joe dreck
September, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, wonders ... was the chicken
the inspiration for the mohawk?
Email
capt.dreck@gmail.com

Subject: Television - TV Shack
Date: Tuesday, September 29, 2009 1:21 PM

OK ya'll, here is an Uber-Cool site sent my way by my buddy Th Swalm. He sent it to me in regards to th thing I wrote about Dragnet. I just watched th first episode of Dragnet in 1951; it's a trip boyz n gurlz!! But there is a wealth of material there for you. It has Tons of Movies, TV shows, Documentaries, and so on. Th shows can take a bit to download, but it's worth th wait. You'll like this site, AND keep this in mind.......it comes complete with Th Cap'm's Guarantee of Satisfaction, or Double Yer Money Back!! How can ya gone wrong on that? You must check it out.

http://tvshack.net/tv/thcaptm

P.S. By the way, if fer some ungodly reason yer not satisfied and ya would like to take advantage of that Guarantee, all I can say is........ GET REAL!! YOU MUST BE OUTTA YER FOOKIN MIND!!


Subject: DRAGNET RETURNS
Date:Sunday, September 27, 2009 10:48 PM

Sgt. Joe Friday and Barack.wmv

OK, a buddy sent this to me. This is a small clip from th revival of th series in th mid to late ‘60s. I hope ya can access it cus it's reely amusin in their not so subtle efforts to manipulate public opinion of th times.

Hell, I remember Dragnet very well and as a dumb fuckin kid, I liked it. Sheeit, I used to eagerly look forward to it every week, laying around on th living room floor and listenin to it on th radio.
"DUM DA DUM DUM!! My name is Joe Friday and I'm a cop!"

It was great! Well, as I mentioned, I was jus a dumb fuckin kid of th late '40's and early '50's, sheeit, whad I know?! Then it went to th TeeVee in th 50's and it was reely cool. But then when they revived it in th mid sixties, I was a much different person then and it jus got to be a joke. They used that show to push th whole Nixonian notions of Law and Order, anti-drug hysteria, and to rail against Juvenile Delinquency and th Anti-Authoritarian un-washed hippies. Joe Friday did every thing but dress imself up in th flag every episode. His uber-patriotic bullshit rhetoric jus got to be too much to be taken seriously. So we took it fer laffs instead! We used to sit around and get stoned and listen with glee as he and his side kick spewed every trite, American Propagandistic cliche they could fit into one show. So, keep that flavor in mind as ya listen to them mouthin th American Way to th contrite and ashamed Obama in th video.

Furthermore, I would bet any amount of money that in that particular episode, they were lecturing some long-haired hippie kid they'd rounded up in some protest march. This little sermon they deliver here is typical of th crap they uttered week after week from around '66 to 69 or 70, don't remember fer sure. Well sheeit, it was 40 years ago, and besides, I was pretty fucked up most of th time then. Fuck! Y'know, it was th 60's Duke!!

Today, it wouldn't surprise me in th slightest to find out that th Nixon White House pre-approved, if not provided, th scripts for them; th bias was that blatant! Th anti-dope shows were th best tho, showin kids goin literally crazy on The Devil Weed Marijuana; they were nothin more than modern day versions of "Reefer Madness" in their silliness and outright absurdity. They had kids jus goin berserk, climbin th walls, cowerin in th corners cryin and slobberin fer their Mommies, completely freakin out cus they needed their next "Marijuana fix"! Needin it Reel Bad, y'know!! You Potheads out there know th soul wrenchin anguish I'm rappin about, don'cha?! It was a genuine hoot! And this little clip brought it all back, not th dope part, but jus th general tone of th shows. If yer younger, ya might wonder what I'm carryin on about; mebbe it's one of those deals where.......ya jus had to be there!!

th cap'm


Subject: THE CHIEF-ETTES
Date: Sunday, September 27, 2009 5:15 PM

OK ya'll, I don't usually write about our fabled sports team, the Kansas City Chiefs, altho I like football. But under Herm Edwards, it was just too unbearably painful watching the Chiefs bumble around for an entire game trying to score one, or on a good day, maybe two field
goals. There was absolutely nothing good to write about each week and just too much bad. It was all just too boringly horrible to even bother with. So, I didn't. Three words best describe the Chiefs under Herm Edwards, Pathetic, Pathetic, Pathetic!!

But finally, the Chief's Organization decided it was time to take some bold action. So, they got rid of Herm, and our perennial General Manager Carl Peterson. You remember him? The snake oil salesman who kept promising us a Super Bowl within five years! And then after
twenty fucking years, finally ran out of Five Year Plans. Thank god, Hallelujah!

So, Management brought in Scott Peoli from the Patriots as GM, and then they acquired Todd Haley, the former offensive Whiz Kid who masterminded the Arizona Cardinals meteoric rise the two last years, to replace the lethargic Herm Edwards. In the house cleaning that ensued, we replaced our cadre of less than mediocre quarterbacks with th young whiz, Matt Cassel, also from last year's Patriots, and made him our Quarterback of The future. We gave him a seven year, 60
million dollar salary to lead the Chiefs back to some respectability.So, we looked forward to the new season with what is usually described as "cautious optimism". Because, in spite of the obvious doubts, there seemed to be some hope that things would be better this year. And considering that we only managed to win two fookin games last year, it wasn't unreasonable to assume we would improve this year, eh?! I mean, sheeit, if we could win just three games; that would be improvement wouldn't it!!

So, under the anemic offensive leadership of Chan Gailey, after losing th first three games of the exhibition season, the brilliant Head Coach Haley decided he needed to take over the offensive reins himself. Chan Gailey wasn't accomplishing anything positive for the team. They were unable to score an offensive touchdown. It was disappointing to say the least. But now with Coach Haley runnin the show himself, isn't this great?! And even though the team has lost it's last four games under his leadership, SIGH we can only imagine how bad it might have been otherwise? I mean, consider; what if Chan Gailey hadn't been fired? Where would we be now?
Sheeit! OK, all sarcasm aside, a scary but inescapable thought has
entered my mind, it's like a nightmare. Like, what if after this season is over, we nostalgically remember Herm Edwards time here as,

"The good ol days!"

th cap'm


Subject: THOSE MUTHERFUCKERS AT AT&T
Date: Friday, September 25, 2009 4:01 PM

I swear, those peoples from Time-Warner and AT&T must be in a conspiracy to drive me stark raving mad. And they're doin a good job of it too! I spent an hour and a half on th phone last month with a guy from AT&T about my bill. They were tryin to charge me for a whole bunch of things I never ordered. It was ridiculous! Finally, the guy gave me some credits and told me he would straighten everything out and my next bill (th one I got today) would be their minimum bill, with no extra features of any kind, and that it would be $23.80.

My bill I got today was ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO DOLLARS!!!

I spent an hour and fifteen minutes arguing with a supervisor and got nowhere! Th gurl I spoke with said she didn't know anything about any arrangements some one else may have made but that she could only go by th information she had, and that there were no records of anything I was saying. They now want to charge me $23.95 to stop services I never ordered in th first place! I went berserk on her! She, in effect, wants me to prove that I didn't order those services. I said,

"You want me to prove I didn't oder those services? How in th fuck am I supposed to do that?"

She said I needed a "Confirmation Order To Cancel". I screamed in frustration and near hysteria,

"But how th fuck can I give you a Cancellation Order Number since I never ordered anything to begin with?"

You simply can't beat those assholes! Now they want me to pay th $122 bucks first, while they "investigate" and then they say they'll credit me on next month's bill or th month after that. IF, that is, they discover they're wrong! Whadda'ya think th chances are of that?? TH MUTHERFUCKERS!!

th cap'm

P.S. I jus talked with th elderly lady I've been drivin about for th last 9 years. But becuz of ill health, she can't get around anymore. I called her to tell her I jus discovered yesterday that a large topaz she has, and that she had talked about selling before, is worth about nine or ten thousand dollars. I found that out yesterday when I took a similar one to Tivol's to get an estimate on it. She sold hers a couple of days ago for $200 dollars! Two-hundred lousy steenkeeng dollars! I'm so pissed here today!! I wish I could get my hands on those scumbags who took advantage of a 94 y/o lady who needed 200 bucks!! What is th matter with people?! How could they do that?


Subject:Whose A Warrior?
Date: Friday, September 25, 2009 9:58 AM

I happened to see part of an interview of a college quarterback a couple nights ago: I think th kid was from K-State, I'm not sure. But he was talkin about their last game and his teammates and he said somthin, like,

"I'm proud of them. I love them. They're Warriors, every one of them!"

NAH! Nah! Nah! Wait a minute Jose, Whoa! No they're not! They are not Warriors! They're football players. Big difference there, OK!?

See, you guys aren't in a War Duke, you're jus playing a Game. It's a Game, OK!! Peoples play Games. Peoples fight Wars. A warrior is a brave and tough soldier fighting in a War, putting his life on th line. He could very easily get killed!! And while football is definitely a tuff game, no pussies need apply, it's still a Game! One doesn't have to worry too much about getting killed. Th guys on th other team; sheeeit, they're only tryin to outscore ya and win th Game, they're nor tryin to Kill ya and win th War. So... stop with th Warrior comparisons, aw'right! Cuz thas a bunch of hyperbolic bullshit.

I spose one shouldn't be too surprised tho, when you stop and consider all th rest of th military references that go hand in hand with sports, especially football. Think of em.

blitz
cannon for an arm
th guys in th trenches
th bomb
flanks
explode up th middle
on th move
juggernaut
unrelenting aerial attack
fired a bullet
penetrate deep in enemy territory
rocket for an arm
explosive
battle plan
battled valiantly
generalship
rally th troops
pull th trigger
ground attack
captain of th team

There are plenty more of em; I'm sure you can think of some too, eh?! Go ahead, gimme some more. Any way, next time ya hear some one talkin bout th warriors on their football team jus tell em to SHUT TH FUCK UP WITH THAT BULLSHIT!!

th cap'm


Subject: MENTALLY IMMOBILIZED
Date:Thursday, September 24, 2009 2:29 PM

OK ya'll, I recently picked up a bad case of The Malaise somewhere. I'm not sure where exactly, I dunno, can ya get that off a toilet seat? Or, some one sneezin in yer vicinity? But anyway, it's been two weeks since I posted anything of my own. Oh yeah, I know, I passed along a couple things I had received myself, but nothin else. So yesterday, my buddy Bruce th Rodgers, th Honcho, El Jefe down there at yer eKC, thas th on-line mag that runs my tripe every week, wrote and ast me "Whas sup? Haven't heard from you lately." I told im, I wonder sometimes......

y'know, like, what's it all about Alfie? That sorta thing, y'know? Like, who gives a shit?! I told im bout The Malaise and he wrote me back;

"Thousands of people have been clamoring for new postings. I have to sneak out to my car and wear sunglasses to try and avoid the catcalls. People drive by my house late at night yelling, "Bring Us New Dreck!" I'm worried about the backlash. Conservatives are elated. Glenn Beck has declared victory, taking credit for having forced your resignation. Bicyclists are planning a big rally, vowing to clog miles of streets in celebration; everywhere smokers are whacking their packs. Young girls vow never to read, knowing dreck isn't there to challenge them and they are free to say stupid things, and young guys are again ruining the game of pool through ignorance of the rules. Time-Warner stock has soared on stories of your retirement. Rumors are that beer prices will climb without the ‘dreck effect.’"

SNAP OUT OF IT AND SAVE THE WORLD!

BR

Well, y'see, that inspired me! Altho inspired me to what exactly, I'm not sure? Cuz I think th Bruce may tend towards Hyperbole a bit, huh? Ya think?? But as I pondered his words, I recalled th advice of th ancient Master, when th Student ast what th future holds? He replied,
"We shall see!"

th cap'm


Subject: QUESTION RAISED
Date: Friday, September 11, 2009 1:22 PM

Wednesday nite, in his speech President Obama said, and I'm not paraphrasin here, this is what he said,

"If we can slow the growth of health care costs one tenth of one percent.......just one tenth of one percent... it will actually reduce the deficit by four trillion dollars over the long term."

I don't understand those figures at all? Reducing the deficit FOUR TRILLION DOLLARS by slowing the growth in health care by "just one tenth of one percent"?

Can you explain those figures for me? When I asked my buddy, New Yawk Dave if he could explain such gobbledygook, he replied, "Yes!". And while that was a succinct answer, I still had a question, like,

"Say fucking WHAT??"

Then he wrote back to elaborate that, "Over the long term" was the key phrase there. Well, OK, I caught that, but........I thought he was supposed to be clarifying things. How vague is that? Is that over ten years? A hundred? What? And if that 4 trillion in savings only represents, as he stressed, one tenth of one percent, then the original figure would have to be FOUR QUADRILLION DOLLARS. Thas quite a lot of cash, y'know what I mean? Thas 4,000 trillion dollars. Like, if ya went to withdraw that kinda money from yer bank, I'm bettin yer teller would have to check with one of her superiors first. As a matter of fact, I would bet thas more money than all the governments of the world have spent in the last 100 years. It's a gigantic, incomprehensible figure. Right off hand, I'm thinkin th Pres misspoke as they say.

Or, am I wrong here? Did I miss somthin? Did I miscalculate? Help me out ya'll.

th cap'm


Subject: CONSUMER TIP FROM TH CAP'M
Date: Wednesday, September 9, 2009 4:24 PM

A couple days ago, I had a flat on my right front tire. No big deal cuz I have one of those small compressors that plug into yer cigarette lighter and I've used it many times over the years. Altho they're not reel fast, they will do th job! So, I hooked it up to th tire and twenty minutes later, I realized it wasn't helping. Th air was obviously coming out as fast as it was goin in.

Curses! So I went back in th crib and called several outfits who utilize larger compressors to do that kinda thing, and they all charged 45 fuckin dollars! Sheeit. Forty-five bucks! I couldn't find any one to do it for less.

So, I didn't reely have any choice! I called up this one outfit and when th guy arrived and hooked up his compressor, it still wasn't fillin up. Damn, now I was lookin to have to replace th tire, and this is an expensive tire too, y'know, one of those low profile tires that came with my custom wheels. But then he jacked th car up jus enuff for th tire to clear th ground, and Presto, Whizzo, EUREKA, it worked!! All it needed was to raise th wheel to allow th tire to seal around th rims.

And then, I remembered... sheeit, I had done that very thing before myself....but I had forgotten about it. And that lapsed memory costs me 45 fuckin dollars!

So.. boyz n gurlz, if youse got one of those little compressors and ya get a flat and it doesn't seem to be workin, by all means, try jackin yer ride up jus a bit. It's likely yer gonna save yerself some dough! Like, forty-five fuckin dollars!!

th cap'm

P.S. Whyizzit that it seems all lessons gotta be learned th hard way!? Not to mention th expensive way!


Subject: CRAIGS LIST
Date: Tuesday, September 8, 2009 7:58 PM

A friend of mine, who is a "gun enthusiast" sent this to me earlier today. As a joke of sorts I spose, knowing I'm more in the camp for Gun Control rather than Gun Rights. Evidently it's meant to illustrate the advantages of gun ownership.
____________________________________________________Hey, Charley? I thought you'd enjoy this. It's supposed to have come from Craig's List, which is a place online (there's one for every major city) for people to swap things, find dates, etc. Read this.
________

An Actual Craigslist Ad:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last, Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target., The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... "An armed society makes for a more civil society."
______________________________________________________________

Hmmm........well, at first glance one gets the point, eh. But then, after about one second of reflection, I saw a bit more there than is obvious. Glenn Beck and I have this knack. So I wrote back,

"tsk, tsk, Now while an amusing tale, I hardly think this is for real. Nah, I don't think so! It sounds more like some vigilante's wet dream to me. Fr'instance, does this law-abiding citizen realize that it's a federal crime to threaten the life of the President? Even as a bizarre joke on the perp!

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

And regarding the Secret Service; I'm sure they would fail to see the humor when they shortly tracked him down. And in the course of getting his revenge this "law abiding" citizen committed several other crimes himself*, altho at least not federal anyway.

*I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
(hmm vandalism, destruction of private property. And it would be a shame if that car belonged to some one else, wouldn't it?)

*Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! (pretty solid case of fraud)

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (at gun point no less: armed robbery)

And he did leave some clues** that would have been easy to track down.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

four other people in the gas station

There's a real strong possibility the Federal judge wouldn't have been real sympathetic to his vigilante efforts to enforce a bit of "street justice" in spite of the fact the victim was only looking for a little payback. And one thing is for sure, when one of his fellow inmates threatened him with a shank on D Block in the Federal joint he was sent to, that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol wouldn't be readily available then, huh!

Nah, like I said, I kinda doubt any such thing ever transpired. But still, an amusing story of personal retribution in these lawless times. lol

charley


Subject: THE GREAT OBAMA/COSTCO CONSPIRACY
Date: Sunday, September 6, 2009 6:41 PM

Some how or another, Commie Obama has enlisted th aid of Costco in his efforts to bankrupt th average American citizen. And his minions there are doin a good job of it too! No doubt he wants to set up some kinda National Grocery System. Like, earlier this afternoon I went to Costco with th intention of buyin two gallons of milk and some potato chips. I was figurin, two gallons $1.99 @ gallon and mebbe 4 bucks fer chips, I was gonna spend around nine bucks! But nooooo, his underlings there connived, contrived, and cajoled and my bill came to ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE BUCKS!! Sheeit! Whas up with that?!

I wonder if Glenn Beck knows about this nefarious plot? I'm surprised he hasn't made th connection yet, cus he's reel good when it comes to makin those connections that normally, no one else but him can see. I saw it tho, plain as day! But evidently no one else besides Glenn and I are hip enuff to see these things? And yet, when we try and warn peoples of th deadly peril they're in, they jus laff at us and say we're jus a couple crazy fuckin imbeciles. And yet these machinations are goin on right here under our very noses! But no one but us Seers are payin attention!

WAKE UP AMERICA!! STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!!

th cap'm

P.S. Well, anyway, when th revolution comes and we run these Commies back to Mother Russia where they belong, I'll have enuff various condiments to spice up th meals of th entire Freedom Fighter Corp


Subject: I'M SERIOUS. REALLY, I"M SERIOUS!
Date: Friday, September 4, 2009 12:25 AM

GLENN BECK IS INSANE!

No, this is not a joke, I'm serious, th man is completely wacko! He could very easily be th Poster Boy of th Deranged, Psycho Lunatic! If ya don't believe me, I can prove it. Well, not by myself, but with your help I can prove it. Here's what ya gotta do, and it's pretty simple really;

WATCH HIS SHOW ONE TIME!!

Thas it! Thas all ya gotta do; jus spend one hour of yer time and watch and listen to him. If after one hour of his babblin rants, ya don't agree with me that he's a righteous Lunatic, that he's ravin mad bonkers, then I would respectfully suggest that mebbe ya fergot to take yer meds.

His show of yesterday was classic Glenn Beck at his absolute looniest. He got to rantin and ravin about th CBS building in Rockefeller Center in New York, and th Communist influences in th decor of th building itself, and I'm not smokin ya, it was sheer Madness! His interpretations of some details of th building, and their secret meanings was jus hilarious. And his astonishment that New Yorkers walked by this building every day and didn't even realize what was right in front of their eyes? Well, it was Shocking! I'm tellin ya, SHOCKING! Blatant Commie Propaganda right in th heart of New Yawk City, and no one but him noticed it! And so, in his effort to root outth Communist, Fascist, Socialist, Progressive crap all around us, draggin us down into th mud, he exposed it. Thank God fer Glenn Beck! Hallelujah! WAKE UP AMERICA!!

Oh sure, Glenn's not alone; there's lotsa other wackos out there, but how does Glenn stack up against others of his ilk? Fr'instance, let's consider th rest of that Fox News crew, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Greta Van Susteren. I'm on th other side of th fence with all those peoples on jus about any issue out there. I agree with almost Nothing that comes outta their mouths, but I think they're jus "misguided", to put it charitably. haha Now Rush Limbaugh, on th other hand is more of Glenn Beck's persuasion, in that he definitely tends towards bein outta his fuckin mind!! But then, in Rush's defense, he's so fucked up on Oxycotin, he's lucky if he even knows where he is, much less what he's blatherin about. I think Glenn goes beyond even Rush in his lunacy!

So, looky here, jus watch his show one time. OK?! Jus once. See what th man is all about. Then judge fer yerself. I'm confident ladies and gentlemen that you will reach th unavoidable conclusion; that he's

STARK RAVING MAD!

th cap'm

P.S. Hey, ya know what would make a reely, reely entertaining program? What if Rush and Glenn teamed up? Can ya imagine that? Those two psychopaths feedin off each others Lunacy and Paranoia, drivin each other into a frenzy!

Now, I don't like Rush, ya know that!