January 5 , 2005
Joe Dreck (a k a The Captain) life is not an email but an email can be life.
Pay your respects at Capthoohah@webTV.net.
Th' saga of "Dollar Bill"
Date: Friday, December 31, 2004 2:13 PM
A couple of nites ago I met a rilly interesting old geezer in one
of my dreams. His name wuz, "Dollar Bill" and he had accquired
that nickname when he wuz younger, cuz he didn't like to carry anything
but dollar bills on 'im.
He had been thru rough times and that way, it always made it seem
like he had more money. He wuz a train engineer and had led a quite
adventurous life. I wish I could remember some of his tales cuz he
wuz quite a character.
At one point tho, in a pause of his story tellin', I asked him if
he had ever heard of, "Fifty-cents"? But'Dollar Bill, not
bein' too hip on th "hip-hop scene," wuz't familiar with
him. I jokingly suggested that if he and fifty-cents were
ta' hang out tagether, we could call' em "a buck-fifty"
Ha ha. But he didn't get it, and jus' gave me a blank look.
Still tho, I thought it wuz kinda funny and had ta' chuckle a bit
before I woke up. Good dreams!
RE: Pass th' Vomit bag
Date: Friday, December 31, 2004 1:51 PM
My friend Tommy D---- suggested that in reference ta' that slam I
wrote 'bout Germaine O'Neil of th' Pacers that I jus' didn't recognise,
"Republican small town values".
Hmmmmm, ya' know, he may have a point there, cuz that never occurred
ta' me. Well ya' know how it is, sometimes us left-leaning, flaming
Liberals are so tunnel-visioned that we only see whut's right in front
of us. Mea culpa and also mea apologies ta' all those small town Republicans
I may have offended. haha. Yeah right! once again, Ha ha.
Date: Thursday, December 30, 2004 7:56 PM
OK. This is gonna' be one of those e-mails where I'm gonna need yer co-operation. Ya' know th' kind.
Whut I'm gonna' need ya' ta' do is forward this ta' every one in
yer address book and make sure ya' tell them ta' forward it too and
ta' tell all those peoples ta' forward it on, and so on and so forth.
If everyone will co-operate, we can engage hundreds of millions of
This is again 'bout those assholes who take phone calls forcin' ya'
ta' shift from foot ta' foot hummin' Broadway show tunes, while they're
supposed ta' be takin' care of you first. Cuz hey, ya' know whut it's
all about, right! Me, Me, Me. Tell 'em,
"We're sick and tired of it And we're not gonna fuckin' take
it any more!"
We need ta' get organised. We need ta' form committees. We need ta'
take ta' th' streets and ta' think up catchy slogans that we can chant
on street corners and wave some signs around and do some protestin'
stuff like that. I have some old used, but still functional barricades
left over from th 60s that I will be glad ta' donate ta th'
We need ta' chain our selves across entrance ways ta' businesses
that permit their staff ta' treat us in this rude fashion. We need
ta' lie limply in th' streets, blockin' rush hour traffic, in such
numbers they won't have any place ta' put us all.
We need ta' push our elected officials fer legislation makin' this
a misdemeanor, if not a felony, with mandatory sentences. We don't
need ta' build new prisons; we can make room by releasin' dope offenders,
specially those doin' time on punk-ass marijuana convictions. If we
demonstrate ta' these peoples that we are united and committed ta'
change, they will be forced ta' address our demands.
On th' other hand, ya' could jus' delete this and get blotto instead.
Thas' whut I'm gonna do.Y'know, whutever.
P.S. My friend Ernie refers ta' th' Amerikan masses as "Th' Sheeple" which I thought wuz so apropos.
Pass th' Vomit bag, Pleeese!t
Date: Thursday, December 30, 2004 6:53 PM
Last nite I'm watchin' th' TV at th' saloon, readin' th' captions
cuz there's no sound. I guess it wuz ESPN and they were interviewin'
Germanyne (sp?) O'Neil, one of th' principal hooligans in th' Pistons/Pacers
basketball brawl a couple of weeks ago. They asked him whut wuz th'
hardest part of his suspension? And he said,
"Th' very worst part of the whole thing for me was trying to
explain to my five-year-old daughter why I wasn't playing."
C'MON. PULEEESE. GIVE ME A FUCKIN' BREAK, WILL YA'? Whut a crock
of shit! Cn' ya' believe this mook? Well yeah, sure, we all know five-year-old
little gurls are some of th' biggest of basketball fans. They get
ta' stay up late on game night, especially if their daddy is playin'.
I mean, whut, did his little five year old say,
"Hey Daddy, whus' goin on? I watched th' games th' last few
nites and ya' didn't get so much as one minute playin' time. Whut
th' fuck is th' matter with that dumb ass coach of yers? Don't he
know yer a playa'? Jeeeze, whut's goin on?"
And he's gotta tell her,
"Well see Precious, whut happened wuz, a Bad Man, y'know, one
of those punk-ass fans, ya' know how they are, fronted Daddy some
attitude, he dissed me y'know, so naturally I hadda' sucker punch
that five-foot, 125-pound punk a couple of times jus' ta set him straight."
Yeah, and all th' big bucks he lost while suspended didn't matter
one bit ta' him, see; whut really bothered him wuz tryin' ta' explain
it ta' his sweet five year old. cuz, like all five-year-old little
gurls, basketball is rilly important ta' her!
"Fuck a bunch of Barbie dolls, who gives a shit 'bout that?
Whut I wanta' know Daddy is; whas' th' spread next time ya' play those
Whut is with these dumb-ass athletes who constantly invoke their
familial piety ta' explain everything their greedy asses do? Well,
I guess they figure we're th' dumb-asses, cuz who else but a dumb-ass
would buy their bullshit?
Like, a guy has been playin' (it doesn't matter which sport it is) fer this team fer years, makin' big bucks and somebody comes along and offers him an extra fifty ta' play fer them, and he says, "Well, I've enjoyed all th' years I've played here. It's a great city and th' fans are tremendous and I wanted ta' finish my career here, but, dang it, I had ta' do whut I thought was best for my family."
Ha ha. See these greedy mutherfuckers want us ta' think it's not
about th' money, it's about THEIR FAMILY, see? Th' Family comes first.
Thas' their main and only concern.
Date: Thursday, December 30, 2004 5:48 PM
Whew! When th' Intelligent Designer throws a temper tantrum, it's
a doozy, ihn't it?
I'll bet ya' that Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and th' Reverend
Phellps are not particularly distressed tho, since they would tell
ya' that, after all, very few of th' victims are Christians. These
peoples were all goin' ta' hell anyway; now they jus' got in a little
early. As a matter of fact, they would prolly tell ya' there may be
a lesson here fer th' pagans of th' world.
If ya' might be a godless pagan yerself, remember, it's never too
late ta' repent and be saved. Ya' jus' might save yerself a whole
lotta' trouble. Jus' a thought.
And speakin' of Pat Robertson, do ya' recall earlier this year when
he said that GOD, sometimes known as th' Intelligent Designer, had
spoken ta' him personally, PERSONALLY, mind you, and told him that
George Bush wuz gonna' win th' election in a landslide.
Now personally, I feel that when peoples start tellin' ya' that th'
ID hisself is rappin' with 'em personally, that they should then be
straitjacketed and placed in a padded cell and fed with a rubber straw.This
is not th' kinda individual I wanta' break bread and gnaw bone with.
But, whadda' I know?
George Carlin checks in, so maybe he don't check out
Date: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 5:53 PM
I read today where GC has checked hisself inta some kinda' re-hab.
He said it wuz a little too much wine and painkillers. Ya gotta' be
circumspect with that Mad Dog and downers.
He said it wuzn't any thing serious tho. No big deal. He jus' thought
it might be a good idea.
Ha ha, But whut th' hell, we've all been there, right!
St. Anthony goes inta' action
Date: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 5:02 PM
Ya' know I told ya' 'bout St. Anthony recently. He's th' Patron Saint
of "Lost Things". My buddy Chris gave me a St. Anthony medal
last week, cuz he knows I need some extra help when it comes ta' things
gone missin'. There's a reason why St. Anthony holds that position,
rather than, say, St. Lance fr'instance, and th' reason is; he's jus'
damned good at it. I mean he is simply uncanny at locatin' missin'
objects. It's like he employs some kinda' supernatural dowsing rod
Last Thursday, I lost a new pair of gloves. I searched my mustang
which I wuz drivin' that night, throughly, front seat, back seat,
under th' seats, glove box, everywhere. Not jus once, but a half-dozen
times. My gloves weren't there. I called th' saloons I went ta' that
night. No luck. I searched my crib, over and over again. Nada!
So a couple days ago I decided, I'm gonna have'ta play th' St. Anthony
card. I only use that fer special occasions, cuz, like ya' can over
extend yer welcome, if ya' try and take advantage. I mean, ya' cain't
be botherin' th' cat every time ya' lose yer mind, or somthin' trivial,
ya' know whut ahm sayin'? So, I did th' proper beseechin'. Nothin'
Well, as I told ya' before, sometimes he gets overloaded and jus'
can't take care of everybody. I thought of th' old Chinese proverb,
"All things come to the Patient man." So, I then played
th' Patience Card. (D'ye ever wonder jus' how many fookin' cards are
in that deck anyway?)
So, like today, I'm crawlin' inta th' car from th' passenger side,
cus ya' know, due ta' th' wreck, I have th' driver's side door tied
shut with some wire. Well I think ya' know where I'm goin' here don't
ya'!! Yep, as I crawled over th' gear shift I spied my gloves wedged
between th' driver's door and th' seat, even tho I had already looked
there four or five times. They weren't there at that time. Today;
Well, I told ya' th' dude could be mysterious if he chooses. OK,
so there ya' go. A real life testimonial from th' capt's files.
OK, boyz and gurlz, next time ya' lose somthin', I guess I don't
gotta' tell ya' how ta' handle it, do I?
Date: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:51 AM
I got a book fer X-Mas called, When will Jesus bring the Pork
Chops? by George Carlin. I useta' like Carlin back in th' olden
days, but then I got turned off him cuz it seemed like he wuz mostly
re-cycling old material. He didn't seem ta' be movin' on, so ta speak,
like he wuz trapped in a 60s kinda' mentality or somthin. (I
cn' hear the moans and groans of derision as some peoples hear me
sayin' this 'bout some one else. Ha ha)
He seemed kinda stale and dated. I jus' wasn't hearin' any freash material. However, a few years back he kinda' won me over again as he had a TV show where he played a cab driver. Ya' cn' see Carlin playin' a cab driver, can't ya'?
Drivin' a hack myself, I kinda related ta' that show and I thought
it wuz pretty good myself, but evidently other folks didn't, cuz it
didn't last very long at all.
Since that time I hadn't paid much attention ta' his comings and
goings. He kinda dropped off my radar.
P.S. A thought from GC: "Good news for Senior citizens, Death is near!"
Th' World turns; while I'm standin' still. Whas' up?
Date: Tuesday, December 28, 2004 4:35 PM
Fer the past several days, fer some inexplicable reason, my nostrils
have been rough and raw and very sensitive, so, naturally I've been
using Bert's Lip Balm in them. Although this helped a lot, today,
I decided, whut the hell, why not go all out in my assault on them,
so I went ta' the nearest Osco drugs and copped some Vicks Vapo-Rub.
Wastin' no time, I opened the box and inserted two large clumps o'
Vicks inta' each nostril. Now I haven't used any Vicks fer at least
twenty-five years or more, so jus' fer the hell of it I read the box
and discovered, first of all; Vicks are now made in Mexico! SAY WHUT!!?
Ya' mean our Chicano brothas and sistas are now manufacturin' Vicks?
Damn! When did this happen?
Next, I read th' warning on th' box, and it said in bold letters,
DO NOT USE IN NOSTRILS.
Once again, "HUH?" Whut th' hail are they talkin' bout?
Sheeit. I mean, when I wuz a kid and ya' got a cold, ya' did th' chicken
soup thing and ya' always rammed Vicks up yer nose. So, like, whut's
the deal here?? Have these Mexicano peoples added some new secret
ingredient ta' the formula that is now goin' ta' make my nose fall
off? Or explode? Or whut?
I jus' cain't seem ta' keep up with all th' modern developments takin'
place around me. Meanwhile I'm sittin' here somewhut trepiditiously
(while this may not be a 'real' word, I think ya' know whut I mean)
awaitin' th' consequences; if I endure, I guess I'll have'ta' revert
back ta' th' Bert's Lip Balm, or else jus' stop abusin' my nasal passages.
Sometimes th' decisions one has ta' make daily can get overwhelmin',
ya' know whut I mean!?
A picture of 12-year-old Jesus
Date: Tuesday, December 28, 2004 12:40 PM
Did'ja see th' absolutely ridiculous picture in th' paper of a computer
generated picture of Jesus when he wuz 12 years old? Some loons in
Italy took some pictures from th' image on th Shroud of Turin, which
many believe is th' shroud Jesus wuz buried in, and there is a faint
image there of a bearded man who they think is Christ.
So they took this image and reversed th' process they use to computer
generate pictures of people as they might look as they age years later.
They jus' did th' process backwards this time, taking about 20 years
off th' age of th' image.
They came up with a young boy with a fair complexion, nicely sculpted,
BLONDISH hair and BLUE eyes, no less! Ha ha. BLUE EYES and BLOND HAIR!
Do ya' know how many fair complexioned, blue-eyed, blond-haired Jews
there were two thousand years ago in Israel? Ha ha. Gimme a break!
Also, becuz th' image on th' shroud is bearded they had ta' guess
as ta' whut his cheeks and th' lower portion of his face looked like.
Italian newspapers are touting this as an accurate depiction of th'
young Jesus. One journalist coverin' th' story said, "I am a
journalist and this is based on truth. It's a discovery!"
It apparently doesn't matter at all ta' them that carbon-14 dating
techniques used ta' determine th' age of th' shroud in tests conducted
in 1988 concluded that th' age of th' shroud dated from somewhere
between 1260 and 1390, thus eliminating ANY possibility that th' image
is actually that of Christ. Even th' Catholic Church did not dispute
their findings, but hey, th' True Believers don't let little details
like that challenge their beliefs. No question 'bout it; it's th'
young Jesus!!! Ya' got that!
Whut is hard fer these folks ta' comprehend tho is how some gullible
and naive peoples let foolish scientific mumbo-jumbo like carbon-14
dating methods cloud th' Truth. On th' other hand, now thanks ta'
new modern scientific technologies we now know whut Jesus looked like
as a young boy of 12. Th' reasonin' is jus' a bit confusin' ta' me.
Th' Cap't's Theory on th' Origin of th Universe
Date: Sunday, December 26, 2004 8:32 PM
I have a counter-theory that whut cosmologists, when talkin' bout
th' origin of th universe, call The Big Bang.
It wuz in fact, actually a Cosmic Meth lab explosion!
Thas' right. Now, you and others may scoff and jeer, but hey, if
ya' don't believe me, I challenge ya' ta prove me wrong!
Nyah, nyah, nyah!
PC. Whadda'ya think? Is it too much sometimes?
Date: Sunday, December 26, 2004 11:24 PM
Do politically correct children today make, snow-persons?
I dunno. Whadda'ya think?
I recently heard a female person on a local radio station say during
a fund raiser, "Call yer pledge in now. We have lotsa' folks
mannin' th' phones ta' take yer calls."
And there wuz a brief pause and then she said, "Scuuse me, I
meant, we have lotsa' folks STAFFING th' phones."
KKFI. They're very hip and aware there!
Omigod! Whut a faux pas, no! Jeeeze!.
Now, I'm thinkin' bout all th' war movies where th' Captain of th'
ship says, "Now hear this! All hands, Man your battle stations!"
I guess today KKFI would change that ta', "Now hear this! All
hands STAFF your battle stations."
Cn' ya' have a "manhunt" if yer searchin' fer a female
fugitive? Kinda' tricky, eh?
Why don't they call 'em "girllycures"?
I guess we need ta start callin' those tigers and sharks, people
How much people-power and how many people-hours would it take ta'
fill a people-hole with wooden legged grasshoppers?
Aw'right, aw'right, I know, we're gettin' pretty stupid now, but sheeit, sometimes peoples can get pretty
stupid 'bout this whole thing, y'know whut I mean!
Yo St. Anthony, I cain't find my keys
Date: Sunday, December 26, 2004 8:32 PM
A buddy of mine, knowin' my penchant fer losin' things gave me a
St. Anthony medal. If yer not familiar with Holy Tony, as we sometimes
playfully refer ta' him, he is th' Patron Saint of lost things.
In spite of th' fact that I'm not inta' th whole God game, I non-th'-less
use St. Anthony's services alla' time, and look here, he works in
some pretty Mysterious ways himself. And a lotta' peoples like that
kinda' action. Like, fr'instance, mebbe three days after ya've asked
fer his assistance, ya find th' thing ya've been lookin' fer in a
spot ya've already searched at least a half-dozen times. And ya' go,
"Whoa" ya' know?
Over th' many years he has helped me find so many things that I thought were gone fer good. And one thing I like 'bout him is that ya' don't gotta' WORSHIP him and drop ta' yer knees everytime ya' wanta' address him like so many others of his ilk, and ya' don't havta' sacrifice no bulls, goats, chickens, bunny rabbits or, y'know, any other kinda critters ta' satiate him. (some pipples useta' sacrifice young virgins til they became extinct)
St. Anthony's not demandin' like that. He doesn't try and run yer
Life or tell ya' how ta' live it. All he does; is help ya' locate
lost objects. Thas' it.
It's a simple procedure too; ya' ask him ta' help locate somthin',
and if he's not too busy, he'll give ya' a hand. But sometimes tho,
he won't help ya'. I dunno why; thas' jus' th' way he operates. Like
I said, he cn' be Mysterious if he chooses.
So now I'm wearin' my S.A. medal round my neck jus' below my clear
quartz crystal. I'm thinkin, that mebbe by jus' wearin' it I can prevent
losses before they even happen, that way savin' both him and me a
lotta' unnecessary trouble and stress. Y'know, like th' old expression,
"An ounce of prevention is worth...blah, blah, blah" (I
gotta' admit tho, I never unnerstood whut that "blah, blah blah"
And my crystal comes in real handy too, see, cuz it is an Emotional
Balancer. It amplifies Thought and activates all levels of Consciousness.
It also dispels Negativity in one's Energy Field. Now see, that helps
me a lot; ta' lower my negativity quotient, cuz, y'know, peoples are
alla' time tellin' me I'm too negative, or cynical, or pessimistic
or, well, y' know, all that kinda' downer shit.
Hey, and check this out! It also receives, stores, transmits and
amplifies Energy. (whew!) All these benefits from jus' one crystal.
Pretty cool, eh?
Now, with this miraculous medal I cn' mebbe overcome whut is becomin'
a constant daily hassle as I get worked up each day lookin' fer my
keys, wallet, money, th' TV remote, th' VC remote, (thas' a remote
control fer yer Viet Cong) th' DVD remote, my cell phone, th' duct
tape, my gloves, a book, my letter opener, my back scratcher, my comb,
my hat, my coat, th' Oreo cookies, my battery charger, th' front door,
my glasses, and y'know, when ya' can't find yer glasses it's twice
as hard ta' find 'em, cuz, like, ya' cain't see!! Y'know whut ahm
Well, y'know, I lose a lotta' stuff every day, but, since I donned
my St. Anthony medal at two this mornin', I haven't lost a single
thing all day long, so apparently it's workin'.
Hey, lissen' here, if you lose things alla' time too, mebbe' ya'
should consult with yer doctor ta' see if a St. Anthony medal might
be right fer you!
Email from a soldier re blast in Mosul this past week
Date: Saturday, December 25, 2004 12:20 AM
(While others sing Christmas carols and exchange gifts and do holiday
related stuff, th' cap't spews some bile on Christmas Eve.)
THIS ALLEGED LETTER WUZ SENT TO ME TODAY AND I TAKE IT THAT IT IS
SUPPOSED TO RE-ASSURE US THAT IN SPITE OF THE QUAGMIRE WE ARE CURRENTLY
BOGGED DOWN IN, THAT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMTHIN' POSITIVE THAT CAN BE
SAID. TH' FIRST PART IS FROM A FATHER (Mac) WHOSE SON (Todd, th' writer)
IS IN IRAQ.
First, I want to thank all of you, family and friends, who have offered
your prayers and messages of support. They mean a lot believe me.
I will not deny that this is very tough.
("And there better not be any at home!" SOUNDS KINDA LIKE
A THREAT TA' ME. NOTE TH' TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS FER EMPHASIS. BUT
HEY, MAC, WHUT IF WE DON'T LIKE YER STUPID, SENSELESS FOOKIN' WAR?)
Sent: Wednesday, December 22, 2004 1:42 PM
All for your information I'm OK despite the recent
blast here in Mosul. My battalion suffered two killed and 9 wounded.
Of the wounded, four have been evacuated out of the country but should
be OK. The other five were treated and returned to duty. The brigade
suffered 8 killed and many wounded. I was two steps into the dining
facility when the explosion occurred. I normally do not eat lunch
as I am usually out off the base on missions during the day. Yesterday,
I was in a late morning meeting and decided to get lunch before heading
out. Fortunately, I delayed my move to the mess hall by a few seconds
to talk to a soldier-probably saved me from injury or worse-big flash
of light, heat and debris 30 yards away.
(TRAGICALLY? SAY WHUT? IN HIS CASE, I'D SAY "LUCKILY)
Most of the blast was absorbed by some of the many soldiers between
me and the explosion.
(YEAH, I GUESS GOD DECIDED TA' USE TH' BODIES OF HIS FELLOW SOLDIERS
TA' SHIELD HIM FROM TH' BLAST. YA' GOTTA ADMIT THO, THERE IS A CERTAIN
ELEMENT OF MYSTERY THERE)
Following the blast, soldiers reacted heroically.
(WELL, OF COURSE, THEY REACTED HEROICALLY, THESE ARE AMERIKAN BOYS
AFTER ALL WHUT'JA EXPECT?)
At that point no one knew if the first explosion would be followed
by additional indirect fire or other device soldiers treated
their comrades, covered the dead and basically did what they do best
create order from the violent chaos of war.
(I LIKE THAT LINE, "create order from the violent chaos of war"
VERY GOOD TODD)
Their ability to maintain there composure and stay 'mission focused'
attests to every thing the Army stands for.
(OH MAN, GIMME A BREAK, HUH! DOES THIS REALLY SOUND LIKE A LETTER
A SON WOULD WRITE TA' HIS DAD? READ THAT AGAIN. DOES THIS NOT SOUND
MORE LIKE SOME ARMY RECRUITER PROPAGANDA SPIEL? SHEEIT. AND THAT "mission
focused BULLSHIT. MEBBE THEY MIGHT 'SPLAIN TO GEO. BUSH, DONALD
RUMSFELD, ET AL, JUST WHUT EXACTLY TH' "mission" IS, SINCE
THEY DON'T SEEM TA' HAVE A CLUE, Y'KNOW, BESIDES TH' CRAP 'BOUT BRINGIN'
DEMOCRACY TA' PEOPLES WHO HAVE NEVER EXPRESSED ANY DESIRE WHUTSOEVER
TA' BE A DEMOCRACY! JUS' A SMALL INCONSEQUENTIAL DETAIL I SUPPOSE.
BUT WHUT TH' HELL! BUNCHA RAGHEADS!! WHUT TH' HELL DO THEY KNOW?)
Bravery was not isolated to Americans I watched an Iraqi soldier
crawl over to care for a wounded American; Americans treated Iraqis
and other civilians without regard to nationality or status.
(JUS' A SMALL TESTIMONIAL TA' TH' UNITY AND SOLIDARITY WITH OUR COALITION
Today the battalion and the brigade was back in the fight
units that lost soldiers including a company commander from another
battalion were on mission again within hours of the attack. The news
would have one believe that the attack brought this place to a standstill-
nothing could be further from the truth.
(NO WAY JOSE)
We proceeded with missions even as casualty evacuation occurred
there was no let up on offensive operations. Tonight we continue to
fight and will keep the pressure on the enemy.
(OH MAN, I FEEL LOTS BETTER, I'M GONNA GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP TONIGHT
KNOWIN' TH' ENEMY IS BEIN' PRESSURED)
We'll be eating MREs for a while no worries I like
them with a little hot sauce!
(FERGET ALL THE STUFF YA'VE HEARD BOUT HOW BAD MRE'S ARE. TAKE IT
FROM A REAL AMERIKAN SOLJER FOLKS, ALL YA' NEED IS A LITTLE HOT SAUCE,
AND, VOILA, YA'VE GOT YERSELF A VERY TASTY AND SUCCULENT MEAL)
(YEAH, NO KIDDIN'. I MEAN, SHEEIT. IT MUST BE REALLY DIFFICULT TRYIN'
TA' TELL SOME ONE THAT THEIR LOVED ONE WUZ KILLED IN TH' MESS HALL
WHILE TRYIN' TA' BRING DEMOCRACY TH' IRAQI PEOPLES. I SURE AS HELL
WOULDN'T WANTA' TRY AND JUSTIFY THAT KINDA' LOSS)
Lisa is very much involved in that process harder job than
mine. We will conduct a Memorial Service here following Christmas
and before New Year hopefully the new year will bring more
peace to Mosul.
(I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT DUDE)
The battalion took a body blow yesterday.
(A "BODY BLOW", THAS' WHUT YA' CALL IT WHEN 15 TROOPERS
ARE KILLED. IN TH' MESS HALL, FR'CHRIST SAKE!!)
But we're off the ropes (EVERYBODY CAN RELATE TA' A LITTLE
SPORTS METAPHOR, EH) no let up in the fight and no lack of
commitment for this cause.
(HIP HIP HURRAY, THREE BIG CHEERS FER TH' USA)
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for our lost and wounded comarades.
NOW, TA' ME THIS WHOLE FOOKIN' THING SOUNDS LIKE IT WUZ WRITTEN BY
SOME ARMY HACK WHOSE JOB IS TA' SEND OUT POSITIVE PRESS RELEASES (sometimes
know as spin) TO A GULLIBLE AMERIKAN PUBLIC, REGARDLESS
OF TH' CIRCUMSTANCES. OK, PEOPLES, LET'S MAINTAIN A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
OUT THERE. I SUPPOSE ANY DAY NOW, SOMEONE WILL BE TELLIN' US THERE'S
A LIGHT AT TH' END OF TH' TUNNEL, BUT HEY, GIVE CREDIT TA' TODD. HE
PRETTY MUCH COVERED ALL TH' BASES. I MEAN, LOOK....
FIRST OFF, WE ARE ADMONISHED TA' NOT DISAGREE. NONE OF THAT CRAP.
THERE'LL BE NO "QUIT" ON TH' HOME FRONT ALLOWED. YA' GOT
SECONDLY, WE GET AN AFFIRMATION THAT GOD EXISTS, EVEN THO HE IS RATHER
MYSTERIOUS. PEOPLES TAKE COMFORT AND LIKE TA' HEAR STUFF LIKE THIS
THIRDLY, WE ARE ASSURED THAT OUR TROOPS ARE WELL TRAINED AND THEIR
MORALE IS HIGH.
FOURTH, A REMINDER THAT WE'RE NOT IN THIS ALONE. TH' IRAQI PEOPLES
ARE RIGHT THERE BY OUR SIDE, (BEIN' BLOWN UP IN TH' MESS HALL, TOO)
FIFTH, IN SPITE OF THIS TERRIBLE TRAGEDY OUR TROOPS CONTINUE TA'
PERSEVERE AND PRESSURE TH' ENEMY.
SIXTH, OUR TROOPS ARE BEING WELL TAKEN CARE OF. THEY ARE WELL FED
AND THEY LOVE THEIR MREs, SPECIALLY WITH A BIT OF HOT SAUCE.
AND FINALLY WE ARE ONCE AGAIN RE-ASSURED THAT IN SPITE OF THIS SMALL
BODY BLOW, OUR TROOPS ARE DEDICATED, AND COMMITTED TA'
FIGHT AND DIE FER TH' CAUSE...TH' CAUSE BEIN', FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY
FER IRAQI'S WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY THEMSELVES.
HEY, DO YA' HAPPEN TA' RECALL HOW WE SPENT TEN LONG YEARS AND 59,000
AMERICAN DEAD TA' BRING DEMOCRACY TA' SOUTH VIETNAM? AND DO YA' KNOW
WHUT KIND OF DEMOCRACY THEY HAVE IN SOUTH VIETNAM TODAY BOYZ AND GURLZ?
THESE IRAQIS, POOR CRITTERS. THEY JUS' DON'T REALISE IT...BUT WE
DO KNOW WHUT'S BEST FER 'EM! MCDONALDS, BURGER KING AND JERRY SPRINGER
ARE NOT FAR BEHIND.
TH' ONLY CRITICISM I CAN MAKE CONCERNIN' "TODD'S" LETTER,
AND Y'KNOW HOW I AM, I HATE TA' BE CRITICAL, IS THAT HE DIDN'T END
HIS ACCOUNT WITH A HEARTY...
"GOD BLESS GEORGE BUSH AND DONALD RUMSFELD, GOD BLESS AMERIKA
AND GOD BLESS YOU"
THAT WOULD'A MADE FER A NICE CLOSIN' TOUCH, DON'CHA THINK?
P.S. Hey and ya' know whut, I could'a chided him on a couple of mis-spelled words too, if I'd wanted ta', but whut th' hell, ahm not a nit-pickin' kinda person, and besides, I sometimes mis-spel th' occasional word muhself.
It works both ways
Date: Tuesday, December 21, 2004 4:18 AM
Y'know, like, five years ago I bought a wallet fer th' first time
in over twenty years. Thas' right, it had been twenty years since
th' last time I owned one. I got tired of losin' my money on th' floor
alla' time as I reached inta' my pocket ta' pull out some cash. I
wuz soo proud of it and tried ta' show it ta' anyone I came in contact
with, but peoples jus' didn't seem ta' be interested. I ran inta'
a Wall of Indifference. They couldn't care less. I said,
"Fine! Ya' constantly wanta' show me pics of yer dogs and cats
but ya' don't wanta' look at my new wallet, eh? Well, Kiss off!"
And they said, "But sheeit, cap't, it's jus a godam wallet!
Whas' th' big deal?"
And I replied, "Hey well sheeit, Milo is jus' another godam
dog, but ya' wanta' show me pics of him alla' time! Whadda' ya think,
like, I've never seen a fookin' dog before!?"
I'm not bitter or anythin', y'know, cuz, like, that wuz five years
ago. Life goes on.
So. like, I jus' bought a new wallet a few days ago, but this time
I wuz kinda low-key 'bout it, rememberin' th' apathy and indifference
I experienced last time and so I only mentioned it ta' a few peoples,
and yet, some how, Word on th' Street spread that I wuz packin' some
This time, I had several peoples who came up ta' me, totally unsolicited,
and wanted ta' actually see it, and then made, whut appeared ta' me
ta' be some rather insincere, complementary exclamations. Y' know,
"Ohmigod Cap't! Like, it's just soooooo fookin' cool",
and, "Gee whiz cap't. Thas' rilly somthin! Whut a wallet!!"
Y'know and stuff like that. Hey ese, I knew they wuz jus' playin
me, I wuz hip ta' that, but, whut bothered me; wuz one individual
in particular, a guy who I only know casually, and who has always
aroused a certain suspicion in me. I have always suspected him of
being The MAN. He tried ta' make an apparently off hand, casual reference
to the secret compartment.
Whoa!!! Alarm bells went off on my head, y'know, kinda like ya' get
on a submarine jus' before ya' dive. AOOOOOGA! AOOOOGA! That loud
klaxon sound. My mouth went dry. My heart started poundin. My pulse
wuz racin' and I wuz weak-kneed. And I thought ta' myself, "Yo
man, this is some Good shit!"
Awright, awright, never mind bout that back ta' my story.
How did he know 'bout th' secret compartment? I dunno. I jus' discovered
it myself on Sunday. I tried ta' remain calm and nonchalant. I told
him that, at this point in time, I could neither confirm, nor deny
the existence of such a compartment and that I would have no further
My mind slipped inta' neutral tryin' ta' figure out how he had got
on ta' me? Then, it slipped again. It's been doing that lately, slippin'
in and out of gear. Then, suddenly, I remembered mentionin' th' possibility
of th' wallet, like, maybe, havin' that kind of capability in an email
I had sent out, shortly after purchasin' same.
That mus' be it. We never rilly know jus' how secure these communications
are, do we? We don't know whut agencies, domestic or foreign, may
be monitorin' whut we assume ta' be private communications.
But, as ta' whut I know? Well sheeit, peoples who know me will tell
ya' that I consistently maintain that I, "don't know much".
They always come up to me and say, "Hey Capt. Whadda'ya' know?"
And I alla' time say, "Not much!"
Ask anybody! So, I think I have been consistent there. I mean, I've
never once said, "Oh man, I know a lot! No shit, ese, ya' wouldn't
believe th' secrets I'm carryin' here in my wallet!"
No, no. never.
Well, ta' make a long story short, I stepped away from this dude
and immediately fled back to my crib, where I pulled th' shades and
activated th' perimeter defenses. I don't think it wuz jus' a co-incidence
either that a black helicopter jus' happened ta' be flyin' over my
house as I pulled inta' th' driveway. Fer th' moment, I am going ta'
ensconce myself here, livin' off th' can of tuna and the crackers
I bought fer th' Last Apocalypse. (I knew they would come in handy
some day. Now if I could only find some use fer all this plastic sheeting
and duct tape)
Well perhaps I can jus' lay low and re-enter Society when this has all blown over. However, this poses another problem, since I jus' got a nasty letter from Society earlier this afternoon informin' me that I am in arrears...and that if I don't make a Contribution soon..... they are going ta' cancel my membership!
Sheeit! It's jus' one fookin' thing after another, ihn't it?
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