Joe Dreck

For Joe Dreck (a k a The Captain) life is not an email but an email can be life.
Pay your respects at Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: Only in Texas! Date: Thursday, April 29, 2004 5:32 PM
Those Texans. haha Whadda' ya gonna do with em? Check this out! Did'ja see in today's paper where in Highland Park, a suburb of Dallas, the Po-lice there say they had no choice but to handcuff a 97-(that's NINETY SEVEN, as in 97) year-old woman and take her to jail. They had stopped her for having an expired registration and then discovered a warrant for failing to pay a traffic ticket. Well of course they had to arrest her! They didn't have any choice you see. You can see that, can't you, how they had no choice! Ya' just can't have peoples driving around ignoring and flaunting the laws now, can ya! No, of course not!! And as for the handcuffing, well once again, no choice! That's just simple, proper arrest procedure by the book. For all that arresting officer knew his elderly charge mighta' been trippin' on PCP and coulda' become enraged and violent and commenced to flailing him about the head and shoulders with her parasol en route to the slammer. In the law enforcement game, ya' just can't be TOO careful! Ya' know whut ahm sayin'! the cap't

Subject: The fifth dimension Date: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 8:48 PM
Last night at Ott's near closing time. I wuz tryn' to keep my head above some imaginary water cuz I dislike drunks who can't hold their heads up, and this gurl sat a couple of stools away from me. After a short time she said to me, "You're into the Fifth Dimension aren't you?" And I said, "Like, ya' mean 'up, up and away in my beautiful baloon?" And she said sharply, "No not that! You KNOW exactly what I mean!" And I said, "Look here sweetie, I have a hard enuff time tryn' to get along in three dimensions. Four would be difficult, and five woud definitely be One dimension too much for me." She made no reply, finished her drink and left. Dissatisfied and disillusioned no doubt! I am a LOON MAGNET, and I have no clue why. The cap't

Subject: A revisionist tale. Date: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 8:15 PM
Yes I know, I related this story earlier, or somthin' similar. Buy a very dear friend of mine wrote me and said she felt sooo bad for that poor duck to meet it's end that way (boo hoo hoo) and she ast' me if there wasn't some way I could, like, make it right, y'know. So as a special favor to her, I’ll do this… BULLETIN: Loose Park Duck has Good Luck Day in spite of a chance encounter with the cap't which ALMOST proved to be his undoing. Earlier today, I was driving past Loose Park when I happened to notice an injured duck. One of his wing appendages seemed to be askance. I immediately threw my vehicle into a controlled four wheel drift and skidded to a stop, dust and gravel flying. Mere feet away from him, I leaped out and retrieved my Duck Tape (which I always carry with me just for such emergencies) from the trunk, and proceeded to administer to him by way of wrapping him up from his duck bill to his webbed duck feet. He kept insisting everything was OK, but I figued he was just in shock. When I finished, I stood him up on his feet, but he promptly fell over on his side, now obviously unable to maintain his balance. He kept making sounds but I was unable to decipher what he was saying thru the tape. He looked so pathetic...this silver clad duck lying there...so out of his element. So I picked him up and tossed him into the pond, whereupon he promptly capsized! His tail rose up in the air, and he slowly began to sink, and shortly thereafter, his duck butt dipped below the surface and there was nothing left but a wisp of a ripple to indicate he had ever been there. Well, as you can imagine, I stood there in Horror and Dismay at the outcome of my, evidently ill-conceived actions. So I did the only thing I could under the circumstances; you got it! I called...who else?...the DUCKMAN! I frantically explained, "Yo DUCKMAN, I got a real problem here. Can ya' help? I gotta' a gander in distress." And I splained' what had happened. And he said, "Cap't, you silly Goose You! But don't despair, because I'll take care of it. after all, "Birds of a feather..." and I interrupted him and said, "Yeah, yeah, I know all about that 'birds of a feather' jive. Just get yer DUCK ASS here post haste huh!!!" And I no sooner said that then I heard a droning in the sky. I looked up and I saw the DUCKMAN circling the park and then he tucked his wings in and went into a power dive and it made a high pitched siren kinda sound, y'know, like a Stuka dive bomberin an old war movie and he came down, down, down, faster and faster and suddenly there was a HUGE splash as he hit the lake, and I yelled out, "DIVE! ..DIVE! ..DIVE!" (inspired by a submarine movie I had seen earlier in the day) and he went deep into the water, and shortly thereafter he surfaced with the duck-taped-duck in tow. He laid him out on the lawn and pulled a utility knife off his DUCK UTILITY BELT and slashed some of the tape off him and proceeded to administer bill to bill resuscitation. After a few minutes he opened his big duck eyes and gasping to catch his breath, began to choke up water and the DUCKMAN said, "Yer gonna be all right pardner" in a John Wayne kinda voice, (and I wondered where in the hell that'd come from?) and about that time the sodden quacker noticed me leaning over him, and he got really agitated and starting squirming and struggling and shrieked out in a hysterical tone of voice "Keep that Insane Fucker away from me. He's CRAZY as a Loon I tell you!!" And so the DUCKMAN waddled me over to the side and whispered that maybe, I'd done enuff' for the day and suggested that since I was 'out to lunch anyway' I might want to do just that! I wasn't entirely clear on his drift and he gestured towards a nearby hot dog vendor, and I said, "Yeah, I know whut ya're sayin'" So I ambled over and ordered a hot dog. It was a tasty, high quality, all beef frank seared to perfection with just the right combination of mustard to onion. As I stood there finishing that righteous dog and thinking bout everything that'd transpired, I could only conclude with a big beaming smile, "ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL!" the cap't P.S. And y'know, what is somewhat ironic about this whole affair…my heretofore not well known avian background. You see...I am a former "Bird Watcher". Tha's right. In my early childhood I was a "Bird Watcher". Sometimes folk will say to me, "Cap'm, just what exactly is a "Bird Watcher" anyway?" To which I reply, "This is a 'Person who Watches Birds', usually, with the aid of a pair of binoculars." Although the binoculars are not mandatory, they do greatly enhance the experience. Now, as to what would motivate a person to spy on birds surreptitiously, through a pair of binoculars, is not so easily explainable. In any case, I must be away, cuz some things must remain a mystery. the cap't

Subject: Re-ramblings from the past Date: Monday, April 19, 2004 4:50 PM
BULLETIN: LOOSE PARK DUCK HAS BAD LUCK DAY!! A chance encounter with the cap't proves to be his undoing'. (6/24/98) Earlier today, I was driving past Loose Park when I happened to notice an injured duck. One of his wing appendages seemed to be askance. I immediately threw my vehicle into a controlled four wheel drift and skidded to a stop, dust and gravel flying, mere feet away from him. I leaped out, and retrieved my Duck Tape (which I always carry with me just for such emergencies) from the trunk, and proceeded to administer to him by way of wrapping him up from his duck bill to his webbed duck feet. When I finished I stood him up on his feet, but he promptly fell over on his side, now obviously unable to maintain his balance. He looked so pathetic...this silver clad duck lying there...so out of his element. So I picked him up and tossed him into the pond, whereupon he promptly capsized! His tail rose up in the air and he slowly began to sink and, shortly thereafter, his duck-end dipped below the surface and there was nothing left but a wisp of a ripple to indicate he had ever been there. Well, as you can imagine I was quite dismayed at the outcome of my, evidently ill-conceived actions, so I did the only thing I could under the circumstances: I ordered a hot dog from a nearby vendor. It was a very tasty dog. A high quality all beef frank seared to perfection on a warm fresh bun, with just the right combination of mustard to onion, I stood there eating, and watching bubbles breaking the surface from time to time. As I finished my snack, I waited a few more seconds before departing. I didn't want to seem unduly callous and leave while his lasts gasps were still evident. It would have appeared rather unseemly, don'cha think? In retrospect, I can only hope, that, as that unfortunate fowl was descending to the bottom, his last thought was "At least, he meant well". No doubt followed by "that fucking moron!" And ya' know, what is somewhat ironic about this whole affair is…my heretofore not well known avian background. You see....I am a former "Bird Watcher.” Tha's right. In my early childhood I was a Bird Watcher. Sometimes folk will say to me, "Cap't, just what exactly is a Bird Watcher anyway?" To which I reply, "This is a 'Person who Watches Birds'. Usually, with the aid of a pair of binoculars." Although the binoculars are not mandatory, they do greatly enhance the experience. Now, as to what would motivate a person to spy on bird surreptitiously, through a pair of binoculars, is not so easily explained. In any case, I must be away, cuz some things must remain a mystery. the cap't

Subject: What a relief! Date: Friday, April 16, 2004 2:43 PM
I just got a little extra bounce put in my step a while ago. I wuz at the supermarket and happened to see a headline there in one of the tabloids that said, "Price William to marry Virgin". Whew! Talk about good news!! I'm sure yerself... like myself... and millions of other selves are pleased as punch to see this issue resolved in such a favorable manner. I know we all feared some “tart” would get ahold of him, but evidently that's no to be!! LIFE is GOOD, eh! Huzzah! Huzzah! the cap'm

Subject: Another close call Date: Sunday, April 11, 2004 5:49 PM
I had this lamp that lived on top of some books that are stacked up on the end table next to my sofa. The switch doesn't work. It was snapping and crackling one nite and then just went "PHYFFFTT" and just fried the switch, so after that I had to unscrew the bulb to turn it off. I've been dealing with this for over a month now. Sometimes when you walk across the room the light will turn off....or on, depending on whut it feels like doin' at the time I guess. Who can explain the actions of inanimate objects?? I leave this light on when I go out in the evening so that potential burglars will see the light is on and think I'm home, see whut' I mean, and will then go burgle some one else. Pretty damned cleaver, eh? Hey, I know how to foil those bastards. But I've always been a bit concerned that one evening, because of that faulty switch, I would come home only to find 3 or 4 fire trucks here and my place aflame and done gone up in smoke. Nah! What are the odds, eh? Same attitude I took when it came to locking my car so maybe it wouldn't get stolen. We know how that worked out, don't we! Well anyway, Wed nite (early thurs morn) I came home and was in the kitchen/lab area doing my drunken culinary routine and I heard a loud snapping noise. Kinda like a miniature explosion come from the living room. A really loud popping sound. When I stepped in to investigate, my lamp, the very one I've been tellin' you about, was on fire!! No jive Jack. It wuz Smokin!! Well actually, two jets of flames about 7 or 8 inches long were shooting out the opposite sides of the lamp where the switch used to be. I just stood there for a second cuz I'd never seen anything like that before. I couldn't figure out what was propelling those flames out sideways. Meanwhile, while standin' there ponderin' on that, a black, greasy, foul smelling plume of smoke was steadily rising to the ceiling. Finally, I decided I best be doin' somthin about it, or else be thinkin' bout findin' another place to live. The problema wuz, I wuzn't too sure bout throwin a bunch'a water on an electrical fire? That instinctively struck me as a bad idea. Throwing flour on it didn't seem like such a good idea either. I wuz kinda frozen into immobility there for a bit. Finally, I got a brilliant idea and leaped into action and yanked the plug out of the wall which, although it didn't put the fire out, it did stop the flames from shooing outward. Now it wuz just the plastic part of the lamp burning which I was easily able to snuff out. The living room and dining room both were full of this obnoxious black electrical, burning-plastic cloud of smoke and smell. D'ya know the smell I mean? I opened the front door, but that didn't help a bit. Two days later, the smell is still here. I've used up several cans of air freshener and numerous sticks of incense and I still can't get rid of it. Man, it's a rank odor. Guess I'm just gonna' have to live with it for a while, eh! Fire and Electricity! Two elements I've battled with on many occasions my whole life long......and apparently will continue to do so. I have a suspicion one of these days one of em' is gonna' be my downfall. And then of course, there's that Water thing. As ya' know, I don't like water either! Oh sure, it's great for makin' beer and quenchin' yer thirst and stuff like that, but ya' gotta' draw the line there. None of this recreational water stuff. That's where ya' get in trouble, cuz ya' gotta' respect the potential Lethal-ness of the stuff. They call it, "drowning". Ya' may recall I told you a couple of years ago about that time I almost drowned in my bathtub. I had accidentally lost my grip on the edge of the tub, and then my life jacket malfunctioned! Talk about bein' up shit creek!! Fortunately my dog heard my yelping just as I wuz about to go under for the third time and was able to drag me out (that wuz the only thing that piece of shit life jacket wuz good for) and administer CPR. That's why, to this day, I don't rent any place that's got a tub. I'm not goin' thru that again. But sheeit ese, there's no guarantees with a shower even........if ya' don't have a good drainage system, that water can accumulate in the bottom there creating a potentially deadly scenario....... but I still like my odds better there. the cap't

Subject: Cinco De Mayo...again! Date: Sunday, April 11, 2004 3:56 PM
Speaking of Cinco de MayoÉI just heard on the radio a little while ago that there is going to be a large Cinco de Mayo celebration being held, and I must apologise here cuz I can't remember the name of the park, but anyway it's being held on April 28th! Yeah, I know whut yer thinkin'. It don't make much sense, does it? Oh yeah, if yer father or maybe grandfather was in WW TWO, there is also going to be large ceremony commemorating the 60th Anniversary of the Invasion of Normandy, June 6, 1944, to be held on, what else? May 29th, naturally! the cap't

Subject: Easter time...Whew! Some pipples! Date: Saturday, April 10, 2004 4:27 PM
I read in the paper a couple of days ago that a church in Pennsylvania put on a pre-Easter show for their toddlers. And check this out...THEY SCOURGED THE EASTER BUNNY! haha. Yeah, no shit.Thas' right. To demonstrate to the kiddies, you see, what Jesus had endured. They also, "broke some eggs" and I'm not exactly clear what their intent was on that one! Religious minds work in mysterious and sometimes unfathomable ways it seems. At the end of the performance they also told the kids that the "Easter Bunny IS NOT REAL!! (gasp) I'm kinda wonderin' though why they went about it all in such a half-ass manner? I mean...why in the hell didn't they just go ahead and crucify that fuckin' rabbit after the whuppin' and really make an impression, eh!!! Those kiddies woulda' been thinkin' bout Easter in a whole new light, I'll betcha'!! It's called the Mel Gibson School of Enlightenment!! the cap't PS. I wonder where that whole Easter Bunny and the eggs thing originated anyway? Oh yeah, there is a whole line of "Passion" related jewelry and handbags available so that one can proclaim their beliefs in a very public, yet trendy and hip manner.

Subject: Survivor question Date: Friday, April 9, 2004 2:57 AM
Have ya' seen Survivor before? I have only seen about half of the episodes of the second series, and I've seen all of the current episodes, so I have missed many of the past series. But in the few shows that I have seen, I have never seen any one get a roll of toilet paper as a “reward.” They get all bent out of shape when they get a toothbrush or some shampoo or somthin' like that, but no one ever mentions being stranded out there with only a machete to begin with and no toilet paper. No one in the few shows I've seen has even mentioned this problem, and I would think it would be a major problem, wouldn't you? I mean, yer out there in a tropical climate...so like there aren't prolly many dry leaves to use. So what do they do? Do they have a couple of “porta potties” just beyond camera range? And while we on personal hygiene here, so, like, pray tell what do the ladies do when that time of the month comes around? Do they get to sit out “immunity” trials? Now I know there are many more important issues out there, like the deteriorating situation in Iraq and the failure of our “intelligence community'”(sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?) in the events leading up to 9/11... and who Paris is “doing” this week, and so on and so forth, but I'm still curious. the cap't

Subject: New kitchen trick from the cap't Date: Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:35 PM
Wow, have I got a nifty one for you boyz and gurlz! I just discovered this not more than 20 minutes ago, and it will blow ya' away. And I mean that litrally! I don't know why I never wuz aware of this before cuz it's right down my alley. Try this at home! But make damn sure yer parents are no where around. Make sure NO responsible peoples are around, cuz it would take all the fun out of it. Fr'instance, if peoples describe yer older sister and say of her, "She's mature for her age." Don't do this when she's around! Take my word for it. OK. so here's what you do…take you some Worcestershire sauce (I use Lea and Perrins, but suit yerself) and put about a half inch into a cup, then take you a large skillet and put it on yer stove with the flames on high. When the skillet is good and hot, like, when it starts to glow red, put you some vegetable oil in in, and in a very short time that will begin to smoke. OK. Now take yer cup of Worcestershire sauce, step back now...I mean it kids...STEP BACK! and throw it into the skillet. KABOOOOOM! You will have a mini-explosion that will send flames bouncing off yer ceiling. I do need to stress for safety's sake, that unless you want to spend a few weeks in the burn-unit, make sure when you make yer toss, you are as far away as possible. My right eyebrow and eyelashes look much different then those on my left side, giving me a kinda' lopsided look. You don't want this. It's fortunate for me that just a couple of weeks ago I had a gurl come in and clean my kitchen for only a hundred bucks. Had my stove been in the condition as it was then, I woulda been on the six o'clock news this evening with some asshole shoving a mike in my face and saying, "So cap't, what were you thinking when you threw that Worcestershire sauce in your burning oil causing the destruction of the entire apartment building?" "Yeah, well, you see, I wuz just trying to make a tasty sauce to fry my steak in, when things went horribly wrong!" It woulda' been a disaster, I'm not smokin' ya!! Well anyway, boyz and gurlz, show this trick to yer friends the next time you are at their home visiting, making sure of course that mommy and daddy are gone and make sure you know where the exits are. And then watch the looks of sheer horror and terror on yer friends face when this sheet of fire blasts out of the skillet. Do not spoil the moment by giving them any clues before hand as to what is about to transpire. Good luck and let me know how it turns out. Kitchen Trickster at Large, the cap't... P.S. It's so much fun discovering new experiences, isn't it boyz and gurlz!!

Subject: CLITTER CLATTER Date: Tuesday, April 6, 2004 4:38 PM
I wuz at the library a bit earlier today — some peoples there piss me off. I'm talkin' bout those assholes who use the computers there. I hate the clatter they make as they type away. I suspect many times that those folks who type so fast aren't even really typin' anything. They are just tryin' to impress everyone with how fast they are. Now, look here, just cuz I flunked typing twice in HS, and got a D in college, doesn't mean I'm jealous or hold anything against those speed freaks. I'm not bitter or nothin! That noise just really annoys me. Why can't they make a keyboard that's completely quiet? (I mean, they can make nuclear attack submarines that are so quiet one of them could run right over you and you would never hear it coming) That way those peoples could sit there and let their fingers fly across the board and not bother others....those others about them who are distracted by their clickings and clackings...others there such as ME, fr'instance. Like, today, there was this one particularly obnoxious fucker who sat there hunched over the keyboard. He only used two or three fingers maybe, but he was really fast. But you see, he pounded the keys every time he struck them, bouncing up and down as he did so. It was kinda like Little Richard on the keyboard. I wanted very badly to tell him on behalf of the rest of the library patrons to “shine off.” But being the mild-mannered person that I am, I held my tongue. This seemed to perplex this lady there who saw me standing there doing so, cuz she said, "Excuse me sir, but, are you alright?" And I just shook my head and pointed my free thumb in that asshole’s direction. But that didn't seem to answer her question. I finally just left in frustration. I suppose I'll just have to pick up a pair of ear plugs the next time I visit the library! Ya' wouldn't think that would be necessary to visit the library, would'ya?…"Hey cap't, what'cha doin' with those earplugs on yer ears?" "What else? Goin' to the fuckin library!" the cap't... P.S. Then, there are those TOTAL ASSHOLES who answer their phones there and carry on a conversation. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH FUCKING PEOPLES THESE DAYS? I mean, Gimme' a Break huh!

Subject: CHILLING ANNOUNCEMENT!! A 'heads-up for Billy Joel fans Date: Saturday, April 3, 2004 5:47 PM
The horror...the horror! I'm afraid I have some particularly bad news to share with you boyz and gurlz, but I read in today's paper that BILLY JOEL CUT HIS FINGER WHILE OPENING A CAN OF BEANS FOR HIS WIFE. I know! I know! It's just terrible isn't it? Because events of this magnitude wreak havoc with our national psych, “support groups” are forming all over the country to help peoples cope with this tragedy. Had something like this occurred in, like, North Korea, fr'instance, we would have never even heard about it and gone about our business blissfully unaware of what had occurred. But, fortunately for us, since we live in the greatest democracy the world has ever known, based on bedrock foundations such as “Freedom of the Press,” important events like this, which affect all our lives, are not suppressed! THANK GOD! the cap't

Subject: The Case of the missing Job Date: Saturday, April 3, 2004 3:22 PM
There was a job, and then there wasn't a job, or, maybe...just maybe, there was never a job to begin with! I dunno. I have a friend who recently told me she could relate to my story of "a false memory" cuz she said the same thing happened to her. It seems that she recently took two weeks off work for “maternity leave” and when the two weeks were almost up, she called work to let them know when she would be back. It was then she found out she didn't have a job any more. She told me she distinctly remembered having worked there. She said she remembered working there for a couple of years but now her job was lost and she couldn't find it anywhere. As soon as she said. "lost"; that's when I suggested she get in touch with St. Anthony, and I told her his saintly specialty was in finding lost things. She told me she didn't believe in hocus-pocus stuff like that and I told her I didn't either, but that St. Anthony had some pretty powerful Mojo. She took an el paso anyway, and now, two weeks later, she's still lookin' for her job. But now, she says, since after reading about my false memory story she's now beginning to question whether she ever worked there in the first place? I dunno'....the cap't.

Subject: St. Tony and Me Date: Wednesday, March 31, 6:56 PM
First off, lemme say that I'm not a religiously oriented fellow, if ya' haven't noticed that before. I'm what's known as a “cynical old agnostic.” When peoples speak of me, they don't say, "De Cap'm, he a very Spiritual Being"…ya' know whut I mean! BUT.....St. Anthony is, in spite of everything to the contrary, authentic! He's legit. I have been availing myself of his services my whole life. In case yer not familiar with Tony, he is the patron saint of “lost things,” and since I am a great Loser of things, we have collaborated numerous times. Like, you know, ya' lose somethin, you go, "Hey St. Anthony, I lost $750. Can ya' give me a hand here?" And then he helps you find it. But, I mean, it's not like after ya' ask him, a few minuted later, there's a knock on yer door and he's standin' there with a dowsing rod in his hand sayin', "You called?" He's more subtle than that, you see. And in spite of the fact it doesn't make any sense at all, I've been using him these many, many years with mostly good results. Although sometimes, in spite of yer pleas, lost things simply stay lost...and are never found. But…a good many times with his aid, they are! And there's another good thing about him is that he doesn't discriminate against you because you aren't Catholic like myself, fr'instance. He don't care whether you be's a Bible thumping Fundamentalist, a Muslim, a Jew or a Scientologist. Sheeit. I'd bet he'd even help you if you were a (gasp) Republican. It apparently jus don't make any difference to him. He's the go-to guy ya' call on fer help when ya've lost somthin'. Like, earlier today when I had lost an envelope containing 750 bucks. What a bummer! Man I tore this crib apart for two hours lookin' for that envelope. I looked everyplace. Over and over again. After wearing myself to a frazzle, I sat down on the sofa to regroup and be depressed, when suddenly, it occurred to me, I still had an ace in the hole I hadn't played yet. So I sent a query out into the ether, "Yo St. Tony, I've misplaced 750 bucks. Ya' got a minute?" Now, I'm not jivin' ya'. I'm not smokin' ya' not one bit unnerstan!! Five minutes later, resuming my search, going back over for the nth time an area I had already covered, I spied my envelope wedged between the TV and the VCR. And as soon as I saw it. I muttered a quiet “Yahoo.” Pondering on it, I vaguely remembered stashing it there early this morning in a drunken, stoned haze, hoping to thwart any would-be burglars from spotting it laying right out in the open. Worked pretty good. eh! I had been over that area several times and marvelled at how I had missed it. But you see, it simply wasn't there then. St. Anthony had obviously slipped it in there while I had my back turned. I immediately thanked Tony for his efforts and had a much better attitude now with my 750 bucks in my pocket. So...next time somthin' goes missing in your life boyz and gurlz....now you know who to call! the cap't

Subject: My stolen car recovered Date: Monday, March 29, 2004 3:44 PM
I would like to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have been diligently sacrificing yer chickens, lambs and bulls and so on and so forth, these past few weeks, in an effort to propitiate the gods, cuz it worked! Well... to an extent anyway, cuz my car was found this past Friday. HOWEVER...and here I don't want to sound like an Ingrate Bastard or somthin'...But...considering the condition the car wuz in folks, it would appears we may have been a few chickens and sheep too short of their wishes, cuz...like...the steering column was totally fucked up rendering the windshield wipers and turn signals and lights inoperative, the trunk has been pried open and a wheelchair from there stolen, the left rear fender has been abash with something or other causing major dentage problems and 2,500 miles were put on the car. A young crack enthusiast wuz responsible. All in all, prolly 2000-2500 bucks worth of damage which poses the question; do I really wanta' spend 2500 bucks to put a 15-year-old car back in operation? I dunno'. I don't know whether it's worth it or not. I suppose I could ask the gods for some guidance, y'know, consult an oracle or somthin'. But sheeit, that's nothin' but a roll of tha' dice, eh! I mean, who can fathom what goes thru those guys heads anyway? For my money, they are just a tad too much “Mysterious in their Ways,” if ya' ask me…most often acting totally irrational it seems, with no thought or consideration, or apparent regard for the consequences of their behavior. Kinda like a bunch of spoiled Brats huh! On second thought…Naah!...I think I'll take a pass on tha' godly advice, and just roll my own bones! the cap't

Subject: Fear of things that go "MOOOOO" and "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO" Date: Saturday, March 20, 2004 7:58 PM
Back in the olden' days, peoples used to be afraid of things that went, like “BUMP” in the night, right? This is a new millennium though and we have new fears now. Last night I was rappin' with this good friend of mine, and i have no idea how the conversation went where it did, but she told me that she was extremely frightened of COWS! And I said, "Say whaaat? Are we talkin' Bovine Mooo critters?" And she said, "well, YEAH!!" She told me she was driving a truck thru this field one day and all of a sudden this herd of COWS surrounded her in her truck, and they were all silently staring at her in an intimidating Manner, and one began MOOOO-ING at her in a threatening way. Pretty soon, they all were — and the situation was starting to get out of hand — and well, it goes without saying, she got the hell out of Dodge right pronto, ya' dig! and who could blame her? After all, let the first one who has never run from a wild cow cast the first stone! Well anyway, and ever since that day, she's been afraid of cows! I said, "There. there, yer alright. There are no cows around here. and if one shows up...I'll shoo it away. You just don't worry yer pretty little head, awright!?" So later on that night, I was relating this story to this barmaid at another joint and she got a chuckle out of it. She found it a bit amusing, but, she then proceeded to tell me about a somewhat similar incident that happened to her one time while walking thru a chicken yard. Quite suddenly she found herself surrounded by a flock of wild capons clucking and COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOING, and scratching around, and making threatening chicken-type gestures in her direction. In fear of a deadly pecking, a scene from Hitchcocks The Birds flashed thru her head and so of course, she egressed the hell out of there too. Now, I know that there are lots of different kinds of phobias out there, but I wonder if these two have been formally registered. I hadn't enountered either of them before and, oddly enough, both of these individuals confided in me that every time they ate a bit of beef or chicken, respectively, they felt a sense of Retribution. I said, "Right on! Damn the CHICKENS and DAMN the COWS, and DAMN THEIR BIG BROWN EYES!!" and we had a drink to that. the cap't P.S. Ya' might wanta' remember this the next time yer out in the wild; make sure yer properly armed, cuz ya' never can tell when a wild cow or an enraged chicken may leap outta' the bushes and attack you completely unprovoked. I would suggest some kind of automatic assault weapon. an AK-47 should do the trick I would think.

Subject: Bumper stickers Date: Saturday, March 20, 2004 7:15 PM
I wuz driving earlier today and wuz behind this station wagon of some kind and the whole rear window was laced with posters saying things like "Jesus Loves You!" and "The Lord Rules" and, "God Bless America" and stuff like that. But what really got my attention was the bumper sticker — you remember all the stickers and sayings you've heard like, "FRIENDS Don't Let Drunk friends DRIVE," a notable sentiment, right? But hey ese, check this out...this sticker said, "FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GO TO HELL!" Kinda' taking this 'takin' care of friends' thing to the next level, eh? haha. Think about it...so the next time you are with some friends who are engaging in some sinful kinds of behavior, "REMEMBER THAT!" and ACT. Taking their keys away is going to be meaningless in a case like this. No, no, this calls for stronger measures. What I do in a situation like that is that I always carry around a small visine container, except I fill mine with lighter fluid. So when one of my friends look like they might be gettin' ready to “sin,” I squirt some of that lighter fluid on their ear and light it. Well of course, this is distracting, which is exactly what ya' want. They jump up screaming with their ear smokin' and on fire and i usually say something like, "Beware sinner for this is nothing compared to the pain of everlasting Hell which you are flirting with right this minute mister/missy. We're talking here unendurable, excruciating agony for all eternity. Time without end. Forever and ever with no possibility for time off for good behavior! You unnerstand you don't want that, do you?" Well, a lot of peoples after we put their ear out will say something like, "Gee cap't, thanks, that was close. I needed that!!" On the other hand there will inevitably be those other ungrateful bastards who will break your nose and kick some of your teeth out. These assholes will always misinterpret yer good intentions to help them. Ingratitude always pisses me off, so after i get up, being really miffed now, I usually just say to them, in a now very nasally voice, "Awright then, just go ahead and Go to Hell ya' fuckin' sinner! See if i care!" the cap't