joe dreck
Feb. 8, 2005

For Joe Dreck (a k a The Captain) life is not an email but an email can be life.
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Subject: Soon comes Fat Tuesday
Today be's Fat Tuesday (whutever th' hell that is), Fat Tuesday arrives on th' heels of a snowstorm. GOOD!

Normally I don't welcome weather such as this, normally this kind of weather would bum me out, but in this scenario, MAYBE it will discourage some of th' neophytes and th' amateurs who celebrate these kind of affairs from leavin' their cribs tonight, thereby leavin' th' drinking ta' us professionals.

Fuck a buncha' beads and a buncha' nonsense, it's Tuesday nite and that's reason enuff ta' get drunk.

th' cap't

Subject: Oh ye of little Faith
Monday, February 7, 2005 4:41 PM

It never fails ta' amuse me th' reaction I get from some peoples anytime. I mention mixin' peanut butter and syrup together. This stuff is Good, I'm tellin' ya'!! But, judgin' from some reactions, ya' would think I had jus' suggested some maggots and mayonnaise or somthin'!

After all, most peoples like peanut butter, and, most peoples like syrup, and th' two together, make fer a very tasty combination. Great fer draggin' yer bacon or sausage thru durin' breakfast. Ditto yer hot buttered toast.

Look here, th' guts of a lotta' candy bars feature somthin' very similar, and yet peoples don't react with dismay retch at th' thought. Sheeit, throw in some chocolate and some nuts and ya' got a basic, generic candy bar. So, whut exactly is it thas' so off-puttin' ta' peoples?

I mentioned some time ago a late nite snack favorite of mine featurin' some chocolate chip ice cream and some grilled sausage. I like bitin' inta' that hot sausage and havin' th' hot grease splatter about th' inside of yer mouth, and then a big spoonful (always use a spoon instead of a fork fer ice cream) of some cold, sweet, smooth ice cream ta' counter-balance it, and th' general reaction I got wuz, "Ugh!" and, "Yecch!" Once again, ?????? I don't unnerstan'?

So, I counter with, "Have'ya ever had a milk shake while eatin' a hot dog?"

And most peoples will answer in th' affirmative. "Well, sure, who hasn't?" So, whut, pray tell, is th' difference?

th' cap'm

P.S. Sometimes it's not easy playin' th' Seer/Visionary Role. Castin' Light out inta' th' Darkness, seeking ta' Illuminate th' Ignorant Masses. Ya' know whut I mean? And, I cn' tell ya', it's a thankless fuckin' bit on top of everything else!

Subject: Soon comes Fat Tuesday
Monday, February 7, 2005 3:53 PM

Like, Ho-hum. Big fuckin' deal! Jus' another one of those "rookie nights" when all th' amateurs come out and get in our way with their loud, boistrous, obnoxious juvenile drunken behavior! Sigh

th cap't

Subject: Upon gettin' older and wiser
Monday, February 7, 2005 12:37 AM

Last nite I wuz rappin' with a gurl I know. I'm sayin', "So.....where you been? I haven't seen ya' around fer a while."

And she sez, "Well, I jus' been takin' it a bit easy, y'know. Haven't been goin' out much lately. When I wuz younger, like, when I wuz twenty and stuff, I could party alla' time, but now that I've gotten older, I jus' can't do it anymore."

She's 24 now. Ha ha. See, thas' whut happens when ya' get older; ya' mature and yer priorities change. I jus' hope it never happens ta' me. It's bad enuff I quit smokin' after goin' at 'em fer 48 years. I can't imagine not gettin' on my stool every evening.

th' cap'm

Subject: State of th' Union Address vs. Groundhog Day
Friday, February 4, 2005 5:44 PM

(My buddy Sally sent this ta' me)

Yesterday was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address.

As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of very limited intelligence for prognostication.......

and the other involves a groundhog.

th' cap't

Subject: The Nelson-Atkins Expansion (Introduction)
Friday, February 4, 2005 5:18 PM

Wouldn't this make a nice lookin' warehouse for yer industrial park boyz and gurlz? Unfortunately th' actual building doesn't look quite as "good" as th' drawing. and it doesn't look none too fookin' good itself, does it?

Oh, Kansas City. We wring our hands and gnash our teeth when other peoples refer ta' us as a "cowtown",

"Why, oh why do they call us that?"

It jus' seems sooo unfair.....but hey, y'know, some slickster from New Yawk City rode inta' town one day, took one look around, made us fer a bunch yokels and hayseeds, and promptly sold us this design fer a warehouse fer a couple hunnert million, and tole th' peoples it would make a great addition ta' our Art Gallery, th' whole time tryin' ta' keep from crackin' up. And every body wuz afraid ta' tell th' Emperor 'bout his lack of clothes.

Course, ya' gotta remember, we are also th' same peoples who turned down Frank Gehry, WORLD RENOWNED ARCHITECT, known for his innovative and spectacular designs, in favor of some locals.

"Heck, whadda' we need a fancy-schmancy guy like thet fer? We got us some darned tootin' good archeetects right here in good ol KC."

Get along little doggies.

th' cap't

go to ta' get a glimpse of whut we're gettin' fer our 200 mil

Subject: Mother Nature; th' Trickster
Friday, February 4, 2005 4:32 PM

I wuz sittin' in my car over at Loose park earlier, takin' advantage of th' spring-like weather, readin' th' paper, when I noticed a gaggle of gooses flyin' towards me. They were in formation headin' straight in my direction. Somthin' didn't seem quite right but I couldn't put my finger on it, but somthin' jus' didn't add up. Then, suddenly, it hit me! These dumb gooses were flyin' back North, fr'chriisake.

I leaped outta' my car and wuz wavin' my arms back and forth, jumpin' up and down, tryin' ta' get their attention and I shrieked out, "GO BACK! GO BACK! It's a trick. Winter's not over yet.Turn around. Go back!!"

And not only did they jus' completely ignore me, but th' Leader of th' Pack dropped a load as they flew right over me honkin' and squawkin' and makin' a commotion!! Sunuvabitch. Fortunately I wuz able ta' avoid his package. I shook my fist and angrily yelled at 'em,

"You'll be sorry ya' fuckin' sorry-ass buncha' Honkers. Jus' wait and see!!"

Some joggers and sports walkers, doin' their thing there, gave me some funny looks as they trotted by, but hey, who cares? I mean, after all, they're joggers.....Ha ha. and sports walkers. once again, Ha ha. How serious cn' ya' take such critters? Ya' know whut I mean? Whut more need I say 'bout that?

And those fuckin' Ingrate Bastard Gooses! Ihn't that typical tho in this day and age; ya' try ta' be helpful; and whadda'ya get in return fer yer troubles; thas' right, they try and shit on ya'! sigh. I jus' wish I'd had a sawed-off handy, cuz I woulda' taught that gander a thing or two 'bout Etiquette and showin' some Respect. This group wuz certainly no credit ta' th' Avian Community by and large. And then, they wonder why we hunt 'em?

It would serve them right, if upon returnin' home, th' very first nite, th' worst blizzard in th' past century engulfed 'em, freezin' their goose asses solid ta' th' lake. Mebbe they would have turned on th' boss and said,

"Ya' dumb Fuck. A fine mess ya've got us inta' this time. Ya' shoulda' listened ta' that dude back in Kansas City! But noooooo......guess he wuzn't so fuckin' crazy after all, eh!"

th' cap't

P.S. OK boyz and gurlz, let this be a lesson ta' ya; watch out fer that Mother Nature Bitch. Don't let her fool ya', cuz She likes ta' play these games around this time of year.

Subject: Architectural Guru that he is; the Captain speaks out
Thursday, February 3, 2005 8:04 PM

In the last few days I've read some pretty uncomplimentary things about the new addition to the Nelson Art Gallery. So, I decided to check it out my self.

My initial response was one of disappointment because I couldn't see the building because of a huge construction site storage bunker obstructing the view. Then I recalled that that was a description I had read earlier of the building itself. That was a right-on description.

Whew! You talk about Ugly? This thing is a Monstrosity! The only redeeming quality of it was that it only cost two hundred million bucks. It's a good thing they didn't decide to spend five hundred. I dread to think what that might have looked like. This joint makes the new Plaza Library, plenty ugly enough in it's own right, look positively beautiful in comparison. Really, it looks like a huge, windowless, oddly shaped, warehouse. They claim that siding is glass, but if some body didn't tell you that, you would assume it is nothing but tin siding. You would prolly say to them, "Oh c'mon, gimme a break will'ya'? I know tin siding when iI see it!!"

I think some one ought to look behind the scenes to see if if the peoples who approved this butt-ugly of ugly buildings aren't all related to the architect. Or maybe find out if they all aren't driving brand new Mercedes all of a sudden. Or else maybe just find out if they all aren't just deranged. That would go a long way towards an explanation. Something's not right here boyz and gurlz.

In response to what seems to be universal criticism of their 'vision' they claim that they are being unfairly criticized before it's even completed. They say when all is finally said and done, when peoples see it completely finished, with the landscaping and everything in place, that they will be delighted and thrilled. I suppose that's possible..... but I'm thinking the only way the landscaping would help, would be if they planted huge and many trees surrounding the place so you couldn't actually see it. That would definitely be an improvement!

Drive by some time. Take a look for yourself. See what you think?

th' cap't

P.S. It's as big a_____ as you think it is. Thanks Kansas.

Subject: Movie review
Thursday, February 3, 2005 3:36 PM

A few years ago I read a movie review which said,"features full frontal and backal nudity"


th' cap't

Subject: Democracy
Thursday, February 3, 2005 11:11 AM

(My friend Harlene sent this to me. it's good and will prolly make ya' laugh or at least chuckle a bit. th' cap't)

When President George H.W. Bush awarded Johnny Carson the Presidential Medal of Freedom (the country's highest civilian honor), the citation Bush uttered was, "With decency and style he's made America laugh and think."

Not just laugh: laugh and think.

There is no better example of this than a 1991 piece Johnny delivered on The Tonight Show with the band playing "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" in the background. The Berlin Wall had fallen two years before, and now the Soviet Union was coming unglued.
"What Democracy Means to Me"
by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.

Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower.

It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.

Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.

Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff.

Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.

It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head.

This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle. I thank you.

(I always liked Johnny.)

Subject: Open letter to the peoples of Kansas
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 3:23 PM

Hey, I don't care what anyone says, you guys are great. I want you all to know that you provide the rest of us, and by that, I mean any one who is not from Kansas, with plenty of amusement, and for that, you're to be commended. There are too few sources of humor in this world today, and we'll take some where ever we can find it.

Like, the thing with Evolution. Once again. Oh my. What a treat! And you just don't give up either do you! It's like the guest who just won't leave. Ha ha. Priceless. No sireeee.

You guys are the proud buckle in the Bible Belt, and hey, look here, don't try and let any upstart crackers from Georgia or Alabama try and take that away from you. You earned it, and by golly, you deserve that accolade, with your book bannings, and your zany ideas on the Beginning of it All, and your stands on abortion and gay marriage and your Rev. Phelps and your general Kansas mind-set.

By “Kansas mind-set,” I mean, we can't just give credit to a few of you, because. after all, we can't ignore the contributions of every day, ordinary Kansas citizens whose ideas and philosophies fuel the rhetorical engines of your leaders.

Every day I keep expecting to read in the paper where your inimitable Board of Education, oh they are a delight, has decided to introduce "The Stork" in your sex education courses. There's no good reason for your young peoples there out on the plains to get their heads all muddled with a lot of nasty diagrams of penises and vaginas and stuff like that. Eeew.

We love ya'! OK! So, keep it up. But do us a favor will'ya? Just keep it in Kansas though, OK, cause, like, we'd rather admire you from a distance, if that's alright with you. Thanks, you're the Best.

th' cap't


You know, that new slogan of yours, "as big as you think" got me to thinking, (hey it works) and I'm thinking....."how much bigger...........?" Oh well, never mind. Ha ha forget I even almost
mentioned it. haha. Never mind.

See, I didn't really understand the need for a new slogan. You let some PR peoples come in and bamboozle you with their East Coast mumbo-jumbo hype. I always thought,


Was about as honest, straightforward, down home, and to the point as you could get. All good Kansan attributes. And hey, there's nothing wrong with being compared to a pancake. It's a helluva lot better than a cowchip', eh? And like, pancakes are good! They're wholesome! They're as American as apple pie. Know what I'm sayin'? So, lkie, what's to get defensive about?


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