joe dreck
March, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, wonders if he took up
smoking again it would keep away the stupid people?

Subject: Lookin Fer Some Enlightenment?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 4:09 PM

OK, a friend who is of a more spiritual bent then myself sent this to me. So, I'm passin it on to youse so that maybe it will help ya get thru th days of yer lives a bit more easily.


Need a spiritual/emotional/psychological "lift"?

I've seen these "45" life lessons before (recently expanded to "50"), Have a great day! (Read and absorb these, and I bet it WILL be!)

Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on
by Regina Brett

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. (yeah, sez who?)
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. (course, takin small steps like that, ya ain't ever gonna get anywhere!)
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (hey! I got lotsa time!)
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. (yeah, thas why I say, ''fuck em!'')
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. ( i ain't got no steenkeeng credit cards ese!)
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. (but what if I'm right very fuckin time?)
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. (fuck that crybaby shit)
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (oh yeah, then how come he sends ya to hell fer Eternity jus cuz ya missed Mass last Sunday?)
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (whas a paycheck?)
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (same thing with crack!)
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (my main problema is with th Future)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. (nah, no, no, mama don't let yer babies grow up to be cry babies!)
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. (they shoulda got a guide book)
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. (ya_wanna explain that?)
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (so... that means nothin ever changes?)
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. (get busy dying? what th fuck does that mean?)
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. (yeah i can dig it but I needs to get out every now and then?)
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. (what if ya wanna be an asshole?)
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. (no more mud pies this time, thank ya very much!)
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. (how about, ''mebbe''?)
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. (look, if you wanna wear fancy lingerie, go ahead; i'll pass ok!)
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow. (yeah, and remember; even turds go with th flow)
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. (sheeit, I've always worn purple! so, whas wrong with that?)
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. (speak fer yerself, cuz I beg to differ with ya!)
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. (nah, no way! This has gotta be some one else's fault)
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" (fuck yeah!)
27. Always choose life. (oooh, thas heavy! now die mutherfucker, die!)
28. Forgive everyone everything. (are you shittin me? fuck you, i don't forget or forgive. hang on to yer grudges)
29. What other people think of you is none of your business. (MYOB!)
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. (''time is but an allusion; albeit a persistent one.'' a. einstein)
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. (in other words, when things change, it's different?)
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. (my friends brought me blankets laced with smallpox)
33. Believe in miracles. (haha thas a good one)
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. (isn't that a bit conceited?)
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. (fuck g. santayana. another one of those trite old sayings that don't mean sheeit)
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young. (i dunno cuz th most common advice i've ever gotten from old peoples; ''don't ever grow old!!")
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. (make sure they're on yer visiting list, and see if they can't sneak in some ''goodies'' fer daddy)
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. (thanks, I'll jus take bukowski instead)
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. (if these miracles are everywhere, then what makes em special?)
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. (if we all threw our problems in a pile, and shared em, would that be some kinda socialism?)
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. (maûana is good enuff fer me)
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. (how bout we get rid of you!!)
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you are loved. (pleeze, no more small pox blankets)
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. (no reely. cuz i'm jealous of everythin ya got!)
45. The best is yet to come. (another meaningless trite expression)
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. (what about I rack out fer a few hours more? sheet, there's plenty time, right?)
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. (so does booze and dope)
48. If you don't ask, you don't get. (OK, gimme! gimme! gimme! How'zat?)
49. Yield. (hey fuck you. you yield asshoe!!!)
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. (sheeit, what kinda gift is that, that it ain't got no bow?)

I dunno. Like, I said, I'm not of a very spiritual bent, y'dig!

th Un-spiritual cap'm

P.S. 1957--After th original chairman, Humphrey Bogart dies, Frank Sinatra becomes Chairman of th Rat Pack. Members include Dean Martin, Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Shirley McLain and Sammy Davis, Jr. Sammy lost his eye in a car wreck in 1954. Just in case yer were wonderin?

Subject: Innovations In Th Smoker's World
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 2:43 PM

OK, ya'll, I stopped smokin tobacco jus about four and a half years ago. So, I'm not 'up' on th latest developments in th smoker's world. So this prolly isn't news to you peoples who are currently still smokin, but I was astonished to discover recently a cigarette made by th Camel folks. This is bizarre.

They have a cigarette now that if ya squeeze on th filter, ya then convert it into a menthol flavored cig. I'm wonderin jus who thought of that? Whoever it was, he oughta get a gold star put next to his name. Y'know, some dude who works fer Camel was sittin around a bar one night and thought to hisself,

''I'd kinda like a menthol cigarette right now fer a change, but I don't wanna buy a whole pack. Hmmm, wouldn't it be cool if some how you could convert a regular cigarette into a menthol flavored one!?''

So, th next day he goes to work and tells some one bout his idea, and they say,

''Yeah, that would be cool, y'know, switchin to menthol and all, but how could we do that?"

So, they tell some one in Research and Development bout it, and they find a way to put a small menthol flavored bead in th filter, so that if ya squeeze and break it, it then gives th cigarette a menthol flavor. Cool huh! So, why couldn't they do that with other flavors too?

A person could buy a deck of squares, and there could be five different flavored smokes there, if they chose to squeeze th filter, with each flavor havin a different colored paper, y'know, like, a pale green fer th menthol, or a rose color fer th strawberry or yellow fer th lemon flavor, y'know, like that.

Sheeit ese, if they could make a cigarette that tastes like marijuana, I'd take up smokin again my own damn bad self.!! Oh wait, never mind, fuggedaboutit, I forgot, cuz I already got some smokes that tastes like that. Ha ha

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, Panama is th only place where ya can get up and see th sun rise over th Atlantic, and then, later on in th evening, watch it set on th Pacific. Oh sure, I know, ya could get up in NYC and watch th sunrise, and then get you on a jet aeroplane and fly to th west coast and watch it set there, BUT, that would be cheatin! And we're Americans boyz n gurlz. We don't do that! Aw'right, so ferget that stunt!!!

Subject: Moderation In All Things
Friday, March 27, 2009 4:54 PM

This is a good philosophy to live by. I always try to abide by that. Of course, it wasn't always so; when we were younger, we didn't care bout no steenkeeng moderation; it was full-tilt-boogie, no holds barred, balls-to-th-wall, non stop, fuck it, who gives a shit, bring it on! Y'know!? But, as we get older we mature, plus already havin tempted Fate so many times in our reckless youth, with not a helluva lot we haven't already done, we tone down our act a bit and try and act our age. Ya know what I mean, don'cha?!

But, I'm afraid last nite, Moderation took a hike; my train of common sense abandoned me leavin me stranded there at th station. Ya could say I went one-toke-over-th-line.... or rather, make that several tokes. I shoulda known better, well actually I do know better from past experience, but I fucked up and threw caution to th wind. Th result was, not surprisingly; I was reduced to a mass of jelly, ruled by a mind of mush. Everything was whirlin and swirlin and spinnin around. I couldn't focus on anything.

My only goal was to keep breathin, thas all....and it took a considerable effort jus to do that. I couldn't hardly keep th air flow pumpin. I was deathly afraid of blackin out and then wakin, unable to breathe, not knowin where I was or what I was doin, so I had to just concentrate on maintainin consciousness and yet keep breathin at th same time. It was quite a struggle Duke! And wasn't no fun at all!! It took several hours before I could maintain my perpendicularity, unaided by walls or tables to lean on.

I recall at one time launchin myself outta a booth, targetin a doorway a few feet away. Well, I was fairly close, but took a small detour and wound up in another booth instead, where I re-grouped fer a few minutes, before my next attempt.

Somehow, I eventually made it back to th crib around 5ish this morn, had a bowl of cereal, haha, and racked out. It's nights like that that cause us to say, ''Never again!'', even tho as we say it, we know we don't reely mean it. But tonite tho, I'm gonna be more circumspect and try and set a better example fer th young folks cuz, y'know, like I always tell em;

"Moderation dudes. Moderation!"

th cap'm

Subject: Cereal Redux
Thursday, March 26, 2009 4:30 PM

Mayhaps ya recall, about three weeks ago, when I hipped ya to my new hobby; eatin cereal. Well, shortly thereafter I received this bit of advice from my good buddy, th Herr Doktor Cruptster. He lives out there in th Great North West in th woods in a trailer down by th river, where he practices his craft. Peoples trek from far and wide see him there where he works his Magick.

He uses certain ancient, yet highly effective techniques that have largely been lost to modern medicine. It's surprising how many peoples never realized th pleasant aroma some bat dust sprinkled in th fire makes and it's soothin and relaxin effects. And of course, th throbbin of th drums and th rhythmic janglin of th rattles enhances th experience. My own doctor, who I told ya about years ago, who lives down there in th Amazon basin, right next door so to speak, to th Yanomani, uses some of th same techniques.

Well, anyway, he sent me th below which, bein a rookie and all, I found to be very helpful and informative.



Welcome to the wonderful world of cereal. I would like to make some suggestions for you as I am somewhat of a cereal expert. First, now that you are beginning your new hobby, remember that variety is the spice of life. Look for the kids packs or multi packs with multiple varieties of cereals to get your hobby going.

You don't get as much cereal for your money but you do get a good sampling of what is out there. That way you have a better direction to move forward from. Some people love sugary cereal that is pre flavored. Some people are self sugarers. Some people like crispy cereal and some like soggy. Personally, as a connoisseur I like nearly every variety for their own attributes, but this kind of appreciation often takes time.

For instance, if you like your cereal to stay crisp, a good place to start is with mini wheats. If you are a self sugarer (as it sounds like your are) regular mini wheats will do. After the application of milk, the mini wheats can be sugared to taste. I like to apply milk first as it helps the sugar adhere to the surface of each cereal piece. Mini wheats are kind of like a triscuit cracker made into a cereal version. They stay pretty crispy throughout the dining experience. If you are not a self sugarer than mini wheats makes a lazy mans version called frosted mini wheats in which one side of each mini wheat is individually pre sugared. Genius but overkill for the thrifty self sugarer.

Some other great cereals for the self sugarer are cheerios, wheaties, corn flakes and grapenuts. All of these cereals start crispy and by the end of the bowl are a bit more mushy. For my day to day cereal pleasure these seem to be my standard. Cheerios, wheaties and corn flakes also make sugared versions for the lazy consumer.

You seem to have made a quick leap into the granola category, perhaps from some lingering hippiness in your past, and that is fine. Granolas do a great job of adding lots of extras, like fruit and nuts and can usually tolerate a good sugaring as well. The final category and perhaps the most extravagant is the sugary kids cereal. Man, let me tell you, this is a great place for exploration. I typically reserve the sugary kids cereal for the late night, post bar celebratory cereal, and it is like a desert feast.

There is simply too much to cover in this category because it can go from fruity to chocolaty to honey coated. But this is a great place for the mixed pack to offer some variety.

In this category some of my favorites are fruity pebbles, honey combs, corn pops and lucky charms. These cereal will NOT require any additional sugar. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any more questions.


ps. I do not work for the cereal industry nor do I mention any of the owning corporations of the types of cereals I like because I am not a corporate whore.

pps. The above email may be seriously harmful to your health and should not be considered my medical advice in any way.

Dr. Michael Crupper
Gift of Life Clinic
"Giving the Gift of a Healthy Life"
4259 NE Broadway
Portland, OR 97213
(503) 235-2259


And it jus so happened, that last nite upon enterin th saloon, there he was, th Doktor hisself, in from th wilds of th Great North West, in town fer a clan member's weddin.

After th customary greetings and salutations, naturally th conversation turned to Cereal. But, of course. At one point, Th Doktor, extollin th virtues, suggested I try some Chocolate Puffs.

So, earlier this afternoon, I trucked on down to th supermarket, copped a box, and jus finished a pleasant and tasty bowl a few minutes ago.

Thankz, Herr Doktor, fer th tip. It was right-on!

So aw'right, boyz n gurlz, if ya find yerself out in th woods some time out there in th Great North West and needin some medical attention, or mebbe ya jus needs some advice on yer cereal intake, stop by th Doktor's trailer. Tell im th Cap'm sent ya, and get an extra dose of bat dust fer free.

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, I'm findin this new cereal hobby a lot more satisfying on several levels than my former hobby collectin sesame seeds.

Subject: Maintainin One's Sartorial Status
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 10:23 PM

OK, Summertime doth approacheth, eh? Well, sure, we got Spring first, but still, Summertime's not far away. So, this afternoon I went to replenish my summer wardrobe.

I went to Major Thrift Store at 47th & Mission Rd. Thas right there by Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. When buyin clothes; go there!! Ya can't beat it. Huge selections and th best prices in town. 99% of everything I doff comes from there.

So, like, I bought a white sport coat, (originally from Wolffe Bros.) a pair of Levis, a cotton pull-over turtleneck, and seven dress shirts (Vanhuesin, Arrow, etc.) fer, get this--- 27 steenkeeng dollars ese, includin tax! Fucking try and beat that anywhere!!

Sheeit! You can buy a shirt there cheaper than it cost ya to get one dry-cleaned! Nice shirts too! Fer 2-3 bucks a piece. I can buy 25 shirts there fer what one shirt cost at a department store! Peoples compliment me alla time cuz they say they never see me wearin th same shirt twice. Well, sheeit, thas kinda?true cuz, like, I have about a hundred shirts now; total costs fer all of em, mebbe 250 bucks. So if yer plannin on
coppin ya some clothes, go there and check em out sometime. Ya won't be disappointed.

Altho I can't reely vouch fer th ladies apparel, I'm assumin they be jus as cool too.
After I left there, I stopped down by yer Jack Henry's down there on yer Country Club Plaazah, don'cha know, lookin to mebbe find me a winter felt fedora on sale. But, Curses, they already did that gig a couple weeks ago. But anyway, check this out, th hat department is on th second floor, and sittin right next to it is a stunning, pristine white 1953 Rolls Royce, right hand drive and all. Absolutely beautiful fucking car! Th things gotta be worth more than a hundred large! I looked around to see how they got it in there, and th sales guy said it was put in when they first moved into th building and th elevator they used is gone now. In other words. it's there fer th duration. I mean, it makes fer a beautiful, classy display thas very apropos fer Jack Henry's, but man, at what cost?! Thas a lotta jack to have tied up in a display that can only be seen from inside th store, on th second floor, y'know what I mean!

One things fer sure; ain't nobody gonna steal it!!

th cap'm

Subject: How much Is Justice Worth?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 9:19 PM

I read this article in th paper recently about Nevada. I found th whole notion pretty bizarre and comically ironic. What's next?


''Lawmakers Propose Moratorium on Executions.

In these tough economic times, state lawmakers are looking at every way to cut costs. One idea is to put a two-year moratorium on executions while the costs of the death penalty are studied.''

Ya can access th whole article here.


Hey, looky here, since we're thinkin outside th box, I've got a swell idea how th State could save a few extra bucks. Like, how's bout saving th costs of burials of indigent peoples by jus haulin their carcasses and discardin em out at th city dump? Like, who's gonna know th difference since they ain't got nobody?! No burial plots, no coffins. No nothin. Jus th costs of a little gas and with th price of gas today; de nada!

Sheeit! Ya know Duke, tuff times call fer tuff measures!

th cap'm

Subject: A Brief Look At The OED
Friday, March 20, 2009 4:25 PM

Last year I read a book by a guy who had read th Encyclopedia Britannica in it's entirety. What a feat, huh! I like to browse thru encyclopedias at random myself, but th idea of reading one from A to Z boggles th mind.

Now I jus finished readin a book called Readin The OED by Ammon Shea. Now, again I enjoy browsin thru dictionaries too, but, get this; this guy read th entire fuckin OED in one year!! Thas some serious readin Duke! Unbelievable!! Now, readin th encyclopedia is one thing, but this is a whole different challenge here. Sheeit, not exactly easy readin!

Ok, ya'll; about th OED, it's big, aw'right. To say it's big is kinda like sayin th bubonic plague is unpleasant, y'know what I mean. Like, it's gargantuan. Check this out. Th most recent edition published in 1989, consists of 20 volumes, 21,730 pages, approx 59,000,000 words, and weighs in at 137 pounds. Many of th words in it haven't been in use fer hundreds of years. So, this assortment of mostly useless words here is strictly for th vocabularians amongst ya, and accordin to th OED; that would be peoples who pay too much attention to words.

On th other hand, there's stuff here fer us all cuz there's gotta be a few of em here that ya can sneak into a conversation someplace yerself and amaze yer friends. They'll be thinkin to themselves, "Gee whiz, where in th hail did Dick/Jane learn thet wurd? I wisht I knew stuff lak thet." And they will be happy jus to be in yer company.

Aw'right, so unless yer mind-numbingly bored or maybe yer a vocabularian, there's no reason to go any further here, but jus fer th hell of it, here's a few of em.

zyxt (v.)-- to see (scrabble players take notice, also the last word in the OED)

agelastic (n.)--a person who never laughs; grim (i think we all know someone like that)

anonymuncule (n.)--an anonymous, small time writer (hmmm, sound familiar?)

antapology (n.)-- a reply or response to an apology (myself, I find a simple, ''fuck you'' to do very nicely, cuz I don't forget or forgive)

antithalian (adj.)-- one who is opposed to fun or merriment (in other words, an asshole!)

apricity (adj.)-- the warmth of the sun in winter (ah yes, apricity)

atrate (n.)--one dressed in black (johnny cash, rush limbaugh, myself fr'instance. didn't know they had a word fer us)

avidulous (adj.)--somewhat greedy (not a lot, y'know, jus a little bit)

backfriend (n.)-- a fake friend, secret enemy, as in, night-worm, a treacerous companion (you know who you are)

balter (v.)--to dance clumsily (it's not my fault i have no sense of rhythm or co-ordination)

bayard (n.)--a person armed with the self confidence of ignorance (oh man, i run into those critters every night)

beatee (n.)--a person who has been beaten, as opposed to the beater (yeah, been there more than a few times)

bed-swerver (n.)-- an unfaithful spouse

compotation (n.)--an episode of drinking or carousing together (as in, raisin hell)

conjubilant (adj.) being jubilant or rejoicing with another (try st. patty's day fer a good example of this)

conspue (v.)--to spit on someone or something with contempt (what, as opposed to spitting on some one with affection?)

constult (v.)--to act stupidly together (who amongst us is not guilty of this? Ha ha)

countercozen (v)--to cheat in return (justifiable cheating, or, like, payback)

desiderium (n.)--a yearning, specifically for a thing one once had, but no more (I suffered this after losing my pool cue)

deteriorism (n.)--the attitude that things will usually get worse (in these days, plenty of that goin around)

discalceate (v.)--to take one's shoes off

dyspathy (n.)--the antithesis of sympathy (we have all had that that feeling before)

elozable (n.)--a person who is easily influenced by flattery

embusque (n.)--a person who avoids military service especially through securing a job in government or civil service (think dick cheney)

fedity (n., pl.)--vile or repulsive practices (once again, you know who you are)

gaum (v.)--to stare vapidly (gauming is behavior of mouth breathers and simpletons)

gove (v.)--to stare stupidly (like in th cereal aisle)

grinagog (n.)---a person who will not stop smiling (i used to know a guy like that, his nickname was 'smiley')

heterophemize (v.)--to say something different from what you mean to say (geo. bush is th master at that)

homodoxian (n.)--a person who has the same opinion as you.

hypergelast (n.)--a person who will not stop laughing. (these are th peoples who guffaw at their own every commment, at yer every comment, at every comment they overhear, ad neauseum, they jus can't refrain from laffin)

impedimenta (n.,) pl--things that impede progress. (republicans come to mind here)

indread (v.)-- to feel a secret dread (y'know, that which keeps ya awake at night)

interdespise (v.)-- to hate some one as much as he/she hates you. (a lot easier to do than hate somebody who likes ya huh)

jehu (n.)--a fast or reckless driver (as in, ''hey ya fuckin jehu!)

jettatore (n.)--a person who is bad luck (not somebody ya want with ya on yer trip to vegas)

kakistocracy (n.)--government by the worst citizens (we know first hand about that)

keck (v.)--to make a sound as though one were about to vomit (not what ya wanna hear when drivin yer drunken amigo home)

lant (v.)--to add urine to ale in order to make it stronger (i think I'm gonna take a pass on that one.''thanks, but no thanks. please don't lant my beer''.)

latibulate (v.)--to hide one's self in th corner (i wonder what th word is fer hidin myself under th kitchen counter?)

leep (v.)-- to wash with cow dung and water (if it's all th same, i'll jus stick with Tide)

longueur (n.) a long or boring passage of writing (hittin kinda close to home with that one)

matutinal (adj.)--active or wide awake in the morning hours (i would be th opposite of that)

mediochrist (n.)--a person of mediocre talent (ok, ok i'll cop to it)

minionette (adj.)-- small and attractive (lotsa words fer big and ugly, not so many fer th opposite)

misandry (n.) hatred of men (next time substitute this fer ''mysogyny)

misclad (v.)--inappropriately dressed (ooops, guilty)

monodynamic (adj.)--having only a single talent (like, lou dobbs and immigration?)

mumpish (adj.) sullenly angry (who me?)

mumpsimous (adj.)-- a stubborn refusal to give up an archaism, especially in speech or language (hmm, lotsa good examples of that here)

mysophobia (n.)-- an irrational fear of dirt, or bein dirty (not too many kids suffer from this)

nastify (v.)--to render nasty, to spoil

nauseant (n.)--that which nauseates you (see: brepublicans)

nefandous (adj.)-- too odious to be spoken of (once again republicans come to mind Ha ha)

nemesism (n.)--frustraton directed inward (i get that feeling every time I lose somthing)

noceur (n.0-- a dissolute and licentious person, a person who stays up late at night (you bounders and libertines know about this)

nod-crafty (adj.)--given to nodding the head with an air of great wisdom (mmm yes, yes i see)

obganiate (v.)-- to annoy by repeating a word over and over and over again (I experienced this when reading a book recently by t.c. boyle where he used th word ''naked'' 43 times, and only a couple of those referred to peoples. every time I saw it I got more and more obganiated)

oxyphonia (n.)--excessive shrillness of voice.

palaeolotry (n.)--excessive reverence for that which is old (i feel that way about music from th 50's)

parabore (n.)-- a defense against bores (I'll pay good money fer it)

paracme (n.)-- the point at which one's prime is past. i can't remember it)

quisquilious (adj.)--of the nature of garbage or trash. (as in dreck, joe dreck)

remard (n.)-- a touch of remorse

repertitious (adj.)--found by chance or accident (to hell with chance or accident, jus ask st. anthony)

ruffing (n.)--the stomping of feet as a form of applause

sarcast (n)--a writer or person who is sarcastic (who me?)

scrouge (v.) to inconvience or discomfort a person by pressing against them or standing too closely (a space invader)

silentiary (n.)--an official whose job it is to command silence (I wonder if he can shut dogs up?)

superfidel (n)--overcredulous, believes too much (this is not a cigar-smokin commie from cuba)

synpatetic (n.)--a companion one walks with (you prolly jus call him spot)

tripudiate (v.)--to dance, skip or leap with excitement (again st. patty's day comes to mind)

ultra-crepidarian (n.)--an ignorant or presumptious critic

unasinous (adj.) being equal to each other in stupidity (think republicans and democrats)

undisonant (adj.)--making the sound of waves (a good reason to live on the beach)

unbepissed (adj.)--not having been urinated on; unwet with urine (a
state which i assume most of us would prefer, eh)

vicambulist (n.) one who walks about in the street ( i think they call
them ''homeless'' today)

wine-knight (n.)--a person who drinks valiantly (I'm not sure just exactly how one drinks ''valiantly''?)

well-corned (v.)-- exhilarated or excited with liquor (a happy drunk)

xenium (n.)--a gift given to a guest (how about a pair of used socks, and good night?)

yuky (v.)--itching with curiosity

yepsen (n.)--the amount that can be held in two cupped hands

whew! Ok, there's a few fer ya.

Subject: Russians Considering Putting Strategic Bombers In Cuba
Wednesday, March 18, 2009 2:57 AM

Have ya happened to see this bit of news lately which seems to be causin a lot of consternation? What I don't understand is: why? Peoples are goin, "OMG, th Russkies wanna put some bombers in Cuba, only 90 miles away!" Big fuckin deal!

So they put some bombers in Cuba? So what? What danger do they pose to us? Are peoples afraid they might bomb us? Why, pray tell, would they need to? This doesn't change th strategic balance of power between us one whit!

Th Russians have enuff strategic land based missiles in Russia, not to mention their submarine launched missiles which can reach here in less than 10 minutes, to wipe out, not only every living person in th US, but all of civilization! Everybody on th fuckin planet, even includin th Yanomani. We of course have that same capability! We have always referred to this deterrent as MAD! Mutual Assured Destruction! This realization has always been th core of why, we, like th Russkies, have always refrained from attacking each other, cus it would mean the end of Homosapiens. So, what difference do some bombers in Cuba make in th scheme of things? Absolutely nada fucking thing bro!!

So, if yer havin trouble sleepin tonite worryin bout those bombers, sheeit, ya might jus as well lose sleep worryin bout whether yer car is gonna start tomorrow morning causin ya to be late fer work, cuz there's a bigger chance of that happenin than A Russian bomber droppin a nuke on yer head. Get chu a good nite's sleep and Fuggedaboutit!

th cap'm

Subject: Special Message--Guyz Eyez Only--No Gurlz Allowed!
Monday, March 16, 2009 1:55 PM

OK, fer all you gurlz who are still here---in spite of th admonition---Read My Lips! "NO GURLZ ALLOWED!'' Now, get outta here. G'wan, Get!

Ok dudes, remember--- this is classified stuff here, so don't be sharing this with yer sweetie later on tonite, y'dig! This is jus between us dudes. So, here's th deal,

Especially if she's a hottie. See, th thing is, there are predator dudes out there with no scruples, who, given th opportunity, will slip some Rohypnol, y'know, ''Rufies'' into yer date's drink with th idea of takin advantage of her. This is commonly known as th, ''date rape drug'' cus it renders th victim unconscious and unable to remember jus why they are wakin up naked in th middle of a parking lot some where?

Ok, so, to avoid this frightful situation, never trade drinks with yer gurl, or drink her drink cus she doesn't want it, cus if ya do, there's no tellin where yer gonna wake up and in what condition?

This very thing happened to a good friend of mine recently. He went to a party with his gurl and there were some ''gangsta types'' there. He's somewhat of a ''gangsta'' himself, so he wasn't overly concerned, but at some point his gurlfriend wanted to trade drinks with im. Why? I dunno!

Who knows why? Sheeit, who can explain th antics of these critters anyway, eh? But, no big deal! Right!? Wrong!!

Cuz---44 hours later, he woke up in th hospital, havin been in a coma fer th last 38 hours!


And it coulda all been avoided see, by simply insistin that she drink her own drink--- and he drinks his! He coulda spared himself all that crap if he had jus politely refused th switch and kept his own drink!

So, jus remember that. And if yer g/f or yer date asks ya to take a sip of their drink--- well, that would be an opportune time to excuse yerself claimin ya gotta ''break th seal''. (thas what th first piss of th evening is called)

Hey dudes, it's all about havin fun, but it's also about bein Safe too. Don't be puttin yerself in a dangerous situation by switchin drinks, aw'right! So--- be careful out there cus there be thugs afoot with nefarious agendas who would take advantage of th gullible and naive. And th plain stupid!

th cap'm

P.S. If, by heedin my advice; if jus one guy is spared th heartache and agony.....blah, blah, blah'' and so on and so forth. Yeah, I know...and, yer welcome!

Subject: Letter I Sent To Th Star
Sunday, March 15, 2009 11:46 PM

"Since the election of Mayor Funkhouser I haven't had much of anything positive to say about his performance in office. Quite to the contrary, as a matter of fact.

However, I must say I'm in complete agreement with the Mayor in his willingness to forego the two million dollars earmarked for the sports stadiums. Why in the world, in these woeful economic times, should the peoples of Jackson County shell out their much needed money for the maintenance of stadiums for two professional sports teams, that as far as I know are both still profitable? Have either one of them had to lay off workers? Or cut their budgets? Are they scrambling for ways to figure out how they are going to provide the millions of dollars for all the various people on their payrolls? The city is!

I congratulate the Mayor for his stand and think he deserves credit and our support on this issue. The Common Citizen in Jackson County wins big on this one!"


This may be th first time I've ever been in agreement with th Mayor on anything!

th cap'm

Subject: Early Morning Nirvana
Sunday, March 15, 2009 5:07 PM

Last nite, my good buddy, Curt th Werkin guy, gave me a couple hot dawgs from th joint to take home with me, complete with th chili, onion fixins and buns. Y'know, th complete package!

When I got to th crib past th four-ish hour, I felt th need of some sustenance, and sheeit, I had everything I needed in hand, so th decision of what to make to satisfy my cravin was easy! I went about th business of th dog preparation, and this is one field I feel very comfortable with, havin performed this feat innumerable times in my life.

And then I sat down to th enjoyment of same. Whoooie Duke, I'm telling ya, it was fabulous! Now of course we all like th hot dog. At least all good American patriots do, right?! But these dogs were th Acme, th Apex, th Summit of hot dogs. Th 'yummy quotient' was off th scale. In short, they were non-pareil! And of course, bein in a drunken, stoned frame of mind, only helped to enhance th experience. And it was good!

After soppin up th spare clumps of chile with th last remains of th bun, I hit th rack a few minutes later, sated and satisfied, and jus before Brother Morpheus slipped into my mind, my last thought of th day was, "Life is good!''
And thas always a good thought to close out th day, eh!

th cap'm

Subject: St. Anthony Scores A Double-Whammy!
Sunday, March 15, 2009 1:53 PM

OK, ya'll, this past Wednesday I wrote requestin public assistance in findin my lost Mercury-head dime earring. Ya remember that, don'cha? Sure ya do, and I appreciate ya'll goin out and scourin th alleyways and combin th country side searchin fer em.

But, looky here, th very next day, Thursday, I was livin here on th sofa, where I spend a good part of my life these days, thinkin bout my lost earring, again, and jus fer th hell of it, I decided to check th sofa once more, fer th umpteenth and final time, y'know, lookin fer some closure, at least as far as th sofa goes.

When I took th sheet off it I use to cover it's frayed appearance, I was astounded and surprised to see th small wire hook of my earring lyin underneath there. I don't know why it wasn't there before, cuz I'd already searched that area several times. My heart skipped a beat as I thought,

''Hmmmm---well sheeeit, at least I know now th earring was here at some time; that it wasn't lost out on those mean streets! This is a propitious sign. I need to delve into this some more.''

So I pulled th cushion off to check th sofa's innards, in th hope that somehow, even tho I had looked there before too, th earring might have worked it's way there----and---


if I might quote Archimedes. Cus what I found was a silver skull earring, with two bright red rubies I had put in th eye-sockets, and had lost sometime in th previous year. It was so long ago I had completely given up all hope of ever findin it again. I had even stopped mopin over it's loss, cus while th dime earring had some sentimental attachment, this one had had some semi-serious financial attachment what with th installation of th rubies and all. Wow, I was so elated with that discovery I forgot my primary mission fer a second.

So, after I regained my composure, and with a new found sense of optimism, I resumed th search of th sofa, but after some more minutes of lookin, I realized th dime earring jus wasn't there no matter how long and hard I looked. Curses! I didn't know quite how to feel, cus on one hand, I was glad to have found th one I did, but on th other hand, I would actually much rather had found th one I was lookin fer originally, y'know whut I mean.

So, I put th sofa back together again, and got laid back back and got back in my groove and as I was lyin there, thinkin bout how cool it was to have found th old earring, I also got to thinkin that th dime earring jus had to be somewhere near abouts, and so I rolled over on my side and looked over th edge of th sofa at th floor directly below----AND THERE IT WAS! My Mercury-head earring, starin me right in th face, not more than 18 inches from me, on th floor where I had looked a dozen times already!


I couldn't believe it! With hands trembin with excitement, I hastily put it back on th hook and stuck it in my ear, and went and looked in th mirror, and I felt 'whole' again. I couldn't believe my good fortune; within a matter of minutes, I had found two lost earrings within two feet of each other, in places I had previously searched many times before! I think th feelin musta been akin to what Christian fundamentalist get when they're, ''born again'', y'know whut I mean. Sheeit, I even said, ''Hallelujah!!" out loud several times.

Man, that St. Anthony! Is he tooo much, or what? Th guy is jus incredible! This was jus one more chapter in th book I could write detailin th numerous successful requests I've made of im over th years. I couldn't even begin to recount em all. Th book would almost read like fiction, cus it's so un-fuckin-believable.

I'm tellin ya, ya gotta check him out th next time ya lose somthin. And don't worry if yer a faithful Sunni or a Wiccan, or whatever, cus it don't atter to him. Sheeit, I could be th perfect poster boy of his non-judgemental, non-biased manner in handlin requests fer help, cuz as ya might know, I'm not a exactly a religiously oriented person! Ha ha Yet, it apparently makes no never-mind to him. His 'thing' is helping peoples find missing objects; thas what he does! And he's damned good at it too! There ain't no better!!!!

th cap'm

P.S. If yer wonderin why it took me several days to share my Joy wit'cha, it's becuz I've been on a three day drinkin binge celebratin and this is th first time I've been moderately coherent since ''THE DISCOVERY'', thas why!! OK---- so, my minor depression of th last couple weeks has lifted, and today I hear th birds singin and th insects buzzin, and I can't help but feel Spring and Rejuvenation must be near. It's like a new life beginnin, but with some old familiar things, like my earrings, to begin anew, y'know whut I mean! This time I don't feel th need of th booze and dope crutches to carry me thru. (jus in case ya didn't realize it, That was a joke! Ha ha)

Subject: Vitally Important Public Alert
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 11:54 AM

Of course, there's a lot to be concerned about these days. We all have full plates right now, what with th economic implosion we're facin, not to mention a myriad host of other issues. I won't bother goin into em all, cuz you're familiar with em yerself-- but, here's th deal! Supposin yer walkin thru th parking lot of yer grocery store, or mebbe yer walkin yer dog---doesn't matter; or perhaps yer strollin barefoot along th beach and ya happen to spot a coin glinting there in th sand.

When ya pick it up and look at it more closely, ya discover that it is a 1941 Mercury-head dime and it's all tarnished black, except that is, fer th bas relief of Mercury's head itself, which is highly polished and shinin brightly, givin it th appearance of a cameo. And when ya look more closely, ya can't help but notice there's also a small hook on it and what yer lookin at is an earring!

Ya've jus found yerself an unusual and unique earring! But, before ya jump fer joy at yer good fortune, stop jus a fuckin minute----cuz that's MY FUCKIN EARRING DUKE! Ferget?all that, ''finders keepers, losers weepers'' booshit. Thas mine! Aw'right!

Ok, scuse me fer gettin a bit outta whack on ya in case ya find it, OK, cuz see, like I've had that earring fer more than 25 years now and there's only one of em! There's not another one like it in th world. And altho, I've lost it before, somehow or other, I've always gotten it back. I can thank St. Anthony fer those other times. But, it's been almost two weeks now. (normally when ya lose things, if ya jus ask im civilly, St. Anthony will find em fer ya, regardless of yer religious affiliations)

I can remember it like it was yesterday, altho as I said, it was two weeks ago, but in spite of my advanced years, my memory is still keen and butter-knife sharp. There I was; woke up and padded to th john one morning, well actually, one afternoon I mean, and I looked in th mirror checkin my general condition, and th visage lookin back at me wasn't quite right, somethin was off. Well thas not so unusual in itself, but still, somethin was wrong. Somethin was missin. Fer a couple seconds, I couldn't figure out what it was and then---- th reality hit me in th stomach like yesterday's headline in th Tongonoxie Daily Republican.

OOOOF! My cherished Mercury-head dime earring was gone missing, AWOL! I let out a shriek of agony, ''OH NOOOO!" Curses! That bitch, Dame Fortuna is messin with me again!

That earring has been with me thru th good times and th bad! I write this now with a heart heavy with sorrow, cuz I know that this time, SOB it may be gone fer good! And altho I already asked St. Anthony fer his assistance and altho he's always (95%) come thru fer me in th past, I gotta bad feelin bout this one. Thas why this time I'm takin th unusual step of askin fer public assistance, aw'right.

Keep a sharp lookout and yer eyes to th ground. Scour yer neighborhood, check with yer friends and relatives, put ads in th newspapers, write e-mails, call into yer local radio shows, mention it in yer blogs, y'know, whatever! Of course, keep in mind that in situations like this, th usual conditions will apply. So--when ya return it to me, as per th ritual, I will be forever indebted to ya! Like, whatever ya may ask of me in th future will be granted, jus like in th fairy tales. Ya know th drill!

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, in a way, it's kinda bizarre, cus like, when I was a teenager, hell, even jus thirty years ago, I woulda never believed that someday I would be whinin like a punk, cuz I lost an earring! Cus thas what gurlz do. Ha ha Wow! Times change, eh!?

Subject: Th Insanity!
Monday, March 9, 2009 4:27 PM

I read in last week's paper where the government sez they are close to reachin a plea agreement with uber-swindler ''Bernie'' Maddoff's lawyers? Say what??? Why in th FUCK does th government need to offer ANY kind of plea agreement with that mutherfucker?

This is a piece of scum who stole th life savings of scores of thousands of peoples! What could he possibly have to offer them in exchange for some leniency? Unless, maybe to not reveal th extent of th wide spread corruption of top government officials in th SEC and other federal agencies which were essential to his scam?

I also read in th same article that th 50 billion dollar figure bandied about was not accurate; that it was maybe only 30 Billion! Oh well, heck, thas not soo bad then, is it? Sheeit! Instead of offerin im a deal, they oughta draw and quarter th fucker right there on Wall Street durin th lunch hour!

I don't know why I'm surprised tho; jus another example of what passes fer Justice in America! An ignorant, poor 18 y/o black kid gets popped fer slingin 100 bucks worth of crack catches a 20 year beef. A rich, elderly, white, highly respected member of th gentry rips off thousands of peoples and charities fer Billions of dollars gets a plea bargain! I'll give ya 50 to 1 odds he voted fer John McCain!

th cap'm

P.S. Some one criticized me recently fer my speling. Hey! I'll have ya know I'm a perfectly capapable proof reader.

Subject: Expanding One's Horizons
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 3:48 PM

I got to thinkin recently, (I do that when I'm bored) that perhaps I was gettin stagnant. In a rut. Goin stale, so to speak. So I decided a new hobby might be jus th thing to pull me out of th doldrums. I decided to put my sesame seed collection on hold fer th time being.

While I was tryin to think of somethin of interest, a hobby to occupy my time, I remembered a large bag of sugar I bought recently. I bought this bag fer th specific purpose, so that every couple of years when I get a hankerin fer cinnamon and toast, I would have th obligatory sugar to add on. It was a bit of over-kill though cuz this bag of sugar would prolly last me for 15 to 20 years.......minimum!

I thought...hmmmmm.... how can I integrate my over supply of sugar with a new hobby? Is there some way I can hook up th two? When suddenly th solution hit me like a bottle of Mad Dog upside th head. POW! White strobe lights went off accompanied by bells and whistles. It was a powerful thought Duke! Yeah, sure, thas it! I will take up eatin cereal as a hobby. Not only would it supply me with many hours of entertainment, not to mention whatever nutritional benefits might accrue, but at th same time I could utilise my sugar supply.

Now keep in mind I hadn't eaten a bowl of cereal in over twenty years! Cereal was not my "thing" so to speak. I was completely ignorant of any advances that may have taken place in th cereal industry over th past twenty years. So I went to th local supermarket to get a starter kit.

Now normally, th cereal aisle is one I merely go through on my way from one place to another. Kinda like drivin thru Kansas, ya know whut I mean? I've never paid any attention to it before. I had no idea what to expect. Well, I was totally amazed.... confused... and bewildered by th daunting numbers of Product.
There were soooo many cereals there to choose from, I couldn't handle it. Decisions! Decisions! Sparks flew everywhere and then my mind simply shut down altogether, leavin me standin there vacant eyed and mumblin, with drool hanging off my chin. (I'm sure this musta happened to youse before at th grocery store too, huh!) I knew I was approachin total meltdown if I didn't act soon, and then, th thought struck me from out of nowhere.... like, I don't know where it came from, "Audaces fortuna juvat"........ which confused me even more, y'know, like, ''What th fu.....?", but then..... a few seconds later, no doubt as a result of my experience as a Roman Pro Counsel in a previous life, th translation came in, "Fortune favors the bold" Right on! So I boldly grabbed a box of Post's Honey Bunches of Oats (with almonds) and havin made my decision, never looked back.

I took my purchase and quickly egressed back to th crib, where I feverishly ripped open th box scatterin cereal everywhere, some of which went into a bowl I had set out. Well, see, it had been twenty years and my anticipation was keen, y'know whut I mean! In a frenzy I doused it with th sugar, splashed in th milk and with tremblin hands prepared to take th first spoonfuls, all of which landed on my shirt and in my lap. Like I said kids, "my anticipation was keen"!....... plus... my hand-eye co-ordination not bein what it used to be.

I knew though, that if I persevered, eventually some of it would make it's way to my mouth. It's kinda like fallin on yer head; once ya get th hang of it, ya never really quite forget it. Same thing with eatin cereal. Well, I gotta tell ya, when I finally succeeded, it was a most pleasant experience. Ooooooh, it was sweet ese! Possibly too pleasant, cuz since then, I have been eatin cereal now in th mornings, in th afternoons, in th evenings, and again in th early mornings (3-4 AM) It really doesn't matter any more what time it is, cuz when I get th urge, I'm gonna score. What started out as an innocent hobby has now become a compulsive obsession. I guess I'm gettin strung out. Whut can I say?

Hey looky here! I gotta go now, cuz I know a dude who's holdin some Frosted Flakes that have only been stepped on once. Dig ya later!

th cap'm

P.S. Cereal! It's whut's happenin boyz and gurlz!

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