Joe Dreck

For Joe Dreck (a k a The Captain) life is not an email but an email can be life.
Pay your respects at Capthoohah@webTV.net.

Subject: Don't blame ME! Date: Tue, March 16, 2004, 4:01 PM
CAUTION! RELIGION SENSITIVE PEOPLES; COVER YER EYES!! Y'know, in the past several weeks, there has been much comment on Mel “the Asshole” Gibson's movie. Ya' already knew that though, didn't ya'? unless maybe ya've been off-planet or somthin'. I have read several letters to the editor in The Star that, if I might paraphrase, said this. Basically: "I don't understand all the controversy and hoopla about who killed Christ? Whether it was the Jews, or the Romans, or Pilate? What's the big deal? I already KNOW who killed Jesus....I DID!" To which I could only respond...hmmmmmm I beg yer pardon? Say WHAT? As I said, this was a common theme. I have seen this or similar sentiments tothat effect more than a few times now. I guess everyone thought they were being very cleaver and original in claiming they were the actual perp. But one of them really raised my ire a few days ago. It said, "I KNOW who killed Jesus. It's no secret. 'WE' did. YOU and I." This is where I said, "Hey, wait just a fuckin' minute! Whoa Ace! Step off!! Whut' the fuck are you babbling about? What's this "You and I" shit? Don't be layin' that shit on ME Jack...cuz, like, I wasn't there!!! Ya' dig! I don't even know where this Golgotha place is? Some where out in the burbs I suppose, maybe out past Raymore or some place? Hell, I dunno'. I don't ever go out to the burbs. But hey, look here, it don't matter, cuz, like, ya' won't be finding MY DNA anywhere near the place. Ya won't be seein' my face in the surveillance videos anywhere. Ya' won't be findin' my prints on no hammers or nails or lances or any other implements of crucifixion Anywhere.…Ya' won't be findin' any fibers from his shroud in my ride or any thing else like that.…cuz I wasn't there!....I don't know how many times I gotta' say it.... I didn't do it, godam it!!" So, if this dude, like those other aforementioned peoples, wants to cop out to this thing; go right ahead. Thas' OK. Be my guest. I mean, sheeit, there are always peoples out there willing to cop out to crimes they didn't commit. This happens alla' time. They do it just for the Attention, ya' unnerstan', like, "Hey everybody. Look at me! I'm the guy who killed Jesus!" But hey ese, leave me out of it. OK. Let me off this bus right pronto now, cuz I'm not coppin, to nothin' I didn't do! the cap't PS. Did'ja happen to see in the paper recently where Mel is predicted to make PERSONALLY, get this, some 350 MILLION dollars profit hisself before it's all over for simply sharing with us his vision of how things went down. Ya' can't help but admire a self-righteous, sanctimonious prick like that, can ya'? THE FUCKING PHONY-ASS DEMAGOGUE!! in case you were wonderin', i don't like Mel Gibson.

Subject: Road Adventure with Big Dog Date: Sun, March 14, 2004, 11:59 PM
Earlier today I stopped into O’Reilly's Auto Parts to get some transmission fluid for the 72' Riviera cuz it had gotten pretty sluggish of late. I have been using it mostly, since the Olds was stolen. But with gas at a $1.70 plus per gallon and getting only 5 1/2--6 MPG, it gets pretty expensive to toot around in. While I was in the parking lot putting in the transmission fluid, this big ol' dude with a bald head and big, heavy Fu-Manchu came up and was admiring the car, tellin' me how he used to have one just like it. We got to bumpin' gums and he told me his name was “Big Dog” and he was a former Hell's Angel and, and hot rod builder and pro motorcycle drag racer. He claimed to hold several world records. In any case, I wuz bitchin bout the gas mileage, and he said he could take care of that. Before I knew it, he was pullin' vacuum lines out and messin' with the carburetor, and after bout an hour, most of that time being taken up with his stories, he had me fire the beast up. Whooo, man, I'm tellin' ya', I was impressed with the sound!. I revved' that bad boy up and it was ear splitting. That car had never sounder that good before! So, we went for a little test drive south down Wornall around 76th. I pulled outta' the parking lot and got on it.…I wuz fish tailin' and burning rubber for a half a block....I'm not shittin' you jack...that fucker wuz HAULIN' ASS! It got rubber again when it shifted into second. Never done that before! Sheeit. Big Dog ast' me if he could drive it back to O'reillys and I said, “sure” so we turned around at 85th and headed back north on Wornall and he jumped on it and let out a whoop just like they do in tha' movies, same thing as before, tires screeching, smoke billowing out, but he didn't back off at 60 like I did. He went right on up to 85-90 right down that Wornall strip. I yelled out to him, cuz man it wuz LOUD! "Hey Big Dog...SLOW DOWN! cuz I got some things I still gotta' do in life!" He laughed and backed off and apologized for gettin' “carried away” and I made a mental note not to ever get in a car again where Big Dog wuz the wheelman. I am so tickled to have my car runnin' like this again. Y'know, for a while there I had gotten complacent, I just took it for granted....but now...... I don't give a shit if it is still only getting 6 MPG....cuz I LOVE my ride again!! the cap't

Subject: Happy Ides of March Day Date: Mon., March 15, 2004 7:39 PM
I send this greeting in compliance with my policy of always acknowledging notable days. The cap't...... PS. OK boyz and gurlz, now don't forget to go out and get Dumb and Stupid on St. Patty's Day. It's required!

Subject: It was Lost, and then it was Found! Date: Sun, March 14, 2004, 10:45 PM
A couple months ago, in the midst of the winter snow...while fooling around with my cars, I happened to notice that my 1941 Mercury-head dime earring had fallen in the snow. It was fortunate that I saw it when I did, cuz, if I hadn't, it would have been lost forever. I never would have known where or when I lost it; only that it wasn't hangin' from my ear one day. I'd had that earring for twenty years. Normally things don't usually survive my ownership that long. So...I put it in my pocket and went about my business. Later that evening when I went to go out, I reached in my pocket, but it was gone. Missing in action. It was no where to be found. I searched the lining...I looked all over the floor in my crib...Nada! I figured it must have fallen out of my coat and landed in the snow again. So a couple of weeks ago when the snow melted, I carefully and throughly searched the driveway and rear parking area. Still couldn't find it. CURSES!! It was Gone...FOR GOOD. So, I acquired another ‘41 dime and had another earring made just like it. Now, today, I wuz standin' outside, rappin' with my landlord, bout' nothin' in particular, when he looked at me and asked what kind of earring was wearing and I told him what it was and how I had lost one just like it last winter and he started laughing and told me he had found it out in the middle of the street a couple of weeks ago. He had no idea it was mine, he just thought he was picking up a dime and then realised that it was an earring. I didn't think I'd ever see it again, and now it's Mine, Mine, Mine once again! It's strange isn't it how little co-incidences happen? Had I not run into him today; I would never have known what happened to it. I wish I would have that kind of luck with my car. Haha.…I wonder if maybe my landlord found my car too. the capt

Subject: Nixon's Minions Date: Sun, March 7, 2004, 5:01 PM
The conspiracy continues. Those same fiends who stole my clutch pedal and superglued my ignition a few years ago have struck again, but this time they took the whole damned car! Only some one trained and handled by Nixon would bother to rip off a 15-year-old car. It's gotta be his crew! Why in the hell didn't they take one of my other cars which are actually worth a bit of money and that I have auto theft insurance on? The beauty of the car was that even though it was 15 years old, it only had 39 K miles on it, meaning that it required very little in the way of maintenance. If ya' happen to see an ‘89 olds driving around with some suspicious lookin' characters in it; lemme' know! the cap't

Subject: Almost got busted Date: Sat, Dec, 29, 2001, 3:08 AM
Early this morning I was making my way home from the tavern, taking the side streets, so as to minimize my chances of encountering any law enforcement types, and all of a sudden, there in my rear view mirror, the dreaded flashing red lights. "Oh shit", I said, "Oh fuck. Oh shit. Ten-Thousand Curses! Bummer! Bummer!" So I pulled over to the side of the street. These two young cops approached my car, one on each side. I rolled down my window and said, “Gee whiz officer, I didn't think I was speeding or anything." And he said, "The reason we pulled you over sir is because, not only are you not flying a flag anywhere, you don't even have any flag decals on your vehicle." "But officer, I ordered a whole Patriot Kit from the Keep America Strong Co. just a couple of days ago. It has two flags for my vehicle, one large one for my home, a series of decals for the car and house windows and other places, and two flag pins for my clothing. They promised me they would be here by today, but I'm sure they'll be in the mail tomorrow." "Have you been shopping these past weeks?" he inquired?" Yeah, yeah, I have. I really have! I maxed out two credit cards and also got a loan, even though I'm not employed. I have been shopping like a fool, I promise!" "Could I see your receipts please sir?" "Oh man, officer, I know you hear this all the time! But I was shopping earlier at the mall and I was forced to quit early cause my grandmother just died and I had to leave and make arrangements for her funeral, and I went home and changed clothes and left all my receipts in my other pants!" He snorted derisively and said to his partner, "Can you believe this guy!!?" and his buddy just shook his head. "He's got no flags or decals! He doesn't have even one receipt from anything. All he's got is this cock and bull story." I said, "Hey look guys. I spent a lot of money drinking tonight. You don't think I got this drunk on nothing do you? I mean, I can hardly stand up. I'm a Patriot! You want me to sing the Star Spangled Banner? I may be a bit off-key, but I can do it! And another thing, before you guys were even born, I voted for Richard Nixon (my knees almost buckled as I said this) and volunteered for Nam. Twice!! (Course, as you know, the closest I got to Nam was Balboa Beach, CA but at a time like this the Truth can get sticky, if ya' know whut I mean?) 1st Marines. I was in the central highlands and then I was down in the delta!" And one of the guys said to me, "No kidding! my ol' man was in the Corp." I said, "Semper Fi, brother! Yeah, and look here, even though I'm not working, I'm going to buy a brand new SUV this weekend, Thas' right! Just to help keep America rollin' y'know! I mean, I'm not buying it for me! I'm buying it for the good of the country!!" Well, by now, they were both softening their attitudes considerably. So the main guy said, "OK sir, I tell you what. We're gonna let you go with a warning this time, but next time I see you I expect you to have your car properly equipped and to have pockets bulging with receipts for all manner of superfluous and un-necessary big-ticket items, cuz next time sir, yer gonna have to do more tham just tell me you're a Patriot…Yer Gonna Have to Prove IT!" I just grinned and said, "Well done! and remember, United We Stand!" and he smiled back at me and said, "Divided we fall! Have a nice evening, sir!" And I cruised on to my crib. Now I know everyone says that the Patriot Patrol guys are real shitheads and won't give you any slack at all, but all I can say is, "Oh Pshaw!" Course, a little bit of bullshit helps. eh! the capt

Subject: A magazine for every taste Date: Tue., Nov. 11, 2003, 5:25 PM
I went out to Hollywood Video earlier today. They rent four movies for four days for four dollars there. Pretty good deal! They also have a very impressive variety of magazines available. If you're looking for a particular magazine, you'll prolly find it there. Row upon row upon row of magazines you've never heard of before. While browsing, a certain title caught my eye; it was the current issue of MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE. Perhaps you're not familiar with it. This issue's featured articles are such as, "Black Out Like You Mean It" (make the most out of yer next trip to oblivion), "Heroes of Hooch" (saluting the super souses), "Etiquette for Inebriates" (modern manners for modern drunks), "The Dozen Staggering Steps" (12 steps to becoming a better drunk) and, of course, the regular features such as "Drink Your Way to Health", "Wino Wisdom" and much, much more. Well, in any case, being a life-long card-carrying member of Boozers Inc., I purchased a copy and I must tell you, I found it to be an interesting, informative and enjoyable read. Not for every one, mind you, but for some of us. the cap't

Subject: The Cap't has a question for you Date: Thur., Sept. 25, 2003, 11:22 AM
Tell me, have you ever gone home early of a morn and decided to fry you up some eggs? And then have you taken an egg and cracked it and then dropped the egg in the trash and then put the eggshell in the frying pan? Huh? Have you ever done that? And then.…and then....feeling rather foolish, looking around to make sure no one else has observed your culinary faux pas, have you ever taken another egg and done the same fucking thing, for twice in a row!! And then stood there, dumfounded and bewildered? Well now, of course, I haven't either! But I was just curious if you had? I mean, even though you would have to be some kind of fucking moron to do something like that, I'm sure there are other peoples out there who may have done the same thing also. So...if you're guilty of this type of tomfoolery, don't feel too bad about it, cuz' some one else has prolly done it too! Not me, of course! But prolly some body. the capt. PS. I hope this makes you feel better about yourself.

Subject: Captain Hoohah, Buccaneer and Terror of the Seven Seas Date: Mon., Sept. 15, 2003, 5:31 PM
You know, I was thinking of taking up a hobby of some kind since I have a lot of free time. I have been giving some serious thought to becoming a part-time pirate. That's what I wanted to be when I was younger. Looky here! I already have a piratical sounding name which would instill fear and dread into the hearts of intended victims. I have a colorful bandanna. I have an earring and a mustache, which with the aid of a little tinting, would give me a menacing and intimidating mien! So I have a lot of the basic essentials already. The major drawback is that “water thing.” See, I don't like that. I'm not very comfortable on or about water. Never have been. As a result, I never learned to swim. Of course, I guess if you are a Successful Pirate and run yer operation efficiently, the whole thing is kinda moot anyway, One wouldn't really need to be doin' any swimming, would they? Well, I hope so anyway. Oh yeah, I'll need a crew. A bunch of hearty lads and winsome wenches. I suppose in keeping with the PC times, I'll need a multi-ethnic group of swashbucklers, so if you happen to be Tibetan, don't despair, we can make room for you. If you are interested, send your resume to me. Special consideration will be given to members of AARP (American Association of Retired Pirates). Please list any special extra-curricular activities you may have participated in such as Glee Club, etc, etc. It is a plus if you can carry your own weight in the sea chantys which we will be indulging in quite frequently. I have always believed the singing of sea chantys to be a great morale booster, while also helping to keep boredom at bay. ("Boredom at bay" Kinda a nice nautical turn of phrase, dont'cha think?) Also include a list of any prizes you may have assisted in capturing and detail your role there. Finally, send an audio recording of your best rendition of the phrase, "Aye, Aye, Captain". A word to the wise: this is perhaps the most critical aspect of your resume. It is important that you convey a willingness and enthusiasm to carry out the captains orders immediately no matter how Insane they may appear to you, and you can most effectively demonstrate this by the manner in which you render this phrase. Remember this: the Captain is always looking at the Big Picture!...while you...on the other hand, are only looking at the trees, if you follow my drift. ("Follow my drift" Get it?) We wouldn't want to hear any, "Are you sure ‘bout that Cap't?" So remember mateys: Attitude!...Enthusiasm! Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'll need a vessel of some sort from which to launch our attacks. I'm currently checking out an early three-master, but there are some problems with the transmission and the rudder. It's that rudder problem that's especially vexing, cuz' one does need to know the boat is going to go where one aims it, no? Well, no matter. Nothing we can't overcome, eh! Captain Hoohah Aweigh!