and were jumpin' up and down and pumpin' their fists in th' air too, and screamin' "JERRR-RII, JERRR-RII" So th' show ended on a positive note.

It wuz really quite interestin' ta' listen ta' th' various pundits after th' show, splaining' ta' us whut wuz jus' said and tryin' ta' characterise Señor Gonzalez response.

One guy said he saw th' "Si" as a positive sign. Th' next guy said he had a problem with that "I" part and wanted it defined more clearly, Like, whut exactly did he mean by, "I"? Th' next person thought th' "Am" part, that "to be" thing, ta be quite confusin'. Another found th' "the" aspect disturbin'. He said he wuzn't in ta' "article"' and wuz suspicious of peoples who used them so casually. Well ya' can surely imagine th' collective consternation they all had with th' "Walrus" part and especially that, "OO KU KaChu" bit at th' end of his statement. They're still debatin' whut th' fuck thas' all about?

Personally, I don't know either, but being an Elian booster I jus' know it's gotta be somthin' good.

th' capt

P.S. So th' next time you're feeling kinda low, lookin' fer somthin' ta' cheer ya up; just remember,
"Hot Cuban Babes and Dudes coming SOON to a club near you!"


Subject: Th' Joy of th' Laundry
Date:
Friday, June 24, 2005 5:35 PM

Tho I hate doin' laundry and I put it off constantly, until finally, I have nothing left ta' wear, I gotta' admit, it has it's hidden rewards. Like, today, fr'instance, I found two fifty dollar bills in th' dryer when I wuz finished.

This happens ta' me fairly frequently. Otherwise I'd prolly jus' go out and buy new clothes every few weeks. Like, last year I found 96 dollars during one session, in a combination of ten's, twenty's and one's. That wuz cool!! But th' two fifty's today was Real sweet.

Of course th' joy of findin' this money is some whut offset by th' fact that, some where in th' preceding weeks, I had left it in a shirt or pair of pants and that it wuz mine ta' begin with. Some peoples might say,

"Well sheeit, Big deal! So whut! All ya' did wuz find yer own money."

But see, bein' an optimistic kinda person, always lookin' at th' bright side of things, always thinkin' positively, all I cn' say is;

"Dog doo-doo on you doomhead!"

cuz, like, no matter whut ya' say, after deducting th' cost of th' laundry mission itself, I now have about 90 bucks more than I had when I walked inta' th joint. And thas' OK by me!!.

th cap'm

 


Subject: Controversy at th' Wakarusa Festival
Date:
Thursday, June 23, 2005 5:09 PM

Th' Makarena at th' Wakarusa? Thas' whut some of my sources are claiming.

A high-level government official. speaking on condition of anonymity, told a highly respected investigative reporter (that would be moi) that th' Makarena had in fact, been performed at th' Makarusa!! I wuz shocked! I said,

"Huh? Whudda' ya' kiddin'? Are ya' sure? TH' MAKARENA AT TH' MAKARUSA? Man! That jus' don't sound right ta' me!"

According to this official, who shall remain nameless, y'know, since he wuz speakin' on condition of anonymity, Elian Gonzales was given a secret temporary visa to perform there. This, in an effort to ease persistent tensions between th' USA and Cuba, ongoing fer th' past 45 years.

Personal friends of mine, in attendance, confirmed that they saw him there and that he wuz in fact doin' th' Makerena. We already know from other intelligence sources that he has been seen in various Havana discos in th' past, doin' th' Makarena, so we know he's capable of it.

Perhaps this is a response ta a lotta' peoples reaction when word first surfaced on his Makarena machinations in Cuba. Peoples here were miffed! After all, he didn't do no steeenking Makarena when he wuz our guest for 6-8 months and we bought him every kinda toy a 7 year old kid could ask for, in an attempt ta' persuade him that Democracy wuz better than th' Totalitarianism of Fidel Castro, this fuckin' kid decided that bein' with his dad wuz more important. Then he goes back ta' Cuba and then does th' Makarena!! Ingrate bastard!

While discussing his sighting, my friends also commented on th' excellent quality of th' 'shrooms' and said they were surprised ta' see Tom Cruise, and Jennifer Wiilibanks joining him onstage there.
Now, I can neither confirm nor deny this accounting, as I'm sure ya' can understand. When peoples are under th' influence of these kind of substances, we can't always tell whether they know whut planet they're on or not? They coulda' seen a couple doin' th' horizontal bop and thought it wuz Tom and Jennifer doin' th' Makarena! Y'know whut ahm sayin'! Ya' jus' never can tell fer sure whut they saw?

Was Elian actually there? Like I said,

"I dunno'."

If he wuz there; did he do th' Makarena?

Once again, "I dunno."

Is this a clumsy attempt on th' Government's part ta' reach out ta' th' Cuban nation, much like Nixon's overtures towards th' Chinese Commie bastards? ie; th' ping-pong diplomacy. Once again,

"I dunno'."

But, th' rumor persists.

th' cap'm

P.S. Makarena? Wakarusa? Tonga? Cucamonga? Baja Cali for nia? Bora Bora? Patagonia? They all seem rather silly dances ta' me, like, did'ja ever see anyone doin' th' Cucamonga? Thas' allways good fer a few laughs, eh.


Subject: Happy Birthday
Date:
Thursday, June 23, 2005 4:11 PM

A little while ago I wuz behind this SUV and th' driver jus' happened ta' be a little blond, ponytailed gurl, not that that's pertinent ta' anything, of course.

I mean, it doesn't really matter whut color her hair wuz, or whut knda vehicle she happened ta' be drivin'. I jus' happened ta' mention it. Cuz, it's not like I got anything against young, blonde haired gurls wearin' ponytails drivin' giant Suv's or anything! Did I happen ta' mention she wuz wearin' shades?

Well, no matter!! Anyway..... she had a message painted on her back window that read,
"HONK! Today's my birthday!"

and I thought,

"C'mon sweetie, do ya' really think th' peoples behind ya' give a shit that today's yer birthday? Yeah we know, it's a "Special Day" you share, with only about 20 million other peoples in th' world."

But as I pulled alongside her, I figured,

"Oh whut th' hell!" and so....

I honked my horn!!

And then....I flipped her th' finger!

Happy Birthday from th cap'm


Subject: Bush meets with Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai
Date:
Tuesday, June 21, 2005 8:43 PM

This is Amazing! Our President is meeting and discussing issues with the prime minister of the country we fought a ten year war with, at th' conclusion of which, we left with our tails between our legs and left Vietnam a Communist country, which is what we were ostensibly there to prevent in the first place.

For those who don't like th' characterization of us as leaving, "with our tails between our legs," I simply ask you to look at some of the footage of the evacuation of Saigon with American soldiers rifle butting Vietnamese civilians, clinging to helicopter skids in a desperate attempt to escape. The pandemonium and chaos that ensued were not exactly what you'd call, "an orderly withdrawal".

Some 58,000+ Americans killed, hundreds of thousands wounded; all for naught. We had accomplished absolutely nothing of what we had intended. Vietnamese losses, one and a half to two million, maybe more, who knows, altho at least gaining Independence for themselves as a result of their sacrifices.

A ten-year disaster tore th' fabric of this country apart, politically, economically and socially, pitting fathers against sons, brother against brother, friend against friend.

Now, I'm not against this rapprochement at all. I mean, within ten years of fighting a World War with Germany, Japan and Italy with worldwide casualties estimated at 50 million, our former bitter enemies were our staunch friends and allies within fifteen years, against th' common enemy, the godless Russian and Chinese Commies bent on World Domination.

These were our Cold War foes for 40+ years, where we collectively spent hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars, perhaps a trillion, or more, so we could wipe each other off the face of the earth, should we feel it was necessary, perhaps in the process wiping out the human species all together. With the prevailing attitude that, "some times ya' gotta' do whut ya' gotta' do!" I mean, of course you would hate to wipe out all Humanity, but defending Freedom and Democracy sometimes requires great Sacrifice, and we were prepared to do that, if those rat-bastard Commies pushed us too far.
But some how, luckily, altho a couple of times we came real close, we managed to constrain our selves from destroying our planet and most life on it.

Today, probably half the goods we buy, regardless of what they are, come from China. We're buddies today with the godless Chinee, cuz they make a lotta' stuff we want and they make 'em real cheap.
Now, let's switch to Cuba. Apparently our Number One Nemesis In The World. Oh sure, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, N. Korea all pose some problems for us, but this Cuba thing; now that's serious!!!

We have had an economic blockade of Cuba that's been in place for over forty years!! You can go on vacation to Russia, China, Vietnam, but don't even think about going to Cuba. North Korea would probably be the only country on earth harder for an Amerikan to travel to.

Why is that, do you suppose? Do the Cubans pose some kind of military threat to us? Is their GNP in danger of surpassing us as the leading economic factor in the world? Is the Cuban peso about to shunt the dollar, the yen, and the Euro aside? Are they harboring large quantities of Weapons of Mass Destruction, which they may unleash on us at any minute? (I sure hope geo. bush didnt read that. i wouldn't want to give him any ideas) What is the basis for our Cuban policy that has been in effect for forty five years now?

Eisenhower started it, and then Kennedy assumed it with the ill conceived, ill executed invasion of Cuba by a motley bunch of unemployed Cubans, with catastrophic results, much to Kennedy's everlasting embarrassment and shame.

Next came Johnson, then Nixon, then Ford, then Carter, then Reagan, then Bush 1, then Clinton, then Bush 2. That's ten administrations and all of them following the same hard line! The Cubans are still pariahs in the eyes of every Amerikan government since 1959!! Why? Why? Why?
If we could forgive the transgressions of the Germans, with their death camps, and the Japanese with their war crimes in China and brutal treatment of American POW's, and the Russian and Chinese Commies who had threatened to "bury us" for almost fifty years, and the Vietnamese; what exactly have the Cubans done, fr'chrissake. to warrant our treatment of their peoples for the last forty-five years?????
The only invasion the Cubans are guilty of, are the boat people fleeing Cuba, not so much for political reasons I think, but simply; cuz they're hungry. They jus' wanta' place where they can get something to eat. See, Cuba may be the only country in the world (besides N. Korea once again) where you can't buy a Big Mac or a Whopper. They don't have Wal-Marts either. Or Jerry Springer. The Cuban peoples want those things too, but our Government won't let them have 'em? All democratic loving peoples want those things. They just go hand in hand with Democracy!!

Now, I have a theory about why our govt's attitude toward Cuba is so unyielding and intransigent. There is no wiggle-factor here at all. (originally you thought this was maybe a small observation about Bush's meeting, didn't you?) I think Fidel Castro, tiring of the CIA's constant bungling attempts to assassinate him, going so far as to hire the Mafia to hit him, fr'chrissake, decided to take Kennedy down first. I believe that our government thought he was behind Kennedy's assassination, but unable to prove it, then declared Fidel Castro persona non grata forever, or as long as he shall live at least, and subsequently, the entire nation of Cuba responsible for his death, and decided that as long as Fidel was in power and alive, we would never forgive him, thus making the Cuban peoples have to share the burden. I can think of no other reason why this attitude towards Cuba has gone on for so long.
I'm betting that within one year of Castro's death, we will have diplomatic relations with Cuba once again, and the transformation of Cuba from being a pariah to a friendly nation will take place faster than anyone ever thought.

I could be wrong tho!

th' cap'm


Subject: Oh, those celebrities! They're a stitch!!
Date:
Tuesday, June 21, 2005 12:52 PM

I wuz readin' some where in th' last couple of days 'bout Ben Afflect. Ya' remember him? It seems, according ta' this person, who jus' finished makin' a movie with Ben, that he is a big practical joker on th' set.

This guy mentioned how one of Ben's favorite gags is ta' come up behind some one seated and rest his scrotum on their shoulders!! Ha ha eh?

But frankly, I personally think that is jus' sooo tacky, and in bad taste, don't you! I mean, ya' gotta wonder if his momma didn't teach him any manners at all, y'know, like,

"Benny, stop that. It's not nice to rest your balls on guests shoulders."

I would consider that very annoying and rude behavior. When I wuz a kid I useta' like ta' play practical jokes too, but mine were limited ta' whoopie cushions and fake dog doo-doo and things of that nature. This one woulda' been 'over th' top', so to speak.

If, Ben and I ever make a movie together, a rather unlikely event considerin' th' direction, like, straight downhill, his career has been goin' th' last few years, and Ben ever pulled that little joke on me, I'm thinkin' Ben's next gig would be with th' Vienna Boyz Choir!!

There are a few things that really bug me.
Don't snap my suspenders!
Don't flip my lid from behind down onta' my nose!
Don't yank on my ponytail!
Don't tap me from behind on one shoulder and as I turn around in that direction, tell me from th' other side, "Gotcha! har har"
and, Don't rest yer balls on my shoulder!

Thas' not too much ta' ask, is it??!

th' cap'm

P.S. I'm wonderin' if there might be some connection between Ben's career slide and his practical jokes? Y'know, like, directors sayin',

"No! No, I don't wanta' work with that mook, cuz, ten minutes inta production I'll have his balls restin' on my shoulders!"


Subject: Th' Future is here. Now!!
Date:
Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:12 AM

I wuz sittin' in my car at Loose park readin' th' paper, jus' killin' some time in th' outdoors, and this cute gurl came runnin' by. She went floating by and tho she wuz runnin' at a pretty good clip, she wuzn't bouncin' up and down, but runnin' very fluidly and smoothly, with no apparent effort. But still, her pony tail wuz swishin' rhythmically back and forth, side ta' side.

She ran with her back very upright and rigid and her head wuz propped up on her slender neck, also very rigid and straight. Man, whut great posture she had, even runnin'!

She wuz wearin' a bright red shade of lipstick, altho her face wuz a very pale white. She wuz starin' straight ahead, chin slightly out thrust, and she didn't so much as glance ta' th' side, neither left nor right, and her face wuz totally devoid of expression of any kind. Mask like!! There wuz nothing there at all. She wuz completely oblivious ta' all around her. Th' cliche, "no one home" fit her perfectly.

But th' most striking thing about her wuz th' movement of her arms, in a very strange, robotic, herky-jerky fashion, her hands splayed out in an un-gainly, un-elegant manner. It wuz such a contrast to th' smooth, even flow of th' rest of her, it wuz jarring. It threw everything off. Somethin' jus' wuzn't right, but I couldn't figure it out.

SUDDENLY, I realised whut wuz goin' on!! I shoulda' spotted it right away!

I wuz apparently lookin' at a 3M Model 2005 Female Runner Proto-Type out on a surreptitious test run. Apparently they jus' hadn't worked all th' bugs out of it yet. I think when they get th' arm thing workin' properly it'll be pretty nifty. I also think they ought ta' program it ta' rotate th' head jus' slightly and ta' simultaneously break a little smile at completely random, unpredictable moments. That way, as yer sittin' on yer lawn chair, swillin' yer beer, kickin' back and relaxin', havin' programmed it 'ta circle th' block, every now and then, some times, occasionally, as it passes by, it will look in yer direction and
“smile,” not a large toothy grin or any thing, but rather, jus' a small, enigmatic upturning of th' corner of th' lips. And they should make that feature standard, not optional. Hopefully, production models will be rollin' off th' lines pretty soon.

th' cap't.

P.S. See whut happens when I don't get my nightly allotment of booize and stuff. This!!


Subject: FABULOUS, FABULOUS NEWS
Date:
Monday, June 20, 2005 12:07 AM

TOM CRUISE AND KATIE WHUT TH' FUCK'S HER NAME ARE ENGAGED! ISN'T IT JUST TOOO FABULOUS!!!!!

I JUS' CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ALL TH' DETAILS ABOUT HER RING AND THE WEDDING PLANS, AND HER GOWN?? OH, BOYZ AND GURLZ, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S JUS TOOO MUCH EXCITEMENT TO BEAR.

th' cap'm

P.S. I'd like to thank those nameless peoples who labor anonmyously ta' manufacture th' news fer us. I was deeply concerned, ever since th' Michael Jackson verdict came down, cuz I wondered whut they had ta' follow that act? I mean, that wuz BIG TIME, y'know whut ahm sayin'! Close ta' OJ quality stuff.
But with sufficient hype and non-stop appearances on letterman, leno, th' early show, seseme street, oprah, dr. phil, fox news, meet th' press, etc, etc, they should have enuff wiggle-room ta' keep us occupied until they can come up with somthin' a little bit better.

Hey, don't get me wrong tho, OK!? cuz I'm not complanin'. No sir-ree, not one bit, so don't be compilin' some kinda file on me, cuz I'm with th program!! Y'hear!! I'm EXCITED over this as any one can possibly be, and I can't wait til tomorrow fer some new details. OK? Once again, jus' fer th' record, I'M SOOO EXCITED!!!


Subject: Th' gall! Th' Temerity!! Th' Indecency!
Date:
Friday, June 17, 2005 5:54 PM

Only in Amerika could a person get cold feet before their wedding, slither off inta' th' night and hide out for a few days and then claim to have been abducted and raped, and then be exposed for th' phony they are and then sell their story fer 500,000 bucks! Cn' ya' believe that!!

I think it would be Ironic Justice if that whore/slut/swine/bitch (I refuse ta' refer ta' her as, "th' runaway bride") who did this, causing nationwide distress over her disappearance, were to actually be abducted, FOR REAL this time, before she wuz able ta' cash her check for her "life story" and wuz then gang raped by a bunch of dope-crazed, degenerate, Mutant Bikers, who left her sprawled on top of th' garbage heap, appropriately enuff, at th' local land-fill. At least then she coulda' been said ta' have earned her money.

But, other than that, I have no feelings about her one way or the other.

th' cap't


Subject: Sickening, Disgusting
Date:
Thursday, June 16, 2005 5:06 PM

Whut a fucked up Culture we live in! I lost my lunch when I read that piece-of-shit-bitch who ran off from her wedding has now sold her story for a half-million dollars!! Are people fucking Insane?

Her story of going missing before her wedding was so overdone to begin with. Th' nationwide hype and hysteria over a missing gurl got pretty ridiculous.
Now...this! Who in their right mind would be interested in her and her dumb-ass fiance's life story? I would like to meet th' person who says, "Gee, it's all soooo interesting and romantic. I'm so excited. I just can't wait for th' movie."

Yeah, no kiddin', I would like to meet that individual so I could SHIT on their heads!! and say,

"HEY!! Howd'ja like that fer 'interesting' and 'romantic'!"

But ya' know whut, peoples who are that fucking stupid and shallow would prolly say, "Oooh gosh, Gee. Do it again. But in my mouth next time."

Such is th' mentality of th' average amerikan idiot, who I suppose, are only products of th' society they live in.

IS THIS TH' GREATEST COUNTRY IN TH' WORLD, OR WHUT!!!

Now, if ya'll excuse me, I gotta' go vomit some more.

th' cap't


Subject: Rappin' with a Mobster
Date:
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 7:40 PM

I wuz sittin' down at yer Fred P. Otts again late last night and this middle aged dude sat next ta' me. Presently, he asked me if I wuz a musician? I told him. "No, uhhuh." He said I looked like a musician. I told 'im I'd heard that before, but that I wuzn't.

Then he asked me if I wuz a writer? I told 'im no, not by a long shot. Then he asked me if I wuz a professor of some kind? I once again told 'im no. I don't know why, but strangers ask me these three things alla' time.

Next, he asked me how old I wuz? I told 'im 63. He said, "Oh bullshit yur not a day over forty." I said, "40!! sheeit. Hey, get real dude! Whadda'ya talkin about? Gimme a break."

Now, I'm beginnin' ta' wonder whut kinda loony-toon I got here? Then he told me he had jus' driven straight in from Denver. But he had stopped in Vegas where he won 25 large on blackjack. I said,

"Lemme get this straight; ya jus' drove straight thru from Denver, but ya' stopped off in Vegas and won 25 large playin' blackjack?"

He said, "Yeah, that's right." Then he asked me if I wuz in a band? I told 'im no.
Then he told me he wuz in th' Mafia from Balboa Beach, California.

"No kiddin" I said, "I've heard a lot about th' Balboa Beach Mafia. Is that dude they call Topo Gigio still th' Godfather of that outfit?"

He didn't answer that, but told me they had a contract out on 'im and he wuz on th' run. He said he wuz stayin' in a very fancy expensive hotel figurin' he wuz better off hidin' right out in th' open, "y'know whut ahm sayin", he said

"Yeah, that makes sense ta' me." I said.

Then he asked me where th' river wuz?

"Whut river?" I replied. He said he'd heard about a river that ran thru a place called th' Plaza. I told 'im he wuz, in fact, right in th' Plaza at that very moment, and th' river he'd heard about wuz really a big sewer and if he stepped outside he could see and smell it from there.

He asked me if I wuz a musician? I told 'im no. He said he wuz on his way ta' St Louie where some Mafia paisans were goin' ta' hide 'im out, til things cooled off with th' Balboa Beach mob. I told 'im that sounded like a prudent thing ta' do.

He told me his St. Louie Mafia connections had built th' Arch there.

"I'll be damned." I said. He then bought me a beer and said maybe he could catch my band sometime when he had more time. I said, "Yeah, that'd be great if I had one."
He told me he had ta' be goin' cuz he got uncomfortable if he stayed in one place too long, th' Mob thing, y'know. He said th' Long Beach Mafia had guys lookin' fer him everywhere and he wuzn't gonna make it easy fer 'em.

I suggested mebbe he look inta' th' Witness Protection Program.

He said, "Nah, thas not fer me." I said, "Yeah, I cn' unnerstan, A freewheelin' dude like wouldn't fit in there at all."

He said, "I gotta roll. I been here too long already. Good luck with yer music."

I told 'im ta' keep his head down, and he walked out th' door.

Well, jus' another night in th' hood and jus' a typical example of th' kinda people I attract alla time. It never fails. If there is a loon anywhere in th' vicinity, where ever they are, they will find their way ta' me, cuz,

I AM THE LOON MAGNET!!

th' cap't


Subject: Th Wasteland of late nite TV
Date:
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 6:53 PM

Last night, I left th' bar early cuz there wuzn't much action there. Well, ta' be a bit more specific, since I wuz th' only customer in th' joint, ya' could say there wuzn't ANY action there at all.

So, I said "fuck it," and went back ta' th' crib. I turned Letterman on (I hate that asshole) and he wuz talkin 'bout th' new buzz phrase, "Don't even go there." He mentioned how jus' a short time ago every one wuz sayin' "Bogus", y'know, this is "bogus" that was "bogus." But Dave said how that now, every one is sayin',
"Don't even go there!"

Who in th' fuck writes his material, and where in th' fuck have they been th' past few years? I mean, sheeit. This is a new expression? Gimme a break! As a matter of fact, this expression is so old now, ya' don't even hardly hear it any more.

(A couple of years ago I wrote about this dumb expression and how peoples seemed ta' go out of their way to get it into their conversation. Along with "Get out!" and "Like" and "Omigod" and a couple of other lame-ass cliches, one could carry on a conversation, and I heard many of them, believe me, with out ever actually sayin' a godam thing)

So, of course, during th' show, he would blurt out, "Don't even go there." occasionally, th' same way he does with punch lines that don't work th' first time. Ya'' ever notice that? He will say them again, two or three times, often times more, and by repeating them, he will try and get a laugh outta' th' fact it wuzn't funny ta' begin with. Johnny

Carson useta' be able ta' pull that off. Letterman doesn't have th' talent fer it.
Have ya' ever watched an entire show of Letterman where ya' didn't hear some fuckin' thing bout his kid? Whas' up with that? I wish he'd jus' shut th' fuck up about his kid. I mean, who really gives a fuck whut cute little thing his brat did last week? I already gotta' sit around and listen ta' friends of mine tellin' me how their young Einstein is already doin' stuff at 26 weeks old that "normal" kids don't start doin' til their 30 weeks old. Yeah, right.

"Shit cap't, he weighs 33 pounds already when other babies his age only weigh 30. Th' kid's gonna be a Monster I tell ya'!"

I listened ta' this gurl I know moanin' and groanin' bout th' educational system thas' been holdin' her lil' darlin' back ever since she's been in school fer th' past seven years, cuz she always th' smartest, brightest kid in every class she's ever been in. Ever since kindergarten. Nobody else's kid comes close ta' her. Her kid is soooo bored with th' school work, a lotta' times, she'll jus take a C cus they won't challenge her. haha. Then I turn on th TV fer some 'escape' and I gotta listen ta' th' same crap-ola from Letterman. Sheeit. I'd rather do drugs! And thas' not a joke.

But I did discover a very illuminating thing last night bout Paul Schaeffer, his band guy, Dave remarked there wuz somthin' different bout Paul but he couldn't quite figure out whut it wuz.Dave went on fer some time bout how puzzled he wuz. So Paul hipped us ta' whut wuz goin' down with his bad self.

See, he wuzn't wearin' his usual shades! Thas' whut wuz different. He always has some kinda hip shades on. It seems Paul wuz some place recently and he wuz rappin' with Jerry Lewis. D'ya remember him? Well, anyway, Jerry told Paul ta' lose th' shades! Jerry told Paul th' shades were a barrier between him and th' audience. Jerry told him th' shades were preventin' th' audience from getting ta' know th Real Paul Schaeffer. So, Paul sez,

"When a show biz legend like Jerry Lewis gives ya advice; ya do whut he tells ya'!!"

So.....evidently Paul's gonna ditch his shades so we can all get ta' know th' real Paul Schaeffer better. Th' audience applauded here. Don't ask me why. I mean, rilly, why exactly would a room full of ordinary, sane peoples applaud cuz some mook said he wuzn't gonna' wear shades any more? I suppose cuz a sign went on someplace sayin, "Applaud!" and so of course th' automatons did as instructed. They shoulda' played a practical joke on Paul where th' sign said, "Shout out, 'We don't give a fuck"

But since that didn't happen, I guess I'll have ta' be th' one ta' tell him, "Hey Paul, y'know whut, Fuck you and Fuck Jerry Lewis too!, cuz we really don't give a shit who ya' really are. OK! All we rilly care about is Harry (that would be Dave's kid) and whut's happening' in his life. So, take a hike; or, don't take a hike. Wear shades; or, don't wear shades. No one gives a shit! Ya' unnerstan'!!??"

Peoples tell me alla' time as I bitch bout Letterman,

"Hey yo cap't, if ya' hate Letterman so much, why don't ya' jus' watch Leno instead?"

Sheeit. Thas like sayin, "If ya' don't like havin' yer fingernails ripped out with a pair of pliers, why not jus' have yer toe nails ripped instead?"

Jay Leno!! Sheeit. Have ya' ever watched Lame-Ass Jay Leno? C'mon, puh-leese! And his goofy band guy, whas' his name? Kevin, is it McBride? Jus' call 'im Uncle Tom. Well, whutever. Every time Jay says somthin', any damn thing, it don't matter, yur gonna' hear Kevin over there goin', "Oh Jay man" and ya'll hear his laugh. Th' guy must get paid bonus dollars or somthin' every time Jay tells a joke and he laughs so you can hear him. Listen, durin' Jay's monologue, ya'll hear Kevin over there, snortin' and smirkin', laughin' and gigglin'. Jay jus' cracks him up! All night long!!

Ya' know whut, after writin' this and thinkin' bout it, I don't give a shit if I Am th' only person in th' joint tonight, I'm sure as fuck not leavin' early ta' go home and watch TV!!

th' capt


Subject: Mini-skirts
Date:
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 4:43 PM

Y'know, some gurls jus' shouldn't wear mini-skirts! Jus' like some guys shouldn't wear speed-os. Like, fr'instance, a little while ago I wuz at Osco's and I saw this gurl in a black mini-skirt and she wuz a good example of a gurl who shouldn't have been wearin' one.

She wuz a bit plump, but, hey, thas' no big deal, no problema there, no, but she wuz also about 70 years old!! Ha ha. She shoulda' left her mini-skirt at home! Maybe she wuz jus' guilty of a Bad Wardrobe Decision. But, whut th' hell; when we get a bit older our minds cloud over a bit, sometimes obscurin' Reason and Rationale, much like clouds passin' over a full moon. hmmmm.

th' cap't


Subject: It's Tornado Time in th' Neighborhood
Date:
Monday, June 13, 2005 6:38 PM

OK boyz and gurlz, it's that time of th' year again! Y'know, tornado season, so get out yer brooms and sweep out yer shelters and stock yer shelves with provisions.

I don't know why this time of year they don't just do away with th' TV listings all together and in place, jus' print a small notice sayin', "Nightly Severe Thunder Storms and Possible Tornado Sightings------All Channels---- All Night-----All Summer Long!!!!!" and be done with it!

th' cap't

P.S. Jus' a couple of nights ago they warned of a large funnel cloud over Paola, Kansas and th' peoples were warned ta' take IMMEDIATE safety measures. Katie said,"I mean, right now folks!! This is an Extremely Dangerous Situation. If you don't have a basement, get into your bath tub, BUT DO IT NOW!!!"
But it turned out ta' be a false alarm. It seems a certain Mrs. C. Little had mistakenly identified her neighbor's laundry flappin' on th' clothesline. But, better safe than sorry, eh!


Subject: Grief knows no bounds
Date:
Monday, June 13, 2005 5:15 PM

I read in today's paper where in San Francisco th' mother of a 12-year-old boy who wuz mauled ta' death by th' family's pit bulls said she wuz so concerned by th' behavior of th' male dog Rex, who wuz actin' strange cuz Ella wuz in heat, that she shut her son Nicky, in th' basement and pried th' door shut with a shovel so he couldn't get out. She had errands ta' run, ya' see. Some how or other, Nicky figured a way out. Who in th' world would think a twelve year old capable of such a feat, eh? Unbelievable!!

In an interview with th' Chronicle she said, "And I told him: 'Stay down there til I come back' Typical Nicky, he wouldn't listen to me."
(OH THAT NICKY. WHUT A RASCAL! TSK, TSK! I'LL BET HE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE BOUT DOIN' WHUT MOMMY SAYS, DON'CHA THINK!)

Perhaps feelin' jus' a tad guilty, she told th' interviewer, "It was Nicky's time to go. When you're born you're destined to go and this was his time."

Our hearts go out ta' her and we can only hope this whole Nuisance didn't prevent her from completing all her errands. And let's be honest, some times kids can be a nuisance, eh?

th' cap't

P.S. I'm thinkin' of an appropriate song in honor of Nicky called, "Nicky's time ta' go. Nicky's time ta' go! Cuuuuz..... Rex... got ahold.... of HIM!" sung to Leslie Gore's hit, "Judy's turn ta' cry! Judy's turn ta' cry!"
Whadda'ya think? Do ya' suppose Nicky's momma would spring fer a copy? I kinda doubt it. On reflection; I'm thinkin' Nicky may have actually been Lucky ta' have made it as long as he did.


Subject: Re: th' gurls fakin' th smokin' tale
Date:
Monday, June 13, 2005 5:48 AM

My buddy Gabby wrote me sayin' that he could picture Elaine, of Seinfeld, tossin' her head up and laughin' while blowin' some smoke out.

I agreed. I can also see it so clearly, I wonder if during their ten year run, where they poked fun at jus' about every absurd situation ya' can imagine, if there wuzn't an episode where Elaine, tryin' ta impress her boss or somethin' did that?

They covered jus' about everything else!

How could they have overlooked that scenario? Help me out here boyz and gurlz, did'ja ever see an episode about that?

th cap't


Subject: Wannabe Kool Katz
Date:
Monday, June 13, 2005 4:48 AM

Saturday nite, late, I wuz sittin' there at yer Fred P. Otts, in th' Country Club Plahza District, finishin' up th' evening, and I happened ta' notice this gurl. She wuz rappin' with this dude and every now and then, she would take a hit off her cigarette, and flip her head up and blow th' smoke upwards. It wuz so obvious she wuzn't inhalin'. I mean, is there any thing dumber lookin' than that? Ha ha.

Whut's th' point of smokin' if yer not gonna inhale? Ya' might try and justify it, sayin' maybe she jus' wanted ta' look cool, but in fact, there aren't many things that are more obvious and look dumber than that.

Watchin' her charade, I remembered one nite sittin there in that very place about six months ago. I had quit smokin' a few months earlier, but I decided I wanted a smoke, and so, fuck it, I lit up, but, takin' a page from Bill Clinton, I decided I wouldn't inhale. As I sat there goin' thru th' motions, I thought about how ridiculous it wuz fer me ta' be doin' that and how I hadn't done that fer fifty years. And so I inhaled th' last part of th' square.

It reminded me of when I wuz fourteen and first started smokin', but I didn't inhale. About a year later I wuz at a movie with a buddy and we were smokin' in th' john during intermission, y'know, leanin' against th' wall in our black leather jackets, and our ducktails, and jus' bein very cool and JD-like in general, and I took a drag and blew th' smoke outta' th' side of my mouth, y'know, tough guy style, and my buddy said in a loud accusatory, incredulous voice,

"Hey, you pussy! Yur not even inhalin'!"

and I thought,

"Oh shit. Busted!" but I said,

"Am too!"

And he said,

"Bullshit, ya' aren't either!"

And he dared me to take a drag and swallow th' smoke. And so, I did! Well sheeit, I had'ta, didn't I?! And godam! I jus' about passed out. My knees went weak and I literally stated slidin' down th' wall until I wuz squattin', much ta' my buddy's amusement. If I hadn't been leanin' against that wall at th' time, I would fallen over fer sure. Man! I couldn't believe that thas' whut happened every time some one took a drag off a cig. I remembered how foolish and embarrassed I wuz ta' be found out so easily. So, I went home and practiced for a couple of weeks. I would take little tiny hits until I wuz finally able ta' take a normal, decent sized drag.

I wanted ta' pass that bit of advice on ta' her, but I figured,

"Nah. None of my bizness. Not my place."

Then I noticed another gurl doin' th' same thing. And a few minutes later a third gurl, ditto! No shit!! All three of these chikz tryin' ta' be cool... tossin' their heads about while blowin' out their smoke, but instead, jus' lookin' plain silly in th' process. I had ta' chuckle over that a bit. Ha ha.

Th' things we do ta' be hip sometimes, eh!

th' cap't

P.S. Oh yeah, I also saw two different guyz rappin' to peoples at their tables and they were both obviously recounting telephone conversations they had had, cuz they were both usin' th' ol' thumb and little finger extended ta' simulate a telephone. Ha ha. Maybe ya' recall me mentioning this absurdity a few days back. I wanted badly ta' tell 'em ta' knock it off, but once again, I desisted. Oft times, when one is surrounded by Rookies, hard tho it may be, one has ta' exercise restraint, ya' know whut I mean!


Subject: Fuck New York
Date:
Monday, June 13, 2005 3:19 AM

Ya' ever read or hear any one talkin' bout' “up-state New York?” Whut's th' deal with that? How come New York is th' only state thas' got an "up-state"?

Ya' ever hear bout' up-state South Carolina? Ya' ever been ta' up-state Kansas? How bout up-state Delaware? I mean, even peoples in Los Angeles don't talk bout San Francisco bein' "up-state". So.... how come New York gets this singular distinction?

Huh? How come?

th cap't


Subject: RE: Th' Full Moon Scene; with passin' clouds
Date:
June 12, 2005 5:04 PM

My buddy, Mistuh Booga', wrote me to tell me that th' full moon is a masculine lunar archetype and further, that archetypes can have powerful effect on mood and emotions in many peoples.

So, whut I wanna' know is; are these directors aware of this? Are they doin' this consciously or whut? Or, are they actin' as unwitting accomplices in some one else's nefarious scheme? Jus' exactly whut is their Agenda anyway? Is there some kinda conspiracy involved? And more ta' th' point; is it directed at MOI?
I'm wonderin', are Dick Nixon's fingerprints ta' be found any where in this caper?

He would be my prime suspect! Or as they say in these days, "a person of interest". Ya' notice how law enforcement types today don't have, "SUSPECTS" any more, only "persons of interest". Go figure! If ya' got any clues, lemme' know.

As ya' know from past ruminations, Nixon and I don't like each other. He has been tryin' ta' get revenge on me ever since I used my influence in California (even tho I wuz only 18) ta' deny him th' Governorship there some 45 years ago.

In a bitter concession speech. ostensibly referrin' ta' th press, he said,
"You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around any more!"

But I knew better. I knew he wuzn't gonna' fold his tent and silently slip away inta' th' night. I knew he'd be back. I never slept soundly after that, knowin' he wuz off in his lair, cacklin' and plottin' his comeback

Sure enuff, in 1970, bein' President, his enmity towards me not lessened one bit over ten years, he used some of his stooges to harass me on trumped-up charges and sent me off ta' meditate on my naer-do-well ways.

Today some peoples still don't believe he's dead. Some peoples believe he faked his death. That peoples would be ME!! I think Elvis may have given him some pointers on how ta' go about it. I know he's still out there plotting against me any way he can. I'm thinkin' he's usin those moon shot scenes ta' undermine me in some inexplicable fashion, but I jus' can't figure it out. Whut is th' purpose of it all? Well sheeit, who can fathom th' mysterious workins' of a devious mind such as his, eh?!

All I can do is try ta' limit my exposure ta' his insidious influence. From now on, I'm gonna' find out before hand, if th' movie I'm rentin' or goin' ta' see, has any objectionable scenes in it, like, shots of th' full moon with clouds passin over.

th' cap't

P.S. I can't help but wonder whut kind of impression these scenes are havin' on our youth? Do th' good peoples of th' Kansas Board of Education know about this threat? As always, th' questions are many, tho answers be few!


Subject: Multi-tasking Artist
Date:
Friday, June 10, 2005 4:33 PM

Last night I'm sittin there in th' saloon. It's dark and smoky andthere's a band playin' rilly loud. I happened ta' notice this dude sittin' a couple of stools away and he's leanin' with his nose jus' inches away from th' bar and he's writin' somethin'. I thought he wuz workin' a crossword puzzle.

I glanced over in his direction a few minutes later and I now see he's got a brush in his hand and he's workin' with some water colors! Ha ha. Th' dude is creatin' a work of Art right there in th' saloon!!

I know this clown mus' be sittin' there thinkin' how cool he is, and how every one else mus' be thinkin' th' same thing....y'know, look there! th' young Artist..... Creating a Work of Art in a bar, no less, oblivious ta' th' noise and chaos all around him, concentratin' on his Art! Obviously, one very cool, hip character, eh!

While I wuz watchin' him, he got a phone call. So now he's holdin' th' phone in his left hand up ta' his right ear and is continuing ta' do his brushwork with his right hand. I thought he might put his brush down fer a sec, y'know, but noooooo, he can't be interrupted. There are no Higher Priorities than th' Art, ya' dig!. So, he wuz rappin' and doin' his 'art thing' at th' same time.

He wuz on th' phone fer at least 35-40 minutes. When he finally got off th' phone, he got up ta' go ta' th' bathroom and so, outta' curiosity, I stepped over ta' check out his creation. I stepped back over ta' my stool chucklin' and shakin' my head in wonderment. Ha ha. All I can say is.... th' next time this dude gets a call while he's workin' on his Art, he needs ta' call his party back later, cuz like, this dude don't need no distractions while he's workin'! Nah, cuz like, whut he had created there looked like somthin' yer kindergartener might bring home from school. After a couple obligatory "Oooohs" and "Ahhhhs" and a day on th' refrigerator it would find it's rightful place in th' trash can. But, I'm sure he would disagree. He prolly found th' conversation inspirational. Artists!!!

th' cap't

P.S. Ya' already know how I feel bout cell phones and drivin'! Now this guy has got me thinkin' bout cell phones and Artists. I got ta' thinkin' bout how if Vincent had had a cell phone there in Arles, interruptin' him alla' time. Workin' in that hot searing sun all afternoon, in th' middle of a golden wheat field, bad hangover from all th' absinthe from th' previous evenin', talkin' ta' Theo, with th' huge crows, flyin' and squawkin' about goin',

"Hey yo Theo, I'm tryin' ta' work here!! How bout givin' me a little slack, huh? It's hard fer me ta' be creatin' masterpieces when yer callin' every ten minutes! I lose my concentration"

And I'm wonderin' whut effect it mighta' had on his oeuvre?


Subject: Th' most pervasive movie scene cliche EVER!!
Date:
Friday, June 10, 2005 3:14 PM

This cliche is every where. It started no doubt in horror/mystery movies, but now ya' can't get away from it.

Th' scene: A shot of th' full moon with some clouds passin' in front of it.

Think about it! Ya've seen that scene hundreds of times. Now one can understand it's place in certain genres where it's supposed ta' invoke a sense of dread, or fear, or mystery, or suspense, y'know, somthin' like that. All directors of such material continue ta' use it even tho it's been done ta' death, and then again some!! Over and over ad nauseum. But, no matter. Ya' jus' can't get away from it.
Watch any CSI. Any episode of Survivor will have at least three shots of it. Same with Amazing Race.

But then, you will see this in th' most unexpected places. I can't believe how many times I've been watchin' some show, and it could be any damn thing, and all of a sudden, there's this brief shot of th' full moon and it has absolutely nothin' whut-so-ever ta' do with any thing that's goin' on. And I'm wonderin',

"Why in th' fuck did they jus' show a shot of th' full moon with clouds passin' by partially obscurin' it?"

If ya' pay attention you will even see this scene in sit-coms fer some unfathomable reason. I mean, it's like a director says ta' some body,

"Hey, this here would be a good place ta' put that moon shot in."

And one of his assistants goes, "But Sid, this is a scene where Joey loses an important phone number."

"I don't give a shit. Jus give me th' godam full moon shot!"

"OK. OK. Take it easy, will'ya! Hey boss, ya' want passin' clouds with that, or whut?"

OK boyz and gurlz, keep yer eyes peeled and watch fer it. Ya' gotta pay attention now, cuz ya've seen it so many times, it hardly even registers. It flashes on and ya' don't even think about it, but next time ya' see it ask yerself,

"Why did they jus' show me a picture of th' full moon? Whut does it mean?"

th' cap't


Subject: Peoples WANTA' believe!!
Date:
Saturday, June 4, 2005 5:03 PM

Our Kansas City Royals, as ya' may have heard else where, are th' worst team in baseball. How then ta' explain a sweep of th' Yankees and winnin' th' first game with Texas.

If ya' count 'em up; thas FOUR in a row! This is roughly th' equivalent of turning water inta' wine. And a wine with a bold, audacious nose ta' boot!

Last nite, a “gurl-type” friend of mine suggested that this was perhaps only th' beginnin; that they could possibly make th' playoffs. OK, boyz and gurlz, this is where we do a loud, prolonged, major GUFFAW. Y'know,th' kind thas' get ya' holdin' yer stomach.

I don't know whether they won their game this afternoon or not, but if they did, th' World Series is not outta' th' picture; at least ta' some peoples. Yeah, right! We might as well talk about Democracy in Iraq. And speakin' of Iraq, if they ever should attain Democracy there, there won't be anyone left ta' enjoy it. (sorry, got sidetracked there)

Th' cap't, part time sports guru at large, PREDICTS,

AT TH' END OF TH' SEASON, TH' ROYALS WILL STILL BE TH' WORST TEAM IN BASEBALL

And ya' know why? Cuz...THEY'RE TH' WORST TEAM IN BASEBALL, thas' why!!!

Sorry boyz and gurlz, I know thas' not whut ya' wanted ta' hear, but thas' whut th' chicken entrails said. And who am I ta' dispute th' immutable Laws of Nature! Fer further confirmation, take a sharp right at th' Fold in th' Time Warp and ya'll see whut I'm sayin'.

Th' sometimes Sports Sage, th' cap't


Subject: Yogurt
Date:
Saturday, June 4, 2005 4:25 PM

A conversation I had a couple of days ago with an elderly lady I drive about, on th' way ta' th' beauty salon.

Her: "There's a man in my apartment building who is a yogurt expert."

Me: "Oh really."

Her: "Yes, he even teaches classes right there in th' building."

Me: "In yogurt? I'll be darned."

Her: "My sister said I should enroll, but at my age I don't think so."

Me: "Well, I wouldn't think age would have much to do with it. It's never too late ta' learn."

Her: "There's no way I could twist these old bones around like a pretzel. I'd break." (This is where th' flash went off in my head. Y'know, th' breakthru ta' understanding.)

Me: "Well, there are some kinds of Yoga which older peoples Can do."

Her: “Oh my gosh. Did you say ‘Yoga?’” Goodness gracious! Some how I knew yogurt didn't sound quite right."

And we both chuckled and chortled over that. When we arrived at th' salon, I helped her outta' th' car and I told her I could pick up a carton of raspberry yoga fer a little snack later on and she said, "Oh you!"

And we did “Take Two” of th' chuckling scene.

th' cap't


Subject: Jus' searchin' fer a friend
Date:
Friday, June 3, 2005 11:30 AM

Hey ya'll, I'm wonderin' if ya' could help me out. I'm tryin' ta' get a message ta' a friend of mine, but I'm havin' a bit of difficulty.

Th' last I heard, he wuz in South Africa, Johannesburg, I believe. He's a kinda tall, rangy dude, mebbe 6' 2-3" tall, and has black, kinda curly hair. He answers ta' th' name, "Kurt".

If ya' see him, jus' tell him th' cap't said, "Yo, Kurt."

Thanks fer yur help. I knew I could count on ya'!

th' cap't


Subject: Old favorite expressions from days of yore
Date:
Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:35 PM

"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!"

If yer an older individual, perhaps ya' remember th' Adventures of Mighty Mouse and recall "Oil Can Harry". He wuz Mighty Mouse's nemesis. He wuz a tall lanky cat who always sported a three-quarter length black coat and had a thin mustache that curled up at th' ends and he wuz always twistin' it jus' so.
He also wore a nice, shiny, black top hat. See, appearances were always important ta' "Oil Can".

Whutever disparagin' things ya' might say bout' "Oil Can Harry", and there wuz plenty, cuz he definitely wuz a naer-do-well, he wuz always sartorially splendid in his black threads, while goin' on about his nefarious business.

Harry y'see, had a nasty habit of tyin' Mitzi Mouse, who wuz Mighty Mouse's main squeeze, ta' th' railroad tracks. I don't remember jus' exactly why Harry felt th' compulsion ta' do this; maybe it wuz jus' his hobby or somthin? Who knows whut Evil lurks in th' hearts of cats, eh?

But, in any case, as a result of Harry's fixation on this, Mitzi spent a good portion of her time trussed up there on th' railroad tracks, while Harry lurked about behind a tree tweakin' th' ends of his mustache in anticipation of th' train and Mitzi's subsequent demise......but, invariably, at th' last second...... Mighty Mouse..... would swoop in, jus' in th' nick of time ta' save th' day, thus causin' Harry ta' shriek,

"CURSES. FOILED AGAIN!

th' cap't

P.S.Another favorite expression of mine is, "ZOUNDS". Mayhap, ya' recall DR. SIVANA, who wuz Captain Marvel's nemesis; HE used ta' say, "ZOUNDS!" as did I, in similar situations when Captain Marvel would disrupt our plans fer World Domination. Tho DR. SIVANA would have ridiculed Oil Can Harry's ambitions as rather limited and petty, when it came ta' "lookin' good", he wuz, as I recall, slovenly and unkempt in appearance. I don't think he ever put a comb ta' use, but whut th' hell, when ya' think about it, not such unusual behavior in a mad scientist, eh!?


Subject: Don't do this!!!
Date:
Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:41 AM

Do ya' ever have someone tell ya' about a phone conversation they had and they make that “phone thing” by extendin' their thumb and little finger ta' simulate a phone? And then they recreate th' conversation by talkin' inta their 'phone'?! Thanks fer th' clue fuckhead, but thas' rilly not necessary.

Do these fuckin' peoples think we're not imaginative enuff ta' understand that they wuz talikin' on th' phone unless they do that stupid hand thing? C'mon!

I see so many guests on various talk shows who do this. Where did this mindless shit start any way? Didn't Bob Newhart used ta' do a comedy skit where he did that? Is he responsible fer all this? I'd be willin' ta' wager that these same peoples pack whack their cigarette packs too! Th' intelligence level strike me as about equal.

So, awright boyz and gurlz....don't do that th' next time yer relatin' a phone conversation ta' me ya' had. I don't know why exactly, but it bugs me. OK! Cuz, like, we, myself included, are perfectly capable of comprehendo th' scenario without th' visual clue.

So, knock it off.

th' cap't



              
              
                 

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