joe dreck
August, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, wonders ... was the chicken
the inspiration for the mohawk?
Email
capt.dreck@gmail.com

Subject: ST ANTHONY TO THE RESCUE
Date: Monday, August 31, 2009 4:37 PM

HUZZAH! HUZZAH! LET THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN!! LET THE BELLS RING, FATTEN A CALF, INFORM THE COURT JESTERS, BREAK OUT THE WINE AND BEGIN THE DANCING AND SINGING!

I'm tellin ya, this is just too fuckin INCREDIBLE! Ya know, I told ya last week about losin my Mercury-head dime earring again! And altho I had mentioned bout callin on St. Anthony to help me out, I hadn't actually made a formal request yet. But this past Saturday nite there at yer Bobby Baker's, I saw a couple of old buddies of mine and my amigo, Jim th H (I jus call im Beeg Jeeem) asked me about my earring? I told im there hadn't been any progress yet. But yesterday, recallin that conversation got me to thinkin. Even tho it was lost, I had jus assumed all along that it would show up around th crib here somewhere and so I hadn't reely looked very hard yet, nor had I asked St. Anthony fer any assistance yet either. So, I gave th joint a reel thorough searching.
I looked every place Duke! I went over every square inch, but Nada! Sheeit, I even searched th freezer, y'know, cuz I have been known to put things there sometimes in moments of drunken paranoia. But it jus wasn't here in th crib any place! I knew then, there was only one option left. I needed some extra special assistance. So, I made an Official Request! I asked St. Anthony to give me a hand. Now I know he's a busy dude, so I wasn't expectin any results anytime soon, y'know, cus, like, sometimes these things can take a while, but I was confident that eventually, that which was lost, would be found!

So, today, my phone rang about 11:30 wakin me up. It was my landlord and I was kinda peeved cuz he knows thas too early to be disruptin my sleep. But, right off th bat he tells me he found an earring in th driveway earlier this morning with a a dime in it and wanted to know if it was mine? ZOUNDS! I said,

"Mutherfucker! Godam! Yeah, thas mine!!" He said he thought it looked familiar.

Can ya believe that? This is jus too bizarre cuz I lost that very same earring bout 4 or 5 years ago one time in th winter. Months and months went by and even my appeals to St. Anthony had come to naught. But I happened to be talkin to th landlord one day in th summer months later and in th course of our conversation he mentioned that he had found a rather unusual earring in th driveway that morning, and when he described it, Eureka! I leaped up in th air and exclaimed,

"Mutherfucker! Godam! Thas mine!!"

And now years later, th same dude, found th same earring, in th same fookin place! Sheeeit! Fuck! So, looky here ese, I don't know what th deal is with that earring, but fer some reason, altho I've lost it now prolly 6 or 7 times over th last thirty years, evidently that earring and I are linked together in some kinda strange, inexplicable fashion, and even tho there are periods when we're separated fer brief interludes, fer some reason, we always get reunited! And in every case, St. Anthony is involved! hmmm, I wonder? Whyizzat? Whut does it mean? Whut's th connection, if any? Or mebbe, as Mr Natural sez, as he sez about everything,

"It don't mean sheeit!!"

I dunno! But, I wonder??

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, if I should happen to lose that earring again, th first thing I'm gonna do after I check in with St. Anthony is: ask my landlord if he found it in th driveway?


Subject: GLENN BECK
Date: Sunday, August 30, 2009 3:46 PM

Glenn Beck; I ask ya, is he a piece of work or what? If he's not the biggest, stupidest, looniest, most outrageous, snake-oil salesman buffoon in the world, who is? Oh wait, dammit, I forgot about th rest of th Insane Posse, Rush, and Sean, and their skanky ho buddies, Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingram and Ann Coulter. Wow! Those three women give hookers and sluts everywhere a bad name.

But I've been watchin Glenn this past week to see what he had to say after Fox News, GASP of all peoples, suspended him fer a week fer bein too fuckin nutty, even fer them. Now that takes some doin! Fer Fox News to admit publicly by suspendin one of their own fer jus bein too utterly goofy, staggers th mind. One reels! Fox News, mind ya! One of their very own goofballs. Ha ha Too fuckin nutty even fer them!! WHEW! Now thas enuff to take yer breath away. His advertisers have been jumpin off th boat as fast as they can and it's understandable too, cus who would want to be associated with such Idiocy?

Ya ever watch that shifty-eyed quack, rollin his eyes around, babblin and spewin his garbage? With all his phony, smarmy Patriotism and Religiosity. It's disgusting! Makes me wanna puke!! He looks and acts exactly like a person ya would see in th bughouse, th only difference is; I haven't seen him droolin yet. He luvz to play th role of th "embattled martyr" fightin fer th Cause, no matter th personal cost, cuz thas what Super Patriots do! Besides, his Heavenly Father is watchin over him anyway, so he fears no evil! He don't care! America, he's gonna a stand up fer his Principles, maintain his Honor and Integrity, no matter what th cost. But, sheeit, I'm don't know where in th hell this bastard ever got th idea he possessed any Honor or Integrity to begin with, but thas th way with delusional peoples, y'know whut I mean, they have Delusions, and in his case, they're big ones!

Yesterday, I listened to him rail fer his entire show about how Obama was goin to use 500 BILLION dollars to fund a Civilian Army. But this Civilian Army he was talkin about is th AmeriCorp, th modern day equivalent of th Peace Corp of days gone by. Y'know, mostly young kids who volunteer their services to help third world countries find better ways to grow their crops, how to distill their water, etc. But he went on to insinuate, ad nauseam, that AmeriCorp is some kinda sinister Civilian Army, answerable only to Obama? And fer what nefarious purposes? Why does America need a second Army? To protect us from Who and What, he asked over and over again? And he kept stressin that that HALF-TRILLION dollars was as much money as we spend right now to fund th entire Military budget, fr'chrissake. So why does Obama need this special Army and who is it suppose to protect us from? Why does Obama need that huge personal Army that's gonna cost 500 billion dollars? And excuse me bein redundant, fer sayin th same thing over and over, fer repeatin myself endlessly, but thas exactly th way th entire hour went. Th threat is there America! Wake up before it's too late. He mentioned how Hitler had his own private Army, th SS thugs, to do his bidding, unencumbered by any kinda restrictions, cus they answered only to him. Likewise, he mentioned how Saddam had his own Army, th Republican Guards, loyal only to him. And now President Obama is goin to create a Civilian Army to th tune of a HALF TRILLION dollars to further his dream of turnin th good ol USA into th USFA, th United States of Fascist Amerika, with hisself as Supreme Ruler. Well, I dunno, Fascist, Communists, Socialist, sheeit, who knows? But one thing's fer sure; it's not th regular ol USA we've come to love, OK. Hey, I'm sorry if thas not th change ya were promised, but ya never could trust those radical Muslims to keep their word, eh?! But hey, if yer not willin to stand up and fight fer yer Freedom, then jus shut up and faggedaboutit and become a slave! OK?! Th choice is yers America!

OK, now, check this; this is typical Glenn Beck here. After rantin and ravin about this 500 billion dollars fer 55 minutes, and th sinister reasons behind it, he said at th end of th show that he had made a small mistake about th funds fer this Civilian Army. Yep, it seem that th money that is supposed to go to Americorp isn't FIVE HUNDRED BILLION, but rather FIVE Billion. Ooops! Yeah, Ha ha jus a slight difference of 495 BILLION dollars which kinda changes all his suppositions and allegations a bit doesn't it? So.....he did correct himself a bit, but as far as he was concerned, that was jus a trifling error, and so, not to be deterred with some piffling "facts", he still maintained his basic premise; that we all better watch out, cuz they're still COMIN TO GET CHA!! Oh woe America! We want our country back. SOB. BOO HOO! That nasty ol Obama has hi-jacked it. Well, that shouldn't come as any surprise should it? I mean, thas what radical Muslims do, don't they? They hi-jack things!

I remember back in th '60s when these same Glenn Beck kinda peoples, th uncouth, Redneck Silent Majority, told th Civil Rights peoples and th war protestors of th time, patriotic things like, "MY COUNTRY! RIGHT OR WRONG!" and "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT". Sounds like good advice to me, but I'm wonderin jus where they'd like to move to today?

th cap'm


Subject: NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN THE WORLD
Date: Wednesday, August 26, 2009 7:37 PM

I have some good news and some bad news! Altho, truth be told, this news affects so few peoples in th world, that like most of th crap I write, it is little more than a self indulgent exercise. But bear with me; in any case, first story, From Out Of The Ashes, Phoenix Rising.

My contacts on th street have hipped me to some persistent "chatter" they've been pickin up th past few days to th effect that my long time favorite bar of th last 44 years, Mike's Tavern, there at 5424 Troost, which closed Aug, 1st leavin me homeless and bereft, is gonna open back up again soon. So, I checked with th owner, Kurt and his right hand man th D-Rock, and it was confirmed.

Hallelujah! Fer myself, thas fantastic news, and there's lotsa other peoples who'll be glad of it too!
Now, since Mike's has been closed I've been goin to Bobby Baker's there at 74th and Wornall in Waldo to be swillin my beers. A perfectly suitable bar in almost all aspects fer me, with th one flaw, an absence of a pool table, but other than that, a cool place. Several things I like about it are; I happen to know th owner there, Bobby Baker, from many years ago, so thas always cool. And th peoples who work there, mostly members of his family, but also includin an old buddy of mine fer th last 40+ years, are also cool. Th crowd is also a bit older, like y'know, peoples in their late 20's and early 30's, as opposed to th usual late teens and early 20's which ya find in most joints. And then, very importantly, keep this vital bit of info in mind; how are ya gonna beat a Budweiser draft beer fer $1.50, eh? No fookin way, Jose! Is there another bar in Kansas City where ya can get that? Nah, I don't think so Duke! Thas not happening! So, anyway, with this event happenin soon, my general attitude has improved considerably.

OK, now fer th bad news; brace yerselves; I've gone and lost my 1941 Mercury-head dime earring AGAIN! Curses! I've had that earring now fer 30+ years and have gotten attached to it, but evidently, not too attached eh, otherwise it wouldn't be missin now would it, but ya know what I mean! I first noticed it missin on Monday, but I didn't panic. I assumed I would come across it here in th crib some where, but it's been two days now and I'm not havin any kinda luck on my own. SIGH!

It looks like I'm gonna have to call in The Big Gun; Saint Anthony, his own damn bad self! I wonder sometimes if he doesn't get jus a bit peeved at me fer takin up so much of his time, when there must be others out there who lose stuff too. But, even tho I know he's busy, th fact is, he almost always seems to find some time outta his schezhule to do right by me. And he's good at what he does too. There is no better! If any body can find my earring, it's him!! I don't know how he does it, but he has an uncanny knack, an almost supernatural ability as it were, to find seemingly, irretrievably lost things! And th reely cool thing about him is; he's an Equal Opportunity Finder. He doesn't give a shit about yer politics, or yer race or yer religion, or lack of it either, as evidenced by his assistance to me over th years.

So, havin said all that, I'm lookin forward to th re-union of not only my saloon, but also my earring. Ya know what would be cool? To find my earring th same night Mike's re-opens so I could go there fer th joint celebration. Now that would be serendipitous, eh!th cap'm


Subject: Man steals people's banking information
Date: Tuesday, August 25, 2009 3:30 PM

My buddy, Mike th G sent this to me. This is a really slick scam. This could happen to any one. Hope ya can access it. Check it out.

www.wimp.com/goodsamaritan

th cap'm

P.S. Forty years ago when I used to be a salesman for 3M, if we got an early morning appointment, we were allowed to go to that before going into the office. So, on numerous occasions, after a nite of heavy partyin, when th idea of actually getting up and goin to th office was more than I could bear, I had a little scam goin fer myself, inspired by th TV show, Mission Impossible. I had a small tape recorder that I had used to record various office sounds, and I would turn that on and hold it up to th phone, much like th guy in this scam, and I would call and say I was callin from one of my accounts and say I had an appointment with th boss, and would be in th office later. Worked like a charm every time. I had a number of different scenarios that I used. One of them was simply th sounds inside a gas station, where th bell would ring every time a car drove over it. I would call th office and tell em I was out in Belton, fr'instance and was supposed to talk with Mr Jones about settin up a demo fer a copier, and with all th noise and bustle goin on around me, ya'd never guess I was in bed, with a terrible hangover, barely able to speak. Ha ha


Subject: AND THE WHEEL KEEPS ON TURNING
Date: Monday, August 24, 2009 10:13 PM

Some more tomfoolery from th other side, and my reply at th bottom. Where, oh where do these peoples come from? And where do they get these crazy notions? And why aren't they in institutions somewhere getting th meds they so desperately need? Is there something wrong with our Health Care System? What is th solution here anyway?
____________________________________________________

KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY BOYS

Liberty and Freedom,

Friends,

Please note the excellent piece of art (The Gathering Storm) that is shown above.

When the storm finally hits (and it will), those of you who supported the Obama administration will be affected as well. It won't just be us gun owners or Flat Taxers, or Pro-Lifers that get hit. You'll be right there next to us. You see, you all thought the onservatives were nut cases. You know, all of us who believe in God, small government, the Second Amendment, etc. And you thought you could just go back to sleep after the election was over. In your world, America will continue as before. You'll still have the same rights, the same nice house, the same big screen television - it's all good. After all, your high school football team won and the other team lost - go team! Even if you have bothered to look up from the daily grind since Nov 4th, you dismissed everything that has occurred as "politics as usual" - "the same old stuff". In the end, it'll all be OK, won't it?

Not this time. There are a growing number of citizens in the US that are ready to fight to shut down the government's grab of personal freedom, it's blatant abuse of the constitution, and it's attempt to replace the American way of life with socialism. You have to listen carefully to hear them, but they are there. I won't start that fight, but, when it goes down, I will join it.

As for you, why, you'll be shocked because you didn't see it coming. And eventually you'll be saddened when you see that we have truly lost the way of life in which you grew up. You'll be saddened that your children and grandchildren live in a socialist, government-controlled gulag where their every movement from cradle to grave is tracked by the government. But most of all, you'll be saddened by the death of friends and relatives who are brave enough to fight and die for something they believe in.

You know, McCain wasn't much of a candidate. I'll give you that. He was the lesser of two evils for most of us. I don't blame you for not voting for him since, at the time, you didn't know what we all know now. But at least John McCain was an American. He was a supporter of the American way of life and he understood that you can't negotiate with terrorists. He understood and appreciated the sacrifice made by my father and other members of the Greatest Generation.
Mark my words friends. All across America groups are forming. They are forming out of anger and out of desperation at the thought of losing America. They're not militia groups--terrorists as the Department of Homeland security would have you believe.. They are Americans, loyal to the Constitution. They are mothers and fathers and grandparents. They belong to groups like the Minutemen Civil Defense Corps, the Peaceful Resistance, the Constitution Party, the Young Conservatives, the 9/12 Project, and Grassfire. Right now they are fragmented, each focused on its own cause. But sometime in the next two years, our government is going to do something really stupid and these groups will come together. Watch for it, wait for it.get ready. It will happen.
When that event happens, whatever "it" is, our great country is going to plunge into chaos for a while. I pray to God that we make it through that time and emerge a stronger, smarter country.

Jerry Wilson

Live Free or Die Fighting

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women..' - Ronald Reagan 1980

Right off hand, I'd say Jerry Wilson is an hombre that some one should definitely keep an eye on. This guy goes from a seemingly, sensible guy who has some complaints, valid or not, and then morphs into Insane Dangerous Nutball Status. He sounds like some one about to go off the deep end! I'm surprised he didn't mention that he got all this straight from the mouth of God!

By the way Mr. T, my guess is that this ignorant SOB is a fellow Texan, am I right? If so, instead of joining an armed Revolution, and lotsa luck on that one because you can imagine, how the government being so weak, all it would take is a few good men pushing together to accomplish their goals, right! Probably wouldn't take more than a week!

But, maybe you could convince him to push his efforts towards a non-violent solution, like, fr'instance,Texas seceding from the Union instead. That way, he and other like-minded Texans could create the Utopia they dream of; of all White, gun toting, Christian men and women, educating their own children, healing their own sick, delivering their own mail, fetching their own water, fixing and repairing their own streets, bridges and other infrastructure, rebuilding their own houses after hurricanes, etc, etc. completely devoid of all Socialism, and the rest of us could go on about our lives without having to endure their every pesky whine about everything they don't like. Boo hoo hoo! And when the Mexican drug cartels invade them, well, they can use their own beloved guns their own selves to repel them. They can fight the Great War of Texas Independence all over again. Boy, what good Texan wouldn't love to do that, eh? Remember the battle cry,

LIVE FREE OR DIE FIGHTING!

What do you say? Won't you use your influence and please help?

th cap'm


Subject: JUS ANOTHER SATURDAY NITE
Date: Monday, August 24, 2009 4:56 PM

Aw'right, late Saturday afternoon I was reading here on th sofa, and I got a bit drowsy so I took a little nap. I woke up and looked at my watch and it was 7:30. I was a bit disoriented, not sure whether it was day or night, since I can't see out my windows. So, I lay there and remembered th errands I had run earlier in th afternoon, and then I recalled some conversations I had had th night before, and I thought about th Chief's exhibition game and stopping at BK to get a late night snack, so I figured it was Sunday morning. I remember thinkin that since th Chief's play exhibition games on Saturdays; therefore, it had to be Sunday Morning.

So I drifted off back to sleep again and at one point I got up to go to th bathroom and I looked at my watch and it was now 10:00 o'clock, so still thinkin it was Sunday, I set my alarm to go off at 12:30 PM cus I was supposed to meet my mom for lunch at 1:00 PM.

As I padded to th bathroom I noticed there was hardly any light showin thru th window shade. Hmmm, I, thought that was strange cuz matter what kinda weather was goin on, I'd Never seen it that dark before! I couldn't understand! So, throughly perplexed, I went to th front door and looked out and it looked jus like nighttime, but fuck, it was supposed to be 10:00 Sunday morning? What th fucks goin on? I thought I was in th twilight zone. I couldn't understand what was happenin? So I sat on th sofa and tried to remember everything I could about Saturday nite. I remembered watchin th football game but I didn't remember comin back in th crib tho, but sheeit, thas not so unusual, but what was reely fuckin unusual was th fact that it was pitch black out at 10:00 in th fookin morning? I wanted to call some one to see what was happenin, but what was I to say? Like, "Could you explain to me why it is pitch black at 10:00 o'clock in th morning?" Sheeit, they might think I was daft, eh?! I didn't know what to do!

So, finally I turned on th TV to see what kinda weird thing had happened to th world while I was asleep? Did I happen to wake up right in th middle of a total eclipse of th sun, or what?? And then shortly, I discovered that I was on th ten o'clock news and it was still Saturday night. I discovered that I hadn't even been out yet! I discovered that all th things I had remembered about Saturday night had actually happened Friday night! And that I hadn't gone home and gone to bed to wake up Sunday morning, cuz it was still fucking Saturday night and I was jus wakin up from my nap. Damn! Damn! Damn! Man, I Hate it when that happens!!

Besides bein pissed about goin loony, I was also pissed that becuz of my mistake, I was already a couple hours behind my usual drinkin schezhule. I leaped into action then and was dressed and outta th crib in 5 minutes. I headed up to Bobby Baker's where I've been goin since Mike's closed, but all th way there, I kept thinkin bout how I coulda misplaced a whole night? And after I got there and ordered my first beer, I kept thinkin about it. Finally, I decided I was goin to drive myself even nuttier, and so I had to jus put th whole thing outta my mind.

OK, so at closin time at Bobby Baker's, I stepped out to my ride, enhanced my mood another notch and then walked a half block south to Hannible's Waldo Bar, which stays open til 3. The joint was packed, noisy and raucous as hell and while I was standin there tryin to get a beer, I felt someone tap me on th shoulder so I turned around and a buddy I hadn't seen for a while was standin there with a gurl I'd never met before. He said.

"Hey yo Charley, how ya been?"

And I said, "Hey dude, I'm doin pretty good, how bout yerself?"

And so we tried to make small talk over th din and racket, but it was reely loud and hard to hear. Now, I don't know exactly what th problem was; whether his dentures were loose or what th deal was, but when he talked, he had a slight but noticeable lisp. S's seemed to give im a problem. I took notice of his gurl and he said,

"I want ya to meet a good friend of mine, thith ith Melittha."

And without missin a beat, without botherin to translate what he said, without even thinking,

I said,

"Hi Melittha!"

Ha ha And as soon as th words were outta my mouth, in a fraction of a second, I realized that her name wasn't "Melittha", cuz, like, who in th hell is named Melittha? I realized instantly what he was saying was,

".............this is Melissa!

Oh shit, Fuck! But becuz of his slight speech impediment, and all th noise goin on around us, all I heard was; her name came out as "Melittha", and I had replied automatically to what he said and without thinkin I had said, "Melittha!" myself. "Oh mercy" I thought, "you fookin Idjit!" I realized my faux pas instantly, but sheeit, then, y'know, I didn't know what th hell to say? Did they hear what I had said over all th clatter? Did they realize I had said, "Melittha" too? Did they think I was mocking him? Should I acknowledge my gaffe, and then possibly make it more embarrassin by tryin to explain th unexplainable? Or should I not say anything and jus act like it hadn't even happened? And while I stood there ponderin what to say and do next, tryin to figure a way outta my dilemma, another couple who they were with, grabbed em and told em they had gotten a table, so they went off to sit down, thus solvin my problem for me. Whew!

So, I finally managed to get a brew and stepped to th small patio and found a nice place to sit right outside there off the sidewalk. I had a very comfortable wicker chair, in th corner, outta th way of peoples comin and goin, and with a real nice panoramic view of th Waldo nightlife, with all th folks millin about and th cars stopped at th red light. Waldo is fast becomin a good alternative to th Westport and Brookside scene and a cool place to go. You got Lew's, Tanners, Waldo Pizza, Kennedy's, th 75 St, Brewery, th Waldo Bar, Bobby Bakers and th new joint called th Well, owned by th same guy who owns Lew's, all within a block of each other.

Man, it was nice, th weather bein perfect, and me bein stoned, fucked up, buzzin, takin it all in, but not bein involved, which is how I like it. At this stage of th Life Game, I'd much rather jus be an Observer rather than a Participant, ya know whut I mean?! Heck, jus sittin there, kickin back, chillin, I caught a good episode of "WHEN DRUNKS COLLIDE". A regular Saturday nite Reality show. As ya know, if ya've ever seen it before, it can be reely amusin sometimes. Like, we had a buncha gurls who were there in a long, stretched Hummer limo which was parked for 30 feet right there in front of th joint. And there was this other party of non-limo gurls, and who knows WHY? but these two groups clashed!

And th limo gurls called th other gurls a "buncha whores", and so those gurls called them, "Skanks and sluts" and "Shut th fuck up!!" and so on. So there were lotsa insults bein hurled back and forth right there in front of me. Th situation was lookin good Duke, with plenty of promise of some good gurl-action to come, but then th cursed limo driver got in th middle of th two factions and managed to cool em off. Sheeit, I was thinkin I was gonna get to see a good ol, scratchin, clawin, hair-pullin, blouse rippin Gurl Rumble. Damn, I haven't seen a good one in prolly ten years, but that fuckin limo driver ruined th whole godam thing. I started to tell im,

"Hey dude, Step off huh!! Whyn't ya jus get back behind th wheel and mind yer own business, eh?! Cuz we gotta a good show in th makin here!"

But, then, after a half-second's thought, I said nothin of course. But th dude did ruin a good show!

So, I jus continued to sit there until th 3 AM closin time, drinkin my beer, observin th rookies, enjoyin myself, chucklin from time to time as I rehashed th whole Melittha episode, and th night-into-day fiasco, all th while th thought, "You dumb shit!" kept poppin into my head, causin some more chortles. Oh, it was enjoyable, and all things considered, a throughly pleasant Saturday nite!

th cap'm


Subject: A LETTER I SENT TO THE AUTHOR OF THE PELOSI TIRADE
Date: Friday, August 21, 2009 3:35 PM

Aw'right, ya'll, I couldn't help myself. A buddy of mine forwarded me a copy of a letter he had sent to this turd, and so I was Inspired to do so myself! What th hell, I figured if I had to read that fuckin lawyer's bullshit, I'd send him some of my own. Here's my reply.

--------------------------------------------------------

From: capt.dreck@gmail.com
Subject: RE: YOUR NANCY PELOSI DIATRIBE
Date: August 21, 2009 3:22:36 PM CDT
To: dlgutherie@gdhs.com

Dear Sir, (and I use that term loosely)

Wow! Who yanked your chain? Your letter was forwarded to me and I read it with mixed feelings of disgust and amusement! What is with you people from the South anyway? Do they put something in the water there? You strike the rest of us as a bunch of stupid hill-billies. Although I don't know you personally, I'll bet I do know you! Who are you? Just based on your letter, I'll tell you who you are.

You are a Bible-thumping Baptist who believes that Darwin was a kook, and you want Creationism taught in school. You regard the banning of prayer in school as the beginning of the decline of this "formerly great country". (your quote)

You are a Birther, a Tea Bagger, and you believe the President is a foreigner and you "want your country back!" No one shouts louder than you at town hall meetings.

Along with Reagan and Nixon, you believe that President Bush was one of our greatest Presidents ever. You believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11 and because of our "justified" invasion, you believe that the world is a safer place because of it.

You most fervent wish is that you could meet Sara Palin, and you want to apologize to her for the shameful way the mainstream liberal media treated her. It was a disgraceful way to treat a Patriot.

You think "Joe the Plumber" represents the average American guy and you would love to sit and swill a beer with him and pick his brain for his political insights.

When you're not fucking over your clients in court, you listen to Rush Limbaugh. Besides Rush, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingram, and Ann Coulter are your heroes.

In your opinion, there is No news, but Fox News! All the rest is nothing but Liberal Elitist Propaganda!

You are a card carrying member of the NRA, and you enjoy hunting and killing small animals with your high powered rifle, not for the food, but simply for the thrill of the kill. Killing rabbits and squirrels makes you feel Powerful. What a rush, eh! You believe that every American is given the right by the Constitution to own a grenade launcher!

Although you have been unfaithful to your wife on many occasions, you feel very strongly about the Sanctity of Marriage. Fuck a bunch of gay marriage!

You believe that the Confederate flag should be flown right next to that other American flag, as a tribute to those who died fighting for a Cause. Fuck a bunch of liberal Yankees!
And to top it off, you're a Piece-of-Shit-Fucking-Lawyer!

How'd I do?

If I might quote you once again,

"I feel certain your aides will not share this letter with you, but I intend o share it with many."

Sincerely, LOL

charley hutto


Subject: PROBLEMS WITH THE THE PRINTED WORD
Date: Monday, August 17, 2009 3:26 PM

I am always surprised at th reaction I get sometimes from some bit of drivel I wrote. But, I spose I shouldn't be, cuz thas always been th problem with th written word, eh. It can be easily misunderstood cuz it doesn't express tone of voice to give ya a clue. Likewise, there's
no body language involved to let ya know, that what ya jus read was written tongue-in-cheek, y'know, sarcastically. All it is, is th printed word there on th page, without any kind of enhancements, or clarifiers of any kind, and if ya read it "literally", well, it's possible that you are interpreting it exactly th opposite of what was intended.

So, th problema then is; tryin to figure out sometimes whether something is meant as tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, or on th other hand, whether it's meant to be taken literally as written? But, I think most peoples who read my babble know basically where I come from. So, when I say,

"I think George Bush may be th Best President we ever had and that Ronald Reagan was maybe th most Brilliant of them all, and it's jus a cryin shame that Sara Palin was rejected by th dumb fuck American voters and that Barack Obama is a foreigner who wants to establish a Fascist State and furthermore wants to kill yer Grandma while doin it!"

I hope ya know......... I'm dead serious! He he.

th cap'm


Subject: MORE BULLSHIT FROM THE RIGHT
Date: Monday, August 17, 2009 12:35 PM

A buddy sent this to me. I eliminated all th other various peoples it was sent to before him. This character below is th original sender I guess. Check it out.

Obituary printed in the London Times, Tue, 17 Mar 2009

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who

Has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
____________________________________________

I got a chuckle outta it. Not that there was anything humorous about it, but that they would have us believe it was printed in the London Times? They expect us to believe that the London Times would publish a litany of American Right-Wing Neo-Conservative complaints, and then did so by putting it in their Obituary section? LOL Yeah right! C'mon, pleeeze!!

By the way, did'ja see any thing inconsistent in those dates there? Or...has Mr. "deeppockets" figured out a way to manipulate the Time-Space Continuum?

Otherwise it's kinda bizarre isn't it how he he was able to send this "obit" out two days before it was published? Why do th fuckers have to try and camouflage everything and try and make ya believe it came from some one other than who they actually are? Obviously it's a pitiful effort to give it some kinda credence and legitimacy! But sheeit, why don't they jus say, "Here's what I think!" instead of all this obfuscating bullshit?

signed,

The Co-Defender of Democracy and the American Way! (see also Sara Palin)

th cap'm

P.S. Oh and by the way, fer my laffs and enjoyment, Vegas Judy sent me a link to www.DefendGlenn.com, which is a web site for those who want to support Glenn Beck, the poor thing, from all his Communist and Black Nationalists detractors, th godless mutherfuckers! Might you be interested?


Subject: Fwd: [SPAM] Who am I ? This one will freak you all out!
Date: Saturday, August 15, 2009 6:42 PM

Bear with me here!

WHO AM I?

* I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.
* I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.
* Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
* My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
* I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
* I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
* That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career..
* I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
* I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.
* I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
* I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.
* This bolstered my ego.
* At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy...... I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
* But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.
* I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
* I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.
* was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.
* I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world.
* So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
* I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.
* I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?

ANSWER:

ADOLF HITLER WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?

Scary isn't it?

SCARY, ISN'T IT?! Ha ha Sheeit. A buddy of mine sent this to me. This is so laughably absurd that it's ridiculous. You could easily take it apart one stupid line after th other, but unless yer a fuckin Moron, ya don't need me fer that. The only thing that is really scary is that any one would compare Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler! Now, that's scary! What is with these peoples anyway?

Th only President I ever remember being compared to a Nazi was Richard Nixon....but there was some justification there tho.

I remember back in th ‘60s, there was a quote going around that was on many posters in "head shops" to the effect that we were--- under siege by Leftist, that th foundations of th Nation were being undermined at every level, that Law and Order must be restored, etc, etc.

Of course it sounded exactly like what Nixon and his stooges were spewing all th time, but it was actually a quote from Adolf Hitler. But it illustrated th similarity of th propaganda of th Nixon regime to that of th Nazis. And there were other comparisons made of Nixon to Hitler.

But, in that case back in th ‘60s, I would say there was a helluva lot more reason to fear th government than there is today. LAW AND ORDER were th Rule of th day, and if ya didn't like it, a good ass kickin could be forthcoming. There was actual evidence there to look at. There were many instances, like Kent State and th Democratic Convention in Chicago fr'instance, where war protestors were violently attacked, beaten, and even killed.

And we discovered years later that much of our paranoia of Government was actually justified, when it was revealed that th Government really was spying on Americans for nothing more than disagreeing with it's policies. (COINTELPRO) Your name and photo could easily wind up in an "FBI enemies list" for nothing more than attending a peaceful anti-war rally out in th park on a Sunday afternoon. So, th government really was actively pursuing, and with a vengeance, individuals and groups who disagreed with their policies.
Now, compare that to today! Th type of thing that you see going on in these Town Hall meetings today would never have been tolerated under th Nixon Administration. There would have been more cracked heads than you could count. And even that would have all happened out on th streets, cuz none of em would have ever gotten near th inside of a meeting. And an armed protestor like we saw a couple days ago? Sheeit, are you kiddin me? A fucking Idiot standin around with a loaded pistol strapped to his leg! Sheeit. Nixon's goons woulda taken that fucker out in a New Yawk second!

As a matter of fact, these whacko nutballs at these meetings today, talkin about th Constitution and so forth, are the very same exact peoples who were rooting th cops on when they were cracking hippie heads. It's ironic that these fucknuts are th same peoples who voted and kept Nixon in office for eight years while his Administration ran roughshod, trampling all over th rights of peoples to disagree with their government without havin to go to th hospital fer havin done so. And today, they talk about Nazis! I seriously believe that th American peoples have to be some of th dumbest fuckin peoples on th planet.

And fer all th hand wringin, and gnashin of teeth about th Evils of Socialism, how many of those folks would give up their Evil Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid programs in th fight against th Evils of Socialism? Nada fuckin ONE would be my bet!!

th cap'm


Subject: AT LAST, TH DREAM COMES TRUE!
Date: Saturday, August 15, 2009 4:56 PM

Coyoteandroadrunner.wmv (need to download Windows Media Player if you don't have it on your computer)

My buddy, th Stagford, sent this to me. OK, I hope you can get this cuz it's pretty humorous. If you can get it tho, I want to point out that, in his older years, Wiley's mind must be slippin a bit becuz he sez he's "been chasin that damn bird fer twenty years now".

Th way I recollect is; he's been chasin that damn bird fer close to sixty years now! Sheeit, I was watchin his bumbling efforts back in th early ‘50s! Mebbe his problem is more math related than memory.

th cap'm


Subject: I HAD A DREAM
Date: Friday, August 14, 2009 7:09 PM

Boy, I had th best dream last night. I felt kinda good and hopeful when I woke up...altho there was reely no good reason to, cuz, after all, I don't believe that our dreams, in and of themselves, affect our lives. But, sometimes we can't help but attribute more relevance to em than they warrant. Like, fr'instance, have ya ever had a dream where a good friend did somethin bad to you? And then, even tho it was only a dream, th next time ya saw em, ya couldn't help but mutter to yerself,

"You SOB you! How could you?!!"

knowin full well how irrational it was of ya. Well this dream was kinda like that, but in this case, I felt more positive about th person.

I dreamed last nite I was here in th crib, gettin stoned, lolling about on th sofa, countin th cracks in th ceiling, y'know, jus another typical day in th Life, when suddenly I was jolted out of my reverie by loud, persistent poundings on my door. I became immediately alert, recognizin that this wasn't my neighbor wantin to give me some cookies or somethin. This was somethin definitely more ominous than that! And when I hesitantly answered th door, my misgivings were confirmed when I saw this group of dudes standin there, at rigid attention. They were all dressed in black SS uniforms, complete with th jack boots and th high peaked hat. And milling behind them were all of th villagers, with their pitchforks and torches, th loud, unruly, uncouth mob, fresh from a Town Hall Meeting, frothing at th mouth, all agitated and wanting some blood. Th main guy, in his immaculate uniform, with an ugly cruel scar runnin across his cheek, obviously th boss, sneered at me and said,

"SO...Herr Captain Dreck, I presume!"

And a chill went up my spine as I meekly answered,

"Yes, what can I do for you gentlemen?

Still standin rigidly at attention, he unfolded a scroll, holdin it before him, and began to read in a chillingly cold, unemotional tone,

"By orders from Der Fuerher himself, the Honorable Herr Adolf Barack Hussein Obama, you have been found Guilty of being an old, useless Member of Society, with no redeeming Qualities! Wheres it has been determined that you contribute Nothzing of any Use, and only take up valuable Space and Oxygen that the younger Members of the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD better deserve, and in keeping with the Promise of Great Change, it has been decided that you be forthwith rendered Immaterial, Moot, and therefore Dead!! It is the Judgement of The Great Leader, signed Adolph B. Hussein Obama! The gravy train is over for you and your ilk Buster; worthless farts good for notzhing but being irascible old coots. Good Riddance!"

I thought to myself,

"Sheeit. Gosh darn it, they warned me, but I scoffed and jeered and didn't pay any attention! I shoulda listened when I had th chance. Oh bother! Now I'm in for it!"
And then two of his minions grabbed me roughly and and manhandled me outside. Th unruly mob, now worked up into a frenzy of madness and rage, tore at me, striking and hissin and booin, shoutin louder and louder and I knew that there would be no rational discourse here tonight. They wanted to rend some flesh! Now in a panic I cried out,
"Wait! Wait, Let's don't rush into this thing, aw'right? Slow down! I'll reform. Send me to a Re-Education Camp, OK! I'll get better, I promise. I'll get down and worship at the knees of Herr Limbaugh and Herr Hannity. I'll shine Herr Beck's shoes, and even tho I'm not worthy, I'll wash Mz Coulter's skanky panties even!"

And that last remark drove th mob even crazier! But those in charge coldly paid no heed to my pleas! And th head dude barked out in a cold, guttural voice, devoid of any feeling,

"String im up Comrades!"

And they grabbed me roughly and stood me up on a chair and tossed a rope around my favorite tree and tightened it securely around my neck. One of th thugs stood there, waitin fer orders to kick th chair out from underneath me, and th Commandant raised his arm in th air, ready to drop it and seal my fate, when suddenly, a shot rang out, severin th rope around my neck, and from outta th night SARA PALIN appeared, in a very tasteful white on white outfit from Nieman-Marcus, I'm sure, gallopin up on a blazing white steed, and in th momentary confusion, as she bolted by, she leaned over extendin her arm and said, "Grab ahold pardner!" and swung me up behind her, and she let out a righteous cowboy whoopin holler and swatted her horse on the ass with her white-felt Stetson and we hightailed it off into th Alaaaskan wilderness. (not quite sure how we were in Alaska now, but sheeit, it was a dream, y'dig!?)

As we made our way thru th wilderness, I said,

"Gee, thanks Sara. you're swell!"

And she replied,

"No need to thank me old timer, I'm just doing my job. Saving America! One old bastard at a time."

Soon, we came to a, like, log cabin, and there was a large verandah on th front overlookin th ocean, and to th rear was a huge field of marijuana stretchin off into th distance. She eased me down off th saddle and said,

"This is where you get off cuz I have work to do!" and she giggled and said, "Scuuuse my language I didn't mean to use th W word around ya, but I gotta be moseyin now cuz there's a whole slew of other geezers and geezer-ettes out there needin my help. This is my place here. Make yerself at home. Ya think you'll be alright here?"

And I looked at th rockin chair there on th porch and there was a sixer of PBR sittin in th ice chest right next to it and in th rear all I could see was that giant field of primo herb and I replied,

"You betcha Sara!"

And she rewarded this with a wink and reached into her pocket and pulled out a card and she pressed to to her mouth leavin her bright-red lip imprints on it and handed it to me. It said, SARA PALIN, DEFENDER OF THE AMERICAN WAY!

AND OLD FUCKS TOO!And I said, "Will I ever see you again, Sara? Huh? Will I?"
and she said, "Don't worry, I'll always be there when you need me. When the sun rises in the morning, I'll be there,

When the dewdrops fall from the lilly, I'll be there, when the wind rustles thru th trees, I'll be there, when......... "

But I interrupted her there and said,

"Yeah, yeah, thas cool Sara, and thanks fer th metaphors, but, um, I think I'm gettin yer drift!"

and she said, "Scuuuse me, got a bit carried way there fer moment, eh, but I have a favor to ask of ya before I go?"And I said, "Of course. Of course. To be sure. Anything!".

And she pointed off over th water and said,

"That's Russia right over there! See it!? What I want you to do is; I want ya to keep an eye on it and if Putin rears his ugly head, I want ya to ring that big cowbell hangin there on th porch! Will'ya do that fer me? Cuz when they come into out air space, it's right here in Alaaaska where they come. OK?!"

"Yer darn tootin I will. Heck, I know a Commie when I see one!" I sez.

Thanks pardner, I knew i could count on ya!"

And she turned and slowly started walking her horse and after a short distance, I yelled out at her,

"DON'T LET THOSE LIBERAL BASTARDS GET YA DOWN SARA!!"!

and she she turned round and her horse reared back on its hind legs and she waved her hat in acknowledgement and farewell, and with a flourish she wheeled her horse about and galloped off towards the sunset and all I could see was her silhouette against th setting sun and and I heard off in th distance, th soft strains of the Jordanaires singin, HAPPY TRAILS TO YOUUUU...UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN...HAPPY TRAILS.......

and then I woke up!

Well, I laid there for several minutes thinkin bout my dream, wonderin if mebbe I hadn't misjudged Sara. And before I drifted back off to slumberland, I remember thinkin,

"NAH! I DON'T FUCKIN THINK SO!"

Cuz, sheeit, it was jus a dream ya'll! Naught else!

th cap'm

P.S. But today, like I said, I felt a bit different. At least in my dreams anyway.


Subject: NO CALCULATOR NECESSARY
Date: Wednesday, August 12, 2009 2:29 AM

Tonight on Rachel Maddow's program, she showed a chart about N. Carolina's Republican voters, who when asked if Obama was born in the U.S. responded,

yes--------27%
no---------47%
not sure--27%

Rachel then said that fully 76% of Republican N. Carolinians believed that Obama was not born in the U.S. Now when I learned to cypher such problems in the 2nd grade, I was taught that that was 74%. But, whadda I know?

Then she went on to say that they were then asked a follow-up question of whether Hawaii was a part of the U.S.? A pretty silly question, eh? And that chart showed,

yes--------92%
no--------- 5%
not sure-- 3%

And then Rachel, giggling with glee and astonishment, said,

"Yep, fully 12% of N. Carolina self identified conservative voters said NO! Or, they just don't know whether it is or not!"

Now, I like Rachel myself, but godammit, that was ridiculous! Can no one on that show add? Or, don't they at least have a calculator? Didn't any one on that show catch that? Y'know, like, th producer....a camera man... th janitor...any one? And yeah, yeah, I know!

This is th 21st century, and I know things have changed, and when things change; they're different! But sheeit, have they changed that much? Cuz I'm still tryin to figure where that extra 4% came from? How fucking stupid!

th cap'm


Subject: HEALTH CARE REFORM
Date: Tuesday, August 11, 2009 3:18 PM

Jus a few simple facts about th Health Care Industry.

1. Health care in this country costs TWICE as much as any of th top 30 Industrialized countries in th world.
2. Th United States ranks 24th of 30 in longevity of it's citizens.
3. Th Unites States ranks 29th in infant mortality.
4. Profits rose 428% for th Health Care Industry between 2000 and 2007.
5. Th number of insured peoples dropped 19% from 2000 to 2007.

One would think that THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD could put up better stats than that huh?! Of course there are a plethora of other pertinent facts available to justify health care reform, but I'm not gonna go thru all of em, cuz ya prolly got a life to live, eh, but it's apparent that there's room for improvement. And thas kinda an understatement!!

But sheeit, it doesn't reely matter much to me personally cuz I'm fucked anyway! In my advanced years, havin Never been a productive member of Society anyway, and becuz of my little faux pas years ago, I am prohibited from owning a grenade launcher, or sheeit, even a puny .22 pistola, therefore I'm completely defenseless when th Obama Death Squads come to take me away and turn me into Soylent Green. SIGH! I keep tryin to think of some kinda excuse/reason to justify my continued existence, but I keep drawin a blank! Oh, woe is me!

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, th thing that surprises me th most about these fucking loons yellin and screamin at th town hall meetings, wonderin about Obama's birth certificate, and his plans to kill all old peoples is; none of em have picked up on th biggest revelation about him yet. I'm wonderin how long it's gonna take? WAKE UP AMERICA!

OBAMA IS THE ANTI-CHRIST!


Subject: I'M SUSPICIOUS
Date: Friday, August 7, 2009 1:25 PM

Do ya suppose there's any truth to th allegations that Michelle Malkin is not an American?

Myself, I think she's a fookin Asian! I mean, she doesn't look like an American to me!Americans don't have big buck teeth like that! Whadda ya think?

Well I dunno, cuz I don't know for sure one way or th other y'know.....but.... has she ever produced a birth certificate? Sheeit. How hard would that be?
th cap'm

"Hey, let's don't rush into this thing, eh!"

th cap'm


Subject: TH MUTHERFUCKERS AT TIME-WARNER, PART 20
Date: Thursday, August 6, 2009 8:15 PM

Two weeks ago, I called Time-Warner about a ridiculous bill I had received. It was so fucked up I spent an hour and a half getting it straightened out. So, after getting the bill corrected, I paid them th final result thru their automated pay system using my debit card.
A week later, I got a notice that they were going to disconnect my service for non-payment! FUCK!

I called them back and spoke to three different peoples explainin I had already paid that bill usin my debit card. They said they had no record of that and told me in order to keep my service from being turned off, I needed to send them a copy of my bank statement. I was in a fuckin rage. I went to th bank, got a copy of my statement, and faxed it to Beverly, as requested. Everything was cool then, right? WRONG!

Last nite my cable wouldn't work. I couldn't get any channels at all. Not even local ones.

No service at all.

I'd been disconnected!

I called today and was sooo pissed off I could barely speak. Heck, I was even usin foul and vulgar language. I ranted and raved to four peoples as they passed me off me from one person to another and was finally connected to a supervisor. By th time I got to him I was literally screamin, that Not only had I paid th fuckin bill, but that I had also faxed them a copy of my bank statement showin that money had been deducted from my account. This guy told me again in that patient, condescending tone, that they had no record of either of these transactions, neither th payment or th fax confirmin it, and insinuated that mebbe I was tryin to scam em! He suggested that since they never got my payment, that I should go to my bank and ask em where they had sent it? I came unglued!

"Ya want me to go to my bank and ask em where they sent my payment that said Time-Warner on it? And then ask em where they sent my fax that was also sent to Time-Warner? Are you fuckin kiddin me?!"

After ravin for an hour and a half, he resumed my service, givin me a two-week reprieve, but sayin he would have to investigate th matter further.

So, earlier this evening, I went to get on th internet, but now..........guess what? Now.....my Internet Service with TW had been turned off....... for....yep...non-payment!! I spent another hour and 15 minutes, rantin and ravin, gripin and bitchin, gettin that turned back on!! Near th end, th dude asked me if he could have my e-mail address. I said, alert and suspicious now,

"What do ya need that for?""

he said, get this!

"Well, we would like to use it to send your some promotional materials from time to time, y'know, when we have specials and............"

Sheeit! Fuck! I couldn't believe it! Th fuckin audacity! And before he got th words outta his mouth, I cut im off and screeched at im,

"ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME. DO NOT DARE EVER SEND ME ANYTHING, YA UNDERSTAND?! NEVER! YA HEAR ME!! I DON'T WANT A FUCKIN THING FROM YOU ASSHOLES! DO NOT FUCKIN SEND ME A GODAM THING! EVER!"

Can ya believe this fucker? After all th shit I've been thru with them over th last few months, fuckin up my phone service, fuckin up my Webtv, sendin me bogus bills, losin my payments and faxes, turnin my services off, etc .........and he wants to send me some fuckin spam promotin their shyster, scumbag operation!!

All I can say about Time-Warner is....FUCK THOSE MUTHERFUCKERS!

th cap'm

P.S. I'm tellin ya Duke, this day has drained me! I'm in some serious need of some substances! And plenty of booze too! And I'll take some of that......and a little bit of this.... and some.....I don't give a shit, jus gimme me some Oblivion!


Subject: TH BIRTHERS
Date: Wednesday, August 5, 2009 3:48 PM

Th Birthers; are they insane? Or jus Insanely Stupid?

Actually, it's not stupidity in the sense of inferior mental capacity, it's stupidity in the sense that the man is not white, therefore, he has no business being President. That makes sense doesn't it? Some naive peoples thought since we elected a black man President, that th election was a signal that race relations in this country must be getting better. Ha ha What a joke! It is obvious that his election only meant that the number of racists are only lightly smaller than the non-racists! This whole thing about his birth is just a ridiculous cover for,
"We don't like N------, even if they are the President. No wait, ESPECIALLY.... if they

Are the President!"

In their white Anglo-Saxon view, that's a position that only a white man should have. It's no kinda position for a person of color to hold, and their not prejudiced about what color it is either; black, brown, red, green, purple...... they're all equally unacceptable! So do what ever it takes, anything, everything.... no matter how absurd it is, no matter how nonsensical it is, no matter how utterly STUPID it is, to deny him legitimacy! In spite of all evidence to th contrary and there's plenty of it too, but no matter, disregard facts; claim that he is not a Citizen anyway! Ergo.... he shouldn't be President!

But sheeit, y'know, no big surprise there tho, cuz FACTS never get in th way of a Moron's argument! And these peoples think that this absurd assertion of non-citizenship hides their obvious racism!? That their only intent is to make sure that th President is really an American, and not a foreigner? Yeah, yeah, I know.... it's jus too fuckin ridiculous for any one with half a brain to even seriously consider, but like I said, Logic and Reason have never entered into Racism! By th way, I don't recall any one askin George Bush for his birth certificate? And that fucker was from Texas, y'know, th secessionists State. And hey....how's bout Dick Cheney? Now there's one for ya! Sheeit. Forget his American his citizenship.....has any one ever proved he's even from this fucking planet?

Well fuck, it's pretty obvious that this whole charade is jus another step in th process to muddy up th waters, to distract, to obfuscate, to keep him from succeeding no matter what th consequences, thus proving his incompetence to do the job in the first place! Whatever kind of legislation he tries to pass; oppose it! Pay no attention whatsoever to it's merits, oppose it!! Don't give an inch! Do whatever is necessary to keep him from any success at all. To concede anything to him would be to acknowledge that a black man is as capable as a white man and that would be HERESY!

And, oh wait, speaking of Race in America, then we get to Sonia Sotomajor. A Meskin no less! On the Supreme Court?! Oh th Horror!

Tacos, burritos, enchiladas, Si!
Supreme Court Justice, No way Jose!

America! THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Jus forget we're th only industrialized country in th world who doesn't provide health care for all their citizens! Even Costa Rica, a third world country manages that. Don't pay any attention that th health care we do have costs twice as much as any other country. Weird isn't it how you can buy th very same pill in Canada, that was manufactured right here in this country and only pay half of what that pill costs ya here? That doesn't make any sense does it?

Ignore th fact that we rank 29th!! in infant mortality rates. Oh, I could go on with other stats that might make ya wonder bout that statement, but what th fuck....who cares?! Who sez our health care system needs to be reformed? We know our Pharmaceutical and Insurance companies have our best interests at heart, right? So, who needs a bunch of Change? That foreigner Obama....Ha ha whas up with that guy? why don't he go back to Kenya... or Australia...or where ever th fuck he's supposed to be from this week?

th cap'm


Subject: YouTube - Lunch On A Skyscraper
Date: Tuesday, August 4, 2009 11:29 AM

My buddy, Vegas Judy sent this to me. Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAev16Tg2c4

How about this photographer! Whoooie! Thas one assignment I woulda taken an El Paso on myself. By th way, did'ja know that they put up th Empire State Building in just about 14 months? Can ya imagine putting up a building of that magnitude today in that short time span? Couldn't be done! Pretty amazing, eh?!

And speakin of buildings: why is it that 8 years later, they still don't have th Twin Towers replaced? If they could build th Empire State Building in 14 months back in th 1930s; what's th holdup today? On th other hand, have they even settled on a design yet? Must be some Republicans in charge there goin,

"Hey, let's don't rush into this thing, eh!"

th cap'm


Subject: ANOTHER EARLY MORING MISHAP
Date: Sunday, August 2, 2009 5:10 PM

OK, ya've heard similar stories from me like this before, cuz this isn't th first time this had happened to me. This is a revisit, cuz I have been here before Duke! Last nite, before I came back to th crib I stopped at yer Burger King fer an early morning snack and hey, I don't give a shit if it is, "fast food", that fucking flame broiled burger there at th BK is OK by me. So after I got home, after a brief stint there in th Radar Range, as I sat down to ENJOY, as they say, I decided to do a little somethin extra to my burger. Y'know, add that extra nuance of flavor. So, I dragged out a bottle of yer Gates BBQ sauce (extra hot) outta th ice box, and also a bottle of Night Of The Living BBQ sauce from Oklahoma Joe's.

When I went to add th Gate's sauce, as ya know ya gotta shake that stuff before usin, so I checked th cap first, to make sure it was on tight and I didn't send BBQ sauce flyin all over th kitchen cuz I've done that many times before as ya already know. Th last time I did that, I made a solemn vow to never repeat that foolish thing again. And so as I was sittin there at th table, I was lookin at th remnants of th last time I did that, still there on th wall, and it was a reminder to make sure I didn't do it again. Be careful, y'know. Use Caution! Check th caps before shakin.

And I did! And everything was cool. And th Word was Cool. It's been well over a year since I had any shenanigans like that happen to me. My plan was to spread a nice blend of th somewhat sweet, but very hot Night Of The Living Dead mixed with th rather more tartness of th Gate's, So, I dribbled some Gates all about my burger, and then I picked up th bottle of Night Of The Living Dead sauce, and checked it very carefully to make sure th capping system was engaged there too before I shook th bottle vigorishly, like yer supposed to, y'know, And after mebbe th second or third shake, and th thing was; I was givin it th Hard Shake too y'know, both hands graspin th bottle tightly when suddenly, th cursed cap flew off, OH FUCK! and before my brain, which wasn't workin at max efficiency anyway could send a Flash Emergency Message to my muscles to STOP!
GODAMMIT! STOP!

I now had big glops of BBQ sauce all over my new slacks, completely coverin th front of em and also all over th front of my shirt, also new. Well, I should clarify, not "new" exactly, but new to my wardrobe. I mean. I jus bought both of those things a while back. I told ya bout my shoppin coup at th Thrift Store recently, didn't I?

Now, both of em completely fucked up! SIX FOOKIN DOLLARS worth of textile goods, wasted! And while I sat there momentarily stunned, I then noticed I now had new BBQ sauce completely coverin up th old BBQ sauce on th wall, and in a moment of lucidity, I hadda giggle cuz I realized..... hey, isn't that th way of things? Nothin ever stays th same! Out with th old, in with th New, eh!? Things come and things go. Sheeit Duke, this is jus what they call....... Life!

And again in another moment of reflection I recalled Santayana's old trite expression,

"Those who fail to heed history are doomed to repeat it!"
and I thought,

"Yeah no shit ese, and I'm th classic example of that!"

Damn, this kinda thing has been happenin to me fer a long time. Sheeit, I can't count th number of times I've done this! And not jus with BBQ sauce, but all manner of other things too. Like, milk, fr'instance. Since I'm th only one usin it, I see no reason to get a glass dirty, and then have to clean it, so I jus drink directly from th jug, drapin it over my arm like ya would a jug of 'shine, y'know. But th problem I have with milk is; fer some reason, early in th mornings when enjoyin a little repast before rackin out, like some milk, bananas, and Oreo cookies fr'instance, I seem to be more herky-jerky than usual, and it's not so much that I'm unusually clumsy, rather it's jus that I'm drunk, y'dig! So when I sit my milk on th corner of th table, it sometimes ends up gettin knocked to th floor, and starts gushin out makin a mess before I can get to it. Curses! And th thing is, th next day, that dried milk gets all sticky and so I have to walk around it fer weeks before th stickiness of it goes away. I remember at one time, with several areas like that on th floor, in order to get to my sink I had to pull off some moves that some of you former hop-scotch gurls would reely appreciate. Every time I had to do that, in my mind I could see th panel of Judges holdin up their cards, 9.8, 9.7, 9.8, 9.9, another 9.9, y'know, like that. Man! There was this one time.... I pulled off a move that............ well, never mind cuz my description wouldn't do it justice! Ya jus woulda had to seen it to believe it!

But these days; what I've tried to do to reduce these kinda incidents is to jus buy things that come in squeezable containers. I don't know why th Milk Industry and th BBQ Sauce folks don't put their products in containers like that too? I mean, specially th BBQ sauce. What a great and natural application. When yer drunk on yer ass at th picnic, instead of trying to shake jus enuff sauce outta th bottle to slather on yer burger, and then have it all come gushin out in a flood, why not jus put it in a squeezable container like th mustard and ketchup peoples do? Huh? Why Not?

Course, jus cuz it makes sense, I don't expect to see those guys take my advice tho and make their products more safe and efficient. They'd rather we all fucked up our clothes, and walls, and floors with their products. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't all in cahoots, y'know, all of em in a symbiotic relationship, feedin off us, th BBQ sauce peoples, th clothing peoples and th cleaning product peoples, and th fake Birth Certificate peoples, all of em scammin us and laffin at us suckers..... takin advantage of our naivete, or as they would say I'm sure... our Stupidity.

TH MUTHERFUCKERS!

th cap'm