Subject: THE DAILY SHOW DOES GLENN BECK
Date: Friday, March 19, 2010 1:11 AM

I like to watch Glenn Beck at least a couple times a week. It's really quite interesting. It's kinda like solving a puzzle, in trying to understand jus what th hell he jus said? It really requires some mental agility to try and figure how how he goes from point A to point B. He leaves me shaking my head in bewilderment more often than not.

If you never get a chance to see him, I sure hope you caught John Stewart earlier tonight. In a ten-minute skit Stewart was able to catch the Essence of Beck. It was hilarious. He out-becked Beck if you know what I mean! This was a classic. Maybe you can catch it on U-Tube.

(or here: http://slytiger.com/jon-stewart-does-another-glenn-beck-parody/

th cap'm
Joe Dreck

Subject: ST. PATTY'S DAY
Date: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 1:18 PM

OK boyz and gurlz, ya know whut tonite is, thas right, some peoples refer to it as St. Patty's Day, but I like to think of it as Annual Rookie Nite, so watch yerselves out there, cuz a lotta those critters yer gonna encounter haven't been out since New Year's see, so naturally, they'll wanna get fucked up enuff to make up fer all those days in between. I suggest ya dress like a riot-cop in full riot gear mode. That way, ya'll wake up with th same number of teeth ya had this morning and yer nose won't broken and yer jaw will still work.

See, th thing is, nights like this and New Years, July 4th, and Halloween all bring th punk rookies out in force. And since these amateurs only get out occasionally, they feel like they have to act and behave like there's no tomorrow so they'll have an entertaining tale to tell around th water cooler tomorrow morning. It's not enuff jus to go out and have a good time, nah, they feel th need to jus go berserk. It's worse than New Years Eve. A lotta these novices go out that night to Celebrate; on St. Patty's night, they go out to Raise Hell. there's a difference. These kinda fuckin morons look forward to this day like 12 y/olds look forward to Halloween, when they can behave badly, but it's OK on that night. It's sanctioned.

But yer professional drinkers, such as myself look on it with dread and apprehension. It's hard fer us to deal with th kind of juvenile antics that are a trademark of th night. Damn, but I hate it when peoples I don't even know, total strangers y'dig, will be staggerin drunkenly up to me, wishin me a "Happy St. Patty's Day" in a loud aggressive voice, while slappin me a lot more heartedly then is necessary on th back, spillin my drink. Peoples with names like Flores, Smith, Klein and Shultz, etc.

And ya best be respondin in kind, cuz they don't like it when ya don't celebrate with em.

"HEY Dude, whas'sa matter with you? You don't like St Patty's day, or somthin!! Dude, ya ain't even got any fuckin green on! Whas up with that shit?"

"No, no, it's not that! It's jus that I'm not Irish you see!"

"So whut ya fuckhead!! I'm from Croatia and I'm celebratin! Get with it, y'hear!!"

And ya know what's weird? Up until a few years ago, th actual Irish peoples, y'know, those peoples over there in Ireland itself; they used to celebrate St. Patrick's Day rather quietly, it bein mostly a religious event, with th pubs bein closed. Families went to Mass and then home for a large family meal. Kinda like th way Italians celebrate St. Joseph's day. But, no more!!

Nah! Havin seen th way th Irish-Amerikans turned it into a huge, drinking, brawlin, hell-raisin holiday, I guess they didn't like their reputations bein usurped by us, so they decided to embrace that attitude with a vengeance. So, now today, St. Patty's Day in Ireland has taken on an American flavor. I guess they're sayin,

"Hey, don't even try and out-Irish us, cuz bro, We're Th Real Deal!! You guys are jus th wannabe's!"

So, they just go nuts there now. Hundreds and hundreds arrested. They turn th cities into a war zone.

Well, anyways, enuff said. copy-cat

To all my Irish amigos, "Happy St. Patty's Day". To th rest of ya Phoneys, "Fuck off and leave me alone!" I'll see ya later, on th floor down there, at th Crossbar Hotel. Hocus Pocus! 12th and Locust.

th cap'm

Subject: CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES-HOW ACCURATE ARE THEY?
Date: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 1:54 PM

Earlier today, a buddy and I went down there to Kin Lin's on 51st street for a bit of Chinese flavor. By th way, if ya happen to like Chinese fare ya should def check em out, good foods, reasonable prices. It would help if ya can speakee th Mandarin tho, as they're not too comfortable with th Engles.

Anyway, I had to check out my fortune. I think it pays to know what's in th Future, y'know what I mean, so ya can be prepared. OK. So, my cookie read,

"Others find your delicate features attractive."

hmmm, I'm not so sure bout that? I mean, I never reely thought of myself as havin delicate features? I don't think I like that. What th fuck's that supposed to mean? I began to start havin my doubts as to th veracity of th whole Chinese fortune cookie bit.

Then my buddy, who jus hit th bricks in January after doin a 7 year bit in Cameron read his,

"You will be recognized and honored for your civic contributions."

hmmm..... once again. In light of these developments, I may have to re-think my position vis a vis Chinese fortune cookies. I'm not so sure of their reliability now. Doubt is creepin in. Are they to be trusted?

th cap'm

Subject: ABOUT MY LAST POST
Date: Thursday, March 11, 2010 10:27 PM

Aw'right ya'll, concerning the thing I just sent called, Glenn Beck Comes After The Captain, here's the deal. Darn it, see, the whole thing was a gag that was supposed to run with my name on the blackboard and on the peoples signs, etc. I was the vile person Beck identified as the most dangerous person in America. But for some reason, all that was deleted when I sent it! Not sure why? But this gadget often leaves me confused and bewildered, so nothin new there!

There is a way, should you be of a mind to do so, that you can send that to your friends with your own name inserted at those various places, but sorry...I'm jus an ignernt clodhopper and I obviously don't know how to do it.

th cap'm

Subject: GLENN BECK COMES AFTER TH CAP'M
Date: Thursday, March 11, 2010 6:18 PM

Ok ya'll, I'm sure yer aware that in th past I've written some rather negative things about our Mr. Beck. Well apparently Glenn has taken notice and has retaliated, no doubt assisted by Dick Nixon. My good friend Vegas Judy discovered this and sent it to me. Check it out. Th man has no shame! He has slandered and defamed my good name. This means Total WAR--- no prisoners!

http://beck.cnnbcvideo.com/?rc=seiu.c2

TH CAP'M

Subject: NUTBALLS AT LARGE
Date: Wednesday, March 10, 2010 5:35 PM

I watched this former congressman Eric Massa, from New York, on Glenn Beck's show last night. You have prolly heard about him in th last few days. Another in a string of disgraced politicians facin various Ethics charges. Beck had him on, his only guest, for th entire hour of his show, hopin this guy was gonna badmouth th Dems and talk about Corruption, a subject near and dear to Glenn's heart. You could see Beck was salivating at th prospect of gettin a Dem on who had an ax to grind against his former party members, and was gonna pull out all th stops. He thought there was gonna be some bloodletting goin on. Ooooh, what a disappointment. This nutball tho didn't come thru for him. I enjoyed watchin Beck tryin to goad this guy into something controversial, but this Massa yahoo was just too fuckin stupid, leavin Beck frantically tryin to get a good quote of some kind...anything... but it didn't happen. At th end of his show, poor Glenn wound up apologizin for th whole farce.

Th one thing that got to me tho was this jerk Massa talkin about how he shared a place with 4 other bachelors, because he told Beck with a conspiratorial laugh,

"You know, as high as the rent is in this town, that's the only way I could afford a place."

Goddamn! Sheeit! Oh fuck, gimme a break, huh! Is there anything more absurd than listening to a Congressman whining about financial matters, like, they're jus like everybody else. I mean, hey peoples, do you have any idea at all how hard it is to get by on their measly $165,000 dollars a year? They want ya to know they feel yer pain. They have th audacity to bitch, without battin an eye, about th high costs of sending their three kids to Harvard, and th taxes on th beach house, and th high cost of aviation fuel fer their plane, and when th Hummer needs repairs, Oh brother! Yeah, it always tug's at my heartstrings and makes me jus wanna put a couple bucks in an envelope and send it to em. I feel soo bad fer em, y'know. How DO those poor folks get by? And then, to top it off, they get a pension fer th rest of their lives, even if they only serve one term.

So, remember ya'll, th next time yer feelin bad cus ya got a hole in yer shoe, and yer snivelin cus ya don't got a job to pay fer any new shoes......while yer gripin and complainin, those folks there in Washington, who are forced to try and get by on their lousy wages, are there makin sacrifices of their own. And they go thru all of those trials and hardships fer only one reason....TO HELP YOU! That's why they do it. So, stop with th whinin. Get a couple more jobs, if ya can find em, and remember yer Congressman next time there's an election...he needs, and more importantly, Deserves yer help too!

By th way, I heard some young twerp last nite in th bar proclaim in a loud, obnoxious voice,

"We'd all be a helluva lot better off, if it hadn't been for that godammed Clinton!"

Yep, all this shit goin down now is Clinton's fault. No kiddin! Even if he left office ten fuckin years ago and left a surplus behind him. And even tho his predecessor, Georgie-Porgie, one of those Republicans who are always whinin about Tax & Spend Dems, left th country teetering on Economic Catastrophe with a Trillion and a half dollar debt, and then, Obama addin to it....yep, it was all that godammed Clinton's fault!!

th cap'm

P.S. Some dude th other nite was givin me shit fer listenin to th likes of O'Reilly, Hannity, Beck and others of their ilk. It was as tho I was a Traitor, or somthin. He felt it was, like, a Sacrilege to even hear what they had to say.....as tho th very act of hearing it, would contaminate you. You would become odious and repugnant, and contagious, like a Leper to regular peoples. You would have to pay someone to walk in front of you proclaimin .....

"Beware! Un-Clean. Beware!"

as a warning to others so they wouldn't be stricken too. But sheeit ya'll, ya have to know what kinda garbage th other fucks are spewin. How else are ya gonna be hip to how bat-shit crazy they are? Remember what th Roadrunner always said, "Know thine enemy!"

Subject: MERCURY-HEAD EARRING
Date: Tuesday, March 9, 2010 6:16 PM

OK ya'll, since I have told ya so many times before about losing this earring, I thought I'd send ya a pic of it so ya had some idea of what I was talkin about. As you can see, it's missing the little hook that goes thru the ear at th moment. But mebbe ya can see how I let it tarnish black, but polish only th bas relief of Mercury's head, givin it a kinda cameo effect. Kinda cool I think. I have peoples ask me frequently where they might find such an earring themselves, but I have th only one in th world as far as I'm aware. Sorry bout that, but you know how it is...Life can be hard and cruel sometimes, rife with disappointment and heartache, no?! On th other hand sometimes it can be like a Bowl of Cherries, and if ya happen to like cherries, then yer in like Flynn. (an expression fer th old timers)

It's also pretty amusing that I'm discussin my earring with ya. This is not a conversation I thought I might be involved in forty yers ago. lol Ah, th Times, they do be changin, eh?! I jus hope th day never comes when I'm bitchin bout th price of panty-hose!

th cap'm

Subject: IN SYNCH WITH TRUDEAU
Date: Sunday, March 7, 2010 10:16 PM

I don't know if ya'll recall not too long ago when I was bitchin about about all th pundits on TV, especially Keith Olberman and his guests, constantly usin th phrase, "to throw someone under the bus" as a trite way of expressing lost confidence and support of an individual. It gets really tiring. Every night. I always wondered why they couldn't find some other way of getting that point across. Evidently it appears like Trudeau has noticed this trend too.

Check out today's strip.

th cap'm

Subject: GEORGE CARLIN-RELIGION IS BULLSHIT
Date: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 5:02 PM

WARNING: Religious Sensitive Material

The above warning is not a joke, OK! This bit is by Geo. Carlin, and so, if you are familiar with Carlin, you know he doesn't pull any punches, regardless of what sacred cow he is pummeling! So.... you are forewarned that if you take your Religion and it's precepts seriously, then I suggest you simply do not open this, because I can pretty much guarantee you that it WILL offend you! OK?! Save yourself the anguish and ignore it.

As for myself, I found it highly amusing and mirrors my own thoughts on the matter completely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o&NR=1

th cap'm

Subject: A MAGAZINE FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE
Date: Monday, March 1, 2010 11:42 PM

Mentioning Modern Drunkard Magazine in that earlier post got me to remembering the first time I saw it in back in '03. A subscription to it would make a swell gift to yer sweetie come next Valentine's Day when yer rackin yer brain to give somethin besides some useless flowers or candy. Whadda a waste, eh; like, how long's that gonna last?! This gift subscription will definitely give em somethin they can keep and treasure fer a long time and will also give em a glimpse of a side of yerself that they weren't aware of before.

I wrote this bit about my discovery back then. ('03 sometime) You can look it up on th Net to get a better idea if ya want?

th cap'm

I went out to Hollywood Video earlier today. They rent four movies for four days for four dollars there. Pretty good deal! They also have a very impressive variety of magazines available. If you're looking for a particular magazine, you'll prolly find it there. Row upon row, upon row of magazines you've never heard of before. While browsing, a certain title caught my eye; it was the current issue of 'MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE'. Perhaps you're not familiar with it.

This issue's featured articles are such as, "Black Out Like You Mean It"(make the most out of yer next trip to oblivion), "Heroes of Hooch", (saluting the super souses) "Etiquette for Inebriates" (modern manners for modern drunks) "The Dozen Staggering Steps" (12 steps to becoming a better drunk) and of course, the regular features such as , "Drink Your Way to Health", "Wino Wisdom", and much, much more. Well, in any case, being a life long card-carrying member of Boozers, Inc. I purchased a copy and I must tell you, I found it to be an interesting, informative and enjoyable read.
Not for every one, mind you, but for some of us.

the cap't

Subject: Sublime dancers (different generations) Fred & Eleanor (and Will and Maeva)
Date: Sunday, February 28, 2010 9:32 PM

This below was sent to me by my good buddy, Vegas Judy, who is from my high school graduation class 1959, H. H. Arnold H.S. Wiesbaden, Germany. This is so cool. The year is 1940. The narrator is Frank Sinatra. It was filmed in One unedited camera shot and is considered by many to be one of the best dance scenes ever filmed. Check it out; you'll dig it!

th cap'm

-----------------------------------------------------------------

One of my all-time favorite dance numbers (plus I love "Begin the Beguine" in Artie Shaw's arrangement).

This was also shown in "That's Entertainment" (besides the original movie "Golddiggers of 1940")

Here it is on You Tube, for those who prefer not to download:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PaXK01JYcQ

And while we're on dancing scenes, here's another favorite of mine (more contemporary)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QQzbCmlZM4&feature=PlayList&p=E95C1F44FF3939E1&index=0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QQzbCmlZM4&feature=PlayList&p=E95C1F44FF3939E1&index=0


Well, they're young dancers, weren't even born when boogie-woogie and rock and roll were first around - but they sure can dance! (The piano player is great too.)

Judy

-------------------------------------------------------------

How bout that? Was that fuckin cool, or what?! Man, I woulda given Your right arm if I could dance like that! But sheeit, both th Bunny Hop and th Hokey-Pokey were beyond my abilities. I was kickin right, when everyone else was kickin left, and then vice versa. Peoples didn't want me in their lines, messin with their vibe. Then when it came to th Jitterbug and th Boogie-Woogie, and that sorta thing, I might as well waited fer hell to freeze over first.... so instead, I was outside learnin how to smoke and drink and bein a JD! (juvenile deliquent) And I was pretty damned good at it too. Still am! Everybody's got a role to play kids.........mine was always just a bit more anti-social than my peers.

Subject: STICKER SHOCK 2010
Date: Sunday, February 28, 2010 5:26 PM

Wow, I jus got a good reminder of how far out of it I've become. I never fully realized the extent of th disconnect! I was jus at the CVS store and passin by th magazine rack, I happened to see an article on th cover of Newsweek that caught my eye. I stopped and scanned it for a few minutes and decided that rather than read it in th library, I'd jus go ahead and buy a copy fer very own. Until I saw th price on th cover.... and without meaning to, and without thinkin about it I blurted out loud,

"ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME!?!"

and this old geezer who happened to be walkin by at that moment me gave me a sideways look, and hastened his pace jus a bit, all th while checkin over his shoulder, makin sure I wasn't gonna creep on im. Well, I didn't reely blame im, cuz in this screwed up world we live in today, there are lotsa peoples wanderin around aimlessly, mutterin to themselves, babblin about this and that, and ya never know when one of em is gonna "go off"!

But what provoked this bit of audible outrage was th price on this crummy, little 54 page magazine was $5.95! Thas five dollars and ninety-five cents ya'll!! Godam! Thas outrageous! Who in th fuck pays $5.95 fer a Newsweek magazine? Not me Duke, but I guess th bigger question is: where in th fuck was I when all this was goin down? Admittedly, it's been years since I actually bought a magazine! As a matter of fact, th last magazine I bought was Modern Drunkard, and that was years ago! But I read magazines such as Newsweek fr'instance, at th library.....for FREE, and have never paid any attention to their price. (btw, th library doesn't carry Modern Drunkard)

So, now today, a measly 54 page issue of Newsweek is $5.95? I couldn't believe it! I checked Time right next to it and it was th same price. No wonder print media is goin th way of th dodo bird! I mean, I live a pretty frugal lifestyle. I can't afford to pay six bucks fer a thin, little magazine I can read cover to cover before my chicken is even done! Sheeit. I don't spend my money foolishly, I'm careful; I'm not a spendthrift.

Like, I buy all my threads at th thrift store. I seldom ever eat out, preferrin instead to administer my own food poisonings. Even my one big splurge, albeit a necessary one, my booze and drugs don't run me more than $250.00 a month. Sheeit, I jus spent $295.00 on my damned gas bill and that was fer nothin more than keepin warm....if ya call th 55-60 ÜV my crib has been all winter warm? And I'm still fumin about that, but whether I like it or not, I don't have a choice cuz those things are Necessities.

Spendin 6 dollars on a fuckin magazine is not!! Fer me, thas in th category of a Luxury and my current budget ain't got no room fer no Luxuries!

th cap'm

Subject: COPING WITH FAILURE
Date: Saturday, February 27, 2010 5:34 PM

I'm sure ya musta heard the advice peoples always give ya when ya failed at somethin. Like, yer ridin a horse, and ya fall off...peoples say,

"Ya can't be afraid, ya gotta get back on there!"

Yer workin on a ladder paintin a house, and ya fall."

Peoples say,

"C'mon, conquer yer fear, Get back up on that ladder!"

"Ya jump outta an airplane and yer chute doesn't open."

Peoples say,

"Man, that dude plowed in, eh!"

Well, mebbe that wasn't such a good example, huh? But ya catch my drift don'cha? Well, earlier, I was RE-laxin here on th sofa, and I thought about my disaster with th chicken a couple days ago. Th idea of eatin a chicken was not appealin to me at th moment, as I recalled th numerous trips to th bathroom and th knotted, cramped stomach, and th fever. But th more I thought about it, I got to thinkin, sheeit, chicken is an important part of my life! What am I gonna do.....be afraid of chicken now? Break out into a cold sweat and close my eyes every time I pass a KFC? Th whole notion of a chicken-less existence is not somethin I wanna go thru.

So, I figured th only thing to do was to, "Saddle up and ride!" so to speak. After my earlier fiasco, I still had two pieces of chicken left, so I went thru th preliminary prep motions again, heatin up my oil, seasonin th bird, and finally, when th oil was good and hot, sizzlin and splatterin, I droppin em in th pan..... SPLAT!...... OH FUCK! YEEEOOW! Godammit, why does this cooking gig have to be so fuckin painful? That godammit oil was HOT ese! Blisters here .. blisters there .. blisters everywhere.

Well, anyway, this time I decided that I was gonna make damned sure these dudes were well done...so I let em fry! And fry... and fry some more! And what I wound up with was some genuine blackened chicken!

I'm not jivin ya. No question about it, no discussion necessary... no one would dispute that this chicken was blackened. So, I warily ate em. that was about an hour ago and now I'm here on th sofa, wonderin....am I gonna be leapin up rushin to th john any minute and doin th Retch...or am I good once again with th Capon gods?

Like th Chinese Sage said, when asked what th future holds?

"We shall see."

th cap'm

Subject: DOIN TH CHICKEN
Date: Friday, February 26, 2010 6:48 PM

Y'know, I recently was askin about th proper kinda oil to use fer fryin chicken. I got lots of suggestions, all different. I had a hard time separating th wheat from th chaff. So, I went to th foods market and still undecided, did th eenie-meenie-minee-mo thing, altho quietly so as not to offend, y'dig! Finally, I picked up some peanut oil, and some chicken too. Ever since then, I'd been thinkin bout chicken a lot, knowhutahmsayin. I've had fried chicken on my mind. So, last nite, I decided to do somthin about it.

Here's what I did; I poured some of the peanut oil in a pan, seasoned my 3 chicken laigs, and decided to flash fry em! I did em fer bout 5 minutes on each side....mebbe. Then I sat down to enjoy.
Now looky here, if you would like to fry some chicken yerself sometimes, lemme give ya a bit of advice to make th whole operation go more smoothly. Three important things to do to ensure yer mission is successful. And by successful, I mean, so that no one goes to th hospital! I assure ya, that all three of these tips will help prevent that.

TIPS FROM TH CAP'M FER A BETTER TOMORROW!

First: Cook yer chicken longer than 10 minutes! I know this sounds simple, but it's hard to jus stand around whistling Broadway show tunes while yer standin there waitin ferever, especially in these frenetic and unstable times. One feels th need to DO somthin, y'know what I mean!

Second: After ya cut into th bird, when th juices run red, STOP! Put yer chicken back in th pan some more. See, it's not ready yet! Yer supposed to wait a while longer, like, til th juices run clear. But as fer my own damn bad self, I jus said, "Fuck it!" and continue my repast. Don't do this at home kids!

But, I'm a very busy person, y'unnerstan, and I don't have time to be hangin round th stove waitin on some damn chicken.

Third: As yer eatin yer bird, pay some attention to th texture. By pokin th meats, whatever meats yer eatin, ya can get a good idea as to it's doneness by simple feelin th meat with yer index finger. But check this; this is better and takes less skill; like, if ya take a bite and it feels slippery/mushy/slushy...STOP... and put yer bird back in th pan. It's not done yet! When it has th consistency and texture of custard, that means yer rushin it a bit.

Take these three tips and remember em. You'll be glad ya did. Oh sure, there's other stuff I could tell ya, but, y'know, Time and Space Problems prohibit!

Now, to th point of my tale. I ignored and violated all three of these steps, cuz I figured over th years of eatin stuff jus like that, that mebbe coulda used a bit more cookin, I had prolly built up a certain immunity, y'know what I mean! Other peoples succumb to those parasites...but not th cap'm!

WRONG!

Ooooowie, was I wrong! This time however I paid dearly fer my Hubris. I have visited my bathroom 8 or 19 times since noon. I'm tryin to put those sordid events outta my mind as though they never happened. It's not that I'm in Denial here or anything, aw'right, but I'm not gonna get graphic about what has been goin on these past several hours, but lemme tell ya, at this point my stomach is twisted into a square knot, and my fish oil supplements that I take haven't done anything to make it more fun!!

And I loathe th taste of fish even under normal circumstances. It's been a long afternoon kids! But I swear by th light of th silvery moon that when th sun comes up, I will eat no more undercooked foods forever!

But, oh wait, this is worth mentioning. A little while ago durin Intermission, when th Latrino Express was idling fer a few minutes, I remembered all th hoopla about some chemo patients sayin that smokin some weed alleviated their upset stomach. Now I have never done any marijuana in my life fer any reason other than to get stoned, but I figured in this case, what th hell, my stomach is upset, and I have some weed!! Let's jus see if that will help?

After two righteous hits off th bong, all I can say is; I haven't had to purge myself in over an hour now. AND ....... I'M VERY PLEASANTLY STONED TOO! I'm hopin this reprieve is not jus a temporary thing, but mebbe means th worst is over! And I wonder too, if this means that I will be able to do partake in my usual drinking activities later on? We can only hope, eh!

Aw'right now kids, remember what th cap'm told ya! You'll feel better, and yer tummy will feel a helluva lot better too!

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: How to Fix Congress...
Date: Thursday, February 25, 2010 4:40 AM

Aw'right ya'll, a buddy sent this to me. I have known this guy for more than 40 years and during that time there have been very few things, politically, that we agree on. He is as far to the Right as I am to the Left..... however in spite of our political differences we have remained friends all these years. On this particular issue though, I am in complete agreement with him.

There is nothing in the below proposal I disagree with! NADA! Of course, none of these things will ever come to pass, because those in Power, never relinquish it voluntarily. It is simply not to be taken seriously that these same individuals who shamelessly vote themselves raises and all manner of perks would then vote themselves off of the gravy train. Not gonna happen! No way---No how!

th cap'm

Congressional Reform Act of 2010

1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six year Senate terms
B. Six Two year House terms
C. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

2. No Tenure / No Pension:

A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

6. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11 .

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

If you agree with the above, pass it on to all in your address list. If not, just delete.

Subject: CURLING--OLYMPICS
Date: Thursday, February 25, 2010 4:03 AM

Is there any Olympic event dumber than this? I mean, it's a kinda interesting game, but how can any one claim this to be a sport? Sheeit, a ten year old kid could play this so called sport with his grandmother! And either one of them could win the game.

Then, listening to the commentators, going into detail discussing the play and strategy, it's hard to suppress a smile at the absurdity of it all!!

The one biggest competitor they might have in terms of sheer stupidity would be the event where they ski and then stop to shoot a rifle. What the fuck is that all about? But, at least, the skiing part of it requires some physical skills! But curling??? Gimme a break, Pleeze!

th cap'm

Subject: LAST CHEF STANDING
Date: Monday, February 22, 2010 4:24 PM

The last chef standing? Who would that be you ask? Well, evidently.... it's ME! OK, stop all the snickering and chortling because I know there may be some peoples who might question the whole notion of even referring to me as a chef, but to those peoples I say... Fuck You! OK!? Come over to my crib sometime and enjoy a repast of some of my fried chicken, if you won't take my word on it.
Here's the deal; yesterday I was down by your Price Chopper in Brookside. I was trying to decide what kind of cooking oil to buy? Whatever kind of stuff I've currently been using seems to smoke a lot, and thus renders my chickens with what you might describe as "a burnt chicken" taste which I'm not overly fond of. So, while I was standing there looking at the various oils available, there was a middle aged lady close by. So I thought maybe she could help me a bit. I said,

"Ahem...um.. scuse me Mam, but could you tell me which of these various oils would be best for frying chicken in? The oil I'm using now seems to burn too quickly."

And this lady looked me up and down disdainfully, like she was looking at a giant cockroach, and said in this sneering, contemptuous tone of voice,

"I'm sure I wouldn't know because I have NEVER in my life fried a chicken and I have no intention of starting now!"

WHOA! Godam, are you kidding me? All I did was ask this bitch for a bit of friendly advice about some cooking oil and she responded like I had asked her if she liked fried maggots or something! What the fuck! Well, needless to say, I wasn't really prepared for that kind of outburst and was momentarily speechless. She started to push her cart away and all I could come up with was a lame retort,

"Hey lady, nobody asked you to fry a chicken, OK, but how about kissing my ass instead?"

She just gave me a dirty look and her mouth was moving and I think she was about to say something else, but then I think she figured the best thing to do was simply ignore me and move on. In retrospect, I think she made a good decision! I always hate being escorted out of the grocery store by Security, y'know what I mean!?

So, I was still standing there ... pondering the issue, trying to decide, when another lady moved into the vicinity. Once again, I repeated my question, but this lady was a lot friendlier and she laughed while she said,

"I'm sorry, but you asked the wrong person, because I've never fried a chicken before. I just buy mine at take-out. Sorry!"

Damn, she'd never fired a chicken before either? Really? This was two ladies in a row, who claimed they'd never fried a chicken before? Finally, I asked a third lady, and while she wasn't really sure, she suggested I try the peanut oil. She told me that it had been ten years since she fried a chicken, but that she thought peanut oil was what she used to use. Ten years?

What the fuck is going on? I mean, sheeit! Am I the only person around who still fries chicken? Am I the last of the Mohicans, so to speak? Am I, like, some kind of relic of a bygone era when peoples used to fry their own chickens? Do young peoples today think that if you want fried chicken, you have to go to KFC to get it? Damn! This whole notion of being au courant and hip can be confusing. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm moving forward or whether I'm regressing?

Later on in the evening, sitting there at the bar, I was telling some friends about my encounter in the cooking oil section. And in the subsequent conversation about chicken, I reiterated my long held grievance with Chef Paul Prudhomme of New Orleans, who is known for his Cajun cooking style. He has been getting all the credit for his style of blackened cooking which includes blackened chicken and fish and other things. I told them of how I, my own damn bad self, has been burning, blackening and charring foods before anyone had ever heard of him! And as soon as I said that, this gurl busted out laughing and guffawing and said,

"Charley, you are sooo crazy!" and she laughed some more, and was just cracking up.

I said,

"What's so funny?"

And in between her loud, boisterous guffaws she said in a slow, condescending voice, like you might use on a 5 year old,

"Charley, they don't call it blackened because they burn it, they call it that because of the seasonings they put on it."

And I immediately erupted,

"BULLSHIT! They call it that because they put the seasonings on it, which include a lot of pepper, and then they fry it until it's crispy, and then they fry it some more until the crispy burns black, and that's why they called it "blackened".

In between her giggling and chortling at my stupidity, she flat out nixed that idea, She said over and over in a really loud voice, laughing all the while,

"You are soo wrong on this. You are soo wrong! I can't believe you think that's where they get that name!"

I was starting to get just a little pissed, because this particular gurl constantly challenges just about anything I say. Doesn't matter what it is. Like, fr'instance, if I said it was snowing outside, she would say it wasn't snowing outside in Phoenix. So, I raised the stakes and the volume too. I said in a pretty loud aggressive voice myself,

"I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll bet you fifty bucks against your five bucks I'm correct and You're the one that's wrong! So either put up your lousy five dollars or shut the fuck up!" and I slapped a fifty on the table.

Well, I guess 10 to 1 odds weren't good enough, because she declined the bet. I kept chiding her saying,

"Well, c'mon, I mean, sheeit, if you're so sure of yourself, you're only risking five crummy dollars but you can pick up a quick fifty if you're right! So, go ahead, take the sure fifty!"

But, she said,

"No, that's all right, I'm not going to bet you. I don't want your money Charley!"

Ha ha You know, anytime anyone gives you this lame excuse to back out of a bet; you know what

Bullshit that is! So, sensing it was getting a bit out of hand, someone changed the subject. Then just a minute later, she saw a guy who worked in a restaurant and called him over and put the question to him,

"Do they call blackened chicken that, because of the seasonings they put on it, or because they actually burn it black?"

The dude confirmed my version. But of course, even this from a long time restaurant worker wasn't enough to get her to admit I was right. She said, she still thought it was because of the seasonings, but she would look into it further. I just scoffed and said,

"Fuck, even if that copy-cat Prudhomme hisself told you, you still wouldn't admit.... let's face it, I'm right; you're wrong!! It's what we call.... REALITY!"

Damn! But some peoples piss me off!

Connoisseur of Blackened Foods,
Chef Hoohah

Subject: SNOW EVERMORE
Date: Saturday, February 20, 2010 9:33 PM

Oh drat, I just looked out my window to see giant snow flakes fluttering to the ground. I mean, these were big suckers; as big as a 50 cent coin. And they were falling down everywhere! All over the place. Ruining my plans for the evening once again. Those peoples down in the warmer climes, as they recline in their lawn chairs, sipping a cold Bud, leisurely perusing the paper, must just shake their heads in bafflement at the Idiocy of the rest of us who endure this annual ordeal. They can't help but ask themselves,

"Are those peoples fucking crazy, or what? Why would anyone with half a brain choose to go through that every year?"

I don't blame em. I ask myself the same question every year myself.

Right now I just have one more question: what I would like to know is...... just when in the fuck is this godammed interminable fucking winter going to be over? I'm sick of it!

This Mr. Winter has made a lotta enemies this year! Oh, I'm sure they like him at the ski resorts and so on, but the rest of us would like to take his ass into the alley and give him a righteous stomping. Put some Steel-Toed Industrial Strength Boots his ribs and kidneys. Tell im,

"And thas jus in case ya got any other snow storms in mind fer us this year! Ya sumbitch!"

th cap'm

Subject: GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE
Date: Wednesday, February 17, 2010 3:08 PM

On the tombstone of Homo Sapiens,
"Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!"

th cap'm

Subject: CONSUMER TIP FROM TH CAP'M
Date: Tuesday, February 16, 2010 2:55 PM

Aw'right ya'll, I've got a good one for you. For all my life I've had troubles with my light bulbs. They burn out so quickly. When they say they're good for a 1000 hours, I say

COW-CACA!! No way Jose! Sheeit, I don't think any of them last even 250 hours, but y'know, who's measuring? But anyway, I have been replacing light bulbs about every two or three weeks, since the mists of time. It seemed like every time I hit a light switch ...POP...there went another one. This has been going on forever, y'unnerstan? Finally, I said, BASTA! Or as Roberto Duran said, "No mas! ... No mas!"

So, about a year and a half ago, or maybe even more ..... I don't remember exactly, but let's just say, a long time ago, OK, I bought a dozen of those long lasting fluorescent bulbs, y'know, the weird ones with the little tubes spiraling around. And in all that time, not a single one of them has burned out! These things last fucking forever! Sheeit, I'm beginning to wonder if any of them will ever burn out? And... they use less electricity. So, summing up, they last a long time and they are cheaper to operate too!

So, here's what you do; buy yourself a dozen of these, and as your regular bulbs burn out, replace them with these, until gradually all of your bulbs are of the fluorescent type. Once you install them, go on about your daily routine and forget about them. You'll have no more burnt out light bulbs! You won't be wasting valuable time, time that could be better spent on more productive projects, instead of worrying about when you get home, if a bulb is going to
go kaput on you!

Good Luck! I hope this helps.
The Consumer's Compadre,
El Capitano

P.S. One small caveat: these bulbs don't put out as much light as a regular bulb. A 100 watt fluorescent bulb is about equal to a regular 60 watt bulb. It would seem that a 100 watts is not always equal!

Subject: UNCLUTTERING THE MIND
Date: Monday, February 15, 2010 3:22 PM

I hate cliches and euphemisms. Why don't peoples just say what they want without all the trite, cutesy expressions they use? Y'know, like, it really bugs me when some weather wonk says,

"We may be getting some white stuff later on in the afternoon."

"WHITE STUFF?" Does he mean fucking SNOW? Well, then why not just say snow instead? What's with this white stuff bullshit? Do they think they're talking to a bunch of 8 year olds?

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Oh, and by the way boyz n gurlz, all of you Global Climate Change Unbelievers, here's a little cliche for you, "Weather is local: climate is global!" The Global Climate change folks made a big mistake when referring to this problem originally as Global Warming. Because just like after these bad winter storms we've had lately, the Unbelievers seem to think that that means the whole notion is crazy. These folks just conveniently ignore the fact that 2009 was the warmest year on record. And the decade from 2000 to 2010 was again, the warmest decade since we have been keeping these kind of stats. If you ever notice the biggest denyiers are those businesses and corporations that contribute the most to this problem. Just like for scores of years the Tobacco Industry denied that smoking and cancer were linked, in spite of mountains of evidence to the contrary, so today do the Captains of Industry continue to deny what their role is in this catastrophe! They don't really give a shit about anything other than their bottom line!! Nothing is more important to them than PROFIT!!

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Why do bartenders always ask peoples if they want training wheels? Why don't they just ask if they want a lemon or lime with their drink? "Training wheels" Sheeit, yeah I know, it sounds cute, but fuck a bunch of cute!

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Why is it, especially if drunk, when gettin their pic taken, do some peoples make their eyes bug out and let their tongue loll outta their mouth like they're some kinda droolin idiot? Usually this is in a group pic and usually it's a guy, but not necessarily so. And this person does this every time. We all know the fucking idiot, every group has one. I guess they're trying to portray an image of themselves as just a fun loving and carefree kinda person. What a character eh?! These morons can always be counted on to do the unexpected, can't they? Look through your old photos sometimes and see the Idiots I'm talking about.

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I wonder why Melville chose the name Moby Dick for his whale?

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We're lost, but we're making good time.

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If you have nothing to say, please don't elaborate.

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I have been seeing this ad on the TeeVee about a copy of a $50.00 gold coin. The price had been 50 dollars, but has now been reduced for a limited time to $19.95. And because it's such a good deal, you are limited to purchase only two. (but I suspect that you could actually buy 50 of em if you wanted, or 10,000 even!!) OK, keep in mind that this is not an actual $50 dollar gold piece, but only a copy instead. They show a chart demonstrating that gold has been skyrocketing recently, so of course, you should buy your coin immediately. They point out that this coin is clad in 31 mili-grams of gold. That means it has 31/1000 of one gram of gold and keep in mind there are 28 grams per oz. OK, so if gold is at 1000 @oz, and this coin has 31/1000ths of a gram, which is, remember, 1/28th of an ounce ..... so if you do the math, the "coin" has about a $1.10 cents worth of gold in it, and it cost 20 fookin dollars! What a deal, huh!! This is what is known as a shrewd investment. And keep this important fact in mind, if times ever get real tough for you, you'll have enough gold to buy yourself a Whopper Jr then! Whoopie, eh!!

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By the way, anytime anything increases these days, it is always described as skyrocketing. Nothing simply increases anymore, nah that's old-timey; today it skyrockets!

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There was a guy who survived the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. So he fled immediately to go and stay with relatives in Nagasaki. True! He just died recently at the age of 93. That's quite a story isn't it!

A guy survives two atomic bombs and then lives to age 93! I wonder which god he prayed to, eh?
TSUTOMU YAMAGUCHI

The only official survivor of both atomic blasts to hit Japan in World War Two, died Jan. 4th in Nagasaki, Japan of stomach cancer. He was 93. Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip when the Us dropped the first bomb on the morning of Aug. 6th, 1945. Yamaguchi returned to Nagasaki, his home town, the following day, according to interviews he gave over the years. The 2nd bomb was dropped on Aug. 9th.

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Sometimes at night before going to bed I like to stare into a bright light for a few seconds so that when I turn the light out, I am enveloped in total darkness. Can't see a thing. It's completely black. And then I like to watch with open eyes as some grays start to develop, and soon, gradually, you can begin to make out objects, and after a few minutes you can see pretty clearly. What fun at bedtime, eh boyz n gurlz!

-------------------------------------------------------

Y'know, at least once a week, someone asks me if I'm a musician and want to know what instrument I play? I always tell them that,

"No, I'm not a musician. In fact I have so little musical talent that I have a hard time playing the radio.

Too much static, you know what I mean." And I further tell them that, "Although I occasionally toot my own horn, but other than that, I don't play any musical instruments either." (OK. No snide remarks here about the skin-flute)

I don't know why, but they usually seem disappointed!

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Why, why, why in the fucking world would peoples advocate allowing someone to carry a gun into a bar? How fucking crazy is that? Does that not seem like a recipe for disaster? You want to let peoples whose judgement is impaired by booze, have access to a gun? When certain personality types get drunk and then become loud, obnoxious and belligerent, you want them to be armed? It's beyond my comprehension. You don't let them drive a car when drunk... but you would let them carry a gun while getting drunk? What the fuck is that all about? Sheer Insanity, that's what that is! Hey, I don't care if you want a gun to go hunting, or if you'd like to keep one around your crib for your personal safety.... No Problema! But sheeit, I sure as hell don't want to be in a bar with 50 drunks, all of whom are strapped! Not my idea of a fun night!

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Remember: the stories you tell... also tells a story about you too.

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th cap'm

Subject: TORNADOS
Date: Saturday, February 13, 2010 2:03 AM

I just got this a few minutes ago from my amigo, Bruce the Rodgers. Wearing high-impact resistant suit to ensure survival, Adventurer Steve Green unveils plans to become the first man to walk into oncoming tornado.

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CANTON, Ohio, Feb. 11, 2010 -- Steve Green's famous for stalking and conquering a tornado in his famed "Tornado Attack Vehicle" in a field nearly six years ago, but that feat pales in comparison to his next mission. The 49-year-old Green, a former NASCAR driver, is planning to elevate his adrenaline level to even greater height in 2010 by walking into a tornado - and surviving to tell the tale.
"Are you serious?" is the first question that comes to mind for the skeptics questioning the wisdom of voluntarily entering a tornado sporting wind speeds up to 160 mph. The reason, according to Green, is a simple one. It's never been done before.

That's the same logic that propelled Green to fame as a tornado hunter after driving into a twister June 12, 2004 in Mulvane, Kansas. He was carried into the battle aboard his customized vehicle equipped with a 700-horsepower V-8 and enough impact-resistant material to test even a Baghdad street. That act of courage was witnessed and filmed by Discovery's Storm Chaser Reed Timmer, then serving as Green's Tornado Attack meteorologist.

"I'm planning to walk into a tornado's path. It's not an act of suicide or a measure of blind faith. Nobody else has ever done anything like this to my knowledge," said Green. "I really like going where no one else has been, but that's not my entire reason for attempting this feat. It's really a matter of having fun in life - probably some of the same thoughts that people like Chuck Yeager, Charles Lindbergh, Neal Armstrong had."

Make no mistake. Green's placing his fate in the hands of cutting-edge technology blended together in his own tailor-made bulletproof suit. Returning to his racing roots,

Green has even tested the ballistic-resistant suit in a North Carolina wind tunnel. He's planning to enter a tornado this season, when conditions are ideal.

Wearing cameras mounted on his helmet, wrist and chest, Green will offer a live streaming video while collecting pressure, temperature and other weather data.
----------------------------------
Oh boy, what fun, eh boyz n gurlz! But I hope this guy has his affairs in order when he decides to pull off this little stunt!

Th whole notion kinda reminds me, years ago I was rappin to this gurl about a money-making idea I had. My idea y'see, was to make and sell a portable tornado shelter. It was to resemble a small, compact tent, easy to carry around, which at th touch of a button would unfold, and so if ya saw a tornado coming at ya, you would simply unfold yer shelter and crawl in and zip yerself up, leavin yerself safe and sound while th pesky tornado passed over you. Now this gurl was a tornado chaser herself and told me it was a great idea. She was real enthusiastic and wondered why no one had ever thought of that before, and she said that there was definitely a market for something like that, especially among peoples like herself. She said she'd buy one!!

Well, I was kinda stunned at her reaction, becuz I was obviously joking, and assumed she knew that becuz of her own tornado experiences and so on, but instead, she took me serious. I guess she didn't thought a tornado wouldn't be able to pick you up in yer little tent and slam you to th ground miles away. I told her she would be the first to know when they were available.

But as I get to thinkin about it, I'm wonderin....hmmmmm...mebbe I was too hasty in dismissin her? Mebbe this is my shot at Th Big Time! Whadda ya think? After all, th American peoples are about as stupid/gullible a bunch as ya can find anywhere. I mean, lookit their fascination with Sarah Palin. Does that boggle th mind, I ask ya? Sheeit, I'll bet I coulda made a killin at her last speaking gig. I mean, those dumb fucks paid $550 bucks to listen to her babble on.... Heck, if I had set up a booth outside th door as they exited, still all excited and enthused by her, they prolly woulda jumped at a Portable Tornado Shelter.

Hey, what about youse guys? Is that somethin you might wanna buy yer Sweetie fer say, like, Valentine's Day mebbe? And looky here, I'm not castin aspersions, OK? I'm not makin any judgments of any kind. I jus thought ya might wanna do all ya can to protect yer Loved Ones, thas all. Lemme know, cuz I could get a production line goin in no time!

th cap'm

Subject: REALLY COOL PICTURES
Date: Thursday, February 11, 2010 8:27 PM

I got this earlier from my buddy Beeg Jeem. How fucking cool is this? I don't know where he gets this stuff, but I'm sure glad he passes em on to me. Man, this is really fascinating. Have you ever returned from a vacation and when you looked at your photos, wondered,

"Why in the hell did I take this?",

because the photo you wind up with didn't begin to capture the whole panorama there you were trying to share?

By the way, the 3-D production features of Avatar simple blew me away. Spoiled me for good. Financial reasons would be the only justification for any director not using these techniques in the future. It's like watching a black and white movie. Why would any one choose to make a black and white movie these days? If the idea of a movie is to make it as real as possible, why would some one elect to make a movie in two dimensions, when we live in a three dimensional world. And it's in color too!

Check these out!

th cap'm

http://www.utah3d.net/index.html

Subject: AVATAR: THE MOVIE
Date: Thursday, February 11, 2010 5:24 PM

OK ya'll, earlier I woke up at th crack of noon, as usual, and was feelin adventurous fer some reason. So, instead of lying about here on th sofa all afternoon, doin th Couch Potato Boogie, countin th cracks on th ceiling, I decided to go to a movie instead. It's been a while; like, th last movie I saw was th first Lord Of The Rings. When was that...mebbe ten years ago?

Lately, I've had a number of peoples tellin me to go and see Avatar. They kept tellin me what a great movie it was!! I kept thinkin, yeah yeah, big deal, if I spent 300-400 million bucks makin a movie, it'd prolly be pretty good too! But, anyway, I figured today would be a good time to check it out.
So I went on down to th Cinemark in th Plazah and caught th Afternoon Geezer Matinee fer $6.50. My first thought was; this is an Outrage. Y'know how I told ya jus a couple days ago bout seein double-features fer a fookin dime back in th olden days? I was gonna raise hell and point that fact out to th yung gurl behind th window, but then I thought she would jus write it off to th ramblins of another old codger lamenting th ol days, so I held my tongue. But, sheeit, I don't usually waste this kinda monies on superfluous, collateral things like movies, y'know, money that could well be better spent on essentials like Booze and Drugs, y'dig!? But I figured, what th hell, take a walk on th wild side, eh!

Now, I don't know whether ya knew it or not, but this movie is in 3-D. Ho-hum...big deal. I've been to this rodeo before, y'know. Like, I saw the Creature From The Black Lagoon and also House Of Wax, both in 3-D back in 1954, so like, this wasn't breakin any new ground with me. But lemme jus say this---they've made some advances in 3-D technology in th past 55 years, no jive!

Aw'right, if yer wonderin what I thought of this movie, I can sum it up in One Word,

MAGNIFICENT...SPLENDID...STUPENDOUS...AWESOME...EXCELLENT...
STUNNING...AMAZING...MIND-BOGGLING...BREATH-TAKING...JAW-DROPPING...SUPERB...BRILLIANT...DAZZLING...UNBELIEVABLE...OUTSTANDING...
TERRIFIC...SUPER...and VERYGOOD!

Yeah sure, I know, I know.....it cost me th equivalent of four beers, but still............

th cap'm

Subject: JOHN EDWARDS, PRICK, ASSHOLE, PIECE OF SHIT
Date: Wednesday, February 10, 2010 4:30 PM

Well now, finally......we have John Edwards copping out that he actually did father th child, that he has been denying vehemently since these rumors first surfaced during th nomination process. Th guy has absolutely no ethics or morals of any kind. A scumbag of th First Degree. Think of how close this piece of shit was to attaining a role of real power. He is, and evidently always was, nothing but a power-hungry, egotistical asshole. Talk about a classless act. He's right up there with Newt Gingrich, who several years ago was divorcing his most recent wife as she lay dying in th hospital of cancer!

Th below is part of a bit I wrote about a Republican scandal at th time, back there in '09. I don't remember which particular one it was right off hand, cuz there have been so many of them from th Party of Family Values one can't keep track of em all! But this bit below was included in that rant on th hypocrisy of our elected leaders.

June 20, '09

"These guys seem to be runnin, balls to th wall, hell bent on Self-Destruction don't they? Seems to be one scandal after another. And this is th party of Family Values? haha Heck ya can always find a Repub some where flappin his gums about Family values"! Th ones who love to get up on their soap boxes and preach about th Sanctity of Marriage. Th ones who try and portray themselves as morally superior to th Dems becuz of their strong commitment to God, Country, and Family. Th same smug bastards would have ya believe that th Dems are a bunch of godless, immoral heathens. What a joke! And furthermore, what a bunch of fuckin Hypocrites!

Of course, th Dems are just as bad when it comes to their actual behavior. I mean, talk about Chutzpa and Hubris; look no further than John Edwards, cheating on his terminally ill wife, right in th midst of a Presidential campaign! Wow! How big of a prick do ya have to be to top that? I remember, back early in th race for th nominee, when it was disclosed that his wife had terminal cancer, I said th only thing he could do then was to drop out, put his Presidential aspirations aside for th moment. Stand by his wife in her time if need. But noooo, John told us that it was too important for th Country, to deprive us of his Leadership. That his family's own problems couldn't be allowed to stand in th way of th National Interest. And then he trotted out his faithful wife, to stand by him. To support him even tho she's dying. That was all Bad enuff. But then to find out he had been cheatin on her all along as had been rumored, Wow, too fucking much!

So, evidently, if ya weren't already aware of it, it doesn't reely matter whether you a Democrat or Republican be, if yer a politician, yer a lyin snake-in-th-grass piece of shit who doesn't care about anything except yer own personal stake. And fuck everything else! If it's in yer own personal interest, you will do it regardless of th consequences to any body else.

------------------------------------------

So, here we are now in 2010 and John Edwards finaly sez,

"Aw'right, aw'right, I admit it, godammit.....the baby is mine!"

Piece of shit! And so is his flunky who is now blowin th whistle on him. He's jus as bad. He willingly went along with th whole farce all this time. Never said a word about it......ever th loyalist..... until he could make a few bucks off it, that is! Jus another political scumbag. And while we're at it, we can't give his wife an El Paso on th whole thing either, since she knew about his affair herself, even as her lying sack o shit husband was denyin it all. Fuck em all!!

If there's one thing that th Tea Baggers got right, out of all th crap they spew is that......all those fuckers there in DC are bags o shit!! Some are jus bigger bags than others!!

th cap'm

Subject: TO DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
Date: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 2:31 PM

Do ya'll recall, jus a couple months ago when photos of Olympic Gold Medal Winner Michael Phelps surfaced and he was seen smoking a bong? Oh boy, there was quite an outcry about it at the time; peoples were outraged and incensed. Several of his sponsors had threatened to back out of his endorsement deals. I guess they were afraid of the message that was being sent out to the youth of America. It just wouldn't do to have this young American Gold Medalist smokin dope!! Oh the Shame...the Shame!

I dunno, I saw the whole thing differently myself. The main message I could draw from the affair was that;

"Hey kids! If you want to be like Michael Phillips and win Accolades, Wealth and Fame by winning 8 Gold Medals in the Olympics, you can start now, by smoking marijuana early and often! It worked for Michael, maybe it will work for you too!"

But then I have often seen things from a different perspective than others!

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: BIRTH AND DEATH OF MOVIE,TV STARS - Remembering Old Westerns
Date: Sunday, February 7, 2010 5:12 PM

OK ya'll, I'm passing this along for the sake of the old farts, cuz the younger farts won't know any of these guys. But when I was a kid back in the late ‘40s and early ‘50s, I spent a lotta time with these hombres. On a Saturday afternoon, a kid could catch a double-header for a dime. For you young twerps, a double-header was TWO movies, for the price of one. When was th last time YOU got a deal like that, eh? And for that dime, ya also got some cartoons, also a short by maybe Laurel & Hardy or the Three Stooges, and possibly a serial, like Superman. An entire afternoon of fun and entertainment for a fookin dime!! Now, flash forward to today, where a movie costs ya Ten Bucks! Whadda drag, eh!

By the way, as ya see these characters, keep yer eyes out fer Lash LaRue. He was one of my favorites. Th dude carried a bull whip, and when ya finally pissed im off, he could take that bullwhip and snap a cigar right outta a bad hombre's mouth, or yank a pistol right outta his hand. But what I especially liked about him, besides his uncanny ability with th bullwhip, he always wore a black outfit, which was normally a no-no fer a good guy. Good guys wore white; bad guys wore black. Y'know, things were simpler back then. It made it pretty easy to identify early on in the movie, jus who it was ya wanted to be rootin fer. But see, Lash LaRue didn't play that game. Like, if somebody had said to him,

"Hey dude, yer askin fer trouble wearin an outfit like thet, cus everybody knows 'good guys wear white'."

He woulda jus said,

"Fuck that shit, I'm gonna wear black and if ya don't like it, mebbe I'll jus give ya a little taste of some leather, eh?"

and then uncurl that long, black whip. And that would be enuff to shut up his sartorial critics right pronto. Sheeit, LL is one of th reasons why I wear black myself these days. It's as a homage to Lash LaRue, y'dig?! Sometimes some young punk will ask me,

"Say pops, whas up with th black threads? Yer always in some black; whas up with that?"

And I jus say,

"Lash LaRue. You figger it out from there kid!"

OK, so check this out.

Remembering Old Westerns -- Those Old Westerns

http://oldfortyfives.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm

th cap'm

P.S. I always liked Wild Bill Elliot too. Like, he'd walk into a saloon and order up some sarsaparilla, and some drunken galoot would make fun of im and give im a bunch of shit. But he'd always ignore the taunts and reply,

"I'm a peaceable man!"

and then he'd proceed to kick th shit outta em! Whenever ya went to a Wild Bill Elliot movie, ya waited fer that moment, cuz some smart-ass was gonna get his clock cleaned by pushin Bill too far. Th assholes jus wouldn't let up, and ya knew they were gonna pay fer it! It never failed.

Subject: WHO SEZ REPUBLICANS ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED?
Date: Wednesday, February 3, 2010 4:50 PM

You've probably heard this on th news th past couple days, but if ya haven't, check this out.
Latest post from: Poll: What Republicans believe

(http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2010/02/02/2192097.aspx)

OK ya'll, I know... this poll makes the average Republican sound like fookin Morons. Now, I know some Republicans personally, and they're not all this stupid. No, no, really now, stop all th snickerin and gigglin.... they're not! LOL

But last nite, sittin there at th bar, it was a very slow, quiet nite and these two women and this guy were talkin politics. They were carryin on about Sarah Palin and Obama and various ridiculous allegations, some of which are mentioned right here in this poll. I sat there listenin to their absurd crap, but didn't say anything. I mean, y'know, like, what would be th point, y'dig? Ya might as well try and convince some Muslim terrorist fanatic that Jesus is the Way and the Light! But, at one point in a lull in th political discussion, one of em, this drunk, slovenly woman, mid-50's or so, looked at her watch and said this to her cohorts, (note: it was 9:30 PM then)

"Hey you guys, I've been here since 2:30 this afternoon. I've been drinkin for six hours now."

And th guy thought about it fer a second and said,

"No, no, if you started at 2:30 that means you've been here for eight hours now."

But then, th third gurl, started slowly and methodically counting on her fingers and declared,

"No! You're both wrong. You've been here for seven hours now!"

So now, they had three different answers to this puzzling question and this started another lively discussion among th three of em, each one tryin to make their case, all usin different procedures to justify their own answers, like, th guy sez,

"OK, if it's 9:30 now, and she came in at 2:30......hmmmm.....let's see, that means........"
but th old hag keeps sayin,

"Bullshit, I been here fer six hours, I oughta know how long I've been here."

And th smart one of th bunch, th younger gurl, she's pretty darned sure of herself, cuz she's still countin on her fingers and tickin th hours off........

And th whole time, I was sittin there, listenin, takin it all in, squirmin in my seat ...... cuz I knew th answer Duke! I wanted to raise my arm and wave it about, and say,

"I know! I know! Call on me! Somebody ask me! I know th correct answer cuz I've had schoolin."

But, no one asked fer my opinion! After a minute or so, exchangin ideas, theories and possibilities, they finally decided that th gurl who had said seven was right! Whew! That was a tuff one, eh!! And they were darned pleased with themselves too, grinnin and puffin their chests out with pride. It jus goes to show ya what three typical Republicans can do when they put their heads together to solve problems.
So...jus in case ya ever wondered what th hell goes thru th minds of Sarah Palin fans, y'know, like, hangin on her every word, eyes glazed over, mouths open, drool hangin off their chins; here was a classic example, as I listened to th thought processes of three of em. Aw'right, and keep in mind, this wasn't a conversation I overheard in th ward in th Loony Bin either..... nope, this was three regular, normal, right-wing, neo-con individuals, in a public place discussin a simple-assed math problem and it took these imbeciles a couple minutes to figure it out. And remember boyz n gurlz; these same three morons Vote, they drive cars, have jobs, drink in saloons..... but th most frightening thing of all is ...... th one that leaves ya weak in th knees.........they breed!

Ohh lordy, save us!

On th other hand, I dunno, mebbe I'm bein too harsh on those peoples? Mebbe they weren't representative of most Tea Baggers? Mebbe they're not all as ignorant as those three. Let's test it out. Fr'instance, if yer a Tea Bagger yerself, let's see how you compare to a typical Sarah Palin supporter? OK, now, lemme set up a similar problem for ya'll and let's see how You do? This is a two part question, OK?! Here goes!

Rosemary went into a tavern at 3:30 PM and started drinking.

QUESTION:

1. When she left the tavern at 10:30 PM, how long had she been drinking?
2. How drunk was she?

If ya'll want, ya can arrange yerselves into study groups and discuss th problem before rendering yer answers. And ya can use paper and pencils....BUT... NO calculators! And ya don't get any phone calls either. Ya got jus fifteen minutes..... so don't waste any time!! Good Luck and let me know how it works out for ya!

th cap'm

P.S. I wonder if anyone ever told Sarah that "going rogue" was a slang term for havin unprotected anal sex?

Subject: CARS FROM THE '50S
Date: Tuesday, February 2, 2010 12:06 PM

OK ya'll, this was sent to me by Beeg Jeem and it's too cool for words. Especially if ya like old cars from th 50's. This will blow yer mind. But ya have to watch th whole thing..... and then you'll be in for a big surprise. You'll get a kick outta it. You'll go, "What th fu......?" GUARANTEED! Check it out!

www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/

Subject: SPEAKING OF PURSES
Date: Monday, February 1, 2010 3:45 PM

OK ya'll, I received a well reasoned explanation from one of my friends justifying her large bag... y'know, like, containing numerous and varied things for the kids, and so on. Things that can't be carried in a small purse. No problema! I mean, if ya feel it's necessary to carry th kids play pen in yer purse when ya go shoppin, thas OK by me. I don't get involved in activities like that, so run-ins would be infrequent at best. But, my beef is with th gurls tho, that go thru th bars scattering peoples about like bowling pins without any consideration as to what th consequences are of their actions. Thas what pisses me off! Have they no shame!!

hmmm Hey, ya know what; that sounds like a movie project:

Menace to Society, "The story of wanton, slutty gurls as they make their way through the saloons, leaving shattered lives and bodies in their destructive wake. The movie that will make you afraid to step into a bar again!"

Whadda'ya think?! lol

th cap'm