Subject: A SECRET ADMIRER
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:29 PM
OK ya'll, do I have a bizarre story for you! This is jus too weird and
it's gonna blow yer mind! Now, I don't know if you knew it or not, but
to put it in polite language, I don't much care for Sarah Palin. I have
written some stuff about her before, but I'm not sure if I ever actually
said, "I don't like Sarah Palin". Now, those of you who are
a bit more perceptive than the average yahoo tho might have picked up
some subtle clues between th lines, that I'm not favorably inclined in
And that's why this is so strange! Check this out: just a little while
ago, I got my mail, and there was a hand written letter in my mailbox.
It didn't have a return address on it and altho it was addressed to me,
it had the wrong street address on it, but in spite of that, it still
made it to my crib. Figuring it was from some one I knew, my interest
was piqued so I opened it immediately. You will never guess in a million
years what was in the envelope? OK, are you ready for this?
It was the cover page of the November 23rd issue of Newsweek
with Sarah Palin on the cover....and it's signed,
Merry Xmas Captain
And you know those x's and o's mean, "hugs and kisses" don'cha?
Who woulda thought Sarah had a crush on me, eh? Damn, isn't that a hoot?!
Obviously, she prolly hasn't read any of the stuff I've written about
her? Or, if she has, she must be really smitten with me, huh! Of course,
with Sarah, there's the strong possibility that the gurl can't even read
to begin with. Ya recall how Katie Couric had her stammerin and stallin,
hemmin and hawwin, when asked what she read!
But gosh, this unexpected development has me in a quandary. Now, I'm kinda
torn. Becuz I have my standard, y'know. I have my personal Principles
and Ethics to consider. I mean, one can't deny th gurl is attractive,
y'know, even if she is dumber than a can of tuna. And of course, we're
politically opposites. I view her as a trash can of lunatic, right-wing
tea baggers! On the other hand, I'm a left-wing, liberal, socialist bastard.
So, therein lies th dilemma.
But sheeit, opportunities like this don't fall into one's lap every day
now, do they? In spite of her obvious flaws, she does have a certain "star
quality" which I might could take advantage of. Y'know, like, what
with myself bein unemployed and all, and then, consider all th cash she's
rakin in off her book.....hmmmmm. Food fer thought, eh? I could mebbe
duct tape her mouth ...... well, most of th time anyway. hehe That would
certainly help th situation. I mean, imagine listenin to her all th time....
and tryin to decipher what she's sayin? Mebbe I could hire that guy who
works fer Stephen Hawking and he could translate her gibberish into something
I could understand? Is that possible? Or, might I just as well ask fer
But, mebbe I could help her there?! Like, with some of the tuff interviewers
she will have to face in th next few years, like Sean Hannity and Bill
O'Reilly. Whew! Oh man. And then, there's Larry King, boy, he can be a
real meanie! We could tell that hard assed Katie Couric to take a hike
down there along th Klondike and while she's at it, to take those trick
questions of hers and stick em where the Alasskan sun don't shine!
Then, after she's elected in 2012, I could be The First Dude. Y'know,
havin peoples openin doors fer me, and fixin me foods when ever I took
a hankerin to eat, and doin my laundry, tryin to crash parties jus so
they could shake hans with me. I could have my minions keepin my Caddy
all waxed and shined all th time, while I relaxed out there on th lawn
in th evenings, drinkin my Bud and sparkin up a doobie. And hey, y'know
what else? I'll bet as Numero Uno Dude, I could cop some rilly righteous
Herb too. Sheeit, I'll bet I could get ol Karzai to score me some of that
Primo Black Afhgani hash we all love, cuz I know he's got some good connections
But man, I dunno! Like, if I did all that and became that person; who
would I be then? I mean....... is it worth it to surrender yer Soul fer
Fame and Fortune? What to do? Which way to go?
But, ya know what? I don't think so! Nah...... sheeit, I guess I'm gonna
have to tell Sarah that it's a No Go.... that I'm takin an El Paso! Oh
sure....it'll be tuff!!
But she'll get over it.....ÚÚ eventually!
Subject: CHRISTMAS CHEER
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 2:37 AM
Oh boy, Christmas caroling gone insane. When I went into th bar last Saturday
nite out there at Bobby Baker's, they were really crowded, jammed to overflowing,
but my timin was perfect as I luckily got a place to sit at th bar. They
were all in th midst of singing Christmas carols and were being led by
a guy in a Santa outfit. This was a pretty organized affair. He had distributed
lyrics to everyone, but I, being th curmudgeon I am, passed when offered
my set. It was ridiculously loud. People were competing with each other
to yell out this crap as loudly and as off-key as they could, and there
were some really loud peoples there too. Loud booming voices!! Yeah, evidently
th louder and more off-key you were, th more FUN it was, and by those
standards, those folks were having a blast! Just about every one in th
joint was participating. But fer myself, it was awful! I was pretty much
solo in my complete indifference to it all. As a matter of fact it was
all I could do to refrain from shoutin out.
"WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLES SHUT TH FUCK UP!!
But y'know, what th hell; it's Christmas! And th dumbest part of it was,
they were singing some risque lyrics to that song, sheeit, I don't know
th name, but th lyrics go, "On the first day of Christmas, my true
love said to me.....blah, blah blah...." y'know th one I mean, and
as Santa would sing out that part, others in different sections would
sing out th responses, and each time they sang out one of these raunchy
lyrics, they would all guffaw and giggle and twitter at th sheer naughtiness
of it all. teehee Godam, I felt like I had gone back in time to mebbe
th 5th or 6th grade or somethin. I fully expected some one to throw a
condom across th room. Boy, there woulda been some giggling at that!!
And you know how many verses there are to that song? Oh god, I wanted
to puke all over th bar. I don't know how long it took, but it seemed
like an Eternity. Then they did Jingle Bells, then they did some semi-religious
songs, y'know, like th one, "Christ the Savior is born." and
others of that ilk. Now, I'm not a religiously oriented person myself,
but I wondered if any of them thought for a second about a bunch of drunken
fools in a bar blasting out songs of Praise to th Baby Jesus. It just
seemed kinda weird to me. It would be kinda like dancing at a funeral.
OOOPS...Oh wait, never mind that analogy, cuz I've been to a few Irish
funerals before! Ha ha
Finally after bout an hour, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, it went
on that long; they grew tired and I guess th novelty of singing Christmas
songs in a bar with a bunch of drunken galoots finally, thank god, wore
thin. And altho still crowded and noisy as hell, one could sit and drink
quietly, which is all I wanted to do. That's why I went there!
Now, I admit, I'm not a joiner in organized fun. Never have been. When
I was younger and others were playing drinking games, I said,
"Fuck a bunch of drinking games and a bunch of chanting. Drink! Drink!
Drink! Thas bullshit. I'm just going to drink, period!"
I don't get real enthusiastic in groups. I tend to stay quiet and on th
sidelines. When others about me are all jumpin up and down over some sports
event, yellin and whoopin, as th result of some play, I'm jus quietly
watchin, never bouncin up out of my chair once, in either in glee or despair.
Now, I am well aware of these faults of mine, really..... but I make no
apology, cus actually, I don't give a shit! Y'know what I mean! As much
as peoples decry my lack of enthusiasm, I look equally askance at their
compliance of what they think they're supposed to do. A lotta peoples
think that if yer not yellin and shoutin at th top of yer lungs at th
every banal, mundane thing goin on around you, then yer not havin FUN!!
I mean, they think if yer havin FUN like yer supposed to, then ya need
to yell, and scream, and be obnoxious, so others around ya will know you
know how to have fun too. And they can tell how much FUN yer havin by
th volume of yer voice. Th louder ya are, th more FUN yer havin!
OK, so then..... at Christmas time, you need to sing out as loudly and
off-key as possible to let others know, that you can be jus a stupid as
yer supposed to be.....otherwise peoples will wonder, "Hey ese, whassa
matter wit chu?"
Well, like I said, I know I'm not a fun guy, but it's OK. I jus went to
th bar to get drunk! And I did. And I didn't have to play no stupid drinking
game to do it either!
Subject: ROSETTA STONE
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 12:06 AM
I heard on th radio earlier today about a new language learning system
called, ROSETTA STONE. They claim that this is th easiest, fastest way
to learn a new language. Th guy on th ad said that, "in ten minutes
you can be speaking a new language". WOW! That is fast, huh! Ten
minutes! Whew! Do ya think he was jivin us? Do ya think he was stretching
th truth there a bit?
But heck, if that's true, in just one hour's time, I could learn to speak,
like, six different languages. In th first 40 minutes I could learn Canadian,
British, Australian, and Bermudan. Then I could learn to speak Spanish,
so I could chastise those illegal Spaniard immigrants sneaking across
my yard at night.
And in th last ten minutes, I could learn Ancient Sumerian just in case
I decide to become an archeologist in my later years and needed to read
some ancient Sumerian magazines.
Six languages in one hour. That's pretty fuckin cool, eh!!
But hey, ya know what would be reely cool? What if, like, six of us enrolled
in th Rosetta Stone Classes, y'know, fer like one hour and we so we all
learned six different languages, y'dig, and so then........when we went
into a saloon and each person was speakin in th 6 languages...... that's
like, 36 languages amongst us, and man.....y'know, we could all order
our drinks in 36 different languages....and it would jus freak out th
bartender....wouldn't that be cool!
P.S. If anyone's interested in bein a Rosetta Stoner with me too, ya know
how to contact me. But jus remember tho, when ya approach me...watch fer
th signal....if I put my hand up to adjust my hat...jus keep walkin!...
don't say nothin!...don't make eye contact!... we don't know each other!!
But.... if I jam my right left index finger up my right nostril....that
means......every thing's cool! If ya stop and think about it, you can
prolly understand th subtle significance of that "left" finger
jammin up that right nostril, meanin "every thing's cool" eh,
without me havin to explain it?! Course, there's lotsa other secret signals
too, but we can discuss those later in our different languages. Like,
if we were rappin to each other in Yanomani, prolly no one else would
know what we were talkin about. Wouldn't that be cool!!
Subject: A MODEST TALE OF BRAVERY AND COURAGE
Date: Monday, December 21, 2009 6:27 PM
Ok ya'll, lemme jus say right off th bat, I'm not totally comfortable
tellin this story cuz I'm not th kinda guy to toot his own horn and I
have always found braggarts and vain, conceited blow hards to be JERKS!
But I think some times, tales of Courage and Bravery should be told around
th campfire, even if one must tell them hisself, so our youth will have
some role models. Sometimes these kinda tales can be Inspirational for
th masses, encouragin them to persevere in spite of daunting hurdles.
Anyway, I jus wanted ya'll to know that I am a modest and humble kinda
dude, who doesn't necessarily deserve all th accolades and honors ya would
like to bestow me ...... OK!?
Aw'right, earlier today, as I was walkin around th crib here barefoot,
I felt a sharp stinging sensation in my right foot. I didn't pay much
attention to it at th time; I jus figured I'd stepped on a Black Widow
or somethin. So, I went on about my business, but steppin real carefully,
not puttin too much pressure on th ball of my foot. I ran errands and
stuff all afternoon, walkin about rather awkwardly th whole time. I'm
tellin ya duke, it was most uncomfortable.
By th time I got home, it was pretty painful. I decided to check it out
and when I went to take my sock off, OUCH! ooh it hurt. I looked and realized
that th reason my foot was hurtin was because there was a staple in it.
Sheeit. No wonder th pain. I'd been walkin around all day with a staple
in my foot. (if ya wanna go OOOOOOH here, go ahead, indulge yerself) Evidently
I had stepped on it earlier in th day, rather than some kind of poisonous
insect. Th area around th staple was all red and sensitive to th touch.
Naturally my first reaction was to call 911 fer an ambulance to take me
to th Emergency Room. But then I got to thinkin...y'know, how could I
take up space on ambulance, when there might be others out there suffering
from gun shot wounds to th head, and torso and so on? And then, th poor
Ambulance company, how could I beat them outta th $1,000 dollars it would
cost them to transport me the 8 blocks to th hospital, since I couldn't
And then too ..... I got to thinkin bout takin up space in th Emergency
Room and how those impoverished hospitals, who are only chargin $1,500-2000
fer a visit there are strugglin to survive, cuz that $5,000 bucks a nite
they are chargin their payin customer jus barely pays th light bills.
And seein as how I'm one of those deadbeats who have no insurance cuz
I can't afford it, I would only be addin to their burden. Nah, it jus
didn't seem right that I might cause some delay in some poor lawyer's
ingrown toenail treatment. I couldn't in all conscience do that.
So, I figured th only honorable thing fer me to do was; tuff it out myself!!
I knew I was in fer a world of hurt, so I started makin preparations in
advance of th comin ordeal. First thing I did was gobble down some oxycodones.
Then I fetched a small plastic tub outta th kitchen, also a bratwurst,
and retrieved my industrial tweezers outta a drawer. I went in th bathroom
and sat on th stool, and crossed my leg, lookin at th staple there in
my foot. Th skin around it was swollen and painful to th touch. I positioned
my leg so my foot was over th tub to catch th torrent of blood that was
sure to pour out.
I put that bratwurst between my teeth in anticipation of th pain. I used
those tweezers to get a grip on th staple.....now here boyz n gurlz, jus
so ya get an idea of what was about to happen, y'know how in th movies
where they gotta dig a bullet outta a guys shoulder or somethin.... well
this was what that was like....grabbin ahold of that staple...Ooooweee....
and then, jus before I yanked that dude out...and here again, y'know how
in th movies where they gotta take an arrow or a spear or somethin like
that outta a guy... well, this was what that was gonna be like ........
I took a deep breath.......paused.... exhaled....... and yanked it out----
YEEEEOOOOOOOW! I clamped down so hard on th bratwurst, bro, I bit clean
thru it. I almost passed out...my eyelids fluttered... beads of sweat
droppin off my nose...I gasped, tryin to catch my breath and held that
staple up and looked at it gleaming in th light. I looked down at my foot
and was actually surprised, cuz th river of blood never materialized.
There was jus a small blotch on th tissue about th size of a match head,
so as it turns out, I didn't need th tub after all, but hey......it always
pays to be prepared, knowhutahmsayin.
Now, I'm jus layin here on th sofa recuperatin, those damned oxycodones
jus now kickin in......I'm a bit woozy, havin a hard time with keyboard,
strugglin to finish here. Well, anyway, if ya wanna tell yer chirrun about
my heroics, it's OK, but do me a favor eh? Don't be exaggeratin or embellishin
th story, aw'right. Don't try and make me out to be a BIG HERO, OK?!
Subject: Op-Ed Columnist - Tiger Woods, Person
of the Year - NYTimes.com
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 11:27 PM
This is a great article by Frank Rich of the New York Times. It's about
so much more though than Tiger Woods himself. As Rich points out, the
Tiger Woods debacle is symbolic of so many other things that have happened
in this country in the last ten years. How we blindly follow the myths
that are perpetrated on us all the time, without ever questioning them,
as though we have willingly taken leave of our senses, refusing to believe
or acknowledge what is right in front of us. We live through times like
these, going about our business, hardly paying attention, oblivious to
what is actually happening all around us as though we're blind.
When you stop and think about some of the things he's observed here, this
decade, from a historical perspective is probably as significant, or more
so even, than the '60s! We look back on the 60's and say, "Wow! Those
were crazy times, eh!" and yet this 1st decade of the Third Millennium
has got to be as crazy and significant as any other ten year period in
If you have the time, read this article, even if for no other reason than
to get a another perspective on Tiger Woods, although, godam, who really
gives a shit about Tiger Woods?
Subject: NPR Media Player
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 4:23 PM
Ok ya'll, my buddy Mike th G sent this to me. I found it to be hilarious.
I think you will too. Take a couple minutes from th hustle and bustle
and relax and have a chuckle or two.
Subject: Fwd: Alan Keyes Video A MUST WATCH VIDEO
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 3:13 AM
OK ya'll, a buddy of mine sent this to me. Check it out. My reply to him
is at th bottom.
Subject: FW: Alan Keyes Video A MUST WATCH VIDEO
THIS VIDEO SHOULD SHOW THE RACE BAITERS LIKE JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON,
LOUIS FARAKAN, REV. WRIGHT, AND ALL THE OTHER THUGS WHO SCREAM RACIAL
DISCRIMINATION EVERY TIME NEGATIVE COMMENTS ARE MADE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE
THAT THERE IS ALSO BLACK PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THIS IGNORANT BLACK MUSLIM
THUG WE HAVE SITTING IN THE WHITE HOUSE. ALAN KEYES HAS IT RIGHT WE GOT
TO GET THIS MAN OUT OF OFFICE AND THE SOONER THE BETTER.
Oh man ---, I don't think I have ever heard anybody as stupid as this
mutherfucker! Nobody! Anywhere! This Idiot makes Rush and Glenn look like
regular, ordinary sane people!
I mean, really, is there anything this fucking moron said that you agree
with? The arguments about him not being an American have been so widely
discredited, even among people like John McCain, and others, as being
completely false, it's hardly worth mentioning. Only a stupid fucking
moron like Sarah Palin would even bother to bring it up any more.
I mean, I can understand people not liking Obama. I hardly endorse anything
he's done so far myself; he's been a disappointment to me, that's for
sure. But this kind of crap is just too ridiculous to even give a moment's
thought to. Why doesn't the fucker just claim he's SATAN himself? Wouldn't
be any dumber!!
And compared to Geo. Bush? Damn! He's the fuck who ran this country into
the ground! You remember he was the guy to give out the first 800 billion
dollars in stimulus funds! No questions asked. And we don't even have
the slightest idea of where it went either? I have no doubt that History
will show that Bush was the worst President we have ever had! No one has
ever done more harm to this country than him!! A rich oil man's pampered
son who failed at everything he's ever done, before becoming President,
where he failed miserably too.
And this fuckhead, Alan Keyes, needs to be put in a place where he can
get some help! These are the ravings of a fucking madman!!
Alan Keyes? Who in the fuck is he? Just because he's a black guy saying
all this crap, that's supposed to give him credibility? Nah, I don't think
so. He's just another Insane fuckhead! He says Obama is a radical Communist?
He says he's going to destroy this country? He says if we don't stop him
the United States is going to cease to exist? He says we are in the midst
of the greatest crises this nation has ever seen! Forget the Civil War.
Forget Pearl Harbor. Forget 9/11, yeah right, they were nothing compared
to an Obama Presidency? haha Sheeit. He says if we don't deal with it
we will find ourselves in the midst of Chaos, Confusion and Civil War.
On and on! Oh shit, gimme a fucking break! !If these aren't the ravings
of a delusional, insane demagogue, I don't know what would be?
At least, that's the way I see it. Of course, I could be wrong...... but
in this case, I don't think so!!
Subject: RETELLING OF PAST ADVENTURES
Date: Thursday, December 17, 2009 3:09 PM
OK, ya'll, I want ya to keep in mind th stuff below was written some ten
years ago. Sometimes it's interesting to go back to one's earlier years
and see where yer head was at then? Back in those times, I was just another
shallow youth. I kinda chuckle at my immaturity and barely concealed misogynistic
attitudes back then when I re-read some of these things. I look back now
and can see how I've matured and grown as a person and the strides I've
made. I crossed that bridge almost a decade ago and now I'm just another
typical Third Millennium Dude, chanting with th rest of em,
"Power to th Sistuhs and Fuck th Glass Ceiling!!"
Aw'right now gurls, remember, don't be holdin this against me cuz this
was written back in '99. That was then....... Today of course, I'm a different
guy with modern hip attitudes. I'm sure after reading this, you will instantly
recognize that th person who wrote this barely resembles th cap'm yer
familiar with these days.
Feb. 19th, 1999
Ya ever notice the dearth of female hunters? Gurls jus don't seem to enjoy
goin afield in search of game! Why is that, do you suppose? I think it
may be becuz they weren't properly trained in childhood like a lot of
us guys were. Like, take myself fr'instance, early on, I honed my hunting
skills as a young boy, armed only with a Daisy Red Ryder Repeater and
my trusty Boy Scout knife, pitting myself against the wily sparrow. After
word of my hunting prowess spread, it didn't take too long before the
avian community shunned the tree in my back yard all together, forcing
me to go further afield, to my next door neighbor's yard in quest of game.
Soon, I was known and feared throughout the 'hood'. Now see, I guess a
lot of gurls didn't have those kinds of 'early-life experiences'. There
was obviously neglect there. Yeah, fer sure! They were no doubt too busy
playing with their dolls and such and playing 'dress up'......... much
as they're still doing today I venture. However it occurred to me just
"Why can't we all just get together, y'know?"
So, after pondering this notion for a while, I sent this ad into to the
"Personals" which I have never done before, looking for that
'special someone' to fill that void in my life.........here's the ad I
"SWM Hunter. Looking for intelligent like minded, nurturing female,
race not an issue, who shares my Passion for Stalking, Killing and Gutting
wild critters such as squirrels, rabbits, cats, dogs, cows, etc, etc.
Must be a caring, sensitive individual with large breasts who is willing
to step in the gore and but who is also willing to foray to the art gallery
or perhaps to the local bookstore when we're not occupied out in 'the
killing fields'. Please send a large color photo of your current weapons
system to Capt. Hoohah, Great White Hunter at Large."
Well sheeit, it's been two long weeks now and I've been waiting breathlessly
by the phone and I haven't had a single fucking response. Sheeeit. What's
up with that? You try and be a sensitive 90's kind of guy by 'reaching
out' and trying to 'share' and what does it get you?.........Nada, amigos!!.........
Nada a fucking thing!! Shunned once again. How many times must one endure
such treatment in life, I ask you?? It's enough to make one's bile flow
like the Nile during the rainy season, you know whut ahm sayin? Well enuff
of this rancor and bitterness. And besides, who's bitter anyway!! Who
Me? Nah, I'm not bitter!
Oh, by the way, as long as I'm talking about hunting, I am going to share
a recollection of happier times with you. Maybe you recall I wrote of
this just last month. This can only be described as an is an uplifting
account of what was 'a superb day'. The hunters among you will relate
and appreciate this.Tue, Jan 19, 1999, Loose Park Duck Caper.........
I just got an E-Mail from a friend of mine about a hunting trip he just
got back from. It seems that Bucky and a couple of friends went out on
a nasty, cold, rainy morning in search of some game. It didn't sound
like much of a fun hunting day to me; rather it sounded like a miserable
four hour trip from hell with no results, except for the sighting of a
German Shepard, which, incidentally...... they missed! Myself, I approach
the hunting experience with a different attitude.
Like, the last time I went hunting, I leisurely started off the day early
in the morning around 10:30, down at the Classic Cup, in the Country Club
Plahza District, with a hearty breakfast of some eggs Benedict, a spinach
and cheese quiche, and a robust cup of Lite almond mocha cappuccino. It's
good to have a full stomach when one goes out on a strenuous adventure
such as this. Then I got into the Town Car and headed two blocks south
on Wornall to the 'killing fields', sometimes known as the Loose Park
Duck and Goose Pond. I retrieved my various supplies from the trunk including,
a most comfortable folding lawn chair and some pre-mixed cocktails.
There were approximately 35 to 40 Duck/Geese critters honking and squawking
about, as though they didn't have a care in the world. SURPRISE! haha
(note: I had forgotten my Audubon Field Guide, which accounts for the
uncertainty in identification) Well, in any case. I set up my communications
system with my hunting partner Capt. Gunther Bohunk. We had decided on
using the A-10 'Warthog' as our weapon of choice. Although it's primary
mission is that of "tank killer" and it was originally designed
back during the Cold War to counter Soviet tanks invading into Western
Europe through the Fulda gap, we found that it also adapted to the role
of 'Goose Killer' very nicely. Using those twin 40 mm mini-guns in the
nose, firing a depleted uranium round at a combined rate of 200 rounds
a second, it makes a formidable anti-Duck/Goose weapon. Well, you know,
if it'll take out a tank, you can pretty much figure what it'll do to
a goose, eh. With this baby you never find yourself saying,
"Hey, I think I may have winged him"
Well anyway, I unfolded and lay back in my lawn chair, making myself comfortable,
taking a few sips of my Blue Magoo, figured out the coordinates, cranked
up the communications system, relayed the data to Bo, and gave him the
Go signal. But dammit, I don't know why, obviously some miscommunication
no doubt, becuz on his first pass he came in too high and missed the whole
damned pond altogether..... although he did take out the top three floors
of the apartments flanking the park. No problema! This happens sometimes
in the hunting game; sometimes you miss! Sometimes there may be a bit
of collateral damage, it can't be helped. No matter. We're only Human
after all. I can write letters of condolence to the survivors later on
in the week, y'know, when I'm not busy.
Well, after making a couple of minor corrections, this time making sure
we were in synch, his next pass was
perfecto. With a three second burst, the whole pond erupted as though
a powerful bomb had gone off there. Bits of feather and other duck related
debris, drifted down for the next minute or so. It looked like it was
snowing duck feathers! Man!! What a fuckin Rush!!! I'm telling you ese,
there's nothing that can match the primeval feeling of Elation and Exultation
when Man goes up against Nature and emerges Victorious. A Veritable Triumph
of the Human Spirit. I leaped up out of my chair pumping my fist skyward
YEAAAH!!! YEAAAH!! YEAAAH!! over and over again. Man I was so pumped up!
Later that day, with the adrenalin waning, I kicked back with a few relaxing
cups of some soothing herbal green tea and went ahead and composed those
letters of condolences to the survivors in the apt. building. It's unfortunate
that you some times have this collateral damage in the Hunting Game, but,
hell, Life itself can be unfortunate sometimes. Es la Verdad, no? (in
Engles--Isn't that the truth!) But....what are we going to do? Ban Hunting
or something? No and No and No............I don't think so!!
And you know what, even though there were no pieces of duck left, large
enough to to eat, it didn't really matter. Because that wasn't the whole
point. The main thing was....THE THRILL OF THE KILL! And, what a THRILL
Dec. 17, '09
Well OK, like I said, that was ten years ago. Now today, being more politically
correct, paying more attention to PETA's message, using the A-10 today
seems rather like Overkill and unfair to the animals. It didn't really
give em much of a sporting chance. So, today, enlightened as I am, I generally
use an RPG (rocket propelled grenade) or else th ol standby, th AK-47.
Both highly effective.
P.S. If anyone is interested in goin afield with me sometime, have yer
secretary get in touch with my secretary and arrange an appointment.
Subject: PSST, HEY YOU! NEED A HOBBY?
Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009 1:01 PM
It's rather interesting the hobbies that different peoples have, eh? Y'know,
some peoples collect stamps, others collect figures of elephants, or dogs,
etc. while other's build things in their wood shops. All manner of different
hobbies. Perhaps you remember me tellin you that years ago I used to collect
sesame seeds, eh?
Admittedly a kinda different and unusual hobby. Then, many years earlier
in my youth, I used to watch birds via my binoculars. Yeh, see, I was
weird even as a kid, while the other kids were learning how to swing a
baseball bat, I was sneaking and creeping thru the woods, bird book in
hand, spying on birds. Scoff and jeer if you must, but from what I read,
today "birding" as it's now referred to, is the most popular
hobby of all. But back when I was involved it was just considered "creepy".
Evidently, once again I was in the Vanguard, a trendsetter, a catalyst,
a leader of the pack......let's face it.... a VISIONARY, if you will.
But check this out....earlier today, I met a guy with an even more odd
hobby.... but I have my doubts tho, if in the future there will be lots
of peoples following his lead like they did mine.
This guy collects girly pictures, y'know, what they call "pin-ups"!
Now, I don't guess that's all that unusual in and of itself, altho I don't
believe there are really that many other like-minded peoples, I mean,
I'm not aware of any Gurly Picture Collector's Conventions going on, but.........
if there are others out there such as himself, where he sets himself apart
is...........he doesn't collect just any pin-ups.... nah, see, his pictures
have to include a TV in the background somewhere!
Thas right, pictures of scantily clad gurls with a television some where
in the picture too! Now, ya gotta admit, that's a bit unusual huh?
I wonder? Where did this guy get this idea? I mean, y'know, you're sitting
around one day and suddenly from out of the depths of your mind, a thought
leaks into your consciousness,
"Hey, I think from now on I'm going to start searching for and saving
pictures of scantily clad gurls! Yeah, but wait a minute... I think I'll
only look for pictures of gurls where there's a TV somewhere in the picture.
Yeah, that's the ticket!!"
Just in case there are other dudes out there, who also like pics of gurls
with TVs in close proximity, lemme know, cuz I can put you in touch with
a "special friend" for yourself! Bringing peoples together!
That's what I do!!
P.S. By the way, I still have a nice collection of sesame seeds, hardly
been used, I could cut loose with for the right price. As with everything
else, I'm reasonable!
Subject: LET'S GIVE THE BANKS SOME MORE MONEY!!
Date: Monday, December 14, 2009 7:33 PM
Godddam, I am so pissed off. When my debit card was rejected at Costco
earlier today, I went to th bank to see what th problem was? It turns
out that because of two checks totaling $63.00 which were overdrawn, one
for $30.00 for 8 days, and th other for $33.00 for one day.......they
had charged me $134.00 in overdraft fees!! I had never gotten any kind
of notice that any of this was takin place. If I hadn't discovered it
when I did....it woulda just kept increasin eight bucks every day.
I was none too friendly with th bank officer lady I was dealin with either.
I was rantin and ravin. Th Security Guard moved from his spot near th
entrance to keep a closer eye on me cuz I was on th verge of goin totally
berserk on the poor woman.
Can you fucking believe this?! $134.00 in fees for 63.00 dollars worth
of checks? It is more than jus Outrageous......it's....... it's GODDAM
FUCKING INSANELY OUTRAGEOUS! Goddamit, I can't even express my anger and
I mean.....think about it. If I had gone to a loan shark and borrowed
that $63.00 @5% a week, or 260% @ year, which is not only a usurious amount,
but illegal to boot to charge that much, and yet at the end of th week,
I woulda only owed him $66.15. Y'know, thas th $63.00 bucks plus th 5%
weekly interest = $66.15!! A pawn shop charges you 10% a month...or 120%
a year. So, after a month I woulda owed them $69.30! But I owed my bank
$199.00 fucking dollars instead!
How do those mutherfuckers get away with that? They tried to charge me
$134.00 in fees on $63.00 worth of checks. That's works out to a yearly
rate of about 11,000 %!! Sheeit, peoples are bitchin when their credit
card companies are stickin em with 20-30% rates...... how does 11,000%
sound? Man, I spent an hour bitchin and screamin at her. So, after all
my gripin and yellin, she reduced my fees to $35.00. WOW huh! Like, big
fucking deal!! Now that means I only was charged 55% @ week! Whoopie,
eh! That's only 2,800% yearly. Gosh...Gee, thanks!! And see, she was doin
me a favor. I told her,
"Look here lady, I hope you will excuse me fer not thankin you fer
only chargin me 55% interest on my money for a lousy week. I don't reely
feel like you've done anything for me, y'know what I mean?! I still got
ripped of royally!!"
How in th world can those mutherfuckers get away with that? Is that one
of th perks of livin in th GREATEST CAPITALISTIC COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?
Would some one pleeeze explain that to me?
Subject: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Date: Saturday, December 12, 2009 1:57 PM
Last winter, we lost our power here in th neighborhood for a while. Now,
on a dark and stormy night when th lights go off everywhere, no ambient
light coming from anywhere.... it gets pitch black. You cannot see yer
hand in front of yer face. Complete total, black darkness!! So, when th
power went off, I had no flashlight; didn't even have a candle. So, I
jus sat here in the inky blackness and waited for th power to come back
on. Do you know how boring it is to sit with absolutely nothing to do?
All sense of sight completely gone, no noise of any kind going on either.....
and worst of all, no booze or dope in th crib. And you have to sit there
with only yourself for company, and only your own thoughts to occupy you.
And it's even worse if ya happen to be a dim-witted moron like myself,
with only th occasional, coherent thought flickerin in my brain. Oh man,
what a drag! I finally got up and drove around, just out of sheer boredom.
So, this year I decided to be prepared. I bought myself a small, 4 battery
operated electric lantern with a fluorescent bulb bulb. And altho it's
not real bright, it does illuminate a room. One could even read by it.
I know Abe Lincoln got by with nothing more than candle light, and he
went on to bigger things....so I guess it'll be good enuff for me, eh.
Altho, come to think of it, since th authorities won't even let me own
a gun, I don't guess they're gonna let me be President either. Well fuck
em, I didn't want th job anyway! Let some one like Sarah Palin whose more
qualified assume th responsibilities. She'll know what to do if Putin
rears his ugly head; hope ya noticed that durin her couple years as Governor
of Alaska, we were never invaded by the Russkies. But then, y'know, she
had to quit the Governor's gig to cash in on her new found celebrity status
by having some one write a book for her and making speaking engagements
for big-time money. And she did it all for the good peoples of Alaaaska....
up there. Scuuse me, I kinda got off track for a moment. I can't help
it...that bitch jus inspires me so much!!
Well anyway, now that I'm ready and prepared I'm jus hangin round th crib.
I'm so excited lookin forward with great anticipation for th next blackout.
Oh, my neighbors are gonna be so envious as they stumble around in th
darkness, crackin their shins on th coffee table, when they look over
at my crib and see that faint light in my windows.
"Hey Martha, looky here. The loony guy has Light!"
I wouldn't be surprised if some of em didn't decide that this might be
a good time to come over and introduce themselves! After all, I have been
livin here fer ten years now. And yet, still, no one has welcomed me to
th hood. Hey, y'know what tho, when they do show up, wantin me to share
some of my Light... I'm jus gonna tell em before I slam th door,
"Sorry, but I'm readin a good book right now and then I'm going to
play some Solitaire so I really don't have any time to socialize."
And as they trudge dejectedly back to their crib somewhere out there in
th blackness, I might add, jus to give em some hope and let em know I'm
not a total recluse,
"Mebbe some other time when I'm not so busy, eh!? Ya'll have a nice
evening now, y'heah!"
Of course, that attitude is jus reserved for my stuck up neighbors. Youse
guys are always welcome here. Jus remember;
BYOB & D.
P.S. This all kinda reminds me of th night th lights went out in Georgia.
1960.....There I was, 19 years old, hustlin encyclopedias door to door,
crashin in this cheap, rundown dive of a hotel in downtown Atlanta called,
oddly enuff, The Ritz. Back in th '30s it was th classiest hotel in Atlanta,
y'know, but this was 30 years later, and it was down on it's luck too,
jus like th denizens who lived there. And it was on a street that was
only 2 blocks long called Luckie Street! Ha ha No jive. Th Irony of that
never failed to amuse me... still does. And it was in th summer, hotter
than a mo-fo, my overhead fan was goin full tilt boogie, wobblin like
crazy above my bed and th red blinking neon light outside my window was
buzzin and doin it's "blinking neon light thing", y'know, a
scene outta every film noir ya've ever seen and th giant Georgia cockroaches
were crawlin about, flexin their muscles, chins stuck out, darin anybody
to mess with em....... when suddenly.... without warning, I was plunged
into sheer darkness and almost simultaneously, there was a loud knock,
knock, knocking on my door, but not what ya'd mistake fer a friendly knock,
y'know what I mean, but more in th nature of a ferocious pounding. Oh
man, it reely startled th hell outta me and I immediately wondered if
a certain bookie who I had "met" a couple weeks before had finally
run me to ground and there was a connection with th sudden disappearance
of th lights and so I............
Subject: A QUESTION
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 9:26 PM
OK ya'll, this baffles me.
Why is it that the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST CAPITALISTIC
COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, owes CHINA, THE LARGEST COMMUNIST
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD 800 HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS?
And now, because of Obama's utterly stupid, insane decision to send more
troops to Afghanistan, soon to be even more in debt to them! If Capitalism
is the best Economic System, why are we up to our eyeballs in debt to
a bunch of (GASP) COMMIES? Yeah, yeah, I know, th question is near HERESY....
traitorous, un-American at least, but still... I wonder why?
Hey! All you WAl-Mart shoppers out there, Keep It Up ya'll. With every
purchase you make there of their Chinese goods, you're only speedin up
our further decline, cuz they don't sell anything made in the USA anymore,
cuz all our Capitalistic Corporations, y'know, th ones we worship, whose
only god is THE BOTTOM LINE, y'know, that PROFIT thing, well, they gave
up that Manufacturing Gig some time back. Fuck a bunch of Industry! Not
enuff profit, y'dig.
P.S. If ya ever considered learnin a new language, I would recommend Mandarin.
And if the idea of learnin a new language doesn't appeal to ya, then I
would suggest ya make yer kids learn it. It'll come in awful handy when
they have problems with their landlord.
Subject: LETTERS TO THE EDITORS
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 4:18 PM
This last Thursday I read a letter to the editor in th Star.
This guy was complaining that he didn't like th architecture of The Museum
of Modern Art in Rome!! That would be Rome, Italy, mind you! Now, over
th years, th Star has published a dozen or so of my letters.
I always thought it was kinda cool, that they would run my letters considering
how many they must get everyday.
But when I read this letter, it kinda put things in perspective. I mean,
they're runnin a letter of a guy writing about how he doesn't like th
architecture of a Museum in Rome?! How many fucking peoples in this town
give a shit about th architecture of The Museum of Modern Art in Rome
anyway?? Is this something that peoples in KC are concerned about? I don't
think so kids!! Sheeit, most peoples here in KC don't give a shit about
our own museum, so why in th fuck does th Star run a letter about
a guy's opinion about a museum in Fucking Rome? Huh?
So...th moral of th story here is; if ya should ever want to get a letter
published in th Star, don't be shy, don't worry bout whether
it's pertinent to anything at all or not, don't worry bout whether any
one gives a shit; go ahead............. write about any damned thing ya
want to, it doesn't matter; they'll publish it!! Did'ja have a flat tire
one time back in '83 drivin thru Wyoming? Send yer account to th Star,
and read about it three days later.
Subject: # 1 ON THE NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 2:51 AM
A couple weeks ago, a friend gave me a couple books for my birthday. One
of them is called Twilight. Maybe you've heard of it? I heartedly
recommend it...... well lemme clarify that jus a bit, what I mean is.......
if ya happen to be an impressionable 12-15 year old gurl!! As fer myself,
I've managed to get thru 367 of th 498 pages, and at this point I can
only say, "Basta!". Pleeeze! No mas!! And altho I don't know
how it ends.....frankly my dear, I don't give a Damn! I only read this
far, cuz I felt an obligation to check it out since it was a gift, y'know
what I mean!? And this book is Number One on th New Yawk Times
Bestseller list? Sheeit, is this kinda crap what appeals to th American
readin public? On th back cover it sez this,
"The world's most popular vampire novelist since Ann Rice."
Sheeit! Gimme me a break. This woman Stephenie Meyer can't hold a candle
to Ann Rice. This is more like a vampire book by Danielle Steele written
fer 8th grade gurls. Now, there's nothin wrong with a book written fer
8th grade gurls, in and of itself, but how in th hell does it warrant
all th hoopla I've heard about it, all th commotion and hype, and then
make it to # I on th best seller list? Thas what's got me baffled!
In brief, we have a story about a coven of vampires, one of whom falls
in love with th 17-year-old Bella Swan. Now, thas strictly against th
Vampire Code, but what th hell these aren't yer typical vampires here
anyway. See, fer one thing, this particular clan of vampires doesn't hunt
Humans. Nah, they limit their blood lust strictly to animals. Edward,
thas Bella's vampire heartthrob fr'instance, prefers mountain lions, while
his brother prefers bears. Y'know, it's kinda like some peoples prefer
hamburgers and others prefer hot dawgs! I'm in th hot dawg camp myself!
But listen, these vampires are very hip and au courant, at least from
an ecological perspective, cuz, like, they don't eat animals on th endangered
species list. Ha ha
I'm not smokin ya! Now reely, how many vampires do ya know, who are that
aware of their impact on th environment, and who try not to alter th delicate
balance of Nature? Not so very many I would bet!! I don't think yer average
blood-suckin vampire usually gives a shit about issues such as that, eh?!
So, jus keep that all in mind if ya have some preconceived prejudices
against vampires in general, cus all vampires are not created equally,
y'dig!! So, don't be jumpin to any hasty conclusions, OK!?
Oh yeah, one other thing, Bella, our heroine, is 17 years old. Now I'm
not exactly sure what th age of consent to become a vampire is in th state
of Washington, but havin become somewhat familiar with Edward, he doesn't
strike me as th kind of vampire who would intentionally flaunt th law,
so I'm sure it must be cool!
And check this out boyz n gurlz, at th back of th book is a ten point
discussion page. Ha ha, No jive! Y'know, jus some things to contemplate.
Like, question # 2 asks this,
2. Bella faints at the smell of blood. If she were to become a vampire,
how might this serve as a hindrance? How might it be an asset?
Isn't that waaay cool! I mean, how many books do ya read that have a discussion
page at th end? Boy, that reely gets ya to thinkin, huh?! Mebbe we could
all meet over at Meagan's and discuss some of these issues? Gosh gurlz,
wouldn't that be swell to do at our next sleep over!
OK, so we got Twilight fer th young gurlz. But, like I said,
I got two books and th other book I got is one we can All enjoy! I can
say this with some assurance, even tho I haven't started it yet, cus it's
about th invasion of Normandy on D-Day and of course, Everybody likes
to read a good WAR book, eh!! This would be a good place to do some high-fivin!
C'mon....gimme five!! Y'know, a book full of Heroes and battles and blood
and guts and stuff like that. Fuck a bunch of love story crap about a
teenage twit and a vampire; I wanna read about tanks and machine guns
and air planes and cool stuff like that!! Are ya with me? Gimme a big,
loud YEAH.... followed by a resounding high-five!!
Subject: THE MYSTERY OF THE SQUEAKING FAN
Date: Wednesday, December 9, 2009 6:40 PM
Last nite I was sittin there in th bar when I heard this squeaking noise.
I was wonderin where it was comin from, and then it stopped. Jus a few
seconds later, I heard it again tho, but jus briefly, and then it stopped
again. Th next time I heard it, it was louder this time, and suddenly
I realized it was an overhead fan, which was on high speed. This fan was
reely spinnin, and it would squeak, and stop, and then start again. And
th fookin thing was almost right over my head. I began to worry it might
crash down on me any second. This kinda stuff happens too, I know from
This very thing happened to me a few years ago, right here in th crib,
so I wasn't jus bein paranoid. See, I had gotten up off th sofa and was
walkin back to my bedroom and decided to turn on my overhead fan in my
dining room. So, as I walked by, I hit th switch on th wall, and immediately
heard this reely loud crashin sound; it was like an explosion! Scared
th shit outta me!! I immediately dropped into a crouch and instinctively
covered my head, whirlin about tryin to figure out what th hell had jus
happened? My first reaction was;
"Why in th fuck-all are those Islamic Fascists Terrorists bombing
me? What th hell did I do?"
Well, after I recovered from th initial shock, I looked around and discovered
my overhead metal fan had crashed down onto this round formica table that
was directly underneath it, breaking some knickknacks and dishes that
had been stacked there, knockin th table over, sendin it crashin to th
floor too with th plates and everything! Th damned thing had jus missed
my head by inches. I had seen it wobblin before, but heck, I've lived
under other wobblin fans in various other places without incident, so
I never checked it to see jus how secure it was. And shoot, I had had
it on jus a bit earlier in th day and had turned it off, but evidently
it had been ready to fall, it was jus barely hangin there becuz all it
had taken to dislodge it was that tiny surge of electricity when I had
hit that switch!! Man, that damned fan was heavy too. Had it caught me
in th head, well, I dunno, I've often wondered what th result woulda been?
I'm thinkin, it woulda been none too good tho!!
OK, flash-forward back to th bar. So....I knew from my own experience
that these things do happen!! Now, here in th bar, I was thinkin, Deja
Vu! But, since th fan wasn't wobblin tho, I figured it was prolly OK......until.....
all of a sudden, it got reely loud. Sheeit, I was thinkin, mebbe I oughta
tell th bartender to shut it down before it smashed into some one's head,
y'know, like, some one sittin right under it, like ME fr'instance!! I
was tryin to get his attention, and then I heard it and it was even louder
this time, but th sound had changed. It was different this time! It didn't
sound like a high, pitched squeaky fan anymore, and thas when I looked
down a few stools and saw this gurl throwin her head back and laffin!
Godam, sheeit, piss, sunuvabitch! Alla time, that squeaky noise was comin
from this chik's reely goofy laugh. And all that time I was sittin there
waitin far that fan to fall on my head. And her boyfriend was jus keepin
her in stitches too!! Every time he opened his mouth, she let out this
high pitched squeaky laff. He musta been one funny dude, cuz everything
he said caused her to laff!
I wished I had had a small tape recorder with me, so I coulda captured
that sound and played it fer her and her boyfriend, jus to let em know,
in case they didn't already, that she sounded jus like a squeaky fan and
how annoyin it reely was! I wanted to pull Her aside at least, and warn
her that she needed to curtail her laughter a bit, lest some one be squirtin
her with some WD-40! But, I decided not to. I figured she would misunderstand
my intentions, and prolly be insulted and then she would have her boyfriend
punch me in th nose, and as I heard th sound of my cartilage squashing,
I would no doubt also be hearin that squeaky laff thru my pain. And this
time, she would really mean it too.
So, I held my tongue!!