July 1, 2005
Dreck is The Captain...sidekick of Duckman, owner of cheap tires.
Do you think God ever changes his mind?
Date: Wednesday, June 29, 2005 7:08 PM
Th' Injustice jus' don't stop!
Date: Monday, June 27, 2005 6:07 PM
Every time I see that Cleveland Indians logo, I can't believe they
are still allowed ta' use that blatantly racist image as a symbol
of their baseball team. Look at it! Ya' got a big, red-skinned, gap-toothed,
shit-eatin grin on 'im, with a cartoonish face, with big bulgin' eyes
and a feather on th' back of his head, Lookit th' expression on his
face!! And Man, those teeth would do a beaver proud. And this is supposed
ta' be an American Indian?
And these Washington Redskins? Say whut!! Th' Redskins!! Peoples
in Cleveland and Washington say they don't know whut th' fuss is all
about? That there's nothin' derogatory in their name and logo. That
it's all jus' in fun. That th' Injuns actually like it, y'know, like,
th' slaves; a lot of 'em actually liked that too, cuz everything wuz
provided fer 'em. Well, at least a lotta' th' crackers said so anyway.
Think of Washington, our Nation's Capitol and Symbol of Freedom,
Democracy, and Equality, (god it wuz hard ta' write that with a straight
face) I think they oughta' give up th' rights ta' their Redskins name
and donate it ta' th' Cleveland Indians. I think th' Cleveland Redskins
would be more in keepin' with their logo. All in good-natured fun
Well sure! Th' same way if ya' had a big-lipped, flat nosed, cannibal-like,
black Sambo, as th' logo fer th' Detroit Darkies! How do ya' think
that would go over in th' African-American community? Not so good,
I venture. Could ya' even imagine such a thing? I don't hardly think
Or maybe, how bout a fat Mexican Gordo, with a big droopin' mustache,
with a big sombrero, propped up and sleepin' against a cactus, with
an empty bottle of tequila in his hand? That'd make a great logo fer
th' San Diego Wetbacks, don'cha think?
Whut about th' Atlanta Rednecks? With a blond, tow-haired, freckled-faced,
gap-toothed freak with a grass stem hangin' outta' his slack-jawed
mouth? All in good natured fun of course.
Whut about th' New Yawk Spics?
Well, ya' could go on and on, y'know. Go ahead boyz and gurlz; make
uo yer own names and logos fer yer favotite team!
But do ya' suppose anyone would have any kind of objections ta' those
scenarios? Well, of couse!! I mean, even th' suggestion is sooo outrageous
as ta' be absurd. Right! And yet...........and yet,.....we have th'
Cleveland Indians and th' Washington Redskins, and, like,
Man, If I wuz a Native/American I would be screamin' and yellin'
my head off about this, until some body finally did somthin' about
it, or until hell froze over; which ever came first. I'm thinkin'
th' latter, rather than th' former, would be th' more likely outcome.
"NO PROBLEM", th' expression
Date: Monday, June 27, 2005 2:44 PM
Th' following below happened four years ago. This expression wuz
in it's infancy then, explainin' my over-reaction to it at th' time
I suppose. I don't mean, it hadn't been around fer a long time; jus'
not in th' context it wuz used then and today. Of course today, it's
usage is widespread and ubiquitous. You'll hear it daily and frequently.
It's still jarring ta' me tho. I still haven't gotten completely used
ta' it. No one sez 'Thank you' or "You're welcome", any
more! "No problem has effectively replaced them both. And it's
used in so many other different ways too, like, fr'instance, if ya'
say ta' some one,
"Hey, it's good ta' see ya' again."
Their response could easily be,
"Hey, no problem."
When some one hands ya' yer food order and ya' say, "thanks",
they say, "No problem".
When YOU hand some one their food order and ya' say, "Burger
and fries, Here ya' go. Thanks for coming in."
They go, "No problem."
You can now use this phrase in just about any kind of situation that
requires some kind of response from you.
Th' expression went from one where ya' employed it ta' let some one
know that even tho ya' were takin' extra measures on yer part ta'
help them in some way, it was OK, cuz ya' didn't mind goin' th' extra
distance. Today it simply means,
"I see you and hear you!"
Last night I was trying to order a beer. There were only 5 or 6 peoples
sitting there at the time, so they weren't busy at all. The bartender
was engaged in a conversation, you see, down at the other end of the
bar. Finally I got his attention. I said,
"Hey yo, Jack, give me another beer will'ya?"
He noticed me gesturing in his direction and he came on down and
"Whadda'ya' need, Charlie?"
and I said, "Gimme another beer!"
and he said, "No problem."
and I said.
and he said, "No problem." once again.
And I got a bit animated here and said,
"WHAT??? Are you sure it's not a problem for you to get me a
beer?? Well gee, thanks, I'm rilly glad to hear that....y'know, that
it won't be a problem for you....but I mean...... isn't that what
you do? Isn't that why this place is here? Peoples come in.... they
give you money....you give them a drink. Right?! So.... you're just
trying to re-assure me then, huh, that you don't have a problem giving
me a beer? Well fucking thanks! Thanks a lot!! I feel a lot better
knowin I'm not causing you any problems here."
"Hey, what's the matter with you tonight Charley?"
and I said, "Hey, NO PROBLEM. OK!!"
So...later on in the evening I go to my late hours place and I said,
"Hey Susie, gimme a beer will ya?"
and Susie said,
"Not a problem."
I groaned. Sheeit! Once again, I wasn't causing anyone any problems
in spending my money. Man!.That makes ya' feel good, doesn't it!?
You know, there was a time in the service industry when you ordered
something...a drink, a hamburger, y'know, something or other and the
person waiting on you would say, "'OK'.....or, "sure thing"...or,
"coming right up" or some other affirmative response, anything
to give you the impression they liked and appreciated yer bizness...NOW...they
just tell you it won't be a problem. Sheeeit.
Well, like I said, that wuz four years ago and today, like it or
not, I have had ta' accept and ignore th' implications of whut it
actually means, as compared ta' th' common, ordinary way it is currently
employed by this, whut I affectionately refer ta' as, Th' Dumbed-Down-Generation.
It also useta' piss me off when I'd be relatin' some story and my
listener would say, "GET OUT!" as tho I'd been bullshittin'
'em! And I'd say,
"Hey Fuck You!! Thas exactly th' way it happened!! Whadda'ya
think, I jus' make up these stories fer shits and grins?"
Or else, when I'm rappin' and th' listener sez,
And then I go,
"Hey, FUCK YOU! awright!!"
and I'm surprised when they're surprised at my vehement response!!
Cuz I'm thinkin; who in th' fuck are you ta' tell me ta' shut up?
And they're sayin,
"Hey Charlie; Chill. It's just an expression! OK? I wuzn't tellin'
ya' ta' shut up!"
And I'm goin, "Well, it sure as hell sounded like thas' exactly
whut ya' jus' said ta' me!"
It took a few times like this, before I could let that slide, and
not interfere with th' flow of th' tale, as ut were. Hey peoples,
I'm slow, OK? but eventually I catch on.
Ya' know whut's gonna be rilly hard ta' take in th' Future? That
is, when th' expression, "Fuck you!" starts ta' replace,
"No problem". I mean, rilly, think about it. Ya' order yer
food and when it arrives ya' say, rememberin' whut yer momma and Ms.Manners
"Thank you" or "No problem."
and they answer in return,
Or like, when ya' help an elderly lady person across th' street and
"OK then. You all right now Mam?"
and she looks at you sweetly while her head is bobbin' around on
her shoulders and sez,
"FUCK YOU young man!"
Thas' gonna' take some attitudinal adjustment, eh? Sheeit. Hey boyz
and gurlz, why wait fer th' Future ta' come sneakin' and slitherin'
up on us? Let's start that shit right now. Let's be th' Vanguard of
th' Ultra-Hip. Every time yer in a situation that calls fer a "Thank
you" or a, "You're welcome", substitute a hearty, "FUCK
YOU!" instead! And fer those who take offense, explain ta' them,
in a condescendin' manner and tone, that YOU ARE, in fact, on th'
cutting edge of Hipness; and whut th' fuck is their problem? And they
might retort with a,
"No problem ese. FUCK YOU too!!"
and th' snowball begins ta' roll!
Elian Gonzales. He's baaaack!
Date: Monday, June 27, 2005 4:18 AM
I wuz watchin Jerry Springer th' other night and Jerry's schezhuled
guest; th' lesbian dwarf who wuz reputed ta' be havin' an affair with
Ellen DeGenares wuz admitted ta' a hospital after takin' an overdose
of lentils, after a lover's spat.
So, the producers chose Elian Gonzales, the Cuban Ambassador to the
United States, as a last minute fill in.
He wuz really quite impressive fer a 12 year old kid. In a wide ranging
interview coverin' many different topics. Havin' lived in Florida
hisself, his perspectives on various issues were clear and succinct.
He handled himself with grace and natural aplomb, adroitly sidesteppin'
th' matter of whether he wuz doin' th' Makarena at th' Wakarusa.
About half way through th' interview, as they were discussin' th'
implications of Big Foot vis a vis relations between our two countries,
one of th' show's staffers came on camera and whispered fer a few
seconds in Jerry's ear. Jerry furrowed his brow pensively; y'know
th' way he does that, and then said in a grave and ominous voice,
"Senor Ambassador Gonzales, it has just been brought to my attention, that since the United States and
Cuba do not have formal relations; therefore we do not have Ambassadors!
Tell me Sir, does it bother you to find out that you aren't actually
an Ambassador after all?"
Elian replied with that impish Elian grin we have seen so many times
before, "Nada! Nada bit!"
Springer: "Well then Sir, would you care to comment on the rumors
that you will be taking power when Fidel dies, or if we're ever able
to actually assassinate him?"
Elian, once again with the grin, "Si. I am the Walrus!"
This is th' part where Jerry furrowed his brow yet once again; he's
perplexed. Something's not quite right, something's a little bit out
of whack, but he can't quite put his finger on it. So then, Jerry
(and it's always easy to spot Jerry cuz he's th' one whose got a sign
in his hand saying Jerry Springer, lest he should forget I suppose)
appears ta' be bitin' his knuckle fer some reason, (Jerry has a wide
range of visual emotional responses) and in tryin' ta' extirpate himself
from a difficult situation, and bein' a former mayor, a political
animal at heart, rumored to be lookin' ta' the Presidency himself
next time around, asks Elian,
"So Senor Ambassador, in the future, when I become the Presidente
of the United Corporations of Amerika, and let me just say here, "God
bless Amerika!", and you, in turn have become El Supremo de Cuba,
would you be willing to make a bold gesture, with myself, as a move
towards reconciliation between our two great Nations? Sir, I am talking
here about no less than the formal Exchange of Exotic Dancers!!!"
And Elian, without missing a beat replied, "Si. I am The Walrus,
OO Ku KaChu."
And Jerry, unable ta' contain himself at his diplomatic coup, jumped
out of his seat, pumping his fist in the air in a gesture of wild
exhileration and exclaimed,
"YEAH! YEAH!! OOO WEEEE! HOT CUBAN CHIQUITAS!! AWRIGHT!!!"
And th' audience got caught up in th' frenzy of th' moment and were
jumpin' up and down and pumpin' their fists in th' air too, and screamin'
"JERRR-RII, JERRR-RII" So th' show ended on a positive note.
It wuz really quite interestin' ta' listen ta' th' various pundits
after th' show, splaining' ta' us whut wuz jus' said and tryin' ta'
characterise Señor Gonzalez response.
One guy said he saw th' "Si" as a positive sign. Th' next guy said he had a problem with that "I" part and wanted it defined more clearly, Like, whut exactly did he mean by, "I"? Th' next person thought th' "Am" part, that "to be" thing, ta be quite confusin'. Another found th' "the" aspect disturbin'. He said he wuzn't in ta' "article"' and wuz suspicious of peoples who used them so casually. Well ya' can surely imagine th' collective consternation they all had with th' "Walrus" part and especially that, "OO KU KaChu" bit at th' end of his statement. They're still debatin' whut th' fuck thas' all about?
Personally, I don't know either, but being an Elian booster I jus'
know it's gotta be somthin' good.
P.S. So th' next time you're feeling kinda low, lookin' fer somthin'
ta' cheer ya up; just remember,
Th' Joy of th' Laundry
Date: Friday, June 24, 2005 5:35 PM
Tho I hate doin' laundry and I put it off constantly, until finally,
I have nothing left ta' wear, I gotta' admit, it has it's hidden rewards.
Like, today, fr'instance, I found two fifty dollar bills in th' dryer
when I wuz finished.
This happens ta' me fairly frequently. Otherwise I'd prolly jus'
go out and buy new clothes every few weeks. Like, last year I found
96 dollars during one session, in a combination of ten's, twenty's
and one's. That wuz cool!! But th' two fifty's today was Real sweet.
Of course th' joy of findin' this money is some whut offset by th'
fact that, some where in th' preceding weeks, I had left it in a shirt
or pair of pants and that it wuz mine ta' begin with. Some peoples
"Well sheeit, Big deal! So whut! All ya' did wuz find yer own
But see, bein' an optimistic kinda person, always lookin' at th'
bright side of things, always thinkin' positively, all I cn' say is;
"Dog doo-doo on you doomhead!"
cuz, like, no matter whut ya' say, after deducting th' cost of th'
laundry mission itself, I now have about 90 bucks more than I had
when I walked inta' th joint. And thas' OK by me!!.
Controversy at th' Wakarusa Festival
Date: Thursday, June 23, 2005 5:09 PM
Th' Makarena at th' Wakarusa? Thas' whut some of my sources are claiming.
A high-level government official. speaking on condition of anonymity,
told a highly respected investigative reporter (that would be moi)
that th' Makarena had in fact, been performed at th' Makarusa!! I
wuz shocked! I said,
"Huh? Whudda' ya' kiddin'? Are ya' sure? TH' MAKARENA AT TH'
MAKARUSA? Man! That jus' don't sound right ta' me!"
According to this official, who shall remain nameless, y'know, since
he wuz speakin' on condition of anonymity, Elian Gonzales was given
a secret temporary visa to perform there. This, in an effort to ease
persistent tensions between th' USA and Cuba, ongoing fer th' past
Personal friends of mine, in attendance, confirmed that they saw
him there and that he wuz in fact doin' th' Makerena. We already know
from other intelligence sources that he has been seen in various Havana
discos in th' past, doin' th' Makarena, so we know he's capable of
Perhaps this is a response ta a lotta' peoples reaction when word
first surfaced on his Makarena machinations in Cuba. Peoples here
were miffed! After all, he didn't do no steeenking Makarena when he
wuz our guest for 6-8 months and we bought him every kinda toy a 7
year old kid could ask for, in an attempt ta' persuade him that Democracy
wuz better than th' Totalitarianism of Fidel Castro, this fuckin'
kid decided that bein' with his dad wuz more important. Then he goes
back ta' Cuba and then does th' Makarena!! Ingrate bastard!
While discussing his sighting, my friends also commented on th' excellent
quality of th' 'shrooms' and said they were surprised ta' see Tom
Cruise, and Jennifer Wiilibanks joining him onstage there.
Was Elian actually there? Like I said,
If he wuz there; did he do th' Makarena?
Once again, "I dunno."
Is this a clumsy attempt on th' Government's part ta' reach out ta'
th' Cuban nation, much like Nixon's overtures towards th' Chinese
Commie bastards? ie; th' ping-pong diplomacy. Once again,
But, th' rumor persists.
P.S. Makarena? Wakarusa? Tonga? Cucamonga? Baja Cali for nia? Bora Bora? Patagonia? They all seem rather silly dances ta' me, like, did'ja ever see anyone doin' th' Cucamonga? Thas' allways good fer a few laughs, eh.
Date: Thursday, June 23, 2005 4:11 PM
A little while ago I wuz behind this SUV and th' driver jus' happened
ta' be a little blond, ponytailed gurl, not that that's pertinent
ta' anything, of course.
I mean, it doesn't really matter whut color her hair wuz, or whut
knda vehicle she happened ta' be drivin'. I jus' happened ta' mention
it. Cuz, it's not like I got anything against young, blonde haired
gurls wearin' ponytails drivin' giant Suv's or anything! Did I happen
ta' mention she wuz wearin' shades?
Well, no matter!! Anyway..... she had a message painted on her back
window that read,
and I thought,
"C'mon sweetie, do ya' really think th' peoples behind ya' give
a shit that today's yer birthday? Yeah we know, it's a "Special
Day" you share, with only about 20 million other peoples in th'
But as I pulled alongside her, I figured,
"Oh whut th' hell!" and so....
I honked my horn!!
And then....I flipped her th' finger!
Happy Birthday from th cap'm
Bush meets with Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai
Date: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 8:43 PM
This is Amazing! Our President is meeting and discussing issues with the prime minister of the country we fought a ten year war with, at th' conclusion of which, we left with our tails between our legs and left Vietnam a Communist country, which is what we were ostensibly there to prevent in the first place.
For those who don't like th' characterization of us as leaving, "with
our tails between our legs," I simply ask you to look at some
of the footage of the evacuation of Saigon with American soldiers
rifle butting Vietnamese civilians, clinging to helicopter skids in
a desperate attempt to escape. The pandemonium and chaos that ensued
were not exactly what you'd call, "an orderly withdrawal".
Some 58,000+ Americans killed, hundreds of thousands wounded; all
for naught. We had accomplished absolutely nothing of what we had
intended. Vietnamese losses, one and a half to two million, maybe
more, who knows, altho at least gaining Independence for themselves
as a result of their sacrifices.
A ten-year disaster tore th' fabric of this country apart, politically,
economically and socially, pitting fathers against sons, brother against
brother, friend against friend.
Now, I'm not against this rapprochement at all. I mean, within ten
years of fighting a World War with Germany, Japan and Italy with worldwide
casualties estimated at 50 million, our former bitter enemies were
our staunch friends and allies within fifteen years, against th' common
enemy, the godless Russian and Chinese Commies bent on World Domination.
These were our Cold War foes for 40+ years, where we collectively
spent hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars, perhaps a trillion,
or more, so we could wipe each other off the face of the earth, should
we feel it was necessary, perhaps in the process wiping out the human
species all together. With the prevailing attitude that, "some
times ya' gotta' do whut ya' gotta' do!" I mean, of course you
would hate to wipe out all Humanity, but defending Freedom and Democracy
sometimes requires great Sacrifice, and we were prepared to do that,
if those rat-bastard Commies pushed us too far.
Today, probably half the goods we buy, regardless of what they are,
come from China. We're buddies today with the godless Chinee, cuz
they make a lotta' stuff we want and they make 'em real cheap.
We have had an economic blockade of Cuba that's been in place for
over forty years!! You can go on vacation to Russia, China, Vietnam,
but don't even think about going to Cuba. North Korea would probably
be the only country on earth harder for an Amerikan to travel to.
Why is that, do you suppose? Do the Cubans pose some kind of military
threat to us? Is their GNP in danger of surpassing us as the leading
economic factor in the world? Is the Cuban peso about to shunt the
dollar, the yen, and the Euro aside? Are they harboring large quantities
of Weapons of Mass Destruction, which they may unleash on us at any
minute? (I sure hope geo. bush didnt read that. i wouldn't want to
give him any ideas) What is the basis for our Cuban policy that has
been in effect for forty five years now?
Eisenhower started it, and then Kennedy assumed it with the ill conceived,
ill executed invasion of Cuba by a motley bunch of unemployed Cubans,
with catastrophic results, much to Kennedy's everlasting embarrassment
Next came Johnson, then Nixon, then Ford, then Carter, then Reagan,
then Bush 1, then Clinton, then Bush 2. That's ten administrations
and all of them following the same hard line! The Cubans are still
pariahs in the eyes of every Amerikan government since 1959!! Why?
Now, I have a theory about why our govt's attitude toward Cuba is
so unyielding and intransigent. There is no wiggle-factor here at
all. (originally you thought this was maybe a small observation about
Bush's meeting, didn't you?) I think Fidel Castro, tiring of the CIA's
constant bungling attempts to assassinate him, going so far as to
hire the Mafia to hit him, fr'chrissake, decided to take Kennedy down
first. I believe that our government thought he was behind Kennedy's
assassination, but unable to prove it, then declared Fidel Castro
persona non grata forever, or as long as he shall live at least, and
subsequently, the entire nation of Cuba responsible for his death,
and decided that as long as Fidel was in power and alive, we would
never forgive him, thus making the Cuban peoples have to share the
burden. I can think of no other reason why this attitude towards Cuba
has gone on for so long.
I could be wrong tho!
Oh, those celebrities! They're a stitch!!
Date: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 12:52 PM
I wuz readin' some where in th' last couple of days 'bout Ben Afflect.
Ya' remember him? It seems, according ta' this person, who jus' finished
makin' a movie with Ben, that he is a big practical joker on th' set.
This guy mentioned how one of Ben's favorite gags is ta' come up
behind some one seated and rest his scrotum on their shoulders!! Ha
But frankly, I personally think that is jus' sooo tacky, and in bad
taste, don't you! I mean, ya' gotta wonder if his momma didn't teach
him any manners at all, y'know, like,
"Benny, stop that. It's not nice to rest your balls on guests
I would consider that very annoying and rude behavior. When I wuz
a kid I useta' like ta' play practical jokes too, but mine were limited
ta' whoopie cushions and fake dog doo-doo and things of that nature.
This one woulda' been 'over th' top', so to speak.
If, Ben and I ever make a movie together, a rather unlikely event
considerin' th' direction, like, straight downhill, his career has
been goin' th' last few years, and Ben ever pulled that little joke
on me, I'm thinkin' Ben's next gig would be with th' Vienna Boyz Choir!!
There are a few things that really bug me.
Thas' not too much ta' ask, is it??!
P.S. I'm wonderin' if there might be some connection between Ben's
career slide and his practical jokes? Y'know, like, directors sayin',
"No! No, I don't wanta' work with that mook, cuz, ten minutes
inta production I'll have his balls restin' on my shoulders!"
Th' Future is here. Now!!
Date: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:12 AM
I wuz sittin' in my car at Loose park readin' th' paper, jus' killin'
some time in th' outdoors, and this cute gurl came runnin' by. She
went floating by and tho she wuz runnin' at a pretty good clip, she
wuzn't bouncin' up and down, but runnin' very fluidly and smoothly,
with no apparent effort. But still, her pony tail wuz swishin' rhythmically
back and forth, side ta' side.
She ran with her back very upright and rigid and her head wuz propped
up on her slender neck, also very rigid and straight. Man, whut great
posture she had, even runnin'!
She wuz wearin' a bright red shade of lipstick, altho her face wuz
a very pale white. She wuz starin' straight ahead, chin slightly out
thrust, and she didn't so much as glance ta' th' side, neither left
nor right, and her face wuz totally devoid of expression of any kind.
Mask like!! There wuz nothing there at all. She wuz completely oblivious
ta' all around her. Th' cliche, "no one home" fit her perfectly.
But th' most striking thing about her wuz th' movement of her arms,
in a very strange, robotic, herky-jerky fashion, her hands splayed
out in an un-gainly, un-elegant manner. It wuz such a contrast to
th' smooth, even flow of th' rest of her, it wuz jarring. It threw
everything off. Somethin' jus' wuzn't right, but I couldn't figure
SUDDENLY, I realised whut wuz goin' on!! I shoulda' spotted it right
I wuz apparently lookin' at a 3M Model 2005 Female Runner Proto-Type
out on a surreptitious test run. Apparently they jus' hadn't worked
all th' bugs out of it yet. I think when they get th' arm thing workin'
properly it'll be pretty nifty. I also think they ought ta' program
it ta' rotate th' head jus' slightly and ta' simultaneously break
a little smile at completely random, unpredictable moments. That way,
as yer sittin' on yer lawn chair, swillin' yer beer, kickin' back
and relaxin', havin' programmed it 'ta circle th' block, every now
and then, some times, occasionally, as it passes by, it will look
in yer direction and
P.S. See whut happens when I don't get my nightly allotment of booize and stuff. This!!
FABULOUS, FABULOUS NEWS
Date: Monday, June 20, 2005 12:07 AM
TOM CRUISE AND KATIE WHUT TH' FUCK'S HER NAME ARE ENGAGED! ISN'T
IT JUST TOOO FABULOUS!!!!!
I JUS' CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ALL TH' DETAILS ABOUT HER RING AND THE
WEDDING PLANS, AND HER GOWN?? OH, BOYZ AND GURLZ, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S JUS TOOO MUCH EXCITEMENT TO BEAR.
P.S. I'd like to thank those nameless peoples who labor anonmyously
ta' manufacture th' news fer us. I was deeply concerned, ever since
th' Michael Jackson verdict came down, cuz I wondered whut they had
ta' follow that act? I mean, that wuz BIG TIME, y'know whut ahm sayin'!
Close ta' OJ quality stuff.
Hey, don't get me wrong tho, OK!? cuz I'm not complanin'. No sir-ree,
not one bit, so don't be compilin' some kinda file on me, cuz I'm
with th program!! Y'hear!! I'm EXCITED over this as any one can possibly
be, and I can't wait til tomorrow fer some new details. OK? Once again,
jus' fer th' record, I'M SOOO EXCITED!!!
Th' gall! Th' Temerity!! Th' Indecency!
Date: Friday, June 17, 2005 5:54 PM
Only in Amerika could a person get cold feet before their wedding,
slither off inta' th' night and hide out for a few days and then claim
to have been abducted and raped, and then be exposed for th' phony
they are and then sell their story fer 500,000 bucks! Cn' ya' believe
Date: Thursday, June 16, 2005 5:06 PM
Whut a fucked up Culture we live in! I lost my lunch when I read
that piece-of-shit-bitch who ran off from her wedding has now sold
her story for a half-million dollars!! Are people fucking Insane?
Rappin' with a Mobster
Date: Wednesday, June 15, 2005 7:40 PM
I wuz sittin' down at yer Fred P. Otts again late last night and
this middle aged dude sat next ta' me. Presently, he asked me if I
wuz a musician? I told him. "No, uhhuh." He said I looked
like a musician. I told 'im I'd heard that before, but that I wuzn't.
Then he asked me if I wuz a writer? I told 'im no, not by a long
shot. Then he asked me if I wuz a professor of some kind? I once again
told 'im no. I don't know why, but strangers ask me these three things
Next, he asked me how old I wuz? I told 'im 63. He said, "Oh
bullshit yur not a day over forty." I said, "40!! sheeit.
Hey, get real dude! Whadda'ya talkin about? Gimme a break."
Now, I'm beginnin' ta' wonder whut kinda loony-toon I got here? Then
he told me he had jus' driven straight in from Denver. But he had
stopped in Vegas where he won 25 large on blackjack. I said,
"Lemme get this straight; ya jus' drove straight thru from Denver,
but ya' stopped off in Vegas and won 25 large playin' blackjack?"
He said, "Yeah, that's right." Then he asked me if I wuz
in a band? I told 'im no.
"No kiddin" I said, "I've heard a lot about th' Balboa Beach Mafia. Is that dude they call Topo Gigio still th' Godfather of that outfit?"
He didn't answer that, but told me they had a contract out on 'im and he wuz on th' run. He said he wuz stayin' in a very fancy expensive hotel figurin' he wuz better off hidin' right out in th' open, "y'know whut ahm sayin", he said
"Yeah, that makes sense ta' me." I said.
Then he asked me where th' river wuz?
"Whut river?" I replied. He said he'd heard about a river
that ran thru a place called th' Plaza. I told 'im he wuz, in fact,
right in th' Plaza at that very moment, and th' river he'd heard about
wuz really a big sewer and if he stepped outside he could see and
smell it from there.
"I'll be damned." I said. He then bought me a beer and
said maybe he could catch my band sometime when he had more time.
I said, "Yeah, that'd be great if I had one."
He said, "I gotta roll. I been here too long already. Good luck with yer music."
I told 'im ta' keep his head down, and he walked out th' door.
Well, jus' another night in th' hood and jus' a typical example of
th' kinda people I attract alla time. It never fails. If there is
a loon anywhere in th' vicinity, where ever they are, they will find
their way ta' me, cuz,
I AM THE LOON MAGNET!!
Th Wasteland of late nite TV
Date: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 6:53 PM
Last night, I left th' bar early cuz there wuzn't much action there.
Well, ta' be a bit more specific, since I wuz th' only customer in
th' joint, ya' could say there wuzn't ANY action there at all.
Date: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 4:43 PM
Y'know, some gurls jus' shouldn't wear mini-skirts! Jus' like some
guys shouldn't wear speed-os. Like, fr'instance, a little while ago
I wuz at Osco's and I saw this gurl in a black mini-skirt and she
wuz a good example of a gurl who shouldn't have been wearin' one.
It's Tornado Time in th' Neighborhood
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005 6:38 PM
OK boyz and gurlz, it's that time of th' year again! Y'know, tornado
season, so get out yer brooms and sweep out yer shelters and stock
yer shelves with provisions.
I don't know why this time of year they don't just do away with th'
TV listings all together and in place, jus' print a small notice sayin',
"Nightly Severe Thunder Storms and Possible Tornado Sightings------All
Channels---- All Night-----All Summer Long!!!!!" and be done
P.S. Jus' a couple of nights ago they warned of a large funnel cloud
over Paola, Kansas and th' peoples were warned ta' take IMMEDIATE
safety measures. Katie said,"I mean, right now folks!! This is
an Extremely Dangerous Situation. If you don't have a basement, get
into your bath tub, BUT DO IT NOW!!!"
Grief knows no bounds
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005 5:15 PM
I read in today's paper where in San Francisco th' mother of a 12-year-old
boy who wuz mauled ta' death by th' family's pit bulls said she wuz
so concerned by th' behavior of th' male dog Rex, who wuz actin' strange
cuz Ella wuz in heat, that she shut her son Nicky, in th' basement
and pried th' door shut with a shovel so he couldn't get out. She
had errands ta' run, ya' see. Some how or other, Nicky figured a way
out. Who in th' world would think a twelve year old capable of such
a feat, eh? Unbelievable!!
Re: th' gurls fakin' th smokin' tale
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005 5:48 AM
My buddy Gabby wrote me sayin' that he could picture Elaine, of
Seinfeld, tossin' her head up and laughin' while blowin'
some smoke out.
I agreed. I can also see it so clearly, I wonder if during their ten year run, where they poked fun at jus' about every absurd situation ya' can imagine, if there wuzn't an episode where Elaine, tryin' ta impress her boss or somethin' did that?
They covered jus' about everything else!
How could they have overlooked that scenario? Help me out here boyz
and gurlz, did'ja ever see an episode about that?
Wannabe Kool Katz
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005 4:48 AM
Saturday nite, late, I wuz sittin' there at yer Fred P. Otts, in th' Country Club Plahza District, finishin' up th' evening, and I happened ta' notice this gurl. She wuz rappin' with this dude and every now and then, she would take a hit off her cigarette, and flip her head up and blow th' smoke upwards. It wuz so obvious she wuzn't inhalin'. I mean, is there any thing dumber lookin' than that? Ha ha.
Whut's th' point of smokin' if yer not gonna inhale? Ya' might try
and justify it, sayin' maybe she jus' wanted ta' look cool, but in
fact, there aren't many things that are more obvious and look dumber
Fuck New York
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005 3:19 AM
Ya' ever read or hear any one talkin' bout' “up-state New York?” Whut's th' deal with that? How come New York is th' only state thas' got an "up-state"?
Ya' ever hear bout' up-state South Carolina? Ya' ever been ta' up-state
Kansas? How bout up-state Delaware? I mean, even peoples in Los Angeles
don't talk bout San Francisco bein' "up-state". So.... how
come New York gets this singular distinction?
Huh? How come?
Th' Full Moon Scene; with passin' clouds
Date: June 12, 2005 5:04 PM
My buddy, Mistuh Booga', wrote me to tell me that th' full moon
is a masculine lunar archetype and further, that archetypes can have
powerful effect on mood and emotions in many peoples.
So, whut I wanna' know is; are these directors aware of this? Are
they doin' this consciously or whut? Or, are they actin' as unwitting
accomplices in some one else's nefarious scheme? Jus' exactly whut
is their Agenda anyway? Is there some kinda conspiracy involved? And
more ta' th' point; is it directed at MOI?
He would be my prime suspect! Or as they say in these days, "a
person of interest". Ya' notice how law enforcement types today
don't have, "SUSPECTS" any more, only "persons of interest".
Go figure! If ya' got any clues, lemme' know.
As ya' know from past ruminations, Nixon and I don't like each other. He has been tryin' ta' get revenge on me ever since I used my influence in California (even tho I wuz only 18) ta' deny him th' Governorship there some 45 years ago.
In a bitter concession speech. ostensibly referrin' ta' th press,
But I knew better. I knew he wuzn't gonna' fold his tent and silently
slip away inta' th' night. I knew he'd be back. I never slept soundly
after that, knowin' he wuz off in his lair, cacklin' and plottin'
Sure enuff, in 1970, bein' President, his enmity towards me not lessened
one bit over ten years, he used some of his stooges to harass me on
trumped-up charges and sent me off ta' meditate on my naer-do-well
Today some peoples still don't believe he's dead. Some peoples believe
he faked his death. That peoples would be ME!! I think Elvis may have
given him some pointers on how ta' go about it. I know he's still
out there plotting against me any way he can. I'm thinkin' he's usin
those moon shot scenes ta' undermine me in some inexplicable fashion,
but I jus' can't figure it out. Whut is th' purpose of it all? Well
sheeit, who can fathom th' mysterious workins' of a devious mind such
as his, eh?!
All I can do is try ta' limit my exposure ta' his insidious influence.
From now on, I'm gonna' find out before hand, if th' movie I'm rentin'
or goin' ta' see, has any objectionable scenes in it, like, shots
of th' full moon with clouds passin over.
P.S. I can't help but wonder whut kind of impression these scenes are havin' on our youth? Do th' good peoples of th' Kansas Board of Education know about this threat? As always, th' questions are many, tho answers be few!
Date: Friday, June 10, 2005 4:33 PM
Last night I'm sittin there in th' saloon. It's dark and smoky andthere's
a band playin' rilly loud. I happened ta' notice this dude sittin'
a couple of stools away and he's leanin' with his nose jus' inches
away from th' bar and he's writin' somethin'. I thought he wuz workin'
a crossword puzzle.
I glanced over in his direction a few minutes later and I now see he's got a brush in his hand and he's workin' with some water colors! Ha ha. Th' dude is creatin' a work of Art right there in th' saloon!!
I know this clown mus' be sittin' there thinkin' how cool he is,
and how every one else mus' be thinkin' th' same thing....y'know,
look there! th' young Artist..... Creating a Work of Art in a bar,
no less, oblivious ta' th' noise and chaos all around him, concentratin'
on his Art! Obviously, one very cool, hip character, eh!
While I wuz watchin' him, he got a phone call. So now he's holdin'
th' phone in his left hand up ta' his right ear and is continuing
ta' do his brushwork with his right hand. I thought he might put his
brush down fer a sec, y'know, but noooooo, he can't be interrupted.
There are no Higher Priorities than th' Art, ya' dig!. So, he wuz
rappin' and doin' his 'art thing' at th' same time.
He wuz on th' phone fer at least 35-40 minutes. When he finally got
off th' phone, he got up ta' go ta' th' bathroom and so, outta' curiosity,
I stepped over ta' check out his creation. I stepped back over ta'
my stool chucklin' and shakin' my head in wonderment. Ha ha. All I
can say is.... th' next time this dude gets a call while he's workin'
on his Art, he needs ta' call his party back later, cuz like, this
dude don't need no distractions while he's workin'! Nah, cuz like,
whut he had created there looked like somthin' yer kindergartener
might bring home from school. After a couple obligatory "Oooohs"
and "Ahhhhs" and a day on th' refrigerator it would find
it's rightful place in th' trash can. But, I'm sure he would disagree.
He prolly found th' conversation inspirational. Artists!!!
P.S. Ya' already know how I feel bout cell phones and drivin'! Now
this guy has got me thinkin' bout cell phones and Artists. I got ta'
thinkin' bout how if Vincent had had a cell phone there in Arles,
interruptin' him alla' time. Workin' in that hot searing sun all afternoon,
in th' middle of a golden wheat field, bad hangover from all th' absinthe
from th' previous evenin', talkin' ta' Theo, with th' huge crows,
flyin' and squawkin' about goin',
"Hey yo Theo, I'm tryin' ta' work here!! How bout givin' me
a little slack, huh? It's hard fer me ta' be creatin' masterpieces
when yer callin' every ten minutes! I lose my concentration"
And I'm wonderin' whut effect it mighta' had on his oeuvre?
Th' most pervasive movie scene cliche EVER!!
Date: Friday, June 10, 2005 3:14 PM
This cliche is every where. It started no doubt in horror/mystery
movies, but now ya' can't get away from it.
Th' scene: A shot of th' full moon with some clouds passin' in front
Think about it! Ya've seen that scene hundreds of times. Now one
can understand it's place in certain genres where it's supposed ta'
invoke a sense of dread, or fear, or mystery, or suspense, y'know,
somthin' like that. All directors of such material continue ta' use
it even tho it's been done ta' death, and then again some!! Over and
over ad nauseum. But, no matter. Ya' jus' can't get away from it.
But then, you will see this in th' most unexpected places. I can't
believe how many times I've been watchin' some show, and it could
be any damn thing, and all of a sudden, there's this brief shot of
th' full moon and it has absolutely nothin' whut-so-ever ta' do with
any thing that's goin' on. And I'm wonderin',
"Why in th' fuck did they jus' show a shot of th' full moon
with clouds passin' by partially obscurin' it?"
If ya' pay attention you will even see this scene in sit-coms fer
some unfathomable reason. I mean, it's like a director says ta' some
"Hey, this here would be a good place ta' put that moon shot
And one of his assistants goes, "But Sid, this is a scene where
Joey loses an important phone number."
"I don't give a shit. Jus give me th' godam full moon shot!"
"OK. OK. Take it easy, will'ya! Hey boss, ya' want passin' clouds
with that, or whut?"
OK boyz and gurlz, keep yer eyes peeled and watch fer it. Ya' gotta
pay attention now, cuz ya've seen it so many times, it hardly even
registers. It flashes on and ya' don't even think about it, but next
time ya' see it ask yerself,
"Why did they jus' show me a picture of th' full moon? Whut
does it mean?"
Peoples WANTA' believe!!
Date: Saturday, June 4, 2005 5:03 PM
Our Kansas City Royals, as ya' may have heard else where, are th' worst team in baseball. How then ta' explain a sweep of th' Yankees and winnin' th' first game with Texas.
If ya' count 'em up; thas FOUR in a row! This is roughly th' equivalent
of turning water inta' wine. And a wine with a bold, audacious nose
Last nite, a gurl-type friend of mine suggested that
this was perhaps only th' beginnin; that they could possibly make
th' playoffs. OK, boyz and gurlz, this is where we do a loud, prolonged,
major GUFFAW. Y'know,th' kind thas' get ya' holdin' yer stomach.
I don't know whether they won their game this afternoon or not, but
if they did, th' World Series is not outta' th' picture; at least
ta' some peoples. Yeah, right! We might as well talk about Democracy
in Iraq. And speakin' of Iraq, if they ever should attain Democracy
there, there won't be anyone left ta' enjoy it. (sorry, got sidetracked
Th' cap't, part time sports guru at large, PREDICTS,
AT TH' END OF TH' SEASON, TH' ROYALS WILL STILL BE TH' WORST TEAM
And ya' know why? Cuz...THEY'RE TH' WORST TEAM IN BASEBALL, thas' why!!!
Sorry boyz and gurlz, I know thas' not whut ya' wanted ta' hear,
but thas' whut th' chicken entrails said. And who am I ta' dispute
th' immutable Laws of Nature! Fer further confirmation, take a sharp
right at th' Fold in th' Time Warp and ya'll see whut I'm sayin'.
Th' sometimes Sports Sage, th' cap't
Date: Saturday, June 4, 2005 4:25 PM
A conversation I had a couple of days ago with an elderly lady I
drive about, on th' way ta' th' beauty salon.
Her: "There's a man in my apartment building who is a yogurt
Me: "Oh really."
Her: "Yes, he even teaches classes right there in th' building."
Me: "In yogurt? I'll be darned."
Her: "My sister said I should enroll, but at my age I don't
Me: "Well, I wouldn't think age would have much to do with it.
It's never too late ta' learn."
Her: "There's no way I could twist these old bones around like
a pretzel. I'd break." (This is where th' flash went off in my
head. Y'know, th' breakthru ta' understanding.)
Me: "Well, there are some kinds of Yoga which older peoples
Her: Oh my gosh. Did you say Yoga? Goodness
gracious! Some how I knew yogurt didn't sound quite right."
And we both chuckled and chortled over that. When we arrived at th'
salon, I helped her outta' th' car and I told her I could pick up
a carton of raspberry yoga fer a little snack later on and she said,
And we did Take Two of th' chuckling scene.
fer a friend
Date: Friday, June 3, 2005 11:30 AM
Hey ya'll, I'm wonderin' if ya' could help me out. I'm tryin' ta'
get a message ta' a friend of mine, but I'm havin' a bit of difficulty.
Th' last I heard, he wuz in South Africa, Johannesburg, I believe.
He's a kinda tall, rangy dude, mebbe 6' 2-3" tall, and has black,
kinda curly hair. He answers ta' th' name, "Kurt".
If ya' see him, jus' tell him th' cap't said, "Yo, Kurt."
Thanks fer yur help. I knew I could count on ya'!
Old favorite expressions from days of yore
Date: Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:35 PM
"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!"
If yer an older individual, perhaps ya' remember th' Adventures of
Mighty Mouse and recall "Oil Can Harry". He wuz Mighty Mouse's
nemesis. He wuz a tall lanky cat who always sported a three-quarter
length black coat and had a thin mustache that curled up at th' ends
and he wuz always twistin' it jus' so.
Whutever disparagin' things ya' might say bout' "Oil Can Harry",
and there wuz plenty, cuz he definitely wuz a naer-do-well, he wuz
always sartorially splendid in his black threads, while goin' on about
his nefarious business.
Harry y'see, had a nasty habit of tyin' Mitzi Mouse, who wuz Mighty
Mouse's main squeeze, ta' th' railroad tracks. I don't remember jus'
exactly why Harry felt th' compulsion ta' do this; maybe it wuz jus'
his hobby or somthin? Who knows whut Evil lurks in th' hearts of cats,
But, in any case, as a result of Harry's fixation on this, Mitzi
spent a good portion of her time trussed up there on th' railroad
tracks, while Harry lurked about behind a tree tweakin' th' ends of
his mustache in anticipation of th' train and Mitzi's subsequent demise......but,
invariably, at th' last second...... Mighty Mouse..... would swoop
in, jus' in th' nick of time ta' save th' day, thus causin' Harry
"CURSES. FOILED AGAIN!
P.S.Another favorite expression of mine is, "ZOUNDS". Mayhap, ya' recall DR. SIVANA, who wuz Captain Marvel's nemesis; HE used ta' say, "ZOUNDS!" as did I, in similar situations when Captain Marvel would disrupt our plans fer World Domination. Tho DR. SIVANA would have ridiculed Oil Can Harry's ambitions as rather limited and petty, when it came ta' "lookin' good", he wuz, as I recall, slovenly and unkempt in appearance. I don't think he ever put a comb ta' use, but whut th' hell, when ya' think about it, not such unusual behavior in a mad scientist, eh!?
Don't do this!!!
Date: Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:41 AM
Do ya' ever have someone tell ya' about a phone conversation they
had and they make that phone thing by extendin' their
thumb and little finger ta' simulate a phone? And then they recreate
th' conversation by talkin' inta their 'phone'?! Thanks fer th' clue
fuckhead, but thas' rilly not necessary.
Do these fuckin' peoples think we're not imaginative enuff ta' understand
that they wuz talikin' on th' phone unless they do that stupid hand
I see so many guests on various talk shows who do this. Where did
this mindless shit start any way? Didn't Bob Newhart used ta' do a
comedy skit where he did that? Is he responsible fer all this? I'd
be willin' ta' wager that these same peoples pack whack their cigarette
packs too! Th' intelligence level strike me as about equal.
So, awright boyz and gurlz....don't do that th' next time yer relatin'
a phone conversation ta' me ya' had. I don't know why exactly, but
it bugs me. OK! Cuz, like, we, myself included, are perfectly capable
of comprehendo th' scenario without th' visual clue.
So, knock it off.
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