joe dreck
November, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, can walk on staples while
resisting the longings of a woman from Alaska.


Date: Sunday, November 29, 2009 9:53 PM

Below here; a message of Hope, Joy, Despair or Indifference.

It jus depends on yer own outlook, y'know what I mean. Like, make of it what ya will! OK ya'll here's th deal. My Mac is goin into th hospital fer a check up tomorrow. It's circuits seem to be breaking down, and sometimes it doesn't know what it's doin. It gets confused easily and then acts irrationally. It seems to be headin towards a breakdown, and acts as tho it jus doesn't care anymore. Sometimes I think I can hear it's death rattle. As ya might know, I have been gripin, bitchin and whinin durin th past five months about it's struggles. Th peoples at th "Genius Bar" down there at th Apple Store want to open it up and see if they can figure what th problem is? I think it's time. So.......I don't know how long it's gonna be there and how long I'm gonna be offline?

Fer some of ya, this news may merely bring sighs of Relief, while others might even leap and jump about in sheer Joy and Happiness. Do I hear horns, bells, fireworks and revelers off in th far distance?

Some might greet th news with a quiet, "Ho Hum", while they continue clippin their toenails.

And then, still others may become Despondent and drawn into depths of Despair, seeking solace in Booze and Drugs. I'm told Oxycotin and Jack Daniels can be quite effective. Mebbe that'll help, eh!?

I dunno........ but looky here, no matter how it affects you, jus remember........ as th Ancient Sage said, "This too shall pass!".

th cap'm

P.S. Fer you history buffs, Doug-Out Doug's immortal words come to mind. "I shall return!" Hopefully, it won't take me as long as it did him!!


Date: Saturday, November 28, 2009 3:39 PM

Ok ya'll, this may be old news by now; the situation may be totally different by now, I dunno. I haven't heard the latest reports on this disturbing accident, so keep that in mind. This is all I know at th moment. But last night as I was glancing at the TV, watching a football game, scrolling across the bottom of the screen was this report about Tiger Woods and I'm paraphrasing here, but this is basically what I saw,

"Tiger Woods was involved in an accident last night as he was leaving home. Authorities say that when he backed out of his driveway at 2:30 AM he ran into his neighbors car and then reportedly hit somethingelse. His wife came running out of the house and smashed the rear window of his Escalade with a golf club in an effort to rescue him. Authorities say no alcohol was involved."

That was kinda th gist of it. I dunno, I mean, I'm normally a kinda suspicious, cynical kinda dude, but doesn't this account sound a bit strange to you too? Or, is it jus me? Does it seem like there must be more to this story than this? Like, where was Tiger goin at 2:30 of the AM? Was he goin to Quik-Trip mebbe, to pick up some pretzels or somethin? Was he headed out to th range to practice his swing? Does he always have that much trouble backin out of his driveway? Sheeit, what kinda driveway does he have anyway? I hope his wife didn't use one of his good drivers to "rescue" him! Did he suffer any injuries as a result of his wife's efforts? Y'know, like a couple swings went awry and clipped him upside th head, y'know, by accident? And if there wasn't any alcohol involved, jus what th fuck kinda drugs were they doin anyway?
I dunno, jus all seems a bit strange to me!

th cap'm


Date: Friday, November 27, 2009 3:51 AM

OK ya'll, Monday night I was out to yer Bobby Baker's Lounge. Now, if ya like to go out drinkin of a Monday evening and money is a factor, ya can't go wrong there, cuz yer draft beers, i.e. Bud, Bud Light, and PBR are all a dollar. Thas right, ya heard me......a buck! Like, do ya know of any other joint in town where ya can drink Bud drafts fer a buck all nite long? Nah, I don't think so either!

Well anyway, when I stepped in at nine, there was only one other dude there, and he was sittin there with a notebook in front of him, readin somethin to th barmaid. I've seen this bird before in Mike's Tavern. And altho I'd seen him many times there before, I never had any inclination to speak to im. Like myself, he was a habitue of th joint, and evidently like myself, has settled on Bobby's as his new nesting zone. He's in his mebbe late 20's, with a reddish-brown bushy beard,
and always has a note book in front of im, and is always scribblin somethin down. From what I have gathered before, he considers himself a "writer", and is constantly practicin his "craft", ergo th notebook and pen as constant companions. I actually heard im tell some one that one time when asked what he was doin; "practicing my craft". Ha ha I always find it amusin when peoples talk about their "craft". Sheeit. Gimme a fuckin break, huh?! I sat down a few chairs away from im.
And by th way, lemme digress here fer a sec; these chairs are rilly comfortable. No jive! They swivel, have heavy padded seats and backs and even padded arm rests. Padded arm rests! Whoooie! Uptown, eh! None of th other joints I've gone to in my life were thus equipped. They all jus had wooden stools, y'know, or if ya were lucky, they might have been lightly padded, but even so, after 5-6 hours, yer ass would be partially numb at best. These chairs are fit fer royalty.

So anyways, I ordered my brew and was sittin, stoned, enjoyin myself, thinkin things, and meanwhile this joker is down there readin some tripe he's written to th barmaid. Since there wasn't anybody else in there but us, and since th juke box wasn't playin anything, I could hear what he was reciting, whether I wanted to, or not! And it was fuckin terrible. I don't know when I've heard such banal, trite crap before? It was jus awful!! And he wasn't jus readin it.... it was like he was performin it...on a stage or somthin. He read in a loud, exaggerated voice like he was addressin an audience. From th bits and piece I heard, it appeared to be some kind of upbeat, Inspirational bit, cus he was Pronouncing it in this stentorian voice,

".........and so we must Seize the Day... we must think outside the box.... we must prevail..... we must look to our inner self for strength, because, THAT is WHO we are! Remember that always!.... we must........ blah blah blah...."

and on and on he went with more mundane crap jus like that. Every cliche ya ever heard was there, one after another, not an original thought to be found anywhere. Th bar maid was feignin interest, altho I could easily tell she wasn't rilly into it. Finally, she broke away from im to wipe somthin down... anything, to jus get away fer a moment, but he said,

"Wait, there's more! Do you want to hear some more of my stuff?"

So, she reluctantly said yes, and went back to where he was sittin. After some time, I jus couldn't take any more. It was interferin with my Buzz, y'dig, so as unobtrusively as possible, I got up and moved several more chairs away from im. But he noticed... and looked down th bar and said to me,

"What's the matter? You don't like my work?"

I laffed inwardly when he referred to what he was spewin out as his "work", but tryin to be polite and all, I jus said,

"Wasn't reely payin attention dude. I'm jus tryin to put some distance from th draft from that overhead fan there."

He didn't respond to that one way or th other, but I kinda thought th whole thing was kinda amusin, so bein stoned and all, and well aware of what that does to my short term memory, I got out a pen and piece of paper I carry with me fer that exact purpose, and jotted down a few key words, jus in case I might wanna relate this bit of tomfoolery later on. And as I was sittin there, jottin down my thoughts, I looked down th bar and he was scribblin in his notebook too, and it occurred to me th absurdity of th situation! Cus, here were these two nit-wits, th only two peoples in th joint, and they're both sittin there at th bar and writin some dumb, worthless crap down. Th realization of how much we were alike struck me as pretty embarrassin, but pretty damned funny too and I let out a noticeable chuckle. Th bar maid gave me a questioning, confused look, and I jus waved away her interest, not wantin to have to explain what I was laffin about.

After a bit of time, other peoples started filterin in and four guys came in and took th vacant spots between me and th other scribbler. They were all noisily watchin th Monday nite football game, and becuz they had some small wager on th game, every single play warranted loud, vociferous outbreaks of Joy or Despair. Their outbreaks got reely ridiculous considerin th paltry amount of their bets. I discovered later they had bet ten bucks on th game. I couldn't wait fer that game to be over fer a bit of peace and quiet, but CURSES th damned thing went into overtime. So, when th game finally ended and after a lotta fanfare, they settled their bets, and things got a lot quieter.

But while I was sittin there, somethin piqued my interest, I don't remember what it was, but I got out my pen and paper and was writin it down when one of this crew sittin next to me asked in a rather demandin, imperious voice,

"HEY! What are you writing there?"

I looked at im and said,

"Pardon me, but....... do I know you?

and he said,

"No! Why?"

And I said,

"Well, becuz ya jus asked me what I was writin and I was wonderin why? since I don't even know ya!? And since I don't know ya and since what I'm writin is none of yer business, I'm jus wonderin why yer even askin, thas all!

He said,

"Hey, I was jus curious, don't make a big deal out of it."

And I said,

"Well dude, I'm not makin a big deal out of it, but you were jus textin some one a few minutes ago, weren't ya? But I didn't ask ya who ya were texting and ask ya what ya were texting about did I? And ya know th reason why I didn't ask?

..... cuz it was none of my fuckin business, thas why!!"

He said,

"OK dude, you made your point, so drop it." And as he turned away he muttered, "Asshole."

This fucking jerk, a total stranger to me, butts into my business, and when I tell him to mind his own business, I'M th asshole? Sheeit! Oh, to be Young again........ and able to blindside some smartass into Oblivion. Damn, thas one of th worst things I hate about bein an old geezer now, y'know, th inability to deal with peoples like him Forcefully! Sigh!

th cap'm

Date: Thursday, November 26, 2009 5:06 PM

What th Hell is goin on? Where th Hell is everybody? This town looks like some post-apocalyptic setting. Th streets are deserted. Every place is closed. I went lookin fer some turkey, but sheeit, every place I went, th doors were locked, th lights were off, th chairs stacked on th tables. No body was home. Well, thas what they wanted me to think anyway...... I'll bet soon as I pulled out of th parking lot, th "All Clear" sounded, th word went out, "He's gone now, it's OK!" and every one came out of their hiding places, and resumed their activities.

I drove all over, but I couldn't cop any turkey anywhere. So, I said, fuck it, I'll jus go to th grocery store and buy myself a large turkey TV dinner. But, by th time I got there, th word musta already reached em I was comin. They must have hidden th cars in th back cuz th lot was empty. They had turned off th lights, locked th doors on me, and jus generally made me feel unwelcome. So, I decided, th hell with th turkey, I'll jus go and score me some chicken at KFC. I guess I don't gotta tell ya what went down there, do I!? Warning KFC: I'm writin you guys down in my book of places I'm boycotting now. When ya see yer bottom line droppin, don't come whinin to me,

"Cap'm, Cap'm.... come back! Pleeeze! We miss you!"

When they do, I'm jus gonna play em cold,

"You guys had yer chance.... now, Step Off!"

Sheeit, I couldn't even find a Burger King open. Ditto McDonald's. Like I said, everything was closed.
So, now, I'm back at th crib, havin just finished a delicious National Hebrew Hot Dog, con mustard and onion, with some kettle fried potato chips on th side. Fuck a bunch of turkeys!!

th cap'm

P. S. Hmmmm..... I'm jus wonderin if it's a holiday, or somthin? That would explain a lot! Th businesses closed and all. Like, mebbe it all isn't part of The Giant Right Wing Conspiracy Against The Cap'm after all?! Mebbe there's a bigger picture. Mebbe it's Not all about ME, ME, ME? Darn, thas a depressin thought!


Subject: YouTube - SARAH PALIN BOOK SIGNING - Interviews with Supporters
Date: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 3:12 PM

My amigo, the Herr Doktor Crupster, from out of the wilds of Seattle, Washington, sent this to me in response to my last comments on SP. Oh brother, this is just too much. Mercy, Mercy, Mercy!! Listen to these typical Sarah Palin fans explain in their own inimitable, articulate fashion just what it is that they find so appealing about her. I put the question in my last post as to what that might be? I wondered... what... what in the world could it be??

Finally, some answers to that question. Here are some of the reasons why typical Sarah Palin admirers think she is the bee's knees. (I know those folks would like that 'bee's knees' metaphor) for your Entertainment and Enlightenment, I present to you the Sarah Palin electorate, warts and all!!

th cap'm

P.S. Just a suggestion here, but before you access this, it might be a good idea to clear a path to your bathroom, or have a barf bag ready and available, because when you stop with the guffawing, snickering and chortling and the sickness settles in, you'll be glad you took precautions


Date: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 12:41 PM

OK, ya'll, the following was sent to me from my buddy Ms Pat, outta Texas. But, hey don't hold that against her cus she's not a Seceder, OK!? This is from the Huffington Post and although it was written during the past eternal election, considering what's happening with Sarah today, it's still, if not more, pertinent than ever!! It strikes me as "right on"... and with more than a hint of sarcasm. Check it out.


8 Reasons Sarah Palin is More Qualified than Barack Obama

Sarah Palin (sp?) has ignited the presidential race and fired up the GOP — as evidenced by three women at the RNC who took the time to print the words "We," "Love," and "Sarah" on pieces of paper and tape them to the backs of their T-shirts. Sarah's even won the backing of the levelheaded Rep. Michele Bachmann (R- MN) — not exactly known for toeing the party line. Clearly, the liberal left realizes that it can't match this kind of unbridled enthusiasm for its candidate. So what are they doing? Attacking her character. Questioning her qualifications. Imagine a political group attacking an opponent because it can't win on the issues or the record. It's disgusting.

So let's set the record straight. Sarah Pahlen (sp?) is not only more qualified for the Oval Office than Barack Obama — she might just be the most qualified political candidate in our nation's history:

1. Putting Country First - Her membership in the Alaska Independence Party proves that she's exactly the kind of leader America needs: the kind that will always put country first — even if that country happens to be The Republic of Alaska. Obama claims he loves America — but has he ever loved it enough to favor seceding from it? It's called tough love, Senator. Look into it.
2. Independence - Sarah hates indicted Senator Ted Stevens, but raised money for him. She hates the "bridge to nowhere," but supported it. She wants to shatter Hillary's glass ceiling, but wears T-shirts touting the size of her boobs. We're dealing with an innovative politician; one who refuses to be categorized. Obama may call himself the candidate of "change," but Sarah Pailen's (sp?) entire political life has been about saying one thing, and then doing another. Now that's "change we can believe in."
3. Family Values - This is someone who's not afraid to preach abstinence for your daughter, even though her own unmarried 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. This is someone who's not afraid to hop on a plane from Texas to Alaska while she's in premature labor. This is someone who's not afraid to hit the campaign trail with a 5-month-old special needs baby. That's what I call dedication to family. Obama, on the other hand? A Muslim.
4. Intellect - Yes, Sarah recently admitted that she didn't know exactly what it was the Vice President did. Yes, she wants creationism taught in public schools. Yes, she doesn't believe global warming is manmade. But I'd like to point out the fact that she wears glasses — and that's not something dumb people generally do. Obama? No glasses.
5. Military Affairs - As Governor, Pollen (sp?) is authorized to deploy Alaska's National Guard in times of emergency. And while the Guard's Adjunct General admits that she plays no role in national defense, and isn't briefed on military exercises, the fact is — she's been photographed holding a machine gun, while Obama has yet to wield so much as a .38 for the cameras. When it comes to keeping me safe, that's all I need to know.
6. Foreign Affairs - While Obama likes to take Middle East tours, meet with Europe's leaders, and brag about his running mate being the foreign policy voice of the Senate, he can't hold a candle to Palenn's (sp?) understanding of today's complex, dangerous world. Yes, Sarah admitted that she hadn't paid much attention to the war in Iraq, but she knew enough to rightly call it a "task from God." Yes, she's only left North America once in her life, but her experience as a local sportscaster gave her the ability to follow events as they unfold at lightning speed. And as Cindy McCain pointed out, while Barack Obama was sipping lattes in Cambridge Square, Sarah Pinkston (sp?) was staring down the barrel of Putin's Kalashnikov — a one-woman wall keeping America safe from invasion.
7. Restoring America's Image - Who better than a former beauty queen to add some new luster to America's battered image? Paylen (sp?) will take a proverbial can of Aqua Net to our nation's unruly hair, and apply liberal (no pun intended) amounts of blush to Lady Liberty's cheekbones. In a word, she'll dazzle the world with her charm and style. Even the most anti-Western extremists will melt when they see the People and Vanity Fair spreads of Sarah warming her fur-lined extremities over burning science textbooks. And how would Obama restore our leadership in the world? The question we should be asking is: why does he only have two children, while Sarah has at least twice that number? What does Senator Obama have against America's children?
8. Her Soul - In one 15-minute meeting, and one follow-up phone call, John McCain was able to determine that Sarah was more than his running mate — she was his "soul mate." Not only that, but that she was more qualified to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office than any Republican on earth. Yes, this is a testament to the power and quickness of McCain's decision making. But it's also a testament to the power of Sarah Payton's (sp?) soul. As a Muslim, it's not even clear that Obama has a soul.

So is Sarah Pillston (sp?) qualified to be Vice President? To be one bad biopsy away from being the most powerful human being on earth? To lead America back to prominence and prosperity, while keeping us safe from a world of ever-changing threats?

In her own words: "Yup...yup."


OK, OK, so maybe not your cup o' tea if you're a Sarah admirer, Ha ha. But for myself.... it's just beyond my ken how anyone can take this birdbrained Sarah Palin dodo serious? That leaves me puzzled! Is there any one more vacuous, vapid and air headed than her? So, what in the world is the attraction? I don't know...... but hey, Life is full of mysteries, eh! Because like, I understand there are peoples out there in the world who claim they actually like liver. Liver (UGH) mind you!! They eat the stuff!! And swallow it! Well, they're obviously deranged too!! Heck, I'll bet Sarah's handlers could get even larger crowds at her book signings if they offered a small slice of liver just for showing up. Wow, what a great idea! Bringing Liver Lovers and Sarah Palin Lovers together in one big frenzy of whacked out peoples!! Let the Madness begin!!

th cap'm

P.S. My apologies to all the Liver Lovers out there. I was just being a bit sarcastic myself, because I know several peoples of that ilk, and with the exception of that one flaw, they are otherwise regular peoples who you wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen in public with. But as for the Sarah Lovers.... um.. ah.....well ... maybe some other time, huh, because, you know, I'm kind of busy right know... folding the underwear.... and stuff. Call me next month.... or something.


Date: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 2:15 AM

I just finished reading a book I picked up a few days ago called, Tears in the Darkness, whose subtitle is, "The Story Of The Bataan Death March And It's Aftermath" by Michael and Elizabeth Norman. It's a little bit strange because it was as a result of a book I read many years ago, back in 1999 called, A Special Prisoner by Jim Lehrer that got me to write a homage to my Uncle Bennedicto Flores, who was himself a survivor of the Death March and was a POW of the Japanese for three and a half years of Hell On Earth.

Every year on Memorial Day I have been sending Uncle Benny's story out as a tribute to him. I don't know what happened, because I didn't do it this year. I don't know how I missed it, but Memorial Day was over and gone before I even knew it had happened? I felt bad about it too, because I said I would always send that out, to try and preserve his memory and what he endured during those three hellish, unbelievably horrible and painful years! And, without thinking of that, I had picked up this current book, and that's when I realized my error of omission.

Having just read another account of those events and the cruelty and sadistic savagery of their Jap captors, brought it all back home to me. The daily agony and torment, without respite those guys went through. No Mercy whatsoever. No Humanity. No Feelings. Just sheer brutality, day after unforgiving day. Starved and beaten, and worked to death for three and a half unrelenting years. One out of twenty captured survived. And my Uncle Benny was one of them! Emaciated and near death, he weighed 72 pounds at war's end. He spent six months in the hospital recuperating. That was Then; this is Now.

Because today, with our help, those bastards have the 2nd largest economy in the world!! Ironic isn't it?! I know, I know.... the war has been over for 64 years now; let by gones be by gones, forgive and forget..... but for myself, having just finished that book, I developed a temporary Rage and just wanted to go to the mall, and take a baseball bat to every Nip car in the lot!! Hondas, Mitsubishis, Datsons, no prejudice...just every last fucking one of them!!

I'll have to remember that next Memorial Day!!

th cap'm


Date: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 12:55 AM

Why is it that Americans have to rush everything? A local radio station started playing Christmas music exclusively right around the first of the month. 24 hours a day of Christmas music for seven weeks. Not even Thanksgiving, and yet they're already playing White Christmas. What the hell? Do other countries do this too? Sheeit!

Do you remember the last interminable Presidential election; the one that went on for two solid years? It seemed like it would never end, and it was with a sigh of relief when it finally did. I think it hardly even mattered who won, just bring the fucking thing to an end ....please!! But now, only nine months later, the 2012 presidential race has already started! The last Prez we just elected hasn't even been in office for a year yet and the speculations about an event that is three years away has already started in ernest! Peoples are talking about 2012 like it's just around the corner. OMG, Is Sarah running or not? Is she qualified? If she does run and gets the nomination, who might be her running mate? Who else might be a candidate? Questions galore, possibilities, speculations from politically savvy peoples, polls, trends, etc, etc, ad nauseam! On and on, without end, until 2012! And then...... what about 2016??

Godam, are we going to have to go through his shit for the next three years now you ask? And the answer is, HELL YES!! You don't think they're just mentioning this now and are going to forget about it until the proper time do you? I mean, once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you can't hardly put it back, can you!!

And the Loonies are coming out already. Like, fr'instance, Lou Dobbs has thrown his hat into the ring. Yeah, that Lou Dobbs! The fucking Idiot with the one track mind, the nit-wit who is focused solely, obsessively on Immigration. Who is Lou Dobbs? A fucking talking head......that's all. But he's announced that after conferring with friends, he's decided to do it. Yep! But what are his qualifications to run for Public Office? Absolutely NADA my friends! Ooops, sorry bout that...using that Spanish word there, I mean. Lou would certainly never approve of that!! But, when it comes to lack of qualifications, so what? NBFD!! If anyone ever had any doubts, Sarah Palin has proved that qualifications aren't really important. I think Lou must have looked at her and said,

"Well shit, if some obscure dumb broad from Alaska, who can barely put two sentences together can run, why in the hell shouldn't I? So what if I've never had any kind of experience, that didn't stop her! Besides, peoples love me for my courageous stand to stop the brown hordes that are invading us and taking over our Republic."

What runs through a mind of a guy who is the host of an unpopular cable "news" show who gets fired (forget that resignation crap) because no one wants to hear his crap, and so then he decides he needs to run for the Presidency? What could possibly make him believe that he is in any way a viable candidate? Did he get drunk this past week trying to drown his sorrow at losing his gig at CNN, whining and sobbing about the unfairness of it all, and a buddy, trying to console him wrapped his arm around his shoulder and said,

"Hey Lou, fuck em! You know what you ought to do? Run for President! No kidding man, go for it!!"

And Lou, stopped his whining for a second and then thought,

"Yeah, that's the ticket! That's what I'll do.... I'll show em! I'll run for President! And, even if I don't win the nomination, I could be a king maker..... I could throw my support to which ever candidate I wanted. Heck, I could even be Sarah or Glenn's running mate."

Politics in America! Isn't it swell!? And it's continual too! No pesky interruptions!

th cap'm


Date: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:36 PM

A buddy of mine from up there in New Yawk City sent this to me, and I'm passin it on! So.... fer those of ya that likes to read, this is a reely neat site here. And if ya don't like to read, but are willin to listen, yer in luck too. There's plenty stuff here to keep ya occupied on a cold, wintery, winter.

Listen to Genius: free audio downloads of the works of important authors

th cap'm


Subject: Fwd: Pink Glove Dance
Date: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:21 PM

OK, ya'll my former wife sent this to me and asked if I might pass it on? She herself fought breast cancer and won, but everyone isn't so fortunate. A very scary and painful procedure for any one to have to endure, what with all the chemo and radiation treatments, etc.

I don't usually forward things like this, even though many times they are for a worthy cause, but they can overwhelm one because there are just too many of them. But in this case it's her, and it's personal and because I know what she went through, I'm sending it on to you. If you have the time and the inclination; pass it on.

I watched the video and it was, as you gurls would say, "Cute!".

th cap'm

Subject: Fwd: FW: Pink Glove Dance

Please go to the u tube link, and forward to all your friends. The more hits, the more money for Breast Cancer research. And when our government starts controlling when we can have mamograms, we will want them to have a cure.
Subject: Fwd: Pink Glove Dance

This is from my friend, Gail, who is fighting for her life!!!
Passing this on...

Our daughter-in-law, Emily Somers, created, directed and choreographed this in Portland last week for her Medline glove division as a fundraiser for breast cancer awareness. This was all her idea to help promote their new pink gloves. I don't know how she got so many employees, doctors and patients to participate, but it started to really catch on and they all had a lot of fun doing it.

When the video gets 1 million hits, Medline will be making a huge contribution to the hospital, as well as offering free mammograms for the community. Please check it out. It's an easy and great way to donate to a wonderful cause, and who hasn't been touched by breast cancer?

Ann Somers


Date: Saturday, November 21, 2009 6:09 PM

Ha hah Thanks Unc. I know that LOL stands for "laughing out loud" which is something I seldom ever do. The very worst night your average stand-up comedian could ever have would be to play to an audience of myself, and 500 of my clones.

It's possible he wouldn't hear so much as a lone chuckle out there among the silent masses, much less any outright laughter. So, I use the LOL not to mean, I'm cracking up, but just to mean I'm a bit amused. You, of course, are aware of that.
I'm going to save this, cuz I think I'm going to pass it on to him, just to give him a glimpse that, as you noted, these abbreviations are here to stay, whether we like them or not! One could steadfastedly refuse to use them on principle, altho I'm not sure what the principle is, but, to what end? I think we refer to peoples of that ilk as Luddites, don't we!

I hoped he would see thru my sarcastic apology and claims of remorse and realize that my, FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON more accurately reflected my true feelings. LOL


On Nov 21, 2009, at 1:42 PM, wrote:

I, too, was an "lol" snob but then realized the functionality and got over it. Whether your friend likes it or not, lol/lmao/lmmfao.rofl are here to stay for informal communication.

And does he really want to throw stones? I believe his writing leaves a lot to be desired to us folks that know decent writing, please see my quick notes below in red. (Not an exhaustive critique at all, just some stuff that I saw off the top, there are fish-in-a-barrel to poke at in every sentence he wrote.)

In a message dated 11/19/2009 11:33:07 P.M. Central Standard Time, writes:

Recently, and without goin into an explanation, cus it's immaterial and not important, I wrote my friend of mine this line,

"Finally, some common sense from Joan Bishop! lol"

He, in turn, wrote me back,


Do me a favor and never LOL me again. I know for a fact that you are not laughing out loud while you are typing. (no, he doesn't know that for a fact, quit using hyperbole when you are trying to be literal) Let alone the fact that you, of all people, shouldn't be using a ridiculous, overused, nonsense, little abbreviation. (this is incorrect, it in fact does make sense and I am very sure he knew what you meant) I can't believe you haven't written a whole email about this already. How everyone seems to be laughing out loud all the fucking time. Are they really laughing out loud at work? Won't it get them in trouble if the boss finds out they aren't working but are sending joke email forwards? (so from this I can infer he steals from his employer by writing emails at work?) It drives me crazy. (more hyperbole, it just makes me insane when people do that) And of all people, the last person I would have expected to latch on to something so undeniably ridiculous (great discussion/argument technique to label anyone not agreeing with him as ridiculous - there is a term for this but my book-learning is letting me down here) would be the King of Cool hisself, Charley Hoohah Hutto (what an insult, misspelling your name, was this on purpose in an effort to ridicule you? unforgivable!). What would your great, great, great grandfather who invented chile think of you copying such a ridiculous trend? (again, labeling anyone not agreeing with him, totally frowned upon and a sign of an argument lacking substance)

For shame, Capt. FOR SHAME."

Hmmmm, so then I wrote him back.

"Golly, I can't remember when the last time I was so ridiculed and lectured to like an errant schoolboy? Even so, I must say, my initial reaction was:


But then....but then..... I got to thinking about it, and I must admit..... yer right, I agree with you!! And as soon as I made that shameful admission, while my face reddened with shame, my Self-Esteem plummeted like th Stock Market on 9/12. I have no rational defense and altho I would like to claim I was on Drugs at the time and therefore, not accountable for my actions, but Ten Thousand Curses!....that would be an UnTruth. For inexplicable reasons, I obviously took complete leave of my senses.... and I'm guilty as charged. I'm soooo Baaaad and obviously I'm in need of a good flogging!!

Altho I am not worthy, I can only hope for your Forgiveness, and I pledge.... that as the sun rises, from this day forward, I will LOL no more forever!!
th cap'm

P.S. As you said, Don Francisco would not be pleased!

Gosh, I wonder.... will I be allowed back into th ranks of Society?


Date: Friday, November 20, 2009 4:30 PM

Remember th fictional language Newspeak in Orwell's novel 1984? This was an effort by th totalitarian regime to reduce language to it's simplest forms. So, like, fr'instance, all words that used to have negative meanings, were now reduced to simply, ungood. And if it was really bad, it was doubleplusungood. Some other words were

UNPERSON, a process where th government removed all traces of you so completely, so that not only do you NOT exist; you never existed at all!!

THOUGHTCRIME, to think ungood things about th govt. Same as CRIMETHINK,

PROLEFEED--entertainment for th masses

THOUGHTPOLICE, those officials who caught you at THOUGHTCRIME,

OLDTHINK, dangerous, you don't wanna do that.

OLDSPEAK, English as we know it today.


HATEWEEK, Oooh, it feels doubleplusgood!

FACECRIME, when your face gave you away that you had committed CRIMETHINK

DOUBLETHINK, to be able to hold and believe 2 contradictory beliefs at th same time.

DOUBLEPLUS, added to a word to enhance it's meaning

Oh, you know, there were lots of em. They've been creepin into our own everyday language for a long time now.
Many years ago, back in th late '60s, 7-UP ran a series of commercials where they tried to separate themselves from Coca Cola by referrin to 7-UP as th Un-Cola.

I heard a few days ago that the OED (Oxford English dictionary) which is THE ultimate dictionary, has added th word "unfriend" to it's list, as in "To remove an individual from your circle of friends". Then also, jus a couple of days ago I heard a commercial for Coca Cola where they used th word "unthink".

Is NewSpeak upon us? Well I dunno fer sure, but in today's AMSOC, it seems to fit in very well. Remember ENGSOC in 1984? Short for English Socialism. Well, I guess ya can figure what AMSOC is, eh? Man, I wonder why Glenn "Fucknut" Beck hasn't used that yet in his hysterical rantings? It would fit in perfectly with his deranged view!! Somebody needs to write him and hip him to that


Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:32 PM

Recently, and without goin into an explanation, cus it's immaterial and not important, I wrote my friend of mine this line,

"Finally, some common sense from Joan Bishop! lol"

He, in turn, wrote me back,


Do me a favor and never LOL me again. I know for a fact that you are not laughing out loud while you are typing. Let alone the fact that you, of all people, shouldn't be using a ridiculous, overused, nonsense, little abbreviation. I can't believe you haven't written a whole email about this already. How everyone seems to be laughing out loud all the fucking time. Are they really laughing out loud at work? Won't it get them in trouble if the boss finds out they aren't working but are sending joke email forwards? It drives me crazy. And of all people, the last person I would have expected to latch on to something so undeniably ridiculous would be the King of Cool hisself, Charley Hoohah Hutto. What would your great, great, great grandfather who invented chile think of you copying such a ridiculous trend?

For shame, Capt. FOR SHAME."


Hmmmm, so then I wrote him back.

"Golly, I can't remember when the last time I was so ridiculed and lectured to like an errant schoolboy? Even so, I must say, my initial reaction was:


But then....but then..... I got to thinking about it, and I must admit..... yer right, I agree with you!! And as soon as I made that shameful admission, while my face reddened with shame, my Self-Esteem plummeted like th Stock Market on 9/12. I have no rational defense and altho I would like to claim I was on Drugs at the time and therefore, not accountable for my actions, but Ten Thousand Curses!....that would be an UnTruth. For inexplicable reasons, I obviously took complete leave of my senses.... and I'm guilty as charged. I'm soooo Baaaad and obviously I'm in need of a good flogging!!
Altho I am not worthy, I can only hope for your Forgiveness, and I pledge.... that as the sun rises, from this day forward, I will LOL no more forever!!

th cap'm

P.S. As you said, Don Francisco would not be pleased!


Gosh, I wonder.... will I be allowed back into th ranks of Society?


Subject: Fwd: Pictures Of Weird Homes - WDAF
Date: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 4:10 PM

Wow! some pretty cool houses here, huh!,0,1876364.photogallery?index=sns-viral-odd-house-pg-002


Subject: Fwd: Unusual Aviation Pics
Date: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 1:41 AM

Some pretty cool aviation pictures. Check out the F-15 taking off.

F 15C , fastest takeoff ever measured ! !

757 against a full Moon ! !


Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009 9:46 PM

OK ya'll, so yesterday was my birthday. No big deal cuz I don't really celebrate it, per se. Except fer a few close friends, no one else even knows when it happens. An old friend took me out to lunch, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, she also gave me ten stamps. Kinda an unusual present, eh?! So, last nite, I went on down to Bobby Baker's fer a few quiet brews. Bein a Monday nite, th joint wasn't crowded at all, but as soon as I stepped thru th door, I saw a nutball sittin down at th end of th bar. I have run into this jerk before, and din't wanna have any truck with im at all, and so I sat three stools away from im. He greeted me with a "Hey, there he is; th pool player!" I barely nodded in his direction. He kept tryin to engage me in conversation, but I know from past experience, he's one of those peoples yer better off not talkin to, so I jus ignored im and watched the Browns/Ravens game. It didn't reely bother im tho that I wasn't speakin to im cuz he was havin a nice conversation with Owen anyway. They were rappin bout th game, and evidently Owen liked th Browns while he favored th Ravens. And he was reely enjoyin th game tho cuz th Ravens were rippin ass and Owen's Browns were havin a reel bad night. And as I overheard their conversation goin back and forth, it was rather curious! Yeah, see, th most curious thing bout th whole conversation was that.....Owen doesn't exist! There was no Owen sittin next to im. But, that little detail didn't seem to bother th Loony-Tune one bit. Evidently Owen is one of those imaginary friends some peoples have, and since no one else would rap with im, I guess Owen comes in pretty handy.

So, I sat there quaffin my beers, watchin th game......ignorin em both! About 11:30 a group of loud, boisterous guys came in. Yeah, it was Sean's birthday, and his buddy Stan's was comin up at midnight. So, they had been hittin saloons all over town gettin free birthday drinks. I tried to block em out, but it was pretty hard to do cuz they were makin a lotta racket. Yeah, see, it was Sean and Stan's birthday. It was a reel big deal. They were both turnin 28! There was lotsa back slappin and high-fivin goin on. Eventually Sean noticed I didn't seem to be too excited bout his birthday celebration. He came over to me and said,

"Hey yo, my name is Sean, and it's my birthday!"

"Yeah, I noticed!"

Sean raised his hand to me fer th high-five. I jus looked at im and didn't say nothin. He said,

"Hey man, gimme five!" he said, with a big shit-eatin grin as he held his hand up in th air.

I said,

"Sorry, but I don't do th high-five!"

"What?? Whadda ya mean, ya don't do th high-five?"

"Thas what I meant, I don't ever high-five anyone!"

"Whyizzat? I never heard of anyone who doesn't high-five! It's my birthday dude, c'mon. What? Whas th big deal? Izzit against yer religion or somethin?"

"Yeah, thas right, you got it! My religion of th Church of Common Sense sez its a sin to do dumb, banal, senseless things like th high-five! Y'know what I mean, so I don't partake of that. At all. Besides, I don't even know you, so why should I care whether it's yer birthday, or not? See, yer a total stranger to me, so yer birthday is not somthin I'm interested in celebratin! Do ya see where I'm comin from?"

So, he's jus totally confused and bewildered now, cuz obviously other peoples out there react differently to his birthday, I guess. He sez,

"Well, when it's yer birthday, don't you go out and celebrate?"

I said,

"Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact....... I'm celebratin right now!"

"Right now? Whadda'ya mean, right now? Y'mean, today is yer birthday too?"

"Thas right."

"Hey, COOL dude! I'm 28 today and my bud Stan is gonna be 28 in a few minutes. How old are you?"

"I'm 68!"

"Wow, cool, Gimme five man!" and he held up his hand again, ready to receive my high-five.

And I said,

"Dude, I jus got thru tellin ya, I don't do th high-five!"

So he sez,

"Well man, it's yer birthday too. Won't ya even high-five fer yer own birthday?

I said,

"Nope, like I told ya dude, I don't do that!"

So, he sez,

"OK, thas cool if ya don't wanna high-five me," but ya could tell it wasn't reely cool with im, and he's still confused, so he said, "but how come yer not celebratin too?"

"I am, see! But everybody has their own way of celebratin, you got yers; I got mine, and I'm doin jes fine! But thanks anyway!"

And so, by then I guess he figured he wasn't gettin no high-five from me and he had already wasted too much celebration time on this old geezer anyway, so he returned to his crowd and they all were all laffin it up and there was a lotta high-fivin goin on! Ah, youth!

After a few minutes, they decided to hit another joint fer some more revelry and fer some more free drinks.

As they walked by me, I tapped im on th arm,

"Hey yo Sean", and he paused, and I said, "Happy birthday!" and I held up my hand, (th old curmudgeon breaks tradition) and he broke into a big grin and gave me a hearty high-five, and laffed and said, "You too man!"

So, a bit later, as it was now gettin near closin time, this other young dude who had been down at th end of th bar, came up and sat next to me and said,

"Hey man, would'ja do me a favor? I wanna ask ya a question. My buddies and I got a twenty dollar bet on yer answer."

I groaned inwardly, Why me? Sheeit! Is there no respite from these godamed idiots? I said,

"Nah, I'm not interested in answerin any questions, aw'right, I'm jus sittin here, mindin my own business, windin up th evening, OK!"

"C'mon man. Pleeze. It's nothin personal or nothin man, jus one simple question. Jus one question; thas all!"

"Nah, I don't think so."

"C'mon man, jus one question, OK, then I won't bother ya any more, Jus one question,"

What th fuck is it with some peoples who jus won't take NO fer an answer? Man, that pisses me off. I had told th dude nicely I didn't wanna answer any questions, but that wasn't good enuff fer him. So he sez,

"Look! I got twenty bucks ridin on this. Here's th question, OK: What would you rather be? A Space Alien ... or a Vampire?"

OH man! What th........? I couldn't believe this fuckin jerk, botherin me with a stupid-assed question like that. I said in a none too polite tone,

"You mean, that's th question ya want me to answer? Are you fuckin serious?! Thas th stupidest fuckin thing I've ever heard of!! You are askin me if I would rather be a Space Alien or a Vampire? Thas fuckin ridiculous! Godam man, get th fuck away from me and stop bother me, y'unnerstan?!"

But, not to be deterred, this guy leans over and kinda whispers,

"C'mon man, look! Jus say you'd rather be a vampire, OK? I'll make twenty bucks off my buddy down there in th red shirt. He's bettin you'll say space alien!"

And I looked down there at th end of th bar and these three buddies of his were all watchin our conversation and I got th attention of th guy in th red shirt and said,

"I'd much rather be a space alien!!"

And that dude let out a guffaw and high-fived his buddy next to him, and yelled out to th obnoxious creep next to me.

"Pay up dude, You lost!!"

And this jerk looked at me and said,

"Man, thas bullshit! You jus said that to spite me."

And I said,

"I told ya I didn't wanna answer yer stupid question!"

I had to chuckle myself over that little coup. Dumb fuck! Well, anyway, boyz n gurlz, thas how my birthday celebration went. Jus another typical birthday, knowhutahmsayin. But, sheeit, had I known what was in store fer me, I woulda jus stayed home and had some cake and ice cream!

th cap'm

P.S. How about a high -five, eh? Y'know, fer my birthday. Whadda ya say? C'mon ese, gimme five goddamit!


Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009 1:53 PM

OK, I don't know why exactly, (altho I have my suspicions) but I seem to lose things at a higher rate than yer average citizen. It's always somthin. I take up waaay more of my alloted time with St. Anthony than I should. He is, as ya may know, th patron saint of lost things and I have been usin his services fer many, many years now. And it's mostly always th usual things, like, y'know, th rings, keys, wallets, earrings, money and my stashes, etc, etc. Y'know.... that sorta thing. But today, I came back to th crib after having lunch with a old friend, and I couldn't help but notice that th tree that normally lives in my front yard was gone. It wasn't there. As I walked from th street to my front door, I thought to myself,

"Hmmm, somthins not right here cuz there used to be a tree...........that was right my front yard.... that I sometimes have to stoop under so as not to bang my head. And I don't see it anywhere! So, like, where in th fuck did it go? Was it here when I left earlier? Did I not notice that it was gone then? Was it gone then? I dunno! But it's gone now! So, whas up with that? Did it go south with th gooses fer th winter or somthin?"

I decided to take a closer look. So, usin some of th stuff I've picked up from various CSI TV shows I've seen, I investigated th crime scene. I noticed there was a stump stickin up 3.7 centimeters above th ground where th tree used to stand. But now, never more! I observed that some one had used a Black and Decker Model RX-1200 Tree Saw, which was discontinued after April 2005 when it was replaced by the 1300 Series. I was further able to discern from th pattern on th cut that th Tree Snatchin Perp was right handed, weighed 175 lbs, brown eyes and walked with a limp and had a bad case of acne. I picked up a discarded cigarette butt, hmmm Marlboro Regular. Sheeit! Mighta guessed! Th perp was a fookin Nic Addict. I wondered how many decks of "squares" th tree-napper could expect to get from that? Jus remember boyz n gurlz, before ya take that first puff, you too could be reduced to this type of behavior in order to get yer next nicotene fix too! This tree-thief prolly took my tree to a chop-shop to be cut up fer some Johnson Countian's fireplace!! I understand there's a big market out there fer copper wiring and "hot" firewood!

And altho in normal times I got no truck with snitches, these aren't normal times, eh?! I gotta get in touch with Huggy Bear, cuz he always knows whas happenin on th streets. He's got th Nose and he knows which way th wind is blowin. So, like, if a bear shits in th woods, he'll get a whiff of it.
In th meantime, if ya happen to hear any "chatter" yerself, I'd be much obliged if ya could pass it on to me. It's a sad state of affairs isn't it, when one has no sense of Security of one's trees right in one's own front yard, y'dig? I know, I know, say what ya will about those thugs, but at least th Bush/Cheney Combine's "enhanced interrogation techniques" kept our trees safe fer th last 8 years. Sheeit, this whole shameless episode mighta been prevented! But now, under th Obama Pussy Regime, guys who won't even stick a few needles into some eyeballs, th Terrorists have free rein and run amok amongst us and all we can do is look at our empty yards and wonder,

"What th fu.....? Did our trees go th way of our Freedoms too?"

And speakin of lost trees and freedoms, Johnson Countians oughta jus forego their traffickin in stolen trees and use their copies of th Constitution to keep em warm instead. Besides that, they're great fer lining Fluffy's litter box with! Damn, where will it end? First they came fer our trees, then they came fer th Constitution, next they'll be comin fer our tea bags! And then..... and then they'll be comin fer YOU and me And we'll all be sittin there in th American gulag, readin our Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf, eatin our crackers and wonderin,

"Wha happened?"

th cap'm

P.S. There are some who say I'm jus a cynical, sarcastic old geezer! Who me? Oh pshaw! G'wan, geddoutta here!!


Date: Monday, November 16, 2009 2:04 AM

Y'know, th whole sports genre is about as full of trite, worn-out, over used cliches as any thing ya can think of. I hope I'm not about to shoot myself in th foot here cuz I need to dodge a bullet, otherwise this stuff may come back to haunt me in th fourth quarter, but anyway, one of em that annoys me more than most tho is the word, "struggle."

Have ya ever noticed how it is impossible to get through any football game, and probably any other sports game for that matter, without th announcers pointing out that some body is "struggling". There is always some one who is currently "struggling" or, who has "struggled" in th past. Maybe Team X "struggled" in th first half, or perhaps Player Y has been "struggling" to catch a pass, but somebody out there is always "struggling" You will hear this phrase at least a half dozen times a game. Heck, even if both teams somehow played a near perfect game with very few mistakes, I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear some announcer say,

"Yeah, he played a good game today, but this is a guy who is going to be struggling in th future!"

Y'know, cuz evidently, somebody's always gotta be "struggling". I know th word is a short-cut, an effort to condense in simple language a more complicated and detailed set of circumstances, which might take up too much time to explain, so th word "struggle" pops up with regularity, but jus fer th hell of it, jus once, I'd like to hear a game sometime where th announcers are warned beforehand that if they use th word, "struggle" or any variation of th word durin th game, they will be fined $5,000 for each infraction. Y'know what I mean!

I'd jus like to hear one "struggle-free" game! Is such a thing possible?

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, I jus happened to be readin in th Sunday Parade magazine where this gurl named Jessica Szhor who plays a role on this TV show called, The Gossip Girls..... I dunno, whatever th hell that is; but anyway, Jessica was talkin bout her new movie Piranha 3-D comin out soon, and she said,
"I was in Arizona shooting it, and we had to pretend piranhas were attacking us when there were no piranhas actually there."

Ha ha OK, did'ja catch that? See, they had to pretend there were piranhas attackin em......... when there weren't reely any piranhas there!! When I read that, I couldn't help but think,

"Hmmmm, Jessie, like..... isn't that what they call "acting?!"

Y'know, like, ya pretend yer some one else.... or ya pretend to be mad... or happy.... or you pretend to be a doctor, or y'know, whatever.....but see, it's all "pretend" my dear.


Subject: #133 Walkie Talkie USA | LO-FI SAINT LOUIS
Date: Friday, November 13, 2009 5:23 PM

A little clip of yer basic rock n roll, by way of Jason Hutto and the Walkie-Talkies.



Date: Tuesday, November 10, 2009 2:20 PM

Last nite on th way home from th saloon I heard a commercial on th radio from Wal-Mart. I'm paraphrasin here, but it went somthin like this,

"In these tough economic times we have to do everything we can to save some money. So, th next time you need an oil change, instead of paying some one else to do it, why don't you do it yourself?! It's so simple and easy any one can do it, and you can save yourself some money ...... and while you're at it, save yourself some more money by buying your oil at Wal-Mart. You'll find you can't beat our prices!"

Like I said, I was parphrasin, but thas th gist of th ad. I couldn't help but wonder tho, how th owner of an outfit, like say, Jiffy-Lube feels about th largest retailer in th world encouragin peoples to forego their oil changin services, which I'm sure provides a significant portion of their sales income, and do it themselves so Wal-Mart, Th Largest Retailer In Th World, can make a few more cents sellin em th oil they'll be needin?

I mean, I don't have any problem with Wal-Mart runnin an ad about their oil, but do they have to encourage peoples to avoid doin business with another outfit, jus so they can tie in th money saved by doin that, to th money that can be saved by then buyin their oil at Wal-Mart? Are ya understandin my bitch here? Now, I don't own any oil changin business, so I've got nothin involved here personally, but I am no fan of Wal-Mart! Fuck th whole godam Walton Gang. Peoples like to use Wal-Mart as a prime example of th benefits of our economic system, and how you can become one of the richest peoples in th world by takin advantage of our Capitalist System. Th thing those admirers of Wal-Mart never mention tho are th thousands of small businesses, all over th entire country that Wal-Mart drove into bankruptcy. Every Wal-Mart, especially in small towns, replaced scores of smaller, local businesses, who could not compete with them in prices. Wal-Mart was selling things cheaper than th local business could even buy them! So, Wal-Mart was built on th bones of thousands of smaller businesses, so they could become th richest peoples in th world. Well, I say, "Fuck th Waltons and Fuck Wal-Mart!"

That ad I mentioned is a good example of their attitude. If it were some how possible for Wal-Mart to increase their oil sales by drivin out of business All th places that currently do oil changes, they would do so in a New Yawk second. Their business model consists of drivin all other competitors out of business so they can become even more obscenely rich than they already are! And peoples admire that!

Sheeit, th Waltons are currently worth about SIXTY-FIVE BILLION DOLLARS! Wouldn't ya think they'd be satisfied with that?! Do they really need to encourage peoples to boycott certain businesses so those peoples will then have to buy th supplies they need now from Wal-Mart?

And if ya think th Waltons have gotten rich while amassing their fortunes at th expense of thousands and thousands of small businesses, jus stop and think about th Chinese! Where do ya think th Chinese got th TRILLION DOLLARS they have loaned us to keep our country afloat? Is there anything in th Wal-Mart inventory that doesn't come from China? Can ya buy anything any more thas made in th USA? American Industry is a dodo.

Admiral Yamamoto, th architect of th attack on Pearl Harbor, who was opposed to war with th US confided after th raid, "I am afraid we have awoken a sleeping giant!" He realized that th Industrial Capacity of this country would eventually overwhelm th Japanese, and thas exactly what happened. I think thas what th Waltons did. But that sleeping giant is some ONE BILLION THREE HUNDRED MILLION strong. Now, thas a SLEEPING GIANT!!......but they're awake now! And they're comin fer ya!! It's jus a matter of time, and not that much time either! And it's Ironic when ya stop to think about it; our Cold War rivals fer 50+ years, th godless Chinese Commies, have used our own economic system to overwhelm us and take us down. Th coolie who worked in th rice paddy a few years ago now has a factory makin power tools which he sells to Wal-Mart by th ship load!

Yep, our days, as th pre-eminent country in th world are over now! Th US is in it's last days as th World Super Power. We are th Britain of th next generation, still desperately clingin to power thas no longer there. Has-beens. Thas our future. Th writin is on th wall and it's plain to see, if ya jus open yer eyes!

OK, so, Wal-Mart shoppers, feget yer local businesses, save yerself a few at Wal-Mart... help th Waltons and th Chinese, yeah right, cuz ya know those po' folks need all th help they can get, eh?

th cap'm

P.S. If yer younger than 25, it's not too late to learn Mandarin, cus ya'll be needin it in th future.

Date: Thursday, November 5, 2009 10:51 AM

This is a Latin expression which means,

"Let the dope smoker beware!"

Recently, I read an article in th paper about a guy from St. Louis. In 2008 he used a butcher knife to stab his wife to death. However, he was found Not Guilty by reason of Insanity, because his doctor said th killing, get this,

"resulted from a brief psychotic episode brought on by his withdrawal from marijuana."

Jus another example of a sane, ordinary citizen bein turned into a deranged, psychotic Mad Man by th deleterious and pernicious effects of The Devil Weed. And you thought it was jus a little harmless
distraction from everyday life, eh?! Had he had enuff sense left, he woulda turned himself in to a sanctioned Detox Center, funded by th COMBAT tax fund, and he and his wife would probably be enjoyin conjugal bliss, even as I pen this.

But nooo, it was too late fer that, his brain had already been turned to mush, and so he got out his butcher knife and began pokin his wife about th head and shoulders until her all her blood gushed out takin her Life Force with it, causin her to be dead! But because of his Insanity Defense, rather than State Prison, he was sent instead to a State Mental Facility fer treatment. Y'know fer treatment fer his
occasional urge to hack peoples with a butcher knife. However, he got bored with th place I guess, cuz one day he jus walked away! His freedom was short lived tho cus he was captured almost immediately.

This is where it gets kinda amusin, becuz, check this out; he was then sentenced to th maximum 5 years in State Prison fer walkin away from th hospital. haha Does that make any sense to you? I mean are ya seein th contradiction here?

After Murderin his wife, he was sent to the Nuthouse for Treatment ....... but then....... he was sent directly to Prison fer th crime of Escaping from th Bug House!! That'll teach that fuckin nut, huh!!

He was contrite tho. "I deeply regret the decision." he said, because, he realized that fleeing th hospital "was contrary to law."

So now, when he finishes servin his prison time fer Walking Away From The Hospital, (a heinous crime, don't you agree) he will be returned back to the Mental Hospital so that he may continue receiving treatment.....I would assume so that in th future, he will avoid stabbing peoples to death because he can't get his marijuana "fix".

It seems to me that th simple solution would be to make sure th dude has got a steady supply of Herb....thus eliminating those pesky "brief psychotic episodes."

By the way, this dude's name was...... Lloyd Grass! No jive. I'm not smokin ya, thas his name! So.....let this be a lesson to all you "potheads" out there who say,

"Chill, aw'right! Marijuana's No Big Deal!"

Tell that to Lloyd Grass. Tell that to his late wife Sherry Grass. (at yer next seance perhaps)

OK, so looky here, th next time ya get that phone call where yer connection gives ya that dreaded message, ya know, th one we all live in fear of.

"Hey man, I didn't score. Th deal didn't go down!"

When th realization sinks in that yer not gonna get that quarter OZ you were countin on, oh th Horror, eh! When yer knees go weak and ya start shakin, yer heart's palpitatin, yer joints are achin, ya begin
hyperventilatin, yer throat becomes dry, yet yer body is sweatin, and in between th chills ya feel like ya have a temperature of 105; Fuck the Detox Center Duke!! I know! I know! I mentioned th Detox Center earlier, but fuck that shit! Ya don't have time fer that right now! This is a stone fuckin Emergency, y'dig!? Don't jack around. Call a friend...... immediately.........and have em lock ya up in a room. (remember Frankie Machine in The Man With The Golden Arm) Be sure that th room has been properly "sanitized", i.e., all sharp objects have been removed, so that ya won't begin stabbin yer buddy about th head and shoulders "in a brief psychotic episode", and then ride it out fer th next four or five days. Eventually, you will begin to feel like a Human Being again.

I'm thinkin of writin a song about this heart-rending event fer th sake of our naive youth called, "The Ballad of Lloyd and Sherry Grass, An Ode To Lost Innocence And Shattered Dreams Brought On By The Scourge Of Marijuana Addiction." Kinda a catchy title, eh?!

Whadda ya think? For those of ya who may be inspired to give up th Evil Devil Weed altogether as a result of this tragic tale, Kudos and Accolades to you. I guess?! But looky here, before ya do anything
rash, vis a vis yer stash that is, y'know like, flush it down th toilet or somthin else equally insane, ya might as well go Socialist....... not fer long mind ya....... jus long enuff to redistribute th remains of yer stash to th Have-nots, like ME, fr'instance! Becuz.....if I might be so bold as to be brutally candid,
I'm needin a joint right now... BAD! Square biz!

But hey, y'know what, if ya can't, it's cool, OK...... so don't worry bout it, cuz durin th past 50 years of my close relationship with Herb, there have been numerous other occasions when I wasn't holdin either, y'know, and yet I didn't go about stabbin whoever happened to be in my neighborhood at th time. In other words, I have been "brief-psychotic- episode-free".

th cap'm

P.S. I'd like to find out who Lloyd Grass's Lip was, cus any lawyer who can get a dude off a murder rap, on th basis of "Lack of Marijuana Made Him Do It" is a guy whose card y'need to have on ya at all times! Cus, y'know, jus in case.........

Date: Tuesday, November 3, 2009 5:22 AM

Y'know, a couple days ago I alluded to th Smoking Ban and even tho I quit smokin myself four years ago, that restriction of a person's right to indulge in smoking still pisses me off no end, Why in th fuck should non-smokers have th right to ban an activity that others enjoy? Why should those assholes be able to tell a bar owner that he can't allow smoking in his bar? It's his fuckin bar!! Why isn't that HIS decision? Well, peoples say,

"Oh gosh, it's so nasty and vile. I can't stand to be around it! Besides, every one knows it's bad for your health, so why should I be forced to breathe in some one else's smoke?"

To which I say,

"Well I certainly can understand your viewpoint that you don't wish to be a round it and I think you have every right not to patronize a place where others are smoking... so th easy....... th simple solution for you, would simply be to...... STAY TH FUCK OUT OF SUCH PLACES and only go to bars which have a No Smoking Policy! I mean, why in th hell can't you have SMOKING ALLOWED bars and NON-SMOKING bars?"

Just like a bar owner should have th right to allow his patrons to smoke if they wish, so also does another bar owner have th same right to DENY smoking in his establishment! Like, if ya wanna smoke, ya only go to places that allow smoking, and ya stay th hell outta Non-Smoking joints!! Conversely, if ya don't smoke, ya only go to Non-Smoking joints, and You stay th fuck outta Smoking Allowed joints! Whas wrong with that? How fucking hard would that be? It oughta be up to each individual to decide. But nooo, thas not good enuff fer you non-smokers, is it?? Nah, ya gotta self-righteously impose yer own personal standards on EVERYBODY else!! WHY... WHY... WHY.... do some assholes think that everybody else should conform to whatever it is that they happen to believe?! I'm tellin ya, those kinda fuckin assholes piss me off. Always have, always will. I jus don't get it!

Sheeit ese, I hate to be so redundant and keep repeatin myself over and over, but godam! th solution to th dilemma is jus so fookin simple, and wouldn't infringe on yer own rights one bit. I think they refer to it as, LIVE AND LET LIVE! or YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURS; LET OTHERS TAKE CARE OF THEIRS, or mebbe, MIND YER OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS! I mean, since you don't have to go into such a place and ya have th option to go into th joint right next to it which bans smoking, pleeze explain to me, WHY would you even fuckin care whether they're smokin in that other joint, since it wouldn't have any effect on you at all!!?

Th peoples who passed this No Smoking Ordinance try and sugar coat it by claimin they passed th ordinance fer peoples own good. Don't ya jus love it when other peoples do stuff fer yer own good, whether ya want em to or not! Like, take a biker fr'instance, if he wants to ride his bike without a helmet, what th fuck; it's his head gonna splatter, not yers! If an adult motorist wants to drive sans seatbelt, who cares? He's th one gonna be flyin outta his vehicle, not you! Make those restrictions there only apply to minors. But when it comes to smoking, hey, check this out for a dollop of Hypocrisy; out there at th Casinos, you can smoke there!! No problema! WHY ARE YA ALLOWED TO SMOKE THERE? Well, I dunno!! Why do they get an exemption to this effort to promote Public Health?? I mean, sheeit, I can't help but wonder why they don't give a damn about th welfare of th casino patrons, and workers too?? Thas kinda callous, isn't it?! Isn't their health important too?

And while we're on th subject of utterly stupid laws, what about th absurd law that distinguishes between bar owners who are allowed to be open on Sundays? Whyizzat? Why aren't all bar owners allowed to be open on Sunday if they wish to, becuz some of em are!! What's th deal with that? Sunday, is after all, jus another day. Now some peoples consider Sunday to be a day of Rest and Worship. Well, thas OK... fer them. I have no problem with that. Go to church, worship, go home and relax on th Lord's Day. But hey, jus don't insist that every body else do th same jus because yer particular religion insists on that, cuz accordin to th Constitution, we're supposed to have separation of Church and State. Some peoples religious attitudes about Sundays shouldn't affect Everybody else! So, then why do we have these laws which restrict some bars from bein open on Sundays, if it's not based on these kinda religious notions about Sunday? And keep in mind, it's only in some backwards parts of th country, like KC, fr'instance, where th Bible Thumpers make policy. Oh, but they are progressive tho, in that they will allow some bars to be open on Sundays. Whyizzat? If it's Ok fer one of them , or fifty of them, why then can't th rest? Well, check this; one of th loopholes in that ordinance is; if yer joint is within a mile of a hotel, than ya can stay open! But, y'know..... what fuckin difference should that make?

Well, see, we wouldn't wanna deprive out-of-towners th right to drink some booze on Sunday, cus then, they would wonder what kinda backwater burg they're in anyway? They would go back home and tell their friends about that hick cow-town where ya couldn't even get a drink on Sunday! Don't wanna give any visitors th wrong idea. But hey, y'know what, if ya wanna drink on Sunday, I'll tell ya one place tho where ya can drink... at any of th Casinos! Yeah see, that No-Booze Sunday Bullshit Law doesn't apply to them, y'dig. Nah, they're exempt from that!

Dumb Laws? What about th No Gambling Law? You can get arrested if ya allow a card game in yer joint, or if ya have a video game that pays off in quarters, or if a couple guys are bettin on a pool game or a football game. No Gambling Allowed! Thas illegal! Oh wait, ooops I fergot..... you can gamble at th Casinos! And on Sunday even! Man, those guys at th Casinos. Whatta sweet racket they got goin there huh?!! Sheeit, on Sunday, y'know, this day of Worship and Rest, fer most of th other bar businesses in town, whether they like it or not, they're not allowed to be open. But th Casinos? Sheeit, there on a Sunday, ya can go and smoke all ya want to, get drunk on yer ass, and lose yer whole paycheck gamblin!! All on Sunday! How do they get away with that crap, when th owner of a small tavern isn't even allowed to be open at all, much less allow smoking and gambling too?? Confusin, isn't it?

Man, I'm tellin ya; what a crock of shit how they can go about sanctimoniously enforcing all these stupid laws about gambling, drinking and smoking, all under th guise that it's for th Common Good. Uh huh, yeah right!! And yet, when it comes to th Common Good, these same assholes won't pass a law making it illegal to talk on yer cell phone or text while yer drivin.... because the TeleCommunications Giants would lose a lot of money if everyone stopped talkin on their phone while drivin! I'll bet their billable hours would be cut in least!! Oh sure; lives would be saved and injuries prevented if peoples weren't allowed to get distracted when drivin, But.... th Bottom Line would suffer, and that ain't gonna be allowed to happen! Do ya notice how Big money always seems to go hand in hand when exemptions to the rules that everybody else must follow? When Safety concerns happen to clash with th accumulation of th Dollar, it's always gonna be, "Sorry bout that Bubba! Now..take a hike!!" Th mutherfuckers!!

th cap'm