joe dreck
December, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, can walk on staples while
resisting the longings of a woman from Alaska.

Email capt.dreck@gmail.com

Subject: A SECRET ADMIRER
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:29 PM

OK ya'll, do I have a bizarre story for you! This is jus too weird and it's gonna blow yer mind! Now, I don't know if you knew it or not, but to put it in polite language, I don't much care for Sarah Palin. I have written some stuff about her before, but I'm not sure if I ever actually said, "I don't like Sarah Palin". Now, those of you who are a bit more perceptive than the average yahoo tho might have picked up some subtle clues between th lines, that I'm not favorably inclined in her direction.

And that's why this is so strange! Check this out: just a little while ago, I got my mail, and there was a hand written letter in my mailbox. It didn't have a return address on it and altho it was addressed to me, it had the wrong street address on it, but in spite of that, it still made it to my crib. Figuring it was from some one I knew, my interest was piqued so I opened it immediately. You will never guess in a million years what was in the envelope? OK, are you ready for this?

It was the cover page of the November 23rd issue of Newsweek with Sarah Palin on the cover....and it's signed,

Merry Xmas Captain
xoxo
Sarah,


And you know those x's and o's mean, "hugs and kisses" don'cha? Who woulda thought Sarah had a crush on me, eh? Damn, isn't that a hoot?! Obviously, she prolly hasn't read any of the stuff I've written about her? Or, if she has, she must be really smitten with me, huh! Of course, with Sarah, there's the strong possibility that the gurl can't even read to begin with. Ya recall how Katie Couric had her stammerin and stallin, hemmin and hawwin, when asked what she read!

But gosh, this unexpected development has me in a quandary. Now, I'm kinda torn. Becuz I have my standard, y'know. I have my personal Principles and Ethics to consider. I mean, one can't deny th gurl is attractive, y'know, even if she is dumber than a can of tuna. And of course, we're politically opposites. I view her as a trash can of lunatic, right-wing tea baggers! On the other hand, I'm a left-wing, liberal, socialist bastard. So, therein lies th dilemma.

But sheeit, opportunities like this don't fall into one's lap every day now, do they? In spite of her obvious flaws, she does have a certain "star quality" which I might could take advantage of. Y'know, like, what with myself bein unemployed and all, and then, consider all th cash she's rakin in off her book.....hmmmmm. Food fer thought, eh? I could mebbe duct tape her mouth ...... well, most of th time anyway. hehe That would certainly help th situation. I mean, imagine listenin to her all th time.... and tryin to decipher what she's sayin? Mebbe I could hire that guy who works fer Stephen Hawking and he could translate her gibberish into something I could understand? Is that possible? Or, might I just as well ask fer th moon?
But, mebbe I could help her there?! Like, with some of the tuff interviewers she will have to face in th next few years, like Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. Whew! Oh man. And then, there's Larry King, boy, he can be a real meanie! We could tell that hard assed Katie Couric to take a hike down there along th Klondike and while she's at it, to take those trick questions of hers and stick em where the Alasskan sun don't shine!

Then, after she's elected in 2012, I could be The First Dude. Y'know, havin peoples openin doors fer me, and fixin me foods when ever I took a hankerin to eat, and doin my laundry, tryin to crash parties jus so they could shake hans with me. I could have my minions keepin my Caddy all waxed and shined all th time, while I relaxed out there on th lawn in th evenings, drinkin my Bud and sparkin up a doobie. And hey, y'know what else? I'll bet as Numero Uno Dude, I could cop some rilly righteous Herb too. Sheeit, I'll bet I could get ol Karzai to score me some of that Primo Black Afhgani hash we all love, cuz I know he's got some good connections there.

But man, I dunno! Like, if I did all that and became that person; who would I be then? I mean....... is it worth it to surrender yer Soul fer Fame and Fortune? What to do? Which way to go?

But, ya know what? I don't think so! Nah...... sheeit, I guess I'm gonna have to tell Sarah that it's a No Go.... that I'm takin an El Paso! Oh sure....it'll be tuff!!

But she'll get over it.....ÚÚ eventually!

th cap'm


 

Subject: CHRISTMAS CHEER
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 2:37 AM

Oh boy, Christmas caroling gone insane. When I went into th bar last Saturday nite out there at Bobby Baker's, they were really crowded, jammed to overflowing, but my timin was perfect as I luckily got a place to sit at th bar. They were all in th midst of singing Christmas carols and were being led by a guy in a Santa outfit. This was a pretty organized affair. He had distributed lyrics to everyone, but I, being th curmudgeon I am, passed when offered my set. It was ridiculously loud. People were competing with each other to yell out this crap as loudly and as off-key as they could, and there were some really loud peoples there too. Loud booming voices!! Yeah, evidently th louder and more off-key you were, th more FUN it was, and by those standards, those folks were having a blast! Just about every one in th joint was participating. But fer myself, it was awful! I was pretty much solo in my complete indifference to it all. As a matter of fact it was all I could do to refrain from shoutin out.

"WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLES SHUT TH FUCK UP!!

But y'know, what th hell; it's Christmas! And th dumbest part of it was, they were singing some risque lyrics to that song, sheeit, I don't know th name, but th lyrics go, "On the first day of Christmas, my true love said to me.....blah, blah blah...." y'know th one I mean, and as Santa would sing out that part, others in different sections would sing out th responses, and each time they sang out one of these raunchy lyrics, they would all guffaw and giggle and twitter at th sheer naughtiness of it all. teehee Godam, I felt like I had gone back in time to mebbe th 5th or 6th grade or somethin. I fully expected some one to throw a condom across th room. Boy, there woulda been some giggling at that!!

And you know how many verses there are to that song? Oh god, I wanted to puke all over th bar. I don't know how long it took, but it seemed like an Eternity. Then they did Jingle Bells, then they did some semi-religious songs, y'know, like th one, "Christ the Savior is born." and others of that ilk. Now, I'm not a religiously oriented person myself, but I wondered if any of them thought for a second about a bunch of drunken fools in a bar blasting out songs of Praise to th Baby Jesus. It just seemed kinda weird to me. It would be kinda like dancing at a funeral. OOOPS...Oh wait, never mind that analogy, cuz I've been to a few Irish funerals before! Ha ha

Finally after bout an hour, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, it went on that long; they grew tired and I guess th novelty of singing Christmas songs in a bar with a bunch of drunken galoots finally, thank god, wore thin. And altho still crowded and noisy as hell, one could sit and drink quietly, which is all I wanted to do. That's why I went there!

Now, I admit, I'm not a joiner in organized fun. Never have been. When I was younger and others were playing drinking games, I said,

"Fuck a bunch of drinking games and a bunch of chanting. Drink! Drink! Drink! Thas bullshit. I'm just going to drink, period!"

I don't get real enthusiastic in groups. I tend to stay quiet and on th sidelines. When others about me are all jumpin up and down over some sports event, yellin and whoopin, as th result of some play, I'm jus quietly watchin, never bouncin up out of my chair once, in either in glee or despair.

Now, I am well aware of these faults of mine, really..... but I make no apology, cus actually, I don't give a shit! Y'know what I mean! As much as peoples decry my lack of enthusiasm, I look equally askance at their compliance of what they think they're supposed to do. A lotta peoples think that if yer not yellin and shoutin at th top of yer lungs at th every banal, mundane thing goin on around you, then yer not havin FUN!! I mean, they think if yer havin FUN like yer supposed to, then ya need to yell, and scream, and be obnoxious, so others around ya will know you know how to have fun too. And they can tell how much FUN yer havin by th volume of yer voice. Th louder ya are, th more FUN yer havin!

OK, so then..... at Christmas time, you need to sing out as loudly and off-key as possible to let others know, that you can be jus a stupid as yer supposed to be.....otherwise peoples will wonder, "Hey ese, whassa matter wit chu?"

Well, like I said, I know I'm not a fun guy, but it's OK. I jus went to th bar to get drunk! And I did. And I didn't have to play no stupid drinking game to do it either!

th cap'm


 

Subject: ROSETTA STONE
Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 12:06 AM

I heard on th radio earlier today about a new language learning system called, ROSETTA STONE. They claim that this is th easiest, fastest way to learn a new language. Th guy on th ad said that, "in ten minutes you can be speaking a new language". WOW! That is fast, huh! Ten minutes! Whew! Do ya think he was jivin us? Do ya think he was stretching th truth there a bit?

But heck, if that's true, in just one hour's time, I could learn to speak, like, six different languages. In th first 40 minutes I could learn Canadian, British, Australian, and Bermudan. Then I could learn to speak Spanish, so I could chastise those illegal Spaniard immigrants sneaking across my yard at night.

And in th last ten minutes, I could learn Ancient Sumerian just in case I decide to become an archeologist in my later years and needed to read some ancient Sumerian magazines.

Six languages in one hour. That's pretty fuckin cool, eh!!

But hey, ya know what would be reely cool? What if, like, six of us enrolled in th Rosetta Stone Classes, y'know, fer like one hour and we so we all learned six different languages, y'dig, and so then........when we went into a saloon and each person was speakin in th 6 languages...... that's like, 36 languages amongst us, and man.....y'know, we could all order our drinks in 36 different languages....and it would jus freak out th bartender....wouldn't that be cool!

th cap'm

P.S. If anyone's interested in bein a Rosetta Stoner with me too, ya know how to contact me. But jus remember tho, when ya approach me...watch fer th signal....if I put my hand up to adjust my hat...jus keep walkin!... don't say nothin!...don't make eye contact!... we don't know each other!! But.... if I jam my right left index finger up my right nostril....that means......every thing's cool! If ya stop and think about it, you can prolly understand th subtle significance of that "left" finger jammin up that right nostril, meanin "every thing's cool" eh, without me havin to explain it?! Course, there's lotsa other secret signals too, but we can discuss those later in our different languages. Like, if we were rappin to each other in Yanomani, prolly no one else would know what we were talkin about. Wouldn't that be cool!!


 

Subject: A MODEST TALE OF BRAVERY AND COURAGE
Date: Monday, December 21, 2009 6:27 PM

Ok ya'll, lemme jus say right off th bat, I'm not totally comfortable tellin this story cuz I'm not th kinda guy to toot his own horn and I have always found braggarts and vain, conceited blow hards to be JERKS! But I think some times, tales of Courage and Bravery should be told around th campfire, even if one must tell them hisself, so our youth will have some role models. Sometimes these kinda tales can be Inspirational for th masses, encouragin them to persevere in spite of daunting hurdles. Anyway, I jus wanted ya'll to know that I am a modest and humble kinda dude, who doesn't necessarily deserve all th accolades and honors ya would like to bestow me ...... OK!?

Aw'right, earlier today, as I was walkin around th crib here barefoot, I felt a sharp stinging sensation in my right foot. I didn't pay much attention to it at th time; I jus figured I'd stepped on a Black Widow or somethin. So, I went on about my business, but steppin real carefully, not puttin too much pressure on th ball of my foot. I ran errands and stuff all afternoon, walkin about rather awkwardly th whole time. I'm tellin ya duke, it was most uncomfortable.

By th time I got home, it was pretty painful. I decided to check it out and when I went to take my sock off, OUCH! ooh it hurt. I looked and realized that th reason my foot was hurtin was because there was a staple in it. Sheeit. No wonder th pain. I'd been walkin around all day with a staple in my foot. (if ya wanna go OOOOOOH here, go ahead, indulge yerself) Evidently I had stepped on it earlier in th day, rather than some kind of poisonous insect. Th area around th staple was all red and sensitive to th touch.

Naturally my first reaction was to call 911 fer an ambulance to take me to th Emergency Room. But then I got to thinkin...y'know, how could I take up space on ambulance, when there might be others out there suffering from gun shot wounds to th head, and torso and so on? And then, th poor Ambulance company, how could I beat them outta th $1,000 dollars it would cost them to transport me the 8 blocks to th hospital, since I couldn't pay that.

And then too ..... I got to thinkin bout takin up space in th Emergency Room and how those impoverished hospitals, who are only chargin $1,500-2000 fer a visit there are strugglin to survive, cuz that $5,000 bucks a nite they are chargin their payin customer jus barely pays th light bills. And seein as how I'm one of those deadbeats who have no insurance cuz I can't afford it, I would only be addin to their burden. Nah, it jus didn't seem right that I might cause some delay in some poor lawyer's ingrown toenail treatment. I couldn't in all conscience do that.

So, I figured th only honorable thing fer me to do was; tuff it out myself!! I knew I was in fer a world of hurt, so I started makin preparations in advance of th comin ordeal. First thing I did was gobble down some oxycodones. Then I fetched a small plastic tub outta th kitchen, also a bratwurst, and retrieved my industrial tweezers outta a drawer. I went in th bathroom and sat on th stool, and crossed my leg, lookin at th staple there in my foot. Th skin around it was swollen and painful to th touch. I positioned my leg so my foot was over th tub to catch th torrent of blood that was sure to pour out.
I put that bratwurst between my teeth in anticipation of th pain. I used those tweezers to get a grip on th staple.....now here boyz n gurlz, jus so ya get an idea of what was about to happen, y'know how in th movies where they gotta dig a bullet outta a guys shoulder or somethin.... well this was what that was like....grabbin ahold of that staple...Ooooweee.... and then, jus before I yanked that dude out...and here again, y'know how in th movies where they gotta take an arrow or a spear or somethin like that outta a guy... well, this was what that was gonna be like ........ I took a deep breath.......paused.... exhaled....... and yanked it out---- YEEEEOOOOOOOW! I clamped down so hard on th bratwurst, bro, I bit clean thru it. I almost passed out...my eyelids fluttered... beads of sweat droppin off my nose...I gasped, tryin to catch my breath and held that staple up and looked at it gleaming in th light. I looked down at my foot and was actually surprised, cuz th river of blood never materialized. There was jus a small blotch on th tissue about th size of a match head, so as it turns out, I didn't need th tub after all, but hey......it always pays to be prepared, knowhutahmsayin.

Now, I'm jus layin here on th sofa recuperatin, those damned oxycodones jus now kickin in......I'm a bit woozy, havin a hard time with keyboard, strugglin to finish here. Well, anyway, if ya wanna tell yer chirrun about my heroics, it's OK, but do me a favor eh? Don't be exaggeratin or embellishin th story, aw'right. Don't try and make me out to be a BIG HERO, OK?!

th cap'm


 

Subject: Op-Ed Columnist - Tiger Woods, Person of the Year - NYTimes.com
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 11:27 PM

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/20/opinion/20rich.html?em

This is a great article by Frank Rich of the New York Times. It's about so much more though than Tiger Woods himself. As Rich points out, the Tiger Woods debacle is symbolic of so many other things that have happened in this country in the last ten years. How we blindly follow the myths that are perpetrated on us all the time, without ever questioning them, as though we have willingly taken leave of our senses, refusing to believe or acknowledge what is right in front of us. We live through times like these, going about our business, hardly paying attention, oblivious to what is actually happening all around us as though we're blind.

When you stop and think about some of the things he's observed here, this decade, from a historical perspective is probably as significant, or more so even, than the '60s! We look back on the 60's and say, "Wow! Those were crazy times, eh!" and yet this 1st decade of the Third Millennium has got to be as crazy and significant as any other ten year period in our history!!

If you have the time, read this article, even if for no other reason than to get a another perspective on Tiger Woods, although, godam, who really gives a shit about Tiger Woods?

th cap'm


 

Subject: NPR Media Player
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 4:23 PM

Ok ya'll, my buddy Mike th G sent this to me. I found it to be hilarious. I think you will too. Take a couple minutes from th hustle and bustle and relax and have a chuckle or two.

th cap'm

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=5066175&m=5066408


 

Subject: Fwd: Alan Keyes Video A MUST WATCH VIDEO
Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009 3:13 AM

OK ya'll, a buddy of mine sent this to me. Check it out. My reply to him is at th bottom.

Subject: FW: Alan Keyes Video A MUST WATCH VIDEO

THIS VIDEO SHOULD SHOW THE RACE BAITERS LIKE JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON, LOUIS FARAKAN, REV. WRIGHT, AND ALL THE OTHER THUGS WHO SCREAM RACIAL DISCRIMINATION EVERY TIME NEGATIVE COMMENTS ARE MADE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE THAT THERE IS ALSO BLACK PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THIS IGNORANT BLACK MUSLIM THUG WE HAVE SITTING IN THE WHITE HOUSE. ALAN KEYES HAS IT RIGHT WE GOT TO GET THIS MAN OUT OF OFFICE AND THE SOONER THE BETTER.

alan_keyes.wmv

Oh man ---, I don't think I have ever heard anybody as stupid as this mutherfucker! Nobody! Anywhere! This Idiot makes Rush and Glenn look like regular, ordinary sane people!

I mean, really, is there anything this fucking moron said that you agree with? The arguments about him not being an American have been so widely discredited, even among people like John McCain, and others, as being completely false, it's hardly worth mentioning. Only a stupid fucking moron like Sarah Palin would even bother to bring it up any more.
I mean, I can understand people not liking Obama. I hardly endorse anything he's done so far myself; he's been a disappointment to me, that's for sure. But this kind of crap is just too ridiculous to even give a moment's thought to. Why doesn't the fucker just claim he's SATAN himself? Wouldn't be any dumber!!

And compared to Geo. Bush? Damn! He's the fuck who ran this country into the ground! You remember he was the guy to give out the first 800 billion dollars in stimulus funds! No questions asked. And we don't even have the slightest idea of where it went either? I have no doubt that History will show that Bush was the worst President we have ever had! No one has ever done more harm to this country than him!! A rich oil man's pampered son who failed at everything he's ever done, before becoming President, where he failed miserably too.

And this fuckhead, Alan Keyes, needs to be put in a place where he can get some help! These are the ravings of a fucking madman!!

Alan Keyes? Who in the fuck is he? Just because he's a black guy saying all this crap, that's supposed to give him credibility? Nah, I don't think so. He's just another Insane fuckhead! He says Obama is a radical Communist? He says he's going to destroy this country? He says if we don't stop him the United States is going to cease to exist? He says we are in the midst of the greatest crises this nation has ever seen! Forget the Civil War. Forget Pearl Harbor. Forget 9/11, yeah right, they were nothing compared to an Obama Presidency? haha Sheeit. He says if we don't deal with it we will find ourselves in the midst of Chaos, Confusion and Civil War. On and on! Oh shit, gimme a fucking break! !If these aren't the ravings of a delusional, insane demagogue, I don't know what would be?

At least, that's the way I see it. Of course, I could be wrong...... but in this case, I don't think so!!

th cap'm


 

Subject: RETELLING OF PAST ADVENTURES
Date: Thursday, December 17, 2009 3:09 PM

OK, ya'll, I want ya to keep in mind th stuff below was written some ten years ago. Sometimes it's interesting to go back to one's earlier years and see where yer head was at then? Back in those times, I was just another shallow youth. I kinda chuckle at my immaturity and barely concealed misogynistic attitudes back then when I re-read some of these things. I look back now and can see how I've matured and grown as a person and the strides I've made. I crossed that bridge almost a decade ago and now I'm just another typical Third Millennium Dude, chanting with th rest of em,

"Power to th Sistuhs and Fuck th Glass Ceiling!!"

Aw'right now gurls, remember, don't be holdin this against me cuz this was written back in '99. That was then....... Today of course, I'm a different guy with modern hip attitudes. I'm sure after reading this, you will instantly recognize that th person who wrote this barely resembles th cap'm yer familiar with these days.

--------------------------------------
Feb. 19th, 1999

Ya ever notice the dearth of female hunters? Gurls jus don't seem to enjoy goin afield in search of game! Why is that, do you suppose? I think it may be becuz they weren't properly trained in childhood like a lot of us guys were. Like, take myself fr'instance, early on, I honed my hunting skills as a young boy, armed only with a Daisy Red Ryder Repeater and my trusty Boy Scout knife, pitting myself against the wily sparrow. After word of my hunting prowess spread, it didn't take too long before the avian community shunned the tree in my back yard all together, forcing me to go further afield, to my next door neighbor's yard in quest of game.

Soon, I was known and feared throughout the 'hood'. Now see, I guess a lot of gurls didn't have those kinds of 'early-life experiences'. There was obviously neglect there. Yeah, fer sure! They were no doubt too busy playing with their dolls and such and playing 'dress up'......... much as they're still doing today I venture. However it occurred to me just recently, like,
"Why can't we all just get together, y'know?"

So, after pondering this notion for a while, I sent this ad into to the "Personals" which I have never done before, looking for that 'special someone' to fill that void in my life.........here's the ad I submitted,

"SWM Hunter. Looking for intelligent like minded, nurturing female, race not an issue, who shares my Passion for Stalking, Killing and Gutting wild critters such as squirrels, rabbits, cats, dogs, cows, etc, etc. Must be a caring, sensitive individual with large breasts who is willing to step in the gore and but who is also willing to foray to the art gallery or perhaps to the local bookstore when we're not occupied out in 'the killing fields'. Please send a large color photo of your current weapons system to Capt. Hoohah, Great White Hunter at Large."

Well sheeit, it's been two long weeks now and I've been waiting breathlessly by the phone and I haven't had a single fucking response. Sheeeit. What's up with that? You try and be a sensitive 90's kind of guy by 'reaching out' and trying to 'share' and what does it get you?.........Nada, amigos!!......... Nada a fucking thing!! Shunned once again. How many times must one endure such treatment in life, I ask you?? It's enough to make one's bile flow like the Nile during the rainy season, you know whut ahm sayin? Well enuff of this rancor and bitterness. And besides, who's bitter anyway!! Who Me? Nah, I'm not bitter!

Oh, by the way, as long as I'm talking about hunting, I am going to share a recollection of happier times with you. Maybe you recall I wrote of this just last month. This can only be described as an is an uplifting account of what was 'a superb day'. The hunters among you will relate and appreciate this.Tue, Jan 19, 1999, Loose Park Duck Caper.........
I just got an E-Mail from a friend of mine about a hunting trip he just got back from. It seems that Bucky and a couple of friends went out on a nasty, cold, rainy morning in search of some game. It didn't sound
like much of a fun hunting day to me; rather it sounded like a miserable four hour trip from hell with no results, except for the sighting of a German Shepard, which, incidentally...... they missed! Myself, I approach the hunting experience with a different attitude.

Like, the last time I went hunting, I leisurely started off the day early in the morning around 10:30, down at the Classic Cup, in the Country Club Plahza District, with a hearty breakfast of some eggs Benedict, a spinach and cheese quiche, and a robust cup of Lite almond mocha cappuccino. It's good to have a full stomach when one goes out on a strenuous adventure such as this. Then I got into the Town Car and headed two blocks south on Wornall to the 'killing fields', sometimes known as the Loose Park Duck and Goose Pond. I retrieved my various supplies from the trunk including, a most comfortable folding lawn chair and some pre-mixed cocktails.

There were approximately 35 to 40 Duck/Geese critters honking and squawking about, as though they didn't have a care in the world. SURPRISE! haha (note: I had forgotten my Audubon Field Guide, which accounts for the uncertainty in identification) Well, in any case. I set up my communications system with my hunting partner Capt. Gunther Bohunk. We had decided on using the A-10 'Warthog' as our weapon of choice. Although it's primary mission is that of "tank killer" and it was originally designed back during the Cold War to counter Soviet tanks invading into Western Europe through the Fulda gap, we found that it also adapted to the role of 'Goose Killer' very nicely. Using those twin 40 mm mini-guns in the nose, firing a depleted uranium round at a combined rate of 200 rounds a second, it makes a formidable anti-Duck/Goose weapon. Well, you know, if it'll take out a tank, you can pretty much figure what it'll do to a goose, eh. With this baby you never find yourself saying,

"Hey, I think I may have winged him"

Well anyway, I unfolded and lay back in my lawn chair, making myself comfortable, taking a few sips of my Blue Magoo, figured out the coordinates, cranked up the communications system, relayed the data to Bo, and gave him the Go signal. But dammit, I don't know why, obviously some miscommunication no doubt, becuz on his first pass he came in too high and missed the whole damned pond altogether..... although he did take out the top three floors of the apartments flanking the park. No problema! This happens sometimes in the hunting game; sometimes you miss! Sometimes there may be a bit of collateral damage, it can't be helped. No matter. We're only Human after all. I can write letters of condolence to the survivors later on in the week, y'know, when I'm not busy.

Well, after making a couple of minor corrections, this time making sure we were in synch, his next pass was
perfecto. With a three second burst, the whole pond erupted as though a powerful bomb had gone off there. Bits of feather and other duck related debris, drifted down for the next minute or so. It looked like it was snowing duck feathers! Man!! What a fuckin Rush!!! I'm telling you ese, there's nothing that can match the primeval feeling of Elation and Exultation when Man goes up against Nature and emerges Victorious. A Veritable Triumph of the Human Spirit. I leaped up out of my chair pumping my fist skyward screaming,

YEAAAH!!! YEAAAH!! YEAAAH!! over and over again. Man I was so pumped up!

Later that day, with the adrenalin waning, I kicked back with a few relaxing cups of some soothing herbal green tea and went ahead and composed those letters of condolences to the survivors in the apt. building. It's unfortunate that you some times have this collateral damage in the Hunting Game, but, hell, Life itself can be unfortunate sometimes. Es la Verdad, no? (in Engles--Isn't that the truth!) But....what are we going to do? Ban Hunting or something? No and No and No............I don't think so!!

And you know what, even though there were no pieces of duck left, large enough to to eat, it didn't really matter. Because that wasn't the whole point. The main thing was....THE THRILL OF THE KILL! And, what a THRILL it was!!!
_________________________________

Dec. 17, '09

Well OK, like I said, that was ten years ago. Now today, being more politically correct, paying more attention to PETA's message, using the A-10 today seems rather like Overkill and unfair to the animals. It didn't really give em much of a sporting chance. So, today, enlightened as I am, I generally use an RPG (rocket propelled grenade) or else th ol standby, th AK-47. Both highly effective.

th cap'm

P.S. If anyone is interested in goin afield with me sometime, have yer secretary get in touch with my secretary and arrange an appointment.


 

Subject: PSST, HEY YOU! NEED A HOBBY?
Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009 1:01 PM

It's rather interesting the hobbies that different peoples have, eh? Y'know, some peoples collect stamps, others collect figures of elephants, or dogs, etc. while other's build things in their wood shops. All manner of different hobbies. Perhaps you remember me tellin you that years ago I used to collect sesame seeds, eh?

Admittedly a kinda different and unusual hobby. Then, many years earlier in my youth, I used to watch birds via my binoculars. Yeh, see, I was weird even as a kid, while the other kids were learning how to swing a baseball bat, I was sneaking and creeping thru the woods, bird book in hand, spying on birds. Scoff and jeer if you must, but from what I read, today "birding" as it's now referred to, is the most popular hobby of all. But back when I was involved it was just considered "creepy". Evidently, once again I was in the Vanguard, a trendsetter, a catalyst, a leader of the pack......let's face it.... a VISIONARY, if you will. But check this out....earlier today, I met a guy with an even more odd hobby.... but I have my doubts tho, if in the future there will be lots of peoples following his lead like they did mine.

This guy collects girly pictures, y'know, what they call "pin-ups"! Now, I don't guess that's all that unusual in and of itself, altho I don't believe there are really that many other like-minded peoples, I mean, I'm not aware of any Gurly Picture Collector's Conventions going on, but......... if there are others out there such as himself, where he sets himself apart is...........he doesn't collect just any pin-ups.... nah, see, his pictures have to include a TV in the background somewhere!

Thas right, pictures of scantily clad gurls with a television some where in the picture too! Now, ya gotta admit, that's a bit unusual huh?

I wonder? Where did this guy get this idea? I mean, y'know, you're sitting around one day and suddenly from out of the depths of your mind, a thought leaks into your consciousness,

"Hey, I think from now on I'm going to start searching for and saving pictures of scantily clad gurls! Yeah, but wait a minute... I think I'll only look for pictures of gurls where there's a TV somewhere in the picture. Yeah, that's the ticket!!"
Just in case there are other dudes out there, who also like pics of gurls with TVs in close proximity, lemme know, cuz I can put you in touch with a "special friend" for yourself! Bringing peoples together! That's what I do!!

th cap'm

P.S. By the way, I still have a nice collection of sesame seeds, hardly been used, I could cut loose with for the right price. As with everything else, I'm reasonable!


 

Subject: LET'S GIVE THE BANKS SOME MORE MONEY!!
Date: Monday, December 14, 2009 7:33 PM

Godddam, I am so pissed off. When my debit card was rejected at Costco earlier today, I went to th bank to see what th problem was? It turns out that because of two checks totaling $63.00 which were overdrawn, one for $30.00 for 8 days, and th other for $33.00 for one day.......they had charged me $134.00 in overdraft fees!! I had never gotten any kind of notice that any of this was takin place. If I hadn't discovered it when I did....it woulda just kept increasin eight bucks every day.

I was none too friendly with th bank officer lady I was dealin with either. I was rantin and ravin. Th Security Guard moved from his spot near th entrance to keep a closer eye on me cuz I was on th verge of goin totally berserk on the poor woman.

Can you fucking believe this?! $134.00 in fees for 63.00 dollars worth of checks? It is more than jus Outrageous......it's....... it's GODDAM FUCKING INSANELY OUTRAGEOUS! Goddamit, I can't even express my anger and outrage!

I mean.....think about it. If I had gone to a loan shark and borrowed that $63.00 @5% a week, or 260% @ year, which is not only a usurious amount, but illegal to boot to charge that much, and yet at the end of th week, I woulda only owed him $66.15. Y'know, thas th $63.00 bucks plus th 5% weekly interest = $66.15!! A pawn shop charges you 10% a month...or 120% a year. So, after a month I woulda owed them $69.30! But I owed my bank $199.00 fucking dollars instead!

How do those mutherfuckers get away with that? They tried to charge me $134.00 in fees on $63.00 worth of checks. That's works out to a yearly rate of about 11,000 %!! Sheeit, peoples are bitchin when their credit card companies are stickin em with 20-30% rates...... how does 11,000% sound? Man, I spent an hour bitchin and screamin at her. So, after all my gripin and yellin, she reduced my fees to $35.00. WOW huh! Like, big fucking deal!! Now that means I only was charged 55% @ week! Whoopie, eh! That's only 2,800% yearly. Gosh...Gee, thanks!! And see, she was doin me a favor. I told her,

"Look here lady, I hope you will excuse me fer not thankin you fer only chargin me 55% interest on my money for a lousy week. I don't reely feel like you've done anything for me, y'know what I mean?! I still got ripped of royally!!"

How in th world can those mutherfuckers get away with that? Is that one of th perks of livin in th GREATEST CAPITALISTIC COUNTRY IN THE WORLD? Would some one pleeeze explain that to me?

th cap'm


 

Subject: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Date: Saturday, December 12, 2009 1:57 PM

Last winter, we lost our power here in th neighborhood for a while. Now, on a dark and stormy night when th lights go off everywhere, no ambient light coming from anywhere.... it gets pitch black. You cannot see yer hand in front of yer face. Complete total, black darkness!! So, when th power went off, I had no flashlight; didn't even have a candle. So, I jus sat here in the inky blackness and waited for th power to come back on. Do you know how boring it is to sit with absolutely nothing to do? All sense of sight completely gone, no noise of any kind going on either..... and worst of all, no booze or dope in th crib. And you have to sit there with only yourself for company, and only your own thoughts to occupy you. And it's even worse if ya happen to be a dim-witted moron like myself, with only th occasional, coherent thought flickerin in my brain. Oh man, what a drag! I finally got up and drove around, just out of sheer boredom.

So, this year I decided to be prepared. I bought myself a small, 4 battery operated electric lantern with a fluorescent bulb bulb. And altho it's not real bright, it does illuminate a room. One could even read by it. I know Abe Lincoln got by with nothing more than candle light, and he went on to bigger things....so I guess it'll be good enuff for me, eh. Altho, come to think of it, since th authorities won't even let me own a gun, I don't guess they're gonna let me be President either. Well fuck em, I didn't want th job anyway! Let some one like Sarah Palin whose more qualified assume th responsibilities. She'll know what to do if Putin rears his ugly head; hope ya noticed that durin her couple years as Governor of Alaska, we were never invaded by the Russkies. But then, y'know, she had to quit the Governor's gig to cash in on her new found celebrity status by having some one write a book for her and making speaking engagements for big-time money. And she did it all for the good peoples of Alaaaska.... up there. Scuuse me, I kinda got off track for a moment. I can't help it...that bitch jus inspires me so much!!

Well anyway, now that I'm ready and prepared I'm jus hangin round th crib. I'm so excited lookin forward with great anticipation for th next blackout. Oh, my neighbors are gonna be so envious as they stumble around in th darkness, crackin their shins on th coffee table, when they look over at my crib and see that faint light in my windows.

"Hey Martha, looky here. The loony guy has Light!"

I wouldn't be surprised if some of em didn't decide that this might be a good time to come over and introduce themselves! After all, I have been livin here fer ten years now. And yet, still, no one has welcomed me to th hood. Hey, y'know what tho, when they do show up, wantin me to share some of my Light... I'm jus gonna tell em before I slam th door,

"Sorry, but I'm readin a good book right now and then I'm going to play some Solitaire so I really don't have any time to socialize."

And as they trudge dejectedly back to their crib somewhere out there in th blackness, I might add, jus to give em some hope and let em know I'm not a total recluse,

"Mebbe some other time when I'm not so busy, eh!? Ya'll have a nice evening now, y'heah!"

Of course, that attitude is jus reserved for my stuck up neighbors. Youse guys are always welcome here. Jus remember;

BYOB & D.

th cap'm

P.S. This all kinda reminds me of th night th lights went out in Georgia. 1960.....There I was, 19 years old, hustlin encyclopedias door to door, crashin in this cheap, rundown dive of a hotel in downtown Atlanta called, oddly enuff, The Ritz. Back in th '30s it was th classiest hotel in Atlanta, y'know, but this was 30 years later, and it was down on it's luck too, jus like th denizens who lived there. And it was on a street that was only 2 blocks long called Luckie Street! Ha ha No jive. Th Irony of that never failed to amuse me... still does. And it was in th summer, hotter than a mo-fo, my overhead fan was goin full tilt boogie, wobblin like crazy above my bed and th red blinking neon light outside my window was buzzin and doin it's "blinking neon light thing", y'know, a scene outta every film noir ya've ever seen and th giant Georgia cockroaches were crawlin about, flexin their muscles, chins stuck out, darin anybody to mess with em....... when suddenly.... without warning, I was plunged into sheer darkness and almost simultaneously, there was a loud knock, knock, knocking on my door, but not what ya'd mistake fer a friendly knock, y'know what I mean, but more in th nature of a ferocious pounding. Oh man, it reely startled th hell outta me and I immediately wondered if a certain bookie who I had "met" a couple weeks before had finally run me to ground and there was a connection with th sudden disappearance of th lights and so I............


 

Subject: A QUESTION
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 9:26 PM

OK ya'll, this baffles me.

Why is it that the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST CAPITALISTIC COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, owes CHINA, THE LARGEST COMMUNIST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD 800 HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS?

And now, because of Obama's utterly stupid, insane decision to send more troops to Afghanistan, soon to be even more in debt to them! If Capitalism is the best Economic System, why are we up to our eyeballs in debt to a bunch of (GASP) COMMIES? Yeah, yeah, I know, th question is near HERESY.... traitorous, un-American at least, but still... I wonder why?

Hey! All you WAl-Mart shoppers out there, Keep It Up ya'll. With every purchase you make there of their Chinese goods, you're only speedin up our further decline, cuz they don't sell anything made in the USA anymore, cuz all our Capitalistic Corporations, y'know, th ones we worship, whose only god is THE BOTTOM LINE, y'know, that PROFIT thing, well, they gave up that Manufacturing Gig some time back. Fuck a bunch of Industry! Not enuff profit, y'dig.

th cap'm

P.S. If ya ever considered learnin a new language, I would recommend Mandarin. And if the idea of learnin a new language doesn't appeal to ya, then I would suggest ya make yer kids learn it. It'll come in awful handy when they have problems with their landlord.


 

Subject: LETTERS TO THE EDITORS
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 4:18 PM

This last Thursday I read a letter to the editor in th Star. This guy was complaining that he didn't like th architecture of The Museum of Modern Art in Rome!! That would be Rome, Italy, mind you! Now, over th years, th Star has published a dozen or so of my letters. I always thought it was kinda cool, that they would run my letters considering how many they must get everyday.

But when I read this letter, it kinda put things in perspective. I mean, they're runnin a letter of a guy writing about how he doesn't like th architecture of a Museum in Rome?! How many fucking peoples in this town give a shit about th architecture of The Museum of Modern Art in Rome anyway?? Is this something that peoples in KC are concerned about? I don't think so kids!! Sheeit, most peoples here in KC don't give a shit about our own museum, so why in th fuck does th Star run a letter about a guy's opinion about a museum in Fucking Rome? Huh?

So...th moral of th story here is; if ya should ever want to get a letter published in th Star, don't be shy, don't worry bout whether it's pertinent to anything at all or not, don't worry bout whether any one gives a shit; go ahead............. write about any damned thing ya want to, it doesn't matter; they'll publish it!! Did'ja have a flat tire one time back in '83 drivin thru Wyoming? Send yer account to th Star, and read about it three days later.

th cap'm


 

Subject: # 1 ON THE NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009 2:51 AM

A couple weeks ago, a friend gave me a couple books for my birthday. One of them is called Twilight. Maybe you've heard of it? I heartedly recommend it...... well lemme clarify that jus a bit, what I mean is....... if ya happen to be an impressionable 12-15 year old gurl!! As fer myself, I've managed to get thru 367 of th 498 pages, and at this point I can only say, "Basta!". Pleeeze! No mas!! And altho I don't know how it ends.....frankly my dear, I don't give a Damn! I only read this far, cuz I felt an obligation to check it out since it was a gift, y'know what I mean!? And this book is Number One on th New Yawk Times Bestseller list? Sheeit, is this kinda crap what appeals to th American readin public? On th back cover it sez this,

"The world's most popular vampire novelist since Ann Rice."

Sheeit! Gimme me a break. This woman Stephenie Meyer can't hold a candle to Ann Rice. This is more like a vampire book by Danielle Steele written fer 8th grade gurls. Now, there's nothin wrong with a book written fer 8th grade gurls, in and of itself, but how in th hell does it warrant all th hoopla I've heard about it, all th commotion and hype, and then make it to # I on th best seller list? Thas what's got me baffled!

In brief, we have a story about a coven of vampires, one of whom falls in love with th 17-year-old Bella Swan. Now, thas strictly against th Vampire Code, but what th hell these aren't yer typical vampires here anyway. See, fer one thing, this particular clan of vampires doesn't hunt Humans. Nah, they limit their blood lust strictly to animals. Edward, thas Bella's vampire heartthrob fr'instance, prefers mountain lions, while his brother prefers bears. Y'know, it's kinda like some peoples prefer hamburgers and others prefer hot dawgs! I'm in th hot dawg camp myself! But listen, these vampires are very hip and au courant, at least from an ecological perspective, cuz, like, they don't eat animals on th endangered species list. Ha ha

I'm not smokin ya! Now reely, how many vampires do ya know, who are that aware of their impact on th environment, and who try not to alter th delicate balance of Nature? Not so very many I would bet!! I don't think yer average blood-suckin vampire usually gives a shit about issues such as that, eh?! So, jus keep that all in mind if ya have some preconceived prejudices against vampires in general, cus all vampires are not created equally, y'dig!! So, don't be jumpin to any hasty conclusions, OK!?

Oh yeah, one other thing, Bella, our heroine, is 17 years old. Now I'm not exactly sure what th age of consent to become a vampire is in th state of Washington, but havin become somewhat familiar with Edward, he doesn't strike me as th kind of vampire who would intentionally flaunt th law, so I'm sure it must be cool!

And check this out boyz n gurlz, at th back of th book is a ten point discussion page. Ha ha, No jive! Y'know, jus some things to contemplate. Like, question # 2 asks this,

2. Bella faints at the smell of blood. If she were to become a vampire, how might this serve as a hindrance? How might it be an asset?

Isn't that waaay cool! I mean, how many books do ya read that have a discussion page at th end? Boy, that reely gets ya to thinkin, huh?! Mebbe we could all meet over at Meagan's and discuss some of these issues? Gosh gurlz, wouldn't that be swell to do at our next sleep over!

OK, so we got Twilight fer th young gurlz. But, like I said, I got two books and th other book I got is one we can All enjoy! I can say this with some assurance, even tho I haven't started it yet, cus it's about th invasion of Normandy on D-Day and of course, Everybody likes to read a good WAR book, eh!! This would be a good place to do some high-fivin! C'mon....gimme five!! Y'know, a book full of Heroes and battles and blood and guts and stuff like that. Fuck a bunch of love story crap about a teenage twit and a vampire; I wanna read about tanks and machine guns and air planes and cool stuff like that!! Are ya with me? Gimme a big, loud YEAH.... followed by a resounding high-five!!

th cap'm


 

Subject: THE MYSTERY OF THE SQUEAKING FAN
Date: Wednesday, December 9, 2009 6:40 PM

Last nite I was sittin there in th bar when I heard this squeaking noise. I was wonderin where it was comin from, and then it stopped. Jus a few seconds later, I heard it again tho, but jus briefly, and then it stopped again. Th next time I heard it, it was louder this time, and suddenly I realized it was an overhead fan, which was on high speed. This fan was reely spinnin, and it would squeak, and stop, and then start again. And th fookin thing was almost right over my head. I began to worry it might crash down on me any second. This kinda stuff happens too, I know from personal experience!

This very thing happened to me a few years ago, right here in th crib, so I wasn't jus bein paranoid. See, I had gotten up off th sofa and was walkin back to my bedroom and decided to turn on my overhead fan in my dining room. So, as I walked by, I hit th switch on th wall, and immediately heard this reely loud crashin sound; it was like an explosion! Scared th shit outta me!! I immediately dropped into a crouch and instinctively covered my head, whirlin about tryin to figure out what th hell had jus happened? My first reaction was;

"Why in th fuck-all are those Islamic Fascists Terrorists bombing me? What th hell did I do?"

Well, after I recovered from th initial shock, I looked around and discovered my overhead metal fan had crashed down onto this round formica table that was directly underneath it, breaking some knickknacks and dishes that had been stacked there, knockin th table over, sendin it crashin to th floor too with th plates and everything! Th damned thing had jus missed my head by inches. I had seen it wobblin before, but heck, I've lived under other wobblin fans in various other places without incident, so I never checked it to see jus how secure it was. And shoot, I had had it on jus a bit earlier in th day and had turned it off, but evidently it had been ready to fall, it was jus barely hangin there becuz all it had taken to dislodge it was that tiny surge of electricity when I had hit that switch!! Man, that damned fan was heavy too. Had it caught me in th head, well, I dunno, I've often wondered what th result woulda been? I'm thinkin, it woulda been none too good tho!!

OK, flash-forward back to th bar. So....I knew from my own experience that these things do happen!! Now, here in th bar, I was thinkin, Deja Vu! But, since th fan wasn't wobblin tho, I figured it was prolly OK......until..... all of a sudden, it got reely loud. Sheeit, I was thinkin, mebbe I oughta tell th bartender to shut it down before it smashed into some one's head, y'know, like, some one sittin right under it, like ME fr'instance!! I was tryin to get his attention, and then I heard it and it was even louder this time, but th sound had changed. It was different this time! It didn't sound like a high, pitched squeaky fan anymore, and thas when I looked down a few stools and saw this gurl throwin her head back and laffin! Godam, sheeit, piss, sunuvabitch! Alla time, that squeaky noise was comin from this chik's reely goofy laugh. And all that time I was sittin there waitin far that fan to fall on my head. And her boyfriend was jus keepin her in stitches too!! Every time he opened his mouth, she let out this high pitched squeaky laff. He musta been one funny dude, cuz everything he said caused her to laff!

I wished I had had a small tape recorder with me, so I coulda captured that sound and played it fer her and her boyfriend, jus to let em know, in case they didn't already, that she sounded jus like a squeaky fan and how annoyin it reely was! I wanted to pull Her aside at least, and warn her that she needed to curtail her laughter a bit, lest some one be squirtin her with some WD-40! But, I decided not to. I figured she would misunderstand my intentions, and prolly be insulted and then she would have her boyfriend punch me in th nose, and as I heard th sound of my cartilage squashing, I would no doubt also be hearin that squeaky laff thru my pain. And this time, she would really mean it too.

So, I held my tongue!!

th cap'm