joe dreck
April, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, is confident he can defeat
the corporate powers and make the world safe for WebTV again.

Subject: Men Are Such Cads, eh!
Thursday, April 30, 2009 7:28 PM

Last nite I was rappin with this gurl and she was tellin me all her woes vis a vis her former boyfriend. Oh what a low life he was!! He was jus horrid. But she told me th thing that pissed her off th most, th worst thing he did; after she told im to take a hike, when he finally left he packed up all his things....but....
he took her dildo with him. (GASP) Th Cur!!

I commiserated with her. I said,

"Oh you poor thing! Thas terrible! How ever did you survive?"

She said,

"Thanks! It wasn't easy, I can tell you that!!''

OK, so dudes, looky here, be a gentleman, huh! Th next time ya break up with yer gurlfriend, be a square shooter and don't be a ''dildo-snatcher''; leave th dildo behind! OK?!''

th cap'm

Subject: Say What!! What In Th Fuck Is Goin On?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 12:49 PM

Arlen Specter, long time politician and Republican stalwart, sez he's gonna switch parties; become a Democrat! This gives ya some idea of how far th Republicans have dropped, when a guy like Arlen Spector decides there is no longer a political future with th bunch of clowns th Republicans have become. I'm sure Nancy Reagan had no idea her little, trite, anti-drug phrase,

''Just say No'' would become th rallying cry and central position of th Republican Party some day. Seemingly their raison d'etre.


It is inconceivable to me that some one approved th flyin of a large plane, followed by 2 F-16 fighters, as tho they were in pursuit, over th city of New Yawk!! For a photo-op!! Without botherin to inform any one that what they were seein, wasn't another terrorist attack! Are you kiddin me?!

I don't believe their bullshit explanation of a ''photo-shoot'' fer one fookin second! There's gotta be some other reason fer that kinda Insanity, but my imagination is not good enuff to conceive jus what it could possibly be! In any case, whoever approved that Madness needs to be fired Yesterday, and possibly committed to a facility some place where they will no longer be a danger to Society! How could anyone be so completely oblivious to th effect that would have on any one witnessin it?


Gosh darn it all to heck; accordin to Fox News, if Obama's policies don't doom us first, we're all gonna die of swine flu!


Capt. Hoohah/Duderino, notorious Luddite, was seen yesterday loiterin around that bridge, y'know, that bridge to th 21st Century, th Third Millennium Bridge. Word on th Street is that he is contemplatin th purchase of an actual computer, as opposed to th primitive device he currently employs. Th world changes, eh? Adapt or perish. First Arlen Spector, then th Cap'm. Whas next, flyin pigs? Stay tuned boyz n gurlz!

Subject: Ooooh, That Smell!
Monday, April 27, 2009 5:14 AM

Th smell that wouldn't go away! This is a tale of Horror and Terror. And it could happen to you too boyz n gurlz. So...heed this story well. Take th time, do th research, know what yer gettin before ya cop yer after-shave lotion.

It began last week. I had a couple of half dollars that I was tryin to tarnish on purpose. I was tryin to duplicate th effect of my dime earring. See, I've got this 1941 Mercury-head dime earring I've told ya about before. This is th one I've lost and found (thanks St. Anthony) several times. But what I did, and I have on idea how I accomplished this years ago, but I managed to get th dime to tarnish to th point where it became completely black. Then I polished only th profile of Mercury's head so that it stands out in sharp contrast to th black background y'see. So, it gives it a kinda cameo effect and makes fer a distinctive and unique earring. No one else has one of these.

So...I decided to try and duplicate that effect with a couple half-dollars I have, one Kennedy, one Ben Franklin, but this time as a necklace, not an earring. Twould be a mite heavy fer th ears, y'see. I had been told that some alcohol would speed up th tarnishin process. But in searchin th crib, I didn't have any alcohol around. But I did find a box of old Avon after-shave bottles I bought at a garage sale many years ago, and one of th bottles was a brown, boot-shaped bottle that was half full of what was called, ''Avon Leather''. I thought,

''Well sheeit, this after-shave must have a lot of alcohol in it.''

So I took th thing and filled up half of a cup with it. And dropped th two half-dollars in there to soak and hopefully tarnish. Now this after-shave had a particularly sharp, pungent throughly unpleasant aroma about it. I can't imagine why in th fuck any one woulda ever bought any of this crap to begin with; it's like somethin a two-dollar whore might be awash in, y'know, a reely cheap, tawdry, over powering kinda smell!

I sat th cup on a counter in th kitchen and returned to my livin quarters here on th sofa, but as I was tryin to read, I could still catch whiffs of that after-shave, so I took it and sat it in a spare bedroom and closed th door.

Th next day, I took it back in th kitchen to check it out, but th coins hadn't tarnished even slightly. Curses! So I reached into th cup and retrieved th coins, turnin em over to check both sides. While I was foolin around I accidentally knocked th cup over spillin th after-shave all over th counter, so I got some picker-upper and soaked it all up and tossed th soaked towel-ette in th trash.

By now, it was time fer me to get out into th nite and assume my spot in th tavern, so I sat th coins on th end table next to th sofa, but my hands smelled like that damned after-shave so I washed em with some baking powder to kill th odor. Then, after abusin some substances, I headed up to th saloon, but on th way, I could still small that stuff on my hands. It was not only powerful but godammed awful. Th whole car reeked and I had to roll th window down cus I couldn't stand th smell. I thought about all th peoples I smell who walk by and seemed to have bathed in what ever odiferous crap they're wearin, oblivious to th fact that they jus plain Stink! Period! And ya can smell em from 10 feet away.

And so, not wantin to be that person...when I got to th bar, I didn't speak or greet any body, but headed straight to th kitchen to wash my hands again. Th bartender came in and saw me and said,

''Yo Charley, what in th hell are ya doin?"

cuz my hands were all lathered up and I looked like a doc preppin myself fer an operation. I said,

''What th hell does it look like I'm doin? Trollin fer Marlin? I'm washin my hands, OK!?''

Then after washin vigorously, I went in th bar, sat and ordered my brew, and after a few minutes, I couldn't help but notice that smell again. Damn! So I went back in th kitchen fer another session....went back out to th bar, and after a few minutes... and I'll be damned but there it was again! Still! So I went back in th kitchen and was washin feverishly once more and th same bartender happened to come in and saw me again and shook his head and he jus said,

"Yeah, I know, yer washin yer hands."

''Thas right Ace. Good eye!''

Aw'right, so about an hour later I was rappin with this gurl and she started sniff sniffin and stuff, y'know, and she said,

''Gee Charley, whas goin on? I never knew you to wear cologne before! What is that?"

And I said,

''Godamit, I'm not wearin cologne!! This is some crap I spilled on myself, OK!''

And I got up and went back to th kitchen fer some more washin. This time I figured if th bartender saw me washin my hands fer th fourth time, I'd jus tell im I was obsessive/compulsive and be done with it.

Well anyway, I got back to th crib around 3:30 and as soon as I opened th door my olfactory organ was brutally assaulted. My whole crib reeked of ''Avon Leather'', and my nasal passages OD'd. Ten Thousand Curses. Damn! Fuck! Shit, Mutherfucker! I took th coins and th cup and picked th paper towel outta th trash and wrapped em up in a towel and put that in a plastic bag, tied it and sealed it, and sat th whole steeenkeeng mess out on th porch. But as I tried to get to sleep I noticed that th end table th coins had been sittin on had acquired that odor too. I couldn't escape it. There was nothin I could do and no where I could hide, so... I did two heavy duty pain pills to jus knock myself out. I dreamed I died and went to Hell and no sooner had I arrived and they dumped a whole barrel of ''Avon Leather'' on me! It was a nightmare Duke!!

And then, th next day, I could still smell it. It had permeated my world!

Everything I had touched when I was polluted had acquired th odor. This god-awful smell took four days to finally fade away. The End!! But I'm not so sure it's over...cuz now....sometimes..... early in th morn, when it's quiet, before even th birds have woken up, I think I can sense th merest whiff, but I'm not sure if I actually do...or if my mind is jus playin tricks on me.

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, if ya happen to know of a method of tarnishin silver, without havin to summon some Demons, or if it doesnt involve any after-shave lotion, lemme know, will ya!

Subject: Th Luster Fades; Doubt Creeps In
Sunday, April 26, 2009 10:53 PM

Y'know kidz, as I told ya a few days ago, I was so thrilled to finally get flames put on my own ride. I was sooo elated! It's jus somethin I always wanted to do. I've been lookin at kustom cars fer 50 years thinkin that one day I was gonna do that myself. That I was gonna have some flames put on my own ride! But now that I have; now that I look at th finished product, I dunno!

I've been havin some second thoughts on th flame job. In spite of my initial enthusiasm I'm not so sure that it was a good idea now or not? Fer some reason it didn't turn out th way I had imagined it to. I'm wonderin if in fact, it doesn't detract from th smooth, natural, elegant lines of th car? Y'know, th low, sleek, shark-like profile. I'm wonderin now if I shouldn't have jus left well enough alone? I'm wonderin now if that money couldn't have been better spent on some other aspect of th car, i.e. lake pipes fr'instance? I wonder?

th cap'm

P. S. Actor David Hasslehoff said, ''I do have a great relationship with God..... He helped me when I had a drinking problem... He helped me through my divorce. He helped me through big decisions on the Knight Rider series.''
Ha ha Inspiritual huh! Yeah David, I'll bet he reely liked Baywatch too!

Subject: Exciting News
Thursday, April 23, 2009 3:56 PM

Ok kids, check this out. I have a kinda unique car. It's a 1999 Cadillac “Fleetwood Limited.” Cadillac sub-contracted out th manufacture of this vehicle to th Superior Coach Co, outta Lima, Ohio. It is basically an extended Sedan DeVille, cuz th body was lengthened by a foot, so it has a huge amount of room in th back seat. So, while it's not a limousine, an NFL defensive line man would have plenty of room there. Likewise, an NBA center. So it's perfect in it's role fer runnin my Ms. Daisy about town in. Even tho she's only about 4' 7'' tall it makes it very easy for her to get in and out of. And theres enuff room in th trunk fer a half dozen wheelchairs.

But besides th extension of th frame, it's most unique feature is; they only made em fer two years, '98 and '99, and they only made 467 of em!! Thas all! They're not very common, y'see! Last week, I happened to see another one; but it was th only other one I've ever seen here in KC in th last three years since I bought mine.

Perhaps ya recall, back in February, I had some fookin mook, who was rappin on his cell phone at th time, rear-ended me while I was stopped in traffic. Did some damage to th rear end. Th peoples who did th repair work somehow lost one of th fender skirts while they were repairin it. When I heard that, I went ballistic. Th shop foreman told me it was no big deal; that they would replace it. I told im,

''Where in th fuck do ya think yer gonna find another one? They only made 467 of these cars with th fender skirts and that was ten fookin years ago!!"

But he assured me they'd find one; from th factory, th internet, a salvage yard... who knows, but he assured me they would find one somewhere. I said,

"Sheeit dude, no fuckin way yer gonna find another one!!''

So, he called me back about a week later and said,

''Well Mr. Hoohah, I'm sorry but we can't find another fender skirt fer yer car!! We've looked everywhere; th factory didn't have any, no salvage yards had one, none on th internet either.''

And not bein an I-told-ya-so-kinda-guy, I immediately told im,

"Well, I told ya that a week ago dude!! So..whadda ya gonna do now?"

What they hadda do was; literally make me another one! It took em 5 fookin weeks! I jus got it put back on last Wednesday!

OK, OK, so here's where th excitin news I told ya about earlier comes in. Since I bought th car three years ago I've done a few things to make it a bit more distinctive. I had th windows tinted to give it a dark menacin look, (th car itself is a deep, dark blue, almost black) I modified th grill to distinguish it from other Caddys, I put some 'FlowMaster' mufflers on it to give it a low, throaty kinda rumble, I put on a pair of spotlights, like th old custom cars of th 50's, I put on some custom, low profile wheels to replace th regular wheels and also dropped th car a couple inches in th process and I had some modest pin-stripin done a while back on th hood and trunk.

And so yesterday, fer th coup de grasse, I had some flames put on th sides emanatin from th wheel wells. I have always wanted some flames on my ride since they first came on th scene in th mid 50's... and now, in my late 60's...Voila... my life-long dream has finally come true. OK, whadda I tell ya; is this excitin news or what, boyz n gurlz!!?

th cap'm

P.S. Another example of th ancient Chinese Philosopher who said, ''All things come to th Patient Man." And altho th ancient Chinese Philosophers were all very Ancient and Wise, the were not Politically Correct yet. These things take time, y'see.

Subject:A Faux Pas?
Thursday, April 23, 2009 2:07 AM

I was at a party a couple of nights ago and I was standin at this buffet and had jus skewered a small chunk of meat and was about to administer some kind of exotic sauce there, and th bottle said, ''Shake well before using''. So, what th hell. I did!

And I was standin there shakin and I noticed some peoples were watchin me and snickerin and carryin on, and I heard this one friend of mine laffin and tell this gurl,

"Oh, thas just th Cap'm!"

See, th thing is; th bottle didn't say exactly how long yer supposed to shake, and then I heard someone else say,

"Yo cap'm, is that some kinda new dance yer doin there?"

and this elicited several hearty guffaws from th crowd. So, not reely bein cognizant of proper etiquette, I jus stood there grinnin and shakin, and shrugged my shoulders, but I had th disquieting feeling I had committed some kind of social gaffe. What is th proper procedure? I mean, jus how fookin long are ya supposed to shake anyway? And do ya shake yer whole body? Or jus yer upper torso or what? Are ya supposed to do th hokey-pokey, th boog-a-loo, or what?

Bein a non-dancin, ill coordinated oaf anyway, I must say I felt pretty darned foolish. Sheeit, they oughta put some kind of disclaimer on that bottle, y'know, something to th effect,

"If you can't even do the makarena, fuggedabout even tryin this!"

But on th other hand, bein th kind of guy who doesn't question Authority or anything like that; cuz y'know what a stickler I am when it comes to th Rules, I was simply followin instructions, y'dig, cuz thas jus th kinda guy I am! No rebel here! But, ya'd think tho that they could be a bit more specific-- "Shake Well''. I mean, dig it, thas pretty vague, don'cha think? And so, several days later, I'm still wonderin,

"WHY? What's it all about Alfie?''

I mean, I eat lotsa other stuff and I don't have to shake to do it. So... what's th deal here anyway? I'm tellin ya, th next time tho, when I'm in a public place and encounter a situation similar to that, I'm jus gonna stick to th basics. Don't need no fancy condiments! Maybe jus have some mustard instead. Don't gotta be doin no shakin to have ya some mustard either!!!

th cap'm

P.S. Naomi Campbell, and I quote,

''I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.''

You go, gurl!

Subject: Old News
Monday, April 20, 2009 6:38 PM

OK, I hate to be redundent, cuz I'm sure ya've already heard about th baby seal that ran into a club and.......

Yeah, yeah, I know, yer already familiar with it, but did'ja see on th news yesterday about that dyslexic drunk that went into th bra and.......

Aw'right, never mind. I know; it's yesterday's news by now. Scuuuuse me, OK!

th seldom there, but at least, always late cap'm

Subject: Texas Governor Threatens To Secede
Saturday, April 18, 2009 5:04 PM

Ha ha Well, ya gotta credit those Texans one thing; they do provide laffs with their antics to any one with half a brain. This is a reely good one! Cuz, what we have here is.... th Ultimate Fucknut! No goofy fuckin tea partys fer him. No, no, thas not anywhere good enuff. He is sooo upset with Washington, DC that he is threatenin to secede his state, th Great State of Texas, from th Union.

I guess he forgot Texas tried that once before, cuz they wanted to keep their slaves at th time. They didn't want no steeenkeeng guys up there in Washington, DC tellin em whether they could or couldn't own a few head of peoples..... cuz they're TEXANS, don'cha see! They're Special accordin to th Governor, and Texans in general, agree with im. A lot of em truly believe that their shit smells like roses. They think that they are more Patriotic, more law abiding, more American, smarter, richer, better looking, sexier...well take any positive adjective, add an -er or -est to it, and they'll tell ya that fits em to a T. Th only thing is tho, I guess their memories aren't so hot, cuz they seem to have forgotten what happened to their sorry asses th last time they tried to secede. But when dealin with loons like this, why bother with pesky stuff like ''facts''.

I know some peoples out in Colorado who work in th ski resorts, and I know from my own personal experience drivin a hack, to a person, we have always loathed and dreaded peoples from Texas. Smug, arrogant, pompous, loud, blow-hard braggerts, but most important to us, they were th cheapest, no-tippingest bastards yawould ever encounter. They said they'd much rather work a room full of lawyers, or doctors even, who are notoriously cheap, than a crowd of Texans. They said, when a herd of Texans came in, makin their loud obnoxious entrance, there was a collective groan that went up thru th wait/staff, cuz no matter what ya did, those fuckers could find somthin to bitch about, which then justified em stiffin ya!!

"Shoot! That surly bitch was waay to slow in lightin up mah ceegar! She don't derserve no tip!"

Here's what I'm thinking would happen if we should actually let em have their way; I'm bettin that after they secede, th Governor/Leader would decide it's waay past time fer some ethnic cleansing, time to get rid of all th flotsam and jetsam. Time to have all citizens of Hispanic taint removed back to Meheeco where they can pick all th fruit they want, and of course send all th darkies back to th Dark Continent where they can do th Boog-a-loo, and thus, Texas can then revert to th Pure White Aryan Nation it deserves to be, accmpanied by a loud chorus of, ''Yip-eees!"

God Bless The Republic of Texas.

(well of course ya know He does! Bless them that is. Above all others!! I mean, they're TEXANS, y'know!)

th cap'm

P.S. On th other hand, a different view of things, my amigo, ''New Yawk Dave'' looks at it like this,

''with the steady march of demographics, texas will be voting democrat by 2012, or certainly by 2016. the good ole boys will go nutso as Latinos drive policy.''

I like this scenario better.

Subject: Texas--It's A Gas!!
Thursday, April 16, 2009 7:52 PM

OK boyz n gurlz, lemme explain that statement jus a bit; by ''gas'', I mean, like, as in a giant, chili-inspired Fart! I've been listenin to th Governor of Texas threatenin to "secede'' lately cuz he doesn't like whas happenin in th new Government Administration, which was duly elected by a majority of th American peoples. It's one of those bulwarks of a Democracy; y'know, th right of th peoples to select th Man they feel is best suited to lead th country. After eight crushin years of Geo. Bush, th peoples decided, "Basta''!

But this ragin fuck-nut is talkin bout secedin, cuz he don't like it! I know how he feels tho, cuz I seceded myself durin th past eight year nightmare, but I wasn't th Governor of th second largest state in th Union, and no one gave a shit what I felt anyway. Every one was too busy followin in lockstep with Der Leader at th time to pay any attention to my rantings and ravings. Thankfully, they finally woke up out their collective trance and decided they wanted to try something different. Ideas and policies based on Reason and Rationale, instead of Fantasy and Ego-maniacal Jingoistic Chauvinism.

What th hell is with these arrogant, pompous Texas bastards anyway? What can ya say except; those fuckers are NUTZ! Sheeit, this is th same state where JFK was assassinated, right there in th Big D, th heart and soul and capitol of wingnuts everywhere.

This is th same state that executed far more peoples under Gov. Bush than any other state. Sheet, this is th state that gave us George Bush as Der Leader himself, fr'chrissake! They breed loony nutballs of th first magnitude like rabbits there. It's like a cottage industry. Hell, if I could go back in time, I would insist my mom left San Antonio on Nov. 16th, 1941, and went some place else fer th day; any place, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana, sheeit I don't care, jus get th hell outta Texas fer th day, so I wouldn't be burdened with this stigma fer th rest of my life.

Fer th first time in my life and I never thought I would say this, but I can now empathise with th attitude of all those right-wing, anti-civil rights, Vietnam war fanatics who used to tell us hippies, "Love it or leave it!" Now, I know how ya felt dudes. All I can say today to those Texans who would like to secede,

"Good Riddance and Adios Mutherfuckers! And don't let th door bump ya on th way out!''

th cap'm

P.S. Hey ya'll, don't tell any one I told ya bout bein born there! Let's jus keep this little tawdry secret among ourselves, OK!?

Subject: De Cap'm Goes On A Nit-picking Quest
Thursday, April 16, 2009 2:57 PM

I've jus been sittin round th crib here...a bit bored, havin gotten tired of playin with my Quackin Duck Soap Dispenser, wonderin what to do with th rest of my day?

I thought bout maybe goin duck huntin over at Loose Park fer a while, but my last few forays over there pretty much decimated th population of those geese critters who were not bright enuff to head south durin th Fall. Whoooeee ese, these fuckin AK 47's make a pretty formidable duck weapon. Besides it's not all that much fun chasin those one-winged, one footed survivors down and administerin th coup de grace. Not much of a chase either when ya get right down to it. It kinda takes some of the thrill out th ''hunt'', ya know whut I mean!

Well anyway, I decided to go nit-pickin instead, and I didn't even have to leave th premises! I recalled a person I know who wrote me after this past election, whose husband has been in politics fer some thirty years himself. Her son had jus lost a local election bid of his own. She wrote that, and I quote,

"After the poles closed we... blah blah blah",

and then further on she wrote that, her daughter Maybelline (not her real name)
''was a pole watcher."

I dunno, wouldn't ya think that after some thirty years being on th periphery of politics, elections and all that sorta thing, that she would know th difference between a, "pole" and a "poll" by now?? I mean, I hate to be a nit-picker, I really do, but, still.........

th cap'm

P.S. of course, we all mis-spell werds sometimes. No big deal in th big scheme of it all, eh? But this is not a mis-spelling, this is jus what I likes to call, ''Sheer Fuckin Ignorance.'' It seems to be endemic to our politicians, and all those associated with em!

Subject: Small Co-incidences
Thursday, April 16, 2009 1:58 PM

Sometimes writers suffer from what is known as, ''writer's block'', i.e. th inability to think of anything to write. Not bein a writer myself tho, I don't have that particular problem, but...what I do get sometimes is, ''babbler's block''. It's pretty much self explanatory, eh. There jus ain't any babble or drivel there, y'know what I mean?!

My mind has been lyin fallow fer a while now, which is actually not all that unusual, so I haven't babbled much lately. I've been sufferin from a malaise I think I may have picked up off a toilet stool... or a doorknob... or, who knows?

But, anyway, earlier today I had lunch with an old friend of mine and in th course of our conversations I mentioned to her that I had jus finished readin a fiction novel Wm. F. Buckley had written some years ago about th Nuremburg trials held after th Second World War and I pointed out that one of th characters in th book kept referrin to th
B-29s he had flown against th Germans in 1943 and 1944 and I told her that was bullshit. I said,

''Yo, what fuckin bullshit! Buckley oughta known better than that; sheeit, any one who knows anything about WWII would know we never flew th B-29's in Europe. Those bombers were B-17 Flying Fortresses, B-24 Liberators or mebbe B-25 Mitchells. Th B-29 Super Forts only saw action in th Pacific in th bombing campaigns against Japan!" (this is typical of th kinds of things one takes away from a lunch with th cap't.....useless bits of information that have a shelf life of about two seconds) I pressed my point home vigorously until I noticed her eyes glazin over.

Well, anyway, I came home a few minutes ago and had a package from my former wife awaitin me. Enclosed was a copy of Stephen E. Ambrose's book, THE WILD BLUE......the men and boys who flew the B-24s over Germany in 1944-45." Ha ha Did'ja get that? OK, ya notice he is not talkin B-29s here, but... B-24 Liberators! So
There!!...........vindication of my earlier assertion. It's funny isn't it that I should get that at that time, considerin my conversation of only a couple hours previously. Life can be strange, huh!

Interestingly, I also received in th same package a Yellow Quacking Duck Liquid Soap Dispenser. It quacks (well, YEAH) and reminds one to wash their hands. Like lots of peoples everywhere, especially in Third World countries, I have always wanted to own a Yellow Quacking Duck Soap Dispenser, but never believed it would actually happen, and now, here in th twilight of my years.... it has! Life can be strange, huh?

And in another small co-incidence, it fits in very nicely with my Quacking Duck phone.
See, when I get a call, it goes,


in duck-like fashion, rather than th, ''RING, RING, RING" of th traditional phone.

Occasionally tho, specially in th Fall when th ducks head southward, I hear th quackin and sometimes race to answer th phone, before realizin that it was jus some lone quacker, gettin a late start, tryin to catch up with th rest of th crew. In that case it jus means,
"I'm late. I'm late! Hey yo dudes, slow down! Wait up fer me!" rather than signifyin that some one is tryin to make contact with me, don'cha see!! Oooops. Damn but I hate it when I get fooled like that, but Life can be strange sometimes, huh!

th cap't

P.S. By th way ya'll, is there anything more boring than listenin to someone tell ya bout their dreams? If there is, I can't imagine what it would be, but, anyway, last night I dreamt that I was watchin a football game from a very high place up in th stadium and that Dean Martin purposely pushed me over the edge. Of course, I flapped my arms vigorously to cushion my fall and bein reely pissed, I struggled mightily to climb back up and I confronted him,

"Yo Deano, why in th fuck did ya do that? We've only met a couple of times before and both times it was in dreams, and I never did shit to you! So why did you do that to me??"
And he just shrugged his shoulders and said in typical Dean Martin fashion, "You figure it out kid!" and he faded away before I could kick his ass.....leavin me ponderin th meaning of it all. Specially that ''kid'' part. Like I said before, Life can be strange, huh!

Subject: Interpreting Our Dreams
Sunday, April 12, 2009 11:51 PM

OK, last nite I dreamed I had been invited to a very chi chi soiree. When I arrived at this luxurious high-rise, I got on th elevator, but instead of takin me up to th top floor penthouse, it took me SIDEWAYS!! HORI-ZON-TALLY, y'unnerstan!! I thought to myself,

"Whoa! This is kinda bizarre!''

When suddenly, it came to an abrupt stop, throwin me forward somewhat and th doors opened. Now I was lookin out th doors at th dumpster in th rear parking lot. Again, I thought to myself,

"Hey, wait a minute, This don't look like no fuckin penthouse to me!"

And then, I heard th sound of machinery and there was a clankin sound and gears grindin and th rear wall of th elevator started movin slowly forward, forcin me out of th elevator into th parking lot. Th doors slammed behind me with a loud CLANG, soundin a lot like th CLANG ya hear there in th Crossbar Hotel, ya know That sound! And it had that same Finality to it too! And th elevator went noisely away. I stood there, confused, in a large courtyard, completely surrounded by tall buldings, still hearin th echo of th doors slammin shut, lookin at th deserted lot, a cold, wet wind whippin up trash and sendin it flyin outta th dumpster...... tryin to figure out what jus happened, and then, it occured to me.... and I shouted out in a rage, into th empty nite, as loud as I could,

"Hey, if ya don't want me at yer godam party THEN DON'T FUCKIN INVITE ME!!!!! OK!!"

And I woke up at that point, and as I thought about it, and rehashed th dream, I got pissed, y'know!! It was pretty darned disrespectful I thought, to force me outta th elevator and leave me standin there, stranded, in a cold, deserted parkin lot. Damn, I wish I could remember who invited me in th first place cuz I'd like to send em a copy of Miss Manners Book Of Etiquette. Th Asshole!!!

the beleaguered cap't

Subject: Bad Attitude
Friday, April 10, 2009 3:43 PM

Altho their popularity is waning in these days of high gas prices, th Hummer is still a must fer a certain breed of peoples. I read somthin recently about Hummers, (jus so there's no confusion, I'm talkin bout th vehicle kind here, OK) and their owners, and why they liked them. Not all of course, but many of these critters do have a certain smug, superior attitude towards th rest of us, th non-Hummer segment of th population, and this one gurl, after describin how she liked to sit waay up high there, high above all th proles y'know, in their oh-sooo common, tacky little cars; whut she liked best bout it wuz, in her words,


And this, I think, pretty much summarises th attitude so many of these SUV-type critters drive with, as in,


That kinda attitude pisses me off jus on general principle, so I likes to challenge em on that. ''Oh Yeah?'' Kinda like th old "chickie run" back in th olden days. Ya remember those, don'cha? Closin in on yer opponent, left front fenders aimed at each other.... adrenaline pumpin....oh th Rush of Survival Sigh! Nostalgia fer th old days. Ha ha. I don't think young kids still do that today, do they? Now they go hill hoppin' or somthin, and I can certainly see th thrill in that too...hittin th crest of that hill....goin airborne.... and seein if ya can land without killin yerself. Right on. Whoopie!

So....I spose that it's inevitable that, one of these days tho, I'm gonna encounter a "hard case".......y'know, some Labrador Retriever ownin Mom whose Cub Scout, Honor Roll spawn jus lost THE Most Important Game of th Soccer Season and whose whole world has jus crumbled around her, and is now gonna take it out on this jerk who refuses to yield, and is then gonna consequently squash me like a bug. Oh well..... whut can one do but live out their destiny, eh?!

th cap'm

P.S. It will give added grist to those who ponder my epitaph,

Th' Cap't, 11/16/41— ??
"Whut th fuck wuz that all about?"

Subject: To SUV, Or Not To SUV?!
Friday, April 10, 2009 3:05 PM

I wuz drivin down th road a little while ago and I got behind this giant SUV and on th rear window there wuz a large American waving-flag decal and next to it, wuz a yellow ''support the troops'' ribbon decal and on th bumper, a sticker that said, "UNITED WE STAND", and also in th rear window, a sign that said, "I'M PROUD OF MY CUB SCOUT".

This reference to th Cub Scouts clinched it fer me; no question bout it, I wuz definitely followin a PATRIOT! Not yer average ersatz, run-o-th-mill patriot, mind you, but a REAL AMERICAN PATRIOT. As I went by her, patriot tho she be, I couldn't resist givin her th ol one finger salute. Ha ha. I know, I know, but I jus couldn't resist. I'm sure she prolly made me fer some kinda rat bastard Commie.

I hadn't even quit chucklin, when jus seconds later, I got behind another SUV and it had also th obligatory yellow ribbon sticker, and it also had a sign in th rear window, but this one said,

"Labrador Retrievers Rule.
Other dogs Drool."

Sheeit. Give me a fookin break, eh! I mean, Whut is it with these SUV owners? And their lame-ass notices, and signs and bumper sticker slogans? Do they think that us un-SUV peons really give a shit bout their Cub Scouts and their Honor Student Brats and their Labs and Rhodesian Ridgebacks? I personally think that it oughta be perfectly legal, when in season, to take yer bottles, bricks, y'know, whutever ya cn find on th floorboard of yer rusted-out monkey-shit brown Vega, and hurl them thru th windshields of Pompous, Arrogant Sonsuvbitches such as these.

On th other hand some of my best amigos drive these kinda vehicles, but I'm not talkin bout them, of course, they're exempt; I'm talkin bout those OTHERS, and besides, if ya were to be throwin objects at th hombres I know, they would be likely to run yer Vega into a bridge abutment, and then back up and run over whut's be judicious in yer actions, eh?

Personally I find young, blond-haired bimbos wearin shades and rappin on their cell phones ta be fairly risk-free targets of my ire. Course, I always check first, jus to make sure they're not wearin a rugby jersey, cuz those rugby chics can get brutal too, y'dig!

th cap'm

Subject: Chef Hoohah Does It Again! (drum-roll please)
Friday, April 10, 2009 11:38 AM

Yes boyz and gurlz, I have done it once again. Early this morning, before rackin out, I created a culinary delight which is ridiculously easy to prepare and yet th results turned out to be so much more than the sum of th parts. A classic case of synergism, y'see.

OK, here's what ya do......fry ya a dozen strips of bacon at very low heat. Meanwhile, dump into a pan a can of pinto beans, on low heat. Dump also a can of Ro-tel 'extra hot' diced tomatoes with chili peppers, then add a can of Campbell's chicken soup with rice.
Throughly mix all these ingredients together and jus let th various ingredients simmer and meld while yer bacon is slowly fryin away. After a period of time has elapsed, which is entirely up to you; that is, whenever ya decide ya wanna commence to eatin, remove a couple of those bacon strips and spoon yer bean, tomato, chicken/rice mixture over em.


Of course there are so many variations ya could do here usin any number of different combinations of spices, and so on, but this will give ya a pretty satisfyin and inexpensive bowl of beans and rice, with a minimum of preparation. Said preparation involvin mostly th openin of th three aforementioned cans.

Jus as an aside; I'm from th "old school" and so I open my cans manually rather than usin one of those new-fangled electric can openers I see advertised. But, if yer not a "traditionalist" like myself, go ahead and go electric if ya must. Heck, I jus recently cancelled my bi-weekly delivery of ice, and have replaced my "ice box" with a more modern electric refrigerator, and I gotta admit, it's a lot more efficient.

OK now, one more thing; this 'extra hot' Rotel might be too much for some gringos.

Some gringos go,

"Dang! thas too blazin hot fer me!"

so ya might want to go with a milder version. In th end, fer about four bucks, you'll have enuff grub there to do ya fer three or four meals. I must admit, I feel just a bit sheepish takin credit for this concoction since th ingredients are already there to begin with, but sometimes th genius (perhaps I exaggerate, eh) lies in recognizin th possibilities of th combinations, even tho they're right there in front of ya all th time.

Naturally, jus like always, this creation of mine will go largely un-noticed and ignored by th culinary community at large. Sometimes, I feel like I don't get th credit and respect I deserve. I feel th futlity of a lone voice cryin out in th wilderness; my vibrations bouncin around unheard, a lot like that tree we hear about. It's discouragin Duke! I mean, look at this chef dude from New Or-lee-ans, what's his name, Paul Prudhhome, who seems to take credit for th "blackened" style of preparation. Sheeeit ese, I have been searin, blackenin, burnin, charrin, etc, etc, stuff ever since I first got my hands on a stove..... unsupervised! But, no one ever said,

"Hey yo, dig this!! Th cap't jus made a piece of Lava rock! Talk about innovative! This has all th trappins of a new culinary trend,"

and then presented me with some kind of culinary award. Nah, uh huh! All I ever got was derisive and snide remarks, with heavy doses of guffaws and chortles. Sheeit. But, looky here, when ya present this special dish to yer guests at yer next soiree and they go gaga and pull a Jerry Collona (this JC reference might not mean anything to ya younger folks. ask yer parents......they'll tell ya) after their first taste, and start badgerin ya fer yer recipe, just wink and tell them it's been in the family fer generations, and yer not allowed to "share" it. While they'll be envious of course, i'm sure they'll understand. Gut Apetite!

th cap'm

P.S. But hey, y'know what, jus to be safe, it would be prudent tho, to leave nothin in writing, jus in case yer house is co-incidentally burglarised shortly after yer beans and rice presentation.

Subject: Important Legal Drug Info
Thursday, April 9, 2009 4:35 PM

OK, ya'll, in my role as Champion of th Consumer, Guardian Of Th Peoples, Lion Of Judea..... blah, blah, blah, I am passin on this bit of helpful information sent to me by my buddy, Tommy Th D, outta Houston, Texas. If ya ever have th need to cop ya some legal drugs, this is worth readin. Check it out. By th way, this Story verified @

Let's hear it for Costco! (This is just mind-boggling!) Make sure you read all the way past the list of the drugs. The woman that signed below is a Budget Analyst out of federal Washington, DC offices.

Did you ever wonder how much it costs a drug company for the active ingredient in prescription medications? Some people think it must cost a lot, since many drugs sell for more than $2.00 per tablet.

We did a search of offshore chemical synthesizers that supply the active ingredients found in drugs approved by the FDA. As we have revealed in past issues of Life Extension a significant percentage of drugs sold in the United States contain active ingredients made in other countries. In our independent investigation of how much profit drug companies really make, we obtained the actual price of active ingredients used in some of the most popular drugs sold in America.

Celebrex: 100 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $130.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.60 – Percent markup: 21,712%

Claritin: 10 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $215.17
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.71 – Percent markup:30,306%

Keflex: 250 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $157.39
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.88 – Percent markup: 8,372%

Lipitor: 20 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $272.37
Cost of general active ingredients: $5.80 – Percent markup: 4,696%

Norvasc: 10 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $188.29
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.14 – Percent markup: 134,493%

Paxil: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $220.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $7.60 – Percent markup: 2,898%

Prevacid: 30 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $44.77
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.01 – Percent markup: 34,136%

Prilosec: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $360.97
Cost of general active ingredients $0.52 – Percent markup: 69,417%

Prozac: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $247.47
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.11 – Percent markup: 224,973%

Tenormin: 50 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $104.47
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.13 – Percent markup: 80,362%

Vasotec: 10 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $102.37
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.20 – Percent markup: 51,185%

Xanax: 1 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $136.79
Cost of general active ingredients: $0.024 – Percent markup: 569,958%

Zestril: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets) $89.89
Cost of general active ingredients $3.20 – Percent markup: 2,809%

Zithromax: 600 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $1,482.19
Cost of general active ingredients: $18.78 – Percent markup: 7,892%

Zocor: 40 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $350.27
Cost of general active ingredients: $8.63 – Percent markup: 4,059%

Zoloft: 50 mg Consumer price: $206.87
Cost of general active ingredients: $1.75 – Percent markup: 11,821%

Since the cost of prescription drugs is so outrageous, I thought everyone should know about this.

It pays to shop around! This helps to solve the mystery as to why they can afford to put a Walgreen's on every corner. On Monday night, Steve Wilson, an investigative reporter for Channel 7 News in Detroit, did a story on generic drug prices gouging by pharmacies. He found in his investigation that some of these generic drugs were marked up as much as 3,000% or more. So often we blame the drug companies for the high cost of drugs, and usually rightfully so. But in this case, the fault clearly lies with the pharmacies themselves.
For example if you had to buy a prescription drug, and bought the name brand, you might pay $100 for 100 pills. The pharmacist might tell you that if you get the generic equivalent, they would only cost $80, making you think you are saving $20. What the pharmacist is not telling you is that those 100 generic pills may have only cost him $10!

At the end of the report, one of the anchors asked Mr. Wilson whether or not there were any pharmacies that did not adhere to this practice, and he said that Costco consistently charged little over their cost for the generic drugs.

I went to the Costco site, where you can look up any drug, and get its online price. It says that the in-store prices are consistent with the online prices. I was appalled. Just to give you one example from my own experience I had to use the drug Compazine which helps prevent nausea in chemo patients.

I used the generic equivalent, which cost $54.99 for 60 pills at CVS. I checked the price at Costco, and I could have bought 100 pills for $19.89. For 145 of my pain pills, I paid $72.57. I could have got 150 at Costco for $28.08.

I would like to mention, that although Costco is a “membership” type store, you do NOT have to be a member to buy prescriptions there as it is a federally regulated substance. You just tell them at the door that you wish to use the pharmacy, and they will let you in.

Sharon L. Davis
Budget Analyst
U.S. Department of Commerce
Room 6839
Office Ph: 202-482-4458
Office Fax: 202-482-5480


So.... I agree with this wholeheartedly. I can tell ya from personal experiece, cuz, like, a few years ago when it became necessary fer me to havta start takin certain drugs on a regular basis, after shoppin around a bit, I found Costco to be far and away cheaper than any one else. They were one-half and sometimes one-third of what other pharmacies charged!

OK, so.... while I do this, strictly outta a sense of duty, th next time ya cop at Costco, savin yerself big-time bucks, if ya should feel compelled outta a sense of obligation and gratitude; I wouldnt be insulted if ya should, like, send me a ''finders fee''. Y'know, a small token of thanks. And I'm sure it would make ya feel better bout yerself too!! And if ya got any amigos doin legal drugs, maybe ya oughta hip em to it also. There's savins to be had at Costco.

th cap'm

Subject: An Endangered Species, Th Last Of It's Kind Let's Hope!
Friday, April 3, 2009 6:59 PM

Ya'know, in yer saloons ya can meet some reely fucked up peoples sometimes. There's somethin bout those joints that brings out th goofiness in peoples. Might it be th booze?!

Like, last nite I ,encountered this being and in th course of our conversation he told me that he felt George Bush was our greatest American President of all time. Upon hearin that, I sputtered my beer all over th bar in a totally spontaneous, visceral reaction.

It is simply beyond my comprehension how any sane person could say anything so blatantly outrageous and stupid!! I can't help but wonder how such a mind works that one ever come to such a ridiculous conclusion? Had he said that th 2008 KC Royals were th best baseball team to ever play th game, I would have jus written that off to th fanatical zeal of a mindless, die-hard sports fan; we don't expect a whole lotta reason or rationale there....but... Duke, this was too much fer me to handle! I tried to explain a few things to im, like, sheeit, even Bush's own party hacks, th same guys who used to be his cheer-leaders, try and keep as much distance from him as they can. They're not too interested in clingin to his coat-tails, are they? Not if they wanna get re-elected again, that is. Now assholes like Dick Cheney tho, can keep runnin their mouths, cuz fortunately, he won't ever hold public office again! Hallelujah!

After all, this is a clown who became President in th most contentious Presidential election ever held, and was elected in effect, after weeks of confusion, by one fuckin vote! And that one vote would be in th 5/4 Supreme Court decision that gave him th Presidency. Th stooges put in there by th elder Bush handed him th Presidency, even tho Al Gore had half a million more popular votes. If ya ever had any doubts as to th significance of yer single vote, review what happened in that election where th votes of a half million peoples were wiped out by th vote of ONE sycophantic pawn. That one vote, makin five, determined that election.

Then, during his Presidency, Terrorists managed to hi-jack, not jus one plane, but four of em simultaneously, and in th process destroyed two of th largest buildings in th world, killing over three thousand peoples; flew another one into th most important military site in th world, and crashed yet another one with all passengers aboard in a field. Every time I hear some fucking idiot talk about how Bush kept us Safe, I jus wanna puke! What??? That one little incident didn't count??? Talk about havin one's head up their ass!! How far does it have to be to completely ignore th worst disaster in American history and in th next breath, tell us how safe he kept us??

So what did Georgie do about it? Well he took us into two wars, boh of which we are still bogged down in, with our troops dying daily. While I agree completely with th invasion of Afghanistan and have no qualms over th justification of it, we have known for a number of years now bout th completely phony and baseless reasons for invading Iraq. All complete booshit!! And in th process of invadin Iraq, Bush took his eye off th ball, lost focus, and dis-regarded his primary, number one objective; th capture of Bin Laden and his cohorts. (Hitler made th same mistake in 1941, when instead off finishin off th Brits when he had th chance, he invaded Russia, prematurely it seems, eh)

Now today, eight years later, as a result of th utter Bush stupidity in allowin Bin Laden to escape, who as I noted, was our Number One, Highest Priority, but instead we went off into Iraq. And now, as result of his of his short-sightedness/stupidity, Afghanistan is more dangerous than ever. After eight years of neglect, because we were so busy in Iraq,

Obama has inherited this mess and is havin to pump more men and resources there. After eight fuckin years of Bush ncompetence!

And in th Bush Administration's futile efforts to bring th terrorists to justice, we began authorizin torture and other barbaric acts, actions which under international law constitute war crimes. These are actions that no other American President had ever done before, in effect actin jus like those we were seeking, all wrapped up in th cloak of Freedom!

Mebbe ya recall, at th end of WWII, we prosecuted, convicted and executed some Japanese Generals fer War Crimes, i.e. waterboarding fr'instance.

Then there was th Bush Administration's denial of global warming and refusal to sign th Kyoto Protocols, in spite of a mountain of evidence that global warming is real. They reminded me of th Tobacco CEO's who fer years, sat before Congressional Committees, and denied to a man, any connection between smoking and health hazards.

And then, of course, when Geo. Bush came into office he was left with a 500 billion dollar surplus from th Clinton years, and in th course of only eight years of economic policies, based on th greed and avarice of his cronies, unfettered by any silly regulations, left th new incoming Presidency a country so far in debt as to put, not only th US, but th entire world on th brink of a Global Depression.

This is th same great President, who in spite of his constant calls to ''support th troops'', strangled th Veteran's Administration, slashin their funds and benefits.

Th President who took th Justice Department and winnowed out all those who they didn't like, and turned it into a big, Republican political posse. That was their main criteria in hirin peoples; NON-REPUBLICANS NEED NOT APPLY! And then there was th purge to fire all those deadbeats who weren't on th Republican Express. They turned th, what is supposed to be a politically unbiased Justice Dept. and turned it into jus another arm of th Bush Monarchy.

This is th same guy who decided it was OK to monitor th telephone, and e-mail communications of everyone in th whole country, without havin to bother with any pesky warrants. All in th name of Freedom and Democracy. Th double-speak comin straight outta ''1984".

And then there's.......... oh hell, one could go on ad finitum, ad nauseaum. Eight long, awful years livin thru th Bush Disaster. And this is th greatest President we've ever had???? Mutherfucker!! OK, let th projectile vomiting begin!

th cap'm

P.S. But, hey, y'know what, as bad as Bush was, when ya stack him up against Dick Cheney, well sheeit, he was jus bush league in comparison. Right now, Cheney seems to be on a crusade to let peoples know, he deserves a lotta th credit too! Even most! Dick Cheney is a Megalomaniac in th truest sense of th word. A truly Evil piece of work!

Subject: Smoking. Another Point Of View
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 7:27 PM

My good buddy, NorthEast Ernie wrote me.


''I admit I am one of those pussies. Well I don't rag on it but there is nothing worse than the smell clinging to a smoker when they come back inside. It is the stale smell, which is vile and disgusting.

Couple of bars I frequent had smoke eaters which took the smell out of the air. You would have a little smell on your clothes but you never noticed the smell inside the bar.
My grandmother could not stand the smell of cigarettes but she loved the smell of a cigar.
It seems the young smokers tend to use the cigarette as a prop, just hold on to the damn thing and let it burn. One, two puffs and that's it. My gal has asthma and cigarette smoke is a killer for her. But she was trooper and sat in some bars where the smoke hung like fog over the moors of Scotland.

I hardly ever noticed the smell of smoke in my youth but now I'm like some goddamn truffle-sniffin' hog LOL

The Askew Inn still allows smoking, has no ventilation (vents are probably coated with tar and nicotine LOL) and my clothes stink bad when I come home. Lots of cigar smokers there.

What always got my ire up was some smoker blowing the smoke my way because they didn't want to bother people at their table. It was always some young punk trying to impress a gal who was only there till the money ran out. Dickwad never, ever figured it out.

God damn it Charlie, now you've got me ranting and raving. LOL''


I replied thusly.

''Ha ha Ernie, It's good to rant and rave occasionally. I do it all th time. Have ya ever noticed? Gets th ol blood pumpin and thas always good, huh!!

I guess, havin been hangin out in dark, smoky saloons fer th past 50 years, I've developed a tolerance, nay, even an affinity fer th smoke, cuz even tho I don't smoke any more these past several years, it just doesn't bother me.

But, to each his own, eh? But, what always confuses th shit outta me tho is, why th anti-smokers insist on perpetrating their views on every one else? Why can't this decision be left to th bar owner fr'instance? After all, he/she has his/her very own money, not public funds mind ya, invested in their own business venture. Why in th fuck can't they decide what kinda clientele they wanna to cater to? Why do we need a law or ordinace of some kind to determine that?

And if said owner decides they're goin to operate a ''No Smoking'' joint; then fine; smokers beware, STAY TH FUCK OUT!! And vice versa! That ought to be th owners right to choose, as long as he/she makes it obvious what th particular rules are regardin that concern!

So, like, on th other hand, if a person wants to operate a ''Smoking Allowed'' place, and if you are a person who is offended by that, th solution is jus so fuckin simple, it hardly needs repeating. STAY TH FUCK OUT!! If ya do, ya will avoid all kinda problems. Like, if ya don't go into that joint, ya won't be assaulted by vile and disgusting odors or have yer health impaired by second-hand smoke! Ya can pat yerself on th back fer bein so health conscious, and go and swill yer booze in a more healthy environment. And we all know how healthy goodly amounts of booze are fer ya, don't we! Oh yeah, a lotta times one of yer fellow health conscious boozers, who also find th smell of smoke ''vile and disgusting'', will puke their pizza filled guts out all over yer clothes and on yer shoes, but at least ya won't havta deal with any awful smoke odors, eh! Nothin sez, ''I had a good time.'' like goin home reekin of puke!

Furthermore, if ya don't wanna work in that kinda environment, DON'T APPLY FER A JOB THERE!! Put yer health first, and wait fer an opening in a non-smoking joint, or, find some other line of employment!! Hard choices to be sure, but it's up to th individual to decide, not some fuckin govt. agency.

But Noooo, fer Zealots like I'm talkin about, thas not good enuff. They insist that Everybody conform to Their World View! If they had their way, they wouldn't allow Any Body to smoke Any Where or Any Time!! If they had their way, they would make it illegal, a crime, fer you to do so, and incarcerate yer ass fer doin it. All fer yer Own Good of course!

Sorry Ernie, yerself excluded, I still say, ''Fuck em!''

th cap'm

Subject: Ooops. Th Cap'm Goes Off!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 3:41 PM

In th ''letters to the editor'' page of Monday's Star, this clown wrote about how when he's sitting in a bar, sometimes he can smell th smoke after smokers (who have had to leave th bar to go outside to indulge) come back inside. I mean, get this, this fucker is sitting in a fucking bar, y'dig! If ya've ever been in a bar before, ya know how mos bars
smell, right?! They usually reek of stale beer. It's kinda to be expected considerin th circumstances, eh.

But this highly sensitive asshole is complainin that he can smell th smoke thas drifted in th joint after some one has been outside. Sheeit. Go back and play in yer sandbox ya pussy-assed-mutherfucker! Ya ain't got no bidness drinkin with adults! He wuz prolly complainin to th bartender his daiquiri didn't have enuff sugar in it too, y'know what I mean!

Here's one! Non-smokers often times use th expression,''vile and disgusting'' when they're talkin about smoking. Sheeit, gimme a break, huh! These are a few definitions of those words--''wretched, depraved, loathsome, profound repugnance or aversion'', OK? Now granted th smell of burnin tobacco may not be perfume to yer senses, and th fact that some one is inhalin that smoke may not be yer cup o' tea, but isn't, ''vile and disgusting'' pretty much grand hyperbole. Much ado about nothin! An exaggeration to th point of bein meaningless! A bunch of cry-baby whinin!

And that cliche bout smellin like an ashtray. See, they're tryin to shame th smokers, y'know, like,

''Ohmigod! I'm not gonna boink him/her, cuz they smell like an ashtray."

Sheeit! I'll tell ya; some of th shit I smell some gurlz or guyz are wearin when they walk by; I'll take th ashtray!

Th problem is, that so many of these ''offended'' peoples themselves nurture obsessions/addictions of their own. They might require 30 cups of coffee a day, or drink 8-10 cokes a day, or eat like pigs and be grossly obese, or take 5 prozacs a day, or...a million other things...but they find smoking, ''vile and disgusting''? C'mon, hows bout a little perspective here, huh?

Th ones who reely piss me off th mos tho are th boozers like this sanctimonious, holier-than-thou fuck-nut who are oblivious to th fact that there are god-fearin Christian Baptist out there who find his beer drinkin, ''vile and disgustin'' along with his watchin of movies and dancin too!

Personally, I've never understood th mentality of th do-gooders amongst us who feel they have some kinda duty to tell th rest of us how to live and conduct ourselves properly?

Well, 'properly' at least th way they determine whas proper or not. Why in th fuck-all do they care? I mean, jus who in th fuck nominated them as Guardians of Morality anyway? I say to em,

''Eat shit! Fuck off! And die! And leave me th fuck alone!!''

So, after readin that punks whinin, I felt compelled....compelled...(I'm a Crusader in my own right, y'see) to save whas left of our Freedoms and wrote th followin letter to th Star.



Keep in mind, I'm a non-smoker, but sometimes I get really amused/annoyed at the over-the-top, sanctimonious outrage some non-smokers like John Hall express. John complains that when he's sitting in a saloon drinking his booze (with it's ever so lovely aroma) that sometimes when the door opens, he can smell the smoke drift in from the smokers who just stepped outside. He also mentions they smell like ash trays, which is a common, over-used cliche of his ilk, whereas you see, he only smells like a glass of stale beer! Oh, the burdens people like John must bear! The Horror! The Horror!

Folks of his persuasion always use the terms, ''vile and disgusting'' to characterize the smoker's habit, even as they are gobbling food down like pigs at a trough or simply indulging in the graceful and elegant practice of imbibing alcohol turning themselves into piles of blubbering mush, or whatever their own personal habits might be? Get a grip! Everything considered, their collective outrage and protestations ring pretty hollow to me.

A pretty reasonable and measured response, don'cha think?

th cap'm

Subject: Lookin Fer Some Enlightenment?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 4:09 PM

OK, a friend who is of a more spiritual bent then myself sent this to me. So, I'm passin it on to youse so that maybe it will help ya get thru th days of yer lives a bit more easily.


Need a spiritual/emotional/psychological "lift"?

I've seen these "45" life lessons before (recently expanded to "50"), Have a great day! (Read and absorb these, and I bet it WILL be!)

Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on
by Regina Brett

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. (yeah, sez who?)
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. (course, takin small steps like that, ya ain't ever gonna get anywhere!)
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (hey! I got lotsa time!)
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. (yeah, thas why I say, ''fuck em!'')
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. ( i ain't got no steenkeeng credit cards ese!)
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. (but what if I'm right very fuckin time?)
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. (fuck that crybaby shit)
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (oh yeah, then how come he sends ya to hell fer Eternity jus cuz ya missed Mass last Sunday?)
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (whas a paycheck?)
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (same thing with crack!)
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (my main problema is with th Future)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. (nah, no, no, mama don't let yer babies grow up to be cry babies!)
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. (they shoulda got a guide book)
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. (ya_wanna explain that?)
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (so... that means nothin ever changes?)
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. (get busy dying? what th fuck does that mean?)
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. (yeah i can dig it but I needs to get out every now and then?)
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. (what if ya wanna be an asshole?)
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. (no more mud pies this time, thank ya very much!)
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. (how about, ''mebbe''?)
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. (look, if you wanna wear fancy lingerie, go ahead; i'll pass ok!)
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow. (yeah, and remember; even turds go with th flow)
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. (sheeit, I've always worn purple! so, whas wrong with that?)
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. (speak fer yerself, cuz I beg to differ with ya!)
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. (nah, no way! This has gotta be some one else's fault)
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" (fuck yeah!)
27. Always choose life. (oooh, thas heavy! now die mutherfucker, die!)
28. Forgive everyone everything. (are you shittin me? fuck you, i don't forget or forgive. hang on to yer grudges)
29. What other people think of you is none of your business. (MYOB!)
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. (''time is but an allusion; albeit a persistent one.'' a. einstein)
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. (in other words, when things change, it's different?)
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. (my friends brought me blankets laced with smallpox)
33. Believe in miracles. (haha thas a good one)
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. (isn't that a bit conceited?)
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. (fuck g. santayana. another one of those trite old sayings that don't mean sheeit)
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young. (i dunno cuz th most common advice i've ever gotten from old peoples; ''don't ever grow old!!")
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. (make sure they're on yer visiting list, and see if they can't sneak in some ''goodies'' fer daddy)
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. (thanks, I'll jus take bukowski instead)
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. (if these miracles are everywhere, then what makes em special?)
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. (if we all threw our problems in a pile, and shared em, would that be some kinda socialism?)
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. (maûana is good enuff fer me)
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. (how bout we get rid of you!!)
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you are loved. (pleeze, no more small pox blankets)
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. (no reely. cuz i'm jealous of everythin ya got!)
45. The best is yet to come. (another meaningless trite expression)
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. (what about I rack out fer a few hours more? sheet, there's plenty time, right?)
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. (so does booze and dope)
48. If you don't ask, you don't get. (OK, gimme! gimme! gimme! How'zat?)
49. Yield. (hey fuck you. you yield asshoe!!!)
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. (sheeit, what kinda gift is that, that it ain't got no bow?)

I dunno. Like, I said, I'm not of a very spiritual bent, y'dig!

th Un-spiritual cap'm

P.S. 1957--After th original chairman, Humphrey Bogart dies, Frank Sinatra becomes Chairman of th Rat Pack. Members include Dean Martin, Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Shirley McLain and Sammy Davis, Jr. Sammy lost his eye in a car wreck in 1954. Just in case yer were wonderin?

Subject: Innovations In Th Smoker's World
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 2:43 PM

OK, ya'll, I stopped smokin tobacco jus about four and a half years ago. So, I'm not 'up' on th latest developments in th smoker's world. So this prolly isn't news to you peoples who are currently still smokin, but I was astonished to discover recently a cigarette made by th Camel folks. This is bizarre.

They have a cigarette now that if ya squeeze on th filter, ya then convert it into a menthol flavored cig. I'm wonderin jus who thought of that? Whoever it was, he oughta get a gold star put next to his name. Y'know, some dude who works fer Camel was sittin around a bar one night and thought to hisself,

''I'd kinda like a menthol cigarette right now fer a change, but I don't wanna buy a whole pack. Hmmm, wouldn't it be cool if some how you could convert a regular cigarette into a menthol flavored one!?''

So, th next day he goes to work and tells some one bout his idea, and they say,

''Yeah, that would be cool, y'know, switchin to menthol and all, but how could we do that?"

So, they tell some one in Research and Development bout it, and they find a way to put a small menthol flavored bead in th filter, so that if ya squeeze and break it, it then gives th cigarette a menthol flavor. Cool huh! So, why couldn't they do that with other flavors too?

A person could buy a deck of squares, and there could be five different flavored smokes there, if they chose to squeeze th filter, with each flavor havin a different colored paper, y'know, like, a pale green fer th menthol, or a rose color fer th strawberry or yellow fer th lemon flavor, y'know, like that.

Sheeit ese, if they could make a cigarette that tastes like marijuana, I'd take up smokin again my own damn bad self.!! Oh wait, never mind, fuggedaboutit, I forgot, cuz I already got some smokes that tastes like that. Ha ha

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, Panama is th only place where ya can get up and see th sun rise over th Atlantic, and then, later on in th evening, watch it set on th Pacific. Oh sure, I know, ya could get up in NYC and watch th sunrise, and then get you on a jet aeroplane and fly to th west coast and watch it set there, BUT, that would be cheatin! And we're Americans boyz n gurlz. We don't do that! Aw'right, so ferget that stunt!!!

Subject: Moderation In All Things
Friday, March 27, 2009 4:54 PM

This is a good philosophy to live by. I always try to abide by that. Of course, it wasn't always so; when we were younger, we didn't care bout no steenkeeng moderation; it was full-tilt-boogie, no holds barred, balls-to-th-wall, non stop, fuck it, who gives a shit, bring it on! Y'know!? But, as we get older we mature, plus already havin tempted Fate so many times in our reckless youth, with not a helluva lot we haven't already done, we tone down our act a bit and try and act our age. Ya know what I mean, don'cha?!

But, I'm afraid last nite, Moderation took a hike; my train of common sense abandoned me leavin me stranded there at th station. Ya could say I went one-toke-over-th-line.... or rather, make that several tokes. I shoulda known better, well actually I do know better from past experience, but I fucked up and threw caution to th wind. Th result was, not surprisingly; I was reduced to a mass of jelly, ruled by a mind of mush. Everything was whirlin and swirlin and spinnin around. I couldn't focus on anything.

My only goal was to keep breathin, thas all....and it took a considerable effort jus to do that. I couldn't hardly keep th air flow pumpin. I was deathly afraid of blackin out and then wakin, unable to breathe, not knowin where I was or what I was doin, so I had to just concentrate on maintainin consciousness and yet keep breathin at th same time. It was quite a struggle Duke! And wasn't no fun at all!! It took several hours before I could maintain my perpendicularity, unaided by walls or tables to lean on.

I recall at one time launchin myself outta a booth, targetin a doorway a few feet away. Well, I was fairly close, but took a small detour and wound up in another booth instead, where I re-grouped fer a few minutes, before my next attempt.

Somehow, I eventually made it back to th crib around 5ish this morn, had a bowl of cereal, haha, and racked out. It's nights like that that cause us to say, ''Never again!'', even tho as we say it, we know we don't reely mean it. But tonite tho, I'm gonna be more circumspect and try and set a better example fer th young folks cuz, y'know, like I always tell em;

"Moderation dudes. Moderation!"

th cap'm

Subject: Cereal Redux
Thursday, March 26, 2009 4:30 PM

Mayhaps ya recall, about three weeks ago, when I hipped ya to my new hobby; eatin cereal. Well, shortly thereafter I received this bit of advice from my good buddy, th Herr Doktor Cruptster. He lives out there in th Great North West in th woods in a trailer down by th river, where he practices his craft. Peoples trek from far and wide see him there where he works his Magick.

He uses certain ancient, yet highly effective techniques that have largely been lost to modern medicine. It's surprising how many peoples never realized th pleasant aroma some bat dust sprinkled in th fire makes and it's soothin and relaxin effects. And of course, th throbbin of th drums and th rhythmic janglin of th rattles enhances th experience. My own doctor, who I told ya about years ago, who lives down there in th Amazon basin, right next door so to speak, to th Yanomani, uses some of th same techniques.

Well, anyway, he sent me th below which, bein a rookie and all, I found to be very helpful and informative.



Welcome to the wonderful world of cereal. I would like to make some suggestions for you as I am somewhat of a cereal expert. First, now that you are beginning your new hobby, remember that variety is the spice of life. Look for the kids packs or multi packs with multiple varieties of cereals to get your hobby going.

You don't get as much cereal for your money but you do get a good sampling of what is out there. That way you have a better direction to move forward from. Some people love sugary cereal that is pre flavored. Some people are self sugarers. Some people like crispy cereal and some like soggy. Personally, as a connoisseur I like nearly every variety for their own attributes, but this kind of appreciation often takes time.

For instance, if you like your cereal to stay crisp, a good place to start is with mini wheats. If you are a self sugarer (as it sounds like your are) regular mini wheats will do. After the application of milk, the mini wheats can be sugared to taste. I like to apply milk first as it helps the sugar adhere to the surface of each cereal piece. Mini wheats are kind of like a triscuit cracker made into a cereal version. They stay pretty crispy throughout the dining experience. If you are not a self sugarer than mini wheats makes a lazy mans version called frosted mini wheats in which one side of each mini wheat is individually pre sugared. Genius but overkill for the thrifty self sugarer.

Some other great cereals for the self sugarer are cheerios, wheaties, corn flakes and grapenuts. All of these cereals start crispy and by the end of the bowl are a bit more mushy. For my day to day cereal pleasure these seem to be my standard. Cheerios, wheaties and corn flakes also make sugared versions for the lazy consumer.

You seem to have made a quick leap into the granola category, perhaps from some lingering hippiness in your past, and that is fine. Granolas do a great job of adding lots of extras, like fruit and nuts and can usually tolerate a good sugaring as well. The final category and perhaps the most extravagant is the sugary kids cereal. Man, let me tell you, this is a great place for exploration. I typically reserve the sugary kids cereal for the late night, post bar celebratory cereal, and it is like a desert feast.

There is simply too much to cover in this category because it can go from fruity to chocolaty to honey coated. But this is a great place for the mixed pack to offer some variety.

In this category some of my favorites are fruity pebbles, honey combs, corn pops and lucky charms. These cereal will NOT require any additional sugar. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any more questions.


ps. I do not work for the cereal industry nor do I mention any of the owning corporations of the types of cereals I like because I am not a corporate whore.

pps. The above email may be seriously harmful to your health and should not be considered my medical advice in any way.

Dr. Michael Crupper
Gift of Life Clinic
"Giving the Gift of a Healthy Life"
4259 NE Broadway
Portland, OR 97213
(503) 235-2259


And it jus so happened, that last nite upon enterin th saloon, there he was, th Doktor hisself, in from th wilds of th Great North West, in town fer a clan member's weddin.

After th customary greetings and salutations, naturally th conversation turned to Cereal. But, of course. At one point, Th Doktor, extollin th virtues, suggested I try some Chocolate Puffs.

So, earlier this afternoon, I trucked on down to th supermarket, copped a box, and jus finished a pleasant and tasty bowl a few minutes ago.

Thankz, Herr Doktor, fer th tip. It was right-on!

So aw'right, boyz n gurlz, if ya find yerself out in th woods some time out there in th Great North West and needin some medical attention, or mebbe ya jus needs some advice on yer cereal intake, stop by th Doktor's trailer. Tell im th Cap'm sent ya, and get an extra dose of bat dust fer free.

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, I'm findin this new cereal hobby a lot more satisfying on several levels than my former hobby collectin sesame seeds.

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