Subject: I Met My Match! And Then Some!!
Date: Friday, May 9, 2008 3:35 PM

Last nite, sittin there in th tavern, a friend came in, and introduced me to his friend. A black man. Nicely dressed, friendly, polite, soft spoken, close cropped gray hair, about 55-60 years old. Becus we were close in age we were rappin bout KC 30-35 years ago, before any of these other young peoples were even born, and what it was like then. We talked bars and landmarks, and neighborhoods and times that don't exist any more.

Soon, we wearer tradin stories bout th shit we'd seen and experienced in our lives. A couple things he told me about confused me a bit, cuz I didn't think he was old enuff to reely know bout em, but I didn't challenge him on them. Old geezer courtesy, y'know. But it was reely enjoyable to rap with some one my own age, cuz most of my friends, at least th one's I see regularly, are all in their 20's and early 30's.

In any case, at one point we were talkin about th Depression, which bein born in '41 was before my time, and I figured before his too, but he was tellin me that he didn't know how bad it was then, cus it was bad for everybody else too, and it was jus Life. Thas th way it was fer everybody.

So, finally, I had to ask him how old he was? Th dude turned out to be 90 FUCKIN YEARS OLD!!! I jus bout fell off my stool. It was unbelievable! If ya met th guy and he told ya he was 50, ya wouldn't bat an eye. When I found out how old he was... he was kiddin with me callin me a "young pup". lol Well, what th hell, th dude is 24 years older than me!

Bein 66, I'm almost always th oldest dude in th joint. I sometimes forget and mention peoples and events, assumin th peoples I'm talkin to know what I'm talkin bout, til they remind me that happened ten years before they were born. But here was a guy who knew exactly what it was like when they had separate rest rooms, drinking fountains, etc, fer black peoples. He knew it very well, first hand. Here was a guy who had lived in th Jim Crow South, who had lived thru th Depression and known extreme poverty, who knew what it was like to travel all th way cross th country on a bus, and every godam thing else.

I gotta find out more about this guy. Last nite was th first time he'd been in th place, and when he left at closin time, he said he liked talkin with me and he'd be back. I told im he better cuz there were plenty more layers of this onion to be peeled back yet.

Y'know, I often have younger peoples come up to me and wanna rap, cuz as they see it, to their way of thinkin, I shoulda been in bed hours ago, and yet I'm in this joint every nite, drinkin and gettin fucked up. So, they wanna know about you and treat ya like some kinda guru. (this helps explain where I get my Guru-Complex from? Ha ha)

I felt this same fascination with this black man, Cole. I mean, it's 1:30 in th morn, closin time, and he's out drinkin and he's 90 years old!! I wanna be sittin on a bar stool when I'm 90 rappin with some young dude in his mid-60's, tellin im what it is. lol It's inspiring. (different peoples have different goals ya'know! haha) I gotta find out more bout this guy.

th cap'm

Subject: Be Careful What You Pray For
Date: Friday, May 9, 2008 2:26 PM

OK, ya'll, I jus wanna suggest ya be careful, cus right now, Th Big Guy is in a foul mood and he doesn't reely appreciate frivolous appeals, like,

"Oh pleeeze God, make him strike out. I got ten bucks on this game."
or mebbe,

"Oh God, as ya know, I'm gettin married next weekend, and we're havin th ceremony outdoors, so pleeze don't let it rain. OK. It would reely be inconvenient."

And so on. To further illustrate my point, a bunch of peoples in Myanmar (formerly Burma?) had been prayin fer a good rice crop this year, since they've been starvin! He sent em a Cyclone instead killing one-hundred thousand of em. They don't hav'ta worry bout starvin no more.

So, if I was you, I'd hold off for a while, until his mood lightens. Jus a suggestion. It's yer choice of course, but before issuin yer pleas, stop and think........ and remember Wyanmar!

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Yesterday's Primary Results in N. Carolina And Indiana
Date: Wednesday, May 7, 2008 2:57 PM

Hillary sez,

"Full speed ahead to the White House!"

Ha ha What a fuckin joke!! Is this egomaniacal woman completely delusional? Is she expecting a miracle? Is this act of failing to recognize reality, and trying to pass it off as toughness playing with anybody?

What in th hell is her real agenda? Her and Bill's classless, phony actions of th last year are dithpicable. I would vote fer Daffy Duck first. He only hath a small spheech impediment, whereath Hillary hath a Brain impediment. Who would You truth?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Cap't, Th Seer, Has Some Bad News!
Date: Wednesday, May 7, 2008 2:36 PM

OK, ya'll, I'm forced to remove my rose-tinted glasses and be brutally candid with ya. After readin th tea leaves, th cat entrails, th coffee grounds, observin various animal behaviors, consultin th oracle, goin into trance and recitin th incantations, accordin to th vibes, th future doesn't look good!

Here's what I'm gettin. Barack Obama wins th Presidency handily. He ushers in a new age of Sanity in politics. Peoples have Hope again. In his first year in office, while beginnin to withdraw troops from Iraq, he simultaneously is workin on a real peace initiative between th Israelis and th Palestinians. It appears that they have a concrete agreement. This defuses much of th antipathy among th Islamic world vis a vis th United States. There is a dialogue between th US, Iran, and N. Korea. Th economy is slowly starting to recover after eight years of Bush/Big Business exploitation. There is an air of Optimism in th country. Peoples believe that th Future holds promise. Once again, they believe they will leave their children a better world.

And then.... one day.....Tragedy strikes!!

President Obama is assassinated!!

By a white racist thug, who surrenders himself and declares he did it for th Supremacy of th White Race. He crows and gloats over his dithpicable act. Th country reels. Race riots break out every where. All over th country, big cities, small towns...everywhere! Th police are completely unable to control it, as they are vastly outnumbered, and th National Guard are unavailable too, as most are still in Iraq. Martial law is declared. Th US is forced to call on our NATO allies for help. Polish and German troops patrol th streets and engage in gun battles with th insurgents. Th entire country is plunged into chaos as th long simmerin racial problems finally emerge in a tsunami of violence.

Th stock market collapses completely. There is no stock market any more. Millions of peoples are wiped out. Auto manufacturers shut down. Walmart closes! Rail lines are cut. Trucks are hijacked and food distribution halts. Air traffic comes to a halt.

Finally, in an effort to save what is left, Congress sells th country to th Chinese in a yard sale. We all go to work in th mines.

On th other hand, I could be wrong, cuz as ya know, predictin th Future can be a tricky business, and we can't always rely on th signs. But.... it might be a good idea to stock up on a few cans of tuna and some crackers, eh, jus in case?!

th cap'm

P.S. Mebbe John McCain will win and we can jus continue our steady decline into obscurity and oblivion, usin th Bush template. At least our demise will take longer.

Subject: ALL CLEAR! Let's move along people. There's nothing more to see here!
Date: Saturday, May 3, 2008 4:13 PM

Ok, I jus wanted to sound th ALL CLEAR signal! Today th sun is shining and everything is right with th world. I feel so much better bout th future of our country and our Way of Life.

What is th catalyst fer this new-found optimism, y'ask? Well, see, like, last nite I was on my way to th saloon, as usual, taking my regular route thru what I have come to consider th Forbidden Zone becauz of my sightings of th Big Black Chicken who resides there. And, I saw it again last nite! Same time roughly, same intersection. But this time, instead of darting right across my path, it paused there on th corner, and I got a better than th fleeting glimpse of th last two times. I could see it clearly this time and it was with a sense of relief, and joy, co-mingled with embarrassment. Cuz it wasn't a Big Black Chicken after all!!!

Nope! It was jus an elderly, scrawny lady jogger in her black leotards, and white runnin shoes, with her hair piled high up on top. I didn't know whether to curse at her in anger fer th mental anguish she had put me thru fer th last several weeks, or to thank her fer jus bein a frightening lookin old lady. Instead, I did neither, but jus continued my journey, chortlin and laffin with a lighter heart and a different outlook on Life. Oh mercy, an old lady!!

But anyway, I would like to apologize to those of you who I may have frightened myself, with my obviously pre-mature warnings of Death and Disaster.

Everything's gonna be OK! Life is gonna go on! It was all jus a mis-understanding. It is no longer necessary to remain in yer shelters after dark now. All clear! All clear! Sorry fer any inconvenience I may have caused ya. Hehe My eyes and my mind sometimes play tricks on me.

But in my own defense, I was somewhat stoned outta my mind, y'know, and in that kinda situation, it's easy to mistake an old lady jogger with th Big Black Chicken! Y'can see how that could happen, can't ya!? I'm sure prolly lotsa other peoples have made this same mistake, eh? One of mistaken identity! But at least, no one went to prison.

Well, anyway, we can now put th legend of th BBC to rest, along with Bigfoot, th Loch Ness Monster, and crop circles. Now, that don't mean we can dismiss th UFO's and th Mongolian Death Worm of course, which are real! But, it is jus one less thing to worry about.

th cap'm

P.S. While I am relieved to discover I am now no longer under th Wasoon/Dolan Curse, I still can't escape this unsettlin feelin that everything's not as rosy as one might think. Like, fr'instance, jus who is this old lady? What is her agenda? Who arranged it so that her runnin schezhule intersected with my drinkin schezhule? Three times at th same place? Is she CIA? What is their interest in me? Who else is involved? What's th word on th bricks? I don't guess I have to tell ya do I, who is th main target of my suspicions? I'm only gonna tell ya their initials: RMN.

Subject: Th Horror Continues; Th Big Black Chicken, Part Two.
Date: Thursday, May 1, 2008 1:09 PM

OK, ya'll, sit down, cus this is shocking and astounding and I know I'm stretchin th limits of credibility here, but dammit, it happened again!!

Last nite, as I was makin my way to th saloon and I was drivin thru th UMKC campus, I got to thinkin bout th Big Black Chicken sighting I told ya about a couple weeks ago and as I was approachin that very same exact intersection, I slowed down and looked to my right from where it had emerged. Nada! Seein th coast was clear, I turned my attention back to business. And then I saw it again! It came scratchin across th street from outta nowhere goin in th opposite direction from my last sighting, this time goin from north to south. I gasped! Chills went up my spine as th hair on th back of my neck leapt skyward. I shuddered at th implications.

Ten Thousand Curses! Our paths crossed in th nite again at th same fookin place! ! Mere co-incidence? Fate? I dun't think so. There's somthin more sinister goin on here. I have yet to talk to another person whose ever even seen this apparition, yet I've seen it twice in th last two weeks!

Now back in th olden days, to see th Big Black Chicken was a Reely Bad Omen! It was worse than a comet, cuz, y'know, like, a comet always portended ill fortune. Remember what happened in 1066? But, sheeit, twas nothin compared to th BBC. To have one actually cross one's path was th Kiss of Death. Some peoples felt so strongly about their impendin Doom, they simply crawled off into th bushes and died. All with th consent of th tribe, hopin that there wouldn't be any collateral contamination among themselves.

So here we are now, in th Third Millennium, and this Harbinger of Doom has crossed my path, TWICE. And tho peoples claim not to know anything bout this dark legend, I'm thinkin their response might be one of plain Denial, y'knowwhutahmean. Maybe th BBC is a Jungian arche-type which we all collectively share, but simply refuse to acknowledge.

In any case, I have noticed that since I first mentioned my initial encounter, peoples seem to be shunnin my company. I find that as I approach groups of peoples, there is some head-huddlin and whisperin and then th group breaks up and spreads out in different directions. And if I attempt to follow one of em to try and chat, I see their pace quicken, and pretty soon I'm runnin as fast as I can, yellin at their backs,

"Shane! Shane! Come back. I jus wanna chat!"

And when they reach their car, they leap in and screech off down th street, slip-slidin from side to side in a cloud of burnin rubber, leavin me standin there forlornly in th brisk nite air, smoke driftin away, wonderin why I can't be popular?

I'm starin to get th impression that peoples are tryin to avoid me. Sheeeit, th damned curse is not contagious, I mean, it's not like ya can catch it off a toilet seat or somthin. I dunno. I'm confused. Or else, mebbe I've jus developed some bad hygiene habits, but heck, I have, jus as a reminder, on th wall right directly across from th commode itself,

R. Crumb poster of Tommy Toilet who sez,

"Don't ferget to wipe, folks."

and there's a cartoon of a guy walkin with fumes emanatin from his butt and two gurls, holdin their noses are sayin,

"Ewww, he doesn't wipe!"

But, thas not me, darn it.

And this on top of my issues with th BBC. As if I din't already have enuff on my plate to deal with? To be ostracized like this. wah wah wah. It jus ain't fair. Doom is loomin, and jus like everything else, I gotta face it solo. Sigh!

th cap'm

Subject: Headline On My Home Page
Date: Wednesday, April 30, 2008 3:23 PM

"Troop Deaths In Iraq Hit Seven Month High"

I guess this is what John McCain calls "Progress", eh? 100 more years!!! I guess this means th increased troop levels are having a positive effect? Or not?

And if you are confused by that term, "increased troop levels", that is a euphemism I employ to describe what is known by th Administration as the "surge". But note, not only by th Administration, but by everybody else too. It amazes me how this term, "surge" has been picked up by every single news source everywhere to describe sendin more troops to Iraq? What in th fuck is wrong with everybody? No one ever said,

"Hey wait a minute! What is this "surge" shit? Why don't ya just call it what it is; an increase in troop levels?"

But, no way Jose! Obviously th 'spinners' felt that a "surge" sounded more palatable to th dumb fuck Amerikan public, than to talk about havin to increase th number of troops there. I'll bet if you asked a lotta peoples if they thought th increased troop levels in Iraq had made any difference, they wouldn't have any idea what you were talkin about.

"What increased troop levels? Nah, I wouldn't support sendin any more troops over there! What? Oh..... you mean the surge? Well why didn't ya jus say that in th first place? Sure, I'm all fer th surge!"

And every one, includin our vaunted, much ballyhooed free press went along with them. They gotta still be gigglin bout that PR coup. I'll bet when those bastards get together and some one sez somthin bout th surge, they all start guffawin and snickerin still!

"Whew! Oh man, that was a good one wasn't it?! They bought it hook, line, and sinker! har har"

And so, five years later...here we are still; a quagmire in a desert?! Damn, I wish I could wake up outta this nightmare!!!

th cap'm

P.S. In case ya missed The Leader's press conference, he sez times are tuff right now. Jus in case ya missed that. Yeah, I know, I know, he's been tellin us fer a long time now that th economy was good, but Joe Lieberman whispered in his ear th other day and he's refined his posiion somewhat. Jus in case ya missed that. He noted that gas prices are up. No shit, reely! And some peoples are losin their homes. Fortunately fer us, th government is givin th mortage rackets 200 billion dollars to help em out, so... thas good news, eh!

Subject: I Was Thinkin
Date: Monday, April 28, 2008 2:01 AM

Don't waterboard Aunt Susie for her secret chocolate-chip cookie recipe. It's rude and impolite, and besides it's none of yer business! Don't be so nosy.

Try Curley's Hot n' Spicy BBQ sauce outta Hutchison, Kansas. It's hot ‘n spicy and "muy delicioso tambien". (Español, en Engles: "very delicious too")

Don't share yer crochet needles with other meth heads. It's unsanitary and painful.

Don't wear yer gray felt hat in th rain!

Always wear yer hats with th brim turned down, 360 degrees around. You'll look and feel much better.

Milk price at Price Chopper; skim 3.69@gallon Costco; 2.79 @gallon

While I hate tired, worn-out cliches and hate to use em, remember this one,

"Avoid AIDs like th Plague!"

Never back an enraged cow into a corner! Mooo!

Th same holds true with a cock-a doodle doo!

Avoid prostate cancer pills from th company called Uranus. (it's a real company)

It's a tacky company name fer a serious medical problem.

Do not attempt to operate yer vehicle with yer phone in yer right hand, yer Big Mac in th other, and steerin with yer knees. It's extremely difficult to maneuver yerself outta a jam! And it's jus Stupid!

Don't ride yer bicycle on th public streets. Jus stay in yer sandbox where ya belong!

If ya choose not to smoke; Fine! But don't expect applause and a pat on th back and stop jumpin up and down screamin, "Me! Me! Me!" It's unseemly and undignified.

If ya absolutely Must run, walk, jog, whatever, do it down th center lane of th interstate and don't you worry bout th traffic, cuz as a pedestrian you have th right of way.

Brown rice is not only more nutritional, but it tastes better too.

Why izzit that all cute little gurls between th ages of 4 and 7 in th movies or TV shows have th nickname "punkin"? I mean, are there really that many punkins out there? Do you call yer daughter, "punkin"? Can't some highly paid writer come up with some other cutesy name? Isn't it bout time we broke th "punkin mold"? I assume thas a diminutive of "pumpkin" so, like, why in th fuck would'ja named yer kid after some fruit any way?

Some peoples say th glass is half full; others say it's half empty. I say, "Big Fuckin Deal! Who gives a shit?"

Magick is dead in th World today! Th days of yore when magick roamed th land are gone forever. Today there is naught but Illusion! Thus explainin th absence of Merlin and his ilk, and th proliferation of th David Copperfield crowd.

How bout you boyz n gurlz, do ya'll ever think too? And, like, what do you think about?

th cap'm

Subject: Th Conspiracy Rolls On And Over Us!!
Date: Friday, April 25, 2008 4:54 PM

Today, I came as close to runnin outta gas as ya possibly can, without actually doin so. In th past, fer many years I ran outta gas more times than ya would believe. One day, fr'instance, I ran outta gas three fookin times! In one day! No shit, I'm not jivin ya!!

But a few years ago, gettin fed up with that "outta gas scenario", and all th hassles it entails, I decided that, "From this day forward, I will run outta gas no more. forever!" (thanks Chief Joseph)

See, a lotta times this was caused by my gas gauge not workin. This is also true of my current ride, but becuz it's all computerized now, I don't wanna spend th five yards it will cost to fix it. What I do is: I fill th tank, and knowin I get 14 mpg, and knowin I got a twenty gallon tank, I know when th mileage reaches 270 miles, I'm almost outta gas, comprende cabron? (you understand sir?)

OK, so, like, today, I'm truckin on down th hi-way and I glance at th mileage and I'm at 288! Alarms and klaxons went off. WHOOT! WHOOT! WHOOT!

"Sheeit", I thought, "I shoulda already run outta gas at 280 miles. Damn, I'm runnin on empty! Curses!"

I knew I was in trouble cus I had left my fuckin phone at home and was soon gonna be stranded on th Interstate and I knew I was several miles from salvation, so I slowed down to get as far as I could, and after several tense minutes, as I finally made it to th turn-off, with a big sigh of relief, I pulled up to a pump, pretty pleased with havin avoided a reel bad day! (whew, pretty long sentence, eh)

Jus to show ya how close I was to bein empty, I proceeded to put 20.6 gallons in my 20 gallon tank! $68.00 fuckin dollars! This got me to scratchin my head in bewilderment, cus I ran outta gas in this same car about three years ago and it took 19.8 gallons then to fill it up. So...how'd I squeeze 20.6 gallons in there this time?

I went back inside to get what was left of my hundred dollar bill and asked em how I could put in more than a half gallon of th tank's capacity? I got a ho-hum-who-knows-why-bother-me-with-this- kinda-shit-response, Ya know what I mean!? I pushed em further and they said th pump had been inspected recently. I asked em sarcastically how much they paid th dude off? No response! So I told em I was gonna file a complaint with th State Attorney General and was greeted with a smug, unconcerned grin and a, "Go ahead."

Well sure! See, they know, they ain't worried, cuz...th fix is in! They're all in on it. Th State Inspector, Th State Atty. Gen, Th US Atty. General, Cheney/Bush/Nixon! All th fuckers are in on it. They all got a piece of th Gravy Train. They are all fleecin/gougin us, me and you, th Amerikan public, all of us are gettin shafted every single day by Big Oil and their underlings. They run this scam. And we're all their marks! Those fuckers are already obscenely wealthy; they couldn't spend all their money in three lifetimes of wild extravagance....BUT..it's not enuff!!! What conspiracy, ya ask?

It's very annoyin!

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, did'ja see on th news last week where th head of th biggest hedge fund made, get this, THREE BILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS last year! IN ONE FUCKIN YEAR!! I'm tellin ya, there's somthin seriously wrong with a System where one individual can make that much money in one year, and there are peoples sleepin under bridges, where 40 million Amerikans, including my self, don't have health care, where th infra-structure of this country is fallin apart, bridges collapsin, education system underfunded, millions of peoples losin their homes, and this fucker made 3.7 billion dollars!!! And pleeeeze, don't tell me he earned it. And pleeese don't tell me he deserved it!!!!!!

Subject: Staying Au Courant In A Changing Amerika
Date: Thursday, April 24, 2008 9:33 PM

Yo friends, Amerikans, countrymen, listen up! In th future I plan on droppin certain non-english expressions on ya, mostly Español, in my effort to prepare ya fer th changin Amerikan landscape.

Like today, fr'instance. I'm introducin ya to th phrase.

"Chinga tu madre!"

Translation: "Say hello to your mother!"

If ya should find yerself travelin in th Southern Hemisphere, this is always a good ice breaker when first meetin th locals, cuz th Hispanic peoples there are always pleased that you would inquire about their familes. It's a cultural thing. You will be warmly embraced and welcomed and prolly invited into their casa, fer a nice warm cup of coffee.

My next phrase for today is somthin you might say, upon meeting a gurl fer th first time,

"Buenos Chalupas!"

Which means, roughly translated,

"You are very comely!"

This will endear you instantly, becuz Latina gurls like to be complimented. Upon takin your leave, ya might say,

"Bessa mi caca, puta!"

Translation: "It was my pleasure, Miss."

So....th next time you are nonchalantly crusin thru th barrio, ya might lean out yer window and practice these on some young females ya see, especially if they're with their brother or boyfriend, as they also like for their ladies to be recognized as such. They get vicarious pleasure in knowin that ya appreciate Latina Beauty when ya see it.

So...until then...Huevos Noches!

El Capitano del Hoohah

Subject: Th Cap'm Executes Another Culinary Coup. Is there No End To His Genius
Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 4:58 AM

Ok, so last nite, or rather, a short time ago, if ya wanna get technical, I had worked up a healthy appetite after an evening of vigorous and continuous elbow bending. Against my better instincts, I decided to fix myself some early mornin grub. I didn't take this decision lightly, cuz as ya may recall, many of these kinda adventures have had some rather unpleasant consequences, i.e. explosions, fires, spillages, sliced appendages and so on. But I'm happy to report, none of these things occurred. However these incidents do happen.

Take FIRE, fr'example, while it can be a Good thing in th hands of responsible and safety minded individuals; on th other hand, it can be dangerous and deadly even, in th hands of nitwits, loons, th Irresponsible, and th Immature. If ya don't believe me, give th kiddies a box of matches to play with while ya go to pick up yer pizza. Haha Ya'll be in fer a Surprise when ya get home.

But, everything went smoothly this time. I was able to pull off this entire enterprise without so much of a glitch of any kind, and I gotta admit, I'm pretty gol-darned fuckin pleased with myself at th moment. There'll be no unpleasant consequences to deal with when I awake, like, walls to be repaired, floors to be mopped, appliances to be replaced, stitches to bind up my wounds, or any of th other problems I so often encounter after one of these efforts.

Aw'right, so enuff self-congratulations; let's get down to it, shall we! What I did was; I first fried up some ground beef and seasoned it with equal parts of, 1/3 salt, 1/3 pepper, 1/3 garlic salt, and 1/3 chilli powder. (please don't get all mathematical nit-picky on me here)

Then I filled a plate with some lightly salted tortilla strips, and sprinkled my ground beef over that. Then sprinkled some chopped onions over that. Then I placed several round slices of a MonterreyJack/Colby combo over it all and put a thin layer of Pace's Hot Picante sauce on that. A few more tortilla strips and then some sharp cheddar cheese and some more onions. Next, I placed it in my Radar Range and zapped it fer approx 45-50 secs.

And fer th final stage, I put a large dollop of sour cream right in th center, another dollop of guacamole on top of that, and lastly, a glop of Mango salsa, and then spread it all around over th melted cheeses.

"Oh, th Delight of th melded flavors!!"

I exclaimed out loud at one point in near rapture.

Th crunchiness of th tortilla strips and onions, contrastin with th gooey mushiness of th melted cheeses, capped with th combined flavors of th sauces, caused me to become The Glutton! I consumed it like a starving pig. I noticed I was even makin porcine gruntin noises as I chomped my way thru it. I scarfed it up, in th truest sense of th word. This afternoon, when th sun comes creepin thru my windows, wakin me up, hopefully I will remember that there is still some left in th ice box.

OK now, boyz and gurlz, th next time ya have some of yer classmates over after school, get em reel stoned first on some prime herb, cuz that'll perk up their taste buds, then lay some of th Cap'ms Delight on em. They will long, and fondly remember that day. Durin yer 40 year re-unions, they will be bringin it up still, cuz ya will have etched a place in their minds that th decades won't erase.

th cap'm

Subject: Th More Th Oaffish; Th Harder Th Fall
Date: Tuesday, April 22, 2008 3:41 PM

A friend told me a bit earlier that he was vistin an elderly lady and he was sittin in a hard back wooden chair facin her. My friend said he got up momentarily to point somthin out to her in th newspaper, and when he went to sit back down, he missed th chair and toppled over backwards, bonkin his head on a table and scrunchin his back! Ha ha.

How, pray tell could one be such a bumblin fool? He was a bit dazed there fer a second, while he tried to figure out jus what had happened, cuz, like, one moment he was standin there; th next he was on th floor with a bump on th back of his head. Th elderly lady, stiflin a giggle, tryin not to laugh, but not succeeding, asked if he was OK? He finally stood up and looked at th chair fer a moment, tryin to figure out how he'd missed it, or, if it had somehow moved on him of it's own accord. He mumbled somthin or other bout, "tha fkin nixon"

My friend said he wanted to pull a Hillary on th chair, but in deference to th lady, he desisted cuz he thought that kinda conduct might make her uncomfortable.

Course, nothin like that has ever happened to me! I mean, like, that was a friend of mine. Oh, sure, I've tumbled off many a barstool, sofa, bed, porch, patio, steps, ladders, roofs, etc, etc, BUT I had an excuse! I was drunk/stoned!

He, on th other hand, had had nary a drink nor a toke to blame it on. Whut a klutz, eh!?

Now, by yer leave, I am in need of some aspirin cuz I gotta bad headache and backache from outta nowhere?

charley

P.S. How bout you boyz n gurlz? Ya've prolly done somthin similar to that before too, haven't ya? I mean, I'm sure my friend isn't th only one thas ever happened to before, is he?! Like, I'm sure that happens to regular peoples alla time, huh?! I know it does.