Men Are Such Cads, eh!
April 30, 2009 7:28 PM
Last nite I was rappin with this gurl
and she was tellin me all her woes vis a vis her former boyfriend.
Oh what a low life he was!! He was jus horrid. But she told me th
thing that pissed her off th most, th worst thing he did; after she
told im to take a hike, when he finally left he packed up all his
he took her dildo with him. (GASP) Th Cur!!
I commiserated with her. I said,
"Oh you poor thing! Thas terrible! How ever did you survive?"
"Thanks! It wasn't easy, I can tell you that!!''
OK, so dudes, looky here, be a gentleman, huh! Th next time ya break
up with yer gurlfriend, be a square shooter and don't be a ''dildo-snatcher'';
leave th dildo behind! OK?!''
Say What!! What In Th Fuck Is Goin On?
April 28, 2009 12:49 PM
Arlen Specter, long time politician
and Republican stalwart, sez he's gonna switch parties; become a Democrat!
This gives ya some idea of how far th Republicans have dropped, when
a guy like Arlen Spector decides there is no longer a political future
with th bunch of clowns th Republicans have become. I'm sure Nancy
Reagan had no idea her little, trite, anti-drug phrase,
''Just say No'' would become th rallying cry and central position
of th Republican Party some day. Seemingly their raison d'etre.
It is inconceivable to me that some one approved th flyin of a large
plane, followed by 2 F-16 fighters, as tho they were in pursuit, over
th city of New Yawk!! For a photo-op!! Without botherin to inform
any one that what they were seein, wasn't another terrorist attack!
Are you kiddin me?!
I don't believe their bullshit explanation of a ''photo-shoot'' fer
one fookin second! There's gotta be some other reason fer that kinda
Insanity, but my imagination is not good enuff to conceive jus what
it could possibly be! In any case, whoever approved that Madness needs
to be fired Yesterday, and possibly committed to a facility some place
where they will no longer be a danger to Society! How could anyone
be so completely oblivious to th effect that would have on any one
Gosh darn it all to heck; accordin to Fox News, if Obama's policies
don't doom us first, we're all gonna die of swine flu!
Capt. Hoohah/Duderino, notorious Luddite, was seen yesterday loiterin
around that bridge, y'know, that bridge to th 21st Century, th Third
Millennium Bridge. Word on th Street is that he is contemplatin th
purchase of an actual computer, as opposed to th primitive device
he currently employs. Th world changes, eh? Adapt or perish. First
Arlen Spector, then th Cap'm. Whas next, flyin pigs? Stay tuned boyz
Ooooh, That Smell!
April 27, 2009 5:14 AM
Th smell that wouldn't go away! This
is a tale of Horror and Terror. And it could happen to you too boyz
n gurlz. So...heed this story well. Take th time, do th research,
know what yer gettin before ya cop yer after-shave lotion.
It began last week. I had a couple of half dollars that I was tryin
to tarnish on purpose. I was tryin to duplicate th effect of my dime
earring. See, I've got this 1941 Mercury-head dime earring I've told
ya about before. This is th one I've lost and found (thanks St. Anthony)
several times. But what I did, and I have on idea how I accomplished
this years ago, but I managed to get th dime to tarnish to th point
where it became completely black. Then I polished only th profile
of Mercury's head so that it stands out in sharp contrast to th black
background y'see. So, it gives it a kinda cameo effect and makes fer
a distinctive and unique earring. No one else has one of these.
So...I decided to try and duplicate that effect with a couple half-dollars
I have, one Kennedy, one Ben Franklin, but this time as a necklace,
not an earring. Twould be a mite heavy fer th ears, y'see. I had been
told that some alcohol would speed up th tarnishin process. But in
searchin th crib, I didn't have any alcohol around. But I did find
a box of old Avon after-shave bottles I bought at a garage sale many
years ago, and one of th bottles was a brown, boot-shaped bottle that
was half full of what was called, ''Avon Leather''. I thought,
''Well sheeit, this after-shave must have a lot of alcohol in it.''
So I took th thing and filled up half of a cup with it. And dropped
th two half-dollars in there to soak and hopefully tarnish. Now this
after-shave had a particularly sharp, pungent throughly unpleasant
aroma about it. I can't imagine why in th fuck any one woulda ever
bought any of this crap to begin with; it's like somethin a two-dollar
whore might be awash in, y'know, a reely cheap, tawdry, over powering
I sat th cup on a counter in th kitchen and returned to my livin quarters
here on th sofa, but as I was tryin to read, I could still catch whiffs
of that after-shave, so I took it and sat it in a spare bedroom and
closed th door.
Th next day, I took it back in th kitchen to check it out, but th
coins hadn't tarnished even slightly. Curses! So I reached into th
cup and retrieved th coins, turnin em over to check both sides. While
I was foolin around I accidentally knocked th cup over spillin th
after-shave all over th counter, so I got some picker-upper and soaked
it all up and tossed th soaked towel-ette in th trash.
By now, it was time fer me to get out into th nite and assume my spot
in th tavern, so I sat th coins on th end table next to th sofa, but
my hands smelled like that damned after-shave so I washed em with
some baking powder to kill th odor. Then, after abusin some substances,
I headed up to th saloon, but on th way, I could still small that
stuff on my hands. It was not only powerful but godammed awful. Th
whole car reeked and I had to roll th window down cus I couldn't stand
th smell. I thought about all th peoples I smell who walk by and seemed
to have bathed in what ever odiferous crap they're wearin, oblivious
to th fact that they jus plain Stink! Period! And ya can smell em
from 10 feet away.
And so, not wantin to be that person...when I got to th bar, I didn't
speak or greet any body, but headed straight to th kitchen to wash
my hands again. Th bartender came in and saw me and said,
''Yo Charley, what in th hell are ya doin?"
cuz my hands were all lathered up and I looked like a doc preppin
myself fer an operation. I said,
''What th hell does it look like I'm doin? Trollin fer Marlin? I'm
washin my hands, OK!?''
Then after washin vigorously, I went in th bar, sat and ordered my
brew, and after a few minutes, I couldn't help but notice that smell
again. Damn! So I went back in th kitchen fer another session....went
back out to th bar, and after a few minutes... and I'll be damned
but there it was again! Still! So I went back in th kitchen and was
washin feverishly once more and th same bartender happened to come
in and saw me again and shook his head and he jus said,
"Yeah, I know, yer washin yer hands."
''Thas right Ace. Good eye!''
Aw'right, so about an hour later I was rappin with this gurl and she
started sniff sniffin and stuff, y'know, and she said,
''Gee Charley, whas goin on? I never knew you to wear cologne before!
What is that?"
And I said,
''Godamit, I'm not wearin cologne!! This is some crap I spilled on
And I got up and went back to th kitchen fer some more washin. This
time I figured if th bartender saw me washin my hands fer th fourth
time, I'd jus tell im I was obsessive/compulsive and be done with
Well anyway, I got back to th crib around 3:30 and as soon as I opened
th door my olfactory organ was brutally assaulted. My whole crib reeked
of ''Avon Leather'', and my nasal passages OD'd. Ten Thousand Curses.
Damn! Fuck! Shit, Mutherfucker! I took th coins and th cup and picked
th paper towel outta th trash and wrapped em up in a towel and put
that in a plastic bag, tied it and sealed it, and sat th whole steeenkeeng
mess out on th porch. But as I tried to get to sleep I noticed that
th end table th coins had been sittin on had acquired that odor too.
I couldn't escape it. There was nothin I could do and no where I could
hide, so... I did two heavy duty pain pills to jus knock myself out.
I dreamed I died and went to Hell and no sooner had I arrived and
they dumped a whole barrel of ''Avon Leather'' on me! It was a nightmare
And then, th next day, I could still smell it. It had permeated my
Everything I had touched when I was polluted had acquired th odor.
This god-awful smell took four days to finally fade away. The End!!
But I'm not so sure it's over...cuz now....sometimes..... early in
th morn, when it's quiet, before even th birds have woken up, I think
I can sense th merest whiff, but I'm not sure if I actually do...or
if my mind is jus playin tricks on me.
P.S. By th way, if ya happen to know of a method of tarnishin silver,
without havin to summon some Demons, or if it doesnt involve any after-shave
lotion, lemme know, will ya!
Th Luster Fades; Doubt Creeps In
April 26, 2009 10:53 PM
Y'know kidz, as I told ya a few days
ago, I was so thrilled to finally get flames put on my own ride. I
was sooo elated! It's jus somethin I always wanted to do. I've been
lookin at kustom cars fer 50 years thinkin that one day I was gonna
do that myself. That I was gonna have some flames put on my own ride!
But now that I have; now that I look at th finished product, I dunno!
I've been havin some second thoughts on th flame job. In spite of
my initial enthusiasm I'm not so sure that it was a good idea now
or not? Fer some reason it didn't turn out th way I had imagined it
to. I'm wonderin if in fact, it doesn't detract from th smooth, natural,
elegant lines of th car? Y'know, th low, sleek, shark-like profile.
I'm wonderin now if I shouldn't have jus left well enough alone? I'm
wonderin now if that money couldn't have been better spent on some
other aspect of th car, i.e. lake pipes fr'instance? I wonder?
P. S. Actor David Hasslehoff said, ''I do have a great relationship
with God..... He helped me when I had a drinking problem... He helped
me through my divorce. He helped me through big decisions on the
Knight Rider series.''
Ha ha Inspiritual huh! Yeah David, I'll bet he reely liked Baywatch
April 23, 2009 3:56 PM
Ok kids, check this out. I have a kinda
unique car. It's a 1999 Cadillac “Fleetwood Limited.”
Cadillac sub-contracted out th manufacture of this vehicle to th Superior
Coach Co, outta Lima, Ohio. It is basically an extended Sedan DeVille,
cuz th body was lengthened by a foot, so it has a huge amount of room
in th back seat. So, while it's not a limousine, an NFL defensive
line man would have plenty of room there. Likewise, an NBA center.
So it's perfect in it's role fer runnin my Ms. Daisy about town in.
Even tho she's only about 4' 7'' tall it makes it very easy for her
to get in and out of. And theres enuff room in th trunk fer a half
But besides th extension of th frame, it's most unique
feature is; they only made em fer two years, '98 and '99, and they
only made 467 of em!! Thas all! They're not very common, y'see! Last
week, I happened to see another one; but it was th only other one
I've ever seen here in KC in th last three years since I bought mine.
Perhaps ya recall, back in February, I had some fookin mook, who was
rappin on his cell phone at th time, rear-ended me while I was stopped
in traffic. Did some damage to th rear end. Th peoples who did th
repair work somehow lost one of th fender skirts while they were repairin
it. When I heard that, I went ballistic. Th shop foreman told me it
was no big deal; that they would replace it. I told im,
''Where in th fuck do ya think yer gonna find another one? They only
made 467 of these cars with th fender skirts and that was ten fookin
But he assured me they'd find one; from th factory, th internet, a
salvage yard... who knows, but he assured me they would find one somewhere.
"Sheeit dude, no fuckin way yer gonna find another one!!''
So, he called me back about a week later and said,
''Well Mr. Hoohah, I'm sorry but we can't find another fender skirt
fer yer car!! We've looked everywhere; th factory didn't have any,
no salvage yards had one, none on th internet either.''
And not bein an I-told-ya-so-kinda-guy, I immediately told im,
"Well, I told ya that a week ago dude!! So..whadda ya gonna do
What they hadda do was; literally make me another one! It took em
5 fookin weeks! I jus got it put back on last Wednesday!
OK, OK, so here's where th excitin news I told ya about earlier comes
in. Since I bought th car three years ago I've done a few things to
make it a bit more distinctive. I had th windows tinted to give it
a dark menacin look, (th car itself is a deep, dark blue, almost black)
I modified th grill to distinguish it from other Caddys, I put some
'FlowMaster' mufflers on it to give it a low, throaty kinda rumble,
I put on a pair of spotlights, like th old custom cars of th 50's,
I put on some custom, low profile wheels to replace th regular wheels
and also dropped th car a couple inches in th process and I had some
modest pin-stripin done a while back on th hood and trunk.
And so yesterday, fer th coup de grasse, I had some flames put on
th sides emanatin from th wheel wells. I have always wanted some flames
on my ride since they first came on th scene in th mid 50's... and
now, in my late 60's...Voila... my life-long dream has finally come
true. OK, whadda I tell ya; is this excitin news or what, boyz n gurlz!!?
P.S. Another example of th ancient Chinese Philosopher who said, ''All
things come to th Patient Man." And altho th ancient Chinese
Philosophers were all very Ancient and Wise, the were not Politically
Correct yet. These things take time, y'see.
April 23, 2009 2:07 AM
I was at a party a couple of nights
ago and I was standin at this buffet and had jus skewered a small
chunk of meat and was about to administer some kind of exotic sauce
there, and th bottle said, ''Shake well before using''. So, what th
hell. I did!
And I was standin there shakin and I noticed some peoples
were watchin me and snickerin and carryin on, and I heard this one
friend of mine laffin and tell this gurl,
"Oh, thas just th Cap'm!"
See, th thing is; th bottle didn't say exactly how long yer supposed
to shake, and then I heard someone else say,
"Yo cap'm, is that some kinda new dance yer doin there?"
and this elicited several hearty guffaws from th crowd. So, not reely
bein cognizant of proper etiquette, I jus stood there grinnin and
shakin, and shrugged my shoulders, but I had th disquieting feeling
I had committed some kind of social gaffe. What is th proper procedure?
I mean, jus how fookin long are ya supposed to shake anyway? And do
ya shake yer whole body? Or jus yer upper torso or what? Are ya supposed
to do th hokey-pokey, th boog-a-loo, or what?
Bein a non-dancin, ill coordinated oaf anyway, I must say I felt pretty
darned foolish. Sheeit, they oughta put some kind of disclaimer on
that bottle, y'know, something to th effect,
"If you can't even do the makarena, fuggedabout even tryin this!"
But on th other hand, bein th kind of guy who doesn't question Authority
or anything like that; cuz y'know what a stickler I am when it comes
to th Rules, I was simply followin instructions, y'dig, cuz thas jus
th kinda guy I am! No rebel here! But, ya'd think tho that they could
be a bit more specific-- "Shake Well''. I mean, dig it, thas
pretty vague, don'cha think? And so, several days later, I'm still
"WHY? What's it all about Alfie?''
I mean, I eat lotsa other stuff and I don't have to shake to do it.
So... what's th deal here anyway? I'm tellin ya, th next time tho,
when I'm in a public place and encounter a situation similar to that,
I'm jus gonna stick to th basics. Don't need no fancy condiments!
Maybe jus have some mustard instead. Don't gotta be doin no shakin
to have ya some mustard either!!!
P.S. Naomi Campbell, and I quote,
''I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more
than a lovely bowl of pasta.''
You go, gurl!
April 20, 2009 6:38 PM
OK, I hate to be redundent, cuz I'm
sure ya've already heard about th baby seal that ran into a club and.......
Yeah, yeah, I know, yer already familiar with it, but did'ja see on
th news yesterday about that dyslexic drunk that went into th bra
Aw'right, never mind. I know; it's yesterday's news by now. Scuuuuse
th seldom there, but at least, always late cap'm
Texas Governor Threatens To Secede
April 18, 2009 5:04 PM
Ha ha Well, ya gotta credit those Texans
one thing; they do provide laffs with their antics to any one with
half a brain. This is a reely good one! Cuz, what we have here is....
th Ultimate Fucknut! No goofy fuckin tea partys fer him. No, no, thas
not anywhere good enuff. He is sooo upset with Washington, DC that
he is threatenin to secede his state, th Great State of Texas, from
I guess he forgot Texas tried that once before, cuz
they wanted to keep their slaves at th time. They didn't want no steeenkeeng
guys up there in Washington, DC tellin em whether they could or couldn't
own a few head of peoples..... cuz they're TEXANS, don'cha see! They're
Special accordin to th Governor, and Texans in general, agree with
im. A lot of em truly believe that their shit smells like roses. They
think that they are more Patriotic, more law abiding, more American,
smarter, richer, better looking, sexier...well take any positive adjective,
add an -er or -est to it, and they'll tell ya that fits em to a T.
Th only thing is tho, I guess their memories aren't so hot, cuz they
seem to have forgotten what happened to their sorry asses th last
time they tried to secede. But when dealin with loons like this, why
bother with pesky stuff like ''facts''.
I know some peoples out in Colorado who work in th ski resorts, and
I know from my own personal experience drivin a hack, to a person,
we have always loathed and dreaded peoples from Texas. Smug, arrogant,
pompous, loud, blow-hard braggerts, but most important to us, they
were th cheapest, no-tippingest bastards yawould ever encounter. They
said they'd much rather work a room full of lawyers, or doctors even,
who are notoriously cheap, than a crowd of Texans. They said, when
a herd of Texans came in, makin their loud obnoxious entrance, there
was a collective groan that went up thru th wait/staff, cuz no matter
what ya did, those fuckers could find somthin to bitch about, which
then justified em stiffin ya!!
"Shoot! That surly bitch was waay to slow in lightin up mah ceegar!
She don't derserve no tip!"
Here's what I'm thinking would happen if we should actually let em
have their way; I'm bettin that after they secede, th Governor/Leader
would decide it's waay past time fer some ethnic cleansing, time to
get rid of all th flotsam and jetsam. Time to have all citizens of
Hispanic taint removed back to Meheeco where they can pick all th
fruit they want, and of course send all th darkies back to th Dark
Continent where they can do th Boog-a-loo, and thus, Texas can then
revert to th Pure White Aryan Nation it deserves to be, accmpanied
by a loud chorus of, ''Yip-eees!"
God Bless The Republic of Texas.
(well of course ya know He does! Bless them that is. Above all others!!
I mean, they're TEXANS, y'know!)
P.S. On th other hand, a different view of things, my amigo, ''New
Yawk Dave'' looks at it like this,
''with the steady march of demographics, texas will be voting democrat
by 2012, or certainly by 2016. the good ole boys will go nutso as
Latinos drive policy.''
I like this scenario better.
Texas--It's A Gas!!
April 16, 2009 7:52 PM
OK boyz n gurlz, lemme explain that
statement jus a bit; by ''gas'', I mean, like, as in a giant, chili-inspired
Fart! I've been listenin to th Governor of Texas threatenin to "secede''
lately cuz he doesn't like whas happenin in th new Government Administration,
which was duly elected by a majority of th American peoples. It's
one of those bulwarks of a Democracy; y'know, th right of th peoples
to select th Man they feel is best suited to lead th country. After
eight crushin years of Geo. Bush, th peoples decided, "Basta''!
But this ragin fuck-nut is talkin bout secedin, cuz he don't like
it! I know how he feels tho, cuz I seceded myself durin th past eight
year nightmare, but I wasn't th Governor of th second largest state
in th Union, and no one gave a shit what I felt anyway. Every one
was too busy followin in lockstep with Der Leader at th time to pay
any attention to my rantings and ravings. Thankfully, they finally
woke up out their collective trance and decided they wanted to try
something different. Ideas and policies based on Reason and Rationale,
instead of Fantasy and Ego-maniacal Jingoistic Chauvinism.
What th hell is with these arrogant, pompous Texas bastards anyway?
What can ya say except; those fuckers are NUTZ! Sheeit, this is th
same state where JFK was assassinated, right there in th Big D, th
heart and soul and capitol of wingnuts everywhere.
This is th same state that executed far more peoples under Gov. Bush
than any other state. Sheet, this is th state that gave us George
Bush as Der Leader himself, fr'chrissake! They breed loony nutballs
of th first magnitude like rabbits there. It's like a cottage industry.
Hell, if I could go back in time, I would insist my mom left San Antonio
on Nov. 16th, 1941, and went some place else fer th day; any place,
Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana, sheeit I don't care, jus get th
hell outta Texas fer th day, so I wouldn't be burdened with this stigma
fer th rest of my life.
Fer th first time in my life and I never thought I would say this,
but I can now empathise with th attitude of all those right-wing,
anti-civil rights, Vietnam war fanatics who used to tell us hippies,
"Love it or leave it!" Now, I know how ya felt dudes. All
I can say today to those Texans who would like to secede,
"Good Riddance and Adios Mutherfuckers! And don't let th door
bump ya on th way out!''
P.S. Hey ya'll, don't tell any one I told ya bout bein born there!
Let's jus keep this little tawdry secret among ourselves, OK!?
De Cap'm Goes On A Nit-picking Quest
April 16, 2009 2:57 PM
I've jus been sittin round th crib here...a
bit bored, havin gotten tired of playin with my Quackin Duck Soap
Dispenser, wonderin what to do with th rest of my day?
I thought bout maybe goin duck huntin over at Loose
Park fer a while, but my last few forays over there pretty much decimated
th population of those geese critters who were not bright enuff to
head south durin th Fall. Whoooeee ese, these fuckin AK 47's make
a pretty formidable duck weapon. Besides it's not all that much fun
chasin those one-winged, one footed survivors down and administerin
th coup de grace. Not much of a chase either when ya get right down
to it. It kinda takes some of the thrill out th ''hunt'', ya know
whut I mean!
Well anyway, I decided to go nit-pickin instead, and I didn't even
have to leave th premises! I recalled a person I know who wrote me
after this past election, whose husband has been in politics fer some
thirty years himself. Her son had jus lost a local election bid of
his own. She wrote that, and I quote,
"After the poles closed we... blah blah blah",
and then further on she wrote that, her daughter Maybelline (not her
''was a pole watcher."
I dunno, wouldn't ya think that after some thirty years being on th
periphery of politics, elections and all that sorta thing, that she
would know th difference between a, "pole" and a "poll"
by now?? I mean, I hate to be a nit-picker, I really do, but, still.........
P.S. of course, we all mis-spell werds sometimes. No big deal in th
big scheme of it all, eh? But this is not a mis-spelling, this is
jus what I likes to call, ''Sheer Fuckin Ignorance.'' It seems to
be endemic to our politicians, and all those associated with em!
April 16, 2009 1:58 PM
Sometimes writers suffer from what
is known as, ''writer's block'', i.e. th inability to think of anything
to write. Not bein a writer myself tho, I don't have that particular
problem, but...what I do get sometimes is, ''babbler's block''. It's
pretty much self explanatory, eh. There jus ain't any babble or drivel
there, y'know what I mean?!
My mind has been lyin fallow fer a while now, which is actually not
all that unusual, so I haven't babbled much lately. I've been sufferin
from a malaise I think I may have picked up off a toilet stool...
or a doorknob... or, who knows?
But, anyway, earlier today I had lunch with an old friend of mine
and in th course of our conversations I mentioned to her that I had
jus finished readin a fiction novel Wm. F. Buckley had written some
years ago about th Nuremburg trials held after th Second World War
and I pointed out that one of th characters in th book kept referrin
B-29s he had flown against th Germans in 1943 and 1944 and I told
her that was bullshit. I said,
''Yo, what fuckin bullshit! Buckley oughta known better than that;
sheeit, any one who knows anything about WWII would know we never
flew th B-29's in Europe. Those bombers were B-17 Flying Fortresses,
B-24 Liberators or mebbe B-25 Mitchells. Th B-29 Super Forts only
saw action in th Pacific in th bombing campaigns against Japan!"
(this is typical of th kinds of things one takes away from a lunch
with th cap't.....useless bits of information that have a shelf life
of about two seconds) I pressed my point home vigorously until I noticed
her eyes glazin over.
Well, anyway, I came home a few minutes ago and had a package from
my former wife awaitin me. Enclosed was a copy of Stephen E. Ambrose's
book, THE WILD BLUE......the men and boys who flew the B-24s
over Germany in 1944-45." Ha ha Did'ja get that? OK, ya notice
he is not talkin B-29s here, but... B-24 Liberators! So
There!!...........vindication of my earlier assertion. It's funny
isn't it that I should get that at that time, considerin my conversation
of only a couple hours previously. Life can be strange, huh!
Interestingly, I also received in th same package a Yellow Quacking
Duck Liquid Soap Dispenser. It quacks (well, YEAH) and reminds one
to wash their hands. Like lots of peoples everywhere, especially in
Third World countries, I have always wanted to own a Yellow Quacking
Duck Soap Dispenser, but never believed it would actually happen,
and now, here in th twilight of my years.... it has! Life can be strange,
And in another small co-incidence, it fits in very nicely with my
Quacking Duck phone.
See, when I get a call, it goes,
"QUACK, QUACK, QUA-QUAAAACK''
in duck-like fashion, rather than th, ''RING, RING, RING" of
th traditional phone.
Occasionally tho, specially in th Fall when th ducks head southward,
I hear th quackin and sometimes race to answer th phone, before realizin
that it was jus some lone quacker, gettin a late start, tryin to catch
up with th rest of th crew. In that case it jus means,
"I'm late. I'm late! Hey yo dudes, slow down! Wait up fer me!"
rather than signifyin that some one is tryin to make contact with
me, don'cha see!! Oooops. Damn but I hate it when I get fooled like
that, but Life can be strange sometimes, huh!
P.S. By th way ya'll, is there anything more boring than listenin
to someone tell ya bout their dreams? If there is, I can't imagine
what it would be, but, anyway, last night I dreamt that I was watchin
a football game from a very high place up in th stadium and that Dean
Martin purposely pushed me over the edge. Of course, I flapped my
arms vigorously to cushion my fall and bein reely pissed, I struggled
mightily to climb back up and I confronted him,
"Yo Deano, why in th fuck did ya do that? We've only met a couple
of times before and both times it was in dreams, and I never did shit
to you! So why did you do that to me??"
And he just shrugged his shoulders and said in typical Dean Martin
fashion, "You figure it out kid!" and he faded away before
I could kick his ass.....leavin me ponderin th meaning of it all.
Specially that ''kid'' part. Like I said before, Life can be strange,
Interpreting Our Dreams
April 12, 2009 11:51 PM
OK, last nite I dreamed I had been invited
to a very chi chi soiree. When I arrived at this luxurious high-rise,
I got on th elevator, but instead of takin me up to th top floor penthouse,
it took me SIDEWAYS!! HORI-ZON-TALLY, y'unnerstan!! I thought to myself,
"Whoa! This is kinda bizarre!''
When suddenly, it came to an abrupt stop, throwin me forward somewhat
and th doors opened. Now I was lookin out th doors at th dumpster
in th rear parking lot. Again, I thought to myself,
"Hey, wait a minute, This don't look like no fuckin penthouse
And then, I heard th sound of machinery and there was a clankin sound
and gears grindin and th rear wall of th elevator started movin slowly
forward, forcin me out of th elevator into th parking lot. Th doors
slammed behind me with a loud CLANG, soundin a lot like th CLANG ya
hear there in th Crossbar Hotel, ya know That sound! And it had that
same Finality to it too! And th elevator went noisely away. I stood
there, confused, in a large courtyard, completely surrounded by tall
buldings, still hearin th echo of th doors slammin shut, lookin at
th deserted lot, a cold, wet wind whippin up trash and sendin it flyin
outta th dumpster...... tryin to figure out what jus happened, and
then, it occured to me.... and I shouted out in a rage, into th empty
nite, as loud as I could,
"Hey, if ya don't want me at yer godam party THEN DON'T FUCKIN
INVITE ME!!!!! OK!!"
And I woke up at that point, and as I thought about it, and rehashed
th dream, I got pissed, y'know!! It was pretty darned disrespectful
I thought, to force me outta th elevator and leave me standin there,
stranded, in a cold, deserted parkin lot. Damn, I wish I could remember
who invited me in th first place cuz I'd like to send em a copy of
Miss Manners Book Of Etiquette. Th Asshole!!!
the beleaguered cap't
April 10, 2009 3:43 PM
Altho their popularity is waning in
these days of high gas prices, th Hummer is still a must fer a certain
breed of peoples. I read somthin recently about Hummers, (jus so there's
no confusion, I'm talkin bout th vehicle kind here, OK) and their
owners, and why they liked them. Not all of course, but many of these
critters do have a certain smug, superior attitude towards th rest
of us, th non-Hummer segment of th population, and this one gurl,
after describin how she liked to sit waay up high there, high above
all th proles y'know, in their oh-sooo common, tacky little cars;
whut she liked best bout it wuz, in her words,
"I KNOW IF I RUN INTO SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO WIN!"
And this, I think, pretty much summarises th attitude so many of these
SUV-type critters drive with, as in,
"GET TH FUCK OUTTA MY WAY OR I'LL RUN YER ASS OVER!!"
That kinda attitude pisses me off jus on general principle, so I likes
to challenge em on that. ''Oh Yeah?'' Kinda like th old "chickie
run" back in th olden days. Ya remember those, don'cha? Closin
in on yer opponent, left front fenders aimed at each other.... adrenaline
pumpin....oh th Rush of Survival Sigh! Nostalgia fer th old days.
Ha ha. I don't think young kids still do that today, do they? Now
they go hill hoppin' or somthin, and I can certainly see th thrill
in that too...hittin th crest of that hill....goin airborne.... and
seein if ya can land without killin yerself. Right on. Whoopie!
So....I spose that it's inevitable that, one of these days tho, I'm
gonna encounter a "hard case".......y'know, some Labrador
Retriever ownin Mom whose Cub Scout, Honor Roll spawn jus lost THE
Most Important Game of th Soccer Season and whose whole world has
jus crumbled around her, and is now gonna take it out on this jerk
who refuses to yield, and is then gonna consequently squash me like
a bug. Oh well..... whut can one do but live out their destiny, eh?!
P.S. It will give added grist to those who ponder my epitaph,
Th' Cap't, 11/16/41— ??
"Whut th fuck wuz that all about?"
To SUV, Or Not To SUV?!
April 10, 2009 3:05 PM
I wuz drivin down th road a little while
ago and I got behind this giant SUV and on th rear window there wuz
a large American waving-flag decal and next to it, wuz a yellow ''support
the troops'' ribbon decal and on th bumper, a sticker that said, "UNITED
WE STAND", and also in th rear window, a sign that said, "I'M
PROUD OF MY CUB SCOUT".
This reference to th Cub Scouts clinched it fer me; no question bout
it, I wuz definitely followin a PATRIOT! Not yer average ersatz, run-o-th-mill
patriot, mind you, but a REAL AMERICAN PATRIOT. As I went by her,
patriot tho she be, I couldn't resist givin her th ol one finger salute.
Ha ha. I know, I know, but I jus couldn't resist. I'm sure she prolly
made me fer some kinda rat bastard Commie.
I hadn't even quit chucklin, when jus seconds later, I got behind
another SUV and it had also th obligatory yellow ribbon sticker, and
it also had a sign in th rear window, but this one said,
"Labrador Retrievers Rule.
Other dogs Drool."
Sheeit. Give me a fookin break, eh! I mean, Whut is it with these
SUV owners? And their lame-ass notices, and signs and bumper sticker
slogans? Do they think that us un-SUV peons really give a shit bout
their Cub Scouts and their Honor Student Brats and their Labs and
Rhodesian Ridgebacks? I personally think that it oughta be perfectly
legal, when in season, to take yer bottles, bricks, y'know, whutever
ya cn find on th floorboard of yer rusted-out monkey-shit brown Vega,
and hurl them thru th windshields of Pompous, Arrogant Sonsuvbitches
such as these.
On th other hand some of my best amigos drive these kinda vehicles,
but I'm not talkin bout them, of course, they're exempt; I'm talkin
bout those OTHERS, and besides, if ya were to be throwin objects at
th hombres I know, they would be likely to run yer Vega into a bridge
abutment, and then back up and run over whut's left....so be judicious
in yer actions, eh?
Personally I find young, blond-haired bimbos wearin shades and rappin
on their cell phones ta be fairly risk-free targets of my ire. Course,
I always check first, jus to make sure they're not wearin a rugby
jersey, cuz those rugby chics can get brutal too, y'dig!
Chef Hoohah Does It Again! (drum-roll please)
April 10, 2009 11:38 AM
Yes boyz and gurlz, I have done it
once again. Early this morning, before rackin out, I created a culinary
delight which is ridiculously easy to prepare and yet th results turned
out to be so much more than the sum of th parts. A classic case of
OK, here's what ya do......fry ya a dozen strips of bacon at very
low heat. Meanwhile, dump into a pan a can of pinto beans, on low
heat. Dump also a can of Ro-tel 'extra hot' diced tomatoes with chili
peppers, then add a can of Campbell's chicken soup with rice.
Throughly mix all these ingredients together and jus let th various
ingredients simmer and meld while yer bacon is slowly fryin away.
After a period of time has elapsed, which is entirely up to you; that
is, whenever ya decide ya wanna commence to eatin, remove a couple
of those bacon strips and spoon yer bean, tomato, chicken/rice mixture
Of course there are so many variations ya could do here usin any number
of different combinations of spices, and so on, but this will give
ya a pretty satisfyin and inexpensive bowl of beans and rice, with
a minimum of preparation. Said preparation involvin mostly th openin
of th three aforementioned cans.
Jus as an aside; I'm from th "old school" and so I open
my cans manually rather than usin one of those new-fangled electric
can openers I see advertised. But, if yer not a "traditionalist"
like myself, go ahead and go electric if ya must. Heck, I jus recently
cancelled my bi-weekly delivery of ice, and have replaced my "ice
box" with a more modern electric refrigerator, and I gotta admit,
it's a lot more efficient.
OK now, one more thing; this 'extra hot' Rotel might be too much for
Some gringos go,
"Dang! thas too blazin hot fer me!"
so ya might want to go with a milder version. In th end, fer about
four bucks, you'll have enuff grub there to do ya fer three or four
meals. I must admit, I feel just a bit sheepish takin credit for this
concoction since th ingredients are already there to begin with, but
sometimes th genius (perhaps I exaggerate, eh) lies in recognizin
th possibilities of th combinations, even tho they're right there
in front of ya all th time.
Naturally, jus like always, this creation of mine will go largely
un-noticed and ignored by th culinary community at large. Sometimes,
I feel like I don't get th credit and respect I deserve. I feel th
futlity of a lone voice cryin out in th wilderness; my vibrations
bouncin around unheard, a lot like that tree we hear about. It's discouragin
Duke! I mean, look at this chef dude from New Or-lee-ans, what's his
name, Paul Prudhhome, who seems to take credit for th "blackened"
style of preparation. Sheeeit ese, I have been searin, blackenin,
burnin, charrin, etc, etc, stuff ever since I first got my hands on
a stove..... unsupervised! But, no one ever said,
"Hey yo, dig this!! Th cap't jus made a piece of Lava rock! Talk
about innovative! This has all th trappins of a new culinary trend,"
and then presented me with some kind of culinary award. Nah, uh huh!
All I ever got was derisive and snide remarks, with heavy doses of
guffaws and chortles. Sheeit. But, looky here, when ya present this
special dish to yer guests at yer next soiree and they go gaga and
pull a Jerry Collona (this JC reference might not mean anything to
ya younger folks. ask yer parents......they'll tell ya) after their
first taste, and start badgerin ya fer yer recipe, just wink and tell
them it's been in the family fer generations, and yer not allowed
to "share" it. While they'll be envious of course, i'm sure
they'll understand. Gut Apetite!
P.S. But hey, y'know what, jus to be safe, it would be prudent tho,
to leave nothin in writing, jus in case yer house is co-incidentally
burglarised shortly after yer beans and rice presentation.
Important Legal Drug Info
April 9, 2009 4:35 PM
OK, ya'll, in my role as Champion of
th Consumer, Guardian Of Th Peoples, Lion Of Judea..... blah, blah,
blah, I am passin on this bit of helpful information sent to me by
my buddy, Tommy Th D, outta Houston, Texas. If ya ever have th need
to cop ya some legal drugs, this is worth readin. Check it out. By
th way, this Story verified @ http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/generic.asp
Let's hear it for Costco! (This is just mind-boggling!) Make sure
you read all the way past the list of the drugs. The woman that signed
below is a Budget Analyst out of federal Washington, DC offices.
Did you ever wonder how much it costs a drug company for the active
ingredient in prescription medications? Some people think it must
cost a lot, since many drugs sell for more than $2.00 per tablet.
We did a search of offshore chemical synthesizers that supply the
active ingredients found in drugs approved by the FDA. As we have
revealed in past issues of Life Extension a significant percentage
of drugs sold in the United States contain active ingredients made
in other countries. In our independent investigation of how much profit
drug companies really make, we obtained the actual price of active
ingredients used in some of the most popular drugs sold in America.
Celebrex: 100 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $130.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.60 – Percent markup:
Claritin: 10 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $215.17
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.71 – Percent markup:30,306%
Keflex: 250 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $157.39
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.88 – Percent markup:
Lipitor: 20 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $272.37
Cost of general active ingredients: $5.80 – Percent markup:
Norvasc: 10 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $188.29
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.14 – Percent markup:
Paxil: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $220.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $7.60 – Percent markup:
Prevacid: 30 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $44.77
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.01 – Percent markup:
Prilosec: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $360.97
Cost of general active ingredients $0.52 – Percent markup: 69,417%
Prozac: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $247.47
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.11 – Percent markup:
Tenormin: 50 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $104.47
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.13 – Percent markup:
Vasotec: 10 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $102.37
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.20 – Percent markup:
Xanax: 1 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $136.79
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.024 – Percent markup:
Zestril: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets) $89.89
Cost of general active ingredients $3.20 – Percent markup: 2,809%
Zithromax: 600 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $1,482.19
Cost of general active ingredients: $18.78 – Percent markup:
Zocor: 40 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $350.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $8.63 – Percent markup:
Zoloft: 50 mg Consumer price: $206.87
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.75 – Percent markup:
Since the cost of prescription drugs is so outrageous, I thought everyone
should know about this.
It pays to shop around! This helps to solve the mystery as to why
they can afford to put a Walgreen's on every corner. On Monday night,
Steve Wilson, an investigative reporter for Channel 7 News in Detroit,
did a story on generic drug prices gouging by pharmacies. He found
in his investigation that some of these generic drugs were marked
up as much as 3,000% or more. So often we blame the drug companies
for the high cost of drugs, and usually rightfully so. But in this
case, the fault clearly lies with the pharmacies themselves.
For example if you had to buy a prescription drug, and bought the
name brand, you might pay $100 for 100 pills. The pharmacist might
tell you that if you get the generic equivalent, they would only cost
$80, making you think you are saving $20. What the pharmacist is not
telling you is that those 100 generic pills may have only cost him
At the end of the report, one of the anchors asked Mr. Wilson whether
or not there were any pharmacies that did not adhere to this practice,
and he said that Costco consistently charged little over their cost
for the generic drugs.
I went to the Costco site, where you can look up any drug, and get
its online price. It says that the in-store prices are consistent
with the online prices. I was appalled. Just to give you one example
from my own experience I had to use the drug Compazine which helps
prevent nausea in chemo patients.
I used the generic equivalent, which cost $54.99 for 60 pills at CVS.
I checked the price at Costco, and I could have bought 100 pills for
$19.89. For 145 of my pain pills, I paid $72.57. I could have got
150 at Costco for $28.08.
I would like to mention, that although Costco is a “membership”
type store, you do NOT have to be a member to buy prescriptions there
as it is a federally regulated substance. You just tell them at the
door that you wish to use the pharmacy, and they will let you in.
Sharon L. Davis
U.S. Department of Commerce
Office Ph: 202-482-4458
Office Fax: 202-482-5480
So.... I agree with this wholeheartedly. I can tell ya from personal
experiece, cuz, like, a few years ago when it became necessary fer
me to havta start takin certain drugs on a regular basis, after shoppin
around a bit, I found Costco to be far and away cheaper than any one
else. They were one-half and sometimes one-third of what other pharmacies
OK, so.... while I do this, strictly outta a sense of duty, th next
time ya cop at Costco, savin yerself big-time bucks, if ya should
feel compelled outta a sense of obligation and gratitude; I wouldnt
be insulted if ya should, like, send me a ''finders fee''. Y'know,
a small token of thanks. And I'm sure it would make ya feel better
bout yerself too!! And if ya got any amigos doin legal drugs, maybe
ya oughta hip em to it also. There's savins to be had at Costco.
An Endangered Species, Th Last Of It's Kind Let's Hope!
April 3, 2009 6:59 PM
Ya'know, in yer saloons ya can meet
some reely fucked up peoples sometimes. There's somethin bout those
joints that brings out th goofiness in peoples. Might it be th booze?!
Like, last nite I ,encountered this being and in th course of our
conversation he told me that he felt George Bush was our greatest
American President of all time. Upon hearin that, I sputtered my beer
all over th bar in a totally spontaneous, visceral reaction.
It is simply beyond my comprehension how any sane person could say
anything so blatantly outrageous and stupid!! I can't help but wonder
how such a mind works that one ever come to such a ridiculous conclusion?
Had he said that th 2008 KC Royals were th best baseball team to ever
play th game, I would have jus written that off to th fanatical zeal
of a mindless, die-hard sports fan; we don't expect a whole lotta
reason or rationale there....but... Duke, this was too much fer me
to handle! I tried to explain a few things to im, like, sheeit, even
Bush's own party hacks, th same guys who used to be his cheer-leaders,
try and keep as much distance from him as they can. They're not too
interested in clingin to his coat-tails, are they? Not if they wanna
get re-elected again, that is. Now assholes like Dick Cheney tho,
can keep runnin their mouths, cuz fortunately, he won't ever hold
public office again! Hallelujah!
After all, this is a clown who became President in th most contentious
Presidential election ever held, and was elected in effect, after
weeks of confusion, by one fuckin vote! And that one vote would be
in th 5/4 Supreme Court decision that gave him th Presidency. Th stooges
put in there by th elder Bush handed him th Presidency, even tho Al
Gore had half a million more popular votes. If ya ever had any doubts
as to th significance of yer single vote, review what happened in
that election where th votes of a half million peoples were wiped
out by th vote of ONE sycophantic pawn. That one vote, makin five,
determined that election.
Then, during his Presidency, Terrorists managed to hi-jack, not jus
one plane, but four of em simultaneously, and in th process destroyed
two of th largest buildings in th world, killing over three thousand
peoples; flew another one into th most important military site in
th world, and crashed yet another one with all passengers aboard in
a field. Every time I hear some fucking idiot talk about how Bush
kept us Safe, I jus wanna puke! What??? That one little incident didn't
count??? Talk about havin one's head up their ass!! How far does it
have to be to completely ignore th worst disaster in American history
and in th next breath, tell us how safe he kept us??
So what did Georgie do about it? Well he took us into two wars, boh
of which we are still bogged down in, with our troops dying daily.
While I agree completely with th invasion of Afghanistan and have
no qualms over th justification of it, we have known for a number
of years now bout th completely phony and baseless reasons for invading
Iraq. All complete booshit!! And in th process of invadin Iraq, Bush
took his eye off th ball, lost focus, and dis-regarded his primary,
number one objective; th capture of Bin Laden and his cohorts. (Hitler
made th same mistake in 1941, when instead off finishin off th Brits
when he had th chance, he invaded Russia, prematurely it seems, eh)
Now today, eight years later, as a result of th utter Bush stupidity
in allowin Bin Laden to escape, who as I noted, was our Number One,
Highest Priority, but instead we went off into Iraq. And now, as result
of his of his short-sightedness/stupidity, Afghanistan is more dangerous
than ever. After eight years of neglect, because we were so busy in
Obama has inherited this mess and is havin to pump more men and resources
there. After eight fuckin years of Bush ncompetence!
And in th Bush Administration's futile efforts to bring th terrorists
to justice, we began authorizin torture and other barbaric acts, actions
which under international law constitute war crimes. These are actions
that no other American President had ever done before, in effect actin
jus like those we were seeking, all wrapped up in th cloak of Freedom!
Mebbe ya recall, at th end of WWII, we prosecuted, convicted and executed
some Japanese Generals fer War Crimes, i.e. waterboarding fr'instance.
Then there was th Bush Administration's denial of global warming and
refusal to sign th Kyoto Protocols, in spite of a mountain of evidence
that global warming is real. They reminded me of th Tobacco CEO's
who fer years, sat before Congressional Committees, and denied to
a man, any connection between smoking and health hazards.
And then, of course, when Geo. Bush came into office he was left with
a 500 billion dollar surplus from th Clinton years, and in th course
of only eight years of economic policies, based on th greed and avarice
of his cronies, unfettered by any silly regulations, left th new incoming
Presidency a country so far in debt as to put, not only th US, but
th entire world on th brink of a Global Depression.
This is th same great President, who in spite of his constant calls
to ''support th troops'', strangled th Veteran's Administration, slashin
their funds and benefits.
Th President who took th Justice Department and winnowed out all those
who they didn't like, and turned it into a big, Republican political
posse. That was their main criteria in hirin peoples; NON-REPUBLICANS
NEED NOT APPLY! And then there was th purge to fire all those deadbeats
who weren't on th Republican Express. They turned th, what is supposed
to be a politically unbiased Justice Dept. and turned it into jus
another arm of th Bush Monarchy.
This is th same guy who decided it was OK to monitor th telephone,
and e-mail communications of everyone in th whole country, without
havin to bother with any pesky warrants. All in th name of Freedom
and Democracy. Th double-speak comin straight outta ''1984".
And then there's.......... oh hell, one could go on ad finitum, ad
nauseaum. Eight long, awful years livin thru th Bush Disaster. And
this is th greatest President we've ever had???? Mutherfucker!! OK,
let th projectile vomiting begin!
P.S. But, hey, y'know what, as bad as Bush was, when ya stack him
up against Dick Cheney, well sheeit, he was jus bush league in comparison.
Right now, Cheney seems to be on a crusade to let peoples know, he
deserves a lotta th credit too! Even most! Dick Cheney is a Megalomaniac
in th truest sense of th word. A truly Evil piece of work!
Smoking. Another Point Of View
April 1, 2009 7:27 PM
My good buddy, NorthEast Ernie wrote
''I admit I am one of those pussies. Well I don't rag on it but there
is nothing worse than the smell clinging to a smoker when they come
back inside. It is the stale smell, which is vile and disgusting.
Couple of bars I frequent had smoke eaters which took the smell out
of the air. You would have a little smell on your clothes but you
never noticed the smell inside the bar.
My grandmother could not stand the smell of cigarettes but she loved
the smell of a cigar.
It seems the young smokers tend to use the cigarette as a prop, just
hold on to the damn thing and let it burn. One, two puffs and that's
it. My gal has asthma and cigarette smoke is a killer for her. But
she was trooper and sat in some bars where the smoke hung like fog
over the moors of Scotland.
I hardly ever noticed the smell of smoke in my youth but now I'm like
some goddamn truffle-sniffin' hog LOL
The Askew Inn still allows smoking, has no ventilation (vents are
probably coated with tar and nicotine LOL) and my clothes stink bad
when I come home. Lots of cigar smokers there.
What always got my ire up was some smoker blowing the smoke my way
because they didn't want to bother people at their table. It was always
some young punk trying to impress a gal who was only there till the
money ran out. Dickwad never, ever figured it out.
God damn it Charlie, now you've got me ranting and raving. LOL''
I replied thusly.
''Ha ha Ernie, It's good to rant and rave occasionally. I do it all
th time. Have ya ever noticed? Gets th ol blood pumpin and thas always
I guess, havin been hangin out in dark, smoky saloons fer th past
50 years, I've developed a tolerance, nay, even an affinity fer th
smoke, cuz even tho I don't smoke any more these past several years,
it just doesn't bother me.
But, to each his own, eh? But, what always confuses th shit outta
me tho is, why th anti-smokers insist on perpetrating their views
on every one else? Why can't this decision be left to th bar owner
fr'instance? After all, he/she has his/her very own money, not public
funds mind ya, invested in their own business venture. Why in th fuck
can't they decide what kinda clientele they wanna to cater to? Why
do we need a law or ordinace of some kind to determine that?
And if said owner decides they're goin to operate a ''No Smoking''
joint; then fine; smokers beware, STAY TH FUCK OUT!! And vice versa!
That ought to be th owners right to choose, as long as he/she makes
it obvious what th particular rules are regardin that concern!
So, like, on th other hand, if a person wants to operate a ''Smoking
Allowed'' place, and if you are a person who is offended by that,
th solution is jus so fuckin simple, it hardly needs repeating. STAY
TH FUCK OUT!! If ya do, ya will avoid all kinda problems. Like, if
ya don't go into that joint, ya won't be assaulted by vile and disgusting
odors or have yer health impaired by second-hand smoke! Ya can pat
yerself on th back fer bein so health conscious, and go and swill
yer booze in a more healthy environment. And we all know how healthy
goodly amounts of booze are fer ya, don't we! Oh yeah, a lotta times
one of yer fellow health conscious boozers, who also find th smell
of smoke ''vile and disgusting'', will puke their pizza filled guts
out all over yer clothes and on yer shoes, but at least ya won't havta
deal with any awful smoke odors, eh! Nothin sez, ''I had a good time.''
like goin home reekin of puke!
Furthermore, if ya don't wanna work in that kinda environment, DON'T
APPLY FER A JOB THERE!! Put yer health first, and wait fer an opening
in a non-smoking joint, or, find some other line of employment!! Hard
choices to be sure, but it's up to th individual to decide, not some
fuckin govt. agency.
But Noooo, fer Zealots like I'm talkin about, thas not good enuff.
They insist that Everybody conform to Their World View! If they had
their way, they wouldn't allow Any Body to smoke Any Where or Any
Time!! If they had their way, they would make it illegal, a crime,
fer you to do so, and incarcerate yer ass fer doin it. All fer yer
Own Good of course!
Sorry Ernie, yerself excluded, I still say, ''Fuck em!''
Ooops. Th Cap'm Goes Off!
April 1, 2009 3:41 PM
In th ''letters to the editor'' page
of Monday's Star, this clown wrote about how when he's sitting
in a bar, sometimes he can smell th smoke after smokers (who have
had to leave th bar to go outside to indulge) come back inside. I
mean, get this, this fucker is sitting in a fucking bar, y'dig! If
ya've ever been in a bar before, ya know how mos bars
smell, right?! They usually reek of stale beer. It's kinda to be expected
considerin th circumstances, eh.
But this highly sensitive asshole is complainin that
he can smell th smoke thas drifted in th joint after some one has
been outside. Sheeit. Go back and play in yer sandbox ya pussy-assed-mutherfucker!
Ya ain't got no bidness drinkin with adults! He wuz prolly complainin
to th bartender his daiquiri didn't have enuff sugar in it too, y'know
what I mean!
Here's one! Non-smokers often times use th expression,''vile and disgusting''
when they're talkin about smoking. Sheeit, gimme a break, huh! These
are a few definitions of those words--''wretched, depraved, loathsome,
profound repugnance or aversion'', OK? Now granted th smell of burnin
tobacco may not be perfume to yer senses, and th fact that some one
is inhalin that smoke may not be yer cup o' tea, but isn't, ''vile
and disgusting'' pretty much grand hyperbole. Much ado about nothin!
An exaggeration to th point of bein meaningless! A bunch of cry-baby
And that cliche bout smellin like an ashtray. See, they're tryin to
shame th smokers, y'know, like,
''Ohmigod! I'm not gonna boink him/her, cuz they smell like an ashtray."
Sheeit! I'll tell ya; some of th shit I smell some gurlz or guyz are
wearin when they walk by; I'll take th ashtray!
Th problem is, that so many of these ''offended'' peoples themselves
nurture obsessions/addictions of their own. They might require 30
cups of coffee a day, or drink 8-10 cokes a day, or eat like pigs
and be grossly obese, or take 5 prozacs a day, or...a million other
things...but they find smoking, ''vile and disgusting''? C'mon, hows
bout a little perspective here, huh?
Th ones who reely piss me off th mos tho are th boozers like this
sanctimonious, holier-than-thou fuck-nut who are oblivious to th fact
that there are god-fearin Christian Baptist out there who find his
beer drinkin, ''vile and disgustin'' along with his watchin of movies
and dancin too!
Personally, I've never understood th mentality of th do-gooders amongst
us who feel they have some kinda duty to tell th rest of us how to
live and conduct ourselves properly?
Well, 'properly' at least th way they determine whas proper or not.
Why in th fuck-all do they care? I mean, jus who in th fuck nominated
them as Guardians of Morality anyway? I say to em,
''Eat shit! Fuck off! And die! And leave me th fuck alone!!''
So, after readin that punks whinin, I felt compelled....compelled...(I'm
a Crusader in my own right, y'see) to save whas left of our Freedoms
and wrote th followin letter to th Star.
Keep in mind, I'm a non-smoker, but sometimes I get really amused/annoyed
at the over-the-top, sanctimonious outrage some non-smokers like John
Hall express. John complains that when he's sitting in a saloon drinking
his booze (with it's ever so lovely aroma) that sometimes when the
door opens, he can smell the smoke drift in from the smokers who just
stepped outside. He also mentions they smell like ash trays, which
is a common, over-used cliche of his ilk, whereas you see, he only
smells like a glass of stale beer! Oh, the burdens people like John
must bear! The Horror! The Horror!
Folks of his persuasion always use the terms, ''vile and disgusting''
to characterize the smoker's habit, even as they are gobbling food
down like pigs at a trough or simply indulging in the graceful and
elegant practice of imbibing alcohol turning themselves into piles
of blubbering mush, or whatever their own personal habits might be?
Get a grip! Everything considered, their collective outrage and protestations
ring pretty hollow to me.
A pretty reasonable and measured response, don'cha think?
Lookin Fer Some Enlightenment?
March 31, 2009 4:09 PM
OK, a friend who is of a more spiritual
bent then myself sent this to me. So, I'm passin it on to youse so
that maybe it will help ya get thru th days of yer lives a bit more
Need a spiritual/emotional/psychological "lift"?
I've seen these "45" life lessons before (recently expanded
to "50"), Have a great day! (Read and absorb these, and
I bet it WILL be!)
Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on
by Regina Brett
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer
rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. (yeah, sez who?)
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. (course, takin small
steps like that, ya ain't ever gonna get anywhere!)
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (hey! I got lotsa
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. (yeah, thas
why I say, ''fuck em!'')
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. ( i ain't got no steenkeeng
credit cards ese!)
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. (but what
if I'm right very fuckin time?)
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. (fuck that
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (oh yeah, then how
come he sends ya to hell fer Eternity jus cuz ya missed Mass last
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (whas a
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (same thing
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (my
main problema is with th Future)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. (nah, no, no, mama don't
let yer babies grow up to be cry babies!)
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about. (they shoulda got a guide book)
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
(ya_wanna explain that?)
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
God never blinks. (so... that means nothin ever changes?)
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get
busy dying. (get busy dying? what th fuck does that mean?)
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. (yeah i
can dig it but I needs to get out every now and then?)
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. (what if ya
wanna be an asshole?)
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
one is up to you and no one else. (no more mud pies this time, thank
ya very much!)
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
no for an answer. (how about, ''mebbe''?)
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. (look, if
you wanna wear fancy lingerie, go ahead; i'll pass ok!)
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow. (yeah, and remember; even
turds go with th flow)
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. (sheeit,
I've always worn purple! so, whas wrong with that?)
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. (speak fer yerself,
cuz I beg to differ with ya!)
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. (nah, no way!
This has gotta be some one else's fault)
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five
years, will this matter?" (fuck yeah!)
27. Always choose life. (oooh, thas heavy! now die mutherfucker, die!)
28. Forgive everyone everything. (are you shittin me? fuck you, i
don't forget or forgive. hang on to yer grudges)
29. What other people think of you is none of your business. (MYOB!)
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. (''time is but an
allusion; albeit a persistent one.'' a. einstein)
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. (in other
words, when things change, it's different?)
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch. (my friends brought me blankets laced with smallpox)
33. Believe in miracles. (haha thas a good one)
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do. (isn't that a bit conceited?)
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. (fuck
g. santayana. another one of those trite old sayings that don't mean
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young. (i dunno cuz
th most common advice i've ever gotten from old peoples; ''don't ever
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. (make
sure they're on yer visiting list, and see if they can't sneak in
some ''goodies'' fer daddy)
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. (thanks, I'll
jus take bukowski instead)
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. (if these
miracles are everywhere, then what makes em special?)
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back. (if we all threw our problems in a pile, and
shared em, would that be some kinda socialism?)
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. (maûana
is good enuff fer me)
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. (how
bout we get rid of you!!)
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you are loved. (pleeze,
no more small pox blankets)
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. (no reely.
cuz i'm jealous of everythin ya got!)
45. The best is yet to come. (another meaningless trite expression)
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. (what about
I rack out fer a few hours more? sheet, there's plenty time, right?)
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. (so does booze and dope)
48. If you don't ask, you don't get. (OK, gimme! gimme! gimme! How'zat?)
49. Yield. (hey fuck you. you yield asshoe!!!)
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. (sheeit, what
kinda gift is that, that it ain't got no bow?)
I dunno. Like, I said, I'm not of a very spiritual bent, y'dig!
th Un-spiritual cap'm
P.S. 1957--After th original chairman, Humphrey Bogart dies, Frank
Sinatra becomes Chairman of th Rat Pack. Members include Dean Martin,
Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Shirley McLain and Sammy Davis, Jr. Sammy
lost his eye in a car wreck in 1954. Just in case yer were wonderin?
Innovations In Th Smoker's World
March 31, 2009 2:43 PM
OK, ya'll, I stopped smokin tobacco
jus about four and a half years ago. So, I'm not 'up' on th latest
developments in th smoker's world. So this prolly isn't news to you
peoples who are currently still smokin, but I was astonished to discover
recently a cigarette made by th Camel folks. This is bizarre.
They have a cigarette now that if ya squeeze on th filter, ya then
convert it into a menthol flavored cig. I'm wonderin jus who thought
of that? Whoever it was, he oughta get a gold star put next to his
name. Y'know, some dude who works fer Camel was sittin around a bar
one night and thought to hisself,
''I'd kinda like a menthol cigarette right now fer a change, but I
don't wanna buy a whole pack. Hmmm, wouldn't it be cool if some how
you could convert a regular cigarette into a menthol flavored one!?''
So, th next day he goes to work and tells some one bout his idea,
and they say,
''Yeah, that would be cool, y'know, switchin to menthol and all, but
how could we do that?"
So, they tell some one in Research and Development bout it, and they
find a way to put a small menthol flavored bead in th filter, so that
if ya squeeze and break it, it then gives th cigarette a menthol flavor.
Cool huh! So, why couldn't they do that with other flavors too?
A person could buy a deck of squares, and there could be five different
flavored smokes there, if they chose to squeeze th filter, with each
flavor havin a different colored paper, y'know, like, a pale green
fer th menthol, or a rose color fer th strawberry or yellow fer th
lemon flavor, y'know, like that.
Sheeit ese, if they could make a cigarette that tastes like marijuana,
I'd take up smokin again my own damn bad self.!! Oh wait, never mind,
fuggedaboutit, I forgot, cuz I already got some smokes that tastes
like that. Ha ha
P.S. By th way, Panama is th only place where ya can get up and see
th sun rise over th Atlantic, and then, later on in th evening, watch
it set on th Pacific. Oh sure, I know, ya could get up in NYC and
watch th sunrise, and then get you on a jet aeroplane and fly to th
west coast and watch it set there, BUT, that would be cheatin! And
we're Americans boyz n gurlz. We don't do that! Aw'right, so ferget
Moderation In All Things
March 27, 2009 4:54 PM
This is a good philosophy to live by.
I always try to abide by that. Of course, it wasn't always so; when
we were younger, we didn't care bout no steenkeeng moderation; it
was full-tilt-boogie, no holds barred, balls-to-th-wall, non stop,
fuck it, who gives a shit, bring it on! Y'know!? But, as we get older
we mature, plus already havin tempted Fate so many times in our reckless
youth, with not a helluva lot we haven't already done, we tone down
our act a bit and try and act our age. Ya know what I mean, don'cha?!
But, I'm afraid last nite, Moderation took a hike; my train of common
sense abandoned me leavin me stranded there at th station. Ya could
say I went one-toke-over-th-line.... or rather, make that several
tokes. I shoulda known better, well actually I do know better from
past experience, but I fucked up and threw caution to th wind. Th
result was, not surprisingly; I was reduced to a mass of jelly, ruled
by a mind of mush. Everything was whirlin and swirlin and spinnin
around. I couldn't focus on anything.
My only goal was to keep breathin, thas all....and it took a considerable
effort jus to do that. I couldn't hardly keep th air flow pumpin.
I was deathly afraid of blackin out and then wakin, unable to breathe,
not knowin where I was or what I was doin, so I had to just concentrate
on maintainin consciousness and yet keep breathin at th same time.
It was quite a struggle Duke! And wasn't no fun at all!! It took several
hours before I could maintain my perpendicularity, unaided by walls
or tables to lean on.
I recall at one time launchin myself outta a booth, targetin a doorway
a few feet away. Well, I was fairly close, but took a small detour
and wound up in another booth instead, where I re-grouped fer a few
minutes, before my next attempt.
Somehow, I eventually made it back to th crib around 5ish this morn,
had a bowl of cereal, haha, and racked out. It's nights like that
that cause us to say, ''Never again!'', even tho as we say it, we
know we don't reely mean it. But tonite tho, I'm gonna be more circumspect
and try and set a better example fer th young folks cuz, y'know, like
I always tell em;
"Moderation dudes. Moderation!"
March 26, 2009 4:30 PM
|Mayhaps ya recall, about three weeks ago, when I hipped
ya to my new hobby; eatin cereal. Well, shortly thereafter I received
this bit of advice from my good buddy, th Herr Doktor Cruptster. He
lives out there in th Great North West in th woods in a trailer down
by th river, where he practices his craft. Peoples trek from far and
wide see him there where he works his Magick.
He uses certain ancient, yet highly effective techniques that have largely
been lost to modern medicine. It's surprising how many peoples never
realized th pleasant aroma some bat dust sprinkled in th fire makes
and it's soothin and relaxin effects. And of course, th throbbin of
th drums and th rhythmic janglin of th rattles enhances th experience.
My own doctor, who I told ya about years ago, who lives down there in
th Amazon basin, right next door so to speak, to th Yanomani, uses some
of th same techniques.
Well, anyway, he sent me th below which, bein a rookie and all, I found
to be very helpful and informative.
Welcome to the wonderful world of cereal. I would like to make some
suggestions for you as I am somewhat of a cereal expert. First, now
that you are beginning your new hobby, remember that variety is the
spice of life. Look for the kids packs or multi packs with multiple
varieties of cereals to get your hobby going.
You don't get as much cereal for your money but you do get a good sampling
of what is out there. That way you have a better direction to move forward
from. Some people love sugary cereal that is pre flavored. Some people
are self sugarers. Some people like crispy cereal and some like soggy.
Personally, as a connoisseur I like nearly every variety for their own
attributes, but this kind of appreciation often takes time.
For instance, if you like your cereal to stay crisp, a good place to
start is with mini wheats. If you are a self sugarer (as it sounds like
your are) regular mini wheats will do. After the application of milk,
the mini wheats can be sugared to taste. I like to apply milk first
as it helps the sugar adhere to the surface of each cereal piece. Mini
wheats are kind of like a triscuit cracker made into a cereal version.
They stay pretty crispy throughout the dining experience. If you are
not a self sugarer than mini wheats makes a lazy mans version called
frosted mini wheats in which one side of each mini wheat is individually
pre sugared. Genius but overkill for the thrifty self sugarer.
Some other great cereals for the self sugarer are cheerios, wheaties,
corn flakes and grapenuts. All of these cereals start crispy and by
the end of the bowl are a bit more mushy. For my day to day cereal pleasure
these seem to be my standard. Cheerios, wheaties and corn flakes also
make sugared versions for the lazy consumer.
You seem to have made a quick leap into the granola category, perhaps
from some lingering hippiness in your past, and that is fine. Granolas
do a great job of adding lots of extras, like fruit and nuts and can
usually tolerate a good sugaring as well. The final category and perhaps
the most extravagant is the sugary kids cereal. Man, let me tell you,
this is a great place for exploration. I typically reserve the sugary
kids cereal for the late night, post bar celebratory cereal, and it
is like a desert feast.
There is simply too much to cover in this category because it can go
from fruity to chocolaty to honey coated. But this is a great place
for the mixed pack to offer some variety.
In this category some of my favorites are fruity pebbles, honey combs,
corn pops and lucky charms. These cereal will NOT require any additional
sugar. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any more questions.
ps. I do not work for the cereal industry nor do I mention any of the
owning corporations of the types of cereals I like because I am not
a corporate whore.
pps. The above email may be seriously harmful to your health and should
not be considered my medical advice in any way.
Dr. Michael Crupper
Gift of Life Clinic
"Giving the Gift of a Healthy Life"
4259 NE Broadway
Portland, OR 97213
And it jus so happened, that last nite upon enterin th saloon, there
he was, th Doktor hisself, in from th wilds of th Great North West,
in town fer a clan member's weddin.
After th customary greetings and salutations, naturally th conversation
turned to Cereal. But, of course. At one point, Th Doktor, extollin
th virtues, suggested I try some Chocolate Puffs.
So, earlier this afternoon, I trucked on down to th supermarket, copped
a box, and jus finished a pleasant and tasty bowl a few minutes ago.
Thankz, Herr Doktor, fer th tip. It was right-on!
So aw'right, boyz n gurlz, if ya find yerself out in th woods some time
out there in th Great North West and needin some medical attention,
or mebbe ya jus needs some advice on yer cereal intake, stop by th Doktor's
trailer. Tell im th Cap'm sent ya, and get an extra dose of bat dust
P.S. Y'know, I'm findin this new cereal hobby a lot more satisfying
on several levels than my former hobby collectin sesame seeds.