joe dreck
July, 2009

Joe Dreck, the Captain, wonders ... was the chicken
the inspiration for the mohawk?
Email
capt.dreck@gmail.com


Subject: Re: therapy
Date:Thursday, July 30, 2009 1:50 PM

Yeah since I'm unemployed and my bar is now closed I need some therapy. (The folllowing sent to me by a friend.)

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your check stubs, write “For Marijuana.”

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called .... THERAPY.


Subject: HARD TIMES
Date: Thursday, July 30, 2009 2:05 PM

Well darn it, for the first time in 20 years I am unemployed. Becuz of ill health, Ms Daisy, who I have been drivin around for th past ten years, is no longer able to get out and about. And because she now needs some one to stay with her full time, she no longer needs me to fix her evening meals either....so what this means is... I'm shit- outta-luck! And outta a job too!

And then to compound problems, my bar of th last 44 years, Mike's Tavern, has now closed, leavin me homeless! I'm lost and foundering. Course I guess it doesn't matter much since I don't have th money to drink on anyway. Well OK, I'm exaggeratin some what here, since I have a bit of monies in my savings, but th Big Question is; how does one find a bar suitable enuff to replace th joint you spent all most all of yer adult life in? What will I do with myself now?

It's not fair! SOB SOB Why Me? BOO HOO!

th cap'm

P.S. Got me wonderin now what th third part of this Trifecta of Doom is gonna be? Y'know, when's th next hammer gonna drop?


Subject: WEDNESDAY NIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
Date: Thursday, July 30, 2009 1:47 PM

Last nite, I was sittin at th end of th bar there in Bobby Baker's, 74th and Wornall, and there were four well dressed middle-aged guys sittin bout 8-10 feet away from me. I sat there listening to their talk altho I wasn't purposely evesdroppin on them, cus that wasn't necessary since they were all talkin loudly usin a lotta financial jargon bout th deals they had made, or were goin to make, y'know, whatever! They were obviously some kinda traders, dealmakers, brokers, who knows, but there was plenty of big-time bullshit emanating from em! Sittin between them and me, were two young guys from Rockhurst College who were both Business Majors and they were jus bug-eyed with excitement to be in their vicinity.

So, one of th big-shots, commenced to regale em with some of th big deals he's pulled off, and I heard a lotta "Wows" and "Gee Whizzes" and other exclamations of awe and excitement from th college kids.

Now, I don't know a helluva lot about Finances and so on, but if ya weren't a young, gullible, 22 y/o college kid, who has never even been to th corner, much less around th block a few times, it woulda sounded like a whole lotta bullshit to ya. It sure did to me and then he solidly confirmed his Bullshitter Status with me when he started tellin em all about Mike's Tavern in th late ‘80s when he was goin in there and how he practically put himself thru Rockhurst on his pool winnings, and that comment almost got me to interject myself in th conversation, cuz he sure as hell never played any major pool in Mike's fer money, cuz I was there and I knew better, but I jus held my tongue. Y'know, why even bother!? Sheeit,

I wish I had a quarter fer every dude I've ever met who was nothin more than yer average player who tried to tell me they put themselves thru college on their pool shootin abilities. Whatta joke!

But anyway, this bullshitter told em bout a $35,000 dollar bet he had made but th other guy had jus backed out of a couple days ago. Yeah, he told em he bet a guy his 35K against th other guy's 100K that he could kayak down to New Orleans in less than 30 days, but he said th other guy backed out. Th kids were goin,

"Ohmigod, you bet 35,000 dollars? Wow! Gee whiz"

Yeah right! I was sittin there thinkin,

"Sure ya did buddy, ya bet a guy $35,000 against his 100 thou but he backed out!"

How do ya back out of a bet? I mean, if ya make a bet, ya've committed yerself, right?! I mean, if ya've made a bad bet, and then ya find out yer wrong, does that mean you can now back out of it? I wouldn't try that out in Vegas, or with yer local bookie either! Ya know what that bet was! That was jus one of those typical, dumb-ass, meaningless bar room bets guys make that don't mean shit, y'know, of sums of money neither one of em would ever pay off!! Can ya picture that whole scenario? This bird sez,

"I could kayak to New Orleans in 30 days!"

And th other guy sez,

"Oh bullshit, no ya can't!"

And th guy sez,

"OK, I'll bet ya 35K against yer 100K I can!"

And th guy sez,

"You're on!"

Ha ha Yeah, I'd bet thas what that bet amounted to. But then, a couple minutes later he told em bout another bet he made, this one was a $10,000 bet he made that he could hitchhike to Vegas in 48 hours, but th other guy backed out of that one too. Then a few minutes after that he told em bout another bet he made fer $1,000 bucks, but I didn't hear what that one was about, but as ya can gather, see, this guy goes around makin big-time bets all a time and doesn't think anything of it, cuz he's a big-time player, y'dig! And apparently his balls are too big and his pockets too deep fer th average yahoo. And these two college kids were jus eatin it all up tho. They thought they were in th presence of a Master of the Universe type fer sure. "Moneybags" offered to buy th kids a beer,

"Well as long as long as you guys aren't drinkin any kinda import beers." and he let out a big laugh as he said it, makin a joke outta it, and th kids said,

"No, no, that's OK, we're drinkin PBR's".

Sheeit. I laffed to myself wonderin why these kids didn't pick up on this clown of th multi-thousand dollar bets, with his stories of his big stock deals, whose now quibblin over th costs of a domestic beer as opposed to an import? Ha ha

OK, so I sat there listenin to this asshole carry on fer about an hour thrillin these two kids with one bullshit story after another. At one point, he said somethin or other, I don't remember jus what it was, but it was jus too much and I couldn't help it and let out a little derisive snicker, and this other guy who had been sittin on th corner of th bar right next to me, who I didn't know and who I hadn't spoken to at all, actually let out a guffaw of incredulity, and I looked at him and realized that he had also been pickin up on all this crap himself too. We looked at each other and he shook his head and we both chuckled again.

Finally, with a lotta commotion and fanfare, these four assholes said they had to go, and like all big shots, they all started tryin to figure out who owed what, and who drank these drinks....and who had those... and how many and so on, and th one guy, he of th big bets said in a loud voice,

"Hey whatever! But I already gave th bartender a 20% tip, so that's taken care of!"

Did'ja get that? He left a 20% tip!!! Ha ha Thas about 3 to 5 % more than you would leave em if they didn't fall asleep on ya! And rather than jus say he had taken care of th tip, he wanted peoples to know that he had left 20 %!!! And th dude said it loud enuff so that any body in th bar coulda heard im. This is a guy mind ya, that would have ya believe that he regularly makes bets in th thousands of dollars and he thinks that th 20% tip he left marks him as a Big Spender! LOL Godam! No doubt th next time he gets to talkin to a couple clueless college kids he'll be tellin em about th 20% tip he left recently. Th phony-assed mutherfucker!

Man, I'm tellin ya, sometimes sittin around these saloons can be reel entertaining!

th cap'm


Subject: FYI--PRESCRIPTION DRUG PRICES
Date: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 4:52 PM

OK, ya'll, I'm repeatin myself here cuz I've told ya about this before, but jus fer th hell of it, bear with me one more time. If ya got health insurance and they pay fer yer drugs, it doesn't reely matter to you what th pharmacy is chargin th insurance company. BUT, if yer like me and don't have any health insurance, and have to pay fer yer meds outta yer own pocket, listen up. GO TO COSTCO They are by far th cheapest, and don't worry bout it, cuz ya don't have to be a member there to use th pharmacy!

Today, I was out at Wal-Mart and jus fer th hell of it, I checked out th price of some drugs I bought yesterday at Costco. I've had peoples tell me that Wal-Mart are th cheapest. No, No, No....they're not! Th price fer my meds there was $158.00 bucks!

So then later on in th afternoon I was at CVS. Th price there fer those same drugs was $278.00!! Sheeit!

OK, yesterday I paid $98.00 at Costco!

Check it out. Here they are,
CVS-----------$278.00
Wal-Mart----$158.00
Costco--------$98.00

Do ya notice th difference there boyz n gurlz? If money is of any importance to ya at all, and if yer buyin prescription drugs, GO TO COSTCO! With th money ya save there, ya can treat yerself to a little somethin special from Back Door Eddie down there on th corner!

th cap'm


Subject: FLIES
Date: Monday, July 27, 2009 3:59 AM

I was thinkin recently about th fly population of th world. Whadda ya suppose it is? We know there are approximately seven billion peoples on th planet, but how many flies do ya think there are? Well, regardless of how many there are, and I'll betcha there are quite a few of em....I was thinkin bout an improvement over th regular fly-swatter. I mean, lookit at everything else. Look where we've come! Th advances we've made... like, today, we have electric can openers, automatic toasters, electric ice boxes, etc,......then look at th fly-swatter. Whas new there? Nada Duke, thas what! It's th same ol fly swattin technology yer grandparents used.

And before that, they prolly usta use a piece of leather attached to a stick. Then one day, somebody figured those flies could see that thing bearin down on em and th flies learned to take evasive action. Ya had to be reely fast to nail one of em back in th olden days. So, instead of a solid piece of leather, that dude, and I say dude, cuz I'm sorry gurlz, but that was before gurlz had evolved to where they are today. Back then bout all a gurl could aspire to be was a Princess. Like, back then they didn't even know how to vote , or drive a car, or..... hmmm, come to think of it, mebbe things haven't changed so much after all. Ha ha Jus joshin gurlz. OK, OK, I remember Madam Currie! Well anyway, that unknown guy replaced that leather with a piece of wire screen. WHOOOSH! Kill ratios went up. Flies began droppin like...well flies y'know!

Today they would say th kill rate "skyrocketed", but personally, I hate to employ that over-used, trite, worn out expression, so....let's don't do it, aw'right! Why do they always say that shit? Everybody insists on sayin that to illustrate that th price of somethin went up. They always say it, "skyrocketed". Nah, it didn't skyrocket, it jus went up, thas all!! Fuck that! And another thing, stop sayin, "They threw him under th bus"! Can't those fuckers find some other expression to say, they abandoned him, they treated him badly, they disavowed him.....somethin, anything, I get so sick of hearin that. Hey, I got a good one, how about, "They threw him to th wolves?" Or mebbe, th lions. Nah, I guess PETA would be all over their asses if they used either one of those..

OK, so, here's what I'm thinkin; I'm takin this killin of th flies process to a Third Millennium Level, y'dig!? Like, I'm gonna replace that screen with a piece of high tech clear plastic! Ya see where I'm goin with this! Those fuckin flies won't ever see what splattered em! They won't know what hit em! Course I'll have to punch some holes in it too, cus those crafty flies are also able to detect th change in air pressure as that object comes bearin down on em, thas one of th ways they know it's time to get outta Dodge, but by makin th killin surface invisible to em, they'll get confused, they won't know what's goin on til they're jus a smear on th wall, and then it'll be too late. If all of th seven billions of peoples on th planet was armed with one of my fly killin devices, we could drastically reduce th fly population, thus makin our picnics more relaxin and enjoyable affairs. How many a good picnic has been ruined by swarms of these pests, annoyin yer guests and drivin em home early?
I'm gonna market em under th name, THE SURE KILL. They won't be gettin no second chances! My sales pitch is gonna be,

"ONE SWAT--ONE KILL! Yep, flies won't have a chance when ya employ THE SURE KILL! So, do yer part to reduce the fly population."

And I plan on offerin a one-time deal too, where if th customer calls in in th next 15 minutes, I'll send em at no additional costs, a JUNIOR SURE KILL fer th kids. That way th whole family can join in and have some fun. It'll be a great way to lure th kids away from their video games and spend some quality time with Mom and Pops. And it will also provide em with a good lesson in Life; that with superior fire power you can exert yer will on others!

Eventually th surviving flies will mutate and learn that we Homo Sapiens are one species not to be trifled with, and mebbe they'll stick to jus annoyin cows and such. Cows are pretty stupid and I don't think they'll be gettin this kinda technology any time soon, so th flies can still maintain their function in th big scheme of things. But, darn it all to fuckin heck, it's a shame Obama got lucky on that widely seen, unaided, manual kill, cuz a lotta peoples might see that and get th wrong impression. They might get to thinkin they don't need th SURE KILL; that they can kill th pesky fly without it too. What I'm thinkin here is, to counter that, we mount a campaign insinuating that Obama is an Alien Being; fuck th insinuation, let's jus flat out accuse him. Make im prove he's not an Alien from some other world where they are taught from birth how to squash flies usin techniques unknown to us. That would go a long ways I think, to lessen th impact of that kill.

Of course, with my plan, I'm sure I'll be hearin from PETA too, no doubt. After all th crap they dished out to th President of the United States fer killin jus one fly, whadda ya think they'll do to th Cap'm? They'll prolly accuse me of bein some kinda wanton, serial fly killer! They'll be whinin bout species cleansing, Insecticide or somethin, but fuck it, I'll jus buy em all off with some fox stoles, or mebbe some boots made outta some whooping cranes skins or somethin! Sheeit. Everybody got a price, right?! Besides, I wonder.... if they're even American citizens? Have ya once ever seen one of those loonfucks produce a birth certificate? Me neither! What does that tell ya?

th cap'm


Subject: WHERE ARE TH GHOSTBUSTERS WHEN YA NEED EM?
Date:Saturday, July 25, 2009 5:52 PM

OK, ya'll recall me tellin ya bout th strange experience I had a couple weeks ago, right? About my house keys bein somehow locked in my house, when ya can't lock th door without em! I'll never figure that one out, so I jus stopped tryin. But that kind goofy shit jus keeps on keepin on. And I'm gettin tired of it. So.....whoever or whatever th Forces involved are; STOP IT GODAMMIT!

Like, last nite, I was leavin Bobby Baker's there at th corner of 74th & Wornall. My ride was parked on 74th street right along side th joint. It was there fer 4 1/2 hours. When I went to leave, I hit th button on my key ring to open th car door, and when I opened it, my seat, th driver's seat, was reclined almost horizontally!! Now, looky here, th seat wasn't in that position when I went in th bar earlier, y'dig. Cuz, like most other vehicles, ya can't drive my car laying down. I mean, besides not bein able to see, yer arms would be a couple feet short of th steering wheel. So, I didn't drive th car up there in that position, OK?!

Now, I'm pretty sure I locked th car before goin in th bar, I usually do.... BUT, it's possible... it's possible...... I may not have. In which case, that means somebody came trippin along, saw my car sittin there, discovered it was unlocked, so then got in it and at some point reclined th seat. To what purpose? To take a nap? Or what? I mean, FUCK!

There was nothin missin from th car, cuz I had two rather expensive pool cues there, and they hadn't been touched, so I don't think theft was th goal. Did some body jus see my car and wondered what it would be like to sit in it? Did they sit there and fantasize about drivin down th street in it? I mean, it's kinda a cool ride, but sheeit! What th fu..........?
Th only other strange, inexplicable, explanation, and what are th chances of this; would be that while I was sittin inside, drinkin my brews, th Electrical System jus activated itself, all on it's own, and decided to re-position my seat! Yeah, right! That kinda shit happens all th time, doesn't it!

I dunno, it's awfully confusin. Like I've said before, I don't believe in poltergeists, ghosts, and that type of nonsense, but I'm beginnin to wonder jus what th other possibilities could be? And besides, what did I ever do to those fuckers anyway? It's bad enuff they fuck with me alla time around th crib, but now, they're followin me around, messin with me out on th streets? Aren't there some old mansions around that needs some good hauntings, or somethin? In other words,

WHY ME?

th cap'm


Subject: A GOOD READ?
Date: Friday, July 24, 2009 2:36 PM

Yesterday, I had a friend ask me if I had read Glenn Beck's book called, Common Sense? He mentioned that he had bought it at Barnes and Noble and that he thought it was, in his words, "a fair and balanced book". Hmmm, where have I heard that expression before?

I wrote im back and told im I didn't think I would be readin it any time soon. What I din't tell im in any kinda detail is that I think only Rush Limbaugh surpasses Glenn Beck in sheer utter Stupidity and Insanity! Oh wait, sheeit I forgot th last part of th Insane Brigade Triumvirate, th lovable Sean Hannity.

But I sometimes watch all three of those guys on th Fox New Channel, jus to see what they're up to, and I use th word "news" lightly. Yeah, yeah, I know it's "fair and balanced".... sure, jus like Chris Matthews, Keith Olberman, and Rachel Maddow are on MSNBC. They're fair and balanced too, well that is, if ya hate Republicans. Ha ha And while I don't "hate" Repubs, cuz I'm not a "hater", y'dig, (Ha ha that expression always amuses me) I sure don't agree with almost anything they stand for.

But, hey, if ya like Glenn Beck, ya can cop his book at B&N fer only ten bucks. But if I was you, I'd sooner spend my money on a bucket of shit, cus if ya ever decide to re-sell it, I think ya'd get more money fer th bucket of straight shit, rather than his watered down version.

But, thas jus me!

th cap'm

P.S. An odd thought jus struck me, (no comment here pleeze) I was thinkin; I wonder how a triple date would go between Rush, Glenn, and Sean, with Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter and Laura Ingram? Whoooie! I got a mental picture of it right now...and it's not a pretty sight! lol


Subject: CHEAP THRILLS
Date: Friday, July 24, 2009 1:31 PM

Well. I noticed where th Star published my letter bout Walter Cronkite in today's paper. Oh gosh, isn't that exciting boyz n gurlz! I've got goose-bumps! How's about youse guys? Ya got any goose-bumps too?

So.... I guess I won't be sayin anything derogatory about them... fer
a few days anyway.

I'm wonderin tho; is anybody gonna be buyin me congratulatory drinks this evening? I'm cheap, I'm easy! PBR's are OK by me! Y'know, jus in case yer were thinkin,

"Gee, I'd sure like to buy th cap'm a drink tonite, but I don't wanna commit a faux pas by buyin im somethin he don't like. What shall I do? hmmm?"

OK, once again kids, PBR's are OK by me!

th cap'm


Subject: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Date:Friday, July 24, 2009 12:46 PM

I was reading an article sent to me by one of my Texas connections, about some researchers in Japan who have discovered that th human body glows, emitting a visible light, altho in extremely small quantities. hmmm Well, I'll be damned. So there is some scientific evidence to support the assertion among some peoples who have long claimed that they can see another person's aura, a light surrounding peoples’ heads, which was widely held in ridicule. People who claimed this were mostly thought to be nutso and prolly trippin on some kinda psychedelic. Th researchers there are thinking that it might be a useful diagnostic tool in determining one's general health status.

I always find it interesting when we discover that old myths, beliefs, y'know, th kinda things we scoffed at, old wives tales and so on; and then one day some scientist discovers that there is in fact, validity to them. Ooops. Kinda like acupuncture. I remember as a kid seeing pictures of Chinese peoples with needles stickin out of em, who were being treated for some disorder or another, and thinking how crazy that was. Today, some main stream doctors will recommend it for their patients.

Th same holds true with chiropractic. Long held in disdain by traditional doctors, it has gained a legitimacy today, even among some of those former scoffers, especially in back disorders.

Well anyway, th next time some New-Ager type tells ya he can see yer aura, ask him how yer doin?

Th capt’


Subject: LIFE IN AMERICAN
Date:Thursday, July 23, 2009 5:07 PM

My good buddy, MS. Dorothy sent this to me earlier today. I hope you can access it and I hope you can take the time to read it, becuz it is rather long, but is worth reading I think, regardless of where you stand politically. I think it shows that it doesn't really make too much difference which party happens to be in power at any given time; that it's all basically the same. I think there are probably no more than 2,000 peoples who run and operate this country, and their methods and goals have nothing whatsoever to do with the way we have been taught and led to believe this country works. You have your 500+ members of Congress and then you have probably another 1,500 or so peoples of the Fortune 500 and other large corporations whose interests have nothing to do with the welfare of the citizens. Their motives are simply Profit and Power, and everything they do is geared to their central roles in maintaining their positions. It matters not to them if their interests collide with what is best for the American peoples, because, frankly my dear, they don't give a damn!

Contrary to what they have always tried to make us believe, they are only in it for themselves! Just as one example, the pharmaceutical companies don't really give a shit about your well being, they only want you to spend your money buying their products. People in Congress don't really give a shit about you, they only want to hang on to their position of Power, and if you think you can just vote them out of office and change things, take a look around and see what has really changed since Obama came into office? Not a helluva lot!! Besides, in most cases, they have the money from their special interest groups to defeat your efforts anyway! There are powerful people behind them who have the money to spend, brainwashing the rest of the peoples with their constant, insatiable ads with their buzzwords and slogans to convince them of their righteousness. Why do you think the guys who run campaigns so often come from the advertising world? These are peoples who are masters at selling you a piece of shit while convincing you it is a actually a rose! Well, anyway, here's the article.

It's from Rolling Stone and it will piss you off, no matter from what side of the fence you are standing on. (if you can't access this, it is from the July 13th issue) http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/29127316/the_great_american_bubble_machine

And below, here is my rambling reply to Ms. Dorothy.
_______________________________________________

"Yo, Ms Dorothy, the depth of the public's misunderstanding of how the world really works is just staggering. When gas hit $4.00 @ gallon, no one hardly asked WHY? We just bitched, and griped and moaned and then dug into our pockets to shell out 60-70 dollars to fill our tanks. But that price had nothing to do with supply and demand.

Think of how the price of gas can vary in just one week's of time? It's the same gas you bought the week before. It came from the same source and is of the same quality and it took the same cost and effort to get it to, and yet it's price goes up and down? Why? Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with 'supply and demand' as we have always been led to believe as the basis of it's costs. We have always been told this bullshit that that's how the price of something is determined in a capitalistic system; by how much of it there is, and the extent that people want it. And yet the price of gas can rise, even tho the supply is plentiful and the demand is lower!! The price of our gas and other commodities is simply based on what some wealthy Wall Street speculator thinks it should be, so he can make money off it.

People in this country have been so completely brainwashed and indoctrinated about the Evils of Socialism, that they willingly accept themselves being continuously fleeced and actually defend it. It's unbelievable! This fucked up Unfettered Capitalist system of government allows the obscenely wealthy to get even richer, while the masses are just so happy to get the pitiful little scraps thrown their way, they don't even care. Everybody was so tickled when the Bush Administration gave them back 300 crummy dollars they didn't even give a shit that the wealthy were getting back scores of thousands of dollars. Rich people were getting $70,000-80,000 back in returns, but regular peoples, well, they were just so thrilled to get their leftover, trickle down, paltry sums, that it was perfectly OK with them. And these same peoples who struggle to barely get by, who are manipulated like puppets on a string, who lose their jobs and their homes, who cannot afford to go to the doctor, will stand there and tell you they have no problem with some people making hundreds of millions of dollars a year, because, get this; they "earned" it!! FUCK!

Try and tell a sports fan that it's ridiculous that a ball player can make 25 million dollars a year playing baseball, and they will tell you he deserves it. Of course, they hate paying seven dollars for a hot dog, and 20 dollars to park their car, but they never make the connection. Why does it cost ten dollars to go to a movie? Becuz the actor or actress got 25 million dollars for three months work, that's why! It's just sickening. They don't even think, or realize, or care even, that those rich people make these gigantic fortunes off of their backs, every time they pay an artificially inflated price for their gas, food, health care, entertainment and every other aspect of their life.

Those same fucking fools will actually give you an example, for instance, of how we have over 400 billionaires in this capitalistic country, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN TH HISTORY OF THE WORLD by the way, whereas those French Socialists Asshole only have 4. Only 4 to our 400! Isn't that great?!

And while they're telling you how great this country is, they've just been laid off from their job of 22 years, without any kind of pension, and they're going to lose their house next month, and they can't take little Lucy to the dentist cus they hardly have enough money to even eat on, cus like every one else, they have been living the America Dream, buying everything they want on their credit cards and paying usurious amounts of interests. Cuz that's how we roll here Duke! And those same clueless Idiots will laugh and snicker at the French and make jokes about them, those dumb Frogs; meanwhile their counterpart in France, after everybody got their annual checkup, is getting ready to take the family on their annual vacation from their job as a bus driver, for chrissake, or a janitor fr'instance, for SIX FUCKING WEEKS!! Even those kind of peoples, with their menial jobs get six weeks vacation from their job, and lowly as it may be, their job is guaranteed for life. They don't get laid off becuz some billionaire tycoon bought the factory they work in and is moving it to Indonesia where the labor is cheaper, so that he and his investors can make even more money that they already have and couldn't even spend. And minimum wage is 12 dollars an hour, but oh wait, the catch is; they have to pay such high taxes, Oh horrors! Yep.

Whereas an American worker making 6 dollars an hour, doesn't have to pay as much. He only has to pay 20%, and he is also living in THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD and that makes up for a lot. Of course, that paltry sum is nowhere near enough to raise a family on, and he doesn't have any health care cuz, on $4.80 @ hour after taxes, y'know, he sure as fuck can't afford it, but hey, looky here, if his job lasts for two years and if he doesn't get "downsized" in the meantime, he will then be eligible for a weeks' vacation. Man, how bout that? Whooo boy, a whole fucking week off!

And those silly French, with their silly socialist system! Ha ha What a joke huh? Obviously no one has ever explained to them the beauties of the American Capitalistic System, working in conjunction with the American Democratic System; the final result being, the creation of THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I hope you don't think I'm over doing that slogan, because as a matter of fact we have been told this our entire lives. It's been drilled into us from the time we were born, ad infinitum. You probably don't remember your parents cooing into your face and saying,

"OH, you are just the cutest little baby in the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD."

But, they did! Cuz their parents told them the same thing! And if you repeat that often enough, it will act like blinders on you to shield you from the Reality of the Madness, and Greed and the sheer Hypocrisy of the Potemkin village that surrounds our every day life. Say it over and over! And it will help a lot too if you keep your head firmly buried in the sand. Keep it there! Remember,
IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

Is this the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD?

You betcha!!

charley

P.S. Scuuuse me, I got a bit carried away there, huh! lol
_______________________________________

Well, ya see, it pissed ME off anyway!

th cap'm


Subject: THE CAP'M COMPLIES
Date: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:56 AM

Yesterday, I told you that two peoples requested that I delete them from my e-mail list, one of whom is a former Marine, because they didn't approve of my vulgar language. I responded thusly to them in return. To her I said,

"Of course, I will comply with your request. And please convey my best wishes to the rest of the folks there at Disney World!

And to him, I said,

"Mea Culpa, I completely forgot that most guys join the Marine Corp immediately upon graduation from Bible School! Excuuuuse me!"

I feel so Cheap and Tawdry!

th cap'm


Subject: HEALTH CARE REFORM
Date: Monday, July 20, 2009 10:10 PM

Republican National Party Buffoon Michael Steele said of President Obama,
"He's conducting a dangerous experiment with our health care and the quality of our lives. All of us should be scared to death! Slow down Mr. President!"

Yeah, slow down, like, sheeit, they've been tryin to ram this health care reform down our throats fer th past 20 years. C'mon, slow it down a bit huh! Let's take it easy and don't make any rash, hasty moves, aw'right? But, since I don't have any health care of any kind, I'm wonderin jus what th hell do I have to be scared of? I'll tell ya, what scares me is, fucking Idiots like Michael Steele and his ilk

th cap'm


Subject: IMPORTANT NOTICE TO READERS
Date: Monday, July 20, 2009 7:15 PM

Today, I had two folks on my email list, both relatives, one a former Marine, who asked to be deleted becuz my offensive and vulgar language was jus too much fer their sensitivities.

If you should be of a like mind and find yerself cringin in horror and dread each time ya get a message from me, knowin full well there are goin to be shocking vulgarities there.... PLEEZE, do not hesitate to let me know, cuz th last thing I would ever want to do is OFFEND. OMG! There is simply no reason to put yerself thru that kind of HORROR!!

I understand perfectly well that Disneyland is a swell place and nothing bad ever happens there and Mickey Mouse never uttered a "Mutherfucker" in his life! And they all lived happily ever after!

So...if you are also tired of bein aurally assaulted.... lemme know, OK, cus Relief is only a click away!

th cap'm


Subject: RE: THE MUTHERFUCKERS AT TIME-WARNER
Date: Monday, July 20, 2009 12:51 PM

A buddy of mine wrote me sayin,

GOOD MORNING CHARLEY,
MOST THINGS COST MONEY TO DO, INCLUDING COMING TO YOUR HOUSE IN A $40,000 WORK VAN FULL OF TEST TOOLS!
PERHAPS YOU COULD SAVE $20 TRIP CHARGE IF YOU TOOK IT TO THERE SHOP?

I replied,

Well, what pisses me off Duke, is, in spite of the $40,000 dollar van full of work tools, they some how can go to your house for FREE if you are a NEW customer. And then they will install your internet and phone service for FREE once again...BUT... if you have been a long time faithful customer of their cable service, for years paying your bills on time... then they charge you $85.00 to simply upgrade your existing system. And $20.00 of that is to make the trip. BULLSHIT!! That's BULLSHIT.

And since they are installing phone and internet in your house, that's not something you can take to the shop to have done. See what I mean? I stand by my statement,

fuck th mutherfuckers!

My thinking and almost all businesses do this: they calculate the cost of all the expenses they incur to provide you with their service, like the costs of running a van around, fr'instance, and they add them all up into one single price! When I go to the grocery store, the $3.00 I pay for my gallon of milk also includes the costs of the truck that delivered it. There is no trip fee involved.

It's a bullshit sneaky way to pad your bill. Years ago when I took advantage of a coupon to get my car lubed for $20.00, when they were finished, my bill was for $23.00! They tried to add three dollars for "OFFICE SUPPLIES"! When I balked at paying the extra three dollars, the young gurl patiently explained that they had to buy th paper and pens and so on involved in every transaction. I asked her if I was going to have to help pay for their rent and utilities too? I told her they should include the office supply costs into their total bill, instead of sneakily adding it on later. I pointed out the coupon said $20.00 and said nary a word about extra fees for "office supplies" and I wasn't about to pay anything over and above what their coupon stated and I dared her to call the police and have me arrested cuz I was gonna sue the shit outta them for false arrest, because the arrest stemmed from their fraudulent and illegal price gouging practice and I was gonna file a complaint against them with the the state Attorney General too. I told em,

"fuck you, go ahead, arrest me." They decided real quick to let th issue drop. So Duke, I hope this better clarifies my views about Time-Warner and their "Trip fees". Ha ha

charley


Subject: SHE'S BAAACK!
Date: Sunday, July 19, 2009 8:09 PM

Wow! Earlier I was lookin at somethin or other on U-tube and on th side, there was a somethin from a small town in Texas where these insane peoples said they could see th Virgin Mary in a splatter of bird shit on their car. No shit! So to speak.

This cracks me up.

It seems that a couple times a year, some one some place sees th Virgin Mary. It might be in a cinnamon roll in a Philadelphia deli, or a stain on a window of a hospital in Krakow, or an ice cream stain on a sidewalk in San Antonio. But it's always Catholics who see her. And exclusively too, cuz Baptists don't see her in their palm tree limbs. Neither do th Yanomani. But, besides all those other various places she pops up, this is th first time I've ever heard of her appearing in a piece of bird shit. Isn't that incredible!

What do ya think it means

If you have ever seen th rendition of her standing, eyes lookin heavenwards, hands clasped in prayer, surrounded by a ring of stars that encircle her, that's what this pic was. You will see this pic tattooed on a lot of Chicano dudes. I think mebbe it's th Virgin of Guadeloupe.

I don't know, I mean, I'm not a religious person any more...but I respect most other peoples beliefs, whether they be's Christian, or Muslim, or Jewish, or whatever.... but ya notice I said most, cuz frankly, I find snake handlers pretty fuckin crazy, fr'instance. Jains are pretty nutty. Likewise Holy Rollers and peoples who speak in tongues, Scientologists, Moonies, Rastafarians, television evangelists, Voodoo, y'know, alla those kinda quacks. Ditto, peoples who see th Virgin Mary in splatters of bird shit.

Man , ya gotta reely WANT to believe to see her in that piece of shit. Ya gotta reely stretch yer imagination fer that one! OK... I saw th piece of shit, and it's beyond me how some FOOL could see th Virgin Mary there, and yet these whackos were jus in near Rapture over th notion that she had chosen to appear to them! So what if it was in a piece of shit; has she ever appeared to you? So.. there!!

the capt’


Subject: ANOTHER GIANT OF AN ERA MOVES ON
Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009 1:51 PM

Just a couple thoughts about Walter Cronkite. Like Edward R. Murrow, and in recent years, Tim Russert, he was one of th giants of journalism. Th man was th consummate professional. If Cronkite said it, you could take it to th bank!

Watchin th evening news with Cronkite was what you did if you wanted to know what was goin on in th world, without spin, bias or bullshit. It was a nightly ritual cuz he was th Man!! I followed Cronkite thru his whole broadcasting career.
I was listening in Disbelief and utter Shock when he announced the assassination of JFK on Nov. 22, 1963.

I was there when he said Vietnam was lost. And when Walter Cronkite said it was a lost cause, that was virtually th final nail in th coffin. That was all any one needed.

I was there when he anchored th Democratic Convention in Chicago in '68 when th cops were bustin heads of anything that moved, includin some journalists.

I was there, trippin on acid, as he followed th moon landing non-stop, th 40th anniversary of which is coming up on July 20th. He could hardly contain th Glee, Excitement and Awe he felt witnessing th greatest achievement in Human History. (and bein under th influence of th heaviest of psychedelics, ya can imagine what was goin thru my mind. Ha ha Wow, can't believe that was 40 years ago! Where did th time go? I find myself askin that a lot these days)

Walter Cronkite was there, reporting in his inimitable style, every major event that happened from th early '60s to th early '80s, and I, like so many other Americans, was right there with him too! He was th guy other news peoples tried to emulate, but........ there was only ONE WALTER CRONKITE!! And now he's gone!!

RIP

th cap'm

P.S. A lotta young folks today, weren't even born during his tenure; they don't really know anything about him....and thas a Shame!


Subject: AN AMERICAN HERO--TH REAL DEAL!
Date:Tuesday, July 14, 2009 11:26 PM

My buddy, Stag Fury sent this my way. I'm passin it on cuz after all th bullshit about Michael Jackson ad nauseaum, which kept me scramblin fer my barf bag continuously, it seems such a shame that a guy like this died with almost no notice at all. This man was a REAL AMERICAN HERO, not some over-glorified pop-star, and yet.......who knew?

Gettin this was th first and only time I had heard about this, so I'm doin my small part to see that some one else remembers him, and what he did fer us and what we owe him! Whyn't ya'll do th same cuz this was a man who deserves our respect! While I can't guarantee to th authenticity of this story........it's good enuff fer me.

th cap'm

One of the "Band of Brothers" soldiers died on June 17, 2009. We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services for such as Michael Jackson. I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry. If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket.

I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat. Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many umps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart skipped. At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccata, and then jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where Normandy is?"

At this point my heart stopped. I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem.

I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day. I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes. And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can't make the trip."

My heart was in my throat and I didn't know what to say. I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach. He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man very happy."

His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this. Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer. There was no parade. No big event in Staples Center.

No wall-to-wall back-to-back 24/7 news coverage. No weeping fans on television. And that's not right.

Let's give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet way. Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the veterans.

Rest in peace, Shifty.


Subject: SOME MORE JULY 4th AFTERMATH
Date: Sunday, July 12, 2009 7:25 PM

I jus found out last nite that another friend of mine had quite an end to his july 4th celebration. Last week when we left th bar at closin time to go over and finish up th nite at my buddy's house I told ya about, this individual got on his bike to go to Westport and raise hell. Don't know why, but fer some reason he was pissed.

Was itchin to fight somebody, anybody...... didn't really matter to him.

We tried to calm im down a bit, but he wasn't goin fer it. He jus wanted to kick somebody's ass! So...as he pulled off th curb, screamin down Troost Ave. zig-zaggin and wobblin like crazy, I said, "There's an accident waitin to happen!" Little did I realize how prophetic that statement was.

So, as I understand it, he went on down to Westport, got in his fight, beat up two guys pretty badly, got on his bike and a short time later, laid it down goin round a curve. Whew! Really fucked hisself up. Broken ribs, pelvis broken in four places, missin teeth, left leg jus completely fucked up. At one point they thought they were goin to have to amputate his foot, but then managed to save it.

I visited im in th hospital earlier today fer a few minutes jus to check on im, see how he was doin. Oh man, what a mess! His leg was as big as a tree trunk, no jive, knee cap ripped off, his ankle was th thickness of a football, y'would havta seen it to believe it, I'm tellin ya, th dude was in bad shape. And he was pretty jacked up on morphine, so our conversation was kinda limited, y'know, but we did share one amusin moment when one more of his teeth fell out while we were talkin. Ha ha Yeh, I know, thas not funny, but dammit, he started it! And once we got started, well, y'know how that goes sometimes, we couldn't stop!

Th nurse happened to come in at that point and saw us crackin up and gave us a quizzical look, and my bud jus held up his tooth, and we started laffin again. She jus shook her head, checked some things and went out.

Well, y'know how it is sometimes ese; all ya CAN do is...... LAFF!

th cap'm

P.S. OK kids, if ya don't wanna pickle; stay off yer motor-sickle!


Subject: THE AFTERMATH
Date: Friday, July 10, 2009 12:38 PM

As I mentioned, a few days ago, I had a rather lively Independence Day. But bein an old geezer, I wound up my evening around 4ish in th morn. In my advanced years, I'm only good fer about 7-8 hours of gettin down, y'know what I mean. But last nite, one of my fellow revelers, told me about "th rest of th story".

When I left th Party House, there was a lotta frenzied dancin goin on; that X affects peoples like that y'know, but I never did join in. Yeah, like, when they were handin out th "dancin genes", I was busy gettin stoned behind th handball courts, so ever since then, I've missed out on that fun part of life.

Sheeit, I watched a lotta school dances, drunk and fucked up on th sidelines, with th rest of th crew, ya remember those guys. Well fuck, y'know, ya know, ya jus gotta play th hand you were dealt and make th best of it, so, I'm not bitchin, y'know, cuz we had our own brand of fun!

But, in any case, back to my tale. Th rest of th partiers, bein 35 years younger and doin a lot more X than me too, weren't into callin it a nite then. Evidently, after I left, it seems that one of my buddies decided that he didn't like his sneakers any more and so he went out to th host's garage and got some gasoline and soaked his sneakers in it and then burned em up in th fireplace. I know....a lotta peoples jus throw things away when they're done with em, but thas jus th way he rolls I guess!

Then, in one of those fucked-up-who-gives-a-shit-drugged-out moments, they all decided they wanted mohawks, well that is, except th sneaker burner, Nah, he wasn't into no kinda tomfoolery like that, I mean, he might be into burnin up his sneakers and all, but he took an El Paso on th mohawk party. Then around noonish, they've all been partyin hearty now fer about 18 hours, they all decided to have a few more brews before windin down th July 4th Celebration, it bein July 5th now, so they all went down to th Peanut there at 51st and Main,

y'know, all oh em totally fucked up by now, Ha ha with their mohawks and one of em barefoot. Jus th crowd yer bartender likes to see comin into th joint mid-day. haha I kinda imagine it was one of those moments as a bartender when ya wished ya had become a Refuse Recovery Engineer instead. But fortunately, th peoples there know em, and so endured th unendurable graciously.

Y'know, I'm kinda curious... cus like, if I hadn't gone home when I did and had stuck around fer th duration.....I'm wonderin what I would look like with a mohawk!? Nah, I think mebbe I made th right move!

th cap'm


Subject: TWO MYSTERIES TOO MANY ON A WEDNESDAY NITE
Date:Thursday, July 9, 2009 4:07 PM

This is jus awfully weird! Mystery # 1. Last nite, before hittin th saloon, I performed my pre-departure rituals, y'know, some tokes and snorts to get my head right. Now, I live in th lower half of a duplex; there's a door to th outer building, then into th hallway where my door is, then steps goin upstairs to th landlord's place. OK. so I have two sets of keys, one set opens th door to my crib, th other is for th outer door, and it also has my car keys on it. Now, both of these doors can only be locked and unlocked with th keys.

So, bein sufficiently prepped, I locked both doors, stepped down my three steps off th porch, and as I was walkin down my drive way to my ride parked in the back I went to separate th two sets of keys to get my car keys, but DAMN! I musta dropped em cuz I was only holdin th set to th inner door. Sheeit, I hadn't even walked 15 feet. So I back tracked lookin at th driveway and then checked th sidewalk, but I didn't see em there....so I figured they must be on th small brick porch. Nope! they weren't there either. I musta not looked close enuff. So I went back over th area I jus covered and looked there again. Damn, I was startin to get pissed. Even tho there wasn't much light there, I still thought I would be able to spot em. Then I thought, Oh sheeit, I musta left em in th fookin door, cus I do that sometimes .... but no, they weren't there either. Alla this stuff I'm talkin bout has already taken up 15 minutes. cuz I looked pretty good. I had a flashlight in my car, but sheeit, th car was locked.

So finally, I went next door and borrowed a flashlight from my neighbor. I spent th next fucking hour, a solid hour mind ya, goin over and over th places I had already searched. I checked my pockets 25 fuckin times, jus to be sure I hadn't overlooked em. It was hot and humid and by then, my t-shirt and shirt were soakin wet, I had sweat drippin off my nose and ears, and by then th batteries in th flashlight were gone for all practical purposes. I sat down on th steps and tried to figure out what was happenin and what to do next? I was thinkin I was gonna have to get a cab and spend th night in a motel and find em in th morning. I was soooo pissed, not jus caused I had lost th keys within 15 feet of where I last had em, but because they had jus seemingly, without any possible reason, disappeared off th face of th earth without any kinda plausible explanation! It jus didn't make any sense at all. I didn't know what th hell to do next, and suddenly, in a Eureka moment, ZOUNDS! I remembered that I kept a set of house keys stashed in a hidden place jus fer such a situation!!

Sheeit, and they were not even two feet away from where I was sittin. Sheeit, how in th fuck could I have not remembered that? Oh yeah, thas right, considerin how stoned I was, I guess that wasn't reel hard to figure out. But that pissed me off even more when I thought th last hour of futile searchin could have all been avoided if I had jus remembered that one little detail. I pledged right then and there to never indulge in any short-term-memory-loss inducing dope any more. Quoting Chief Joseph of th Nez Perce, if I might paraphrase, I said,

"From now where the moon stands, I shall smoke no more weed again forever!"

So, I went in th crib, washed myself off, and lookin in th mirror, I couldn't help but notice that that was one frazzled, dreary-eyed, bedraggled lookin critter starin back at me. It was a rendition of that classic, but trite scene in th movies where one looks deeply at one's visage in th mirror, searchin fer one's soul, ya know th one I mean! It wasn't a pleasant image, I'm tellin ya! Well anyway, I dried myself off, put on a nice, dry clean shirt, picked up my spare set of car keys and headed to th saloon, now already an hour and a half behind my drinkin schezhule. I hate to get behind schezhule, don't you? I had some catchin up to do. And when I got there, I bored th shit out of th peoples about, tellin em th sad and explicable tale of my search fer my lost keys. One buddy of mine said.

"Well ya look kinda frazzled Cap."

I erupted and blasted out,

"WELL FUCK YEAH I'M FRAZZLED! I BEEN LOOKIN EVERY FUCKIN PLACE FER MY FUCKING KEYS FER TH LAST FUCKIN HOUR AND A HALF!!"

And he said,

"Never mind that now, put it outta yer mind, you'll find em tomorrow in th daylight. C'mon, I got somethin fer ya."

And so I followed im out to his car and got stoned! Yeah, yeah, I know..... I know bout that pledge, but it was jus fer that one time, y'know, reely!

So, around three I went home, was gonna wait fer sunrise, find my keys, settle th Mystery. I go into th crib and went to put my keys in th tin cup I leave by th door, so I'll always know where my keys are, y'dig, it's one of those little mnemonic tricks us old geezer use, and MUTHERFUCKER! SUNUVABITCH! I couldn't believe my eyes! My lost keys are right there in th cup! All that time and energy I had wasted, all that frustration, all that mental anguish, fer naught.

Well now, even tho I was somewhat relieved, glad to locate em, not gonna have to go to th hassle of contactin Cadillac to see if they could replace em, y'know cuz they have th automatic trunk and door lock system in em... ya might think this is th happy ending, right? I should be happy and satisfied, right?

But here's th new mystery Duke....OK....MYSTERY #2......

since my outer door can only be locked with th keys....then how in th fuck could th door have been locked if th fuckin keys were inside th house all th time, sittin there in th tin cup??? Huh? Splain that to me!!! Cus ya can't lock th fuckin door WITHOUT TH KEYS!!!

Ese, I'm thinkin this is one Mystery thas not gonna be solved!!

th cap'm


Subject: FINGER LICKIN GOOD
Date: Wednesday, July 8, 2009 2:40 AM

One nite last week, on th bar closin, I gave a friend a ride home. We went in his place to do a couple more tokes before wrappin up th evening. But he also happened to have a few pieces of fried chicken, mebbe three or four, and he told me to help myself and take home th rest. Now this particular fried chicken came from Cafe Europa, which is there in the 400 block of E. 55th street, y'know, that small shoppin center between Brookside and Oak. I mention this cuz if ya like fried chicken, ya will absolutely love this stuff. I mean, it jus doesn't get any better than this, I don't care where ya go! I can't tell ya when I've had any better, even takin into consideration th influence of my stoned state of being.

OK, so anyway, I'm standin there at th kitchen counter, gettin closer to Nirvana with each bite, and he said there was some kinda dip there if I wanted to dunk th chicken in it, but I didn't wanna pollute th taste sensations I was already gettin, so I declined. There were two small bowls there on th counter; one had th dip, and th other was a bowl of bright red dishwashing soap. About that time his roommate came in, and was pretty wasted himself and saw th chicken there on a plate and started to help himself, but th other guy told im,

"Hey, thas Charley's, leave it alone."

But he said somethin or other to th effect,

"Sorry Charley, but I'm hungry!"

and proceeded to rip into a piece. Well, sheeit, I wasn't too happy bout that cuz I was throughly enjoyin it and plannin on eatin th last two pieces when I got home, but what th fuck, it was given to me anyway, and rememberin my childhood lessons bout "sharing", I didn't say anything. But sheeit ese, every bite he took pained me, cuz I was thinkin,

"Man, that shoulda been mine!"

While he was scarfin away I told im there was some dip too, and he said, "Cool!" and immediately dipped his chicken into Bowl # 2, Ha ha, that would be th bowl of bright red dishwashing soap. Well, my first inclination was to tell im, but then, my darker side prevailed. And so I bemusedly watched im dip his chicken in there several times and then finally asked im,

"So...how's th chicken?"

And he said,

"Oh man, it's delicious!"

And I said,

"Right on but whadda'ya think bout th dip?"

He said,

"Not too crazy bout th dip tho."

And I chuckled and said,

"Well, no big deal, Ya can always use it to wash yer dishes with!"

And then broke out in a small guffaw. Suddenly, sensing somethin was amiss, he took a closer look at th bowl, and picked it up and smelled it and it dawned on him what was happenin, and he got kinda pissed and said,

Why in th hell didn't ya tell me, ya asshole?!"

And I told im that he seemed to be enjoyin it and I didn't wanna spoil his enjoyment, alla time thinkin to myself,

"Serves ya right Asshole fer takin MY chicken! Ya Prick!"

But I kept that to myself. Ha ha So, a few minutes later, finishin up, I put th last piece in a baggie and put it in my pocket to eat when I got home. But CURSES, when I got back to th crib and went to fish th thing outta my pocket FUCK!! it wasn't in th bag! Sheeit. I already lost one piece to that greedy pig, and now, somehow or another, I had lost th other one! And that stuff was GOOD too Duke!! So, what could I do, eh?

Well, fer starters, I went out and searched th driveway and th back of my crib where I park my ride, cuz I was gonna eat that thing no matter where it fell...... well, unless that is, if it had landed in a pile of dog shit. But even then I was wonderin, if it did, could I mebbe wash it off good enuff? Well, no matter cus I couldn't find it anyway. So with a heavy heart, and throughly bummed out, I finally had to concede th field. I racked out, and lay there tossin and turnin, tryin to figure out what th hell happened to it, and finally managed to drift off into a restless, uneasy sleep.

Th next afternoon, soon as I got up I searched th driveway again, cuz sheeit, I still woulda eaten it, but I still couldn't find it. I finally had to concede it was gone Forever, never to be relished! Man, chicken like that is jus too fuckin good to waste, y'know what I mean?!

th cap'm

P.S. Cafe Europa Sunday Nite Chicken Special, about 6:30- to 8:30. Tell em th Cap'm sent ya, cuz fer every twenty peoples I bring in, I get a free chicken leg. Thas right and I'll be standin there by th door, counting ya as ya come in. I'm not smokin ya, that stuff is PRIMO! And if ya wanna show yer appreciation fer me hippin ya to it, if ya were to dip into yer "doggie" bag and give me a little tidbit, well, I wouldn't take offense!


Subject: HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME ON THE 4th OF JULY
Date: Monday, July 6, 2009 1:18 AM

OK, I had a swell time this past 4th. I caught a reely spectacular fireworks display right in th very heart of th city. I'm tellin ya, these guys went all out. This was not jus a couple guys goin in together to put ona little show fer th neighbors, nah, this was a full blown, window-bustin, event that went on sporadically fer an hour.

These guys spent hours all day puttin this thing together, settin up th system, and it was a reely complicated affair too. One of these dudes is getting a Pyrotechnics' license to do this kinda thing professionally next year, so, like I said, it wasn't yer regular neighborhood display! And to their credit, they musta spent as much time on th clean-up too, cuz I went by th site today expectin to see debris scattered all over a area th size of a football field, but there was no trace that anything at all had ever transpired there.

Usually, I don't get into holiday celebrations. This was th first time in prolly more than 20 years I had attended any of those celebrations yer friends always invite ya to. Frankly, I don't like sittin around on swelterin hot days, drinkin warm beer, sweatin like a pig, constantly swattin gnats and flies away. And thas jus what I wind up doin, since I don't get involved in th usual softball games, or th pitchin of th horseshoes, y'know, th kinda typical activities peoples engage in at affairs such as this. So, I usually jus stay home in th cool confines of th crib, but th weather bein so nice this year, th bar bein closed, (a major factor) this year I went fer th gusto, and a might fine time it was too. I throughly enjoyed myself!

And I'll tell ya a little secret to havin a good time too; what ya do is, take ya some nabumetone, goodly amounts of cocaine, lotsa beer and weed, oxycodone, more beer and marijuana, and then top it all off with a hit of X....... mix em all together.....and let th good times roll Duke!! Sheeit, if ya do those simple steps, ya could have a good time at yer aunt Mary's funeral!! Trust me on this one.

th cap'm


Subject: THE CIRCUS CONTINUES!
Date: Saturday, July 4, 2009 7:49 PM

Sarah Palin. Whew! What a piece of work!

When John McCain announced her as his running mate, my first thought was, "Who?" Then, as her resume was revealed, the sum total of her political experience being the Mayor of a small town of 9,000 peoples and then, the Governor of Alaska, my next thought was; John McCain really is senile! She was a nobody. I'm sure that you couldn't have found one in a hundred peoples who had ever heard of her. What the hell was he thinking? Why in the world did he pick her? And according to reports, McCain had picked her solely on the basis of one interview. Didn't sound like very good judgement to me from a guy who had tried to make that his greatest selling point; his mature, seasoned judgement, based on a long life of service to his country, in uniform and then in the Senate. I don't know if you knew it or not, but he was POW during the Vietnam War. Did you ever happen to hear about that? He mentioned it a few times.

But then, I heard her speech at the Republican National Convention, and I thought, "Well. maybe he's not as goofy as I thought." because the fact is; she gave a pretty darned good speech.

But then, as they had to, she was turned loose to try and speak, without the benefit of a speech writer to put the words in her mouth. And after her interview with Katie Couric, the real Sarah Palin was revealed. A person incapable of answering the most simple and basic questions. An inarticulate buffoon who spewed words out in some unfathomable manner and who made no sense at all. A person who said that by just living in close proximity to Russia, that that gave her foreign policy credentials. You know, up there in Alaaaska, "where Putin rears his ugly head". Ha ha I mean, really, how could anyone listen to that kind of utter nonsense and give her any kind of credence at all? That one statement, by itself, should have answered any questions you might have had as to her qualification to attain a high rank in government. It showed that she is absolutely stupid. If she wasn't, she would never have made such a stupid remark.

The Repubs tried to clean up that mess and spin the whole interview as some kind of, "ambush, unfair, hatchet job." Yeah, you know, because of those tough questions like, "What do you read?" I mean, who could answer that? Or, "What are the duties of the Vice President?" Just because she was running for that office, what a trick question! Then Sarah, repeating her mantra from the convention, kept insisting in speech after speech that she had sold the state airplane on E-bay to save money and had stopped the bridge to no where, in spite of the fact she did neither. The plane was sold through regular, normal channels.....at a loss! And while stopping the bridge itself, she still kept the money. But she continued to tell those outright lies at every opportunity where there were more than three people.

Sarah's folksy manner endeared her to a lot of people, who interpreted it as that, she was just one of us. Not your regular Washington politician as she never tired of telling us. And many dumb Americans of the Republican persuasion didn't really care if she was lying through her teeth or not, they just liked Sarah anyway, regardless of the blather she put out. Heck, if you could teach a parrot to say their talking points, they might very likely elect them. Just tell them what they want to hear.
Sarah never stopped talking about Obama "paling" around with terrorists, you know, people who wanted to blow up American institutions, but never mentioned that her own husband was a member of an Organization for Seven years whose main goal was to secede from the United States. So, that's Patriotism, huh?

It didn't really take long, before people discovered that this Vice Presidential candidate was totally unqualified and incompetent to be a VP, especially with an old codger like John McCain who very likely wouldn't live out his term, thus thrusting Sarah Palin into the Presidency. It was a truly frightening thought!

In selecting Palin, John McCain made the biggest political blunder in American history, and it clearly showed that his judgement couldn't possibly be any worse. He said repeatedly that he chose her because he thought she was the best choice for the country. It didn't take too many sessions with Sarah Palin to realize that she was completely out of her league. And it then became apparent that he chose her, not for what was best for this country, but because he so wrongly believed that She gave him the best chance of getting himself elected. The clown who never tired of repeating "America First." but it was obvious he only was thinking of "John McCain First".

And it was obvious to any one with half a brain, that he had made an absolutely STUPID choice... but what could they do? As much as the McCain camp would have liked to, they couldn't get rid of her without admitting that their guy had made a colossal error in judgement. They were screwed any way you look at it. Well, we are just now beginning to find out the truth behind the rumors that have been swirling around about all the infighting and dissension among the McCain and Palin staffs. To give you an idea, McCain himself has noticeably refrained from endorsing his own running mate in any future election, a person he selected himself, As a matter of fact, he doesn't even include her in possible contenders. What does that tell you?

Now, this ditzy woman has quit her job taking care of the people of Alaska, “up there,” half way through her term. And her explanation is as rambling and nonsensical as anything else she has ever tried to explain. I think you would have to be retarded to think there is anything going on at all in her head. How could any sane person hear her reasons and rationale for quitting her Governorship in mid-term?

As always, she tries to make it out that she's doing it for the peoples of Alaska. Yep, she's quitting halfway through for the good of her Alaaskan constituents. She doesn't want them to have a lame duck governor. It's for them! You understand? It's for the peoples of Alaska. But thinking about it reasonably, sanely.....what if all governors quit their terms with two years left.... to save their constituents from having to endure a lame duck Governor?

Man, it could get real confusing couldn't it?

In a perfect world, Sarah Palin would fade off into the oblivion she so richly deserves.... but you know as well as me, that's not going to happen! We're going to have to deal with this Nutball for a long time to come. Some nightmares just keep recurring, you know what I mean! No matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they just keep coming back!

th cap'm


Subject: TH CAP'M MAKES A BIG SCORE
Date: Saturday, July 4, 2009 5:07 PM

OK, this is cool. I jus came back from my favorite thrift store, Major Thrift, th place where I buy all my threads, 47th and Mission Rd, right by Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. They are havin a 4th of July sale there, for one day only. That would be today.

Here's what I copped,
1 blue blazer (Foreman & Clark)
8 dress shirts (Stafford, Van Heusen, Geoffrey Beene)
7 T-shirts (with various designs)
1 small cooking pot
1 address book
1 carrying case for my Mac
and a "Book of Etiquette" by Emily Post.
TOTAL COST $25.85! Thas right Duke! TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AND EIGHTY- FIVE CENTS!!

Es todo, comprende? Sheeit! Can ya beat that!? I mean, imagine what all that stuff woulda cost new?!

And even tho that etiquette book is 25 years old, and in case ya haven't noticed, th Times; they have changed, I'm thinkin that book might still come in handy, mebbe give me some hints to avoid th occasional faux pas, y'know, some clues on how to properly conduct myself in social situations. It's mebbe too bad I didn't have access it before, cuz I'm thinkin I mighta committed a bit of a gaffe while I was in th midst of my shoppin. Altho, truth be told, it did influence me, even tho still unread.

Yeah, there was in incident that kinda marred an otherwise pleasant shopping experience. I had jus picked up this nice lookin shirt when I couldn't help but notice this elderly lady in a wheelchair, furiously rollin her way down th aisle towards me. And before she got to me she said in a quiverin voice,

"Oh Sir, Sir............"

And I looked down at her and she said,

"I'm so embarrassed to ask you, but I was going to buy that very shirt yesterday for my nephew for his birthday. But I had to wait until today when it was on sale. Could you please, please let me have it. I would be ever soo grateful!"

And I replied,

"Looky here Granny, at yer age, I'm sure ya've heard th old expression, "the early bird gets the worm", right? And in this situation, I'm th BIRD and yer Johnny-Come-Lately. Are ya catchin my drift here?"

And she got this pained look on her face and said,

"I know, you picked it up first, but I was so hoping to give it to him. He would be so delighted, You see, I'm on a very limited income and that's why I couldn't buy it yesterday." and she scrunched up her face and her voice began to tremble.

I said,

"Hey, WHOA! Don't be pullin those crocodile tears on me cus thas not gonna work, see!
I didn't get where I am today, see, by panderin to th whines of little old ladies in wheelchairs, y'dig!"

And she said, crestfallen,

"You mean you're not going to let me have it?"

"Well, I see that in spite of yer advanced years, yer not delusional yet!"

And her shoulders drooped and her whole body seem to sag in resignation and defeat,

"Oh, you're so mean!" she barely whispered.

But not quiet enuff cus I heard her y'know, and I said,

"Aw'right, thas it! I'm not takin any more shit offa you! Let's take it outside, C'mon, bring it on!!"

I remembered our former President used that last bit to warn off his terrorists, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Her eyes got reel big and she said, in a reel frightened voice,

"But...but... I'm just a little old lady in a wheelchair! I don't even weigh a hundred pounds, how could you?"

"Toots, ya shoulda thought of that before ya started bad-mouthin me!"

And I was gettin in rumble-mode, y'know, gettin th adrenaline pumpin, gettin ready to throw down, but I happened to notice th book of etiquette there in my cart, and I thought to myself,

"Hmmmm, I wonder if there's a chapter in there dealin with confrontations with little old ladies in wheelchairs? And whether Violence is th answer?"

And I got to thinkin bout th whole situation and so, I really don't know why, but I did a complete 180 and jus said to heck with it, and told her she could have th shirt. And she broke into a big, beamin smile and was carryin on, thankin me profusely for lettin her have th shirt and not beatin her up fer her brashness and so I graciously held out my hand so she could kiss it a couple times in gratitude, and some peoples who had been standin around watchin th drama play out, all gave me a quiet, dignified round of applause, which I acknowledged with a nod of my head. So, I left..... one shirt short, but with a little old lady's faith in Humanity still intact.

th cap'm

P.S. But....y'know now, a couple hours later, with time to think about it, reflectin on everything, I'm wishin I had kept th fookin shirt cuz it was th best one of all!! Sheeit! I hope her fuckin nephew appreciates it!! Th bastard!


Subject: SCHOOLIN IN TH 3RD MILLENNIUM
Date:Saturday, July 4, 2009 11:57 AM

OK, a slow nite at th saloon, it bein a holiday weekend and all and as I was sittin there at my table a guy came by and said "Hey Charley, how ya doin?" and I said,

"Yo, everythings cool here. How's everything in yer Empire?"

And he said,

"Whadda ya mean?"

I said,

"Y'know, are th Huns circling about, probin about, searchin fer weak spots, lookin to slip one between yer ribs?"

"Th what?"

"Th HUNS, y'know, th barbarians!"

"What are you talking about?"

It appears we have a bit of a communication problem goin on. Mebbe I'm not e-nun-ci-atin properly, so I spelled it out fer im,

"Th huns man! Y'know, th H-U-N-S."

Still, I'm gettin,

"I'm sorry but I have no idea what you mean?"

Oh wow! So in exasperation, I thought to make it simple, somethin he could relate to, mebbe he saw a movie or somethin,

"Well, ya've heard of Attila th Hun before, haven't ya?"

"No, whose he? Is he a wrestler?"

Ha ha, Is he a wrestler?

"No dude, he's not! Altho I'm sure there must be some wrestler some where out there by that name, but I'm talkin bout th Hun who ran over all of Europe! I'm talkin bout th barbarians at th gate dude, like, y'know, th Franks, th Gauls, th Goths, th Visi-Goths, th Celts, th Teutons, th Vandals, th Mongols, y'know, th Barbarians.......all of em constantly probin, lookin for yer weak spot, tryin to take over yer Empire and make it theirs."

But, that didn't help any either. I wasn't makin any progress at all!

"What in th world are you talkin about?"

I'm thinkin, "Oh mercy this is gonna be harder than I thought." So, I tried to give im a brief history lesson of western Europe back in th last days of th Roman Empire, but again.....no cigar! Finally he said in a reely annoyed and frustrated tone,

"Hey Charley, Man, I don't know that kinda shit!! I majored in Business Admin. you know!! Fuck! What did you major in?"

Well, I told im that I only got an AA, and that I had dropped out th 1st semester th next three years in a row.

And he gave me a look that said,

"Well, maybe I don't know what a Hun is, but at least I graduated from college!"

He didn't have to say it...... but I caught his drift clear enuff. I'm sure he could rap about spread sheets and so forth, but fuck a bunch of Huns, like, who cares? So what th fuck!! What, they don't have World Civ 101 anymore as a required subject? Man, whas goin on? Jus what th hell they teachin these kids anyway? Sheeit! I had another kid ask me one time; dig this, this dude graduated with honors in Physics,

"Charley, which is farther south, San Diego or San Francisco?"

Aaah youth! Ha ha Well sheeit, he graduated in Physics, y'dig, so.....what's he need to know a bunch of Geography for? I dunno what kids learn in school today? I guess they don't really need to learn th kinda stuff they taught when I went to school, cus they can jus look it up on their Iphone if they need to know it.

"What's 9 x 12?"

"Hang on a sec lemme get my calculator out."

Yeah, well, even tho I don't have no college degree, and I ain't got no calculator in my pocket......th answer to that is 108! Hhrump!

th cap'm


Subject: SARTORIAL TRENDS OF TH 21st CENTURY
Date: Friday, July 3, 2009 5:28 PM

Last nite I was lookin at this young dude back in th poolroom and I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. He was wearin some shorts that th pant legs were huge, not long, but jus reel big around, y'know what I mean, th circumference was HUGE! I mean, sheeit, ya coulda dressed up a tree in em. And of course, he was wearin em low too, y'know, jus about mid-butt. I get a kick watchin guys walk in that wide, duck spraddle they got to assume, with their legs all splayed out to keep th damn things from fallin off. Ha ha I wonder if 30-40 years from now, they gonna realize how fookin stupid they looked "back in th old days". Their kids gonna say to em,

"Wow dad, did you guys reely think that was cool? haha I mean, reely, look at yerself! Thas hilarious! And th bald heads! What th hell was that all about?"

Now seein how low they wear these ridiculous shorts, th bottoms ended up jus below his knees and above his ankles, so stickin outta th bottom, were these two skinny little sticks, that would be his ankles, y'dig. And then of course he was wearin a T-shirt that was so long, it fell down below th butt-line, jus barely above th knees. And toppin off th ensemble was th obligatory ball-type cap, turned sideways, y'dig. This wasn't no hip-hopper from th'hood, y'unnerstan, this was a young college kid.

Hey now, looky here, I know I'm an old geezer, and lookin at it from an old geezers viewpoint, and I'm well aware that we all looked pretty silly ourselves at various times, cus like, myself, I was a hippie fer 25 years, with th long ponytail, th head bands, th leather accessories, th necklaces, th granny-glasses, th bell bottoms, and so on. And I didn't let th ridicule of OP's and th old geezers bother me. Fuck em was my attitude! All youse straight-arrow kinda mutherfuckers dress th way you want to and I'll dress th way I want!! So in that spirit, like, I never tell any of th young dudes I know how it all looks to me. But man, sometimes, like last nite, I gotta chortle quietly to myself!

th cap'm

P.S. This wearin of th low pants. Y'know, back in th 50's, some of us started this very trend by wearin our Levis low. Th "hoody" guys did anyway. Th preppy punks at school were standin around th quad, with their books tucked under their arms, chattin up th chicks, wearin their white Pat Boone shoes and khaki slacks with th little buckles in th back. Their Princeton shirts, and their crew-cuts and flat tops, peroxided blond on th front. While we hung out behind th handball courts, smokin our Luckies, wearin our Levis, low y'know, white t-shirts, and DA's. Th infamous "ducktail". All self respectin JD's (juvenile delinquents) had a DA. It let peoples know you were a Rebel and BAD! We used to cut th belt loops off our Levis too, which was th basis for th belt less slacks of a few years later. But th thing is, at th time, we didn't realize how low guys would someday be wearin their pants in th future. I mean, if some dude had worn his pants as low as they go today, guys woulda been kickin his ass every day jus fer bein so stupid. Sheeit, if we'd known, how far they were gonna take th low pants thing, well sheeit, we never woulda never started that trend to begin with! But we didn't know! I SWEAR! WE DIDN'T KNOW!!


Subject: STAY OUTTA TH WATER
Date:Thursday, July 2, 2009 2:44 PM

I read in th paper a couple days ago where an 8-year-old boy and his two grown uncles were found drowned in a swimming pool. Investigators think the boy might have had trouble and th two men might have tried to save im. None of them could swim. OK, looky here, I've been warnin peoples before about th Dangers of Water fer a long time now..... but, obviously, they jus won't listen. That stuff can kill ya. Ask Ira Hayes. Sheeit, he drowned in a puddle of water wasn't two inches deep!

Thas why I don't use th bathtub method anymore when I get a hankerin to clean up my act. I only do th shower thing, and even there ya gotta be careful and make sure yer drain is workin properly, cus otherwise that water could build up there in th bottom, creatin a hazardous and dangerous situation. Ya might lose yer balance, fall down, and drown right there in yer bathroom.

OK, so here's th deal, I guess ya can perceive that I can't swim either, ya dig! So, like, if ya should fail to heed my warnings, like those other peoples and fall in some water and get yerself in a jam, drowning-wise, I'm sorry Duke but I'm not gonna jump in after and drown with ya!! OK! There's no point in takin me down with ya. As a matter of fact, rather than stand there and watch ya thrash around, flailin yer arms about and yellin fer help; rather than havin to witness such an unpleasant sight, I'm gonna jus have to egress th hell outta there, go have myself a couple PBR's, mebbe catch th latest weather report form Katie Horner, see if there's any rotation goin on in any of th clouds in th neighborhood. Hope everything works out OK fer ya...... but if not, if ya should happen to see my Uncle Benny there on th Other Side, tell im his nephew Charles said, "hi" will ya?

Remember now boyz n gurlz, STAY OUTTA TH WATER!

th cap'm


Subject: POTATOES IN A BOX
Date: Monday, June 29, 2009 4:26 PM

A while back, shoppin at Costco, I picked uo some hash browns in a box. Well, there were eight boxes, and each carton was one serving. These are little small cartons like a half-pint of milk would come in. What ya do is; ya open one up and fill it with hot water, I also add some dehydrated onions at that time too. Ya let that sit, while yer greased pan is gettin hot, and then ya carefully add yer potato mixture. It takes a little time, but after about ten minutes, ya got a bunch of pretty tasty hash browns. And there's enuff there to make two servings for me.

So yesterday, I spotted some more potatoes in a box, but these were of th mashed potato variety, and there were 40 individual servings in th box. They were in 40 small pouches and thas a bit more than I wanted, but thas one of th disadvantages of a single person doin their grocery biz at Costco, cuz everything is packaged fer th "octo-mom", and if yer not feedin a whole tribe, yer gonna wind up with a lot more stuff than ya necessarily need. Like right now, I have enuff garlic-pepper combo, regular pepper, salt, mesquite seasoning, and other spices to last me prolly fer th rest of my life. I guess that explains why every time I do my grocery shoppin there, with th idea of savin some bucks, I wind up spendin three times what I normally do.

But these mashed potatoes are pretty good, considerin! And what they call one serving is plenty enuff for three for me.All ya do is boil some water with yer butter and salt added, and again I add some onions, and then remove and add a bit of milk and then start adding yer potato mixture, stirrin it up all th time, and sheeit, it doesn't even take 30 seconds before that liquid there magickly transforms itself into Mashed Potatoes!

Now, if ya've been payin attention over th years, you know that, lotsa times when preparin my potatoes, I go off and get preoccupied with somethin else, like, take up a new hobby, or whatever, y'know, and then at some point I realize becuz of my inattention that th crib is full of smoke and I've created a block of lava instead of some mashed potatoes! Like a few years ago, waitin fer my potatoes, I heard on th news where a couple dudes down in Arkansas, said they had spotted th fabled White-tailed Woodpecker, which has been thought to be extinct fer almost a hundred years, and so I immediately trucked on down to Arkansas to see fer myself. Well anyway, when I came back to town, and by th way, I didn't see no steenkeeng White-Tailed Woodpeckers either, I discovered there was a charred piece of earth where my house and my pot of potatoes used to be.......so ya can see th obvious advantage to one such as myself of these potatoes in a box with their short prep times, eh!

No more visits from th Fire Dept. or FEMA, or Homeland Security. Jus me and my potatoes!

th cap'm


Subject: A DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON
Date: Friday, June 26, 2009 4:16 PM

OK, sorry to all th Hemingway fans but this has nothin to do with bullfighting, OK?! But a couple of my contacts on th street have hipped me, and also a tsunami of news reports have confirmed that; MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD!

Now, jus fer myself personally, I never liked th dude's music. Never! And I didn't like him as an individual either. Startin when he was jus a kid and one of th Jackson Five. At that time, I was enjoyin some time with a number of members of th black community in some confined spaces and those guys all thought lil Michael was th coolest dude ever. (I'll bet they changed their minds after a few more years tho!) And then all thru his musical career, jus didn't like his jive. And then, later as his career progressed and his absurd antics got even more outrageous, what with his surgical changes in his appearance every other week, and then his whole "lifestyle", vis a vis th kids, jus confirmed to me that he was a fookin piece of shit to me!

So.... as far as his dyin, once again this is jus me, but I felt more sympathy fer that fly that President Obama, wantonly and maliciously killed, with no more provocation than that th fly had invaded his "space", I spose. It was shocking.... SHOCKING I tell ya, when they showed th mangled corpse of that poor innocent creature there on th floor. I'll bet that fly had never even had th chance to enjoy mating yet in his young life.

But th whole thing seemed like such an over reaction to me, that I can't help but wonder if it all was actually jus a carefully staged event, y'know, jus like that whole Somali pirate incident, to prove to th Repubs that he could be tuff too!

Course, those Repubs, Ha ha, who can figure those guys? Do ya remember in that pirate incident, where they said he didn't have th cojones to ACT. Gave him a lotta guff fer th way he was handlin th situation, and then... when he did act.... they criticized him fer shootin 3 teenagers in th head? Hard to satisfy those turds! Ha ha Kinda like today, eh, where nothin short of invadin Iran to bring em some of that Democracy, like we did for th Iraqis, would satisfy em! Ah well, enuff said bout those buffoons!

th cap'm

P.S. Say, ya don't suppose they're gonna be flyin th flags at half mast in MJ's honor, do ya?


Subject: JUST A REMINDER
Date: Thursday, June 25, 2009 5:30 PM

Jus in case ya forgot, this is th Anniversary of th Battle of th Little Big Horn, June 25th, 1876. Score one fer th Natives, eh!? Altho, I guess ya'd have to conclude they lost th War, seein as how most of em are in th American Gulag today, known as Th Res. Yeah, except fer those few who happen to own casinos today, where they get some revenge fleecin th white-eyes of their cash. Ya know, they gotta take a special glee in that.

But today, they're best known as Th Symbol of various sports teams, from high school all th way up to Pro sports. Th Cleveland Indians, a baseball team is prolly th best example, where they are portrayed as this big red cartoonish caricature, with his ear to ear shit eatin grin and his big buck teeth with the gap in the middle and his big bulging eyeballs with a feather in his hair.

But, lotsa Indian folks wee that as insultin and demeanin. they don't like it one bit. But peoples there in Cleveland and lotsa other places too, don't see anything wrong with that portrayal. They don't see it as demeaning, but rather as a light hearted, no slur intended, Tribute to th American Indian. Sheeit! Yeah right, I'm sure every time our Indian brothers see that, they get a lump of Pride in their throats. But then ya got th professional football team, outta Washington, DC, our Nation's capitol, where their team logo is a more dignified, silouette of an Indian. That makes it OK, but then their team is called, "The Redskins". Ha ha THE REDSKINS! Can ya believe that?! But, again, no slur intended.
Why would any one take offense at that?

No big deal.

Heck, I'm sure all those peoples who say th Indians are too sensitive, that it's much ado about nothin, wouldn't mind if their sports teams changed their names to more accurately reflect th communities they come from? Like, I'm sure th peoples of Detroit wouldn't mind at all if we changed their football team from, "The Lions" to "The Detroit Darkies". Y'know, no slur intended. They could use that ol character of Black Sambo wolfin his way thru a watermelon as their logo. I'm sure th African American community there wouldn't take any offense to that either. Do ya think?

What if we changed th name of "The Arizona Diamondbacks" to. "The Arizona Wetbacks". Thas kinda catchy, isn't it? And th Hispanic community there wouldn't have any complaint about it.

How about, "Carolina Panthers" to "The Carolina Crackers"? Y'know, those folks from th South take pride in their Southern heritage.

"The Tennessee Hillbillies" A fat bellied, bushy, unkempt bearded buffoon, wearin a hillbilly hat, swiggin from a jug of moonshine.

"Atlanta Hayseeds" A blond haired, buck toothed, freckled faced cretin wearin a John Deere cap.
I mean, use yer imagination here... think of th logos fer some of these teams.

"The Oakland Greasers"
"The San Francisco Puffettes"
"The Tampa Bay Geezers"
"The Miami Latin Kings"
"The New York Wops"
"The New York Spics"
"The Greenbay Buttheads"
"The San Diego Beaners"
"The Jacksonville Peckerwoods"
"The Boston Micks"
"The San Antonio Chili-Shitters"
"The Portland Tree-Huggers"
"The Los Angeles Flakes"
"The Minnesota Bohunks"
"The Dallas Bovines"
"The Houston Assholes" What a logo there huh?
"The Washington Scum"
and
"The Cleveland Fucking Idiots"

I'm sure, that none of those peoples would have any big objections to any of those names and th cute logos to go with em, huh? So, what the hell, if those damned Indians don't like it, we'll just give them some more blankets (Hold the smallpox!) and beads and stick them on a
reservation and let em grow corn, or somethin! Oh wait, we already did that, didn't we?! He he.

Well anyway, we like our sports teams names, and we ain't changin em fer no steeenking redskins, ya dig!!

th cap'm

P.S. Th most oppressed of all opprossed minorities in this country. And who has a better claim to this land than them? Justice In America...where is it?


Subject: TH LATEST REPUB SCANDAL
Date: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 7:48 PM

These guys seem to be runnin, balls to th wall, hell bent on Self-Destruction don't they? Seems to be one scandal after another. And this is th party of Family Values? Ha ha Heck ya can always find a Repub some where flappin his gums about Family values"! Th ones who love to get up on their soap boxes and preach about th Sanctity of Marriage. Th ones who try and portray themselves as morally superior to th Dems becuz of their strong commitment to God, Country, and Family. Th same smug bastards would have ya believe that th Dems are a bunch of godless, immoral heathens. What a joke! And furthermore, what a bunch of fuckin Hypocrites!

Of course, th Dems are just as bad when it comes to their actual behavior. Think of th Kennedys and Clinton as prime examples. Elliot Spitzer of New York. And then of course, talk about Chutzpa and Hubris; look no further than John Edwards, cheating on his terminally ill wife, right in th midst of a Presidential campaign! Wow! How big of a prick do ya have to be to top that? I remember, back early in th race for th Nominee, when it was disclosed that his wife had terminal cancer. I said then that th only honorable thing he could do then was to drop out of th race and put his Presidential aspirations aside for th moment. He was still young, he had plenty of time. Peoples would admire him later on for showin some class. No one could ever question his Commitment or Loyalty to a Cause, eh! Stand by his wife in her time if need. But noooo, John told us that it was too important for th Country, to deprive us of his Leadership. Th supercilious, egotistical bastard!! That his family's own problems couldn't be allowed to stand in th way of th National Interest. And then he trotted out his faithful wife to stand by him. To support him even tho she's dying. That was all Bad enuff. But then to find out, he had been cheatin on her all along as had been rumored, and which he had gone to great lengths to deny, Wow, too fucking much!

So, evidently, if ya weren't already aware of it, it doesn't reely matter whether you a Democrat or Republican be, if yer a politician, yer a lyin snake-in-th-grass piece of shit who doesn't care about anything except yer own personal ambitions. And fuck everything else!

If it's in yer own personal interest, you will do it....... regardless of th consequences to any body else.
Th only savin grace of th Dems is; even tho they're jus as guilty, they jus don't run off at th mouth about it so much!

TH CAP'M


Subject: DIFFICULTIES IN MAC-LAND
Date : Wednesday, June 24, 2009 4:41 PM

WHOOOIE! Boy, have I been havin problems? Have been getting mail sporadically. Other problems too. They all started after my most recent One to One tutorial down there at th Mac store in th Plaza. For a hundred bucks, you get an hour a week with one of their guys to help you learn how to use this mutherfucker! Th last guy didn't like th way I had set up my e-mail accounts, so he changed everything around to make it easier and more efficient.

That was on Monday at 3:00 PM. Since 4:30 PM Monday, an hour and a half later, it's been a nightmare! I spent 2 solid hours yesterday with Tech Support to resolve th problema. Except.... I found out today, it didn't work. So, I called Tech Support again today at 10:30 AM and spent another two hours, doin this, that, and th other, punchin this key, goin to that page, clickin on that icon, etc. And finally, got everything workin properly. And so...it was Good!

But, ten minutes later, everything was all fucked up again! What'd I do? Man, I din't do nothin, y'know what I'm sayin. Th sumbitch jus fucked itself up all by itself with no help from Me!! Sheeit. So, I got back on th phone...did all that previous shit all over again....and then some more, and then FINALLY..... once again, it was fixed. Hallelujah!

OK, I guess, I don't have to tell ya what happened one single minute later, do I? Sheeit, it wasn't even one minute after we hung up?! It was FUCKED UP AGAIN! Jus like it was to begin with. Then I spent th next hour and a half with one of th Supervisors, y'know, one of their Ace Trouble-Shooters! Stymied this guy too. He didn't know what th fuck to try anymore hisself.

So, now, I have an appointment on Friday down at th Apple store on th Plaza with one of their GENIUSES. Thas what they call em! I hope he's more of a genius than th last four guys I've talked to, cus they tried everything. Sheeit. I was on th phone today with three different guys for four solid hours, with a two minute break in between.

Peoples said I made a good move in gettin th Mac as opposed to a computer. They said it was easier and more trouble free. They said a computer woulda driven me crazy! Sheeit. I'm jus about stark ravin Mad right now. If it was any worse, they'd be drivin me to th Loony bin right now!!
What I need right now, are a half dozen Oxycotin to relieve a bit of Stress, Frustration and Anger. What I'm needin right now is a bit of Oblivion! Whadda'ya say? Ya got any Oblivion layin around anywhere?

th cap'm


Subject: A COUPLE OF HELPFUL COOKING TIPS
Date: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:57 PM

OK ya'll, it's been a while since I've given out any new culinary tips, but I've got a couple of good ones fer ya now. I jus discovered both of these in th last hour and I'm gonna pass em on. They're both very simple, very easy. And th thing is; these are not really things. To Do, but rather, things NOT To Do!

OK, so...I decided to prepare fer myself some boiled red new-potatoes. I picked out a half-dozen or so, and sliced em up into small pieces, which I put in a small metal pot, added my water, sprinkled some seasonings in, and placed em over a medium fire.

Then I went back to my living area on th sofa, where I do a lotta my living, and resumed readin a book. But shortly, my eyelids grew heavy, and so I laid my book across my chest fer jus a minute...... OOOPS! Cuz, like, when I woke up, th crib was full of smoke. Yeh, yeah, I know....ya think ya've heard this story before, don'cha? But ya haven't. Not this particular story anyway; oh sure, similar stories perhaps, but not this one!

Even tho I woke up to a place full of smoke, I didn't panic cuz as th old sayin goes, "This wan't my first rodeo, y'know!" I immediately knew exactly what th problema was, and so I hurriedly scurried thru th smoke into th kitchen to remove th offendin smokin pot off th stove and placed it on a plastic cutting board on my dining room table, and then, opened th front door and got a blanket and started tryin to wave some of th smoke out th door. Thas pretty much an exercise in futility. Ha ha But if you had been an Indian*, or as they're now called, a Native American, passin by, ya woulda instantly interpreted those smoke signals and yer keen sense of smell woulda told ya, "Dumb fucking white-eyes burned up potatoes!"

Aw'right, so, Tip # 1 is; Don't take a nap while boilin potatoes! Thas pretty simple, pretty easy isn't it? I told ya it was!

OK, now fer Tip # 2. Do ya recall me sayin how I put th pot on top of my plastic cutting board? Well look here ese, and lemme make myself clear here; DON'T DO THAT!! Nope! Cus here's what happened; th fookin pot and th cutting board are now one piece. Thas right! They melded together y'see! Th blazin hot metal pot melted it's way into th cutting board and now they can't be separated, and I tried too duke!

They are One with each other, renderin both of em pretty fuckin useless now!

OK boyz n gurlz, what did we learn tonite? A quick review.

1. Don't sleep while cookin!
2. Don't mix hot metal with plastic!

If ya jus avoid both of those things, yer cookin experiences will go much smoother.

OK, no need to thank me. I jus try and use my own personal experiences to try and enlighten those others around me who may be in th dark, so to speak, and in need of some Enlightenment!

th cap'm

* This term, "Indian" perplexes me. I don't know why we persist, and more importantly, why these peoples have allowed themselves to be called this for hundreds of years now? If ya recall, th term was originally given to em in th mistaken belief that Columbus and his scurvy crew had sailed right to India, which had been their goal. So, in th mistaken belief they had wound up there in India, they called th natives they encountered, "Indians", but see, they're not reely Indians, as in peoples of India, are they!! Fuck no they're not!! I mean, why didn't one of em say, "Hey yo, ugly hairy white dudes! Um...if ya haven't noticed, this ain't India, and ergo, we ain't fuckin Indians!" I mean, supposin CC had been on his way to China instead? Would we then, for th past hundreds of years persisted on referrin to em as th Chinese? Would guys in th movies been sayin things like, "The chinese are on the warpath!" Would th government have rounded em all up and put em on Chinese reservations? Would some peoples refer to em today as th American Chinese? What about th baseball team, Th Cleveland Chinese? Sounds pretty weird and strange doesn't it, and yet it's reely no stranger than th Cleveland Indians when ya get right down to it! Basta!


Subject: ORIGINS OF WORDS
Date: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 4:44 PM

I jus wanted to clear up some things about some words. Peoples get upset sometimes when they say things, and even tho others know what they mean, they wonder where in th fuck that term came from? I'm here to help those unfortunates. Here's a few fer ya.

"GUY" As in, fr'instance, "Who is that guy?" See, back in 1605 there was a British political agitator by the name of Guy Fawkes who tried to blow up Parliament, but was caught and executed. Th British began celebratin Nov. 5th as Guy Fawkes Day and burning effigies of, "the old GUY". Since th effigies were dressed in old clothes, th term "guy" originally came to mean a bum. But then in Colonial times, it's meaning was broadened to mean any male. OK, I hope that clears up any mystery ya had about that one.

"It was a real doozy!" Aw'right, now, I'm sure at some time or other ya've heard that expression before, eh. OK, back in 1930 Fredrick F. Duesenburg was an automobile manufacturer and his Duesenburg SJ was th most bitchin car of it's time. It was so cool that it's nickname, 'th Duesey' became a slang term for anything that was "really cool", or "swell" as they woulda said then, ergo, "Thas a real doozy!" See what I mean!

"FRISBEE" Ya prolly already know this one, don'cha?! William Russell Frisbie was a pie maker and he founded the Frisbie Pie Company of Bridgeport, Connecticut in 1871. Then, in th early 1900s, jus up th road a piece, there in yer New Haven, students at Yale found they could sail th frisbie pie tins, and so started tossin em back and forth. So, thank th Yalies fer discoverin other uses fer th pie tin.

"MAVERICK" In th mid 1800s there was a Texas cattle baron by name of Samuel A. Maverick who had so many unbranded stray calves they became known as “mavericks.” Eventually, th term came to include independent-minded peoples as well.

I know these things have prolly been botherin ya fer some time and I hope this will help ya all get a better night's sleep tonite. I jus do what I can, cuz I know these things have been botherin ya fer some time. y'know!

th cap'm


Subject: OH FUCK! UNBELIEVABLE!
Date: Sunday, June 21, 2009 11:40 PM

I just read where th young rich kid I wrote about, who killed another guy in a drunken hit and run accident, and by th way, scuse me but I erroneously had said he's been released, but he's not actually set to be released until th 30th of this month, but ferget that! Check this......hang on to yer hats here!....... but this fuckin mook has filed a federal lawsuit against th Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity and it's chapter at Tulane University where he was a student and fraternity pledge last year. No jive! This Poster Boy for Punks is claiming that he was hazed at Tulane last year and as a result, that he's now suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome which causes him to make bad decisions!

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! Ya unnerstan? Yeah, y'see, th reason why he was drunk on his ass and he blasted that guy into oblivion was becuz he'd been "hazed", and now as a result, makes, "bad decisions". Oh mercy! GIVE-ME-A-FUCKING-BREAK, PLEEEZE!

Th fucking gall! Th temerity! Th cheek! Th effrontery! It would be jus TOO fucking much if this asshole should win a large settlement after having killed that kid! I mean, is there no end to th Arrogance and sense of Entitlement these wealthy assholes seem to think is jus another perk of havin lotsa money? Have they no shame at all? speechless wasn't enuff that he got off with barely even a slap on th wrist for killin somebody, but they now want to try and make it th fault of his fraternity for "hazing" him ??

I'm left speechless! Almost!

th cap'm


Subject: WHERE IS TH OUTRAGE?
Date: Saturday, June 20, 2009 4:45 PM

Did'ja see where this young rich kid, was just released from jail after spendin 120 days locked up fer a hit and run DUI accident that killed another young guy crossin Ward Pkwy. 20-year-old Curtis Mertensmeyer knocked th victim 140 feet, causin massive injuries and his severed leg wound up 200 feet beyond his body! Got clobbered pretty good, eh. Th young punk was a grad of Pembroke Day School and lives in Mission Hills. Does that give ya any clues boyz n gurlz as to why he only did 120 days?

Jackson County Judge John Torrence (remember that prick's name) who had originally sentenced th kid to five years, said on granting his early release, that his behavior in prison had been "exceptional". OH mercy! I spose that means he didn't run over and kill anybody else.

And th punk-ass kid's lawyer, J.R. Hobbs, prolly not realizin th Irony said, "I think it's another example of how the system works even in difficult cases." Ha ha Oh Man, yer Right On there JR!

It's fuckin disgusting! I know a guy who's been locked down at Cameron now fer 7 years for a DUI, hit and run, non-injury accident. Yeah, yeah, it was his 4th offense, thas true, but as I said, there were no injuries to anybody. His family is hopin now that he might get an early release in January, (he was given 11 years to begin with) in which case he will have done 8 FOOKIN YEARS, and this rich kid gets 120 days fer a DUI, hit and run with a fatality! How does one reconcile that sentence, compared to th rich kids, all things considered?

Remember that, "Liberty and Justice Fer All" bit peoples are always quoting? Well, what they're not tellin ya, is that that "Justice" they're talkin about has a price tag attached, and if ya don't have enuff jack, yer gonna have to pay yer debt to Society by forfeiting that "Liberty" part, and get yer ass incarcerated.

Th system works!

Yeah sure, and pigs can fly too!

th Cap'm